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marlborodean · 3 years

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here’s my analysis of a 14-yr-old supernatural episode

so remember that episode where sam fucked a werewolf? because he related to her unwilling monstrosity? well that episode is actually just about dean starting to come to grips with his childhood and his sexuality.

if you ship w/ncest do not interact. this post is not anti-sam either btw.

content warning: discussions of childhood trauma, internalized homophobia, guns, killing.

does include some images with Image Descriptions following them.

[ID: An over-the-shoulder close-up shot from the episode, focused on Madison, the werewolf, as she cries. Dean is standing behind her. They are both looking at Sam, whose shoulder is on the edge of the frame. End ID.]

Brief episode recap just in case u don’t remember. This ep is 2x17 “Heart.” Sam and Dean are hunting a werewolf. They discover that the woman they interviewed, Madison, is a werewolf (not THEE werewolf, but one of them). Sam develops a lil crush on her <3 I wrote the majority of this after watching it for the first time in almost SIX years, so i was just vibing the whole time UNTIL the last shot changed it all for me. So let me explain!

Three important points that i will refer back to:

1. The episode begins with Dean being excited to hunt a werewolf because "what about a human by day, a freak animal killing machine by moonlight don't you understand? I mean, werewolves are badass. We haven't seen one since we were kids."

2. Then the episode centers on Sam and his relationship with the werewolf woman and his own monstrosity: "[Dean: Sam, she's a monster and you're feeling sorry for her?] Maybe I understand her."

3. BUT THEN the last shot of the episode is of Dean crying as music plays (see below for the specific lyrics) and then Dean jumps at the sound of the gunshot. That's it! That's the end of the episode!

[ID: For all three screencaps, Dean is looking torturously sad. Each one is zoomed a little bit closer to his face than the last. In the last image, Dean sheds a single man tear. The captioned lyrics for the first one say "Relax, child, you were there." The second says "but only didn't realize" and the third says "and you were scared." End ID]

Even though the story is supposed to be about Sam and his monstrosity, and partly about his relationship w/romance since this is the first person he’s slept with since Jess died (at least with what is shown on screen)...the Dean Sandwich tells us otherwise. We're supposed to be taking away something about DEAN here. Like, that's the whole purpose behind the last shot focusing solely on Dean instead of Sam who is AT THAT MOMENT, KILLING THE GIRL HE HAS FEELINGS FOR. It's literally a heartbreaking, devastating, super traumatic thing for Sam to be going through, but instead we're watching Dean as a single tear slides down his face lmao. It's because this episode is about DEAN, and furthering his story.

Let’s not queer this just yet. The death of the werewolf is about/representing his loss of innocence. It's a violent disconnect from his childhood. Point # 1 shows that he is fascinated by werewolves because since he was a kid he thought they were badass, not to mention all the werewolf films he references throughout. Then, through the music lyrics over that last scene, they mirror that theme of childhood. They’ve done this before, having the diegetic music directly reference what the characters are going through. No different here: Dean is the child they’re referring to.

I have to reiterate that that's the last thing we hear before the gunshot cuts the music short and then the cut to black. "You were scared" is the last thing we hear before the gunshot, as Dean cries. ALSO I have to reiterate that Dean was looking forward to killing a werewolf and shooting it himself. So it's super fascinating that, not only is Sam the one that kills the werewolf, WE DON’T EVEN SEE IT HAPPEN.

[ID: A medium-close shot of Dean as he looks at Sam, who takes up the right half of the frame. The caption says, “Sammy, I got this one. I’ll do it.” End ID.]

Am i gonna have to say this now? The werewolf is a metaphor, okay? It's a metaphor for his innocence, which is long-dead, forever doomed. I mean, a lot of kids love werewolves because they ARE badass! It's a classic monster that anyone could easily obsess over, and with Dean's childhood it must've seemed even cooler, knowing they're real and having the power to kill this "mythical" beast. So the way he's looking forward to killing one is the way a child imagines themselves as a hero.

But what happens instead is a tragic mercy killing. It's flipping his fantasy completely on its head, and it makes Dean realize that.....his fantasies are just fantasies. They aren't real, never would be. There's nothing heroic about killing this werewolf. It's tragic as hell. When he offers to kill her himself, it's just to relieve Sam's burden, but he's reluctant still. Because, as he keeps saying, he doesn't want to be a hunter! He doesn't want this life! He's tired of killing! And that's also what he's mourning as he cries and startles at the gunshot. His fantasies will never be real and his childhood could never have been normal and he never got a chance to be a kid because being a hunter was thrust on him at such a young age. And now it feels inescapable.

[ID: A gif of the slow zoom on Dean’s face as the single tears slips down his cheek. He jumps at the gunshot, then blinks and his lip wobbles. End ID.]

So now we can queer it :-) Of course all monster stories can be easily queered, but werewolves are popularly queered. The first example that comes to mind is An American Werewolf in London (1981) isn’t an overtly queer film (though it is Jewish!) but it’s definitely read that way by a lot of people!! Anyway the film was directed by John Landis which JUST SO HAPPENS to be the pseudonym Dean goes by in this episode. hmm. (Also, interestingly, the BTVS ep where the first gay character comes out references this film too)

[ID: Sam and Dean are standing close to each other. Sam is in the foreground, not in focus. Dean, behind him, says, “Landis. And Detective Dante.” End ID.]

There’s this essay about the queer werewolf that you can read here (and they also talk about fandom in it! very fascinating), where they say in the intro: “the werewolf seems an obvious choice as a queer monster with its identity-disrupting hybridity, as well as its atavistic, and, thus, disallowable sexuality.” A lot like Kristeva’s theory of the abject body! which is popular in queer theory.

This episode is then queering Sam—his attraction to the werewolf makes him abject—but it also queers Dean thru the way his attitude towards the werewolf transforms (get it?) throughout the ep. His desire and eagerness to kill the werewolves is obviously ingrained in him from John’s parenting. Consider what he said in 2x03 “Bloodlust”: “And the way he raised us, to hate those things—and man, I hate them, I do.” In conjunction with the monsters in the show being seen as queer allegories (the gorgon, as an example of an explicit comparison), Dean’s excitement to kill the werewolf can be read as internalized homophobia and repressing any of his own feelings.

Remember, though, right before that line in “Bloodlust,” he also said, “What if we killed things that didn’t deserve killing?” He’s really beginning to question whether all monsters are bad, and what it means to kill them. Is he also questioning what he believes of queer people? What John believed of queer people? The loss of innocence and queering both slot together through that final shot, imo: he’s crying because he realizes his fantasies aren’t real, but he’s also mourning the fact that he never could have had the chance to grow up without John’s control, and now it’s forever tainted his worldview. What else could he have been without that? (The answer is evident in 4x17 “It’s a Terrible Life.”)

Dean was taught to hate queer people but he doesn't want to. He wants to get out of the life but it feels inescapable. He wants to kill a werewolf and then when he has the chance, he doesn't want to. He actually cries as it's killed. It scares him, having to confront that what he thought he knew was wrong, but he knows all the same that he’ll never have the chance to have grown up without that.

#is anyone up? anyone wanna read this? i finished this instead of doing homework #sorry the end is bad LMAO i'm notoriously bad at writing conclusions #also i want to say that the monster allegories in SPN more often have to do with race and not homophobia. but this episode sticks out to me #as representing queerness instead of race. especially because they set it up as compared to Sam's story which is SO queer.#spn #what do i tag this #ej.pdf #supernatural #bi dean #my professors would give me a bad grade on this #portfolio

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wickedpact · 4 years

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[waggles finger angrily in direction of computer screen] KEANE!

ok so i Started saying this in that other post but the Thing About keane is that he doesnt come off as being That Bad through the most of the movie. obviously hes not a good person; the fact that he works for merrick and that hes ex special forces alone is sus as fuck (like buddy, why arent you still in special forces?)

but in comparison to dr kozak (sadist) and merrick (also a sadist) keane doesnt seem that bad. he spends most of the movie standing around in douchebag suits and being intimidating. there are only like five scenes where we see him touch other people, ‘cause all he really does is order his goons around, and Usually when we Do see him touch people, he’s more or less Your Usual Brand of Asshole about it

long post under cut :/

like. 1.) grabbing joe after he headbutts merrick

2.) knocking out andy and booker with the sedative

3.) knocking out copley

4.) the joenicky fight scene

5.) the joe fight scene afterwards but that doesnt really count bc he never got a punch in (lol)

and in all of those, excluding the the joenicky fight scene (and the joe fight scene which i just said doesnt count) keane’s.... eh? hes not nice but he could be way meaner.

The Joe Grab: obviously not Good Boy behavior, obviously aggressive, but he doesnt hurt joe here. hes not even cutting off joe’s air, he’s just grabbing him.

i mean. in reaction to the headbutt, keane threatens joe without harming him, the goon behind joe pistol whips him, and merrick stabs him. of the three reactions we get, keane’s is the most mild. look, his finger isnt even on the trigger

andy & book; again not good boy behavior, but again he could have been way worse. when he sedates andy she struggles like fuck, and you can even see keane kind of stumble as he tries to hold her down. even so, he doesnt hit her to get her to stop, a thing his goons do fairly regularly to the others, and even when he grips her neck to hold her still, he’s holding her jaw more than her neck (look at his thumb). in the aftermath, she doesnt even have any marks. (this coming from the movie that gave merrick a red spot on his forehead for like a whole minute after joe headbutted him. lmao suck it merrick)

and when he goes for book, more of the same. he just kind of... holds him in place, despite his struggling. its professional . hes just a dude doing his job. Keane The Professional.

when he knocks out copley right after thats the only other time we see him personally harm someone, and even then that was with a specific order from merrick (you see him give keane A Look) and theres nothing sadistic there either. he hit copley, copley was out(TM), the end.

None Of This Gives Any Indication Of Keane Enjoying Causing Pain

AMND THEN: THE JOENICKY FIGHT

and Many People have discussed this fight so i wont go off too hard but. this fight. it lasts roughly thirty seconds. Thirty. and of those thirty seconds, keane spends about... eh, seventeen focused on nicky? (the kicking, the gun, etc) on joe? he spends about three. as in seconds. the other ten seconds is mostly keane getting beat on or standing ominously above the two of them.

and of the few analyses ive seen, people point out keane being homophobic as his motivation here (and he definitely is) but homophobia alone doesnt explain why keane WENT OFF on nicky specifically.

because like! the beginning of this fight! keane sends all of his goons after nile booker and andy! SIX men to fight THREE immortals, leaving KEANE ALONE to fight the other two! and then he walks into the room joe and nicky are in, sees them both lying there,

ADN HE PUTS AWAY HIS GUN

like! he already won the fight right then and there! nicky and joe were on the floor! a bullet to the head to both of them to keep them down and keane would have had them both, but no, keane puts his gun away, grabs his zipties,

AMDN then he goes straight for fucnening nicky

it would make Sense if hed gone for joe. he and joe have established beef. the headbutt. the speech in the van (which im sure keane heard at some point since those guards had bodycams and im sure keane wanted to know how he and nicky managed to kill his men and looked at the footage) --and theres the killing of the men itself, but both joe and nicky did that together. so.

either way, joe has been challenging the authority of keane and his men since he had the breath to do so. nicky’s barely glanced in keane’s direction (beyond the killing the men thing, which weve established both he and joe did)

other than that, worst thing nicky’s done to keane is nearly bump into him while he was busy making Disappointed Eye Contact with copley

but anyways: keane doesnt go for joe! he walks past joe’s body and goes for nicky, who’s just barely begun to move. it would also make sense, at this point, to put a bullet in nicky’s head here. like i said, keane’s already won. Keane The Professional wouldve already killed him.

instead, keane kicks nicky in the head, stands there and watches nicky get up, then kicks him a second time, and watches him again. he goes to do it a third time before nicky gets the drop on him.

at no point prior to this in the movie do we see keane behave like this. he doesnt cause pain for the sake of causing it. he doesnt hurt people pointlessly. here, he does. theres no reason to be kicking nicky like this. its not accomplishing anything, it’s not helping him capture them. hes just doing it ‘cause he wants to. (not to mention, each time you see him go to kick nicky, he goes to kick harder)

and actually, doing this is actively stupid! joe is waking up a foot away. there are three other immortals on the loose. merrick is unaccounted for. and keane is just wasting time. by dicking around rn, he’s actively shooting himself in the foot.

but anyways, nicky punches keane, keane kicks him off, and then joe’s awake, and This is the detail i just noticed a little earlier-- but when keane gets up here and joe grabs him: his head is turned towards nicky. his eyes are turned towards nicky. he’s moving towards nicky, not joe, who is the active threat in the moment

he doesnt even acknowledge joe until joe’s hand is physically on his head. joe had to physically Hold the dude back from going after nicky again

and then we see keane’s behavior change again when he sets his sights on joe. Keane The Professional is back again- two rapid-fire punches aimed at joe, no nonsense, no drawing it out, and then he goes for his gun

he doesnt draw it out. he doesnt sit and watch joe suffer. that gif is in real time, thats how fast keane took joe out. two punches, shoulder, neck, and then an immediate escalation to lethal force.

like the difference between: keane putting his gun away and then keeping it away for fifteenish seconds while focusing on nicky

when focusing on joe, it takes him.. about two seconds & some change to pull the gun out again

keane wanted joe dead, but he wanted nicky to fucking suffer

and the you know, theres the obvious gun in mouth thing, which other people have talked about. the only thing i have to say about That is that its another fucking example of keane shooting himself in the foot. hes in a room filled with gas w/ no gas mask, and theres a very pissed off joe like two feet away from him recovering by the second. however, he doesnt do the Keane The Professional thing and put a bullet in nicky’s forehead-- he deliberately leans down, grabs nicky’s hair (and its not like he needed to, nicky sure as hell wasnt going anywhere anyway, unable to breathe and probably still sitting on a concussion after being kicked in the head) and jams the gun in nickys mouth. he’s wasting time doing that. it would have been faster and easier to just shoot nicky in the head. (like he probably was about to do to joe, considering how he doesnt step any closer to joe as he pulls out the gun)

and then he just??? bounces??

he is, again, in a position where he’d practically won. he had nicky dead. joe was on the ground. he could have gone for his mask, or shot joe and then fucked off to get a breath of Good Air. gun is still in his hand. he doesnt even try to take out joe, not even just shooting over his shoulder as he left. he doesnt give a shit about joe once nicky’s dead.

nicky was dead, so keane just left. and he double takes at the body as he goes??

like at first i thought he was confused nicky wasnt getting up, but he knows how the immortals work, he saw joe and nicky die on the body cams at the church. like sir why are fucking looking? fuck off?

but yeah theres just no explanation for this! nicky has done practically nothing to keane, but keane just zeroed tf in on nicky with no provocation! it couldnt have been just homophobia, if it were he would have targeted joe the same way he did nicky. he had to have some other motivation for acting completely differently @ nicky than he does to any other character in the film, and then just. going back to normal once nicky was dead. its weird. its creepy. and theres like 0 explanation. dont like it

#i said i was gonna make this post and then i sat down and made ramen instead which really sums up me as a person #its fucikgn. keane meta hours i guess #dont know what to tag this as other than #Keane Warning #my_essays

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kickingitwithkirk · 3 years

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Greetings From Austin

Pairing: Alpha!Jensen Ackles x Alpha!Jared Padalecki x Omega!OFC

Summary: Jensen and Jared are at odds over a monumental decision that changes their lives in a way they couldn’t have envisioned.

Word Count: 2616

Warnings: a/b/o, homophobia, bisexuality, biphobia, angst, cursing, self doubt, depression/anxiety, medical stuff, sexual dysfunction, infertility

*additional warnings to be added in future parts.

A/N: Here we go again with one my weird as hell dreams, series Inspired by this art.

A/N II: There is no intentional hate or malevolence intended towards any of the Ackles or Padalecki families. This is a purely fictional piece containing real and created persons/names/events set in the fictional A/B/O verse. Some dates/events altered to fit story.

*no beta-all mistakes are mine

*divider by @writeyourmindaway

*images found online

Prologue

Austin, TX

Mid July

“Babe,” Jensen softly says in a low voice to the person seated next to him in the waiting room, “Babe,” he says a bit louder, still getting no response. Leaning close, he blows into their ear.

Jared starts, his “what” muffled by the finger he’s been chewing on.

“You know you can’t do that, don’t want you getting sick.” Taking his hand Jensen pulls it away from his pretty pink lips, gently caressing the finger. Jared had finally stopped chewing on his hands when Covid-19 became widespread.

“Where’s your gum?” Jared bite his lip not answering.

Sighing, Jensen shifts retrieving his pack and hands a piece to him. “What’s got you masticating again?” He inquires as Jared pops the stick in his mouth.

Jared chews the gum nervously weighing how to answer the question knowing Jensen won’t accept anything less than the whole truth. “What if something goes wrong again because of me.”

Jensen’s brow furrowed. He learned years ago that while their relationship is one of equals, he had to be lead Alpha when Jared’s mental state overwhelmed him as it had the last few weeks.

***

After the public announcement in March 2019 that season fifteen would be Supernaturals last, they had agreed when finished with the pickups they would take an extended break, return to Austin and concentrate on their marriage.

Jared intended to stop acting indefinitely, pursuing other interests and Jensen wanted to concentrate on his music.

Of course, things didn’t quite end up how they planned.

Jared entered negotiations to star in the Walker, Texas Ranger reboot, along with being an executive producer. Jensen got a call from Kripke wanting him for the role of Soldier Boy in The Boys third season.

But by March of 2020, everything came to a halt thanks to the Corona-virus.

The shutdowns left Supernaturals final two episodes with no definitive filming date and their seemingly never ending last season put their other projects on hold.

For the first time in years they had the luxury of a leisurely schedule, not having to be somewhere on a timetable, they could communicate with friends and family uninterrupted, deal with their other businesses, charities, etc, leaving most days free to enjoy being together without constraint.

But even amazing, awesome, vigorous sex on every horizontal/vertical surface that could support the two big Alphas only filled so many hours and like many couples, they started getting each others nerves and looked for other ways to stay occupied.

By late May, Jared was unable to sleep or eat, even going out of the house became a chore. When he hit a consecutive fourth day in bed, Jensen bodily dragged him into the bath for a desperately needed shower and loaded him in his truck driving to his doctor's.

Upon checking in they were told patients only allowed in the facility. Jared started panicking, saying he was having chest pains and couldn’t breath. He was rushed in with Jensen hot on their heels after morphing into an overprotective Alpha mate no one was stopping.

Jared’s doctor deduced with the lock-downs prohibiting him from his routine checkups and periodic adjustments needed to his medications triggered this episode.

The first step was to wean him off his current prescriptions and change to a newly approved, alternative regime. He was checked in a facility for ten days under observation while detoxing off his meds.

His therapist switched his twice weekly tele-counseling sessions to daily for the foreseeable future and Kodas certification as an emotional support animal was approved. His progress was slow but he was returning back to his sweet natured, big hearted, exceptionally tactical, overgrown puppy self.

When the surprise call from the clinic came a few days ago about an appointment opening, Jensen initially didn’t want it, still in his overly excessive protective Alpha mode. Jared’s outburst made him relent, fearing they were on a collision course for a major setback if he didn’t.

And Jensen, being Jensen, went overboard to ensure the appointment was absolutely private.

Part I

Jared was about to speak when a woman in scrubs called out, “Mr. Bonham and Mr. Page.” they got up crossing over to her, “Hello, I’m Sissy, Dr. Rodgers nurse, please follow me.”

They pass through the doorway leading through a maze of halls like that of any other medical clinic except this one specialized in a very specific service.

The nurse opens a door near the back of the clinic gesturing for them to enter the spacious office, “Please have a seat, the doctor will be with you shortly.” She closed the door and they sat down in the pair of chairs directly in front of the large, dark mahogany desk.

Jensen, scenting Jared’s nervousness, lifts his right hand kissing his palm, making him chuckle at the tickle of Jen’s soft beard before twining their fingers together and setting them on his left thigh, smiling reassuringly.

There was a brief knock before the door opened and an older, silver haired Beta entered. “Hello, I’m Dr. Rodgers, how are we doing today?” He asks, moving to his chair behind the desk.

Jared gave him a tight smile and Jensen remained placid.

The doctor raises an eyebrow, “Relax Mr. Page, this is just a visit to go over the paperwork before deciding about how we proceed, not the Spanish Inquisition.” Jared releases his held breath but couldn’t completely calm himself.

“I know the process can be overwhelming but I must ask, is there something we’ve done to make you uncomfortable?” Dr. Rodgers inquires.

“No, everyone’s been really nice, very professional. It’s just we..we had issues the first time we attempted to do this.” Jared finished his sentence quietly, in the recess of his mind; something bad is gonna happen and it’ll be my fault.

Jensen squeezes his hand tighter, instinctively sensing Jared’s mind was trying to spiral again, “When tried this before someone leaked our plans to the media. It wasn't ever proven the clinic was involved but...”

“We do everything possible to keep our clients anonymity protected here. All of our staff have been thoroughly vetted and sign NDA, given your professions, you're familiar with how they work. Your real identities will remain completely confidential, even if you choose to not proceed. It is why you chose this particular clinic, yes?”

“Yes, it is.” Jensen replied.

“How about we get this bit of paperwork out of the way, then we can have a more relaxed visit. I’ve gone over the applications you both submitted and have noted a few discrepancies in the medical section that need clarification before we proceed,” He opens the top file, “Mr. Bonham, why did you omit Genu Varum from your medical history?”

Jensen kept his expression neutral as he felt his stomach automatically clench. He had been mercilessly teased throughout his childhood about his bowed legs by his older brother Josh and later his buddies from school when they’d come over to hang out. By the time he was in high school Jensen’s extraordinary looks and personality were what got people’s attention first. Nowadays, many a fanfic waxed poetic about those bowed legs.

“The questionnaire inquired about inherited genetic medical conditions and since mine isn’t, I didn’t think it was necessarily applicable.” Jared hears an edge creeping into Jensen’s voice and gives their tangled fingers a quick squeeze.

“Did you see an orthopedist and were they able to determine what caused the condition? Did they suggest any surgical procedures or therapies to straighten your legs?”

“I was born a preemie, the orthopedists my parents consulted decided my condition was attributable to that.” Jensen replies tersely, dropping his vocal range. Jared gripped his hand harder, telling him to cool the attitude. “The doctor didn’t recommend surgery but sent me to physical therapy, thought it would help them straighten as I grew.”

“So no others in your immediate family have this issue?”

“Everyone my family has straight legs, including my three children.”

Jared piped in, “He hates it but he does have an exercise regimen; stretching, strength training. Oh, he also takes several different vitamins, omega oils, turmeric and extra vitamin D to support his joints.” They watched the doctor scribble a few more notes in the file before closing it.

“Mr. Page,” Jared sits up straighter in his chair, “I appreciate that you went into detail about your mental health status. I see you’ve recently been hospitalized, your medications have been changed to an alternative regiment and you’ve also increased your therapy sessions?”

Jared’s interview continued for another twenty minutes as Dr. Rodgers questioned him in depth about his depression and anxiety, feeling said anxiety ratcheting up so he focused on Jensen’s thumb rhythmically moving over his hand and used every ounce of his acting skills to appear confident and in control.

Dr. Rodgers closed his file, “I only have a few general questions left then we can discuss how you wish to proceed.”

After a more relaxed, genial conversation with the doctor, Sissy took them to a couple private rooms with paraphernalia to help stimulate them into producing a couple semen samples.

Jensen was getting close to finishing with his favorite spank-bank fantasy when he felt Jared’s frustration across their bond.

~~~

Jared couldn’t get aroused.

He felt as useless as his flaccid cock.

His doctor warned him that loss of sex drive could be a possible side effect of his new regiment until his body adjusted to it. He had struggled with temporary impotence a few times on his old meds, always fearful Jensen would finally see him as undesirable, no longer a satisfactory mate.

Rationally, he knew it was his illness causing these exceptionally hard to deal thoughts recently and the nagging idea this wasn’t the right thing for them to attempt again continually kept creeping in.

Jensen’s unspoken reluctance about having more children at his age was also weighing on his conscience, warring against his own biological longings.

They had a humongous argument when he told Jensen about taking the appointment. Jen thought this was the wrong time to attempt it again, pointing out he was just getting his equilibrium back setting Jared went off on a rant about how he no longer wanted him and would leave him like Genevieve had because he was too broken to deal with anymore.

Unmitigated anguish was written across Jensen’s beautiful features, the very notion that Jared could conceivably believe that he’d ever abandon him made his soul hurt in such a way no verbal language on earth could ever express his devastated feelings traveling across their bond.

***

Everything they’d been through; from that bar fight solidifying their friendship, Jared’s first breakdown, the years of living as roommates while secretly a couple to finding wives who understood their unique relationship and still married them both in 2010.

The joyous arrival of JJ three years later that unfortunately exacerbated Genevieve's frustration of not being able to conceive coming out with a vengeance at Jared. His unexpected breakdown in Switzerland was the final nail in their marriage. Gen was there for him but in the end it was all too much and she filed for divorce.

Shortly after, Jared’s iCloud account was hacked. It was believed, but never conclusively proven, that Gen was behind it since her lawyer was trying to break their prenuptial agreement, the videos documenting his private and explicit sexual relationship with Jensen were legally considered adulterous. In the end, the court upheld the legal document but the ramifications...

They were summoned to L.A. for the meeting from hell with WB executives, both convinced it was the end of Supernatural and their careers.

After the reaming out, they each received a weeks pay suspension to cover some of what it was gonna cost PR in time and money to deal with the inevitable repercussions and placate the show's sponsors.

How would the show’s fans react? Would they still be able to accept them as brothers only on TV while in real life they were involved in a highly stigmatized relationship?

When they returned to work there was an atmosphere of tension that hadn’t existed before. It was an open secret that all shows had their share of bitchiness and backstabbing behind the scenes. Jensen may have the thicker skin, keeping tighter control on his emotions, but Jared knew it hurt him just as deeply the loss of some of their friends because of prejudicial, social beliefs that two Alpha males shouldn’t be involved.

Jensen’s parents showed up unexpectedly in Vancouver a few weeks later. What started out as a not quite comfortable visit quickly deteriorated with his religiously conservative parents. They had not raised him like this and blamed Jared, saying he had corrupted him, leading him into a sinful lifestyle. He needed to repent and return to his wife to whom he had made a commitment before god.

Jensen blew up, replying it was none of their business, it was between them and oh, yeah, Danneel knew about them before marrying him and they better not say anything to her. Without another word his parents left. When he later called them to make amends, his mother coolly stated that he was no longer part of their family and to never contact them again.

Three months after the twins were born in 2016 came the finalization of Jensen’s divorce from Danneel, painful but congenial. They easily agreed on joint custody and still spent most holidays together. Jensen gave Dani financial security in their settlement, he wanted to make sure she didn’t have to worry about working again unless she wanted to.

All these years later, Jared continually has nagging thoughts that they had let everybody down. They received support when they publicly came out as bisexual then lost some of it when they married, being mocked for not coming out as gay.

***

There was another knock at the door and Jared ignored it, it was that nurse checking on his lack of progress again. The knock turned into pounding, “Jared, open this door now dammit!” He flinched realizing Jensen knew what was going on with him. Releasing the privacy latch and opening the door a crack he saw concerned green eyes only.

“Sorry, I thought you were that nurse,” he stepped away and sat back down as Jensen came in and re-latching it behind him. “She came to get me when you stopped answering,” Jensen said, walking over to him and started running his thick fingers through his husband’s long hair, “what’s going on babe?”

He glances up knowing that Jensen already knew, “It’s okay Jay, take as long as you need.” He paused at the unpleasant scent wafting around him. “If you’d be more comfortable we could do this at home…” Jared shakes his head, “There’s the risk of damage, contamination and or not able to get it back in time that could make the semen unusable.” Jared quotes from a website.

Jensen softly chuckled, “Nerd.”

Jared notices the bulge in his jeans, “You didn’t...”

“Drain the snake..choke the chicken..spank the monkey.”

“Fuck, okay, you didn’t! Stop using old man slang.” He shook his head smiling at Jensen intentionally goading him.

Jared reached up for the hand playing in his hair, grasping it to draw Jensen down next to him.

“Jack, I don’t want to wait any longer on doing this. I love JJ and the twins, you know I do, but they'll always be yours and Danneels. I know the timing could be better... but I'm almost thirty-eight and I want my..our own pups running around the house driving us crazy.”

“For the next eighteen years?”

“Minimum.”

tbc

Part II

SPN: @donnaintx @lyarr24

GFA: @babypink224221 @waywardjoy @let-me-luve-you @all-4-wincest

Sam/Jared @idreamofplaid

Dean/Jensen: @flamencodiva

#J2 #alpha!jensen ackles x alpha!jared padalecki #jared x jensen #a/b/o #alpha!jensen x alpha!jared x omega!ofc #alpha!jensen ackles #alpha!jared padalecki #a/b/o ofc #Jensen Ackles #Jared Padalecki #spn au #husbands

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antivirus-mh-au · 3 years

Text

Antivirus - Chapter 3

TW: Discussions of homophobia, angst Ships: Jam Chapter 1 here Chapter 2 here Ao3 link

If you like this, please leave a like, reblog, or send me an ask! It encourages me so much.

He could already tell sleep wasn’t happening tonight.

Tim sat with his legs dangling out the side doors of his van. His fingers ached for a second cigarette, but he’d reached his personal limit for the night. If he smoked again, he’d run out before dawn, and that was as bad for his health as rescuing people. He was the prize of a race between death by cancer and the Operator. However his life ended, it wasn’t going to be pretty.

He’d parked in the outer edges of a Walmart. If he’d planned on sleeping, he would’ve gone inside, bought a few things, let the manager know he was hanging around for the night. But this was just another stop in a road trip that never ended. One way or another, tonight he’d get back on the road, and drive until his body had enough.

But where would he go? Up north, or east, towards Alabama?

He took off his glasses and rubbed the space between his eyes. Most people didn’t know he wore contacts, but then again, most people didn’t stick around long enough in his life to ask. The last time anyone actually found out was Jay. The look on his face when he saw Tim in glasses… Even now, Tim’s face broke into a smile at the memory.

Jay… Tim put his glasses back on. Picking up the tablet sitting next to him, Tim flipped through a few apps he’d left open until he got to the one he wanted. He glanced up, eyes scanning the parking lot. In the distance, someone laughed, a car door slammed, people walked back to their cars with their carts full of bags. Tim looked back to the photos.

Meredith had sent all of them, so she said. Said there might be more on the flash drive she was sent, but she wasn’t comfortable connecting it to her computer and finding out. Once he found a spot to claim as his headquarters, he’d have her send it to him. But there were enough photos to prove the sender’s point. Enough to make him feel sick to his stomach.

They were taken from a distance, some zoomed in by the taker, stalker style. Probably on a phone of some kind. He wasn’t an expert in analyzing photos and he didn’t have anyone that could help with that. Didn’t matter, the content was clear enough.

Alex standing at a crosswalk, one hand on the strap of his backpack slung over his shoulder. Alex sitting on a park bench, his eyes closed in pain or sorrow. Alex in front of a row of canned soup, looking almost confused. A little older, a little thinner, gray hair on his temples and stubble coating his chin, but it was Alex. It could only be Alex.

None of the photos gave a clear look at Alex’s neck. Should he be grateful for that?

So… somehow, Alex… Survive wasn’t the word. Tim felt the life going out of Alex that miserable day, felt his heart stop pumping and saw the eyes behind the glasses glaze over in death. There was no surviving that. Unless he’d hallucinated the whole thing, but, no, he wasn’t going to consider that. He’d killed Alex. He’d murdered Alex. And now, he was alive again.

Tim shuddered. Could It have done this? The Operator was powerful beyond belief, but did It have control over life and death?

Mysteries of how he came back aside, it was definitely Alex in the photos. The ones supposedly showing Jay, though...

He looked at all of them. Really, he stared at all of them, lingering over the slightly grainy photos. They were taken just like the ones of Alex, but somehow, they felt even more… secretive. As if the photographer tried to hide instead of being subtle about what they were doing. They were clear enough, though.

Clear enough to convince Tim it wasn’t Jay.

Jay was untouched. The same weight, the same hair, the same face, without grays or wrinkles. A man in his youth, the so-called prime of his life, somewhere in his mid-twenties. The clothes were different, his green jacket replaced by a black one, his hat gone from his head. And no cameras.

… He looked… happy. Even in the pictures he wasn’t smiling in, the light shone out through his eyes. His clothes were often wrinkled or dirty, his shoes old or secondhand, but it didn't seem to matter to him. Jay stood without tension in his body, arms loose, head held high. As if nothing had ever happened to him. As if he hadn't bled out slowly in an abandoned building, all alone.

Tim twisted around and reached, setting the tablet on the small table that folded out from the walls of his van. Turning his back on the night, he crawled inside his home and slammed the doors shut behind him.

Modifying this van had taken him years, working on and off in between cases. Now it was a pretty comfortable place to live. A kitchen with fridge, range and sink, a bed that folded out into a couch, a small table, and all the storage space he could need, not that he needed much. It would fit two people comfortably, but he didn't need it to take care of anyone but himself.

Next to his tablet was a book he'd bought from the library he'd visited earlier in the day, some cheap fiction novel. Tim had both bookmarks inside it, waiting to be read when he had the time. Like now. Sitting down on the couch, he opened to the first page, but his mind drifted.

"I wasn't as good a mother to him as I should've been," Meredith had said. "My love had limits, even though I didn't know it at the time."

He was used to this, the painful stories told without him asking for them. Being the last resort for a lot of loved ones, they treated him like a confidant as much as a private investigator. They needed to talk about it. They needed someone to tell them it would be okay. Tim was okay being that person, but it was different when he knew the missing people himself.

But Meredith didn't know that.

"I know it seems impossible," she'd said, "but I'd recognize Jay and Alex no matter what disguise they wore. They were both my sons. It's definitely them in the photos. It can't be anyone but them."

"Mrs. Frederickson," he'd started, but his first sentence died on his lips. "I have no reason to doubt you," he lied, "but why do you think this is something I can help you with?"

Meredith inhaled. "No one else will take this job. I tried five different companies. They refused because of the infamy of the Marble Hornets videos. And the note in the package…"

She looked down, bit her lip, just like Jay did ten years before.

"It said you were the only one that could help."

Tim blinked the memories away. He glanced at the book in his hands, and tossed it aside. Reading wasn't happening tonight. Sleeping wasn't happening tonight. What was going to happen tonight?

Outside the van, the trees shifted in the hot Louisiana wind. Cars cruised the highway. Lights blocked out the stars.

I would know him anywhere, she'd said. But if it wasn't Jay, he'd be dragging a complete stranger into a hell that most people couldn't imagine. Even if he kept It away, It would have plenty of time to ruin this man's life before he could save him.

Just like he couldn't save the actual Jay.

I can’t do this, he thought.

I have to do this, he thought.

He yanked his phone from his pocket and unlocked it. Meredith’s number was already saved, and it wasn’t too late. Two rings, and she picked up.

“Mrs. Fredrickson?” His tone didn’t give away the way his thoughts raced through his head. “Thank you for your patience. I’ve decided to take your case. No,” he cut her off. “No, you don’t need to pay me in advance-” He jerked. “That’s - that’s far more than my rates - I really don’t need that much - yes I will absolutely let you know once I’ve established a base in the area - Breathe, Mrs. Fredrickson-”

The conversation ended with joyful tears from Meredith, Tim being only too grateful to hang up. He stared at his phone until the screen went black again, heart hurting. What a liar he was. He wasn’t going to find Jay. He was doing this to find Alex.

Once he was in Alabama, it would be easy to confirm the identity of the doppelganger in the photos, without actually speaking to him. Assuming the Operator didn’t sense Tim’s interest and attempt to infect him just to be an asshole. But Alex? That was definitely him. The age, the wear and tear on his body, the stupid fucking glasses - Tim would know him anywhere.

Jay was dead. Alex wasn’t. And it was Alex’s fucking fault Jay was dead, it was Alex that pulled the trigger and Alex that taunted him for not being able to save him. It was Alex who Tim saw in his nightmares even now, shooting Jay, over and over. The more he thought about it, the more his blood burned. How could Alex live knowing what he’d done? What right did Alex have to live when Jay didn’t?

Meredith had forgiven Alex. Tim wasn’t ready to.

Tim took a deep breath, calming his fury. He’d deal with that when the time came. Right now, he had to drive. He had a long way to go back to Alabama.

… He hadn’t really thought about that. That doing this meant going back to Alabama. Of course he knew what it meant to take this case. He had to go back to Alabama to do it. But once he left Alabama, he swore he’d never go back, no matter what happened. Even if the world ended, he’d never return. It was there, Rosswood was there, the memories that stood intact, buried forever in the walls of the buildings they’d visited, were there.

The Operator was stronger in Alabama than anywhere else in the world, far as Tim could tell. It seemed centered in Rosswood. Within that state, It could seemingly do anything. Would his gift, his ability to repel it, work within the state borders? What if he couldn’t protect anyone there - including himself?

He could be walking into a trap.

But Jay…

Leaning back on the cushion behind him, Tim closed his eyes.

“My love had limits,” Meredith said.

“What do you mean?” Tim had asked.

Meredith took a breath, and her eyes, so much like Jay’s, met Tim’s.

“Jay was - is gay,” she said. “We knew it at the time, but we didn’t want to believe it. We were wealthy people, we thought we were Christians, we had standards… We thought he was going through a college phase, the kind a lot of young adults go through when they’re free from their parents. But looking back…” She shook her head. “I was wrong. What I did, what I believed, it was wrong. I want to apologize to him for it, if I can. If he’ll let me.”

Jay is gay. The words hit hard as a punch to the chest. Pieces of the past he hadn’t known were out of place lined up. Little things Jay did, little looks, little words, little winces and cringes and pained expressions at the things people said or did. Things he hadn’t even thought of made sense in a way that could’ve knocked him over. How Tim kept his cool after that, he couldn’t remember. How he kept from crying, he didn’t know.

Jay is… was gay. Of course he kept that a secret from everyone, they lived in fucking Alabama. Things had improved in the past ten years, but back then, to be openly gay was to have a target on your back, for ridicule if not violence. Their college campus didn’t even allow a LGBT club, or a gay-straight alliance. It just wasn’t done. If Jay had been alive now, he would’ve thrived the way he was always supposed to.

Jay. Alive. Happy. Living in another state. Dating another man, someone other than Tim.

Had Jay felt the way for Tim, the way Tim felt for his ghost? The memories of a man he lost too soon burned strong through his life, in a way Tim for years felt he shouldn’t. Homophobia nothing, he hadn’t known Jay for very long. Was it right to feel that way for him? Did he really love Jay, or did he love the man he put together from his memories and pain? He didn’t have any answers. He tried to keep up with cases so he didn’t think about it but it looked like he wasn’t going to have a choice anymore.

Something chattered in the back of his mind, an anxious, angry, wordless voice. Tim took a deep breath, then another. He wasn’t going to think about this. This was going back in the box until he could process it. There was a long way to go from here, and the road wouldn’t be as smooth as the pavement he normally drove on.

Buckle up, he told himself as he stood and moved for the driver’s seat. This is only going to get harder from here.

---

And in the wooden seat he swayed, swayed from side to side, the tumbling words dying from his lips. The man groaned, his eyes closed behind the blindfold. He was alone in this room, no windows, one door, a chair, a table, a laptop, a microphone, himself.

He swayed, he swayed, and in the electronic silence the little tings of the assembled viewers in their little box rang out sweet as bells. It meant nothing to him, what they said, what they did, what they believed. It was enough to serve.

The man let out a moan, his voice hoarse, his lips dry and cracked. The strings were cut, the God had pulled away. Now he was alone, alone in this room with the wooden walls and floor, his breathing echoing, the light above buzzing and flickering. Where are you God? Why did you leave me? Have I done something wrong? Have I displeased you?

And like a light pouring from an open door in his mind--

Euphoria. A joy unlike anything he’d ever tasted, an endless rush of wind that swept him from his thoughts. Joy, relief, pride, and the sweet undercurrent of plans that stretched millennia and into realms that his human mind would never understand. It was God, speaking to him, letting him feel Its emotions, letting him taste the infinity of Its existence. In this moment, he could feel Heaven wrapping warm tendrils around his robed body, carrying his soul free, just for this moment.

No rapture would ever be this wonderful.

Blood poured from his closed eyes, his nose and ears, dripping onto his folded hands, onto the folding table. But there was no pain. There was only joy. His God felt joy.

He let the words fall from his lips, even though he did not understand.

“He’s coming.”

And a darkness swept over him, the joy lulling him into the night. The Neophyte fell from his chair onto the cold floor, unconscious and unaware of the shockwaves now shooting through his audience.

#marble hornets #marble hornets fanfiction #mh antivirus au #mh fanfiction #mh tim wright #mh tim #marble hornets tim

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no-gays-in-russia · 3 years

Text

Someone Has To Die: Review

TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of suicide, murder, homophobia.

SPOILER ALERT: major spoilers for all three episodes of Someone Has To Die.

Introduction: Someone Has To Die (”Alguien Tiene Que Morir”) is a Spanish/Mexican miniseries of three 50 minutes long episodes set in the 50s which follows the story of Gabino, a young man who has just come back to Spain after living in Mexico with his mother’s family for 10 years. With him he brings his friend Lazaro, a Mexican ballet dancer. Soon, rumours start spreading that Lazaro and Gabino are in a relationship, fueled by Lazaro’s profession (everyone believes that a male ballet dancer must necessarily be gay) and by the intimacy between the two of them. However, Lazaro is straight and actually attracted to Gabino’s mom, Mina (spoiler: it’s mutual), while Gabino is in fact gay and has feelings of romantic nature towards Lazaro, despite them not being reciprocated. Although they are fake, those rumours keep growing, with the help of Cayetana, the girl that Gabino is supposed to marry and sister of Alonso. Alonso is an old friend of Gabino and it’s made clear throughout the show that before the latter left for Mexico something of homoerotic nature happened between the two of them, although it is never specified exactly what; long story short, Gabino is the only one to know that Alonso is also gay and let me tell you, homeboy has a shit ton of internalised homophobia. When the rumours reach their maximum height, Mina tries to help Lazaro and Gabino run away to Paris, but Gabino’s father, who works at a prison, finds out and, advised by his mother, gets Gabino arrested, while Lazaro is able to escape. Mina and Lazaro are then found having sex in the woods and that’s when chaos ensues- Gabino’s father wants to kill Mina and Lazaro, he tells Gabino to do so, Gabino refuses and points his shotgun at his father, his father points his gun at Gabino, then Alonso kills Gabino’s father, Gabino’s grandma kills Alonso and then Lazaro and finally Gabino kills his grandma. And that’s how the show ends. Another important element of the plot is that, while everyone believes Gabino’s grandpa died in a hunting accident, he was actually murdered by Gabino’s grandma, and young Gabino witnessed it (this is a big part of the reason why he was sent to Mexico shortly after); there’s also a subplot involving the family’s maid, quite significant because it leads to Gabino’s dad finding out the truth about his father’s death, but I don’t want to go into too much detail so I’ll stop here.

General opinion: after watching the masterpiece that is Young Royals (I will make a post on it soon), this struck me as a pretty average show; not bad, but not exceptional either (there are some great elements, but they are an exception). The acting is realistic but stiff, the characters are mostly unidimensional and sometimes unlikeable when they shouldn’t be, and the ending sort of leaves you thinking: what’s the point? The show as a whole is not meaningless at all (quite thoughtful and sensible at times, actually), but that’s what the ending feels like- everybody’s dead, now what? What does that mean? How was that significant to the plot? I liked Alonso killing Gabino’s father, because it shows that after all he cared for Gabino and was willing to help him, and I also liked Gabino killing his grandma, showing his strength and proving everyone who described him as fragile wrong, but I feel like Alonso and/or Lazaro should have been kept alive.

The characters: now, the characters are the most important thing in a tv show for me; if everything’s good but I hate the characters I cannot keep watching it, if everything’s horrible but I hate the characters I will keep watching it. The fact that I got through the entire show proves that they are not terrible, but I didn’t love them either. I will now analyse all of the main characters one by one, starting from Gabino. About Gabino, I noticed a discrepancy between the way he is described by other characters and the way he appears through his own actions and words. The adjectives that are most used to describe Gabino in the show are “dreamer” and “fragile”. Now, I’m not saying Gabino is not a dreamer, but since the other characters stress this aspect so much I would have expected his behaviour and words to demonstrate that much more than they actually did. And speaking of fragile, to me Gabino seemed the absolute opposite- I actually perceived him as an incredibly strong character. Throughout the entirety of the show he went through Hell so many times (got rejected by the man he loves, got beat up by Alonso, got put into jail by his own father, witnessed half of his family and closest friends dying in front of him) and he never gave up. He always responded with strength, murdering his grandma, not committing suicide when Alonso advised him to. However, this discrepancy might be caused by the fact that it had been 10 years since any of the other characters had last seen Gabino (although if I’m not mistaken Lazaro too describes him as a dreamer), so they might describe what they remember him as without realizing how much he’s changed throughout the years. But I still felt like in his case the show did too much telling and not enough showing. But now, let’s move onto the other character involved in the rumours: Lazaro. With Lazaro, I have a different issue: I felt as though he was supposed to be a likeable character, but I ended up really disliking him. At first we see him as a bit naive, a very good friend to Gabino, extremely passionate about dancing, a dreamer more so than Gabino (he repeatedly voices his fantasies about visiting Paris and getting to dance at the Opèra); but in the end, he proves himself as being selfish and unfaithful, as he literally has sex with Mina while Gabino is in prison. Your best friend has just been arrested and your first thought is to fuck his mom? And let’s not forget that Lazaro knew that Gabino loved him, so he knew this would hurt him even more. And when Cayetana pretends to offer to him to leave for Paris with her, he agrees- again, proving how little he cares about Gabino being in prison. He has some very good moments as well, including one of my two favourite scenes in the show, but my overall opinion on him is not positive. Now let’s talk about the three characters that we were actually supposed to perceive as negative: Cayetana, Gabino’s grandma Ampara and Gabino’s dad Gregorio. Cayetana’s sole personality trait is that of being evil- there doesn’t even seem to be a motivation behind her actions, she just does it because she is an a-hole. That’s pretty much the same with Ampara, with the small exception that she justifies her actions by saying it’s all for her family (hard to say whether she actually believes her own words or not). But in the end, both characters fail at being fascinating, meaningful villains: they’re plain and unidimensional. The case is a bit different for Gregorio: he’s overall a despicable character, but further traits are added so that he is not just a plain villain- he is a bad person, and that makes a big difference. In particular, I love that they make him a conflicted character, portraying the contrast between the pain he causes Gabino and the pain he himself feels realising how much he’s hurting his son. However, in my opinion, the best, most interesting and most lovable characters in the show are Alonso and Mina. Alonso may be interpreted as a negative character himself, but he sort of redeems himself towards the end. He does some very good things (killing Gregorio to protect Gabino, Mina and Lazaro), some very bad things (kidnapping Gabino and Lazaro, hurting Lazaro’s leg, beating Gabino almost to death) and some things that weren’t exactly good but which he did with good intentions (repeatedly advising Gabino to leave Spain forever, bringing him a gun while he’s in prison and advising him to kill himself). I think the only mistake they did was making him hurt Gabino and Lazaro in such a way, because they wanted him to be a redeemable and likeable character but honestly that was almost unforgivable. But at the same time I can see that Alonso’s violence on Gabino was the result of him taking his feelings towards Gabino (probably some feelings of romantic nature and jealousy towards his supposed relationship with Lazaro) and transforming them into something that he felt to be more acceptable and more manageable, and on top of that it was the manifestation of his disgust, fear, anger, frustration for his own homosexuality. All in all, Alonso is a very complex and conflicted character, sometimes submissive and others extremely corageous, good and bad, selfless and selfish. But if perfection was almost reached with Alonso, we move even closer to the perfect character with Mina- I want to slap her and hug her at the same time, and that’s what I love. Even more than Alonso, she is an incredibly complex character. I think she’s the main character more so than Gabino- so many interesting clues about her personality and her personal history are continously thrown around and you just want to know more and more about her. From her clearly feeling inadequate and different because she’s Mexican and leaving in Spain to her love story with Lazaro (who is Mexican like her- something to note), to the contrast between her desire to help others and her fragility which often makes it impossible, Mina is a well explored, multi-dimentional, lovable and despicable character.

My favourite scenes: finally, I want to discuss two scenes that I thought to be absolutely brilliant (if the entire show had been like those two scenes I would have considered it a masterpiece). The first takes place when Gabino and Lazaro are back home after Alonso’s attack; Lazaro is mending Gabino’s wounds, when the latter stops him and tells him he’s sorry for getting him involved. Lazaro replies he’s not done anything wrong, but Gabino states: <<I love you, and that’s the problem.>> Lazaro says: <<I love you too.>> and Gabino: <<But not in the same way.>> And that’s when Lazaro says the most beautiful line in the show: <<But I love you still, and that could never be wrong.>> That line equates platonic and romantic love, stating that despite them being two different kinds of love they are still exactly the same thing: love. So just like no one would ever say Lazaro is wrong for loving Gabino platonically, at the same time Lazaro states that no one could ever say Gabino is wrong for loving him romantically, because that’s exactly the same thing: love. And love is never wrong. The second scene takes place after Mina and Lazaro have been found together in the woods close to the club and Gregorio gets Gabino out of prison to take him there with him. Gabino is alone in his father’s car, Alonso sees him and goes to sit in the car with him. Alonso tells Gabino about how terrible he feels having to lie every day about who he really is, and then asks him to describe what it is like having sex with a man. Gabino tries to resist, but after Alonso begs him he gives in and recounts the first time he had sex with a man. Alonso is profoundly moved by his story and visibly tries to contain his emotions, but he fails, as tears start streaming down his face; then, once Gabino is done talking, he grabs the gun he’d given him in prison and tries to shoot himself. Gabino is able to stop him and Alonso breaks down crying, hugging Gabino while the latter promises him that they’re always going to be there for one another. Such a touching moment.

#gay #tvshow #netflix #review #i love gay shit #give me the gay shit

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thevagueambition · 4 years

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Atla, Zukka and Sokka :)

ATLA

Favorite character: Zuko, 100%. He’s a character I relate to a lot, eg the whole “hard work vs natural talent” thing... I even have a costume, although I didn’t get a chance to use it when I meant to so I haven’t really done so yet OTL

Least Favorite character: Hmm, god, I don’t know.... Bumi, maybe? As a comedic character he feels a bit too “haha crazy” and he doesn’t really (imo) work well as a dramatic one...

5 Favorite ships (canon or non-canon):

Zukka

Hakoda/Bato

Roku/Sozin

Tyzula

Jetko

Character I find most attractive: Zuko. Particularly s3 ofc lol

putting the rest under a cut for length

Character I would marry: idk. not big on marriage really

Character I would be best friends with: Sokka

a random thought: The true hero of ATLA is Iroh and I feel ashamed of not having mentioned his name yet in this

An unpopular opinion: The age difference between Kataang is 2 years which is the exact same age difference between Zutara and neither are particularly weird regardless of the fact that I don’t care about either ship

My Canon OTP: Don’t have one. Sokka/Suki is cute I guess is the closest I come to having strong feelings on a canon ship

My Non-canon OTP: Zukka

Most Badass Character: Toph but also low key Sokka bc he’s a non-bender

Most Epic Villain: That old blood bending woman who gave us all nightmares

Pairing I am not a fan of: Zutara, but that’as as much about fandom behavior back in the day as anything else

Character I feel the writers screwed up (in one way or another): Korra, all of LoK

They gave Toph too little to do in s3 and she SHOULD have had her Zuko outing like all the others >:( Actually Zuko and Toph have a lot in common in certain ways and that was never fully explored

Also obviously SOOOO many characters in this series who were written as straight when they shouldn’t be lol. We get it, it was a kid’s cartoon in the 00s, but they didn’t have to agressively pair off everyone in neat m/f couples by the end of the series

Favourite Friendship: Aang & Zuko

Character I most identify with: Zuko, as mentioned above. He’s also the same MBTI type as me haha (INFP). Also, Sokka mix of being simoultaneously really clever and extremely stupid is a gigantic mood.

Character I wish I could be: Idk... Iroh, in some ways, certainly. Honestly, by the end of the series all the main kids are pretty admirable people. Who wouldn’t want Aang’s kindness, Katara’s righteousness, Zuko’s determination, Sokka’s cleverness, Toph’s independence, Suki’s leadership, etc? Hell, Mai’s bravery and Ty Lee’s loyalty? I love all the main kids.

Zukka

When I started shipping them: Only a year or two ago, actually! I think last time I rewatched The Boiling Rock I was like 👀

Originally when I was an ATLA fan I was still in the “we must adheer to canon” phase of my existence in fandom and then for a good while I was still affected by my... hesitance to look like a, idk, stereotypical slash fan, in the sense that back in the day people were REALLY hostile to slash ships that seemed, idk, contrived. Zukka also just wasn’t a big ship back in the day I don’t think, Jetko has always been more popular.

My thoughts: The cammaraderie that developes between them over their stay at The Boiling Rock is incredibly compelling to me and I think that... the ways in which Sokka holds Zuko accountable through “jokes” but still allows him the space to prove himself is really interesting and probably... something that is actually better for Zuko than either Katara’s rage or Aang’s kindness? Idk.

Also they both have pretty complicated relationships to masculinity and what it means to be a man in their respective cultures and their sort of struggles with that and how those struggles look different due to circumstances like their parental situations and different cultural expectations... Zuko’s is less directly about masculinity per se because the Fire Nation has less strict gender roles, or at least ones that don’t code certain activities as purely masculine endeavours (eg warfare) but certainly there are shades of Ozai’s treatment of Zuko and Azula that are gendered as well as about birth order and it’s interesting how Zuko and Sokka both impose restrictions on themselves about how they should behave and what they should live up to culturally.

What makes me happy about them: I think they complement each other really well. They have a lot in common but are pretty different about their approach to things... I also just really like battle couples lol

What makes me sad about them: Their respective trauma is part of what makes them compelling but it’s certainly also sad, so in that sense...

Things done in fanfic that annoys me: So much of it is modern AU and i don’t care for it lol. Completely ignoring any sense that the Avatar world must have some elements of homophobia bothers me to exist in the ways it does, but as does completely overplaying it, idk. It’s a balance not everyone strikes well. Also obviously when people demonise Suki or Mai to account for them not being in the picture that’s bad.

Things I look for in fanfic: Honestly, more than anything? Good characterisation. This is a ship that lives and dies by good characterisation. I also really like when they’re set during the time at the Western Air Temple.

My wishlist:

Swordfighting duels!! Practicing swordfighting together!! Bonding over swords like the dumb teenage boys they are!! Yes I know about the innuendo that only makes it better!!

Hakoda not just being cool with it but realising about Zuko’s abuse and being like Actually I Am Your Dad Now

I always want fic where the gaang find out about how Zuko got his scar and that with Zukka is even more *chef’s kiss*

Who I’d be comfortable them ending up with, if not each other: Hmm ending up with, huh? I like Jetko for the drama but not necessarily as endgame. Sukka is pretty cute so I’m down for that but Maiko is.... look, it made sense for the time that Zuko was back in the Fire Nation because but I 100% don’t think it’s something either of them benefits from afterwards. They’re better off as friends imo also Zuko’s gay

My happily ever after for them: I want them to travel the world together tbh? I never quite know how to account for Zuko becoming Fire Lord in my thoughts about him post-canon because... well obviously I hate monarchy and I don’t actually think Zuko would be particularly comfortable being the leader of a nation, so... I don’t know. Maybe after some years, maybe a decade, of guiding the nation back towards stability Zuko starts reforming the country towards something more democratic and becomes less personally involved in the affairs of running the country? I don’t see them as people who would or really could be tied down by each other because they each have responsibilities to their respective communities and I don’t necessarily find “and then they lived in the Fire Nation palace together for the rest of their lives” compelling...

Sokka

How I feel about this character: I love him so much. His character developement is so compelling and as one of the very few prominent non-bending characters he is also compelling in the ways that situate him within the world and forces him to look for other things to contribute with. Again, the ways in which he is undeniably very clever but simoultaneously kind of dumb is also just... Very Good and Relatable lol. He was someone I overlooked a bit for a while but I think Sokka’s Master really awakened me to how great he is and on rewatches he became one of my faves. Also, you just gotta love any character that uses sarcasm as a shield lol.

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character: Zuko, primarily, as discussed above. I’m fine with both Yue and Suki as canon ships but I’m not really invested in it. When I was younger I liked Sokka/Toph somewhat but actually Toph is a lesbian so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ You could always do Suki/Toph, kill two birds with one stone you know

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character: Gotta love a good father-son relationship <3

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don’t know what the popular opinions about him are tbh. I’ll use this to say I think ADHD!Sokka makes sense though

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon: Hmm, idk... the episodes he had that were focused on him were very good and did a good job of exploring his inner life in the face of how often he’s a comedic character, so it would have to be more in terms of his relationships with other characters. More interactions with Zuko would have been good ofc ! :3c

Favorite friendship for this character: Hm, probably Aang. Protective Older Brother Mode for a character that isn’t even technically his sibling is Very Good.

My crossover ship: I don’t really have crossover ships

#ask #atla #thanks for asking! <3 #rainhalydia

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radfembee · 7 years

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riley j dennis - are genital preferences transphobic? transcript:

trigger warnings: cissexism, genitals(A Lot), conversion therapy, rape, religion,

Recently, on the internet, there´s been a lot of discussion around genital preferences and transphobia. In this video, I´m going to use the word ¨cissexism¨ instead of transphobia, but they´re really similar words. At its most basic, cissexism means prejudice or discrimination against transgender people.

So, what´s been happening is that some people are making the argument that it´s not cissexist at all to only be attracted to people with one kind of genitals. For example, these people might argue that being attracted to only women with vaginas in no way negatively effects trans people. On the other hand, I would argue that it´s more complicated than that. We all have our implicit biases built into our preferences, and gender isn´t as simple as the genitals you have. But, after I say that, I usually get a lot of blatantly cissexist responses. So I thought I´d address all of those responses at once.

Number one: ¨You´re being homophobic!¨ In this argument, I often get accused of homophobia, lesbophobia or lesbian erasure by lesbians who believe that I´m trying to change their sexual orientation or identity. They say that my language sounds a lot like a dude who tried to turn them straight, or like conversion therapy. Those responses are rooted in cissexism.

This is because I´m not telling lesbians that they can´t be lesbians. If you´re a woman who only likes women, go ahead, identify as a lesbian! But some women have penises. And if the fact that some lesbians might be attracted to those women offends you, it´s because you don´t think trans women are real women. That´s because these accusations of homophobia can sound like I´m trying to convince lesbians to like men, but I´m not. I´m trying to show that preferences for women with vaginas over women with penises might be partially informed by the influence of cissexist society.

You do not have to like men. You do not have to date men, or have sex with men. And if you think that´s what I´m arguing, you´re simultaneously strawmanning my argument, and implying that trans women are men.

Number two: ¨You´re upholding rape culture!¨ This is probably the worst response I´ve heard, and probably the most cissexist one. That´s because trans women have a long history of being accused of being rapists by cis women. It´s the logic behind bathroom bills that prevent trans women from using the right bathroom. It´s why some cis women are terrified of the idea of sharing a locker room with a trans woman. This is a very common tactic used by anti-trans folks to discredit trans women as just ¨men trying to invade women´s spaces so they can rape them.¨ Even if this is not your intention when bringing this up, this is what you are implying and it is where this argument comes from.

Suggesting that trans women are rapists for wanting to be fully recognized as women is extremely harmful. And I should note that I´m not saying you have to do anything without consent. I´m a big fan of affirmative consent and you should never feel pressured to have sex with somebody. This isn´t about an individual. This is not saying: ¨You have to have sex with a trans woman, or you´re cissexist.¨ It´s saying that you should examine the societal influences on your preferences. There´s a massive difference between honing in on individual scenario and considering wider societal issues and attitudes.

Number three: “I’m allowed to have a preference!” Technically, you’re right. You’re allowed to have your preferences and you don’t have to change anything. But there’s more to it than that. Ignoring the deeper issues by stopping at a surface level analysis doesn’t do this issue any justice. Like, you’re allowed to have a lot of things, you’re allowed to have prejudice towards trans people, but that doesn’t mean you should.

So if you look a little deeper into this issue, there’s the possibility of your genital preferences being at least somewhat partially informed by growing up in a cissexist society. Also, the fact that a preference is different from saying you would never do something. Like, having a preference for tall girls is fine. But refusing to date anyone under 5′7 is ridiculous. Obviously, that’s not a perfect analogy, because short girls as a group don’t face the societal marginalization that trans women do. But, I’m interested in having a conversation about labels, implicit labels, and trans-inclusive language.

Simply saying “it’s my preference! End of discussion!” is a good way of sidelining all of those issues and instead, centering the feelings of cis people in a discussion about trans people.

Number four: “I have a trans friend who says this is okay!” People love their tokens. I’ve done an entire video on moral licencing and why this is a terrible defense, but, in summary, you’ll always be able to find trans people to back up your cissexist views. You’ll always be able to find gay people who spout anti-gay rhetoric and you’ll even find people of color who openly advocate racist policies. That doesn’t make you right.

Having a trans friend doesn’t mean you’re suddenly an expert on trans issues. People often internalize negative ideas about their own identities and regurgitate them with passion. I’ve met gay men that told me that their homosexuality was a sin, and their punishment was to be celibate their entire lives, and even still, they’d probably go to Hell. Obviously, that would be anti-gay for any straight person to say. And it’s also not okay for gay people to advocate that. In the same way, if a trans person is saying cissexist garbage, it’s still cissexist garbage.

There are cis people who are on my side as well, so if you think it’s okay to point to your token trans friend, then I can just point to my token cis friend.

Number five: “I’m triggered by penises by past sexual trauma.” [author’s note: i fucking swear to god if they attempt to shut this down i will flip shit.] That’s completely understandable. I’ve never said that someone should have to have sex with someone with a penis if they don’t want to. If intimacy with someone who has a penis is triggering for you, I would never suggest that you have to do it. Take your time to heal and work through your trauma at your own pace. Just be aware that the majority of people making the “I could never date someone with a penis” argument are not doing so because of trauma or triggers.

So that is all of the typical responses that I could think of. The first two responses in particular come from TERF/radfem[me, a trans radfem] and gender-critical ideologies, which are all proudly anti-trans. Even if you don’t consider yourself a part of those movements, you’re siding with them when you use their arguments. Their entire platform is cissexist, and their arguments reflect that. Even if you say you believe trans women are women, it doesn’t do a whole lot of good if you’re completely siding with folks who don’t believe trans women are women.

And the last thing I want to say is that if you’d rather not have sex with a woman who has a penis, maybe just don’t make such a huge deal of it. Trans women are often afraid of not being found attractive or desirable after coming out. And you’re not helping.

If you really want to be an ally to trans people, you can just not talk about it. And by that, I’m not trying to censor you, okay, so don’t pretend that this is censorship. You have the freedom to say whatever you want, I’m just asking you to consider if it’s necessary to say those things when they reflect harmful or violent rhetoric. Because if you have an opinion that you know is only going to make people feel bad about themselves, why constantly share it with the world?

It’s fine to not find people attractive, but it’s mean to constantly yell about how unattractive you find those people, especially when those people are oppressed. For another imperfect analogy, it’d be like if you weren’t attracted to girls with short hair. That would be fine, but you probably wouldn’t write articles and make videos defending why it’s okay for you to not like girls with short hair. You could do that, but sometimes it’s best to just be polite.

And that is everything I have to say on that topic, this video is a part of my feminism with Riley that I’m doing in collaboration with Everyday Feminism, a website dedicated to helping you stand up to and break down everyday oppression.

Thanks for watching, and I’ll see you next time.

#tag urself i'm cissexist garbage #text #mine #riley dennis #sorry this is so late!

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sherlockmyonlychemicaldefec-blog · 7 years

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Everything I have to say about Sherlock at this point (including some unpopular opinions)

Hello to anyone reading this post who I assume is or was at some point a fan of BBC Sherlock, I hope each one of you is having a good time despite everything that may be going wrong in your life right now. Things always get better, I promise  So, I’ve been thinking about writing this post for a while now and I feel like now is the best time to do so. You see, about a month ago I watched this TedTalk that really affected how I think( why do you think you’re right even when you’re wrong). I really suggest you watch the video, but to summarize it, it was about how we need to think and act like a scout and not a soldier. A Soldier’s main concern is to attack or defend herself, her heart starts pounding, her hormone levels are elevated and basically she cares about defeating the opponent more than anything else. Scouts on the other hand mainly focus on seeing exactly what is there, there is no bias, there is no attacking, it is simply observing in the best way possible. This is exactly what all of us must do in order to have a healthy conversation and unfortunately it is hard thing to do I admit. However hard we try, we can never be 100% unbiased and I find that very natural. Still, I try my best to stay unprejudiced and as challenging as this feat is, it is worth it. Everything I am about to say in the following paragraphs I have tried to analyze based on everything I’ve been observing in this fandom and even though I do not claim at all that all of these are completely unbiased, I have to say I tried my best. ( it would still be very faulty because who am I kidding, we’re all human beings and we are biased) Before I start I need to give a background of myself. Because I have not seen anyone in this fandom with a background similar to mine. I’m almost 21. I come from a country where being gay is considered both a sin and a crime. If they find out you are gay or catch you in the act, you will be hanged. Dreadful huh? People here are generally very very homophobic, if you live in America, just multiple the level of homophobia there by 1000X and maybe, maaaaaybe you’ll get a little close to the rate here. I do not mean to scare the hell out of you, I’m just trying my best to paint a good picture. I consider myself an asexual even though I’m not sure because I do not feel like I physically hate sex when I’m having it, I just mentally find the idea of sex disturbing. I cannot even tolerate making out or kissing scenes, the sound does the same thing to my ears that scratching the ground with your nails. Sex in general is one of the most disgusting things I believe exists in this world and I just wish that there was some cuter way of making babies. I don’t think I’m gay because I like boys but I’m not sure if I’m straight either. I’ve been following everything’s that’s been happening in the Sherlock fandom ever since season 4 started. I’m not a very old fan of Sherlock, I started watching the show less than a year ago and I have to admit, I was obsessed with it instantly. I did not get into this fandom until after finishing season three and because I was at first a hardcore AdLock shipper (still kinda am) and also a Molly-lover (still am) and currently am in Love with Johnlock I think I can pretty much relate to lots of people here. Before explaining myself, just let me say this. I Abhor and despise The Final Problem from the bottom of both my heart and brain. I just hate it. Now before I get judged for spreading hate, I should say that this is not spreading hate. There is a spectrum of evaluation for anything. If someone has the right to say something was perfect and she loved it. I have the right to say it was terrible and I hate it. I do not hate any Person, just their creation, or better to say, what they have done to their creation. You see, I think there are three main attitudes people can have towards BBC Sherlock ( Relating to JohnLock) 1- John and Sherlock’s relationship is very important in the series but it is just a deep platonic bond. 2- John and Sherlock’s relationship is important in the series and it is romantic. 3- John and Sherlock’s relationship is not that important and it is all about the cases and the adventures. Honestly, and this is my personal opinion, I think the final problem cannot satisfy any of these attitudes. There was no romance there, the platonic bond was gone and was there even a case? I do not mind at all Sherlock and john getting together romantically, but I would have been completely satisfied and happy with them just being very good friends like they were at the end of episode one for example. But even that friendship was gone. Would you just stand there doing nothing when your best friend is putting a gun on himself with a countdown to shoot? Now I have seen some people saying that John had just become numb but this episode was supposed to be a finale, characters needed to come to complete their transformation, so John’s transformation was to become completely numb and indifferent toward his best friend killing himself? To me, it does not make any sense. I did not see the episode when it was leaked but I saw many people being upset by it and when I finally watched it this was my very first reaction : ( bursting into laughter) can’t you see what’s happening guys??!? They made this episode so explicitly ridiculous that they did not even think anyone would doubt its fakeness!! “ I’m not even exaggerating, this was my first reaction, to me, from the very first scene, the episode felt like a parody, a very cheesy play I kept waiting for the scene to change into the real one and it just did not., and for weeks I did not even want to explain to people why I thought it was fake because it was just so obvious to me. I did not even need metas or theories, for me the umbrella-sword-gun was enough proof for the triteness and stupidity of the episode. I mean, I couldn’t just understand how people can ignore the cheesiness of this scene: a show like Sherlock cannot pull of such cartoonish scenes, it just does not fit, can you understand what I’m saying? Such scenes do not belong to the Sherlock universe. What my thoughts are on TJLC: I’m a person who hates sex and believe me when I say this, John and Sherlock are the only couple that I will not mind at all having sex and you know why? There are just toooo many stupid shallow romantic movies of guys and girls who look into each other’s eye and jump into bed together the next day that I’m just craving for deep bond and true loves stories. John and Sherlock have killed for each other, sacrificed everything for each other, changed because of each other, grew in character because of each other, I just feel like I’m ready for them to do whatever they wanna do. It just feels right. I see nothing wrong with it. What is love if it is not what’s between Sherlock and John? This is the love I want. True love. Now, I think some of theories and opinions in TJLC are pretty far-fetched or at least could be interpreted in so many other ways too. For instance, the scene with Janine and Sherlock kissing and john freaking out and insisting to know what has happened: TJLC claims it’s because John is jealous but to me, it’s more like he is very curious and confused because honestly if you have a friend who considers any type of romantic relationship stupid and pointless how will you react if you see her/him kissing someone? He could be jealous but other interpretations are also valid. This is of course just an example, there are some other points I do not agree with. And then there’s this opinion that we should try to encourage men having deep relationships without having to make it sexual which I also strongly agree with. Now all of these aside, I personally believe it does not matter who you ship Sherlock with or which of those three attitudes you have toward the show, The Final Problem does not make sense. I am not exactly a pro-TJLC and then I am not completely against it. I love Irene, I love Molly and I love the cases. The point I’m trying to make by saying all of these is that I have been trying hard to make sense of the finale and I just can’t, even though I do not restrict myself to just one part of this fandom(Even though I find TJLC more fascinating )and believe me, when I love a show, I do anything to defend its perfection and yet I have not been able to defend TFP. I’m ashamed of it. And still, still, still I can’t accept it was real. Something must’ve happened, because if they had a problem with Sherlock getting together with John or anyone else, still they could’ve done it much better. I’m a person who would not have been bothered by them not becoming romantically involved and still TFP was like a nightmare to me. I just do not get how some people like it. Don’t get me wrong, everyone’s free to like what they want, it’s just that I don’t see how it is possible. Because to me, it was just soooooo corny, unrealistic and pointless. Bringing up a character and making the whole show about her, claiming everything the protagonist is now is because of her, this is just a very cheap trick and I can’t believe how such good writers would do this. What’s my y most important point? You do not have to be hardcore JohnLock shipper to be disappointed with the episode. TFP sucked in all kinds of way and as much as I love to like it I just can’t. Now my fellow scouts, if you disagree with any of my points or want to have a healthy conversation my ask is always open. My fellow TJLCers: I do not think you are wrong about TFP at all❤️ and this comes from someone who does not completely agree with all of your opinions :) you are amazing people and I love your work. I hope there is some sort of explanantion for all this because it is bugging my mind more than my heart. Again, I'm here if everyone feels like discussing things

#Sherlock #TFP #the final problem #TJLC #TFHC #Sherlock BBC #Johnlock #tjlc

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patheticphallacy · 5 years

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IT’S MAY Y’ALL. Even though I’ll still be doing blog posts in May, it’s not going to be as hectic, as I finally finished my second year of university and have decided to take it easy after a very packed April.

I’m also doing things a little different with my wrap up this month by getting rid of star ratings. I watched a video on it, and I just feel like I’d rather people go by my actual comments on the books than look at the rating and decide that covers all my thoughts. I still have star ratings on Goodreads for my own personal use, but I’m doing my best to start writing proper summaries of my thoughts from now on!

READING WRAP UP

Tropic of Serpents by Marie Brennan– a solid follow up to the first book, although there’s a startling lack of dragons in a series about a dragon naturalist! Definitely go into this one expecting a lot more politics than book 1, and Isabella starting a lot of Drama.

The Elementals by Michael McDowell– such an amazing horror novel! McDowell is so underrated for a writer who wrote predominantly in the seventies and eighties, and it’s so tragic how young he died.

Princess Jellyfish Volume 1 by Akiko Higashimura– such a disappointing read. It’s really problematic, to the point where it drastically impacted my enjoyment of the plot, especially when I’ve got so many other more recent manga I could be enjoying more than this.

Fullmetal Alchemist Volume 8 by Hiromu Arakawa– speaking of next tier manga… holy shit. I am so scared of volume 9 and finishing this series, it’s meant so much to me and it’s really helped me immerse myself fully in reading manga.

Lumberjanes Volume 9 by Shannon Watters– Barney is a precious precious bean and I love them! This is a roller derby volume, and it was pretty great: I’ve been a fan of roller derby since I first watched Whip It, and this volume was super entertaining!

Lumberjanes Volume 10 by Shannon Watters– wholesome volume where the parents come to visit their kids. I do feel really sad for Molly, but it was nice seeing everyone else’s parents!

Lumberjanes: A Midsummer Night’s Scheme by Nicole Andelfinger– this was a fun bonus one shot comic. However, it does get very cheesy and it’s whole message is just so obvious that them explaining it was very much unneeded.

Smut Peddler Volume 1 by Various Authors– this is a fun anthology of smut comics that I super enjoyed reading. E.K. Weaver’s comic is by far my favourite, and it’s only after I realised that it was a one shot about a character in her webcomic!

Rumple Buttercup BY Matthew Gray Gubler– a very cute children’s graphic novel about loving yourself and finding acceptance!

Smut Peddler Volume 2 by Various Authors– this wasn’t as good as volume 1, but I still read it really quickly and had a fun time looking at the different art styles and methods of story telling!

Dream Daddy by Various Authors– there are so many good moments in this comic, it’s so great. Highly recommend if you’ve played the game, and if you haven’t, check it out, it’s real fun! Damien and Robert’s issue was by far my favourite as they were my favourites in the game too.

Tokyo Ghoul Volume 5 by Sui Ishida– finally, I’m starting to enjoy Tokyo Ghoul. It took a while this volume to actually understand what the hell was happening, but once I did, it really did become something I enjoyed.

Rick and Morty VS Dungeons and Dragons by Patrick Rothfuss– A decent enough read, although there is way too much dialogue and exposition on every page. The font is really small, too, so reading it was a hassle.

Meddling Kids by Edgar Cantero– this book was actually terrible and I have a whole review discussing my issues and how harmful it is!

Jackass! Volume 1 by Scarlet Beriko– This is a funny, sweet manga about fetishes and blackmail. It has an age gap romance between an 18 year old and a doctor, and there is some transphobic bullying/weird treatment of bullying being okay if the person has a crush on you, but the main relationship is great, and the MC has a really lovely relationship with his older sister.

Batwoman: Elegy by Greg Rucka– Chronicles the Alice Batwoman arc from Detective Comics, as well as giving the backstory for Kate. It’s so great having a badass DC hero who is a lesbian, whose storyline also touches on homophobia in the ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ era of the military. Glad I finally got to this!

Sparrowhawk #5 by Delilah S Dawson– a really disappointing series conclusion overall. I knew I should’ve just stopped reading after the first issue and I wasn’t feeling it, and I honestly wish I had after such a dissatisfying conclusion. Others may enjoy this, but it really wasn’t for me.

Assassination Classroom Volume 1 by Yusei Matsui— an amazing series starter! Already really moving with a teacher who spends all his time encouraging his students despite being a threat to the entire world they have to kill within the year. I have a feeling this will become a new favourite.

I’ll Be Gone in the Dark by Michelle McNamara– really great non-fiction read written by a journalist who played a massive part in the resurgence of talk surrounding the Golden State Killer. You also get some of her life story, and by the end I was almost in disbelief that the author had already died by the time her work was published. I will say it did drag at points, especially in the parts not written by McNamara that had to be finished after she died, but overall a really thorough look into the cases and the victims.

The Woods Volume 5 by James Tynion IV– this series is- dare I say it- picking up? I still have issues with the representation and the fact that most of the main characters to have died, especially in this volume, were POC while the white characters are in the exact same situation and survive. Will have to see if this carries on.

Backwards & In Heels by Alicia Malone– this started off strong, and I found out so much about women in film and their presence in the industry since the creation of film in the 1800’s. However, by the end it got so repetitive and formulaic in the way information was presented that I started skimming. This is more of a coffee-table, occasional-read book when you fancy learning more about amazing women! Also, even though there is diverse rep and talk of lack of hiring of WOC and LGBT+ women in the industry, we also get the author praising white women earlier on in the book who took on roles where they did blackface and yellowface, which really dulled down the conversation in the latter half of the book.

My Love Story!! Volume 6 by Kazune Kawahara– so GOOD. I got so emotional reading this volume, I ended up crying. This is by far one of my favourite manga series, I can’t recommend it enough. It follows tough-but-soft boy Takeo as he enters into a relationship with Yamato, cutest girl in the universe, with the support of his best friend Suna. Truly the PEAK of romantic comedy fiction.

When the Sky Fell on Splendor by Emily Henry– emotional, hardhitting read about a group of friends who end up with superpowers after discovering a strange alien object. It’s very reminiscent of the film Super 8 in my head, and if you love stories about not only aliens but found families through friendship, highly recommend!

The Hound of the Baskervilles by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle– I just don’t think Sherlock Holmes is for me. I love the retellings and adaptations, and in theory, I’m invested in the murder mysteries, but I just think Doyle’s prose weighs it down and there’s always that underlying racism I don’t think is appropriate to even attempt to shake.

And my May TBR Jar pick is…. MY HEART GOES BANG by Keris Stainton!

TV SHOWS/MOVIES/VIDEOS

At the start of the month, I started bingeing Dead Meat videos, a channel entirely revolving around horror. My personal favourite series is the Saw kill count videos, and the movies that changed horror podcast episode James (the host) does with his girlfriend Chelsea (who is amazing)!

I finally watched season 2 of Stranger Things! I adore Steve, as always, and it was such a solid season (BOB). However I did have an issue with the needless rivalry that festered with Elle towards Max, season 3 better sort that and stop pitting girls against each other for no reason other than because of boys.

Zoe from Read by Zoe was on FIRE this month with some really great read-a-thon videos! I loved her 24 read-a-thon vlog especially, she read only books she enjoyed growing up and it all felt really nostalgic.

This is very much a personal one, but my favourite streamer returned to a podcast with the company he used to work for, and it was just…. so heartwarming to watch. I can’t believe he left four years ago! I’ve been watching this company since I was about fourteen, so it was so nice watching this, a long-awaited reunion.

Kat at paperbackdreams did an amaaaaazing video rant reviewing After by Anna Todd, and I loved it. In general Kat is a top tier booktuber for me, I highly recommend her videos as much as I can!

MUSIC I’VE ENJOYED

Pressure by The 1975

Old Town Road Remix by Lil Nas X, Billy Ray Cyrus

The Black and White and I Spend Too Much Time in My Room by The Band CAMINO

I Got 5 On It (Tethered Mix From US) by Michael Abels, Luniz, Michael Marshall

Soldiers (From Stranger Things) by Kyle Dixon, Michael Stein

REVIEWS I POSTED

Three Romance Reviews: Kulti, The Hating Game and Sunstone

The Elementals Book Review

Meddling Kids Book Review