#hopefully I’ll actually go to sleep

[wishmemel]

i feel so relaxed and happy and in love with my life knowing today was a reset day. i did my homework, took ample breaks, prayed, oiled my hair, took a warm shower, shaved, washed my hair, and am about to study some more before bed. when did i miss out on life being so simple and beautiful?

#going to start this week fresh and happy #hopefully sleep at a decent time #i’ve got 3 tests this week - 2 that i missed n need to catch up on #but i’m not going to procrastinate this time #i’m going to allocate my time properly and study and get them done #and next week i’ll do that with my other class #and the week after i’ll do it with the third #i’m going to actually attend class and pay attention and do the homework questions #read books and listen to good music #pray a lot and be grateful for what i have #i’m so thankful for everything #i thought life would never feel like this again #but it’s nice to know that giving up is temporary #life really does and will get better #it might get bad again #but it’ll always get better again #꒰ soon you'll get better. ꒱

[floral-hex]

woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.

#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void #shits rough dawg #I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts #haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier #it’s cold #saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early. #and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed. #went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours #guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left #even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are #I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh #my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week #maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done. #I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting #woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside #hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning #can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding) #actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so… #I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience #anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments #I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired. #I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die. #is this relatable? #just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda. #gonna look at pictures of butts now #ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever #you can ignore this #text

[50thvictor]

also my revived t.hg obsession is 100% to blame on me watching ballad of so.ngbirds & s.nakes in the cinema last week & also reading the book uwu

#tbd #going insane about all of it actually #also actually I’m listening to the audiobook but that‘s besides the point fjfkdndmdmdl #anyway I need sleep but I’ll hopefully be here tomorrow ❤️ #also trying to figure out what I wanna do for a promo 😭

[lieximhuman]

Jodio.

#this is actually a diary entry #only the important stuff in there fr #art #jjba #jjba fanart #jjba part 9 #jojolands #jodio #jjba jodio #Jodio Joestar #okay I’m going to sleep now haha #tomorrow I’ll hopefully have his outfit memorized

[yay-depression]

i know the phrase “normalize ____” is overused but god i wish we would normalize being on medication long-term/for a lifetime.

#if another abled person implies the end goal is to remove medication instead of the end goal being my superior quality of life #i will legitimately lose it #had a meeting with an ADHD SPECIALIST #who implied that hopefully my life-long insomnia will be fixed soon and i can get off those meds #like the goal is to remove medication and the like the goal is not for me to sleep though the fucking night #i’m not sorry me being comfortable with my disability bother you #go to therapy #or get your shit rocked by a disabled person #either option is fine with me but you need one of them #google search: how do i tell the ADHD specialist he’s being ableist #actually disabled #cw ableism #ableism #neisvoid #i have physical disabilities as well so i’m not going to say like ‘you wouldn’t say this about someone on blood pressure meds!’ bc like #obviously they will. and they do #but in the age demographic that most does this to me it is also people on long-term medication #it’s just medication related to ‘aging’ so it’s not as weird i guess?? #this specific incident was about my insomnia medication which i’ve taken since i was eight #and the idea that i might have to take it forever sits great with me actually bc it means i’ll be able to sleep for my whole life #but it’s a problem that i was born with and so i’ve had more ppl (even those on long-term meds for things like arthritis or blood pressure) #say shit to me about it #like bc i’m young i need to be fixed #or bc it’s not an age related problem then it can be cured #and it fucking can’t. stop trying to make that the goal #my psychiatrists have said ‘listen if the meds haven’t changed your brain yet. it’s probably not happening’ #and that’s fine with me!! #but the fact that that’s fine with me weirds a lot of ppl out #specifically adults in their 40s and up #cripple punk

[milo-is-rambling]

Chronic pain really got me going to bed before it’s even dark out (also my little pink unicorn lights Millie got me look so cool in the second pic)

#my back and shoulder are killing me and I’ve done nothing but smoke weed and stretch and I just hurt so bad #so I’m gonna go to bed and hopefully feel better tomorrow #I work at nine again tomorrow so if anything hopefully going to bed early helps that #I’m excited to sleep hopefully a lot and hopefully really well bc 1) weed. 2) took sleepy cough meds to try and mooch extra pain reliever #out of meds in my cabinet. 3) took a back and muscle pain Aleve (even tho I hate taking pills and it took me like three whole min to get it #down my fucking throat. 4) tired from actually using my brain and anxiety from work tired #5) period tired and chronic pain tired #like guys my brain and my body are both exhausted and the idea of getting up tomorrow and doing any of it again makes me miserable and I did #nothing but sit at a computer for three and a half hours that’s itttttt #like doing two week road-trip then non stop either emotional or physical shit every day until my first day at work #like I’m already setting myself up for this to be the summer of the grind #gonna make a bunch of money (and spend too much and blame it on the summer time and needing a little treat every time I venture out into the #heat or work a day or do anything at all) and then save a bunch all fall winter spring and once it gets colder and I feel like I can handle #my job more I want to focus on how to make moving out happen. like I need to figure out if maybe there’s somewhere I want to live that has #an Office Depot I could transfer to cause office depots are everywhere and maybe that’s an added way for me to figure out where I want to #move #hmmm okay I’m gonna lay in bed on google maps looking at Office Depot locations in New England and I’m just gonna daydream and try to fall #asleep and I’ll look at / add to my Pinterest board of house and apartment inspo #going to think about the future because I want to live !!!! #anyways yeah this is the summer of being miserable and spending all my money on bullshit and daydreaming and disappointing my mother #and also the summer of my weed tolerance doubling forever until I’m back to smoking constantly to the point where I’m making myself sick and #then I’ll get sick of smoking weed for a bit and that’ll lead me into saving money again #or force me into a tolerance break where I stop buying weed #either way I’m going to smoke all summer it’s gonna be weed and sweat and fresh fruit and laying in my room during all of my days off and it #it’s gonna suck and I’m gonna be thinking about my dad the whole time and it’ll be depressing and isolating and lonely and I’ll come out of #the summer recentered and motivated towards big goals again like I always am #and then I’ll crash and burn next spring as always. cycles continue forever thank u seasonal depression. #I want to grow up and mature in the ways I deal with myself my health and advocating for my mental health I feel like I need to grow up a #bit so I hope I do that and it feels good. I hope I make friends and I can daydream about the future every night and my room will smell like #weed and incense and sweat and love and tears and it will be incredible

[iinmysights]

my arm hurty and my nose pressy but almost $2k later my tattoo is finished teehee :3

#Ravage.txt #dl #i’ve been wanting this specific one for a good 3-4 years now so it’s bizarre to me that it’s. done. it’s all finished. i have it now #cant wait for the saniderm to come off i hope the yellow looks good on my skin tone 🙏🙏 highkey bled a lot right below my collarbone (and #that’s just what i noticed when i wasn’t reading fanfic) so it was really hard to see how the bit of color looked with the ever-present #ketchup and mustard (ink smear) combo. fingers fucking crossed it looks good bc that was three hours and i approved the bottle lmao #in my defense it looked good!!! great even!!! god i hope i don’t need to get it touched up/redone in the end ugh even more money #oh em gee this tag is so fitting when i typed ‘anyway’ #anyway bye i’m missing my favorite scene (blackout absolutely wrecking a base’s shit) #<- like yes i AM missing my favorite scene. granted it’s on purpose bc i’m going to bed i’m too tired to finish the movie but STILL #blowing a kiss to my action figure of blackout on my desk love u king one day i’ll get a copy so u can be in both modes at once #i haven’t even tried to transform him or megs bc i threw out the instructions for one on accident and lost the other </3 + they were expensy #af. and i like them in robot mode they’re so cool i’m so glad dad got me into collecting. i need r.otf a.rcee and 2007 b.arricade now frfr #i found them already but it’s like 30 or 40 bucks plus whatever shipping is and i both spent $500 on my tat today AND i’m saving for art #comms so like :/ blegh. BUT two weeks from now i may get a brief housesitting gig which will hopefully pay pretty well considering the labor #so who knows maybe i’ll get them! i love 2007 b.arricade honestly it’d be great to have him. and a.rcee is easily one of my favs as my #collection demonstrates (ULTIMATE fav is r.ipclaw). anyway night night my allergy med is working slightly so i’ll be able to actually sleep

[bonnie-bug]

made the mistake of watching one of those fake emergency broadcast videos on youtube (specifically one based in quebec where a good chunk of the world was rapidly covered in 14+ meters of snow in the middle of summer) and even tho it wasn’t supernatural spooky scary it hasnt left my fuckin head and now i cant stop thinking “what if something like that happens. what if there’s a demon attack. what if there’s some kind of creature in ur hallway right now. what if a fuckin scp was real and your only warning was an emergency broadcast just like that”

I dont even believe this kind of shit is real WHY is my brain so fuckin paranoid about supernatural shit. lowkey it happens every night but it’s always worse when I watch something even slightly supernatural horror adjacent. why. I only even watched the stupid video BECAUSE it wasnt a creature/scp/supernatural horror based one and I thought I’d be fine :(

#I’ve always had anxiety around alert noises tho :/ my mom was paranoid abt storms and so had a weather alert radio when I was a kid #and since she was always afraid of bad storms that made ME scared and I dreaded every time I heard that radio go off #and it’s the automatic alert sound for so many emergency broadcasts it still gives me an anxiety spike to this day #so maybe that has something to do with it. but why also spooky horror creatures. #it’s never normal shit like ‘’what if a guy broke into our house’’ or anything no it’s always a fuckin demon or something #I should be clear here and say these paranoia. things never actually tip me into an anxiety or panic attack or anything dont worry #but. it IS annoying. and I’m so tired of it. and I’ve come up with coping mechanisms but idk how to make them Stop #bc just saying ‘’bro it’s not real’’ does nothing bc i KNOW its not. but they still keep happening #would these count as some kind of intrusive thought. bc it definitely causes me distress but it’s not like. the harmful idea kind #and idk what the nuance is and what actually counts as an intrusive thought and not just Brains Thinking Shit #And Sometimes That Shit Is Distressing #idk. I’m procrastinating getting my water from the living room bc a lot of my Bad Thoughts are centered around that hallway/living room area #maybe I’ll just turn on the light or something. I dont want to make my dad get my water for me #bc ‘’I watched a slightly spooky video this afternoon and now my brain is convinced demons will kill me’’ is a hard thing to explain #I mean he’d be nice about it and get my water I’m sure but I also dont want him to worry abt me kdbdbdkd #ok. I’ll turn on lights and go. and hopefully I can actually sleep tonight kdbdbdk #I’m not sticking this in my post tag bc I dont want to find it again and trigger another paranoia night lmao

[limewatt]

hghghhh i did a bunch of shit today i’m tired. art stores are fun to look around in though

#i went to go get a physical then got bloodwork (dominant hand :[ gonna be a pain to do shit) then i went to two art stores #i finally used some art store gift cards i was given as gifts #buying stuff without using my money is great i love this and also i feel sick at making impulse purchases for shit i know i won’t use #i got some clay and some armature wire which i WILL use even if it kills me i want to dabble in sculpting #but instead of getting tools. which i need. i got a watercolour painting set. and i know in my heart i will not use it more than once #i thought ‘surely the other store i have a gift card for will have some sculpture tools right?’ and IT DIDNT #so i got a plastic skull cause thats a logical conclusion #i knowwwwwwww this is overall a W #i finally used this gift card i’ve had for a year and started using one i just got #and i only paid 1 single dollar of my own money. 98 cents i gave a loonie. one coin i spent. i could recoup that by looking under the couch #BUT NOW I HAVE MORE SHIT THAT WILL STARE AT ME AS I TRY TO SLEEP #IM SORRY ACRYLICS IM SORRY CANVASES IM SORRY BRAND NEW WATERCOLOUR KIT #IM A DIGITAL ARTIST I HATE WORKING IN PHYSICAL MEDIUMS BUT THEYRE SO ALLURING!!!! #the other day i got suddenly inspired #i finally used some shitty clay that i’ve had for years. and it was really extremely shitty to the point that i couldn’t work with it #and attempted to make a shitty figurine. but it’s shitty and the modeling materal is shitty and it sucks real bad #but making the armature with the too thick wire i had was fun and the idea of sculpting is fun so i want to give it a chance #so i got (hopefully) better clay that’s actually clay and wire #and i’ll learn how to actually make an armature #and try real hard #probably. hopefully. #aaaaaaaaaaaaa fuck it we ball fuck it we ball fuck it we ball #the least i can do is try!!!!!!

[ubassembly]

First (100% certain) shiny is a male combee! He’s perfect as he is he doesn’t need to evolve I’m going to train him so so powerful you’ll see

#not really any spoilers #i was going for a smolive but this is fine too #look I’m not doing a badge quest but like #I’m not not yknow #I’m not actually committing to doing one I’m just #coincidentally planing on shiny hunting before I do badges on the second file since that one’s making its way toward ditto for #starter masuda hunting reasons #if I can find ditto on my main gate I might get started with sprigatito since that’s on the other language save file already #I’ve already seen it’s shiny unfortunately but I haven’t seen how it evolves so! #anyway. not a badge quest but not not a badge quest #either way I’m doing it properly this time so I’m not going till I get smolive #what shows up shows up and I’m ok with that #i might post an image of the combee once I settle on a name but only maybe. i don’t have a lot of energy at the moment so I might not be abl #able to .just imagine the most perfect and amazing combee(shiny) and that’s him <3 I don’t know his nature though actually I #I’ll need to translate it when I can #which is not now coz now is sleep #i don’t think I need to go back up and tag this as spoilers?hopefully it is I’ve honestly already forgotten what I said

[fluttersheep]

took a warm shower with lavender soap. moisturized. did some stretches. gonna try guided sleep meditation again. cross your fingers for a full nights sleep. it’s gotta happen eventually

good night

#flutterspeak #regardless of how it goes i’ve got a day planned for tomorrow #gonna make cookies for my friends birthday #take bun to a park if it doesn’t rain (it’s finally mid eighties temperatures which means fall is finally coming soon) #do a bob ross painting which i’ve always wanted to do but never have #and hopefully just take it easy #maybe go to an antique store if i have the energy #i could also do that sunday .. gotta keep it realistic since sleep deprivation #oh yeah actually i should do that bc nearby my favorite shop is my tattoo place and i can run my drawing by them #i’ve already got a tiktaalik design drawn out lmao #i still want the bosch one too i’ll have to decide which i want first

[ifeelfreewithoutmyshoes]

I’m starting to get overwhelmed and considering canceling plans, I should probably head to bed

#besides this Sunday I only have one weekend day where I don’t have plans until April…. #and only like a Friday off as well #all of it is fun stuff #and most of it is bc I’m going on a school trip and regular trip for like half of march #but that means all my plans are now before then #and the last week has been really socially busy as well #and I wanna get a haircut and dye my hair before leaving #and my parent wanna see me… #it’s all so busy I feel like #I’ll wait and see but maybe next week I’ll post phone one of my Saturday plans #bc my friend proposed that herself when we discussed dates #so I might actually take her up on that… #we’ll see once I’ve slept a bit hopefully during the weekend #there’s also a party this Saturday that I thought about joining after my dinner plans #considering skipping it now…. #I’ll sleep and we’ll ale one day at a time #me

[burnthybread]

extremely anxious over going back to school tomorrow 🥶🥶

#sorry guys sometimes typing it out helps. actually kt helps a lot I dunno why I said sometimes #alright tomorrow im going back to school. I’ll have to be ready by 7:40 and I will also have to brush my hair get ny card and keys + lunch #ill have maths then french and #Irish. then maths again and double art #then physics English biology. #ill br out at 3:30 Snd will hopefully not hace to stand out in the rain #i will need to quickly read over maths befire school starts #and physics later on #i had an art essay due which I never did because I genuibekt forgot. rough #i have the English book #maths will be scary as always but thats okay. deep breath and you’ll be fine #french and Irish so fine #mags and art will be fine after. art may be a little scary but thsts a okay #physics scary. as always. English will be fine and biology will most likely be going over test #i didnr do as well as I usually do on thst test but thats okay. ir will be the forst test this year i didnt do too well on #and I’ll still have passed it praise god. #then you’ll take another deep breath and go home. I’ll have a wuick ‘sleep’. then shower. then either lunch or hw Snd Then I can #either study or do domething id like or go to bed early #exams ARE coming up so I Will need to be studying very hard #oh and Molly’s birthday. and I need lots if new copies #next I need to make a list of specific things ti study #then ! bobs ur uncle? #deep breaths. I only hsve two friends snyway Snd they Will be there to support me after school no doubt. they do not hate me and want me to #be safe happy and not anxious.

[milo-is-rambling]

I am not immune to propaganda (Levi asking what the movie was called and then me watching it instantly)

#who needs rick and morty when you have the only Batman movie you consistently watch (I mean technically birds of prey is the same universe #but like not really a batman movie and also the Lego batman movie which I might actually watch after this one. #I think it’s good background for my tidying up my room a bit and then starting to pack and plan more for my roadtrip. I’ll also pull the #blankets out of the car and wash them and then hopefully I’ll feel like going to the car wash and vacuuming out the glass from the McLeod #WHAT IS THAT I TYPED MIDDLE #of the middle seats bc that’s where my head will go while I sleep in the car and I don’t want it to be chunks of broken glass 👍

[kaeyaphile]

y’all ngl this kaeya fic i’ve been working on for ages now is easily the MOST self-indulgent thing i have EVER written, it’s kind of sort of all over the place but i swear to all of the gods i just need to LOVE this man because he DESERVES it and NEEDS it

why can’t i ever feel this intensely for a real person? lmao

#kayleigh.txt #i haven’t slept much within the past uhHhHh 36hrs tbqh #it is definitely beginning to show lmfao #should i be writing fic while extremely depressed and sleep deprived? probably not #am i going to do it anyways? of course #i wrote that silly little thoma comfort fic for my bestie last night after all #legitimately just wordvomited for two hours in hopes of cheering them up #it worked supposedly so mission accomplished at least! #okay alright i’m gonna write a bit more and then genuinely take a nap #idk i tried sleeping on the couch and that doesn’t work too well #i tried sleeping in my bed earlier in hopes of getting some rest but that also didn’t work #i’m just going to exhaust myself later via cleaning and genshining and #hopefully i’ll actually be able to sleep tonight #gonna hardcore clean the rabbit room today #and possibly also clean up a bit in my bedroom downstairs??? depends #i need to tidy up in the reptile room too #procrastination will be my downfall but then again it ain’t like i’ve gotta go to work anytime soon ugh #making poor life choices will also be my downfall lmao