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lexfoster · 1 year

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Finding My Self in "We're All Going to the World's Fair"

originally posted on goodfeed content warnings for discussions of depression, suicidal ideations, and predatory relationships

Sometimes I still think about Erick. At least, I think his name was Erick. His email is still in my contacts, though it’s been a decade since we last spoke. Back then, I was a junior in high school, on my first antidepressant, and doing everything I could to distance myself from me. There was no big trauma, no life altering mind fuck to inspire the absolute hatred I had for living in my body. Just a suffocating loneliness. That’s when I found the tumblr roleplay community. I was raised on fanfiction and had written my fair share, but there was something different about roleplaying. I became that character, immersing myself in that fictional world. The numbness I felt about my own life was replaced by the intense wants, fears, grief of someone else. The emotional connections that my depression had severed became usurped by the relationships my character had with other characters. It was all text on a screen, but it was a life when I didn’t feel like living my own. In high school, I was a ghost. But when I wrote as my character, suddenly there was something solid to me. At the very least , I was solid enough to make contact with keys on a keyboard.

Erick was one of my writing partners. He wrote my character’s best and oldest friend, something I, in my real life, had lost not too long prior (Sometimes people grow apart. Sometimes you love people more than they love you). We would talk “out of character”, mostly about plot stuff, but with sprinkles of real life. Hey, what’s up? How was your day? This person whose face I only ever saw in a selfie he posted became someone I spoke to daily. Then, one day, he didn’t respond. A couple days of silence, then he wrote that he’d been in a car accident, but he was recovering and doing okay. We went back to frequent communications, just not as frequent as before. And then a little while later, he was gone. I like to think that he’s fine, just got bored of the game we were playing or stopped caring about the character he wrote. Maybe something bad happened during his recovery. Maybe there was never a car accident at all. Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure. And while I still think about him every so often, he's not really on my mind much.

Then today, I watched We’re All Going to the World’s Fair. Written, directed, and edited by Jane Schoenbrun, the movie follows young person, Casey, as she takes part in this online game called the World’s Fair Challenge. It’s a roleplay viral challenge where people film themselves saying “I want to go to the world’s fair” three times, draw their own blood, smear it on their computer screen, and watch a strobe light video. After that, people would film their "progression" of going, essentially, crazy. After initiating the "ritual", Casey seems to disassociate from her body, losing control of herself and her actions. But it’s a roleplay game. A horror one, but it isn’t real. None of it is real. Until it is. Or is it? On the other side of Casey’s screen, there’s a man in his 40s who just goes by JLB. He watches and responds to her videos, though Casey never sees his face. It’s part of the game, too. But that line between reality and fantasy begins to blur and at the end, he’s scared that it’s no longer a game for her. Via Skype, he asks to speak out of character, asking if she’s okay, if she’s really going to kill her father or herself. At first, she seems confused. This was a game? But then there’s a switch, and of course she knows it’s a game. None of it is real. Why is he getting scared? She ends the call and tells him to never call her again. Calls him a pedophile. We fast forward and he's making a video about how he saw Casey a year after that Skype call. That she was doing a theater program in Manhattan now. That she apologized for how she left things and after that night a year ago she'd gone to an inpatient care center for a couple months. According to him, at the end of the night they hugged and parted ways. But we don't see it, we only see JLB on his end of the screen, speaking to no one.

In the end, we’re left with uncertainty and no clear answers. We don’t even really know who the two characters are. Is Casey her real name? Were any of her moments of disassociation real? Did any of the events JLB described really happen? Was the man a pedophile, or just lonely? Does it even matter when the dynamic was inherently predatory? I’ve seen critiques of the film that point to the lack of answers, the ambiguity. But ambiguity is the only thing that's certain online. We don’t know who is on the other side of our screens. And sometimes, we don’t really know our own selves in front of it.

Right before the film’s climax, there’s a line Casey says in the midst of what seems to be a breaking point. “I swear, someday soon, I am just gonna disappear and you won't have any idea what happened to me.” Yes, I thought of Erick and how one day he was there and the next he was gone. I thought about how I’ll never have any idea what happened to him, or if anything he shared with me was real. I thought of the fleetingness of that connection, and so many more that I made over the years behind that screen. I thought of all the lies I was probably told without any way of knowing they were lies. But I also thought about myself. My own phantom of self. I often cite roleplaying on tumblr as something that saved my life, and a part of me still thinks it did. I was self harming, suicidal, isolating myself from everyone in my life. Roleplaying was my life jacket. But when I finished watching We’re All Going to the World’s Fair, the only "review" I could put into words was that when you’re drowning within yourself, sometimes your life jacket only offers the illusion of safety. Did becoming so disconnected from who I was save me, or did it just enable my deep desire to disappear? It’s been a decade now and I still haven’t fully found that kid I used to be. When I think of my life as a series of portraits, I am translucent for so many of them. Or I am painted in the style of people who never existed.

Or did they?

Maybe we'll never know.

#We're All Going to the World's Fair #Jane Schoenbrun #horror essay #personal essay #i wasn't able to also talk about the way the film parallels my relationship to my gender #and how that journey was incredibly helpful in beginning to reconnect to my body #but i just want to put it in the tags here bc it's a disservice not to #anyways i wrote a thing #mine

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shivanishutterbug · 3 years

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Nature bliss💙

#adventure #birds #adventuretime #cinematography #faunabrasileira #godgift #fauna #goodfeed #insta #flowers #exploretheworld

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spocktherock · 5 years

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Gahhhh arrgg mum it’s bloody cold! After we leave the Coolamon cheese factory. #muchtasty #bestbluevainever #goodfeed #stylingirls (at Coolamon, New South Wales) https://www.instagram.com/p/B0-am3ADkqHpjVLxL74ZK4CE4Lp38ZIbuV9H6g0/?igshid=1lplm95jhhvp7

#muchtasty #bestbluevainever #goodfeed #stylingirls

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ruckaya-ch · 5 years

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This is an example of my grids in UNUM.

I use this app to plan my Instagram feed and I can prove that since I’ve been organising my posts my feed is so much better and nicer and it also gives me time so I can edit the pictures and look for a good caption to go with each photo. You can organise your feed in many different ways but I chose to organise it by colour scheme or with pictures of the same event and so. I really recommend it so much I even got feedback from people telling me that my feed looks great and asked me how to do it.

Since the start I’ve been using UNUM but there are other good ones. This one obviously has pros & cons such as you can’t draft the pictures or it gets to one point where you don’t have enough grids, it also doesn’t give u the choice to tag but it works offline that’s what I like about it, you can also have a calendar and you get notifications to post your pics.

Another one that I tried is called planoly this one has a limited amount of uploads per month but it’s not that annoying, it lets you tag people on pics but only public accounts, you can draft, and the app can post the pictures for you once you put the date and time the bad thing is it doesn’t work offline.

But I obviously only use the free trial because it is enough for me like that but you can try getting premium if you want.

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mahnoorawesomous · 6 years

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Your soul has a rhythm I wanna vibe too. #goodvibes #blurrlights

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voiceofyourshow · 3 years

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The violent waves of the stormy sea break It is the song of heaven that they sing Amazing, wonderful music they make Adorable roars, truly enlight'ning Heaven is pleased and delights in it all A heavenly cloud gives the sea a kiss The horizon, at a distance so small Embraces the sea, an ocean of bliss But heavenly songs and heavenly scenes Without the beautiful image of you Do not seem complete and so in my dreams I'm not here alone, but we're here with two So much I love sounds and sights of the sea Much more dear's still, the love ‘tween you and me - Aufie Zophy #pictureoftheday #poemoftheday #poem #poetscommunity #poemsrepost #bhopalbeauty #gautamnagar #couldlove #cloudlover #instadaily #goodfeed (at Gautam Nagar) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQ6MY2uJcko/?utm_medium=tumblr

#pictureoftheday #poemoftheday #poem #poetscommunity #poemsrepost #bhopalbeauty #gautamnagar #couldlove #cloudlover #instadaily #goodfeed

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yessycanela · 6 years

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#wogst.com #fun #goodfeed

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shopsui · 3 years

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NYE part 2 at home in the backyard #rooftop #potluckdinner #alfresco #goodfeed #balmynight #summertime (at Collingwood, Victoria, Australia) https://www.instagram.com/p/CJgA8tOhmv4/?igshid=18m7fyqhnx51u

#rooftop #potluckdinner #alfresco #goodfeed #balmynight #summertime

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iaf-in-ia · 4 years

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Rafale 💙 . Credit @ghost_fx_pictures Tags :- #iaf_in_ia #army #photographer #graphiste #videaste #realisateur #agencedecommunication #goodies #impression #creation #aviationphotography #loveflying #pilotofinstagram #instaplanelovers #airplanesdaily #goodfeed #instafeed #picsoftheday #aviondechasse #retoucher #retouchephoto #picsartedit #art #artist #instagramers #instapic #goodfeed #feed #rafale #dassault #dassaultaviation (at India) https://www.instagram.com/p/CGZaaBohJS0/?igshid=1di513421k4d5

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assemblage333 · 5 years

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#lunchbreak #pickingdelmarva #assemblage333 #eastcoastpickers #burleyoak #blacksmithrestaurant #goodfeed #delmarvelous #robertpenningtonpricedesign (at Blacksmith Berlin) https://www.instagram.com/p/BIfaZdHDTMM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1pamt72cmmhsh

#lunchbreak #pickingdelmarva #assemblage333 #eastcoastpickers #burleyoak #blacksmithrestaurant #goodfeed #delmarvelous #robertpenningtonpricedesign

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asriiysa-blog · 7 years

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[LATE POST] 2/7 Bismillahirrohmanirrohim ALLAH swt berfirman: اَلَمْ تَرَوْا كَيْفَ خَلَقَ اللّٰهُ سَبْعَ سَمٰوٰتٍ طِبَاقًا وَّجَعَلَ الْقَمَرَ فِيْهِنَّ نُوْرًا ۙ وَّجَعَلَ الشَّمْسَ سِرَاجًا "Tidakkah kamu memperhatikan bagaimana ALLAH telah menciptakan tujuh langit berlapis-lapis? Dan di sana Dia menciptakan bulan yang bercahaya dan menjadikan matahari sebagai pelita yang cemerlang?" (QS. Nuh: 15-16) Cahaya itu terbesit di langit ini. Cahaya yang meminta kita untuk membaca tanda-tanda kebesaran-Nya, yang menuntun kita untuk terus berbuat sesuatu, berkreasi, berkarya. Akhlaq yang baik, dan kebermanfaatanlah yang mampu memancarkan Islam sesungguhnya. Ya, Islam pernah menjadi sumber cahaya terang benderang ketika Eropa diliputi abad kegelapan. Islam pernah bersinar sebagai peradaban paling maju di dunia, ketika dakwah bisa bersatu dengan pengetahuan dan kedamaian, bukan dengan kekerasan. Oke, itu sejarah. Tapii...kita sebagai sebuah bangsa yang besar tidak sepatutnya melupakan sejarah. Karena di dalam sejarah ada pembelajaran besar yang membuat kita bisa bergerak maju dan memperbaiki kesalahan masa lalu. Dan itu menjadi tugas kita, seluruh umat muslim. Untuk menjadi agen muslim penebar cahaya Islam di muka bumi. Terinspirasi dari novel 99 Cahaya di Langit Eropa. ____________________________________ Jazaakillah mba Lulu udah ngajak aku ikut #QuranChallenge2017 Yuk sekarang giliran aku ngajak kamu @rosingah_ dan kamu @veraditias :) Semoga tindakan kecil ini bisa bermanfaat. Aamiin💕 #CahayaIslam #AlQuran #SuratCintadariALLAH #quranchallenge2017 #quranverse #quotes #islamiquote #inspirasiIslami #kutipanayat #QS #NUH:15-16 #firmanAllah #udahpastibener #alquranpedomanku #yakalibohong #IslamRahmatanlil'alamin #selfreminder #screenshoot #bestscene #99CahayadiLangitEropa #artwork #photoshop #cs6 #design #goodfeed #2017

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live-like-there-is-no-tomro · 6 years

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A burger a day keeps the hunger away 🍔. . . . . #burgercobykingston #burger #goodfeed #me #dinner #food #foodporn #milkshake #instafood #westfield #sydney #fries #life #foodlife #yummy #loadedfries #bacon #toinfinityandbeyond (at Burger Co by Kingston) https://www.instagram.com/p/BoBhW7UhaBC/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=i7s4kifodirk

#burgercobykingston #burger #goodfeed #me #dinner #food #foodporn #milkshake #instafood #westfield #sydney #fries #life #foodlife #yummy #loadedfries #bacon #toinfinityandbeyond

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recoluvronandez · 6 years

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Order my book My Tru-Sense to order 9012554848

#wogst.com #fun #goodfeed

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voiceofyourshow · 3 years

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What about you? #reminders 🔖 . Like | Save & Share 💝 . ➖➖➖ . . . . . #quoteoftheday #quoteslove #quotes #quotesindia #quotestoliveby . #bhopal #updatebusbhopal #bhopalfeed #bhopali #bhopalcity #instadaily . #goodfeed #creativefeed #writingcommunityIndia #writerslife #writerscommunity (at Bhopal, Madhya Pradesh) https://www.instagram.com/p/CQgnEofJOeC/?utm_medium=tumblr

#reminders #quoteoftheday #quoteslove #quotes #quotesindia #quotestoliveby #bhopal #updatebusbhopal #bhopalfeed #bhopali #bhopalcity #instadaily #goodfeed #creativefeed #writingcommunityindia #writerslife #writerscommunity

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iaf-in-ia · 4 years

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Rafale ❤️ . Repost @ghost_fx_pictures Hastags . #iaf_in_ia #photooftheday #photographer #planespotting #aviationday #aviationphotography #loveflying #pilotofinstagram #instaplanelovers #airplanesdaily #goodfeed #instafeed #picsoftheday #aviondechasse #retoucher #retouchephoto #picsartedit #art #artist #instagramers #instapic #goodfeed #feed #montage #rafale #dassaultaviation #armeedelair #frenchairforce #pilotedechasse #topgun #tbt (at India) https://www.instagram.com/p/CFe66yIh7mT/?igshid=1saivld98dgqq

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ej-potter · 7 years

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Enjoyed dinner at the #CommercialHotel tonight w/ HB while the parents were away. She decided to go with the tried and true fish and chips and wasn't disappointed 🐟🍟. . . . . . . . . . #fishnchips #batteredfish #friedchips #coleslaw #creamyslaw #tartaresauce #tatasauce #rememberscap #tasty #delicious #goodfeed (at Commercial Hotel)

#batteredfish #tatasauce #tartaresauce #goodfeed #friedchips #coleslaw #fishnchips #rememberscap #delicious #creamyslaw #commercialhotel #tasty

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