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howemancing · 3 years

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WIP Wednesday

I’m going to pretend @dreadfutures tagged me because she said it was open. I started a Flufy Modern AU one shot version of my main OC Elspeth Cousland and Nathaniel Howe which has been a ton of fun to play in. Problem is, I need to work on the pacing, because my main pair just spend the entire time teasing each other. One day I’ll come back and turn this into a fully fledged fic. I’ve never posted stories directly to tumblr before so this is about to be an adventure in HTML -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Soldering pedals was one of Elsa’s great joys in life. It was simple, straightforward, necessary, and immediately rewarding. Working on music could be richly satisfying in its own right, of course, but sometimes she just wanted a project with a clear goal and obvious outcome. And as a bonus, she could listen to whatever tracks she or her collaborators had made, with half a mind to future tweaks even as she worked.

Shadow suddenly perked up at her feet, a sure sign that Delilah was home, before turning into a barking dancing ball of energy as she raced towards the doorway. Her mutt was just barely well trained enough not to bump her owner while she was working, but it made her nervous all the same.

“Hey, ‘Lilah, because I know you love me, would you be willing to take the monster out while you’re still bundled up?” she called out in amusement. “I’m just in shorts and a sweater over here.” She didn’t hear a response, but her faithful mutt’s barking began to get more muted, even through her headphones.

She let herself get caught up in her work once more, finishing the last few wires that needed attaching. Elsa Cousland stood, stretching energy into stiff limbs, wandering over to their kitchen to check on the stewing cordero al vino. Soon enough, she heard the barking of Shadow in the hallway, apparently particularly excitable tonight as she returned. Her faithful mutt didn’t usually stay hyper this long when Delilah came home.

Keys jingled in the doorway, letting in the hyperactive pup, but Elsa’s attention was caught up blowing on the broth, eager to sample if it was coming along alright. “Geez, Lilah, do you have bacon in your pocket or something?”

“Heard a number of odd pick up lines before, but that one’s rather new,” a different, comforting voice graveled at her. Elsa started in surprise. It can’t be, she thought, even as she whirled. Nathaniel Howe was leaning in the doorway. Of course there was a faint smirk on his face, helmet in hand, and he would choose to look quite so dashing in his snow dusted leather coat. “But yes, I am happy to see you.”

“NATE!” she breathlessly enthused, dropping the spoon and launching herself at the man.

He grinned, catching her into a tight hug, wonderful chuckles rumbling through his chest. Despite the cold he brought in, warmth of a different kind seared through her.

“Hey, Elsa,” he breathed, his cologne such a wonderful, familiar scent. “Miss me?”

“You can’t possibly need to ask, you dork,” she murmured back, voice muffled by his chest. She pulled back to beam up at him, trying to ignore how easily he made her heart flip. Piercing grey eyes crinkled at her, peering past that wonderful aquiline nose. A faint blush from winter’s cold colored his cheeks, all while a smile danced across his lips. His sharp chin sporting that same soul patch she remembered so well.

Nathaniel Howe, back after over a year of international travel. Smiling at her, daring to act even a fraction as happy to see her as she was him.

She shoved down her pounding heart with firm internal rebuke. She didn’t have a crush on the man anymore, really. Clearly this was just the affection of having missed a man she cared dearly for - as a friend! Her energy would settle soon enough.

Around their feet, her mutt danced, still bouncing ecstatically, and one particularly affectionate bump nearly knocked Elsa over if Nathaniel hadn’t tightened his hug and righted her. “Shadow, couch,” she ordered with exasperation, and obediently the dog quieted, following her owner’s command. Ponderously she climbed on, mournfully huffing as she curled up on the cushion. Large, sad puppy eyes demanded an explanation for such a betrayal, but her supposedly morose demeanor was rather cut by a wagging tail steadily thumping on the cushions.

“It’s so wonderful to see you,” Elsa repeated warmly to Nate. “I missed you so much. I can’t believe you’re here! Have you had dinner? Can you stay? I’m making cordero al vino. Ori’s recipe.”

“It smells amazing, but I don’t want to trouble you,” Nathaniel demurred.

“Doctor Nathaniel Howe! Don’t be ridiculous, do you see the size of that pot? Besides, I will not be denied the chance to play host, or the pleasure of your company,” she growled, playfully thumping him in the chest.

“I am still not used to that title,” he mused, shaking his head, eyes crinkling with amusement. She giggled. “I’ll have to help you get used to it then, Dr. Howe. Indiana Jones wannabe-”

“Great, good. Years in the field and that’s never gotten old.”

“Professional artifact thief.”

“I am not a thief, I do nothing of the sort! I don’t even - I work in Greece, I’m mostly just surveying, and you - ah. You know this, of course you know this, and you’re winding me up.” Nathaniel sighed, rubbing his nose and trying not to smirk. “Why am I such an easy mark for you?”

Her brown eyes sparkled with humorous delight, grin bursting past all efforts to control it. “I mean, that goes both ways and you know it,” she pointed out, and he had to smirk, dipping his head in concession. “Please, settle in, make yourself at home. I should warn you, I’m likely to strongly insist you stay the night.”

“Oh?”

She gestured out the window. “Look at the weather. Did you really not know a major winter storm was coming? I don’t even want Delilah taking public in this, though I imagine she’s thinking the same. Her decision, in the end.”

He hesitated, frame stilling as he shed his coat. “Oh. Just you and me, then?”

Nerves flashed through her. She kept her tone light, offhand. “Is that a problem? Need me to invite other friends?”

“Of course not, but I feel bad for interrupting your, ah, special date night. And I don’t mean to force you to entertain me.”

She rolled her eyes, exasperated, worries settled. “Nathaniel. It’s fine. I’d really prefer you didn’t try and take your bike in the storm that’s about to hit, but I’ll not pressure you. If you can put up with a slightly more humble abode than you’re used to, oh mighty Doctor Nathaniel-”

“-I feel as though you vastly overestimate the lifestyle of a non medical doctor.”

“-we’d be more than happy to have you stay. Especially for safety’s sake. If you can’t fit on the couch, you can stay in my bed.” He raised an eyebrow at her and she flushed, quickly continuing as if nothing were wrong. “Instead of me! I can sleep out here, I’ve spent more than one night on this couch.”

He smiled faintly, though his eyes looked distant. “I’m sure both you and Delilah have.”

“If it weighs on the scale, I’d like to pester you with a thousand questions as your rent for the night. Plus, you’ll have to give that shameless flirt - the one with a tail - all the attention she craves.”

Nathaniel grinned, piercing grey eyes sparkling and flipping her stomach in knots. “Such a price. Are you trying to threaten me with a good time? You know I’d pay it a dozen times over.” Her heart pounded within her, but she shoved that down. Nathaniel loved dogs. “But wouldn’t I just be in your way?”

“Nate, don’t joke like that. I haven’t seen you in forever!”

“A year and a half!” She huffed at him, and he quickly held up his hands in a gesture of surrender. “I just thought you’d rather - well. I appreciate the offer. Hm.” He checked out the window, noticing the snow flakes getting thicker. “Maybe I will take you up on it, at least for tonight. Mind if I go down and cover my bike, then?”

“Excellent! Good choice,” she praised, and his eyes crinkled in amusement. “And go for it. Dinner should be ready in another ten minute or so.”

“I look forward to it. And the promised thousand questions,” he added with a faint smirk, heading out.

Elsa watched him go, double checking on the lamb with sudden nerves, buzzing with excitement that wasn’t suspicious. It was normal to be this happy to see an old friend. Those butterflies were just clearly the natural excitement of being surprised. But the growing snow worried her, so she found her phone to make sure her roommate wasn’t enroute, and realized she’d missed several texts from Delilah

Nathaniel’s back in down, you don’t mind if I invite him to dinner, right?

Hey

Check your damn phone buttface. He’s on his way.

Also I’m going to stay at Albert’s tonight. It’s much closer and work held me up. If you end up fucking my brother, please don’t tell me.

I lied, please tell me

No don’t.

Look tell me but I don’t want details. I just want to know it happened finally.

Exasperated, she rolled her eyes, and set about responding.

Fucks sake, I’m sorry! I was working on soldering, alright? It’s fine, your brother’s here safely, happy to see him and entertain. He’s going to stay the night

No I’m not gonna sleep with him. Have to get him drunk first so he’ll even want to and that makes the whole thing too bleh for me

Can’t believe you abandoned me on date night, bitch

I’m kidding. Glad you’re staying with Albert but duh. Even without snow, when was the last time you spent the night here? Tell them I said hi

Soon enough, Nathaniel returned, and was promptly attacked by Shadow. He pretended at irritation, but a smirking grin kept fighting against his scowl even as she twined around his legs and forced him to sit with her on the couch.

Elsa smiled, watching him rubbing Shadow’s belly to her obvious delight, letting him have a moment of calm. Soon enough, though, he looked up, raising an eyebrow. “So quiet all of a sudden, should I be nervous? I believe you threatened me with a thousand questions.”

“Just giving you a moment to settle in!” she defended solicitously.

A faint half smirk traced his lips. “Consider me settled.”

It was like a floodgate releasing. “How’s Greece? Are you still doing GIS? Were you able to start any digs, discover any good sites, and find any exciting sherds? Meet any interesting new people?”

Nathaniel chuckled, and his eyes briefly went unfocused, clearly trying to keep track of each of her questions. “Rapid fire questions get rapid fire answers. Greece is good, surveying is excellent, I think we've identified a very interesting new site, specifically because yes, we found a number of interesting sherds. And no, nobody particularly interesting we haven’t already emailed about.” He shook his head, bemused. “This isn’t even your kind of field, and you’re not my family, forced to pretend. How do you remember this much? Even Delilah glazes over whenever I try to explain it.”

“Please, you underestimate how interesting you make things. Besides, ‘Lilah always remembers, she’s just trying to yank your soul patch. Which I note you still have, and so I’ve now lost a bet with her.”

Self consciously, Nathaniel stroked it. “I think it looks good.”

“It does,” she soothed with a teasing grin. “I just didn’t think those were easy to maintain. Surprised you can keep up such careful grooming in the field.”

“Some things are worth the effort. Besides, you’re one to talk! You’re here in the middle of a city, and yet your hair’s getting so long,” he retorted. “When’s the last time you got a haircut?”

She mockingly gasped theatrically, tossing her long auburn hair. She hoped it would cascade beautifully but realistically knew she was just getting a floofy mess and shedding behind her. “Hey, I get it trimmed regularly. Besides, don’t you mock my hair, it’s my only good feature, Nate!” she baited him, raising a teasing eyebrow.

“That’s not even slightly true,” he protested.

“How very dare you, good sir. I can’t believe you just called my hair ugly.”

“I did nothing of the sort.”

“I work so hard on it, too!”

“Your hair is beautiful, and so is-”

Theatrically she pressed a hand to her forehead, sighing dramatically. “And now Nathaniel Howe, Expert P-H-D, just called it ugly. Alas! I’ve disappointed my dear Delilah’s brother. Now she’ll hate me too. Curse my miserable existence! I suppose there’s no help for it, I’ll just have to shave it all off.”

Nathaniel was outright laughing by the time her performative and overwrought display was done. “So dramatic. You are such a ridiculous ham,” he teased her. “You would never do such a thing. You know your hair is beautiful.”

She grinned at him, joy bursting out of her too much to be contained. “Can’t help the drama. I’m too excited, it’s hard to play at calm.” She performatively covered her mouth, then, and by the time she removed her hand, her smile was slightly better controlled, though her twinkling eyes betrayed her still. “Sorry, I promise I’ll try to settle down again. This is what you get for surprising me, Nate. My favorite - one of my favorite people is back in town, I’m a little eager!”

He settled slightly, smiling warmly at her, grey eyes dancing with light that made her heart flip within her. “Favorite? Please. Don’t exaggerate, you heartbreaker,” he teased, and as she geared up to protest, he continued, eyes softer, careful smile dancing on his features. “I missed you too, Elsa. It’s - it’s really good to see you again, energy and all. Especially that, actually. I loved your emails but they always lack a little something compared to seeing you face to face.”

She smiled warmly back, trying not to flush. “I know what you mean,” she agreed. “I’m so glad you could come back early. How long are you back this time?”

“Likely a couple years, actually. We’ve all but got the permit to dig in Greece so now it’s just applying for grants for awhile until we have enough to fund an actual dig. I’m probably going to be staying near the university, working on data analysis and grant and paper writing.”

Elsa tried not to let her tremor of excitement show. Cool as a cucumber. Casual. Not at all a silly, lovesick girl. Because it would be ridiculous. She couldn’t actually be still crushing on a man she should have the good sense to get over by now.

But.

A part of her couldn’t help but note this would be the first time in years they’d be local and single for an appreciable time frame. Most of Nathaniel’s graduate career had been intercut with international travel spanning for months on end, often rarely spending more than a season in the country. Last time he was in town for 6 consecutive months, she’d been dating Sebastian, and before that, he’d had some long distance relationship with someone or other. Alvina? Elvira? Damn, she probably shouldn’t be forgetting that.

Nerves would betray her, so she diverted to practical matters. “Oh? That’s wonderful to hear. Where will you be staying?”

“Mostly working out of the university, so I’ll probably settle in with father while I look for a place around here.”

Elsa made a face even as she poured herself a glass of wine. “You really want to live with your father? I thought you didn’t get along with him either.”

Nathaniel sighed, shrugging. “Well, I didn’t exactly have an alternative set up. It’s just to tide me over until I can get an apartment.”

“Stay here!” she insisted. “We can put you up for however long it takes to find a place.”

“That’s a kind offer, but I’m not sure Delilah would appreciate it.”

“‘Lilah would much rather you stay here than with your father, trust me,” Elsa pressed, taking a seat on the couch with him. “Double check with her if you prefer, but I’ll put money down I’m right.”

“I’ll think about it,” Nathaniel demurred. “I’d rather not, ah. Be in either of your way, though. Wouldn’t it be awkward to have the older brother around, looming over you two?”

What a strange way to phrase things. But Nathaniel tended to be more careful in his word choice than others, and Elsa knew she’d probably thrown him off already with her energy and offer. “Not at all. I intend to be shameless regardless of your presence. We can have late night slumber parties!” she insisted cheerfully.

Nathaniel’s face flushed slightly, then, though it was hard to tell why. Nathaniel was a flirt himself, and quite smooth about it, so the idea that he was flustered from her flirtations was hard to buy. But then, it was possible she was coming across stronger than she realized. Best to back off, then. “Well, it’s your choice, but offer’s on the table.”

“I’ll talk with Delilah.”

#Howesland #f!cousland x nathaniel howe #Nathaniel Howe #Modern AU #Fanfiction #wip

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allisondraste · 5 years

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Temperance (28/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Story Summary: Nathaniel and Elissa were childhood friends, but time and distance tore them apart. In the aftermath of the Fifth Blight, and Ferelden’s Civil War, both Elissa and Nathaniel must attempt reconstruct their tattered lives. As a series of events lead them to be reunited, both are reminded of so many years ago when things were much simpler.

Chapter Summary: Liss celebrates a solemn eighteenth birthday with a dog, a duel, and her whole family.

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Highever, 9:25 Dragon

Dear Nate,

I feel like such a little fool for writing a third letter after the first two have gone unanswered. Maybe I am. Maybe I’ve always been ridiculous for thinking that you cared about me. Maybe I fooled myself. It is so very in character for me to run away with my imagination, after all.

I keep telling myself that this is just you doing that irritating thing you do where you shut down instead of feel things. When you were here, it was so easy to snap you out of it. I could knock on your door until the knocking was more annoying than the feelings. I could send Fergus to tease you out of your head. I could see your face, see in your eyes that you didn’t actually hate me. You were just sad.

It’s harder to do that without you here. I can’t tell if you’re annoyed with me or relieved that I am still bothering to care, even though you’re being an absolute arse, and I would be completely justified for hating you, tossing down my pen, and forgetting you ever existed. At this point, I kind of wish I could. It would hurt less, at least.

Maybe you’ve found someone else. If that’s the case, I’m glad. I’m happy that one of us has the ability to move on. Please feel free to forget I ever said anything about being in love with you. I’d be content with just having my friend back.

I guess that’s what hurts the most. I spent my whole childhood with you by my side. You were the person who I ran to whenever I was hurt or upset, the person I told all of my silly stories to, the person I trusted with all my secrets. I also spent a lot of time being there for you. I dealt with your cold shoulder when your father was around. I dealt with your moodiness. I dealt with all of it because that’s what best friends do.

Maker, Nate, I’m not asking you to marry me. I am asking you to be my best friend again. Please.

Love,

Liss

P.S. Fergus says hello. He also says that if he ever sees you again he is going to hug you first, then kick your arse. I told him he’d have to beat me to it.

Liss folded the parchment, slid it into an envelope, and sealed it with a wax stamp that bore her family crest, a ritual she completed each year in the hope that it would summon her friend’s head out of his own arse. Alas, she wasn’t a mage, and her letters would go unanswered, as Nate forgot she existed. Tears burned hot in her eyes, but she would not let them fall. Not this time.

A warm, heavy weight fell on her lap, accompanied by a soft huff and she laughed, looking down to see the massive, honey-colored mabari that lay his head on her.

She gave him a gentle scratch behind the ears, causing his entire rear end to wiggle. “You worry about me too much, Bear.”

Bear raised up and barked in objection.

“Oh, now you just sound like my mother,” she teased, and the dog panted happily, before rolling over and presenting his belly to be scratched. “Nuh-uh, Nope. Not after that tone, mister.”

Bear whimpered, rose to his paws, and slinked over to the corner of the room, where he plopped down on the floor to sulk and stare at Liss with big, pitiful eyes.

Liss unintentionally became Bear’s chosen partner nearly a year prior. She’d wandered into the kennels to search for Fergus, and the dog who was little more than a puppy, ran to her immediately. Fergus arrived several moments later entirely disgusted. He’d been trying to get one of the dogs to imprint on him since he was a boy, with no luck. Now, he insisted on referring to Bear as “not a real warhound” and “an oversized lap dog.” He was just jealous.

Ignoring the hounds pity party, Liss placed the envelope aside and picked up another that was addressed to her in familiar, elegant handwriting. She tore the seal.

Dear Liss,

Happy birthday, sweet friend! I hope this letter finds you well, and that it arrives on (or at least very near) your actual birthday. Otherwise I fear this might seem somewhat strange. Then again, you’ve always been rather fond of strange. How else could you have put up with my brothers and I for all of these years.

I apologize that it has been so long since I last wrote to you. Things have been… uncomfortable since Nathaniel left, and they’ve only gotten worse. Tom is completely self-destructive. I am waiting for the day when he snaps at Father. It would be unfair of me to expect him to have as much restraint as Nate, to always take everything on his shoulders so that everything would be as peaceful as it could be. We miss him dearly.

I sometimes think all of our problems would be solved if by brothers could trade places. Thomas would get his freedom from Father he’s always wanted, and Nate could be home, behaving in an annoyingly responsible fashion.

Maybe he also would not insist on ignoring everyone who cares about him. I know he probably still hasn’t written to you either. I am not a fighter like you are, but I am smart, and I know what to say to break him with my words. I have yet to pay him back for destroying my favorite doll when we were little, after all.

Sorry— I know the last thing you probably want to talk about is my family life or my bull-headed brother . I just… well, there is nobody else to talk to. It’s lonely more times than not. How are you doing? How is Fergus? Little Oren? He must be growing so fast!

I hope that I can visit you soon!

Much Love,

Delilah

Liss wiped a stubborn tear from her face. She had nearly forgotten her own birthday. Bear was at her side again, nudging her with his nose. She placed her hand on his head to acknowledge his comfort and then sighed. Poor Delilah.

She pulled another piece of parchment from her desk. She did not know what to say to Delilah, but she’d not let that keep her from sending a response. Letters deserved answers even if they were hard.

Dear Delilah,

You have excellent timing, as always. Thank you for reminding me of my own birthday. Whatever would I do without you?

I am so sorry to hear that things have been difficult for you since Nathaniel left. I wish there were something I could say to make things better, but I have not even learned what to say to myself. I’m not convinced that words help anything at all. I miss Nate, too. I only hope that he is all right.

My family and I are well! Fergus is a proud pop, and just as doting of a father as I would have expected of him. Oren is absolutely getting so big and I’ve spoiled him already. I think Oriana may resent me for that.

Anyway, it is lovely to hear from you, my friend. You should come visit soon. The summer festival perhaps? I’d love to see you.

Love,

Liss

Just as Liss finished the letter and sealed the envelope, there was a knock at the door, and Bear barked immediately, scurrying over to claw at the wooden surface. He wagged his tail playfully, and she was assured that whoever it was on the other side was safe. Not that anyone unsafe had ever been at her door.

Liss hopped up and rushed to open the door, shushing the excited hound and holding him back by the collar so that he didn’t immediately tackle her visitor.

“Ser Gilmore,” she said, smiling as she saw the young knight’s bright red hair and brown eyes. He was obviously proud of his newly granted knighthood, and flattered by Liss’ remembrance of it, as he held his chin up proudly, even as a pink tint spread over his face.

“Thank you Lady Cousland,” he said, “Most people have yet to become accustomed to me no longer being a squire.”

“By most people, do you happen to mean my brother?” Liss shifted her weight and placed a hand on her hip.

Ser Gilmore laughed and scratched the back of his neck. “He is the biggest offender, my lady.”

“I’ll wag my finger at him about it for you,” Liss promised, winking.

“You are too kind, my lady.”

“Anyway, I am sure you didn’t come to talk about my brother. What do you need?”

“Well,” the man began, looking down at the floor, “I wanted to ask if you might be willing to spar with me, my lady.”

“You know that I am always up for a fight.” Liss said, then furrowed her brows, “But why?”

“That Grey Warden, Duncan, is here looking for recruits.”

“He is? Huh. I didn’t know you wanted to be a Grey Warden.”

“It is a childhood dream of mine. The Grey Wardens are heroes, and they only allow the best among their ranks.”

Ser Gilmore became more and more animated as he spoke. Liss understood completely. She’d read of Grey Wardens her whole life. She asked her father a thousand times if she could join some day. His answer was always the same chuckle and resounding “no.” Helping Ser Gilmore was the closest she’d ever get to that glistening griffon armor.

“You hope to impress Duncan by fighting me? A girl? The daughter of the Teyrn?” She meant none of her words, but she’d heard them enough it was instinct to toss them out before anyone else could. She knew damn well she was twice as good a fighter as half of her father’s army. She was three times better than Fergus, and she didn’t let him forget it.

As if reading her mind, Ser Gilmore flashed her a knowing smile. “There is no more worthy opponent in Highever, my lady.”

Liss snorted. “Well, now I have to do it. Flatterer.”

“I speak only the truth.” He nodded humbly. “Thank you, my lady. I will be waiting down in the courtyard whenever you are ready.”

Ser Gilmore bowed and turned to walk away, and Liss closed the door behind him so that she could put on her gambeson and grab her sword. It was a rusty blade that she’d taken from the barracks just a couple years before, but it was her favorite, and she didn’t want any of the castle guards to use it. In the corner of the room, where the broadsword leaned against the wall, a longbow and quiver of arrows lay as well. Before she picked up the blade, she took the bow in her hands, running her thumb across the letter N that was etched into the wood. She didn’t want the castle guards to use it either.

Outside, the castle was quiet, little more than the pattering of rain against stone to fill the air. It had been that way for weeks now, ever since news reached Highever that King Maric was missing, presumed dead. Ferelden lost its great leader, and even the weather mourned him. Liss knew such superstitions were silly, but she could find little other explanation for the exceptionally cool, rainy weather in the second week of Justinian. Cailan had some big, gregarious shoes to fill.

Ser Gilmore stood alone near the sparring area, hand on the hilt of his blade and looking up at the battlements, clearly watching for signs of Duncan. The Grey Warden had a knack for showing up at opportune moments, and Liss had no doubt he would appear during their duel. Bear ran ahead of her to greet the knight and she quickened her pace to keep up with him.

Ser Gilmore gave the hound a scratch behind the ears, which seemed to satisfy him and he walked over to lay under the awning of a shed, watching the match where he could be dry. Smart boy. Liss, on the other hand, regretted that she hadn’t taken the time to braid her hair, or pull it back in any sort of fashion, as the long curls stuck to her face and neck. Annoying, but not a hindrance.

“You ready, Soldier,” Liss teased, drawing her sword from its sheath strapped on her back, and adjusting her grip so that the hint sat comfortably in her hands.

“So long as you are, Lady Cousland,” Ser Gilmore replied, sliding his longsword from his sheath and lifting his shield that bore the laurel branch crest.

A smirk twitched at the corner of Liss’ mouth and she took a deep breath before charging at her opponent, swinging her sword forcefully, so that it crashed into his shield and staggered him. He nearly lost his balance, but managed to stabilize himself in enough time to swing at her. She parried, and prepared to hit him again. They were a good match skillswise, and they and spent several minutes exchanging blows, back and forth, over and over, as the clanking of steel against steel filled the somber air. Liss could have beaten him at any moment were she to fight dirty, but Ser Gilmore was a Knight, and it would be unfair to be anything but honorable. It was not long until they both were too winded to continue, each pausing to catch their breath.

“You’ve shaped up,” Liss commented through gasps of air.

“You as well,” Ser Gilmore said, laughing and sounding just as out of breath as she was.

Three slow claps echoed from across the Courtyard, and both snapped their heads toward the direction of the sound. Just as Liss expected, Duncan was there, arriving just in time to see the fight. Papa stood next to him, wearing a proud grin.

“Well done,” Duncan said, “Both of you.”

“Thank you,” Ser Gilmore remarked with a nod of his head.

“Yes, thank you,” Liss added, following suit.

“Bryce, are you certain I can’t take them both,” Duncan asked, looking at her father with a wide grin.

“You may take neither of them,” Papa replied, and Ser Gilmore appeared to deflate beside her, “At least not yet. Ser Gilmore here may be young, but he’s one of the best we have. I would hate to see him gone so soon after being knighted. Perhaps in a few years he will be ready to move on.” He glanced at the young knight and winked, causing him to sigh in relief.

“And your daughter,” Duncan asked, seeming to prod her father even further.

“Never,” Papa answered quickly, “Even If Elissa wished to join—“

“I do, Papa,” Liss interjected and he shook his head.

“— It wouldn’t be a proper role for her. She has responsibilities to our family. Not to mention, Eleanor would never allow it. Not her darling girl, not ever.”

“I understand.” Duncan nodded solemnly, and turned to offer Liss and Ser Gilmore a kind smile, before looking back at her father. “Is there anyone else?”

“Yes. Right this way.” Papa motioned to Duncan with his hand and the two men walked away.

Liss turned to face Ser Gilmore, and reached out to clap him on the shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

“There is nothing to be sorry for, my lady,” he answered, placing his gloved hand over her own that remained on his pauldron and meeting her gaze with a soft, crooked smile.

He loved her in his own way. She could tell in the look of reverence on his face each time he spoke to her. It was in his constant attention to her safety and comfort even when he wasn’t on duty. She should have been delighted to have the unwavering affection of a handsome knight. Delilah would have been. A much younger, more imaginative Liss would have been. It had been a fanciful little girl dream for a knight in shining armor to swoop in and win her heart. She was not sure when that changed, when the desire for powerful, earth shattering romance disappeared, but it had. She wished, more than anything, to be her own knight in shining armor, and to win her own heart back. If it decided to return from the Free Marches of it’s own accord, well, she wouldn’t mind that either.

It would have been simpler if Ser Gilmore didn’t love her. Maybe then she could let herself get lost in the fantasy, forget about grumpy, raven-haired boys that wouldn’t return her letters. However, Ser Gilmore was the kindest of kind men, and she wouldn’t use him like that, especially considering that it could get him in all sorts of trouble for fraternizing with one of his charges. No, if she wanted a distraction, she’d have to find someone else.

Liss had barely gotten dried off and settled in her quarters with a book and Bear’s head across her lap, when another knock thumped on her door. It was to the rhythm of Andraste’s Mabari, and Liss laughed and shook her head, before Bear had the chance to bark at it. She hopped up and ran to the door eagerly.

“Fergus,” she said before she even opened the door to see her brother’s goofy grin and pudgy little Oren in his arms, big brown eyes framed by dark brown curls. He had a wooden soldier figurine in his mouth. Oriana stood behind them smiling pleasantly.

“Oren, tell auntie Liss happy birthday,” Fergus said, bouncing him up and down a few times, “She’s all grown up now.” Oren took the soldier out of his mouth and made some barely intelligible noise that she figured was supposed to be “happy birthday,” then giggled and reached for her with both arms.

Her heart swelled. “Oh come here, you handsome boy,” she cooed as she took him from Fergus’ arms to hold him at her hip with one arm. He tangled his little hands in her damp hair and she knew it was only a matter of time before it would be in his mouth, too. She looked up at Fergus and Oriana, motioning for them to come inside.

“Happy birthday, sis,” Fergus said, wrapping an arm around her and kissing the top of her head.

“Happy birthday, Elissa,” Oriana chimed in, extending out a small, beautifully wrapped package, which Liss took with her free hand. “Fergus insisted on picking it out, but I wrapped it for him.”

“I hope you like it,” Fergus stated proudly.

“Here, Oren, help me out,” she said holding the package up to him. He released a fistful of her hair to grab hold of one end of the deep purple ribbon. Liss pulled the package away from him, so that the ribbon came loose and the packaging fell away, revealing a small, leatherbound journal. On the front, it had a large letter E in script, surrounded by a wreath of laurel branches.

“Oh,” Liss remarked hoarsely, a lump forming in her throat, “It’s beautiful. Thank you.”

“It’s been a long time since you wrote anything except letters,” Fergus explained, “I figured I could help with that. I do miss sneaking into your room and reading all of your stories.”

“I’m still not over that invasion of privacy, you know,” Liss stated tersely.

“That’s fine,” he replied with a shrug.

The door creaked open again, and her parents entered the room. Mama rushed immediately to her to dote upon Oren, taking him from her arms and humming one of her old pirate songs to him. Oriana appeared to be only a little bit irritated by the notion. Papa walked on more slowly, appearing to hold something behind his back. His smile stretched the entirety of his face causing his eyes to wrinkle up at the sides.

“You have something for me there, Papa,” Liss teased, walking over to meet him. Everyone watched as he pulled a sword from behind his back and handed it to her. She took it with both hands, wrapping one around the filigreed hilt to slide it from its sheath. It was the most beautiful weapon she’d ever seen, so beautiful that it was disarming. An interesting choice for a broadsword, but she could not have adored it any more.

“Happy birthday, pup,” her papa spoke up, voice cracking with emotion, “Your mother and I are so proud of the young lady you’ve grown into. We couldn’t think of a more fitting gift for our girl.”

Returning the sword to its sheath and setting it against the wall, she ran to him, and he embraced her in the warm, fatherly way he always had, squeezing tightly. “Thank you,” she said, and then pulled back away to look at everyone in the room, her family, and her heart felt so full. “Thank you all.”

For a moment, the missing piece didn’t seem so large. She didn’t feel so alone.

#dragon age #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #cousland #howesland #temperance #update

40 notes · View notes

allisondraste · 5 years

Text

Temperance (25/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Chapter Summary: Unable to sleep, Nathaniel decides to do what he should have done a long time ago.

Notes: I know the entire story is marked for this, but I just wanted to add a brief TW reminder for discussion of trauma and posttraumatic symptoms.

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Denerim, 9:31 Dragon

Nathaniel closed the door to his room and leaned back against it with a sigh. His heartbeat pounded in his chest, throbbed in his ears, and his head was spinning. He made the journey to Denerim specifically to see Liss, and still he was completely unprepared for the staggering reality of standing in the same room with her for the first time in nine years. He had nearly forgotten the effect she had on him, how hard it was to breathe around her without the words spilling out. Years of hiding and denying, telling himself she was his past and not his future, ignoring her letters, becoming involved with other people, and he still loved her just as much as he did the night they kissed on her bedroom floor.

He should have written to her. The girl he loved his entire life wrote him a letter confessing that she loved him too, and he had been a coward. What was he so afraid of? His father? The distance? The lung-crushing, overwhelming fear that he would love her like that forever and never get to be with her? He laughed bitterly and flopped down on his bed. The joke was on him, wasn’t it? His father was dead, he was just down the hall from her, and he was paralyzed. How could he tell her his feelings now? If he could go back in time and kick his own stupid eighteen year-old arse, he would.

Still, he could not dismiss the hope that blossomed in his chest. Despite everything that had happened in the time they were apart, despite Liss’ new sharp edges and bitterness, she still ran to him and embraced him, told him she missed him. That couldn’t mean nothing, could it?

Nathaniel inhaled, and breathed out a long, slow breath in an attempt to quiet his restless mind and soothe his restless body so that he could sleep. He did not actually want to sleep, discouraged by the threat of taint-fueled nightmares looming over him. He rarely wanted to sleep anymore. He wondered if they would ever go away.

Just as he began to drift off, a knock at the door jolted him upright, and he was thankful he had not bothered to undress. He slid out of bed and rushed to the door, only partially wondering who might be knocking at such a late hour. It was something Liss had always done. Had she come back?

He pulled the door open and flinched at the dark hair and pale eyes looking up at him. Definitely not Liss.

“Lucia,” he asked furrowing his eyebrows and blinking a few times. Her tired eyes and nose were swollen and red from crying, although her face was dry now. Every bit of it was out of character for the stoic, put-together woman.

She eyed him knowingly, a small, muted smile curving on her lips. “You look like you were expecting someone else.”

“And you look like a mess,” he replied quickly, a reflex, “No offense.”

“None taken.” Lucia looked down at the floor as she kicked at it with her boot. When she brought her eyes back up to him, there were tears welling up in them. “Can we talk?”

Nathaniel nodded and stepped out of the doorway so that she could enter. She walked into the room hesitantly, looking around as she did so. She stopped and stood, still as a statue at the center, eyes fixed on the fireplace. He closed the door and moved to stand beside her.

“Would you like to sit?”

She took a deep breath and blinked slowly before turning to look at him and nod. She was so deliberate in her actions, even the small ones, a stark comparison to Liss. Nathaniel pulled out a chair for her at the small table in the corner of the room. He sat down in the chair across from her and waited for her to speak.

“Sorry to bother you,” she muttered, “I know it’s late.”

“It’s fine,” he reassured her, “I wasn’t sleeping.”

“I thought you might have… company.”

“No.” Nathaniel laughed and shook his head.

“You and that woman, Elissa,” Lucia stated,“You two seem close.”

“We were,” he admitted, shifting in his seat, “Our fathers fought together during the rebellion, and our families were allies. We were friends as children. I haven’t seen her in years, though.”

“What is she like,” she asked, straight-faced, lips pressing into a thin line. That’s what she had come to talk about, then.

“Lucia, I don’t think—“

“Please, Nathaniel,” she insisted, eyes watering, “I need to know.”

“I know that you probably want to hear that she’s a horrible person,” he began, with a sigh, “I can’t give you that.”

“That’s not what I want,”she explained, smiling gently, “I already know that she isn’t. If she were, Alistair wouldn’t care for her as he does.”

“He cares for her?” His tone was a bit sharper than he would have liked.

“Yes.”

“I suppose it would be hard not to,” he grumbled, shaking away the jealousy he had not earned. “What do you want to know?”

“I don’t know,” Lucia said, voice cracking, and she began to wipe at her eyes, “I have no right to be angry with her, because I am the one who left without any assurance that I would be back. I am the one who didn’t write to Alistair the entire time I was away. It’s my fault all of this happened. Sometimes I wonder if it would have been better for me to just have sacrificed myself to kill the Archdemon like all of the other heroes from Blights in the past.”

Though he knew it was disrespectful, Nathaniel couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head at her.

She frowned. “What?”

“Do you hear yourself?” His laughter died down and he fixed her with a serious expression. “Your relationship is on the rocks, so you think you should have died?”

“It’s not that simple, Nathaniel,” Lucia stated tersely, “Defeating the Archdemon without a Grey Warden dying still involved a sacrifice. Something I had to ask of Alistair. We made the decision together with the expectation that we would face the consequences together.”

“But you left,” Nathaniel remarked, “And now you think that everything that has happened since then is your fault.”

“Yes.”

“That’s bullshit,” he stated firmly, and she flinched, clearly not expecting him to argue.

“I caused this,” she protested, “If I had just died like I was supposed to none of this would have happened.”

“Maybe not, but you’d be dead, and the world would be worse for it.”

“I—thank you.” A lone tear rolled down her cheek and she didn’t stop it this time. “I must sound like such a whiny child.”

“You sound like someone who has been through too much to only be—“ he trailed off, attempting to recall if she’d ever told him her age. If she had, he couldn’t remember. “How old are you anyway?”

“Nineteen.”

“ Nineteen? Andraste’s blood.” She was even younger than he expected, barely more than a child.

“I know. I am old enough that I should be able to handle things like this. It’s just a bump in a relationship, not the end of the world.”

“Nineteen… and you raised an army, killed an Archdemon.” He laughed in disbelief. “You saved Ferelden.”

“After all of that, you would think I’d be better at managing my personal affairs,” Lucia shook her head and sighed.

“Are you even listening?” Nathaniel raised his voice slightly, frustrated. “ I am trying to tell you that you’re being too hard on yourself.”

“But—“

“When I was nineteen, I was in Starkhaven, drinking too much and making incredibly poor decisions.”

“Worse than mine?”

“I ignored years of letters from someone I loved, and threw myself into a relationship with someone else I didn’t love because it was convenient.” He shrugged. “So, I don’t know. It depends on what qualifies as worse.”

“I can’t imagine you doing something like that.” Her brows pressed together, lips curling into a frown. “You’re such a thoughtful person.”

“That’s just it,” he answered, lips twitching into a smirk, “Everyone makes stupid mistakes when they’re young. Everyone behaves selfishly from time to time.”

“I don’t know that I appreciate my current situation being reduced down to youthful behavior. It feels more serious than that.” Lucia’s expression was sour, but she laughed anyway.

”It always does.”

“Do you regret your decisions?”

“Every day.” He sighed and offered her a reassuring smile. “I wish I had recognized my mistakes when I was nineteen, instead of wasting years of my life trying to figure it out.”

“Did you figure it out,”Lucia asked, bright eyes blinking at him, her hands on her chin.

“That’s why I came to Denerim.”

“Your ‘personal business,’ right. I wondered, but did not feel it was my place to ask.” She narrowed her eyes and tilted her head slightly, as if attempting to read his mind, and he suddenly felt very self-conscious.

“The reason I hesitated to tell you about Elissa is that she is the reason I am here,” he confessed. “I love her. I thought my opinion would be biased.”

“Oh.” Lucia’s smile dropped from her face. “I’m sorry. I have been so caught up in my own concerns. I didn’t even think. I can’t imagine you feel any better about seeing her and Alistair together than I do.”

“It wasn’t my favorite thing to walk in on, but it doesn’t really matter.” Nathaniel laughed and raked a hand through his hair. It was more embarrassing to speak about than he would have anticipated. “I’m just happy that she is alive, that I got to see her again at all.”

Lucia stared blankly at the grain of the wooden table, something it seemed all of the women in his life tended to do when they were thinking.

“What’s on your mind,” he asked.

“I suppose I am having a harder time dealing with all of this than you are.” She looked up at him and smiled. “I have very negative thoughts about Alistair and Elissa both.”

“That’s only fair.”

“I wish I could forget it all, pretend none of this ever happened.” She slammed her fist down on the table as she spoke, and a small patch of ice formed where her fist landed. “Damn it,” she hissed at the lapse of control and stood up abruptly, her eyes wide and jaw clenched, “I need to get some air.”

“Are you going to be all right?”

“Yes,” she replied with a decisive nod, “Thank you, Nathaniel. For everything.”

Lucia turned and left the room before he had the opportunity to tell her he did nothing to warrant a thanks, but she probably would not have accepted that response anyway. She was an interesting woman, so mature and responsible and some ways, despite being completely inexperienced in others. There was nothing he could say that would make her broken heart ache any less, nothing that would relieve her anger. She would have to give herself permission to feel them, a lesson Nathaniel could stand to learn himself. He hoped, for her sake, she figured it out sooner than he did.

Nathaniel did not need to worry about nightmares, as sleep eluded him entirely. He lay awake as hour by painstaking hour passed by, mind buzzing, until he could bear it no longer. He sighed forcefully and got out of bed, walking to a desk at the other side of the excessively spacious room. Thankfully, the fire still burned in the fireplace, warming the room, and providing plenty of light for him to see what he was doing. Taking a few pieces of parchment from one of the drawers, he sat down to write.

Tom,

I received your letter, and as much as I want to be angry that you’ve runoff to Maker-Knows-Where, Antiva, and asked me to keep this a secret from our sister, I am only relieved to hear that you are alive and happy. I know that I’ve been a piss poor excuse for a brother since I left for Starkhaven. I should have stayed in contact with you and Delilah, written more often, come home sooner. I should have stood up to Father in the first place and protected you both. For all I pretended to be brave, I was just a frightened little boy. I am sorry that I failed you.

I am a Grey Warden now— long story, but it has been good for me. The work is distasteful to put it lightly, but it is honorable, and something I can be proud of. I remember how Father hated the Wardens because our grandfather abandoned his family to join the ranks, never to be heard from again. I can’t say why, but I no longer believe that story. If you ever decide to come back from the dead, I will have to introduce you to some of my comrades; there is a dwarf, Oghren, who I think you’d get along with rather well.

Delilah’s married. And pregnant, due in just under a month if I have kept proper track of it all. She and her husband fled from Amaranthine to Kirkwall to escape disease and darkspawn. He has family there, and the last I heard everyone is safe and happy. She misses you. I’m sending something of hers along with the letter. She once gave it to me, but I think it would better serve you now.

It is good that you��ve stopped drinking. I’m proud of you, and for more reasons than just that.

I hope that Antiva treats you well. Stay out of trouble.

Love,

Nathaniel

Nathaniel tugged at the collar of his shirt and pulled at the twine that held Delilah’s tiny golden ring she’d given him when he spent his first summer in Highever. It had been his constant reminder that he was loved, and it kept him company for many, many years. He did not need it anymore. He had Delilah, he had the Wardens, he had Fergus, and if the Maker willed it, he would have Liss, too. Nathaniel knew that Thomas would be fine, but sentimentality got the better of him and wanted his brother to have it. He removed the ring from his neck, and tucked it inside an envelope along with the letter, and sealed it with a wax stamp. He would take it to the Antivan contact later, when the market opened.

Placing the envelope to the side, he picked up another piece of parchment and placed it in front of him. He still had one more letter to write.

Dear Liss,

I think we can both agree that this letter is long overdue. I am not certain where to begin, other than to say that I am sorry for never writing to you . I was young, stupid, and hurting so much that I could hardly stand it. Losing you was like losing a limb, some large part of myself that I could learn to live without, but only if I pretended I never had it in the first place. I am not saying it was a good choice, but it was the only way I knew how to cope. It was selfish and inconsiderate, and I hope that you can forgive me.

I have many regrets, the biggest being that I never told you how I felt about you. There is no time like the present, I suppose. Even if it is too late, I need you to know, or it will drive me crazy for the rest of my life.

The truth is, Liss, I love you. I have loved you since the day you crawled out from under my bed on my first night in Highever, and I wasn’t even old enough to know what love was. I just knew that being near you made me feel better, and that there was nowhere else in Thedas I wanted to be. It frustrated me to no end that you could not see all that I saw in you, that you thought you were so average. You could not be average if you tried.

I want you to know that regardless of where we go from here, no matter what happens between us, I won’t think any differently. You were my best friend, and all of the memories from my childhood I care to keep are with you and your family. I do not know what I would have done without you.

I missed you, Liss, more than words could accurately convey. I know you are tired of apologies, but I don’t care. I am sorry that I never told you any of this before. I am sorry that I was so terrified of my father that I let him come between us. I am sorry if I ever once made you think I didn’t care about you. I am sorry that I waited until the night before I left to dance with you, to kiss you. More than anything else, I am sorry that I wasted nine years of my life pretending that I could be happy without you.

It is good to finally see you again.

Sincerely Love,

Nathaniel

He folded the parchment and and breathed deeply, only then realizing that he’d been holding his breath. All of his feelings were right there, on one small slip of parchment. It would be as easy as handing it to Liss, or leaving it somewhere for her to find. It would be even easier to ball up the letter and toss it into the fireplace, but then he’d be in the same position as when he started. He decided to do neither, to compromise with himself, and place it in his pack for safe-keeping. At the very least, it would be a reminder for all he needed to say when he found the courage to tell her in person. He would prefer to tell her in person anyway.

Writing the letters had not taken as long as Nathaniel expected, and since returning to bed would be a fruitless endeavor, he got dressed and decided to get some air. As he walked out of his room and down the hall he wondered if Lucia had ever found her peace, or if she’d struggled to sleep as well. He doubted she had been successful. The woman barely slept on the best of days.

He reached the vestibule and images of Liss running toward him flashed behind his eyelids when he blinked. He could still smell her perfume, her hair, proof that he had not simply imagined her presence. He pushed past the heavy wooden doors that lead out to the courtyard, and the crisp air of early morning. Stars still hung in the night sky, even as the sun peeked up from the horizon in subtle pink rays.

Nathaniel stepped out further into the courtyard and past bunches of evergreen plants that stubbornly flourished despite the weather. There was a rustle of something— fabric maybe—, footsteps, and he noticed a person several feet before him, silhouetted by the moons’ light, though he would have recognized Liss anywhere. She sat on a stone bench, staring up and out into the sky.

He approached her quietly, hoping not to startle her. She flinched and stood abruptly as he reached the bench, turning swiftly and throwing her whole body into an attempt to punch him. He noticed her intention, however, and caught her arm just before she hit him. She inhaled sharply, and looked up at him, trembling. Her eyes were wide, mouth opened as if she were about to scream until she met his gaze and relaxed immediately. He could only imagine why her first instinct was to punch, why she looked so terrified. He was glad his father was dead.

“Nate,” she said in acknowledgment, as he released her arm. “I— I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he assured her firmly, “Its my fault for startling you. I should know better.”

“Ever since the attack on the castle, I’ve been so jumpy,” she explained as if he’d asked her to, “It’s like my skin is on inside out.” She laughed nervously, sat back down on the bench, and continued. “I have to stop punching people.”

“To be fair, it’s early. You can’t have been expecting someone else to be here.” He took a seat beside her.

“I never expect to be the only person around,” she said, “That’s the problem. It’s always in the back of my mind that someone is waiting to hurt me.”

“I don’t know what to say,” Nathaniel admitted.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Liss shrugged. “That’s just how I am now.” She brought her gaze to meet his, and offered him a smile that did not reach her eyes. “Why are you up so early? You always hated waking up early.”

“I still do. Years of strict schedules while I was a squire did nothing to change my opinion about that.” He paused and leaned forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I couldn’t sleep.”

“Warden nightmares?”

He sat back up to shoot her a perplexed expression. How did she know about those? He remembered Alistair and resisted the urge to roll his eyes. “No, thankfully. I just couldn’t sleep. What about you?”

“Sleep and I don’t have a good relationship these days,” Liss explained, “Every night, without fail, I wake up from nightmares in which I had to relive the night my family died. It’s hard to go back to sleep after that, so I come here or walk the battlements, anything to get the smell of iron and smoke from my nose, to help me stop seeing my brother’s wife and son lifeless on the floor every time I close my eyes.”

As she spoke, Liss clenched her fists, tighter and tighter with each word, until her knuckles were white. Tears formed in her eyes, and even in the dim light Nathaniel could tell she fought to hold them back. He still didn’t know what to say to her, especially since she had responded so poorly to his apologies before.

He chose to say nothing, placing his hand over one of her clenched fists, to show her his sympathy rather than tell her. She snapped her head toward him and glanced between his hand and his face a few times. A painful, tense moment passed before she opened her hand and laced her fingers through his.

An unexpected wave of heat rushed to his face, as if they had never held hands before. They had, in fact, held hands many times, more than he could count, but it had been so long. Her hands were no longer perfectly soft and delicate. Calluses marked her palms from wielding her sword, and her grip was more firm. He had expected her to pull away from him, a subtle rejection of his concern and affection, but she didn’t, and now his heart climbed up his throat as if it intended to escape through his mouth.

“I am sorry that I snapped at you last night when you tried to apologize,” Liss said, breaking the silence and tension between them, “It was just the last thing I wanted to talk to you about. My trip to Highever was… difficult, and I just— I wanted to think about anything else. I knew the sniveling mess it would make me.”

“I understand,” Nathaniel reassured her, brushing his thumb back and forth across her hand.

“One moment, I had everything. I had a home, a family, and I was at least comfortable with who I was and my place in the world.” Tears dropped from her lashes as she spoke, and she squeezed his hand more tightly. “Then everything was taken from me all at once. I spent an entire year alone and frightened, worried that your father would find me at any moment, that I’d be killed. I am ashamed. I should be stronger than this. Fergus has learned to cope with it, but I can’t.”

Liss lost her composure entirely and began to sob, tears streaming down her face, her shoulders shaking. It broke his heart to see her this way, and to be powerless to make her feel better. There was nothing he could do, except sit with her as she grieved. He remembered when his mother died, how Liss had come to his room, and how he’d been inconsolable. He had wanted her to stay then, even though she didn’t know how to help. It had been good to not have to mourn alone.

Releasing her hand, he closed the distance between them and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, hugging her close to him. She brought her tearful eyes up to look at him briefly before throwing her arms around him and pressing her face into his chest. He held her as she shook and sobbed, hands clinging to the fabric of his shirt. It must have been so difficult for her, to lose everything and pretend to be strong, to hold it all back just to keep going. He wished he could have been there for her sooner, but he was there now, and he would hold her together so that she could fall apart.

Liss eventually calmed, but did not move from his embrace. Her breath was warm against his tear-dampened shirt, and as she spoke, the words vibrated on his chest. “See, this is exactly why I can’t talk about it,” she mumbled.

Nathaniel laughed. “This is exactly why you need to,” he said, instinctively pressing a kiss to her hair.

Her head shot up at the gesture, and she examined him, eyes relentlessly searching his face for something he could not determine. The sun had risen higher above the horizon, brightening her face with a soft golden glow. It would be inappropriate to tell her she was beautiful now. She would almost assuredly think he was mocking her, but he thought it. He couldn’t help but think it.

“What is it,” he asked as she continued to stare at him so intently he wanted to squirm.

“I...um.” She seemed lost, and glanced around as she searched for an answer. “Nothing. Never mind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Mhmm!” She laughed nervously despite the confidence she tried to convey, and pulled away from him, standing up and straightening out her skirt. “I should probably go and get cleaned up. We have a council meeting today, and I would prefer to not look like this.” She motioned to her face with her hands.

Liss turned to walk away but froze in her tracks and spun back around to look at him. “Thank you, Nate,” she said softly, “Talk to you later?”

“Of course.” He nodded and she smiled in return before heading into the palace.

Perhaps later he would tell her everything.

#dragon age #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #howesland #cousla #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #update #temperance #my wriring

32 notes · View notes

allisondraste · 5 years

Text

Temperance (19/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Chapter Summary: Home is where the hurt is.

Notes: Just a brief trigger warning for some trauma sympmtoms discussed. Take care of yourselves!

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

The Fereldan Countryside, 9:31 Dragon

Cold, morning air pricked Liss’ skin as her eyes flickered open, blinking away the darkness of sleep. She shuddered even beneath two heavy blankets, warmed only by the memory of the night before that made her face burn hot and her stomach flutter. It could very well have been a dream. Her imagination was fairly vivid, after all, and it was not uncommon for her to dream about kissing handsome men under the stars. Those dreams, however, had ceased since the night her family died. She only had bad dreams now.

No, kissing Alistair wasn’t a dream, nor was him holding her afterward, sharing his warmth until she fell asleep. Perhaps he had fallen asleep, too. She couldn’t remember, but she could still smell him in her hair and on her clothes, and her lips still tingled with the memory of his. A smile twitched at those same lips as she sat up and stretched briefly before drawing the blankets back up around her. Damn the winter for existing.

Looking around the makeshift camp, she noticed Alistair standing near the horses, still as a statue, staring off in the distance toward Amaranthine. Remnants of smoke clouds lingered in the sky. What had the Wardens done? Were they all right? She supposed Alistair probably wondered the same.

Liss rose to her feet and walked over to him, footsteps intentionally loud so as to not startle the jumpy man. Closing the distance, she slid her arms through his and clasped her hands over his abdomen, pressing her cheek against his back. He tensed beneath her touch, spine stiffening and he held his breath.

“Oh, sorry,” she said, pulling away from him quickly, “I didn’t mean to startle you.”

“You didn’t. Not exactly,” he answered with a heavy sigh as he turned to face her, pointing toward the smokey sky, “That’s Amaranthine, isn’t it?”

Liss just nodded slowly and watched concern wash over Alistair’s face, knitting his brow and causing his lower lip to tremble. Maker, was he going to cry?

“Well,” he announced very suddenly, wiping at his eyes with a thumb and index finger that he brought together to pinch the bridge of his nose. He sniffed and continued, “It’s probably just… a funeral pyre to destroy all the rotten darkspawn corpses. Can’t leave them just lying about. That’s how you get diseases.”

“Ali,” Liss soothed, placing a hand on his cheek.

Alistair put his large hand over hers, which she had never thought to be small until now, and squeezed it briefly before dragging it down and away from his face and letting go. He brought his eyes up to look at her, and the expression shattered her heart. She knew what that look meant, where it led, and that she had nobody and nothing to blame but her own impulsive self. Instinctively, she took a step back from him.

“Liss, I’m so… sorry,” Alistair said. It was an introduction, a preface to what he actually wanted to say.

“This is about the kiss, isn’t it?” She stole the gut punch from him. If she said all the things first, it couldn’t hurt her as much. “I knew I should have asked. It was a dumb, careless idea. I’m an idiot.”

“Yes, I mean no...um.” Alistair huffed and tried again. “What I mean to say is: Yes. This is about the kiss, but no you’re not an idiot.”

“Was it bad?” That was a dumb, pointless question that just fell out of her mouth.

“Maker, no. No! It was very nice,” he answered waving his hands frantically and then settling, “But it shouldn’t have happened.”

”I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to overstep. I’m just horrible at reading people sometimes.”

“You have nothing to be sorry for.” He reached out as if to touch her shoulder, but stopped and let his hand fall to his side. “You didn’t overstep. I…enjoyed it, but it was wrong.”

“Why?” She hated the hurt in her voice but was unable to stop it. She laughed to brush it off and added, “It was just a kiss.”

“No it wasn’t, Liss.” Alistair dropped his head, “It meant something.”

“Is it so bad for it to mean something?”

“Yes.” He brought his eyes back up to hers again. The word was hard, cold, even in his sympathy, that he might as well have thrown an icicle at her. “It’s just - ”

“I understand,” she said just as coldly, and moved to start packing up her things if only to keep him from seeing her cry. “It is pretty obvious that your heart is elsewhere.”

“Liss,” he muttered and she snapped her eyes up to him causing him to look away.

“No, I get it.” She laughed angrily, and it wasn’t even Alistair she was mad at, not really. “It’s hard to move on from something special. Sometimes you waste years and years of your life trying to fill that hole, but nothing ever does. Nothing even comes close. Maybe you even start to realize that you’re not really you without that person, and that your best memories are with them. Only now, they’re gone, and the thought of that person makes you unbearably sad. So you shut it out, you make jokes, and you convince everyone you’re fine, but you’re not. You’re miserable, and the only person who can fix it, the only one in the world you want to see, isn’t there.”

Liss began to roughly ready her horse, and continued, “Maybe you end up kissing a good friend on a whim for comfort. It’s nice and warm and you feel whole again, but it’s just for a moment because surprise, you’ve somehow now made yourself feel ten times worse than you did before, damned for even trying to be happy.”

Alistair blinked at her silently and frowned. “I didn’t tell you about any of that.”

“I never said it was about you,” Liss answered through her teeth and climbed up onto her horse, “Come on. We can talk about this later if you wish. Right now, I just really want to see my brother.”

Painful, awkward silence hovered over them as they made the final leg of their journey to Highever, and Liss was haunted with the immediate echo of the things she’d said. Out loud. She squirmed in her saddle and focused every ounce of her energy on not thinking about it, yet she still thought about it anyway. About him. Nate. It finally happened. Years of hiding and hurting and it all came out just like that. They were feelings she didn’t need. Especially not as she was about to face home for the first time since… well, everything.

As soon as they reached the city gates, Alistair parted with Liss to pay his respects to Duncan as she made her way to her family’s castle. She stood at the gates for what felt like an eternity, staring up the length of the large wooden doors while her stomach twisted into increasingly intricate knots. A warrior stomach, it was, braided for the battle to come.

“I’m ready,” she said with a deep breath, nodding to the guards who pushed open the doors and held them for her to enter in to the courtyard. It was quiet and empty, as it was in the winter, the only signs of life were the soldiers that lined the battlements. She passed another pair of guards through another set of doors to reach the main hall, large, open, and warm. It was filled with the sound of chatter and servants milling about at their jobs.

“Lady Cousland,” one woman exclaimed, clearly recognizing Liss, though Liss could not return the recognition. “We were not expecting you.”

“My apologies,” Liss answered, “I know it is polite to send word ahead.”

“No matter,” the woman said, “The Teyrn is in the middle of a meeting with some representatives from Amaranthine, but I will let him know you are here.”

“Thank you, uh…”

“Isobel, milady.”

“Thank you, Isobel,” Liss said with a smile, “You can tell the Teyrn that I will be wandering the halls. He’ll have to find me.”

Isobel eyed her curiously, likely due to the complete deviance from etiquette, but bowed anyway and left to retrieve Fergus. Liss remained in the main hall for a few moments, breathing and taking in the scenery. It looked as it always had, smelled as it always had, and sounded the very same. Yet it was a different place entirely. Everything that had once made it home was gone. Liss did not know what to make of it, nor if it could ever feel like home again. Tears burned in her eyes at the thought of all that Howe had taken from her.

She tore away from the main hall, not wanting to be seen were she to lose her composure, and ambled up a flight of stairs that led to the living quarters. A mistake, she knew, but the only relatively private place in the castle. Her chest tightened, breath becoming panicked and shallow as she approached the door to her room. Each time she blinked she could see pools of blood on the floor. She heard screams and smelled iron, remembered Oren and Oriana’s lifeless faces. It was all her fault. Thoughts raced and swirled in her head. She should have stopped it, done more, died trying. All the things she’d only revisited in nightmares were crashing down on her all at once and she was suffocating.

Liss passed by her own room frantically, unable to even look at it, opting instead to turn down an adjacent hallway, the guest wing, running until she reached the very end. She turned to face the door immediately to her right, the last room in the hall. It was Nathaniel’s, or at least the one he had used during his summers there. How many times had she run down that hall to hide, to be comforted, to see her friend? How many times had she gone into his room when he wasn’t there just to feel closer to him, or just because it felt like the safest place in the world? Of course her feet carried her there now. It only made sense.

Grabbing a torch from the wall, she pressed down on the door knob gently, hand shaking, and let herself into the room. It was dark and cold from too many vacant days, but otherwise the same as she remembered it, perhaps the only place in the castle untouched by recent events. She hung the torch in an empty sconce and moved to examine the rows of dusty books that lined the shelves. Most were boring, standard-issue texts on the history of Ferelden, tactical manuals, and refuse from Aldous’ collection. One book stood out, however. It was smaller, leather bound, and crammed between two volumes of Brother Genetivi’s writings. She pulled it out and examined the cover as she kicked off her boots. Fereldan Myths and Folklore.

She’d read the book many times over, of course. It was nothing new, but perfect for keeping her mind busy until Fergus came for her. She climbed up on the bed and sat, back straight against the headboard. As she fanned through the pages, she frowned at the sight of a page that had been folded down at the corner. It was one of the shorter tales in the book, a chilling legend called “The Baroness of the Blackmarsh.” Her heart fluttered as she noticed charming little letters in black ink, straight and sharp-edged, cluttering the margins at the sides. Nate.

The tale was simple. It warned travelers of the Blackmarsh to be wary as they wandered through, making sure to think of the Maker, place Prophet’s Laurel under the tongue, and carry a vial of Lyrium to ward away the demons that whispered in the dark. Supposedly people who passed through the Blackmarsh reported hearing voices, seeing faces of the dead in the water, and becoming tangled in trees that grabbed at their clothing like gnarly, jagged hands. These events were blamed on a wicked baroness who practiced blood magic to maintain her youth and beauty. The Veil was bound to be thin in such places after all.

Liss glanced over to read Nate’s notes at the side.

“Not the whole story. Baroness was well-loved by her people after she saved them from a dragon. Something bad must have happened.”

She smiled. Leave it to Nate to take a folk legend seriously. Then again, hadn’t he visited the Marsh? Perhaps there was more truth to the myth than it seemed. She scanned her eyes over the rest of the page, noting another brief message at the bottom.

“Liss, if you read this while I’m gone, I’m not being too serious, so stop thinking it.”

Liss flinched and read the words again. How dare he presume what she was thinking about him, even nine or more years ago, whenever the stupid note was written. And how dare he assume she’d pilfer through his things. She may have invaded his personal space on a regular basis, but she drew the line at pilfering. Arse.

Still, the smile that curved at her lips deepened and tears dripped onto the page as she ran her fingers over the writing. The droplets startled her, and she reached up to wipe them from her face, unaware that she was even crying. Maker, she missed him, and it was easier to breathe just admitting to it. She missed him.

“There you are,” a familiar voice rang out, causing her to start. She looked up to see Fergus standing in the doorway, a sad, knowing grin on his face, “I should have known to look here first.”

“Am I so predictable?”

“Yes, actually.” Fergus stepped into the room to stand at the foot of the bed, tracing the wooden footboard with the fingertips of one hand. His other arm hung unusually limply at his side. Had he been hurt? “If I knew you were coming, I would have greeted you at the gate, and you wouldn’t have had to face the castle alone... or hide in here to find some little shred of Nathaniel to comfort you.”

“That’s not - “

“I may not be as smart as you, but I’m not an idiot.” Fergus moved over to where she sat on the bed and rested his big, heavy hand on her head, shaking it slightly and causing her head to move around.

Liss grumbled and slapped his hand away. “I came with a friend, a last minute kind of thing, or I would have written ahead. Believe me when I say I would have much preferred by glorious return home to not have ended with me a pitiful weeping mess, but I just don’t think there’s a way around it.”

“There wasn’t for me,” he said with a sigh, staring blankly off into the air, “That’s what it takes to get past it, I think.”

“It’s good to see you, Fergus,” Liss muttered weakly, not really wanting to spend the entire visit with her brother stuck in the past. “How are you?”

He laughed and shook his head, looking back at her. “As well as I can be, considering. And you?” He winced and grasped the limp arm.

“I’ve been better,” Liss replied absently, setting the book aside and sliding to her feet. She grabbed his arm and examined it through the sleeve. A bulky spot rose up under the material just by his shoulder, a bandage. “What happened to your arm?”

“You won’t believe it,” he said, raising his eyebrows.

“So it’s a good story, then?”

“Depends.” His grin was so wide she could count his teeth, not that she wanted to.

“Well, go on. Out with it,” she said dryly, sitting down on the edge of the bed “Lest I die from suspense.”

“Well, I was in the Coastlands, on my way to see what was going on in Amaranthine. I’d heard nothing from the Arlessa, Warden-Commander -- whatever she is-- for weeks, and that pillar of smoke was concerning.” Fergus paced about in front of the bed, gesturing emphatically. “On my way, I was cornered by some bandits, well… they weren’t actually bandits. They were some men who’d escaped the fire and darkspawn in the city, who were just desperate for money.

“Anyway, one of them managed to slash my arm and knock me from my horse. I fell to the ground and hit my head. I was dizzy, and my ears were ringing. I thought I was done for.”

Fergus paused and looked to Liss expectantly, and she obliged him with a response. “Don’t you know how to defend yourself? Mother would be so very disappointed.”

Fergus rolled his eyes, but continued with the same level of enthusiasm. “It didn’t take long for me to notice the men had stopped their attack, and the one who landed the blow to my arm was on the ground clutching a wounded leg. The others were yelling at this Grey Warden, blaming him for the loss of their families and livelihoods.”

Liss leaned forward, chin in her hands. “A Grey Warden?”

He nodded. “A Grey Warden. One of the men tossed a dagger at him, but then another Grey Warden showed up, this mage who made roots come up from the ground to shield her comrade.”

“You’re lying.”

“No, I’m serious.” He shook his head and she believed him. “The men called her some unkind names and she was going to attack them, but the other Warden stopped her and began to talk to the men, sympathize with them. He said he understood and vowed to make it up to them if they’d give him the chance.”

“Mighty noble of someone they just tried to murder,” she said tapping her chin.

“Well,” Fergus said, dropping his gaze to the ground as he kicked at the floor with the toe of his boot, “You know how Nate is.”

Liss’ breath caught in her throat, a noticeable, horribly embarrassing gasp escaping her. She would have sworn her heart stopped for a moment. “Nate?”

“Yes!”

“A Grey Warden?”

“Mhmm.” Fergus nodded and continued on to explain how Nathaniel had landed among the Wardens’ ranks, how he’d returned believing his father had been murdered and his family disgraced for no reason. How he believed he needed to avenge them, but decided to just gather some of his family’s belongings instead, and how he’d been captured and branded a thief for doing so. He would have died had it not been for the Warden-Commander.

“That’s good,” Liss said half-heartedly, “I’m glad he’s not dead.”

Fergus stared at her skeptically for a moment before speaking. “That’s it? I can’t say you’re as excited as I thought you’d be. Still pissed he never wrote?”

“I’ll always be pissed about that. How hard is it to write one damn letter?”

“Pretty hard, depending on who you ask.” Fergus tried and failed to lighten the mood.

“I miss him,” she said, her voice cracking, “And I want him to miss me too.”

Fergus pulled her into an embrace and squeezed tightly, sighing into her hair. “I think you should tell him that.”

“Why,” she asked sharply, voice muffled by Fergus’ shirt, “So he can ignore me for another nine years?”

“No, you idiot,” Fergus said with a frustrated laugh, “So maybe you can be happy again.”

“I don’t know if that’s possible, Fergus,” she rasped, tears falling freely and dampening his shirt, “I forgot how.”

“Me too, Sis.” He kissed her hair. “But we have to try.”

#dragon age #dragon age origins #cousland x nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe #cousland #howesland #temperance #update #insomnia update #wooooop #tw: trauma symptoms #my writing

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allisondraste · 5 years

Note

18. Lifting-off-the-ground hug - with your current favorite otp?

First of all, I just need you to know that this ask brought me so much joy to fill. Thanks so much :D

There were few things Liss enjoyed more than visiting Nate’s family. She adored Delilah and her husband. Their little boy, Tom— named lovingly after the youngest Howe sibling who was believed to have perished at Ostagar— was a delightfully rambunctious child. At five years old, he terrorized his parents with pranks and general silliness. Lizards up his mama’s skirts, hiding his papa’s shoes, sneaking out of his bed at night to eat sweets from the cupboard. Anything one could imagine a mischievous child getting up to, and he had done it, reminding her so much of herself when she was his age.

Nate stood at her side, smile quirking up at the corner of his mouth as they approached Delilah’s cozy little home. “You know, Tom is going to be ecstatic to see that you’re with me this time.”

“You think?” Liss perked up and turned to look at him.

“He asked where you were at least twenty times the last time I visited,” he remarked dryly, “It seems I have some competition.”

“I mean,” Liss teased, tapping a finger on her chin, “He thinks all of my jokes are funny and responds much more positively to tickling.”

Nate laughed and wrapped his arm around her shoulders, pulling her toward him to press a kiss to her temple before speaking again. “You can’t still be sour about the tickling.”

“You pushed me off the bed!” She furrowed her brows at him in mock contempt.

“It was a reflex,” he argued, “I warned you.”

“Your nephew has never caused me physical harm when tickled.” She crossed her arms. “He just makes this adorable little giggle that is irresistible.”

“You didn’t get hurt, Liss.”

“My pride, Nate. My pride will never recover.”

“Well then, he said, squaring up to face her and brushing a strand of hair from her face, “Forgive me, my lady. Is there any way I can make it up to you?”

Liss bit her lip and smiled. “I can think of a few things you could do.” She tilted her head up to him, presenting her lips to be kissed.

Nate leaned forward, nose brushing hers, lips nearly meeting when a door slammed open, causing them both to jump and turn in the direction of the sound. A tiny dark-haired boy stood at the doorway, grinning from ear to ear.

“Liss,” he shrieked, excitedly, and took off in a run toward her, completely disregarding Nate.

Liss bent down to catch his embrace as he leapt into her arms, and she stood, squeezing him tightly. It reminded her of Oren, good memories of how he’d run to her and ask her to tell him a story, or complain about his father. Tom wrapped his arms around her neck and buried his face into her hair.

“You haven’t come here in one million years,” he mumbled, almost unintelligibly into her hair, and then pulled back to scowl at her. She couldn’t help but laugh. He was completely serious, but it was too damn cute.

“Oh hush,” she said kissing his cheek, “It hasn’t been a million years.”

“It felt like it,” he whined, “I missed you too much.”

“Oh yeah? How much is too much?”

Tom spread his arms out as wide as he could and looked from one hand to the other discerningly before looking back to Liss. “That much.”

Liss feigned shock, widening her eyes as she looked at the space between his hands. “Wow. That’s a lot!” She turned to look at Nate who was smiling fondly. “I don’t even think your uncle missed me that much when I didn’t see him for a while.

Nate raised his eyebrows. “No, I didn’t. I actually didn’t miss her at all.”

Tom gasped and his head snapped toward Nate and then back to Liss. “Don’t worry. Mama says Uncle Nate’s a big—“

“Tom,” Delilah scolded, now standing in the doorway. “What happened to not telling Uncle Nate I said that?”

Nate moved to greet his sister with a hug and kiss on the cheek. “Now I’m curious. I’m a big what, Delilah?”

Delilah glared at him, and Tom hopped down from Liss’ arms, motioning for her to crouch down so he could whisper something to her. Liss did as he requested.

“Mama says he’s a big arsehole,” the little boy whispered, immediately giggling and covering his mouth.

“Tom that’s a naughty word,” Liss scolded, barely able to contain her laughter. She raised her voice and stood up. “It’s not nice to call Nate a big arsehole.”

Nate looked at Liss, then Tom, and then back to his sister who shrugged honestly. Though he tried to look stern, a grin twitched at his lips and it wasn’t long before he was laughing. Delilah laughed too, and Tom and Liss followed suit.

“Well, there’s no need to stand outside all evening,” Delilah finally spoke up, “Supper’s almost ready, and we can tease Nathaniel inside, where it’s warm.”

“Yes,” Nate said sarcastically, “Sounds like a blast.”

Delilah winked before turning to head inside. Nate held the door as Tom ran to catch up with her, and Liss trailed behind. Just as she reached the door, about to enter the house, Nate caught her arm gently, and she brought her gaze to meet his.

He pulled her close to him, and pressed his lips gently to hers. So gently she thought she might faint. Heat rose to her face and she cleared her throat and blinked at him.

“You still pushed me out of bed, you big arsehole,” she said, reaching up to poke his nose before entering the house.

Nate just sighed, rolled his eyes, and followed behind her.

#dragon age #dragon age origns #nathaniel howe #cousland #nathaniel howe x cousland #howesland #long post #allison wrote fluff is it the apocalypse?

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allisondraste · 5 years

Text

Temperance (20/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Chapter Summary: It’d be better if people could love who they wanted.

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Highever, 9:21 Dragon

Liss had been in trouble plenty of times, but she had never been in “sit in Papa’s chair in his office while he and Mama pace about angrily” trouble. She actually wasn’t certain who to be more afraid of at the moment: Her mother, who ranted and scolded and lectured and scolded some more, or her father who tapped his chin quietly as he read over a small scroll of parchment in his hand. She decided they were equally bad, and she wanted to toss herself into the nearest waste bin, melt into the floor —something, anything to escape her parents disappointment and scrutiny.

It didn’t help that she wasn’t even sure what she had done yet. She’d been telling Nate, well actually expounding in great detail to Nate, about Orzammar and Dwarven Culture. Specifically, she’d been discussing brontos, how they were rare in Northern Ferelden, and what she would sell to see one. Namely, her left arm. He had gently encouraged her not to do that and then her parents walked in, pale and scowling. Whatever it was, she was done for.

Papa stopped reading and pacing and sat the parchment down on the desk in front of Liss, sliding it to her. She blinked up at him to make sure he meant for her to read it and he nodded. His eyes were still gentle, but she could tell he was trying hard to hide it. It was good that he wasn’t too stern because Mama was mean enough for the both of them when she wanted to be.

Looking down at the note, Liss saw lines of neatly written letters, nothing elaborate as a scribe would produce, however. Her stomach sank as she began to read aloud.

To My Lord and Lady Cousland,

It is with much sorrow that I ask to be released from my duties here at your castle, so that my daughter and I may move and begin our lives elsewhere. I am concerned with the relationship between my Rila, and Lady Elissa, and what it might mean for both of them. I harbor no hard feelings toward your family, but I have lived long enough to know what happens when elven servants become involved romantically with nobility. I would hate for either of our daughters to be a part of such a scandal. They care for one another deeply, I can tell, but it is hard for them to understand how serious it is. I think it is best if I remove Rila from the situation altogether.

I am grateful for your family’s kindness in many ways.

Sincerely,

Deveni

She looked up from the note, tears hot in her eyes and rolling down her face as she looked at her father. Even less stern than before, he still shook his head to indicate his disapproval. Her mother grew quiet, eyes filled with concern even through her obvious anger.

“We told you to leave that girl alone,” she said coldly, words clipped at the end, “We made it very, very clear that you were not to even be friends with her, let alone more than that.”

“Why,” Liss cried, more tears falling, “Why can’t we be together? It’s not fair.”

“Elissa,” Papa sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, “Pup, I wish that we lived in a world where you could be with whoever you wanted. I wish I could give that to you, but I can’t. Unfortunately, there are those among the noble houses of Ferelden who would view your relationship with Rila as political leverage against our family. They’d use it to hurt us and you. Rila, too.”

“But-”

“Sweetheart,’ Mama said, softening finally, “Can you not see that we are protecting you, just as Rila’s mother is protecting her? You are lucky Deveni is a kind person. No telling who she could have sold this information to otherwise.”

Papa furrowed his brows, thinking, and looked at Liss. “How many people know about you and Rila, that you know of?”

“Just Nathaniel,” Liss replied with a sniffle, “I didn’t even tell Fergus.”

He shrugged. “Wise choice. That boy couldn’t keep a secret if his life depended on it.”

Liss disagreed. Fergus was very good at keeping secrets -- the best-- but she didn’t feel like suffering his teasing, or putting him in an awkward position with their parents. Besides, he had enough on is plate, spending every waking minute with lovely Oriana. Liss couldn’t blame him. She was perfect, after all.

“Do you trust Nathaniel?” Her mother’s question was sincere and curious, though Liss was taken aback. Of course she did!

“More than anyone,” Liss answered with a nod, and her parents both raised their eyebrows and looked at one another.

“Even us,” Papa asked.

Guilt washed over her, but she told the truth anyway. “Yes.”

“Well,” he replied with a chuckle, “Better hold on to him. People like that are hard to find.”

Mama nodded along in agreement, and they all sat in a tense silence for a few moments before Liss gathered the courage to speak again.

“Could I, um,” she began, heart climbing up her throat, “Could I at least say goodbye to Rila?”

Again, her parents looked at one another and then back to her with sympathetic expressions.

“Pup, Rila and her mother left this morning,” Papa explained, placing his hand on her shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

Liss choked back the sob that followed and took a deep breath, eyes focused on the grain of the wood of her father’s desk. “Are we done talking?”

“Yes,” Mama said gently, “You can go, if you want to.”

That was all the permission she needed to jump up from the chair, and dart out of the room leaving her parents with their tired and worried expressions behind. Her heart was broken, shattered at the notion that her parents waited until Rila was gone to tell her any of this. That she couldn’t even say goodbye to the girl she loved. What if she blamed Liss? It was her fault, after all. Rila had always been worried that it was a bad idea, and Liss just ignored her concerns. Liss probably deserved all the heartache, considering.

When she looked up, the door to Nate’s room stood before her. She hated that she always wound up there when she was sad. Nate made her feel better, but what if it was the same with Rila, and he just felt like he had to comfort her? She didn’t exactly give him a choice, spilling her guts over and over without even asking if he cared to hear it. What if he actually resented her for it? She stared at his door a few moments longer and spun on her heels to walk away. It would be selfish of her to bother him with something like this again.

Liss had only taken a couple of steps when the sound of a door creaking open echoed through the hallway. “Liss? You okay?”

She turned back to look at him immediately, and judging by the look on his face, she didn’t have to answer. “I’m sorry, I just… I’m…”

“Want to talk about it?” He motioned with his head for her to come in, and she nodded, walking slowly, ashamedly past Nate and into his room.

Liss sat down unceremoniously on the floor by his bed, wrapping her arms around her legs and pressing her forehead to her knees. She trembled as she fought the urge to release the sob she’d been holding since she’d run from Papa’s office. It wasn’t long before there was a warmth at her side and arms pulling her over into an embrace, Nate’s arms, hugging her first . His chin was on her head, and were she not so overwhelmingly sad, she might be flustered.

“Sorry to bother you,” she mumbled against his chest.

“You’re not,” he reassured her, “The only time you’ve ever bothered me is when you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me about Warden Garahel and the Fourth Blight.”

“Yeah, that could have waited until the morning.”

“You think?” He laughed, and it vibrated against her cheek. There was a pause and he continued, “What’s wrong, Liss?”

“My parents found out about Rila,” she explained,”Which wouldn’t have been that bad, but the reason they found out was because her mother wrote them a letter to request permission to leave her job here and find work somewhere else. She and Rila left this morning. I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye.”

Her lip quivered despite her efforts to keep it steady, and she became more and more upset with each word. She grasped at the fabric of Nate’s shirt, and he held her more tightly as she released that stubborn sob.

“I’m sorry,” he said, nearly whispering, “I know you love her.”

“I’m not sure. I mean, I feel like I love her, but… you don’t put someone you love in a situation like I did with Rila, do you?” Her tears began to fall more slowly, though her chest still ached. “No matter how much your heart wants you to.”

“It’s hard not to listen to your heart.”

“Why can’t we live in a world where it doesn’t matter?” She leaned back and looked up at Nate who stared off into the distance until he noticed her eyes on him and brought his to meet them. “We could love who we wanted.”

“It’d be nice, wouldn’t it?

“What about you,” she asked, pulling out of the embrace and leaning back against the side of the bed, “Have you ever loved someone you couldn’t be with?”

There was a pause, but he answered. “I have.”

Liss snapped her head in his direction. She had never imagined Nate loving anyone, or being with anyone in any romantic capacity. He’d never really talked about it like Fergus did. He seemed completely uninterested. It hurt, how much she did not know about this side of him, but it was her fault that she never thought to ask.

“Really?” She raised an eyebrow.

“Is it that hard to believe?”

“No, it’s just… I thought you’d tell me something like that, is all.” She couldn't really disguise the hurt that lingered at the end of that statement. She couldn’t tell if she was more hurt over the fact that he kept the secret, or that it existed in the first place. She hated the jealousy that gnawed at her. She had no right.

“It’s hard to talk about,” he explained, dropping his head, “Sometimes I think about what might happen if I told her how I felt, but…it’s a bad idea. Father has forbidden it, and I don’t know if she even feels the same way about me.”

New tears formed in Liss’ eyes, and they weren’t for Rila this time. She reached over to take Nate’s hand, lacing her fingers through his. .

“Sorry,” he said and shook his head, squeezing her hand more tightly, “I didn’t mean to make this about me.”

“You didn’t. I’m the one who asked.” She shrugged. “Besides, things are about me enough.”

“I wish…,” Nate began, but paused as if reconsidering what he was going to say. He frowned and continued. “I wish that I could tell you about her.”

“You can.” She perked up.

“I really can’t.”

“Is she beautiful,” Liss asked and a smile twitched at the corner of Nate’s mouth. She grinned. “Oh, so she is then?”

“She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, in every way. Not just on the outside.” He sighed and looked at her, pale eyes sparkling intently. “She doesn’t even realize it, though. It’s frustrating how average she thinks she is.”

For a brief moment, Liss could have sworn he was talking about her, the way their eyes met, but that was stupid. Nate wouldn’t think about her that way. She wasn’t beautiful enough.

“Wow, she’s lucky,” Liss blurted, and immediately regretted it, “...to have someone feel that way about her, that is.”

“You think so?” Nate laughed, clearly amused.

“If someone said that about me, I’d probably cry.”

“You cry over a lot of things,” Nate teased.

“Yes,” she remarked tersely, frowning, “And I’d cry over that, too.”

Liss almost forgot that she was holding Nate’s hand, until she noticed his thumb grazing hers softly, back and forth. She watched for a moment, an overwhelming rush of feelings flooding through her. It was as natural and easy to hold his hand as it was to interlock her own fingers. She’d never thought much about it; it was just something they did, something they had always done. Now, it meant so much. She tried to imagine a world where she couldn’t hold his hand, and every option made her sad. Sadder than when she found out Rila was gone, sadder than anything.

Maybe she loved Rila, maybe not, but she knew without a shadow of a doubt, that she could never love another person like she loved Nathaniel. She just wished so desperately that he loved her, too, that she was the person he’d been speaking of. She hated the idea that someone could swoop in and take him away from her.

“Liss?” Nate waved a hand in front of her face, and leaned in more closely, squinting. She’d been so lost in her thoughts and she hadn’t even realized.

“Hmm?” She blinked and shook her head, heat rising to her cheeks with the nearness of him.

“You’re about to cry again,” he stated as if it were an indisputable fact.

“No, I’m not,” she protested as tears fell from her eyes.

Nate grabbed her shoulders firmly. “What is it?”

“It’s dumb.”

Probably,” he said, dryly, “But it’s making you upset.”

Liss took a deep breath and braced herself for the confession she knew she shouldn’t make. “It’s so much easier to think about the fact that Rila is gone now than it is to think about you having to leave in the future.”

Nate blinked at her beneath furrowed brows, but said nothing, so she continued.

“I don’t know what I’d do without you, Nate,” she explained, throat aching with the emotion she kept trying to hold back.

He laughed, and she wasn’t sure what to make of it. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“What if you do?” She pouted. She must seem like such a child.

“You’d manage.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because you are smart, and strong, and kind, and everyone who meets you loves you.” He brought a hand up to wipe a tear from her cheek and let it linger there for a moment. “How could they not?”

“But everyone leaves,” she remarked, more tears replacing those that had fallen before. “Just like Rila.”

“I’m not everyone,” he said, almost sounding annoyed, as he brushed away her tears again. “I’m also not Rila.”

Nate pressed his lips to her forehead briefly and then pulled away, eyes meeting hers, faces hovering close enough together that his breath warmed her face, colliding with hers. Had she not not known any better, she would have thought he wanted to kiss her, and she wouldn’t dare stop him. In fact, she wanted him to do it, welcomed it. She wondered if his lips would be soft, what he’d taste like, and if he’d run his fingers through her hair. Surely, he’d be good at it. He was good at everything else, so it only made sense.

But he didn’t kiss her. Of course, he didn’t. It was Nate for Andraste’s sake! He was too thoughtful and reasonable to ever consider doing something so impulsive as kissing someone who clearly wanted to be kissed, who closed her eyes and waited until she realized he had turned away.

“You don’t have to worry about losing me,” he said, picking at a loose thread on his breeches and then looking up at her. “You’re my best friend, and I won’t let that happen.”

“Swear?” She glared at him through squinted eyes. It was as playful a gesture as she could manage in her disappointment.

“On my life.” He smirked and looked back at her.

Leaning over against him, she looped her left arm through his right, head dropping to his shoulder. He tilted his head so that it was against hers. It wasn’t a kiss, but she’d take it.

“Fine,” she relented, and told him what she had known all along. “I trust you.”

#dragon age #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #cousland #howesland #temperance #update #my writing

31 notes · View notes

allisondraste · 5 years

Text

Temperance (23/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Chapter Summary: After nine years apart, Liss finally sees Nathaniel again. She only wishes that it were under different circumstances.

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Fereldan Countryside, 9:31 Dragon

“I suppose I owe you an explanation, an apology,” Alistair announced suddenly, breaking the oppressive silence that stretched endlessly between he and Liss ever since they left Highever, “Both, maybe?”

Liss sighed. Days of navigating treacherous emotional terrain first with the kiss, her traumatic return home, and the resurgence of whatever it was she felt for Nathaniel, left her nearly numb. It had been nice to see Fergus and to hear his dumb brother advice that wasn’t actually so dumb. Still, nothing would change the fact that Highever felt more like a graveyard than a home. She was tired, and she didn’t really want to talk about anything, especially not her now complicated relationship with Alistair.

“Not anymore than I owe you,” she replied, fingers tightening around the reins in her hand.

“Call it even then?” He raised his eyebrows, grinning in what she knew to be feigned hopefulness.

“I don’t think that’s how this works.”

“I’m not sure how any of this is supposed to work,” he grumbled, “If the past few months haven’t been a testament to that, then nothing is.”

“You’re being too hard on yourself,” Liss asserted.

“Am I?” There was a bite, an annoyance in his voice that stung, though it wasn’t directed at her. He was quiet for a moment and then he sighed. “I haven’t exactly been honest with you about my relationship with the Warden-Comm— with Lucia.”

He said her name as if it were a prayer, all previous anger toward her drained from his voice, leaving only a somber reverence. It was how Oriana’s name sounded when Fergus talked about her now. Liss’ heart ached, guilt throbbing in her chest. How had she not seen it before? How had she not realized? Alistair wasn’t just heartbroken. He was grieving.

“You love her,” she said, offering him a small smile when he darted his eyes to her. “You didn’t have to tell me that.”

“That obvious, huh?” He laughed and shook his head, a pained expression crossing his face.

Liss watched him for a minute before speaking again. “Why did she leave?”

“The Blight took its toll, in more ways than either of us expected. She dealt with it the only way she knew how… I guess.” He shrugged. “I just wish, well, I don’t know what I wish. I miss her. I want to see her again and I don’t know how she feels, or if—”

He choked, his voice raw and jaw set. The poor man. She did not need to imagine how he felt because she knew, something she’d very vocally acknowledged in her outburst on the way to Highever. She cared for Alistair, and she never meant to cause him more pain.

“I’m sorry I kissed you,” she stated firmly, eyes trained on the road ahead, too ashamed to see his reaction, “It was selfish and inconsiderate. I knew better. It’s just that… it felt good to not feel so alone.”

“Liss, you really don’t have to apologize for that. I had just as much of a part in what happened as you did, and I could have stopped it at any time.” Alistair let out a heavy sigh and continued. “It was lovely. You’re lovely, but—”

“But I’m not her.” Liss turned her head to face him, smirking. “Nobody will ever be her.”

“I’m so sorry if I hurt you.”

She shook her head. “Not hurt. Just embarrassed, but that will go away with time, I think.”

“I hope we can still be friends, in spite of, well… everything.” He smiled that crooked smile of his and exhaled a shaky breath.

“If I’m honest, I’d be happy to pretend it never happened,” she said, laughing more nervously than she would have liked. Alistair just smiled and nodded affirmatively.

Having shed some of the weight from their shoulders, the remainder of the return trip to Denerim passed by quickly. Conversation flowed easily between Liss and Alistair once again, filling the air between them with banter and laughter, the things she’d always appreciated the most from him. It was early evening when they reached the city, tired horses and tireder bodies welcoming the end of the journey that felt much longer than it actually was. They had been away for days, and yet it felt like a lifetime.

Once the horses were handed off to servants to be stabled, Liss and Alistair made their way inside the palace, and into the vestibule that led into numerous hallways, including the throne room. As had become their custom in the months that they had both lived in the castle, they stopped in the vestibule to say their good evenings. The air between them was awkward, stiffer than it had ever been, even when they just met. Alistair scratched the back of his head and Liss turned her gaze to the ground.

“Well, this is—“ Liss began, but was interrupted as Alistair hugged her abruptly, squeezing almost too tightly. She wrapped her arms around him in return.

“Thank you, Liss,” he said softly, “For everything.”

“I haven’t done anything except make a fool of myself,” she laughed and pulled back to look at him.

“You helped me feel better when I would have been perfectly comfortable pouting and hating myself,” he admitted, “You have been a good friend.”

“So have you.” Liss smiled briefly and moved to place a brief, chaste kiss on his lips. Alistair’s cheeks flushed a bit, but he smiled warmly nonetheless.

Then, he jumped, body tensing at a loud clatter at the opposite end of the room, the sound of glass shattering. Before Liss could even look to see what had made the sound, he tore himself away from her abruptly and her heart sank. His eyes were fixed on the far side of the room, wide and watering, fists clenched at his side. She followed his gaze to a dark-haired woman dressed in armor she knew to belong to the Grey Wardens. Even at a distance, she looked so tired and sad.

“Luce,” Alistair muttered, breathlessly, but the woman didn’t say anything. The Commander of the Grey had impeccable timing.

“Oy,” Liss remarked, “This looks bad.”

It was then that she shifted her gaze from Lucia to the Warden who knelt beside her, deliberately focused on picking up the shards of glass from the floor, as if it were his solemn duty. He had familiar dark hair that hung around his face, hiding his features. It was probably ridiculous that she recognized him by the top of his head. Were it anyone else she probably couldn’t have. Nathaniel was different.

She took a few steps forward tilting her head in an effort to get a better look at his face, just to be certain.

“Nate,” she asked, stomach twisting into knots. He looked up at her immediately, as if he’d been waiting for her to say something. Knowing him, he probably had.

He smiled at her so gently she thought she might break, dropped the glass shards he’d been holding, and stood up.

“Hi, Liss.”

Stubborn tears welled in her eyes as she fought the overwhelming urge to run to him. She should be angry with him for never writing and for showing up now, so casual as if there weren’t nine years between them, as if nothing had changed. Everything had changed. He had never written to her. There were nine years between them now, and yet she still wanted to run to him, to feel his arms around her, comforting her as he always had.

So she did. She ran to him, tears breaking free and falling from her eyes as she threw her arms around his neck. He didn’t flinch or stiffen up as she expected him to, but simply took a step back so as to not fall down from the force and suddenness of the embrace, and wrapped his arms around her just as tightly.

Liss buried her face into the curve between his neck and shoulder, and the rest of the world fell away. There was no Denerim, no palace, no Alistair or Lucia staring in confused silence as she knew they had to be. There was only her and Nate, together in the same room for the first time in entirely too long.

After a brief moment, Nate cleared his throat and began to pull away from her. She prepared to be hurt, but when she looked up at him, he had turned his head to look at Lucia, her tired eyes asking him for something she didn’t say aloud.

Liss glanced back at Alistair who smiled sadly. Embarrassment poured over her and her cheeks burned hot. Maker, she had kissed Alistair just as Lucia and Nate walked in, hadn’t she? They’d seen and now she had just thrown herself into Nate’s arms. Damn her and her stupid impulsivity. She thought the guilt might strangle her, and then Nate tugged at her arm.

“I’m going to go—“ he hesitated— “Replace these flasks before the apothecary closes. Do you want to come?”

Liss met his gaze, then looked between Lucia and Alistair before looking back at Nate and nodding. “Yes, please.”

Nate nodded at Lucia and turned to open the door, holding it open for Liss to walk through, before following behind her.

“The apothecary, huh,” Liss asked as they walked out into the courtyard, “You know, I just read a book about an apothecary who falls in love with a beautiful Templar.”

“We don’t actually have to go to the apothecary… unless you want to,” Nate said with a smirk, ignoring her comment about the book, “I just figured the Commander and Alistair might need some privacy to talk.”

“The vestibule is not exactly private.”

“No,” he sighed, eyes pointed at her like daggers, “It isn’t.”

“Right.” She brought her hands to her face and dropped her head. “I’m just going to go throw myself down a well.”

To her surprise, Nate laughed, and she gathered the courage to look at him again. His eyes were closed and he shook his head. “Please don’t.”

“No, no, really it’ll be best for everyone,” she said with a laugh even though it didn’t feel quite as funny as she hoped. The lump in her throat wasn’t helping. Nor were the tears that had returned to her eyes. Damn it.

Nate touched her shoulder and she looked up at him, a single tear rolling down her cheek. She took a deep breath and attempted to compose herself. It would be so easy to break down into a mess of tears, to spill her guts to him, but this was not how she wanted their reunion to be.

“I’m sorry. I am quite a mess,” she explained, sniffing a bit. “I just got back from Highever, and—“

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“But—“

“I spent months thinking you were dead, that Father—,” he trailed off — “It is good to see you. Mess or not.”

“It’s good to see you, too,” she replied.

Nate inhaled deeply, and looked out toward the city. “We have quite a bit to discuss, don’t we?”

“Mhmm.”

“Are you up for a drink?” He turned to look at her.

“I’m up for several,” Liss remarked dryly.

“Me too,” Nate admitted with a sigh. “Which tavern shall we grace with our presence then?”

A smile twitched on her lips and she waved for him to follow her down into the Market District. There were several taverns in town, but The Gnawed Noble had become Liss’ personal favorite, especially since the Landsmeet ended, and all of the disgruntled nobility left with it. The tavern was closest to the palace and right at the heart of the market, and it was particularly clean compared to some of the other places. It was worth the extra price for that alone.

Upon entering the tavern, a cacophony of raucous laughter, slurred conversation, and clumsily plucked lute strings filled Liss’ ears. The air inside smelled strongly of ale and sweat, but it was warm, and had plenty of distraction were she to need it. Things had never been awkward with Nate before, but they had been children the last time they spoke. She was a different person now, in many ways, and she figured that he probably was, too.

They selected a table in the back corner of the room and sat down. A barmaid approached to take their orders, and they gave them. She blushed and giggled when Nate thanked her and called her “my lady.” Liss wasn’t jealous, no, but she found the woman’s laugh grating and wished she would do her job instead of standing around and flirting with the patrons. When she finally walked away, an uncomfortable, heavy silence fell between them that somehow seemed louder than all of the noise in the tavern. Liss stared at the table intently, as if she were attempting to count the ridges in the wood.

“Liss,” Nate spoke up, grabbing her attention from the wood grain, “I know that this probably goes without saying, but I believe it is important for me to say anyway.”

“You don’t have to apologize for your father,” Liss interrupted bluntly.

“I do, and I will,” he asserted, “I may not be responsible for my father’s evil, but he’s dead, and someone should apologize for what he did.”

“You sound like Anora.”

“I’ve heard worse comparisons.” Nate paused as the maid returned and sat two large tankards, filled to the brim, down on the table. He thanked her again, and she ran her hand along his shoulder. Liss shook away the fantasy about setting her on fire with her eyes, and listened as Nate continued speaking. “I am truly sorry for what my father did to your family. I hope you know that if I had been there, I would never have let it happen. I would have died first.”

“Well,” Liss said, taking a sip of the cider in her tankard, “You weren’t there, were you?”

Nate flinched and blinked at her several times. She immediately regretted her choice of words and tone, but they were honest. She needed to be honest with him.

“I wasn’t,” Nate answered, taking a long drink from his own tankard and setting it back down, “Whether you believe me or not, I am sorry for that too. Your family was more like family to me than my own, and I loved them. I wish I had been with you all that night.”

“You shouldn’t wish that, Nate,” Liss warned him gravely, “It was a nightmare.”

“I know, and I’m sorry that you had to face it alone.”

“Stop apologizing,” Liss blurted, nearly shouting, “I’m so tired of people apologizing to me for things that have already happened. It’s a pointless waste of breath. No amount of “sorry” is going to bring my parents back. Nothing anyone says is going to make me stop seeing my nephew’s lifeless little body in my nightmares.”

“I—”

“It’s fine, Nathaniel,” she said, anger deflating and she took another drink, “It’s not your fault. I’d never blame you for something your father did. I’d just rather not talk about it right now.”

“Very well,” Nate stated sharply, the crease between his brows and set in his jaw betrayed his hurt, “What would you like to talk about?”

“Maybe it’d be good to start with catching up,” Liss offered him a gentle smile in hopes to atone for her prior harshness. “Tell me about Starkhaven, the Wardens! It all sounds so...exciting. I’m envious.”

“It is not as glamorous as you might think,” he laughed, “But I am happy to entertain you.”

They spent the next hour or so drinking as Nate shared tales of his time in the Free Marches, about the times he competed in the Grand Tourney, about the different foods and music, about what his training as a squire involved. Not glamorous? Liss begged to differ. She would have given a limb for that kind of adventure. The Wardens, however, he refused to speak much about. He mentioned how he came to be a Warden, spoke about some of his comrades, but refused to speak of much else. “Private Warden business,” whatever that meant. She decided not to prod him about it.

He was quiet for a moment, as if he was trying to gather his thoughts.

“What’s on your mind?” Liss tilted her head and he laughed uncomfortably.

“I suppose there is no tactful way to ask.”

“You’re wondering about Alistair.” She had figured she would need to explain it to him eventually.

“Yes.”

“I honestly don’t know,” she said with a sigh, “We’re friends. There have been times over the past few months where it felt like more than that, when I thought he might care for me in a different way, but I think it was just loneliness on both of our parts. I’ve always known he was still in love with Lucia. It was stupid of me to kiss him, especially earlier in the vestibule. We had already decided that we were just going to be friends. I was just being affectionate. I am an idiot, and this is why I belong in a well. That way, everyone will be safe from my errant lips.”

“‘Errant lips,’” Nate asked, laughing through his nose, “That is one way of putting it.”

“It’s not funny, Nate,” she exclaimed, “Every time I kiss someone, something terrible happens. I’m a menace to society.”

“Whatever you say, my lady,” he teased and she felt heat crawl to her cheeks.

“You don’t believe me.”

“I just don’t recall your lips bothering me,” Nate stated matter-of-factly.

“I—“ She choked. He was so much bolder than before. “Uh. Well. You did have to leave.”

Nate chuckled and shook his head. “Fair enough.”

By the time the conversation died, they had both finished their drinks. Liss’ face was warm and her head spun. She couldn’t decide if she was actually dizzy from the whirlwind of a day she’d had, or just drunk. She watched as Nate paid the barmaid, placing the coins in her hand and smiling. He looked just like he had so many years ago, only not quite as thin. He also had a ridiculous little patch of hair on his chin. It suited him, but that wasn’t going to stop her from teasing him about it later.

If there was to be a later. It dawned on her that he would eventually have to leave again. He’d have to go back to the Wardens, Alistair too, and she’d be alone again. Panic began to creepl up her spine and tighten in her chest. She bit it back clenching her fists until her nails dig into the skin of her palms. Then, a warm touch to her hand drew her out of her thoughts. She looked down to see Nate’s hand covering hers.

“Are you all right, Liss?” His pale eyes were filled with concern for her that she wished wasn’t there.

She waved a hand at him. “I’m fine. I’m just very tired, and the cider is… getting to me.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.” She pulled her hand out from under his gently and stood up, pushing her chair in. “I just need to get some sleep, I think.”

“Let’s get back to the palace, then,” Nate said as he stood to join her.

It was later than Liss thought, when they stepped out of the tavern. The moons and stars shone brightly in the sky and Denerim was quieter than she’d ever seen it. She wondered how things had gone for Alistair and Lucia, and hoped that they would not encounter them in the hallway. She wasn’t quite ready to face the much-deserved wrath of the Hero of Ferelden.

She walked by Nate’s side, occasionally glancing over at him, if only to remind herself that he was really there. It wasn’t just her imagination. It wasn’t long before they reached the palace. They entered to find the vestibule empty and shards of glass gone, as if nothing had ever happened. They headed up a few flights of stairs and down a hallway toward the guest wing. Both of their rooms were located there, Liss realized, but were on opposite ends of the hall.

They came to her door first, and she stopped, turning to face him. “This is me.”

Nate nodded and frowned, clearly searching for words again. “I suppose this is goodnight, then.”

Liss nodded, but stayed exactly where she was, not ready to turn and enter her room. He seemed equally stuck, which offered her some comfort.

“Listen, um, thank you for this,” she said finally, “For tonight. I needed it.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, closing his mouth sharply, but then opening it back up again as if to say something. He didn’t. He must have thought better of it.

Unable to bear it any longer, Liss brought her eyes up to meet his, and took Fergus’ advice for the first time in her life. “I’ve missed you.”

“Liss,” Nate said, placing his hands on her shoulders before drawing her into an embrace. “I’ve missed you, too.”

She wrapped her arms around his waist and squeezed, exhaling all of her tension against his chest and then leaned back to look up at him. His eyes watched her intently, and she wanted nothing more than to kiss him, just as she had the night before he left, but she couldn’t. He had just walked in to see her kissing another man. Even if he wanted to, which she doubted, it would be in poor taste. She thought too much of him to make him feel as if she was using him for comfort.

They broke the embrace, said their goodnights, and Liss turned to enter her room, closing the door behind her. As uncertain as everything was, as uneasy as the sensation in her chest, she was so much more at ease just knowing Nate was there. He felt like home.

#dragon age #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #cousland #howesland #temperance #update #my wrtiting

23 notes · View notes

allisondraste · 5 years

Text

Temperance (24/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Chapter Summary: Fergus get’s married, and Liss tries to cope with Nathaniel’s absence.

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Highever, 9:23 Dragon

Dear Nate,

I have been sitting at my desk, staring at this blank parchment for hours now, trying to figure out what to say. It’s weird, writing letters. Planning my words carefully is not exactly a skill of mine. It’s hard for me to write an entire conversation without being able to see your face. How am I supposed to know that I am being ridiculous if you aren’t here to roll your eyes at me?

If you were here right now, I’d just skip the words and hug you. Too bad I can’t send a hug with this letter.

How is Starkhaven? Mama’s been there before. She says it’s beautiful, and quite a lot different from Ferelden. Do they really eat fish pie there? It sounds absolutely disgusting, but you know I’d try it at least once. I’ve been reading about the Vael family, too, but I am certain that you don’t want to read pages of me going on about Amadis Vael and the Ruby Drakes who aided the Grey Wardens during the Fourth Blight , so I’ll just leave it at that. (She was really amazing, though. You should read about her sometime!)

Fergus’ wedding is today. Actually, I probably should be running around like a headless chicken just like everyone else, getting ready. I am just not that excited about it. Don’t get me wrong, Oriana is wonderful, and I am so glad my brother has someone who loves him and makes him happy, but it just reminds me that I’m alone. It’s not as if I want to be married any time soon, or even ever. That’s not a priority of mine, but it would be nice to think that someone might love me like that someday.

Last summer, I almost thought— well, never mind what I thought. It doesn’t matter now. You’re gone, and any feelings you might possibly have for me are gone with you. I just wish we had actually had time to talk about the kiss and what it meant. I tried and tried to tell myself that it was just some stupid, drunken thing, but that’s not true, at least not on my end.

Nate, I think I’m in love with you. I’ve tried everything I can think of to explain my feelings, but none of it makes sense. I think I’ve loved you for a really long time, and didn’t realize it because it’s not like the love I’ve read about in stories. It’s not some grand, magical thing. It’s not anything I thought love was supposed to be. I’m still not sure how to explain it, but it hurts, especially now that you’re not here. It’s like a part of me is missing. It’s stupid, I know, but that’s the truth.

I don’t expect you to feel the same way about me. Please don’t think that. I just think that I might actually explode if I hold all of these feelings inside. I thought I owed it to myself to be brave and tell you. I thought you should know.

Really, what I want to say most, is that I miss you. Summer just isn’t the same without you here. I hope that you are faring better than I, and that you learn a lot during your training. I know you didn’t want to go, but I am still envious of you. Maybe one day, when you come back to Ferelden — if you come back to Ferelden— you can tell me all about it.

Love,

Liss

Liss folded the parchment, slid it in an envelope, and sealed it with a wax stamp as quickly as she could. Before someone could read what she wrote. Before she could change her mind. She could, of course, still shred the letter or drop it in the fireplace. That was the good thing about letters: Until they were sent, you could always take back the words you wrote. She didn’t think she would. As much as the thought of telling Nate she loved him terrified her, the thought of not telling him terrified her more.

A tear dropped from her chin to land on the polished wooden surface of her desk. She had done so well, too, making it through the entirety of the letter without crying all over the parchment. She wiped at her eyes and cheeks with the backs of her hands, attempting to scrub away the evidence of her broken heart, but they just kept coming. Stupid heart. Stupid eyes. Stupid tears.

A knock at the door stiffened her back and she worked even harder to hide the fact that she’d been crying.

“Y-Yes,” she muttered, “Come in.”

The door creaked open behind her and she looked over her shoulder to see her father, dressed in his formal attire. His greying hair was combed and styled handsomely. Despite being so polished, his expression was haggard as it always was when Liss did something bothersome. This time, it was probably just her red eyes and swollen nose.

“My girl, what in Thedas is the matter?” His voice resonated with concern as he moved closer to look at her face as if he would find the answer written on her forehead.

“I miss Nathaniel,” she said, standing and turning to face him, pressing her lips together to keep them from quivering. She held the envelope between her fingers and extended it out to him. “I was just… writing him a letter.”

“I know you care for Nathaniel, and that it’s been difficult for you since he left,” he answered gently, but the irritation was evident in his voice, “But Fergus’ wedding will start in just over an hour. Don’t you think it could have waited until later?”

She shook her head. “No, I don’t.“

He laughed and smiled sympathetically as he took the letter from her hand and tucked it into his coat. “All right, pup,” he said, kissing her forehead, “I’ll take your word for it. I’ll send it out first thing in the morning.”

“Thank you, Papa,” she mumbled, “I’ll go get ready now.”

Liss turned to wander away and get ready, when Papa called out to her again.

“Liss,” he said and she stopped to look back at him.

“Mhmm?”

“I’m sure that you already know this, but your mother asked me to remind you—“

“I know Arl Howe is here,” she interrupted, “Don’t worry. I won’t say anything to him. I’d actually rather pretend he isn’t here.”

“Well, you can’t blame us for being concerned.” He sighed. “You have a history of… saying whatever comes to mind.”

“I will be on my best behavior,” she promised, meeting her father’s gaze directly to show him she was serious.

“Please do,” Papa said, almost a plea, “If not for mine and your mother’s sake, for Fergus’ and Oriana’s.”

Liss nodded, kissed him on the cheek, and he exited the room. He closed the door gently behind him, leaving her to make herself presentable. If she could not engage in outward protest of Rendon Howe’s presence at the wedding after he ripped Nathaniel from their family, she would at least refuse to let him get to her. He would not have the gratification of seeing her upset.

Of course, it was easy to tell herself that he wouldn’t bother her, and another thing entirely to see his beady-eyed arrogance as he walked into the Chantry with Thomas and Delilah at his side. Liss had not expected her reaction to be so staggering and visceral, and she’d never wanted to spit in someone’s face as much as she did that slimy weasel of a man. Maker help her if he attempted to flaunt his preferred son about in front of her face like some sort of twisted consolation prize.

Delilah, pretty as a flower, long dark hair braided elegantly, waved at Liss subtly from across the room, and Liss returned the gesture. At her side, Thomas stood stiffly, all of the color washed from his handsome face, dark eyes sunken in and hollow. Liss pitied him. It was difficult to imagine the pressure he was under as his father’s heir. Nate once told her about how Tom had the hardest time handling their father, and how he’d been drinking a lot. She imagined things had only gotten worse without his big brother.

The ceremony was lovely, even more so than Liss would have imagined, elaborate Antivan decorations brightening up the drab Fereldan chantry hall. Liss focused her attention on the front of the room where her brother stood, fidgeting nervously and wiping at the corners of his eyes as he looked at Oriana. He seemed so grown up in all of his finery that it was hard to believe he was the same person as the clunky boy Liss had always known. He was a proper man now, and she was so proud of him. She turned to see both of her parents smiling, sniffling, and blotting tears from their eyes while Fergus and Oriana promised, before their families, friends, and the Maker himself, that they would love one another forever.

Liss hoped, with everything she had, that they could.

The formal ceremony concluded with the newly married couple’s kiss, and the attendees filed out of the Chantry in a hurry, most likely ready to return to the castle, where a feast was to be had. Liss was in no such hurry and meandered about slowly behind the crowd. She wasn’t exactly hungry, and the idea of a large hall full of rowdy people and loud music was not as appealing to her as it typically would have been. When she reached the castle, chatter already rang out into the courtyard, where several of the guests stood about gossiping.

Several pairs of unfamiliar faces examined her as she approached. It was rude, but she smiled at them nonetheless. When she walked past, she could hear them whispering behind her. Lies and nonsense spread about after her dance with Nathaniel last year. She could not count the number of rumors her parents had to discount since then. Rumors that she was betrothed to Thomas and having an affair with Nathaniel. Rumors that she danced with Nathaniel as a cover for her secret relationship with a servant. Rumors that Liss was “promiscuous,” and Nathaniel was just one of a long list of romantic conquests. Rumors that Nathaniel was a troubled young man who took advantage of her, and that’s why he was sent away the very next year. Liss wasn’t certain that Nate’s father hadn’t concocted every last one of them himself.

It all infuriated Liss so much she thought she might catch on fire, her hands tightening into fists at her sides as she bit her tongue and held her breath to keep from turning and giving the noble arseholes a piece of her mind. It made her sick to think that grown men and women had nothing better to do than spread vile, hateful rumors about people more than half their age, about children. She tried to remember what Papa had told her when she’d first heard them. “Anyone who matters, knows better than to believe this nonsense, and anyone who believes it doesn’t matter.”

She managed to keep her nose down and make it past the gossipers and through the gates into the main hall without incident. She realized she probably shouldn’t have kept her nose down for so long when she bumped directly into another person. She looked up, prepared to apologize, and her blood ran cold.

“You shouldn’t walk with your head down, Lady Cousland,” said Arl Howe in a voice that sounded as if it came more from his nose than from his mouth, “It is unbecoming.”

She would show him unbecoming, she thought, but knew better, and painted on an apologetic smile on her face instead. “Forgive me, my lord. I am afraid my brother inherited all of the good manners.”

“It seems that is the case in every family,” he replied with a hateful grin, pausing to watch as Liss attempted to not show her discomfort, and then continued, “Nathaniel sends his regards.”

“What would I care for his regards, my lord,” she asked, through her teeth.

“It is my understanding that you two were close,” he explained with more than a little insincerity.

“We were.” Liss fought back the tears in her eyes and the rage in her chest.

“And yet, you don’t care for his regards?” He quirked up an eyebrow at her.

“No, my lord,” she stated, cooly, “I don’t. Not from you.”

Arl Howe flinched, opening and closing his mouth a few times. He had clearly not expected her to be so bold. If she were honest, she hadn’t either and instantly regretted her decision. There would be no taking it back. Panic swelled in her stomach and flushed her face, and then a hand fell gently on her shoulder.

“My apologies, Arl Rendon,” a silvery, voice Liss knew to be Oriana’s rang out, “I need to borrow Lady Elissa for a bit. Family business and such.”

Liss turned to look at the woman whose gaze was locked on the arl’s, a beautiful and sincere smile painting her face. Then she shifted her gaze back to Arl Howe, who narrowed his eyes.

“By all means,” he muttered and waved them away with a dismissive flip of his hand.

“Come on,” Oriana said to Liss, motioning to the door that led to the gardens with her head.

They walked arm in arm to the gardens, Oriana smiling and waving graciously at guests as she passed by, stopping just a few times to thank a few people who congratulated her. She was perfect and elegant and everyone loved her in a way that made Liss know she was made to be the Teyrna of Highever. She’d never felt more thankful for “family business,” in her life, whatever it was.

When they reached the gardens, Oriana released Liss’ arm and turned to face her, placing a hand on each of her shoulders. “Are you all right?”

“Mhmm.” Liss nodded absently and looked around for the other members of her family before looking back at Oriana. “What is the family business.”

“There is none,” she replied with a wink, “I just wanted to get you away from that horrible man. Are you certain that you are all right?”

Liss wanted to tell her she was fine, that she had just had an uncomfortable exchange with the arl, and that it was not a big deal. She didn’t want to burden Oriana with her own stupid problems on her wedding day. She should be inside with Fergus, having fun eating and drinking, celebrating their marriage. She shouldn’t be out in the gardens consoling her husband’s pathetic little sister.

She wanted to do all of those things, but she could not keep the hot tears from pooling in her eyes under Oriana’s concerned gaze. She couldn’t stop them from falling down her cheeks, and dripping from her chin. So she shook her head slowly. “No,” she said hoarsely, “I’m not.”

“Oh, poor girl,” she said sweetly and pulled Liss into a protective sort of embrace with one hand in her hair, “I am sorry I did not get to you sooner.”

Unable to hold back the flood of emotions any longer, especially with the other woman’s overt sympathy, Liss wrapped her arms around her and sobbed as Oriana raked gentle fingers through her hair, occasionally reassuring her that everything would be okay. Liss eventually calmed down enough to pull away from Oriana and apologize.

“I’m sorry,” she said, sniffing, “You shouldn’t be… it’s your wedding and—”

“Nonsense,” Oriana interrupted affectionately, “We are sisters now. Family. We take care of one another, yes?”

“I, um…” Liss trailed off, too flustered and appreciative to form coherent words, “Thank you.”

Oriana took her hand and led her over to one of the stone benches that sat before the fountain centerpiece. She sat down and motioned for Liss to join her.

“I have heard the lies these people speak about you, Elissa,” she began, staring out at the water glistening in the fountain, “They have made similar claims about me.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Anything to destroy my relationship with Fergus, to make him question me.” Oriana closed her eyes and laughed. “Did you know that I am secretly the black sheep of a wealthy Antivan family, who paid your father handsomely to take me off of their hands?”

“They said that about you?”

“It is easier for them to believe than the truth, which is that Fergus fell in love with a commoner.”

“That’s so—” Liss began, but paused when she realized her voice had grown too loud in the excitement— “Stupid.”

“They are small people, Elissa. Insignificant. Their tiny little minds cannot understand anything beyond power and wealth. That Rendon Howe is the worst.”

“I hate him,” Liss spat.

“Me, too,” Oriana agreed, sighing and shifting a bit where she sat. She was silent for several moments and then a smile twitched on her lips. “It feels good to say that out loud.”

Liss giggled in agreement, and then looked at Oriana more seriously. “Thank you for rescuing me.”

“It is nothing, honestly,” Oriana said with a laugh, waving her hand vaguely.

“I am glad you are part of our family.”

Oriana smiled gently. “I can’t imagine a better family to be a part of.”

Footsteps rustled through the grass several feet away, and Liss snapped her had in the direction of the noise, only to see Fergus grinning from ear to ear.

“Oriana, love, everyone’s been asking where you’ve—” he stopped when he noticed Liss— “Liss?”

“Surprise,” Liss said dryly.

Fergus narrowed his eyes and stared at her much as Papa had done earlier, and she began to wonder if she really did have answers written on her forehead. “You’ve been crying?”

“I always cry.”

“Not like this, you don’t.” He knelt down and placed his hands on her shoulders. “What happened, Liss? Was it those damned rumors again?”

Liss nodded, tears coming back to her eyes.

“Who?” Fergus’ tone was more serious than she could recall ever recall it being. “I will kick their arses out so fast, Liss, just say the word.”

“Nobody I recognized,” Liss explained quickly, as touched by her brother’s protectiveness as she was alarmed, “It was just a lot, and then I ran into Arl Howe… literally.”

“Shit, sis.”

“He was not pleased, but I apologized, and I did so well…”

“But?”

“He told me that Nathaniel sent his regards,” she answered sheepishly.

Fergus sighed. “And you told him where to shove them, didn’t you?”

“Basically,” she admitted, but immediately added, “I was so angry it just slipped out. Luckily Oriana showed up before anything else happened.”

“And thank the Maker for that,” he said, eyeing his wife with admiration before turning back to Liss, “Sadly, Howe is probably the only person whose arse I can’t kick out tonight, or I would.”

“I know,” she replied before frowning playfully, “Now go back and enjoy your party. Both of you.”

“Only if you come with us,” Oriana chimed in and Fergus nodded.

Liss feigned a sigh, and relented. She would not let Arl Howe or an army of rumors get the better of her. They were small and insignificant, especially with her family by her side.

#dragon age #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #cousland #howesland #temperance #my writing #update #GOT STARTED OUT WITH A BANG #L-WORD BEFORE THE CUT WHAT

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allisondraste · 5 years

Text

Temperance (21/?)

Pairing: Nathaniel Howe/ Female, Non-HoF Cousland

Chapter Summary: Did someone say Denerim?

First Chapter Previous Chapter [AO3 LINK]

Denerim, 9:31 Dragon

It was a day’s journey from Vigil’s Keep to Denerim, far too brief of a journey for Nathaniel to properly untangle his thoughts and consider what he might actually say when he found Liss. That is, if she would hear it. For all the wonderful memories he had of her, the one that planted itself at the forefront of his mind, permanent and painful, was the moment he’d said goodbye. How her tears had dampened his shirt, stubborn arms clinging to him even as he tore himself away. She asked him to write, but he hadn’t. A stupid, selfish choice that he justified because it was the only way he knew how to cope with the emotional equivalent of losing a limb.

“There it is,” Lucia spoke up from beside him following a pensive and shaky sigh and he followed the line of her arm to see the walls of the capital sprawling before them.

Nathaniel nodded, but said nothing. It comforted him, at least, that she looked as apprehensive as he felt. Despite hours on the road together, talking about a great number of things, Lucia had not said a word about what she sought in Denerim. If their conversation on the battlements had been any indication, her circumstances were vaguely similar to his own.

“The last time I traveled to Denerim, it was on fire and under siege by the darkspawn.” She stiffened, fists clenched at her sides. “The archdemon awaited me a the top of Fort Drakon.”

“Let me guess. You expected this time to be easier, but it’s not.”

“I would prefer to face the dragon again, I think.” Lucia gave a sad half-smile, and shook her head. “As ridiculous as that sounds.”

“Facing a dragon is simple, predictable, with a very clear goal,” Nathaniel replied and Lucia eyed him curiously. He continued with a smirk despite her furrowed brows. “It’s much more complicated to face yourself and the consequences of your decisions.”

“It would seem your personal business in the city is such that you would prefer to face a dragon as well,” she stated, astute as ever. He’d expected her to forget that he had his own reasons for the trip. He almost wished she would have.

“I would rather face a legion of dragons,” he admitted with a sigh, and dropped his head. Lucia tapped him briefly on the arm, and he looked up just in time to see her smile and walk past him.

“We’ve prolonged the inevitable long enough,” she said decisively, glancing back at him over her shoulder, “With luck, dragons will swoop down and end our misery.”

Nathaniel snorted gracelessly, following behind her. “I hope you’re joking.”

It was well into the evening when they arrived in the city, vibrant rays of sunset hovering above, and yet Denerim still teemed with life, children running about outside in fur cloaks, breath visible in the air as their parents told them to come inside. The merchants in the square called for their final sales of the evening and began to put away their wares as guards walked about changing shifts and relieving their comrades. The energetic buzz fell silent as Lucia and Nathaniel passed by, children and parents, merchants and guards alike standing as statues with their mouths agape. Cries of “That’s her!” and “The Hero of Ferelden is back!” rang out clearly from the silent crowds, and Lucia just nodded politely before tugging at the hood of her cloak and pulling it up to cover her face.

Anonymity would not be an option for them, it seemed, and Nathaniel began to scan the alleys and tops of buildings for would-be assassins and vigilantes. There were sure to be those who still wished Lucia harm. Nothing suspicious caught his eye, but he remained wary until they reached the palace, but said nothing of his concern for her. She had enough on her mind already. The Queen herself had received news of their arrival, and she waited in the throne room to greet them. He was impressed and appalled by the speed with which word traveled through the capital.

A set of heavy wooden doors opened into the throne room where Anora sat, posture erect and proper, at the far end of the room. She stood when she noticed Nathaniel and Lucia and began to approach them, leaving her guards behind to grumble about her safety. She looked just as she had when they were children, pretty as a flower, but far less delicate. He had never questioned why Liss admired her as she did.

“Warden-Commander,” she exclaimed, “This is a pleasant, if not unexpected surprise.” She paused, her eyes darting toward Nathaniel, an amused expression spreading across her face.

“It has been some time, Your Majesty,” he said fondly.

“Indeed it has.” Anora nodded and looked down, eyes scanning his armor. “You are a Grey Warden now?”

“Apparently,” he answered with a shrug, glancing over at Lucia, “The commander saved me from the gallows. I owe her my life.”

“Don’t we all?” She offered him a sorrowful, understanding smile. Her father was a traitor, too, and she undoubtedly knew all too well what he meant. Anora turned her attention back to Lucia, face hardening. “I presume you did not travel to the capital to exchange pleasantries.”

“No, Your Majesty.” Lucia looked down at the grey stone floor beneath her, as if it were the most fascinating thing in the world. Never before had she seemed so young and inexperienced than she did now standing before the Queen of Ferelden. “I am here to see Alistair.”

Anora frowned, eyes filled with sympathy that crackled in her voice when she spoke. “Alistair is… not in Denerim at the moment.”

“Oh,” Lucia remarked softly, seeming to crumple under the weight of disappointment. Nathaniel didn’t know who Alistair was, but he was clearly important to her, she had built herself up for this moment, and he wasn’t there. He felt for her.

“He and Lady Cousland –” Anora glanced at Nathaniel, with a subtle yet knowing expression– “left for Highever yesterday morning. It was not to be a long trip, but I am not certain when he will return. Of course, you both are welcome to stay in the palace in the meantime.”

“Thank you, Your Majesty,” Nathaniel said, bowing his head briefly, a display of reverence he hoped was suitable to her.

She nodded in response and quickly ordered for servants to show the two of them to their rooms before excusing herself for the evening. Lucia sighed, staring off at the far wall morosely, as they waited.

“Are you all right?” He placed a hand on her shoulder, and she jumped slightly before looking at him.

“No,” she answered, voice hoarse and cracking as tears fell from her eyes. “I’m not.”

Nathaniel had never seen the woman cry before, and he was at a loss for how to console her. He settled upon giving her a few gentle pats on the shoulder, letting his hand rest there for a moment. Just as he released her shoulder, Lucia turned suddenly and embraced him tightly, both arms around his waist as she sobbed into his chest. He tensed, shocked by the abrupt and unexpected contact, but eased and returned the hug. He did not need to know her situation to understand how she felt. Liss wasn’t present either, and it was all he could do to hold it together.

By the time Nathaniel saw Lucia again, the next afternoon at an impromptu meeting called by Queen Anora to discuss the situation in Amaranthine, she had completely composed herself and it was as if she were unaffected at all. He didn’t know how she managed. She apologized for her “embarrassing” behavior the night before, and requested that they keep her breakdown between the two of them. He gave her his word, but assured her that she did nothing wrong all the same.

The meeting with the queen lasted just long enough for them to recount the tale of the sentient darkspawn in Amaranthine and explain the decision to torch the city. She agreed that it was a prudent decision, but was uncertain that she could convince the Landsmeet to believe the same. It was not ideal, but it was better than the Wardens having the ire of the crown. When the meeting adjourned, Nathaniel and Lucia both stood and turned to leave.

“Nathaniel,” Anora called out, and he stopped, just as he reached out to pull open the door.

“Yes, Your Majesty?”

“I’d like to speak with you alone for a moment, if you don’t mind.”

Nathaniel looked at Lucia who shrugged, nodded, and exited the room, letting the door close behind her. He walked back toward the center of the room and sat down in a chair directly across from Anora. She pulled open one of the drawers to her desk, took something out of it, and rose to her feet.

“I have some information about your brother,” she stated, her words hesitant.

“I know,” Nathaniel said, dropping his head, “Thomas died at Ostagar.”

Anora’s brows pressed together in a stern expression and she walked around her desk with what appeared to be a sealed envelope in hand. She extended it to Nathaniel. “This is for you.”

Nathaniel blinked, confused, but took the envelope from her hands. It was unaddressed and the seal bore no crest or other insignia. “Whatㄧ”

“You should read it,” Anora urged, and stepped back around to sit behind her desk.

Nathaniel broke open the seal and pulled out what appeared to be a letter addressed to him.

Dear Nate, Surprise! I’m not dead. I know, I know. You aren’t amused, but stop scowling; it’s rude (That’s what Delilah says, isn’t it?). I apologize that things had to be this way, but when I managed to survive Ostagar and when I heard what Father had done, I didn’t want to go back. His was not a legacy I ever wanted, no matter how much he pushed it on me, and I especially want no part in it now. I fled the country and asked Queen Anora for help. She signed off on my death record, so now I’m free.

I am living in Antiva right now, working for some merchant’s guild. As it turns out, I am actually quite good at selling things. Perhaps I’ll make a career of it. Who knows! I’m much more well-suited to it than I ever was to fighting or running an arling. I’d much rather be “common rabble,” as Father would have called it, than to be forced into an oppressive marriage and pretend to be someone who I’m not for the rest of my life.

I’ve stopped drinking. I thought you would be proud of me for that.

I always said that it was just something I did for fun, but Delilah was right. It was how I coped with all of the shit father put us through. I’m not as strong as you or resilient as Delilah, and it was all I knew how to do.

I am happy here, truly. I’ve met people who I trust, and made a few close friends. One of them actually moved to Denerim a few months ago, when the Blight ended. She’s a former assassin fleeing the Crows with the help of some Zevran person. She helped me get my letters to the queen. Bria is her name. I think she’s working as a blacksmith, or something. She did not say exactly when she left. Should you ever need to contact me, you will need to see her.

Nate, I know it will be hard, but please don’t tell Delilah about this. She will just insist on finding me, and it’s not safe. I might be found out. It might implicate the queen. It’s messy, and I know you’ll feel guilty, but I trust you. You’re the only person I’ve ever really trusted.

I love you brother, and I miss you. I hope that you are well.

Sincerely, Thomas

P.S. Please destroy this letter after you read it. I wouldn’t want it falling into the wrong hands.

Nathaniel laughed in disbelief as he finished the letter. Tom had survived after all, and was now free to live the life he always wanted. It’d be a hard secret to keep, but one that he was grateful for knowing. His family wasn’t quite as broken as he thought. Holding the letter, he stood and walked to the fireplace that burned on the far side of the room. He dropped the parchment into the flames and watch as it dissolved into ash before turning to face Anora once again.

“I don’t know how to thank you,” he said, voice hoarse with emotion, “I’m certain that whatever I could come up with wouldn’t be good enough.”

“That won’t be necessary.” She stood and crossed the room to stand in front of him, staring into the flames for several moments. “When I first took the throne, just months ago, I believed that it was my duty to atone for my father’s crimes. I thought that I would forever bear the weight of his decisions, suffer in his stead. I have made so many apologies I could not count them.

“Then, when I offered my reparations to the Couslands, to Elissa and Fergus, for what was done to them with my father’s approval, they told me I owed them nothing, and that we should learn from the sins of our fathers rather than suffer from them.”

“The Couslands are good people, Your Majesty.” Nathaniel nodded.

“Indeed.” She grinned widely. “I just thought that I should share that with you. I am uncertain how you are handling the news of what your father did, but I think your family doesn’t need to be forever tainted by his actions. Thomas deserves his happiness, as does Delilah, and yourself.”

“Thank you, again, Your Majesty,” he said, bowing more formally this time, “For everything.”

Nathaniel left the queen’s office, head buzzing with everything that had transpired in such a short span of time, and uncertain how to process it all. He was still filled with overwhelming dread at the thought of facing Liss, but it was muted by the excitement about his brother, and his gratefulness to Anora. He decided that he would see how his companion was faring, and then make a trip to the market, if for no other reason than to distract himself.

When he reached the door to the guest room designated for Lucia, he lightly rapped his knuckles against the wood. He heard shuffling noises from the other side, followed by an, “Is that Nathaniel?”

“Yes.”

“You can just come in.”

Nathaniel did as she said, pushed down on the knob, and entered the room. At first glance, he could not see Lucia, then he noticed her sitting on the floor by the bed, cross-legged with a quill and small journal in hand. She dipped the quill in an inkwell at her side and brought it up to drag it across the paper in hurried, yet smooth lines.

“I haven’t quite mastered drawing with ink,” she remarked as she squinted and furrowed her brows, examining her work thus far, “But there wasn’t any charcoal available, so I made do.”

“I didn’t know you could draw,” he observed, as he walked over to stand beside her, peering down at her work. “That looks like King Maric, when he was younger.”

Lucia laughed and looked up at him. “Well it’s good to know I captured the family resemblance.”

“It’s Cailan, then?”

“Alistair.”

“Alistair,” Nathaniel repeated, “You said that name yesterday. Is he the bastard who Arl Eamon tried to put on the throne?”

She nodded. “Yes, and if you mention it to him, he won’t shut up about it. He was upset by the whole affair.”

“You seem fond of him, but I don’t think I’ve heard you mention him before.”

“I haven’t.” Lucia inhaled a shaky breath. “Yesterday was the first time I had said his name out loud since I left for Amaranthine. I thought that if I ignored the pain, it would just go away. As it turns out, I just habituated to hurting.”

Nathaniel understood more than he was willing to admit. Wasn’t that what he’d been doing for the past nine years? Pretending his feelings didn’t exist?

“I should have written to him, but I didn’t,” she added, closing the journal, and setting it to her side with the quill and inkwell. “I’m not even sure why.”

“Willful illiteracy,” Nathaniel remarked dryly. That had been his own experience.

“That’s it!” Lucia laughed and rose to her feet, picking up her art supplies and setting them on the desk before turning back to face Nathaniel. “How was the meeting with Anora?” “Good. We just talked about our families.”

“I suppose you two have much in common now. In an unfortunate way.”

“We do.”

There was a brief pause, and then Lucia shook her head and brought her eyes up to meet Nathaniel’s. “I’m sure you came here for a reason. What did you need?”

“I’m heading to the Market District, a distraction. I thought I’d see if you wanted to come.”

“I’d like that.”

Late afternoon in the Market District was even busier than it had been in the early evening. People milled about, some busying themselves with the kiosks in the center of the square, others wandering from shop to shop, browsing wares. A dwarven merchant shouted something about “Dwarven Crafts” so many times that Nathaniel could reasonably predict when he would say it again. Patrons stood outside the tavern, chatting with one another. It seemed that the people of Denerim had gotten over their initial shock of seeing the Hero of Ferelden, as a few watched her with admiration, but did not interfere or impose in any other way. Most people just carried on as usual.

They visited several shops, passing by the smithy several times. Had Lucia not been along, he might have introduced himself to the woman his brother mentioned in the letter. Perhaps another time. Lucia ended up purchasing several things, including a fewl large, empty flasks she intended to use to experiment with a new potion, as well as some charcoal. She must have decided against practicing with ink.

As late afternoon turned to evening they made their way back to the palace, Lucia insisting on carrying her own things despite Nathaniel’s offer to help her. He assured her that he knew she could carry the things on her own, but that she did not have to. She refused nonetheless. They reached the main door to the palace that opened into the sprawling vestibule. Nathaniel grabbed the handle to the door, pulling it open for Lucia. As he held the door, he heard a loud clatter and rushed inside.

“Is everything all r-”

Lucia stood just in front of the door, surrounded by shards of shattered glass from having dropped the bags to the floor. He nearly grumbled at her about refusing his help, but he noticed that her eyes were locked on something at the far end of the room. He snapped his head in that direction to see what had so captivated her.

It was a lovely young couple that stood across from them, arms wrapped around one another affectionately, and the kiss they shared was rather chaste and brief, like a kiss to say goodnight, or goodbye. The man, he thought, looked rather melancholy, a frown on his face as he pulled away and rubbed the back of his neck. The woman, well, she was Liss, and needless to say, Nathaniel understood why Lucia had dropped her things.

#dragon age #dragon age origins #dragon age awakening #nathaniel howe #nathaniel howe x cousland #cousland #howesland #temperance #update #my writing #i'm prepared to be hollered at #i already know #i deserve it #it's really late but I couldn't stop writing

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