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#feels better to make a bunch of tags than to talk in a post. am i weird 🤨

landograndprix · 5 months

Text

「Feel the magic ๛ l.n」

part xii

✧.* triple header, triple podiums, and triple the love.

✧.* quick little filler before it kicks off. Foreshadowing? Maybe. More insight in the y/nlando household? Yes 🥰 getting to know girlie even better? Yes ❤️this is a psa for the people who wanted to be on my taglist but never got tagged, i didn't forget or ignore you, I simply am unable to tag you and therefore removed you from the list feel free to ask me again so I can take a look at it. Taglist is open Love ya ❤️

✧.* prev part - next part

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mclaren

liked by yourmumsuser, maxfewtrell and 253,678 others

mclaren front row locked in once again!

#imolagp

tagged: landonorris, y/nusername

view all 472 comments

mcpapaya this team!!!! 🧡

johnson87 them sharing the sheets really works out for us fans huh

bott_ass you're so real for this

norry4 that's my team y'all 😭

sharllekler girlie really said I'm in a good mood, let me give my man a tow and then proceeded to take his pole away 😭

norrizz gotta keep him on his toes :')

marcusklein she's gonna make it up to him tonight

lanlan 🕯 lando p1 🕯

maxfewtrell absolutely mental!

teampapaya HAPPY MCLAREN WEEK 🧡🧡

y/nloveee can't wait to see my girl pull a max verstappen and win her 4th wdc halfway the season 🥰

ohnomeshoes no joke, bagging y/n might just be the best thing to happen to lando, man's is killing it on all fields!!

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y/nusername

liked by cecilemoulin, riabish and 672,652 others

y/nusername fam fam ❤️

tagged: landonorris

view all 1,231 comments

hamilt44n once in a while y/n posts one of these fam fam posts and every time there's a new addition 😭

norrizz a new cat, dog and boyfriend 😂

yukisan I wanna live with you guys, pls, I know I'd be spoiled rotten

y/ngirlie bestie you're such a mom

alex_albon you're going to end up with more pets than us..

norry4 lando being accepted as a part of the family, my boy promoted to dad and step dad 🥺

cecilemoulin something tells me lando did not know about the goodest little doggie 😍

y/nusername unplanned parenthood

y/nlandooo girl stop, what's next, a goat? 😂

bobnorriz she already got a goat back at her parents house, two horses and one fucking duck 💀

y/nusername they didn't fit in my place here in Monaco unfortunately :(

bobnorriz girl get a farm 😅

carlandooo wait so you really adopted a cat back in Spain lmao

landonorris I'll find a cow in the living room next week

y/nusername don't give me ideas

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y/nusername posted to their story

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y/nusername

liked by landonorris, pierregasly and 789,672 others

y/nusername España, un hogar lejos de casa ☀

tagged: landonorris, maxfewtrell, cecilemoulin

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mrsnorris 'home far away from home' and for what reason? Oh that's right..Carlos..🥴

chilisainz okay bestie, let's put you to bed..okay? You're talking shit again.

norrizz honestly, it's been a while since we last saw you..how have you been my love? Enjoying every single piece of y/nlando content we've had so far? 🥰

yukisan okaaay but that food looks amazing 😭

teamnotrell bunch of cuties enjoying their few days off :)

landonorris can't believe max got a girlfriend

maxfewtrell okay mate..

cecilemoulin I'm getting paid for this

maxfewtrell you're always bullying me and for what?

y/nusername I've got your back babes ❤️

maxfewtrell thank you ❤️

charles16 lando, y/n and Cecile podium this week? 👀

norry4 I love this little group of gremlins <3

landonorris love you muppet ❤️

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Feel the magic taglist: @celesteblack08 @mrsmaybank13 @cha-hot @judesgfirl @roseseraj @kissesandmartinis @jpg3 @amulhermaisfelizdomundo @marialovesf1 @silkenthusiasts @luvrrish @laneyspaulding19 @emily-b @buckybarnessweetheart @strawberrychita @iifloweringnightsii @buendiabebeta @babyvinnie @mishaandthebrits @hockeyboysarehot @ironmaiden1313 @justdreamersdream @dreamsarebig @angelfreckless

Lando taglist: @beatricemiruna @simp-for-fictional-people @landossainz @christianpulisic10

Everything taglist; @thomaslefteyebrow @hopefulinlove @smoothopz @honethatty12 @cixrosie @parkersmjs @ireadthensuetheauthors @celestialams @be-your-coffee-pot @heli991113 @kodzuvk @reality-is-a-con @80sloverry @bibissparkles @myescapefromthislife @lanando4 @elliegrey2803 @ravisinghs-wife @harrysdimple05 @minkyungseokie

#lando norris x reader #lando norris x you #lando norris x y/n #lando norris #lando norris x oc #lando norris fanfic #lando norris au #lando norris smau #lando norris imagine #lando x reader

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joelsgreys · 1 year

Text

a safe haven | three

Post Outbreak! Joel Miller x Female Reader

series masterlist | previous chapter l next chapter

summary: You and Joel get to know each other better and the two of you share a private moment out behind the barn under the stars; an unexpected guest shows up to the party; Tommy gives Joel a second and final warning about you.

warnings/tags: 18+ ONLY, MINORS DNI. (TW) MENTIONS AND IMPLICATIONS OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE/ABUSE. PLEASE HEED THE WARNINGS. alcohol consumption, mutual pining and yearning, Joel sings to reader a bit (that is its own warning), soft Joel, overprotective Joel, and a slight hint of jealous Joel. Tommy seems like kind of an asshole but he’s just trying to look out for his brother, okay?

word count 6.6k

About an hour later, after tossing back about three or four bottles of Seth’s crappy beer, you’d started feeling a lot livelier and a lot more like yourself. It was a glass of his delicious, oak-barrel aged whiskey that you had wanted more than anything, but with Esther over at the bar openly flirting up a storm with Joel Miller, you pushed down the desire for scotch and settled for the bitter lager instead.

It tasted awful, but it did the job well enough. The best part was that the bottles of beer were all readily available in coolers all around the barn, and you didn’t need to go up to the bar to get one.

The last thing you’d wanted was to find out what was going on between Esther and Joel.

“And the next thing you know, poor John is being chased all around the chicken coop by a bunch of broody hens!” Martha finishes her story, throwing her hands up in the air. “God, I wish I would’ve had a camcorder in hand. It was the funniest thing I ever did see in almost two damn decades.”

Everyone sitting around the table bursts into a fit of loud, hearty laughter.

“Oh okay, so then that would probably explain why there weren’t many eggs in stock at the market the other morning,” you tease, only fueling the commotion.

John glares at you, and you shrug innocently, fighting back another laugh. Six foot two with big, broad shoulders and arms, you found it both very difficult and very amusing to picture the bulky blond man being chased around by a flock of pissed off chickens.

“I’d really like to see any of you guys try and take a broody hen’s eggs away from her with ease!” John huffs out before taking a gulp of his beer. He’s red in the face, and it’s hard to tell if it’s from the alcohol or the embarrassment. “Assholes.”

Martha leans over, whispering, “See? I told you it would make him mad.”

You giggle, lightly shaking your head at her. “Talk about ruffling some feathers, huh?”

She snorts into her plate of potatoes, jabbing her elbow into your side. “Let’s stop before he really gets all riled up, or else we’re going to get an earful.”

“Oh come on, John. Lighten up,” you grin over at him from across the table. “I know what’ll make you feel better. You guys want to hear a really, and I mean really embarrassing story?” You pause for a second or two, just long enough for everyone to nod eagerly. “Let me tell you about what Stella did to me the other day in her stall when I tried to take her temperature, it was absolutely awful. Okay, so there I am about to—”

“Sorry to interrupt you folks, but do you all mind if we steal this sweet little lady here for just a minute or two?” The sound of Tommy Miller’s smooth, deep voice causes you to stop abruptly mid-sentence. You glance over your shoulder only to see him approaching the table. He’s closely followed by Maria, who had traded her usual patrol duty attire for a light blue denim dress that sat off of her shoulders, the flowing skirt falling just above knees. Her white cowboy hat matches her husband’s.

“Aw c’mon, Miller! She was just about to tell us a story!” Peter, Martha’s husband, exclaims as he drapes his arm around his wife’s shoulders

Tommy chuckles, shaking his head. “I promise we won’t keep her too long, alright?”

You immediately notice that he’s holding a drink in each hand, each glass filled almost to the rim with a bold, rich amber liquor over ice. The only reason that you’d immediately known one of the two drinks was meant for you was because Maria had just discovered that she was pregnant. It was still a secret that very few people knew about, but the minute she confirmed it with a pregnancy test earlier that month, she’d come running to your door to tell you. It’s the reason she’s been avoiding booze all evening—she’s been sipping on lemonade all night instead.

“Excuse me,” you nod politely to the group of friends you’d been sitting with and stand up from the table. You follow Tommy and Maria over to a far corner of the barn where the three of you could talk somewhat privately. Accepting the glass from Tommy, you offer him a grateful smile, pleased that you’d gotten the drink you had wanted after all. “Thank you.”

“‘Course.” He nods and tips the brim of his cowboy hat to you in his typical, gentleman-like manner. He’d never lost an ounce of those Texas manners.

Maria loops her arm through his. “Well, it looks like tonight was a real success,” she states as she glances around the room, her pride written clearly across her face. “Wouldn’t you say so?”

“Absolutely,” you agree, enthusiastically. You smile again and lift your glass to the couple as you toast, “Another year and another success. Here’s to many, many more to come.”

“Cheers to that, little lady,” Tommy grins and lifts up his glass, clinking the rim of it to yours before taking a generous drink, nearly draining it in one single gulp. “Thanks for stoppin’ by earlier and helpin’ set the place up, by the way. We really appreciate it.”

You wave your free hand at him. “Oh, no need to thank me at all. You already know that I was more than happy to help out,” you tell him as you take a careful sip of whiskey. The hard liquor burns its way down your throat in the sweetest way. Taking another sip, you turn to look at Maria, unable to help yourself from admiring her gorgeous, natural glow. “How are you feeling?”

“Not too bad,” Maria replies with a smile, placing her free hand over her flat stomach. At only a few weeks along, she still had quite a long way to go before she began to show. “Just a little bit of morning sickness here and there, but so far, so good.” She pauses and leans her body into Tommy’s side. “I never thought I’d be having a baby in my forties,” she muses with a laugh. “I thought that train had left the station a long time ago. But I guess life had something else planned for me.”

“For us,” Tommy corrects, playfully nudging her.

“For us,” Maria echoes, giving him a loving kiss on his cheek. “Luke calls it a geriatric pregnancy. He told me I’m automatically considered high risk, due to my age and all. But we’re hoping it’ll go smoothly.”

You detect the genuine concern behind her optimistic smile and reach out, gently touching her arm. “I’m sure it will all turn out fine. You just have to make sure that you’re taking good care of yourself and getting plenty of rest.” You point a finger at her, wagging it back and forth. “So, that means no more patrol duties for you, Mrs. Miller.”

“Oh I know,” she laughs again. “I’m on light work duties starting next week and in a few months, it’ll be strict bed rest for me. At least, that’s what Luke recommended, but I’m hoping to stay on my feet for a little bit longer than that.” She tilts her head curiously to the side as she looks at you. “Speaking of Luke, is he around? We haven’t seen him at all tonight.”

Throat bobbing, you grip your glass tightly in your hand. The corners of your mouth threaten to turn downward, but you manage to hold your smile well enough.

At this point, you had pretty much lost track of the number times you’d been asked about Luke.

Where is he? Why isn’t he here with you? Do you think there’s a chance he’ll show up tonight? Can’t you go home and convince him to join us?

You just about loathed the way he was considered to be a hero in Jackson. The way that every single person in the community adored the man to pieces made you sick to your stomach—Luke was anything but a hero, but nobody knew that. Not a single soul knew the real him, the monster that emerged behind closed doors, the terrible things he did when no one was around.

There had been an occasion or two where you had considered going to Tommy and Maria about it, to tell them all about the horrors that went on within the walls of your home. But even when they’d point out a bruise on your arm or a scrape on your cheek, you would lose the courage and chalk it up to a clumsy accident or injuries sustained while on the job—hell, just a few months ago, you’d blamed an injured shoulder on Ranger, telling Tommy that his beloved stallion had accidentally kicked you during one of your routine examinations. You wanted nothing more than to tell him that it hadn’t been his horse who put you in a sling for three weeks, it had been Luke. But how the hell could you do that?

Luke is the commune’s physician. The commune’s only physician.

Besides the two older nurses who worked in the clinic along with him, he was the only medically trained professional who knew how to treat severe injuries, perform minor surgeries, and diagnose illnesses—as much as you hated to admit it, Jackson needed him. If you told Tommy and Maria about everything that he’d done to you over the last two years, then you’d risk getting Luke locked up in the town jail, or possibly even thrown out and exiled from the settlement. What would that mean for the people in the community who fell ill or became injured and needed a doctor?

Maybe he wasn’t a hero to you, but to everybody else, he was. People could die without him and his medical knowledge. Hell, Maria would need Luke now more than ever now that she was pregnant.

For as much as you wanted to tell them the truth about him, you just couldn’t find the guts to do it, not when the decision would impact every single person in Jackson.It would be too selfish.

So, you kept quiet and continued to let it happen because what else could you do?

Nothing.

There wasn’t a goddamn thing you could do about it.

Tommy says your name, snapping you back out of your thoughts. “Hey, you alright?” he asks you as he gingerly touches your shoulder. “You zoned out on us for a minute there.”

You blink. “Yeah sorry, I’m alright. Um, Luke decided to stay at home and get some rest,” you reply as you shift awkwardly from boot to boot, feeling a sudden heat flood your face. “He’s been working a lot of hours at the clinic and making house calls as well, so he’s just been really tired, you know?”

“Oh, well that’s too bad,” Maria frowns. “Tommy and I were hoping we could say this to the both of you together, but I suppose you’ll have to give him the message on our behalf when you get home to him later tonight.”

You shoot her a puzzled look. “What is it?”

“We know we don’t say this as often as we should, but you and Luke do so much for us. So much for Jackson,” Tommy says, sincere gratitude dripping from his tone. “We’re damn lucky to have the two of you here. Me and Maria, and everyone in this community, we’re all deeply indebted to both of you for all you do.”

You stare at him. “Everyone here works very hard, Tommy—”

“Now, I ain’t saying they don’t,” he interrupts you by holding up his hand. “But let’s be honest here. Luke, he takes good care of all of our people, you take good care of all of our horses—people and horses, that’s what keeps this place runnin’ like a well oiled machine and you know it just as well as we do. Without the both of you lookin’ after our two most important resources, I ain’t all too sure where the hell this place would be.”

Maria nods in agreement with her husband and squeezes his arm. “Oh, don’t be so modest,” she remarks upon seeing the bewildered expression on your face. “He’s right. And we need you to know how much we appreciate everything the two of you do for this community.”

Tommy grins, raising his glass in a toast. “To you and Luke.”

Stomach churning, you flash them your very best smile and lift your own glass, clinking it against his and then to Maria’s bottle of lemonade. “Well, I will certainly give him the kind message when I get home tonight. Thank you.” You take a quick sip of your drink, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. The room feels hot, like it had been lit on fire and you were standing too close to the flames. “It’s starting to feel a bit warm in here. I’m going to go outside for a minute to get some fresh air. Excuse me.”

Before either of them can utter another word, you spin around on your heel and hastily make your way across the barn towards the exit, being careful not to bump into the dancing couples on the dance floor along the way. Even as you hurried out, you’d caught sight of Ellie sitting with Dina at one of the tables, digging into her plate full of barbecue. Dina had leaned over and whispered something into Ellie’s ear and Ellie let out a loud, obnoxious cackle through a mouthful of food.

Despite the circumstances, you can’t help but smile—an actual, genuine smile this time around.

At least Ellie seemed to be having a good time.

That’s more than enough for you.

Joel glimpses over Esther’s shoulder.

His eyebrows pull together in a mixture of confusion and concern as he watches you practically run out of the barn alone with a drink clutched in your hand and a strange expression on your face—you appear to be upset over something.

The blonde in front of him had been going on and on about where she was from, although he hadn’t quite been listening to her the entire time she had been talking—or at all.

Had Esther said Vermont? Or maybe it had been Virginia?

Joel wasn’t all too sure, but he didn’t care enough to ask her to clarify. Besides, his thoughts were far too busy preoccupied with someone else. Someone he needed to make sure was alright.

“Listen Esther, s’been real nice talkin’ to you,” he states as he offers the woman the most polite smile he can possibly muster up for her. He tries to ignore the awkward way she’d pouted her lips at him, a sad, disappointed look flashing in her eyes. “But I’ve gotta go and take care of somethin’ for a minute. Will you excuse me?”

He doesn’t even give Esther the chance to respond. Setting his drink down on the counter, he gives her a quick nod goodbye and steps around her. He starts towards the barn’s exit, but before leaving, he tosses a quick glance in Ellie’s direction just to make sure she’s still doing okay without him. He had been keeping a close and watchful eye on her from the bar the entire time. After a while, it soon became apparent to Joel that Ellie had been doing just fine. She’s scarfing down another heaping helping of bison and potatoes, grinning from ear to ear as she talks with Dina, who seems to be enjoying her company despite her poor table manners.

Joel steps outside into the night and he takes a look around, searching for you among the small, scattered groups of people who stood mingling with one another. Gossiping women, drunk and rowdy patrolmen, children running around—he jumps slightly as a giggling little redheaded girl who can’t be older than five circles around his legs with a curly haired boy who is about the same age chasing after her. He lightly shoos them away from him and they take off running in another direction.

He scans his surroundings once more.

You’re nowhere to be found.

Humming, Joel glances down.

He notices a long trail of footprints left behind by what had to be a pair of cowboy boots, similar to the ones you’d been wearing. The strange way in which they veered off in a random direction away from the rest of the crowd tips him off almost a bit too easily—he knows they belong to you. Without giving it a second thought, he starts to follow your tracks and they lead him all the way around to the back of the barn.

That’s where Joel finds you, leaning against the wooden paddock fence. You’re back is to him, your head tilted upwards. Your gaze seems to be lost somewhere up in the velvet, purple night sky and you’re swaying along to the pretty country melody that, even outside, can still be heard coming from inside the barn.

Turn around, a sound voice in the back of his mind tries to reason with him. Go go back inside.

He ignores it, his legs moving forward, eager to close the distance between the two of you.

The sound of his heavy boots crunching on the rocks in the dirt as he draws closer to you causes you to jump. Whirling around, you gasp and your free hand flies to your chest.

“M’sorry,” Joel quickly apologizes, holding up both his hands to show you he’s not a threat. “Didn’t mean to startle you.”

“Joel?” You’re surprised to see him. “What are you doing out here?”

The area out behind the barn is just as dark as it is secluded, however, the moon is full, big, and bright, its silvery glow illuminating each and every single one of your features in such a beautiful way that it makes his throat go dry, just like it had earlier that evening when he’d first seen you in that dress.

“Well ain’t that funny. I was actually just ‘bout to ask you the same exact question, darlin’.” He falls into step beside you, leaning back against the fence. “What are you doin’ out here all by your lonesome?”

“Oh, I just needed some fresh air, that’s all,” you reply with a small, light shrug of your shoulders. You turn back around, leaning your forearms on top of the wooden fence, both hands wrapped firmly around your glass of whiskey. You’re standing so close to Joel that your shoulder touches his, though neither of you make a move to put space in between your bodies. “What’s your excuse?”

“Needed a breather from Esther,” he confesses.

It was partially the truth.

He couldn’t tell you he’d really come outside to check on you.

“What do you mean? Didn’t you like her?”

“Don’t get me wrong, she’s nice and all,” Joel says, letting out a chuckle. He shakes his head. “She just ain’t the kind of company I’m lookin’ for tonight, y’know?” He pauses for just a brief second and crosses his arms over his chest, his sudden change in position causing his shoulder to press even closer against your own. “Tommy mentioned her to me when we were havin’ lunch together yesterday. Said he’d be willin’ to set us up, but I didn’t think his dumbass would actually follow through with it.”

Confused, you shoot him a strange look.

“I’d told him I wasn’t interested in meetin’ her, but Tommy’s always had a real habit of not listenin’ to me,” he remarks, shaking his head once again.

The question falls from your lips before you can even think about trying to stop it. “Why aren’t you interested in her?” you blurt. Awkwardly, you clear your throat and add in a nonchalant tone, “Esther’s gorgeous, Joel. Most guys around here would jump at the chance to be with her.”

“S’like I told you. She just ain’t the kind of company I’m lookin’ for tonight.”

“So then, what kind of company are you looking for?”

Joel hesitates, then answers honestly. “Yours.”

“Oh,” you breathe out, your heart skipping a nervous beat.

He tests the waters. “That alright to say?”

“Mhm,” is all you’re able to utter.

Fighting to take a steady, even breath, you clutch at your glass even harder.

“Y’know, when I was on my way out here, I saw Ellie and Dina still sittin’ together,” Joel finally says after a minute or two, breaking the silence. “She honestly seems to be havin’ a real good time with her.” He nudges your shoulder with his own, a hint of amusement in his voice as he turns to you and asks, “Now tell me why I’ve got this strange little feelin’ that you had somethin’ to do with that?”

Your immediate expression of guilt prompts his grin.

You’d been caught red handed.

“Okay, so I may or may not have talked to Dina earlier today while we were setting up the barn for the party. I asked if she could do me a favor and at least try and talk to Ellie tonight,” you admit, sheepishly. “I told her about how much Ellie reminds me of her, and how I thought they would get along.” You feel his dark eyes fix themselves intently on you and the heat creeps to your cheeks as you continue to explain yourself to him. It’s only just now occurred to you that perhaps you should have ran the idea by Joel—he’s her guardian and the last thing you want to do is cross his boundaries. “It took a little convincing, but she agreed. Dina can still be quite shy sometimes, but she’s a really good girl, Joel. I promise.”

Joel raises an eyebrow at you, letting his arms fall down to his sides. “Really? You did that?”

“Yeah. I did.” Anxiously, you take a long sip of liquor before adding, “I hope that’s okay.”

“‘Course it is, darlin’. I really appreciate you doin’ that for Ellie.” Joel’s gaze softens and meets yours with genuine sincerity. “I appreciate everythin’ that you’ve done for her. It means a lot to me. More than I can probably even explain.”

“I can tell how important she is to you.”

Joel nods. “Ellie’s the most important thing in the world to me.” He stops, exhaling a long, heavy sigh. “She’s been through a whole lot—a hell of a lot more than anyone her age should have to go through.” Once again, he pauses momentarily, trying to keep his emotions in check. He swallows harshly and subconsciously leans closer towards you without realizing it. “Ellie, she ain’t my blood, but she’s my daughter. For a long time, I thought I couldn’t take care of her. I thought that I didn’t have what it takes to protect her.”

“And what about now?”

“Now that we’re here, I feel real different ‘bout it all. I finally feel like I can keep Ellie safe, y’know? Give her the life she deserves,” Joel states, sounding a bit relieved, almost like he’s only just now made the realization that things are different now—it’s not like it was while they’d been out on the road. Each day isn’t a fight for survival, a game of trying to stay alive long enough just to see the next. Sleeping in the dirt, watching her go hungry, seeing her have to wear the same dirty clothes for weeks at a time, those were all now things of the past.

Pulling yourself back from the fence, you glance up at him with a curious expression.

“Ellie hasn’t told me all that much about what she’s gone through—about what either of you have gone through.” You catch sight of the worry that flashes in his eyes and reassure him, “And I don’t plan on asking because it isn’t any of my business. But in the short time I’ve gotten to know Ellie, I’ve already seen it in her eyes, Joel. It’s all there.”

“What’s there?”

“Every bad thing that’s ever happened to her.”

Joel hangs his head. “Jesus.”

And just like that, he somehow feels like a fucking failure all over again.

“I know that you’re worried about her, Joel. I don’t blame you, but you’re doing all that you can do,” you remind him, the kindness in your voice bringing him the warmth and comfort he’s been needing for far too long. “You’re here in the community now and she’s safe. That’s what matters—all the rest is going to fall right into place soon enough. Just give her a bit of time and don’t put so much pressure on yourself.”

Joel sighs. “I just want what’s best for her, y’know? Just like any normal parent would want for their kid.”

“And you are doing the best that you can, just like any normal parent would.” You reach out, gently placing your hand on his bare forearm, your thumb brushing his warm skin. Your mere touch sends a tingle up his spine, and he can’t help but wonder if the connection had done the same for you. “It’s easy to see how much you care about her. How much you love her.”

“I do love her,” he murmurs. It feels odd, almost foreign for him to say it out loud. Of course he loves Ellie, and although he’s fairly certain she knew that and she loved him too, those three specific words had never been exchanged between them, and he had a hunch they never would be. “All I want is to do right by her. After everythin’ she’s been through—I just want her to finally be happy.”

“That says a lot about the kind of man you are.”

Biting back a scoff, Joel shakes his head. He doesn’t want you thinking he’s a good person—you’d be horrified if you knew about all the blood that stained his hands, about all of the things he’d done in the last two decades to survive. He’d stolen, he’d destroyed, he’d murdered. He’d lied.

He was not a good man.

Your hand drops away from his arm, a lot sooner than either of you would have liked.

“So, what’s your story?” he asks, deciding to switch the focus of the conversation onto you. “How’d you end up in good ol’ Jackson, Wyoming?”

“You take another sip of your drink, which is now completely watered down by the melted ice in your glass. “Well, like I told you, I grew up in New Mexico on a horse ranch. It was me, my parents, and my little brother,” you start to explain. “After the outbreak happened, me and my family ended up in the Albuquerque QZ. We were there for quite some time, until there was a breach at one of the gates and the zone was overrun with infected.” You pause briefly as the memories of that night come flooding back. By now, you’ve repressed them enough that they don’t bring you to your knees the way they used to when you had been younger. “Me and my dad made it out alive, but my mom and my brother didn’t.”

Joel frowns. “Shit. M’real sorry, darlin’. I shouldn’t have asked—”

“It’s okay,” you assure him with a tiny nod. “After me and my dad made it out of the zone, we found this group of people who were heading east, trying to get to Boston. It wasn’t long before everyone started to get picked off one by one—by infected, raiders, and even slavers. Somehow, me and my dad survived all that, but we found ourselves alone again. We were starving, had no shelter, and winter was just around the corner. We honestly didn’t know what we were going to do, and even though neither of us ever said it to each other, we were both so sure we were going to die. But then Tommy and his patrol group came across us one night. Once we proved that neither of us were infected, he brought us in.”

“You’ve been through a lot,” Joel states. He never would have even guessed.

You just seemed so well put together.

“Haven’t we all?” You let out a humorless laugh.

A silence falls like a curtain over both of you, but it’s comfortable.

Tranquil.

Although it had been a warmer night, it was now much later into the evening, and a chilly breeze whips its way through the settlement, whisking its cool and crisp fingers through your hair. It causes the white daisy you’d been wearing to fall, and the flower flutters to the ground, landing right in between Joel’s boots. Without giving it a second thought, he reaches down and picks it up, being careful as he gingerly dusts the dirt off of the delicate petals. He turns to you, tucking the flower back behind your ear. As his hand falls away from you, his index finger accidentally grazes the soft skin of your cheek, and every part of him floods with the burning desire to feel more of you.

“M’sorry ‘bout that,” he mumbles sheepishly.

“It’s quite alright,” you say—and you mean it. You can’t even remember the last time someone’s touch set you on fire like this. You’d been feeling cold and empty and numb for so long, and while all of the things that Joel’s making you feel had become almost foreign to you, they’re starting to reignite that spark of life inside of you that you thought you’d lost a long time ago.

From the inside of the barn, you and Joel hear the band begin to play their cover of Can’t Help Falling in Love.

“Elvis, huh?” Joel muses with a hum. He sounds impressed.

You’re not sure if all the alcohol you’d been consuming throughout the evening has only now just decided to kick into full gear in your system or whether you really do just lack any kind of common sense, but you find yourself looking up at him shyly through your eyelashes. “How about another dance?”

His lips part slightly in surprise. “To this song?”

Every inch of your skin burns hot with embarrassment and your fingers curl tighter around your glass. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. It’s just that I really love to dance,” you sputter out nervously, wishing you had kept your mouth shut. You only dig yourself further into the hole as you continue to ramble. “Luke doesn’t like to dance. He never wants to dance with me—”

That’s all Joel had needed to hear.

He reaches for your glass, prying it out of your grasp. He sets it down on top of the fence and holds his hand out to you. “I’ll dance with you, darlin’.”

Looking up at him in surprise, you accept and place your hand in his. His other hand finds your waist and the two of you begin swaying along to the music—a smile that could light up the entire town breaks out across your face.

Joel didn’t know Luke, but he couldn’t fathom how the man you were married to wouldn’t do just about anything to see that smile.

“Wait, I thought you couldn’t dance,” you tease, noticing that he’s leading you.

Flashing you a cocky grin, he shrugs. “Guess the kid was right. I ain’t so bad for fifty six with creakin’ knees.”

Remembering Ellie’s words from earlier, you throw your head back and laugh.

His stomach turns, twisting in a tangle of desire and nerves.

You’re married.

But that does nothing to stop the want, the need.

For either of you.

Being in his arms, it’s wrong.

It’s more than an innocent dance—it’s the beginning of something that’s bound to lead to nothing but trouble and you both know it.

Joel continues to lead you and begins singing along to the familiar lyrics, quietly, but just loud enough for you to hear the sultry richness of his voice. “Like a river flows, surely to the sea,” he sings, subconsciously giving your hand a gentle squeeze. “Darlin’ so it goes, some things are meant to be.”

Impressed, you raise an eyebrow at him. “You’ve got a nice voice, Joel.”

“Y’think so?”

You nod. “I do. What, were you a singer in your first life or something?”

“Close.”

“Really? What did you do?”

“I was a contractor,” Joel replies, grinning as he elicits another sweet laugh from you. “Owned my own construction business with Tommy. I did enjoy singin’ though—and playin’ the guitar too. But it was a hobby more than anythin’ since I don’t think music would’ve paid the bills.”

You smile up at him. “Oh, well now you’re going to have to play the guitar for me sometime. Maybe even treat me to a whole song?”

“I still owe Ellie a song,” he remembers, shaking his head. “But I don’t have a guitar, so it gets me out of it.”

“Well then, we’re going to have to find you one and when we do, you’ll have to play something for us,” you tell him. “Deal?”

“Deal.” Joel agrees without thinking. He starts singing along to the lyrics again. “Take my hand, take my whole life too—”

“But I can’t help falling in love with you.” You try not to laugh again at the shock on his face as you finished the lyric for him.

“Hey now, you’ve got a real nice voice yourself, darlin’.”

Darlin’.

You shouldn’t let him call you that.

Out of respect for your husband, you should tell him it’s not okay. None of this is okay.

But it is okay.

“Oh, now you’re just trying to flatter me, Miller,” you accuse him, playfully.

The song ends and neither of you make a move to let go of one another.

Joel’s eyes fall to your pretty, plush lips and it takes every ounce of strength he has inside of him not to lean down and press his own lips against them.

Finally, he forces himself to let you go and takes a step backward, clearing his throat. “I should, uh—I should go and find Ellie so I can get her home. S’gettin’ kinda late.”

You nod, your heart slamming painfully against your sternum. “Of course,” you say, slightly breathless. “I’ll come along with you so I can say goodnight to her.”

As the two of you make your way around the barn and back towards the entrance, Joel sees a tall, slender man with short dark hair approaching. He’d called out your name and something inside Joel’s mind just clicks together—he knows exactly who the man is before you’ve even had a chance to open your mouth and say his name.

“Luke?” Stopping abruptly in your tracks, you stiffen and squeak out his name. “What—what are you doing here?”

“There you are, honey.” He comes up to you and immediately takes your arm, pulling you from Joel’s side and over to his. “Tommy told me you might be out here. I was just coming to look for you.”

It takes thirty seconds for Joel to size him up. Luke’s younger than himself, definitely closer in age to Tommy—somewhere around his mid to late forties. He’s a lot more clean cut than most of the other rugged men in the commune with his short, neatly kept dark hair and a clean shaven face. Though he’s on the thinner side, he’s in decent shape, but Joel’s wider, broader and far, far more intimidating.

“What are you doing here?” you ask again.

“Now, is that really how a loving wife should greet her husband?” Luke laughs, pulling you even closer into his side.

Joel isn’t all too fond of the way he’s holding you.

He’s rough, harsh.

“I decided to come and check it out. See what all the fuss is about,” Luke says. He glances at Joel, his green eyes giving him a once over—sizing him up, just like Joel had done to him. “Don’t be rude, honey. Aren’t you going to introduce me to your new friend here?”

You speak softly, almost too softly.

“Luke, this is Joel Miller.”

“Ah. You’re Tommy’s brother, right?”

Joel tries not to sound too curt, but fails. “That’s right.”

“Joel, this is Luke.” You can’t even look him in the eye as you introduce your spouse. “He’s my husband.”

Luke extends a courteous hand. “It is a pleasure to meet you, Joel.” His other hand finds and takes yours. “I do hope that my wife here hasn’t been bothering you tonight. She can be quite the little chatterbox. Makes me wish she came with a mute button sometimes.”

Joel’s dark eyes briefly flit to Luke’s hand holding yours, taking note of the way he’s gripping it so tightly that his knuckles had gone white. Between that and the comment he’d just made about you, Joel had every fucking desire to connect his fist to the side of Luke’s face.

“Luke, please,” you whisper, throwing him a tiny glare.

“Oh come on now, honey. Where did your sense of humor go? You know I’m only joking,” Luke states, squeezing your hand a little harder, causing you to squirm.

Something tells Joel he’s not kidding around.

He’d meant what he had said.

“She hasn’t been a bother at all,” Joel speaks in your defense. “Actually, I came out here to talk to her and to thank her for bein’ so kind to my kid, Ellie. Your wife here, she’s been nothin’ but good to her since we arrived.”

“Well, as long as she wasn’t being a bother.” Luke glances down at you. “If you’ll excuse us, there’s a few people that I still need to see and say hello to inside. Come along, honey.” He glances at Joel, a strange glint in his eye as he tells him, “Welcome to Jackson, Joel.”

His jaw clenches as he watches him drag you into the barn.

Nothing about Luke sat right with him.

The way he’d spoken to you, touched you, treated you.

And then there was you.

The light had instantly left your eyes the second he’d come around.

Something wasn’t right.

A rough hand on his shoulder startles him out of his thoughts.

“Really, Joel? Really? Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with you?” Tommy hisses, yanking him over to the side of the barn where nobody would overhear him. “What the fuck did I tell you yesterday in the mess hall?”

“The hell are you fuckin’ talkin’ ‘bout?”

His brother glares at him. “I know that you ain’t as fuckin’ dumb as you look, Joel. What the fuck were you doin’ out here alone with her? Huh?”

Joel purses his lips together tightly in silence.

What had he seen?

Having read his mind, Tommy shoves his shoulder. “You were dancin’ with her you fuckin’ asshole? Did you fuckin’ forget that she’s a married woman?”

Joel rolls his eyes at him and aggressively shoves his hand off of his shoulder. “We were just dancin’ together, alright? Ain’t like we were makin’ out, Tommy. Can you fuckin’ relax?”

“I don’t give a fuck, Joel! If I saw any man that wasn’t me dancin’ with Maria like that, I’d be fuckin’ pissed. I’d kick his fuckin’ ass,” he spits. “Her husband just showed up to the goddamn party. You’re fuckin’ lucky that it was me who saw you out there with her and not him. What if he’d seen you two? Then what?”

“Christ, Tommy. Relax,” Joel tries again to calm him. “It was just a dance, alright? It was nothin’ more than that. Okay?”

“You listen to me and you listen to me good, ‘cause I ain’t fuckin’ gonna say it again, big brother. Don’t go gettin’ any ideas ‘bout her. I don’t need you to go around stirrin’ up any kind of trouble,” Tommy says, his voice firm. “We can’t have that kinda shit here. Maria won’t tolerate it, and y’know what, I won’t either. Don’t fuckin’ cause problems. Got it?”

“Didn’t plan on it,” Joel mutters, bitterly.

Tommy narrows his eyes at him.

“Just fuckin’ watch yourself, Joel,” he warns. “I fuckin’ mean it.”

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 3 months

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Am I the asshole for calling a (now ex-) mutual a stingy asshole?

So to start, I (NB20) am in a pretty rough situation, I'm facing homelessness soon, transphobia at home and work and my hours have been getting cut resulting in me making even less money that can sustain me. I have a toyhou.se forum post up stating I have emergency commissions open to help me out and to please support me if you can. This is where the situation begins. I have a mutual on toyhou.se who I'll call Apple (MTF22) I talk to sometimes to the point I'd say we are friends, not super close but friends nonetheless. She made a bulletin telling people about my commissions and to please comm me if they could which I'm very grateful for since I did get a few customers from her because of that. The thing is, a few weeks later, she made a bulletin talking about how happy she was so many commissions she bought were finished around the same time and posted all of them with the artists tagged in the post. It was honestly... quite a few, I'm talking like 9 pieces of art of her fursona and even a custom vtuber model she got of her sona. I was going to reply all happy for her, but it made me think... how much did she spend on those commissions?? So I went through all the artists socials to find their commission prices and came to a total of fucking $385!!! More than half of my current goal I'm trying to make through commissions to stay out of homelessness!! So I messaged Apple saying since I saw she bought a few commissions if she was interested in buying a comm from me. She replies saying "Ohh! I'd love to <333 but im just not in a place to buy any more comms right now :< sorry >.<!!" So I casually reply really? because it seems like your in the perfect place to help me out after already spending over $300 in commissions. She tells me she's sorry and really wishes someone would be able to help me out but she just wasn't that interested in my art or a custom to which I tell her she could've easily donated to my ko-fi which I have always had since she clearly has money to spend? To this, she straight up IP blocks me. So still fucking annoyed, I vented in a discord server I share with a few friends from being in a few shared CS together, saying how annoying it is rich assholes like her would drop half a thousand for a picture of their fursona but don't even blink twice at their so called friends. anyway, one of my friends takes a look at Apples th profile and notices she has a new bulletin up and sends me a screenshot, but anways the bulletin reads like "hey!! just saying, but please dont come into my dms acting like you know my financial situation better than i do, just because i buy a lot of commissions doesnt mean im made of money! and please dont think that me commisioning artist 1 means i hate artist 2? thats so weird, thanks!!!!!" and seeing all their subscribers just kissing her ass pissed me off so i made my own bulletin that just stated "i thought it was pretty fucking weird to know how bad ur friend's situation was and to go buy a bunch of comms instead of buying a comm from or even throwing a buck to help me out? like yeah im gonna think i know ur situation better than u, you stingy fuck!!!" Anyway, she mustve been block evading (which I reported her for) since she unblocked me, took a screenshot of my bulletin, then went on about how she lived in an abusive household; her dad had thrown her into a sink and chipped her tooth, bruised half her face and scarred it pretty badly. She bought a bunch of commissions immediately afterwards in a panic to make herself feel better, paying everything with her savings. Which to me.. isn't an excuse. Ive been hit and abused and still found scraps of money to pull together to give to mutuals who need it and Ive been bumping my own post like crazy and she had literal weeks to donate or comm me. Not to mention Ive had exmutuals of hers come to me saying that shes never donated anything to them either despite advertising their posts but always had money for plushies, comms and other crap, meaning Im not alone in thinking shes a stingy asshole. This is getting long, so here, tumblr AITA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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kyojurismo · 10 months

Note

Hey! It’s the food issue er req person, you can post them if you want! It’s up to you!

I am doing better by the way, we’re back to two very small meals but yk what it’s progress

# hashira

tags : gn!reader, implied ed.

a/n : i’m so sorry i didn’t see this sooner omg >_< here’s what i came up with anyway . . .

giyu notices you have difficulty and would try to convince you to take at least five bites of food, stating that for now that would be enough. he knows you’re struggling and would never make you feel bad by commenting negatively, but of course he would ask shinobu for advice.

sanemi would talk you into eating, even though he notices you’re struggling to eat all of it. that’s why he won’t pressure you into taking more than three bites — for now, because he will find a way to make you enjoy eating.

shinobu would sit down with you and try to convince you to eat somehow, even though if it’s just a bunch of small bites of food. she won’t judge you or make you feel bad though.

mitsuri would lowkey feel bad because maybe seeing her eat a lot would make you even more uncomfortable. but then she asks shinobu for a medical opinion and tries to be there for you, helping as she can.

gyomei would probably try offering you a bunch of plates you stated were your favourite, to see if you can get to eat them and slowly get into it once again. man is trying his best.

kyojuro does pretty much the same i think? definitely tries to find a way to make you enjoy food, since he knows that eating is super important and you shouldn’t skip meals like that. doesn’t judge or offend you in any way.

tengen starts rambling about how food is important for a ton of things, and that even though you don’t feel like it you should try to eat some small bites of food at every meal. that because he believes it would help you — doesn’t force you tho.

muichiro would do the same, as he tries his best to remember what you used to like. would even cook for you, as a way to show that he’s there and that he cares. doesn’t force you if you really don’t feel like it.

obanai is knows to be the hashira who eats less, so he kinda understands. but would genuinely eat with you if that helps you, saying that small bites of food are alright and that you’re doing amazing.

#📂 — writing !!#giyuu tomioka x reader #tengen uzui x reader #mitsuri kanroji x reader #kyojuro rengoku x reader #muichiro tokito x reader #shinobu kocho x reader #gyomei himejima x reader #sanemi shinazugawa x reader #obanai iguro x reader #kimetsu no yaiba #kimetsu no yaiba fanfic #demon slayer #demon slayer fanfic

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damnation-if · 9 months

Note

Hi, I just played the demo and I loved it! I was wondering if you could give us an estimate of when the next update is coming?👉👈 (Or link a relevant post, if you already talked about and I just didn't scroll down far enough to see it 😆)

Also, I wanted to check, can you be in a romantic relationship with more than one character, and not just a sexual one? Because I might be in love with every single character in this game 🤭

hi, thank you! i'm glad you're enjoying the game :) i've answered the question about romancing multiple characters a couple of times in a couple of different asks but the posts all kind of link back to each other so you should be able to find all the info by. following the various links in each ask i think, starting here XD

i'm going to put the answer to your other question under a cut because some of it is quite emotional for me

i did Sort Of talk about this at the time when it happened, by which i mean that rather than making a post, i talked about it in the tags of an unrelated post i was using to distract myself (i think it was character playlists and how i'm not sure if it's a good idea to do them or not if i recall), but earlier this year while i was already going through a really rough time, my laptop died and i lost a lot of work on the game.

i knew my laptop was old and that this was possibly approaching so i made regular backups and the good news is that because i write in a separate word document and keep backups of those also i didn't actually lose any Writing. however. my twine has a problem in that every second or third game file that i publish from the build is Haunted - it contains passages i removed weeks ago, or writing that i deleted long before publishing it, that kind of weird annoying shit. (other authors have seen my files do this lmfao) and i just have to hope that the backups i make either won't be needed or aren't haunted. anyway... because hope is futile, the last backup i made was indeed haunted, and utterly useless to me as a recovery file. because it's just twine, i still have all the writing, as i mentioned... but i would have to re-code the entire chapter and put it all back together again because of how much the file did not export, which is a complicated and daunting process.

so i made a rambling explanation of this in the tags of a post and decided to take maybe a couple of days off and cool down from this specific disaster before getting into it.

i wake up the next morning to find the IF community absolutely plastered all over with Helpful Informative PSA posts about how Silly it is not to make backups and how if you just make backups you'll never have problems again and you should know better than to not make backups.

now. i'm not a catastrophist. i know for a fact that nobody was making or spreading these posts out of cruelty or a desire to make me feel bad. i also know that it's not particularly realistic to expect people who don't even know me to hunt down the source of a piece of hearsay that's like "i heard from someone that someone said that an author lost a bunch of their files and is really upset about it" to find out what the situation is and whether or not it's what they imagine. i don't even think the vast majority of people knew who it was that was the author involved, or who i am either.

but to already be going through an extremely stressful time and then lose my laptop on top of that and then be obliquely referenced by people i thought of as my peers as kind of just a big silly bumbling goose who didn't know how to manage my files and a "don't be like this person" attitude really, really hurt me. i can't express just how deeply it hurt me. one particular author was openly laughing at me and saying it was my own fault for being too stupid to make backups using a certain twine peripheral program.

so. there was a period of time where i could have found the motivation to just restart the whole chapter myself and re-code it in a frenzy because i wanted to get right back into writing it because. like a lot of authors, i LOVE writing. that's why i do this even when it's difficult. but that potential recovery was sandblasted away by the reactions of people that i thought of as my colleagues in some sense (even though i understand that they didn't do it with bad intentions, in most cases). and i hope people can understand that it greatly lengthened the amount of time i needed to spend away from the game recovering emotionally, despite being a Very Small issue to most people. i'm literally upset again just typing out this answer lmfao

however one other small piece of good news is that my laptop seemingly just lost the ability to turn itself on (because of its age) so i Think the hard drive is intact. meaning that i think i can get someone to pull all the files off it and just have them back fine once i do. the other piece of bad news is that my life is a trainwreck! and i cannot afford that right now. which is why i sort of pivoted to writing the 2000 follower celebration sidegame as a way to enjoy myself while i hurtle through hell sdjgbdfhfdgh

shortly after this thing with the laptop the house i was living in was sold out from underneath me, even though it wasn't supposed to be, and i had to find somewhere to live with my 18 year old cat, but the city i lived in had zero places that would allow cats (they're totally fine with Dogs though of course) so i had to move to an entirely new city on my own while worrying about her health. and right now i spend every fortnight desperately trying to scrape together enough to survive the next fortnight. there were entire months where i had no access to internet! it's been pretty Bad!!

so i get that people really want updates, and i'm really flattered that people do and it makes me happy that people like the game so much. but i am currently expending so much time and energy trying not to die lmfao, and i need to save up the money to get my files back around that. i truly cannot tell you when the next update will be, but i promise you that it Haunts me, probably more than you can imagine XD the sidegame will Definitely come out before it though, if that's something you're looking forward to.

thank you again for your message, and i'm sorry that i don't have good news for you. but i am trying, constantly. every day.

#what does the chaos mirror see #eternal-flame #i hope it doesn't come across like i'm mad about this question because i'm not<3 #it's just that my life is really terrible! and i constantly feel tense and upset about it! lmfao #i was SO nervous when i published the game for the first time that the build i published would be a haunted one lmfao #literally combing through every single accessible passage with a magnifying glass to make sure it wasn't #would it have been better to get the haunting out of the way with publishing the game or keep it for this backup problem?? i don't know #wish it just wouldn't do it i guess. but then again i haven't noticed it as a problem since getting my new laptop #so hopefully i won't have to worry about it in future #hurgh... still not over this properly i guess lmao

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beautifulpersonpeach · 3 months

Note

I’m relatively new to the fandom and have really enjoyed a lot of your posts… I have a question that I couldn’t quickly find an answer to in searching through your tags…

What’s the deal with streaming? Like, I listen to BTS. I enjoy them a lot, I listen to a pretty even mix of all their albums though I probably like MOTS:7 era the best). Some days I listen to them like all day lol (if I’m cleaning the house or something) and I listen to them a lot in the car or while working. I’ve enjoyed some solo releases more than others so I naturally streamed those more. but like the more I start following accounts on here and on army twt the more confused I get about the intense pressure to stream constantly? I’ve heard that people play certain songs (or albums I guess?) on repeat on mute and/or have dedicated streaming devices they keep going all the time.

Not to be negative or rude at all but like…what? Maybe because I’m new to KPop and have never followed it until BTS but that just sounds so weird and… idk the word, maybe disingenuous? Again I do not mean this as an attack I am just genuinely confused. Wouldn’t BTS themselves want us only to listen if we were actually enjoying it and not out of some competitive attempt to get better ratings? It feels so odd to me, like that is not how I would behave with any other artist that I love. I would only ever listen to them out of a genuine desire to hear their music. But there seems to be so much weird shaming out there for when/if songs are not streamed heavily enough? And for any other artist I would just write that off as a difference in taste among the fandom, but here it’s treated like a personal wrong against the artist…?

But as I say that I’m sure there’s more to it… I have definitely seen people talking about payola or chart manipulation so idk. If I should google this instead, just tell me to, I just have already tried and didn’t find that much clarity, just a bunch of people on quora and Reddit talking about certain songs not getting streamed enough.

Anyways this is super long, sorry if it annoys you. Just thought you seemed knowledgeable and levelheaded enough to ask? Love your posts. All the best.

Ask 2:

Okay wait I’m the anon that just asked about streaming and I went and re-read your post about “inorganic success” — I had read it before but somehow I didn’t put together that the 24-7 streaming is an attempt to combat payola or like go up against it I guess. Okay. That makes more sense. I still feel like there’s a weird focus on charting but I guess if it’s about getting more concert venues and more radio play it makes sense.

You can ignore my last ask then I’m sorry if I’m being dense or something lol.

***

You haven’t at all asked a stupid question. Your confusion is easily explained by you being new to k-pop, and everyone new to this madhouse asks this question eventually. I’ve talked about this before, but can’t find the post for the life of me so I’ll briefly go over it again.

First, you need to understand what k-pop is. K-pop is a system that gamifies music consumption. Competition is something you’ll see in the music industry regardless. Western stans such as Arianators, Barbz, and the Beyhive have organized around streaming goals and efforts for at least 10 years now. But there’s no other music industry that explicitly emphasizes competition among groups and fans, the way the k-pop industry does.

Competition is baked into its DNA:

From the idol training system under agencies with supposed specialities that are treated like warring houses a la Game of Thrones (a mentality created by the Big 3),

to the music shows where fans are encouraged to vote daily and weekly for the best artists and where wins are tied to streaming numbers,

to the highly publicized year-end award show criteria that outline key metrics for wins in streams, sales, and fan votes.

Basically, the k-pop industry creates a clear hierarchy of talent and acclaim for artists in their system, directly stokes fan participation in buying into that hierarchy, and the numbers are the easiest litmus test/short cut to settle the question of who is at the top.

And all of this is served with a cocktail of parasocial delusion and entitlement that has (more easily manipulated) fans thinking their perceived investment into their faves, earns them the right to micromanage their fave idols’ careers. All of this benefits the labels and industry because they’d rather have you more engaged (even if toxically), than not.

Everybody here buys into this system despite what they’ll tell you, some just manage to keep their wits and perspective to prevent getting sucked in, while others fall headfirst into it.

And so, like I said in my ‘inorganic success’ post you referenced, the focus on streaming is part of fans really just playing the game. Excess is something you’ll see on the charts in any case, whether in k-pop or in the West.

The difference with BTS and ARMYs however, is in the why of how the fandom streams. Essentially, you’re more likely to find people just as passionate about the music itself as they are about giving that music its due in hard numbers and consequently, recognition. You’re more likely to find fans like this in the ARMY fandom, than any other, in my opinion. Some people forget that the og ARMYs were k-pop fans first. They were fans who intimately understood how this system worked, they understood why the Big3 maintained dominance in k-pop for literal decades, and they saw the worth in the music BTS made, loved it enough to invest time into the playing the game better than anyone else at the time - pushing BTS from nugu status to where they are now, competing well outside the realm of the k-pop system but in a space that remains complex and highly competitive.

Another aspect that differentiates how ARMYs stream vs other k-pop fandoms, is that due to the sheer size of the fandom in absolute numbers, the average ARMY typically streams less than a typical k-pop stan. Basically, in other fandoms the typical stan has to stream more per person to have even a fraction of the gains seen in the ARMY fandom. ARMYs also aren’t doing anything other fandoms aren’t doing, it’s just that so far, they’re more efficient at it and don’t have to worry too much because BTS makes music that keeps attracting more fans, adding to the size of the fandom. They’ve also generally stayed away from more illegal methods given the intense scrutiny and animosity the fandom has faced for being part of the reason BTS upended the ordained hierarchy in this space. It sounds silly but it’s true.

But that’s only one side of the story. The other side is that in the fandom, everybody here really just does what they want. And many people genuinely enjoy listening to BTS that much and that intensely. Going by personal experience in what I observed before I became ARMY, I noticed that many ARMYs are Type A and organized - people who like and study data. The first time in my life that I saw someone create a spreadsheet for fan theories on a k-pop MV, was when an ARMY made one for I NEED U MV. I’m not sure what it is about BTS, but from the beginning they’ve attracted the sort of fans who genuinely enjoy listening to music often, people who enjoy creating and playing around with playlists, and people who track and measure applicable data. So your assumption that the people who stream like this are people who don’t actually enjoy the music, is wrong. In my opinion. For a lot of ARMYs, streaming and appreciating the music isn’t mutually exclusive.

Personally, I listen to music a lot. And I’ve always been that way, so when I became ARMY, I just sort of naturally fit into that culture. The sort of music BTS makes is a joy to listen to, I play their stuff literally everyday and it feels like the most normal thing in the world for me to sleep to Serendipity sometimes (in my sleep playlist which includes brown noise and rain sounds), or to do laundry to Let Me Know playing, or to drive to UGH and Set Me Free Pt 2 playing. I have multiple accounts because I listen to all kinds of music all the time, and it’s just convenient for me to have things set up such that I can flip on a playlist in every situation I’d want one on.

But like I said, the reality is that everyone in this fandom does what they want. It’s true there are certain people in the fandom who obsess over streaming, these are typically chartmys and akgaes, but most other people stream however they like. Fandom in general is a pressure cooker environment so I don’t blame you for noticing that pressure, but at the end of the day you really should just do what makes the most sense to you.

ARMYs generally recognize the reality of the space they are in, they recognize what it means for BTS, and most simply tweak their normal listening habits to maximize the gain and support to BTS. Plus sometimes it’s fun to play into fandom’s initiatives as a way to connect with other fans (such as in streaming parties).

I ended up rambling but let me know if this answered your question.

#BTS #BTS army #bts fandom #kpop fandom #kpop industry #fandom behaviour #streaming

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leviiackrman · 2 months

Text

TAG CATCH UP: PERSONAL PICREW, QUESTIONS + URL SONGS;

Heyyooooo I’m back (even tho I never left) but these illnesses have been kicking my ass and I FINALLY feel better! I’ve been tagged in a bunch of fun games recently that I’ve been neglecting, but thank you so much to everyone who tagged me! Have an oversized post to suit my oversized fashion taste tehe

Tagged by: URL Tag: @rolangf @carrionsflower @timdownie @thedeadthree || Questions 1: @rosenfey || Questions 2 + Picrew: @binatalia

Tagging: @bbrocklesnar @risingsh0t @statichvm @marivenah @confidentandgood @unholymilf @florbelles @simonxriley @shellibisshe @roofgeese @aezyrraeshh @faerune @tekehu @arklay @jackiesarch @minaharkers @captmactavish @carlosoliveiraa @queennymeria @shadowglens @nightbloodbix @riikugan @heroofpenamstan @fenharel @alexxmason @malefiicarum @gearvmac @gwynbleidd @delzinrowe + @binickmiller

|| hair colour is not accurate cus I’m a brunette but I bleached it recently so it’s a lot warmer than this! Wolf cut going strong tho and not this long but anyway ||

L: Liar Liar - Dylan, Bastille

E: ERA - The Faim

V: Vampire Disco - Friday Pilots Club

I: IDK How to Talk to Girls - Beth McCarthy

I: I Don’t Like You..OK - The Hunna, Kelsey Karter & The Heroines

A: AmEN! - Bring me the Horizon, Lil Uzi Vert, Daryl Palumbo

C: Conquer - Marshmello, Space Laces

K: Kick Back - Kenshi Yonezu

R: Rise (Redux) - The World Alive, League of Legends

M: Make it Out Alive - ONE OK ROCK

A: Animals - Nickelback

N: Not Alone - New Rules

last song: Stormy Weather - Kings of Leon (my saved songs was playing while doing my chores lmao)

currently watching: I’m FINALLY watching American Horror Story (after my bestie pestered me for years aha) and I LOVE it!! I’m also watching The Kardashians cus it’s good background noise when I’m working lmao, and on going critical role etc

3 ships: I’m gonna choose 3 of my oc ships cus brain no function: Margot x Levi, Rin x Dabi + Mineyo x Rin

favourite colour: mustard yellow! Just such a pretty colour and so cheerful!

currently consuming: the daggerheart one shot hehehehe! So now I’m planning ideas for a daggerheart oc for when me and my sister make our characters!

first ship: anakin x padme…. forever a precious ship to me

place of birth: South England, UK

current location: 30 mins from my birth place lmao, I’ve moved a lot tho

relationship status: single pringle as always but my brain clearly is pining cus I keep having dreams about having a partner…

last movie: oh daymn… uhhh idk I don’t really watch films anymore! I think it was Suzume!

currently working on: oh BOY so many things! I’m making the invites, seating plan, table decorations and other bits for my sisters wedding, I also need to make a curtain for our stair window cus it freaks my dad out lmao, more crochet designs for my Etsy shop (critical role characters and Disney princesses are in progress), timelines for my ocs which is taking FOREVER cus i ain’t no writer, more drawings for my ocs, my oc publication, MULTIPLE ideas for oc art and just never ending odd projects cus i CANT. STOP. OH and all the planning for mummas fundraiser/birthday! So it’s a lot aha

are you named after anyone? Not my first name, but my dad went to a garden centre the day my sister was born and chose 2 flowers for our middle names, so she’s Molly Jasmine and I’m Jessica Rose!

when was the last you cried? Uhhh idk I cry a lot, half the time I don’t even realise I am. Probably on the weekend when I was feeling shit

do you have kids? AHAHAHA no. I have 0 intention of having my own children but whenever I’m financially stable (and potentially with someone) I wanna adopt/foster as many kids as I can!

what sports do you play/have you played? When I was younger I played football, hate it now. I play games at work with the kids a lot but nothing legit

do you use sarcasm? I’m British. So what do you think?

what is the first thing you notice about people? Their eyes and smiles! I can tell when someone isn’t smiling genuinely tbh

what is your eye color? Hazel but got a lot of green in them

scary movies or happy endings? Scary movies. That way I can create my own happy endings while enjoying the carnage hehe

any talents? I don’t really believe in ‘talents’, I prefer to think that anyone can CREATE a talent through practice and dedication. I guess you could say my art skills are a talent, but again I practiced for my whole life so it’s not really a talent more than determination. I can also cook decently, dance/sing okay, but they’re not talents to me, just passions

where were you born? The shit hole called England.

what are your hobbies? Oh FUCK I have way too many… drawing, crocheting, editing, writing, reading, watching anime, creating characters + content, puzzles, painting, diamond painting, organising and SO MANY MORE

do you have any pets? I doooo! I have 1 doggo named Harley and she is my pride and joy, I love her sm

how tall are you? 5 foot 11 and a half, so I just say 6 foot

favorite subject in school? Art, history, dance, drama and IT

dream job? Freelance artist or concept artists. Tho the latter is less likely nowadays cus yknow… everything is fucked from AI…

#tagged*#about me*#rolangf #carrionsflower #timdownie #thedeadthree #rosenfey #binatalia #run down of illnesses cus BOY it’s a lot: head cold for over a month turned bacterial infection in my chest #antibiotics gave me a bad UTI cus turns out I’m allergic to penacilldn #constant back pain and headaches #sooooo yeh it’s not been great #but thank you again for the tags!

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vidavalor · 6 months

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I just happened upon your blog (right terminology?) and I’m learning a lot. One thing that startled me was your referring to Crowley and Aziraphale’s love (sex) life as a matter of course, something seemingly everyone but me knew about. I was blown away and really wanted it to be true. After all, they’ve had to do without so much—openness, safety, the expectation of future togetherness. It would too unfair if they had to do without physical consummation too. What’s the deal with this? How do we know it’s so? What’s the history? Please enlighten me. Have you written posts about this? I’d love to read them. Thanks

Hello! Thanks for the ask. Nice to meet you. I call it a blog because I'm old and don't know the cool terms but we can call it whatever lol. I have no idea re: how many people who view the show and are able to see that Crowley & Aziraphale are more than friends (because, believe it or not, that concept still shocks some lol) who think that they're already lovers. I do think I'm sort of in the minority, maybe, even if there are a bunch of people who think that they're already a thing. When scrolling through the Ineffable Husbands tag on here, I tend to see a lot more posts that suggest that they aren't lovers and that 2.06 was their first kiss. (Let's hope that it's not lol.)

I guess I would say that if you are thinking about whether or not they might be, consider that Good Omens shows you most of its story out of chronological order in order to give layered meaning to the stuff you've already seen so, just with that knowledge alone, it would be actually pretty surprising if 2.06 was the first time they'd kissed. In S2 itself, earlier on, there's some heavy suggestion that it's not. If you want to read about when I think that happened, go here and I'll link you one more post at the bottom of this response here:

While I like to read all points of view-- I read a lot of aro ace GO stuff as well, even if I don't necessarily see that in my own interpretations of things-- I have thought they were sleeping together since the first time I watched S1 a few years back and S2 just kinda reinforced that for me. I think that, technically-speaking, there's a path to either they still haven't gotten together or that they're long-time lovers. I say that but honestly... it's more like if they somehow do something that suggests that they're only getting together during/after S3, I think it could kinda work but I honestly don't actually think that's the story they're writing. I'm pretty firmly set on the idea that they've been sleeping together for, uh, a very long time at this point. Someone told me the other day via messages that they would burn my house down if I did not finish a sex meta that I promised people so I best maybe get on that and also potentially call the police lol. (I am both flattered and scared?). So, uh, I'll get that up soon... I wrote a couple of longer metas lately about different eras of their relationship that are replies to recent asks on my blog-- I'd probably recommend the one about what they call each other and coded love confessions in 1941, if you're looking to read about them as a couple that's already a couple (even if they would have an anxiety attack at the word 'couple', as Crowley does in 2.06 lol). Will link it below. I'm very flattered that you and others have asked to read more of what I think and I have gotten asked a lot for more sex-related content so, uh, watch this space, I guess? :)

Make yourself a tea first or plan to come back to it as I'm wordy lol:

#ineffable husbands #good omens

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trashbins-stuff · 5 months

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Hello. I have seen that you have been tagged by @neobixiscool on one of their posts. I am planning to make a rant post on them. If you can provide some background info and your side of the story, that would be great. If you feel uncomfortable discussing this, that's ok. Have a good day/evening.

rub hands together like flies. my time has come/silly 😋😋

and thank you for coming to me :3 i appreciate it/gen also i get to go all cabby on this hehe

oh and, im not really hurt-hurted by them, i feel like mocha (mochablogger), liam (moonmxple) and mac (blairdrawzstuff) are most affected. They did have a book with my character in it but in a different universe or something (without my consent nor credit btw). Anyway under the cut is my observant. Honestly i think i might have jsut make the rant post for you lmao hrgbnhe 😭😭

the background/before:

mocha was working on a little story and xe said we could be in it! so obviously me and my friends signed up for the fun, not really expecting anything, the story was called "The Traumatized Cup", thats when we first meet him.

In one of the chapter mocha had introduced rubix, at first i didnt really think much about him, i was just aware of his presence, i do notice him and mocha started to become friends and i thought that was great :)

something that you should probably contact cuppy for more info:

so rubix (or according to rubix, "jasp" was roleplaying) and mocha were friends on facebook, and they roleplayed there i think, this i just know but apparently he said crap about liam (mocha's platonic partner and my best friend). Mocha is very sensitive and even in roleplay xe's still uncomfortable with what rubix said

"bezel's" divorce headcanon (and possible influence on further problems):

i heard people talked about it but never knew where it came from, but thne i found out and,,

tdlr; 1st one is about mocha and rubix, i dont know if mocha consent to it. 2nd one is uh a bit weird i i guess like he could have ask facemoji to make another one ;-;. 3rd ah yes the divorce that i had heard about!/vneg

rubix said bezel forced him into making the 1st one, even if thats true, rubix said the divorce was bezel's headcanon but hes the one that decided to post the 3rd one ("okay i asked facemoji again..")

seem kinda sus not gonna lie..but what do i nose right :-)

bezel probably influence more but even after all these months im still not sure if he really did do those things, idk lul, it is pretty weird that bezel's blog was a sideblog though (liam told me)

heres a bunch of words with link attach, those r my opinions lmao:

these u can just click to read so i hope thats okay

on wattpad he have a book in which he painted mocha, hazel and blair as manipulative (admittedly his writing was good, he could have used it for something different though)

he also uses some of our characters (such as mocha cuppy, hazel, blair, harp, blueberry, winter, bin (mine btw), seedling, galaxy journal,...etc) he did the delete that book tho, anyway heres more screenshot proof (credit @moonmxple )

mocha asked liam and neobix said its cringe

i remember this one also

the one where he tried to ban pet name and online dating (in 2023) (check the comment and other reblogs also theres alot, its practically a goldmine/silly)

and can i say he barely knows our friend group? like sure he knows mocha but hes trying to fit into our group (very poorly)

please read what cass wrote in the comment (thanks cass for speaking out about it ily)

the ask i sent him

NOT to get all bitchy here but mocha blocked you therefore you literally dont appear anywhere on xer dash, you're out of xer life and xe had no reason to pester you, not everything has to be about mocha. You guy's relationship (or supposedly lack there of) had change but honestly? thats okay they dont have to like the same people that they liked yesterday. You might think you know that's them but it wasnt, mocha in real life is kinder and better than the version inside of your head and they're happier now and its so sad that you cant see (because you're blocked)

and again, not everything has to be about YOU

he also made it all about HIM like excuse me ???? can i not complain for little bit without you coming in and nag about your problem ??? if you're suffering go talk to someone dont talk to online strangers ??? :)))???????

bro cant even read a long paragraph post like go back to elementary school lmao, also reporting ppl just because they use their right to not forgive you is such a sore loser move, it make you sound like petty six year old (also max be spitting facts tho)

bro brought out HIS right (reporting mocha, which he actually cant do if he doesnt have a valid reason) while ignore MOCHA's right (not forgiving him, which isnt a valid reason for him to report xem). The definition of petty is literally complain way too much about unimportant things that could have and should have ended already

"you dont have to relate to everything you see on the internet, somethings are simply not about you" :)

did you know that to report someone you have to click alot of buttons??

common salad W <3333

oh yeah, this doesnt have links but jasp/neobix is being so casual abt bezel's death but also uses it as a way to make people feel bad for getting upset with what he did

Sorry for playing the dickhead role, but you wouldn't be laughing if you knew how we felt about every single one of you. (why it sound serious all the sudden lol)

why i still doubt (uh and heads up, galaxy brush, kodu, cuppy,..others who think @/rubixisanidi0t was saying the truth, im not saying he isnt but you cant blame me for not trusting can you? please skip this part if you're sensitive):

naw so if this was suppose to be jasp then whats jasp motive lmao :/..he dont gain anything from this + who tell people their secret plan publicly?? + how did jasp know about rubixs hallucination?? rubix please dont tell such personal things to jsut your friends and please just talk to an adult in real life. And jasp, dont let these kind of things on the internet its not safe/srs

this is just straight up weird and also why did neobix/jasp said "old friend" like hes rubix?? when he supposedly told rubix and i quote "yeah.. Soo.... This person named @/mochablogger seemed like some cool person, and when I tried to talk with them... Nothing happened, so when I figured they didn't care... It all happened at once." neobix/jasp and mocha werent even friend to begin with why was he SO obssess over getting mochas forgiveness when they supposedly barely interact much??

aint it a bit weird how this is supposedly jasp/neobix but why would they make this video??? it???doesnt make any sense?? and like were rubix and jasp still good friend??? why wood bezel make jasp of all people do it??? unless yk

HOL UP, WAIT A MINUTE..if rose jelly dated rubix but rubix tunred out to be jasp then..WHO IS ROSE JELLY ACTUALLY DATING??????

if @/neobixiscool is suppose to be jasp then how did he get a screenshot for a show rubix was making???

i translated it and head up. it has death threat in it

you know, if someone stole my account and ruin my reputation i wouldnt be following them and be mutuals with them :)

i appreciate him saying hell save us but like..why would @/neobixiscool linked the real rubix's yt and discord knowing full well that the real rubix was there and could told joiners the truth??? that seem kinda dumb ngl also on the channel you can find a video called "waitng for forgiveness" which @/neobixiscool had talked about. and lets do a bit of timing here, if rubix really was telling the truth and havent been on social media since his alst post on @/rubixcuix (last posted in august) and the divorce arc and the roleplay thing and EVERYTHING had started in september, and if the yt belonged to rubix, then he shouldnt have known that mocha didnt forgive him and make that video????? bc he wasnt suppose to be there since august??? bc if anything he shouldnt be waiting for forgiveness bc if jasp really did steal his tumblr account then its not his fault?? like i find it absoltuely HILARIOUS that the evidence agaisnt what rubix said was on both the account @/neobixiscool AND @/rubixisanidi0t's PINNED post?? and it boggles my mind how no one talks abt this???/lh/nm i mean its quite obvious maybe im jsut really observant though idk

if you got your account stolen and jasp supposedly brought back a wattpad book, i dont think you should be continuing it?? and didnt you said your reported him on wattpad?? on the same account where the book is?? why are you acting like "yes i did promise them this and im fully aware of what happen even though i supposedly havent been here since august and i will continue this book" has it hit you?

uh yeah so these are just my silly little takes, but hey! what do i nose? :-)

#drama #my take on the drama is very fun hehe :) i had fun writing this #anyway thanks for reading my thoughts lul hope you have a great dayyyy <3

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thesecondbatgirl · 2 years

Text

This is not as positive as you think it is

It’s still Rosh Hashanah, and I’m going to post part of those 17 essays I swore I would never write. Starting off the year as I mean to go on? Or something. I originally had this as the first thing on my list of essays that I would never write but would absolutely get me kicked out of Star Wars fandom but I am tired and cranky and I am going to explain why tagging fics where the Jedi Order reform and start allowing attachment as *Jedi Positive* piss me off so much.

First, let me make this clear. If you hate the Jedi Order and want to write those, go ahead. If you have issues with the Jedi and want to write those fics, go ahead. Nobody is stopping you. What I’m asking instead is to stop tagging them Pro-Jedi or Jedi positive. Use Jedi critical! Or not Jedi friendly! Please use those tags instead! Yes even if you think its Pro-Jedi! If you are saying that the Order needs to reform to be *good* then it is not Jedi friendly!

I mean, look, if you are writing those things then I have issues with the way you’re interrogating the text and will think that you’re *wrong* and also that you’re using some super problematic (and from my point of view, anti-semitic) tropes but if my 21+ years in fandom have taught me anything its that you are never going to get anyone to agree on anything, but tagging will at least allow us to have our own spaces? Like, you wouldn’t have gone into a [pairing of your choice] positive archive and post a fic where [pairing] break up because the one who isn’t your blorbo is abusive so your blorbo runs to *YOUR* OTP, because that wouldn’t fit the theme of the archive! So if your fic is saying that the old rules for the prequel Jedi are bad and need to be changed to be good, don’t put it with Jedi positive content!

So first. Attachment. Other people have talked about it better than I have, but have some links about what attachment means in the GFFA and no it really does not mean love.

(Listen I am not going to bother to rewrite the meta when Lumi has already done the work for me)

https://gffa.tumblr.com/post/695309005156925440/this-is-every-instance-where-the-jedi-talk-about/amp

https://gffa.tumblr.com/post/680367423839485952/this-is-every-time-i-have-ever-seen-george-lucas

https://gffa.tumblr.com/post/685958601260646400/hi-totally-okay-this-ask-was-very-obviously-sent

https://gffa.tumblr.com/post/685727448042733568

https://gffa.tumblr.com/post/682990707642892288/i-never-understand-what-people-mean-when-they-say

…. Honestly just have the entire attachment tag ok:

https://gffa.tumblr.com/tagged/attachment

So. Having done your reading, for the purposes of the GFFA, attachment is greed/possession and *very very bad* for psychic space monks. It is not a thing that the Jedi can just suddenly *allow*. Letting Jedi start allowing attachments, which is the big thing I start seeing whenever people start *reforming* the Jedi is, to me, a Jew who lives in the US South, the equivalent of Jews for Jesus.

Whoa, TSB, you say. You’re going too far.

Not really. Let’s go with a central belief of Judaism. The messiah has not come, Jesus is not the messiah. For the Jedi, attachment is not allowed is one of the central core beliefs. So saying that the way the Jedi need to reform by changing one of their core beliefs hits me like the person who told me “oh honey, we don’t care how you worship, as long as you accept Christ” did. (Right after I was introduced as being Jewish!) If you’re changing the *core* of who the Jedi are, you’re making them no longer Jedi. It’s not just changing one thing, it’s changing *everything.*

And, while the Jedi are much more Buddhist then they are Jewish, they still hit me very much in my Jewish feels. Gee, I wonder *why* I could possibly resonate with a minority religious group who were hunted down and murdered and who get accused of a bunch of anti-semitic tropes including baby stealing and secretly running the government???? There are no parallels, clearly.

So look. Every single time I get hit with a fic that’s tagged Pro-Jedi and then its “we changed our rules about attachment and that stopped us from being murdered” what I hear is “the Jews accepted Jesus so we avoided pogroms/The Holocaust.” Or, as another friend pointed out "the Sikhs cut their hair, converted, and so the Mughal Empire let them live.”

Obviously I don’t speak for every Jew, and I certainly don’t speak for any Sikhs, so not everyone is going to agree with my take. But there are people that relate to Jedi and there is a reason why people are uncomfortable with Jedi reform and allowing attachment.

But if you’re going to write fic about the Prequel Jedi and have them reform, before you tag it pro-Jedi or Jedi-Positive, please consider if “well they have to change who they are to be good” is as positive as you think it is. Tags help people curate their fannish experience. I very much follow the philosophies of YKINMKATO and don’t like, don’t read. The backbutton is my friend! But when I think I’m getting positive fic and then it isn’t? That sucks. Please tag accurately.

…. And well, since I’ve broken my rule about not writing these essays I guess look forward to my future essays of “No the Jedi are not Catholic” and “Actually they don’t have any political power” and “please stop judging the Jedi Order by some middle grade books” and finally “Galidraan was not the Jedi’s fault oh my god Jango shot first” Shana tova, everyone. Let’s try to do better this year.

#pro-Jedi #Stop insisting the Jedi need to reform and tagging it pro-Jedi simultaneously #fandom salt #Write whatever you want but maybe think about it

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sophoscorner · 6 months

Text

As long as I’ve been on Tumblr I have seen posts talking about how undervalued women are in fandom, and I’ve nodded along, reblogged and moved on with my life. Occasionally I’ve tried to figure out how one would solve this problem at least in their own fandom experiences, and I’ve never had an answer, but today I am here to tell you: the answer is Mei.

I’m 100% joking, but also so serious. Mei is the most undervalued character in lmk and she deserves so much more love. She is the only girl in the main cast (I’m counting red son as a boy because that’s what he is in cannon) and she has so many cool things about her. She’s literally descended from dragons, she has a complex relationship with her parents, trouble sharing her feelings and asking for help, and she HOSTED LITERAL WORLD ENDING FLAMES, but when you look at her followers on tumblr you’d think she doesn’t do much.

(Pigsy did not make it on this graph because he doesn’t have his followers listed on his tag page)

Before I carry on with all this data analysis I want to say that I’m not shaming any specific people for not being particularly interested in Mei. The important thing when it comes to biases isn’t one specific case it’s trends, so it’s not about whether you like Mei, it's about whether you have a tendency to think guy characters are more interesting to talk about them more.

Anyways, when you look at Ao3 tags you may think that Mei has just as many fics about her as a lot of the main cast (minus the main character and the gay monkeys of course), but when you filter for fics tagged with Mei in them you’ll find a frustrating amount that have her as a supporting character or worse mentioned that one time. The thing about tagging characters is you’re not saying the fic is about them you’re saying the fic has them as part of the plot, and so most of her popularity comes from being an amazing best friend, matchmaker and a party animal instead of any of her internal conflicts.

To find fics that were actually about Mei (to some degree) I filtered for the tags Mei-centric and Mei Needs a Hug,and the results were much different. Mei’s number of fics is around how many Tang has. She has 10 more Needs a Hug fics than him, and he has 10 more -centric fics than her. The only character she’s beating out is Pigsy whose -centric tag doesn’t even have it’s own page yet.

Probably the most popular aspect of fandom (for better or worse) is shipping, and there’s a surprising lack of shippable characters in lmk. With the brotherhood and older demons there’s some variation, but for the stoplight trio they really only have each other (at least from what I’ve seen), and when you look at the popularity (on Ao3) of the different ships the results are… decisive. The most popular ship in the trio is MK/Red Son and the runner up Mei/Red Son has only 1/5 of the fics. I personally only really like MK/Red SOn and the whole trio shipped together (poly ships aren’t as popular), but I’m still surprised that Mei/Red Son, which is the one most supported by cannon in my opinion, is so much less popular.

Unlike the others this isn’t really me saying Mei absolutely should be shipped more, but shipping is pretty much always correlated to how popular a character is in fandom so I thought it was worth mentioning.

I don’t really know what to say at the end of this. I’m not much of a analyzer or a headcanoner. I don’t know how to delta every interesting thing I love about her. Please just take a second to appreciate Mei and all that she’s been through. Maybe partake in Mei thursday every once and awhile or just talk about her more. I don’t know, I just wanted to make a bunch of graphs about it. (Thank you @mythicalmagical-monkeyman for inspiring this <3)

Also this started as a fic rec list (that’s why Ao3 comes up so much), so if you have any Mei fics you like pls send em on over.

#I was gonna post this last Thursday but I couldn't figure out how to start it #Mei thursday #this is my persuasive essay on why Mei Thursday should be more popular #lmk #lmk mei #long xiaojiao #this was inspired by not finding a whole lot of Mei fics #also shoutout to whoever wrote and drew that samadhi fire Mei and Red Son comic on tumblr #bc that's the first thing I think of when it comes to good Mei art #can you tell spreadsheets drive me insane?

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demonsfate · 7 months

Note

This is me quoting my "gatekeeping Jin" post (it's still on my profile if you recognize who I am) by extending it with a few of my thoughts:

"Looks like a lot more people agree with me on this one than I thought.

Long story short: Jin is a good character who is now sadly a wasted potential (because of T6 atrocious OOC writing and what not) and I'm saddened by that. However, the hate and slander against him is getting boring and repetitive to the point where it's annoying and I frankly don't have any more fucks to give. You're free to dislike or hate him, but you won't change the others' persprective on him by saying what he did in T6 for milionth of time as if we don't know that already. Find a better hobby. Get fucking real.

And to my fellow Jin fans: keep strong, comrades. You have my back. ❤️"

But yeah, just adding my two cents to this conversation.

Yeah! I remember ya! Still an epic post.

And very good addition! I should really start ignoring it more, which I do try to... and I did for a while there. But sadly, the reveal of the first four minutes of 8 seemed to... reignite the flames and those people became even more vocal than before. And like, I get it, if you want Jin to not be redeemed or die or you hate his character, whatever. But it's when they start saying the more sillier comments is when it just irks me. I'm talking about the acting like Kazuya is a much better person than Jin, not acknowledging how Tek6 is indeed poorly written, or acknowledging it yet expecting Jin fans to just... accept it rather than continue liking the character for what he was and being critical of Tek6 and wanting to see his original characterization return. It's even more annoying when on my main blog, I make a gif set or post regarding him and I get people who say shit like "Jin deserves [bad things]" or bringing up "Jin started a war!!111!!!" Whilst, luckily, it's only a handful of people who do that on my posts - but stiiiiiiill annoying!!! Like I don't care!!!

I've almost gotten to the point where I just wanna say that I fully endorse Jin's actions in Tekken 6 and that I forgive him solely because he's too pretty to be mad at. BUT that'd be a little too petty and not really worth my time.

But like, that's why I also talk about it a lot here, rather than going to tags, or other posts, or on Reddit. Because there's just no reason for me to argue with people about it since it's really hard to change internet folks' minds, and I don't think most care to. They clearly just bash on him because they've never liked him as a character. So here I have a way of expressing my feelings without getting into pointless online arguments that go nowhere lol

It's always nice to know that even if there's a bunch of people who's annoying about this, at least there's other like-minded fans to understand and discuss the character with. :')

#✏️ - ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴅᴏ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡᴀɴᴛ ? // (inbox)#✏️ - ᴛʜᴇ ʜᴏsᴛ ᴡɪᴛʜ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴏsᴛ // (ooc)

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cyncerity · 3 days

Text

ok guys bit of a serious poll today.

don’t read if you don’t wanna think about or read about the controversy stuff rn (talking about mostly George and bringing up Wil a little bit)

i have a bunch of wips (like, a lot) that i’ve been looking to finish for a while. With my first year of college coming to an end next week (yippee!) i’ll hopefully have more time to write again and finish those. The downside here is that a significant amount of them involve someone who has had recent controversy. Not that one, but George’s.

If you wanna answer this poll without all the context (i’m physically incapable of writing a post without making it a wall of text), go right ahead, the tldr is that I believe the situation is extremely opinionated and there’s no right or wrong way to view it. With a community this size and the larger group of gnf fans so divided on how to feel, I feel it better to let you guys pick whether or not he should still be in stories.

context under the cut for those who wanna read everything before voting on the poll. I kinda wrote a lot tho so sorry lol

I wanted to give it time before I made this post given that unlike with the first situation, there are a lot more holes and a lot more nuance. I wanted to wait until both sides stated their cases and make my own decision from there. And in my opinion, this situation 1) should have been handled personally and 2) is entirely based on opinion. Both sides did right and wrong, but there isn’t a correct way to perceive this. Some people will believe one side while others will believe the other because the evidence presented can be taken in many ways. I know I personally lean one way, but this post isn’t about my own opinions.

I’m making this post to ask if people would still be ok with me using his character in stories. I’ll say it again: I haven’t really ever watched the DTeam so I do mean it when I say that I base what I write around a character and not him. I stopped writing for C!Wil because I am uncomfortable with writing his character interacting with the characters of people who have spoken against him, but so far most of George’s friends have defended him or stayed silent since this situation isn’t like Wil’s at all. It’s mostly all died down since both sides have moved on (i think?) knowing that they won’t agree on what happened.

I’ve already given my piece on You Know Who, and how numerous people spoke against him and many of his close friends dropped him. This post is not about him, I believe that there is no argument to be made for him. The facts are clear and the testimonies clearer: he is a bad person. As of right now and for the foreseeable future, I will not write him or his character, not unless he gets some serious help or makes some serious changes. I believe that people can change, but trust is easier destroyed than built. You shouldn’t forgive someone who doesn’t seek forgiveness.

anyway i know that this is a smaller community, so i wanna know how many people want me to just re-write things or feel uncomfortable with him in stories now. This isn’t asking if you think George is innocent or if you think he’s a bad person or anything like that, this poll has nothing to do with personal opinions of the situation itself. It’s simply asking if you would be uncomfortable with reading about his character because of the situation.

#serious post sorry #cyncerity #mcyt gt #mcyt g/t

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hidden-behind-the-fourth-wall · 9 months

Text

Love isn't something you just learn Commander. Part 2

Pairing: Commander Cody x F!Reader

Words: 14 536 (oopsie)

Warning: Angst, like A LOT OF ANGST, a description of violence, DEATH, a little bit of action, wouldn't call it a smut even. Fluff. Cody being an idiot. ANGST. Bur Fluff as well.

Summary: A lot has happened and Cody realised that maybe things change.

A/N: So it is not editted. I am sorry, maybe I will do it later. I just really wanted to post it :D And I'm not sure I am 100% with the ending. It feels rush. Maybe I will come back one day and re-write. But for now. ENJOY :)

P.S. My Tag List is open to yeah... :D

It was new and scary. The thought itself wasn't really welcoming. You were a stationed medic, not trained to be a field doctor. So when the request came in for you and your team to accompany the Troops on the next mission you weren't sure if that was just some silly mistake.

Of course you were promised to be secured as well as it was possible, but the thought itself wasn't really as welcoming as you'd like it to be. The War was scary and you weren't a soldier. Not one bit, and you never hid that.

"We need some medical support. What we have from the Clones army isn't enough", Obi Wan explained, hoping to find a common ground with you. "We work well with your team. You know Kix and our medic, so both the 212th and 501st would be able to cooperate well with you."

"We're not soldiers, Kenobi" you answered, looking at your closest medics. "Most of my team consists of civilians volunteering to help, with not even any medical background." You stopped and sighed deeply, feeling all the eyes on you. "Are we going to get any basic defense lessons?"

"The first mission starts in three days. We don't have time for that. Most of your people would stay behind as a background help. Only those with more medical experience would be put in front of the battles as a better equipped help." Saying that, his gaze was moved to his soldiers and nodded his head at them, making you frown. "I'm sorry Y/N", your brow raised hearing him say your first name. Manipulative son of a bitch. "I know, you didn't sign up for that, but…"

"I will talk to my people. It is their decision, alright?", he nodded understanding your point. "I will help as much as I can of course. I'm just…" you trailed off, feeling bashful all of a sudden. "I don't want to be a bother if it comes to it."

"You won't be, Doc, trust us." Cody spoke and you turned towards him. It has been almost a month since that fateful talk. You kept your promise to him to be adult about it and to your surprise Cody made sure you felt comfortable around him. What's more, he and you spent more time together than ever. At the beginning he would come for a check up, staying a bit later just to talk. Nothing special, nothing that would make any of you uncomfortable. But with time the two of you noticed that your conversations became more and more fun rather than essential. “We would still prefer to give at least a basic defense training for the medics that would accompany us into an actual field. You included.” You swallowed and nodded. No, you didn’t like that one bit. There was a solid reason why you decided to never become a soldier. You weren’t the physical type of person really. Always keeping your nose in books has made you averse to any physical activities. “Some of my people and a bunch of 501st guys will be happy to teach you guys some basics.” Despite Cody’s soft spoken words you were still not sure about it. But it was War and you promised yourself that you would help the Clones and the Jedi win it in any way possible.

“Let me talk to my team and I will let you know about the final size of the eventual group.” All of them nodded their heads. You could decide for your own, but your people’s lives weren’t yours and they had a right to decide. “I will accompany you, of course, but I will have to leave Garialth here to keep an eye on everything.” Kenobi wasn’t too happy about it, but he understood that someone must stay behind in case and if he was forced to choose, you were still the best possible option. “How much time does my team have to decide?”

“None, really” Rex interjected, sending you one of his apologetic looks. “Even if the smaller medic teams wouldn’t accompany us to the field, we still need to give them a basic military brief. And we leave tomorrow morning so…”

“Give me half an hour?” Rex smiled, thankful for your cooperation. “I need your word, Kenobi, that if any of my men decides to stay here, there will be no consequence.” The Jedi nodded and promised that nothing bad would happen. “And I want to have a way to contact all of the teams that will be made up from my medics.” Another nod and well, you had to give it to Kenobi. After all, he was a negotiator. “Half an hour.”

***

You were proud of your men. There were only a handful of them that didn’t want to join the Troopers. Most of them may have been civilians joining your team, but they have quickly become the true medic team of the War. Even Skywalker and Kenobi were surprised when you gave them the numbers. Yes, you were proud of your men, and even more afraid now. The more joined the field, the bigger probability that more would never come back.

“Come on, Doc.” Cody’s hand on your shoulder shifted your focus onto him. “I’m responsible for your training.”

“Excuse me?” You gaped at him, not believing what you were hearing. “For sure you have some better things to do than that!” He turned and looked at you with a raised brow. He sighed deeply and then you truly looked at him. He was tired, very tired. The rested man that left your hospital bed was long gone and the Cody you knew took his place. The blacks under his eyes were getting bigger, his face despite not showing any emotions gave away more to those that looked closely. You noticed the way he would look for a quiet place more than often, probably due to the headaches that were probably becoming an everyday occurrence in his life now. His sullen cheeks worried you a bit that you have already been taking care of. Whenever he would come to you for a caff or just a talk you always had something to eat. Whether it was something as stupid as a sandwich or even something sweet. But something more than ratio food.

“Keeping you and other medics safe is our priority now.” He smiled softly seeing the way you were looking at him. “Stop analyzing me.”

“I’m not” you pouted and chuckled when he raised his brow at you playfully. You rolled your eyes and sighed. “Fine, maybe I am. But can you blame me? You left my hospital looking shiny, like you came right from Kamino and not even a month later you are once again.. Well you…”

“Me?!” He laughed at that and you cursed the little butterflies in your stomach at that sound. It wasn’t often Cody would truly laugh, but when he did, it was the most beautiful sound and you swore you’d do anything just to hear him again. It was like an addiction, when you had it once, you wanted it always.

“You look tired Cody. I know you’re the Marshall Commander but when was the last time you actually rested? I can’t make you train me when I know you could spend that time resting.” He raised his brow at you and you stood your ground, knowing what he was doing. The bastard knew how imitating he was, but you were a head medic of the Coruscant Hospital. You weren’t one for intimidation. And so you crossed your hands and locked eyes with him, making him smirk.

“You are stubborn, has anyone ever told you that?”

“One or two of your brothers”, you shrugged and he rolled his eyes at that, making you smile.

“How about we go through the strategy for this mission, and while you revise it yourself I would close my eyes for a while?” You narrowed your eyes at him but obliged, happy with a somehow compromise. A simple “close my eyes” wasn’t what you initially was aiming for, but when it comes to Cody, you knew it was more than what you were able to get.

"Just a heads up, I'm a very slow reader!" The man chuckled and you were already forming a plan for him to rest as long as possible. Even if it meant reading the damn strategy briefing more times that it was logically necessary.

***

The sound of your angry groans was the only thing that could have been heard for a while now. No matter what you'd do, the damn thing wouldn't work as well as it did for Cody and the bastard seemed too smug about it.

"You won't become an A-class shooter after just an hour, Doc" the little smirk on his lip would normally bring a soft smile to your lips, but you were tired and annoyed. Nothing seemed to work. No matter how you stood, how high or low your arms were, or what direction your feet were facing, you were unable to shoot the damn target.

"Your breath is too hectic", he started, taking a stand next to you. His blaster at a perfect angle with his arm, the stance was just as he showed you, and his eyes never leaving the target. A perfect soldier shooting a perfect 10. "It's like you hate the solemn thought of holding a blaster." You looked at him and bit your lips nervously. He had a point, the first time he gave you the gun to hold, you could feel your hand shaking. You weren't a trained soldier. You were a medic, a doctor, and holding a gun was the last thing you wanted.

"I'm a medic, a doctor," you started, avoiding his eyes. It felt stupid. Here you were in front of a Marshal Commander, a man you lo… you look up to, looking all so weak and pathetic. "I swore to protect people not kill them." Cody frowned and sighed, ignoring the way you flinched at it a little bit.

He never thought of that. He knew training you wouldn't be easy, after all you weren't a trained soldier, bread for it. But he never truly comprehends that your complete lack of skill with a blaster would have another reason, other than just you being unable to do it. He would never have guessed that someone would just be opposed to even holding it and with an actually good reason.

"A gun isn't just for killing," he started, not sure how to go with it. He wasn't good with talks like that, Rex or even Fives would probably have a better go, but you were here with him and his job was to keep you safe. He wanted to keep you safe. And to do it, he needed you to learn the basics of self defense. "It can save people as well. This is how we do it, why we Clones use it." You raised your brow at him but looked at him giving that benefit of a doubt. "Killing is hard and the last result when it comes to humans. This is why the blaster has two options. To stunt and to kill. We may be machines made to win a war but we do not like killing any more than you or other civilians."

"You're not machines!" He smiled at your interruption. He would never admit, but his heart did skip a bit whenever you showed your protective side towards him and his brothers. He would never admit to it, but he liked the way your eyes shine with anger whenever someone spoke wrongly of Clones, he couldn't help but smile at the way your tone gets more serious and your feet stumble with a bit of anger, almost as if to emphasize your words. It's kind of childish, but he still adores it. He doesn't know when that happened, but whenever you speak and defeat them, his heart does this weird thing he never truly understood and he thinks he never will.

"Is that all you got from my speech?" His question, despite being serious, weighs some kind of cheekiness that only Cody would show. "Think of a gun like one of your scalpels and equipment you use to save our lives." He gave you the weapon back and you looked down at it, weighing it in your hand.

It was so warm. From that short time he held it it already became his. She felt different, like his touch on it took away the scary aspect of it. After all, if Cody could hold it and use it, it can't be that bad. Right ?

"How do you feel with a knife?" The question got you off guard. You raised your brow at him and smiled mischievously.

"I did cut you open nicely", your heart skipped a bit with his laugh and you were never more proud of yourself. Cody had one of the most beautiful laughs. Despite him being a clone, you were sure that you would be able to distinguish him from the others with that laugh alone. It was deep and soft at the same time, with that something in it, something mysterious.

"Maybe the gun isn't really your thing after all."

***

"So no knife either?" You felt like crying. Nothing worked. The knife was even worse than the blaster. With the latter, you were at least able to shoot remotely close to the target, with a knife… well it took Cody one simple move to take it away from you. You felt angry and embarrassed and you don't know when you started to cry. "Hey, Doc, are you alright?" The concern in his voice brought a quiet sob from you, which he didn't miss. His hand on your shoulder would have probably brought you comfort if you weren't so mad at yourself right now. "Did you hurt yourself?"

"I'm angry", you hissed, throwing away the knife and trying to get rid of the angry tears pouring down your cheeks. "I'm so damn furious at myself." He raised his brows and whether he knew or not, his hand tightened on your shoulder. "We're off on the first mission tomorrow and all I did for the past two days was waste your time. I'm so angry because I'm sure you had better things to do than babysit me around and teach me things I'm so terrible at. You tried so hard and here I am…" you looked up in alarm when you heard a chuckle coming from the man. You expect all the different reactions but not this.

"I'm sorry Doc, I really am… it's just" he composed himself and straightened sending you one of his soft smiles. "I thought you hurt yourself or I worked you off too much and here you are… gosh you really are adorable!" The both of you froze at his words.

From the way his eyes searched anything but you, it was obvious he did not plan on saying it. At least not saying it out loud. You looked away and bit your lip nervously. You must have misheard him, it was impossible that the Marshal Commander Cody saw you as adorable. But it was not the time for that. And so you did all you could to master the most neutral face, like you didn't hear it at all.

"You're tensed", he finally continued when he noticed that words he stumbled didn't have any effect on you. He wasn't sure if he was thankful for that or the complete opposite. "It's like you are already preparing yourself for failure." You rolled your eyes, trying to control your breathing once again. "Here." There was a millisecond of uncertainty, but he picked up your knife and walked behind you, handing you the weapon. "Take it and slowly take a deep breath. Try to feel it in your hand, but empty your mind. Do not associate it with anything rather than just a knife. A blade you used hundreds of times in your entire life." His gloved hand was on yours, the second one protectively on your other arm. "You're holding it so hard, I'm afraid you'll break it", you couldn't help but chuckle, despite the uncontrollable feeling in your stomach, when he moved closer and you could feel him almost leaning on you. "Take a deep breath, Doc. Breath with me. Come on", he turned you around and put your hand on his chest. Despite the inner happiness in seeing him in only his blacks, you really wished he had his chest plate now on. You could feel his muscles from the thin fabric and you did your best to focus on what he wanted you to do.

And so you closed your eyes and listened to the controlled beating of his heart. How his chest would move wu\ith such peace that you envied him for it. "Breath with me. In and out and repeat."

He smiled softly, feeling how you started to drum your fingers on his chest, almost looking for a rhythm that would relax you somehow. He would never guess that you were so stressed. He knew that feeling well. Having the lives of others on your back was enough to make your nights sleepless. Also the longer the War was taking, the more tired you would become, the more of his brothers would make your life more and more tiring. He knew and saw numerous times how you cared deeply for him and other Clones and he knew that whenever any of them didn't come back it hurt you more and more. And yet you never let it affect you. You always smiled and supported them. You were always there when he or the others needed you. You would send him to get some sleep, not caring about the oh so growing bags under your own eyes. You were way beyond tired, you were exhausted and yet here you were on a way to a mission you really could have said no to. However, you never even thought for a minute about yourself, your main priority was your man. You didn't think twice before saying yes, but your men’s lives weren’t yours to decide. You were not a soldier and yet you were stronger than anyone Cody knew. And he admired it, he watched you since his hospital visit and he couldn't take his eyes off.

In the beginning he would come and talk to you, because he felt bad for the way he reacted to your feelings. But the more he observed, the more time he spent with you, he learned to realize that he actually enjoyed that time. You were such a fun and interesting person, with a lot to talk about. And what he found himself to be waiting for yet another evening he would spend just with you. Talking about the War, politics and the situation of the medic teams. But also about your favorite planet, the language you both would like to learn, about the dish you'd like to try and things you'd never touch and how awful Kenobi's lack of any reason is. He found himself thinking what would you think of the last planet he was on. Would you enjoy it or would you hate it as much as he did. What he learned was that he didn't find it scary that he started to think of you more and more often. And that scared him the most.

"Now open your eyes and just do what I taught you." And to your surprise the knife actually hit the target. Maybe not the actual target per se, but it stuck into the oval plate, which was a much better outcome than the other tries before. You gasped surprised and looked up at Commander smiling widely. You were so excited about the outcome of your last throw that you didn't realize how close you were to the man. His hands were still on you, his body closer than before. "Good girl." He murmured and it was then you realized. The praise never left him before and it was so unexpected that you had to stiffen the little moan trying to escape. Was he doing it on purpose, did he know what he did to you? Could you even dream to think that maybe you had a small effect on him as well? "Now let's see if that would work on the blaster as well." He took a step back and removed his hands from yours, putting the practice blaster in the same place the knife was just seconds ago. "Just like you did before take a deep breath."

You tried your best to concentrate and remember the feeling just before you threw the knife. But your mind was blank,completely. Your body felt cold and stiff again and you missed it. Miserably. You looked away afraid to see disappointment in his eyes.

"Again", you flinched a little bit, unsure if it was the Commander voice he used on you now, or you were just being paranoid. "Relax, Doc. You're stiff and awkward again. Take a deep breath, just like I showed you."

You weren't sure what it was that made you say it. Was it the overwhelming feeling or failure that you wanted to end. Or just a reminder of his hands on yours, the dream you know that would never come true. The reminder of him behind you, so close that could feel his heartbeat. The same heart you saved weeks ago. The heart of the man you were so desperately feeling in love with and you couldn't help it.

"Would you remind me, please?" Cody's eyes widened, hearing your quiet and soft question. You still weren’t looking at him, but he was sure to see your cheeks getting this adorable color of pink. It's not that Cody isn't familiar with women, hell no. He had enough adventures with them when he went to the 79's. But these were emotionless, he always knew what to expect. A night of fun and release and a goodbye before the sunrise. A one night stand. Nothing more, nothing less. But despite it all, he knew when a woman flirted with him. And despite the women in the club being more forward, he was sure that little question was not innocent. Not when you yourself were so flustered.

He felt divided when he stood behind you. He knew that he shouldn't, he didn't want to give you hope that anything could happen between the two of you. He knew he was becoming soft on you, but you weren't like those girls in the club. He didn't want to use those feelings of yours as a way to release his stress. You were so much to him already. So much more than he would dream to accept.

But the other part of him was pulling him towards you. It wanted to be closer to you, to be touched by you and show the most vulnerable parts of himself, he never showed anyone, not even his closest brothers. He wanted to get to know you more and more. And not only on the physical level but the emotional as well, and as scary as it was it was most importantly thrilling. And the more time he spent with you the more time he realized the second voice always won.

And so he grasped your arm in one of his hands, turned you around and pulled you towards him in a way that your back was pressed against his chest. The hand on your arm traveled down to your hand holding the blaster, changing its position to make sure you held it correctly. His other hand was hovered over your hip. "Relax, mesh’la" you shivered slightly hearing his voice so close to your ear. You swallowed hard and did what he asked, ignoring the Mando word you were sure you've heard before in your life. "There, good girl!" Now you were almost sure he was doing it on purpose. There was no way that he was as cruelest as that. You felt so warm and no matter how much you tried, you felt heat on your cheeks and your mouth was getting drier and drier. "Good, deep breath. Close your eyes for a second and relax." You followed his instructions and smiled, actually relaxing with his touch. He smelled amazing as well, like pinetree forest. So fresh and natural and so when you opened your eyes and shot, you actually hit the little disk not too far away from the target.

He turned you around and smiled softly at you. The kind of smile you have never seen. You could see it in his eyes how proud he was of you right now. His other hand joined the first one in your hip and he pulled you closer, closing the distance between the two of you even more. His eyes shifted to your lip and you swallowed, unable to look away from this beautiful, amazing man. As you were about to pull him down by his neck, the loud beeping pulled you two away from each other.

"General", his tone lacked the softness and he was back to being the Commander of 212th. "Yes, we are done here." You felt a weird twist in the stomach when he didn't look at you. "She'll manage when it's necessary", you looked away from him and put the gun away, the feeling getting nastier every second. "Yes, sir. I'm coming" He ended the call and without giving you even a look, walked to his armor and put it on quickly, including the helmet. "Practice what you learned alone. I will send Boil to supervise your progress" and he left, leaving you completely dumbstruck. Without even a glance back, the doors closed behind you and you felt tears in your eyes.

What the hell just happened? There were so many questions in your head now and you weren't sure, you were able to find an answer to any of them. Were you too forward with the request ? If you were, why didn't he say anything? It was him, who pulled you closer, it was him that gave you that look. It was his hand on your hips and it was his smile that lured you towards him. And despite knowing it all, you still felt as if you screwed up. You were standing there searching for a reason why he just left, moving you to someone else, as you were an incompetent shiny.

You cursed when tears started to fall. Why did he just leave? Did he hate you now ? Did you read the room wrong ? The more you thought about it, the more you felt your heart breaking. You thought, damn that, you hoped, that maybe you two were getting closer. You never expected him to return your feelings. You just wanted to be his friend. You just wanted him in your life. And somehow, not even sure how, you screwed it all up.

It was stupid of you to think that someone like Cody would ever be interested in you. You were just one of the medics, working for GAR. There was nothing special about you. You weren't even able to use a blaster. How would you even think, the Marshal Commander would spare you any time. You should have been happy that he spent his precious time with you. Something you were sure that you have lost.

And so, you followed his order. An order of the Marshal Commander of the Republic army. You calmed yourself down and practiced, to make sure that you wouldn't bother anyone.

***

"You look angry" Rex was looking at his vod with concern in his eyes. "You seemed optimistic with the plan on the debrief."

"It's a good plan." Cody answered shortly, taking a sip of caff, or whatever the hell that was supposed to be.

"Then what's going on?" The Commander sighed and hid his face in his hands, unable to even explain it. He was angry at himself. So damn frustrated, that he let himself go when it came to you. He acted like a damn shiny. It was stupid, but he knew what he wanted at that moment. He wanted you, so damn much. He wanted to taste you in all the ways possible. He wanted to feel those soft hands on his skin, he wanted to hear you say his name. He wanted you. And that was the stupidest thing he did, even worse than getting drunk with Wolffe that one night, and that was stupid already.

"Nothing. I just have to get my head straightened to focus on the mission", the captain raised his brow in surprise. Cody was always focused on the mission. Rex hasn't met anyone as serious about the War as Cody was. So whatever got him distracted must be huge. "I have to focus on what's really important."

"You spend too much time with General Kenobi… you start talking in the same mysterious ways" the Commander chuckled softly and took another sip from his cup, hating it even more than the first one. What he wouldn't do for a cup of an actual caff. He would have to definitely go see Fox after that mission. The bastard was one lucky son of a bitch. Sure he had to work below Palpatine, but he had the best caff.

"Have you ever thought about something more?" The question surprised both of them. Cody wasn't sure if it was the tiredness and lack of sleep that pushed him to start the topic, or just the fact that he felt worse and worse everytime he remembered the look on your face when he just left.

"More than what? That piss they dare call caff?

"You know what I mean Rex’ika" the captain of course knew what his brother meant. But he was still working out the surprise of the question itself. Cody was a dedicated soldier, one of, if not the best one out there. And here he was, asking about the alternative future. Something more than being a soldier. "What if there is more and we're just too afraid to take it?"

"We're soldiers, Clones… we are at War. I won't lie to you and say that I never thought of what it would be like to have a family one day. To wake up to a nice warm body wrapped around me and not wonder about the awkwardness of the morning after." He chuckled nervously. "But I'm aware that those are dreams of common men, and we, my friend, are not common men." He hated to see the way Cody shoulders dropped a bit at his words. But he preferred to be honest with him straight away than to give him a false hope that would break him even more, later on. "So I'm guessing the training was eventful?"

It was Cody's time to chuckle nervously, sadly even, which didn't go unnoticed by Rex. It wasn't a surprise to Rex about your feeling towards his Vod, and he may have heard of the rejection you got from the said man. So it was surprising to see when Cody has started to spend his time with you, more often than not. And he was more than surprised when it was the Commander that volunteered to train you for the upcoming mission. Rex worried it would only make things more complicated, but he never thought it would turn out like that. With Cody falling for the sweet Doctor. If they weren't Clones, during the War, he would have found the situation hilarious. If only.

"Boil is going to train her that last day" Rex' eyes widened at Cody's words and tone. "I need to focus on the strategy and the briefing. I don't have time to babysit. "Not waiting for a response, the Commander stood and left the kitchen, hoping to get at least a bit of sleep.

Rex was staring at the closed doors unable to comprehend what just happened. But whatever did happen between the two of you must have scared the man quite a bit, seeing how he decided that running away from his problems and putting down the emotional barrier was the only way to go. Rex only hoped that it would not affect you that much.

***

Boil was an excellent teacher. He was patient and fun to be around. He gave you some tips for when you have to shoot and you don't have time to think. Or he gave you an idea to hold the knife differently. Of course he didn't make a soldier out of you in a day, but you were more than thankful to him for the support. You still felt nervous now, sitting at the briefing room, but you kind of felt like you would be able to do something. He also made sure you trained hard enough not to think of Cody.

Cody, the same man, who was standing near the table covered in plans, who was ignoring your presence. It was like you didn't exist. Like that little scene between the two of you never happened. Like all that relationship you worked so hard in maintaining just seemed to cease. It broke your heart, seeing how he bluntly ignored you, not even daring looking your way.

"You with us, Doc?" You blinked a couple of times, turning your attention towards Kenobi, who was relying on the brief for the mission.

"My people are ready, whenever you need us." You started, walking closer to the map, stopping as far away from Cody as possible. "My technical team will be stationed here", you pointed at one of the caves about half a click from the main medical base and about a click from the main battle front. “Kix' team will support my guys there and have some moving men between those two places." You circled around the spots you talked about. "This will give us a good flow of pace. Team Alpha and Beta will be placed under both you General and Skywalker as medical support for the Clones teams." You paused and looked at the two Jedi with nothing but seriousness in your eyes. "Please remember I put these men's lives into your hands, Masters. I trust I won't have to focus on writing any apology letters to their families." This was one of the points you brought up regarding the mission. Your men would be as safe as it was possible. "Ceavis and I will lead two small teams closest to the Generals and focus on first aid and logistics. Each team will consist of 4 men plus the leaders. What we say, goes. Understood?" You were sure you noticed a smirk on both Rex' and Ashoka's lips. But no one dared to say anything but to nod.

This mission was one of the most important ones yet. Two objectives during one assault. One team would focus on the fighting and defending objective. Keeping the army as far away from the separatists' base as possible. And that mission fell on the more offensive 501st. The other one would be responsible for saving the political prisoners and getting the stolen information back to the Republic - fallen under the responsibility of the 212th. This was why the medic team was needed. There was no time to retreat and help the injured back in the base. The base would have to move with them and help those that would still be working, hoping to minimize the casualties.

"Doc, you keep with me and Cody." You tensed a bit, unable to hide it away from the Jedi, who only raised his brow. "We will listen to you regarding the medical knowledge and expertise, but Cody here is responsible for you, so you listen to him. Understood ?" He mimicked your words with a lace of joke in his voice. You nodded looking at the Commander, who was still looking at the map, memorizing it to the last detail.

You couldn't blame him, you knew that. He was focused on the mission and the War and keeping his brothers alive. But it still hurt you that he bluntly ignored you, like you were some kind of disease. It hurts you to be able to see the softness in his eyes and feel it on your skin and so absurdly be punished for it. You never expected anything from him, and you told him that, and for just one moment you felt so happy and full. So full and finally able to breathe when he looked at you with those eyes of his. Like you were the only thing in the world at that short moment, like you were a magnet pulling him towards you. And then it was over, it ended sooner than it actually started and he wasn't even able to look at you.

"Don't worry, Kenobi. I know my place." You didn't mean it to sound as hurt as you did, but it did make Cody finally look at you. He frowned, but didn't say anything. Putting his helmet on, he left the room, telling his General he's off to double check everything.

"So…" you looked at Rex who walked to your side. You were thankful it was him and not Kenobi, or worse, Anakin. "Will you at least tell what my di’kut of a brother did?" You couldn't help but smile softly at the Captain. You weren't sure if Cody spoke to him about what happened… on the other hand you would like to know yourself what happened.

"Getting rid of any interruptions." The Clone raised his brow at that and sighed. He was afraid, whatever Cody started talking about, was more what he originally thought. And seeing the way you both reacted to each other, Rex knew that whatever you worked so hard to build, was somehow destroyed. And he couldn't get the feeling off his chest, that it was somehow his brother's fault. "It's my fault really. I was stupid enough to hope that whatever was building between us was something more than a typical professional relation." And before Rex was able to say anything, you left the briefing room, hoping he would have missed that single tear that dropped down your cheek.

***

"I hope you know I don't like it one bit" Ceavis growled under his breath, preparing for the upcoming mission. Ceavis was your third in command and as much as you appreciated his work and knowledge, you and him were never truly friends. You both had too different characters and a completely different look on the world and your jobs.

"Yes, you mentioned that once or twice", you rolled your eyes at his tone and sighed. You were in no mood to listen to his constant negativity. It was the last thing you and your men needed. You knew it wasn't a good idea, but the decision has been made. "I'm not sure which team would actually be a better and safer option." You stared at him for a while, waiting for him to at least start packing the essentials, but apparently he had all the time in the world, while you were repacking for the fifth time already.

You didn't know how Kix did it. You were only allowed a small backpack, enough to keep you alive, but not enough to actually do anything productive. It scared you, the thought that you had to choose from the essentials, that the Clones had to choose like that every damn mission.

"Master Skywalker and the 501st's team will be much bigger, that's why I'm sending you there." You started, trying to control the annoyance in your voice. "You and Enya will focus on firming two formations. Let Enya handle the stay put one, while you take the teams and get the help directly to the soldiers. Your team got the basic training right ?" He nodded visibly, not happy with the way you still wanted to go with the mission. You wonder why he even agreed to come. "Anakin knows that the lives of my people are his priority. He wouldn't want to get under my skin, so whenever you feel like the mission is out of the hands of the 501st speak with Rex and Anakin." You got a nod from him and you turned to leave the room. "We are part of something bigger here, Ceavis, try to remember that", and not giving him any time to respond you left, going to meet up with your team.

***

"Is there any reason for this weird energy between you and Doc?" Cody frowned at his General. He should have known Kenobi would have picked up any unusual behavior. "I thought you were becoming close."

"Too close", the Commander answered, before he was able to think of the words coming out of his mouth. He sighed at the Jedi's raised brow and continued. "We're at War, General. It would be irresponsible to get attached to anyone."

"You don't mind the relationship you share with me and your brothers."

"This is different, sir!" Cody murmured, knowing well enough what the man next to him was trying to do.

"Well I hope so, I'm really not good at dealing with romantic feelings" Cody's head snapped at him, his eyes widened and mouth opened almost as if he was ready to fight with his General, but nothing came out. "Whether you're blind or really afraid. Frankly I never considered you a coward and for the success of the mission I hope there's nothing wrong with your eyesight." The Clone swallowed hard and the Jedi smiled. "What's really the matter, my dear ?" Cody hated it when he used these words of affection. He would never be able to say no to his Jedi, and he hated the fact that the general had such power over him. With nothing more than some words.

"I don't really know myself. Before I knew it, I started to actually enjoy her company. She's smart, witty, interesting and…" He coughed awkwardly, playing with his helmet. "She's really pretty." He looked away, hearing the Jedi chuckle softly. "I felt bad at the beginning. I never had anyone declare their love for me and I didn't want her to get hurt. I hoped that if I tried to stay friendly she wouldn't feel bad. But the more time I spent with her the more I thought of her." He shook his head in annoyance and kept on playing with the helmet. "The last couple of days, when I trained her… I know not every Jedi believes we’re nothing but the weapon for the Republic, but it's still weird to hear it from civvies." He scratched his neck nervously, feeling his Jedi's eyes on him. "She sees us. Like really sees us and I can't help but wanting to see her as well. She cried angry tears because she thought she was a burden to me." He chuckled, but got serious again with the flashbacks. "I never felt such a pull towards anybody. I wanted to comfort her not as a Commander, but as a man. Her man." He clenched his hands around his helmet and closed his eyes. "I… you called when I almost …egh.. you know."

"Kissed her", Kenobi helped him out, laughing at the way his Commander stared at him. It was like he said something in a line of taboo. Obi Wan could not help but admit that it was adorable to see the always stoic Commander, all flustered with a thought of kissing someone.

"I'm starting to realize why the Jedi opt for no emotions involved." Cody started again, making the Jedi frown again. "I asked Boil to train her after that and we haven't really spoken… I'm trying to ignore her, because if I'm near her, all I think about is her going on that mission with us. And the thought that something may happen to her paralyzes me to the ground. It's pathetic isn't it?"

Kenobi smiled softly at the man and patted him on the shoulder. It wasn't a secret to him that you were utterly in love with the man, but it was new to see the Clone smitten with you, especially after he rejected your feelings in the first place. He knew the way others looked at the Clones, and he would lie if he said he wasn’t angry whenever someone said something bad about them. For the General, his Commander and his brothers were as much human as he or anyone in the Galaxy and they deserved the respect for protecting the Republic. So whenever he went out with his battalion to 79th, he truly enjoyed seeing them relaxed and flirty with the girls. And it wasn't a secret that he saw Cody as more than his Commander. He was happy to call him a friend and right now, he couldn't help the happy feeling in his stomach seeing Cody in love with his other friend.

"It's not pathetic, Cody. It's childish that you ignore her, yes." He grinned at the angry look from the Clone but continued nevertheless. "But definitely not pathetic. We Jedi see more and feel stronger. So much stronger than anyone in the Galaxy. To control those feelings we opt for these no attachment rules. But it's not like we don't feel. Feeling makes you human. It makes you act faster and stronger to protect those that you care about. You are a great soldier, my dear, and there is not doubt in me that the mission will be a success, even when you worry so deeply for our Doctor." The Clone smiled softly and nodded. "Love isn't easy and it doesn't always end well, but running away from it may be the most stupid mistake you'd made in your life. If you care for her, talk to her. Tell her how you feel, but for the love of the Force, don't ignore her. You'll only hurt yourself and her even more." He ended at the same moment when your team was slowly getting hungry. "Trust me, my friend. Life is to short for regrets."

***

"I want to set a camp of some kind in here" you stated, showing a place that was supposed to be abandoned, not too far away from the final destination, but far enough that the medics would have time to fall back. "If you need a medic to come with you, I volunteer, Boil and Commander Cody have trained me enough not to be a bother. Aila will stay and take command over the camp." The young girl nodded, already hearing the plan from you, before you presented it to the battalion. "Cath has also agreed to go if you decide to split during the mission. This would give a total of four medic in the move-in team, which is more than enough." You looked at Cath, a young man who, as one of few, had some experience with blasters.

"Sounds good to me" Kenobi started, looking at his Commander who was still looking at the holomap, a frown on his face. He didn't like the fact that you so willingly wanted to go with them, but he knew if it was anyone else he would have agreed to a good plan. You were the best medic he knew and it would be a stupid ass decision if he declined your help, especially that it was what he trained you for.

"It sounds good. Having a small camp will help in case we would need to fall out and go in a smaller group." He nodded, more and more impressed with your planning skills. It made him a bit at ease, when he knew you were prepared for that mission. "The entry to the building seems like a labyrinth, it would be a good idea to divide the teams right now, to save time later."

"I'll take the lead with the first team, you can have the other team." Kenobi started looking at Cody, who nodded in agreement. "I want to see what Cath is capable of." He didn't miss his Commander's eyes on him and he knew there would be a stern talking about it later on. He bit down a chuckle at that. "You and Doc work well together, are you OK with that ?"

"Yes, sir!"

"Sure, Kenobi", both of you answered at the same time, not daring to look at each other. Working well with each other. You almost scoffed how untrue that was at the moment. You probably would if Cody would have enough guts to look at you… and well, if you weren't such a coward yourself. But this was a mission, no personal attachment was prohibited and you had to hide the hurt you felt. And shame. It was the second time you let the same man break your heart. He didn't even have to do much, his ignorance was enough for you to bring tears in your eyes at night. But it was in the past, nothing was more important than the present. And right now you had to work together to make sure the mission went smoothly.

"Alright! We move out in ten, get ready!" Everyone around turned and was ready to follow the Jedi into the ship, already prepared for the upcoming mission. You did the same, turning to leave when you felt a hand on your wrist stopping you.

"Can we please talk?" You raised your brow wanting nothing more to just walk away and tell him there was nothing to talk about. But your stupid heart made you stop and nod at the Clone. "I must apologize. What I did in the training room was a mistake." So two was not enough. He just broke your heart the third time. A mistake - that closeness, that softness in his eyes, the touch of his hands on you. It was all a mistake. "I should not have gotten so close. I… I mean there is a mission and I think we should both focus on that right now." He tried to make the last two words stand out, but the nervousness made it only sound harsher than he ever intended.

"I understand", his eyes widened at your affirmation and he seemed to relax a bit, until he actually looked at you and his heart broke just a little. Your expression was emotionless, your eyes had no life in them, like you didn't care about anything. "You don't have to worry, that mistake won't happen again." He voluntarily flinched at your monotone voice and the repeat of his own words. Somehow, hearing them from you, felt foreign, painful. "The mission is a priority, Commander." And then you left him alone in that empty briefing room. Feeling worse than he has ever felt before.

***

The planet was a nightmare. Whenever you stood, you could hear someone fighting. It was like a war zone on the whole damn planet. You tried to ignore the dead bodies of locals, just left there. Forgotten by everyone, like a bag of trash forgotten, when it wasn't needed anymore.

"We divide here." Kenobi started, looking at your team, as if encouraging you. You sent him a small smile, which je reciprocated with a firm nod. "Cody, I will let you know when we get the data back, I'm awaiting your response when it comes to the situation at your sector."

"Yes, sir !" The Clone turned towards your group and showed the small map from the holopad. "We will focus on that road here. It's a recon mission from us. If we can avoid the fight we will. 501 has that covered." You couldn't help but smile at his tired tone, when he mentioned Anakin's division. "We may encounter local forces there. If you have to fight, if you don't, capture them. Reckon! Everyone gets it?” A chorus of yes sirs was heard and the men scattered to get into the position. “Stay close to me, Doc.” You turned, after hearing his voice. Despite the command in the tone, you could see a vulnerability in his eyes. You didn't understand where that came from, but you nodded.

You weren’t about to be a bother to him. You have decided. The moment that mission is over, you will come back to your hospital and regain that professional relationship Cody was so fixated about. The last thing you wanted was to make his life any more difficult than it already was. You desperately hoped to become his friend. Someone who would be able to help him whenever he would have been in need. But he wasn’t looking for a friend. You realized he was just being nice. A good, old Cody. Always the gentleman. All this talk the two of you had was some kind of an apology from him for turning you down. And that thought was making you want to break down and cry right here right now.

“Boss” you heard Aila’s voice in your right ear and turned to commlink on. “The camp is set up and we have divided work throughout our stuff and the Clones.” You smiled at her words and nodded at Cody who looked your way, as if to confirm that all is fine.

“Good! Make sure that you’re aware of both your surroundings and the medical stuff. Try to divide it into small teams as we discussed. Get Grail and Tylie focus on the equipment. The rest make sure you show off to those Clones. We can’t be worse than them.” You ignored the chuckle from the Commander and smiled at the one from the girl on the base. You believed in your men, your medics were the best and you weren’t being subjective. You trained them well, and you trusted them with your life. All you could do was boost their morale as much as possible. Even with some stupid jokes like that. “If anything happens let me or Commander Cody know.”

“Boil and Waxer have already instructed us on the military shit.” The girl laughed at the two Clones that were left behind as a support. “You be safe, OK, boss? I need a raise and I won’t get it, if you don’t come back.” You laughed at that and turned off the comm, when you walked into the tunnel.

“Focus now. Blasters out, get them into stun mode and keep your heads up.” Cody muttered, turning on the light on his helmet. “And remember we only kill the damn clanckers.” You followed his order, getting your blaster out. You could almost hear your heart beating, with how loud it was getting. You tried your best to control your breathing but it was getting more difficult the further you went into that tunnel. The damn gun was also much heavier than it was during the practice. You noticed how your hand shook a bit when you lifted the blaster slightly. This was ridiculous. You shouldn’t be this nervous, you knew what you were getting yourself into. It’s too late to change your mind. Survive this and you can come back to your patients and white walls of your hospital.

“I won’t let anything happen to you.” Cody whispered softly, seeing the way your hands were shaking. He wasn’t surprised to see your nervous state. Despite being an amazing doctor, you were just a civilian, that was always as far away as possible from the battlefield. All this must be terrifying for you. Not only were you afraid for your own life, but knowing you, you were also thinking of your team. Always the caring one. “Do you trust me?” He didn’t know where that question came from. He wasn’t supposed to focus on any kind of conversation with you. His job was to observe and act as quickly as possible. Not have an existential dialogue, with the woman he was annoyingly falling for. This should be left for after the mission. And yet here he was, trying his best to make you feel better.

“Yes”, the certainty in your voice made his heart skip a beat. He didn’t expect you to answer so quickly and with such confidence. He looked down and smiled softly seeing the way you were completely focused on your surroundings. ‘Good girl’, he thought to himself.

“Good, then we have nothing to worry about”, she smiled softly and he felt lighter seeing that little lip quirk. He felt proud for making you feel at least a little bit at ease.

“Commander!” He stopped, motioning to others to stand by. “Its Vice here. We are at some kind of door, about half a click from your position. We can check it out, or should we wait for you?”

“Wait for us.” He commended, signaling others to move again. “All the medics are here with us, in case something happens no one will be able to help you. Stand down, and wait, Tropper.” A soft yes, sir was the last thing Cody heard and he took some extra, longer steps to get where his men are. He could hear how you already contacted the CLone medic for this team, to be ready. Well, there go the nerves.

“Isn’t it too quiet, Commander?” If they were in any other situation, he would have hated the way you addressed him. But it was the mission, and he was telling himself you were just being professional. Something he should focus on as well. “I may be paranoid, but…”

“It’s possible that the real action will start after we open those doors Vice told us about”, he answered but couldn’t get rid of the nasty feeling in his stomach. He actually did feel the same as you. You all walked for 15 minutes now and nothing was going on. Not only you haven't missed anything, but there was no one waiting for you. “General”, he finally spoke to his comm, when they stopped at the doors with Vice by his side. “Do you read me?”

“Loud and clear, Cody.” hearing as Kenobi answered almost automatically it seemed that nothing was happening on his side. “Something doesn’t smell nice in here.”

“Same here, Sir.” He murmured and signaled for his men to take position. “ We are at the doors. We will open them and see where it gets us. Has General Skywalker been in touch”

“The 501st are having the time of their lives right now, from what I heard.” You couldn’t help but chuckle softly at his sarcastic tone. “But Anakin didn’t sound like he was complaining.”

“Nothing new then”, Cody commanded and the General hummed softly. I will contact you in 15 minutes. If you don’t hear from me or anyone on the team, please assume the worst.”

“Same here, Commander. Stay safe!” And that was it. No commands from the General to the Commander. There was no need. Obi Wan trusted Cody completely and the Clone Commander knew that well. That trust went both ways.

“Ok, on count to three, Howl, open up that damn door.” raising his hand, he started to count down from three and when he closed the fist, you expected some kind of commotion, a boom or a blaster fire from the other side. But once again nothing was there. One part of you was happy that nothing has happened yet, but the second part knew that there was something fishy in here. “Move, move. Keep your eyes open, but let's keep on moving. Instinctively you moved closer to Cody, after his instructions, your fingers tightening on the blaster just a little more.

“The sensor shows around 50 people a click away from here”, Guts reported, showing the screen to Cody. So the intel was correct. There were people being held captive. “There are kids as well.” He nodded and looked down at you. You nodded, understanding. The moment they got there, it was your job to get to those poor people and help those that were in need. Your other, free fist clenched around your bag, ready for the action.

“General. We have sensed 50 lives a click away from us. We are ready to move in. We will meet you at the rendez-vous point, when we can.” He frowned when there was no response. He tried again, and again, but the line was quiet. “Howl, Vice, Doc, try your comms and contact the General.” You all did as he asked, but the outcome was the same. Silence.

“Shouldn’t we help them?” You asked and he looked at you, shaking his head.

“They may have encountered the enemy. We should finish our mission here and then help them.” You wanted to argue. What if they were ambushed, what if they needed our help but couldn’t contact us, what if… “You said you trust me, Doc.” You looked at him and frowned, when he took off his helmet. “Then trust me on this one. And let’s finish our first mission together.” You opened your mouth to respond, but couldn’t find any words. You did trust him. And his judgment. And so you nodded, closing your eyes to relax.

“Ok boys, let’s get this done and go help the General.” They all cheered and you all got ready to storm the place down, unable to hear the quiet rumble from the General in your ear. A silent “it’s a trap” that would later on be a constant nightmare to those that somehow survived.

***

All you could hear was the ringing in your ears. You tried opening your eyes, but you felt as if they were all too heavy. The air felt polluted and heavy all of a sudden. Your head, and that damn ringing wasn’t helping the migrene that was forming, quicker than you liked to admit. Something wasn’t right. But you were still too out of it to realize what was happening.

“Doc!!” you must be dreaming, because you are sure, you hear that soft voice of the commander near you. But for some reason he sounded so worried, almost scared. If that was even possible. You so desperately wanted to keep on dreaming. To have him speak to you in that same soft manner. With his hand on your cheek. This dream was what you wanted for so long and so you closed your eyes and focused on sleeping. “No, no, open those eyes. Come on, sweet girl! Look at me!” He never called you that. Those sweet words were like honey to your ears and you wanted to listen. But you were afraid that if you did, you would wake up and be met with reality. “You have to wake up, damn! Come on!” The pain in your stomach, however, brought you back to reality. With a gasp you sat down and opened those heavy lids, squinting, when the dust was getting into them. “Thank the Maker!”

You looked around and stiffened seeing the scene. If it was only biologically possible, you were sure, your heart just stopped beating right at that moment. You were used to blood and suffering and screams of pains, but what you were now surrounded by was more like Hell. It was how you imagined it to be.

“Don’t look!” it made you look up at him for the first time, since you opened your eyes. He didn’t have his helmet, there was a trickle of blood flowing down his handsome face. There were cuts on his cheeks and his always well-kept hair was a total mess now. He looked awful, and yet you still find him so incredibly handsome. “Focus those pretty eyes on me, OK?” You frowned and tried to look around again, but he stopped your head with his hand on your cheek. His forehead resting on yours, making your breath hitch at the proximity. “I need to get you out of here.”

“Cody”, you started but hissed when you tried to move. You looked down at the source of pain and your eyes widened. Your shirt was no longer white and one of Cody’s hands was pushing on the spot there, trying to stop the flow as much as he could. “What happened?” You asked quietly but he only shook his head and you released that he was shaking slightly. “Cody… Are you… Are you OK?” You were slurring a bit, but you had to make sure. He had a cut on his head. You needed to check on it, to make sure he didn’t have a concussion.

“I need to stop that fucking bleeding and I will be just fine, Mesh’la!” He said, pushing on that wound of yours, making you scream in pain. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please, please tell me what to do!”

“I need to help others first. Need to take a look at your head!” You looked around again and a shocked sob escaped your lips, when you finally realized what surrounded you. Masses of motionless bodies, laying in the most bizarre positions. Some crushed by the rocks, some not even full. You weren’t sure if you were even able to locate the part of each of the bodies, to try to put them back together? What for? You didn’t know. Not like those Clones had families that would like to bury them. They all died here with their family. All of them, from what you saw. All these men that accompanied you here, were lying dead in front of you. And not just them. In the further part of the corridor you could see bodies of the civilians you came to save. Men, women, kids. Even babies. All dead, buried under the rocks, with blood pouring through the leaks of those rocky walls.

You tried to look away but you couldn’t. Even Cody’s hand on your face didn’t work this time. Your eyes were following each of the bodies surrounding you. A young man holding a woman in his arms. A child separated from his mother. A young woman with dreams cut so drastically. And your whole squad. Those men you loved so much and cared for. You tried to scream when you noticed Vice’s body laying not too far away from you. But you couldn’t as no sound left your lips. He just laid there, still in his armor. If you truly wanted, you could imagine, he was just resting. If you only shook him a bit, maybe he would wake up and smile at you.

You looked at Cody again, when you heard him calling you by your first name. You couldn’t remember if he ever did that? He did use your last name once or twice, but normally stuck with Doc. Until now, you weren’t sure he even knew your name. You chuckled to yourself, but caught when the pain was back, You gasped and almost fell back, if not for Cody keeping an eye on you.

“I know you worry about everyone. But please, Doc. We have to take care of you first.” Oh, yeah you were bleeding. The adrenaline was wearing off and you did start to feel it all. You tried to take a deep breath and relax a bit. You knew that if you let yourself, you will get into a panic attack mode, and that was not good for your heart. And then Cody would have to take care of even more than he does now. Poor guy. He did not sign up for this. You weren’t supposed to be a bother. No to him. No… You shook your head slightly, trying to get back to the topic at hand.

“As the bleeding isn’t exceeding, it means you did a good job and left whatever is there blocking it?” Speaking was getting more and more difficult, but you needed to instruct your commander what to do. You wouldn’t do it to him. You won’t just die, and leave him be. Alone in that Hell you found yourself in. “Don’t take it out even if I go into shock and ask you to do it, got it?” He nodded and still kept the pressure on the wound. “As I’m still able to actually think it means, I wasn’t out for too long and haven’t lost that much blood yet.”

“No… It all happened about 5 minutes ago.” You nodded and slowly sat up, easing your breathing with every second. It all meant one thing. You were probably in the second class of hemorrhagic shock, which wasn’t that bad. You did feel anxious, but the total confusion hasn’t come yet. “I’m not sure if we're actually safe here, so I would prefer to move you…”

“No”, you stopped him, mid sentence, shaking your head. “Any sudden move will lead me to bleed out. We need to stop that blood coming out of my body before anything else.”

“And how do we do that?” You clenched your hand around something, which you later on realized it was Cody’s thigh, you were holding on. But he didn’t seem to mind at all, not even caring that you would probably leave some bruises there.

“My bag”, you said softly, realizing that what you’re about to offer will be a hell on its own. But either that or bleeding out on your first ever mission. And that was just sad. “You will have to…” A cough stopped you and you cursed feeling a metallic taste in your mouth. Not good, very not good. “You will have to act fast. OK?” He nodded and he opened your back. To your surprise nothing broke there and you happily found what you were looking for. A pair of gloves, a bottle with a silver nitrate solution, you were so glad you decided to prepare. Some swabs, bacta patches and hemostatic dressings that should help the bacta to do the trick.

“Ok, some pay back for sticking my hands into your chest.” He raised his brow and smiled softly, happy to see you still had enough energy for some silly jokes. “First of all, put the gloves on. Then prepare some swabs and then after removing that thing in my body, you will pour the…”

“You just told me not to remove it”, he countered and you sigh, giving him a stern look. You didn’t have the energy to do any of it. You were slowly getting into class three of shock that wasn’t good.

“You will pull that out of me and pour that bottle’s continent on the wound. Do not stop even If I cry and scream. You need to pour at least half of it. You need to do that the second the thing is out of my body.” You looked at him and he nodded, understanding your implication. “You then put the dressing on and patch it up with some bacta. And hopefully it will stick till we get some help.”

“Hopefully?” he raised his brow at you but put on his gloves and started to follow your orders. He has never done anything like that. He wasn’t a medic. He wasn’t trained to do it. Your life depended on him and he hated it. He was supposed to protect you and here you were, lying injured because you saved him. He wasn’t sure you even remember how you pushed him away, when the bomb went off. How without thinking you just jumped to action saving his sorry ass.

He closed his eyes to relax and acted before he changed his mind. He tried. He tried so hard to ignore that hellish scream from you when he poured whatever there was in that bottle. He knew he would dream of nightmares of that scream and part of him knew he deserved it. But he kept on going. He did what you told him to do and when you laid there with your eyes half closed, breathing hard, your face covered in tears, but with the wound sealed somehow and no blood was flowing, he was fine with being the one to bring that scream out of you, if it meant you would survive it.

“Hey, Mesh’la, you OK?” You smiled weakly and nodded. “Ok, I’ll clean that up quickly and we need to go, ok?”

“I need to have a look at your injuries… We need to see if someone…”

“No-one survived.” It was like a slap to your face and you recoiled, feeling your eyes water at that. “It wa s a fucking trap. They knew we were coming and they used civilians to get us here.” He shoved the medical things into your bag, and took it on his shoulder. “I tried contacting the General, but no sign yet.” You looked around again, and sniffed looking at all those bodies laying around.

“I’m a doctor, Cody… I was supposed to save them. I was supposed to do something… I can’t just leave….”

“You couldn’t do anything for them… But you saved my life, if that makes you feel better.” You frowned, and gasped softly, when he lifted you up into his arms. He was so careful with you. It was such a contrast to the hardened soldier he was. “You pushed me away when the bob went off. I will always be in favor of you.” You looked up at his stoic face and hid your face into his chest, letting yourself cry. For real this time.

***

“Have any of them answered?” Obi Wan raised his eyes on his former Padawan and sighed, shaking his head. “Rex has his team ready to go. We will take Kix and Cath with us and we can go search for them.” Anakin looked at his Captain who nodded, ready to go and save his brother. “You can take Rex and go save your men.” The Master smirked and looked at Skywalker, who shrugged. He was a good man. Kenobi knew that Anakin understood. If it was Rex buried there, the young Skywalker would not have been as calm as his Master.

“I should have felt it in the Force much quicker. I should have acted sooner.”

“It’s not your fault, Master!” Ashoka added, frowning at Kenobi. “I don’t think anyone out there would blame you for that, and so you shouldn’t.”

“When did your Padawan become so smart, Anakin?” They both laughed softly and he sighed. “I hope she’s alright. It was her first mission.”

“Cody is there, so there is nothing to worry about, Sir!” Rex said, making the Jedi master smile softly. Yet, the Captain was right. Cody was the best soldier Kenobi knows. If there was anyone who would survive that and protect you, it was him. And so he stood and took his lightsaber from Anakin, ready to save his friends.

***

“I’m sorry Cody”, he looked down and your form crawled at his thighs. You looked so small, so adorable, if only those tears didn’t stain that pretty face of yours, he would be a happy man to hold you so close to himself. Almost losing you made him realize that he was an utter idiot. He should have been honest with you at the base. You two should have talked. And he promised himself, he would not leave your side. He would be your shield. Physically and emotionally. He would let you sleep on him, he would let you wet his armor with your tears. He would let you do anything to him, only if you felt just slightly better. “You lost so many of your brothers and I’m the one who’s…

“You cry for my brothers.” He ended for you, kissing your temple softly, making you freeze. You closed your eyes, enjoying the tender feeling of having him so close. You should not be enjoying it. It was selfish, and yet you couldn't help it. Despite the armor, you could feel the heat of his body. Or was it your body heat you felt? “Not many do that. Not many care enough to share a tear for them. And here you are. Your beautiful eyes puffy after crying so hard for those that were meant to die.”

“I hate when you say that.” He chuckled sadly, and hugged you closer, his cheek on the top of your head. “I wish I would have done more.” And yet it was like a lighting shock. You straightened, hissing in pain. Cody frowned and looked at you in alarm. “Let me see if you’re injured!” He exhaled and couldn’t help but smile.

“You should rest. I don’t know how long that patch will last…” You bit your lip and your hand slowly raised to go through his hair.

“Please, Cody. Let me be useful.” His eyes widened and he once again leaned his forehead to yours. A soft touch, an intimate gesture of the culture he was raised in. A quiet plea and the feelings exchange, of all the things he’s like to say but couldn’t. And so he nodded. And let you. He let you step away from him, keeping a safe hand close to you, just in case. He just sat there and let your small, soft hands take his armor off. Slowly, almost afraid as if your moves would bring any harm to him. If only you knew how different it was. How he yearned to feel you touch. To be cared for by you, with that loving touch of yours. “Can I?” He nodded his head, afraid to say anything. Not sure if he would be able to. “Oh, Cody!” You gasped, seeing his bruising ribs. It was impossible for him not to feel pain. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“You were more important.” He murmured, not able to look at you. Such a strong Marshal Commander, unable to look at the woman he… yes, he loved, look in the eyes. What shocked him was how easy it came to him. Losing was like a spur for him to realize his feelings. “If I didn’t take care of me, who would save me like you could?” You blushed and smiled shyly at yourself, opening your bag. You carefully cleaned his bruises and the cuts on his cheek and head, making sure to bring him as little pain as possible. “I was scared I’d lost you out there.” You froze and his words, but stayed quiet, letting him say whatever was weightining on his chest. “I never wanted to hurt you. Never meant to be such a jerk. I…” He finally looked up and your heart broke a bit at his sad expression. It was like a mere memory of his actions that hurt him physically. “I was scared, because you were becoming someone so very important to me in such a short time and… I’m a Marshal Commander.” You apologized quietly when he hissed at one of the head injuries, when you put a patch of bacta there. “I’m… I’m supposed to only have War on my mind and yet here I am… I was so scared, when you laid there, unable to move.” You swallowed hard when he softly circled his fingers around your wrist. He brought your hand towards his lips and left a soft kiss there. A lingering touch, you will dream about when that mission is over. “I got scared when I realized that I cared so deeply for you. Back in the base. When I almost kissed you. You told me that love is when you can’t get someone out of your mind. And I keep on thinking of you all the damn time.” Your breath hitched at his admission.

Your shaky hand lowered to take care of his bruised ribs. And you tried to ignore how he shivered at your touch. And you hoped deep inside, that you had the same effect on him as he did on you. You should be a professional, but here he was, half naked in front of you. You tried to focus on your job, but his words shook you. He just admitted that he was falling for you. You swallowed hard, wanting to say something, do something, but you couldn’t. And so, you just wrapped his torso and ribs safely and looked up at him when you finally finished. Happy to know that there was nothing critical.

“Please don’t say all these things, if you’re going to ignore me, the moment we are back.” He flinched at your declaration, and you felt bad, but you needed to know. Needed to be perfectly sure, that if you let yourself dream, hope, then that won’t just crush after all this is over. “I have loved you for so long, so if you…” But you weren’t given a chance to finish. His lips were on you, before you were able to react. You froze, not sure if you were actually dreaming. His lips were softer than you imagined. It was kind of innocent and sweet, as if he was unsure of himself. When you didn’t move, he stepped back and awkwardly started to apologize, but you didn’t give him a chance. You crushed your lips to his, ignoring how your stomach hurt a bit with those sudden movements. But you didn’t care. You were finally kissing the man you have loved for such a long time.

Cody didn’t waste his time. Calloused, soft hands cupped your face, pulling you forward even more. He tilted his head, deepening the kiss, licking the bottom of your lip asking for permission to enter. And you let him, because who were you to make him wait. And he doesn’t waste that chance. It wasn’t just a kiss. It was a way, a chance to show you how much he adores you. His tongue is gently messaging yours, sensually, taking the time to get to know you.

He pulls away, but doesn’t waste any time, kissing your jaw softly, nipping at it softly, making you gasp softly at his touch. His hands grasp and your waist. Tightly, but enough to hurt you, mindful of your injury. He was so careful with you, so loving. You tilt your head back, wanting more. More of him, more of his warm and hot kisses. You feel him inhaling you and you can’t help but moan softly when he tastes you with his skillful tongue.

“Cody!” You shriek and he laughs, when you playfully pat him on the shoulder when he bit and sucked your pulse spot at your neck, for sure leaving a mark there. “What if someone notices?”

“Let them. They will know who you belong to!” Normally you would never let any man talk to you that way. But with Cody it didn’t feel disrespectful. It was like he was confessing, that at the same time he belonged to you and you almost cried with happiness. “But I have to stop now, cyare.” Your heart skipped a beat with the Mando leaving his mouth. “You are injured and I’m unsure if I would be able to stop myself if we go any further.” He softly kissed your forehead and you blushed at this innuendo. As you were about to say something even remotely flirtatious, a voice could be heard from Cody’s comlink. He quickly turned it on and you felt tears appearing in your eyes when you heard Kenobi’s voice on the other side.

“Cody, report.”

“General!” You could hear the Jedi relaxed sigh on the other side. “You have no idea how good it is to hear you.”

“Are you OK? Is anyone injured?” Your smile dropped and you clenched at your shirt nervously.

“Doc will need medical attention as we had to make do with her injuries.” He held your hand and sighed, readening himself to tell his Jedi the bad news. “It was a trap, Sir. The moment we walked in, the bomb activated. All of my team, including the civilians are gone.” There was silence on the other side. Probably no one expected the news to be so devastating.

“My sincere apologies, my dear. I did realize it was a trap, but…”

“Don’t blame yourself, Obi!” You interjected, hugging into Cody’s (still) bare chest. He raised his brow and you were expecting a similar reaction from the Master on the line as well. It was the first time you said his name like that. “No one could have expected that. We can’t save everyone.” You sniffed softly and Cody, wrapped his arm around you.

“It’s good to hear you”, you smiled when he used your name, instead of the nickname. “You both stay where you are. Rex has traced you, we should be there with two medics to take care of you.” And the line was off and you leaned into Cody, kissing his collarbone softly.

“When we’re back”, he started before Kenobi and the team would come. “I will properly apologize to you.” You frowned, and wanted to deny whatever he thought, but he only kissed you softly at the top of your head and shut you up completely with that sweet move. It was a truly weird feeling. You were so very happy, despite being so devastated at the same time.

***

It took you a whole month of rehabilitation and Kix’ nagging of you staying in bed, before he was remotely OK to let you leave the hospital. Cody was visiting you every day with some sort of a gift. A single flower, a chocolate, a cup of coffee, or a book, you could read to kill the boredom. You both talked, he apologized almost everyday and made sure that he bid you with the sweetest of kisses. You did have a serious talk about where you both saw this going. He promised you that he would do his best to open up to you, but he did ask to give him some time. He never even considered something as stable as a relationship and it was all new to him. And you were more than willing to give him all the time he needed. And so you both decided to take things slow. For the both of you.

So when he didn’t pick you up from the hospital today, you were worried. He was on his leave and he promised he would a week ago. But here you were, walking to your apartment alone. There was this sick feeling in your stomach, which you tried to get rid of. There was probably something holding him up. Something important.

You opened your flat doors and gasped, letting the bag fall from your shoulders to the floor. There he was awkwardly standing, in the middle of the room, with some flowers, a table ready for dinner.

“General Skywalker and Ashoka helped me with it… “ He walked towards you, handing you the flowers. “I’m sorry I didn’t pick you up from the hospital. But I do owe you a first date, don’t I, Cyare?” He leaned forward and pressed a sweet, quick peck on your lips.

“Oh, you are more than forgiven, Commander”.

Tag List: @loving-the-cambridges

#star wars #the clone wars #commander cody #star wars fanfiction #fanfiction #commander cody x reader #cody x you #idiots in love #idiots in denial #the clones #star wars the clone wars

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unspeakablehorror · 10 months

Text

Where to Find Me

Date Created: 7/20/2023 Last Update: 9/1/2023

Edit on 9/1/2023: Added a link to my personal website to the Fanworks section as well, since my fanfic can be found there.

Edit on 8/7/2023: Added a second website that's for archiving fanworks and other stuff I like to 'My Websites'.

EDIT on 7/21/2023: The @ symbol was automatically redirecting (or attempting to redirect) the second part of the pillowfort, dreamwidth, and cohost urls to tumblr accounts, so I got rid of these in all the links.

NOTE: I HAVE STOPPED REGULARLY CHECKING TUMBLR.

The interface of this site has become nearly intolerable for me, and it's become clear to me over the intervening years that Mullenweg is committed to making it progressively worse. So if you've wondered if the reason I've stopped commenting on your posts has anything to do with you, let me assure you, it's not. It's not you. It's not me, either. It's Tumblr. I logged out like maybe a week ago? And it's been amazing? I can live my life again? Miss you all, though.

So anyone who knows me (or has looked through this blog carefully enough) knows I haven't been on here since 2018. But it's been a few years, so now it's time to update my 'Where to Find Me' post! Since there have been several notable changes, and because I wanted to change how this post was structured a bit, it felt easier to me to just make a new post rather than editing the old.

My Websites

Unspeakablehorror's Site - I'll be keeping copies of my fanfic here, recipes, assorted essays, and other things of interest to me here. I will also archive select works from others on this site (with the creator's permission).

New Old Web - This is my website where I talk about how the web is crashing and burning and think about how we can make it not crash and burn. I'm still building it up, but I hope I can add lots more thoughts here.

Main Social Media

I currently feel that I use Pillowfort the most and Dreamwidth the second most. Something my main social media sites both have in common? They don't take venture capital. They're also great for longform writing and conversations.

unspeakablehorror at Pillowfort - Like if Tumblr and LiveJournal had a baby. I love the way this site handles commenting, reblogs, post edits, and privacy. And I love the communities feature. I'm the mod of 3 different Star Wars comms on here: Andor, Sith Empire, and Star Wars-The Sacred Texts.

unspeakablehorror at Dreamwidth - LiveJournal but better. Interface is a bit retro but I absolutely love the tag cloud. Every social media should have tag clouds. Dreamwidth has so many customization features. Also this site has my favorite setup for privacy options. And I love the communities feature on here. I'm the mod of the Sith of Korriban comm here.

Secondary Social Media

unspeakablehorror at Mastodon (fandom.ink instance) - I am on Mastodon, too, which is similar to Twitter with respect to the character count limitations, but has many exciting ideas, like using a protocol for social media that allows accounts on different servers to seamlessly interact with each other (as long as the server isn’t blocked for incompatible rules). It also incorporates the idea of decentralization in a very intriguing way and is entirely non-profit.

unspeakablehorror at cohost.org - Yeah, I'm here too. I don't currently use this account as much, but I do check the site from time to time and I've made a few posts here. I'd be here more often if any of my friends used this platform, but I don't prefer the interface, which is too much like Tumblr for my taste. Basically this is Tumblr if the interface wasn't total garbage, lol. I think I clash with some of the core principles of this site somewhat, and the only way to delete your page is by emailing the site owners, but at least it doesn't have ads or take venture capital. This site is what happens when some furries with coding and design skills are given a bunch of $$$ to make a social media site.

You can also PM me if you want to inquire about other ways to contact me or discuss anything else. I might be a little slow to answer Tumblr PMs, but I'll try to log in from time to time to check for them. Hopefully Tumblr doesn't end up breaking that, too, lol.

Fanworks

I am actually in the process of decentralizing my fic storage! Currently using a combination of social media posts for my oneshots and external storage links to store pdfs and epubs of my longfic. These can be found by examining my 'About me' in my bio on Pillowfort and my profile on Dreamwidth. My eventual goal is to also have my own website to store my fic on.

Unspeakablehorror's Site - I'll be keeping copies of my fanfic here, among other things.

Fanfic on Pillowfort - Access all my fic from Pillowfort!

Fanfic on Dreamwidth - Access all my fic from Dreamwidth!

unspeakablehorror at AO3 - Ah, I hope AO3 can work out their, uh, severe organizational issues, but in the meantime, I'm uncertain how much presence I'm going to have on this site.

unspeakablehorror at ffnet - This site is awful. The ads alone cause me psychological damage. Probably going to have to phase out posting here.

Well, that's all. Time for me to take my leave of this ball pit!

#social media #where to find me #adios ball pit #like I said #I'll log on occasionally to check my notes and PMs #but I'm not going to be constantly logging on and going through my dashboard #can't take the ads #hate 'snooze Tumblr live'#hate Tumblr Live in general #hate every change that makes this site more unusable #can't take it anymore lol

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