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lockedstuck · 3 years

Text

moving your mouth to pull out all your miracles

April 2021 - Gamzee Makara

You don’t like the way your thoughts proceed on halo, helldog, or haloperidol, or whatever Karbro calls it. After you take it, the world feels blunt, impersonal, and grayscale, like you’re a motherfucking puppet with a head full of straw. Your brother used to love a poem about that, about some guys with straw heads, but mostly about the world ending.

Kurloz liked a lot of motherfucking things before he did nine months in Rikers for cocaine distribution. Originally it was only supposed to be six months, but he got into a fight and got three months added on. When he got out, he was thoughtful and quiet, even a word of acknowledgment seemingly beyond him. You’ll be damned if that ever happens to you, if you let the system hollow you out until you can’t express the simplest serendipity.

Right now you’re sketching your friends, quick sketches with the charcoal set Dr. Levin brought you. One of Karkat having a rare smile for June, one of Sollux and Roxy talking about programming, one of Dr. V addressing the group about healthy coping mechanisms, and one of Porrim braiding Calliope’s hair. You always feel more like yourself when you’re sketching or painting. Fewer thoughts in your head to get jangle-tangled together and create nonsense. You can keep your miracles straight this way.

You’re cool. You’re easy. You’re loose. No snapped strings, heads full of straw, or blasphemies here, no motherfucking way. The ativan caravan marches through your head, sings your sharp edges to sleep. Nurse Dolores knows what’s up, she only makes you take the medications you want to take. Your cognition flies free, like birds in a breeze, a calm going on between your ears.

Roxy turns and grins at you, her face pale as the moon against her dark hoodie and darker lipstick. She has a smile all her own, a knowing smile like the two of you are in on the greatest secret in the world. You wish you knew precisely what that was about, but everyone has their own internal workings. You can’t know and fix everything about everyone all the time. That’s what you were trying to explain to Sollux last night.

He’s a good guy, but he takes too much on. Same for Karkat. They take on everyone’s issues and make them their own. Only the mirthful messiahs should be able to do so much; humans like trying that hard is a minor sacrilege. If the pair of them would just stick to themselves, maybe they wouldn’t be so sick. You’ll fold more flowers for them - paper flowers that banish repetitive, ruminating thoughts.

You like Roxy a lot, though. She dances through each emotion in its totality, riding the waves of her feelings without fear. Okay, maybe not fearlessly, but with more abandon than you would expect. When she looks at you, you feel warmth all the way to your core, the way you are when you’re about to fall asleep all curled up in your sheets.

Speaking of sleep, Dr. V says that if you keep sleeping through the night, and keep what he calls “disruptive outbursts” about the Dark Carnival to a minimum, maybe you’ll get discharged in a couple of weeks. You’re not exactly in any rush to go home. Home means having to fend for yourself, and fewer friends to keep you in good spirits. Besides, Kurloz is home, and for all that he may be your brother, he gives off bad motherfucking vibes. You wish he’d be easy, like old times, but those days are a long way off.

You remember when you used to be able to relax at home. Relax, smoke a joint, sell an eighth or two, and have dinner without having to fend off your brother’s brooding.

Karkat takes the seat next to you, and you clap him on the back. Physical contact may be discouraged here, but there’re no narcs around to encourage law and order at the moment. You think a support team got dispatched to address Feferi wandering around with no clothes on again.

“What’s up?” Karkat asks.

He nevertheless looks preoccupied and far away. That’s unfortunate.

You take another folded flower out of your pocket and hand it to him.

“There’s rosemary, that’s for remembrance; pray, love, remember; and there is pansies, that’s for thoughts,” you recall from a play you had to read in AP English a couple years ago. You can’t exactly remember what the play’s about, but stray lines here and there stick out to you like a sore thumb. Except neither of your actual thumbs are sore.

“That’s from Hamlet, isn’t it?” Karkat asks, shaking his head at you. “What’re you, the bard of 3 East?”

Now you’re not certain about that, but you’ll take it.

“Someone’s gotta be, ain’t they? I got more poetry if you want it.”

Karkat sighs. “Yeah, lay it on me, Makara. Dr. Vandayar told me I’m not getting discharged next week so I’m not feeling great at the moment.”

Poor Karbro looks like he’s full of thunderstorms. Maybe a calm vista will quiet him down. You pull a few lines of poetry free from your memory.

“I shall wear white flannel trousers and walk upon the beach... I have heard the mermaids singing each to each... I do not think that they will sing to me.”

“Go on,” Karkat says, looking all at once pensive and a little sad.

I have seen them riding seaward on the waves... Combing the white hair of the waves blown back... When the wind blows the water white and black,” you recite. Now, Roxy, Calliope, and Porrim have stopped to listen to you. You go on, establishing a proper rhythm.

“We have lingered in the chambers of the sea... by sea-girls wreathed with seaweed red and brown... ‘till human voices wake us, and we drown.” When no one says anything, you interject, “That’s the end of the fuckin’ poem, y’all.”

“It’s beautiful,” Porrim whispers. “Did you write that?”

You shake your head in the negative. “Naw, that’s some other motherfucker’s ideas outta my mouth. I wrote a couple of my own lines last night if you wanna hear ‘em, though.”

“Sure,” Calliope says, smiling and clapping her hands once.

“My muse distills my melancholy, pins it to the corkboard with a tack. She presses down upon the pigments, bleeds my blues into the boldest black.”

Even Karkat looks surprised. He narrows his eyes at you.

“If you don’t go study art or literature, or something along that line, I’ll fucking kill you.”

“Ain’t no need to resort to murder, brother,” you reply. “And while I’d like to go sit in a motherfucking college somewhere, I ain’t got shit for tuition.”

“If I have to take up a goddamn collection, I am sending your ass to college. Tout-suite.”

You guess now is not the time to inform him that you straight up flunked outta college after you kept forgetting to go to class. You sat in the grass memorizing poetry and sketching the first dandelions of March, which got in the way of your learning anything or taking your exams, or any of the shit college students are supposed to do. You didn’t mean to forget, but you’ve never been great at any routine shit.

And you’ve always had a knack for going where your thoughts take you. When you were a kid, you would leave the house and walk up and down the streets of Harlem unattended. Your grandmother used to read you the riot act for doing something so reckless and nonsensical. Later, during your hospitalizations, you learned that the way your thoughts stuttered and tangled was called schizophrenia, and doctors medicated you accordingly. They called your prophecies delusion, and you beg(ged) to differ.

The medications ground your thought process to a stuttering halt. You hated it. You hated being cut off from yourself. So you stopped taking your meds. And here you are again, with your strange thoughts and remembrances.

“Alas, poor Yorick. I knew him, Horatio,” Karkat murmurs.

You grin at him. He understands more than he lets on.

June winks at you, and then walks away to the women’s side of the unit, presumably to call her father. She calls him every day at 8 am and 3 pm, like clockwork. Karkat gazes at her as she walks away, the back of her short dress fluttering behind her.

“June looks nice today,” you say to him.

He stops staring and glances at you for a moment.

“Yeah, um, she looks nice every day,” he replies. “Not that I make it my business to notice.”

You point to the delicate paper flower he has in his hand. “Sometimes the most miraculous thing you can fuckin’ do is give another person a taste of serendipity.”

Roxy smiles her cheshire cat smile from her seat by the television.

“That’s right, Crabby. Dontcha think June deserves her very own miracle?”

Karkat reddens, looks at the flower in his hand, and takes off for the women’s side.

“Hey, Egbert!” he shouts. “I have something for you.”

By the time you see June again, she’s wearing the small red flower in her hair. Roxy gives you a satisfied little nod, then asks you if you’d like her to put your hair in braids.

“I’m not as good as Pomary with hair, but I’m alright, I guess. Your hair looks like some birds took up residence in it, dude.”

“Why, thank you,” you reply. You take a seat at her feet, after she grabs her comb, brush, hair grease, and spray bottle out of sharps.

She’s right. She’s not a thing like Pomary when it comes to braiding. You’re used to the gentle motions of Porrim’s hands as she manipulates flowers into your hair, but Roxy tugs great fistfuls of your hair into twists. It feels nice, like she’s tethering you to the present, to the here and now.

You tell her that, thank her for bringing you back, and she blushes crimson.

“Aw, I’m not tryna do all of that,” she responds. “Just tryna work through my anxiety. Dolores gave me an ativan an hour ago, and I don’t feel it yet.”

Roxy bends low, and plants a kiss on your forehead, right where your skin meets your greasepaint. Her lips are the softest thing you’ve ever felt.

She keeps braiding, manipulating your hair into cornrows. With Roxy near you, you don’t necessarily have to be a prophet or an apostate of the mirthful messiahs. You don’t have to deliver special messages to special people. You can just be Gamzee Motherfucking Makara, doing you as per usual.

#gamroxy #junekat

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imhereformysciencefriends · 7 years

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do you have any recs for happy gamzee fics? youre one of the few people who i trust in that department lmao

Sorry it took me so long to answer, but I wasn’t on my comp! Now I have access to all my lovely bookmarks

Let’s start with my favorite of all favorites, my absolutely best fic ever that I love: A Heavy Heart http://archiveofourown.org/works/883756 Words cannot describe how much I love this fic. Like I am not shitting you when I say this is my favorite fic ever written and you should go read it right away immediately! It starts out with Sad Gamzee but then you get to the Happy Gamzee later and it’s great! Sorta reverse-hemospectrum? Sorta kinda ish.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2503655 Naga Gamzee! A very nice fic, pale boyfriends GamKar, I’m love (though honestly everything by Splick is absolute perfection lbr)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1769956/chapters/3787246 Pale Pornstar Karkat falls in pity with his costar, who turns out to be genuinely distressed and not just putting on airs for the camera. Another Splick fic. 10/10 would suggest

http://archiveofourown.org/works/454558 Okay this one I’m a little iffy to call Happy Gamzee since it sorta adheres to the idea that Gamzee was “naturally” violent in Game but chilled his tits after victory (but retained some creepiness factor) and tbeh it’s mostly about Davesprite and Karkat but also it is REALLY GOOD AND I LOVE IT so it’s going on here anyway

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1219165?view_full_work=true GamKar sickfic, choiiiiiiice, another Splick fic (they’re all really so good but damn if I’m not gonna list out my faves)

http://palestporn.tumblr.com/ speaking of Splick and their work from God and heaven both

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3330671/chapters/7282250 this is about everyone, but don’t let the TavVrisk tag fool you!!!! That’s there for a good reason and that reason is my son standing up for himself! I was actually subscribed to this as it was coming out and let me tell you I did not want to have to WAIT for new chapters, it was so good!

http://archiveofourown.org/works/365950/chapters/594493 okay this one doesn’t belong here either since it is almost entirely about Karkat and John but ITS REALLY GOOD AND GAMZEE IS THERE FOR PART OF IT and you should read it because it’s great

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1132964 I don’t remember what this one is about except pale porn and GamKar but it was in my bookmarks so it’s probably good!

http://splickedylit.tumblr.com/post/90505217108/holes-in-me-like-diamonds humanstuck GamKar where Karkat isn’t sure what he needs except “Gamzee” and that’s about it

http://palegamkarmonth.tumblr.com/ I’ve read about half the stuff on here but it’s all pretty solid so go flit about and enjoy :3

http://archiveofourown.org/works/393728 Petstuck! Roxy gets Gamzee as a pet but he has ISSUES but he’s safe now and Roxy loves him

http://archiveofourown.org/works/385258 gamkar pale pron, good shit mofos

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4410776 Shit gets gay on a farm

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1807909/chapters/3879184 Humanstuck Caliborn is a nasty fuck to Gamzee but Gamzee has a loving family and a qp boyfriend to help him and love on him and it’s good go read it

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4536558 GamTav phone sex, quite possibly the best phone sex I’ve ever read (though I don’t read a whole lot of it so what’s even the standard there)

http://anotherjadedwriter.tumblr.com/post/132972955694/miraculous-motherfucker-you-are Gamquius fucking!! I like this pairing a lot!!

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3329768 GamKar, a study on the value and merits of the physical aspects of moirallegiance, very good

http://archiveofourown.org/works/965848 Gamzee’s dad is a piece of shit but Karkat will look out for him even if he’s gonna be grumpy about it the entire time.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/884981 I have no memory of this fic but it’s in my bookmarks and it’s GamKar sooooo

http://archiveofourown.org/works/541914 Gamzee is a grub and Dave just sorta… like… adopts him…

http://archiveofourown.org/works/611619 GamDave blackrom healthy fucking, Dave’s a masochist, it’s fairly short and definitely pwp

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7301005/chapters/16582357 Petstuck, Gamzee is a pet and Karkat is a troll and Gamzee adopts Karkat and that’s all that’s going to be said on the matter :3

http://archiveofourown.org/works/244919 Polyamory JadeGamTav, cute and short and sweet

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1881261 Polyamory RoxyGamTav, they’ve made a game out of catching each other masturbating but Tavros hasn’t gotten caught- until now :3

http://archiveofourown.org/works/8445505/chapters/19348753 I haven’t actually finished this one yet, whoops, but I remember liking it!

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7026460 Gamzee goes pitch w Dave, pale w Karkat, and the two of them are still dating flush. Fun ring around the quadrants shenanigans

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7858351 GamKar, merman Gamzee

http://archiveofourown.org/works/2176239 Gamquius, Equius is a human who believes he should’ve been born a troll, Gamzee is a (positive!!!!) sex worker who makes miracles happen

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4120830 NIGHTMARE FIC I fucking love nightmare fics anyway GamKar and DaveKat and Karkat is Troubled

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3721477 GamKar First time

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7672276 PALE GAMROXY :D

http://archiveofourown.org/works/7899418 a JohnGam I requested because I’m always a slut for JohnGam

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6299341 I need to reread this one and leave a detailed and thoughtful comment. GamKar pale porn

http://archiveofourown.org/works/6202828/chapters/14209507 A v v v good Gamzee gets tortured but rescued GamKar fic :D

http://archiveofourown.org/works/3597702 GamDam, the two trolls that deserve happiness the most. I mean the ending fucking ruined me really badly so maybe this shouldn’t be on the list but it’s like, good tho

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1871859/chapters/4031043 WARBOUND WIDOW!!!!! THIS ONE IS SO GOOD!!!!! SO GOOD!!!!! IT’S GAMJANE!!!!! R E A D I T

http://archiveofourown.org/works/286786 There’s a sea storm so Gamzee and Tavros have to stay at Karkat’s place. Gamzee gets all the boyfriends, all of them

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1824409 Another GamKar, Gamzee has to talk Karkat though a bad breakup

http://archiveofourown.org/works/294300 a cute GamTav

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4685852 GamDirk! It has a v pretty illustration

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1105510 another GamDirk

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5162840/chapters/11890364 Doesn’t feature a lot of Gamzee and it’s still in the making, but it’s written by one of my fave authors and the DaveKat is good and pure

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1329514/chapters/2768236 Cradle of the Moon! Long, still being written, lots and lots of sadgam at the start, but definitely a worthwhile read!

http://archiveofourown.org/works/917935/chapters/1781689 EVERYBODY GETS ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!!!!! It’s good I like it. The only real problem I have w it is that Gamzee is somehow possessed by Caliborn in a non-Game AU but aside from that it’s PRETTY MUCH FLAWLESS. An everybody fic, not just Gamzee

http://archiveofourown.org/works/5281676/chapters/12190886 a Band AU where Tavros, Equius, and Karkat are in a band and Gamzee is a groupie that somehow ends up dating the main singer, Tavros. V good, written by someone v special to me ;)

http://archiveofourown.org/works/547169/chapters/974201 Okay this one is weird as fuck and I really don’t have any excuse for my interests

http://archiveofourown.org/works/1912092 Karkat gets scared and lashes out at Gamzee but they’re pale so he calms him down

http://archiveofourown.org/works/723960 Sollux is a naga and Gamzee is an incubus and they fuck

http://archiveofourown.org/works/306663 Gamquius fuckinnnnn

http://archiveofourown.org/works/187715 More Gamquius fuckin

http://archiveofourown.org/works/762414 GamTav, I haven’t read it in AGES but I do remember liking it

And that completes my list of things abt Gamzee that I am willing to share with the world! I hope you find something you like!!

#Gamzee Makara #GamKar #GamTav #GamDirk #GamRoxy #Gamzee #me #Haro #Rec #Rec list #fic rec #fic rec list #recommendations #Haro Answers

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