#go forth and brag about what you've written

[firstelevens]

2022 Year End Fic Review

I was thinking of doing one of those ask memes for the year in fic and then my beloved @monroesimons tagged me in this, so fate clearly wanted me to wax poetic about myself.

1. What is your AO3 account?

It’s CrimsonPetrichor, because 17 year old Zainab had recently binged the entirety of Matt Smith’s first season as The Doctor and she needed everyone to know it.

2. How many words did you write total in 2022?

46,316 words! Full on absurd for me, particularly given the three years of writing drought that preceded all of this.

3. How many fics did you publish in 2022? How many multichapters vs oneshots?

Seven fics on AO3, plus a handful of small prompt fills that stayed on Tumblr. Only one fic was a multi-chapter, because I am too cowardly and not disciplined enough to commit to them regularly.

4. What was your longest fic? Your shortest fic?

Longest: by land, by sea, by dirigible, which clocked in at 18376 words

Shortest: of the ones published on AO3, it’s the way you sound in the morning (828 words), but overall it’s a Ty/Tandy prompt fill that was just 218 words

5. What was your most popular fic? Your least popular fic?

Purely using kudos as a metric, a friend of any sort (the craigslist fake dating AU) was my most popular, and by land, by sea was least popular.

6. What fic didn’t perform as well as you thought it would?

Listen. I rolled up to a fandom one year late and people still saw fit to read and enjoy my work. Things are grand.

7. What fic performed way better than you thought it would?

Two answers for this one: when I published love on rewind (everything is so throwback-ish), it was my first fic on AO3 in more than three years and it had been about a year since the show aired and I had no idea if anyone would read it and then they did! And they enjoyed it! And that was wild.

Also, I can’t answer this without mentioning if you got the notion (i second that emotion), which I basically wrote in a fugue state and then published at like, 1 AM, and then??? People really, really dug it and I’m still surprised by how well it was received. What I’ve learned is that all of us as a community want to see Sam and Bucky in Hallmark movie situations and I love that for us.

8. What was your favorite fic you wrote from 2022?

Specifically chapter 5 of by land, by sea is one of my favorite things I’ve written in years, I think.

It gave me so much trouble and I went through so many variations and then I woke up at 6 AM on the morning of my birthday and wrote nearly all 4500 words of it in one sitting. It’s atmospheric and emotional and I got to throw around some historical references and play with magic and it’s a piece that I know exists in its best possible form, which is a nice feeling.

9. What was your favorite fic that somebody else wrote in 2022?

Emma (birdhapley) wrote a professors AU for The Bedlam Stacks, i know it's just a number, but you're the eighth wonder, that might be one of my favorite fics I’ve ever read. The world is so perfectly translated and the characters are so clearly themselves and everything down to the excerpted reviews for all the professors and the characters’ texting styles feel right and make perfect sense. A masterclass in writing in general and AU-building in particular.

I also really adored Mak’s (bisamwilson) angel/demon AU, i slithered here from eden (just to sit outside your door), which has just So Much Pining and fun historical moments and allegory and millennia of devotion and like! Truly! What more could you want!

Everyone should read them both immediately regardless of your familiarity level with either fandom.

10. Tag your friends to do this year-end fic review as well!

With full permission to completely skip out on this if you wish, I’m tagging @birdhapley @bisamwilson @philtstone @ankahikoibaat @avocadomooon @urlbending

#zainab does ask meme things #thank you for the tag Ani!!!! #go forth and brag about what you've written

[adventurousrecovery]

You Wish

I was beaten and I let him. By the end of our relationship I was being called names, accused of doing things I hadn't done, constantly put down, and anything I did was never good enough. Our relationship ended and I had no idea who I was. I fell apart only to put myself back together. Five years later my ex contacts me via my artist page. I had recently changed the name on my personal page, making it difficult for clients and weirdos to find me. I am glad I did so. I finally enter into a relationship after 5 years and shortly after am contacted by my ex, who is now married with a kid.

(December 11, 2017)

Ex: Hey, Caitlin! How are you!?

Me: I am doing well. It's been a tough year with changes and losses, but has drastically taken a turn.

(December 12, 2017)

Ex: I'm sorry to hear you've been through some stuff, but I'm thankful things seem to be getting better! Listen...I was going through some stuff and stumbled upon your old gameboy. I thought you might appreciate getting it back.

*sends picture of the gameboy*

Me: Yes!

Ex: Awesome! Well I'm not sure what your schedule is like these days, but just let me know and we'll figured something out.

Me: I live in Terre Haute, but occasionally come south for the weekends and appointments. I will be down south this weekend, but not sure if I will make it to Eville on Sunday. I have numerous things in Evansville Monday and plan on attending AOC.

Ex: Ok that's fine. Just send me a message when you're in town and we'll work something out!

Me: Sounds good!

Me: Did you happen to find any cartridges that went with it?

Ex: Pokemon Special Pikachu is in it. If there were any other cartridges you had that are missing I'm more than happy to replace them. The kids used them...so there's no tellin where they may be at this point!

Me: Naw, that's fine.

( I only wanted my Pokemon cartridge because I was obsessed with it as a child and the most important of the few I had. I never contacted him. My weekend was so overwhelming with the introduction of my dog to my family while being reminded as to why I limit visits. I was so upset and anxious by being home that I thought it best to return to Terre Haute. I did not inform him. I didn't have to. I owed him nothing. I spent the week reflecting on how far I had come since he had broken up with me. I needed to remind myself of the person I had become.)

(December 23, 2017)

Me: I will be in Eville this evening. Is there a time that works for you?

Ex: Shouldn't matter too much. I have a house over by UE off walnut. Where will you be?

(Why mention the location of your house? Attempted bragging? Did he expect me to stop by, alone? Pffft....please.)

Me: I will be at AOC. I may also be somewhere before or after that depending on my sister and her choice place of meeting for Christmas exchange.

Ex: Ok just let me know when you're in town and we'll figure it out.

(His grammar and punctuation became sloppy compared to when he first messaged me. I did not respond, but 3 hours later he felt a need attempt to gain control.)

Ex: I'll just plan on meeting you over at AOC if that's ok

Me: Sure, before or after? The parking lot is jank because it is under construction so parking is on the side streets.

Ex: Probably before. What time will you be there?

Me: Hahaha no clue because I am currently making Christmas treats and it is not going well.

(The treat making not going well was true. However, I did know what time I would arrive, 6:30 when it started at 7:00. I needed time to compose and center myself.)

Ex: Lol it's all good. Whatever works for you is cool with me.

Me: I will try to be there 15 min early, but it is in the big building not the small.

Ex: Ok when does it start? 7?

Me: Yes

Ex: Cool

(3 hours later)

Me: I'm here. The entrance that faces Lincoln is open with the flag pole

Ex: What are you driving?

(Why did that matter? I kept my description minimal. The lack of lighting and parking on the side streets would make it difficult for him to locate my car.)

Me: My Pontiac, but I'm inside.

(I wanted it to be clear that I was not stepping outside. If he wanted to meet he had to put forth effort. I had contacted other members and informed them of his history and that we were meeting. They were there for safety. He arrived 10 minutes before the meeting. He brought his son and wife. Members acknowledged his arrival, greeting him with hugs though he hadn't been to a meeting there since we dated. I know because I was terrified I would see him there after we broke up. He avoided eye contact. In fact, he handed me my gameboy while having a conversation with someone else, not even looking in my direction. I thanked him. His family left. I expected more, but was happy it was over. I thought maybe he had changed was going to make an amends considering it is a 12 Step program. Nope. During the meeting, he further messages me and it took a completely different direction of weird while confirming his narcissistic personality.)

Ex: Hey listen...I wanted to stay and talk with you a bit, but you seemed upset. I didn't want to ruin your night or anything. Since I had the family with me I didn't think it would be best to stick around...especially if you feel any animosity toward me. I just wanted to give you your gameboy. Thought it might make you happy to have it back after all these years. If you're upset with me about something please let me know so I can do my best to fix it. Praying for you...and I sincerely hope you have a wonderful Christmas, Caitlin.

(He assumed I was upset, creating a situation that doesn't exist so he might wiggle his way into my life and feel better about himself. My happiness is not nor was it ever dependent on the return of my Gameboy. Therefore, there is nothing to fix. I mended myself.)

(Minutes later)

Ex: Can I call you or you call me when you leave there? I don't want there to be any unresolved issues anymore. I can feel there are. *gives me his number*

(That's a fuck no. I will not provide a means of further harassment.)

(2 hours later)

Ex: It's been 5 years. That's a long time to hold onto something. I can't make it better if you don't let me. I'm here when you're ready to talk.

(He thought about it for hours. What makes him think he has the power to "make it better"? It is clear that it is bothering him more than it has me. I was given 5 years of being single to rebuild my life and become the woman that I am. I am aware of his manipulative, sneaky, and narcissistic games. I have the advantage. I worked through the emotions surrounding our relationship. He jumped into another relationship before ours was over, distracting himself from whatever core issue is now currently eating at him.)

(December 24, 2017)

I received a message from my ex's wife via my artist page and personal page.

Wife: Good morning Caitlin. I hope this message finds you well. I read your blog and am saddened by the picture you've painted of (insert Ex's name here). He is a excellent father and husband, nothing like what you have depicted. (Insert ex's name here) has never spoken badly of you and only said that he ended the relationship between you and him because he didn't see a future with you and didn't want to lead you on. This was before I met him and I understand people make mistakes. But he is not the monster you make him sound like. The time you had with him was a fraction of the years we have been together. I have been in a relationship with him since August 2013 and while he has flaws like everyone, he has grown into a wonderful, god-fearing, hardworking man. You do not know who he is. While you were in his life for a season, you cannot possible know who he is now. I'm not saying that he didn't do anything to hurt you. What I am saying is he is not the same person he was when he first started recovery. We recently moved into our first home and while we were moving one of the kids found your gameboy. The only intentions Abe had were to do a kind deed in the spirit of Christmas. In no way was he trying to be malicious or cause you pain. (Insert ex's name here) is a changed man from what you knew. I urge you as a sister in Christ to forgive as Christ forgave us. He has moved on and is happy and that's all he wishes for you. I pray you find happiness and wish you all the best. Merry Christmas.

(While viewing this message I accidentally highlighted the conversation, emojis popped up while I attempted to scroll and hit the thumbs down. I did not know how to take back, but I assume it did not go over well for I received another message.)

Wife: Obviously you aren't at a point in your life where we can handle things like mature adults. I'm sorry to have wasted your time and mine. Either way, I hope you have a good Christmas.

Me: Due to the holiday I had the intention of waiting to respond, but because I am not technologically savvy, I accidentally hit a thumbs down and it was misinterpreted. I have and had every intention of responding, but due to the holidays I request that out of respect and consideration for all involved, we each take time to spend time with our families. Merry Christmas!

(First of all, why am I of any concern to his wife? Second, why is my blog of any interest? Third, for one to assume I have not healed or endured such a painful process is quite judgemental. Determining my happiness based on your life aspirations and experiences judgemental and close-minded. Healing, happiness, and truth are dependent upon the perspective of the individual to whom it matters most, myself. Lastly, my words are not untrue because they come from a different perspective. All that I have written is based on my personal perspective and experience in the time I spent with him. I would like to think he is a changed man and I hope to God he is, but the abuse happened. He did not lay a hand on me, but physical touch is not required to meet the criteria for abuse. I continue to see him as the person he once was for I never saw who he became. Why would I? Our relationship ended and there was no reason to reconvene and share stories. Abuse is a form of trauma and it took its toll on my mentality and I admit I am still affected by those past experiences. For example, I was driven by fear, paranoia, and convinced everything had an ulterior motive and that returned in my writing of this post. It doesn't mean it is wrong. I was shown what was not to be tolerated in a relationship and for that I am thankful for I have refused to settle for less than what I deserve. I did not deserve him. I deserved much better.

I spoke to my sponsor, as one does when such an issue might arise in recovery, and saw my part. I should clarify this posting is not a form of retaliation or intended to do harm, but is a personal perspective of true events. I know what I want and how I would like this to be "fixed" assuming that it can be or needs to. However, my request to my ex is recovery based without the influence of others and should be left at that. That request cannot be guaranteed and for me to take action in an attempt to force things to be "fixed" is handing my problems to God only to snatch them back again. I pray for God's will and his timing, that should the opportunity arise I be given the words to speak that others may hear to reach resolution.

#recovery #addict #addiction #drug addict #drug addiction #drug abuse #cutting #cutter #self harm #self injury #mental health #abuse #domestic violence #dating abuse #dating violence #abusive relationship #ex