#help me I'll never get over them

[azimx]

Merlin: Who do you think you are? The King?

Arthur: No, I'm your husband, Arthur.

#fucking gay bitches #they're so in love omfg #help me I'll never get over them #merlin fandom #merlin bbc #bbc merlin #merlin #merthur #merlin headcanon

[not-so-superheroine]

deseret book is more persistent than duolingo.

i ordered 2 books for a church research project on Black saints in the early Church and also in the Reorganization, on which the one book had a small section us and all had info from the our shared early church history, and it was an ebook too!

and i get physical mail from them once a month. i have no idea how to cancel.

herald house, the community of christ publishing house, contacts me much less, and i buy books from them all the time.

and oh their church book app reminds me to read my scriptures and the words of their prophets regularly if it's not in sleep mode.

i have to admire the effort behind it, ngl.

#tumblrstake #the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints #Community of Christ #latter day saint #deseret book #i highly recommend both books #black saints in a white church #and “My Lord He Calls Me” edited by Alice Faulkner Burch #she's really awesome so pls support her #i hang out with the genesis group bc i am playing with a similar group for community of christ #because the Black saints expressed interest #actually Black Saints in a White Church may have been elsewhere by Signature Books #you can read it for free on archive.org #and if you're at BYU you can access it too and papers on it #i'll promo them in another post eventually #white saints in my church don't get my vision bc their like “we never had a priesthood ban” #but i literally had to do the project bc they were speaking over us regarding anti-Black racism in our D&C #and people individually reached out. like Black church leaders. bc they be doing this. #we made so much noise and the first presidency reached out to ME bc i wrote a paper that spread through the church about it #wild moment. but yeah we need something like the Genesis Group and they were willing to help me out a bit #its too much for me to handle on my own tho. esp with the revitalizing our intepretation and use of the Book of Mormon projects #i always put too much in the tags. i should write a post about that and share my article #it was on our D&C 116 which is like our L-dS OD 2 on Race in the priesthood and specifically ordination of Black men #which they (some of the white saints) wanted removed 🙄 bc of the “ministers to their own race” part which led to segregation being allowed #but also explicitly affirms God calls people of all races to priesthood and also that Black congregations didn’t need white pastor oversight #so just leave it. and ig you feel guilty...cope #i personally believe it to be inspired but flawed #it was literally a mostly white church in 1865. not excusing tho bc some sects were always fully integrated like the Bickertonites #they had a Black apostle in 1915. representation at high levels of leadership #oh and women in the priesthood from the jump. if limited

[youremyonlyhope]

why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up

#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director #and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production #and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out #but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again #i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately #so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me #i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me #i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added #and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad #anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much. #but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great #but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else #but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing #and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us #and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing #and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more #especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this. #and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not. #and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING #and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine. #but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad. #because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented #if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that. #but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent. #and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt #i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried. #and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over. #i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help #and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh #brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.

[medicinemane]

.

#I get tired of people trying to explain what lens I should view the world through; what way I could think that would make everything better #forgive me but I don't care; I do what I do and I do what I can and you don't see the work I do under the hood #I don't want advice on self validation or whatever; I want... I want someone to hold a mirror up so I can actually see myself #by which I mean I want input on how I'm doing; if it's good enough; if it's worth anything; if anything I make is good #everyone things I'm nice; everyone has always thought I'm nice #but given nice leaves me profoundly isolated I don't think I care #not to mention in my opinion what nice in this instance means is that I'm capable of listening #it's mostly that I have manners rather than some quality about me #I'm well behaved and polite and can listen; and that's perceived as nice or even sweet #and it's not like I'm offended by people seeing me that way; but maybe you can get why... I can't do anything with that information #but if I'm doing enough... if I provide any value to the world... I might have heard that less times in my life than years I've lived #that's where I'm totally blind #people don't tend to offer any input; and also people don't tend to let me know what they're thinking #and I in fact am not a mind reader; I can often accurately infer things; but no of that means a thing till it's confirmed #and... well... hopefully no one reads the stupid shit I say and especially not the tags so this is safe and hidden #but truthfully people just like to hear that stuff they're doing is wanted and matters #and I do not #I don't know... gotta go do more cleaning cause I need to #and I have no idea if... I've got a reason for fighting so hard to clean; but I get very little input so... I expect... well... #and thankfully I don't think they read my tags so I can say this #but I really expect they won't take me up on my offer to come out here and get away from their parents; so there will be no pay off #not that I blame them in the slightest... it's just the only possible pay off for this cleaning would be helping someone I like out #and a scrap of company #but then again... in many ways anyone coming out to live with me is the worst thing they could probably do #sorry... I have a rather bleak outlook on many things surrounding myself purely cause of what I infer from the past #there is never pay off; only more shit I need to get done #I will never be loved; I will never be wanted; I will always just kinda be an afterthought that's occasionally worth venting to #no one will ever be particularly interested in anything I'm interested while I'll chase their interests or at least try to #certainly let them talk about them when they want #...though I take that over my normal total isolation... better to at least be permitted to follow in someone's shadow than have nothing

[stupid-dyke]

stayed up til 3 when I have an 8am again. I do this because I hate myself so sos sososososososososo much. It's really funny because I don;t fall asleep in class thanks to my meds but I've noticed every time I go to class after 4 hrs sleep people act weird around me which is how I know im acting really weird. And I am so extremely angry at myself. I spent 4 hours. well 8 hours. Well all day. Pretending I'm going to do homework and distracting myself with various other things on my laptop or crying on the phone to my parents. Got zerooooo work done at all i stayed up most of the nihght for literally no gain whatsoever this is pure self harm. Which I do becauase again I hate myself. Because I didn't do my work. Which i won't do tomorrow either because i'll be so tired I wont be able to string a sentence together even though I'm supposed to give a presentation haha. My favorite activity is staring at the clock on my laptop getting later and later and later. new high score etc. Who's a hypersomniac now. Imagine how much easier this semester would have been if I'd gone to bed before 2am ever. I'm so fucking angry at myself I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep now even. If I fail my classes again my parents are gonna make me live at home forever and say im too crazy to live on my own. I know I was supposed to get a therapist but I hate them all so, so, so much. I think people get that job bc they feel powerful telling some pathetic person what to do knowing I literally cannot do it and will come back week after week admittingn failure and paying

I know I was supposed to take the new experimental FDA approved drug for IH but the list of side effects is fucking terrifying and I live and sleep alone so i really don't want to take a super powerful sedative that can make you stop breathing. So I'm gonna keep taking stimualnts and lying to myself that today is the last day I stay up extremely late for no reason.

#it's really sad I'll skip the meds sometimes to try to sleep and it doesn't even help. I just feel worse while awake. #The real reason i can't sleep is because im screwing myself over by doing no work and im terrified im going to fail my fucking classes #and theyre all going to say im crazy if I fail my classes. theyre going to say im crazy and I self sabotaged on purpose #bc i dont want to succeed. Dad says that every day #Dad loves telling me everytjhing wrong with me multiple times a day every day so i never ever forget #hes so helpful. He's trying so hard to help. If i dont answer the phone he starts worrying ive committed suicide #again i was suicidal one week in 2019. Get the fuck over it. You've literally threatened to kill yourself multiple times. Fucking hypocrite #a bunch of my friends are going to graduate this semester and best case scenario i graudate next semester and then I'll lose touch with eve #ybody #and then the good times are over and life is boring and hell forever and ill get more disabled every year until I can't work and then I'll #run out of money and die #you know when I talked to my genetics professor about the alzheimer's results he said somethign will kill you eventually and it #wont be that unless you live to old age which will be good! #so true bestie. so ture #Guys lets be real here. Why the fuck. Do we live. why. It is so goddamn hard. Maybe it;s easy when u get sleep . But that hasn't happened t #me for a while #all my classes end next week and i havent done most assignments since spring break #also over spring break my parents met w a lawyer to revise their will adn afterwards dad told me im executor and explained to me what will #happen after each person in my family dies. #the assumption is that I will outlive everyone. they don't think my sister will live to old age adn they are already old #the lawyer apparently has clients with the same disability as me and all of them had the same thing happen. Once they get another disabilit #and get older it becomes impossible to manage IH and they cant work til retirement age #i just spent an hour typing this shit instead of sleeping. 4am-730am sleep lets go. I should kill myself #i hate my parents fucking advicce bc they;; be like well when i was ur age I was married it sure must suck to be single!!!! fuck you guys f

[thatoneluckybee]

I freaking alphabetized it. I alphabetized the new list I do not need and I am adding More.

#I started making a list of pretty words or words that I have on some of my other word lists #And i went to research more and #Yeah. #there's over 200 i do not Know here that I will Never Learn but they are ON THE LIST #I have my 10 letter word list #14 letter word lidt #12 letter word list #Words I didn't know list #Words I didn't know that aren't technically “words” yet or are obsolete now #Words I've learned from 2023 which I don't need anymore I've already beaten my resolution to get 200 new words #And now i have just a List #Help me. #i also have a list of words I haven't searched the definition for but i added them to THIS list so I'll delete the other one soon #I need help. #Word Lists Saga #I should start tagging this #Rambles #BUT YALL LABYRINTHINE IS A WORD AND I HAVE TO ADD IT OKAY? It's NICE.

[guinevereslancelot]

actually applied for a job im a bit optimistic abt 🙏

#i already applied to the same place over christmas and had a really good phone interview like two weeks ago and then never heard back #but the interviewer really liked me i think and its a good location and i like the sound of this job a lot and its hiring full and part tim #it sounds easy and maybe even fun? ish? it sounds like something i would be good at anyway #basically being a companion to residents at a nursing home #like taking them on their daily walk and keeping them entertained lol #and helping with some educational stuff #i can def do that i used to do it with disabled kids it was super easy and also old people love me lol #as long as they actually hire me lol #this is thr first job i've been excited about in a while #but i was excited about the last one and it was terrible so....lol #but i hope i get it then at least i'll know #and it probably cant be as bad as the last one anyway so i could tough it out for a while until i got something better tbh #but hopefully it will be good #pay isn't the absolute greatest but i could do it for the convenience of the location and a job thag doesn't suck #at least for a while #anyway i hope i get it!! 🙏 #this has been a shitpost #anyway before i applied for part time receptionist at the same place and didn't get it but this is a better sounding job #and they're hiring full and part time so possibly multiple positions? #and i have more relevant experience for this one

[lucyvaleheart]

.

#delete later #hey haven't made a vent post in a while that's gotta be a good thing right #I dunno. got an appt in like a month and hopefully that'll fix me but until then...... #...sigh. tw for heavy shit for the rest of this don't read on unless you can manage with that kinda thing #is it like. nights? does my brain just shut down any level of dopamine response at night? is that it? #cuz fuck I spiral so fast. not 5 hours ago I was on cloud 9 cuddling a cute girl I may or may not have a- #anyway #now it's midnight. #and I just kind of want to carve my self awareness out of my body like a cancerous growth #and never be aware again #loneliness and jealousy and despair and self hatred and my god I can't really think of anything negative I *don't* feel #i just want it to stop #i wanna stop hurting every time I see them being so intimate with someone else I've already been rejected I need to get the fuck over mysel #ugh #I...... #i usually try to keep these vague cuz I know people follow me and despite my best efforts do tend to read these #part of me wants that? that cry for help I guess? some way to reach out without having to be vulnerable #on the other hand I don't want to guilt anyone or to make anyone feel bad for being happy cuz that's toxic as fuck #I.... I don't fuckin know I'm just kind of rambling now. #....I'll be fine eventually #maybe #god I can't even say that for certain anymore huh #what do i even do why can't i see the solution anymore #all that's there is 'stop feeling x emotion' and thats just not a reasonable thing to expect myself to be capable of #you can't just turn off your emotions as much as I wish I could #.......want to be held close and touched a lot and told it'll be ok and complimented and. wanted #want to be wanted. #.....sigh #.......i am wanted. I know I am. I know so many people want my attention that it's nearly impossible to keep up #so what the fuck is my deal why do I still want it so bad? what isn't clicking? why doesn't it fucking work

[lisbonsteresa]

#tm #thinking several things. none of them coherent. #it's wild that this season starts with her stance pretty much being 'i'm the actual cop here. i can handle the danger. (i'll protect you)' #(and that continues here obviously) and then the season ends w/ (...*part one of the finale has) her in the most danger she's been in so fa #kind of similar to 6.01 where she insists on dealing with red john like any other suspect and then she gets into 'the most danger she's...' #and it's not so much that she's being....punished by the narrative for thinking/dealing with things in that way #(although there are shades of that i guess you could kind of read it that way too) #it's just red john is NOT like any other suspect he's not even like the worst suspects she's dealt with he's just on a different level #also wild that her version of fixing this is at great (professional and personal really) loss to herself #they said 'never forget; lisbon is an eldest sibling (eldest daughter at that) #idk it hurts to see her do it and take the punishment so naturally but i do appreciate that they never let you forget how #that informs her as a character that's great for me personally #meanwhile that little blonde moron (affectionate) is over there again like 'i don't want you in danger' 'i don't want lose you' #he's EXHAUSTING but ON THE OTHER HAND this makes me crazy too because like #he's the civilian here and he KNOWS he's the civilian and the show makes sure YOU know HE knows #he is not a 'stay in the car' [immediately leaves the car to come help in the fight] kind of civilian #(like he IS but not in this way...you get it) #he runs away from fights; he shrinks and cowers when threatened/seeing a weapon; he still gags and uses a hanky at some bodies #like he's just a GUY and he fully embraces that and yet STILL #his first instinct - demonstrated most physically in the s1 finale and....most of s7 but verbally/emotionally throughout #is to protect her; in whatever way he can #and most times that's lying to her; keeping secrets; going off and doing stupid shit; putting himself at risk without telling her anything #but that's ok in his book (....maybe not ok but it's better) #him hurting her is one thing; it's something he might be able to come back from; he can work towards her forgiving him #(even if he does a piss poor job of it sometimes alskdj) #but her getting hurt because of him is not something he can fix; it's something neither of them might come back from #and no matter how strong and capable and smart (and amazing and pretty we get it you're in love with her) he thinks she is #he can't risk her getting hurt....so sometimes he hurts her instead #just kind of....spiraling over them. doing great. clearly.

[hwiyoungies]

bought some hair dye and i'm ready to fuck my hair up (on wednesday)

#i asked the lady hey do you think i need to lighten up my hair for this color to show up #and she was like omg no #(my hair is like a 6 and the dye is a 7 so not much difference but you never know) #and it reminded me when i was a teen and i went to the same store brand #but not the one i usually went to #and was like hey i wanna dye my hair red what do you recommend! #and the lady was like well you can't do that you have to dye it brown first #(my hair was slightly lighter back then but still a dark blond/light brown) #and i told her i've dyed it before if that help and i didn't need to do that? #and she was like oh so let's trust your 1 time experience or my 17 years fo experience #then she just started talking some shit and i was like nevermind i'll just get some box dye #i think i've told this story before but it was truly baffling to me #because if i was a bleach blonde sure! sure i need pigments sinec i striped all of them off #but i was like pushing it a level 7 #and you want me to dye my hair darker???? for it to be red???? are you insane #anyways that happened over a decade ago and that lady was fucking insane #b.txt

[hiddenbysuccubi]

I'm going to eternally hate myself for the way I met Billie Piper but I do miss Rose Tyler on my screen and the newest Doctor Who clip indicates that Donna Noble had a daughter and named her Rose. I'm gonna scream.

#Doctor Who #It was the last showing of Yerma in New York City #and I was 2 weeks out of surgery for endo #Yerma is about a woman who goes crazy after infertility #it was really gripping and emotionally shattering and Billie gave a phenomenal performance #and I idolized her #I was leaving the bar at the theater and the whole cast was there #I could have just meekly asked for an autograph and slid out #but no my dumbass had met these young girls in the bar who were fangirling over Billie #they'd flown from some midwest state #and I went to tell THEM to get autographs #they got autographs I got nothing #to the girls I helped: I fucking hate you. I just do. I hate you both. #And to Billie I'm so sorry because that was so rude and wrong of me in the first place #I have never felt so embarrassed and upset for my actions #it even tops when my mom embarrassed me in front of an entire conference room at a con in front of Vic Mignogna #I learned David Tennant's advice of never meet your heroes #Tops even my cringe photoshoot with Misha Collins even #I'll never fangirl over an actor or such or dream of meeting one again I'm so sorry #I hate myself #anyway I wish Rose would come back just once as herself and not the moment but I guess we're lucky to have Billie in audio dramas for Who #sigh

[harrowharkwife]

swear to god if i open a fanfic ONE MORE TIME only to be greeted with an author's note saying "i asked chatgpt to tell me a story about-" i am going to go fucking NUCLEAR

#it's NEVER tagged!!! #i am so sick and FUCKING tired of hearing about chat bot shit. it's irresponsible tech that is only gonna help spread misinformation #/be used as a tool by corporate America to crank out shitty computer generated content #bc anything is better than having to hire people and pay them what they're worth am i right guys! #my job won't shut up about chatgpt i don't wanna have to see this shit on AO3 dot gov! please! is anything sacred! #I've already started running into endless variations of the same regurgitated paraphrased clearly AI-written garbage misinformation article #half of the time whenever i try to google something! i just keep getting AI generated garbage instead of any actual helpful information #side note: is Google like... super fucking broken for anyone else in terms of 'i can't find any useful information about anything anymore'? #or is it just me? #but AUGH. tech bros will be our downfall i swear to god #keep the AI shit out of art and creative endeavors it's a slippery slope and it's not leading anywhere good #this is fucking nfts all over again #or at LEAST if you're gonna be posting chat gpt prompts to ao3 fucking TAG THEM AS SUCH #I'm at the point where i hear someone say AI or chatgpt in an excited tone of voice #and i just consider it an immediate red flag #I'll delete this later it's unnecessarily cunty and i realize that but my GOD im sick of it #is it not enough that all of these writing bots are training on ao3 fics without the authors consent or permission? #now we have to encourage it by putting AI shit on there to begin with?

[infizero]

literally never felt more personally connected to a character than lake infinity train they make me ill

#that bitch is aroace ambigiously transmasc. send post #god. god. they srsly drive me insane im tearing up just thinking about them. #''i am a PERSON!" goodbye.walking into the ocean #THEIR STORY MAKES ME CRAZYINSANE i cant take it i cant take it. book 2 is so fucking good i'll never get over it #seeing them struggle in a system that doesnt view them as a person. that doesnt care about who they are or what they want #only what they can do for others. and them having to fight so fucking hard to get out of that and find a place where they can be themself #without being hunted down by the fucking police for it. finding someone else who accepts them and loves them and wants to help them #and just. just the fact that lake goes the whole thing looking the most transmasc i think someone could possibly be #while being referred to with she/her and by a name they don't identify with bcuz they haven't thought of a better one #and by the end they've renamed themself fucking LAKE of all things #IT LITERALLY STARTS WITH THEM SHAVING OFF ALL THEIR HAIR AND DITCHING GIRL CLOTHES LIKE. WHAT MORE DO I EVEN HAVE TO SAY #DAWG THEYRE LITERALLY THE REFLECTION OF A GIRL AND EVERYONES TRYING TO FORCE THEM TO LIVE LIFE AS THAT GIRL #like the stuff with being tulip's reflection and everything and lake trying to escape that identity. its sooooo transmasc #god. god. i cant fucking take it #serena.txt

[a-lonely-dunedain]

must a fic "have plot progression" and "a pont"? is it not enough to simply have two guys talk about their feelings alongside a narrator prone to rambling for *checks notes* 6 pages and counting?

#I swear any time I try to write anything literally nothing happens #I mean it's fun for ME to ramble about character's feelings and stuff while literally nothing else happens #but I feel like most would find it boring #breaking news! local woman only knows how to write 1 (one) kind of scene! more at 8 #or never idk this may never see the light of day #in order to employ the 'write like no one's reading' advice I must #always have the mindset that there is a very good chance I will never end up posting what I'm currently working on #it is quite helpful actually. but it's also the reason I only have one published fic #but see this is why I can't Do those WiP ask games bc as far as anyone needs to be concerned I do not have any WiPs #if I tell people about my WiPs that may or may not exist I will then feel under the obligation to post them Eventually #so then I can't 'write like no one's reading' #I'll just get stuck on it but get stressed that it's not getting done bc people are Expecting It and I can't disappoint anyone or I'll DIE #or something like that #Schrödinger's WiPs. the WiP that may or may not exist. you will only know about it if Taz ever ends up posing it in it's entirety #(that is not to say I mind being tagged in those WIP ask games! I am flattered to be thought of for those!) #(and who knows maybe one of these days I'll get over this weird hangup and feel comfortable posting about WiPs when prompted) #(only time will tell) #Taz's foray into writing

[running-in-the-dark]

so! I've not been sleeping well lately. and I've gotta get through the next few months (of writing my stupid thesis) somehow. I need a lot of sleep to function. so I've decided to increase the dose of the medication that lets me sleep (an antidepressant) again. we only just reduced it earlier this year so I know it's fine.

the dose I've been on is the lowest dose possible, so this is still very low. I don't think it really does much for my mood either way (even at the higher dose that I used to be on). but not sleeping well definitely makes me feel like shit, and especially lying in bed not being able to fall asleep. I'm not good at consistently taking this medication long enough before I go to bed, so it usually takes about an hour until I can sleep. I know that at this slightly higher dose, I get sleepy very quickly, maybe read for a few minutes and then fall asleep with no issues.

I really want to take fewer meds (for someone who is ~young and healthy~ according to their GP (🙄) I take a lot of medication every day, and tbh it is really annoying), but they help a lot and at the moment I can't function without them, so I'll just have to wait a little longer (and that's fine)

#I think I'm getting over the sort of guilty feeling I used to get for taking meds when I don't have like. any big diagnosis or whatever #like there's things/illnesses that medication is seen as acceptable for. I guess? #but it's not acceptable/understandable to have a bunch of smaller things wrong and to take medication for each of them #I'm not explaining this well bc I've already taken my meds and I'm sleeeeepy #but anyway! I know my meds help me so fuck anyone who's weird about it. it's my life not theirs #especially the anxiety medication - i know what I went through for 30 years before I started taking it. and I'm not going back to that 🤷 #can't change my fucked up brain. but I *can* help it so that it doesn't think we're about to die every minute of every goddamn day #so yeah meds are great and I'm gonna go sleep now #personal #cw medication #what was the point of this post again lol #but damn like. I wish someone had offered me medication for my anxiety when I was like. 20. that would have changed my life #it still did. but there's just. things that I missed out on that I'll never get back so. I'm incredibly grateful that I get to *live* now at #least

[dixiedingo]

Bahhh

#been feeling crummy #doesn't help my eliptical machine finally gave up #but I've been obsessing again #i hate it when I do this because I don't feel like I have any control over it #no matter how hard I distract myself I just keep thinking about the pains and stuff #this morning I couldn't stop thinking about how abandoned I feel/felt #yesterday and today i just feel ugly. unsightly. #and i wanna make friends but also i know I'm super intense with my feelings and reactions. #and i know. we just live inna day and age where people just. don't have the patience for it #it feels like if i ever complain to anyone they'll just abandon me and complain about how like #self absorbed and emotional I am #and I know this is all irrational but when it actually happens to you when the worst case scenario actually happens #you get so jumpy and frightened #my problems seem so intense and so much cause everytime I bring it up I judt get hit with #“oh.” or “wow.” or “im sorry.” #and its like you're clearly uncomfortable! and now I feel bad! and its like I can never tell anyone whats wrong. #and the few people who do listen I can never get them to talk to me in normal circumstances #so i feel like you're a therapist more than a friend and thats worse bc its like im using you #vent #i just feel like crying but I know it wont fix anything and i'll just get another nose bleed