#first world problems i know. ill have a guilt spiral about bitching about this while i try to sleep tonight dont you worry about that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

jupiterm00n · 7 years

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September 23, 2017 1:57am

I decided to withdraw from school to go to detox and rehab then hospital. Then maybe to an outpatient program? I don't want to do an outpatient program though because honestly, every time I look at my body I just freak out. And I know when I go awAy they'll make me eat which I've been debating for over a year. Honestly that's one of the only reasons why I haven't gone. They make you eat. They weigh you every day and the last time I was in hospital they made me drink ensure throughout the day. Thankfully I had Mandy, who taught me that straws make it easier to drink, and that if I feel like I'm gonna throw up, she showed me the plants I could pour the rest of the ensure In. Last time I went to hospital I gained like 8 lbs because they took away my diet pills and laxatives, and I couldn't puke anymore, they watched me eat. I had to. I can't look at my body. It's disgusting and hideous and damaged. Dysfunctional. It's gotten worse. It's not just sad or panic anymore, it's like whenever I see pictures of myself that others have taken or if I look in the mirror too long I start to dissociate. And people use dissociating as such a causal term which pisses me off so much. It's not just zoning out. It's where you're no longer connected to reality. I can't even look in the mirror long enough to do makeup. I have to take breaks. If I stare at myself too long I start to see stars. And everything blurs and it's like I'm sitting in a crowded room of people but I'm not in my body. I've had so many out of body experiences recently. Where I'm literally not in my body because I get so anxious about just stupid shit like how big my thighs are. And whenever I feel my arms touch my ribs I want to scream and rip out all my hair. I know there are more important problems. And I want to get better, but I want to be 75lbs so badly. It's the most fucked up thing. I'm prepared to go to detox, get clean and go through alcohol withdrawals. I've lost so many friends. I'm so out of control. And the one way I feel power is through this. The week before I decided to drop out I had one of the best nights I had in a while. I saw one of my favorite bands, Andrew Jackson jihad, and I hadn't eaten for probably 3 days and I felt so powerful and in control. I could see how hollow I looked. I lost 5 lbs in 4 days. And I felt like I could do it again, be thin again. I had a lot of fun that night. And I went out to eat that night and had something to eat and had a tiny bit to eat and immediately felt so full. I felt so good. I felt so good all that night. I mean I was happy from the concert and good company anyway, but the feeling of not eating at all and going to bed, knowing that in a few hours when you step on the scale, the number will have dropped so much. That week I felt so much power and confidence. I went to a movie with friends the next night and I looked at myself in the mirror. I was weak and I could hardly get out of my friends bed. But Before I left I went to splash water on my face and run water over my wrists since I was having heart palpitations. Something I haven't had since I was like 84 80 ish lbs... but I looked at myself for the first time for a while. I looked completely hollow. The bags under my eyes were protruding like watercolor clouds. My bones were sticking out and my skin was dull and pale. I looked like a corpse. A walking corpse. But when I smiled my teeth were even whiter and my cheekbones looked higher. Looking down at my stomach I noticed there wasn't any bulbous flesh that left lumps under my sweater. And it's scary. Wanting to be completely diminished. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. And I don't know why I want this. And why whenever I'm upset about something I self punish by binging, eating massive amounts of food. Then I get more upset about that and then spiral I've been spiraling for so long. Binging. Starving. Fuck. I've also been told that I'm a manipulative bitch, people think I'm manipulative. I was really happy I was making friends with people and really happy I could still be friends with my ex's friends but, apparently a ton of people, most of them, think I'm toxic, they think I'm manipulative. They don't trust me. They think I'm a monster. And I know I'm a destructive bitch but not in the ways they think. Mental illness appears a lot in the early 20's and he knows that and he's told me that and I know that and I know it's not all my fault. But it's my fault for oversharing. For trusting these people. For telling them I have borderline personality disorder and anorexia nervosa. And they googled bpd. And I know what comes up when you look up that. You get articles about how you should never date someone with bpd, or how people with bpd are manipulative monsters, or you'll just get the whole fucking screenplay of fatal attraction, or who's afraid of Virginia Wolfe. There's nothing else. I can't convince them I'm sane. My friends, have seen me when I thought they were asleep. They've seen me break down fucking sobbing, ripping my hair out. How the fuck can they ever see me as I want them to see me. I want them to see me as normal. They can think I'm fucked up. But having depression is one thing. Having a personality disorder that's constantly labeled as "the devils illness" is a whole other thing. And idk how to deal with it. I want it to go away. I wish it could leave. I wish I could be happy more than anything. I wish I could eat and not feel guilt. But I also wish I was 70lbs. I wish people could understand that personality disorders are hard, but that I'm not a psycho bitch. That I have a ton of empathy. That I'm always there for anyone who needs help. That my manipulation doesn't come from evil or psychopathy, but from the fAct that I can't ask for anything. I haven't been able to ask for anything because I was always punished for it, and because I'm so scared of abandonment, I don't want to lose anyone I'll do anything and I'll try to make them stay. I'm so fucked up I wish I was dead I want to be dead but I see too much beauty in people and the world and I want to help. That sounds so fucking dumb and selfish and godlike. Honestly, I want to die so badly. But I cant keep just doing that. I can't keep trying to die. It never works, and in the end I just end up more upset that my 13th attempt failed yet again. I don't want to die I'm equally scared of death as I am of living. I don't know what death is like and I never will fully. But being close to it sucks. And I'm going through so much shit that I know that if someone tries to save me that another failed attempt won't be worth it. Plus. I've had days where there are small things that make me ant to cry because of their beauty. The stars I looked at the other night made me feel so small and so insignificant and less alone, the sunlight through a windowsill, a moth dancing along a light, my best friend giving me a hug, knowing all the shit all the garbage he's been through I wish I could take it all away, wishing I could be what he wants me to be my best friend hugging me telling me he loves me. Those things make death seem like the more scary option I think

#tw #i'm drunk #ed #tw:ed #tw: weight mention

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karmanator · 7 years

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13 reasons why – it’s trash

13 minutes in and I’m ready to watch something else. Now before everyone gets all in a huff, here are a few things you should know. When I first saw anything about this show, I was trying to watch something else when the preview played. I watched a few seconds and felt like it was something like the ghost whisperer, but with a guy as the main protagonist and just one ghost. After seeing it a couple of times, I felt maybe it was like the movie The Invisible (2007), which I very much enjoyed. Then I started seeing friends mention it on social media; so I finally decided to actually read the synopsis. It caught my attention. It helped that I skimmed over a few reviews about it. As someone who has depression, I felt a show that was said to properly go over it and suicide may be worth a try. I went in with a positive vibe and oblivious that it’s a book and who directed the show. I watched all the episodes and tried to be objective the entire time. So without further ado, here is why I believe this show is trash.

Spoilers - of course

I’ll start off with what’s wrong with the main characters and story plot, but first here’s something on a positive note; they did a great job portraying how insensitive and self-involved today’s youth is with the stupid hashtag #NeverForget while taking selfies in front of someone’s memorial. It’s in the same poor taste as taking a selfie at an open casket funeral. Now, Hannah, could they have made the main character any less likable? There’s probably a better word, but this gets my point across faster. She’s a Bitch. Her character tropes are a victim’s mentality, bullying, and selfishness. In the first episode, she claims the reason she made the tapes was so that no one will take her for granted and so they will suffer, because she killed herself. To say that a group of people are responsible for a choice you made is extremely selfish and falls into that whole victim’s mentality I was talking about. With those tapes, you can see she accomplished exactly what she wanted. These kids were spiraling out of control; even the one person she felt was a good guy. Some of them almost committed suicide themselves. It’s an awful thing to do. Pass the suffering to someone else. With that mentality, you might as well contract an STD and pass it along too. If I’m suffering, so should everyone else I believe has ever wronged me. There is a huge list of things wrong with the type of person Hannah is, like sexist remarks she makes, but that’s not what this review is about.

There are only two people I feel hold some sort of responsibly (but not really) for her suicide, Bryce and Mr. Porter. Seems like with everyone else, it was something she could have confronted them about and a lot of things could have been resolved. If not, well at least she would have actually tried to do something about it and not just jump to conclusions. Also, reporting the sexual harassment she was going through would have helped quite a bit. Even if the school didn’t do anything about it, her parents were EXTREMELY supportive and would have helped her. I said extremely in all caps, because normal lettering wouldn’t emphasize that enough. I honestly don’t see how she felt they weren’t there for her. Anyways, this girl witnessed someone she once called a best friend getting raped and did absolutely nothing about it. She then gets raped by the same guy and still decides to do nothing about it. When she finally does, she half asses it and expects Mr. Porter to pry it from her. I do feel he should have noticed something was extremely wrong and reported it for her. If he had placed her on suicide watch, told her parents, and the school administration, she probably wouldn’t have killed herself. However, as her dad said in episode 10, even if some things were different such as school or someone being aware that she felt suicidal, it may not have changed the fact that she would kill herself. She wants everyone around her to immediately know what’s wrong and come to her rescue. When they don’t, because often people have a lot going on in their own life, she immediately blames them for her suffering. This is why I don’t think anyone is responsible for her suicide. Bryce and Mr. Porter had a huge impact, but in the end she made the choice to not fight. People, if you don’t speak up you can’t expect anyone to know what you’re going through. You have to DO and SAY something in order for anything to change for the better.

Clay, another character you should like, but is honestly annoying. Yes, he’s sweet and cared a lot about Hannah, even though she would constantly belittle him. He obviously has his own set of problems. Taking on the blame for Hannah’s death, then trying to blindly take revenge on everyone who was mentioned on the tapes is where he loses me. Luckily, Zach’s character shows how someone with a victim’s mentality can see the world. Yes taking her notes “secretly” given to her by Clay (she’s seen him drawing and even calls him Picasso) was a bit childish, but how was he supposed to know how much it was really hurting her? The note she made for him was a good choice on her part and a step in the right direction. It’s just a shame she “saw” him throw it away. This shows how heavily they’re relying on the stereotype that people with depression always feel like the victim. Poor representation is my main reason for disliking this show. Now back to Clay. The only thing he did that was smart was getting Bryce’s confession. Not turning in the tapes to Hannah’s parents or the police was a mistake, which Tony fixed. Taking a nude photo of Tyler and spreading it was also a bad choice. At first you have the impulse to support him on the decision, but is it really a solution? Bully a bully and the cycle just continues. It doesn’t make you any better than them and doesn’t help anyone. Everyone else who listened to the tapes before Clay, at that point are now all guilty of the crime. They had knowledge of a rape and did nothing about it. Then they just casually threw in murder as a solution to hide a rape. I had to stop myself there and remember that these are all high school students. They’re supposed to be super dumb and irresponsible, make stupid group decisions to not say anything out of their own guilt. That’s sarcasm, in case you missed it. Even though they hold zero responsibility for her death, they feel it would ruin them. In a sense it would, but there isn’t really anything that can legally be done to most of them, such as Zach, Ryan, Jessica, or Courtney. That is, before they listened to the tapes and did nothing about it, then lied when asked about certain events.

This show was very slow to watch. It dragged on with some details I feel weren’t necessary. It made a terrible portrayal of someone who is Latinx/Hispanic and lives in “the ghetto”. It has your stereotypical high school jocks and popular group. Stereotypical is the entire show. It feels like they were trying too hard to be progressive and hip to the point that it felt unnatural and extremely forced. My biggest issue: it DOES NOT properly portray what a person with depression goes through on a day to day basis. It’s an insult to portray those who’ve attempted/thought about suicide and to those who have an everyday battle with depression as someone who is selfish and vindictive as Hannah. Of course I have to remember that seems to be what this show is about, stereotypes and over the top characters.

This show throws the wrong message out there. Think about it. There are tons of kids (under 18) who are going to or have watched this show. I want to say 70% of them are going through depression. Why do I think they have some form of depression? To put it simply, there’s something about being represented that makes people want to watch. However, here you have a show that is telling them, hey, it’s totally fine to kill yourself. Just make sure that after you die, others will definitely suffer for it. Make sure you go out with a bang so that no one can forget about you. Teach them a lesson. WHAT? Yes, that is exactly what this show says. You have a girl who had EXTREMELY supportive parents, lived a life that’s an upper middle class, and had plenty of people she could have talked to. Her parents got a new car so she could go to a stupid dance. It wasn’t even prom or anything. Which I still say is overrated. She had a pretty good life. If someone who had all of those advantages couldn’t keep it together, why should anyone who is worse off? Why should any of us try to stay alive anymore? Why should we seek help? Obviously, there is no other way out.

No. A thousand times NO! That should not be what kids or people in general take away from a show like this, but it is. I felt sick after watching it. It didn’t properly portray someone with a mental illness, it portrayed selfishness. It made it ok to kill yourself as long as there were repercussions for everyone that you felt wronged you. It made it seem that there was no other way to seek justice for being wronged in any way. It said it’s normal to convince your friends to murder someone in order to cover up another crime. It said its fine to fall into substance abuse if you live in a bad household or put yourself in a harmful situation as long as you get the truth out. It made an eye for an eye ok. The actors are saying that people like me -who are calling the show out - say that it romanticizes suicide because we don’t want to talk about or see it… let that set in. They didn’t deny that it romanticizes suicide, they just said it’s being talked about in a negative manner to avoid the topic of suicide. That is not what I’m talking about. That’s not what a lot of people are talking about. It’s the fact that they are indeed romanticizing the act of suicide as a way to get back at those who “wronged” you. They made suicide into a form of revenge. I didn’t see that coming, what a great plot twist.

The scene in question that a lot of people are having trouble with is her suicide. I honestly don’t have a problem with it, other than it seems over the top. People are saying it triggers others into wanting to commit suicide. I don’t think it’s the act itself. I believe it all comes down to the reason she did it, revenge. Who doesn’t want to get back at those who made you feel like crap? What a better way to get payback; make them feel as though they murdered me. After all that’s what happened, if they hadn’t been so mean and ignored me when I needed help. Again, that’s sarcasm. For those who will say “a show can’t make you kill yourself”, your right. Nothing can make you kill yourself. It’s your decision, but things can definitely influence a person towards that decision. Which is why it’s irresponsible and selfish to put all the blame of your suicide onto someone else; basically, saying they murdered you. Hannah is saying that from the very beginning. She is blaming all these people for her decision and practically calling them her murderers. Unless they actively told her to kill herself and their main goal was to cut her down until she actually did it, then it’s no one’s fault but her own.

Now I hear that it got a green light for a second season…wow. So a show that only made me cry for the parents, because I could care less about the main protagonist, is getting a second season? I have a strong feeling it’s because they want to see if there was another suicide or if it was murder. All of this wouldn’t be so bad if they hadn’t tried to sell the show as realistic and proper portrayal of depression, mental illness, and suicide. If they had sold it as a drama and just that, it wouldn’t have been as bad. After all, that’s what it is, a teen drama. Not a ground breaking show. I found out Selena Gomez directed it after finishing the series and suddenly it made sense. That was the reason so many people were flocking to watch this awful show. All of her fans ignorantly liking and supporting it in order to support her. That’s just the cherry on top of this shit Sunday. Seems that’s all it takes these days. Put a popular celebrity name into something “controversial” and suddenly it’s getting tons of positive attention.

If you want to watch a show that properly and realistically shows depression, mental illness, suicide, sexual orientation, body issues, abortion, and tons of other things “controversial” watch My Mad fat diary. If you google it, for some stupid reason, it’s under a comedy. It has some funny moments, but I wouldn’t call it a comedy. Its synopsis says “a teenager struggles with body issues and a desire to have sex”. Yes that is in part of what the show is about, but it’s so much more. My mad fat diary ended in 2015, two years ahead of 13 reasons why, yet not too many people know about it. This is a perfect example as to how having a celebrity name can push an undeserving show forward. The only celebrity Americans will know about in this show is Ian Hart aka Prof. Quirrel from Harry Potter. Unfortunately, he wasn’t enough to get the attention this show deserved. I think the fact that it’s a British show also has something to do with it. My Mad fat diary deserves to be on top of the list for addressing issues like these. The ending actually makes sense and gives a positive and realistic message, unlike the joke of a show 13 reasons why.

With all that being said, please don’t be afraid to look for help. Suicide isn’t the answer. Don’t give up hope and keep fighting. Here is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

1-800-273-8255

There is also an online chat option, if you feel you can’t get the words out. I know it can be way easier to just type.

It does take a little while before you get an answer sometimes. Just take it as you’re not alone, someone else out there also needs help, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

http://chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx

#rant #review

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