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vitolieltrue · 7 years

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Writing PTSD - My Experience

So I’ve seen a lot of posts on How To Write....X and I thought I’d take a moment to write my own experience with PTSD in the hopes that this helps someone who is writing a character with trauma.

Let me just begin by saying that this is NOT all-inclusive. This is my own experience and the way my own PTSD manifests. It is also worth noting that I have lived with PTSD for 9.5 years.

One of the interesting things about PTSD for me is that while there are some obsessions that happen in my life a lot of the time I don’t realize that they are manifestations of trauma until I get triggered. Many of them are very subtle and mild and if you weren’t with me when I had an Episode you wouldn’t realize they’re there. Secondly, many of these manifestations only happen in certain spaces.

I’ve read a lot of stories where the characters realize ALL THE TIME that the reason they can’t put their back to the door or they hate being on their knees is because of X event or Y occurrence. But for me, I tend to think of it as logical until I get triggered.

It’s logical that I hate having an open door at my back. It’s logical that I drink sideways at water fountains so that no one can come up behind me. It’s logical that I take the seat by the door so I can get out faster. It just makes sense. Everyone things like that.

My triggers are tied to very specific things: A man coming through a door at my back that I don’t see. Being surprised by a man in an apartment where I am alone. Being stuck with a man blocking a door. Being on my knees with a man in the room. Having the lights turned out on me. Having someone point a gun shaped object at me - especially if I am on my knees. Being hit in the head with a BB sized object. This includes Nerf Guns, Toy Guns, Staplers, sprayers like on a hose and more.

ALL OF THESE ARE TIED TO SPECIFIC EVENTS THAT HAPPENED IN THE INCIDENT.

Some of these ONLY TRIGGER IF I AM IN A CERTAIN POSE, A CERTAIN KIND OF ROOM AND IN A CERTAIN KIND OF ENVIRONMENT.

Notice something about these? All of these are things that people, in their normal daily life, would have something of a problem with. All of these would probably make a woman uncomfortable. However, for me, all of these are accompanied by:

-Flashbacks to The Event. These flashbacks can be literally impositions of the Event across my vision or a return to the emotion and head space of that time.

A swooping feeling in my gut and a sense of “It will never be over. It will just happen again and again. Here we go again. One more time.” - I.e a Sense of the Inevitable.

A panic attack - this includes hyperventilation, being unable to walk, deep fear, a sense of helplessness, anger at myself and the person who triggered me, and a sense of doom.

One thing about this is - I tend to hold it together REALLY WELL in the face of the person who startled me. I can have a complete conversation, act like I am okay, even tell the person that I have PTSD and can they not, like, ever, do that again? But the MOMENT they leave and I reach a corner of the room I am GONE.

Frustration and and Embarrassment. I know EXACTLY what is happening when it happens. I know every single step of the emotional pit I’m about to walk through. I am deeply embarrassed and ashamed that this is happening to me.

After the Initial Episode, I tend to have 3 days of feeling: Depressed, emotionally absent, tired, sleeping a LOT, struggling with the desire to Be Alone vs. needing the Security of People. I want to talk to people I trust.

Verbally processing after an Episode is Very Important To me Moving On. If I can’t process then the Emotional Hangover (as I call it) lasts for a few days to weeks.

PHYSICALLY, this manifests as:

Tingling in between my shoulder blades, like someone is watching me.

Hands shaking.

Knees bouncing.

Huddling up when sitting.

Being PHYSICALLY UNABLE to have my back to an open room unless someone is LITERALLY watching my back.

My stomach twists. It feels cold, like there’s ice spreading from my stomach to my ribs and limbs. My fingers get clumsy.

I have a hard time enjoying food but eat a LOT of it.

After an episode passes, the Episode stays in my head for weeks. I live my daily life and then, like a pop up, I remember that it happened. That brings the Event into greater focus in my life.

After about a month, I don’t remember it as often. I may have new habits that have started since the Episode, such as propping a ladder in front of doors, locking doors behind me - like locking the bathroom door even if all I’m doing is putting on make up - but these fade in time. I RECOGNIZE and attempt to DEFUSE habits that are unhealthy or abnormal.

What Happens the Rest of the Time.

So, one thing I’ve noticed when people write characters with PTSD is that the Traumatic Event and their triggers are in the forefront of their mind the entire time.

In many fanfics Bucky Barnes, just for an example, goes every single day thinking about his PTSD, processing what he went through, living life through the PTSD lens. It affects his entire outlook on life.

But, speaking as a person with PTSD, and as a counselor working to be certified in Trauma Counseling this is not how healthy living works out. Does PTSD have an affect? Yes. Absolutely. But, if it is affecting your daily life in and out every day YOU NEED HELP. Not in the sarcastic, “you need help you nasty” sort of way, but a THERE ARE RESOURCES THAT CAN HELP YOU sort of way.

And, for many people, that is their reality. I DO NOT WANT TO DISMISS THAT. IT IS VERY REAL, A VERY BIG PROBLEM, AND WE NEED TO SUPPORT THEM AND GIVE THEM FREEDOM TO RECOVER AT THEIR OWN PACE. That level of PTSD is VERY SEVERE. It is DEBILITATING. It is so, so hard to live with. It does take over your life.

But, it is not as common.

Many people with PTSD live with fewer side effects. I don’t see that a lot of in fiction which is why I am going to focus on my experience in everyday life.

In MY day to day life I do not live remembering the Event.

I remember it happened. It makes for a good story. I am in counseling for it (and other things). But, it is something I struggle with. I struggle a lot more with my Generalized Anxiety than I do with the PTSD because that IS actually something that affects my daily life.

I think about the event (if I haven’t been triggered) something like 8-12 times a year. I do not get panic attacks thinking about the Event. I can talk about it, make it a funny story, make it an inspiring story, and more. I have a deep sense of compassion for the young men who held my family hostage. It doesn’t give me a panic attack to think about it.

For Example: if I were Bucky Barnes: I’d be able to tell the story of falling off the train and getting captured. I’d probably make it funny. Like - this loser, he can’t even catch! Instead, I had to wait for a Polar Bear rescue. I wouldn’t identify myself by that Event but rather by how I define myself at the moment: my hobbies and interests of the moment. So (as Bucky Barnes) Avenger, Atoner, Good Friend/Bad Friend, Awesome Shot, the Wisecracker, etc.

But, if I was on the train and a there was a bump that made me feel like I was falling: Bam. Back to the Event. Triggered.

In my mind, I am not the GIRL WITH PTSD. I am The Artist, the Worrier of the Office, the Mother Hen, etc etc. In certain events, like I said, I make choices based on the habits PTSD left in me but THEY SEEM LOGICAL.

It is LOGICAL to lock every door in the house behind me.

It is LOGICAL to eat in a restaurant with my back to a wall.

It is LOGICAL to never, ever walk at night even to my car.

When I recognize something as an unhealthy thought pattern, I DO ATTEMPT TO CHANGE IT.

Another thing to consider - sometimes, having PTSD is less scary than imagining living without it because PTSD CAN define you and make you feel special. That is another battle facing recovery. But that is a post for another time.

I hope this helps you writers out there. Let me know if you want to go into more detail. If I need to tag anything for triggers, please let me know. Have a great week!

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dicecast · 7 years

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Magic Items: Instruments

Instruments

The Unstrung Harp

The instrument of a beatified saint with the church of Ilmater, this harp once belonged to Sephica of Ordulin. Sephica was a bard, but she did not worship the Lord of Songs, Milil. Instead she devoted herself to performing ballads to the suffering throngs of Ilmaterians everywhere. She was traveling with a group of Ilmaterian pilgrims when they were attacked by bandits, who killed and severely injured many of the pilgrims, and cut the strings of Sephica’s harp when she tried to soothe the injured travelers. After the bandits had left, Sephica prayed to Ilmater for help in a time of crisis. When she puclked at her harp stirngs with her eyes closed in prayer, music miraculously poured forth and healed every person who heard it. The next day, the bandits arrived and killed Sephica for healing the pilgrims. Though she was killed, the pilgrims kept the memory of her miracle alive. Their community attempted to have her accepted as an Ilmaterian saint. They succeeded in 1218 DR.

Stats: NG Good Bards can cast Heal 1/day, and Resurrection 1/year.

Bardic horn of Valhalla

This horn was supposedly left behind by Valkreries when a warrior dies a proper death alone without anybody around to witness his valor.

stats: Lets you summon 1D4 berserkers who will fight for the user, all level 3.

Retching Serpent

The serpent is a wind instrument, usually made of a long, conical wooden tube of over six feet in length that is coiled in much the same way as a snake; thus the name. Six holes along its length help the player alter the pitch in much the same way as a cornet. This particular instrument produces a low sonorous sound that can be felt to the very bones of those within range. In the hands of a skilled bard, ths instrument can produce a Stinking Cloud.

Stats: Stinking Cloud 2/day

Harp of Pandemonium

Like the namesake plane, these instrument produce shifting, disconsolate tones that seem to penetrate the ear and confuse the senses. When strummed by a talented bard, these random notes coalesce into field of purse chaos , turning enemies into dazed idiots

Stats: Lets you cast Confusion 2/day, Daze at will

Harp of the Beastmaster

Life at sea is a dangerous prospect at the best of times. These calmest of waters can be home to the foulest of beasts. Even in times however, this harp is a useful mean’s of charming your way into the ship’s larder.

stats: Champ person or animal 3/day, Dominate Animal 1/day

Raging Winds

This horn was created by the respected bard of a now-dead Reghed barbarian tribe. The bard was called Beogin, and his songs are sung by many of the northern tribes. He carried this horn with him when he observed many titanic battles. The chief of his tribe gave him the instrument with the instructions to blow it if he was ever in mortal danger.

Beogin, too proud to ever call on his tribesmen for help, was killed in battle, the horn hidden under his cloak

Stats: This horn summers 1d6 level 5 barbarians.

Horn of Kazgaroth

This horn is made of one of the tusks of the great beast Kazgaroth. Who imbued it with hits enchantments is unknown, but it is very potent item. when blown upon, no sound issues from the horn. Instead the user of the horn is incased in a globe of power for a short duration of a short duration. The bubble gives the users partial magic resistance and a saving throw bonus, as well as partially deflecting incoming missile attacks. The effect only lasts 8 rounds, and the horn draws from the life force of the user every time it is used. stats: For 8 round it renders you immune to 1st and second level spells of all classes. You gain a +2 to Saving Throws, +5 to AC, but every time you blow the horn you lose 10 hit points.

Horn of Blasting

This horn to be a normal trumpet it can be played to create an ultra sonic blast as with sound as with the spell sound burst.

Stats: Sound Burst 1/day

Horn of Good and Evil

This trumpet has two distinct tones it can produce. The high ringing peal creates a magical circle against evil effects, while the low Rumbling sound produces the opposite

Stats: Either Magical Circle Against Evil or Good 1/day

Whistle of Warding

Carved of human bone, the Whistle Warding is a favorite artifact of a particular Necormancer. The enchantments placed upon the item allows its psosessor to invoke its magic simply by blowing a tune on the whistle.

stats: Anti Magic Shell 1/day

Instrument of the WInds

A sinister device bearing the souls of many who have played it, the Instrument of winds nonetheless produces a haunting tune. Some say its strings are fashioned of the silver cords that once linked its victims to this plane. Strung in a minor cord, it has maintained its perfect timbre over the years. its best-known players was a young Alavar who tried to free the spirits of his parents from its grasp.

Stats: This harp has 50 Charges total. Elemental Swarm Costs 5, Soul Bolt costs one, Hold Undead costs 2

Instrument of Air

When the proper tune is played, these masterwork pan pipes summon a large air elemental

Stats: 1/day...seriously did you see what I just said.

Janthra’s Harp

By playing this masterwork harp the harpist can envelop all creatures within 10 feet of the harp in an invisibility sphere.

Stats: Yeah...it did does that once per day.

The Graet Kazoo

Kazoos provide great entertainment to those who play them. Those forced to listen often take a dimmer view of things, hence of the protection put them this item.

stats: This can cast Sound Burst and Deafness 1/day each.

Horn of Listening

All was pitch black as you slid through the halls of a wealthy merchant. You could hear his guards moving about, but the magical darkness concealed their position from you. Focusing all your concentration on the sounds of breathing and creaking armor, you slipped around the last of the merchant’s guards and entered his treasure room. This was the last test Drogan gave you, and though it was not your final examination, it proved your final examinations, it proved your abilities were sharp as a blade. Drogan presented you with this special device which has the magical ability to enhance your listening skill.

stats: Once per day you can add +10 to your listen check for 10 mis.

The Captive Audience: Gregan’s Harp

This finely made harp is well known among the nomadic peoples of the east, though more for the infamy of its owner, Greagan of the Low Hills. He was a bard of sorts, though less for his love of people than his hatred of hard work. he bade a mage relation construct this harp so its magic might disguise his utter lack of talent in the arts. Its power was greater than he had hoped, and he later turned to petty burglary using ‘his’ music to captivate his victims. Greagan ultimately disappeared some years ago amidst rumors to violence. The Harp still functions, though any self respecting troubadour would reserve its use for the most dire of circumstances.

Stats: Can cast dominate person 1/day

Viol of the Hollow Men

Falatear’s instruments

A wise and powerful bard in the Moonshaes named Falataer created the first of these instruments, using them to test and reward the student of his bardic colleges. Others have since copied the designs, keeping the name Falataer gave them to honor them.

Austruth- Greater Dispelling, Healing Circle and Mind Fog 1/day

Canaith Mandolin: Cure Serious Wounds, Dispel Magic, Summon Monster III 1/day

Mac-Fuirmidh Cithern: Cure Light Wounds, Mage Armor, Sleep 1/day

Cil Lyre- Haste, Remove Curse, Sound Burst 1/day

Doss Lute: Ghostly Visage, Hold Person, Neutralize Poison 1/day

Lyre of Inner Focus

The Lyre of Inner Focus was created by the bard Sendi Paletto Sedini was a teacher of you aspiring bards during difficult times. This instrument, held close at all times, helped Sedini fight off those who would attack him or his student. When Sendini grew old, he passed it on to his best students, Galwen Alaman. Galwen continued teaching for a few years before setting out into the wilderness on a life of adventure. It is believed taht he lost the lyre when he accidenlty dropped it in a marsh.

stats: If you play it for an hour straight, you can gain a +3 to STrength and +2 to Constitution for 10 rounds. It also grants a bard an extra two 2nd level spellsa nd one extra 3rd level spell.

Sailor’s Harp:

This ill-made harp warps and out of tune. You’re almost afraid to play it as you suspect the merest note might cause the flimsy old thing to collaspe into dust.

Stats: Deafening Clang 1/day

Lyre of Progress

The story behind this Lyre is unknown, but it is rumored that it was used by a cultural critic who was torn to pieces by a hate mob, for even thinking about talking feminism in relations to some artistic medium long forgotten.

Stats: This allows the bard to give one ally of the wielder a +1 to Strength

Ollamh Harp

A wise and powerful bard in the Moonshaes named Falataer created teh first of these instruments, using them to test and reward the students of his bardic college. Other have since copied the designs, keeping the name Falataer gave them to honor him.

Stats: Lets you case Mass Charm, Mass haste, and Summon Creature VI

Craum Straug’s Pipes

When the venerable (and senile) red Dragon Craum Straug wandered into the logging camp of Hornhollow at the edge of Wood of Sharp Teeth, the residents (wisely) fled in fear as the dragon began to belch flames, setting the camps on fire and causing cries of alarm to spread throughout the countryside. After the resident fled, Craum squatted his old bones down upon the blackened buildings, grumbling to himself and snorting flames from hsi nostrils.

A few hours and several miles away, the residents of Hornholow finally decided that someone must go negotiate with the dragon and see what it wanted. When no volunteers were forthcoming, a lottery was conducted-and the loser, a traveling minstrel, Aznee Fraystrings, was given the dangerous task of attempting to deal with the dragons. Aznee had lived out his welcome in the camp many nights previous, and the loggers considered it no great loss if Aznee gained a new home in the dragon’s belly.

Aznee, somewhat absent-minded but of brave heart, stumbled his way into the camp, and finally mustered the courage to speak with the dragon. During the (now-famous) exchange that followed, Aznee discovered that Craum, who was somewhat far along in dragon years and in none too good health, was suffering the draconic equivalent of a bad cough, and his hacking and wheezing masked his plaintive attempts to try and find someone, anyone, who could help cure his fist of coughing.

Seeing a solution, Aznee offered a cure that helped an elderly uncle of his-a sprig of Maiden’ Milk flower,s that when crushed and administered in a tea, helped quell coughing in a matter of minutes. Some coudl undoubtedly be found in the forest nearby, Aznee exclaimed, he set about gathering up several sprigs and preparing them for the dragon. After lumping them into a great pot, he administered the steaming cauldron to the dragon.

It is suspected that either Craug drank the mixture too fast, or else Aznee had mistaken Bellows Root for Maiden’s Milk, but whatever the reason, Craug vomited the mixture back out a few seconds later, setting fire to several aces of the wood and torching poor Aznee where he stood. After this vomitus belch, Craug ran wild for almost an hour, trying to spit out the remaining of the concoction. At the end of his rampage, the venerable red dragon fell over dead, the sudden flurry of activity more than his old bones could stand.

When the loggers came break down the dragon a day later, they discovered that Craum’s bones still carried echoes of his coughing fits, and his entire skeleton creaked and wheezed, even after death. They struck a deal with a local mage, who brought the dragon’s bones and fashioned a series of musical instruments with them, dubbed the “pipes of the Wheezing Dragon” These yellow bone pipes are famous throughout the realms and when used by a bard, they can be used to spit bursts of flames at opponents. Unfortunately, even when not in use, the pipes tend to creak and wheeze attracting the attention anyone nearby and making attempts at stealth and pickpocketing useless. A thin cord made of dragon gut is strung through the pipes, so they can be worn around the neck and can easily played when danger threatens. The cord looks charred, as if it was burned recently, and is surprisingly tough.

Stats. This lets you cast Fireball 3/day, Delayed BLast Fireball 1/day, -3 to Pickpocket, move Silently, and hide.

Tallow’s Violin

THis instrument is also known as “tallow’s Violin” but that moniker is rarely spoken among musicians as mentioning the name of Nikolai Tallow is considered bad luck. Nikolai was born in The Vast, near High Haspur, the son of a chandler. Because of the intermittent traffic through the region, Nikolai was introduced to many different cultures. One of the travelers he met was an elven musician named Relev Thinriver. Relelve introduced Nikolai to the violin and taught him for several years as he wandered through the area. Relev knew that Nikolai was an incredibly gifted child, with quick fingers, a keen mind and a passion for all things in the world. Relev also recgonized that Nikolai was exceedingly proud and arrogant. In spite of Nikolai’s shortcomings, Relev taught him everything he knew.

After Relev was killed by a band of orcs, Nikolai began to practice on his own throughout the Vast. Despite his travels, he became always returned to the isolate peaks of his mountains birthplace. He became famed throughout the vast, the southern Moonsea and Sembia for his incredible talent and passionate performances. Eventually, news of the proud young virtuoso spread to the ears of a nearby thug from Calaunt named Tremble Ghon. When Tremble and his gang traveled through the Elvenblood Pass, they stopped at the Elf in Armor Inn and demadned a performance from Nikolai, who happened to be present and eating dinner with his father at the time.

Nikolai refuse to perform for Tremble and his men. He called them stinking oafs and attempted to leave with dignity (this story has classist undertones doesn’t it). Tremble assaulted Nikolai’s pride by claiming that Nikolai was afraid of performing because he’d be heckled out of the inn for his incompetence. Nikolai shot back that his skill with the violin was so great he could raise the dead from their graves. Satisfied with a proposed challenge, Tremble immediately grabbed Nikolai’s father and stabbed him in the heart. When a number of others villagers attempted to intervene, they were also killed by the bandits

Tremble defiantly stood over Nikolai’s dead father and said “Where’s your big mouth now, fiddle players?”. Without a word, Nikolai pulled his violin and bow out from underneath his arms and began to play a melody that none of the residents of High Haspur had ever heard before, and no one in Faerun would ever hear again. Nikolai played with unbridled passion and fervor. Onlookers later remarked that he appeared to be a madman, thrashing around in ways people didn’t think were possible. At the climax of his frenzied piece, Tremble and his gang watched in horror as the souls of the men and women they had just killed rose from their corpses and drove, shrieking, at their murders. THe bandits died horrible deaths, chilled by the shadows of their victims. Nikolai himself continued playing, dancing through the streets and back pastures of his alpine home until every man, woman, child, and beast ever buried in the region rose from its resting place and milled around until Nikolai and his music disappeared into a far off valley, shrouded in a mysterious fog that vanished as quickly as it had appeared.

Legends say that on misty nights, the ghost of NIkolai Tallow returns to his homeland, playing a phantom violin with a host of dancing dead trailing behind him in the moonlight.

Stats: Cast Soul Eater, 1/day and lets you summon 1d4 shadows to serve you

Harp of Haunting

Crafted from old bones and strung with the bowstrings of dead heroes, these grim instruments are not often put on display. The yare brutaully effect in combat howeve,r and several famous bards have used them when circumstances make it necessary

Stats: 50 Charges, Animate Dead (50 Charges) Fear (2 Charges) Scars (1 Charge)

Sephica’s Prayer

The instruments of a beatified saint of the church of ILmater, this harp once belonged to sephica of Ordulin. Sephica was a bard, but she did not worship the lord of songs, Milil. Instead, she devoted herself to performing ballads to the suffering throngs of Illmaterian everywhere . She was traveling with a group of Illmaterian pilgrims when they were attack by bandits. The bandits killed and severely injured many of the pilgrims, and they cut the strings of Sephica’s harp when seh trie to soothe the injured travelers. After the bandits had left, Sephica prayed to Ilmater for help in a time of crisis. When she plucked at her harp strings with her eyes closed in prayer, music miraculously poured forth and healed every person who heard it. The next day, the bandits arrived and killed Sephica for healing the pilgrims. Though she was killed, the pilgrims kept the memory of her miracle alive. Their community attempted to have her accepted as an Illmaterian saint. They succeeded in 1218 DR

Stats: This Harp can cause Heal 1/day, Resurrection 1/month, only good bards with Wisdom, Spirit, and Charisma of 13 can use this (what bard wouldn’t have Charisma)

Lyre of Inner Focus

The Lyre of Inner Focus was created by the bard Sedini Paletto. Sedini was a teacher of young aspiring bards during difficult times. This instrument, held close at all times, helped Sedini fight off those who would attack him or his students. When Sedini grew old, he passed it on to his best student, Galwen Alaman. Galwen continued teaching for a few years before setting out into the wilderness on a life of adventure. It is believed that he lost the llyre when he accidentally dropped it in a march.

Stats: If held as a shield this gives a +3 to Strength and +2 to Con

Prophia’s Merry Shorthorn

The Merry Shorthorn was once owned by the half-elven bard Prophia Copperfire, and she took the saml instrument everywhere. Despite its rather meager powers, he Merry Shorthorn is among of the most well traveled magic items in Faerun . It is believed that Prophia took with her a number of Elemental Planes to Elysium and Baator and from the Spine of the World to the distant reaches of Wa. It entertained pashas in Calimshan, quelled the anger of holy slayers in Zakhara, and bolstered a crew of sliders in teh Sea of Fallen Stars. THe merry shorthorn was lost when Prophia accidently dropped it somewhere in the great desert of Anauroch.

Stats: 1/day can cast Prayer and Bless

Strings of Discord

Pellon Kay would never appear in history books for his musical talents. If it wasn’t for his famous lute, no one would have remembered him at all. Born in Sembia and raised in a musical family, Pellon Kay never took his performances seriously. Kay made dozens of enemies everywhere he went because of his acidic wit and appetite for confrontation. Sages believe that MIlil frowned upon Pellion’s antis, but that Talos found Pellon’s attitude to be quite amusing. The avatar Talos watched Pellon start a fight with over twenty men in a bar one night. As a gift for such destructive entertainment, Talos touched the lute that was laying next to Pellon’s unconscious body. After that night, Pellon discovered that he could make men go berserk just by playing his lute in their direction. He took great delight in setting, mercenaries and sailors against each other for several weeks. Eventually, Pellon Kay was laid low by a grim-featured warrior with a crossbow who didn’t let Pellon get close enough to employ his magical lute. The unknown warriors threw the lute into the Sea of Fallen Stars.

Stats: Dire Charm and Dominate Person 1/day

Sweet Auril’s Kiss

Sweet Auril’s Kiss was created by a disturbed bard named Owain Piper. Piper was a worshiper of Auril, born in the town of SIlverymoon and raised to embrace the frigid environment of hsi homeland. He traveled extensively in the Moonsea, where he met a mage named Pelham of the Moor. Owain and Pelham became good friends and stayed in contact for over a decade. Pelham eventually enchanted Owain’s Lullabye for the bard in exchange for a small sum of money. Owain raerly used the instrument in battle, typically employed it when he found late-migrating geese lounging on a lake. He would blow the horn in such a way that the geese heard it as the sound of their cousins heading south for the winter. As the geese would attempt to talk flight, Owain’s horn would freeze them in mid-stroke, where he would leave them to die

Stats; 1/day this can caste Cone of cold and Elemental Barrier simultaneous.

Chime of Opening

When played, the Chime of Opening sends forth magic vibrations that cause lock, lids, doors, valve and portals to open. The device functions against most normal bars, shackles, chain, bolts and so on.

Stats: Knock 50 Charges

Dove’s Harp

This item orignial name has been lost and its current name derives from Dove Falconhand, who owns such a harp. Tehse masterworks harps have thirty six strings. When it is played, the harp’s music can cure listeners and cast a warm light.

Stats: You can cast Cure Light wounds and greater Restoration 1/day each. Can cast Light at will

Masterwork Cittern of War

One of the only musical instruments actively approved of by the church of Tempus, the Cittern of War was constructed by a halfling instrument maker named Relias Blackseed. Priests of Arvoreen the Defender blessed the cittern with its impressive power. Relias never intended to play his magnificent creation. He eventually sold the ruddy instrument to a bard named Gallow Deely. Gallow was a lanky, slender man often found in the company of adventurers. Though ill-suited for battle, Gallow was exceptionally gifted at putting tales of heroism to music. With the aid of the cittern, he helped the Company of Frozen trees defeat a young green dragon in 1013 DR. His song, commemorating the occasion, was a rollicking tune called “The Flight of Green Thirteen” it is played in central and western taverns to this day.

Stats: This Cittern can 1/day caste Emotion:Hope and Chaos Simultaneous centered on the user Also Dispel Magic 1/day

#Magic Items #Instruments #Bards

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consciousowl · 6 years

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Why You Fear Success

You can choose either a life of comfort or fulfillment. If you choose comfort, you will miss out on fulfillment. If you choose fulfillment, you miss out on comfort.

Werner Erhard

If you are like most of us, you will often boast of your commitment to success. You’re no loser. You know how to give a truly worthy pursuit your all. On closer examination, you will find this false bravado hides deep insecurities. Of course, you will say, “We all want to win.” Yet you begin to think of all the times you unwittingly shrunk back from the brass ring. The classic example is getting to the five-yard line in football about to make a touchdown. As a quarterback, you make a stupid pass that falls into the opposing team’s hands, and you end up scrambling to catch up with them… in the opposite direction! If you are human, you have conflicting emotions. Period. For some of us, the conflict is far greater than for others. We dream of being authentic, fully integrated high achievers. In truth, this can require a lifetime of intense inner work. What is really going on here? You fear success whenever the discomfort of achieving your stated goal exceeds that of blowing it.

Four Stances to Success

In life, we assume one of four postures, based upon our willingness to make calculated risks and our overall commitment to growth.

1. Don’t Play at All The least risk is to bow out of any and every game. You can be counted on to never assume any responsibility. You are never disappointed, just increasingly bored. 2. Play to Lose The second least risk is to deliberately play to lose. That way, you end all the suspense and confirm childhood suspicions that you just don’t have what it takes. 3. Play NOT to Lose The third least risk is to do what most people do: play to break even. Be moderate in all things. Don’t stick out. Stay under the radar. Go do what everyone else is doing. 4. Play to Win The greatest risk is to deliberately play to win, regardless of the consequences. Life is a lot more fun when you both work hard and play hard. What are we here for if not to shine? If you think deeply, you will identify three core issues that force you to hold back and consistently “snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.” You will confront the core beliefs that sabotage most or all your efforts to succeed, to make a real difference.

You Don’t Really Believe in Your Goal

Some of the best and brightest of us find themselves playing games they never even planned and ultimately find distasteful. They listened to their parents when growing up. “You want to be a doctor, lawyer or minister. [Today it might be data scientist.] Make lots of money. There is no market for creativity. Why be a starving artist?” Dr. Deepak Chopra was the son of a great Indian physician who had attended to the Viceroy’s wife. It was foreordained that Deepak and his brother would also be doctors. A strange thing about Deepak, however, it that he really liked to write and aspired to be a journalist. When he met the Maharishi after immigrating to the U.S., everything changed for him. Deepak found his true passion, and went on to impact millions.

The temptation is to win social approval at the price of forfeiting your passion. If you are fortunate, you wake up early and rebel. You take a series of steps towards an authentic life. This is what adolescence and going to college are really all about.

You Don’t Want to Sell Out

You have it wired that if a person is a high achiever in an upper socio-economic bracket and a conspicuous consumer, he or she has most definitely sold out along the way. All rich men are selfish bastards out to cheat everyone else. You can’t make it to the top without deep compromise, just as a beautiful lady cannot achieve stardom in Hollywood without encountering the casting couch. Most likely, you haven’t even tested these assumptions, and are relying on misadventures with a handful of acquaintances. In my experience, only a small fraction of high-achievers and affluent people are miserable misers. We like to think this way, as it gets us off the hook. In truth, many are model human beings. I think of Ross Perot, who ran for President as a billionaire. Ross was known for impeccable honor. He even ended up buying a copy of the Magna Carta, the foundational document of Western democracy, and had it couriered back to the United States. Anyone who has spent serious time on the political left, hung out at grad school and consorted with intellectuals, knows the extreme distaste of the commercial life. You can write the great American novel, but God forbid that you become an advertising copywriter. (In point of fact, one of my most enjoyable jobs was with a leading ad agency!)

You Feel Totally Unworthy

To top it all off, you are an introvert, grew up in a broken, dysfunctional family, and constantly were reminded that you just don’t have what it takes. Even people with a happy childhood are lucky if they are not plagued with gratuitous thoughts, “You’re just not going to make it!” The perfect example is applying to an ivy-league school, such as Stanford, where admission may be as low as five, or even one, percent of the applicants. You might even be a straight A student to no avail. You didn’t have enough of a social life and cracked the books too often. How can you win?

You could look at success as a way of better serving other people. If you have a powerful vision and a deeply moving passion, you have what many people are looking for. Elon Musk was stood up by Netscape for a job interview. From South Africa, Elon decided that he might take advantage of our free enterprise system. He then helped form PayPal, then SpaceX, Telsla and Solar City. Today, Elon is holding up the torch for humanity to colonize Mars… with private dollars!

How to Play Full Out

If you are sick of setting yourself up to lose all the zest in life, and you want to feel young and vibrant again, you can take some simple steps to discover your passion, focus upon it and make a lasting difference in the world. • Discover your passion. What is the one thing you most desire, above anything else? • Focus on your passion. Commit to it, even if it means just five minutes a day, every day. • Create a vision. What will the world look like after you have made your contribution? • Share the vision. Find people who share your commitment for change. • Start a mastermind. Invite distinguished people who resonate with your dreams. • Persist, regardless of the consequences. This is what you truly want. Go for it! You will want to identify a grand vision, such as ending global warming, while identifying a specific objective that is actionable. For example, you want to counter climate change by leading America to become a zero-carbon country. While this project is definitely ambitious, it is possible. Any number of cities in the U.S. already have a commitment to achieve zero carbon emissions. It is human to fear success. It doesn’t mean that you are crazy. It is also possible to dramatically loosen this fear’s grip on you. You can give yourself, and others, the wings to fly!

The post Why You Fear Success appeared first on ConsciousOwl.com.

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creativemorningsedinburgh · 6 years

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3rd Birthday Reminiscing

At CreativeMornings/EDI, our January event was special one indeed… we turned 3! That's 37 early starts and speakers, over 2960 coffees served, 5 panic stricken moments of missed alarms, 52 stolen sharpies and a growing family of over 1300 members!

Photography by Ellie Morag

And what a grand affair it was. We had four incredible speakers, two musical acts, and delicious bagels, cake, gin, and beer - all enjoyed within the stunning Assembly Roxy, in the heart of our fair city.

All the fun was coordinated under the CreativeMornings global theme of the month, #CMAnxiety, which felt pretty appropriate as each of our team members were called to speak on stage, at least once. With over 160 #CMEdi community members watching, this was totally new for some of us - Anxiety indeed.

Our first speaker, introduced by team photographer Ellie, was Marco Bevilacqua a.k.a. Want Some Studios, an award winning illustrator with over seven years experience working with international clients in editorial, advertising and television. From the start of his talk, Marco got real with us all. Anorexia and anxiety had creeped it’s way into his life at the age of 22, turning him into a shell of his former self, which he could barely recognise. Standing before us on that stage was an individual who had battled an irrational internal voice, using his art to find true expression and, ultimately, reforge himself to be stronger than ever before.

“Art and expression as a child have no inhibitions, there’s no right or wrong. Then, adulthood strikes. We lose connection to art, the analysis of self... that emotional outsourcing from head to page… “

Photography by Ellie Morag

“Art provides metaphors for us to visualise emotions. Re-engage with art.. Am I expecting everyone to go out and yell ‘it’s ok, go be crazy’? To experience miraculous re-connections with long lost fathers? No. But, you can accept yourself.”

To see all of Marco’s fantastic work, head on over to his website, and keep up his creative initiative PissedModernism which “is about making Art and Politics accessible to everyone.”

Introduced by our team’s operations wrangler, Alex, the next speaker was Niamh KcKeown, a talented young writer and director. Since graduating from Edinburgh Napier University last year, her graduate film ‘Good Girls’ has screened at ESFF, Underwire and, most recently, Flickerfest in Australia. Niamh’s latest short ‘Farmland’ was shortlisted for BAFTA Rocliffe new writing competition and is due to be shot and produced later this year.

Despite her inspiring accomplishments, Niamh has worked through some serious life anxiety and self-doubt, “I’m kinda like a loser… but also a film-maker, a porter, an artist… faking it until I make it, at least.” Reflecting on her own anxieties, she gave us a glimpse into the reality of creative process, with the distinct cocktail of chaos, passion, fear, doubt, and loneliness it can bring. All the while, a question looming in the background, “... but when do you actually ‘make it’?” Attempting to answer this question alone, the internal anxious artist responds with only more questions and worry “Maybe I should wait 10 years until I’m ‘good enough’? What even is good enough? Do I have what it takes? DOES MY MUM EVEN LOVE ME?”

Niamh’s fantastic character and comedic timing had us all laughing, in that special way that says “We know exactly what you’re talking about.” From this reflection, however, came some wise words for us all as we face the future, chasing our creative dreams and aspirations.

“The worst mistake I make is trying to ‘lone-wolf’ it - not letting people help me until it’s too late. I need feedback, even if I don’t want it! ”

Photography by Ellie Morag

So, go out there and remember you are never alone in dealing with your anxiety, or finding that next vital dose of inspiration! The creative community awaits!

Follow all of the amazing things Niamh is getting up to on twitter @KeownMcNiamh and instagram @KeownMcNiamh

The third speaker of the night, introduced by our operations wrangler Chloe, was Matilda Mayne. Starting off a little differently, she gave us all some instructions in subtle, dulcet tones…

“Place your hand behind your head, and pull your head down. Relax the muscle around your shoulders… your arms… and allow the muscles in your face to slowly open up. Breathe. Take yourself just to the edge of discomfort.

Bring your mind back to your breathe… back inside your body. Open your eyes.”

Photography by Ellie Morag

As a performance psychology coach who loves to work with pioneers, inventors and boundary-pushers, Matilda’s work and life have given her an appreciation for anxiety - “Anxiety is an urge to get back to comfort, which means we’re missing out, a lot.” Aided by the practice of Yin-yoga, Matilda has found ways to help individuals face anxiety and stress, with purpose, not only getting to the root of causes, but helping them tap into “a learning ground, and strategies to deal with chaos and adversity.”

“Next time you experience anxiety or fear on some level, remember to stop and tune into yourself.”

Follow Matilda on instagram @Mayne_Psychology - and get in touch! She’d love to hear from you 📬

CreativeMornings/EDI’s Speaker Coach extraordinaire, Briana, introduced our final speaker of the night, Niall Dolan, the CEO of the John Byrne Award. As the leader of an organisation which aims to provide a platform for young creatives to express themselves, and their values, Niall extended this goal to our event, inviting the talented young sculpture, and former John Byrne Award winner, Robert McCormick to share the stage.

Photography by Ellie Morag

In a time of great social and political anxiety, the voices of young people often go without full recognition or respect - despite their role as ultimate inheritors of all we create. As Niall explains, the John Byrne Award seeks to raise these young voices, allowing them to communicate what they truly value, through artistic mediums. The results are truly inspiring, expressing thoughtfulness, concern, and perspectives which not only warrant greater inclusion of young people in public conversations, but also more compassionate investment in dialogue, generally.

To find out more about the John Byrne Award, head on over to their website, and follow them on instagram at @TheJohnByrneAward

Finishing our #CMAnxiety set for the night, team videographer Tao welcomed Wendy McAuslan to the stage. With her magical voice and acoustic guitar skills, this Edinburgh based singer and songwriter overcame performance anxiety to play us out.. And boy were we glad she did. Wendy left us in collective awe, sending us off in a distinctly un-anxious state of inspiration.

Photography by Ellie Morag

To keep up with Wendy and listen in on her lovely tunes, you can follow her on soundcloud, facebook, and instagram @WMcAuslanMusic

Throughout our 3rd birthday bash, it was a joy to look around and see a full house, surrounded by memories of the last 3 years of hard work, inspiration, and community. Our host and founder Alex took the stage to chart the key moments that have shaped the chapter, including a weather bomb, a brexit wake, a team retreat, and a killer event that put Edinburgh on The CreativeMornings global map. What a journey it’s been!

So here’s to another fantastic year of CreativeMorningS/EDI events, and all that we stand for as a (growing) creative community:

- Build & grow place for connection. Breaking down silos between disciplines is number one on our local chapter’s agenda. We’re bent on growing a safe and welcoming place for our community and providing a hot bed for ideas. Let’s show the world that Edinburgh is a creative city, 12 months a year.

- A program that inspires by example. We strive for a diverse program of speakers; upholding a gender balanced lineup but also having a healthy representation of different ethnic background and beliefs. Our speakers are real people, doing real work, telling real stories. They make inspiration tangible - when you see someone up there that looks like you, or says out loud what you’re thinking it gives us strength to someday make the leap for ourselves..

- Relish the ambiguity of the word “creative”. No matter what life you lead or what your passion may be, creativity is involved in it all. Whether your art can be found on an easel, a workbench, a garden, a page of code, a way of thinking, or a nurtured organisational culture… you are creative, and great inspiration can be found in the many facets of it all.

We were so humbled to have you all here with us on our birthday, at our biggest event yet! The best part? We have so much more yet to come!

Shout out to all who joined us, with special thanks to our sponsors, Eastern Exhibit, FreeAgent, Amiqus, Cello Signal, Orbit, Designit, The Edinburgh Beer Factory, Pickering’s Gin, The Homespun Kitchen, and Bross Bagels - all of you made this wonderful night possible 💙

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