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gastricpierrot · 8 months

Text

Title: Make it better

Series: Honkai Star Rail

Relationship: JingHeng

Rating: T

Warnings: this was written before the 1.4 update and also dh's companion quest so uhh there might be some inaccuracies

Summary:

It has taken many months for Dan Heng to come to terms with it, but Dan Feng was not defined solely by his unforgivable crime aboard the Luofu, nor could he be held fully responsible for Dan Heng’s childhood of imprisonment. After all, what weight could a deceased man’s wishes possibly hold when he had already been irreversibly condemned in the days leading to his death?

Thus sparks the next question: what sort of person had Dan Feng really been?

As fate would have it, the one person he could very well ask now happens to be within reach.

Also on AO3

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“...and why are you asking me this?”

Dan Heng crosses his arms, doing his best to come across unfazed by the aggressive puppy-eyed looks Caelus and March are giving him. He leans away when March pushes closer, his core muscles working hard to hold him steady.

“Because!!” she says, a bit too loud for the mere handspan of distance between them. “We’d really love to have Jing Yuan on board for a while!”

“But we wouldn’t want to make you uncomfortable,” Caelus adds, gently tugging March back by the shoulder before Dan Heng could stumble from tilting too far back. He sure sounds calm and collected for someone who looks like they’ve been silently begging Dan Heng to say yes, please say yes ever since entering the room.

Dan Heng knits his brow, averting his gaze. “If there’s already a majority vote in favour of it, then—”

“The consensus is that he does not set a single foot onto the Astral Express until we get the okay from you!” March insists with a stubborn puff of her cheeks. Dan Heng’s frown deepens as he wonders how had the situation ended up like this. Though the answer is probably Caelus and his simple enthusiasm in wanting his new friends to have a taste of what the Express offers, it’s not that difficult to guess. If Dan Heng was one to prefer keeping his safe space all to himself, Caelus sits on the other end of the spectrum, always eager to share and show off his sources of comfort.

Dan Heng knows, of course, the actual reason why everyone is so adamant about getting his consent in particular when it comes to the guest in question. Calling his relationship with Jing Yuan “complicated” might be a gross understatement, he must admit. It’s been nearly two years since their mission aboard the Luofu, two years since Dan Heng was forced to face a past he’d been desperately running away from for over a century.

It’s been two years since his past greeted him not with the terrifyingly sharp edges of a shattered blade for once, but instead the gentlest smile filled with deep, unimaginable sorrow.

Dan Heng does not like the way Jing Yuan looks at him. He hated the undying expectation, the longing that threatened to crush him with all the weight of a bygone past. He is not Dan Feng, will never be Dan Feng. Though his flesh and bones may be the same, though they might share the same face, the same voice, perhaps even the same soul, at the very core of it all—Dan Feng is no longer here.

That’s how it should’ve been. Dan Heng did not understand why then, had his heart ached the way it did upon his reunion with Jing Yuan.

Sure, he remembers him personally sending him off on the day of his exile, and he knows he must’ve been the one who’d liaised with his master in a faraway planet to care for him and help train him back into fighting shape to defend himself from harm. He’d hidden Cloud Piercer within his supplies as well, and he’s probably also the one who slipped in a few extra books knowing the familiarity would help comfort him during a journey into the vast unknown. For these, Dan Heng is infinitely grateful.

But that still does not mean they should be more than simple acquaintances.

Truth to be told, Jing Yuan’s presence scares Dan Heng. All his hard work in dissociating himself from his predecessor, in convincing himself that he is his own person and all the experiences that define him, no one else—feels challenged whenever he is within Jing Yuan’s proximity. Why does he always experience inexplicable emotions in his presence? Why does part of him mourn for him, why does he have such intense urges to pull him into his arms and hold him, hold him until whatever’s keeping his old soul hurting fades away into nothing but a distant memory?

Where do the lingering traces of Dan Feng within him end, and where does Dan Heng begin when it comes to all these feelings?

Dan Heng has spent much far too long pondering over such questions, and even now, he’s certain he wouldn’t know what to do even if he ever finds the answers.

For the longest time, Dan Heng loathed Dan Feng for the fact that he had to bear his punishment. Some venerable High Elder he was, letting his next incarnation—nothing more than a child—shoulder the consequences of his sins. How cruel, selfish and shameless he was, to cause a child to grow up knowing only the confines of darkness and the unyielding pain of cursed stakes pierced into his flesh.

Yet contrary to all of these, all the suffering he had inherently brought him, Dan Feng also seemed to have been very loved. Many echoes at Scalegorge Waterscape spoke fondly of him, reminiscing his kindness, his warm heart, his sacrifices. Jing Yuan has never stopped loving him even after hundreds of years, and maybe, just maybe, that meant something.

Thus sparks the next questions: what sort of person had Dan Feng really been? What exactly had led to his rampage and what was the sin he’d committed that made the entire Alliance attempt to erase his feats from history?

Dan Heng had steeled himself to search for some answers himself, but all recorded material he managed to get his hands on were vague at best. The Xianzhou seems to have worked extremely hard to keep the actual sequence of events under wraps, which only confused Dan Heng further because why? Was it a matter of saving face? Had Dan Feng’s actions really brought so much shame to the Alliance that they would rather he stayed being known as nothing but a traitor for the rest of history despite all he has done for them?

It did not sit well with Dan Heng, somehow. He could not exactly pinpoint why it was so, but there’s something uniquely frustrating about knowing that he didn’t know nearly enough.

And as fate would have it, the one person he could very well ask just so happens to be within reach.

“...Dan Heng?” March prompts, her concerned voice tugging Dan Heng out of his thoughts. He blinks back into attention, not realizing how long he’d spent spacing out. “You can take your time thinking it over, you don’t have to answer us immediately.”

Perhaps Dan Heng really has spent far too long with his current companions, because his decision is entirely too spontaneous even to himself. But he also knows that if he doesn’t act now, he could very well remain hesitant for the rest of his life.

So he takes a deep breath, squaring his shoulders. “Sure, Jing Yuan can join us if he wants.”

xXx

And so, an emergency spring cleaning ordered by Pom-Pom and a warp jump later, it was time for the Arbiter-General of the Xianzhou Luofu to board the Astral Express.

Upon Jing Yuan’s insistence, it’s to be an extremely simple affair. The Express pulls in at one of the Luofu’s countless docks, and Jing Yuan will be there waiting for them.

And so he is. Alone. No Cloud Knights sending him off, no Master Diviner Fu to make snide remarks and assure him that the Luofu will be fine in her ever-capable hands even if he decides to leave for good. Jing Yuan stands alone at the platform, dressed in loose robes and a single bag slung over his shoulder, as he waits for the Astral Express to come to a stop.

Dan Heng has a growing suspicion that this might actually be part of his secret plans to sneak off without being noticed, but he promptly decides that’s none of his business.

The crew welcomes Jing Yuan with a shower confetti as soon as he steps through the carriage entrance. Specifically, March, Caelus and Pom-Pom does—and Dan Heng too, after being somehow persuaded into joining them. Which means he’s standing rather close to Jing Yuan when he comes in, and he gets to see the way his eyes subtly light up with delight even from something as silly as their childish greeting.

“Thank you for having me here,” Jing Yuan says, genuine excitement bubbling under the surface of his composure. He nods in greeting at every present member, his gaze seeming to linger on Pom-Pom just a little longer than the rest. He then lifts up the crate of freshly handcrafted drinks he’d been carrying with one hand. “It's my sincere hope that you would all accept some Immortal Delights as a sign of my gratitude.”

“Oh, General, you didn’t have to!” March is quick to say but even quicker to circle around their guest and eye her prize with glee. Dan Heng bites back a sigh as he reaches to tug at her sleeve, a silent plea for her to remember her manners as Pom-Pom steps forward to suggest settling down first before Jing Yuan goes around getting to know the other passengers.

“No, no, please allow me,” Jing Yuan insists as he places his luggage on the nearest couch. “These taste the best when fresh, so do enjoy them at your soonest convenience.”

And he proceeds to personally distribute every cup of milk tea he’s brought with him, each ordered slightly customized to suit the Express crew’s individual tastes. Dan Heng knows this because he was the one he’d texted a few days prior asking for advice. Himeko’s drink is more coffee than milk, while Welt’s should’ve been made with a special brew of tea that’s rarely on the Sleepless Earl’s menu. Pom-Pom’s has grass jelly instead of tapioca pearls, March’s is topped with an extra piece of bunny-shaped pudding, and Caelus’ contains soy milk instead of dairy.

“I got you the standard drink but less sweet,” Jing Yuan finishes with Dan Heng. He tilts his head slightly to the side. “Hope it suits your tastes?”

“It should be fine,” Dan Heng replies evenly, making sure he’s got a proper grip on the cup before Jing Yuan lets go. “Thank you, General.”

Jing Yuan’s eyes narrow into gentle crescents when he smiles. Dan Heng resists the urge to shift his feet, instead opting to avert his gaze and take his first ever sip of Immortal’s Delight.

It really does taste amazing, the milk and cream carrying a pleasant mouth feel and the slight bitterness of the tea balancing out the decadence of the brown sugar syrup. The tapioca pearls are cooked to chewy perfection, adding an extra layer to the drink’s sensory experience. Dan Heng isn’t usually one for sweet things, but even he can immediately tell why this particular beverage is so popular aboard the Luofu. He thinks he might have to skip dinner after finishing it, though.

“Passenger Jing Yuan,” Pom-Pom eventually totters over, saving Dan Heng from the pain of awkward silence between himself and their new guest. Their cup of milk tea looks extra large in comparison to their size. "On behalf of everyone on the Astral Express, allow Pom-Pom to once again welcome you aboard, and to express our highest gratitude for the super yummy drink!”

“Think nothing of it, Master Conductor,” Jing Yuan assures easily with a wave of his hand. “It’s the least I can do to repay your generous hospitality. If you need help with anything, please feel free to let me know.”

And that’s how he captures Pom-Pom's heart, the first out of all of them. Or maybe Pom-Pom's standards have simply hit a new low after Caelus and March, considering that all it takes for them to pick their new favourite passenger was Jing Yuan being extremely willing to help with even the most tedious chores.

Though in their defense, Jing Yuan does tackle chores like he’s on some sort of life mission, always putting the utmost effort into seeing his tasks through until the very end, no matter how mundane they are and how much he’d whimper about his aching back afterwards. Perhaps it’s exactly this sort of normalcy that he hopes to seek, everyday matters that could never fit into his life as an Arbiter-General. Things that most would take for granted by default, never needing to even consider otherwise.

Dan Heng just doesn’t think he should spoil Caelus and March quite so much by always offering to do their share of chores too whenever they don’t feel like it. Caelus especially is notorious for his avoidance of any sort of cleaning, and Dan Heng knows he’d just casually leave everything to someone else the moment he has the chance. It would not be ideal to always let him get away easy.

But Dan Heng’s opinions are only his own in the end, and Jing Yuan only ends up solidifying his position as another’s favourite in no time.

He gets along exceedingly well with Welt and Himeko as well, often engaging them in pleasant chatter that could last for hours on end. Always knowing what to say, how to react, how to keep their conversations going, even when they hardly have anything much in common. He speaks to Himeko about coffee blends as though he’s been an enthusiast his whole life, discusses with her music recommendations for the phonograph playlist like their entire journey on the Express depends on it. With Welt, Dan Heng has walked in on them feverishly brainstorming the next arc of Welt’s current work in progress together on more than one occasion, their notes manic scribbles in different colored ink filling the papers strewn across their shared desk.

Jing Yuan is like a sun pulling people into his orbit, fitting in as easily as he breathed. He’s gentle and approachable, highly dependable when it matters. Trailblazing missions have gone smoother than ever before whenever he participated, most troubles they encounter dealt with without leading into a planetary-scale crisis. It’s as though he was always meant to be one of the many puzzle pieces making up the Astral Express. Himeko, ever the romantic, would surely call this a fated homecoming.

Dan Heng, despite his own reservations in the beginning, finds that he’s gradually beginning to appreciate Jing Yuan’s presence too, subconsciously easing into the sense of safety he never fails to provide. After his life of constant paranoia in being chased down and hunted, Dan Heng always finds himself inadvertently plagued by a certain tension whenever he’s on a trailblaze mission. It doesn’t help that half his current companions are magnets for trouble—and suffice to say, it's nice having another person he’s fully confident he could rely on should anything go awry. At the very least, Dan Heng now feels that he can breathe a little easier when they’re out and about.

“You’re still awake.”

Is the message that greets him after he picks up his buzzing phone. A glance at the clock makes him realize that he’s gotten too engrossed with updating the data bank yet again.

“So are you,” he texts back, moving to save his progress on his computer while he still remembers. Jing Yuan’s reply comes just as he’s closing his tabs.

“Was just getting some water ( ´ ꒳ ` )” There’s a brief pause before his next message. “Can I drop by?”

“Suit yourself,” Dan Heng answers without thinking, his habitual leniency with Caelus and March biting him in the ass at the worst possible timing—and the regret immediately sets in. He's always preferred talking to Jing Yuan through texting if he could help it, feeling much more comfortable without the constant weight of his expectant gaze. Jing Yuan is always too bright, too eager, too...overwhelming. Too good at throwing Dan Heng’s composure off kilter with barely any conscious effort.

There’s no time for Dan Heng to backtrack, unfortunately, soft knocks sounding from his door while he’s still trying to pull himself together. He can only frantically stamp down his panic and dive behind his usual mask of apathy, making sure it’s staying before he goes to let Jing Yuan in.

Jing Yuan stands in the hallway holding two glasses of water and sipping from one. The front folds of his robes are slightly loosened, granting Dan Heng a hardly obstructed view of his bared throat and collarbones. His mane of grey hair is in even more tousled chaos than usual, falling all around and over his face and almost covering even his normally visible eye. He smells like he’s been sleeping too, his unique musk mixed in with the scent of his detergent and shampoo emanating from his being.

“Hey,” he greets, and Dan Heng furiously prays to the late Akivili that he isn’t blushing.

“How may I help you?” he manages to sound normal somehow, accepting the glass of water Jing Yuan offers him with a nod of thanks. He takes a careful step back, but Jing Yuan doesn’t seem to have any intention of entering his room.

“March says she always gets sleepy whenever I’m around,” is all he says as he tilts his head and offers him a lazy smile. “So I'm trying it out on you, Dan Heng. Is it working?”

Dan Heng bites back a frustratingly well-timed yawn. “No.”

It would’ve been nice if Jing Yuan could at least pretend to not notice his lie. “Great! It's about time for you to go to sleep, it’s getting exceedingly late.”

Dan Heng pointedly glances away, lifting his glass for a mouthful of water. “...Is that all you’re here to say?”

“Mm, while I still have some sleep in me? Yes.” Jing Yuan halfheartedly covers his mouth with the back of his hand as he lets out an enormous yawn. “Get some rest soon, A-Heng. Or you might get sick when we warp tomorrow.”

Dan Heng hums, not protesting but not agreeing to it either, but it seems to be good enough of an answer to Jing Yuan. He proceeds to wave him good night, and then he’s shuffling off, his tall figure pale as a ghost in the dimmed hallway as he makes his way back to his room in the neighbouring carriage.

Dan Heng closes his door before reaching for his own light switches, retreating to the warmest corner of the archive where his futon is spread out without trouble even in the sudden darkness. He fully shuts down his computer while he’s on the way, then finally moving to squirm under his comforter and find his usual best position. All around him, the room is filled with the soft beeps and whirrs of machinery that’s always warding off the absolute silence that unnerves him. Dan Heng closes his eyes and tugs his blanket up to his ears, taking deep breathes while counting to ten.

He touches his cheeks, and a tiny groan rises in his throat. He really has been blushing.

xXx

The main rule of thumb to their trailblazing missions is such: do not ever leave March and Caelus unsupervised. March will always be March while Caelus just straight up thirsts for trouble because he thinks it’s funny. Leave them alone and they’re bound to find themselves in one Situation or another. Fortunately for the entire Express crew, everyone apart from those two have gotten extremely well practiced in serving as their brakes after spending all this time adventuring together.

But as Dan Heng eventually comes to find out, however, Jing Yuan is no such brake once he’s gotten comfortable enough. In fact, one could say that he’s the particular duo’s biggest enabler who has ever set foot on the Express.

Dan Heng must honest to Aeons wonder if this is really the hill he wants to die on. Or well, planet, he supposes. They're running for their lives from the law enforcement in a city they’ve set foot in for barely two days, clambering over gates and climbing rooftops and knocking over the closest things within reach to stall for time. All because Caelus thought it’d be hilarious to steal a national artifact for, in his words, a “hidden achievement”. Dan Heng had been against it, like a normal person. Jing Yuan had been the one who planned their infiltration route.

Hooked on the thrill, the lot of them. And as much as Dan Heng would rather not admit, so is he, to some extent. Otherwise he would’ve at least put in more effort into staying out of it after knowing there’s no way to persuade his companions out of their whims.

He only further questions his life choices when he finds himself heaving for air somewhere in the maze of the local sewer system, trying his hardest not to gag from the putrid stench surrounding them.

“Caelus,” he eventually begins, exasperated. “Why.”

Caelus merely holds up his prize and cackles in triumph. “Serves them rig—uegh!”

Dan Heng immediately springs back with all the grace and agility of a spooked cat, putting as much distance from Caelus’ misfortune as physically possible because he cannot handle this right now, he really can’t. He's already trying his best. He casts a pleading look at Jing Yuan in a fit of desperation, silently begging him to be the voice of reason for once because he’s almost certain that Caelus is going this far just so he could impress him.

But Jing Yuan only throws his head back, and laughs.

They're breathing in what must be some of the foulest air the entire city has to offer, probably having completely ruined the reputation of the Nameless from the Astral Express on this planet, and Caelus is currently fighting for his life while emptying his stomach onto the pavement—and Jing Yuan is laughing until he’s tearing up.

No, this isn’t the damn time, Dan Heng silently chastises his backstabbing heart as it does a series of backflips and summersaults in his chest. He's supposed to be the single sane person in this team and he’s going to drag these two idiots back by the scruffs of their necks if he has to and oh. Oh, Jing Yuan’s quieted down and now he’s looking at him.

And his smiling; not the look that has always been tinged by a deep, unrelenting melancholy he has carried for centuries that Dan Heng has subconsciously grown used to seeing, but one that gently crinkles the corners of his eyes and is radiant and warm as the morning sun.

Perhaps this is the first time Dan Heng has seen him so genuinely at ease and delighted, even after he’d boarded the Express. And perhaps this is also the first time he realizes that these feelings stirring in his core are truly his own, not whatever fragments belonging to Dan Feng that had been passed down to him somehow or another. That it’s him, wholly him who’s falling, falling, falling for a man still capable of harboring so much tenderness and tranquility in his being despite all the tribulations he had gone through.

“Goodness, you boys sure know how to have fun,” Jing Yuan marvels, his voice rich with amusement as he finally steps forward to soothe Caelus’ back, seemingly unaffected by the mess the former is making. Caelus, as though blessed by a healing touch, proceeds to finish up his heaving with a few coughs and straightens as though he’s been in tip-top condition this whole while, a sparkle in his eyes as he gives Jing Yuan a reassuring thumbs up.

Dan Heng frowns and crosses his arms, a protesting “I wouldn’t exactly call this fun,” left unsaid but heavily implied. Fortunately for him, Jing Yuan finally decides to get the hint, and he casually proposes to return the artifact to its original place.

Immediately.

As if the entire city isn’t currently teeming with law enforcement bots courtesy of their first stunt.

“That’s precisely why we have to strike now,” Jing Yuan reasons, brimming with so much excitement and confidence that it’s almost contagious. Almost. It’s during times like this that Dan Heng is reminded of the sheer charisma the Luofu’s hotshot Arbiter-General must have. “No one would expect us to go back at this timing!”

Yes, and that's because not everyone can be quite this unhinged. Dan Heng sighs so hard that his shoulders ache, resigning himself to his fate because what else is there for him to do? Jing Yuan and Caelus are already back to business with their troublemaking—and Dan Heng does agree that it’d be best to put the artifact back before they accidentally break it, Aeons forbid. And it’s not like he can possibly let these two out of his sight because who knows what other impulsive ideas they’d come up with on the fly that might lead to even more headaches for him.

He just thinks he might actually need a vacation of his own after this.

xXx

Though he opts to make it look as effortless as possible, Jing Yuan does put a lot of work into trying to bond with the Astral Express crew.

He's always observing the others, mentally noting down whatever they might find interesting or worrying at the moment. If it’s something of concern, he would subtly try to assist, and if it’s something new they’ve found enjoyment in, he’d find chances to chat with them about it.

It is why he spends a good amount of time in the archives browsing through the Data Bank, going the extra mile to do all the research he thinks necessary for him to connect with his companions. It is also how Dan Heng ends up spending a lot of time with him in actuality, both of them holed up in the archive room poring over records for hours on end, sharing a space in relative silence.

Emphasis on “relative”, because Dan Heng is so used to being alone in the archive that even the slightest noises from another could feel jarring to him. The sounds whenever Jing Yuan uncrosses his legs or leans his elbows on the desk, whenever he yawns or scratches his skin—Dan Heng can’t help but be hyperaware of them, especially at the beginning.

But Jing Yuan’s visits are regular enough that he gradually gets used to them, having them blend in with the rest of the background noises from the machinery. It also means that within all of Jing Yuan’s hours upon hours spent in the same room with him, there had been ample chances for Dan Heng to ask what he has always wanted to ask ever since Jing Yuan joined the Express.

What happened to the High Cloud Quintet? What was Dan Feng’s sin? What had led to his sin?

What kind of person was Dan Feng?

They are simple, straightforward questions. Questions that Dan Heng endlessly hesitated to ask, and questions he knew would make the unbearable sorrow return to Jing Yuan’s eyes when he answers.

Dan Heng...cannot bear to see Jing Yuan hurt in any way. It's a realization that dawned on him all too abruptly during one of their recent trailblazing missions. Dan Heng had had his hands full dealing with a swarm of bloodthirsty android beasts hellbent on tearing him apart, on the verge of being overwhelmed by their sheer numbers. His back had been wide open when one of them saw the chance and lunged at him.

And Jing Yuan had intercepted, blood spilling as the beast sank its poisonous fangs deep into his arm.

Dang Heng still remembers the panic, the unreasonable dread that overwhelms him like a tidal wave. Trailblazing missions always have their fair share of dangers; there’s hardly ever a time when they would all return from one without sustaining at least a couple of injuries from inevitable battles. Dan Heng knows this better than anyone.

Yet their fight with Phantylia aboard the Luofu still lingers at the back of his mind to this day, the image of Cloud Piercer plunging into Jing Yuan’s torso scored deep into his memory. Jing Yuan had not said anything thus far, but Bailu had secretly informed Caelus out of concern. The General’s vitality has been compromised ever since the battle, he might not be able to recover from another life-threatening injury. The next time he risks his life, there might be no coming back.

Dan Heng wishes Jing Yuan had a stronger sense of self preservation so he could stop being quite so flippant with his own safety just because he’s already lived more centuries than most of the people he knows. He wishes he had the courage to remind him that everyone aboard the Express would love for him to be safe and sound. That he wants him to be safe and sound. That he’s not sure if anyone would ever be able to recover if anything were to happen to him.

Dan Heng finds Jing Yuan sitting alone in the dimmed parlor car gazing at the ocean of stars in silence, motionless as a statue.

He's already noticed this before, but the lack of armor seems to soften the general’s edges, amplifying the air of a giant housecat that he perpetually carries with him outside of battle. Dan Heng, to his dismay, catches himself occasionally wondering how it’d feel like to squirm into his space, if it’d be as warm and safe and cozy as he imagines. Then it is to his further dismay that he realizes he’s been imagining things that had to do with Jing Yuan.

He clears his throat, partly to indicate his presence, partly to pull himself together. Jing Yuan’s attention flickers to him, his languid demeanor completely unaffected.

“Dan Heng,” he greets, with the usual underlying lilt of excitement that bubbles up whenever he’s speaking with him. Though, there’s a hint of apology in his smile this time. “I’ll be troubling you again today.”

Dan Heng only shrugs it off, taking his place beside him in silence. Jing Yuan holds out his injured arm for him, tugging his sleeve up to reveal his wound.

It’s finally starting to look better, after Dan Heng’s best efforts with his Cloudhymns. They’d been lucky enough to have had a skilled healer among the new comrades they’d met during their latest expedition, otherwise they would’ve had to make an emergency warp all the way back to the Luofu the moment they had the chance to retreat and practically kidnap Bailu off the Alchemy Commission delves to tend to Jing Yuan. He’d been in such a horrible state that even Himeko and Welt could barely assure the others that he was going to pull through. Perhaps if it hadn’t been for Mr Yang slowing down the spread of the poison with his skill, Jing Yuan would’ve...

“How are you feeling?” Dan Heng chases away the end of the thought, refusing to let himself imagine. Jing Yuan is out of danger now and that’s all that matters.

“Hmm. Sleepy, I suppose?” Jing Yuan’s response is nonchalant, a contrast to the intensity of his stare as he watches Dan Heng mutter his Cloudhymn magic and summon a fragment of the primordial sea into existence. Dan Heng purses his lips as he wills the water into a simple blob between his hands, carefully tapping into the innate powers within him to infuse it with the effect he needs.

Bailu, bless her heart, had done her best to explain how she does it. Healing has always been second nature to her, and all she ever needs is a Cloudhymn or two to treat most common ailments and injuries. The poison in Jing Yuan’s body has fortunately been fully neutralised, but the toll from that process alone was deemed to be pushing his bodily limits. The rest of his recovery will have to be gradual to avoid putting even more burden on him, and that is where Dan Heng steps in to help. As pathetic as his every attempt feels.

It’s ironic, how he could part a sea with ease but not heal a simple wound. Of course Dan Feng had not passed down his healing abilities to him. All he’d ever left behind are things Dan Heng would never ask for.

...except for one.

Jing Yuan breathes a contented sigh when Dan Heng’s spell envelopes his injury, his entire body further relaxing against the sofa. Dan Heng is silent in his single-minded focus, only occasionally letting his gaze flicker towards his companion to make sure he’s not accidentally channeling his powers wrong and hurting him instead.

Jing Yuan’s eyes never leave him, that much he can sense with ease. And of course—that's to be expected. Dan Heng has manifested his Vidyadhara form to better facilitate the flow of his qi, once again donning the likeness of the dead man Jing Yuan so loved even after hundreds of years. Of course Jing Yuan would look, would drink in the sight of him while he has the chance. Of course, even centuries after his passing when he should no longer have any right to interfere with Dan Heng’s life, Dan Feng is still—

“A-Heng?”

Dan Heng startles, jolting back into attention with so much force that his form breaks and his spell shatters into haphazard droplets before dissipating into the air. His stomach sinks as he immediately scrambles to check for damage, cursing himself for letting his mind wander. Damn it, he should know better that there’s a time and place to think useless thoughts and he’s so stupid, stupid, stupid—

“Dan Heng,” Jing Yuan calls again, softer this time and with a light touch on his arm. “Relax, you’re okay.”

“You—” Dan Heng curls his hands into fists, desperately trying to anchor himself, “you’re not hurt anywhere?”

“Not at all,” Jing Yuan assures, though a hint of fluster manages to sneak its way into his calm. Dan Heng needs to examine him a few times more before he’s convinced that he’s indeed alright, his mind still reeling from the wave of irrational panic. It is only once he’s certain that Jing Yuan is indeed unhurt, with only his loose sleeves slightly dampened, that Dan Heng remembers to breathe.

“...I apologise. Let’s stop here for tonight,” he manages to say, unable to meet Jing Yuan’s gaze after his truly pathetic display. He makes to get up and excuse himself, planning to shut himself in his room until the next morning at least.

“Please wait.”

Dan Heng flinches. Jing Yuan hesitates in turn, but it lasts no longer than a second.

“I’ve accidentally made myself too much tea,” he elaborates, as though he expects Dan Heng to fall for the blatant excuse. “Won’t you stay to keep this old man company a little longer?”

“I...” Dan Heng makes the fatal mistake of glancing at him. Jing Yuan’s giving him his best pleading puppy look and Dan Heng should really, really be used to this after all the times he’s had to deal with the same thing from March and Caelus. He's not a pushover and he can stand his ground when he needs to.

He slinks into the seat facing Jing Yuan, now wanting to cease existing for a whole other reason.

Though Jing Yuan doesn’t seem particularly interested in pointing out his burning ears, only silently offering him the cup of tea he’s already poured out beforehand. Dan Heng has come to discover his little habit of always pouring out an extra cup of tea, so that it can cool while he savoured his current one. It also implies that Jing Yuan does not handle hot food and drinks very well and Dan Heng doesn’t quite know what to do with the information other than finding it ridiculously endearing.

But that’s for him to feel on another day under better circumstances. Dan Heng currently sits tensed up as he sips on his beverage, bracing himself for a conversation he’s far from in the mood for. Aeons, why did he even let himself end up like this? It’s been one miss after another and maybe burrowing into a hole doesn’t sound like too bad of an idea right about now.

To Jing Yuan’s credit, though, he doesn’t try engaging Dan Heng in any idle chatter at all, truly only seeming to be asking for his companionship and nothing more. The silence between them stretches on, accompanied only by the drone of the Astral Express as it chugs steadily along the Star Rail. Dan Heng cradles his tea cup between his hands, letting the warmth seep into his fingers. Before he knows it, his embarrassment begins to fade.

Jing Yuan yawns, wide-mouthed and unrefined. He tilts his head and raises his eyebrows when Dan Heng meets his gaze, as though encouraging him to say something if he wants to.

It’s no surprise that the Xianzhou Luofu’s Divine Foresight would notice all the questions Dan Heng has never been able to find the right timing to ask, no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that it’s all simply for sake of updating the Data Bank.

“Feeling a little better?” Jing Yuan is the one who speaks first, while Dan Heng is still contemplating how to put his words together. Dan Heng musters an absent “hm” in response.

“...Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry about,” Jing Yuan is once again quick to reassure him, but a hint of concern soon crosses his features. “Something seems to be bothering you, Dan Heng. If you’d like, I could lend you an ear?”

Dan Heng truly does not know how Jing Yuan works through his defenses so easily. He does not know why he lets him through so easily. It’s terrifying.

“I cannot help but think sometimes,” Dan Heng begins with a thick swallow, “that if I was more like Dan Feng, then maybe you wouldn’t have...”

“But you’re not,” Jing Yuan interrupts to remind him, his tone firm despite the softness of his voice. “And you’re enough as you are.”

“I cannot even heal your wounds.” Dan Heng stares at his hands helplessly, stupid, stupid thoughts swirling in his head. Maybe, if he had the absolute control over his Vidyadhara powers like Dan Feng did, he could’ve healed Jing Yuan without even blinking an eye. Maybe, if he was as powerful, untouchable as Dan Feng was, Jing Yuan wouldn't have needed to risk his life for him. Maybe, just maybe.

“And neither would I with your wounds, should there ever come a time,” Jing Yuan counters, as if there was ever room for him to make that argument in the first place. “And yet you’re still willing to try for my sake.”

Dan Heng purses his lips, wishing Jing Yuan would stop giving him so much credit for his measly attempts. He’s lacking in skill, that’s all there is to it. It is the cold, hard fact, and no amount of reassurances from Jing Yuan could ever change that in the short run.

“Would you like to know more about him?”

A sudden question, Jing Yuan’s obvious attempt to divert his attention. Yet it’s just the right one to make Dan Heng’s heart skip a beat, perfectly hooking him in.

Dan Heng keeps himself very still, conflict stirring in his chest like a whirlpool. Yes, he wants to know. “No, I don’t need to.”

Unfortunately for him, Jing Yuan once again proves to be unfairly skilled at seeing right through his shallow lies. “I’m afraid I'd only be able to give you a very biased perspective on what sort of person he was, Dan Heng.”

“Jing Yuan.” Dan Heng takes a deep breath. “You don’t have to.”

“Hm?” Jing Yuan tilts his head, feigning confusion. “Don’t have to what?”

“...Remember.” Dan Heng finds annoyance welling up in his throat at the fact that Jing Yuan can manage to look so unaffected by the current topic of conversation. He fiddles with the hem of his jacket to give his rising agitation an outlet. “You don’t have to think about all that’s in the past.”

Jing Yuan’s gaze softens. “Are you worried that it’d make me sad?”

Doesn’t it, still? Dan Heng keeps his silence, not trusting himself to be able to answer in any rational manner. Jing Yuan has obviously been having such a great time being part of the Nameless, gradually shedding some of the invisible burden he’s been carrying as the Luofu’s Arbiter-General for so many centuries as the days went on. He feels freer, lighter, brighter now than the day he’d first set foot upon the Astral Express—and Dan Heng doesn’t want to be the one to take it all away from him.

Again, a voice that does not belong to him finishes. A lingering fragment of the past. He doesn’t want to be the one who takes it all from him again.

“Dan Heng, your kindness truly knows no bounds,” Jing Yuan says, and Dan Heng bites his lip because is it really so much kindness than it is pity? He looks away, hearing Jing Yuan shift in his seat, afraid to see what sort of face he’s making. Afraid he would see how he actually feels.

Jing Yuan sighs before he continues. “You have a point, I’ll probably get unreasonably melancholic if I talk about him even after all these years.”

“Then don’t,” Dan Heng says, barely able to voice it beyond a mumble. His response seems to amuse Jing Yuan.

“It is true that I’ll surely miss Dan Feng for the rest of my life,” Jing Yuan admits, and there’s just something, something in his tone that finally compels Dan Heng to face him once more. “But I also know there must come a time where I allow myself to move on.”

“...and you’ve decided that the time is now?”

Jing Yuan does not answer immediately, instead turning to behold the infinite sea of stars outside. As though the brilliant, unreachable specks of light in the distance hold every piece of his most precious memories. As though, if he peered long enough, he’d find the glimmering halcyon days of his past and return to their comforting embrace. As though if Dan Heng doesn’t stop him in time, he would never be able to bring him back.

“Jing Y—”

He trails off when Jing Yuan’s gaze returns to him, golden and steadfast. Dan Heng senses the million thoughts in his head, unable to even imagine the inner turmoil he must be going through, nor the sheer determination it takes for him to come to his answer.

“Yes.”

Yet above all that, there’s...peace. Acceptance.

Jing Yuan looks at him like he’s been freed, and Dan Heng aches and aches and aches.

xXx

Dan Heng's records of the High Cloud Quintet remain scarce, after he'd deemed that much of the information shared with him was far too subjective to be detailed in the Data Bank.

Baiheng had a ferocious laughter that never faiiled to bring smiles to the others’ faces even after the most draining missions. She was the heart of the group, holding them all together with her boundless enthusiasm, her open adoration for each and every one of them. She would be off on her own adventures during quiet times as a Nameless, and would often bring home with her the wildest stories to tell her two biggest admirers. Out of all of them, she was the one who had spoiled Jing Yuan the most, who never stopped seeing him as her adorable baby brother even after he’d reached his peak and long stopped growing older.

Jingliu loved sickly sweet desserts which Jing Yuan and Baiheng would often exploit whenever they needed to placate her or beg for a favour. She was stern, stubborn as a mule, and had a tendency to try solving all problems with her sword. She was also forthright to a fault, and was always the one to go to whenever objective opinions were warranted. She never showed any favouritism even to her one and only disciple, much to said disciple’s common dismay. One could even say that she simply struggled to be more honest with expressing her affections, though not many dared to linger on the conjunction lest it summoned the Sword Champion herself and cost them their neck.

Yingxing was charming as he was arrogant, his eyes always alight with a borderline obsessive drive to carve his place into the universe while he still burnt bright. His hands were always warm and covered in calluses, capable of creating wonders after wonders even as time greyed his hair and drew elegant lines across his features. He was the most overprotective of the group, often griping about how reckless the long-lived could be when it came to their own safety just because their bodies were marginally more durable than others. Thus he was also extremely insistent about crafting every piece of his friends’ weapons and armor himself, taking pride and comfort in knowing that he’s able to keep them just a little safer, even if he’s not in the frontlines fighting alongside them.

Dan Feng had unexpectedly low tolerance towards alcohol, two cups often all it took to ease him out of his well-practiced mask as the Luofu's Vidyadhara High Elder. Silly jokes absolutely delighted him and Jing Yuan would always be ready with a handful of new ones whenever they had the opportunity to meet. He loved to speak of wistful dreams, loved to sneak away from his closely monitored manor within the Waterscape and roam the Luofu streets in disguised forms.

Dan Heng remembers, from his new dreams, how much Dan Feng had adored his friends, how they had filled his heart to the brim and more, until his love for them was woven into the very fibre of his being, forming the building blocks of him as the person known as Dan Feng. Yinyue-jun was defined by his heroic achievements, his duty to the Vidyadhara—but Dan Feng was his infinite tenderness, his adoration for his precious ones. His sedition had happened out of grief, frustration, despair. He was as human as he had been immortal; pitiful, multifaceted and flawed.

Dan Heng still finds it a little amusing that he would come to liken one of the most noteworthy Vidyadhara High Elders on the Xianzhou Luofu to a human. But he is also rather certain that Dan Feng would’ve taken it as a compliment.

As for Jing Yuan, he’s not too fond of speaking about his younger days, claiming to be hopelessly embarrassed by his own immaturity and baseless gusto at the time. Dan Heng suspects there must be more to it, but he doesn’t see the point in pushing him for details. So he doesn’t.

Besides, he’s decided that he rather prefers to fill in Jing Yuan’s entries as he goes, noting down his own observations of the current him. Jing Yuan’s love for small animals of all kinds, his favourite napping spots aboard the Express. The timing of his video calls with his beloved Yanqing and Mimi that never quite seem to end at times, his little habit of tilting his head whenever he’s questioning something. The little things that never fail to bring his signature sleepy smile to his face, that make him laugh aloud, unrestrained and unabashedly delighted. Even the matters that annoy him, that worry him, that bore him.

The current Jing Yuan is all for Dan Heng to know, to learn while the opportunity is still within his grasp. And Dan Heng, being a trailblazer through and through, finds he’s just as excited to embark on that journey as any.

#jingheng #hengjing #jing yuan #dan heng #honkai star rail #fanfiction #i just think...jing yuan should leave his duties and go on silly adventures to heal..#also if anyone's curious this was actually intended as a companion fic of sorts to my previous jnghng piece hh

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