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jimlingss · 4 years

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The Art of Benefits

➜ Words: 9.8k

➜ Genres: 50% Fluff, 50% Smut, FWB!AU

➜ Summary: There's only one aspect of your life that's missing: sex. But you know yourself. You catch feelings as quickly as you catch colds. But when your friend arranges a meeting with a certain Park Jimin, you'll become inclined to learn the craft of detachment, aka. the art of benefits.

➜ Warning: sex, sexual discussions, toys, sucking dick, period sex, etc.

cr.

[2nd Year Fall Semester] Life as a sophomore wasn’t shabby. Assignments, papers and midterms came and went with decent grades that you eventually forgot about. Lectures, club meetings, and studying took most of your time too. But Christmas was arriving and that meant it was sweater weather. It also meant that snow was dusting from the sky and you were watching couples cozying up and keeping each other warm from across the dining center. It was unfair really. You were cold too. In fact, most of the time you happen to be cold. And while relationships were too much of a time commitment for you to take on, you deserved a cuddle buddy just as much as the next person. Or a fuck buddy. Either works really. You’ve never been opposed to a friends with benefits relationship. The only problem is, it would never work for you. But if you somehow learnt to detach your emotions, it could be the most efficient thing yet. After all, good sex with another warm body was the only aspect in your life that you were missing. “I mean it’s possible. A lot of people start friends with benefits relationships on campus,” Wendy says as she stuffs her face with her sub sandwich and muses mid-chew, “There’s actually a lot of candidates to choose from.” You’re exasperated at her nonchalance. As if it’s as easy as going to the supermarket and picking someone up. “Who?!” You need someone who would be on the same page as you, with the same priorities, a good sex partner who wouldn’t catch feelings either. But frankly, you don’t know that many people. “Well, what about that guy from your class that you were crushing on? Didn’t you say he was super smart? Might help you on your assignments too.” “Namjoon?” You shake your head. “He’s got a girlfriend.” “Okay. What about that older guy in your board games club?” “No. Seokjin’s graduating next semester.” Wendy hums, eyes flickering around the dining hall center as she contemplates. “How about Yoongi? From what you’ve told me, he seems pretty cool.” You loll your head to one side and stab your sweet and sour chicken. “I’m not going to sleep with someone from work. That sounds like a disaster waiting.” “Jungkook?” “That’s weird. We went to the same elementary school together.” You can still remember his bowl cut hair as clear as day, and not to mention, the two of you share a group of friends. If things go downhill, it would be a complete mess. The epitome of inefficiency. Which is counterproductive to your goal. “Taehyung?” At this point, Wendy’s just listing out random people that you know, but you play along just for amusement. “Nah. Yena has a crush on him.” She takes another clean bite of her sandwich. “What about that guy that works at that McDonalds that you find cute. What’s his name? Hugo? Howard?” “Hoseok,” you correct with a feigned glare that makes her smile. “And that’s a big fat no. He doesn’t even know I exist. What am I supposed to do? Waltz up to him and ask to be fuck buddies?” She grins. “Well, I mean—” “It wouldn’t work,” you deadpan before she laughs and in turn, makes you giggle too. The chatter of the room settles in your ears as background noise. You gaze out the window to the sparkling snow piles that reflect the lampposts soft, white light. The sun has long fallen even though it’s only six p.m. The low lights peeking through the somber clouds covering the horizon does little. You dread the thought of having to venture out into the cold and catch the bus home. You don’t notice how Wendy’s looking at you while she sips on her water. Not until she hums. “You know what? I know someone I could hook you up with.” Your brow cocks and the corner of your mouth twitches. “Is he a fuckboy?” Your long time friend shrugs with a glint in her eyes that makes you unsure if she’s serious or not. Wendy once joked that she had a boyfriend from Northern Canada and convinced you hard enough that you legitimately believed her for a good month. So you can never be quite certain when it comes to her. For all you know, she could just be making it up to entertain you. “Sort of, but he’s a nice one.” Wendy stays vague. “He was my lab partner.” You stare at her and when her expression remains blank, you scoff. “Sure, sure,” you draw out the syllables with a small laugh and bat the air with your hand just to end the conversation. And when it’s never discussed again, Wendy moving on to tell you a story about something she suddenly remembers, you’d one day come to realize that was a terrible, terrible mistake. // That one day is now. 3:50pm. Wendy: hey i set up a meeting what that guy 3:50pm. Wendy: third floor library 3:50pm. Wendy: he’s in a red hat btw The text comes right when you’re leaving your last lecture of the day. 3:51pm. Y/N: what guy 3:53pm. Wendy: your future fwb 3:53pm. Y/N: ?????????????????????????????????/ 3:53pm. Y/N: ???????????????? 3:54pm. Y/N: wtf i wasn’t SERIOUS 3:54pm. Wendy: wat 3:54pm. Y/N: I THOUGHT YOU WERE JOKING 3:56pm. Wendy: lmao too late 3:56pm. Wendy: at least meet him he’s waiting sis 3:54pm. Y/N: can’t you cancel????????? 3:57pm. Wendy: n a h You nearly burst an artery in your temple at the emojis and memes she spams to you. 3:59pm. Wendy: I already told him the gist btw 4:00pm. Wendy: don’t chicken out With no other choice, you make a u-turn and head towards the library with too many thoughts swirling inside your brain. Chances are this stranger is going to see you, think you’re ugly as shit and try to back out of it. It’s going to be awkward as all hell and you’re not sure you’re ready to have this traumatizing memory for the rest of your life. Then again, you wonder how Wendy even convinced this dude to meet up. If he’s really that easy going. If this is a typical thing people do now. Or maybe Wendy showed a picture of you on your insta and he agreed afterwards — it wouldn’t be the first time she did that, much to your embarrassment. But you hope it’s the latter case. At least that eliminates the possibility of him trying to backpedal his way out of it after seeing your face. You also wonder how the hell you’re going to find him. The library is full of students, the rowdy ones and the studious ones being disturbed by them. You wonder what he looks like, what he’ll be like. Third floor. Male. Red hat. You arrive at the appropriate floor and begin scanning the premise, walking around as your eyes sweep the area. Almost immediately you catch a brunette hunched over and on his phone by the table. He’s wearing a red cap on backwards, purple tee shirt. He has a frat boy aesthetic. Not really the type you go for. Looking over him, you round the computers, bookshelves and tables. But finding no one else with a red hat on the third floor, you sharply inhale and approach the boy with his fluffy cheek rested in his hand, arm propped up on the table lazily. Scrolling through his phone. “Excuse me.” Your voice is light and hesitant as if you were asking help from someone at the front desk and not seeing if this was a potential fuck buddy. It’s mortifying to say the least. His head lifts, brown eyes catching the lights. You clear your throat. “Wendy…” “Oh. You’re her, right?” He smiles and thankfully, doesn’t seem to be disappointed. “Wendy’s friend?” “Yeah. I’m Y/N.” “Jimin.” Now that you get a closer look, he’s kind of cute. But you don’t dwell. Or look him in the eye. It feels like a job interview. But worse. “You were Wendy’s lab partner?” “That’s me.” He pockets his phone. “I’m a kines major. You?” “I’m in the arts faculty. Political science.” “Cool, cool.” Jimin nods and then gets to business without any shame, “So Wendy already told me about it. You’re looking to have a friends with benefits relationship?” “Yeah….about that….” “I’m down if you are.” His hand opens up, gesturing to you. You’re not sure how you feel about how laid-back he is, but he remains upfront which you suppose is the right thing to do. “I have a dorm room in the Sierra building by the engineering faculty building if you know where that is.” “I’ve walked past it before.” “Cool. Anyway, my last f.w.b. ended two months ago and I kind of miss it,” he quickly clarifies, “The sex, I mean.” You’re speechless and contemplating if you really want to do this. You know if it works out, it’ll be fairly efficient. You’ve always gotten off by yourself and while it works, it’s not something you’d call completely satisfying. Having someone’s help— good help — is a change you’ve been considering. But a friends with benefits situation has always been one of those ‘what if’ scenarios. You've just never had an opportunity like this to make it actually happen. Jimin senses your hesitance and leans forward. He lowers his volume. “Are you a virgin? Cause I’m cool with—” You scoff. “No. I’m not. I just...haven’t done something like this before.” “Friends with benefits?” His question is answered by your body language. “It’s not bad. Safer than one night stands and more consistent too. You don’t have to go out and find someone every time you want to have sex. And it’s a low level commitment.” The corner of your mouth pulls and you agree. “It’s efficient. But...I need time to think about it.” “Sure. Tell me when you make up your mind. I’ll give you my number.” He opens his hand again and you pass him your phone. He quickly types it in. “Take your time.” // And you do. You weigh the pros and cons against each other, considering every possibility and all the consequences. Part of you wants to just go for it. The same part that once decided in high school at midnight that bangs would be a hot look on you. (It wasn’t). The part of you that dyed your hair blue that one summer on a whim. The part that doesn’t want to think and wants to jump head first into things. Jimin made a lot of good pointers too and you’re certain this would be a good outlet. An experience. It helps that he’s quite attractive too and seems to be trustworthy and rational. Yet, part of you wonders if it would be a bad decision. There’s a chance that you might catch feelings. For you, it wouldn’t be unheard of either. You have a tendency to catch feelings as fast as you catch colds. And you already know that’s the demise of these kinds of relationships. Once a party gets involved too deep, it’s game over. There’s nothing but heartbreak. The only way it would work is if you minimize your interactions with him. The less attached you are, the less likely you are to develop feelings for him since the only way you would like anyone is if you knew them. So the less you know, the better the outcome. It’s an equation. It’s the art of the benefits. And if that works, if you master the art, it would solve every potential issue. The dorms for sophomores are bigger than the ones for first year freshmen. Instead of a single room with two beds on either side by the walls, there are private bedrooms with just a shared bathroom, a main living space and kitchen. “Bathrooms are over here,” Jimin gestures. There’s one room at the end of the hall and another one beside his. “Both my roommates are out, so you don’t have to worry. They’re pretty nice.” You feel awkward lingering at the entryway with your backpack on. You clear your throat. “Can I get a drink?” “Oh yeah. There’s new water bottles by the sink, I think, and there’s orange juice in the fridge if you’d like.” “No, I mean, do you have anything alcoholic?” you correct and he blinks at you owlishly before smiling. You drop your bag and find it in the fridge, a whole vodka bottle. You fill a shot up with a glass on the drying rack. The clear liquid burns as it travels to the back of your throat. The bitter taste nearly makes you gag, but you feel your face warm and you ease even more, knowing it works. In the meanwhile, Jimin studies you, standing from across the kitchen island. His hands are casually dug into the pockets of his gray sweats. “We won’t have to follow through with this, you know. I’m fine either way.” “No,” you quickly refute, irrationally afraid he’s changed his mind. And the words spill out of you as you cringe, “I’m horny as shit, I’mjustnervous.” The guy smiles, eyes slightly crinkled when he does so. “Of what?” “A lot of things.” You don’t pour a second shot even though you kind of want to. But you have things to do tomorrow, so you can’t nurse a hangover and you most certainly don’t want to be drunk while doing this. “If you didn’t notice, I don’t do this often.” While you’re at it, you tell him, “I don’t know how to suck dick.” He leans against the counter, grinning. “Okay. I don’t mind.” “Also, if you haven’t noticed either, my ass is kind of deflated.” Jimin shrugs. “I’m more of a boob man anyway.” You narrow your eyes, not sure if he’s lying or trying to make you feel better. But there’s no time to dwell when he seriously asks— “Do you still want to do this?” It takes a second for you to muster your courage. And once you do, you know you won’t back down. “All right. Let’s do this!” You walk into his room like you’re about to go fight off a monster. Behind you, Jimin grins and it takes a good moment for him to calm you down. “Are you okay with kissing?” he asks, door shut and distance closed. He’s intimately close and you nod. Finally, your brain stops overthinking and you let yourself feel. Jimin’s lips are full and plush, and they’re good against yours. The soft smacking fills his room. The two of you kiss until your lips part and he begins to lick into your mouth, tongue entering without much hesitation. You fall back onto the mattress, noticing that the bed’s been made sloppily, but better than your own. The pair of you keep kissing and he hovers over you, capturing you against the sheets. Pathetically enough, you already begin to feel your center throbbing and it’s a relief when you both get rid of your clothes. He doesn’t talk much — doesn’t give much commentary or even dirty talk. But you don’t mind. All you’re offering after all is soft sighs and quiet moans. Jimin squeezes your breasts and fingers you for a good minute. He’s surprised to see how wet you are, even letting out an ‘oh shit’, but you make no efforts to come up with an excuse. The stretch feels good from his thick fingers, but you bet it’ll feel good around his girthy cock too. He goes to grab a condom from his drawer, but pauses. “Do...you want me to eat you out?” “I’m good,” you politely decline, afraid it might be too intimate. You’re not sure where the lines are drawn, but it’s something you’ll have to gauge while you go. “Do you want me to suck your dick? You might have to teach me though.” The corner of his mouth tugs. “I’m good too.” As Jimin rips open the condom package, you turn yourself around and get onto all fours. He doesn’t protest and when he enters you, it feels good enough for you to fall forward into the pillows. His cock is of average size, but he’s girthy and your cunt stretches to accommodate him. He groans in his throat when you clench — and the sound gets you off, making you squeeze again. Jimin pounds into you, his pelvis hitting the meat of your ass, cock drawing in and out against your tight, warm walls. You do your best to meet his thrusts halfway, jerking your hips back and you stifle your moans with your teeth sunk into your bottom lip. The sloppy sounds of slapping and the creaking of his bed makes you glad his roommates are gone. And while the sex is not mind-blowing per se, it’s still good. Enough that you climax once he rubs your clit several times and he unloads into the condom too. It’s easier than you thought it would be. Not a big deal whatsoever. It took ten minutes in total and it felt good. It’s just sex — and that’s exactly it. Just sex. The very lesson of the art of benefits. You pick up your clothes off the floor, slipping them back on. “I gotta get going.” There’s no snuggling, no cuddling, no pillow talks. And it doesn’t seem like he minds whatsoever. “‘Kay.” Jimin picks up his phone off his bedside table to check his texts and waves goodbye without even looking at you. You leave, walking yourself out and humming as you stride down the hall. You’re glad you went through with it.

[2nd Year Winter Semester] You run there with your sandwich stuffed in your cheek. By the time Jimin opens the door, you’re still chewing while panting. It’s a comical sight by the way he smiles at you. You’re already winded before anything’s started. “I hadn’t eaten yet and I needed to get my blood sugar up.” Jimin’s lips are quirked. “We can always eat beforehand, you know. There’s food in the fridge.” “Nah, I’m good.” Having meals with your friends with benefits is the last thing on your mind. He shrugs. “Suit yourself.” You use his bathroom, releasing your bladder and rinsing your mouth thoroughly. You know yourself and you’re not a novice on how these relationships work. The less interaction and knowledge you have about him, the more you can keep your distance. “G-God,” he exhales shakingly, hand fisted in your hair. “You’re getting b-better at this….” Jimin watches through heavy lids as you’re slobbering over his cock. He tries his best to watch, but when you run your tongue over the weeping slit at the bulborous head, his eyes shut and his head naturally knocks back. You’ve gotten better at a lot of things in the few months that have passed, namely sucking dick, but your jaw aches and you wonder when he’s going to cum. It’s worth it though. You might be the one kneeling in front of him, but you feel powerful. It’s too easy to make him crumble. To make him moan like that. It makes you wet to hear him and knowing you could bite off his dick or make him lose a load, the sheer power eggs you on. Like you were taught, you inhale, ease your muscles and take Jimin as far as you can. He chokes as his cock hits the back of your throat. Your gag reflexes threaten your endeavour but you keep them at bay and Jimin’s hand in your hair tightens. Especially when you swallow. “Fuck. I-I’m going to cum.” Thank god. Finally! Usually, you let off so he can cum elsewhere (god forbid in your hair) or if he accidentally does it in your mouth, you spit it out on tissue. But this time, you made a commitment to yourself. You came here with a goal. So you inhale again and deep throat him, sucking as much as you can. With his curly pubic hair grazing your nose, Jimin cums. His groans staccato. His cock twitches. And you swallow the bitter, white fluid that comes out in ribbons. After a few seconds, you finally withdraw. Jimin opens his eyes, staring at you in wonderment. There are strands of saliva from between his softened cock to your lips and you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand. “Not gonna lie.” You clear your throat and swallow down the remaining taste. “That’s really nasty.” Jimin bursts out laughing. “Thanks.” “It’s the least I can do.” You stand up, shaking your left leg awake. It feels like pins and needles when you step around. “I’ve sat on your face like twice already.” You toss Jimin his pants off the ground and you get your cardigan back on. “You wanna come over on Friday?” “Uh…” You grab your phone from your jacket that’s also been discarded and check your calendar. “Sorry. Can’t. I’m busy on that day.” His brows raise, but he doesn’t question it. “How about Saturday?” you offer. “No. I have a kines exam scheduled.” Your face twists in disgust. “On a Saturday?” “Yep. I know. It sucks.” You sympathize, but you’re also surprised. “I didn’t know you were a kines major.” “What? I thought I told you.” “Guess I forgot.” You put yourself back together and a thought strikes you. Your eyes light up and you turn to your friend with glittering eyes. “Does that mean you can crack bones? I’ve always wanted to go to a chiropractor since my lower back always hurts. You should crack it for me.” Jimin grins. “Sorry, I don’t know how to do that. They don’t really teach you that kind of stuff.” “Oh.” Your eyes dim and you don’t try to hide your disappointment. You almost thought you could get a little more out of him, but you suppose decent sex is enough. As you grab your bag, you notice that his phone lights up. “You got a text from Victoria.” “Thanks.” He reaches over, but the curious expression on your face must be visible, since he says, “Don’t worry. She’s not my girlfriend or anything. She’s just someone I’m kind of into.” “Nice!” The corner of Jimin’s mouth quirks at your genuinely excited response even though he never looks away from the screen. You’re psyched though. If he has an interest in someone else, there’s less chance for anyone to catch feelings. Fewer connections. More distance. “If you ever want to end this, just let me know.” You throw your backpack on that’s heavy with your laptop and textbooks inside. “Yeah.” “I’m going now.” “Bye.” Jimin’s fingers fly across the screen to text the other girl back and neither of you spare each other a glance. The door shuts moments later and the noise echoes through the walls.

[3rd Year Fall Semester] In spite of being a junior now, things have relatively remained the same. According to course outlines, lectures are more in-depth in their content, but there’s still assignments, papers, and midterms. The grading schemes haven’t changed and you know there’s a shit ton of work waiting for you in the coming months. But you find pleasure wherever you can. The door opens, but it’s not Jimin on the other side. “Hey, Y/N.” Taemin, his roommate, is eating chips. “He’s in his room.” “Thanks.” You shuffle inside and after briefly greeting Jongin, the other roommate, who’s busy playing Animal Crossing on the living room couch, you beeline to his room. You find Jimin hunched over his messy desk, rounded spectacles on the bridge of his nose as he’s tapping furiously across his laptop keyboard. He glances at you. “Sorry. I need a second.” “Take your time.” You set down your bag and shed your coat, tossing it aside. You’re not sure what he’s doing, but you don’t ask. Instead, you pull out your phone and run through your usual apps. With no messages to answer or anything to scroll through, you check your email and find the words ‘emergency’ in one of the subject lines. After a minute, Jimin saves his document and closes the lid of his laptop. He stretches above his head with a groan and turns around, only to find you now hunched over your own device. “Sorry,” you mutter once you feel his gaze on you. “My manager needs me to fill out my timesheet and send it to her.” “I didn’t know you worked.” “Just part-time at the admissions office here on campus.” You go quiet as you skim over your email again to ensure it makes sense. “It’s a pretty easy gig.” He hums and you finish, shutting your laptop and sticking it back into your bag. That’s when you finally get a good look at the boy across the room — dark hair, blue shirt and gray sweats — and you notice how tan he’s gotten. It’s a good look. Your mouth tugs. “Did you travel over the summer?” “I went to the Caribbean with my family for like two weeks.” “Fancy.” “It was alright.” He gets up and re-stacks the textbooks on his desk into a single pile. Jimin notices the stack of flyers he was supposed to distribute. “Oh yeah. Do you want to join the crayon club?” Your brow lifts. “The crayon club?” “Yeah, you can come colour every Wednesday night and just hang out with people.” Jimin grins boyishly. “My friend wanted to make a club and he made me the communications executive. I’m supposed to get people to join. You don’t have to, but the first meet and greet is this Friday, and the more people the better. There’s gonna be free food by the way, if that helps.” You’re not sure that's a good idea. The two of you have never really met up outside of his dormitory, aside from the first time you met at the library. “Let me check my calendar.” You grab your phone again and thoughtlessly mumble, “Sometimes I’m busy on Friday. I’m part of the board games club and we meet up every other week…..don’t judge.” “I’m not.” Still, Jimin's smile widens and you feign a pout. You’re free this week. “I’ll come if you make me an executive too,” you quip carelessly while tossing your phone aside. “It’ll look good on my law application.” Jimin quirks his head. He didn’t know you were aiming for law school. “Okay.” “Wait.” You’re taken off guard, eyes as wide as saucers. “Seriously?!” He with a small laugh. Jimin gets up and closes the distance, making you lean against the headboard until he’s completely hovering over you, mere inches away. “We actually need a position filled anyway, so you just saved me some trouble.” “You better keep your promise, Park.” You end up showing with Wendy and Tiffany in tow — the former who wants to raid whatever food there is and the latter genuinely interested in colouring as a means of relaxation. It’s a bit awkward to meet so many new people at once and Jimin’s friends at that, but you can tell they’re nice at heart. Albeit, a bit rambunctious and too friendly. And you’re a bit horrified when one of them tries to eat a crayon to further advertise the club. “So, what’s up with you and Jimin?” Tiffany asks, peering up at you as she colours in the lines carefully. She’s unaware of your arrangement with the boy. It’s not something you’ve told many. You feign ignorance, not wanting to get into the details with strangers around. “What do you mean?” “Are you dating him?” You scoff. “I wish.” Immediately, Wendy’s brows raise to her hairline and the words that fumbled out of you thoughtlessly finally sink in. “I mean, no, we’re not. Not I wish.” Luckily, Tiffany spares you and doesn’t pry. But you’re mortified and you glance at Jimin from across the room laughing noisily with his friend. You turn away from him, trying to create more distance.

[3rd Year Winter Semester] With exam season here, you and Jimin hadn’t seen each other in a while. Luckily, Spring break was approaching, so you at least had something to look forward to. The idea of being able to lay in bed and sleep in automatically puts you in a good mood. Jimin, however, seems less than stoked. You watch from the bed as he runs a hand through his hair, messing it up before you’ve gotten a chance to. He was frowning when he opened the door, greeted you with one word and in general, has been quieter than usual. “Is….everything alright?” You wonder if you did something to piss him off, but then he says— “I flunked my final.” Oh. That explains his bad mood. “The one you took this morning?” you ask. “Yeah.” Jimin deflates with an extended sigh. “I didn’t get the first twenty questions and then I fucking ran out of time….” There’s a pause that lingers. “Well, you’re not sure if you actually failed, right?” You lean closer to him, quirking your head to the side. “The marks haven’t been released and who knows, the prof might curve it.” “Maybe. I don’t know.” Jimin scrubs a hand over his face, uncertain and stressed. “This ruins everything. I’m trying to get an internship at a clinical rehabilitation facility and I want to apply for a masters and now...fuck.” You’re surprised. You didn’t know he had so many goals. “I’m screwed.” Jimin flops back onto his mattress, staring at the ceiling. You loom over him, blocking his view. “Does the internship look at your GPA?” “They want a three point o average or more.” “What do you have now?” “Three point five.” The corner of your mouth pulls and a rush of air leaves your nose in a snort. “Then you’ll make it! Even if you failed one exam, it wouldn’t tank past a three. It can’t be too bad, right?” “Yeah, I guess.” Jimin sighs and absentmindedly tugs on your strand of hair that’s fallen in front of your face and is grazing against his cheek. “I just don’t know anymore.” “It’s going to be fine,” you reassure, slapping your hand on his shoulder. “You’re just overthinking it.” “Maybe,” he hums. A sudden thought comes across your mind and your small smile turns devious. “Let me make you feel better.” You shift to straddle his hips and instantly, his hands lift to your waist. Jimin starts to grin as you pull at his shirt, trying to get him to strip. And you do your best to pleasure him. It doesn’t take much effort considering Jimin’s hand is already tightening in your hair the minute you run your tongue along his shaft. But he doesn’t let you suck him for too long, eager to feel you inside instead and pleasure you just the same. It’s eager and messy sex. You’re on top until your thighs begin to burn and you lose your pace. Then he re-repositions the both of you, so you’re flat on your back and he’s doing most of the work. You end up cumming twice. Once around his covered cock and the other time after he coaxes you around his stiff tongue and eggs you on, even when you’re sobbing from the overstimulation. It feels good. Better than good. Over time, the pair of you have gotten to know each other’s bodies better, what works and what doesn’t. Your relationship with Jimin is an investment that feels worth it. “Hey…” You’re both facing away from each other as you put your clothes back on. Jimin turns his head and you cast him a glance. “I was thinking of maybe starting birth control…” He blinks. “If you go get yourself checked out and make sure you’re clean, we can do it without condoms.” You pull down your sweater over your head and you both stare at each other. He looks surprised and responds in a delayed manner, “Okay. Cool. I’m down. I’ll get myself checked out this weekend. I haven’t really slept with anyone else since this started though.” It’s your turn to be caught off guard. “Really? What...about that girl you were into? Vicky?” “You mean Victoria?” He jumps as he puts on his sweatpants, getting both legs through at once. “Nah. It didn’t end up working out.” “Oh.” He’s entirely nonchalant about it, so you merely nod. Jimin walks you to the door and you notice that he’s in a better mood than earlier. You hide your smile to yourself, glad that it was mutually beneficial. Two weeks later, he gets an email before the two of you get down and dirty, and you’re the first one in his life to know that he got the summer internship. His excitement is infectious and you genuinely feel happy for him.

[4th Year Fall Semester] It’s so close, you can taste it. A whole new semester and cart of overpriced textbooks later meant you were a senior now. It also meant that there was just this year left and you were out of here. Finished at least one degree. A step closer to making the big bucks and being a whole ass adult. The idea is both exhilarating and frightening. 2:20pm. Jimin: Wanna come over? The text mocks you, but the temptation is tangible. Like a carrot tied at the end of a stick that’s attached to a hungry rabbit. You’ve been sexually frustrated since last night, feeling it in your loins since morning, and fidgeting and rubbing your thighs underneath tables and desks. The thought of getting that sweet relief properly is enough for you to want to ditch class altogether, but you can’t. Not for the next few days. 2:22pm. Y/N: can’t. 2:22pm. Y/N: I’m on my period :(( 2:23pm. Jimin: I don’t mind 2:23pm. Y/N: really???? 2:24pm. Y/N: are you sure 2:25pm. Jimin: lmao 2:25pm. Jimin: yes You brace through the rest of the lecture, paying more attention as the anticipation swells. And when it’s all over, you race across campus to the dormitory building you’ve become familiar with. Jimin opens the door before you need to knock and he plants a chaste kiss against your lips in greeting. You’re taken off guard, but don’t pay too much attention to it. “How was class?” “Good. You?” “Same,” he hums. You drop your bag in his room and gesture below your waist. “I’m going to need to wash up. The nether regions are a bit…” He smiles. “Sure. I got spare towels I can set down too.” You self-consciously linger for a moment as he goes to his closet to the upper shelf. The towels are luckily green and not white. “I’m surprised you’re okay with it. Having period sex, I mean.” “Why wouldn’t I be?” Jimin pushes his blanket aside and puts a towel down. “As long as you’re fine with it, then I am too.” “I don’t know. Doesn’t blood gross you out?” “Not really? Most of the time I’m the one making the mess, so it’s actually nice to have someone else make the mess for once. Plus sex is sex. What’s there to complain about?” His brow lifts and he looks at you. You scoff and it makes Jimin grin. You wash yourself up and he fucks you in missionary position on top of the towels. The pair of you have only done so a few times before. Typically, you’re face down, bent over, on all fours or looking away from each other. But the change is welcome. Jimin hovers over you and you can kiss him when you want to. “F-Fuck.” A pitched moan unintentionally spills from you when he hits a spot at your walls that has your toes curling. “Ji...min.” It’s more lubricated than usual, making the strokes easier. He goes softer too. Deeper. Jimin presses your thighs to your chest and makes you feel him all the way to your throat. The boy smiles tenderly at your reaction in spite of panting himself. “Feel good, baby?” “Y-Yeah.” You nod, eyes shut tight. You grip his forearms when he bottoms out again. “Always does.” Your warm walls pulse around his thick cock and you end up cumming soon after. He groans into your neck at how you tighten around him like a vice grip and he thrusts into you one more time before his cum fills you. The pair of you jump in the shower together to get cleaned up and then you’re picking up your clothes while he tosses the towels in the laundry. “What were you working on, on Thursday?” You blink, realizing that you texted him vaguely about being swamped and unable to come over, and that’s enough for you to unload and go on a tangent. “God, don’t remind me. It was my fucking thesis. I barely managed to finish it but I don’t even know if it makes sense and now I have to edit like fifty pages by myself before giving it to my supervisor, so that’s fun.” It feels good to let it off your chest. Jimin smiles subtly at your venting. “I could always edit it for you.” “What? Seriously?” “Sure.” He shrugs. “I’m not in poly sci, but that might make me a bit more unbiased. I’m not doing much these days either.” “Oh my god.” There’s an overpowering urge to bow at his feet or suck his dick until you’re gagging or do both. “You’re a life-saver!” Jimin laughs and it’s the sound of angels singing. “Just send it over. I can get it done by tomorrow. You have my email, right?” “Of course I do. Duh!” Your grin is big enough that your cheeks hurt and he has one that matches it as well. // A few weeks fly by and things calm down enough that you can finally breathe. But that’s when you receive a little text from a certain someone that has you skeptical if you can rest easy. 6:48pm. Jimin: I have a surprise for you 6:48pm. Jimin: I forgot about it You’re not sure what it is, but asking would be like pulling teeth with him. Jimin hates spoilers and he likes surprises all too much. Lately, you’ve both been getting into some freaky shit. Buying toys, blindfolds, handcuffs. As adventurous as college kids with a limited budget can get. It was rather fun for the pair of you, and expectedly, some experiments work out better than others. It sends goosebumps all over your skin every time he talks dirty. You like it when Jimin spanks you too. Although, you’re still unsure about the whole candle wax on your body idea. But there’s one thing for sure — Jimin can most definitely not role play for his life. The whole school girl fantasy lasted a good five minutes before he started bursting into giggles and breaking character every other second. Playing doctor only made you realize how ticklish he was too. And the tickle fight that followed was definitely not something one would call ‘sexy’. Even if it did lead to the deed being done. “Hey.” Jimin greets you with a grin and a chaste peck against your lips. “How was studying?” “Fine.” You brush off the question quickly, too curious of what he has in store. “Jimin, I’m not going to use that twelve inch dildo unless you want to drive me to the ER.” He bursts out laughing. “That’s not it. Good try though.” Instead of going to his room like you usually do, Jimin leads you past the kitchen area to the table. It’s been cleared off and you give an inquisitive expression. He grins and then gestures to it. “Lay down.” “What?” “Just lay down.” He takes your hand, guiding you on it and you obey wordlessly. It doesn’t seem like any of his roommates are home and you hope they don’t come back any time soon lest they find you lying face down on their dinner table. You feel Jimin round the table and pull your ankles together. You tilt yourself up to peek at him, but then he barks— “Down.” With a pout, you return to your position, arms folded underneath your head. You hope he isn’t about to rub spices on you and roast you in his oven like it feels like he’s doing. You feel the gentle pressure of Jimin’s hands against your spine, his thumbs pressing into your skin and he hums, “Relax. Okay. Breathe in for me.” An inhale is taken and his hands suddenly press into the middle of your back. You hear your bones crack loudly. It catches you off guard and you turn yourself with wide eyes. “You know how to do it?!” He boyishly grins. “I might’ve learnt a thing or two during my internship.” “Keep going, keep going.” You flip yourself over again, gesturing to your back and he laughs, going down your body and cracking your bones. You become butter in his fingertips, lower back feeling better already. “Lift your leg for me.” You follow his instructions to a t. “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?” you ask sleepily, lulled by his care. If he massaged you too, you might just cream your pants. “I got this, I got this,” he reassures with a bit of arrogance. “I’m not a professional, but I know what I’m doing. You trust me, right?” A noise is made at the back of your throat. “If you break a bone on accident, I’ll sue you,” you mumble as he turns you over. “God, feels good.” After a while, Jimin gets you to sit up and continues. He looks nice when he’s concentrating. Expression blank. Lips plump and in a line. Brows only slightly furrowed. “Considering you don’t have any ailments, you don’t need to get your bones cracked often. You should stretch and do some exercise instead.” You scoff. “Having sex with you is enough exercise.” To prove your point, you latch onto his arm and tug him towards you. Jimin smiles and the two of you break a sweat against each other on the table before either of his roommates come home.

[4th Year Winter Semester] It was an invitation that you would’ve called yourself crazy for offering a year ago. But if it wasn’t for him editing your thesis and taking a load off your mind, you would’ve had a harder time. You had him to thank for that. “So?” Jimin’s seated across from you at the restaurant booth. It wasn’t surprisingly difficult to ask him to grab a bite with you. For some reason, you thought he would reject. “What’s the big news?” Instead of answering, you reach into your bag and slide the envelope across the table. He’s curious and takes it, pulling out the letter to read. You sip on your water, watching his expression intently. He mutters the words and it takes him through the first paragraph before he realizes. Then, at once, Jimin’s eyes widen. His mouth drops and he looks at you proudly. “You got into law school?” “Three of them,” you tell with a cheesy grin. “T-That’s….fucking amazing. Holy fuck.” He reaches over and hugs you. It’s awkward considering there’s a whole table in the way, but you appreciate the sentiment. You’re giddy and giggling at how excited he is. It makes you feel like the first time you opened the letter yourself. Jimin presses a kiss against your hair before withdrawing. “When did you find out?” “Two days ago. I really thought I wasn’t going to get in since I got rejection letters last week from the other schools, but then three of them came in rapid succession.” He shakes his head, still in awe. “Congratulations. Seriously. You deserve it, Y/N. God knows how hard you worked.” “Thanks.” You smile to yourself, fiddling with the hem of your blouse. “I was thinking of maybe leaving the city to a different uni, but….I’m going to stay with my parents for as long as I can to save up on loans.” “Yeah, sounds good.” He nods. “Moving out can be expensive.” “What about you? Have you applied to your masters program yet?” Jimin laughs. “Actually, I was planning on telling you that today too. I didn’t bring any fancy letter with me though.” You lean closer, sitting on the edge of your seat. “You got in?” “I did. Yesterday.” His enormous smile causes your own to expand. “I’m gonna do it part-time while working at the same facility I did my internship at.” You’re happy for him and you can tell by his expression that he’s genuinely excited for you too. The pair of you were taking steps forward for your future and while it was a little scary, for now, you enjoy the victory and pig out at the restaurant with little restraints. At the end of the night, you’re both wine drunk when you stumble back to his dorm room and soon, you’re trying to muffle your whimpers with your teeth sunk into your bottom lip. It doesn’t help when he presses the humming vibrator to your clit harder. “J-Jimin,” you sob, fingers twisting into his sheets. You’re slumped against the headboard as he surrounds you. “Louder,” he commands, watching you through heavy lidded eyes. The cold air of his bedroom made your nipples hardened, yet you feel hot all over, under his gaze and ruthlessness. Your hand curls around his wrist. “Your roommates are sleep—” You cry and keen against his chest when he plunges the toy into your swollen cunt that’s leaking down your ass and thighs. “It’s okay,” he murmurs in a low voice against your ear, “Let it go.” You feel the toy nudge against your cervix, the vibrations trembling through your body and you orgasm hard with your forehead pressed against Jimin’s shoulder. Even then, he continues to draw it in and out of you, studying how you’ve creamed around the vibrator, how your slick is dripping to his sheets that are already stained with the scent of your shampoo. “J-Jimin,” you whine loudly, not knowing if you’re trying to lean away from his touch or closer. “T-...too m-much!” “You can take it,” Jimin softly coaxes and you nod. You cum again after a minute and he immediately kisses you with a big smile before peppering pecks down to your neck. It makes you feel ticklish and winded. “Hey...Jimin…” “Hmm?” “Are we still gonna do this after we graduate?” you ask in a quiet voice, laying back in the ruined sheets. “I’m gonna be busy and you are too.” “We’ll figure it out.” He flops beside you and you both face each other. Jimin’s arm is draped over your waist and you stare at one another for a moment before he closes the distance. Jimin nudges you for a languid kiss, your noses brushing as his soft, plush lips press against yours. It’s unhurried. Slow. He urges your mouth to part for him and his tongue slips in as you whimper, giving you a chance to properly taste him. Sloppy, wet noises fill the room while heat rises to your cheeks. But you’re unbothered while swapping spit with Park Jimin. It’s lazy, yet it feels good. So much so that you’ve relaxed entirely. In the back of your mind, you know you should get up and put some clothes on. Any cuddling or post-sex touching has largely been unprecedented before this and it’s not good to make habits you’ll have to eventually break. You should get your sweater off the floor, or at least slip on his purple t-shirt…. But you give into the temptation and shut your eyes for one second. One mere second. That’s enough for you to doze off. When Jimin realizes you’ve accidentally fallen asleep, he smiles to himself and tugs the blankets up to your shoulders, securing you in warmly. // You stifle another yawn with your hand. It’s 9:30 in the goddamn morning and way too early for you. There’s a reason you pick afternoon classes, go to work afterwards and then go see Jimin to end your day off. There’s no situation good enough that warrants your alarm blaring before eight — but you suppose a graduation ceremony could be an exception. “There’s so many people,” your dad gasps in wonderment, looking around the vast hall. “Do you know them all?” “No.” You hold in your sigh. “I don’t.” For the past twenty minutes, you’ve been running around looking for your parents after they’ve wandered off and gotten lost. If they weren’t spamming their cameras on their phone and telling you to smile in front of the odd statue or the meaningless bulletin board that wasn’t even part of your faculty, it was calling your name as loud as they could to find you in the crowds. You’re happy over their enthusiasm but also burdened. It’s a lot of mixed feelings. “Y/N?” Dark hair and brown eyes — a certain someone who you weren’t expecting to run into is staring right at you with a boyish smile. “Jimin?” He looks good, a suit underneath and a black graduation gown over it that falls to his calf. His gown has a golden hood and tassel while yours is white — the colours symbolizing your different faculties and areas of study. “Hey.” His gaze is warm. “You look nice.” “Thanks. You too.” You don’t linger on him for long, not when his parents are right by his side. You divert your vision and greet them politely. Jimin surprisingly looks a lot like his dad and his mom has a kind face. They seem like sweet people and you’re suddenly breaking into a sweat. “Nice to meet you.” Your own parents make themselves known and you feel like your worlds are colliding as they shake hands and exchange names, congratulating each other on their child’s graduation. You’re about to get them moving along when your mom nudges you. “Is this your boyfriend?” Her voice is way too loud and you feel yourself burn in embarrassment. “No. He’s just a friend,” you whisper it sharply but much your dismay, they look unconvinced. You miss the way Jimin smiles to himself. “We should get a picture!” his dad declares and your own dad looks even more elated at the idea of spamming more pictures. You already had to delete a hundred blurry ones, but your mom ignores your groan and pushes you both towards some weird artwork on the wall. “Stand over here! Over here! Smile!” Your parents end up sitting next to each other on the rows and you have no words, forced to sit at the bottom with the rest of your graduating class. It’s a wonder that the Arts Faculty was scheduled right before the Faculty of Kines. Fate or coincidence, you’re not sure yet. But it’s still nice to see Jimin walk the stage and be able to cheer for him. “Congratulations, Mr. Park.” He grins. “Congratulations to you too, Miss L/N.” It’s certain that the numerous celebrations with family, friends and relatives will be chaotic, so you take advantage of the opportunity while you still can. You steal just a little moment for your selfish desires by standing outside before you’re both bombarded by your circle of people. “You know, I couldn’t have done it without you.” “Oh, stop it with the sappiness.” You can’t feign a roll of your eyes when your smile is so big. He swings an arm around your shoulder, pulling you close and laughing. “Why? Don’t like it?” And the little shit slyly leans in to whisper, “You like it when I call you my baby though.” “Jimin!” He laughs and you sigh with a smile. You’re glad you ran into him.

[Post-Graduation] You open the door, welcoming yourself in. “Hey.” Jimin’s on the couch and glances at you, unfazed at how you’ve waltzed right into his apartment with little warning. You’ve always knocked out of courtesy for his roommates, but ever since he moved out of the dormitories, you find little need to make him walk all the way to the door. He’s watching a thriller and you flop down on his couch, leaning over to plant a quick peck against his mouth as a greeting. “How was work?” “It was okay. A bit busy. I met this nice old lady and we chatted for a bit. She called me handsome, so there’s that.” He grins and you scoff lightly, leaning your cheek on his shoulder as you watch the main character venture into an abandoned house on screen. Jimin loves his praises, so you’re not wholly surprised he’s kept a mental note of it. You’re not sure why it’s important though. Anyone with eyes would agree he’s good-looking. “How was class?” “Awful,” you mumble, feeling tired against him. You came over to get rid of some sexual frustration, but you’re not even sure you have the energy to do anything anymore. “Commuting was brutal this morning. Traffic was backed up on the highway and I was late, and yesterday I had to drive back at night. My parents are driving me nuts too. I can’t study properly.” Jimin hums a soothing note and slings an arm at the back of the couch where you’re sitting, letting you lean into him. It goes quiet as the two of you watch the suspenseful scene and then he absentmindedly pipes up after a minute, “You could always move in with me.” He continues, “It’s closer to the university and it’s quiet during the day, so you can study. We could always study together too.” It’s a good idea, but— “I can’t afford that.” “I don’t mind paying rent for a while. It’s the same either way.” It takes a second for the words sink in and then you’re peeling yourself off of him. Your gaze is met with Jimin’s, eyes locking into one another and the movie is left in the background. “As roommates?” He shrugs. “There’s only one bedroom, but sure.” A studio apartment. One bed shared. Two people. Watching movies. Having sex. Eating together. It doesn’t sound bad to you whatsoever, but you contemplate it. It swirls around inside your head and you murmur, “Isn’t that breaking the rules of being friends with benefits?” And you don't know why but Wendy’s words from the other day are echoing inside the caverns of your brain at the worst moment. “You know, your relationship with Jimin isn’t exactly normal.” You weren’t sure what she meant and you still don’t know. Not when she had advertised and encouraged this kind of arrangement all those years ago. When she had told you many people got involved in each other like this. But you’re starting to wonder if something is off. Did you do something wrong? Did your relationship with Jimin spiral out of control? But everything feels normal. After three years, you’d think you would’ve mastered the art of benefits by now. You sigh, getting a headache. Yet, Jimin merely shrugs. As if the definitions and boundaries don’t bother him whatsoever. “Is it?” “Kind of. I mean, living together, being mutually exclusive. It almost sounds like….” “Like what?” His brows lift. “Like we’re dating?” You feel hot in your face, skin toasted like a furnace. Maybe you’re being delusional or silly. Maybe he’s going to laugh at you. “This is what couples who are going to get engaged do.” “Maybe we should date then…?” The pitch of Jimin’s voice raises at the end, not necessarily a question but neither a statement. It’s questionable like he’s unsure how you feel. Like he’s playing a guessing game. And then he smiles at your shocked expression. Jimin turns to face you fully. His gaze is heavy, earnest. “Maybe we should date.” This time, it’s repeated as an assertion. Confident. Unwavering. Sincere. Jimin leans in to kiss you as if he can’t resist anymore. It’s tender, taking you off guard and you lean into him, finally allowing yourself to become surrounded by him. Mind. Body. And soul. When the two of you pull away, he smiles while catching his breath. “I-I’m down if you are. This apartment can be yours and you can study here and sleep here and whatever. We can eat together and I’ll buy you take out or cook. It’s fine if you don’t want to. I’m cool with anything. We can keep being friends with benefits, if that’s what you want….so…......what do you want?” You exhale lightly, feeling warm. “This...is a lot.” “Is it?” Instantly, Jimin appears panicked and you hold back a laugh. “We’ve technically been together for three years and...what we’ve been doing recently is basically dating. In my opinion.” “Did Wendy put you up to this?” “No.” He shakes his head. “Frankly, the person I talk to most these days is you. And I like it that way.” God, you hate him. You pull Jimin in for another kiss, an aggressive and eager one. Enough that you can feel the heat off of his own face. You move to straddle his thighs and when you break apart, you muster a glare at him. “You know, I’ve been trying so hard not to catch feelings. You’re ruining all my efforts, you know that, Park?” He grins. “Is this a yes?” “It is.” This time, he’s the one to kiss you, sealing your lips together as he smiles against your mouth and squeezes giggles out of you. Even if he doesn’t say it, even if he’s saving it for another day, you know from his tender touches that he loves you. And it’s mutual. No longer do you need to worry — leave right after the deed is done or be panicked when you’ve accidentally fallen asleep in his bed. You’re unashamed when he kisses you harder as a greeting, when he holds your hand, when you go out together. You can have pillow talks without needing to guard yourself, cuddle him, call him yours. And when Christmas arrives, meaning sweater weather and snow dusting from the sky, you have someone to keep you warm. Someone who you can come back to and call your home.

#bts fanfic #bts smut #jimin smut #bts scenario #jimin fanfic #jimin scenario #lol I can finally use the smut tag #I know this ain't sfw y'all but I really wasn't kidding when I said I was experimenting a bit more with smut #with that being said I actually really like this fic #IT'S FLUFF AND SOFT AF #I LOVE ME SOME CUTE CHIM DON'T FIGHT ME

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genderfluid-existence · 3 years

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Hi, I’ve been questioning if I’m genderfluid on and off for some time now, and so I thought I’d ask for advice from someone who knows that they’re genderfluid

1. Before you knew for certain that you were genderfluid did you feel like there were possibly other people in your head besides you? Not in a dissociative identity disorder kind of way, but something else? (sorry for the bad wording there)

2. What were some more obscure signs you were genderfluid?

3. Part of the reason why I don’t want to say I’m genderfluid is bc I’m worried actually cis, and that I’m just pretending to be genderfluid due wanting to fit in w/ my friend who is trans/wanting to be more queer than I already am (I already know I’m somewhere on the bi+ spectrum), it’s a coping mechanism for my semi-not-good mental state. (sorry again for the bad wording), do you have any advice regarding this?

Sorry a third time for the bad wording, but I need advice, and this seems like a good way to get it.

Howdy 🤠

I'm always very happy to help, but as always, keep in mind that you are the only person who can say what your gender is, what will make you happiest, and what is the right choice for you. I can only speak from my own experience.

1. Oh boy, quite a question right off the bat. The answer is kind of, I guess. I've actually wondered if I had DID for a long time. I almost certainly don't, but it's definitely very easy to worry that you've confused the two.

It's sort of hard to answer because I don't know specifically what you mean, if not in a DID way. But I'm curious, so do elaborate if you'd like.

I am not a different person when I am a different gender, but it's possible to think of my gendered selves as "personas" in a way, so in that way, I suppose you could explain it like that.

I also engage in a lot of self-dialogue and self-reassurance, which often manifests in my thoughts being formed in a conversational way (including the pronouns you. And yeah, I feel a little weird about it this, but it doesn't seem to cause any issues). There's nothing that indicates that I feel that there is another enitre person on the ends of these mental conversations, let alone that the two ends are different genders. However I still have yet to understand a lot about my inner workings. Some may judge this as a disorder.

Finally, I think I have some identity-formation problems. Including the fact that I often feel like my mental understanding of how I present to people changes a lot. Not strictly in a gender way, nor in a DID way (at least I hope not). I just have trouble forming a stable image of "me", so sometimes it can feel like I'm different people.

2. Hmm, interesting. I'm sure there are many that I have yet to identify since they come with time.

When I was a child I remember having a minor fascination with having a male version of myself. I've found an old drawing of myself next to an imagining of a male version of myself.

Also, I imagine that if questioning is especially long and difficult, it could be a sign of fluidity. I say this because if you feel one way for a period of time and another way for another period of time, it can feel like these experiences contradict each other, and it's abysmally confusing. Like, why don't any of my feelings line up??? If I'm a man, shouldn't I feel like a man all the time? Yesterday I didn't feel that way.

Grain of salt: questioning can be long and confusing for anyone, and dysphoria can fluctuate even for gender-solid folks.

Also, there are some indicators of being trans in general.

For example, dissociative dysphoria is a less discussed manifestation of dysphoria in which you just don't feel real/your surroundings don't feel real.

Also, irrational avoidance. When I was younger, my sister used a lot of highly feminine pet names and terms of endearment, it was just her style. But being around her made me incredibly dysphoric because of these reminders of how she saw me. So eventually I came to associate her with those bad feelings, even though I had no explination for the feelings, since this was before I even knew of transness as a concpet. It took me a while after she stopped to realize Oh shit, that's what it was. Now we've been on much better terms for years.

Also, there are signs that can be indicators of any number of psychological distress (so they could be explained by other mental health issues) like extreme escapism, sleep issues and other depressive symptoms, dissociation, aggression, anxiety, avoidance of social situations, etc.

3. This is common. Firstly, nothing is stopping you from claiming a label. Absolutely nothing. Coming out to yourself doesn't mean you have to come out to others, transition, or take any other steps. So if you're wrong, so what? A label does no harm.

What can have the potential to do harm is transitioning unnecessarily. If you think it's a maladaptive coping mechanism, my only advice is to seek counseling before taking any steps that you think you might regret.

I've never heard of a person worrying that they want to be more queer than they actually are. And indeed I've never heard a detransitioner point to this as an issue. The only thing I could think of, is perhaps a sort of munchausen syndrome where you would theoretically try and gain """ oppression points.""" To be clear, I don't think this is very likely, but not impossible. In that case if it really worries you, I would again seek counseling, since that sounds like a symptom of a larger issue.

I've not quite cracked the nut of what if it's social pressure??? to be honest. And immitation is certainly a common trait among young people (assuming you're young). So, quite honestly, is it possible that you (and I) have tried on the trans label out of imitation of peers? Yeah.

I don't know if there's a solution to this (except of course counseling) other than careful trial and error. Trying on aspects of the male (or female) role and testing to see if it makes you uncomfortable or comfortable. Indeed, many aspects of social and sexual dimorphism can be very evocative of euphoria/dysphoria. Like, being called she/her might elicit relatively minor euphoria/dysphoria, but (cw: AFAB dysphoria) the idea of being vaginally penetrated? Yeah, most people will have a pretty strong reaction to that one (cw: end).

In short, sometimes these worries about "What if it's X?" don't always have an easy answer, and I don't think any trans person can solidly eliminate the question forever. I have a friend who's more than 2 years on T and still occasionally worries that he's secretly cis. But the fact that doubt lingers doesn't stop trans people from transitioning.

I want to be careful here to not seem like I'm saying that you should run right into transitioning with no caution. I just want to frame your doubts in perspective. If gender affirming steps feel uncomfortable, and you find yourself surrounded by doubts, then it's important to listen to that and take a step back. But if you're 90% certain that transition is right for you, but that 10% of doubt is scaring you away, try and put it in perspective. There's a 10% chance you'll regret transitioning, and 90% chance that you'll regret not transitioning. And sometimes only time and experience can close the gap between 90% and 99%.

Gahhh, I seem to be infinitely apt at bloviating; sorry 🥴. Hopefully something in my essay of a response can be of use to you.

#ask #no i have no shame in writing such a longer answer 😤#ok maybe a little lol #but i find externalizing my own advice actually really helps me resolve my own doubts because i share much of this #anyways thanks for coming to my ted talk lmaooo #long post #cw: dysphoria #cw: dissociation

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ladyloveandjustice · 5 years

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Fall 2018 Anime Overview: Double Decker! Doug & Kirill

Double Decker! Doug and Kirill follows a special police force devoted to dealing with cases involving “Anthem”, a highly dangerous super-drug that can be both fatal and grant uncontrollable superpowers. The squad is divided into three pairs of partners. The eponymous Kirill is a enthusiastic newbie who partners with a deadpan, “kind of an asshole” veteran named Doug.

It’s hard to say when a show crosses the line from “dumb in a fun way” to “just mind numbingly dumb” but I’d say Double Decker crossed that threshold around about the midpoint of the series. Which is a shame, because I was rooting for it. It seemed like an anime with a lot of potential- it was humorous, irreverent and bombastic, it seemed fun and colorful with a varied cast, it had a nice variety of ladies in the squad, and two of the ladies, Max and Yuri, were heavily coded as a couple right off the bat-

-with Max (on the left) in particular going putting off some Impressive Lesbian Energy with her aesthetic...and early on Doug announced that his life goal was to “eliminate poverty and class”, indicating the series intended to deal with social issues.

It IS possible to be a cheesy, fun show that is also inclusive and deals with social ills, but Double Decker’s clumsy, simplistic attempts to balance this with the larger goofy plot ultimately meant it fell short of being an truly entertaining romp AND was utterly disastrous at being socially aware.

Double Decker acts like it wants to say something about tolerance at points, but is ultimately gutless, toothless and halfhearted, sometimes verging on offensive. It became apparent the show wasn’t going to be truly LGBT inclusive with a character’s uh, “gender reveal” scene midseries that is a just...a mess. Some characters reactions to the “revelation” are just blatantly transphobic (thinking its hilarious, saying the character in question should “tell the truth" about their sex, etc) and this was never called out or challenged. It’s finally explained (baffllngly late in the series) that rather than actually being trans, this character is a cis man who just disguised himself as a woman for flimsy plot reasons, it doesn’t make how the reveal scene was handled and how it was painted as being “funny” any better. It’s not my lane so I won’t really go into it, but this article at Anime Herald covers the whole mess in detail. The whole thing is SO stupid and honestly there was no reason for it to be a plot at all.

If that “reveal” episode had me feeling wary about the show, the episode following sunk any hopes I had for it. Double Decker didn’t even have the guts to have Max and Yuri be explicitly romantically involved, instead just giving vague, baity hints. What’s worse, the episode focusing on Max was boring as sin. It was painfully bland and on the nose “critique” of high school proms SO rote it even had the girl who wanted to be popular transform into a literal “queen bee” (GET IT). The only thing we actually learn about Max in her supposed focus episode is that she hates proms because a bunch of kids rejected her trans friend at one which caused her friend to turn to drugs and disappear forever. Yep, not only can the show not bother to give us actual lesbians, trans people are just tragic props (and the attempt to say a thing about how trans people are treated badly would have felt a LOT more sincere if transness hadn’t been treated as a joke in THE EPISODE JUST BEFORE THIS ONE).

Doug also only became aware of poverty existing because of a tragic prop- his backstory amounts to a dead little shoe-shining street girl so one dimensional and cliche I’m surprised she wasn’t found frozen in an alley clutching a book of matches, and that one incident made him realize Poor People Shouldn’t Be a Thing so now he’s, uh....well, he’s not really doing anything about it, but he says he wants to, and that’s good enough right?

Yeah, that’s about the level of nuance we’re dealing with here. It’s nice that Double Decker tried, I guess, but if this was going to be the level of its effort, I wish it had just stuck to being a goofy sci-fi show. As it was, even the “goofy buddy cop” aspect felt really hollow because the show didn’t give us a reason to be invested in these partnerships or these characters.

I wanted to be invested! I was SO ready to appreciate the punk butch and her robot girlfriend, but instead we barely learn anything about them or see them interact. I was READY to be tremendously invested in the straightlaced office girl and her vulgar pink haired partner, but we didn’t learn anything beyond their surface personalities- nothing substantial about what drives them or where they come from or anything. Doug had his eye-rolly dead-little-girl backstory and admittedly sometimes amusing snarky asshole personality, but he spends so much time being insincere there wasn’t much to latch onto with him.

Kirill was pretty much the only one in this show who felt like an Actual Character, and I did find him extremely likable- he was utterly sincere in everything he did, full of heart, dumb and enthusiastic in a fun way, and incredibly sweet and supportive to his friends and loved ones (he was also the only one who was chill and accepting about the not-really-trans character too so that earned him some points) but all the stuff going around him was so empty it didn’t matter.

(ending spoilers here)

The show didn’t put the work into making you connect with these characters, but it DID still expect you to be invested in them. One of the kinda-lesbians appears to have died at one point in the show, but it makes zero impact because you knew basically nothing about that character anyway- it instead just feels annoying, like “wow, you’re just gonna kill that gay without bothering to develop her huh” but the show clearly expects you to be devastated. Then when it’s revealed at the end “PSYCH she’s alive for this ridiculous jokey contrived reason haha really pranked you huh” it’s just even more annoying. Just because I’m relieved you didn’t actually bury the gay doesn’t mean you pretending to bury her wasn’t insulting and pointless. All you did was bring my attention to how little you bothered to develop this character and how willing you are to use her and her kinda-girlfriend’s pain as a plot device, so thanks?

(spoilers end)

The humor of the show basically followed “you thought THIS thing was gonna happen but instead WACKY TWIST haha now the narrator makes a snarky comment about it” and while that was fun at first it just got old without anything going on besides that. And as for the plot, it’s...generous... to call it a plot. At the end it jumps straight to “AND SUDDENLY THERE WERE ALIENS” with almost zero foreshadowing and it just gets stupider from there. Such a ridiculous development would work on a show that was either a) a pure farce or b) something super wacky but with enough heart, drama and character to keep you invested, but DD was neither of those things. It was an anime that wanted you to care, but gave no fucks itself.

(Also this show is supposed to be related to Tiger and Bunny but I honestly have no idea how these two anime are connected in-universe. Is this a prequel? sequel? Are they happening at the same time? WHO KNOWS, THE CREATORS SURE DON’T)

The animation was also nothing to write home about, with a lot of awkward CGI shots and pretty ugly clothing designs- it was colorful enough to distract from it a lot of the time, but definitely not winning any aesthetics awards.

So yeah, Double Decker is very far from the worst anime I’ve ever watched, and I like the concept I think it was GOING for- but what we ended up with was something completely mediocre. The first couple episodes were fun, but by the end it was a chore to watch. I finished it because “well I’ve come this far might as well” rather than any real investment in the show. It wasn’t painful (except for the clumsy attempts at dealing with trans issues), but it was so completely stupid and forgettable, which is sad, because it seemed like it had so much potential at the start.

#double decker #double decker! doug & kirill #double decker doug and kirill #anime #fall 2018 anime #anime overview #my reviews

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clove-teasdale · 7 years

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survival of the fittest

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

A/N: not a challenge but has background, some detective clove and rp~ Sorry for any mistakes in writing or typos, I was done with revisions and probs missed some stuff lol. there are mulan and batman (and slight marvel) references. italics section in the end is past. word count around 3k. enjoy! ft. rp with @maya-edwards & little wilson

[edit--some slight changes were made/added in the last section]

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

One earbud in, I tapped the pen against my notebook. 6 Twos in the last Selection. Gradually less than our current 10.

I’d found the list of old Selected in a magazine published over two decades ago. I doubted ripping off the page was allowed considering it was from the library, but it wasn’t an actual book so I sneaked it out anyway. The possibility of someone noticing was extremely low after all.

I kept the page folded and clipped in the back cover of my notebook in case I needed it later, but had already made my own version of the list on a fresh page. I wanted to work through it even with other people around, so I knew I had to make it visually confusing. For once my love for complicated plans came in handy.

The list consisted of name abbreviations. Carmen Zoraya becoming C.Z and so on. Next, to each name, I added caste number and week of elimination.

C.Z-3-W8. R.D.J.-2-W12 B.M-5-W3

Getting the information had taken me hours of reading in the library, but I’d managed. I went through different magazines, hidden between some pillars and a bookshelf to avoid being spotted by other girls that frequented the area. Organizing the old issues by their dates had probably been the biggest challenge–sitting on the carpeted floor, my back to the bookshelf and dozens of magazines on my lap.

I focused mostly on reading eliminations to get the crucial information out, but I hoped to go back later in the week to read about the dramas that had ensued during those months. Maybe that would give some extra insight otherwise dismissed when looking only at the bigger picture.

I wasn’t sure why I was still working on this. A gut feeling? Many psychologists debated there was always information and data our right brain was taking in, no matter if our left brain was busy on something else. The body registers the information even when your mind stays unaware. If that were true, what had I noticed besides the already obvious? I couldn’t tell, but it didn’t matter. I had enough spare time to work on it.

Running through the names again, I added strikes under Threes. I was in the eighth strike when I caught a girl approaching from the corner of my eye. She was the embodiment of nervousness, eyes searching the room as she clutched a book to her chest. There was an empty spot next to me, but she hadn’t noticed it yet when Victoria walked behind her. The TV sensation hadn’t even batted an eye in her direction, but the girl with the short afro was startled nonetheless.

The book was soon in the air as she juggled it around in an attempt to catch it. She wasn’t as swift as a coursing river though and it fell to the ground pretty quickly.

She sighed, shoulders slumping in disappointment. I stared in silence, making sure others hadn’t paid much attention to the event before stating, “I think you dropped something.”

She was startled once more, but this time by my voice, a groan leaving her lips as she realized the spectacle had had an audience. “You saw all that, didn’t you…”

“Does it make it any better if I say no?”

She reached for the book and once standing, nodded a little, a worried frown as she said, “A-actually yes…”

I raised an eyebrow at her fear, unsure of the reason behind it, but settled with an “Okay,” and went back to my notes. I knew the best thing was not to make any further comments.

“Can I, uh- Can I sit here?” She asked after a moment.

I stopped in the middle of adding another strike to the number of Threes and considered the question. Staring at my notes without context made no sense as expected, so I figured it wasn’t a problem. “The seat is open to the public, you may sit.”

Whether she understood my slightly joking tone or not was hard to tell, but she cleared her throat and sat down either way. “Thanks…”

I’d seen her around before. Maya was her name if I remembered correctly. Sometimes she seemed kind of lost. Not like she didn’t know what was happening, but more like she wasn’t sure why she was there or what her plan was. A combination of shy and awkward was very likely.

Easy targets tend to know what they are. Wilson’s face crossed my mind at the thought. I took the single earbud I was wearing off, then went back to counting Threes. “No need to thank me. You didn’t need my permission to sit there.”

“Uh, well…Maybe you didn’t want company or- maybe it was taken?”

“Whether I want company or not should not scare you away from taking a seat that is there to be used by you.”

She frowned, considering my words. “I suppose not?” A moment of silence. “Sorry?”

I paused my count. So one of those people. Looking up, I raised an eyebrow at her. “Why sorry?”

Her own logic caught up with mine as she stuttered, “Uh-well- I don’t know…”

Trying to run away from embarrassment, she quickly opened her book and pretended to read. Too bad she wasn’t good at pretending.

I smirked down at my notes and said, “I see you have the ability of reading upside down.”

Her blush was unmistakable as she closed her eyes, realizing she was holding the book incorrectly. She tried to fix it, turning it over quickly. “No-Yes, yes, very entertaining, I can tell you.” She cleared her throat at the end and my smirk didn’t leave.

“Mhmm, I bet so. What did you think about the love interest killing his sister?”

“It really uh, turned the story ‘upside down’…”

I snorted at the pun. “Of course… you do realize that doesn’t happen though?” Taking the book from her and reading the page at the bottom I pointed out, “Page 56. The love interest isn’t introduced yet.” Also, there was no sister. Closing the book, I handed it back with a smug smile. Her smile in return was awkward.

“Well, it was worth a try? Sor– I mean, eh the book is nice then? Haven’t read it yet.”

“I figured as much, but yes, it’s a decent one. What made you pick it up?”

“I dropped it? So… Then I picked it up again?” She frowned and a head tilt followed. I frowned too, not getting what she was talking about at first, but then laughing at the mistake.

Once she realized what I meant she was quick to explain she hoped to get some knowledge on palace rules and etiquette considering the setting of the book. In theory, it sounded like something good, but it wasn’t going to be enough and she actually had access to books about the subject in the library. I suggested those for later. She pointed out they were boring in a small voice and I couldn’t disagree. I did tell her a novel wouldn’t help much, however.

“I know, I know…” She pouted, but soon curiosity took over her features. “What are you doing though?”

I stared at my barely understandable handwriting. I had the potential to make it neat if I bothered to try, but half the time I didn’t and especially not now. “A… personal project I guess.” I shrugged it off as I closed the notebook. “Nothing too important.”

“O-of course! I didn’t mean to uh–…” She vaguely gestured with her hands in the air when I waited for her to continue. “You know, to be rude.”

“It’s alright, not that big a deal, just something I don’t think I’d be able to explain.“ A partial lie. I didn’t want to start havoc just because I’d run a couple of numbers that could technically still be coincidental. Thankfully, I usually pulled off keeping things to myself pretty well. “You’re Maya, right?”

“Yes! And you’re Clove.” She smiled, taking another second to remember to offer a hand for me to shake.

I nodded at the name and accepted the handshake. It wasn’t a soft grip, but slightly wary. She could use a little confidence. “You know, you shouldn’t be so frightened by them. They won’t bite you.”

I hadn’t mentioned Victoria’s name, but she got what I meant, biting her lip and trying to joke to dismiss my comment. I wasn’t too impressed. “I mean it.” I opened my notebook, this time on a random page, and started doodling a spiral pattern out of habit. “They seem like they’ll hurt you but if anyone was that mean sabotage would already be happening. Worse case scenario maybe one of them is that petty, but you’d have to piss them off for real to worry about it.”

Maya nodded. “It sounds logical… Thanks anyway.”

That smile was more convincing than the previously given, even if she changed the subject after it.

It took a few seconds for Wilson to stop laughing. “Oh wait, you’re serious?”

Even if he couldn’t see it through the call, I rolled my eyes at him. “You talk as if I can’t make friends.”

“Well, I mean… you can, but you hate them most of the time.”

That got a snort from me. “I don’t hate them. I just don’t trust their intentions.”

“Same difference. Clove Teasdale doesn’t make friends.”

That was a partial truth. I had various friend groups during high school and middle school, but none of them stuck with me. I was that person people wanted to be friends with, but not for any good reasons. It was because we fitted or because it was expected. Other times it was just convenient. Sometimes I wondered if maybe it was me though. Maybe I didn’t know how to be a good friend. That or I had really bad luck.

People at Mt. Rainer High School always seemed to strike some drama no matter what the clique. More often than not, about something I couldn’t understand, but whenever I gave suggestions to make things less complicated I was ignored, an annoyance, or horrible for not supporting a side.

When groups fractured I took a step back. Better alone than in a mess. Wilson had never understood why I’d give it all up and move on so fast, but I didn’t blame him. He knew that it was a smart choice to avoid drama, yet wished he could have that choice himself. He didn’t. He wasn’t really liked around school and therefore had only one friend...Which wasn't that different from me except I could pretend more.

Students liked to say it was because he was kind of a nerd. He knew as much as I did that it was because of his previous Caste though, even if no one would admit so. It was kinda dumb. As dumb as the caste system itself–trying to set a number with the life you’ll get–forcing a talented artist to become a teacher and a physics genius to be Picasso.

Not everyone could pull off a Da Vinci and be good at whatever they were put in. Many people failed because of that. Others were like Wilson’s mother, giving up the life she was born in for a life as a Three with whom she fell in love with. That left Wilson as nothing but a Two by chance. Terrible, dreadful chance that he never even asked for and would probably give up to get his parents back.

I leaned against my chair and got back to our conversation. “Statistically speaking, most people that stay friends are from college so…”

He pretended to be offended. “Ouch.”

”You’re decent enough. But as I was saying, I’ll try to befriend some of the girls. This isn’t school.”

“Hmm, you’re right. Everyone here sucks.”

“Even Graciela?” I teased, remembering the name I’d gotten out of him a few days ago. He scoffed back at me.

“No, she hasn’t been corrupted yet.”

“Now you just have to actually talk to her.”

He laughed for the second time. I was silent. “Oh, you’re serious again.”

I shook my head. “You’re a lost cause, kid.”

It was the middle of freshman year when we met for the first time.

I was placing books in my backpack, my head making a list of the homework for the next day when Cooper pushed him into a set of lockers feet away. I turned my head in the direction of who would one day be the future varsity quarterback as he took care of the new wimpy kid.

Cooper wasn’t really original, trying as hard as possible to go for the popular-jock-bully stereotype as soon as the school year started. Intimidating middle schoolers and stealing lunch money he didn’t even need. It was hard to ignore sometimes, but I did.

Pressing my lips together, I watched as he stepped away to laugh at the boy, inciting his two friends to join him on whatever joke he’d made. Obviously, they did. Cooper’s father was a high ranking officer in the military. He had everything he needed to be on a high pedestal in school one day, which was annoying.

I was on the list of few who ever stood up to him since we’d once been friends. That is before he filled his head with air. The brief moment I got to look at his new prey was enough to recognize the black haired kid holding tightly onto the strap of his backpack with a clenched jaw.

His eyes darted from Cooper to the floor around him, head hidden between his shoulders. I’d seen that face in a million pictures around Mrs. Grayson’s house after my chess classes with her. It was her grandson, the one she always referred to as little robin. Apparently, the kid ran around saying “holy cows, Batman” more than he should when he was seven.

She told my parents he would move in with her soon, being the legal guardian his parents’ had asked for. “Car accident,” she’d mentioned. I had already spotted him in our algebra class a few times that week. He seemed advanced enough to take it before high school which only made him a bigger target.

Cooper nudged him, “Come on, that was hilarious.” Little Robin didn’t seem to have the same spirit Mrs. Grayson always talked about now and only gulped, averting his gaze. Cooper didn’t leave him though. “Cat got your tongue or something? I’ve never heard you say anything in class.” He towered over him, making him press his back even closer to the lockers.

I narrowed my eyes at them and walked over. I hadn’t precisely told Mrs. Grayson I would keep an eye out for him, but I felt like I needed to on her behalf. Sometimes she’d served as a babysitter of sorts when my parents traveled together. She was good to me.

I elbowed Cooper’s friends out of the way and they gave angry glares until they recognized me. They decided to step away instead so I stood behind Cooper and tapped his shoulder.

“What-” he paused mid-sentence as he turned around, eyes locking on me, annoyed for the split second he realized I wasn’t one of his friends. Jaw clenched, he stood up straighter and then mumbled my name between a gritted-teeth smile. “Anything I can help you with?”

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked, flatly.

He offered a charming smile. “Oh, just asking the genius for some tutoring classes. You know how bad I’m at Algebra. I thought I might as well ask him to teach me some stuff. Right George?” He elbowed the kid for a sign of confirmation.

I was pretty sure his name wasn’t George, yet Little Robin didn’t correct him either as he spared me a glance himself. There was a pause long enough to tell Cooper was lying. And though I knew that much already, in the end, the boy thought it was wiser to agree halfheartedly to the lie. Survival of the fittest. He wouldn’t disagree after Cooper established himself as an authority so firmly.

I remained silent, thinking of how to turn the situation around. The kid was new, he didn’t know what to do. It was like a game of poker. Bluff even if you don’t have the upper hand.

“He can’t tutor you,” I stated, earning a confused frown from both.

“And why is that?” Cooper crossed his arms, puffing out his chest. Good thing this wasn’t a matter of physical strength, and if it were, a strategy could give leverage either way.

“Because I asked him to tutor me already.” My turn to lie.

The boy blinked, trying to read between the lines of our conversation while Cooper narrowed his eyes at me. “I didn’t think you needed help with math, Clove.”

“Well, I do, and he promised to help me out.” I looked at the boy. “Right kid?”

Again he only blinked.

Your turn to join the game Robin, don’t disappoint. It took him another second, but his eyes lit up with understanding and he stood up straighter. “Yeah, I um…I did.”

Cooper glared at him and the kid broke eye contact, however, didn’t slump against the lockers anymore. Then the glowering was at me.

I only raised my eyebrows in response, inciting a move from Cooper. His lip twitched, jaw set as I stared up at him. He knew better than to make a scene. I’d tied his hands. He couldn’t force Wilson to tutor him if I claimed he’d agreed to tutor me first. Bringing in a teacher to ‘settle the situation’ was possible if I wanted too. There was no way for him to win.

Knowing how to pick his battles, he turned around to leave but I stopped him. “Wait.”

“What?” he groaned.

I crossed my arms. “Did you take any money from him?”

His eyes flashed as he swiveled around. I waited. He let out a breath through his nose before placing a grin on his face to hide unwillingness. If there was something Cooper hated was letting others know someone had been able to push his buttons.

He turned to the boy, taking a few bills out of his pocket, and forced his voice to sound friendly. “Hey, thanks for lending me the money kid, but turns out I might not need it anymore.”

The boy stared at the money like it was on fire, but accepted its returns when he noticed my head gesture and the jock’s angry gaze.

“Happy now,” Cooper muttered afterward. I shrugged and he stormed off as soon as he could, followed by the other two jerks. Once they were gone I looked back at him.

“You okay?”

His head snapped back in my direction. “What just..”

I didn’t let him finish the question and simply announced, “He lost the game.”

His mouth opened to reply. Nothing came out and I glanced at my watch. If I didn’t get moving I’d have no chance to eat. “Stay out of his way and you’ll be fine.”

“Um… y-yeah, alright. Thanks.”

I nodded. “Clove Teasdale.”

“Geordi Wilson.”

George would have been better… I sized him up. His uniform was in pristine form: shirt tucked in, vest ironed to perfection, hair combed neatly and shoes as shiny as they could be. Not bad by any means, but definitely like he was trying too hard. He would need some help to survive around here.

I turned around to leave. “Stick with Wilson, kid.”

#//fics #//not a challenge #wilson tag #maya tag

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blueboxesandtrafficcones · 7 years

Text

Written on Your Heart - Chapter 1

12 year old Rose finds her soulmate in 15 year old James. This is their story.

Now titled ‘Written on Your Heart’ and available on AO3!

Masterlist

Written for @doctorroseprompts Soulmate September.

10/Rose AU. Will feature: Sarah Jane, Jackie, Donna, Wilf, Mickey, and others

Chapter 1/??

Every soulmated couple was marked in their own unique way. Some couples, arguably the luckiest, had each other’s names inked on their skin; others would only be marked upon a shared touch, or speaking to each other. There was no way of knowing how, or when, a person would be marked until it occurred, if it ever did.

There were two broad categories of the looking – those that knew they were mated but had not yet met, and those that were dependent on luck. Those that knew typically had clues to follow, or at least to eliminate potentials, based on their mark. The levels of contact for those that knew varied depending on their type of bond. Some had a name to be on the lookout for, but nothing else – others were in contact from a young age, but had not been able or allowed to meet until they were of age. They were the lucky ones.

The other category, those who were only marked upon meeting, were not so fortunate. They had no information about their mate; it was quite possible to meet them, even perhaps know them for years, without stumbling upon the trigger for the mark to appear. There were stories, of couples who would work in the same office building and speak every day, and not know they were mated until they actually introduced themselves. Others would be marked upon merely the brushing of the fingers; it was not uncommon to see someone running along the platform of the tube, yelling for their mate, only known of because of the brush of fingers.

Family didn’t seem to have anything to do with the type of mark you would receive; even in large groups of siblings, no two would have the same type of identifier. If your ancestors tended to ‘know’, it was a higher likelihood that you would as well, but certainly no guarantee.

As a child, Rose had always been fascinated by her mother’s mark. Jackie and Pete Tyler had been those with the first words they would ever say to each other imprinted on their skin. After Pete’s death, Jackie’s marks had faded to a faint silver, almost impossible to see but still present.

Rose is twelve when the words first appear on her left palm, accompanied by a slight tickle.

Buy the new Harry Potter book.

What?

She was in the middle of math class, staring out the window, when she glanced down and saw the message. At first, she wasn’t certain how it had gotten there, as it most certainly wasn’t her handwriting. It wasn’t until the bell rang, and she was halfway to her next class the most likely explanation hit her, and she stopped dead in the hallway.

In a fog, giddy with excitement, she had enough presence of mind to make her way to the nearest toilet, heedless of the bell ringing for the next period to begin. Instead, she locked herself in a stall and sat on the toilet lid, staring at her hand in awe, gently tracing the letters.

Eventually, it occurred to her that if she could see his writing, he would likely be able to see if she responded. Digging in her bag for a pen that wouldn’t hurt, she held it poised over her palm, lacking only something to write.

This was it – her first communication with her soulmate! She’d been worried that she would be one of the searchers; that she’d never know if she had a mate, or worse, that she would only know when she lost him. She wanted something special, dazzling; she wanted to charm him, make him fall hopelessly in love with her with only a few letters written on her skin and transferred to his. But what was right?

In the end, she decided to make one thing clear – she was her own person, capable of thinking and deciding for herself. Even though she knew in the back of her mind it was most likely only a note to himself (or herself – it happened), she still wanted to establish herself as independent. So, with a trembling hand, she printed four characters below his message.

Why?

Dropping the pen with a nervous giggle, she waited with baited breath to see what her soulmate would respond with. It took the longest two minutes of Rose’s life, but eventually he (she assumed it was a he; most girls had far better handwriting) replied.

Hello?

Hi! She quickly scribbled back.

This is Came through after a moment, though it seemed like an unfinished thought.

weird strange different new. Her mate seemed perplexed, though she appreciated that he seemed to be trying not to insult her right off the bat.

Yep. Do you write notes on your hand often? She asked. This was the first time she’d noticed it, but that didn’t necessarily mean anything without knowing what was the trigger to initiate the bond.

Sometimes, if it’s important. You?

Drawings, but that’s it. She admitted.

You draw?

Yes.

Well?

At this point, Rose had to roll up her sleeve to continue the conversation, considering her response all the while. After a few moments hesitation, she doodled a simple rose.

Is that a rose?

Yes.

Why?

She paused only for a second, before reminding herself that they were soulmates – even if they’d never met, she could trust him.

It’s me.

You’re a flower?

No – it’s my name.

Rose?

Yeah.

Your name is Rose?

Yeah.

She briefly considered leaving it there, but decided to go for broke.

Tyler.

Uh, actually, I’m James.

No, Rose Tyler.

Oh. James Noble. Hi.

Hi!

Can I ask you something? He replied after a minute.

Sure.

How old are you? She froze, nervous.

How old are you? Rose asked instead of answering.

15. She instantly blushed, sure that he would think she was just a kid.

12.

After that, she didn’t hear from him, though she spent twenty minutes staring at her arm, hoping for a reaction. Finally the bell rang, signaling the end of the period she skipped and the start of her lunch break; shouldering her bag, she walked quickly to the cafeteria, going through the lunch line by rote and finding her friends. A little hurt at his lack of response, she resolutely decided to focus on the rest of the school day, and maybe check when she got home.

In the end, she made it ten minutes into history class before checking her arm, pleasantly surprised to find a response.

Oh. Ok.

I was just a little worried – the exclamation points made me think you might be a bit younger, which would be weird.

Well, it’d be weird now – not in like, 10 years.

Well, maybe still in 10 years – it would’ve depended on how much younger.

But 3 years isn’t that big a deal now. At least for talking.

Hello?

Rose?

I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings – also, for disappearing. I was trying to figure out what to say when my teacher announced a pop quiz. I hope you don’t think

The writing stopped there, but there was an arrow pointing to the left. It took a moment, but then she realized what it meant and twisted to see her forearm, where the message finished.

that I was rejecting you. Because I’m not. I was just a little thrown.

Rose?

I really am sorry – once we meet (if we meet – was that too presumptuous?) you’ll realize that I’ve got a bit of a gob, and it can sometimes take off without me.

Though, I suppose, in this case it’s my hand that’s got away from me.

Please, Rose, don’t let me have ruined this on day one…

It was the final message that truly got her, and she practically knocked all of her books off her desk to scramble for her pen.

Sorry! Remembering belatedly his comment about the exclamation points, she quickly scribbled the whole word out, replacing it with, Sorry. I was at lunch, and didn’t see your message til now.

So you don’t hate me already? It was his fastest response yet, and Rose felt bad for making him worry.

No. Not at all. She only hesitated a moment, before adding a smiley face.

Good!

“Something to share with the class, Miss Tyler?”

Rose’s head jerked up, her smile falling as she realized the entire class, including her teacher, were staring at her.

“Uh, no?” She said meekly.

The teacher raised an eyebrow, but moved on. “Please try to pay more attention, Miss Tyler – the test is on Friday, as you’ll recall.”

As subtly as she could, Rose glanced down at her arm, ready to tell James that she couldn’t talk until after school, only to see a note from him.

Don’t want to randomly disappear on you again – I don’t think I can talk write until after classes are done for the day. Can we speak write tonight?

She managed to scrawl back a hasty OK before turning her attention to the front of the class. History was not her best subject, and she needed to ace the test on Friday to pass with an acceptable grade.

That didn’t stop her from daydreaming about life with her soulmate, though.

Thanks for reading so far! I’m excited about what I’ve got coming up for our young couple - I’m already written up through chapter 8 :)

Any suggestions for a title would be appreciated. (No, seriously - please help!!)

Also, if anyone would be interested in being a beta, please let me know.

#bbatcfic #doctorroseprompts #ficandchips #Doctor Who #human!tenxrose #human!ten #rose tyler #Written On Your Heart #soulmates au #human au

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survivor-kuwait · 5 years

Text

Episode 1 - “Okay, I’m back so fucking buckle up” - Trace

But not two minutes into the game and I'm already stressed out of my mind to see that Nehemiah is here. I swear to god if that kid decides to fuck up my game YET AGAIN, I will lose my fucking mind.

Timmy doesn't seem like a gemini. He seems a little boring. Maybe I'll make a f2 deal with him. That seems predictable though.

Okay, I'm back so fucking buckle up.

This is an interesting twist. I really hope we don't get targeted because I filmed my introduction for 5 minutes. that would suck.

Also, am I the only one that thinks Devon on the Leo tribe looks like Bertram from the show Jessie?

Also, willow, my sign partner seems cool from the one exchange we've had. Hopefully we can work together in this game.

Ok, matt the saggitarius seems really cool. His entire introduction was memes which I approve of. He may be a social threat down the road as he seems very likable.

So anyway the twist of our two person tribes is that we must vote out an entire star sign. This is supposed to be taken sort of as a "first impressions" vote.

The way I see it it would make the most sense to vote for a star sign pairing with a winner since they have already made it to the end in the series and got the votes to win. I think that narrows it to two people (I could be wrong as I am on my phone looking at stuff and it is unreliable.

Owen and Kait have won and Kaits win is less relevant in my eyes since she has gotten sixteenth on her following games. So it makes sense to me to target Owen's sign.

On the other side of this, should we or others choose to target players they perceive as annoying or a liability in the game I think my sign has a high likelihood of being first gone. Nehemiah does not have the best reputation and some might see it better to vote him out before he stirs the pot.

I dont blame them.

Anyway, I kind of like this twist and if I am one of the first out and it's not a twisted twist where we go to redemption island or something to that effect I want my survivor avatar for this season to not be Lil but to be changed to Wanda Shirk.

I am aggrivated at the fact that Matt S. does not know the correct way to eat an oreo.

I sware everyone in this season is from Chicago except for me.

Bro Matt stop eating the damn oreos. I'm trying to hear what you're saying but all I can hear is the crunching noises from the chewing!

mr oreo literaly said he has a deep history of being a wildcard and that you should work with him because he's trustworthy.. this doesn't add up my guy

this dude is literally named chips. now that is epic

Nehe is really ecstatic that he is legal. bruh

Nehe has the weirdest ways of showing the number 6 on his fingers.. like what?

Nehe says he is very emotional.. idk how willing I'm gonna be to work with someone who could potentially use emotions in this game.

Nehe, stop with the gang signs please

Drinking Game: Take a shot Nehe does a gang sign.. post your results below

hmm.... this ascension twist is funny. I am crying laughing because i was like, so timmy, who do we think we should go for? and he was like... nehe hates me.

JOIN THE CLUB. this is the only time that i think a vendetta worked in my favor! so luckily me and timmy are on the same page and hopefully nehemiah is packed up before the game even begins.

I am going to be paranoid quite honestly all day long, because if nehe doesn't like both me and timmy, then that is a big problem for me. also gemini's are batshit, so people could target us for that reason alone. I am hoping that some people will look at other star signs that have really big players and target them, but i'm not idiot. the sheer number of seasons I have played already puts a major target on my back.

I hate this because I basically just have to sit back and watch. but hopefully the pisces will be sent packing and trace will live to see another cracked out day.

Ok so this twist got me big mad. Like I’m happy I don’t have to try to message many people, but only one other person...and this twist wtf. But I’m happy it’s Trace because he seems cool yet here I am being a dead lobster because I suck at having good opening conversations. But I want to talk about the cast I can remember, or at least all I feel like typing right now. Trace and I want the pisces out and thank god because nehe hates me so that’s exactly what I want so it’s lit. Chips is ok but still I’ve fought him in orgs before so it’s for the best that he goes too. Owen and Stevie are scary and this probably is a perfect time to get rid of them but I guess that’s how they (mainly Owen) go far since they know how not to be the biggest threat while still technically being a threat. Maynor is a king...but the last game I played with him I idoled him out so that’s a thing, hopefully we can work on that though because he is a friend. OH OH OH CULLANS INTRO VIDEO OMG THAT WAS A RIDE. Like omg it was over 5 minutes long and he just kept going and I loved every second of it. I’ll look at the rest of the cast tomorrow so expect another cast assessment. Stay litty.

Ok, so I’m looking at the cast reveal now so I’ll talk about those who I haven’t yet. Renée: I think I’ve see Renée around before and like I feel she does well a lot...she might be the one who has won bb Pokémon but idk, if so, gotta keep an eye out. Chole: we stan a European queen like love her accent and she seems cool. Ian: idk who that is and...idk their intro is sports so who cares. Timmy: oh fuck that ugly bitch, they don’t know how to have a social game so they’re gonna flop majorly because they suck. Jacob: honestly idk how I feel about Jacob. I like him more as a person than i have previously like I respect him, but idk how this game will go. Madison: oh she scary and I love her with all my heart and yea but she scary. Idk who Corey and Devon are. Stephen: I LOVE STEPHEN. So I was in his first game ever, which was also Madison’s first game, so they’re family because that cast honestly is tight. At least we were, but I love them all and he is such a good person and I want to play this game with him but idk how it’s going to go. Either way he is one of my favorite people in the community because he is nice and real. Also side note, i was in Maynors first game too (different game than Stephen and Madison) and he won so he’s scary but I love him because I knew him from his start. Idk Taylor but we stan. There are 12 cast reveals so imma stop here because I’m so tired.

First of all, I have never done Tumblr Survivor until now and right of that bat, I'm confused as fuck. My partner, Kait, seems extremely nice and we were forced to be besties day 1. She seems to know more about this community than me so hopefully she can help. I noticed that Beastman (Matt B.) was in this game and Willow? I don't know if that is the Willow I played with previously. I think I also noticed Maynor and Chloe from the FB Survivor community and I am glad to be playing with them. I hope this first vote me and Kait can survive because going out day 2 would be a shame.

Pre challenge eliminations are dumb, that being said I honestly don't care if Taurus is eliminated because of it, literally nothing to be done to avoid it. Fucking do it. I know jack shit about Chloe, I don't care to at this point in time, if we aren't eliminated we'll be on opposite tribes, if we both last long enough to be on a tribe together, that's chill. Every game I've lost because I've played for other people, this go around I don't give a shit about nothing or anybody.

This sign partner twist is very nerve wracking. Because u cant talk with anyone but your sign partner, makes it hard to figure out what the others would vote for. I just hope my partner and I dont get voted out.

youtube

This twist was not the way I was expecting the game to start. Clearly the hosts are ready to send us right into it, but at this point I just really feel like me and Timmy are being lead to the slaughterhouse.

I was talking to Timmy about it, but neither of us know that many people in the game, which could be a good thing for us while we hope our names are kept out of their mouths. Of the few people I have interacted with on this cast, we have pretty mutually pleasant relationships so hopefully that will also keep us safe. I don't know, this is just really tough because there is not much we can do in terms of trying to save ourselves. I will most definitely be sweating all day long until these results are posted.

I am starting to like Timmy more and more. He seems like a nice guy, but sometimes can be a little bit hard to talk to just because he seems to be a man of very few words. No problem with that, just hard to read people that aren't super talkative and open. I have a feeling that we will be split from our teams to make tribes if we make it past this round, so hopefully the little seeds I have planted in Timmy and my's relationship will grow into a beautiful flower by the time we get to a swap or merge situation.

Other than that, there isn't much I can do but to cross my fingers and hope for the best. Hopefully this won't be the end of my journey in Kuwait, but at this point I have to expect the worst possible scenario...

It feels good to be back but I did assume there was gonna bemore newbies than veterans. Yet there isn’t so that’s interesting. The whole zodiac thing is cool in itself but it sucks that someone has to go home so fast best based off past impressions of others. I mean people do t like me. I have a reputation so this twist is not in my favor and Chips my Pisces partner does not necessarily help me jut there either. Chips is likeable but conniving. I mean we def could be the one to go. And it sucks

We ‘decided’ our votes are going on the Scorpios. Like we didn’t have a lot to go by. We brought it down to Libra and Scorpio then we random.org to decide their fate. I cant believe we did that but o well. I just want to survive this first vote.

This is a crazy twist but oh so much fun. I definitely do not feel safe, but that’s every round. I think we made a good choice.

Fun fact: my reasoning for wanting to eliminate Cancer is more than "fuck cancer" that's just the excuse I came up with to tell people as to why I "randomly" voted for Cancer when they inevitably aren't the ones eliminated. It's purely my motivation to eliminate everyone I have have been in a game with before, starting with Madison. If it happens, chill if it doesn't I'll have to find another way to go about getting her, Devon, and Trace eliminated in this game.

omg. Devon is fake as shite I don’t trust his judgment but I also think I can play him in the long run and I genuinely think he thinks I’m a d*mbass (which is what i want). I think I might go home especially if Renee spoke to ppl she has preexisting relationships with (I know it’s not allowed I just think it could happen). I hope I remain in this game bc I’m excited to compete tho!

So... this is annoying. This whole star sign twist is kind of forcing my hand in who to try and connect with, and you know the others are bonding too. But still, even when voting out one star sign thats 22 people, i mean Australian Survivor starts with 24, but most tumblr seasons dont get near that. What else do they have up their sleeve to speed things up?

Willow is really chill and cool. I think we can work well together and stay libra strong. I'm personally wanting to try and get Pisces here because they have the potential to be social threats later on so might as well vote off threats while we have the chance.. however, I have a gut feeling they aren't actually going to be eliminated and may come back later so that is something to look out for.. if so, we need to claim we voted someone else incase they find out.

Willow and I had a very long conversation about college and stuff and I can really see myself working with her in this game. We have lots in common so as long as we trust each other we should be able to go far together. I have a feeling we are going to be split by ourselves after this so I probably won’t have willow by myside until a future tribe swap

Also, my partner seemed a little all over the place at first. He eventually calmed down. The problem with new players is they usually try to make their mark early and that could be trouble.

I had anxiety through out that whole tribal. I’m glad that Renee and I survived and didn’t get a vote. Pisces being voted out is 🤷‍♂️. Like idk why but I felt they were gunna get a few votes. Between the two I want Chips to survive and come back. I think I could work with Renee but we havent talked much so going to try and see howni feel later.

You had no fucking idea how stressed I was when I saw that there was one gemini votes. Whoever did that has one person to answer to: jeff fucking probst christ.

I am SO happy that Nehemiah clearly has enough adversaries in this game to make himself an automatic target. Hopefully he will be sent home during this retrograde situation, but I have a feeling he will stay because he is very strong in challenges. I feel a little ridiculous for having such a strong vendetta for him this early on in the game, but I know that he is a number I cannot trust so it'd be ideal for him to head home earlier than later.

Thank god I can rest for another day...

hello friends. i told myself that i’m gonna force myself to write these . So first couple days have gone past. not too much has been going on. 24 person cast was kinda expected tbh with the season being battle of the signs and whatnot. my partner SUCKS!!! he hasn’t talked all game until this morning so we’ll see how that goes moving forward. having all the teams vote out one team was something else and unexpected but expected to cut down the size of the cast. where the game goes from here, i have no idea and i’m excited. i’m even more interested to see how the game shakes down after the pisces challenge. cause that leaves 23 ppl and a whole lot of ppl left

randomly voting people without talking to people I'm sleep. my partner is boring and doesn't talk to me it's all zzz

Im BEYOND thrilled that there is someone looking out for me and like seeing what a fucking snake Nehe is. Karma got to him last night and I was living for it. 4 votes from 12 tribes. That's 8 people that DID NOT want him here. And oh my god, I was living. Yeah sure we (Aquarius) got a vote but that didn't matter because I'm very close, oh so very close to not seeing Nehe in this game EVER! So I'm pulling for Chips to win and let's put that out in the fucking universe because Nehe winning and returning probably means that he'll get some secret advantage that may bite me in the ass down the road.

Sorry I’m just sending one for the first time. Just kinda ranted to my Skype.

I’m indifferent about Pisces getting voted into the elimination. I didn’t talk to anybody so as long as I’m okay i don’t really care at this point. My partner seems nice enough - hopefully he sticks with me.

I’m looking forward to interacting with people. The intros made everyone look like they have very similar personalities, so I’m hoping to find a few people who i actually think are cool and interesting. I’m out for blood, mawma.

So far so good? The two person tribe thing definitely freaks me out, and it shows that I have to put in work to maintaining a good relationship, but I feel like Adrian and I are on the same page. I always strive to have one really really solid ride or die per game and usually it doesn’t work out for me, so this time I’m willing to do what it takes to keep this duo. It was interesting to see that there were four tribes who wanted Pisces out, but I also was nervous about the one Aquarius vote (I hope it was from Pisces so that we don’t have to worry about them, but if it was from Willow then I’m anxious!).

This twist is weird FHSHSHD at least we voted in the majority tho?? I kinda wanna see Nehe come back from the challenge bc we've played before and he was pretty cool and he's friends w Benj!! Anyways I like Cullen he's pretty cool to talk to

Welcome to Kuwait bitches !!!! I just had a huge margarita and I’m drunk so now I’m gonna tell u about it.

Nothing has happened for me yet except I’m with Stevie who is a Capricorn. He said nice he is my masc gay friend because he plays flag football. Kinda cool he’s my bud but I rlly wanna TALK TO OTHER POEOL!!!!!!!! 24 is a too much cast I hope Nehemiah beats chips because I am friend with Nehe and people clearly don’t like him I guess Iran kinda suspicious that four teams all voted him!!!!

But hey listen you wanna know what’s even fucking worse ?????!!!!!!! = TWO FUCKER ZODIAC SIGNS VORED FOR ME AND STEVIE!!!!! What the Afuck is UP WITH THAT!? So I’m coming into this game with a grudge already except I have no clue who the grudge is against. It’s honestly kind of upsetting and I rlly want things to get started so I can talk to people and be cute. I’m trying to think they’re rlly aren’t many hot boys yet except trace is kinda cute. I need to find out which straight boys there are the.

Ummmmm I love corey I was in nyc with him so thays cool we met and we’re sisters. Kait is a queen and I rlly hope she wants to work with me but it’s scary bc sometimes she ones after me. I bet she wrote the same thing about me lol. If she voted for me and Stevie she is dead to me!!!!!!!! Redhead Timmy is cool he’s nice and my friend. Love Brandon, I hope he wants to work w/ me bc last time we played a game together he got mad evacez. That girl named Chloe seems nice too bad I voted for her but a t least no one else did

This confessional has been so fonking boring I’m gonna make a video later don’t worry

brought my poppers to the party now I’m ready to watch the fun xo

Hello, So Aries got no votes and I feel blessed but also y’all stuck me with maynor, the drunkest person in this game, who’s chill but also I feel like he’ll fuck me over first chance he gets. But anyway I didn’t really want Pisces to go, mostly for chips because I think he’s the one that sent me a $10 google play gift card in 2016 for winning fan favorite once in a game he hosted and I STILL remember the movie I bought with that $$$ so I wanted to play with him so hopefully nehe goes so I can play with chips and get more google play gift cards hehe. Ok I need to go talk to maynor more even if it’s difficult bc I need allies ok bye.

So here I am!!! First confessional of the game! I am honestly shook that Kait and Owen are playing ahhhhh!!! Scary!!! But also my first impressions made me not like Chips so much so I’m glad he’s been voted “out”. My only hope is that he is the actual first boot of the season and that the other guy comes back! 🤞🏻

So it comes as not surprise to me that the Pisces get the majority of the votes. Even not knowing the details of Nehemiah and his relationship with others I am aware of the impression he gives. I was in the viewing lounge for International House of Survivor where people actively rooted against him as well as the duo's season of House of Shade where he was not taken seriously at the finale.

Truthfully it is kind of terrible to be targeted because I am on a tribe with someone who is not well liked by a chunk of the cast but I guess those are the punches you roll with. It would be similar in situation for anyone who had been put with a winner had the players not voted personally.

Instead of getting voted out we were given the chance to do a challenge. The challenge is counting as high as you can go and Nehemiah asked me to throw it for him. He said that he is not playing anything and that this is all he has. I told him that I didnt sign up for the season not to play at all.

I decided I am going to count to 1337 and then stop. If Nehemiah wants it more than me and he counts higher then he deserves to continue on. I want to play and I want to compete but I have had a busy day with my wife celebrating her birthday and my infant needing lots of attention.

I hope this is not my last confession but if it is it will be a fun experience getting first boot.

So we have this TikTok challenge for immunity and the one thing going through my mind is how the Hell are me and Kait going to do this? Neither one of us know how to use TikTok and now we have to make a video using it? Hopefully we can adapt quickly. It shouldn't be that hard.

A tiktok challenge. Really why. I hope Renee and I are able to be part of the 6 signs who are safe. I dont know how tiktok works so hopefully what we came up with is fine. I will literally die if tiktok is the reason we lose immunity and i go home. Like please dont let that happen.

I feel fairly confident that I’ll be going to tribal council this episode, because the Tik Tok challenge is proving to be a bit difficult, and I would do it alone if I could but I can’t! I wanna make this whole thang work with Adrian but now it’s making me nervous. If I get eliminated from Survivor because of Tik Tok I’ll SCREAM for a hot minute then work it into a standup bit or something

Well it is day 3 in this game and I am still pretty bored. I am PRAYING that me and Timmy can pull out a top 3 win in the video challenge so that way I can have other people to talk to. It's not that Timmy is THAT boring, it's just hard to only speak with one person when the game has 22 others.

Normally I hate these kinds of challenges, but I actually think that I came up with a pretty good idea. Hopefully Timmy can supply and we will be able to pull this one out. Obviously I am happy to not be first boot, but sitting around and waiting for stuff to happen is my least favorite way to play these games. Wish us luck!

Renee is editing our video. I am very nervous cuz idk if the judges will like it. We dont have go be the best. All i care is for us to be in one of the 6 spots of saftey. I dont want to have either one of us in danger of leaving. Im crossing my fingers and i hope they like it enough. This 2 tribe twist is so nerve wracking. 😧

Think I might just take a nap bc stevie isn’t giving me any ideas to work with and I rlly don’t have a single creative idea in me rn I’m actually so annoyed like can he please just come up with something I’ll do all the work I’ll edit and whatever if he can just make the CHOICE!

So the past round has definitely been eventful for the sole fact that I was already voted out of this game before it even started. Like it kinda fits though seeing how I am and the relationships I’ve made over the months and years I’ve played these games. There are definitely tons of people from different games and different reasons to which I screwed them over. Definitely left sour tastes in majority of their mouths and I didn’t even realize who majority of the cast was until I was voted out 4-2-1-1-1-1 cause we voted with our sun sign. Chips was cool and I personally wanted to rebond with the dude after Kilimanjaro and on top of that I just feel bad. The dude was voted out for being my partner. I sent that motherfucker home unintentionally.

I had no faith in myself that I was winning that challenge yet now here I am still in the game with a chance. Yet the game was hit with another massive wave in the form of a twist that honestly is clever. The tribes of 2 is staying that way which unfortunately for me means my tribe of 1 is also staying that way. Top 6 teams will be safe meanwhile the bottom 6 go to the war zone aka tribal council. Where one is voted out. Now in my perspective if I was to lose this challenge (which hehe all on a tribe by myself having to depend on comp skills puhlease) I will be attending an 11 person tribal council with all tribes having 2 but me. So I would outright stand as an easy target but I’m not going to roll over and die. The best way to survive would definitely be to worm my way into the ins. I also definitely need to right the wrongs that I have committed to some of these people who already decided to not want to deal with me. I mean what’s the point of getting rid of someone who is definitely going to be in the war zone a lot cause he can’t win by himself BUT he would most definitely be a number for your game if you choose to use him. The game is gonna merge into official better tribes sooner or later and I want to be there when it happens and I know I’m a loyal person to have by my side. There are people in this game that I haven’t played with or met and this is good for the power of surprise to the type of player I am.

Ok woo, so trace and I voted in the majority for the first vote so that was amazing. I'm sad Chips left and not Nehe because that would've made the game a lot better. I'm just hoping with this challenge and nehe being alone that his score is lower since it'll probably lose some comedic value...or at least I hope. I hate this challenge with all my being though because music video type challenges are the thing that gives me the most anxiety in orgs. Going to tribal doesn't even give me as much anxiety tbh. I usually don't even submit this challenge but I can't let trace down because that would suck for both our games and right now I need to focus on his game as well. Trace has been so helpful with this challenge and I'm so thankful that I'm on this tribe with him since he came up with the song and is doing the editing (i just had to film 15 seconds of me not trying to look totally disgusting). But all in all I think this will be a good video and I'm excited to see the results.

So my partner Devon and I are safe this week. For now, this is ideal as I need my first impression to be lackluster but still.. safe. I want people to see me as a loyal but foolish pawn who could be useful in competitions (not deadweight) but no comp threat. The downside is the lack of socialization. I can still only interact with Devon and am isolated from people I need to interact with, such as Madison or Owen or literally all the people I have absolutely no knowledge on. I fear pre-mades / pre-existing relationships. 4 votes on Virgo seemed unlikely but Chips leaving was good imo as there seemed to be more than 1 person from their cast in this game if I correctly recall from the intros. I will try to DM Devon more than I have as I need us to have somewhat of a bond or understanding even if it's only till ponderosa as I know most duos will have similar kinds of deals/bonds and to not have one is a disservice at this point although having him leave could get rid of the potential deadweight in upcoming challenges. Regardless, a healthy social bond never hurt me. I am excited for this twist to end whenever it does because it really is slowing down my momentum and makes me feel like I'm behind (I said this before I was isolated with immunity too). Final thoughts: not bad for a dead bitch!

Wofhei Stephen ❤️ Hopefully he wants to work with me. The last time we played I did blindside him, very hard. The two ppl i want to strengthen my bonds with is Stephen and Madison. Ive meet Madison before so this is gunna be exciting to get to know her more. And hopefully wants to work together in this game. Matt B from Marmoreal I need to talk to because it’ll be noce since I kinda talked to him in my host chat. Also someone Im leaning towards working with.

This twist is so awful, so much strategy and factors are removed by not actually being in tribes. Its a mess, and a 12 person tribal? awful. But hey I have a planning day tomorrow so I dont teach, get to spend the day getting some form of alliance going, hopefully that can protect me cause..... if this twist continues ill be going to tribal a lot

Hello, Honestly fuck this twist!!! Making me play the first night small talk game AND the first tribal panic game in 1 day this is NOT fair. Actually I’m being dramatic it’s kinda interesting because it’s forcing me to play without knowing shit. Anyway I think I can trust maynor, ian has been really fun to talk to so I’m glad for that, I reached out to almost everyone else.. hopefully we can all agree to just go for someone inactive for this vote, then hopefully y’all will finally make us real tribes (hint hint) thanks ok bye

It’s been nixe talking and getting to know the other people but like we have a tribal and vote someone off. So kinda nervous havent heard anything about that. Renee and I decided to try and get votes for Cloe. She seems really nice but havent talked to her much. Im sorry Cloe if you do end up going.

Safety? For being the only duo to make a TikTok with a Survivor moment and not a song? Iconique! Who knew the judges were such avid Brenda Lowe stans. I live and love them for that! AND we scraped by the first tribal!!! YES safety!

In other words, Nehe being the one with the top score this challenge..... What the fuck? I seriously need him to go like NOW. Its probably weird of me to be all obsessive about him, but like the things that this kid can do. Like people should fucking learn that you never can trust him and since he's all alone- the moment he goes to tribal, Im gunning for his ass.

I have talked to Cullan, Willow, Ian. (New people to me). Ive talked to Stephen, Matt B, and Madison (who i know). I havent talked to Cloe, Brandon, Taylor, and Jacob. I really like Ian but idk how he feels about his partner Cloe. Since Cloe is mine and Renee’s target.

At some point the ball has to start rolling, if it already has I'm fucked and didn't get out ahead of it fast enough. I've played real nice and friendly because first and foremost you need numbers and have to maintain those numbers before you can get into a position to start trimming the fat. I need this vote to go one really anyone but me and Chloe, I still need her, for now. Chloe needs to be my get out of jail free card. As of writing this, Brandon seems like the most likely target to pin the vote on. He hasn't talked to me yet and I'm under the impression he hasn't talked to others either.

We roughly have 2 hrs before tribal and None of these FOOLS are talking about the vote. :p imma die but i think atleast it might end up being between Cloe and BDC. I really like Ian and Matt B but the two targets are their partners so i hope me voting BDC or Cloe wont affect them potentially working with me.

It looks like BDC may be going which is awesome because he really hasn’t talked to me (or anyone else). I really hope people aren’t lying to me when they say they are good with voting BDC tonight. This is giving me facebook game flashbacks where there wasn’t much game talk and I was blindsided. That once tribal has given me soo much anxiety and makes me very paranoid this first tribal. I just hope me and Renne dont get any votes tonight.

#survivorstarzone #episodes

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thingsdoingstuff · 4 years

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Kenosha and “Projects”

I will admit something up front. I am pretty naive and optimistic when it comes to my hopes for humanity. So, when I found out about the shooting of one African American in front of his car happening directly in front of his family, I was distraught. On top of this, a 17-year-old went out and declared vigilante justice on protesters and was seemingly taken in by the police as a friend (story and CNN has a much better take on this one. story) I can’t really think of a much better example of a double-standard. A literal murderer and an alleged sexual abuser getting treated entirely out of proportion to their supposed crimes, they are of two different races and being found by the same police force.

Now, to cover my ass, a disclaimer.

This is for me to share my opinions and start a gentlemen’s discussion. Whether you happen to be a gentleman, a lady, transgender, gay, bisexual, lesbian, African America, Native American, Asian, African, Persian, “The One Percent,” a cop, identify as a dog, named “Gordon,” or have sixteen toes makes no lick of difference to me unless it is valid to the conversation at hand (so do feel free to pitch in so long as it doesn’t get personal ‘lest I shall ignore thee). Your opinion is still valid and should always be valid in just about any community as most of the things we do was humans create a little discrepancy called “morality” in which we are entitled to believe anything is wrong so long as we can agree to disagree and by the end of the day we haven’t wrung each other’s necks. All that having been said barring mentioning the fact that I respected your opinion until you wrote it using the stiff end of your raging hate boner and still will so long as you put it back in your pants. Furthermore, as these are my opinions, I am automatically wrong and will be regarded as such by about three thousand people by the time I have finished typing any given sentence. Feel free to gloat as much as you like so long as you don’t step on anyone’s toes and that includes the white ones, since last I checked all races and creeds were granted immunity and there wasn’t an asterisk at the end.

Killing people of a specific race more than anyone of another race constantly has made our nation’s police force look undeniably racist, but there have been times that I’ve wondered whether or not it was truly hate that brought it on or just the fact that veteran cops jump to solutions of violence faster, because they’ve lost discipline over the years. However nothing defines racism like a good-old-fashioned double-standard. And while ‎all the evidence to our nation still having many pure racists in it is very apparent, I choose to give the benefit of the doubt whenever possible. Now, George Floyd’s death was obviously racially charged as well as many other police shootings on African Americans, but if you ever needed proof of inherent racism, just look at Kenosha and tell me there’s nothing personal about that load of honky.

I’d be remiss if I didn’t propose a solution, because one of my many problems with mainstream media is that all public journalists complain and bitch and moan about how bad things are and never come up with any solutions or make any attempts to fix anything. But the root of the problem is deep-seeded racism that has been present since day one and attacking the actual root just happens to coincide with another issue that flat-out racists have brought to the forefront of media recently: Low-Income Housing.

Now, hear me out, because this may sound bat-shit insane, but after the civil war and reformations, African Americans were still second-class citizens with very little money and very little housing opportunities. Fortunately, banks aren’t so biased nowadays as anyone with the potential to pay off their loan can buy a house and for the sake of interest, the banks make money. But there’s still so few opportunities left. So the government decided to pitch in and build some houses themselves in their own neighborhoods, meaning the government can earn it’s money back by cutting the funding to those areas and it always adds up as such. Year one: no problems, there’s protection in numbers and everyone is content living in their own houses at an affordable price. Years later: the drugs start rolling in and the “projects” become dangerous and violent, because there’s still no opportunities and little funding. Hence, inner city schools have a reputation for being crowded, run-down and ineffective. Hence the infrastructure always looks decades old and corrupt with cracks and scars. Hence the people living there are always down on their luck and looking for a way out of the slums; then the people looking for said opportunities have to make some risky moves to get out. That’s when the violence starts and the police start doing some horrible shit, because they automatically assume “bad guy, black guy,” because of the area’s known track record for gangs and cartels and other nefarious stuff.

I thoroughly believe that people of all races have equal potential to do great things and become industry leaders or successful celebrities, but the ability to actually act on that potential may be diminished by third party sources. Unfortunately, those third party sources are basically all controlled by the government, so the factor that has been limiting potential for centuries and still is would be the government and for once, I actually believe they can fix it.

If you’ve ever gone on a drive around your town or city, you’ve probably taken a note of some of the houses and buildings that you see. Citing that a specific building has perhaps been unoccupied for a very long time or that a specific house has been for sale for decades. I for one have witnessed the same, massive red-brick house have the save bank-owned lock on it for seven years and it’s right in prime real-estate territory. So, to eliminate the slums throughout America and redefine a stereotype that’s kind of become a self-fulfilling prophecy, what if the government bought preexisting houses from banks throughout the United States, remodeled them and sold them at the price of the remodel? Now, maybe I made this up myself or maybe I’m just stealing this idea from someone else without realizing it, but at least then, the government can’t sanction off specific districts and plummet an entire population into poverty over and over again when they are inter-mixed with every other population.

“But what if people don’t accept them and there are casualties?” you may ask. obviously, this plan isn’t without its faults, but the citizens of the area aren’t nearly as immune to being prosecuted as the police in inner-city areas, and having large houses with plenty of black family members or friends/roommates grants extra protection from angry neighbors and police. Plus, we don’t need to put them in states/communities with dip-shit racists that don’t understand the “melting pot” analogy. And with the “melting pot” analogy on our minds, I’m sure everyone would be happy if the “melting pot” had a smoother more consistent flavor across the whole thing, instead of one corner being extra spicy while the rest just tastes like cheese wiz on grits with a side of mayonnaise.

Once again, I may be a total idiot, and feel free to tell me I am. I feel like a conspiracy theorist writing this essay, but actually fixing the negative stigma wafting around the country and giving equal opportunities to the marginalized all with one simple change to shit we’re already doing seems like a perfectly predictable outcome here, since extending opportunities to every minority means no need for drastic measures for both police and marginalized citizens. So, tell me if I’ve been spending too much time in my own head. Tell me why your opinion is correct. Tell me what you think of our political situation and how it can be resolved, but don’t tell me that it’s hopeless. If you truly believed that, you wouldn’t still be here. As a wise man whose name I don’t remember once said: “If you love something, you critique it, but if you truly hate it, you leave it behind.” For most people, if you truly hate what you’re eating, you throw it away, if you like the taste, but not the texture, you bitch about the texture and you keep eating. American pie can be pretty gritty every once in a while, but we keep eating, because we know it gets better, because this freedom tastes better here than it does elsewhere and because we’re holding out hope that it will get better with change, respect and reform.

Yours truly,

Jiminy Fucking Christmas.

#kenosha #hope

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hanzi83 · 7 years

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How Wrestling Should Be Presented and Where I Feel Its Going

Before I write this blog, I debated if I should or not, and even though it’s not about my depression and my countless amounts of flaws, I really know I am so narcissistic that I will always reel it back to my personal narrative and agenda to let the world know I have been constantly screwed. So I decided to give this disclaimer at the beginning of the blog but I need to get this out of my head first, because I know I am already worried writing it because when it comes to wrestling, I analyze the product in a different way the most people do, because I am, what the French would say, is bat shit crazy, and even though that really makes every existing relationship and chances for future employment hang in the balance, it works in my favor when it comes to wrestling because to see how these guys at the top think and organize this shit, you have to think outside the box so far out where the box is not in plain sight. So this blog might not even happen, depending on how poorly I choose to explain this and if it will even actually get people to acknowledge it, and if I do end up writing it in full and then add this part to it, it just proves how much of a waste of time this whole opening statement was, but then again you click on a Hanzi blog, you kind of have to pay the price for wasting your time you dummy.

How do I explain this? So many people have limited narratives to analyze the wrestling business and I guess that is one of few downsides of being an insider, you can let your full imagination go wild, or you are not permitted to, but since I am not really an insider, even though people on the inside love my perspective, so I looked at this shit on a different level and this is due to becoming a smart fan, because I was fine after the Monday Night Wars to kind of scale away from internet news for the most part, and just watched it as is, but when I got back in the mix of things during the beginning of the social media era it reeled me back in and then believed the internet perspective and thought it was the be all and end all, but something in the back of my mind knew that WWE are smart enough to figure it out, because when the company fully shines, they show moments of brilliance, but then there are times they do a lot of stupid stuff. It would be frustrating because you want to defend the company because they are responsible for some of the most memorable moments in your life, and uniting experiences with my family and friends. It has been ingrained in me since I was 3 years old, but then coincidently, I became a full-fledged conspiracy theorist, and because I opened my eyes to the potential on how the world is run and how things are implemented in the media, sports, entertainment etc, it made me realize that wrestling surely has to be in on it to some degree if other important areas in life are organized and orchestrated to fulfill a goal, so my thought process went outside being a smart mark and now think that even they are the ones who are more prone to “being worked” than someone who is a casual fan.

I have not behaved the best when it comes to expressing how I think differently, mainly because from this community, especially in the past, I have been ridiculed, and not only in my personal life or but by other fan bases in general, so I have this aggression off the gate like I am preparing to go to war to defend my positions, even though I don’t have absolute proof regarding this stuff that I put out there, but since conspiracy theorists are to be looked at as assholes, due to Alex Jones hijacking the movement and spinning it into his own right wing propaganda, I have to reassure I am not one of those conspiracy theorists, I think that the world is moving to a better place, and that we are getting the “things need to get worse” portion of the program before it gets better, and all these companies, and public figures that sold their souls in the 80’s, 90’s and early 2000’s are finally supposed to be getting their comeuppance and with Trump in office, it is going to make it easier for a lot of people to get exposed, and since WWE are affiliated with them, they are the automatic heels and that is why their corruption and shady business practices are even more transparent, not saying every single thing about them is evil, but they know they are supposed to be perceived this way.

And it is bleeding into their storylines in some regards. In storyline or real life it is all essentially storyline on an elite level and the WWE knows what direction it is going in and there will be eventual change that is why it is so important to stay militant and speak out against their practices or their shady behavior. I was so hell bent on thinking that they would change it on their own but obviously this organized revolution will need us to play part to and call it out because they have to give us the illusion that this is all genuine.

WWE and other companies have always knew they would have to answer to their sins eventually and they have always planted seeds that could be used for the future, even if its small and big, and it bleeds into their storylines and it is done on purpose so when they make insider references we think it is supposed to be real, but it is all storyline to me. In WWE storyline, the show is a reality show and it is scripted even within their storyline. And even though this is being done on purpose, where people are interacting with twitter who are supposed to be bad guys and good guys, it is like WWE has been slowly raising the veil for all of us to see, and even though you can incorporate everything that is said or done, for the most part you can incorporate outside stuff within storyline. That is why you saw Rusev and Lana announce their engagement, while being in a storyline where they had broken up on camera. Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman hanging out when they were in the middle of a feud, it has all been by design.

I am already falling off the rails, but just to try and make it easier, that if wrestling is going to be presented in a realistic and more grounded into reality, you need to undo and explain all the convoluted plot twists, and the inconsistencies that have existed within the universe, and in order to do that, you need a conspiracy theorist type of persona to point out what has been happening in storyline and what elements have been orchestrated or even scripted. You can turn this into a menacing narrative that there are evil reality show creative, organizing interruptions, making sure certain matches have fucked up finishes, or scripting promos, because in real life these things are scripted or orchestrated, so why wouldn’t this stuff in the world of wrestling be scripted to some extent. That is where the narrative of in storyline or outside storyline, whatever your poison is, makes it seem like WWE is the propaganda company like America is the propaganda country, and whatever their narrative is, that is what it is, and now the world is waking up to the empire’s bullshit and we see that there is life outside of WWE/America, and there are more progressive movements going on.

So whether its storyline or not, there is supposed to be this narrative that Triple H will make things better, but what if we are supposed to think that Triple H and WWE are so evil, they are stealing Indy talent away and to pretend to give them a promising career in WWE, and it might be Dusty Rhodes level of wearing poke a dots, they actually let talent flourish ultimately, but then sweep the rug from right under them. We all think that, especially if you are a cynical mark, but what if that ends up being true, and its revealed in “real life” which would probably be organized to anger us anyways, because WWE are the heels.

See you can show stuff the past to fit this narrative because within its history there has always been moments where certain stars seem “woke” and spew some truthful shit but ultimately they are shunned out, and we end up with what the McMahons intend to display, so you need an event currently as an example to display this past stuff, and Roman Reigns and John Cena are the answers. You could see people debating it and making us think it is real because they are saying these things about each other that has been in the internet fan’s mind for the longest while, and we think they are saying something real, but even within storyline it is scripted because they are 2 puppets of the authority.

You need to establish that Reigns has been the heel since the Shield have broken up, but McMahons were hell bent on making Reigns the face of the company so they convinced Seth Rollins to be the one to turn on the Shield, You can convey that Triple H plotted with Seth from the beginning to make him a star and that when he gives him the signal to turn on them he will do it, and Seth bought into that plan thinking it was to help himself, but it was all an elaborate plan because Triple H knew he needed Reigns to be liked so why not associate him with 2 Indy acts that have “hardcore fan base credibility”. So in storyline they needed Seth to be hated, but fans appreciated him, so even in storyline the Authority did not like that, because Reigns was supposed to be cheered, and you can tell Reigns was supposed to be the “heel” because out of nowhere in the Summer of 2014, Reigns had an okay match with Orton and I remember this organized shift into hating him and then it got worse as the time went on.

Everything with Reigns has been organized. People have had to take dives, or people had to be eliminated from the equation, and for people to justify why they had to keep it secret because in WWE, depending on who you are, you can establish that they signed non disclosure agreements, and that they couldn’t speak about certain events. People had to do favors and you establish people who have to be on Authority’s side to help with this, like Bray Wyatt, he is used as a tool, and if you wanted to give him an actual push and you wanted to establish it, you could say the reason why he hasn’t cared about victories or has had empty threats, is because he is a tool for destruction and distraction. You can undo all this mess. I want to go deeper into it, but then it is already embarrassingly enough, diving in to some weird fantasy booking scenario and while most of you who are reading are a little mesmerized, I can see the eye rolls before it happens. I am Bran Stark in this bitch; can Bran Stark see the future? I forget, It doesn’t matter, I just tried to be too hip and incorporate Game of Thrones into all of this.

I know on any show I call into, they would not let me go this far with the ideas I am throwing out there because it is frankly too convoluted and they would insist that WWE is not thinking this deep into things, when they are because they are fucking smart as fuck. These people are on some next level, they are such geniuses, they have you thinking that anything outside the wrestling world they touch is not credible, when behind the scenes, and I am not talking talk on the internet, even beyond that, they could cosign things and people who are supposed to be seen in a positive light, but they are supposed to be the evil in this narrative now so it is slowly being exposed because it is supposed to, and this will bleed into the storyline, and if I am wrong and WWE is not thinking this far ahead or they never thought this far ahead, then guess what maybe they should do this because it will give fans who have wasted their time being fucked with, to be redeemed to some degree and by incorporating this conspiracy storyline especially with Reigns etc, it will allow you to go back and undo the convoluted narratives and inconsistencies that have been bestowed upon us over the course of the 30 plus years that most of us, from this generation, have enjoyed.

I could go into this deeper, but think I have done enough damage to your minds if you stuck around to read this garbage, see I am self deprecating like John Cena, so you think I am self aware, I am joking, unlike John I am actually genuine with myself deprecating but I know everyone loves one of those guys because it seems more human. See even in storyline, Cena is kind of on the evil side to some degree. There are good guys who are genuine good guys, there are bad guys who are genuine bad guys, but then there are bad guys who are misunderstood and you could argue they are kind of good in some ways, and then there are good guys who get booed who are presented as good guys in this reality show, but people who are smart to the whole thing know they are evil, and Cena and Reigns are both those guys, so even in storyline Cena knows that anyone he puts down, especially if it’s internet favorite, fans will feel sorry for them because they got buried, so Cena “buried” Reigns so the internet fans would feel sorry for him, but people hate Reigns so much, it is like it is backfiring on purpose. That is the conspiracy that even in storyline the company is trying to get Reigns over to be liked and a lot of the stuff he has done he has cheated by taking substances, because him getting caught with a wellness violation was done on purpose, I know people don’t think there is some real life storyline that will be revealed with that, but it will eventually make its way into the storyline, or you could say that some people he beat have taken dives for him, like the Undertaker, since he is associated with Triple H etc. The narrative of the storyline is that WWE is failing to getting him over as a good guy.

People always think that if you go inside terms it will ruin it but if you do it for the sake of making change and on the way to present wrestling like a realistic sport with storylines being more grounded, this would be the tactic to expose it and that is how you incorporate real life stuff within the storyline, like when Cm Punk said to Triple H “This isn’t Cm Punk talking to Triple H, this is Phil Brooks talking to Paul Levesque” people lost their shit because they are breaking the fourth wall, but they did it within storyline as well, because in storyline they have character stage names, and sometimes the rivalries are played up, when we all know they are friends, like if you wanted to point out in the 90’s that times Shawn Michaels and Razor Ramon fought, even within storyline that was kind of scripted to hype up a match, but they were a part of the Click. So whenever you hear in “real life” that people don’t like each other, that is supposed to represent that outside the “reality show” of WWE these guys hate each other, but for all you know they could like each other.

I probably didn’t make much sense, and I am not good at conveying this because I have millions of things on my mind, and this should be the last but in my pathetic existence if there is one thing I could help bring change to, it would be wrestling and I know this will not get acknowledge by anyone, but I will probably send this to people I respect and pretend they read it, even if they didn’t, because I don’t want to feel like it was a waste of time, but here is the kicker, it is a waste of time and the lack of response to it will ensure that for me, but in wrestling terms no one is allowed to put me over, so I have to constantly put myself over but then knock myself down a couple of pegs so people won’t be like “HOW DARE HE THINK HIS IDEAS ARE PROFOUND AND VALUABLE, HE IS IN HIS MOM’S BASEMENT, HE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIS SELF WORTH AND TIHNK HE IS MORE THAN WHAT HE SAYS HE IS” I am just presenting something different, and it feels like even the people at the top know which way this shit is going or where it needs to go. So even if you don’t like that this idea was expressed by me, realize that more important and valuable people have been planting those seeds for a long time, because they knew the business, much like the world has to evolve. But you didn’t hear it from me because this is just my delusional conspiracy that I am putting out there, and it has no merit in truth whatsoever and I should never be allowed to breed kids for even thinking this stupidly but don’t worry I don’t have any chicks knocking down my parents basement door to get to me, try people I know, they are better people than I will ever be

I mean I think this was good right? I focused on a little bit of wrestling, but of course I had to reel it into my delusions and had to put myself over because I will never learn how to just focus strictly on the mission at hand, but that is probably why I will never make it out of this basement. Maybe Bo Dallas’s character should be the conspiracy theorist that points it out, since he has came out as a conspiracy theorist on Jericho’s podcast a month or so ago, him or R truth. I would say they should hire me, but that is not happening, even though they are crazier than I could ever be, but I know my past blogs and tweets will come into fruition even though they don’t really care about that, they are associated with Trump after all. I wouldn’t want a job there until there was some real change in the movement and not this old guard shit, but I think we are supposed to be on our way but no one wants to admit we are though, because we have to play it like things happen day to day and none of this shit is ever planned out well in advance, which is why these people are on top and on some next level.

#Hanzi 2017 WWE Wrestling Conspiracy Kayfabe Reigns Roman Cena John Reality show script corrupt Vince McMahon Triple H Presentation Donald #Trump Howard Stern Illuminati old guard new #CM Punk Revolution Daniel Bryan #Media America Narrative Perspective Smart Mark Smark

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