#mellologue

[dragonfireandice]

why does everything have to go from really good to completely shit all the time

why does my voice get dismissed as frivolous and overreacting at the drop of a hat while being told to speak up and stand up for myself

I'm so tired

Things were so fucking good and now I'm getting a soft version of silent treatment and zero physical contact while he "resets" because I didn't bring up something bothering me "correctly"

Why

I'm tired

I thought I'd finally spent my tears but I'm sitting in a coffee shop pretending I'm successfully stealth crying at the counter right in front of the barista

I'm just

Fuck

It was so good

Why am I the asshole every time

Why do I try to communicate

Why do I get left with the feeling I shouldn't say anything

Why

Why

#mellologue #too full of emotions

[dragonfireandice]

.

I am so FUCKING TIRED OF EVERYTHING. Fuck. My partner realizes what an absolute bastard he's been to me increasingly across the relationship, to the point where he himself describes his actions as abusive, and he wants to get his shit straight, because he treasures me, because I am the best fucking thing in his life, and he lost sight of that. That I don't deserve any of the treatment I've gotten and he needs to resolve several issues so he doesn't lash out like that. He recognizes that I've put up with shit no one else would, that I would always be in the right for leaving him if I did.

I feel a tiny bit hopeful. I tell him that the only reason we're still together is because I'm trying to get financially stable so we can have that conversation. So I can lay out the reality of what the consequences of his actions, inactions, and irresponsiblities are.

He wants to do better.

We have a good day.

And then because I don't agree with his wanton desire to throw everything away, including things I've purchased, he decided to say some unnecessary shit to ramp up my stress before bed.

"Why was that necessary?" "I guess because I was annoyed with you."

Thanks. THANKS. Nevermind that neither of us have been getting the best sleep lately, nevermind that my sleep has been worse than yours, but you don't care because you have a job and I have the "luxury" of trying to get more, like I'm some spoiled, pampered princess who doesn't do anything.

Nevermind everything I do that goes unappreciated and unseen.

Nevermind that I am exhausted physically, emotionally, and mentally.

Nevermind that I have to get passionately incensed for you to take me even slightly seriously. That I have to fight for my voice to be heard.

Nevermind what I'm going through, my stress, my existence.

Just keep dumping your problems on me, the violent intrusive thoughts you refuse to do anything about, the standards you're frustrated you can't keep so you give me shit for it instead, the insecurities you could solve literally just by reaching out to your friends instead of talking about them behind their back, the s*icidal ideation, the anger, the frustrations, the unrealistic expectations, the manic epiphanies, everything you should bring to a therapist but won't.

And when I'm not okay? When I need help? Keep that general lack of empathy and care coming. It's great.

Why do you think I don't ask you for help anymore?

I ask and don't get it.

I ask and get treated like a child, like I'm the lesser part of the relationship because I need help.

I'm just your emotional punching bag.

And I am so, so tired.

I know I deserve better. I know I've put up with so much I shouldn't have. I know the rose tinted lenses were on too tight for too long.

If you want to change, I need to see it, really see it, I can't keep doing this all talk and no walk routine. I have so little left to give you.

I know this was one thing. Maybe even one little thing to you. I know I gave you shit for it last night and we talked it through. But it's one more thing on top of a mountain of other things. I need the walk. I need the action. I can't keep doing this. I thought for a second I might not need it, but we're back on track to have that conversation once my financial situation is better.

I'm so tired.

#mellologue #crying out to the void #tw relationship / #tw abuse / #tw suicidal ideation (not me shared with me) /

[dragonfireandice]

New name reveal was a success!

#mellologue #she was mostly happy i didn't pick something like “hortensia” which felt like an oddly specific example #she said she knew she was gonna mess up a bunch and i appreciated her acknowledging that as a sign she was still gonna try #so huzzah all around #also she aka my mom lmao that might help with context

[dragonfireandice]

Still in a state of disbelief, but I have acquired a job.

#mellologue #like don't get me wrong I'm very happy and this position is fantastic #but I'm also just like ????????????????????? what just happened

[dragonfireandice]

Once again it's that time and I'm very hype for this one.

~30~

#mellologue #gif #heheheheheh GOODBYE 20s ONWARD AND FORWARD #telling my mom my new name today so WISH ME LUCK

[dragonfireandice]

New job is. Fine. Got a better idea of the behind the scenes and drama and I can't be bothered to care. Incredibly low volume shop so days are going to generally be boring, but I can live with that. Coworkers are fine. Store owner is a control freak but the store manager is the one who deals with her most. Mainly concerned whether the migraine that kicked off on my shift is from something in the store itself or just my body thinking it's funny.

#mellologue

[dragonfireandice]

Okay, so, coworkers continue to be great and the exceptions to that are on their way out. Manager is also great, love that. Only hiccup continues to be the owner, but I still have yet to actually interact with her, so. Yeah! Doing okay.

Also bought my first pack of boxers today and I am experiencing a SLEW of giddy emotions. They're in the wash as I type.

#mellologue #haven't had the energy to talk or be online much but the giddy boost is fueling me

[dragonfireandice]

.

#thinking about. exploring the gender affirmation part of my insurance #really side eyeing low doses of t #hmmmm hmmmmmmmm #mellologue

[dragonfireandice]

Power's out, it's 23°F, and I can't tell if my level of anxiety over this is appropriate or disproportionate.

#mellologue #*nervous noises*

[dragonfireandice]

Ah yes, it is that time.

~29~

#mellologue #gif

[dragonfireandice]

Moving days ✌️

#mellologue #no feelings all the feelings weird sleep unhappy stomach

[dragonfireandice]

Impulse came out with The Name That Chose Me to a new friend and fuck it went well.

Told some other friends and the response was so goddamn positive and a couple who didn’t already know asked if they wanted me to have them switch to using it. 

Fuck. This week has sucked, but tonight’s a good night.

#mellologue #it's not mel but I definitely still answer to that!

[dragonfireandice]

So I got an email today from our benefits department essentially saying “we haven’t received enough information to approve your accommodation.” And I am fucking livid. What do you people want? My fucking vomit on your floor? Do you want a recording of what my morning bathroom routine looks like now? Do you want to see where I’m bleeding from that I’m not supposed to? Do you want to start a collection of my medication bottles for nausea? Do you want a copy of the emails my doctor and I have been sending back and forth since JANUARY regarding this? Do you want to see the email in MAY where she finally started taking my symptoms seriously and finally referred me to a specialist? Do you want a copy of my fucking laundry list of lab orders, the incoming endoscopy, biopsy, and colonoscopy? Do you need a fucking tutorial on what my stomach feels like? I’ll happily wrap some barbed wire around a balloon and stab it if that’s what you want. 

Why is it so fucking difficult for you to understand that I am in almost constant pain, can barely eat, and need to routinely visit the bathroom because I can barely handle what food I do eat? 

My doctor actually pulled through and gave them a very detailed letter of what I’m going through. 

Why isn’t it enough.

Why is nothing ever enough.

I just want to stop. And every day I clock in I ask myself if this is the day I just fucking quit and leave. I feel like every day I’m running ragged for a company that does not and will never care, and I’m doing what I can do jump through their fucking hoops and it’s not good enough. The stress is not worth their precious insurance. 

It’s not worth it.

#mellologue #emetephobia tw #medication tw #doctors tw #blood tw #i'm so tired

[dragonfireandice]

Please let this body be healthy for 5 minutes

#mellologue #i am in so much pain and i am so tired

[dragonfireandice]

why does my body feel the need to betray me almost every day

#mellologue #i finally have an appointment with a specialist next week after months of waiting #but i am so exhausted #and so pissed off how long it took for doctors to take my symptoms seriously #but mostly exhausted right now

[dragonfireandice]

i am unacceptable

#im sorry #mellologue