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crumpet-doodles · 6 months

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Hey! Umm, can y'all give me your headcanons for Solar from the Sun and Moon show? I'd just like to see them, no matter how weird you think they might be! Here are a few of mine:

☆ Solar might have claustrophobia

I honestly do think that he might have some sort of claustrophobia. I'm basing this off of two things that happened in the lore vids:

In "Eclipse MOVES IN in VRCHAT," when Moon says that he could convert one of the party rooms into a temporary living space for Solar, Solar says "I'm more uh... I don't really like rooms." I know this was probably a bit overlooked, but on my second re-watch I noticed it, and an idea started forming in my brain-

Another example is in "Eclipse has a NEW IDENTITY!? in VRCHAT," where as he and Moon walk through this long, horrendously yellowish-orange hallway, Solar says "I hate this room. This hallway." This could be taken as to how empty the hallway is (As Moon comments) or to how it reminds him of a Half Life 2 map. (I think that's what he said-) Again, this could be easily ignored, but it just adds to my little theory~

One more thing is just something I speculate- he might have claustrophobia from some kind of trauma from his old dimension, specifically from the Moon that he lived with. I think that his Moon was highly abusive to him, and I can imagine him being put into a similar situation as Sun, where his Moon trapped him in a magical barrier, and left him there alone for an unspecified period of time. I can also imagine Solar just generally being trapped in a room/isolated, because Moon didn't know what else to do when Solar first... appeared? I guess? In his Sun.

Also, he'd probably try to hide it because he thinks it's stupid.

☆ Solar is an insomniac

I honestly think that he just has a hard time sleeping, his brain is just running around everywhere 24/7- (Damn he's pretty relatable)

He will literally run himself into the ground before taking a break/resting. In "Eclipse has a NEW IDENTITY!? in VRCHAT," Moon calls him an "insane motherfucker" when he admits that he fixed the Daycare, Theater, Gift Shop, and more, in a week. A WEEK. Then after a tour and some talk, he passes out from running out of battery, due to being on 1% charge. He's overworking himself. He needs sleep.

HE SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY EXHAUSTED IN "Lunar and Earth's GROUP THERAPY in VRCHAT," LIKE BRO- He said he was working on 2 separate things, both for 5 hours straight- He really needs to sleep- get him a beanbag or something-

Also, this could be another trauma-related thing, where he just doesn't feel safe sleeping, or he has nightmares. However, this is probably just me overthinking and reading too much into this situation.

When he DOES fall asleep, it's usually in the most arbitrary places ever. At the desk in the daycare, in one of the play structures, etc. I... have a feeling that he's probably fallen asleep on that green little mat/platform thing in the ball pit before. Or just literally in the ball pit itself.

☆ Solar's just generally insecure about his looks

Looking like the OG Eclipse model, he probably has some issues with what he looks like, and is most likely frustrated about how people keep mistaking him for Eclipse.

Also, coming back to the whole "his dimension's Moon giving him trauma" thing. His Moon probably called him a lot of things, all of them horrible. Solar keeps mentioning how aggressive and angry his Moon was, so again, it would fit the profile.

In "Lunar and Earth's GROUP THERAPY in VRCHAT," When Solar talks about him working, Earth says "That might have something to do with you not feeling like you fit in." Please, he needs comfort and more therapy-

☆Solar is touch starved

Do I even have to explain?

Also, I feel like even though he IS touch starved, he doesn't... realize it, exactly. He has really closed off body language (For some reason I can imagine that his idle pose/stance is having his arms crossed) and is just generally unsure about how he should properly show physical affection.

Do you know what I mean? Like, you think you just don't like physical touch, but it just turns out you were full of anxiety on how to properly show it that when somebody DOES end up giving you a hug or something similar that the realization just... hits you? Really hard? (Dear Stars this is over-specific am I ok???) Solar might also be comfortable with one person/small group of people actually touching him. Or if people ask. (Ok I need to shut up, now I'm just projecting my personal experiences into my headcanons for him-)

This could also be attributed to the insecure thing but eh.

Quick thing I'd also like to say, his model, (or "suit," as they call it in the show) is slightly different from the other's, because as his dimension's Moon stated, it was an older model that never got used. I think it's just lankier, skinnier, and maybe has a tail, as these features were being experimented with for the newer daycare attendants, the ones who actually got used (Solar's dimension's Sun and Moon.)

(Note: I might edit this post as things change/lore vids drop!)

(Damn, this turned into a whole-ass essay-) So yeah! If you've made it this far, thank you, and if you have any headcanons of your own that you're willing to share, please do! I'd be delighted to see them!

#tsams #tsams Solar #headcanon #Y'all please this took me too long-#nice eclipse #tsams nice eclipse #give me your headcanons #I shall gladly devour them #In the most normal way possible #the sun and moon show #The sun and moons show Solar #tsams good eclipse

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genderkoolaid · 11 months

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To be fair to this mindset, when one of my high school classmates came out as non-binary and I asked about using its, I was unequivocally told not to do that and later learned that referring to androgynous people as it/its has a history of being used as a slur. I agree the post, but I'm concerned that there's two crossing arguments here that are especially likely to confuse people who are not connected to queer culture. I'm not sure if I phrased this correctly, I'm just somewhat uncomfortable with how the argument in that post reads to me as assuming knowledge and ill intent where I read lack of experience. (If I got that wrong, I apologize, I do have a history of missing social cues.)

Did not completely read the post, missed the "I use it/its" part. Still a little uncomfortable that the writer of that post says "like I used a slur" because the information I received about the use of it/its used an example of an officer harassing someone who was not cis (real example, not made up, wish I could find it) and was very clear that this is a slur, no two ways about it (wrong, but that was the message I was told.) Again, not sure I communicated clearly, just uncomfortable and not sure what to do about it. Sorry for clogging your inbox.

Its true that it/its can be used to degender and dehumanize trans people. But the key thing here is that people will hear/see a trans person state that they, themselves, use it/its (or hear someone else explain that they use it/its), and those people will take it upon themselves to argue with the trans person that their chosen pronouns are dehumanizing, and straight-up REFUSE to gender it correctly. People will tell people that using it/its is "dehumanizing yourself" and say that using it/its for someone who uses those pronouns makes them uncomfortable.

Like, they/them pronouns are also very often used to degender trans people. But if you see someone who presents as feminine who uses they/them pronouns, and then go "why are you degendering yourself? using they/them pronouns for you makes me uncomfortable, so I'm just gonna ignore your request because your pronouns are problematic," well... thats transphobic! And you should be able to use context clues (i.e the trans person in front of you Telling You What They Want) to figure out that those two situations are different.

It makes total sense to be suspicious or surprised when you hear someone being called "it," and there's nothing wrong with questioning that in case there's transphobic intent behind it. But the issue it/its users have is when people straight-up refuse to listen to us about our own identities, tell us we're "dehumanizing ourselves" and use their personal discomfort as an excuse to misgender us. There's a big difference between a transphobe dehumanizing a trans person, and a trans person ASKING to be called "it" and having people do everything possible to avoid gendering us how we want. Trans allyship means listening to trans people, and misgendering it/its users and acting like you are doing us a favor by misgendering us, is transphobic.

Not that you do that, anon, you seem very respectful, its just very frustrating to have people act like they are being better trans allies than you when literally misgendering you because you use Problematic Pronouns. As someone who gets dysphoric when people use exclusively they/them for me, and prefers it/its for that reason, having people decide for me what the "correct" pronouns are is extremely frustrating. It feels like they are more invested in following the Trans Rules than listening to the actual trans person vocalizing their needs. The anger in that post might seem confusing but people are genuinely rude as FUCK to it/its users even in trans spaces, and it's exhausting.

#m.#ask box

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huntedspy · 6 months

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hello and welcome to my "why I love autistic Spy headcanon and why it makes sense to me" post. A lot of this is going off of fanon representations but I try to go off of canon as much as possible :)

I know people don't think of him as autistic because he's a spy! He has to be good at social situations and reading body language and etc etc. But I don't think this should disprove him as being autistic because these are the same reasons heavily masking autistic people are dismissed as well. There's many testimonies of autistic people who say that they knew there was something different about them in terms of the way they could communicate with others, so they would practice and learn how to communicate with scripts or by copying other people. I think this can be applied to Spy and it makes a lot of sense especially because of his career.

I think it's much more interesting to think of him as someone that's intensively studied how to communicate with others because of being autistic, and perhaps from the pressure of others in his childhood and teen years (parents, teachers, peers). He knows exactly how to say the right thing and when because of endless practicing, not because it comes naturally to him. Perhaps social behavior, communication, and psychology became special interests to him because of this.

Because of heavily masking however, I feel like he also has identity issues with some dissociation mixed in there. Where does his masked self begin and where does it end? I feel like he truly never feels like himself, always playing a role for other people. Always switching the scripts in his mind depending on who he's talking to. He has given himself over to being a spy and becoming so good at what he does that he never has a moment to be himself. He never has a moment to figure out who he even is, and man is it exhausting.

I would imagine that he never talks to people about himself either. Perhaps this was something else he learned from when he was younger, to not bother others about his interests or thoughts. Or maybe he feels vulnerable from it. Maybe even both. Sure he could talk about wine with others, but he would never share the fact he's really into a novel series a little too much.

However, I feel like working with the mercs is something that helps him start to unmask. Working with 8 others who are all crazy in some way (and also neurodivergent in my opinion)? That's gotta chip away at his mask. He quickly realizes that a lot of the skills he's learned along the way to fit in aren't quite working with his coworkers. He starts stimming again (for example, flipping his butterfly knife repeatedly). He's less exhausted in social situations because now he doesn't have to carefully choose what to say all the time. He can remove himself from social situations easily now without having to explain or say farewells (imagine how much of a gift his watch is now that he can simply Disappear and get away from people!). Those domination lines in game where he mocks people? He can finally let loose and be mean and silly because he no longer has to worry about if someone likes him or not!

Spy is always depicted as a private person who likes to keep to himself. He has his own private and dedicated smoking room?? Hello???? I could say so much more but it's so hard to put all my thoughts into words.

I also wanna highlight some specific examples from the comics that I thought were noteworthy :)

Spy infodumping! I know this can be interpreted as him being frustrated and "of course he knows the specific details of his suit, he's rich and rich people are just like that!" but. In my heart I know it's More Than That.

Also these panels stuck out to me because of Spy's bluntness here. This isn't him trying to be cruel or anything, he literally just doesn't realize him being matter-of-fact is gonna upset Ms. Pauling. I also think it's interesting how he handles her crying as it shows that he's not good at being vulnerable or emotional with others, and keep in mind that he's friends with Ms. Pauling too. This is supported by the fact that in order to express his pride to a dying Scout, he has to disguise himself as Tom Jones. Even in an important moment Spy has to use a disguise as a buffer between his feelings and his true self. Or maybe he's unable to identify his true feelings unless he's in the headspace of another person.

ok that's it for now, I feel like I lost a lot of my thoughts about this in the process and I know for sure that I haven't shared all my thoughts because I feel like this is too headcanon-y as it is or didn't know where to fit things, but yeah Spy is autistic too :)

#tf2 #spy tf2 #a lot of these things have been stuck in my mind #when i got home from class today i immediately went to start researching the tf2 wiki and the tf2 comics for extra ammo #i dont develop the fanon parts out of nowhere #i try to use what information i have from the source material and let it grow #like a petri dish if you will....

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knickynoo · 1 year

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I'm growing disillusioned with the BTTF fandom because of the growing amount of M*mmett shippers. I'm sick of the Jennifer and Clara slander with them, I'm sick of them trying to justify this ship even though MARTY'S A CHILD, and I'm sick of how OOC they're making Marty and Doc. This is the reason why I'm sick of hearing theories about how Doc was SAing Marty, because A. it's just feeding into that theory, and B. If that theory continues to grow, it's going to discredit the whole trilogy.

I understand your frustration, and I feel it a lot myself when navigating the fandom. It does feel like the Mammett shippers are much more active and vocal lately, which is as exhausting as it is disturbing. Trying to find fanfics is an especially risky endeavor.

I'll insert a read-more because I'm going to speak honestly here, and this can be a triggering topic for some.

I've been pretty vocal about the fact I don't tolerate those shippers, and I try my best to not knowingly interact with them. I just can't wrap my mind around the whole thing--the way they're so set on trying to justify it, even though there IS no justifying it. One of the main defenses is the "Marty is almost EIGHTEEN" nonsense. Get out of here with that. First of all, he met Doc when he was 13-years-old, so I'm gonna go ahead and assume their "headcanons" involve Doc basically grooming Marty from that age. And even if Marty *was* 18, it makes literally no difference. 18 may be legally an adult, but mentally, that's still very much a kid. The human brain doesn't fully develop until mid to late twenties (and into early 30s, according to current studies!) There is just no way to make it okay.

Like. Good job, they turned Doc into a predator.

And I don't care that it's fiction. There are many dark and twisted aspects of fiction people can safely enjoy without condoning the things in real life, but I draw the line at things like this. People being so obsessed and clinging so tightly to a pedophilic relationship disturbs me to my very core, and it does nothing but put up red flags.

(I also think a part of this whole issue in fandom is connected to what I've mentioned in the past: people being bizarrely unable to process platonic love, especially when it's between two guys. Everything has to be turned into romance for some reason. No. Let people have deep friendships and show love to each other without making it weird. Let two guys hug and be affectionate and emotionally close without being that person who goes: "There's literally no other explanation for this aside from them being romantically in love." Stop, stop, stopstopstopppp. Platonic love is SO IMPORTANT.)

I'm so weary of it. I'll also probably lose followers for this (I lost several with my initial anti-mammett post) and I don't care.

Just know that there are many in the fandom who don't participate in this ship and, in fact, actively fight against it.

#asks #back to the future #bttf #marty mcfly #doc brown #*muffled frustrated screaming*

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fairycosmos · 11 months

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Ik ED’s come from such a bad place but I have to admit so often it feels like a punishment for wanting so little. Like, at some point it just feels absurd I can eat one meal every 2 days and still not lose weight.. like, surely eventually something has to happen right? Like.. right? Even tempering it like only wanting to lose a pound or two it just ..doesn’t happen. I don’t understand. At this point for me frustration nigh eclipses any original goal and I just want to see SOME change, like, anything. Sorry for being insane in your inbox, idk if anyone else feels this way.

yeah i totally feel this and i think a lot of people do TBH....it might be a little different or more extreme for you as i've never actually been diagnosed with an ED but as someone whose definitely struggled with long-term food issues the absolute frustration of it was one of the main things that mentally burned me out for a long time.....like i rmr being 15 and working out and eating less for days only to get on the scale and not lose anything and just like bursting into tears and almost passing out from how tired i was.....and TBH there's so many nuanced reasons for it like we all have our own unique bodies and metabolisms and genetics and they're usually incompatible without whatever crazy bodily ideal we've pictured in our heads.....and the evilness of ED's/food issues is that the illness really does count on your anger and pain and disappointment to motivate you like. even if you were to lose 1 or 2 pounds you wouldn't feel that sense of satisfaction you're after, at least not for long. your sick brain would just move the goal posts and set another probably more insane target for you to reach and then get mad at yourself and punish yourself when you don't (because we're not built to. like literally.) and so the cycle persists. and the worst part is like when you're in the middle of these episodes you don't care about any of this, the logistics of it, and in fact you're often inspired by how unhealthy you're being because it makes you feel like you're winning in some fucked up way. but really you're just prolonging you're own irritation at yourself, your own mental anguish. it's messed up, and i'm really sorry you're dealing with it. i know it's absolutely exhausting, and i'm sure you already know all this. just wanted to offer some understanding and also some encouragement - that you do deserve to help yourself and take care of yourself, that you're not doing anything wrong by not being what your illness wants you to be. i really hope you have (or are able to build over time) a support network and/or find a compatible professional to help you deal with this and manage it in a low-risk way, even if it it's a long and painful journey to get to that point. thank u for sharing this with me and being vulnerable with me, i know it's not easy to be so frank about something so hard. x

#tw ed #anon

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dragonfireandice · 6 months

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I am so FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYTHING. Fuck. My partner realizes what an absolute bastard he's been to me increasingly across the relationship, to the point where he himself describes his actions as abusive, and he wants to get his shit straight, because he treasures me, because I am the best fucking thing in his life, and he lost sight of that. That I don't deserve any of the treatment I've gotten and he needs to resolve several issues so he doesn't lash out like that. He recognizes that I've put up with shit no one else would, that I would always be in the right for leaving him if I did.

I feel a tiny bit hopeful. I tell him that the only reason we're still together is because I'm trying to get financially stable so we can have that conversation. So I can lay out the reality of what the consequences of his actions, inactions, and irresponsiblities are.

He wants to do better.

We have a good day.

And then because I don't agree with his wanton desire to throw everything away, including things I've purchased, he decided to say some unnecessary shit to ramp up my stress before bed.

"Why was that necessary?" "I guess because I was annoyed with you."

Thanks. THANKS. Nevermind that neither of us have been getting the best sleep lately, nevermind that my sleep has been worse than yours, but you don't care because you have a job and I have the "luxury" of trying to get more, like I'm some spoiled, pampered princess who doesn't do anything.

Nevermind everything I do that goes unappreciated and unseen.

Nevermind that I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Nevermind that I have to get passionately incensed for you to take me even slightly seriously. That I have to fight for my voice to be heard.

Nevermind what I'm going through, my stress, my existence.

Just keep dumping your problems on me, the violent intrusive thoughts you refuse to do anything about, the standards you're frustrated you can't keep so you give me shit for it instead, the insecurities you could solve literally just by reaching out to your friends instead of talking about them behind their back, the s*icidal ideation, the anger, the frustrations, the unrealistic expectations, the manic epiphanies, everything you should bring to a therapist but won't.

And when I'm not okay? When I need help? Keep that general lack of empathy and care coming. It's great.

Why do you think I don't ask you for help anymore?

I ask and don't get it.

I ask and get treated like a child, like I'm the lesser part of the relationship because I need help.

I'm just your emotional punching bag.

And I am so, so tired.

I know I deserve better. I know I've put up with so much I shouldn't have. I know the rose tinted lenses were on too tight for too long.

If you want to change, I need to see it, really see it, I can't keep doing this all talk and no walk routine. I have so little left to give you.

I know this was one thing. Maybe even one little thing to you. I know I gave you shit for it last night and we talked it through. But it's one more thing on top of a mountain of other things. I need the walk. I need the action. I can't keep doing this. I thought for a second I might not need it, but we're back on track to have that conversation once my financial situation is better.

I'm so tired.

#mellologue #crying out to the void #tw relationship /#tw abuse /#tw suicidal ideation (not me shared with me) /

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krisseratops · 6 months

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Hi! How about A9, B9 and C6? Oh, and D10!

Hiiii hon! Alright lets see...

A9. Who was your first ship?

The earliest ship I remember that I got actually invested in is Reaper76 from Overwatch. I mean, traumatized old gay men who like to shoot at each other and have a HistoryTM? It covers all the basics for me. Also this ship is what made me find AO3, so it kinda introduced me to fandom as a whole and is therefore technically responsible for all the madness that came after it.

B9. Who is your OTP?

You know, I was going to say this is a hard question because I have so many pairings I like in several fandoms and I dont really pick favorites because I like different aspects about them and also Im indecisive. And then I remembered Symbrock. And nothing really comes near the level of absolutely messy devotion of (comics!)Symbrock. So yeah.

C6. Is there anything in canon that made you want to quit the show? What was it? Why do you hate it?

Oh boy, here we go... So not a show, but allllll the shit Cates did with absolute garbage & co and what came after essentially made me quit venom comics and comics in general. Do I even need to explain myself? Like I was keeping up with Venom and also Spider-man and some others because it was fun and enjoyable. And then came the egregious retconning, inconsistencies, character butchering (both how they were written but also literally), characters dying and coming back and dying again and coming back again and fucking gods apparently and how every single issue was The Most Shocking And Dramatic Things The Characters Have Ever Been Through and everything is just edgy and grimdark and angsty and so fucking STUPID and it was just. It wasnt fun or enjoyable anymore, only exhausting and frustrating and sad. And not sad like a sad story makes you feel, but sad like watching something you care about irreparably crash and burn in real time without being able to do anything about it and knowing you can never have it back the way it was (which there is enough of IRL). So I powered through until king in black where I just said "reading this bullshit is draining and depressing and doesnt bring me anything, its not worth it anymore so fuck it" and just stopped. And with my main reason for reading comics gone I ditched marvel comics altogether because lets be honest keeping up with all the different stories and timelines and crossovers and whatnot is exhausting cuz theres just so damn much going on all the time. And why torment yourself with shitty canon when you can have wonderful fanfics tailored to your specific tastes all for free? So I quit comics, read fics instead, got into some new fandoms, indulged my hc and have ever since been living blissfully unaware of the burning dumpster fire (derogatory) that is canon. I only see glimpses of it when it crosses my dash, which I use for cherrypicking for my hc and aggressively ignore the rest.

D10. What is one story idea you really want to read but no one has written yet?

I have a whole lot of story ideas I really want to read (my hcs) that no one has written yet (that would be cuz of me not writing them). But for real, I would love more stories with symbiote & spider-people shenanigans. Like there was this one comic of Peter, Miles and Gwen meeting Venom and fighting Doc Ock toghether and they were kinda buddies? More stuff like that, that has spider/symbiote interaction besides them just trying to kill each other. Maybe it exists and I just havent found it. But like, Venom in spiderverse, they have to team up with the spider gang and they kinda get along because he doesnt have any personal beef with them. He will absolutely recite and discuss Shakespear with that medieval spiderman, be enamored with little Mayday, and be nothing but gentlemanly toward spider ma'am. The other spiders find that "yeah he is freaky and has some dubious morals but isnt actually just an evil monster, he just doesnt like you Peter". The Peter in question does not like it one bit. Him and Venom (barely) tolerate each other, as they always do when they team up, but are constantly petty and passive aggressive towards each other in a funny way, bickering like an old married couple. Because of the nature of their history they also know stuff about each other and will casually drop highly personal details about the other that makes the other spiders go "👀 you sure he's your enemy and not just your ex?". Which Peter likes even less. Other story ideas i desperately need is ANYTHING WITH ANTI-VENOM HOLY SHIT WHERE IS MY BABY!?!?!?! I need stories that let him be a silly dumbass and a pathetic wet beast and occasionally getting railed that dont just exist in my head. But the amount of content on him is just dismal. I often feel like the sole inhabitant of the ghost town that is the Anti-Venom fandom. I've come across one (1) quality fic that portrays him properly (thank you @kitausuret for your invaluable service) and good art is hard to come by compared to other characters. And I realize that if I want more art of him and an Anti-Venom x Agent Venom arch-enemies-to-reluctant-allies-to-even-more-reluctant-friends-to-how-the-hell-did-this-happen excruciating slow burn, I will probably have to do it myself, which hghgnghgnhhh will take forever, but oh well.

Well, this sorta turned into an essay that turned into an impromptu vent post. Hope thats okay and you got your answers!

#Ask #Rant #Headcanons

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redysetdare · 8 months

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As another non-split aroace, you're so correct for saying that we're treated as the punching bags of both aro and ace communities. Like if y'all can accept and support straight aros and aces but are hostile towards aroaces, you're just aphobic. Yes even if you're aro/ace yourself. Aro spaces nowadays literally have the same attitude towards aroaces that exclusionists used to have towards asexuals, that we're weird freaks bringing purity culture into their "safe" communities just by existing and therefore need to be pushed out. And ace spaces still act like we're the bad guys and need to be pushed out of their "safe" communities because we can't romantically love other people, which makes us heartless monsters apparently. It's just exhausting. I've never seen aroaces being so hostile towards non-ace aros and non-aro aces, we're always trying to uplift their voices and bring awareness to their issues. But the moment we try to talk about our own issues in aromantic or asexual spaces we're told to shut up and let them speak over us because we somehow have it better than them. Not to mention the pressure to split your experiences into aro vs ace and prioritise one part of your identity over the other if you want to be taken seriously in those spaces. Like sorry but for some of us our aroaceness is interwined not split. But we're still aros and aces, still a part of your community. Stop trying to push us out of our own communities on the basis of aphobic stereotypes.

Honestly I've been kinda biting my tongue on it for a while because I understand why Aro and Ace ppl have been trying to separate the communities. it can be frustrating to constantly be paired with an identity that you don't relate to - but i feel like so many ppl have taken it way to far. They've taken the relatively understandable stance of "Aromantic and Asexual are not the same identity" and pushed it to the extreme of "Aro and Ace are so completely different they have nothing in common and NO overlap" and the worst part is i don't think anyone has particularly noticed.

Idk I was most active in the aro and ace communities when we still kinda shared communities. the idea that aro and ace were separate was still a thing (hell, aroaces were the ones helping to push that distinction. we wanted people to recognize our aro identities too, yknow.) but we recognized the overlap and similarities and supported each other... now it just feels like im seeing post after post reminding people not every aro or ace person is aroace and that people shouldt tag aro posts as ace and vice versa and "no ace people cant relate to aro experiences" "no aro people cant relate to ace experiences" because "They are so different they are completely not the same and don't have any overlapping problems at all" and as an aroace it sucks!

it sucks feeling forgotten in my own communities.

It's almost feeling like they are blaming us for there being this idea that people are are Ace must also be aro and people who are aro must also be ace. Like they know they cant get mad at the allos so they get mad at aroaces and act like we are the reason allos think this way. It's like aroaceness is only brought up to talk about how "Not everyone is aroace" or "aroace characters are so much more prevalent in media (Proceeds to only talk about ace characters)" or how aroace ppl must have an identity that means more to them - how their aro or ace identity must be more important or effect them more because they can't possibly intertwined and overlap and "hey you tagged your post with aro and ace tags but obviously its only about aromanticism/only about asexuality so remove some of those tags because it's annoying me" or worse I see aromantics being acephobic or asexuals being arophobic and it's like.... where do i fit in?

people think aroace ppl ran both communities as 1 community and they say it was bad and that we need to separate - but from my perspective it was two communities who worked together. the only difference now is that aroace ppl are getting pushed to the side. thrown under the bus. "you dont need rep you have tons of rep. society loves giving aroace rep!" and "not everyone is aroace. you're experience isn't universal and so you shouldn't talk about it" Aroace voices just got smaller. we got quieter. because our own communities decided we were privileged. we were more accepted than they were. or worse that we were actually the real freaks for not feeling both sexual and romantic attraction. we weren't palatable enough - there was nothing that could be used to normalize us. and besides, it was easier to just only fight for one set of rights, right?

and part of me understands it. it sucks. it sucks to always be a footnote. but guess what - aro and aces and aroaces are footnotes of the queer community. we're stuck here together and instead we're fighting over who's the more important footnote. we are all in the same boat and we're acting like we're not and trying to sink the ship forgetting we're all on it together.

#asks #and to be clear this isn't saying that other aspecs asking for rep or asking for recognition is a bad thing that was never the issue #it's not about how aroallo people or alloace ppl are bad or evil or oppressors #this isn't about how arospec or acespec people are all actually out to get aroace people #this is about an experience aroace people sometimes have within aro and ace spaces because certain aros and aces decide we aren't worthy #because certain aros and aces decide we dont belong #anyways sorry this took so long to answer I was trying to word it in a way that was understandable #and hopefully in a way ppl wouldnt misinterpret #but then i realized ppl who have bad faith will purposefully do that #so i shouldn't worry too much #ppl who look at it in good faith will have a conversation with me. ppl who look at it in bad faith are just the people im talking about.

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seeminglyseph · 8 days

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reading Dungeon Meshi like 'hmmmm.... yeah. I *should* make the effort to put together a good breakfast.'

sometimes it feels shitty because like. it's hard to make food matter to me. but fuck it. sometimes I can. and I know part of it is that I just need to like... have control over my life, and because I have an unhealthy living environment food ends up one of the things that gets made collateral damage of me having mental health issues. because like... I'll literally be eating one things and my mom will walk up and be like "there's other food you could be eating why aren't you eating that?" and it's like. literally just eating is an intense fucking personal negotiation and personal politics game of planning and bartering and never 'I wanted to eat this thing' or whatever, it's like balancing my mom's reactions and my mental health and eating disorder and whether I can maintain an appetite in the face of overbearing control?

It has gotten stressful enough in the past where I just end up puking instead of eating. so it's like. difficult and very stressful. and I'm just feeling so on edge right now. I know my like. blood pressure? is high right now for some reason. I guess probably because I'm like. my period is so irregular and I think stress makes it worse and it's fucking. supposed to happen. I don't know why it's just not happening. It's supposed to have happened. It's not like I'm skipping a period 'cause I'm pregnant, maybe I'm just stressed. but like. it's always weird when my resting bpm goes from from like 59 to 66 for the week. it usually means PMS and I'm about to have my period. and in general I feel stressed and sick and exhausted and I just. feel like I don't have a whole lot of patience??? and right now it's just like. "I'm not always available, stop asking me to take off my headphones and talk to you especially when it's like. 'hey I talked to you five minutes ago, I don't have anything new to say, just chatting again' and I'm in the middle of stuff you just happened to walk by me again.' like we share a space and I'm wearing headphones and we've talked about this. me existing in your line of sight doesn't mean I'm available." I feel like I'm gonna explode. or come across like a bad person just for having to keep having the conversation like "just because you can see me doesn't mean I'm open for conversation, sometimes I need to just have some time to myself. I wear headphones because I don't want to force you to be quiet when I'm in a shared space, but you cannot assume I'm always listening to you, or that I'm always ready and willing to listen to you. It is difficult and kind of frustrating to be trying to focus or work on something and be constantly interrupted."

Like, yes we are working on cleaning out and renovating the room that will become my office but my mom has just now decided that she's changed her mind and she wants to remove the carpet and redo the flooring which depending on if she actually does it might add a week or 6 months-2 years to the project. I have no way of knowing. The room has already sat for three years full of junk with a promise of being cleaned. so it's hard to know when things will be done. and with summer coming up and my mom's priorities immediately going out the window when there's outside things to be done it's like. impossible for me to really count on anything. All the windows in that area of the house are the original from when the house was built and have pretty terrible insulation. she doesn't see that as a huge issue, but the pain on one of the walls of the room has a large bulge of water damage from the window condensation dripping down and damaging the paint job, so if we repaint whatever the wall I gotta figure out what we're doing. And I think I wanna change the lighting situation because to be honest the lighting in those rooms is kinda bullshit. Having lived in those rooms most of my life. I'm not sure if she's willing to listen though because half the time I will wake up and she's done something on her own.

She says we are living together collaboratively, but it's definitely me living in her house and she doesn't want me to exert too much control or do anything too far because it's not *really* my space. She's still thinking more of resale value than customization. which is fine but like... it makes *me* feel temporary sometimes. I feel like a renter who can't risk too much damage, because the renovations are actually for next tenant not me, the person living here.

And I know a lot of people are like "yeah of course your mom's probably ready have you out of here, you've really overstayed your welcome. you're way too old to live at home." and I feel that pretty hard for sure. severe disability makes that a lot more difficult in reality. a lack of resources and a surplus of debt, a housing crisis and an economic collapse... and just. I dunno I suck I guess? does it help if I just admit that I suck? I fell for some scam schools? I had a some bad medical treatment that fucked up my brain and body? I dealt with a lot of abuse? Honestly a lot of that support people are supposed to get growing up just kinda didn't happen for me? Sometimes I was just unlucky or stupid? I don't know. In the end, I get it. I'm not in the most respectable place right now. but it still sucks. It sucks to need help and like. If you have a kid you gotta like... accept sometimes that kid is gonna have a disability, might have chronic illnesses and need help.

I know that sounds so fucking selfish, but even for people that aren't me. Like what's the time limit of taking care of a kid that has a disability? like if it wasn't me, if it wasn't a 35 yr-old nerd you felt okay making fun of mooching off their mom, is it cool being like 'yeah there's a time limit for when you're allowed to be taken care of and in need of support and help?' because that's kinda a terrifying thought. because admitting I need help in life is like. The reality of my existence. I'm afraid to live alone because I feel like there have been moments where I've needed help. But at the same time it puts me at the mercy of someone. And being at the mercy of someone is really... shit. At least when that someone is extremely controlling. and in a lot of my experience people get really controlling when they help people because after a while it's like... 'I have a right to control what you do because you're going to ask me to help you with the repercussions. and if I have to deal with the repercussions, I should control what you do.'

Which spins back to my mom getting really really controlling over my diet. She ends up feeling that she can make me un-sick if she has complete control over what I eat, and she's felt that way since, obviously, I was a kid. unfortunately she doesn't often have a lot of knowledge about food. And went through a big Dr Oz phase. I got put on fad diets like the one where I couldn't have any sugars or carbs or starches when I was 18, hell when I hit puberty and started putting on fat like... a normal AFAB teenager does there was a lot of concern and I ended up uh. having a diet that consisted largely of a stick of beef jerky and one bottle of pepsi a day for most of the year while I was also doing sports, I was in school at the time so she didn't have a lot of control over things at that time just commenting on things like how jiggly my thighs were getting and stuff. then when I got a job at a drug store and bought myself snacks and gained rebound weight it was... like. the worlds greatest tragedy. "You have your father's genes. And soon you'll fit into them." was her great zinger. Ironically like. Yeah, I did have my dad's genes. I was like his side of the family, short and stout. And my mom's side of the family was fucking skinny. so part of it is like... my mom just really struggled with the idea of 'why can't you just not put on weight like I don't???' like sorry I got dwarf genes instead of ethereal elf genetics bitch.

this has turned into like the most unhinged rant, I have no idea. I'm sore, I'm tired, and my heart is beating kinda weird. I just ugh. everything feels gross right now. I feel stressed and frustrated and I don't know specifically what I want or need? but I feel like I can't express it properly.

#my life

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thoughtdump · 2 years

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Frustrating as fuck to see Evgenia’s statement on the ban of Russian athletes because I saw her as one of the more sensible/progressive Russian athletes….

They either really do not understand why their athletes are being banned or they do & they don’t give a shit/are being made to say pro-Russian statements. Either way, this whole victim persona they all put on is so fucking ridiculous. The only victims these athletes are are to their own countries abusive regime. Not any other country, not the IOC or ISU, nobody else but Russia. Don’t want to be banned? Have your government not start a genocide on Ukrainian people. Don’t want to have your team medal taken away? Don’t drug 15 year olds. Want your country to be represented? Don’t have a state run doping system where you cheat & lie & steal & expect everyone to just be okay with it because you’re you & we should all bow down to the “motherland”. Do you see any other country doing this shit? You know damn well if it were ANY other country who has the doping abuse Russia does that Russians would be beyond pissed off, throwing their tantrums & everything else because “it’s unfair”. Because guess what …!!! It IS unfair!!!!

And as for the reason they’re banned, the war, you are NOT the victims here. Ukrainian people & children are dying, they’re being raped & slaughtered & dumped around like garbage & their homes, lives, everything they’ve known & loved are being destroyed by YOUR government so shut the fuck up about being “migrants.” Especially when Ukrainian’s are forced to be literal Migrants because of Putin! Wtf! To even compare yourself to such a serious, very real humanitarian crisis is so beyond comprehension. How dare you. You’re so out of touch with reality it’s actually mind blowing. & I feel sorry for Russians who get this fucking brainwashed because it’s not fair to them & it’s not right. Even I gave them more credit but the distortion & overall Stockholm Syndrome of some Russians is so fucking sickening.

So many of us, myself included, tried to give them the benefit of the doubt, tried to cover all the bases as to why they say & think what they do. Is it all the propaganda & brainwashing? Or do they know better? Is it a statement they’re being told to make against their will? Or is it how they truly feel. Was she the vessel they used to spread this message because she did make seemingly anti-war posts so this is her “punishment”? Or do they just need their money now so they don’t care about the war anymore. Do they even know the truth at all? Can you blame them if they don’t know the truth? Is the silence because they can’t say anything? Or is it because they simply don’t want to. No matter the reason, at this point it’s too exhausting to try & hear them out when this type of shit keeps happening. It goes without saying that it’s not every Russian, I know that. The same way it isn’t every citizen of every country that has issues but my god. Two things can be true at once, we can know that they’ve been brainwashed & also not put up with their shit. I have no more patience for them anymore.

Russian athletes should not be allowed to compete & you fucking know it. IMAGINE, if the tables were turned. Hypocrites. No one wants you there because people don’t like cheaters & they want a fair chance at medals. Some of us don’t have to abuse, drug & treat our athletes like machines rather than humans to win medals. Take away all your cheating/abuse & you’re nothing. (& no, I’m not saying abuse doesn’t exist in other places because I know it does & I’m not saying none of the Russian skaters are naturally very talented because of course they are but come on) The ISU/IOC/whoever shouldn’t have even given you the right to be called ROC or OAR or any other bullshit “non representative” label they give you after Sochi just to appease you. There are real fucking issues in the world, people dying & Evgenia’s entitled statement, along with all the other Russian athletes who have done similar shit is so disappointing. Especially from Evgenia for me.

Nobody cares about Russian athlete’s feelings while their Ukrainian neighbors have to wonder if they or their loved ones will be alive for tomorrow. Get over yourselves, take it up with your own federation/country since they’re the problem here, not the rest of the functioning world. This is real life. (I understand that they’re put in such horrendous situations because of their government. I know that speaking out against Russia is serious & they’re in very tricky spots in regards to that but still, others have & regardless, that’s my whole point. It’s sad.)

💙💛

#figure skating #russian figure skating #evgenia medvedeva #Евгения Медведева #sorry about THAT rant #I’m just so sick of it & have a lot of feelings lol #I also do understand that it’s Russia & Russia is dangerous & that they can’t speak out #but unless she was forced to make this statement then she didn’t HAVE to #eteri tutberidze #team tutberidze #kamila valieva #Камила Валиева #alina zagitova #anna shcherbakova #алина загитова #анна щербакова

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condomatsu · 5 months

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Not going to continue this too much, but your response to those asks were eye rolling levels of deflection on what the core issue being pointed out to you is, and that's that your comments do come off very much like you just complaining that people think Rose and Kanaya are lesbians. I read the other parts of your post, and I'm sure the other anon did too—I didn't have a problem with it, so I had nothing to say. We know what your larger point is but when you start the post off just complaining that there are people who don't want to see Rose and Kanaya shipped with boys it's a little difficult not to latch onto that. Especially when certain subsects of the fandom love to spend their time spinning their wheels to say why no homestuck character is Actually a lesbian. I agree that there are problems with the fandom making characters one-note, although most of the people making rosemary one-note are people who aren't very invested in them to begin with. Bare in mind that Rose and Kanaya are both very popular characters, and there are definitely people both shipping them and otherwise recognizing their depth outside of just "the Lesbians". They're definitely sidelined by people who don't care about them, but that isn't really a problem that can be fixed in any way other than by sharing content by people more invested in them

On the note of sexuality confirmations: Hussie has been very clear about their intent with Kanaya being that she's a lesbian. Both with the big formspring ask and in subsequent comments Hussie has never really backed down on that. Rose has a considerably more dubious state (she HAS been called a lesbian by Hussie, and I definitely think she is, but she certainly didn't get a detailed write-up like Kanaya did. Just an off-handed comment in a sea of jackassed book commentary). But she is very much lesbian coded. A character never showing interest in men in the comic doesn't mean she can't be bi, but it's hard to argue that there can't be some clear intent there when we only ever see her express attraction to women, in a comic where it would've been very easy to make her say, have a crush on John pre act 6. I think Hussie had rosemary in mind as an endgame quite a bit before act 6 personally, and most people who don't see it in act 5 either didn't because they shipped them with other characters, or because they were deliberately obtuse. (Insert rant about fandoms having a consistent problem with not recognizing sapphic subtext until it's literally thrown in their faces). There's a reason grimd/rks didn't go anywhere and rosemary did, it definitely wasn't just thrown in lol. Whirling back to the Kanaya comment, Hussie said Other Trolls might see Kanaya's sexuality as a fetish. Bare in mind that trolls don't have a concept of sexuality, you pointed this out yourself, it definitely could've been worded better but Hussie wasn't trying to say that that's actually what her lesbianism is, just that that's how Alternian society would see it. So on the note of your post, and why I said your comments read as lesbophobic: shipping Kanaya with Karkat isn't lesbian erasure, I don't see shipping that way, but trying to say she's pansexual very much is. Ofc it seems like you said that more from a place of ignorance than anything, so I'm sorry if my criticisms read as too snappy, but please understand that this is the kind of stuff lesbian fans have had to deal with for years, and it's exhausting having to justify how two characters can be lesbians over and over to people. I'm not asking you to change your views on shipping or anything, just to have an honest reflection on why your comments might be a little frustrating to read from a lesbian perspective

I understand. I could have worded it better I think. As you can see by my multiple spelling errors and edits, I don't really re-read much what I write, I also tend to repeat myself a lot, so I guess I've used the wrong words to describe something else (as I said multiple times, the rosemary ship or the characters' sexualities wasn't the central point of the post).

I personally don't believe in character's sexuality ereasure in fandoms, exept maybe in extreme cases; I mentioned it because I know most people see this as an issue. And anyways - even if she wasn't lesbian - most people already headcanons Kanaya as such, but she is and canon will not change just because some (few, honestly*) people don't see her as such, so I don't (personally) see it as a problem and, as I stated in the original post, you're def entitled to feel uncomfortable about it and not wanting people like me (who thinks Kanaya is just unlabeled, since she's a troll) interacting with you.

*in this fandom at least. I know many fandoms where this IS a problem, especially when canon sexuality is an important part of THE story and charcater's self discovery, which I don't think was the case for Rose and Kanaya - them being lesbians or pan or bi wouldn't change much about their story (I think, feel free to disagree of course, I won't talk for you and other lesbians for obvious reasons)

I think though that it is normal for non-lesbians to not get the sapphic undertones of a relationship that isn't "thrown in their faces"; it's basically a culture, much like any other sexuality and identity. I might myself haven't been able to catch it since I'm not lesbian. It's obviously frustrating, I really get it - I have experienced things like this myself when a character was very pansexual and/or transmasc coded - but as long as somebody isn't disrespectful (something that I really hope I wasn't) I don't see the problem.

And of course Hussie did intended them to be endgame before act6! I stated this in my first post too, saying they were firstly intended to be moirails (a ROMANTIC type of relationship) before anything else. What I was complaining about was how rushed it was. They talked before meteostuck etc etc, but had less interaction than other famous ships (I used grimdorks as an example), and during meteortrip they had *one* date on screen and then they were girlfriends. The rest is offscreen and if even I am frustrated about this, I can't imagine how lesbians felt for this; it was just so quick (maybe it's me though? I am a slow burn sucker).

At the end, I used rosemary as an incipit to talk about the issue of seeing a character - which is worse if they're a female and/or part of a minority character - as one characteristic they have and not the whole of said character (but you already know this, I'm just repeating myself). And no, I don't think showing people who are not interested in them content about Rose, Kanaya, Vriska etc would fix the problem, I personally think (this is MY theory, of course you can disagree, since the problem is clearly more complex than a tumblr post made by a random (me)) that by saturating the fandom with more genuine content about them, showing genuine and good interest about the character (as their entirety) can make other people interested; not everyone, maybe not even the majority, but it would still be a point of start!

And, lastly, yes, I get it how it could have read as an attack to the ship or the characters' sexualities, but it really wasn't! I love the ship myself and I wanted to say that everyone can view the characters' identities as however they want - but you know this too aijiosajd.

I hope this will be the last post/response about this. I made it long etc for other people too, so when they have a doubt about my intentions etc they can see this explaination.

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paopuofhearts · 5 months

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Time for some personal emotion dumping on being Native and Jewish.

(Dont comment with some "wow this is an unfair take" bullshit you will be blocked because fuck you its not about you, even if you're Native and / or Jewish, this is my personal frustration that I am sending to the void because Im tired of only talking to my partner about it).

Lets start with I fucking hate everyone on all sides because literally no one wants to struggle through shit to actually build bridges, they just want to sit in their "I'm right your wrong" or "I'm afraid for valid reasons" camps.

Like.

I know the internet isn't real (by which I mean the internet is not a trustworthy or reliable source of information and the internet is not at all any form of activism space). But god it fucking sucks to just be continuously bombarded with either:

- Israel has done nothing wrong

- We can't be bothered to do anything productive because people are mean and dangerous to us in progressive spaces

Which. I get it. I really fucking get it. But at the same time: why the fuck isnt anyone working to do anything about it?

Like. Im in a pretty fucking liberal city. I teach. And a lot of the shit I teach is dealing with handling current events and indigenous issues - including starting from scratch and introducing basic vocabulary to people about what things mean (from Indigenous and Settler-Colonialism and Nation States to Zionism and Native Identity and Basic Judaism).

Half the adults I work with refuse to consider anything but their own ideas, and students take after that. Thats fair for students, to an extent, but like - adults? In an education setting? Where we're literally spending time talking about Empathy and Community Building and Restorative Justice - and you refuse to fucking listen to anyone but yourself? (And its not just White people - its Black educators, other Native educators, the whole fucking spectrum).

Then I go out to help with movements in my city and I have to hear bullshit about how Zionism Is The Devils Work while trying to support groups pressing for a ceasefire.

Then I go to my synagogue and when it's not being evacuated due to shooting threats no one wants to talk about what's happening and they actively start to cold shoulder you for bringing it up.

So I try for other Jewish community works only to get bombarded by people online with "wow you're a traitor they're using you it's co-opted".

Like.

Fucking hell.

There's no such thing as Purity Politics. It isn't realistic to think Israel will be dismantled. It isn't realistic to think Palestinians will be moved. It isn't realistic to expect that the activist work you do that goes for good reasons won't be full of people there for wrong reasons.

But damn does everyone wanna fucking judge and isolate people for trying.

Honestly at this point Im just like. Fuck my Jewish community for refusing to engage. Fuck my Native community for refusing to be compassionate. Fuck my online community for perpetuating this shit. And fuck everyone who thinks its a black and white situation where there can only be one winner.

Im exhausted and I hate everything and I hate that doing anything positive is so heavily scrutinized and dragged over the coals as some sort of disloyal deception.

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ghostiewriter · 1 year

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Someone phrased it perfectly on a TikTok, and I'm sorry I don't have the link, but I'll see if I can find it, but people saying the reasons for Maddie and Rudy drifting apart is "the fans fault" is bull. Okay, but like I haven't heard people shipping Rudy and Madison since like 2020. Like Rudy, babe, of course people are gonna ship your characters, those two are literally one of the most beautiful parts of the damn show. There are so many actors who are happily married and still get shipped. They don't look like they're about commit triple homicide. They just play it off and Bon Voyage their way through life. People ship your characters dude, characters. I mean if not the fans, at least have a little bit of respect for your costars, who clearly love you and actually enjoy promoting the show everyone worked so hard to make. And yea, the fact that he's distanced himself from the WHOLE cast, the character and the show makes it pretty damn obvious that it isn't just an issue with the fans shipping. Not once, did I see Rudy have a genuine smile on his face throughout the whole press tour. Like boy, you're such a great person, I love you, marry me please (jk jk forgive me E****), but right now your behavior is exhausting. And I really don't wanna to say it, and I swear I mean no disrespect to anyone, but I'm sure she who must not be named has something to do with it. The way she had him on a lead during the whole press tour, watched him like the creepy old guy at the gas station while he was doing interviews, flashed the dirtiest looks at literal TEENAGERS. This is on top of being an entitled, racist, homophobic bitch. It's laughable how narcissistic and manipulative she is and I'm just waiting for our boy to open his eyes, take a breather and realize he's putting out his frustration on all the wrong people/things.

Sorry for my rant! LOVED the latest chapter of P&P! GTG my cousin's in labor 9 days early and her husband's out of state for a business trip and her parents live in Calgary so I'm gonna go chill with her until they get to the hospital why is everything so chaotic it's Sunday 😭 BYE

I genuinely couldn’t have said it better myself. Like even beyond the shipping and the characters and the show, just basic respect and acknowledgment to your coworkers would be really fucking nice??

ALSO BLESS THANK YOU AND CONGRATULATIONS/GOOD LUCK TO YOUR SISTER!!!! Hope everything goes well for the newest wee addition to your family!!🤍we love a bit of sunday chaos💀very on brand with f1 tbh

#ask

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incarnateirony · 8 months

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For those of you who have been following the Startup Business Drama and Vacation Man, I've got a convo behind the cut for you. Bearing in mind this man came banging at my door at 130 AM to prove how Here For Me he is after fucking off for upwards of 3 weeks at a critical time period without doing any of his promises beforehand. Like literally I pretended not to hear it because, holy shit dude, it's 130 AM, it's not my fault you can't manage your life. But he knocked until the cops showed up asking what was going on.

(Vacation Boy) — Today at 4:19 PM I agree we need to talk about several things yes. I figured I would come by either Sunday or Monday night after we have both had a few days to calm down and be pain free. I'm in excruciating pain and exhausted from this trip myself and I got back to the house that was completely wrecked. I've got at least a week's worth of trash I got to deal with and a pile of their laundry that's as big as I am just to start was before I can even do my own. I even took a muscle relaxer myself last night and it did absolutely nothing for me.

EXPY P2P — Today at 4:25 PM I honestly do not prefer in person discussion. And that stands with or without awkward conversations. My brain does not assemble thoughts well in person, everything gets lost, I become frustrated even at myself, and it causes manic spirals of anger. There is a reason I am fighting so hard for chat, not voice jobs, even if will accept voice jobs. It is a legitimate disability I do not think people understand. It's not just exhausting by nature of talking costing energy, which it does, but of a neurodiverse issue and the methods my brain functions at, which is why half the time I just. Stare or have long responses or just sit there sorting through things visually, and I inevitably lose what I've said or haven't covered yet, whereas text allows the ability to track back what has and hasn't been said. Or why the longer even calm conversations go the more my voice escalates in either volume, pitch, or speed.

EXPY P2P — Today at 4:34 PM In the time you were gone, I lost one of our leading plants, by the way. In the timeline no longer being "take 1-2 extra weeks" to "move it ahead a week, actually", broken stem girl strangled herself without time to repair. In attempting to stretch, the stem rupture broke out of the stem while the stem itself hardened to the point even attempted surgical cut of the damaged tissue was too late for the impaction. It is to some extent my fault by not attempting to clone her, but I also did not have a clone tray, and that too would have caused a developmental delay, so either way was a roll of the dice. This was on the list of reasons, beyond optimizing canopy coverage for yield, I wanted to give them 1-2 more weeks (recovering from past issues, and her stem recovery, as well as the resurrected plant.) This was an avoidable loss, but I was essentially in a corner, and needing to figure out where my minimum 6 weeks would fit without overcosting Sarah without Gen, who only came back post-flip. Just like all the stuff David tried to price gouge me on at 3x new market rate now being offered, also months late, in the final hour, after all the costs, and struggle, and saves from damages, because asking it earlier was too uncomfortable. If it comes in AT ALL, that NEEDS to go into the grow op IMMEDIATELY, not a branch off, not a learning pet project, into actually being equipped to do this properly. Mark, I need you to understand, the plants need what they need. They need them when they need them, not when it's most convenient for us. We can not simply whip schedules around over and over and demand they meet them, we cannot wait extra weeks to give them the bare minimum, we can not demand peak performance without giving them even essential conditions. If I say "hey here's a ten dollar fan I can't buy", don't go "ok do that" and sit with a thumb up your ass and wait until I get one only for it to come without a cord, only to find you have fans laying all over your house the whole time. If I say it's time consuming to manually train the plant canopies nonstop because they readjust for light, don't tell me "I forgot to get you the thing you asked for, for two months." If I say, I just took critical fall damage with my setup, don't tell me you still forgot the goddamn power strip. When I say I need grow bins when the plants are 4 weeks old, don't show up with them at 6-7 weeks and pikachu face that their roots are too big, the vegetables you are demanding on an insane schedule are literally moving faster than you are, per your request and by my skill. You can't expect me and the plants to run olympic triathalons on a timeline crunch while you stand there Forgetting Stuff or holding on to save 10 bucks yourself just so I can buy it on my pocket change too late too. These are easy things to prioritize, many of which had easy, even free answers to you. The reason the bastards are doing Great is because people paid 60$ to get me the dirt that would have been 24$ to get pickup at walmart independence supercenter. The reason they can have the HPS to themselves dedicated in a space is because John and Noiz collectively put in over $100 to add lights that should have been added months ago but I refused to put more weight on Sarah and spent my days recreating the sun moving for them.

EXPY P2P — Today at 4:42 PM

At this point we are pretty much surrendered to this continuing as a small scale operation that barely self floats through past the holidays until we can work past debts, restrictions, the fraud my old rental agency pulled et al, and if we manage to be out of here before that, we've pulled out a miracle. I am mutually job hunting all day while house hunting for independent rentals all day and yes, contacting them over and over and over as needed. You got offended when I pointed out you've lived with David for years and are out of touch with rental reality. And then you asked if you might have to call more than once, so god far be it from me to assume you went the extra mile and looked for options yourself knowing I'm busy being a horticulturist, a chemist, an engineer, and a goddamn wizard full time while training plants because of Stuff You Forgot. And what about moving costs? Deposit? Where is all this money coming from???? September 20? Unsold plants? Because I communicated what the sped up bloom period would be like, and you sped it up in your head faster than that, to essentially make impossible promises to Sarah in my name, and I told her no, no that's not right, no. NOIZ has been in on this like two weeks and already has displayed a clearer understanding of grow cycles and timelines than you have because they are actually listening, so I've been messaging them, as investors, to make educated decisions on timelines. You, meanwhile, say getting a job you want to [checks notes] throw seeds outside in early October. In the midwest. With a photoperiod strain. After the equinox. At onset winter. You don't even need to be a weed wizard to see why that was None Thoughts, Head Empty. Then, instead of offering to invest up in the business, so I could send you overstock we get in bulk, plan A Grow Of Your Own. All months late. Like okay, lesson one my guy, most plants don't grow in snow.

I am able to do this now because John also prioritized buying other things, like the trellis net I asked for since we start, which has dramatically streamlined my work.

When John saw the setup I had, he was shocked the plants were even alive much less several of them being the size of plants given twice as long to vegetate.

EXPY P2P — Today at 4:51 PM here is another grower with 12 week old, pre-bloom plants about 2 1/2 feet tall, or topped in the same strain to make the spread out version. They had extra leaves from their age but otherwise, I don't know if you notice, this was why I was asking 1-2 weeks extra. To let them get here. By 8-9 weeks, not 12. I did this on next to nothing, and essentially alone.

The neighbor commented on the dirt quality, asked if thats why I used for the ones in tent. I said no, we used timberline bc it was cheaper off the top. He shit his pants. The entire point of choosing dirt over hydroponics is to NOT force a 90 day timeline, to NOT have plants start dying after that point, to BE able to give them extra time, to TAKE the extra few weeks to double or triple your results. I had also been topping the plants when I was told I could have 1-2 extra weeks. Then, I was basically forced into abandoning that, so the topping never had chance to take, and they're going to have minimal returns from that. The plants can not time travel.

I have been still working to my last breath during the day. Sometimes literally, and knocking myself out on CO2 to try to make these plants give us more than 3-4 ounces a plant, because the hundred times I explained timelines, square meter canopies or equivalent light coverage, the differences in yield with comparison to professional growers with high end equipped rigs, et all flew in one ear and out the other, largely because someone planted "90 day grow" in your head when I told you "about 3 months, maybe 4", not 90 days, because I'm not functionally retarded, and I knew the benefit in getting 110 day plants I could push to 100 day plants, that were suddenly committed to being 90 day plants, and then 85 day plants, and I got driven to near insanity trying to make demands and deadlines and flipped the switch before I got other people committing to keeping my ass covered while I got this stable. I might not have been pushed into making this decision if, for example, Gen came around a week earlier than she did, but I was staring down Sarah having to pay september AND a chunk of october to move, before the move fell in. And we conceded I may need to sit. And I can't unflip what's been flipped already, it doesn't work like that. What had once been you saying "oh I can swipe a card for a week or two of the final month if needed" became "I quit my job and NEED money by now." Every term and condition of this has been changed on me. I say "september 20-something" for the earliest, you start promising Sarah Sept 20, not 20-something, that she won't have to pay XYZ, etc, and that is simply Not Fucking True nor did anyone say anything that would have implied that if you were listening at all. "Harvest by Sept 20-something" that goes all the way to Sept 29 = "Able to sell and move by Sept 20" to you HOW? When I was talking about extending 1-2 weeks, and you said yes, and that being 1-2 week Oct? September 20 COMES IN WHERE BEYOND FANTASY, MY GUY? 6-8 WEEK BLOOM, MY GUY.

At some point you decided you "only want an average yield", while ignoring what I said was needed to get there, and reading bare minimum sellers information without context, while giving sub-minimum conditions, lighting, dirt, and grow time all at once.

You say, "I appreciate your work" but that truly means nothing to me if you haven't absorbed what that work is, or what you're demanding, or what I'm communicating to achieve it at all, while setting expectations in your own head about what it will look like how much and how fast. I'm sitting here doing algebra about ppfd and umols and CO2 and absorbable moles in a day to try to push timelines without losing further results beyond the conditions and timelines already forced on them. I had literally ad nauseam in the chat gone over how to get sq meter canopies with 1-2 weeks and before THAT got rug pulled on me got an Uh Huh Go Ahead and then suddenly it got Backwardsed into 1 or 2 weeks LESS, when bloom simply doesn't work like that, which I also explained ad nauseam.

I literally resurrected a different plant from the dead. It could have had 2 weeks to catch up to the others. It will not.

And somewhere between there you started trying to charge me black market rates for groceries that I wouldn't have needed help with if I hadn't been trying to buy shit for the plants on my own well past my investment bar to begin with, just like Sarah, while expecting Sarah to pay more. And then I'm sorry, yes, outright either lying to either us or yourself about the car, and then bouncing when your own words on record, or your own failure to google what I found in five seconds to the same town you drove not just 97.4 miles around that weekend, but at least 50 before that calculating your gas tank capacity and the trip useage to get there. When really it boils down to something you said from the jump "I feel like I deserve this." Just like you feel like you deserve a fuckton of money without meeting the $500 bar, or doing the accounting, or the licensing, or any of it, or deserve Sarah buying more stuff, or deserve to quit your job while I'm ready to jump into working full time alongside this just to stabilize myself now that my whole livelong day isn't set to keeping these plants together. And I pass out at a semi sane midnight hour and have you come banging at my door at 130 AM until the cops show up because you didn't consider time, or that I wasn't replying to the messages, or that I might need human functions like sleep sometimes, just to prove something about you being here, weeks too late, after I pulled everyone else in to cover the stuff I was short to keep this whole operation from going in the toilet because you wanted a vacation that you justified and showed me the long, long list of seals and fluids your car had needed not since last year, but since 2019 at least and like, my guy, you not having your priorities together before isn't our cost to eat. I dare you to do the math on your chipotle drives and costs since 2019. On your 400/mo rent, 1500/mo base income and +500 work going... somewhere.

EXPY P2P — Today at 5:33 PM Then yeah, I hear "oh well no mail since a week ago" "??? the other 10 days?" "IDK David-" ? wasn't told to keep an eye out or to file all mail? That's like, bare minimum dude, that's not even work for you. There's a lot of refusal of bare minimum. If there will be a CEO of this company, at this rate, it will be John. John acted like a CEO. He took a look at my setup, what I was accomplishing with essentially nothing, and asked "what do you need?" without delay, without me bitching. Not "What can you give me how soon?" It all arrived next day in the mail. Not weeks or months later. Well most specifically he said "Holy shit your wires that's sooooo not safe. Oh my god wait holy shit you're actually pulling it off somehow. Oh my god. What do you need."

(Vacation Boy) — Today at 5:56 PM Yes David was told to look for mail addressed to you. In fact David was told twice. After I took you home the first night he met you he and I talked in detail about our friendship and the operation as it stood then, and again the day that I left.

Nothing has arrived here that's had your name on it other than the last mail I brought you before I left. David has confirmed that he has not thrown out or sent back anything with your name on it the entire time that he was here.

EXPY P2P — Today at 6:02 PM Okay. That is good. But we need a come to jesus talk about the rest, my guy. Because I have been in no way vague about plant timelines, requirements, cycles, lighting, et al, but it became increasingly clear in the last ~ETA 3 weeks that nothing has sunk in. I in fact explained these things in loops so many times I felt like I was being obnoxious about it.

(Vacation Boy) — Today at 6:04 PM I agree. We will have that conversation sooner rather than later.

EXPY P2P — Today at 6:05 PM I will not be forced to hold this conversation in person without regards to my neurodiverse limitations to leverage the conversation into your benefit. It can be had here. All the information stays on page where you can read it again and again and again without losing or forgetting anything.

(Vacation Boy) — Today at 6:07 PM Ok fine. But you will not be guaranteed to get a response from me before tomorrow night. I have already told you why.

EXPY P2P — Today at 6:07 PM That is fine. But my points are there. That is another benefit of messages. They can and will stay there, and they do not disappear, or get forgotten. We're having that conversation. You can have it as slow as you want. These points that have been spoken will not disappear, even if we take it to in person where I can't sort out my thoughts, they still exist. But if I say one last thing here today: For all of your thought about your own 10-15 hour a week work life balance, I beg you to consider how you would view a boss that treated you with the conditions, equipment, and expectations you put on me before, and during, vanishing on vacation. John has been now calling me almost daily while working carrying around 100 lb equipment on his 40 hour hard labor workweek to check in on if anything new has come up and been needed, or how to help. The only reason he was not doing this prior was because I wasn't complaining and, well, he was working full time. Keep in mind, if we had gotten a place, and he had moved in, he didn't come in asking for money, he made a contingency on having a job lined up and ready to not put a drain on a young business, not just running here to quit his, despite his own creeping disabilities. So again, remove the perception from being defending yourself. Pretend these demands or lack of listening had come from some other boss or CEO, since that's what you said you were going to be, and put the hats on you to handle. How would you interpret this supervisor and how would you feel?

Zero. Dead plants. That would be the Average Yield in the conditions and timeline I was given. Other people rescuing this made the Average Yield maybe 3-4 oz a plant. I am trying to do the same plant wizardry that kept them alive at all to make them half a pound a plant, but you know I hate overpromising. The average yield with what I was left with, and all the delays to even get power strips or clippy fans or other things laying around for free, would be Zero. I need you to wrap your head around that before this conversation moves any further.

------------------

Fascinating that in that entire brick, he could spring forward to go "well I DID do the bare minimum about the mail, exactly" but needs even MORE delay of time to figure out how to make excuses for the other bullshit.

And that shit at the start? What is he bitching about? Who is he accusing of trashing the house that bad while he was out of town? The owner that hasn't been there half the time? Throwing in a load of laundry for them when he gets to rent an entire 1500 sq foot house for 400/mo utilities included, since said owner is only in town a few weeks a year? Who made all the piles of trash? The fucking cats?

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lexiesdarkthoughts · 11 months

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Hello. Love your blog, especially your last post. Could you explain a little about his health issue? I think my Dom is going through the same, loss of energy and desire, all that. There's no frustration and anger between us, though, just the desire and energy seem to be less then they used to... If you can and want to share, of course.

Thank you!

Hi there! Thank you for the compliment and reading my blog!

Ahab has two major health problems that I reference, but in the last post was low testosterone. We were in our 30s when this issue started up, so low T was a very surprising diagnosis. His numbers are abnormally low, for which, we still don't have a reason as to why.

Long story short, there are noticeable symptoms besides the very obvious lack of ability in the bedroom. From my view point, when we first started going through this, he was constantly exhausted, not sleeping well, and never had any energy. It was very difficult for him to put his thoughts together. It's almost like his brain wasn't firing on all cylinders. Simple tasks became complicated because his fine motor skills became clumsy. He was also very irritable. Not in a mean sense, but if simple things didn't go right, he would be overly irritated about it to the point I didn't understand why it was that big a deal. There was also a very noticeable distance from me physically, mentally, and emotionally.

Once we got the diagnosis and started him on artificial testosterone, even he realized just how bad it had gotten. In his words, "I loved you. You were my wife, but I felt no desire. No want. I couldn't understand it and that just made it worse. Now it feels like my brain is operational again." A good example: Ahab is so wonderfully good at dirty talk when we're having sex. He literally can't do it when his testosterone is low. He says he can't even string together the words.

I will warn you though, if you suspect this is what your Dom is going through, get a good doctor/urologist. Research the doctor before hand. Ask questions. We were unfortunate that we did not get a good urologist when we started down this road. We were not warned of all the side effects that come along with being on artificial testosterone. We had done research ourselves, but apparently not enough. We were trying to get pregnant for some time after he started the testosterone. It turns out prolonged use of artificial testosterone makes you sterile. There are also issues that increase red blood cell counts with prolonged use. There are times Ahab has to come off the testosterone to level out his blood counts. It's surprising how fast he goes from being 'normal' to feeling the effects of the low T.

There are a lot of therapy options out there for this. We chose to do biweekly injections due to the fact that we were trying to have a child. There are gel options, but they are very expensive, even with health insurance in the USA because the insurance companies view these treatments as optional. Also, because we were trying to get pregnant at that time, if I had been exposed to any gel on his body, it would have put any unborn child at risk. It flat out isn't safe for a pregnant woman to be exposed to artificial testosterone.

I'm sorry my answer is such a long one, but I don't want anyone to have to deal with the ramifications the way we did. Could Ahab go off the testosterone long enough to try and get pregnant? Sure. However, it takes at minimum a year, but usually longer, for the body to stop shooting blanks. There is no guarantee that the body would reverse that either. I decided that having my husband be himself is more important. It always hurts me when he's off the testosterone because I see how much he struggles to just get through the day. It's also much better for our relationship.

Please feel free to DM me off anon if you'd like to talk more. I'm always happy to share my experience and most of all, listen. :)

#ask #a+l

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