#give me a cool meaning talk they need it

[mari-lair]

Promo art of chap 103 dropped and I’m going insane

I MISS THEM SO MUCH YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!!

#tbhk #legit forgot today is next chapter day uyfgtuf #I don't even care if they don't address the elephant in the room (pp arc) #I want them to just INTERACT #and i value the crumb from chap 96 but it wasn't nearly enough #give me a cool meaning talk they need it #and if you can't I will take casual chat and goofing off too #pleeeeeeeeease #hanakou

[moeblob]

What Deacon thinks: what did that mean? did he want me to wear a collar too? why else would he mention my neck? i mean, if he /asked/ me i would wear one but he didn't so would wearing one be weird?

What Ymber meant: It's nice to be near someone who isn't tethered to this world to serve it with a physical reminder for all to see.

#my characters #this just in ! thats why all the deities in the plot have collars and a chain ! #its because THATS THEIR DESIGNATED I AM HERE TO HELP THIS WORLD SYMBOL #they cant remove their collars and thats fine by them - its a constant reminder that they exist to serve #deacon really shouldnt get as much crap as he gets in canon for being weird cause the deities are just a different brand of weird #like its not deacons fault that apparently you can say nice neck with no underlying desire #but he cant say hi would you please possess me i want to know what its like to have someone else in my body #like thats really not something you should pin on deacon YET EVERY deity is like wow what a lil weirdo #he also just really wants to please ymber so if ymber asked he would definitely do whatever #on the flip side i need to point out that deacon very specifically doesnt ask ymber for things nor does he pray for things #and it drives ymber up a wall because this is his favorite human who wont ask for anything and he isnt a psychic #he doesnt know what deacon wants or needs and its infuriating cause he exists to serve humanity #and yet this ONE GUY wont let him do things for him #this is very important and i cant believe i mentioned it like a month ago to someone and today #i received gift art of these two and i may never recover #its so perfect and its ymber just looming over deacon telling him that he can pray about anything to him #its also worth pointing out that when i was telling the person about the whole ymber begging for a prayer #its because he realizes that after all this time hes never had a single prayer from deacon - not before nor after the hire #so hes like oh well thats odd hmm #and then begins to talk to deacon like you know people pray to me for lots of things #and deacon looks at him unsure of what this is leading to - did someone offer a weird prayer? ask a weird thing? whatst? #and no - its just ymber saying that people will pray for wealth or an item #or they will express frustration if something is lost or broken despite it not being ymbers fault so deacon just stares #he has no idea what this is going to end on really so he points out 'well you do like to think you break people' #and ymber just ASDFASDFSADF STOP OK NEXT POINT people pray to me to bless relationships with happiness #and thats fascinating so deacon is like wow can you actually do that? #and ymber is so stressed as hes like i mean kinda i can simply amplify the positive emotions in gestures #like if someone gives an item out of love then its blessed #he also admits that he cant mask insincerity or malice so those feelings are not hidden nor amplified #and deacon just is impressed bc that is actually VERY cool

[theygender]

I've got too many games I want to play and not enough free time 😭 I still need to finish my BG3 playthrough but since Endless Ocean: Luminous came out I've been playing a lot of that instead. Also just got back into Wizard101 last night. Started playing House Flipper again last weekend. Still need to finish BOTW so I can start a TOTK playthrough and finish Pokemon Shield so I can start on Pokemon Violet. I've been fighting off the urge to start up a new Skyrim playthrough for weeks. My brother just told me that Paper Mario: The Thousand Year Door is getting ported to the Switch. And now I'm suddenly feeling inspired to replay DAI... And throughout all of this I'm also playing the hell out of DragonVale on my phone. Someone just pay me to play video games all day please

#and before anyone suggests it: no i cant try to get into streaming #the way i play video games is extremely frustrating for other people to watch ahdjsksl #no one is going to give me money for producing a video where i spend two hours checking every barrel in the map while juggling my inventory #and then immediately give up on a puzzle and just sit in silence for 30 minutes while i look up a walkthrough instead #i need a situation that pays me $200 a day just to be autistic at the screen alone in the comfort of my own home #rambling #a few years ago i made it a mission to play all of the dragon age games and dlcs in order and i did not complete it #i got all the way to inquisition before i quit #i had already played it on ps3 but i wanted to replay on my new gaming laptop and unfortunately my computer decided it was too complicated #and also i just wanted to play as an elf again and i was resisting that urge bc i played as an elf the first time and wanted something new #so i didnt connect to my character as much #BUT ive learned a lot about optimizing my games from getting bg3 to run on my computer #so i think i could get it to handle dai now. especially if i upgrade to ssd like ive been wanting #and i just saw a dai post on my dash that made me daydream about possible characters and i was struck with inspiration #when i first played through on ps3 i didnt know anything about da lore. it was my first dragon age game #i was just doing whatever i thought seemed coolest #so i basically modeled my inquisitor after my dnd oc and then just picked a vallaslin i thought was pretty #and then when it came time to pick a specialization i was just like 'i mean my hand has rift magic right? seems obvious enough' #but now i know the LORE. and the dalish really interest me. and i want to make an inquisitor thats their own character #i didnt want to replay another elf mage bc i thought it would be too similar #but at the same time i wanted to re-experience dai (and experience trespasser for the first time) now that i knew more about the dalish #(with mods that fix the annoying bits where your character seems to not know about their own religion of course lol...) #i was thinking about that and i just got hit with some inspiration #instead of 'my dnd character but with a cool tattoo and rift magic and they kinda roll with the inquisitor stuff bc idk whats going on' #what if i made a more intentional character with a much different personality and their own backstory #theyre still the first of their clan but i know what that means now so theyre not really into the herald of andraste stuff #theyre a devotee of falon'din with his vallaslin and fittingly choose necromancy specialization (tho theyre annoyed by all the maker talk) #they can look cool and goth and maybe they even make some different choices about the well of sorrows 👀 #i could keep rambling but im running out of tags gah #anyways ive got lots of ideas now and i think the playthrough would be unique enough to be worth it

[lesbiradshaw]

i wish nonlesbians could be Normal about lesbian headcanons or characters

#both having/stanning then or watching other people who have/stan them #but No somehow it always gets made weird #most often by nonlesbians taking lesbians stereotypes (ex mean lesbian/manhating lesbian/etc); assigning them to x character & running w it #or seeing that someone (usually a lesbian!) has this opinion or view about a character & either: #rushing to say shit like ‘i never wouldve seen it that way’ ‘not really my thing but so valid’ ‘i ship her w [man] but this is interesting #OR just piggybacking to say they hc the character as a different sexuality (which is like ok cool make ur own post then) #sorry but i actually feel like im going crazy sometimes because this happens almost every time i post ab lesbian hcs or lesbian fics. like #the word ‘valid’ gets thrown around so much and i know its not maliciously meant but it feels so backhanded 😭 #like Yeah i know its valid thats why im talking about it. why would i need a stamp of approval #anyways #maybe i Am crazy and no one else has picked up on this but. well #it has been irking me for so long. #also nonlesbians should not be joking ab m/f or m/m ships being ‘lesbian coded’ or ‘giving lesbian vibes’ SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!!!! #carolcore

[falled-over]

since pepper was asking for it something that girls do that always makes me think 'cool gender' is not change their names despite it being historically masculine and re-defining the name through their identity and relationship to it.

#dylan mulvaney springs to mind. of course. along with some less famous examples. #shes a great example to give because a lot of things about her align with ideals of cishet feminine ideals and she could've changed her nam #to match. but chose to keep dylan. great gender moment #another thing that i always think is a cool gender is girls who understand femininity as non-necessary addition and arent afraid of #masculinity being a detractor in their appearance #this includes things like girls who talk openly about their dick or dont tuck or a girl i saw recently who rocked a full beard with #lashes a wig and a full beat #and donning a butch identity as a trans girl is always a 'cool gender' moment. especially if she feels little to no need to change much #about herself. the pressures to change yourself as even a cis woman are so high that cis women earn 'cool gender' points from other cis #women for openly combatting them by not performing. the same should be extended to trans sisters #i feel like the 'cool gender' moments most often live in autistic transmasc communities. who are more interested in the metaphysical. #(and there are less fun masculine compliments out there to give so cool gender exists to fill that hole) #but i agree with her. more trans girls and transfeminine people should be seen as people with 'cool genders' #not thinking of donning femininity when thinking of cool genders is indeed misogynistic. dare i say transmisogynistic #hope you guys enjoy me dickriding (so to speak) for the girls every few months. as pippa has pointed out to me many times its a core part o #who i am #what did she just send me hold on #'i prefer “niche enjoyer” to chaser actually' #(in response to me saying something about trans women being the niche in the lgbt im most drawn to. theres no way to say that without #it sounding weird. something something fetishisation often means genuine appreciation reads as predatory making uncomplicated love seem #impossible which further marginalises the fetishised community etc... im just chatting shit u get what i mean) #im like a platonic chaser. unless youre interested in doing something unlabelled with an emphasis on the psycho of psychosexual in the note #i would say that that role has already been filled but who is interested in upholding monogamy in this day and age

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand. #which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing. #the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

[mbirnsings-71]

What if i just start reading comics but just for Bernard because of you??? WHat then??? I am now happy when i see Bernard pictures from you, i need content now...

OH BUDDY DO I HAVE A LIST FOR YOU CAUSE I HAD TO TELL @cannimochi THE SAME EXACT LIST LET ME TELL YOU

OKAY SO BERNARD'S FIRST APPEARANCE IS IN TIM'S ROBIN RUN OF 1993 SPECIFICALLY ISSUE #121 IS WHERE HE FIRST APPEARS OKAY OKAY AND THEN HE APPEARS IN ISSUES #122, #123, #126, #127, AND ISSUE #140 of Tim's Robin run but also gets a name drop in issue #141 but other than that isn't really there and he's in Batman issue #631 (2004) but other than that that's the most we get to see out of Bernard for a while and where I'm really out of my Depth what to say because I haven't read those issues yet so onto the stuff I have read...

He gets reintroduced in Batman Urban Legends issues #4, #5, #6, and #10, but if you're reading this on somewhere like Google play books and find the Batman urban legends Volumes (Cause Volumes and issues are different I've learned that! I went head first into this and got the Jason and Bruce Cheerdrops story out of it so Like I'm content that was the first comic I bought on Google Play books my god-) first The Tim and Bernard story is gonna be in the second Volume or if you just want the specific content of that particular story there is the "DC Pride: Tim Drake Special (2022) #1" Which contains The Batman Urban Legends Issues we covered but also a story that directly leads into the Tim Drake: Robin Run which is where I keep sending you Bernard Photos from whenever I get to infodump about this guy.

There is also a Story about them in the "DC Pride 2022 (2022) #1" called Special Delivery which is really just a sweet pride Story for them it makes me ill because god plus the art for that particular story is by Travis Moore so that's fun and neat and I can probably share it with you if you want.

Now where Bernard really continues to be a supporting character and where we actually continue to learn about him is the recent Tim Run a.k.a Tim Drake: Robin because he's in literally every issue, he gets at least one appearance in each issue. Where we learn about him the most though is in Tim Drake: Robin issue #7 where it's told through his POV and we get his inner thoughts. I really enjoy it, but you can tell I just care about the guy. He also gets a Cameo in Batman #132 (2023), but again it's a small cameo that I can just show you the page it's on if wanted.

Not Canon, (High emphasis on Not Canon because it really is just a fun light-hearted thing to read if you want) but like there's also the Wayne Family Adventures webtoon and if you're looking for Bernard content there you're going to want Episodes 40 and 41 (Better and Brighter part one and two)

But yeah that's really all I know about Bernard's comic appearances which is a list I gathered from This post here which talks about the sadder parts of Bernard's backstory if you want to read that!!:

Have fun Learning more about Bernard because literally I am incapable of shutting up about the info I retain about this guy!! (I can not help the characters I ramble about I am so sorry that this is so long-)

#Hoku stuff!! #Ru Stuff!! #I'm still kinda new to Comics but the least I can do is give an infodump of the stuff I have learned about this one specific side character #because I didn't mean to get attached to him it just sort of happened his character growth is really interesting to me it's so #Bernard Dowd #Tim Drake: Robin #Madi talks about DC which has been their hyperfixation since February so I'm learning okay I'm willing to learn more #like right now I really need to continue reading the 1998 YJ Comic I have it and I just haven't have the time to read it so yeah okay cool #dc comics #DC #Have fun with this Ramble because it's a lot my god #never let me talk holy moly

[hrokkall]

hey crow. how was p2 going for ya (definitely didn't watch you stream it /j)

That boulder sure can push back

#Re: Inbox #Re: Anon #TL;DR P-2 was good it took me nearly an hour and a half and the lore was a full course meal #As for the less concise version: #I GOT MY ASS **KICKED** KICKED #THE FIGHT WAS SO FUCKING COOL THOUGH AND SO WAS THE TERMINAL ENTRY AT THE END AND SISYPHUS'S TERMINAL ENTRY AND #I have so so SO much to say about it you guys have no idea this game keeps giving me everything I want #It gives genius loci and robots who are inadvertently human and machines both divine and mechanical abandoned by their creators and canon- #game mechanics and body horror and romance in the violence/violence in the romance and blue & orange morality and environmental storytellin #A gift that keeps on giving it's like engineered to be my personal sort of catnip. All it needs is messy divorce (joking) #Anyway P-2 did NOT disappoint Sisyphus prime looks so damn cool #I still have no idea where his husk's head is though. I was talking with a friend about it on call and I concluded that it's probably not i #P-2 because if that was used as a means of torture (as in ''look at your own face; the sight of which made your army lose all morale'') it- #would just make Sisyphus angrier and even more stubborn which is the opposite of what they were going for. Can't break this guy #Anyway yeah that's the extended version of my thoughts on P-2. I want to make a whole headcanon post about machines and their dynamics now #(Because of the entry 02 terminal gladiator trading thing. That's what I headcanoned initially but seeing it confirmed makes me SO happy) #Stoat Plays

[idiosyncraticrednebula]

Ngl, if Tiana doesn't wield a firearm in some way in her new series, I'm gonna be so disappointed. Firearms were already very legal and commonly used in the States by the mid-late 1920s (which is when TPATF mostly takes place), so I'd like to see her sport it at least once. She'd be the first Disney Princess to canonically wield a gun/firearm. They seriously need to make that happen. Also, why doesn't fanart of her wielding a firearm exist????

#tiana #disney #the tiana series #i hc tiana as a pro-gun person like honestly. she would only use it when she REALLY needs it to tho. that'd be her whole thing #you can't tell me she doesn't have a firearm hidden in the kitchen in case someone breaks in. i see tiana as THAT type #she wouldn't really shoot but at least intimidate the intruder #i mean she used louie to f*cking scare the racist businessmen into giving her the damn key to the territory #don't think for one second she wouldn't wield a firearm to scare someone away #“why are you hc'ing tiana as pro-gun” my brother in christ this was the united states in the '20s #the us has always been known for its VERY pro-gun stance #also given the era she grew up in (jim crow) that woulda been very useful anyways #tiana is badass like that #crazy to think she is the only princess who possibly lived till the 21st century #she was born in 1907 as she was 19 in 1926. that sh*t is incredible tbh #disney will never ever show that but man it makes you think like damn she really saw ALL of the social change #i know she isn't real #i get that part but i'm sorry dp's are the most important characters to me so it blows my mind that she possibly lived till the 21st centur #it's crazy but cool #“you are glorifying gun violence. that's horrible” no sister i'm just talking about how cool and badass it'd be for a disneh princess to #wield a gun. they've wielded swords and bows before (mulan ariel [in the sequel for a brief moment] rapunzel probably MERIDA moana quite #possibly RAYA) so why is a gun any different? also that's a whole another vibe tbh #naveen is the one that would be like “WAIT WAIT WHY ARE YOU HOLDING THAT THING???” dude is probably a gun HATER #i can tell it. “i don't understand you americans's obsession with guns!!!! seriously!” and tiana is like oh poor bby lmaooo #jasmine did too in the series!! these b*tches are no stranger to WEAPONS lmao

[assmaster-8000]

Those were all hallucinations because if you're patient rook he'll be the best lover anyone could have he'd take you out to the sweetest dates they feel like you're living a fairy tale, as soon as 12 am hits on your anniversary he'll be awake, just to kiss your face and hold you tightly, it's important to him even if he knows you don't realize it's happening, and once you do wake up you wake up to the sweetest man to ever exist he won't leave your side at all in that day he couldn't bear to do so, that's why he makes sure to clear up everything in his schedule two weeks before. he'd want to travel the world by your side, take you to experiences he knows you'll never forget and cherish forever he wants you to be by his side at all times of his life he can't imagine how he'd be had you not stayed by his side despite his flaws

ur so sweet aster it'd almost be inconceivable if there were ever a situation else wise 😵

for realsies though i may be an easily irritated person, im very patient in dealing with people and emotionally tense situations so me and rook? we gang fr we tight like a booty hole in here 🤭 im a very heavy sleeper so unless rook shakes me by the neck to give me a kiss i would NAWT gaf 🔥🔥🔥

#not the most mature person in the world; i still have a lot to learn about myself and others #but i will say i have a surprising amount of emotional intelligence? #i say surprising because i don't think i give that vibe off #and when i was 12-13 i used to have many faults in conflict with friends #i mean that's 5 years ish ago so obviously id have changed #when i was 14-16 i had several conflicts with close friends too but i was more of bystander involved than particularly INVOLVED involved #and i usually keep my cool and communicate/listen well during then #though i can't say the same for afters #ive had a lot of opportunities to learn from people who are... how to say. hot and cold? the cold shoulder types i guess #and ive waited. months and years for friends. #still waiting for a few of them #im patient in that i can give time and space to people and work it out with them #but i also get irritated if you talk to me with the wrong intonation for the day so its a win lose thing 😿 #i don't know if you wanted to hear me talk about myself so i left it in the tags #but i like hearing about my moots. like who they really are behind the silly acoustic account #and sharing things about myself as well #honestly i think people like him and vil are the best types of people. not just characters. but people #for people like you. he's very attentive and observant and tenacious and passionate and i think that's what you need #˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ asterisk #˗ˋˏ ♡ ˎˊ˗ asks

[jrueships]

Steph/lebron or lebron/kyrie? thoughts?

tbh i don't really have any on either ! im not a big follower on any of the players listed, not cus like they all suck and their ships suck or something, it's just ! the players happen to just not be my favs! i don't hate em, but i don't u know? love them enough to take real interest and learn more about them myself, and that's just a personal me thing! i feel like id know more about bron/kyrie and be more interactive with them if i came into the fandom earlier to watch its VERY interesting storyline unfold in all its dramatic king and shadow chaos, but i was busy shaving my hedgehog and i don't have enough of the fueled want to go back and check their details myself. BUT!!@ again that doesn't mean EITHER is bad, and since i don't have the experience to speak GOOD good on either, i don't have the experience to speak the BAD bad on either! Both the ships are like! There! And it's cool, do whatever! They're cool !

#it's like zach i dont fuck with him both pos and neg hes just kinda there for me and thats cool! #when it comes to me viewing ppl how i view zach i just kinda let em be! #i do know some surface level funny facts but im the kinda person who needs to dive in myself and rlly get to explore #the unexplored for me to be comfortable enough to put them into writing or smthin #and with them i just dont know/wasnt there to know #it's whatever! write what makes YOU happy!! #tbh im kinda surprised there isnt a lot of bron/kyrie talk here? maybe it's more of a wattpad ship? #or maybe theyre all hiding?? #yall dont hide!! just cus people dont post it on the daily DOESNT mean yall cant!!! #post whatever ure into!! love what YOUR heart has decided to love!! #ull find ur ppl! #so yea! i dont have any big thoughts to say! #ive seen stuff that give me a basic idea on the ships and it's very cute!!! i like seeing it! #but cus i personally havent spent time to know it fully it's also kinda quicker for me to notice some things that make me a little :/ #BUT thats just cus IM not seein it thru a place of LOVE so it's really not that deep? u know? #like u can make a point without being a hater i mean?? idk #just some things ive noticed were like.. theres some things sometimes where it's like. okay. it's getting weird #like smaller = automatically uwu baby omega bttm or fckin whatever lol taller being big controlling alpha dom #lightskin being babyfaced innocent ethereal angel virgin baby whatever. paired with the more aggressive oo big bad tough fckin whatever 🙄 #and it's not problems that sit in just THOSE ships only it's just that those ships/ppl are so BIG and prevalent #u kinda see surrounding issues more clearly. like. idk. if steph had a darker complex... would Everyone #really like. treat him the way they do rn. kinda thinkin. BUT ALSO U CAN THINK THAT ABT A L O T of things which SUCKS but true #it's just a more ?? prevalent pattern example??? idk.. u can also see it sometimes with the boston jays but again #it's an overall issue u shouldnt always apply to One thing cus it's Way bigger than that and should be treated as such!! #SO YEA tho do what u love! write em in a way that others will see ur love! and love them too! #write them ! the way they !! are!! because ppl will love that! feed em ALL the things!! DO UR LOVE JUSTICE #and ur love will find you THRU !!! #sorry i couldnt like! go crazy over em! i think their dyanmics are rlly cool and u should def ask more ppl who know more abt it! #theyre a good ship!! find the ppl that know it and see it as such!! #ted asks

[sapsolais]

i love nimona

#i'm going 2 ramble here in the tags ok. okay? ok #god. look. i went into this movie thinking 'yeah yeah obv trans allegory woohoo' thinkin that's great! but #idk. i thought it would be something that could be brushed aside or sanitized easily maybe. y'know? like passed off as another kids movie #and i thought maybe other trans folks could relate 2 the movie and i was like ok that's cool let's watch it and. it was just #that one scene. #everyone talked abt how they cried and how it really Hit and i didn't get it until then #at the statue #i cried. a lot. and i never do that w media and i don't mean that to be edgy or whatever kssdfkjg but just #oh fuck #they Get It #that part. it reached into my soul and grabbed that core part of me and Tugged. #it Hurt and i felt it. the exhaustion. ready to give up. the cry nimona let out. i cried because i got it. and then i cried harder because #i'd give anything for a ballister in my life #my thoughts are 'they got us in the second half ngl' basically KSDJHFKSJDHFKSD #first half of the movie? great! but second half? oh. oh it punches u in the face over and over and gets better and better #it's so. SO good. god. i don't know when everything clicked 4 me i don't think it was a singular moment but. man. oh man #i need to rewatch that immediately #instantly a favorite. shit #it's so unapologetically nimona. it's so Itself and it's not sorry and i love it and it feels so special and i'm holding it so close #there's 2 much to gush about in these tags there's not enough space but just know. i am Insane about this #sap says #god. fuck

[avpd-queer]

I feel bad that my former best friend is in a toxic relationship and can’t see it, is throwing away their friends of over a decade for her, but I also can’t stop remembering how, when I shared with them that I had just learned I had been cheated on and gaslighted about it for 6 years, their response was concern about my abuser’s mental health. That conversation didn’t affect their relationship with him in the slightest, they didn’t try to be there for me or show up for me to him, and when I they learned that I was going to get back with that person just a few days later, expecting them to be like, “uh no I don’t think that’s a good idea” (like everyone else had done and like I expected from them, having told them “just don’t let any of your friends date him” when I shared that I was leaving him, thinking they could help me figure out where to sleep and how to adjust), they didn’t protest at all. I was glad to avoid the awkwardness of, “thank you for your concern but I don’t have other options and idk I guess I’m gullible but also I just really want to believe it’ll get better” but also hurt that they didn’t seem concerned for my well-being. Hoping that they just didn’t voice that part because I’m an adult and can make decisions and already know what advice I would give myself. I just had to cling to believing that, and thinking maybe they don’t understand what gaslighting is and that’s why they didn’t seem to care, even as they became less and less my friend and eventually dropped both of us for trying to set a boundary with them about their girlfriend. And the only way they offer for me to be there for them through their relationship is to stuff down all of my needs and feelings, go along with every whim of their girlfriend, and accept that we will never get time with them without her ever again. They kept pretending like everything was okay and they totally understood, when we were face-to-face, and then they’d go home and suddenly we’re horrible and need to apologize to her for…being her friend? Trying to get more time with our best friend? Being honest with our best friend when they ask why we haven’t been able to get closer to their girlfriend? We were trying to be adult and trust in the strength of our friendship, but they fully gave in to their girlfriend’s temper tantrum over her misinterpretation of messages she logged into their discord to read, and they have just fully thrown us away. Ghosted us for pride and haven’t communicated with us in any form since. We had some extra pizza from a canceled event at my partner’s work that I left on their doorstep and had my sister text about, and they responded that they were out of the country, visiting her family. Normally we have two weekly dnd sessions and 1-2 weekly hangout sessions - the first week of dnd was canceled and after that, they just never showed up. This month of nothing is one of the few months we had left before they were going to move to where her family lives in the US, like 10hr drive from here, being fully isolated with her, without a support system, away from the support system they haven’t been away from in like 8 years (when I was in New York - my partner was here during those 2 years, they were roommates).

I’m just so hurt. They meant so much to me, I planned on having them in my life for the rest of it. I knew in the last relationship they were in they let us fall to the side some but she broke up with them and they realized how absorbed they’d been and promised to not let it happen again. Before meeting the current girlfriend, who they immediately got absorbed into. I don’t know what the fuck to do.

#vent #I guess I’ll show this to my therapist #it’s hard to find the words when you’re not in the moment fully feeling the feelings and are talking to a stranger #instead of a blank void #my chest feels like a black hole #I keep thinking of cool people in my past who I was too scared to get to know #how I just got to know the people it was easiest to #because they weren’t intimidating #and this is the result #people tell me I have too high standards but? is this the result of the opposite? I’ve isolated myself as my mental health has gotten worse #and clung to the people who I thought cared about me the people who were easiest to keep in my life #and then those people turned out to not give a shit about me or need to have some kind of epiphany to realize I’m a human #being who they shouldn’t abuse #my adult relationships have just been emulating the treatment I got from my mom and oldest sister growing up #so much of the recurring shit from them has been recurring in my adult life too #never thought I would fall victim to the ‘you seek out the treatment you know’ trope #I guess #btw if there is a person reading this while I don’t always believe it for obvious reasons #I do think my partner just somehow didn’t realize how horrible he was being and is making progress now…he still falls short a lot in those #ways (I mean like not considering how his actions affect me or how I would feel about something and lashing out at me when he’s feeling #defensive not like…dropping a cup or forgetting something) #but it happens less #and he’s quicker to listen to me and understand and apologize #than he used to be #and not so weird and attack-y about his phone and computer and social medias #and he’s usually good about understanding it’ll be a process and the flip side of me being understanding of his growth being slow and non-li #near #is that I can’t get over years of abuse and a rewriting of my brain overnight #my mental health is so much worse after years of gaslighting and that’s going to take work on both of our ends #and he’ll have to create a space of trust and comfort with me not just expect it to be there magically

[elytrafemme]

friendship is cool bc you get to have these funny little guys who make you happy and become a better person or whatever and laugh a lot. but then there’s the horrors (trying to see and message them frequently enough when you know you can’t possibly juggle all of them all at once and never knowing the best answer)

#nightmare.personal #maybe i tell my irls to fuck off for a week so i can just get to work repairing all my online relationships #i won't actually do that but like. my social battery is so fucked #also there's the other issues but we don't talk aboutu those <- diseased interpersonally #we do talk abt those a lot but im turning over a new leaf to be normal #this is late night confessionals. hi i know cool people. wish i fucking knew how to talk to anybody #its so stupid too bc when i message them or join a vc everyone accepts me like i was never gone and is friendly and kind and all that #but then it's like. do ppl think im not committing. do they think i don't care #and like how do i convince people i care when im barely here and barely know whats going on #idk. wish klav was here he's better at fucking online things i think #i think im doing good socializing with my irls at least. like scheduling hangouts #when my gf comes back i need to see her like asap bc my brain is fucking obliterating itself but thats unrelated #sorry this is litrally late night thoughts #dont rb btw #my irl social life is better and i think part of me sees that as more important? #like obviously all my friends are important to me diffeerently but. if i disappear on an irl for a while they'll give me shit for it #versus online that's just life you know but. i don't know. #sometimes i wonder if my online friends know how much they mean to me and i realize they probably don't and i get scared #and then i wonder how all of them have to feel about me at that point and we don't really have to go into that but like #i don't know. it's always a little a lot scary #and people seem to be so natural at doing this online but i meanwhile just fucking can't #i'm allergic to discord servers its a thing. except the one im active in which makes me happy but i still forget to talk there all the time #so im still allergic but im choosing to partake. its like the lactose intolerance of the whole group

[this-doesnt-endd]

Theres one local theatre in my town thats at the end of the line of the bus route and theyll do throwback movies and a lot of the times its 80s movies and with the new 4k version of risky business on the horizion i desperatly need them to show it

#i need them to show it so i can have the very specific movie experince i have when i go to that theatre #and i do not arrive late to the movies #i walk around the fanciest dollar tree in town and marvel i usually a random snack that ive never seen anywhere else other than here #then ill go across the street and since the streets up there are upkept and paved well its blistering hot and ill been reminded #that i do infact live in the desert but the airconditioning of the fanciest grocery store will save me i will go there and also marvel #and become enchanted by the fresh baked sourdough loafs one of which i will buy and hope the theatre is cool abt it so i dont have to carry #it wrapped in my movie theatre hoodie like a baby if theres time i will go have a slice of pizza at the local pizza place it has not changed #since the 80s and is more humid than miami in the summer but ill sit listen to synth and have my food as i watch the fountain then ill head #to the theatre get a print ticket cause i will NOT leave the theatre without my lil sou ineer and stand in the consesscions line trying to #remember if this is a pepsi or coke establishment but dont worry i got time cause the line takes 45min to get thru somehow even if im the #only one in it ill get mt drink and walk to my seat thinking this place is huge but i did used to be an old grocery store or a staples so ye #ill have a blissfull 2 hrs of movie time come out a changed man my new personality for the next few days is this movie like it always is #ill go nextdoor to the fancy icecream place and get a cone but i always get a plain flavor and ill eat it outside in the wire chairs n heat #this is reflecting time by the time im done its ususlly around 5 which means my mom wants me home asap n doesnt want me sitting in the heat #so ill go back get a stronf coffee n take n uber which will almost always take the long way which means i get looking out the window day #dreaming as i look at the sprawling desert one of my fave parts of the day i will return home w a beadache since my constitution cant handle #anything anymore and car rides make me feel ill but ifs fine cause ill get home n my bed is perfectly msde by my mother whom i love and the #and who sometimes makes my bed for me cause she also know im getting home w a headache and the house will be that perfect temp of freezing #and ill lay in bed w an icepack n my coffee and itll feel the way sundays b4 school used to feel in a good way #and ill still be listenong to the score and reflecting and feelimg greatfull thay i can have my lil movie days n treats and feel so carefree #for a while and feel hopefull n inspired and then ill a nap and wake up feeling refreshed and then ill text my dad n give him my opinons #and rating on tbe movie and then e #he'll call and we'll talk abt 80s movies and ill still have that sunday feeling and ill feel so co ntent #its such an incredibly incredibly hyper specific experince but i deeply cherish it and ill have it abt 3 times a year n i look foward to it #anyways i need to go to bed now but hoping that experince will come again soonish and when it does i hope they show risky business #or ferris bueller

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#do i feel guilty abt spending like 4+hrs working on my CV during normal work hours today? yes #but also i spent 5 months getting paid part time when i was working 10+hr days 6 days a week #so i feel like it balances out #also i need to update my cv as things happen bc i instantly forget so many things i do #like i forgot i was named on at least 1 publication. like completely forgot until i searched my name on google scholar #also i have like 25 posters/presentations to my name. and only like maybe 5 of those are ones that r just in name #ive given a lot of talks/poster presentations lol #my cv is so long. i prob should have shortened it more before i sent it to the dude im talking with #but like. idk im gonna meet him next week so like if i commit a little faux pas by sending a too long cv im sure its fine. hes already #interested enough to chat. and therefore i have to bust my ass preparing to meet with him #bc hes from the most prestigious uni ive contacted. so like really theres no way ill get in. but i will shamelessly try #god. ive gotta really study hard. like i mean i dont have to but ive been so burnt out for so long that ive been slipping when it comes to #hardcore academic stuff. like my memory of genetics and chem stuff is slipping. and generally i find it difficult to wrangle my thoughts in #a way that makes sense. so i really wanna be prepared to talk to him #lol my boss is gonna get back from Europe like hey ur gonna follow me to las vegas? and im gonna be like haha fuck that i dont wanna live #there. i am currently 1 foot out the door. im at the bus stop waiting for someone to give me the money for the science bus #give me funding to study cool stuff!!!! #ugh and i still need to look for more ppl to ask. like i want at least 2 or 3 US options on top of my 3 potential UK options #and like im really considering contacting some ppl in Germany bc like all the papers i look at are german. the germans are doing cool #cyanobacteria bullshit. and im jealous and i dont speak german but hey ive got a year to learn #so idk maybe ill see if my boss talked to anyone cool while she was at her conferences. pls boss tell me abt the other cool cyanobacteria #ppl 🙏 but idk. i feel like ppl dont quite get what im interested in. bc its astrobiology but really its more evolution and understanding #the fundamentals of life. so like no i dont wanna go to mars. i wanna understand what freaky shit life was doing millons if years ago #ugh. im being a slacker. ive gotta shift into try hard mode. #but also i wanna draw and finish my fanfics 😭 we'll see what happens #unrelated #also thank u to the ppl who sent kind words on my post yesterday! im still shadowbanned so i cant reply to u 😭