#i can't be here for a bit. abuser might be coming back home today and i feel like im going to throw up

[rubiesintherough]

.

#(( ooc. )) #i can't be here for a bit. abuser might be coming back home today and i feel like im going to throw up #abuse tw #idk if i'll be writing here at all for a while. consider this a hiatus announcement #bc i can't deal with surviving this absuive bullshit and trying to focus on replies. irl awfulness takes priority im sorry #will be here eventually again #when i'm not trapped here

[runningfrom2am]

leveling the playing field VI

summary: you didn't meet the requirements for the plinth prize, only to find out that you're not just missing out on that- you're missing out on the opportunity of a lifetime. your friend wants to help, because maybe you can help each other.

pairing: coriolanus snow x fem!reader

wc: 3.6k (she's long today DAMN)

tags/warnings: capitol brat!reader, maybe slightly ooc coryo, idk i tried my best. do they love each other or hate each other? who knows (we do, kind of). implications and discussion of abuse, so read with caution!! also a little bit of swearing

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a/n: omg it finally happened?? i couldn't resist anymore i had to :,)

anyway i wanted to pop in for a rare note and say thank you so so much to everyone reading this!! it means so much to me that people are enjoying this as much as i am enjoying writing it :)

so if you are and you wouldn't mind,, please reblog or leave your thoughts in the replies! it really helps me out so that way it can reach more people, and also it really helps motivate me to actually keep writing it bc i'll be reminded people want me to :).

thank you for reading this long ass authors note! and thanks for making it this far in the fic!! 

i promise it's not over yet ;) we've still got a long way to go! so hopefully i'll see y'all soon when the next part comes out !

xoxo, raye

You walked back to the academy, still too high on adrenaline to even consider sleeping at that point. By the time Coryo made it back in, it was nearly eight am. You totally understand him wanting to get a bit of extra sleep, considering the night you just had- but who knows how long he was with Dr. Gaul.

Other mentors had started to arrive before he did, and almost everyone made it clear they didn't want to speak with you. You didn't have the energy to chat anyway, you didn't want to. You're endlessly relieved when Coryo arrives, notifying you of his presence with a hand on your shoulder. You jump at this, regardless of his effort to not scare you.

The chair scrapes across the floor and you feel everyone's eyes on you at the dramatic reaction. To him, it really wasn't shocking.

"Sorry- I'm sorry." You chuckle, quickly getting up to give him his spot back.

"Have you slept?" He asks, making no effort to reclaim the desk, noticing how your hands are shaking as you motion for him to sit.

You aren't sure what the safer answer is. Yes, I slept while I was supposed to be watching over Lucy Gray? Or no, I'm still running on the two hours I got a couple of days ago? Neither is very promising, so you decide to just be honest.

"No, uh, I've been watching for Lucy Gray." You point to the screen, unable to control the trembling of your hand as you do. "I couldn't sleep if I wanted to, so I just decided to start drinking coffee a few hours ago. Might as well commit." You explain, trying to force positivity into your tone and a smile on your face.

Coryo eyes you warily. "You should go home. Get some rest."

"No! No, I'm fine." You insist. "I'm not missing it."

"Go home and sleep." He says again, sternly this time. You tend to listen to him when he's commanding so he clung to that approach, but the look in your eyes immediately makes him regret it.

You look down, then back to your seat on the bench. You take a shaky breath before locking eyes with the blonde again. You're full of impulses that contradict each other. To listen to him, to snap and tell him not to speak to you like that, or to storm out and never come back. Realistically, he is under a ridiculous amount of stress. You can't blame him for being a little commandeering. After all, it's what he is meant to do. It's what he's been raised for. "I told you. I can't."

Realization dawns on him and he stares at you for a second, eyes widening. "Right." He nods slightly, shrugging off his coat and holding it out to you. "Just go lay down on the bench." He accentuates his point by shaking the jacket.

You smile, taking it gratefully. "Thank you, Coryo."

"'Course." He nods, finally moving to sit down once you walk away. You settle down on the bench and curl up, your head resting on his bunched-up uniform jacket like it's a pillow. You're not sure you've ever been so comfortable, and you're asleep within a minute.

Coriolanus wonders if his coat will smell like raspberries when you return it.

"What's he doing?" You hear Coryo's accusatory voice before you even open your eyes. As you try and shift, adjusting to the sounds of everyone around you, you come back to reality. No wonder your neck is sore as soon as you sit up, sore from your wooden bed, with no time to really wake up before you're hit with the realization of what's happening on the screen.

"I-I don't know!" Lysistrata says, assumingly replying to him.

You're squinting at the lights as you adjust, the figures of Lucy Gray and Jessup becoming clear as he chases her in her rainbow dress out of the tunnel and across the floor, booking it toward a pile of debris that would allow her to climb up into the stands.

"What's happening?" You ask pointlessly, standing now that you see Coryo is as well.

Lysistrata looks at you, shrugging helplessly as she stands next to Coryo.

"Hey! You promised me that if I-" You start, pacing toward the girl with determination, anger burning up in your chest and in your eyes.

"Y/N/N, wait-" Coriolanus holds his hand out to stop you, effectively his attack dog, from getting any closer. From telling her off for blowing your deal. He squints closer at the screen, not saying a word, just leaving you in a limbo- unsure what to do.

As the camera zooms in on the tribute, his theory is confirmed. Jessup has a white foam surrounding his mouth, and Coryo looks at you knowingly. Had Lucy Gray poisoned him? Surely not, he was her only ally. It was too early to take him out, but maybe she didn't think that through, maybe-

"Rabies." You say, hardly above a whisper, eyes locked back on the screen now as well. "That's why the medications didn't help."

Coriolanus is relieved by this explanation, it makes so much more sense. But only knowing what's wrong doesn't help Lucy Gray, Jessup is still fully feral, chasing her up in the stands on wobbly legs as she makes her way to what is left of a concession stand.

"If she can just stay away, he won't last long in this state." Lysistrata says, looking on with sadness in her eyes. "Poor Jessup..."

"Coryo." You say, ignoring her sympathies, seeing Coryo's mind running miles a minute trying to figure out what to do. "Do you remember those posters in the war? When the rabies breakout happened?" You ask, holding onto his arm, giving him a light shake to snap him out of it. "They said that-"

You don't get to finish before he's reaching for the comunicuff. Water, of course.

"Wait." Lysistrata stops him, grabbing the arm that was reaching for the screen.

"Don't touch him! Jessup's going to die anyway! All we can do is try to keep him away- you just said that!" You fire off at her.

"I know, Y/N." She lets him go, holding her hands out defensively. "Let me do it. He's my tribute, after all."

"Lyssie... You don't have to do that." Coriolanus tells her, and you feel guilty for snapping on her like that. She was just trying to help.

"If Jessup can't win, I want it to be Lucy Gray. That's what he would want, too." She explains, stepping back to her desk, tapping away at the screen and sending in water bottles on faulty drones that are more likely to knock the tributes out and smash the bottle than successfully deliver it to their hand.

Thankfully, this is what you want. You watch quietly as Jessup is bombarded with drones programmed to seek out his features, and Lucy Gray drops behind some of the seats to avoid any flying glass or stray drones. He swings helplessly at them with a board he picked up somewhere along the chase, and you glance at Lyssie for only a second, which is long enough to pick up on the fact that she's crying. God, that's probably your fault.

He trips and falls off the stands, bones audibly cracking on impact. Everyone in the room is silent as Lucy Gray reemerges, climbing down to be at his side.

"God, please don't let him die alone..." Lysistrata whispers, hardly audible even to Coriolanus, who's stood right next to her.

"She won't." He whispers back. "It's not her style."

You swallow, drowning in your own guilt while Lucy Gray is talking to the dying boy, stroking his hair and telling him to go to sleep until his eyes lose all sense of life, chest halting. She closes his eyes gently, which cues the buzzer announcing his death.

"Lyssie..." You stop her as she stands to leave, her eyes glassy. "I'm sorry, I didn't know what you were doing."

She laughs slightly, more tears spilling from her eyes. "Y/N. I know you, okay? I get it. Don't apologize if you don't mean it." Until she finished speaking, you didn't realize her laughs were bitter. "You can't keep taking out your anger issues on everyone else. I'm sick of it, everyone is sick of it- sick of you." She says, not giving you the chance to defend yourself before she's gone. You did mean it, but it's not like she'd ever believe that. You had done this to yourself.

You straighten your shoulders, turning to face the screen again. "Lysistrata will come around." Coryo says, sensing the tension radiating off your skin like a heater.

You just slightly shake your head. "Maybe I... Maybe I should go home. Just for a bit." You say, but it comes out more as a question.

"You should stay." He states, offhandedly sending some food in for Lucy Gray before turning to face you fully. He could guess why you don't want to go home, whether or not you were explicitly told to not return until the games were done, though, he doesn't know. Either way, for him, it wasn't worth the risk.

"Actually, yeah, you're right." You sniff. "I'm just having a moment. I'll be fine." You force a smile, blinking rapidly to push back those stubborn tears that wanted to spill.

"No, no that's not what I meant. I just meant..." Coryo trails off.

"It's okay." You smile and nod. "Can I just get some air, then? I'll be back in a few minutes."

"Please. Don't rush on my account." He nods. "But don't stray too far."

"Yes sir, Mister President." You joke, giving him a lazy salute before heading for the door.

You had been gone for a while, far too long for Coriolanus's comfort. Lucy Gray retreated into the tunnels after receiving the food he sent and seeing Reaper come back into the clearing. Now, with Lucky rambling on about the weather again, he felt like he would snap.

He double-checks once more that Lucy Gray is, in fact, still hiding, before he gets up to go after you.

It doesn't take Coryo long to find you, due to him tracking down the sound of crying in the hall. No doubt in his mind it was you, but he'd never seen you cry before.

You stop at the sound of footsteps, frantically wiping your eyes and nose on your sleeve as you make an effort to stand. By then, he's in front of you.

"Don't get up." He says, crouching down in front of you. He doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know exactly why you're crying, or how to help. He wishes he did, he would do just about anything. "What do you need?"

You shake your head, forcing a smile and trying to stand anyway. Coryo stops you with a hand on your shoulder. "I-I don't.." You start, but as soon as you speak the tears start flowing again and you feel like you can't breathe.

"It's okay. Hey, you're okay." He says, pulling you into his arms, effectively onto his lap as he sits back. One thing he knows that works with you is a hug- it's all he can do while he thinks over what could be the root of your problem, or was it just that Lysistrata's comment pushed you over the edge? You were overtired, overworked, and this easily could have been the last straw.

Through your tears, you try to tell him that you're fine, but you just stutter and spit and you know you're a mess- a mortification to your family.

"I'm not sick of you, Y/N." Coryo says, rubbing your back. Feeling your hair between his fingers and trying not to tangle it or pull it by mistake. "I could never get sick of you."

It surprises him when you laugh. Of all things, a laugh. It was just so you.

His statement was more of a confession to himself than to you, and when you pull back he's scared. Was it not about that? Was he way off base, or incredibly unhelpful and somehow offended you?

You sniff, wiping your eyes again. "Thanks," You chuckle, shaking your head. "But you don't have to say that."

Coryo tilts his head, confusion knitted into his expression. "I do." He insists, able to look into your eyes now. "I have to tell you that because it's the truth."

You sigh, smiling slightly. Sadly. "You don't see it."

"See it? See what?"

You just shrug, making no attempts to move away. His hands on you, the feeling of him almost surrounding you is comforting. You want to live in it forever, but you know you can't. "Just... That I'm me, I guess." You say, voice cracking. "You're unflinching to it." You're abrasive sometimes, defensive, and some would call you an overall angry person. He doesn't see you that way, and you're not sure why. Today you were slapped in the face with the fact that your actions have consequences more serious than what your parents can make up for with money or unwritten agreements.

"What's wrong with being you?" He asks rhetorically, not giving you a chance for you to argue before he continues. "You did the right thing. They're jealous- that's all it is. None of them fight for what they want like you, they just sit around and wait for it to be handed to them on a silver platter, and you could too, but you're better than that. You're better than them. Stronger than them."

With his hands now moved up to your shoulders, he's shaking you gently, trying to get your mind to soak in what he's telling you. To believe it, because he knows he's right. The reason others avoid you is the very reason he is drawn to you- your ambition is unmatched, except, maybe, by his own.

"Do you understand, Y/N?" Coryo asks, pressing one hand to your cheek and staring deep into your eyes as if he could somehow look into your mind and grab hold of what Lysistrata said, replacing it with his vision of who you are. "You are perfect. They are fools."

Your smile had gone, ready to fight his point, but it returned by the time his rant was done, blush creeping its way across your cheeks and over your nose. "Perfect is a bit of a strong word." You speak softly. "Don't you think?"

"No. I don't." He shakes his head slightly, running his thumb across your cheek to wipe away a stray tear.

The air became thick with everything he said circulating in your head like a carousel. A relentless spinning cycle with Coryo's every word circling around itself and caging in your panic. The spinning seemed to slow after a moment, as if giving you a chance to catch your breath.

Seemingly, in your experience with him, compliments were few and far between. To others, anyway. Not that you were keeping track, but if receiving compliments from Coriolanus Snow was a race you would be winning by a mile, and that's exactly what it felt like every time.

He tilts your chin up again, the same way he had just a couple of days ago in the arena, drawing your eyes back to his. It takes every ounce of his focus to keep his hand from shaking.

Truth be told, the desperate honesty in his eyes was enough to convince you he was right. You are better than them, smarter than them, stronger than them. If Lysistrata and your other classmates chose to hate you for that, that was because of fear. You'd be lying if you tried to say it didn't make you feel better, even powerful. Coriolanus thought it was right, so how could it not be?

You smile, nodding slightly within his grasp. "You're right, aren't you?"

"Always." He validates your entire thought process just like that.

You can't help it anymore. The power of his words push you past the brink, leaning forward to meet his lips with your own. Coryo pulls you forward with his firm and gentle hold on your cheek, meeting you half way. And as he kisses you, heart pounding out of his chest, you both feel fucking invincible.

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[antiodote]

she can't finish and they fight - part III

warnings: drug/alcohol abuse, mention of purging, slight mentions of sexual activity (but not really)

"fuck you, harry."

part I & II

+++

she had slept in her car that night.

more specifically, she had parked in her gym’s parking lot and fell asleep in her car. her idea? get to the gym at 6 in the morning, run for an hour straight at an ungodly speed that might make her sick, shower and scrub her body so thoroughly that it hurt, get ready in the bathroom of said gym and arrive at work bright and early as if nothing ever happened. she even thought about getting some iced coffee on the way. you know, as a treat.

she also felt numb. so, so numb.

after she had left home - no, harry’s place - she wondered if all of it was a nightmare. some sort of hallucination that manifested itself into her brain after 6 weeks of straight malnourishment and sleep deprivation. never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that he would ever speak to her in that way or do something like that to her; question her trust like that. she asked herself if she even knew who he was or if the last four years had been a lie, but somewhere between taking an impossibly hot shower and slapping tons of concealer under her eyes in an attempt to cover her dark circles, she had decided to not think about it for as long as she possibly could. she just wouldn’t think about it, wouldn’t talk to anyone about it and she definitely, definitely, definitely wasn’t going to face him anytime soon.

and so, she arrived at work at 8:54 am, ready to get some work done and pretend that everything was as it should be. fortunately for her, it seemed to work out - for most of the day, that is.

she had greeted some co-workers, wrote down a list of to-do’s for the day, checked off those to-do’s one by one, had some coffee, ate some lettuce wraps for lunch and threw up said lettuce wraps, returned to drinking coffee and nothing but. with a few meetings here and there, some office gossip and a pile of work later, her work day was finished. she found herself wishing that she could be stuck in that loop for the rest of her life - or at least for another few hours - so she could escape the reality of things for just a tiny bit longer. things don’t seem to go to plan for her lately.

“you’re leaving early? is it christmas already?”

she turned around to find tony, one of her coworkers, looking at her with an expression that indicated humour. she wasn’t really up for humour right now, but she also didn’t want to seem any more off than she probably already did. so, she forced a chuckle and answered.

“well, technically, I’m not leaving early. I just finished my work on time and don’t really feel like staying longer today, honestly.”

“so compared to your usual hours, you’re still leaving early.”

she looked at him with a frozen smile that didn’t reach her eyes. she hated when people - no, men - repeated her exact words back to her as if she were stupid. she hated it with a passion. harry never spoke to her like that. she should tell him all about it once she gets home, she thought. 

as she realised that she couldn’t do that, she quickly turned away from tony to resume packing her bag.

“I suppose you’re right, tony. what can I do for you?”

he hoped her tone indicated her lack of interest in their conversation. she truly desired nothing more than to get out of this office and figure out her plan for the next few days.

“some of us wanted to get some drinks at this bar down the street. you know, the one that does trivia on wednesday nights? would you like to join us? you can tell your boyfriend to come!”

every single part of those sentences made her feel woozy. the idea of having drinks with her coworkers was absolutely atrocious; she couldn’t physically think of something that she would’ve liked to do less at that moment. however, the mention of him made her suddenly want something to drown out her thoughts with. she usually never resorted to alcohol, but the burn of some heavy liquor in her throat would for sure help her out, at least for now. she needed to feel something. so, without giving it much more thought, she turned around, smiled, and almost robotically replied.

“sure, I’d love to come. thanks for the invite! I’ll ask if he can make it.”

+++

8pm arrived and y/n was piss drunk. 

when they arrived at the bar her coworkers ordered a round of different dishes for the table while she immediately went for the drinks. beer wasn’t her favourite, so vodka would suffice. one drink turned into two, two turned into four and before she realised, she found herself 7 drinks deep into her own abyssal torment. none of her coworkers seemed to notice, either because they lacked interest or she was too good at hiding her intoxication. she barely spoke at the table, anyway. 

“so, y/n! where is that lovely boyfriend of yours? we haven’t seen him since last year’s christmas party. he was fun!” one of her older coworkers, maude, chirped. 

y/n looked up from her drink, slightly disoriented at first. she kept forgetting that the outside world wasn’t aware of how her life crumbled into pieces at her feet. 

act normal. act normal. act normal.

“oh, he’s been pretty busy. you know, with his music and stuff. I’m sorry he couldn’t make it tonight.” she replied. funny how she didn’t even know where he was, right now. 

“oh, that’s a shame. make sure to bring him around again soon! he did a whole coffee run when he visited you last time. even paid for my extra pumps of hazelnut syrup, the ol’ charmer.” maude giggled. y/n forgot how older ladies seemed to adore him. then again, everyone did.

she also did.

in an attempt to seem flattered, she shook her head with a smile on her face. she couldn’t possibly have any of them suspect anything. the last thing she needed was to be the subject of infuriating office chitchat. luckily, she found it quite easy to keep up fake conversation and with that, fake emotion. she truly didn’t care for the people she worked with. a job was a job, nothing more. sure, she loved what she did, but it didn’t change the fact that her job wasn’t her life, or at least, shouldn’t be. she barely cared about her boss, but she did care about the money. a lot. 

for all she cared, she was going to keep up the lie for as long as she had to, and she was fine with that. but maybe, just maybe, it gave her an excuse to pretend that everything was still okay between her and harry. she might as well treat her workplace as an alternate reality; a parallel universe where she could still go home to her lover and had never been kicked out of her own home. a home she helped to build with all the love she possessed in her heart. 

oh, what a waste of love, she thought.

“y/n, are you still with us?” 

“huh? what?”

people laughed. her eyebrows furrowed. she glanced around. she was confused. she felt embarrassed.

“oh, darling, maybe cut back on those drinks you’ve been chugging! I mean, I know you’re a heavyweight and it’s the weekend, but you just totally spaced out on us!“ lena - a younger coworker of hers - said, giggling her way through her remark.

“oh god, sorry. it’s been a long week, you know how it is.” she tried to go along with the joke, while truthfully feeling mortified for letting her guard down. “what were you saying?”

she honestly couldn’t care less. 

“oh, we were just talking about potentially making this a regular thing! you know, to strengthen team morale and all.”

she smiled. there was no way in hell. 

“sure! sounds fun.”

they nodded in agreement, believing her made-up enthusiasm. maybe she should’ve gone to acting school with how believable her act was. or they might just not care about her, just like she doesn’t care about them. they definitely didn’t care enough to ask.

the question was: who did care about her?

her coworkers don’t seem to do so. she’d barely seen any of her friends for a long while now. she hadn’t spoken to her family in what felt like forever. 

she always thought that harry cared.

harry. oh, harry. 

harry. harry. harry.

she suddenly rose up from her seat, pulling everyone’s eyes in her direction.

“I’m gonna use the restroom.”

and gone she was. 

her heart was beating unbelievably fast. she wasn’t feeling good, at all. maybe the alcohol did take a toll on her.

without checking her surroundings, she almost bolted to the restroom. as soon as she entered, she picked one of the empty stalls and found purchase on the sticky floor, almost dramatically sliding down along the closed door. she needed to breathe. her head hung low between her bent knees, her hands clasping around her ears. with her eyes screwed shut and her hearing now impacted, she was now robbed of most of her senses, grounding her somewhat. ‘please, please, please’ was chanted in her head like a mantra; she couldn’t lose her composure like this, anything else was not as important at this moment. 

“everything okay in there? should I get someone?”

her head shot up. fuck.

her breathing must’ve been heavy or maybe the words she repeated weren’t as quiet as she thought. she wasn’t sure who was behind the door, but she wasn’t strong enough to face them.

“uh, I’m okay! thanks for asking.”

silence. 

“y/n? is that you?”

wait, what? she knew that voice.

she got up to open the door and was suddenly faced with a very familiar face.

“jane?”

+++

harry doesn’t remember the last time he felt so hollow. with every moment that passed, he felt more and more like he was drowning. like he was making a terrible, terrible mistake.

the last thing she had said to him before she went to pack a bag was ‘fuck you, harry.’ and truthfully, at first, he was angry. angry at how they argued, angry at her for leaving, angry at himself for not asking her to stay. it was a little later though, right after the door slammed shut behind her that he realised he couldn’t have asked her to stay when he was the one who told her to leave.

and then it dawned on him. he told her to leave. he kicked her out. in the middle of the night. in a city where he himself had been robbed at knifepoint not too long ago. 

the panic kicked in soon after.

so, he called. and called. and called.

but she never answered. 

after the 30th call, her phone went straight to voicemail. that was when harry really started freaking out. 

where did she go? was she safe? what if something happened? harry wouldn’t forgive himself if something were to have happened.

he bit and chewed on his fingers until they bled. he didn’t sleep. his mind and soul were surrounded by an image of her in danger. in pain. hurt.

though, he hurt her that night. 

he was the one who put her in that situation. he hurt her. why the fuck did he do that? why the actual fuck did he do that?

when the panic passed, the self-loathing soon followed. he didn’t understand how things were so quick to turn around when they were more than okay a mere few weeks ago. he treated her like she was disposable and he doesn’t think he will ever forgive himself for it. 

when the hatred for himself outweighed the worry he had for her, he resorted to pills to find slumber that night. the sleep was terrible, but it was better than nothing.

he woke up the next morning, finding himself on his kitchen floor. he must’ve passed out then and there. he checked the clock just above the fridge. the time was 9:15 AM. if she was okay, she must be at work. he could go there to check on her, see if her car was there. but, then again, he felt like he was the last person she wanted around her at this moment. if she was even alive, that is.

his rationality came back to him somewhere after 11 in the morning, just after his shower. she was a strong and capable woman, she was probably fine. she had to be, or he was never going to be fine again.

he went back to the kitchen to fetch himself some water for his run. if there was one thing that helped him, it was running for miles and miles and miles ahead and drowning out his surroundings with music through his headphones. as he opened the fridge he was faced with a bowl that was filled with cubes of fruit. the bowl was shaped like a lemon and had the colour to go with it. he remembers how y/n had picked it out online, gushing over how cute and fitting it is.

‘you always sing about fruit! might as well have a lemon-shaped bowl, if you ask me.’

he remembers how he had chuckled in response, pulled her in for a kiss on her temple, and replied ‘whatever you want, love.’

why do those days feel so far away now? 

he looked all around the kitchen and observed how every nook and cranny of this house had pieces of her littered all over it. the kitchen clock; a soft yellow one with slender, roman numbering on it - she chose it. the light pink cabinets - she painted them. actually, they painted them together and made sweet love on that very floor when they were finished. every piece of decoration - she had collected them whenever they had travelled. he particularly took notice of a framed picture right next to the sink. a moment captured when they made fresh pasta at his mother’s house when they were there for her birthday, two years ago. he remembered the moment so, so vividly.

‘harry, for goodness’ sake! you’re making a mess!’

she was the one who rolled out the dough by hand, since harry had previously dropped the pasta maker on the floor, resulting in its break. feeling a little useless, he wanted to do whatever he could to make her laugh. so, he did what any child would do: poured flour over them. first, her nose. then, her cheeks. shortly after, her head. and when she was sick of him, she grabbed the packet from his grasp and poured every last bit over him. her glimmering eyes looked straight at his playful ones. she bit her lips, in order to deny him the satisfaction of a laugh, and he looked just about ready to burst at the seams. 

in that moment, his sister quietly took a picture, making sure to get it back to them for one of their birthdays. when she was done, she clapped her hands to gain their attention, and suddenly they stood there like deers caught in headlights. 

then, laughter erupted. loud, hearty, full laughter. 

harry had to physically shake his head to lose the memory. when a sudden sickness overcame him, he found himself emptying the contents of his stomach right into said sink. was this kind of behaviour normal after a breakup? he didn’t know.

breakup. breakup. breakup.

the word swam around his vision, making him want to gauge his own eyes out. were they broken up, now? could she ever forgive him? then again, could he forgive her for lying to him? his mind was swarmed with all sorts of questions that he had no way of finding an answer to, at least not anytime soon. 

he needed to go on that run.

so, he did. and ever so conveniently, he ran by her workplace. low and behold, her car was there, unscathed. relief flooded him, but so did dread. because if she was at work, that meant she was fine. which also meant that she didn’t pick up his calls on purpose. she didn’t want to talk to him. 

good. maybe they shouldn’t talk for a while. whatever. 

he ran back home and didn’t leave the house for the remaining day.

+++

jane was y/n’s lifelong friend. they went to high school together and were usually inseparable. however, with both of their schedules being as crazy as they were, they rarely saw each other these days. when jane saw the state of her in that bathroom stall, she paid for her tab and drove her home. y/n didn’t say much in that time, still in a state of sensory overload. it was only when she saw how they were approaching harry’s driveway that she spoke. 

“we can’t go there.” 

jane whipped her head towards the passenger seat. “what do you mean, petal?” 

y/n stared straight ahead. “we can’t go to harry’s place. can I stay with you tonight? I’ll explain everything.”

jane looked at her for a few beats longer, worry etched deep into her features, until she turned her car around and drove to her own apartment. just over 30 minutes later, they arrived.

y/n soon realised how drunk she truly was, especially when the glare of the white lightbulbs in jane’s bathroom made her head throb and her guts churn. she ended up leaning above the toilet bowl in an attempt to empty the contents of her stomach, however, her attempt was in vain; nothing left her stomach. and yet, she felt so empty. 

she wished that she had shouted at harry, maybe even slap him across his annoyingly pretty face. she wished she had done something to stop him from doing what he did. but alas, just like nothing left her now, nothing left her then. she was always so perfectly contained. harry had even told her on multiple occasions that she needed to let loose, even if it was just a little bit. he was good at helping her with that. she always felt so unbothered and carefree in his presence. 

oh, harry. what have you done?

“god, harry. you fucking idiot.” 

the first sob of the night left her. then came the second. the third quickly followed. all of a sudden, she found herself crying in agony over her best friend’s toilet.

“y/n, you okay?? can I come in?” jane called from the other side of the door, but y/n didn’t hear. the echo of her cries within the toilet bowl was too loud for her to be aware of her surroundings. thus, a very worried-looking jane came bursting through the door. as she found y/n in literal shambles across the bathroom floor, she couldn’t help but choke up herself. she’d never seen her like this, and it truly broke her heart.

“hey, hey pretty girl, it’s alright. I’m here, good god, I’m here. let it all out.”

jane ended up cradling y/n, almost like you would calm a crying baby, and y/n didn’t realise how much she truly needed it. however, she still didn’t dare to speak. she feared that, once she recalled the events out loud, they would become reality. she wasn’t ready for that to happen, not yet. maybe not ever, but definitely not now. 

so she cried and cried and cried until there was nothing left to give. jane and her wordlessly went to bed that night, bundled up in blankets to keep out the cold. 

y/n feared she might never feel normal again, if she even knew what that was. she felt like harry completed her, and that scared her to death.

when she woke up the next day, she finally threw up. with the vodka finally out of her system and her stomach basically cleansed, she felt a lot better than she thought she would. the headache was manageable and the nausea came and went. she could survive this.

she didn’t know about the rest of her circumstances, though. 

whenever the thought of him popped into her head, she did whatever she could to distract herself. first thing in the morning? she showered after her journey to the toilet bowl. after the shower? extensive skincare. when she saw her tired expression in the mirror? left the bathroom to borrow some of jane’s clothes. eventually, she had run out of distractions in the bedroom, so she escaped to the kitchen. when she started preparing breakfast and turned up the radio just a touch, she was reminded of him, again. soon enough, she realised that everything reminded her of him, and there was nothing she could do about it. would be too easy, right?

for the first time in a while, she felt vulnerable. raw. like there was no skin over her pain and a gust of wind could make it bleed.

the realisation knocked the air out of her for just a moment, but it was enough for her to turn the stove off and sit down. she felt as if she had just run up the stairs, in fear that somebody was chasing her. she felt out of breath, disoriented and weirded out. maybe she should go to that doctor to talk about her anxiety, harry had always-

“hey, you! making some breakfast? how kind.” jane chimed, bright and chipper, ripping y/n out of her thoughts. she caught her gaze, offering a smile. “oh, I was just up early today. the eggs are probably burnt, though. just a heads up.”

jane nodded and went straight to her bag of toaster waffles and popped one of them into her mouth. a quick turn later, she faced y/n with an apologetic expression. as much as she wanted to grant y/n her bit of privacy, she needed to know what happened. before jane could open her mouth, y/n spoke. she spoke and spoke and spoke, retelling the whole thing, from the moment she felt overwhelmed at work, right up to the point where harry kicked her out. this was the second day she wasn’t at his place, refusing to refer to it as ‘home’, and everything still felt awfully unreal. jane listened and listened until she snapped. 

“hold on, what? you slept in your damn car? why didn’t you call me? y/n, that was so unsafe, dear god!” 

she was pacing up and down her lengthy kitchen, trying to wrap her head around how her best friend’s picture-perfect relationship went to shit without anybody else noticing. 

“I know, jane, I know, but I wasn’t really thinking and I didn’t want to bother anyone. the two of us have barely spoken lately, and-“

“as if that matters! y/n, you’re my best friend, okay? my ride or die. it doesn’t matter if I see you once a week or once a year, I am the person you tell these things to, okay? I’m the person you ask for help!”

y/n didn’t answer, shame clouding her senses. instead, her gaze turned downwards and she started picking her nails.

“you’re staying with me until we figure this out, okay? I don’t want to hear shit.” 

when y/n didn’t answer, jane physically forced her to look at her by nudging her hand under her chin and gently dragging it upwards. “got it, petal?” 

y/n nodded.

“wonderful! oh, and if I see harry, just know I’m gonna beat the shit out of him. lord knows he deserved it-“

“you will not, okay?”

jane looked at y/n as if she had grown a third head. confusedly, she goes: “wait, are you planning to forgive him, or something?”

y/n became frustrated. “I don’t know what I’m gonna do yet, okay? I just don’t know. I can’t face him for a bit, but I can’t tell you what’ll happen afterwards. please don’t hurt him, I know that you actually would.”

jane listened, processed, and nodded. she didn’t want to cause her any more emotional turmoil. 

“okay, dude. whatever you say. now, let’s plan this sleepover of ours!”

+++

it’d been seven days since harry had last seen her. with every day that had passed, his emotions spiralled.

his first phase: hatred. 

he hated her. he hated her boss, her work, her mindset. he hated all of the things he could blame for their fallout, thus also hating himself. he hated himself so much that he couldn’t bare to look at himself. when he wasn’t excessively punching things in his at-home gym, he got high and broke stuff. he called her and spoke spiteful things onto her voicemail. he cried angry tears and listened to angry, devastating music. 

the music triggered the second phase: sorrow.

he cried and cried and cried, especially to sad coldplay songs or the old records that his stepfather used to collect. the crying made him tired, so he slept a lot during this phase. though, as soon as he woke up, he’d be crying again. 

when the crying stopped, the depression came.

heaviness shaped his form. his feet felt too heavy to lift,  thus his bed became his permanent residence for a bit. his mind was hazy and everything he attempted to do sucked every last bit of energy out of him, resulting in a permanent state of exhaustion. 

his empty bed triggered his longest phase: loneliness.

he missed her. so fucking much.

he missed her smell. her peaceful, sleeping state. he missed how she would always have to collect individual hairs off of their covers because her hair just shed in heaps during her slumber. he missed how she’d look up at him when the first few moments of consciousness kissed her in the morning. he missed how he could lay his head on her soft chest and listen to her steady heartbeat. he missed how she would sometimes lovingly grab him by the jaw and pull him down to kiss his forehead. he missed how she used to make him coffee in the morning and he’d eat her out on the kitchen table to say thank you. he missed her body, every mark and every freckle. he missed her voice and wished he’d recorded it at some point. he missed the way she’d hug him from every angle. he missed how she could talk to him for hours about anything. he missed making love to her.

he missed being able to love her. 

he feared that she was gone now. far, far away from his reach. he had to make peace with it, though. right?

thus he welcomed his current phase: apathy. 

he didn’t care anymore; he wasn’t going to get her back. he’d fucked up too bad, so he resorted to resenting her for her mistakes. the negative emotions that were previously directed towards him only were now evenly distributed amongst her, him, their situation and the world. he didn’t want to talk to anyone, reach out to anyone, or even acknowledge his feelings in any way. as he cleaned up his house from the shards and pieces of the the things he had destroyed, he found a weird sense of serenity in the acceptance of his downfall. all was lost now, what else could go wrong? 

then, his phone rang.

he checked. it was sarah. 

he wasn’t going to pick up, but she’d called him a few times now. he didn’t want to worry her, so he finally picked up.

“hello?”

a sigh of relief left her.

“goodness, harry, where were you? I’ve been trying to reach you for ages! look, some things need to be picked up for the rehearsal dinner on tuesday. could you maybe handle it? I wouldn’t ask you but mitch and I have been super busy with everything else. pleeaasee?”

harry’s brows furrowed. rehearsal dinner?

then, he remembered. the fucking wedding.

mitch and sarah had been officially married for over a year, yet they never had a proper celebration due to obvious restrictions. and honestly, he’d completely forgotten about it within the last few days. a wedding for his best friends, which she was also supposed to attend. how on earth could he make this right?

“oh! and tell y/n to call me back, please! I’ve been meaning to talk to her about the dresses for the bridesmaids, but her phone is dead or something.”

without missing a beat, harry replied. “yeah, sure. I’ll tell her. also, send me what you need picked up and I’ll get it to you.” 

if there was one thing harry and y/n had in common, it was this: they would always put other people’s needs above their own, especially if it concerned their loved ones. there was no way in hell he would make one of his best friends worry about him when her wedding was just around the corner. he’ll pretend if he had to. but he was not going to fuck this up for them.

“oh, you’re an angel! I’ll send you all the details, thank you! I have to go now but give y/n a kiss from me, please. love you! see you later! bye!”

the phone beeped until inevitable silence.

right, so he had to hope that y/n would attend the wedding. no, he had to be sure that she would be there. not only that; he had to hope that she would agree to act normal around their friends, for now. 

harry needed to find a way to reach her. he might’ve fucked up his own relationship, but he was not going to spoil his friend’s wedding. 

wonderful. what could go wrong? except for absolutely everything?

+++

5.1k, not proofread (whoops), lowercase intended

PART THREE IS HERE HELLOOOOO

thank you for your patience !! i know it’s been a long time coming. parts of this were kind of hard to write for me, so excuse any ill worded sentences, please <3

i hope you enjoy this one! as always, all the love xx

-ve !!

#harry styles one shot #harry styles fic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles angst #harry styles concept #harry styles au #harry styles drabble #harry styles writing #harry styles x you #harry styles fanfic #harry styles blurb #harry styles #harry styles x reader #harry styles series #i was feeling very down while writing this and i hope it shows <3 #antiodote #he's writing! #harry styles smut #harry styles soft

[necros-writing-stuff]

Eden's new spouse had a diary on them when he took them. Spouse doesn't write in the diary for a bit at first while at the cabin, then starts writing again. Eden's spouse is pretty quiet, so they get curious. Eden reads the diary, and there are a bunch of entries about how awful life was and what they needed to do to survive, then spouse starts writing again and it's all about how much better life is now, and how much they love and appreciate Eden. Cue feels.

Brief, non-specific mentions of types of abuse PC faced growing up mentioned. Other than that, pretty fluffy (with some horny strewn throughout):

Eden doesn't always come back home this early from hunts. This one, however, went pretty badly when he'd stumbled across another hunter's old metal trap and cut his forearm. Of course he'd left his cleaning shit back at the cabin. It was just one of those days where nothing seemed to go right.

You'd seemed frazzled as you buzzed around him, still too quiet to really ask if you could help but the worry obvious in your eyes. That's when he noticed the poorly hidden notebook. You'd tried to put it behind the drawer, but in your haste to appear normal it'd fallen from its hiding spot and Eden finally discovered your little secret.

He kept his discovery to himself. Best that you wouldn't know so that you wouldn't change the hiding spot and Eden would be able to read future updates you wrote.

The chance to find out what the book entailed came early the next morning. Eden had an excuse to laze around a bit with his healing arm, but you were up and out to do chores. He didn't know what to expect. Plans to run away? Gorey scribbles of his head on a pike? Confessions of love for another?

The truth was somehow worse, yet far better.

The hunter's throat had a lump growing in it the further he read. It was a diary of sorts, detailing life at the orphanage before you were taken by Eden. He couldn't read too much of it, every hit and insult dredging up memories of his own he'd rather stay buried. His stomach flipped when he got to the sexual abuse. Goddamn it Bailey. Of all people, he should know better.

Despite the horrific details, there was a hopeful tone to the words he read. A tone that made sense as he continued to read. You'd written all of this after having been at the cabin for a while, having settled in and been allowed the freedom to use Eden's things as your own. Part of him was peeved he'd lost out on using a perfectly fine note book, but it was worth the words he had before him.

"I feel safe here. I didn't think I would ever know that feeling again, but I do now. Eden keeps me happy - which is still strange some days because he did sort of kidnap me. And he was terrifying. But with every new day I just can't help but feel like I might be starting to love him? Just a little bit? Maybe it's just Stockholm Syndrome."

That was just one entrance from three months ago. The trend continued.

"Yeah no, definitely lust at least. Caught myself almost drooling at him today while he was chopping wood, didn't even stop staring when he saw me. Ahhhh I must look like a freak to him sometimes. Well ya get what ya didn't pay for mister!"

The hunter couldn't help but chuckle at that. Though his cheeks grew hot from the thought that you'd been oggling him so. He'd have to remember to tale his shirt off while getting firewood more often.

"It's so fucking stupid, but every damn time he lets me sit in his lap and he reads to me I forget everything else ever existing. It's just me and him and the story he's reading, and I never feel so content anywhere else. Well, except maybe when we're doing it. He's getting really good when he goes down on me these days, I only wish he'd do it more often. I think I might have scared him by how hard I pulled his hair last time?"

More oral... yup he can certainly remember to do that. And no, it hadn't scared him at all when you'd pulled on his hair. It had almost made him finish in his pants before he could get to fucking you properly, actually. Hence why he didn't let you do it anymore.

There were more entries that Eden had to save for later, carefully placing your book back into its place and then finally joining you outside to do his share of the chores. A bubbly feeling rose in his chest as he worked, each time he caught your eyes on him only having him remember the words you'd written about finding it a turn on to watch him do jobs around the cabin.

It had been a long time since you'd felt safe. It had been a longer time since Eden had felt desirable. Since he'd felt accepted and loved.

Each day he'd find the time to check if you'd written something new. It was meant to be private, but he felt as though he needed to hear your praise. It became a crutch, a way to tell how the relationship was due to your withdrawn nature. You still didn't speak up very often. The hunter didn't hear your voice as much as he'd like to, so your written word had to fill the void. And it did, greatly.

Each and every compliment made his cheeks grow hot, his back a little straighter and his head was held a little higher. Every small declaration of love felt to be the size of Jupiter. Every moment of frustration endearing. He'd even been using the bedroom tips you had for him - carefully, of course. Didn't want you catching on.

You would eventually. You'd learn that he was reading your diary. But for now, Eden got to enjoy you in his own private way, too.

#spill your guts #wayfare-angel #eden the hunter #'nw lemon' #'nw abduction' #gn reader #'nw abuse'

[maple-seed]

Thrown - Chapter 31: A Failing Strategy

Summary: Loki tries a new tactic in an effort to curb his feelings.

Word Count: 2,435

Author's Note: Getting a bit angstier for a minute here.

Masterlist

He had dreamt about you again last night.

It was becoming a frustration. It's been weeks since his... epiphany regarding how he felt about you. He had expected it to at least begin waning by now, but if anything it was getting worse. You occupied nearly his every thought. Any free moment that he wasn't strictly engaged in a task --and even occasionally when he was-- his mind wandered to you. He would think about your laugh, imagine how you would feel in his arms, in his more salacious moments he might fantasize about the sounds you would make as he pleased you. He would reprimand himself after, these sorts of daydreams were certainly not going to help matters. Still, his thoughts inevitably drifted back to your scent or your smile or your shape.

The dreams were troublesome. At first it felt like a reprieve from his usual nocturnal torture. Dreaming of you was better than dreaming of his abusers or his past sins or his losses. Now he realized it was just another sort of torment. However delightful the dreams may be, when he woke he was overcome with a deeper sense of loneliness than he could bear. He would lie his bed in the cold light of morning and ache for your presence. It was a burden. Moreover, depending on the content of the dream, he would have trouble meeting your eyes later.

The problem was that he was spending too much time with you, he decided during breakfast. It was natural that he couldn't shake these feelings from his system, he was feeding into them nearly every day. He needed to limit his contact, just temporarily. Only long enough so he could cut back these traitorous growths, then he could resume his friendship with you unencumbered by the weight and tangle of this infatuation.

He and Thor had errands to attend to in the mortal town. This ran a significant risk of an encounter with you, but Loki was prepared. On their walk to town you were occupied, they could see you at work in the window of your studio. Loki tamped down the desire to join you there, sitting in that chair and watching you work. He and Thor continued on and went about their business without any particular incident. Loki may have been slightly distracted throughout but managed to keep up with the conversation well enough to avoid suspicion. On their way back home, however, you were outside in your field, and Loki steeled himself for what was to come.

"Boys!" You waved with a friendly smile as they came to a stop by your wall. "Did you happen to see Goat on your way here?" Thor looked confused. "No. Should we have? Is he missing?" You shrugged. "Not really. He wanders off sometimes. He always comes back. Working today?" "Our work is complete, for the most part. We were on our way home." Thor reached across the wall to pet Ash. You smirked. "I thought that might be the case. I'm beginning to get suspicious, your walks home always seem to coincide with meal times. Are you timing your errands to get dinner out of me?" "I don't see why we would go to so much trouble for something so freely given." Loki replied with his own smirk. He needed to be careful, he was being drawn in. You shrugged in surrender. "I can't really argue with that. I have a stew on, you're welcome to it." "My lady, I can think of no better way to end our day." Thor was already moving to open the gate. Loki hung back. "I'm afraid I must decline. I'm going to retire for the evening. Feeling a bit run down." Disappointment flashed across your face and his resolve nearly wavered. You replaced your smile and patted Thor's arm. "That's fine. More for us." Thor watched Loki with a wary eye as he followed you away. "Indeed. It is his loss." "I'm certain it is." Loki turned and began down the road. "I hope you feel better!" You called after him. He simply waved in response.

You and Thor disappeared into your cottage. Loki continued on to New Asgard. The walk home felt especially quiet.

Loki was reading when Thor returned home. Thor stood in the doorway to the living room, holding a plastic bowl with a sealed lid. "She sends this with her well wishes." Of course you sent him dinner. "That is very kind of her." Thor set the bowl on the end table beside Loki. "That sort of kindness is not something to spurn." "I agree completely." Loki turned a page. Thor watched him closely, trying to appraise his intentions. "It did not seem to me that you were in particular need of rest today." "I simply wasn't prepared for the social engagement." "So it was a lie." "Lies often serve a benevolent purpose, brother." Loki looked up at him. "I did not wish to injure her feelings or cause her doubt." Thor crossed his arms, making it clear that he disapproved, but left the room without anything more to say. Loki looked at the bowl on the table and felt undeserving.

**

Over the next few days Loki managed to avoid meeting you. He tended to the tasks that called for him in New Asgard, and always had something else to work on when something was needed in the human town. During his evening walks with Thor he discreetly guided their path, something he would typically never do, ensuring that if they left New Asgard they would wander the hills nearby rather than the road that might lead to your home. He managed to convince himself that it was working, that this sense of emptiness he felt was his heart finally letting go of this surplus attachment.

But now it was Saturday morning. Loki sat with his tea at the kitchen table. He stared down into the cup and wondered how you were faring. Had you made it to the market on time, without him there to help you pack? Were you managing without another set of hands to mind the stall? Had you made an extra sandwich, anticipating he would be there? The emptiness had become overwhelmingly present and he was beginning to suspect it was not the sign of mending he had previously assumed.

Thor came down the stairs and visibly startled when he saw Loki at the table. "What are you doing here?" "I may be mistaken, but I believe I live here." Loki stated flatly, still staring at his cup. "Yes." Thor rolled his yes. "But it's the weekend. A market day." "You may be surprised to learn I am not actually employed by the potter." He took a sip, still avoiding Thor's gaze. "Loki." There was a long pause, and Loki finally met his brother's eyes. There was a crease in his brow, his face a mix of frustration and concern. "I won't tell you how to conduct yourself here. I won't pretend to understand your machinations. All I will say is that you should tend to this carefully, whatever it is that you're doing." "Duly noted." Loki stood with his tea and returned to his room upstairs.

The day was spent in anguish. He tried to occupy himself with any number of diversions; reading, eating, walking, he even resorted to turning on the television, nothing broke the hold you had on his mind. He fought the urge to walk to the market, his instinct telling him that if he could just see you then he wouldn't have to think about you. He told himself that this would pass, and that this struggle proved these measures were necessary. Eventually the day was over, and he fell into a fitful sleep.

Sunday was no better. He waited until he heard Thor leave the house before exiting his bedroom, hoping to avoid another reprimand. He wondered if you had expected him this morning, after his absence yesterday. He wondered how you felt about it. Perhaps it was a relief for you, he thought to himself, he had been occupying a lot of your time. Besides, you had gone to the market alone for years, you didn't need him. He tried to frame it as some sort of kindness for your benefit. It didn't stop the intrusive thoughts about your wit or the shine of your eyes or how it felt when your hand brushed his, but it helped him bear it. The day whiled away slowly, and when he finally returned to bed he found he was exhausted by the effort of distraction.

He was aware that he was dreaming. He was in your cottage. More specifically, he was in your bedroom. It was rendered in considerable detail, he thought, for a room he typically only saw in passing. You were sitting on your bed, hugging your legs to your chest, head resting on your knees. You looked despondent. "Darling, what's wrong?" He stepped quickly to sit beside you. You looked up at him but didn't move. "I'm sorry." His brow furrowed. "For what?" You shook your head and closed your eyes. "I'm sorry." He reached for your hands, wrapping them in his. "There's no need." You squeezed his hand.

Loki awoke. That had certainly been different. He stared at his ceiling, trying to decipher what this was. The ache was worse. The empty feeling had progressed into an encompassing hollowness. He hadn't felt this when you were away during Jul. It wasn't just that he hadn't seen you, he realized, it was that he was keeping himself from you. He was the cause of it. It was his fault. It was necessary, he reminded himself as he turned over and tried to find sleep again.

**

The day's work was confined to New Asgard, and Loki was grateful that he didn't need to create any excuses. He was home by the late afternoon, however, and once again had to find a diversion. He was attempting to read when Thor again appeared in the doorway with his arms crossed over his chest.

Loki looked up. "Is there something I can help you with?" Thor frowned. "I ran into our friend just now, she was taking Ash to the beach for a walk. I invited her here for dinner." "Oh?" Loki's spirit rose. If Thor invited you here, well, that's something that couldn't be helped. "She declined." Loki's heart sank again. "Oh." "I wonder why she might do that." Thor was scowling now. Loki shrugged. "The inner workings of a human's mind-" "I imagine it's because you've been avoiding her." Loki set his jaw and looked back down at his book. "You told me recently you didn't want to injure her feelings. They have been injured." That cut right through him. He winced. "That... that was not my intention." Thor stared for a moment, then dropped his arms. "You know, brother, I don't believe I have the energy for our walk today. I suggest you go on your own." As he left the room he called over his shoulder. "Perhaps to the beach?"

**

When Loki found you on the beach you were sitting on a log that had washed ashore, watching the waves. Just laying eyes on you felt like a relief. He wondered why he had bothered with this foolishness. Ash trotted up to meet him as he approached and followed Loki back to where you sat. You glanced up at him and offered a half-smile. You looked tired. The relief he felt was replaced by guilt.

"May I join you?" You nodded to the space next to you. Loki took a seat and looked out at the water. "Has Goat returned?" "Not yet. But he will." Your eyes were focused on a swell in the distance.

A tense silence stretched between the two of you. That twisted his heart. Usually the silences you shared were a comfortable quiet. This isn't how things should be. This was his fault. He hadn't expected you to be affected this way, but he had been careless.

Eventually he found his nerve. "I owe you an explanation." "Was it something I did?" He balked. "No. No, of course not." You sighed and dropped your head. "That's all I really need to know."

Was that relief? Had his absence been hanging over you? He wondered what you could possibly have thought you'd done. His heart twisted again and shame kept him from saying anything else for some time. He eyed the scarf around your neck. Did you still wear the pendant he gave you? He wouldn't fault you if you didn't, after this trial he'd put you through.

He forced his gaze to the water again. "I thought you didn't care for the sea." You breathed a laugh. "I like it just fine from here. I'll even put my feet in. I just think it's arrogant to walk around on top of it." He tipped a wry smile. "It does seem arrogant, when phrased that way."

Another silence. This one felt much better. The two of you listened to the water pulling at the shore. The steady rhythm was reassuring.

"Will you join us for dinner?" He turned to you now. "I can't make any promises about the quality, but Thor has assured me it will be edible." You cringed. "I can't." You sounded regretful. "I already turned Thor down." Loki waved your concern away. "Not an issue. He's quite used to me currying favor where he can't." You smirked a little but were clearly still torn. "Please." He willed every ounce of sincerity into his voice. "He will consider me a failure if I return home without you. As will I." When your smile broke there was something in it that made it clear he had won. "I guess we can't have your ego damaged." He laughed softly. "Certainly not."

The two of you stood, and when he offered his arm you took it without hesitation. A small voice in the back of his mind told him he'd just undone any progress he might have made. He quickly shut it out. Perhaps he would be caught in this tangle for longer than he anticipated. He could endure it, so long as it wasn't hurting you. That was his new priority.

He led you to his home, with Ash padding along behind. Inside, Thor greeted you with a wide smile while Loki took your coat.

You removed your scarf and Loki's eyes lingered on your necklace.

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#loki #loki x reader #loki fanfiction #loki & thor #mcu loki #loki fanfic #loki mcu #reader insert #slow burn #loki thrown

[an-aura-about-you]

so y'all are not ready for the family drama that got back to me today.

content warning: discussion of abuse with a focus on threatening suicide as a manipulation tactic

so I haven't really mentioned this very much since it's not my news to tell, but my sibling and dad have been looking for an apartment to live in so they can move out of the house and not have to live with my mother. which says a lot, especially since I've put an emphasis on them doing whatever they wanna do without necessarily doing what I did. (though at the same time I'm Not Surprised By This Turn Of Events, especially the bit with Dad not thinking this move will be permanent. I'm not saying it will be permanent, but damn I'm tired of him getting abused for so long.)

my mother has been. upset about this, to say the least. we're talking huge crying fit once Dad finally broke the news to her. and then after that she was Weirdly Nice? but come to find out yesterday that she was only being nice because she thought if she could be nice they would change their minds as if this hasn't been a pattern over the last 40-50 years but that's not how this works and they're moving out for real. (she also threatened to move out herself, a thing she's done before, and the reaction was very much that Futurama bit with teenage Bender threatening to run away.) and the more I learn about different kinds of abuse like emotional neglect and financial abuse, the worse it all gets. in any case, Dad and my sibbie are not deterred. (though my sibbie came to hang out with me at my place yesterday after this happened.)

but today she decided to hit the family with the Classic™️ tactic If You Do This I Will Kill Myself. this is not the first time she's said something like this, as she once told my sibling that if he should choose to cut her off the way I did, then she would kill herself.

now, my sibling and I saw this for the manipulation tactic that it was and knew she wasn't going to do this for real.

Dad, on the other hand.

well, while he only recently learned how bonkers some of the stuff my mother's been saying really is, like how she apparently wants to sue him for "not paying attention to her," he took this very seriously and drove her to the ER.

and now apparently she has to stay overnight and she might have to go to a psych hospital like an hour and change away from here. I think she maybe didn't think he was going to call her bluff because at the hospital she was like, "can't you just give me some meds to calm me down and send me home?" the medical staff apparently didn't even humor this idea.

now, I'm not in favor of institutionalization for a suicidal patient against their will, but seeing my mother Find Out after she's been Fucking Around for so long is personally pretty satisfying.

[crustose]

The Beach Boys' Pet Sounds, reordered to fit Steddyhands timeline

Pet Sounds is about Stede, Ed, and Izzy. and here's the proof. Listen on Spotify

Wouldn't It Be Nice

Ed/Izzy, Hornigold era. Encapsulates the joy of finding each other, while yearning for better times. Hoping that one day they’ll have it, if they just hold on for a little while longer.  

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up In the morning when the day is new? After having spent the day together Hold each other close the whole night through But happy times together we've been spending I wish that every kiss was never-ending Oh, wouldn't it be nice?

You know it seems the more we talk about it It only makes it worse to live without it

Discussing mutiny, building Blackbeard, together. Longing for the kind of life that isn’t ruled by Hornigold any longer.

I Just Wasn't Made for These Times

Ed “It’s all so fuckin’ boring’ Teach

Every time I get the inspiration To go change things around No one wants to help me look for places Where new things might be found Where can I turn when my fair weather friends cop out? What's it all about?

I Know There's an Answer

Co-Captains? Co-Captains. 

I know so many people who think they can do it alone They isolate their heads and stay in their safety zones

Now how can I come on And tell them the way that they live could be better? [Traditionally, piracy is a culture of abuse, floggings, keelhaulings. And my thought is, "Why?” And also, what if it wasn't like that?]

Here Today 

Izzy, warning Ed against Stede. 

It starts with just a little glance now Right away you're thinkin' 'bout romance now You know you ought to take it slower But you just can't wait to get to know her A brand new love affair is such a beautiful thing But if you're not careful think about the pain it can bring

It makes you feel so bad It makes your heart feel sad It makes your days go wrong It makes your nights so long

Izzy, warning Stede against Ed

Right now you think that she's perfection This time is really an exception Well, you know I hate to be a downer But I'm the guy she left before you found her Well, I'm not saying you won't have a good love with her But I keep on remembering things like they were

That's Not Me

Stede leaves, thinking he’s doing the right thing for everyone. Once he reckons with that, he can return with the confidence that he loves Ed, and that the Revenge is home. 

I had to prove that I could make it alone now But that's not me I wanted to show how independent I'd grown now But that's not me I could try to be big in the eyes of the world What matters to me is what I could be to just one girl [Ed Teach btw]

I'm a little bit scared 'cause I haven't been home in a long time [Stede talking to Ed’s wanted poster] You needed my love and I know that I left at the wrong time

I'm Waiting for the Day 

Stede/Ed/Izzy, at various points. They were there for each other, bridging those times when various iterations of the three of them were broken up. 

I kissed your lips and when your face looked sad It made me think about him and that you still loved him so [S2 Stede to Ed and Izzy, separately] You didn't think, no, that I could sit around and watch him take yo You didn't think that I could sit back and let you go

Izzy, S1, hoping that the duel would get Ed back.

Don't Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder) 

Ed/Izzy. Those first moments of reconciliation, when it’s just the two of them. They can’t really talk about it, not yet, but they can sit together, shoulder to shoulder [well, shoulder to upper arm more like], hands gently clasped, and just be. 

I can hear so much in your sighs And I can see so much in your eyes There are words we both could say Come close, close your eyes and be still Don't talk, take my hand and let me hear your heart beat

Sloop John B

Stede/Izzy, that night that Ed left. Stede’s excitement at being respected as a real pirate, giving way to his anxiety over Ed. Izzy helps him through it. 

Around Nassau town we did roam Drinkin' all night Got into a fight Well, I feel so broke up I wanna go home Call for the captain ashore, let me go home

You Still Believe in Me 

Ed/Izzy. Ed’s wonder and gratitude that Izzy, against all odds, stays. 

Every time we break up, you bring back your love to me And after all I've done to you, how can it be You still believe in me

God Only Knows 

Steddyhands. No explanation needed. 

If you should ever leave me Well, life would still go on, believe me The world could show nothing to me So what good would living do me?

#I am praying people at this coffee shop didn't watch me spend an hour switching btwn google docs and genius lyrics making this #izzy hands #ofmd #steddyhands #edizzy #stizzy

[timeoverload]

Today was a lot more stressful than I was anticipating. I felt like death when I woke up but I managed to get up anyway. I had 26 cases so that wasn't too bad but everything else was going wrong. One of the morning shift people called in again so there were only 3 of us until 11am. The morning team lead was in decontam for like 5 hours and he would not stop talking to me so my social battery is drained. I am glad we are getting along better but he is too much for me sometimes. It also sucked because we were really busy and there were a lot of priorities. The girl we just hired decided not to show up for new employee orientation so that was frustrating. That's the third person we have hired in the past 6 months that didn't work out. I can't remember the last time we were fully staffed. It's so annoying.

I had a panic attack again this afternoon. My grandma texted me to tell me she has a concussion because she fell due to high blood pressure. She can't handle the stress. She told me I need to deal with my mom because she can't do it anymore. She also told me my mom wants to come home and I need to help her. My mom texted me a while after that and started being so nasty to me. She was being so mean even though I tried to send nice messages. That made me cry so I had to leave the department for a little bit. She sort of calmed down after a while so we were able to have a discussion.

She was trying to tell me she wanted to move back and she said she would get a bus ticket when the time comes. She wants to stay with my grandma for a month. I told her she couldn't do that because grandma isn't doing well. She also doesn't have a spare room. My mom abused my grandma when she lived with her last time. My grandma lost her condo because of my mom's behavior while she lived there. It's just not a good idea. My mom said she would sleep on someone's couch but we are definitely not going to let her stay at the house with us. It's not safe. My dad and I are both afraid of her. I'm sure my brother and sister feel the same way. I am nervous about having to be around her by myself. I don't know if she is capable of doing much damage now due to her disabilities but I can't be sure. I haven't seen her in years so I don't know how much she has changed. She asked me why I was living at home and I told her about how I dumped my ex and needed a safe place to live. I also said that I can't live alone due to my health. She didn't respond after that but maybe she had an epiphany and realized that my dad isn't a bad guy like she thinks. I'm not really sure if that's true or if I offended her. I bet I will still get nasty messages later. I am planning on getting cameras in case she tries to come to the house and do weird stuff. She isn't allowed over here and she will get a ticket for trespassing.

I told her that I will try to pay for a hotel room for her for a month but I don't know how I am going to afford that. I am going to have to figure out my budget. I have a bill I really need to pay on Friday so I don't know how much I will have left over. She argued with me about not wanting to get a hotel room because it's expensive. I know it's expensive but there aren't any other options at the moment. It would be way better than staying at a shelter. She is so damn stubborn sometimes. She is going to be applying for disability again so I really hope she follows through with that this time.

She got a new phone so I can call her whenever I want so that's nice I guess. I am just surprised that we were able to text each other for several hours earlier and a lot of what she was saying made sense. I have learned that I need to try to change the subject when she starts going off on a rant. It seems like it sort of helps. She keeps sending me links to her youtube videos and I haven't watched them in a while because they make me uncomfortable. I think I might have to make myself do that sometime because I want to know what she has been doing.

She stresses me out so much but I love her anyway. She did tell me she loved me earlier so that made me happy. She is still capable of being nice sometimes. I really hope I can figure everything out by myself because I want her to be safe. I'm just happy she wants to come home because I didn't think that I was going to get another chance to see her. I also hope she doesn't run away again. I am going to do my best to stay positive and hope for the best.

I don't know what I am going to do but I can't think about it anymore right now because I am so tired. I will probably have to take intermittent FMLA after all. I won't get paid when I'm off so that is going to make this harder. I am going to talk to my boss about it tomorrow. There is a lot on my shoulders right now and I am overwhelmed.

I am also worried about Maxwell. You are too hard on yourself sometimes. I don't know why you think it would fix things if someone were to hit you in the head. I think you just need more love. There are so many people that love you and care about you. I think that you need to be reminded of that more often. You need more hugs. I think you need to go on a walk with me sometime. I am also wondering if you have ever talked to anyone about your depression. I think that might be good for you. I can tell you are depressed but I don't know what is going on in your mind. I'm not saying that you should take medication necessarily but maybe it would help. I know it has helped me a lot so maybe it could do the same for you. Obviously I'm not a doctor but I am concerned about you. I don't want you to be sad or upset about anything. I love you.

I just need to try to relax the rest of the night. My back hurts and I'm having cramps so it's hard to get up right now. I wish I had the motivation to do something. My main goal is to actually eat dinner. I have been avoiding hot food because it upsets my stomach. I am glad I had a boost before I went to work because I didn't have time to eat breakfast. I bought a muffin but I didn't want to stop to eat it. I was also upset that they didn't have blueberry muffins so I had to get a chocolate one. I usually like chocolate muffins but theirs aren't very good in my opinion. I am still going to eat it but I'm not in the mood. I made myself get a small salad at lunch and I was able to eat half of it so that was good because I haven't been eating enough vegetables. I wish I would have been able to finish it but I got too nauseous. I need to eat a lot of smaller meals during the day but that's impossible with my schedule. I will keep trying to eat more.

Anyway, I'm going to put my pajamas on and make some food soon. I need to go to bed earlier than I did last night. I was awake until almost 11. I guess I got more sleep than I did the night before so that helped. It still wasn't enough. I took a muscle relaxer a little while ago so that will help me fall asleep. I need the rest because tomorrow is Thursday. I really hate Thursdays. I might have to stay late because there might not be anyone available to finish up for me. I already know that the lady that works the night shift will be on vacation. I'm not going to worry about it anymore at the moment. I should probably stop rambling now and try to get out of bed. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day than today was.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow too. 💖💖💖

#personal

[kimhaeni]

I've lost my mind

hi everyone, sorry for uploading so late but here you go a long chapter, likes and reblogs are expected since I should get at least 20 likes for my efforts;(

pairing: Taehyung x reader

genre: angst,fluff??, strangers to lovers, abusive parents, depression, sadness, Tae is a total gentleman:)

Summary: Depressed reader meets Taehyung, he promises to protect you, your stepfather is the biggest rival in the story,

will your love end or will you be able to endure all the pain and strive to be his?

Continue...

You wake up just to find him sleeping on the corner of the bed and a pout plastered on his face. 'Cute' you thought. You couldn't help but smile while looking at his face however, the smile soon faded away when you looked up to the small clock on the headboard.

9 : 45 a.m.

You're doomed. Totally doomed. You had to be on time for your school, and even did not go to home since last night. God knows what is coming to you today. Last time you got home late you were locked up in the basement with no food or water given to you for the whole day and ended up in the hospital the next day.

"Ohh you got up finally" the deep voice cut your thoughts.

"Ah yeah, thank you so much for giving me shelter but I swear I gotta go" you said getting up from the bed, neither caring for the wounds in your leg and back nor worrying about anything else, everything you cared for was to get to school no matter what you have to make it school not to mention the school starts from 10 a.m.

"wait-"

"I swear if I could but I can't miss school, I am really sorry, bye" you said. Picking up your bag and phone, you marched hurriedly towards the exit.

time skip

You finally reached the school but shit. You saw your stepfather already standing at the gate totally looking furious. You took a deep breath and thought of all the excuses you can come up with if he asks you where exactly you were.

"Oh so look who is here! My dearest daughter had fun all night away from home probably! " He said sarcastically.

"Da-" before you could say, the bell rang to allert all the students to get into their classes.

"Go inside, I'll talk to you later!"

Here we go again, you never get to defend yourself, why? Because maybe he thinks that he is the most powerful person in the world or maybe because you are not his real child because you're his step daughter. So what? What about your mother? She's locked up in the basement from days and not even allowed to meet her own child neither she is even allowed to die without his permission. What about your real father? He was killed by your step father. There's no point in living with him but where would you even go? You only have some property left in your name that was also given by your real father. And maybe that's why he's keeping you in his house. What after you sign the papers? Probably you and your mother would be killed.

You are not sure what he's going to do to you today but you just shrug it off since you are used to it now.

You get into your class and start walking towards your desk. "The toxic girl sits here" "Why don't you die" "Just die" "Get lost from this school" "Such a slut" "loser" "nerd" "fuck you bitch", things that were written and marked on your desk. Why do they do this to me? I'm a human too. It's not fair. I'm so tired;( It's been a year since I met mom. God knows what he's doing to her in that damn basement. Is he even giving her to eat or not? How is my mom? It hurts so much thinking how much he might torture her inside there.

"Goodmorning class, let's start our class. I'm your new professor Kim Taehyung." cuts you off from your thoughts.

You look forward at him emotionlessly. He was dressed nicely in a white shirt with the first two buttons unbuttoned and a black blazer tugged with a black suit pant at the bottom. Probably a rich guy , you thought.

"Let me know a bit about you all. Please introduce yourselves." he said. He can't see you since you are in the last bench.

"Hi Mr. Kim I'm Laura Park. You can call me Laura."

"Ok Nice to meet you Laura" he says with a cold tone. He remembers her since she was the one who bullied you.

"Hello . I'm Alex."

"Okay Alex you can sit down".

Few more students and then finally its your turn. His head shot up looking at you when you stood up.

"Hello professor. I'm Lee y/n " you said in a cold way.

"Hey there. Nice to meet you y/n . You can take your seat" he said throwing a soft smile to you.

All the girls started looking in a sarcastic way being jealous the way the professor talked to you so normally and softly.

You were sitting peacefully with earphones plugged in and listening to your favourite playlist . The song "his daughter" started playing and you almost lost yourself in the music when a harsh slap was thrown at your face.

"ugh!" you cried

"Why the hell are you not in the canteen already? Haan? Such a bitch you are. Did you forget your lesson?" Laura said angrily.

Fuck you thought. Never mind. Forget it y/n . Don't lose yourself. Not again. Let me show her who you are today.

"When will you stop beating me? Haan? Do I look like a joke to you? " You said furiously. Anger and pure rage surrounding you totally. The monster is coming back again. Shit.

"Woah! Look at her shouting at me. You want to learn your lesson again. Don't you? " She said laughing like a maniac.

"Let me show you today Laura, who I am" you said throwing a hard punch on her face that she might have almost broke her teeth.

"Ouch, you bitch" she said bringing a steel bottle to hit you. But before she could, you kicked her hard on the leg.

"I'm warning you bitch. Don't wake up the monster inside me. I swear to god you will die if it does!" you said at the point your voice didn't sound human at all. You hardly gave her a few more slaps until she started wincing in pain. You got up and took your bag and went outside of the class not even caring about the drops of blood that were falling from the corner of your lips .

You were totally occupied by anger. Couldn't think of anything else but just wanted to end your life. You walked towards the school terrace and stood up on the railing.

"When did my life become like this? Why is my life like this? Why only my life out of all the people? When will my life be happy again? Why don't you kill me God? Why am I even suffering this? I'm getting tired of my life. WHY? WHY CAN'T I BE HAPPY LIKE THOSE OTHER PEOPLE? MY STOMACH IS HURTING! WHAT DO I DO? IS IT MY FAULT TAKING BIRTH IN THIS CRUEL WORLD? JUST KILL ME INSTEAD!? MY LIFE IS A MESS. WILL I EVER BE HAPPY AGAIN? I'VE NOT SMILED FROM YEARS! IT HURTS! IT HURTS A LOT! I TRY TO DIE ALL THE TIME BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MOTHER? I CAN'T LEAVE HER ALONE WITH THAT MONSTER!!" you shouted till the point you didn't even care if anyone could hear you or not. You wiped off your tears and said to yourself that you won't die so fast. You need to get your revenge on your step father and meet your mother and help her escape this place. Only then you would be able to die happily.

"Hey are you okay?" the deep voice cut you off again.

You stepped back from the railing and looked towards him with no emotions showing in your face. Why does he have to be everywhere you are?

"Y/N are you okay?" he said again.

"No I'm not! YES I'M NOT! DO YOU HAVE ANY PROBLEM? WHY ARE YOU HERE NOW? " you lost yourself again.

"I was just wondering where were you"he said.

"Don't wonder about me please! I don't like anyone thinking about me. Please! Stop thinking about me! I HAVE MY OWN PROBLEMS IN MY LIFE. " you said .

You walked away cutting off his next sentence before he could even speak anything. You walked away wiping off your tears.

How can you think of me not to think about you, darling. I've waited a long enough time. I can't anymore, jagiya. Just a few more days, I promise. I will take you away from these rubbish people. I promise, my love. He thought.

#taehyung x reader #taehyung x y/n #bts angst #taehyung imagine #taehyung angst

[burgundy-and-navy]

callum deserves his aaron dingle moment

Here's the thing I'm looking forward to a ballum reunion. Admittedly I have some fears about it, but for the most part I don't care. Ben finally gets to go home. Callum gets his family back. I'm perfectly fine with the reunion also being lowkey. I think after everything something small and quiet and soft would be really nice. I don't need a special episode, but the one thing I think the show needs to do have callum show some self-awareness and this is where emmerdale comes into it.

I love the big robron reunion episode. I love everything at the club, Robert getting to say that Aaron really hurt him by leaving and have those feelings be treated as valid, and I love a good monologue. I don't think ballum needs all these things. But one of the moments that I really love in the ed episode, and i think ee could learn from, is when Aaron took accountability for his actions, both before and during the break up. I mean I was near cheering when I saw that. Because just like with ballum that break up was ultimately the fault of both characters. And I don't just love it because of the reunion, I love it as a moment of growth. Aaron recognises that he can't just blame Robert or Rebecca for the break down of his marriage. It's him being reflective and working to be better. It is a massive character moment irrespective of the relationship and callum deserves that too.

Because like Callum, Aaron fully scapegoated Robert during their break up. Everything was Robert's fault even though, pre-Rebecca especially, Aaron's behavior directly contribute to their relationship falling apart. He attacked a dude and ended up in prison and still wholly blamed Robert for that. It got to the point where it was frustrating to watch. It didn't mean I didn't like the character or didn't find his actions understandable, that's the tragedy of that era. But even after the break up, as time went on, I found Aaron to be cruel at times and that's with the knowledge that Robert did actually cheat. I mean I love the final scene of christmas 2017, genuinely my fav ed scene, but part of me just cringes when Aaron does his 'i am moving on and that might not be with alex but at least it won't be with you' bit, cause its kicking a man when he was already down.

I think its slightly worse for Callum, because his martial failures are simultanously way more noticable (i mean going get over your ptsd or i'll divorce, or ignoring ben breakdown over the poster -yelling im scared while hitting yourself in the head are not the behaviors of someone who is well- are just horrible things to do, and if it was any other character but especially ben there would be ten thousand think pieces about how it's emotionally abusive) but seemingly forgotten about, and personally that's spoiling things a little for me. Like with today's line about I know when you're struggling, part of me was like 'aw that's lovely' and then the part was bitterly going 'do you now Callum, cause I distinctly remember the several months when you either didn't notice or didn't care.' And that is pre-Lewis. Selfishly, just a line were Callum accepts some fault would just make me enjoy things a bit more.

I like callum, I really do, but when ee leans in to this saint callum thing all it does is piss me off, cause guess what this year callum has treated ben way worse then ben treated callum. And by not acknowledging that they're doing a massive disservice to the character. The reason he can feel flat at times isn't because he's treated like just ben's husband, it's because he's treated like he's without sin, even when he is clearly in the wrong. It's a soap opera. Characters are sinful. Characters in soaps are messy and make mistakes and struggle, but they also work to be better, and that's starts with taking accountability. That's what makes them meaningful. All it takes is just one line where he goes 'hey I was wrong too, but I'll try be better.' Let callum have his aaron dingle moment, he deserves it.

#eastenders #ballum #ben mitchell #callum highway #anyway bring on the reunion #i'm just goin to spend the rest of the week listening to this love and the great war #I vow I will always be yours cause we survived the great war #it's a ballum song #also you're still you by josh groban

[fandomsareforlife]

Can't Go Home

Summary: Gravis wanted to tell him mom something big. But it might not go too well.

TW: Child abuse, homophobia, suicide attempt

Notes: This is my version of an April Fool's fic. Did not proof read this whatsover. This is for @badthingshappenbingo. Here is the bingo card. Please ask for warnings if they are needed. Might edit this later.

There were some things that everyone knew about Gravis. Everyone knew that he was the master of gravity, that he was calm, that he liked to play video games and that his favorite food was hummus. 

However, this was an non-exhaustive list of things about him. There were some things that few people knew about him. 

These things included his favorite color was yellow, or that he had a soft spot for techno, or that he was dating Jacob. Of those things, the last one was relevant to his plans for today. 

Today, Gravis was going to come out to his mother. He knew that there was a chance of it failing, but he hoped that it went well. 

Gravis made sure that he cleaned himself nicely that morning, and he put on a nice shirt and pants. Even if he wanted to throw up from nerves, he would not let himself be sloppy when he did this. 

Gravis then took a bus to his mother’s home, a nice little house outside of Ninjago city. He would summon his elemental dragon, but he was too scared. 

(He should have listened to his fear. Then everything might not have gone so wrong.)

Eventually, Gravis arrived at his mother’s door. This was it. He was really going to do it. 

Gravis raised his fist and knocked two times, then after a moment three more. He grinned softly at the fact that even though he hadn’t seen his mother in a while, he still remembered their secret knock.

Gravis’s mother opened the door, a soft smile on her face. 

“Hello, Gavin!” she cheered. “Please, come in.”

Gravis grinned at her and stepped through the door. He took off his shoes and followed his mother into the house. “Sit, bihta. Let me get us tea,” Gravis’s mother commanded. Gravis frowned, but he knew that he should listen to his mother. She was the one in charge here, after all. 

Gravis took a seat on the sofa in the living room, a soft thing of red and brown. It was a product of his mother’s hard work for months when he was child. 

Gravis’s mother came back to the living room fairly quickly, with two cups of steaming tea and biscuits on a tray. She set the tray down on the table, and then she handed Gravis a cup of tea. 

Gravis took a sip of his tea, and tried to keep a scowl off his face. He forgot his mother always made tea fairly weakly. 

“How are you, Gavin?” his mother asked when she sat down with her cup. 

“I am doing well, mother. How are you?” 

Gravis’s mother gave a tired laugh. “Oh, you know, the usual. Been busy. But I am doing fine, otherwise.” Taking a sip of tea, she gave Gravis a pointed look. “What did you come here today? Not that I don’t enjoy this, but you mentioned that you needed to tell me something.”

Gravis felt himself tense a bit. This was his last chance to back out. He could make up something (even though he wasn’t good at lying). 

But he had to do this. Otherwise, he knew he would never do it. 

“Mother, I have something to tell you. And I hope that you realize that I am the same person still, and that you just know a bit more about me,” Gravis started. Gravis’s mother put down her cup and was looking at him with wide eyes. Gravis took a deep breath, and looked at his feet. “I am gay. I have known this since I was sixteen. I know that I should have told you sooner, but I-”

Gravis’s chin was suddenly forced upwards. Gravis’s mother looked down at him, her expression furious and tears flowed down from her eyes. 

“How could you?” she whispered. “How could you do this to me? Surely you know how I feel about those sorts of deviants.” She sniffled softly. “How many children have you corrupted?” 

Gravis wanted to say that he could not believe the words coming out of her mouth, but that would be lying to himself, and Gravis made it a habit to not lie to himself. He knew that his mother always judge those who didn’t fit in her perfect mold a bit harsher, but he had hoped that her love for him would override anything like that in regards to him. 

He was an idiot. He was truly an idiot.

Gravis gulped, before answering his mother. “I never corrupted anyone. I am so sorry, mama.”

Gravis closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. He needed to be able to leave, but he didn’t want to escalate the situation. 

Suddenly, he felt something crash into his face. Gravis crumpled slightly, feeling his face. There was something wet dripping down on his face. 

“That’s what you deserve. You are not my son. Leave. Maybe you should put yourself into the oven. That will give you a taste of what you deserve.” She pushed him into the sofa, and her footsteps moved away from him. She left Gravis to his own devices. 

Gravis did not know how long it had been, but eventually he was able to shakily get on his legs. He walked back towards the door to get his shoes. He needs to leave. 

Walking out of his mother’s house, Gravis forced himself to walk back to his apartment. While he could technically get on a bus, he did not think that he could be able to handle being in such a crowded space for any period of time. 

As Gravis walked to his apartment, he managed to get his legs to stop shaking and his breath to even out. His mind was not as foggy as it was before with emotions. Everything felt less now. 

(He ignored how there was still blood on him. He ignored how a part of him was shattered. He ignored the fact that everything was inexplicably changed. He would feel like he would never feel safe again.)

Gravis was grateful that the elevator up to his apartment was empty. He didn’t have to worry about anyone asking him any questions. He could be alone. 

Opening the door to his apartment, Gravis forced himself to walk towards his bathroom. He needed to clean the blood off of him. It was drying up, and Gravis didn’t want to clean it off when it was fully dry.

Gravis didn’t bother turning the lights on when he cleaned the blood off him. He could barely tell what he was doing. One minute he was scrubbing at the blood with a washcloth, and the next he was sobbing into his hands. 

He couldn’t go home. He had his apartment, but he couldn’t go to his mother again. He could never have her tea or her cooking. She would never pull her fingers through his hair again. 

Why did he do that? Gravis Gavin should have known better. He should have known that doing this would have made his mother mad. He should have been smarter. He should have been better.

His mother was right. He should die. If he was going to hell, he should just take himself to the expressway. 

(Gravis ignored how his mind kept bringing up images of Jacob’s face at the funeral of everyone who died. He ignored the guilt he felt. He didn’t want to let himself think logically. This was better for everyone. At least, it would be.)  

Gravis eventually was able to stop himself from crying. As his view  of the world became less blurry, he saw a bottle of pills. 

Gravis picked them up, and then walked towards the kitchen. He poured a glass of water. He sat at the table. 

Then, slowly, Gravis lifted a handful of pills up to his mouth.

#ninjago #bad things happen bingo #ninjago gravis #tw child abuse #tw homophobia #tw suicide attempt #angst with no comfort #resonatedgravity

[white-pearls]

Dopamine 18+

Sakuatsu + Bokuaka

Master list || Chapter 2|| Minors do NOT interact

Nobody is perfect everyone has their flaws. What happens when Atsumu who has one of the biggest rumors at school revolving around him and Sakusa who has a secret he can’t tell anyone. While Akaashi a boy who cares so much about his image but has someone trying to dig up a dirty secret about him falls in love with a boy who seems so far of reach.

TW: drugs, underage drinking, needles, blood, fighting, language, violence, rape?, mentions of being molested, mentions of abuse, ect.

Chapter 3

"Eyo, heard there is a party at Aran" a guy from the football team yells. That was todays gossip around the school. A party being held at one of the most loved players house. Apparently his parents had gone out for a business trip for the week meaning he had all the freedom a teen could ever want. 

Atsumu leans back in his chair pleased from what he had just heard. Aran was a man who held the best parties in the school and he was definitely not going to miss out. 

"Yer coming to the party?" Atsumu says turning his attention to Akaashi who was busy writing notes. 

"Please Atsumu you know I can't do that when I'm trying to keep up with my work. Why don't you actually try doing your anatomy work instead of partying. " The boy said. 

"Please I can't go alone!" The blond protest. Not like he was going to be alone entirely. Suna also went to the party's to do business or to pick up girls. But Atsumu needed someone he could rely on to look out for him. Last time Suna left him blacked out in a strangers bathtub. It was the awkwardest day of his life trying to get out of the house. 

"What if I get hurt? In trouble? Or even worst molested." Atsumu pouts. Still his friend did not budge. He was dead set on not attending. Party's weren't Akaashi's thing. He didn't like the idea of sweaty drunk people around him. 

"It will make you look great! A boy with the best grades and socializes with his fellow peers." Atsumu said knowing how to get him to come. "You'll be recognized greatly that you'll earn scholarships for being the best." 

He watched his friend contemplate what he had just said. Akaashi did anything to look good. He had this weird thing where he lived to make his image look great. Maybe he was self conscious?

The boy fiddled with his fingers for a bit before exhaling heavily giving in. 

"Fine, but you better not make me regret this." 

_____________

"Atsumu did ya bring the alcohol?" Aran yells as the blond enters the house. 

"Ya bet, I even brought Suna if you guys want to get really fucked up." Atsumu spreads his arms out greeting his friend. 

Suna waved as he sat down with his black bag next to him. The party had already gotten started. It wasn't too crowded yet. People where already drinking and dancing. Chatting with old friends and starting beef. Loud music played in the background making people get hyped. 

Akaashi sat next to Suna due to the fact that this was his first party. He didn't know how to act or look without being seen as a loser. He laid back for a bit watching Atsumu disappear in the crowed. He felt anxious being in such a place. The music played loudly and people where yelling. This was definitely not a place for him. He should of been home studying. Actually doing something productive. Not babysitting his friend who can't control their alcohol. It was too late now, he was already here he might as well make it worth coming.

Standing up he went to pour himself a drink in a red cup. He wasn't much of a drinker but he couldn't just sit down and be bored the whole time. It might help him loosen up a bit. 

At least he hoped. 

"Let's get this shit started!" Atsumu yelled as they poured juice, alcohol, candy and sugar in a barrel. Other members of the football team helped creat the drink. Was it really going to be a high school part without this drink? 

As they finished Atsumu grabbed a cup and chugged it down feeling a sense of energy serge through him. He watched how girls began dancing around him. One brunette dancing on him. He grabbed onto her waist and started dancing with her as he drank. He felt as her ass pressed onto his groin. Moving to the beat of the music. She wore a short dress that would go up every time she moved her ass. At some point Atsumu could see her undergarments. Not like he cared though. He was kind enough to help keep it down time by time. 

"I see you," suna said as he walked passed him with the same girl he had at his house last night. Atsumu gave him a wide smile and continued having fun. 

Suddenly he felt another girl grab onto him. She reached for his face to give him a kiss. What he didn't know was that she had alcohol in her mouth. She passed it down to him as their lips connected catching the blonde off guard. He looked at her bewildered. 

"Your a freaky one huh?" He said as he grabbed her. Leaving the other girl alone. He looked deep into her eyes seeing she was already drunk. Her blonde hair in a high ponytail. She wore a green tight dress and a sly smirk on her face making Atsumu want to act up. He grabbed her wrist putting her hand on his chest. While his other hand grabbed her by the waist. They danced to the song Dark Red by Steve Lacy. Getting more and more intoxicated by the minute. He caressed her cheek as he leans in for a kiss. A kiss that lasted a few second. Her lips where so soft. She smelled so sweet that Atsumu's kissed her neck to get a closer smell of whatever she was wearing. 

"Arnt ya from the cheerleading squad?" Atsumu said trying to make conversation. 

"Yea I am, what about it?" She giggled. 

"Nun I just couldn't believe such a gorgeous girl is dancing with me." Atsumu kissed her again slowly. 

"How about we go into one of those rooms?" She asks as she puts two fingers on Atsumu's chest. Slowly rubbing them up and down to his groin area. 

Atsumu smiles as he grabbed a bottle of tequila and poured himself a shot. He proceeded to then take it down in one go. 

"Take the lead," Atsumu said as she grabbed him. 

But before he could make it out of the kitchen he felt someone tug on his sleeve. He turns around to see Hinata standing there. Quickly snatching his arm from the girl. He turned his full attention on Hinata. 

"Hey Hinata I didn't know you where going to be here, what ya looking for?" Atsumu asks putting his arm on the table next to them. 

"Ah I was wondering if you seen Kageyama, he said he was coming." Hinata said looking around. 

Atsumu looked at him up and down wondering if this boy was playing games. He was sure that he made it clear that he had a crush on Hinata. Either he was playing hard to get or he was actually dense. 

"I haven't but if ya like we can sit together so you won't be alone." Atsumu said acting as if he didn't care. Being honest he didn't know how this Kageyama guy looked like. 

"Of course we can, let's sit at the couch. Are you drunk yet?" Hinata asks as he begins walking sliping through the crowed. 

"I'm getting there but not quite yet," Atsumu says trying to keep up with the the smaller one. Eventually they made it to the sofa where Akaashi sat scrolling on his phone. The two friends made eye contact. 

Akaashi with disbelief and disappointment in his face. While Atsumu winked at him. 

"How have you been? Sorry we haven't spoken so much. Ever since we parted ways we stopped talking." Hinata says as he looks around for something. 

Akaashi takes notice of the bizarre behavior. He debates if he should join in the conversation but he knows Atsumu will be mad later. Instead he gets up to look for a new location to rest. 

Walking around for a bit he notices people watching him. Might be due to the fact that it was their first time seeing him at a party. Quickly he moves outside with a feeling of relief seeing empty chairs at a bon fire. The other people around it where high or passed out which was no problem at all. 

Taking a seat he relaxed feeling the warmth hit him. Hearing the fire crackle softly. Hopefully nothing ruined this peace right now. 

"Akaashi? I didn't think you would be here, how ya feeling?" Akaashi was startled by the sudden loud voice. 

Behind him was Bokuto wearing his varsity jacket. He was shocked to see him here but he shouldn't be surprised at all. Why wouldn't he be at a party hosted by his fellow teammate.

"I came with a friend and I'm feeling a lot better, just a bit chilly so I sat here."  Akaashi smiled at him nervously. 

Bokuto chuckled removing his jacket and putting it over Akaashi. The small boys face flushed red. Luckily the night hid it pretty well. 

"If you ever need anything come to me okay? I'll come back in a few to check on you." Bokuto says ruffling Akaashi's hair. 

'Thank you' he mumbled. As he crossed his arm. 

"I know you saw that Kate," a girl said as she crossed her arms. She had just witness Bokuto give out his Varsity jacket like that. How ridiculous was that? Who even is he? Are they just friends? 

"Yea Sabrina. I'm guessing your not going to try to get Bokuto tonight huh?" Kate says looking at her friend who would not look away from the boy at the bon fire. 

"He's known as one of the schools best honor students, he's a well behaved student in general. Already got accepted to a few colleges and from what I know he's pretty well off financially. His mother has a pretty big check from working as a nurse. I see why Bokuto would have his eyes on him." Kate continues. 

"So he’s basically the perfect child no? We will see about that. Everyone has a deep secret no? I'll make sure to find his. I’m going to ruin his reputation." Sabrina took a sip from her drink as she walked away laughing.

Sabrina was a troubled child. Very spoiled since she was born and was the one who started all the rumors at the school. She had dirt on everyone using it to her advantage. And this was not going to be an exception. She was known to bring anyone Bokuto talked to down. To make him rethink about who he really was talking to.

#akaashi keiji #bokuaka #haikyuu!! #miya atsumu #sakuatsu #sakusa kiyoomi #haikyuu series

[littleprincessfawn]

tw. domestic violence

I'm shaking.

I just shut my controlling and somewhat abusive ex out of my house. He left and I closed the door. He doesn't have a key to get back in, thankfully. And I know this because he left his phone and came back and banged on the door. I got his phone, keeping door closed, gave it to him, then closed door again and got his backpack for him. Gave it to him and closed the door. He slammed the screen door several times as he left, making more loud scary noises, and I think he punched a wooden post.

Prior to this he yelled at my, our son.

I'll rewrite this in a bit because I've skipped things and told things out of order right now I need to help my son.

It was just like when he used to hit me, when he shoved my son to the ground, back when my son was 3.

But he's gone. He's gone now.

If he comes back and is aggressive again I'll call the police. Otherwise I'll just stay inside and firmly tell him to leave.

Edit: in my kids room with him, I pulled the door to but didn't shut it all the way. The door started to open and my son flinched and let out a scared sound, then saw our cat come in then let out a sigh of relief and said 'oh, Phoenix just came in,' and smiled. He felt SCARED that it might be his dad and RELIEF that it wasnt. Nope. Never this ever again.

2nd Edit: Trying to take a moment now to calm myself down and go over what happened.

My ex encouraged me to go to my room to sleep and rest. I did so. I asked him to please do something with our son, who was home from school today, preferably get him to write something like maybe a little diary entry about his Minecraft playing he's been doing. He agreed, and we'd discussed it earlier also. I lay down and maybe 4 minutes later my son wandered into my room, appearing distressed and lonely. I asked him what his dad was doing and he said he was playing computer games so don't bother him. I told him if he wanted to grab some paper and pen I could help him write a journal in with me. I was feeling internally frustrated as I was meant to be resting, but I wasn't annoyed at my son at all and nothing came across to him. He saw me opening my phone to text and got skittish and nervous and said again 'dont bother dad' (which in hindsight I'm guessing my son picked up on his dad's mood and came to me to get away from him) but I was thinking about the fact his dad said he would do something with him, preferably some writing but if not that maybe play a game together or something. I sent the message. I heard slamming from the computer room then my ex yelled "FOR FUCKS SAKE!! (CHILDNAME) GET IN HERE!!" In a very loud and super angry voice. My child yelped and ran to his room. I was stunned for a sec, I couldn't believe how aggressive he was being. My ex followed my child to his room and I sat up and listened in, as I heard my child telling his dad to please go away and my ex telling him (not yelling, but using very angry voice still) that he should come back and watch a show. I walked to my kids room deciding I would stop his dad from talking to him and make sure my kid had his space, and also getting ready to comfort my kid. My ex heard me and stormed past me. I said to him 'that's not okay, you can't talk to our son like that' and he pointed at my room and said 'get back in your room, now' and I felt like he was about to hit me, his eyes were so full of hatred. I was so confused because nothing bad even really had happened for him to be THAT angry. I tried to confirm with him what we talked about and said 'but we talked about you doing something with him...' he said 'yes I was going to, later. I told him he needed to do writing, and then he started getting upset, so then I told him we'd do it later.' then I said 'but you volunteered to do something with him because you said you wanted me to rest' and then he stormed out of the house. Apart from when I said 'you can't talk to our son like that' which I said in an angry tone, everything else I said very calmly, sometimes confused, because I was trying to prevent him from getting angrier, I was trying to be gentle. I was scared. I was scared of him. After he left the house I ran to the door and closed it because I didn't want his anger, his aggression, his threatening presence in my house and I wanted to protect my son. And myself.

Looking back I think my ex wanted me to go away, he immediately started playing Helldivers (which is a game he gets gamer rage over, smashing keyboards, swearing, rage quitting etc) and he probably started behaving aggressively which would have been what sent my son out of the room. I didn't know any of that at the time.

I probably could have handled it better. But he was slamming stuff around making loud breaking/hitting noises. He yelled at my son when my son didn't do anything wrong. He showed disrespect to my house and the peace of my home by slamming and punching parts of it. I was sent right back to 2016 which is probably when our marriage was the most abusive/scary, he wouldn't let me get out of bed and tried to separate me and my child and would call me a 'useless c*nt' and tell me to 'f*ck off and d*e' to my face in anger often around our child who was 3 or 4 and my son started getting anxiety that mummy was going to die soon once he even asked me 'mummy how long until you die?' because his dad kept wishing my death. There were times my son rushed at his dad and started hitting his legs trying to stop him from saying the things he was saying to me, from being so hateful and aggro. One of those occasions my ex shoved my child to the ground this is when he was 3, later he said he was trying to stop him from hitting him but he was 3 he couldn't be doing any damage and there's ways to restrain a 3 year old or hold them at arms length without knocking them over. When that happened I grabbed my kid and ran to the nursery and closed the door and sang to him until he stopped crying.

Today was JUST like that day, it felt the same.

Just minutes earlier my son said he feels scared and sad. He was stuttering as he said it. I told him that makes sense, it was scary, it was sad, what happened. He's messed up and so am I. My mind is reeling.

How do I keep it together? It's horrific, it's a feeling of horror, when these incidents with my ex happen. He worms his way in then tries to control and limit me. He gets into rages for no reason. I'm honestly so scared of him.

This is the text conversation. From it I see the whole incident would have been 5 or less minutes, it was very quick. Red is ex's name and green is child's name.

After an hour he wrote an apology. He's always very VERY polite in text. He comes across really nicely. He comes across as such a nice guy. By the way he has a record as a sex offender because in 2021 he put hidden cameras in the shower of his female housemate (his ex-girlfriend) and when I tried to talk to him about it he said he wouldn't have done it if he was still married to me, which made me take all the guilt and blame for that onto myself, that's the kind of swell nice guy he is.

I hate this I hate how vulnerable I am and how much I don't have a support network or resources.

Edit #3 - Shit... Just got an alert to my phone. Police incident at the great court which is my university which is right near me as in 5 minute drive from me. Probably unrelated but I'm not sure. Going to stay inside and keep everything locked up tight, argh I'm so scared I wish I had someone I could think to call but at the same time I don't want to put anyone else in danger but I'm sure it's all going to be fine I'm just over-reacting.

Maybe I should apologize to my ex.

I hate how scared I am right now I keep shaking, I reached out to my guy friend because he feels like 'safe' to me and now I'm embarrassed about it. I gotta toughen up. I've lived through this kinda stuff before I'll be fine. Just gotta get through tonight and look after my kid.

Edit #4

It's frustrating, reading this and knowing it doesn't show how scary it was. Anyone who reads this will think 'this is normal, he's just mad, he didn't actually hit you so what are you even complaining about?'. And I don't know how to express how pervasive his anger and control is in our lives. I don't know how to explain it in a way that makes sense to anyone on the outside looking it. A lot of people wouldn't consider this domestic violence and I feel guilty speaking up about it like it's bad when so many other women go through so much worse. I just know that I'm scared. Almost every day I am afraid of him, of what he will do to me, of what he is capable of doing to me.

If you look up coercive control that describes the situation I'm in better. I feel so ashamed and guilty and just absolutely pathetic.

I'm glad I don't have a boyfriend or girlfriend to drag into my shitty life messes. I want to keep away from people so they don't get impacted or affected. I just don't know how to make it stop.

And I'm thinking back about what I did and what I did to cause it like maybe I should have said things differently, what could I have done to prevent it. It's hard because he smiles and says he's fine so I think he's fine and then minutes later he will explode.

I can't explain how afraid of him I am. Of how I try to protect other women from him by making myself his target. It's messed up. But I can't explain it in a way anyone would care, I just sound like an insane woman, like I'm being unfair on him because he's such a nice, helpful, logical guy.

[nightcall99]

Notes from 17.3.24

HS is gone again. I feel very tired. Outside of my regular routine, I think I'm agoraphobic or something.

Why are we both having dreams to do with bathrooms?

Here's some life ranting:

The 3D guilt things are coming back again. AL is going overseas soon and she casually let it slide that her 4 birds are going to be left at home by themselves for 2.5 weeks and that her mum wants her to ask another one of our co-workers, TC, to look after them. But I'm closer to her than he is, and instead of asking me directly, she dropped a hint like this to guilt me into offering to look after them. I said what she wanted me to say but my heart clearly wasn't in it. I don't want to. I just don't. Maybe I might have been open to it if she asked me more directly and given me more time to mentally prepare for it but not like this. Not 5 days before you leave. (And even then, I still don't want to). She said she'll just leave a mound of food for them and set up a camera and if they die, they die. And then I said, give me the keys to your house, I'll look in on them every few days. You'll have to tell me what to do though. And she changed the subject. Like wtf? Am I an animal abuser if I don't insist insistently on looking after them? I can't deal with this anymore. Why do I make up these scenarios.

To be honest I'm kind of relieved that she's going away for a bit. She can be very exhausting. I never know if we're actually friends or if it's a keep-your-friends-close-and-your-enemies-closer type situation. Sometimes in my life I think that if you peer in close enough, it's actually like that with everyone. Is that just the nature of human relationships? Are you supposed to feel a little hatred every now and then from someone, and you to them? I've always felt this my whole life. Everything is so low-vibe. I'm low vibe. I can't help it.

I don't know what I'm doing. The other day TC tried to convince me to give him my money for him to invest. I don't know much about money but I know used-car salesman tactics when I see them. He said, Think of me as a bank. You get interest from the bank every month don't you? I said, No, I never mix friendship with money. I don't think that he expected me to say that. Firstly, I said, do not talk to me about this crap at 9am in the morning. He IGNORED, and kept going even though I AGAIN SAID, STOP, ask me later when the caffeine has kicked in. And then he was like, I know you're paranoid Kath, so we'll sign a statutory declaration so you can rest assured I won't run away with your money. ????? We both know stat decs are not legally binding. After, he kept going on about bitcoin and tried that angle, saying like you and me and put in money blah blah this could happen. STFU. He has started undermining me in other ways lately, too many to count, and somehow I'm still nice to him. I tell myself I'm doing it to survive. That it doesn't matter anyway. The big boss came in and he was bootlicking like you wouldn't believe. Being amongst the energy of it make me sick. Somehow we thought that striking others down in order to get ahead was fun. I hate this game.

I don't know what I'm doing. There's an 18 year old shop girl who I think is flirting with me, and I think I'm flirting back. Am I that bored? Is this legal? My intern continues to fart all over the place. I spray lavender spray here and there but he doesn't get the hint. I took him aside briefly today to tell him his voice is too loud and everyone and their mum can hear his conversation regarding very sensitive matters with the patient, and he was picking his nose the whole time. I can't. Is this real? Still though, I am starting to feel really bad about not being more attentive to his academic progression. I honestly just ignore him most of the time, outside of being polite. Well, barely that.

Everyday, nothing changes. My perspective on the world is like night and day, depending on the energy. But still, nothing changes.

[vikings-til-valhalla]

Hey, another random follower here I can't help with the situation at hand, it's horrible and taxing and i really hope things will be okay, besides possibly giving you some affirmation, however valuable a strangers affirmation can be. You're doing literally everything you can to help your loved ones and they're lucky to have you close. You've called the police for your friend and you've learned about your sister, your mom is safe (as far as I understand). I know those days or weeks where you can't shower and take care of yourself and THEN you get shit piled on you on top of that, and you're hella damn strong to keep going as you are. You can find a new job tomorrow, or the day after, when everything (hopefully) has calmed down just a bit. Is there a way to maybe have your sister stay at your place a bit? Helping with your mother might do good for both of you, giving her a bit of distraction and yourself a moment to rest. (and you would know she's alright) I'm wishing you best of luck, calling the police is scary and shit, but the right call in a situation like this. Saved one of my friends lives, too. Things have likely happened by now, and I don't know the outcome, but I hope he's alright. Things will be fine again. Somehow, they have to be. Can you drink a glass of water, please? (I don't mean this in a condescending way, just in case you haven't been drinking much today bc of everything that happened) You got your cat to take care of, and Elder Scrolls 6 has been announced (whenever we will get new news on it) There's always more things to look forwards to, no matter how horrible the situation. If you need someone to talk to, rant to, tell someone about your favorite Skyrim build and how broken it is or something of the like, feel free to write me whenever. Lots of love

Thank you, friend. Thank you more than what I can put into words right now.

Today is no better than yesterday. In fact, it's worse. I'm being forced to care for others at a time when I can't even care for myself. Everyone in my house is leaving to care for themselves, or isn't responding because they're too busy with themselves, and won't help me out at all. Every single second I spend not caring for someone else is time I'm spending being selfish and doing things wrong. My father, the shitass fuck he is who abuses me, he accused me of ignoring my mom in favor of my friend whose life was on the line. Mom has others who can help, they can come home and care for her, she isn't going to die. My friend though?? I'm not sure if he's even alive right now. And when I went to take a shower, I was needed to care for mom because I had to get mom some supplies, and sis was probably high again and couldn't do it herself. When I got back I tried to shower again, and sis said she was going out for an hour so I couldn't. THEN!!!! I got another text from sis!!!! She had to go to an appointment and guess who was left to watch mom???!!!! Mom finally said to take a shower, so I did. I've got pants on. I don't have anything else to wear because I have no chance or energy to do laundry today. My brothers are not answering anyone as they never pick up their phones for the house, but rather just for friends. I'm so stretched thin and all I can do is hold out hope that therapy does something for me tomorrow when I have my scheduled appointment. And, that I can pay for the appointment at all for that matter. A friend came back to town and said I can stay with her if I need, but I know that, if I do, my father will spam me with angry and guilting phone calls and texts, then sis will as well because they're one in the same, until I come home. And if sis finds out I was fired because of her, she'll lose it. If father finds out, he'll cut off all my outside contact on all my devices and I'll be helpless with no way to get help, until I land another job. And I'll never stop hearing him tell me it's my fault I lost my job, even though it isn't. I'm tired... So tired... But nobody will let me sleep. Not even for a few minutes. And if they do allow me by some chance, then somebody else is suddenly in danger and I have to stay up to help them. When it's not one it's the other, when it's not this it's that. There is no winning. And I am just tired of it. Life isn't about winning, it's about compromise and finding a balance. But the scales are tipped to one side entirely and leaving me hanging with no possible way to rebalance them.

[writerrando]

Rabbit

This is a short horror I wrote not so long ago, I shared it on facebook, noone really cared and thought I was maybe a bit too creepy.

Ok so this is gonna sound weird..  Who am I kidding, it is fucking ubiquitously brain charred insane. I... bought a rabbit, and everything seemed fine, until... it escaped. Now, there is only couple things that could happen to a normal critter running loose in a flat. I, unfortunatelly for it, valued my computer and other electronics in my apartment. So I went out for some rat poison and when I came back, couple cabels were chewed down. I was pissed, but fortunatelly, I thought of it and bought new ones on my way in and I had some spare... Anyways, to get to the core, as I went along some of the chewed cabels... I heard a sound under an armchair. I flipped it over and there it was, but... not in a way I was expecting it to be. It was alive, happilly chewing and washing its weirdly cute nose and I just couldn't believe my eyes. It, changed, for a while I thought this might not be my rabbit because it was looking out of... place. In an anatomic way. Not wanting to do anything with it, I put it in cage and just closed it. Not really thinking about it for a few days, I forgot, couple times, that I have this monster in here. But the fourth day, I come on home after work, look at the cage ( you need to understand, I am used to getting up early and with that comes low amount of realising what is going on.) And there it was, chewing on its own fucking paw right next to ton of food I left there acumulating for four days now. I also noticed bloody and bent wires of the cage. That bastard almost got out. Ok, now I have a carnivorous weirdly looking rabbit. Is it rabies? It had to happen during the time I was out. I need to kill it. But I will get charged for abusing an animal, but what if it will get out? Man I need someone else to get a hand on this. I thought about this all as I poured myself some(moore) whiskey. And...I woke up in the morning. Ya I fucked up, it was out of its cage and I dont know where it went but let me tell you, I am not going back there. I just can't, I mean you havent seen the paw, it was... done. Chewed down to the bone, and it still got away like nothing. Either that or something else came for it. I just need to feel safe, somewhere. Just as I thought, it wasnt a good idea going to a police station with this. But anything is better I guess.... Ok, first day at the facility. I am today meeting Dr.Shaw Nice to meet you You too, please take a seat. I sat down in one of the leather futons( I must say, very less comfortable, than expected) and got to tell her every little detail. When I was leaving, she tore a piece of paper with some scribblings. Handed it to me and I went away with prescription for pills against hallucinations. And also, my family was sent to my flat to take care of the "poor" rabbit.

Claire

"Diane, hey, yeah, I am in Jonah's flat since there's supposed to be some animal running around and I am to care of it. Meet me in 15 on the corner of the street? Ya, ok goodbye." Diane looked all over the flat and there was everything which could account for a weird tale of terror. Blood on the floor, bent wires of cage? What the hell happened in there, was jonah doing some experiments with this thing? Or worse? Where is it? She heard a thump as some dust and ash fell on her head, ahe looked up and, having weird feelings she covered her face. What she saw was not even remotelly possible, yet the creature stood out in the blackness of a vent where it escaped to. It had red blare of eyes, and... somehow it was.. smiling? No that is not possible. "What in the fucking hell did you do, Jonah?!"She whispered squirming as she ran leaving the flat door open. Tomorrow morning, two passerbyes will find her in a sewer, dumped by a company, which took testing on animals too far. Who made the mistake of not perfecting the security system before letting people work there, who got breached by animal rescuers...and those rescuers... gave animals away...

#horror