#i am my own bull in my own china shop

[neverendingford]

.

#tag talk #thinking about how I'm too loud too rough too much for so many people #there was a neighborhood yard that all the kids would go to jump on the trampoline and wrestle and I would accidentally hurt other kids #I was too unaware and too unrestrained and weirdly enough I kept on accidentally sinking my teeth into others (genuinely accident no lie) #and. idk. a lot of the scars on my body were deliberate but a lot were accidental. my hands and fingers are covered in slices #bigger ones from the hand saw. smaller ones from my knives. a permanent dent in my calf from a biking accident #I feel like I've always been just a little too much for people and I feel like some kind of animal that was never meant to be kept inside. #I'm sorry for biting too hard I was not created to be friends with something so delicate as you. #do I tag this as therian? I don't think so but now that I've typed it someone will find it in three months like they do with my tag talks. #I feel too much for even my own body. my skin too delicate for my own actions. #my dick is covered in scars where I've just ripped the skin from too much yanking. the joke is death grip but I'm two steps past that. #this is relevant because I accidentally made my gf sore af the other night because I used my strong hand not my dexterous hand #like.. sorry I hurt you I wasn't careful enough I didn't remember to turn myself down to sixty percent #I forget to turn my volume down I'll hurt you. I forget to turn my power down I'll crush you. I forget to turn my speed down I'll hit you. #spirit made for a stronger body. energy made for a larger society. hands made for tougher people. heart made for stronger friends. #I get too energetic and have to spread myself out to multiple people I mention this and they say “why don't I ever get to see you like that? #you get to see part of me. you think you see the entire god but you only see the finger reaching out to touch you. #I show too much and you burn. your face glows with the afteraffect of my radiance. #I open my mouth to breathe freely and you char from the flames I let out. I kiss you and your cheek singes from my heat. #how do I live in a world full of fine china shops when I am a bull? #a traveler washed up on the shore of a land full of people with chairs too tiny for me to sit on.

[fafnir19]

A new perspective

Dan walked into the employment office, shoulders slumped and a heavy weight of dejection hanging over him. A middle-aged clerk looked up from her desk, her disinterested expression morphing into a frown of recognition. "Are you here again?" she asked, her voice tinged with irritation. Dan sighed "Yeah, I am. Another job down the drain." "What didn't go right this time?" The clerk's tone was more resigned than curious. "It's always something," Dan muttered, feeling the unfairness of it all weighing down on him. The clerk pursed her lips, her expression a mix of resignation and pity. "Maybe it's time to consider coaching," she suggested, offering Dan a sympathetic smile. "You're lucky, though. Adrian usually advises CEOs, but he's offering his services to the unemployed now." Coaching? Dan had never considered it, but he figured it couldn't hurt at this point. "Sure, sign me up for whatever you think might help," he replied, trying to muster a hint of optimism.

A few days later, Dan found himself standing outside an elegant apartment building in the heart of the city. He checked the address on the slip of paper in his hand, making sure he was in the right place. This was where the coaching sessions were supposed to take place. As he stepped into the building's opulent lobby, he couldn't help but feel out of place in his worn jeans and faded hoody. But Dan squared his shoulders and climbed the stairs to the top floor. This was an opportunity for a fresh start, and he was determined not to let it slip through his fingers.

The door to Adrian's apartment was opened by a man who exuded an effortless charm and confidence that instantly made Dan feel self-conscious about his rumpled appearance. "Welcome, Dan. I'm Adrian," the man said, his warm smile putting Dan at ease.

"Dan, I'm so sorry to keep you waiting," Adrian added, his voice smooth as silk. "I've had to handle everything myself since my assistant left. Come in, come in." Dan followed Adrian into the elegant apartment that doubled as the coach's practice. The pristine white walls and tasteful artwork spoke of refinement and success, and Dan couldn't help but feel like a bull in a china shop as he hesitantly took a seat in the impeccably furnished living room. As Adrian settled into a chair opposite him, a friendly smile on his lips, Dan couldn't help but feel a surge of discomfort. The man exuded a polished charisma that made Dan acutely aware of his own scruffy appearance and lack of confidence.

Adrian leaned forward, his piercing gaze fixed on Dan. "So, tell me about your previous job. What went wrong there?" Dan shifted nervously in his seat, his eyes flicking to the intricate pattern of the rug beneath his feet, expecting a lecture or, worse, pity. "You see," he began, "my work's always been top-notch, but my bosses just never seemed to appreciate it." To his surprise, Adrian listened intently, nodding sympathetically. "Dan, it's clear that you're a top-tier employee. It's just that your potential is overshadowed by something else," he remarked, eyes glinting thoughtfully. "Wait, what? You actually think I'm not the problem?" Dan's eyes widened, disbelief coloring his tone. Adrian leaned back, exuding an air of wisdom. "It's not you, Dan. It's how others perceive you. Your appearance might be sending the wrong signals," he explained, tapping a finger against his chin. Dan's heart fluttered with hope. Finally, someone understood! "So, what do I need to change?" he asked eagerly, leaning in.

A soft chiming interrupted their conversation, and Adrian's eyes flicked to his phone on the coffee table. "I'm so sorry, Dan. I need to take this." He rose from his seat, all charm and confidence as he answered the call. Alone in the luxurious apartment, Dan couldn't help but marvel at the stark contrast between his own life and the world Adrian inhabited. He longed to break free from the cycle of dead-end jobs and unfulfilled potential, but the gulf between where he was and where he wanted to be seemed insurmountable.

Dan sat in the elegant chair, feeling a mix of anticipation and uncertainty as Adrian circled around him, eyeing Dan’s rebellious mane with a critical gaze. Adrian leaned in closer, his fingers grazing Dan’s scalp.

"Let's start with your hair," Adrian suggested. "That long, unkempt style might be a bit off-putting." Dan ran a hand through his hair, a touch of defiance in his eyes. "I'm proud of my rebellious hair, but okay. Let's try it." Adrian's fingers moved with a strange yet gentle pressure, and suddenly Dan felt a strange sensation, like a cool breeze across his head. Sitting up straight, Dan touched his head, feeling a neatly trimmed fade-cut with shaved sides.

"How did you… What just happened?" Dan sputtered, utterly bewildered. Adrian's grin grew wider. “Just a little magic,” he said, winking at Dan. “I used to work as a magician.” Dan, dumbfounded yet impressed, let out a chuckle. "Can you make my bank account disappear too?" "I might just have a trick or two up my sleeve for that," Adrian teased, his eyes gleaming.

Adrian stepped back to fully appreciate Dan's figure. “You seem a bit skinny, Dan. It might give off the impression of being sickly. People tend to avoid sickly individuals as nature's protective mechanism. How about we work on that and give you some muscle?" Dan laughed "I've tried that before. Didn't really work out for me." "Leave it to me," Adrian declared with a wink, a mischievous glint in his eye. Without another word, Adrian's fingers traced an invisible line in the air, and suddenly, Dan's frame transformed Dan blinked in surprise as tingling sensations ran through his body, and suddenly his form seemed more defined, muscles sculpted in all the right places. "Look at you," Adrian praised, a hint of pride in his tone. "That's the spirit, Dan. A little magic goes a long way." The fabric of Dan's previously baggy clothes now clung snugly to his toned physique, accentuating his newfound athleticism.

"I feel… different," Dan stammered, sensing a surge of confidence coursing through him. "You are not alone, Dan. You just have to get help,” Adrian encouraged, his voice carrying a note of assurance. “Do you trust me?” Dan nodded eagerly, his eyes shining with a newfound trust in Adrian's unconventional methods. "Great. Now, let's address your attire. Your current style might not be doing you any favors," Adrian observed, taking in Dan's outfit. "My clothes? What’s wrong with them?" Dan asked, looking down at himself. "They're a bit too casual. Let's upgrade your look and see how it changes things," Adrian suggested, pulling out a pair of tight silk pants and a fitted silk shirt. "Uh, this is a bit much, don't you think?" Dan hesitated, eyeing the clothing warily. Adrian smiled. "Trust me, Dan. It may not seem conventional, but it has its perks. It commands attention and presence. You’ll see," he assured Dan. After changing into the new outfit, Dan felt a bit exposed. "I don't even have underwear on with this," he mentioned, adjusting the unfamiliar clothing. "It's all part of the look. Trust me," Adrian reiterated, his tone unwavering. "Alright, if you say so," Dan said, trying to get used to the unfamiliar sensation.

Before Dan could voice any further protest, Adrian had already moved onto the next phase of his master plan. "Now, Dan, let's work on your attitude," he said, his voice low and commanding. "My attitude?" Dan asked, a note of uncertainty tugging at the edge of his words. "Yes, your perspective, your demeanor," Adrian replied, his tone firm. "Sometimes, a change in posture can yield a change in perspective. Kneel before me, Dan." Hesitant but willing to play along, Dan lowered himself to the floor, gazing up at Adrian with a mix of curiosity and obedience.

"Now, isn't this a far more comfortable position?" Adrian asked, an air of authority lingering in his voice. Dan couldn't help but agree, feeling an odd sense of ease as he knelt before Adrian. "It... it is, actually." "You see, Dan," Adrian said, his eyes holding a mesmerizing intensity, "your doubts were unfounded. Trust in me, and I shall guide you to your true potential." Dan pondered Adrian's words, finding a strange sense of reassurance in them. "You're right, Adrian. I shouldn't have doubted." With each passing moment, Dan found himself falling deeper under Adrian's enigmatic spell, his very being seemingly attuned to every word and command Adrian imparted. Adrian's piercing gaze held Dan in place, the sense of power and control in his eyes making Dan shiver with a strange blend of excitement and apprehension. "Relax, Dan," Adrian purred, his voice smooth and persuasive. "You're doing so well. Trust me on this. You're on the right path now."

"Now, let's try something else," Adrian suggested, his eyes twinkling with mischief. "Kneel with both feet on the floor. It'll be more relaxing for you." Dan complied, shifting his position as Adrian had instructed, feeling an odd sense of ease washing over him.

Adrian's smile widened, his eyes gleaming with satisfaction. "You look good down there, Dan," he praised, his voice smooth as velvet. Dan's cheeks flushed at the unexpected compliment, a warmth spreading through his body. "Now, Dan, I want you to spread your legs and pull down your pants," Adrian instructed, his tone authoritative yet strangely alluring. Dan hesitated for a moment, a flicker of uncertainty crossing his features. "Uh, I'm not sure about this," Dan murmured, his hesitance evident in his voice. But before he could vocalize his doubts further, Adrian's persuasive words echoed in his ears. "You've come so far, Dan. Don't stop now. Trust me," Adrian's voice coaxed, wrapping around Dan's thoughts like a seductive melody. Dan swallowed hard, his heart racing as he complied with Adrian's request.

It was as if Dan's body was moving of its own accord, his hands gripping the waistband of his pants and obediently lowering them to reveal himself to Adrian. As Adrian took advantage of the vulnerable position, Dan's body became a whirlwind of conflicting sensations. A surge of warmth and pleasure ignited within him, and he couldn't deny the undeniable ecstasy coursing through his veins. "This is so wrong," Dan gasped, his voice strained with conflicting desires. "But it feels so right, doesn't it?" Adrian's words were like a caress, lulling Dan into a state of surrender. Dan's thoughts were a jumble of confusion and arousal, his body betraying his mind's protests. "You belong to me now, Dan," Adrian asserted, his tone laced with command. "You're mine to mold and guide." With each electrifying touch, Dan found himself slipping further into a state of blissful submission. "Yes, sir," Dan murmured, a newfound sense of purpose blooming within him. "I want this." The air crackled with tension as Dan relinquished himself to the overwhelming sensations engulfing him and made him finally cum.

"You are free now, my dear Dan," Adrian's voice caressed him like a tender embrace. "Embrace your true self." "But what about my job, my future?" Dan's voice wavered with uncertainty. "You have a new path now, one that fits you perfectly," Adrian assured, his gaze unwavering. Dan's breaths came in shallow gasps, and yet, a strange sense of liberation burgeoned within him. "You've always longed for guidance and structure, haven't you, Dan?" Adrian's words resonated within him, striking a chord deep within his being. "I never realized," Dan breathed, his eyes glistening with newfound clarity. "Now you have found your purpose," Adrian declared, his gaze piercing through Dan's uncertainties. "You will be my assistant, Dan. You will serve me and obey my every command. You will make coffee, answer the door and obey everything else I order you to do," Adrian declared, his words ringing in the air with an undeniable authority.

Dan felt a surge of determination welling up within him, an unshakeable resolve to fulfill Adrian's every wish. It was a curious sensation, one that filled him with a strange sense of fulfillment. "Yes, sir," Dan replied, his voice tinged with a fierce determination that surprised even himself. "I will serve you. I am yours to command." And as the aftershocks of pleasure subsided, Adrian's voice sliced through the lingering silence.  Adrian quickly called the employment office and his voice pierced through the haze of pleasure. "I've solved the problem," he declared, an air of satisfaction in his tone. "He's so receptive now, that he unhesitatingly embraced his newfound submissive and gay identity. I've brought him on as my devoted assistant - you can remove him from your list." Dan blinked in disbelief, his mind struggling to comprehend the whirlwind of events that had just unfolded. Did he truly agree to everything? Was this newfound revelation his reality now? In the midst of his bewilderment, Dan glanced up at Adrian, who wore a knowing smirk that set his heart aflutter. In that moment, Dan realized the truth - Adrian had molded him into something new, something he never knew he desired. Adrian's smile was triumphant as he gazed down at Dan, his voice filled with authority, "Now, go make us some coffee, and remember, you live to serve me, and only me." Dan nodded, "At your command, sir. I exist to fulfill your wishes." With a snap of Adrian's fingers, Dan rose from his kneeling position and went to prepare the coffee, his mind filled with nothing but unwavering obedience.

#male tf #male transformation #personality change #straight to gay #servant #musclegrowth

[lily-orchard-gossip-blog]

Finally got past the edgy title, and it turns out it was a tabloid news article?

What did she do for them to think she was blood bending kids to safety? She seems dismissive over the whole thing.

...

Okay, ew!

She really hits you in the face with the incest right out of the gate.

Like, if you didn't know these two were sisters, you would legit think they were dating.

(Urban dictionary definition for people like me:

)

I'm going to be honest, while siblings do occasionally lie on each other, it's usually because someone took up space on the couch, and they refuse to move so you sit on them.

And then someone farts, and it's a whole new battle of wills.

MOST siblings don't just ask for a cuddle just because you can.

(Maybe I'm biased, but that's how all the siblings I know behave.)

Sweet christ!

Can you imagine if you were reading this and didn't know they were sisters until right then? It literally hits you like a truck.

SISTER'S. ALL TO HERSELF. FIFTEEN YEARS.

A bear doing the tango with a bull in a china shop would be more subtle than this!!!!

I wonder if it gets worst?

Alright, so it does, and I should just accept that this is the author's fetish.

I am now going to pretend that they are not "sister's" and that the word is being used in a 'Hey Bestie' way for my own sanity.

Okay, more flirting between these two totally not related people, and then the Avatar states that she wants her girlfr- I mean "sister" to share her statue.

You know, totally normal stuff to want with a sibling.

Alright, so they just promised to see each other again. Totally normal, non-romantic stuff to promise each other while cuddling on a couch talking about sharing a joint statue.

Yup. Not weird at all. (I am dying, please send help.)

Time skip a 130 years, we get a new avatar looking at the statues, Another woman. Just, pointing that out there.

And Niva got her way. Now her and her sister will be remembered as a pair forever. Yay?

...

Okay, but what was the deal with the child blood bending?

Like, we're told it's just slander, but what did Niva do to give the impression she was BLOOD BENDING CHILDREN?

Does she do that a lot? Like, is she bloodbending so regularly that everyone figures that everything she does is just bloodbending?

Because if she did use bloodbending to save kids, then the kids would be dead. Because all of their blood would smash into their organs, causing horrible internal damage.

Also, bloodbending can only be used on a full moon, and...

Okay, I'm overthinking this clearly throw away line that doesn't mean anything, and is just an excuse to imply how "cool" and "edgy" the avatar is, while also giving her the "misunderstood" label.

The fic really is just an excuse for meaningless flirting, and if the two weren't RELATED BY BLOOD, it would just read as a typical, slice of life, cutesy couple interaction.

Honestly, Its biggest sin (if you try really, really hard to pretend the obvious incest doesn't exist), is just being...okay? It's a bit boring, and requires you to actually...care about two rather bland people that we know nothing about and their relationship.

This short fic honestly doesn't make me want to know more about these two, and it makes me wildly uncomfortable.

#lily orchard #avatar niva #forever vignette #story review #god help us #tw incest

[maleficentmrsofallevil]

In a hole; still digging

Something I didn't mention in two prior posts about Luts: as I've said (ad nauseum), I've been a BJD collector for a few years now. With BJD collecting, there's a lot of - let's call it opaqueness. Den of Angels used to be the foremost authority on all things BJD, and honestly, while there have been tons of theories as to why the forum has lost popularity, I would point to one major factor: when image hosting stopped being free on Photobucket. Seems like as soon as Photobucket ended that particular perk, folks moved to free spaces like Instagram.

But I digress. The point is - this is a seriously niche hobby, and information is thin on the ground. Sometimes, you have to take clues from patterns you see, and after collecting for a few years, I've learned to view deviations from those patterns with a bit of suspicion.

For example: when a company only shows pictures of a doll's face fully painted (no blank photos), and the face is always pointed downwards, I will no longer buy. I need to see front and side/profile pictures of the blank sculpt. Otherwise, I'll get a head with a jarring feature (usually a poorly sculpted nose) that I do NOT like.

If the doll is always dressed, or posed with fancy fabric or props that conceal the joints (especially the knees), I will no longer buy. Chances are decent I'm going to get a doll that doesn't pose well.

Another pattern I've noticed is that the big, established companies tend to sell only their own dolls, and no one else's. Some examples:

Fairyland

Iplehouse:

Dreaming Doll:

There are two reasons I never ordered a doll directly from Luts. 1) There wasn't a sculpt that I just had to have, and damn the consequences (i.e., price).

2) I hesitated because...:

Luts has a "Brand Doll" tab that looks like a doll dealer tab. That's a LOT of brands that aren't Luts. I've seen doll dealers that carry fewer brands.

One of the things I've been told repeatedly is that doll companies are more like studios or machine shops. You are dealing directly with the people who make the dolls. Frequently, it's a 3-4 person operation. They tend to be a little rougher around the edges, and there isn't a dedicated customer service department. (Which is why folks who need customer service should order from dealers.)

So... how does Luts have time to be a dealer for all these other doll companies, and make their own dolls?

Even though I am almost certainly hated by Luts doll collectors, I would like to assert AGAIN that Luts makes gorgeous dolls. I just disagree with how the newer bodies are engineered. Considering the numerous other brands Luts offers for sale on their website? I don't think I'm alone.

Others are likely afraid to say anything bad (small hobby - word travels fast - people get pissed). I OTOH am a cranky old broad who has no issue throwing my big bull ass around the BJD china shop.

ONE HUGE EXCEPTION: VOLKS

Volks is the OG of BJDs. Volks is the GOAT of BJDs. Volks invented BJDs. Volks started life as a hobby company, and BJDs were incorporated into the business. If you're brand spanking new to the hobby and willing to drop a grand or two on a new doll, Volks offers the BEST new collector experience. My first Volks purchase was a dress, and I was stunned by the thought and care that went into the construction. I watched someone unbox a new doll from Volks, and when I then saw a used, complete SD one-off doll on Mandarake for under $600, I snapped it up. It was from 2009 and worth every penny of what I paid.

I completely understand why some people are loyal to and buy from Volks only. Buying a new Volks doll is like buying a new luxury car. Other companies... well, they're a bit more like DIY kit cars sometimes. Which I like! But I don't recommend for new collectors.

I don't shill for Volks because of the price. That's a lot of cheddar to expect from someone who knows nothing about these dolls.

#bjd #luts bjd #if you're in a hole #stop digging #too late!

[jedineedlove]

Spider Queen?!!

I've been rewatching LMK again for more research and I noticed something odd. It started in Season 1 in Noodles or Death.

These are some of the major issues I have with Spider Queen's Story we see in other episodes she debuted, especially in Revenge of the Spider Queen we have lines like.....

"Monkey King tore me from my throne and took everything I owned." She said to LBD in her host form.

"would be queen of spiders." From Bull King as he was tied up mocking her.

"after all I've won and lost and won again." She says as she threatens MK

In other episodes like 72 Transformations

"I was meant to rule, I would have been a good queen," she says more to herself than to MK

These lines all together tell me a story. I am not claiming at all that this is at all true. I am just saying it like I see it.

Her empire in the east doesn't necessarily mean this was her only empire. This could have been a part 2 of her empire of the west. After a defeat from Wukong, she tried to restart in the east. After a probably short rule was defeated again and those or the ruins of that empire.

The story doesn't end there with Bull King's comment of her being a would-be spider queen and her reaction to Wukong calling her princess. The fact that he uses the title princess to get under her skin says something like she wants the queen title but may have been only able to reach the princess statues. Says that perhaps officially she is not THE Spider Queen. In the JTTW she had sisters. Imagen will you, that after living with sisters and one or two of them being seen as more spider queen and you are only being seen as a spider princess. You want more power so you try to prove yourself as the rightful spider queen but as you are in the prime and are at the tip of the world your plans are foiled by the Monkey King. You are dethroned and shamed No longer able to raise your head high you look for a new start to prove others wrong that you can be a "good queen." So you travel far to the east where you hope no one has heard of your defeat. You find a wonderful spot by the coast to set up shop you enact your plane and after reviving your title as Spider Queen you are once again trampled and this time everything you worked for is plummeted into a sinkhole and then buried.

Now the one thing is the time frame of all this as seen in slide one we see modern people and in her lair in slide 2, there is modern or at least sub-modern piping in her lair. With all the webs it has not been touched in ages though and there are parts of modern above-ground plumbing down there like it was above ground when her empire went down as well as during their fight in Noodle or Death the crew fall deeper then Spider Queen's lair into more sewers that lead to the ocean.

That goes into part two of the theory. That her second rain and second defeat happened years ago just not in ancient China ago we see one man in a t-shirt and paint and one person had brown hair not black. That none of them had old hairstyles like we have seen before like in the pilot a hero is born. So the jab at Spider Queen from Bull King was about her first fall not her second because he would have been buried by then and it also means that her second defeat was not by Wukong but by someone else cause one again in A Hero is Born Wukong had not been seen since Bull King was sealed 500 years prior. You must be wondering who could have stopped her well here is a wild card just a major theory what about one of the dragon clan members one of Mei's ancestors not as ancient as Ao Lie or the dragon of the wasn't but her entire family even without the dragon blade have dragon powers that could have defeated her in a more modern aera.

That's that theory please leave your thoughts in the replies. Also, just as a side thought not a real theory, might make one later. LBD coffin and seal were found under the foundry under Megapolis like Spider Queen why was this Journey of the West character defeated state found in the far east. Perhaps after a smaller defeat in the west she came back for revenge and hunted him and the monk after the Journey to the homes both in the east and was stopped by them then. She was then buried and forgotten.

Please leave comments and your thought I would love to hear them. My brain hurts from all this. :)

#lego monkie kid #jttw #sun wukong #spider queen #lady bone demon #fan thoughts #lego monkey kid theory #lmk #lmk lbd #lmk dbk #lmk time line #lmk jttw

[aiobhlin]

Witness

When Karen’s safety is threatened after she’s witness to an almost unspeakable crime, she sees Witness Protection as her only hope. Frank Castle has other ideas about how to keep her safe.

Set in a world where I didn’t rewatch any of the shows before writing it, and I just never watched Daredevil 3 or Punisher 2, so there’s lots of canon inconsistencies. Take a deep breath, buckle in, and just ride it out. We’re gonna have a good time.

This is a (mostly) finished work that I will post in semi-regular installments for my sanity and to make sure I have everything all buttoned up. I hope to have the whole thing posted before November 2023.

Credit to @garglyswoof for the magnificent, thorough, thoughtful, and supportive beta. I truly couldn't have done this without you.

For this first chapter, The Evidence, Karen goes undercover to get a story for the Bulletin and ends up seeing more than she anticipated.

“Are you going to approve my leave?” Karen kept her face neutral, and met his eyes straight on. It was a challenge, and he rose to it, holding her gaze with a challenge of his own.

“No.” He turned away.

“No? Ellison!”

“I said no, Karen. The last reporter I had who went deep on a Fisk story died. Do you remember him? His name was Ben Urich. He left the paper…”

“You fired him…”

“…chased after the story, and ended up dead.”

“I am not going to end up dead,” Karen started to protest, but Ellison waved a hand in her face and cut her off.

“Look, Ben was careful, okay? He took things slowly, asked questions discreetly. You’re like a bull in a china shop.” Karen looked like he had punched her in the gut, and Ellison mentally patted himself on the back for bringing Ben into it. “One thing I admired about Ben, and that I admire about you, is how devoted you are, how driven to report the truth. But there’s a difference between taking a chance on reporting corporate embezzlement and putting your life on the line by looking into whatever Vanessa Fisk is doing.”

“I’m hardly going to be putting my life on the line!” Karen recovered and rolled her eyes, her task of sorting files long forgotten.

“Going after anything regarding the Fisks is putting your life on the line, don’t you see? Ben was murdered for what he was trying to expose.”

“Yeah, and Fisk’s now in prison because of that.”

“I don’t want you to get killed, Karen.”

#kastle #kastle fanfiction #kastle ff #OTP: I will come for you #fuck me up Frank Castle #I am kastle trash #frank and karen #frank castle #karen page #Punisher ff

[totowlff]

chapter thirty-two — empty apologies

➝ some wounds are too deep for simple dressings.

➝ word count: 3,9k

➝ warnings: none

DECEMBER, 2016

The elevator in Niki and Marlene's building was more full than it usually was when Elisabeth came to visit. This time, she had Toto, Rosi, and Ben in tow. The kids were talking animatedly, something about how they were looking forward to their upcoming ski trip with their mother after the holidays were over. Elisabeth was leaning against Toto, both of them with bags in their hands, stuffed with gifts and a few bottles of wine.

She couldn't help but feel something strange inside her chest. There had been many times that she had come to Niki and Marlene’s by herself, riding up the small elevator in silence.

However, since the first time she and Toto kissed, going to her parents' house felt like letting a bull loose in a China shop. She felt like a bull, clumsy and thrashing, waiting for everything to come crashing down around her. All of the Christmas and birthday dinners she’d been to since then turned into tests of composure, especially if the subject turned to the man she loved. Discretion was the rule and she dared not break it.

However, her game of hide and seek was over. Their relationship had become public. Of course, the first few months were tricky with having to deal with the press all over them. With time, Toto's support, and sessions with Alma, her therapist, Elisabeth began to feel less uncomfortable with the comments and attention she’d received. 

Proof of this was an interview that Niki and Elisabeth did with Sky Sports. After Ted Kravitz had asked about several topics, Toto’s name came up in conversation, which made Elisabeth’s stomach churn from nerves.

— That the partnership of the three of you led Mercedes to success is no secret. But, one question I can't help but ask the two of you is whether  or not the dynamic between you has changed after… well, two-thirds of this trio decided to take a step forward in their relationship.

— The question is for you, Elisabeth — her father murmured, making her laugh.

— Okay, sure. I don’t think the dynamic has changed much. There is still room for disagreement and debate between the three of us, and, in the end, I am at Mercedes representing my father's interests, not necessarily Toto’s interests or even my own. We still try to keep things respectful and to keep an open dialogue between all parties. 

— The difference is that you have more ways of dialoguing with Toto than I do, don't you? — Niki said with a smirk, making Ted laugh. Elisabeth felt her cheeks heat up as a shy smile appeared on her face.

— Can you confirm, Elisabeth?

— I don’t mix business with pleasure, Ted. In matters of business, I only use my words.

— If they're the same as your mother's, poor him.

The memory made her look up at Toto, standing beside her. He seemed lost in his own thoughts, his brown eyes not really focused on anything. Then, he looked down at her.

— Is everything okay? — Toto whispered.

— Everything is perfect — she replied, smiling. Toto kissed her on the forehead.

The elevator door slid open a few seconds later, and the four of them stepped out into the hallway in front of her parents' apartment. After ringing the bell and waiting a few minutes, the door opened. Marlene and Lenny greeted them, accompanied by Shivas and Felix at their heels.

— Tante! — Lenny shouted, running past Marlene towards Elisabeth, hugging her legs tightly. Behind him came the dogs, barking loudly and wagging their tails, walking around everyone at the apartment door, sniffing them.

Elisabeth handed the bag she was holding to Ben and bent to pick her nephew up, hugging him and kissing his cheek tenderly.

— Mausi! How I missed you! — Elisabeth said.

— I missed you more — he replied, tightening his little arms around her neck. And she didn't doubt that statement, considering her presence had always been big in Lenny's life. She was his only aunt, as Claire had no sisters, and was one of the people he had the most contact with. Not seeing him for months on end was heartbreaking for Elisabeth and she couldn't imagine what it had been like for him.

— I doubt it — she said, kissing his hair. “Jesus, he's getting heavy”, Elisabeth thought, as she patted him twice on the back, signaling that she was going to put him back on the ground — Have you said hi to your Onkel yet?

Then, the boy seemed to notice Toto's presence, a wide smile taking over his little face.

— Hi, Onkel Toto — he said, throwing himself at the legs of the team principal, who asked Elisabeth for help with the bags she was holding to pick Lenny up.

— Good evening, young man, how are you?

— I'm fine. I'm helping Oma in the kitchen.

— You and Eli, right? — Marlene said, running a hand through the boy's blond curls.

— Eli's in the kitchen too, but he's too little to help — Lenny said, making everyone there laugh — He’s just eating the raspberries mommy crushed for him and he's still making a mess.

— And you don't make a mess, Mausi?

— No, Tante, I'm a very good cook, aren't I, Oma?

— The best cook in the family — Marlene answered her grandson, smiling, as Toto ran a hand through the boy's light hair. Then his eyes found the two teenagers who were there, distracted by the family dogs.

— Who are they? — Lenny asked, pointing at the two of them.

— Ah — Elisabeth smiled — They are Benedict and Rosi, Onkel Toto's children. Ben, Rosi, this is Lennon, my oldest nephew.

The two smiled, waving at the boy. He stared at them with his pale eyes before shyly waving back. Their first meeting was not what she had imagined, but it was still fantastic for Elisabeth to see the two spheres of her life finally together, interacting.

— Well, I guess we can go in, can't we? — Marlene said, while Toto put Lennon on the ground — Nobody wants to be cold out here and by the fireplace it's very cozy, isn't it, Lenny?

— Yes, Oma! Come in, Tante! — the little boy said, tugging on Elisabeth's coat. It was up to her to laugh and give in to her nephew's requests.

After everyone came in from the entryway, leaving their shoes and coats behind, they headed to the living room, where Lukas, Niki and Mathias were. Shivas and Felix had already trotted in to take their places back in front of the fireplace. Lenny came skipping along with Elisabeth at his heels, shouting to everyone that his aunt had arrived.

As Niki and Lukas immediately got up to hug her, she noticed that Mathias hesitated for a few seconds, as if thinking of the best way to greet her. In the end, as she approached him, her brother merely held out his hand for her to shake.

— Good evening, Elisabeth — he said, his voice oddly formal.

— Good evening — she replied. She didn’t have long to feel awkward about it, as her attention was drawn back to her nephew, who was pulling her hand insistently.

— Come see Elli, Tante! Come — he exclaimed, clutching at her fingers.

— I'll be right there darling, just let me talk to Onkel Toto first, okay? — Elisabeth replied, before turning to Toto, who was already talking animatedly with her father. As she approached the two of them he smiled at her.

— Need something, Liesl? — he asked.

— I just wanted to bring the wine into the kitchen.

He handed the bags he was still holding carefully to her, resting his hand on her waist next.

— Do you need help in there?

— No, dear — she replied — Mom and Claire must have everything under control. Besides, considering what happened at Ben's birthday dinner, I think you better stay away from sharp objects.

Toto chuckled, before leaning over and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. Turning her back to go into the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of Rosi. She was sitting on the couch watching Ben and Lukas talk about Shivas, a slightly bored expression on her face. “I can't leave her there”, Elisabeth thought.

— Rosi, do you want to come into the kitchen with me? — she asked the girl. Rosi smiled shyly at her. 

— Yes — she replied, getting up and following Elisabeth and Lenny into the apartment's kitchen.

The kitchen was chaotic. There were platters, plates, and bowls strewn about, pots steaming on the stove, and something that smelled delicious baking in the oven. On the countertop by the sink, Marlene was stirring something in a pan. At the table, Claire was trying to finish cutting up some cabbage, and a little boy with raspberries smeared all over his face was bouncing next to her in a high chair.

— Elisabeth! — her sister-in-law exclaimed, getting up to give her a hug — How are you?

— I'm fine — she smiled — And you?

— Tired but fine — Claire said — Nobody said raising two kids would be easy, but thank God Eli is a real angel.

— I hear those are the worst when they grow up — Marlene muttered, making them both laugh.

— Don't talk like that, Ellison will be very well behaved.

— I'm well behaved too, aren't I, Tante? — Lenny asked. Elisabeth patted her nephew on the head.

— Of course you are, Mausi. You're very well behaved — she smiled at her nephew.

— I know this conversation is riveting — Marlene butted in, putting a dish towel on her shoulder — But I need to finish dinner sometime tonight. Can you help me, Elschen?

— Of course — Elisabeth said. She strode over to her mother and picked up the pot of boiled potatoes from the sink. However, as she turned around, she noticed that Rosi was standing in the corner, looking a little out of place — Rosi, do you want to help too?

The girl nodded. Soon Marlene assigned a task to her, who was responsible for the sauce of the dumplings that would be made with the potatoes that Elisabeth would mash.

With four more helping hands in the kitchen, it wasn't long before the family's Christmas dinner was ready. Soon, the dumplings prepared by Rosi and Elisabeth were on the table, along with the traditional roast goose, Claire’s coleslaw. It fell to Lenny to get everyone to settle into chairs for the meal. It was delicious, according to him.

After the whole family was seated, glasses poured with wine, juice and water, Niki stood at the end of the table and cleared her throat as a way of attracting attention. Soon, everyone was silent, attentive to what he would say.

— You know I'm not a speech-making man. In fact, I hate giving speeches. But, I have a few things to talk about and I'm going to take advantage of this moment when everyone is gathered for this, if you don't mind.

— I won't mind if you don't take too long, I'm hungry — Lukas said. Everyone at the table chuckled.

— I won't be long, Lukas, don't worry — Niki said, before continuing — Well, first I wanted to say how happy I am to have you all here. Marlene and I have always worked very hard to keep some traditions alive in this family, and the fact that we are still able to get together at Christmas is something that makes me particularly happy.

He paused for a second before continuing.

— Second, I'd like to point out how much this family has grown since the last time we were all together. At the rate we're at, we're going to have to buy a much bigger table for next year — Niki said, eliciting new laughter — Jokes aside, I've always wanted a big family and, after everything I've been through in this life, looking at all of you, I think I did pretty well for a half-dead man. I have an amazing wife, three wonderful children, an adorable daughter-in-law, and a somewhat stupid but still extremely competent son-in-law.

The good-natured mention of Toto had Elisabeth shooting a look at him, who was running a hand through his hair, nodding at Niki. Taking his free hand, their gazes met, a smile tugging at his lips.

— What about me, Opa? — Lenny asked, making everyone at the table laugh.

— How could I forget about you, Lennon? I also have wonderful grandchildren, who bring me great joy and pride. Of course, the number increased a little more than expected, since in addition to Ellison, Elisabeth also gave me two grandchildren who, despite not being of my blood, have all my affection since the first time I saw them.

Looking to the side, Elisabeth noticed that Rosi was looking at her lap and blushing, and looked like she was trying not to cry. Elisabeth took the girl’s hand in hers, giving it an affectionate squeeze. They never had the opportunity to meet the paternal grandfather as he was stolen by a cruel disease long before they were born. However, as fate would have it, they found that in Niki, who was as tender and affectionate to them as he was to his grandchildren by blood, who didn't hesitate to give his opinions and who was there to offer all the support they needed.

— But, I didn't want to talk about the good stuff. I really wanted to talk about the difficulties we face this year. These last few months have been very challenging for all of us, I have no doubt. But, I believe that it is in the worst moments that we find out who really loves us — he said — And the love I am referring to is not the one expressed in an 'I love you', a kiss or a hug. It's the one that's in a simple message asking how the other is doing or even in the eyes when you see the one you love. And this love, my dear ones, is priceless.

Elisabeth hesitated for a few seconds before looking up at Mathias, who was staring at her, an unreadable expression on her face. She knew her father was talking about the two of them and their shattered relationship. He had hurt her deeply with his words and actions, especially during their fight at Lennon's birthday party, when she had been called the lowest possible words simply for being in love with someone he didn't think was right for her.

— Therefore, I invite you to toast love with me. May he lead our family in this coming year. May he be the only feeling that is cultivated among all of us who are here. And may he be the strength that leads us towards even better days.

Raising her wine glass, Elisabeth just smiled at her father, while the sound of crystals touching sounded through the environment. After taking a sip, she looked at Mathias again. He continued to look at her, but at that moment, Elisabeth could see guilt in his eyes.

The family dinner was peaceful. Between conversations about Nico's retirement, the next trips to Ibiza and the anxiety of the dogs at their feet, waiting for crumbs to fall to the floor. However, the feeling of something heavy inside Elisabeth's chest continued, even with all the breathing techniques she had learned in therapy.

— Liesl, are you okay? — Toto whispered beside her, taking her fingers in his. She looked at him and smiled.

— Yes, I’m okay, dear — Elisabeth replied, picking up her glass of water and taking a sip. Toto kissed her hand and went back to his dinner, while she kept thinking about her father's words about love.

Elisabeth had never stopped loving Mathias, not even after he had called her a slut and thrown her and the man she loved out of his house. Mathias may have many faults, but he was a man who was true to his own values and opinions, something Elisabeth admired, in a way. Their bond had always been strong, through all the mishaps and disagreements, and it had never been tested until that damned Saturday in Spa.

After everyone finished eating, Elisabeth took it upon herself to take the dishes back to the kitchen and organize them in the dishwasher. There was something about the process that calmed her down, and she used the time alone to think. Occasionally, she was seized by some sort of mania about organization, and it had led to a few arguments with Toto. When it happened, Elisabeth decided to reorganize some room, drawer or space in the closet that belonged to him, and then he couldn’t find anything afterward.

She was trapped in her own thoughts about possibly rearranging the books in her Oxford office into alphabetical order, and jumped when she heard someone clear their throat behind her.

— Can we talk? — Mathias asked seriously.

Elisabeth hesitated for a second as she held a glass dish in her hand. It felt like deja-vu, just like the situation that had happened after Benedict's birthday. However, there was something in her brother's expression that didn't convey the same assurance that she had felt when she agreed to talk to Joanna.

Toto's mother had treated her completely differently that night, especially compared to the first time they had met. There was much more respect and even a certain affection. But Mathias hadn't shown any change in his attitude towards her and Toto. That was what scared her the most, especially because of Benedict and Rosi.

— I don't know if we have something to talk about — Elisabeth replied softly, placing the platter inside the dishwasher.

— Yes, we do, Elschen — he said — We have a lot to talk about.

Hearing him call her by her nickname made something clench inside her chest. It had been a long time since he'd last referred to her that way, and even though his voice didn't carry the same warmth as before, Elisabeth had missed it.

Looking back at her brother, she crossed her arms.

— Well, start talking, then.

Mathias pressed his lips together hesitantly. Then he said something Elisabeth didn't expect.

— I wanted to apologize to you, Elschen.

She blinked.

— Apologize?

— Yes.

— Why?

He sighed.

— Because I'm a shit brother. I was selfish with you, with dad, with our entire family. All because I couldn't accept that you also have the right to make your choices, no matter what they are, and to be respected for them, the same way Lukas and I were.

Elisabeth glared at him.

—Why couldn't you respect my choices? — she asked, dryly.

— Because I thought you were doing the wrong thing. I thought dad would be mad at you and I wanted to, I don’t know, protect you from his anger, because I already felt his anger. I didn't want you to be sad, or for him to be sad, either — her brother said, running a hand through his hair.

— So, you thought the best thing to do would be to blackmail me?

— I was trying to convince you that what you were doing was crazy. I had no idea that the relationship between the two of you was already so… Entrenched. I thought it was just an affair, just a physical thing, and that’s it. I really didn't think there was love involved. And I found out there was love involved when Toto walked into my office at Lenny's party.

— After you called me a slut, a cunt, a bitch, and a whore, you mean?

— I apologize for that too, Elschen. You are none of those things, quite the contrary. I've always been, and I'm still proud to have you as a sister. And nothing will change that inside of me.

— The way you've treated me these last few months, it didn't seem like you were proud of me. Actually, you made it pretty clear that you were disgusted with me — she muttered.

— Fuck, Elschen, can't you just see my side of this?

— Can you see mine? — Elisabeth countered — I was doing everything to keep my relationship with Toto protected, not just for us, but for the sake of his children. I didn't want to bring media attention to us and therefore them because I know how cruel the media can be.

— I know that too, Elisabeth.

— No, you don’t! — she continued, her voice rising — You don't know what it’s like because most press about you just relates to your driving. You’ve never had to read in a magazine that you're fat, that you're not graceful like your mother, that you're an ugly fucking duckling. You never had to hide during recess at school because you're a fucking joke to everyone.

Mathias blinked, a little shocked.

— I did what I did, I lied, I made excuses, I deceived everyone because I wanted to protect the people I loved. I wanted to protect Toto, his kids, mom and dad, you and Lukas. I did all this juggling for you, and when I needed you, you buried a knife in my back.

— Elschen…

— I really wish I could forgive you right now, Mathias. I really want to look at you and tell you that it’s fine and that I want to take our relationship back to where we were, but I can't. It's not like you don't really know me and you're acting on the wrong first impression. You've known me since the day I was born, Mathias. You know exactly how I am, what I think, and my weaknesses, and you used them against me.

Her brother swallowed hard, not saying a word.

— You always knew that I love dad more than anything in the world and that I’d never do anything to hurt him. The first thing you did after the shit that happened with my Instagram was tell him. You went to send a fucking audio saying that you were at dad's disposal to solve my situation the easy or the hard way.

— Did you hear the audio?

Niki played the audio for her and Toto during his first dinner with Niki and Marlene as her boyfriend. The anger in Mathias' voice, and the harsh words stuck in Elisabeth's mind, even though Niki seemed to think it was funny.

— Yes. And be honest, what did you think you were going to do to solve my situation together with dad? Would you go all the way to Oxford and drag me out of my house by the hair? Would you try to kill Toto? Or both of us?

— I thought I'd talk to you two — he murmured.

— Like you talked to me in Spa? I'm sorry, Mathias, but I don’t believe a word you say.

— Elisabeth…

She ran a hand over her face. She wanted to end this conversation.

— Look, Mathias, I only have one thing to say to you — Elisabeth said — Some things never change. You will forever be my brother and I will always love you. However, I can't pretend that you didn't hurt me with the worst possible weapon, which is the love I feel for our father. You destroyed my trust in you.

— I already asked…

— An apology doesn't change the past, Mathias — Elisabeth cut him off — An apology is like tearing a page out of a notebook after having written a wrong word with a pen. And, I'm sorry, but it's too soon for me to tear out the page you've scribbled through.

He stared at her in silence, absorbing what she had just said. Turning to the dishwasher, she loaded some more silverware and closed the door, pressing a button to start the cycle. Then, with her head high and her heart sinking, Elisabeth looked at her brother.

— Excuse me — she said, solemnly, before leaving the kitchen, as well as Mathias, behind.

#toto wolff #toto wolff fluff #f1 fic #f1 fanfic #f1 x oc #formula 1 fic #formula 1 fanfic #wlffog #formula 1 x oc #natsversion #niki lauda #scwlff

[grey-sides]

hello greye :) not sure if you’re still doing prompts but i had a harringrove headcannon i’ve been thinking about! billy being uncomfortable with sexual intimacy but going along with it because steve is so touchy and steve thinks billy is ok with it but finds out one day that billy actually isn’t

Heyyyy, anon! This scratched my brain in the best way. Anyway!

Billy says some not so kind things about himself in here, as a warning. They are, organically, coming from my own brain and my own struggle to accept my asexuality. It's not judgement or a belief about ace folks, just how it can feel to be ace in an allosexual society. I hope you enjoy! (And as a final reminder, asexuality is a long and broad range of experiences. Some aces are sex-repulsed and others are not, in my personal headcanon, I think Billy would not be sex-repulsed under certain circumstances <3)

Billy has a reputation, he knows he has a reputation, spent a long time building and maintaining that reputation because it guards his heart and keeps it safe. But it’s not real, it’s not a reputation he wants anyone he actually cares about believing.

Steve believes his reputation. Takes it at face value, goads Billy about it sometimes when they tumble into bed together. Asks him how high his body count is, watches Billy with hungry eyes when he goes down on him.

Billy hates it. Hates that Steve believes it, doesn't think otherwise, asks but Billy never brings himself to say no. He hates being touched like this, with Steve's hand on his ass while he presses kisses to his jaw and neck. He hates it because he loves Steve and he wants Steve to love him too, all the parts of himself he can't change.

"Stop," he mumbles, licks his lips and clears his throat. "Stop."

Steve pulls away, mouth swollen from the kisses. They're red and slick and his eyes are wide with concern. "What? What's going on?"

Billy wants to scream and cry or throw something and tell Steve to get out. He owes Steve this though, to try and explain it to him. Billy hates to admit it, but he knows Steve is going to try and understand.

Steve's hand leaves his ass and soothes down his side instead. He's looking at Billy with those big, brown eyes and he's so worried that it makes Billy want to puke.

He shifts a little, unconsciously tugging his shirt around himself. He hates hiding too, but it feels a bit unfair to Steve to leave everything hanging out when he doesn't want Steve to touch. Not right now. Maybe not ever.

"I...uh...I don't like sex," Billy says, crashing into the words like a bull in a china shop. "I never have and I'm sorry, I know you do. It's just-"

"Hey," Steve murmurs, setting his hand on Billy's knee. "Hey, it's alright. You don't have to be sorry."

Billy looks at him and sets his jaw. "I do, I am sorry because I'm fucked up and this is how you have intimacy and I hate that I can't give this to you."

Steve looks stricken, his thumb starts to brush soothing circles into Billy's knee which he can't really feel through the thick denim of his jeans. But he's not running away and he's not forcing Billy and all of those things makes his chest ache.

"Don't say that shit about yourself," Steve scolds gently. "You don't have to justify yourself. It's okay, we can stop."

"But I don't know if I'm ever going to be comfortable with it!" Billy snaps, shoulders sinking. "It's not just tonight, it's always like this. I always feel like this."

"Okay," Steve gentles, ducking his head to meet Billy's eyes. "Okay. There's nothing to be ashamed of, Billy. I'm not going to stop wanting you just because we can't have sex."

Billy shakes his head, grits his teeth. "You say that but you don't know that." Everyone always gets tired of it, Billy's been here before.

"You trusted me enough to drive your car last week, I think you can trust me when I say that's never going to be a reason I stop wanting you."

Billy's face crumbles and a single tear slides down his cheek. He's a disaster, but Steve is willing to hold him together. Steve doesn't say a word about his hard dick when he gets off the bed to grab Billy a hoodie and a box of tissues. And he curls around Billy when he flicks the TV and VHS on to play a movie.

Billy thinks he could love him and it makes his chest ache.

A Week Following

"Hey!" Steve calls when Billy opens the front door to his house. He has his own key now and even though Billy hasn't put out, he hasn't taken it away. "Got something for you to check out!"

Billy puts his keys down on the front table and kicks off his shoes as he walks into the house. Steve's in the kitchen and Billy can hear the egg timer indicating he has something in the oven.

Steve pushes something across the counter and gestures to it. "Got it from Robin, it's called a 'zine and she got it from her queer literature club. Anyway, they talk about asexuality in it? I thought maybe you might get something out of it."

Billy should snap and snarl at Steve for it. But instead he just traces his fingers over the lettering on the front. There's a short table of contents and he flips to the page with shaking hands. It's too much, to read all the words, but it's there. Every thought and feeling he's ever had.

His hands are still shaking when he snaps it shut and there are tears on his face when he looks back up at Steve.

"Hey," Steve soothes, walking around the counter to cradle Billy's cheeks. He dips to kiss his forehead and gives him a small smile. "It's a spectrum, right? Really highbrow stuff in there, but you're not...you're not broken, Billy."

Billy can't speak, doesn't know what words to say anyway, but Steve has gone out of his way to weasel this fucking thing out of Buckley for him. It means something. It means everything.

"Some people say they get comfortable enough to have sex and some don't and that's okay. Wherever you fall, is okay and I don't want you to force yourself to fall in one direction because you think it'll make you happy."

Billy can only nod but he wraps his arms around Steve and presses his ear to his chest. Steve's heartbeat in his stupid, warm, loving chest. His heart that makes his big dumb brain act like this, willing to learn and understand even when it goes against his nature.

"Okay," Billy mumbles. He pulls back enough to press a kiss to Steve's chin and tucks back into his arms until the oven timer goes off.

When Steve goes to pull his bread out of the oven, Billy flips through the rest of the 'zine. It's cool and he wonders if Buckley might be able to get him in on the thing. Might be helpful to just know that other people like him are out there.

And when he looks back up at Steve, he knows he doesn't have to, but he might be able to. Because, at the end of the day, it's just Steve. Having sex with Steve is different than anyone else because Steve doesn't care. There's no performance here in this house wearing threadbare sweatpants and old tank tops. There's no expectations or pressures. There's just Steve and his big brown eyes and his desire to understand.

He's not going to force himself. But he's never had to force himself to love Steve either, so maybe that could be part of it. One day.

#harringrove #drabble #greye writes #stranger things

[iamthunderhearmehowl]

Halsin's Daughter Headcannons PT5: ✨️Names/Personality/Druid Subclass / Theme Songs ✨️

Oh wow. We're on prt 5???? Am I obsessed? Or am I basically making a new DND character to play in my next campaign 🤫🫣

Either way, I want you guys to enjoy this as much as I am.

ANWAYS

So I have 4 names lined up and a poll going on. The poll and all other posts related to Halsin's Daughter can be found here.

And may I just say that ya'll are going to make this hella hard for me bc everytime I look all the names are tied lmao.

The names:

Armelle - Means Bear

Faeryl - I think this one is super cute

Haelra - Similar to Halsin

Khalees - Not gonna lie, I got this one from a name randomizer

I'll make another post in 7 days letting yall know the winner. Could I have easily just flipped a coin and name her? Yeah but that's no fun!

Personality:

I'm still working on this one so bear with me (hahaha i hate myself lmao)

I think she would be really quiet. Hiding in the background, she normally wouldn't speak unless she is spoken to. She tends to keep to herself

Although she is a natural flirt and naturally charming; part of her knows that it's a defense mechanism. She's like this because she HAD TO be. She had to survive her life in the underdark and that meant winning her mother political favors via seducing people. It was survival for her.

She's actually really klutzy. She always knocks something over. IDK man she's like either super unlucky or just a bull in a china shop.

Dead ass would just be walking and minding her own buisness and her shirt would get caught on a door and she would fall backwards and accidently set the place on fire

She's also kind of a day dreamer. Most people would see her and think about how elegant she looks sitting at the tavern table with her legs crossed nicely, thoughfully staring into her cup

In reality - she's thinking about eating chocolate in her wildshape as a wolf. Would she die or would she just have really bad diarrhea????

Her thoughts are literally your google search bar at 3 am.

When she finally gets comfortable around people, she is a gem to be around: She's pretty funny + a mess.

Walking chaos honestly

Favorite phrases: "Why the fuck are you the way that you are?" "For what reason???" "It was an accident I swear" "You have 2 braincells"

She's not as serious as her father; but she did spend most of her time with Mol and Arabella who are both pretty mischevious and witty

Now once she has a mission or job to do it's a whole different story: Home girl goes 0 to 100 real quick

She uses wild shape to her full advantage

If she's getting chased on rooftop she'll just jump off and change into a crow in mid air

She'll also wildshape into a wolf and run at you at full speed only to change her self back right as she stabs you

Druid Subclass:

I'm still looking into this, but I think I would make her either Circle of Dreams or Circle of Wildfire.

I can see circle of dreams because she would be good aligned. And it's easy to see her playing with Pixies in the underdark as a child.

HOWEVER

Circle of Wildfire would make more sense because again this girl is just walking chaos. Like I said in previous posts she sees natures balance as chaos itself. What is normal to the spider is chaos to the fly. So Circle of Wildfire would make so much sense for her.

Again I am working on it but let me know what you think ❤️

Theme Songs:

This is honestly just for funsies.

HD's Theme Song: ⤵️⤵️

Dammon + HD:

lol can you tell that I'm a Sleep Token fan? Anways that's all I have for tonight! I'll be back for part 6 as soon as I can!

#bg3 #halsin #bg3 halsin #baulders gate 3 #bg3 headcanons #bg3 half drow #bg3 fanfic idea #bg3 tav #bg3 oc #bg3-headcannons #bg3 fanfiction #Spotify

[sparrow-orion-writes]

[Final] Part 6: Every story has a happy ending if you end it in the right place.

Part One | Part Two | Part Three | Part Four | Part Five

This one shot is set in the Cardinal Sins universe. No prior reading or knowledge is required.

POV: First Person

Genres: Fantasy, adventure, romance.

Rating and warnings for the whole fic: 18 (violence, some mild gore once or twice, one detailed sex scene, and one not-so detailed sex scene). By clicking "Read More" you confirm you are at least 18 years of age, and willing to read the above topics.

Warnings for this part: some smut at the end there

--

I awoke the next morning – and I wish I could say we were wrapped in a loving embrace – with her half hanging out of the bed. I chuckled as I pulled her closer, watching her eyes open up to me, her skin tinted a faint darker blue in her blush. An odd sight, to see her flustered.

“Good morning,” I whispered, feeling the sight of her flutter warmth and anxiety all at once.

“Good morning,” she whispered back, and closed her eyes again “...just a few more minutes.” Even if I wanted to, I don’t think I could have argued. It isn’t just her voice that has a power over me, it’s simply a feeling I imagine any man would feel with a woman, wanting to give her the world, or bear it for her if nothing else.

She wound her body – so much colder than any human woman – around my own, her face buried against my neck, her chest rising and falling tight against my side. “What happens when this trip is over?” I asked her, wondering aloud what plagued my mind.

“I don’t know,” she whispered, her breath tickling my neck in the way that made all my nerves dance “...I belong to the sea, I can’t ever be the one that settles down and has a family with you, if that’s what you want.”

I scoffed lightly “...Hardly have the time for a family with the hours I tend to work.” Not that I wanted a family. As if children don’t become adults like me whose fathers die young from overworking themselves, and mothers who die just a little bit older from stress. It seemed unfair.

“I won’t change, but you will, one day.”

“That’s okay, one day can come when it desires.”

She laughed quietly against me, and though I couldn’t see her face I knew she was rolling her eyes at me. “You’re a fool,” she muttered, with a shake of her head.

“I am,” I replied, knowing I had been hers the moment I saw her face. “I will stay, if you want me to stay.”

Fairweather leaned up, her sharp smile on her lips, making my heart stammer just at the sight. “I want you to stay,” she admitted to me “...I don’t think you should, though, forever is a long time to be at sea, and you’re only stalling the inevitable.”

I tried not to think too hard on her words, only shrugging as I brought my hand through her curls and brought her into a gentle, fleeting kiss. She smiled against my lips and I felt her breath grace my lungs. It was the most perfect moment of my life, her slow heartbeat against my own erratic one. I wished that peace I felt in that moment would last forever.

--

It continued this way. Every now and then I would even get back in the water with her – though I wasn’t a good swimmer and the water was freezing – I loved the way she was with the water. The way her magic worked on me, and the way I worked on her. There was something so much more natural about Fair when she was in the water, something predatory and exciting. I knew she wouldn’t hurt me, but the sheer force of her rippling through those waves still forced my heart to jump into my throat.

There was tenderness in the way I feared her. I imagine, though she wouldn’t admit it, there were things about me that scared her.

When the night would end she would drag me into her bed, and I would resist the urge to melt into my own mind when she whispered such sweet things in my ears. I’m a large man - not often made fragile, and had more than once been referred to as 'a bull in a china shop - but she made me feel fragile and that always enticed me. It’s why in the end, I fell in love with her.

I thought I was in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her, but desire is just a powerful thing – something that she knew more than most.

--

We dropped the patron off at Dover, and the men took refuge in a hostel of sorts for the night, happy to have their feet on land for a night. I entertained the thought of going home, but first I wanted the sanctuary of some actual alone time with Fair.

We sat on the deck, looking up at the stars. The two of us laid side by side as the world drifted by. “Are you sure?” She asked me, her eyes transfixed by the moon.

“Of...?”

“Staying with me, are you sure that’s what you want?”

“Certainly,” I scoffed slightly, shaking my head “...I’m not lying for your sake, if that’s what you think.”

“No, that’s not – it isn’t that, I just worry, I’m a compelling person, and you-” she cut herself off with a frown “...you are easily susceptible to that compulsion.” I looked to her, studying her profile in the dark, before I turned on my side. She averted her eyes from the starlight to my face, where her expression became softer or perhaps more relaxed. She was always hard to read.

“I don’t mind, I’m happy and that’s all that mattes,” and then I kissed her, leaning over her body on the deck of the ship.

Maybe it was the salt-slick air, or the hushed whisper of the waves beneath us, but her kiss quickly became hungry. Her hands holding me like iron, before winding through the strands of my hair. Her guidance led me on top of her, my body between her thighs on the deck.

“Here?” I asked with a scandalised laugh.

“Now...please,” she hummed, grinning as her teeth caught my lip in her grasp. “I’m in a good mood.”

Her hands pried at my shirt impatiently and without co-ordination. “Relax,” I muttered, shaking my head. I pulled her free of her layers until my palms could slide against the scales adorning her thighs; she couldn’t wait for me to get out of mine, barely pausing to undo my belt before I was being dragged closer once more.

I gasped against her neck, stifled by her skin before I gathered the air to taste her, teeth prying such musical noises from her as I tugged at her skin. She whimpered, grinding against me, demanding me to hurry up, to press into her.

And so I did. Relief washed through the both of us, exhaling the silence of our frantic feelings. She gripped me, nails digging through the layer of my shirt, her legs pulled up to her chest. The wood was uncomfortable, it scratched against my knees but inevitably I cared about it very little. Her voice soothed me, whispering little begs and praises. My eyelids fluttered closed in resolute content. 

She held onto me, and I rocked into her. The waves of the sea slid against the side of the ship, filling the silence with its hushed chorus. We tried to keep ourselves quiet – knowing our voices would carry in the night – but she had a habit of turning me into something feral. In the light of the moon she was no better, growling against me as her nails sought me like prey. She moved erratically, strong thighs pulling me harder into her than ever.

We didn’t feel so much like people, as much as animals. Her sounds reverberating through my mind and silencing all thought. All I remember from that was pleasure. Hot and traversing through me, mindless and without thought. In turn she responded in kind. I could hardly bear to think how our voices travelled, or if people had thought we were not humans, but wild animals.

Her eyes rolled in her ecstasy, and she fell silent, choking on her own pleasure. I finally found my senses, but didn’t still, wanting to see her content. The seawater rose as her back arched, rising up the sides of the ship and, as she crashed with a guttaral moan, the water splashed onto the deck, soaking us both.

The shock of the water – and its odd heat, which should not have been possible at this time of year and especially not at night – consumed me as I pressed deeper into her. I bowed my head as my hips pressed to hers, a loud gasp of her name pulled, strangled, from my lips, spilling into her.

The water seemed to almost glow in the moonlight. I rocked into her until I could no longer move. Her legs wrapped around my hips and she pulled me close. Leaning my weight on my forearms, the two of us stayed, locked together, intertwined, under the stars.

When I finally lifted my head, the wild animal was gone, and instead there was just her, with tears in her eyes. “You can go if you want,” she whispered “...it’s okay, I understand.” I kissed her gently, resting my forehead against hers.

Her sadness pulled more from me than pleasure ever could, and I closed my eyes to hold back the ache that tore open in my chest.

“I promise you now, Fair..." I whispered in the dark, a vow like nothing else I had ever made "...I will only leave when you make me.”

Her relieved, shuddering breath is all the answer that I needed.

#And thats the end of that #for now anyway #fairweather #my writing

[tessiete]

One Hell of a Fanfic

So, completely unbeknownst to me, the podcast One Hell of a Fanfic took the time to read and discuss my fic The Eternal Spring. It’s an older fic – I think my first real foray into SW as an author – and it shows. But the wonderful hosts, Steph and Lauren, found it, read it, and talked about it here.

This new podcast focuses on SW fic exclusively, and is an absolute delight to listen to. As a reader, it gives you insight into the experience of reading the story and introduces you to work you might have missed. And as an author…wow.

It’s like when someone leaves you an essay in your comment section. Chef’s kiss.

Anyway, because I love to talk about process and intent, and because I love to talk about stories, and because while listening to this episode I had so many moments of “YES BUT DID YOU SEE THE BIT WHERE I –” I’ve decided to write up a little response going into detail about what Lauren and Steph discovered while reading The Eternal Spring.

I’ll try and organise it, too, by sort of keeping to the five categories they break their episodes into. So here goes:

CANON

Right off the bat, this section made me question everything about myself, my writing, and what on earth I was doing. Both Lauren and Steph mentioned how incredibly deep the lore is, how many Easter Eggs I included, and how I blended canon, Legends, and fanon into a unique lore of its own.

This is wild to me because I’d never thought of that.

Listen, I’ve got a very complicated relationship with canon. I treat it as equal to Legends, and fanon. To my mind, it’s no better, no more real, no more accurate than Legends is, or even fanon. In fact, I’m of the opinion that fanon occasionally has the absolute best take on a character.

For instance, Obi-Wan having precognitive dreams. Sorry, that’s real to me. That’s true. 

And you’ll see this come up as a given in my work all the time. I hardly even think about it anymore. So that’s one way in which these different sources are pulled together – unconsciously.

However, I won’t deny there was conscious reference to two fan works specifically. Those being Tatooine Slave Culture (created by fialleril), and more significantly the Lineage series (Jedi Apprentice rewrites by ruth baulding). I am a huge Jedi Apprentice fan, and a huge ruth baulding fan. I know JA especially has its haters, but I love it (for reasons I will not go into here for the sake of HA! brevity).

I know TSC especially has faced controversy in the past for appropriation and insensitivity, though admittedly, I was unaware of that at the time of writing this story. I had just entered the fandom much like a bull enters a china shop. I made a lot of missteps. That said, I don’t think I use TSC culture with any significant overstep in this story (as it is largely only referenced by people outside of the culture), and so while I probably wouldn’t do it again, I don’t feel it’s detrimental in this case.

Ruth Baulding, however, is perfect. While the Lineage series is extremely whump-heavy (heads up should you go looking), there is one story in particular where Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon visit The Stewardship of Terajon (StewJon) and encounter Obi-Wan’s birth family. While Qui-Gon handles it with a quiet and permissive grace, Obi-Wan is reflexively defensive and hostile, especially when he finds out that SPOILERS his family is on the opposite side of the conflict. They do no support the Republic, while Obi-Wan has dedicated his life to it. Qui-Gon recognises that their reasons are legitimate and ideologies are not so black and white as good and evil. Obi-Wan, however, cannot reconcile the idea that his family are so-called traitors. They end up finding an uneasy peace where Obi-Wan tells his parents that Qui-Gon is and has always been a father to him, and Obi-Wan’s mother makes him promise that if he ever needs help he will ask her for it.

I really wanted to write a story where he does that.

Partly because I wanted to depict an Obi-Wan who had grown into a maturity that could handle shades of grey, especially in politics, and partly because this story is so much about parents and their children, absence and presence and legacy, that I felt Ue, his mother, needed to be there for it.

Side note: I will forever cling to ruth baulding's conjecture that Obi-Wan is named for the obiwan flowers that grow on Stewjon. IRL our obiwan flowers look similar to how she describes them!

As for Qui-Gon and his love of plants – I don’t know.

I think this is a blend of fanon and Legends that I’ve once again just taken on board as fact, and only with this podcast am I compelled to examine it.

Though recently contradicted by LFL canon (In CG’s Master&Apprentice), fanon loooooong held that Obi-Wan was the one with a connection to prophecy and Qui-Gon was Master of Living in the Moment. I really love the tension this creates between them, and that’s why I keep it.

To that end, Qui-Gon is very frequently depicted in fanon as being Super Into Plants. He’s like, the Order’s #1 Plant Dad. His rooms are full of plants, and he is deeply connected to the Living Force.

In the Jedi Apprentice novels, Obi-Wan is almost sent to live as a farmer in the AgriCorps, and he is convinced he’d be a terrible farmer.

I kind of connected these two dots to suggest that much as Obi-Wan still ends up on Tatooine, he also still ends up a farmer. Qui-Gon taught him the horticulture he was so afraid of finding on Bandomeer, and Tatooine sees him eventually relying on those skills for survival. 

This ties into one of the things I wanted to grapple with in this fic. Free will vs. Destiny. I think, ultimately, this story’s perspective on it is that destiny = destination. You are always going to the same place. But the journey itself is free will. How you get there, which path you take, and what you learn from it – that’s all on you. 

And if we believe that it’s not about the destination, but the journey, then isn’t that the same as free will after all?

Anyway. 

That said, Steph and Lauren point out several times that this complex mingling of lore leads to much confusion AND that if you’re not acquainted with even something as (to me) ubiquitous as The Clone Wars, then much of it won’t land.

On the one hand, this is intentional. I love Easter Eggs, but I’m staunchly of the opinion that Easter Eggs aren’t meant to be found by everyone. They’re for the dedicated readers, the hyperfixaters, the deep-divers, the re-readers. I think Easter Eggs aren’t PointingLeos so much as they are sly winks, and things that make returning to a story rewarding. Every time you come back, you find something new. They’re meant to increase the longevity of novelty. And that’s how I try to use them.

THAT SAID I 100% TOOK IT FOR GRANTED THAT EVERYONE HAS THE SAME KNOWLEDGE BASE AS I DO.

In retrospect, that’s ridiculous. This is what I mean by saying they made me question my whole approach to fic. I didn’t think that TCW was a deep-cut. I didn’t think that Siri Tachi and her mandrangea beans were unknown, or that Obi-Wan loving muja fruit was obscure.

And that’s on me. That’s my bad. Because objectively, Lauren and Steph are absolutely right. That is so much information to expect a reader to have as a baseline, and dramatically decreases the size of the demographic I’m reaching.

Do I regret it? ….nnnooooo?

But I will absolutely be more mindful of that in the future. I think that’s a hugely important lesson for me to take from this. It’s not just a “My perspective isn’t everyone’s perspective” but a “Not everyone has been hyperfixating on the exact shade of orange in a Tatooine sunset since they were five, please provide some context thank you”.

EXPANDING THE LORE

Okay, I really wanted to address this, because in a previous episode, Lauren and Steph discuss World Without End by disasterisms. Specifically, they mention their love of mythology and how interesting it is that WWE is a retelling of the Hades/Persephone story.

And it had me frantically raising my hand like a pick-me!

So, fun fact, The Eternal Spring is also based on a Greek myth. Specifically, the myth of Psyche and Eros. In the original story, Psyche marries Eros but swears never to look on his face. She can’t deal with the curiosity however, and one night as he’s sleeping, she holds her torch over his head to get a look. He’s beautiful. But oil from her lamp drips onto him and he wakes, fleeing until she atones for her crime by completing a series of Impossible Tasks.

I love Impossible Tasks.

And more, I loooove hanging my stories on the preexisting structures of other works.

The Forlorn Queen is a long-form poem I wrote that is meant to be a Nabooian version of Psyche and Eros. In it, the unnamed Queen is assigned four Impossible Tasks that all correlate to the tasks of Psyche.

Sort seeds from sand

Retrieve the Golden Fleece

Collect water from a sacred spring

Steal the Beauty of Perspephone 

In the fic, these are played out by Padme in variously metaphorical ways. In the first, she literally has to sort the seeds from the sand after a sandstorm destroys their burgeoning garden. But more than re-enacting this myth, each task is meant to explore some emotional challenge in how she copes and reconciles her grief.

Sorting seeds from sand is a metaphor for her sorting out her priorities. What is alive still? What is worth saving? How closely she has to examine the sand, how long it takes, how tedious it is – this is all a reflection of her looking at her own life, her own struggles, and sorting out what she needs vs. what she wants.

Likewise, she retrieves the Golden Fleece/Golden Scale (saves Boil from the chip and his own lack of purpose, his transformation symbolised by him painting his armour [his scales] gold and taking on Padme’s commission, which is also the Mandalorian colour for vengeance). By sending Boil after Obi-Wan she is bringing water to the goddess (relief to Obi-Wan). And finally, the task that Psyche fails is the one Padme fails, also – at least, she cannot do it alone. This is about the acceptance of death and the loss of youth. This is Padme not joining the rebellion, and Obi-Wan reconciling with Qui-Gon.

Greek myths don’t directly correspond with symbolism as we understand it today, so yeah, I had to do a bit of research and even more extrapolation to get these tasks to mean more than simply Things To Accomplish, but that was always the intent. This story was always a myth – just as Revenge of the Sith (esp. As written by Matthew Stover) is explicitly Greek in its framing as a tragedy.

WHEW! Onto the fun stuff!

CHARACTERS

The thing that struck me most here was Lauren and Steph’s breakdown of small action vs. big action, and how they both agreed that it was sometimes difficult to follow and occasionally off-putting. Small action is the emotional conflicts deeply examined, while big action is like, the pew-pews.

They are totally correct in their assessment.

I could say that I think this is something that the OT and PT especially do. A New Hope, especially, spends what modern audiences would consider a loooong time without any significant Big Action, and the PT really struggles with pacing. It’s something sort of inherent to SW, and I really wanted this fic to feel like SW. It wasn’t entirely unintentional on my part to give you a lot of small action and then suddenly drop in big action…

Buuuuuuut it wasn’t entirely intentional, either.

You know, in writing this fic, I was constantly, constantly afraid it was incredibly boring. You can see it in my ANs. The small action is what I live for, but I was scared no one would want to read it if I stayed there.

So I think this is honestly more a reflection of my own insecurity than it is a deliberate reflection of Star Wars itself.

Again, a lesson. And something to keep in mind!

OMG ALL THAT NONSENSE! If you’re still here, well, I got more!

FAVOURITE SCENES

Qui’s ghost

I am so happy Lauren loved this scene. This was the scene that I first envisioned, this was the scene that I was always writing towards, this scene, to me, is what Star Wars is all about.

And yes, I am actually George Lucas.

For more wild speculations of mine that have since been canonized by LFL please see Only Hope (including, weirdly, Mandalorians being super into culture soups…so…HMU Kathleen!)

But yeah, I love Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan. When I was writing this story I was deep into the QuiObi fandom, and I just really loved any and every expression of love and intimacy between them (platonic or otherwise).

Again going back to Legends, for me, I always loved the idea that Obi-Wan is frequently driven by his desire to be good for Qui-Gon. A good padawan, a good knight, a good Jedi. A good person. In JA he has to beg to be his padawan, and never really seems to feel like he measures up to Qui-Gon’s expectations. He wasn’t wanted and he worries that Qui-Gon’s disinterest in him never changed.

To me, it’s very obvious that Qui-Gon does want him. Very early on. But to a young teen, and someone so deeply insecure as Obi-Wan, it’s hard to see. 

I LOVE THAT TENSION.

And I felt Obi-Wan really needed his dad to give him a hug at the end of it all.

The idea that Qui-Gon has always been with Obi-Wan is…I mean, I think that’s just intrinsic to their story. It’s weird because I can see how it looks like I “Just Knew” but I think everyone knew because it’s sort of the inevitable conclusion to their journey together. Qui-Gon literally defies death in order to be with Obi-Wan. I can’t think of any greater expression of love and devotion than that…and yet, Obi-Wan still needs it spelled out for him.

ANYWAY I COULD TALK ABOUT THEM ALL DAY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH. I’m very happy it made you two cry.

KORKIE IS A KENOBI

Look, I’m not even being ironic about it anymore. I love Korkie Kenobi. I believe in Korkie Kenobi. Korkie Kenobi is the best, most under-utilised, over-disparaged, misunderstood storyline that Star Wars never took.

As I briefly mentioned before, this story is really about parents and their kids. It was not an indulgence but an acute necessity that Korkie be a Kenobi in this fic. I’m not saying that because I love the theory (though I do), but because thematically it is imperative that Obi-Wan sees himself as a son, a brother, and a father. That he understand he is part of a family of blood, of duty, of choice, of circumstance. That he knows he is connected to the Force, to the world, and to the people around him. That we all are. That we owe ourselves to the people around us. That nothing ends, and everything continues. 

That absence is not oblivion. 

And Korkie specifically fits into that theme in the way he and Obi-Wan are connected despite Obi-Wan’s own ignorance. He is biologically present (by blood), he is spiritually present (in Korkie’s Force sensitivity), and he is emotionally present (in the way Korkie was raised watching him, being inspired by him, holding him up as a model of bravery and integrity – despite Obi-Wan not physically being there to parent him, he still was formative in Korkie’s emotional development and, to me, that’s massively important).

I really, really dislike the notion that Korkie being Obi-Wan’s son inherently frames Obi-Wan as a neglectful and dead-beat parent. What a small way to look at someone’s impact on others. What a cruel way to frame purpose, duty, and obligation. What a sexist way to ignore Satine’s importance and capability. What a mean way to dismiss the experiences of so many readers and people who grew up in single-parent homes for whatever reason.

My mum works in medicine. She missed a lot of school concerts, a lot of bedtimes, a lot of birthdays because she was SAVING LIVES. My dad explained this to me as a small child, and even as a small child, I understood. I got it. Kids aren’t dumb, and I knew a lot of kids in similar situations – we’re not traumatised.

Never mind the kids who had a parent die, or deployed, or transferred. It’s hard to be a parent, and yes, some parents are uninterested and dead-beats. But that neglect is not defined by their absence.

PERSONAL PET PEEVE EXORCISED THROUGH KORKIE

I tried to really connect things here by having Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan mirror Obi-Wan and Korkie. Just as Obi-Wan was simultaneously present and absent in Korkie’s life, so too is Qui-Gon present and absent in Obi-Wan’s.

There’s a little moment where Obi-Wan’s mother, Ue, reassures Korkie that he’s wanted. Obi-Wan will not reject him. She tells him, “You are not a consequence, or a punishment, aso-aso,” she murmurs. “And I don't see that any parent could hold you any less than the very best of all beloved things.”

Then, at the end of the story, Qui-Gon uses the same words telling Obi-Wan, “Never think, my dearest Ben, that you are anything less than best beloved of my very heart.”

(“Best Beloved” btw is very much stolen from Kipling)

As for him taking the Kenobi name – hey man, we need more Kenobis.

But I love the bravery it takes because, as the hosts mention, it puts a big target on his back in a galaxy where the most powerful Force user is constantly on the look out for Kenobi.

And, in fact, if you’re curious, I explored the possibility of Vader finding Korkie first here: Or Else I Shall Be Lost

HERE there was also another lesson: 

Steph and Lauren discussed the revelation of Korkie’s Force Sensitivity, and how it was confusing until the very end when I explicitly commented on it.

I TOTALLY DIDN’T REALIZE THIS WAS CONFUSING because mostly, I didn’t realise that I was writing a mystery.

BUT I WAS! Holy heck! I’m honestly surprised. Another like, surprising reframing of my own intentions and process. Because looking back, they’re totally right.

Kind of in line with using lore I like without explanation or justification, I also like referencing things I as the author know to be true but without actually telling the audience. In this case, I used wild coincidence as a thin cover for Force sensitivity, not revealing that had been intentional until the end.

Of course, in my head I was like, “Ha! Another clue! They’ll be putting this puzzle together by now” without accounting for the fact that I never told anyone there was a puzzle to begin with.

Not sure how I’ll address that in future fic, but it’s…it’s really something to think about. Is it a mystery if you don’t tell your audience something needs to be investigated? 

NUMA REFERENCE

I honestly can’t remember, but I think Kano is canon….or Legends…and was there on Ryloth. I love using clones that make sense, even if they’re lesser known. It makes me feel less like someone’s got plot armour and more that they were lucky which was also why I used Boil. I know, having been in fandom for ages now, that fandom would’ve preferred Cody be the clone to find Padme on Tatooine and go after Obi-Wan, but like…

Look, I’m super proud that fandom has made Cody the character he is, but canonically, most of that doesn’t exist.

Canonically, the clones assigned to cover Obi-Wan’s back are Waxer and Boil.

And I think Waxer dies, right? So the only clone that made sense to me, as a fandom newbie, was Boil. It had to be Boil.

And his relationship with Numa cemented that. Because Numa is – in a way – his daughter. The same way Leia is. She is the inheritor of whatever is left after the war. Numa lives, but what of Ryloth? Did she survive the rest?

I think that moment is the one, uncomplicated victory that Boil looks back on to ground himself. He can look at Ryloth and think “We did the right thing” because after that, everything gets complicated. And that’s the thing that convinces Kano to help them, also. The desire to believe they’ve done good. Simple, uncomplicated good.

QUESTIONS

Okay, I really wanted to address this next part – Lauren and Steph were so unconvinced that Padme would stay on Tatooine and not join the Rebellion.

You guys, I was SCREAMING!

And again, they weren’t wrong. I can totally see how they came to that conclusion, how Padme’s choice felt OOC and wrong, and how it does contradict everything we know of her from canon.

And while I have no intention of changing their interpretations of canon, or of my fic I sooooo want to discuss it from my POV. And you know what, again – my bad for not articulating it in a clear enough way. I would probably rewrite this scene if I were to do it again.

Because that contradiction is the point.

This isn’t what Padme would choose. Like she says, she thinks about it. She thinks about going to Bail. That’s her first thought.

But, this fic is meant to show why she can’t.

It’s not that the destination has changed, but she has.

Technically, this fic takes place over the course of a full year. It’s vaguely charted in the growth of the twins (again, tess, you can’t just assume everyone knows baby milestones). At the beginning, Padme is in a state of shock. And so is Obi-Wan…

Let’s get into the kiss.

In a fit of just, complete upset, Padme slaps Obi-Wan. And then she kisses him. She says she hates him. And he does nothing.

This takes place about thhhhhreeeeeeeee??? Months into their time on Tatooine, and for this whole time, Obi-Wan has really done nothing but exist on a cursory, polite surface level. He smiles because it is expected. He farms because he must. He wakes up and functions but he says absolutely nothing about what they’ve gone through.

And Padme cannot stand it anymore.

She feels like she’s on her own. And she tries to make him react. In this, I really wanted to show just how well suited Anakin and Padme were to each other. She likes Obi-Wan. She’s glad he’s with her, but she needs to see him hurt. Because she hurts.  She absolutely takes it WAY TOO FAR.

Obi-Wan turns inward in his pain. Padme explodes outward.

Well, she wants to.

But she CAN’T. Because she has the twins.

Obi-Wan gets to be an automaton, but Padme has to be a mother. She has to engage with Beru and Owen. She has to negotiate at the market. She has to feed, and clothe, and raise her children. She has to BE PRESENT ALL THE TIME. She doesn’t get to be numb.

Is it a comment on the division of emotional labour between men and women? Yyyyyes? But not in a derogatory way. Obi-Wan went through the same thing when Anakin was little and Qui-Gon died, but the difference is this time, Obi-Wan doesn’t have the purpose Padme has. She has the twins. Obi-Wan feels he is entirely superfluous.

This is all related to those messy emotions Lauren and Steph mentioned and which I really love to write. People – even good people – can be ugly. I love it. I truly believe there are no bad emotions, no bad traits. Everything evolved to keep you alive, to protect you. Obi-Wan protects himself with little cruelties. Padme lashes out.

I’m so happy the I hate you moment hit! I thought it was so sick. Had to do it. 

And emotions are also inconsistent, even if motivation or ideology remains stable. So like, the part where Padme looks at Obi-Wan sleeping and is very empathetic – she’s still centering herself. She’s looking at him from the perspective of a mother, and imagining his mother. She is kind and generous in her assessment of him and his suffering here, and at other times, but…

She’s very conscious of it. Obi-Wan is vulnerable in sleep. It’s easy to be kind then. And later, she has all of Anakin’s insight into Obi-Wan, and a lot more patience than Anakin ever had. She understands how Obi-Wan copes. She lets him do what he needs to.

But MONTHS pass. And she’s so tired of carrying it all. She runs out of patience.

Anyway. 

Anakin betrays them. And Padme can do nothing.

Obi-Wan leaves. And Padme can do nothing.

Padme is so frequently stripped of agency by circumstance, and you’re right – in canon, she fights that! She leaps into the fray and takes control.

But she has twins now. Her purpose, but also her burden.

She can’t join the Rebellion. Where would they go? How would they live? Who would take care of Luke and Leia?

If they go to Alderaan, they put a huge target on Bail and intense scrutiny on the Rebellion. They also bring themselves into direct contact with the Empire. If Vader got even a hint that Padme lived he would not stop until she was in his custody. If he knew he had kids? If he knew they were with Obi-Wan? It’s way too dangerous. They are a huge liability. She is a huge liability.

As Luke says, if there’s a bright spot in the galaxy then Tatooine is the place that’s furthest from it.

Tatooine is SAFE. Vader won’t go there, and the Empire doesn’t care about it. Is it run by the Hutts? Yeah. But better Hutts than the Empire, especially because the Hutts don’t care about the little people living day to day. Padme can give the kids a quiet, boring life on Tatooine. She can keep them safe.

And as she sorted the seeds from the sand in chapter one, THAT is her priority. Her kids. They have no one else, and furthermore, if their existence were known they would be targeted, captured, and killed – or worse. She wants to join the Rebellion. She would. But she can’t because she needs to keep Luke and Leia safe.

While Obi-Wan’s reason for staying on Tatooine is a passing on of legacy, and setting down the burden of war (he’s done his time), Padme’s reason for staying is a reassessment of her priorities. Hers is a maturation of responsibility. Sometimes, we can’t do what we want. It sucks. But we’re adults.

“Living in Squalor” though made me LAAAAAAUGH! You’re so right. 

Oh my gosh, she’s tandem carrying! That’s the term. Hahahaha, yeah, poor girl. Lots of tandem carrying, but once Obi-Wan’s back, they’re basically a two-parent household. Plus, the fic sees them building that community. There’s Korkie, there’s Boil, there’s Beru and Owen. Padme screams at Obi-Wan that she’s alone, but by the end she’s not.

And like, in terms of practicality, I think Owen? Obi-Wan? I think there’s mention of them “digging out the cellar”. The idea is that more than half the house is buried, but once they dig out the cellar and reinforce the walls down there, there’s a significant chunk of living space they can utitilise (ie. at least one, if not two bedrooms underground where it’s cooler like we see in the Lars house in ANH).

But yeah, babies in the haffa chest for now!

QUAINT CABIN NOT SQUALOR! 

Lastly, Owen and Beru! Ahahahahaha, I’m so happy Lauren and Steph were charmed by them. And I love their insight on the inversion of protection. In canon, Obi-Wan is there protecting them, but in Eternal Spring, the Lars’ are very much protecting Obi-Wan (and Padme). I thought that was really insightful. God, I love clever readers!

I just quickly wanted to touch on Owen’s grudge against Obi-Wan because yeah, it’s totally silly. I imagine Owen as being very typically masculine, and Tatooine culture being pretty big into gender-roles, though the expression of those roles may not fall directly in line with gender presentation (but that’s another topic).

Anyway, Owen is a dude’s dude. A guy’s guy. You know - a Man™. 

And Obi-Wan is………SO SOFT.

This dude comes into Owen’s house with Trauma. He’s soft-spoken, and polite. He doesn’t speak much, and when he does it’s with a cut-glass accent that sounds so out of place. He listens without interrupting, he doesn’t make ribald jokes. 

And he’s got magic powers.

There are ten thousand Jedi in the entire galaxy. Owen met Anakin once, and he went off the deep end.

Obi-Wan freaks him out. He’s so weird. He is not the kind of person Owen knows how to deal with, and he’s certainly not the kind of guy Owen can relate to. And Beru says to be gentle. Gentle? On Tatooine?

As we see when he’s coaching Padme, Owen doesn’t believe that gentleness or mercy have any place out here. 

The secret is, Owen’s SUPER SOFT underneath. And Beru knows this. Hence why she keeps encouraging Owen to take care of Obi-Wan, to bring him out to mingle with other people. Beru sees that Obi-Wan is collapsing in on himself, and is trying to get Owen to draw him out.

When he nearly dies, Owen is more angry that they almost died. Not at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan is just a convenient punching bag because he doesn’t punch back. If he did, Owen would know how to respond – he’d buy him a drink, and shake his hand.

I think, underneath, Owen really likes Obi-Wan (and we see this at the end when he’s jealous that Obi-Wan went to visit his blood brother, AtasOWEN – an alternate Owen, and also a reference to the old Legends lore that Owen Lars was Kenobi’s half-brother). Owen wants to be Obi-Wan’s family, and he gives him the gift of brotherhood (he tells the whole town that they’re related to protect him, yes, but also because he’s claiming that title). It’s very much one of those “Hey! No one gets to pick on my idiot brother, except me!”

The same way he is gruff and blunt to Luke in ANH, Owen is the same way with Obi-Wan. “Too much of his father in him.” Too much of Anakin in everyone for Owen’s taste. 

But that, again, is on the author to make clear! All these lessons. I’m so thankful that I had this opportunity to listen to such a generous and in-depth analysis of my fic. It’s been fun, informative, and genuinely really instructive in the most supportive and uplifting way.

I highly recommend everyone check out One Hell of a Fanfic here, or on Spotify. Thank you so much for reading my fic, and until next time…

May the Force be with you!

#my fic #podcast #star wars #fic rec #process and stuff #indulge me #padme lives au #Youtube

[sugarpopss]

Pierre and Feedism (kind of ) blurb

I am a paul dano girlie and I wholeheartedly believe that Pierre is an underrated vessel for kinky feedism stuff. I will spare the War and Peace fandom my maddness tho. I made @bucknastysbabe read this thank u for enabling my horny

Feedism with Pierre is more admiration, honestly.

He’s just a really big guy, always has been. He was a big kid, his governess stopped picking him up when he was four. It made him kind of sad and envious to see other children being picked up and swung around and held until they were nine or ten. He’s always felt awkward in his body, taller than adults as a young teenager, bigger than everyone else in the room as an adult. Not particularly unhappy with being fat in specific, but just clumsy and lumbering, like a bull in a china shop. And he’s always been kind of naturally indulgent, eating and drinking more than is maybe necessary. Good food, good conversation and good wine fueled his time in France, and he only got more acquainted with seeking physical pleasure when he returned to Moscow and reunited with Andrei and became part of that group. Pierre is also a nervous eater, at balls volleying between putting hors d'oeuvres and his own foot in his mouth. He’s well aware that he’s a lot of man, takes up alot of space-he’s bumped into enough people to know that. He knows that women don’t find him attractive, really, that they titter and giggle when he’s in the room, that the attraction was in his fortune and nothing else. But it’s Helene who drives the disgust home, who expresses visceral repulsion for everything about him, including his body and appetites, very shortly after their marriage. Then blah blah blah Napoleon character arc cult whatever-He’s got pretty lady (preferably me) and while he knows they’re a better match and she’s got a much kinder heart than Helene (a dead cat probably had a kinder heart then Helene, but still) but its still kind of mind blowing. He didn’t expect to be grabbed by thick love handles during lovemaking, didn’t expect her to place hot, open mouthed kisses on the insides of his fat thighs before taking him in her mouth (didn’t really expect to be taken in her mouth at all, a thing Helene did only once-on their wedding night-an experience that was mostly pleasurable except for the sting to his too-soft heart when she wrinkled her nose upon seeing the  pad of fat around the base his cock).He didn’t expect the hazy, lust addled gaze directed at him from across the table at meals, or the cool, soothing hands on his belly after an afternoon spent stress snacking in his study. 

#something being classic lit means nothing to me #my first kink conversation about basil and sybil from the picture of dorian gray feeding dorian in a tag team #paul dano pierre bezukhov #im just in a mood yknow

[fanfic-lover-girl]

I mentioned in my Makorra vs Kataang post that Mako became insufferable after he started dating. I think it's better said that his character was wasted. He had a moving backstory, has a great relationship with his brother and he's obviously the self-made man type. He and Bolin would be great partners and fathers honestly if they worked out their woman issues.

Nothing wrong with being a bachelor. But when I watched book 4 videos, I felt pity for Mako. His exes get together, his brother gets with Opal, and he's left in a cast. He's just Korra's fight backup guy now. And things weren't peachy for him either. Don't remember how much he talked with Asami after book 3. But his brother is working for Kuvira, Korra is radio silent and he's stuck protecting the most annoying royal in existence.

I watched this video and I was expected mostly relationship blunders or times when Mako was grumpy about something. Instead, I see moments where Mako was not even doing anything wrong. Or moments where he was socially uncomfortable. Some of the scenes are him getting beat up in a fight! What the heck! Does Mako deserve all this hate??

I was indifferent about almost all of the LOK characters, but now I am beginning to have a soft spot for characters like Mako who got the raw end of the deal. Dating Korra was one of the worst things they did to his character. Two bulls in a china shop. Doesn't work. Kind of wished he just stayed with Asami, although no strong feelings for that either. She has a less boorish personality and she has a feminine energy that brought out his softer side. Korra's too caught up in her own issues. All the major scenes of their relationship in book 2 never show her being supportive of him. It's always about her.

I sometimes like stories where a downtown guy gets with an uptown girl but the guy is a hard worker and proves himself worthy to be by her side. That could have been Mako but the guy was done dirty.

#Youtube #lok mako #anti makorra #makasami #korra #asami sato #poor mako #mako deserved better #he had women issues but still #legend of korra #lok #anti korra #makorra was better as platonic friendship

[rahleeyah]

Do you think they'll be a love triangle next season? I just... I'm tired. There was Kathy, Dani, Angela, Flutura and Porter. Do we really need yet another love triangle? It's been nearly 25 years and I'm tired y'all.

I love Barba and his relationship with Olivia. I think he's the best character on SVU since Elliot left. I just don't see a romantic edge to their relationship. Really just a very deeply loving friendship. And I understood why he defended Wheatley even if I didn't like it. (What a great episode that was!)

He was trying to protect her and he doesn't know Elliot. He doesn't know that Elliot is actually a good person. He just sees this guy that hurt his friend very deeply. Sees the bull in a china shop and thinks that's all of who Elliot is. And doesn't want her hurt further. Anyway I'm getting off track.

I know his ILY could be interpreted in many was. It felt romantic coming from him but her response to him: Rafa, I miss you too. Did not feel romantic coming from her. So I am just confused. Like what are they trying to do here?

That whole episode felt like they were trying to compare Olivia's relationship with Elliot to the DV case. Like a long abusive marriage she just can't be free of. Elliot can be aggressive but like... It feels like the writers on 2.0 SVU don't know him at all. He's not an abusive person. He just had an entire arc of him struggling with thinking he was just like his dad and realizing that he wasn't.

And the talk of what Olivia deserves. She deserves happiness and I'm so ready for it! I want her to have it! But I couldn't help but think about what Kathy wrote in the letter. That Olivia deserves a kind and faithful man. Which made it really seem like this episode was saying that Barba was the guy that she deserves because he was trying to protect her and didn't ghost her like Elliot did.

I know WL is gone now so I'm hoping that however comes in doesn't have some weird grudge against Elliot and EO. One that never made any sense to me.

Anyway what do you think will happen? Do think that EO will eventually work it out? Or do you think they'll do this annoying yet another roadblock love triangle thing?

listen fam i got no expectations. zero idea what they're gonna do. i could sit here and tell you that my gut doesn't think there's any reason why we should expect another love triangle - bc there isn't, there isn't any reason - but right this minute there's no reason to expect anything. all we know is that the new seasons are coming, and they said it's gonna pick up where it left off. well ok this past season literally picked up at the end of the svu finale and we all know how that went so. we really don't know anything.

and because we don't know anything, i don't think there's any reason to worry. we have no reason to expect anything, so for now we can just relax, and breathe, and try to wrap our heads around last season.

i did not see rafa's confession as romantic, at all, and raul and m have both said they play it like brother and sister. there are many different types of love and i do think that rafa and liv had a deep bond that is a love in its own way, just not a romantic one. i didn't walk away from that feeling like we were supposed to believe that rafa has been carrying a torch for liv and is bummed she won't fuck him. like that was not the vibe i got at all, so i'm not worried about that. i think like you said he's worried about his friend and he's hurt, which from his perspective is understandable. but friends hurt friends all the time, hurt does not require romantic feelings.

i think the way the last episode cut was deliberately trying to draw that parallel, but crucially i do not think the parallel was there bc that's where the story is going. liv has been told she deserves happiness, and she has been told to try with elliot, and everyone around her is nudging her in his direction. i think cutting the episode that way was a means for certain people to make their opinions known, almost like a protest in the face of where the arc is going. they don't want eo to happen, but it's gonna, so they pout and stomp their feet but they can't stop the train from rolling down the tracks.

and they're wrong. nothing about elliot has ever been abusive towards liv and anyone who watched 1.0 can see that. it's an opinion held by some people out there, but it isn't backed up by canon, and i'm not worried about it.

and even with the way the episode was cut, it would take just a mindboggling amount of hoop jumping to think that it was intended to set up liv/rafa. rafa was not being presented as an alternative to elliot. he was a voice arguing against elliot, and trying to get liv to see what's right in front of her, but even rafa knows liv loves elliot, and there was N O T H I N G in liv's behavior to indicate she was contemplating a romantic entanglement with rafa, or casting one aside. she's still hurt that he doesn't understand why this matters to her, and that he didn't take her feelings into account before he acted on her behalf - which as she tells him, she did not ask him to do. and maybe rafa didn't ghost her but he sure as hell left her, and sure as hell hurt her; he is not blameless, he is not a martyr. he hasn't been faithful, or devoted.

elliot has, tho.

the new guy does not seem to be holding grudges, and he's got an upbeat vibe - unlike WL, who was fucking miserable all the damn time - and that bodes well.

let the antis on twitter tell themselves whatever they want, don't internalize their arguments.

remember that they literally wrote and recorded the benson-stabler love theme. you don't write a love theme for characters who aren't meant to be romantic interests for one another.

it's gonna be fine.

#anonymous #e.o asks #s.vu

[ask-spider-lore]

I am going to talk about Lore's friend group and no one can freaking stop me, You're Not My Dad

When Peter entered elementary school, his reclusive nature and penchant for writing and drawing as opposed to socializing prevented him from having very many friends. That is, until another kid in his class, one Gwen Stacy, marched up to him on a dare and demanded to know what he was doing. Flustered at being addressed in such a straightforward fashion, Peter immediately began over-explaining the comic book series that he had thought up, and when Gwen offered to help him color his artwork, he accepted her offer without thinking. Since that day, the two had been Best Buds.

However, due to his family's financial struggles showing in his wardrobe, compounded with the fact that he was neurodivergent (specifically autistic), Peter often became a subject for bullying among his classmates. Gwen tried her best to defend him, but Peter simply assured her that it did not bother him, so as to get her to stop advocating on his behalf, which he saw as a sign of his own weakness. One day, the rich kid on campus, Harry Osborn, began to tease Peter, and in an attempt to defend himself, Peter punched him in the face. The next day, Harry sat next to Peter at lunch as if nothing had happened, and since that day, Peter, Gwen, and Harry were a steadfast friend group.

Once Peter became Spidey, Mary-Jane Watson entered his life with all the grace and subtlety of a bull entering a china shop. She immediately began to tease him on what little social media he had as Spider-Man, telling him that she had figured out his secret identity. Though this freaked Peter out quite severely, she did not hold this over his head, simply using it as a bargaining chip to become a part of his inner circle. She really only wanted to be Peter's friend, and had a rather strange way of going about it.

They're all wonderful and I love them :)

#ooc post #spidersona

[roughentumble]

i am so goddamn sick of people who dont know what omegaverse is making videos and reviews of omegaverse shit and pointing and laughing and going "oh my god those FREAKS with their WEIRD KNOTTING FICTION" who have nothing original to say and no insight into what they're reading. they all say the same shit over and over because theyre not actually a part of the community, and they never give any good or meaningful feedback on whatever they read because they literally dont know what its like.

ive read awesome omegaverse fanfiction, and they all have intricately held rules and worldbuilding that has slowly been built up and agreed upon by the community at large, and these fucking assholes just trundle in like bulls in a china shop going "UMMMM DOES THE BABY COME OUT OF THE BUTT? WHAT ABOUT ALPHA FEMALES" as if these arent questions that have been thoroughly answered by the community at large and feature all the time in omegaverse fanfiction.

and dont even get me STARTED on published omegaverse novels because that shit is NOT OMEGAVERSE, they never ever get the dynamics right, they never ever have alpha females with omega males, theyre always het even though the vast majority of omegaverse fanfiction(the birthing ground of omegaverse) is queer, they always try and ~do their own thing~ which you CANT DO THATS NOT WHAT OMEGAVERSE IS and always amounts to just watering it all down so its no longer either an incredibly hot porn concept OR an excuse to play with gender roles and social dynamics in a safe space!!! it just falls the fuck apart, and people read it and think omegaverse sucks when it DOESNT its just that the published novels are so goddamn bad!!!

thats what gets mainstream, so people come into it from there and rag on it, and then move on laughing as if they made some grand statement summing up the whole of it when they didntttt they didnt even scratch the surfaceeee it makes me so MAD

and not!!! every werewolf romance!!! is fucking omegaverse!!!! 99.9% are NOT OMEGAVERSE, theyre just romances that involve werewolves!!! omegaverse has no werewolves in it at all!!! not even a little!!!! why are you ragging on omegaverse in a book review of a shifter romance between a werewolf and a non-secondary-sex-having VAMPIRE!!!! she isnt a fucking omega!!!!! it isnt omegaverse!!!! im going to attack you with branches!!!!!