#exploring (or trying to) romo and platonic relationships | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

itsoktocallmegay · 6 months

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(Redo of my entry post, will edit and re-edit when I feel like it.)

Name Collection: June/Penny/Hunter/Moth/Gabriel/Trixie/Ace/Aro/Peachie/Pear/Sapphy/Sky/Tempest/Luna/Sunny/Celeste (This isn't my full collection, just what I'm most comfortable sharing. Know this will be forever changing, but I will try to update it when I can. I'm trying these out, so please bear with me here.)

Pronouns: He/They/Xe/Fae/Doe/Fawn/Pup/Cat/Bun/Crow/Star/Cloud/Luna/Night-Nocturne/Pear/Peach/Honey/Rose/Aro/Ace/Imp/Moo/Berry/Shark/Void/Chaos

Preferred Terms: My preferred honorifics are Mx. (pronounced mix) and Mistrum. I am most comfortable being called Boy/Girl/Enbian/Xenbian. I prefer not to be called Dude or Bro. Calling me A dude is ok, it just feels different for me.

Alterhuman: I am questioning whether I’m Alterhuman in some way but am having trouble finding info on alterhuman identities that aren’t Therian and Otherkin. Currently I identify as demihuman and Copinglink. Personally, I feel that a lot of my relation to being alterhuman is trauma related, but I’ve always felt a connection to being nonhuman from a young age, so it’s hard to pinpoint where one begins and the other ends. I do experience species dysphoria on some level, I think, and I do identify with some aldernic terms that my dysphoria relates to. I am still new to alterhuman identities and other labels related to that, so this is subject to a lot of possible updates in the future. I’m not sure if I want to keep up with my alterhuman identities on here.

Gender: I currently identify as Rozurfluid, Genderfloren, Genderslyphen, and Fluidflux for the most part. I am usually multigendered and ID with the term boygirl as well. I am more comfortable IDing as a Nonbinary Boy and Nonbinary Girl than using the terms Man or Woman for myself. I do consider myself on the Agender spectrum and identify a lot of my girl-aligned genders with being more agender-aligned. I have been considering using the term Gxrl for that reason. My boy-aligned and girl-aligned genders do not always feel masc or fem-aligned in the typical ways, and I feel like a fem-aligned boy and a masc-aligned girl usually. I usually ID as a Rosboy and an Azurgirl at the same time. I am also Aprogenderspec and at times feel full of gender but removed from most other gender alignments. This could fall under Anonbinary, as well as my xenogenders, but I am exploring that label a bit more before I fully identify with it. I also collect a lot of xenogenders but will not be keeping up with those on here. I typically consider myself to be androgynous in some way, shape, or form since I feel a weird mixture of genders, lack of gender, and fem/masc-alignments at the same time (the exact mixture changes sometimes also.) My NDs do affect my gender a lot, so I do ID as Nuerogender as well. This also goes into why I ID as Traitblur, being that my personality also affects my genders a lot (most specifically my xenogenders.) I am considering identifying as abrogender as well because I relate to the term a lot, but either way, I will still identify with the other terms I have been identifying with.

Mspec Orietation: I am Mspec and ID as both Bi and Pan because I feel a connection to both terms personally. I am a questioning Abrospec as well and am still trying to figure out that part of myself atm. Because of my multigenderedness, I ID with the terms DiamSapphillean, Achilligirl/Turigirl, and Sapphboy as well.

AroAcespec Orientation: I am on the Aspectrum and am a Partnering, Heartless Romo Arolovic AroAce. I am Romo favorable, Sex Ambivalent, Touch Ambivalent, Platonic Ambivalent/Favorable, and QPL favorable. I Also ID as a Grey-AroAce/Angled AroAce/AroAcespec and do experience some romantic and sexual attraction, though neither are typical attraction and are very hard for me to discern from platonic or aesthetic attraction, etc. at times. My relationship with attraction is very complicated, so I mostly ID as AroAcefucked-weird. I am also AroAceflux and both fluctuate between Aspec identities and from Allospec to Aspec (I am not sure I ever feel fully Allo however.) At times I feel DemiAroAce or ReciproAroAce and do consider myself on those spectrum at times. I ID as CupioAroAce and BambiSapphic AroAce as well.

Tertiary Orientations: I am still questioning on most of my tertiary attractions, but I have been thinking more about it lately. Currently I ID as Pan-Platonic/Pan-QPL but am questioning Omni-Platonic/QPL as well. I also ID as Pan-Aesthetic. I am also questioning whether I am on the Aplatonic Spectrum as well because I have a complicated relationship with the platonic attraction and referring to others as my “friends.” Atm I am questioning if I am Demiplatonic or ReciproPlatonic or Aplatonicflux? I mostly ID as Pan/Omni Sensual (I’m still questioning on which one,) but I do think I’m on the Asensual spectrum. I feel like I mostly fluctuate between Orhcidsensual/Cupiosensual/Demisensual/Asensualflux?

Relashionship Orientation: I ID with relationship orientations more than lifestyle, and I will admit that I have little relationship experience outside of my current one and have never had multiple partners before, so my polyam orientation is mostly in theory and still have a lot of things to sort out life-wise. I currently ID as Ambiamflux and PolyAffectionate. I am open to QPRs and am considering being open to other relationship types like Soft Romo relationships or Waverships.

Disabilities: I am not sure how many physical disabilities and neurodivergencies I have, but I will list these: Autism, ADHD, OCD(idk what types,) Severe Generalized Anxiety(I don't remember if Social Anxiety is a diagnosis,) and Depression, and multiple Phobias(phobias like thalassophobia for example, I'm not going to list all of my phobias.) I also have 8+ Allergies, including food allergies, Polyarthritis, TMJ, and PMDD. I also have Parasomnia. I'm not sure what exact sleep disorder I have, but based off of my symptoms, I definitely have one. There are other disorders I am trying to figure out if I have them or not, but I am unable currently. I was not properly informed about my diagnosis and was diagnosed young for some of these, so I do not know exactly what I have and may also have undiagnosed disorders.

Credit for my profile pic: https://potato-lord-but-not.tumblr.com/

Link to Picrew I used for my profile pic: https://picrew.me/en/image_maker/1473879

#intro post #long post #text post #redo of intro post #lgbtq #my pronouns #name collection #label collection #my orientations #my genders #pinned post #my identity is complicated and forever changing so please don’t expect consistency here

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dogstarblues · 1 year

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had a conversation with friends today about a different conversation regarding my autism that had me thinking i should explore my sex repulsion and really reckon with it.

like in the original conversation i was talking to my friend who agreed that tongue kissing was, to put it gently, off-putting. and i expanded that into the convo of today by musing on the fact that tongue kissing feels like two wet muscles moving against each other. like its always been something i did because a sexual partner liked it. but now that im not romo-partnered and out of a fucked up relationship im like. putting my foot down? i dont have to do that ever again.

and i was thinking abt how i get positivity posts on here abt the animal of the human body and how the grossness of sex should be celebrated and im so happy for everyone but i hate it 😭. i dislike flesh being wet with anything unless its lotion or oil. i dislike being sticky. it feels bad. i dislike being overheated and i dislike touching another person's sweat and i dont even like being touched nonsexually!!!! bad texture terrible sensation. but i spent most of my sexual period just engaging with sweat and stickiness and flesh on flesh and sensation and ignoring my own feelings. because i didnt know i was allowed to be repulsed!!!!!!!!!!!

i think ive been exploring the limits of my sex repulsion with romance novels and ive been discovering i can tolerate it and even find it nice to read when its not. how do you say. when it has little or partial penetrative elements and when its deeply emotional or earthy or just fucking funny. i like reading sex where partners can laugh about how absurd bodies are or when the narrative frames it as funny. and i dont like a lot of fanfic that has sex in it because PWP elements is still PWP. unlike romance novels (even erotic romance and erotica which sex has narrative purpose but i cannot bring myself to read that much sex). sex has a narrative and emotional purpose. im thinking through this. hang on. maybe this is why im not engaging with fanfiction rn. hang on.

in my last relationship with Romantic-Platonic-Best Friend, i began with not being touched and doing the touching on my own terms and when i did allow touch it was limited. and like. i only engaged in sex to be close to her in more ways than emotional, when i wasnt very close to her emotionally bc she kept me at arm's length. but not with sex. so im thinking just how many partners ive had who i performed sex with just to be close when i wasnt given emotional closeness. and now im like. perhaps never again!!!! because i dont know if i want to engage with a relationship again. i have Eternal Roommate Best Friend and i have Spiritual Friend and Body Friend and ND-and-Having-Fun Supportive Friends and i have Childhood Friend and i have Art Friend and so many others and its like. a relief. that i dont have to do anything for them sexually to offer emotional closeness and grace. so its like. im fulfilled. im not begging for love. im not starving? im allowed to feel like its not pleasurable. like even when my body was compelled toward sensation did i like it??? no. no i dont think i did because im good with never having an orgasm again and no matter how hard anyone made my body orgasm i just felt nothing.

like was sex ever emotionally or psychologically pleasurable? i dont think so. maybe, maybe in the future, if i ever have a quasiplatonic relationship again, if i ever have the energy for romantic love again, i could pleasure a partner and not be touched. like i would need to negotiate the partner being a pillow princess or specific places i can be touched like my head or shoulders. but. im not sure. ill emotionally be in a place to derive emotional pleasure from giving sexual pleasure for. a long time. and tbh i dont want to be.

so im trying to detangle how my relationship with sex evolved from lack of emotional nutrience. much 2 think abt.

#dogstar speaking #under a readmore because its a LONG post

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 3 years

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I can’t tell if I’m a lesbian or if I’m aro :((( hngnfjshdhhs. All the romo relationships I’ve been in were with men so what if the lack of feelings and repulsion were from that :( I’ve felt sexual attraction to men before though??? Is it possible I’m homoromantic but bisexual????? Hhhfndhdhdjsjsjjdjdjjhb??????????????

It is possible to be homoromantic and bisexual. Which...probably just makes figuring out if your aro or a lesbian harder.

One thing that might help, it's OK to experiment. You can try going out with women and see if you catch feelings. But only do that if you're comfortable with it. Being homoromantic may also be more likely if you think you may have had crushes on girls in the past. Though it can also be hard sometimes to differentiate between romantic and platonic forms of attraction.

Another that could help is exploring the aro community. Just follow some blogs, maybe explore communities like Arocalypse or browsing through Carnival of Aros. When I was questioning if I was aro this was easily the most helpful thing. The aromantic community is really diverse and experiences sometimes differ a lot, but having those moments of 'oh is that an aro thing? that's really relatable' really helped cement to me that I was aro.

So hopefully that's helpful, but feel free to ask if you have more questions. All the best!

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illfoandillfie · 3 years

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Don’t Talk To Me About Love

Day number 4 of the Platonically themed event! This is another idea thats sort of been bouncing around my head since I posted Platonically. In the months since then I’ve started and stopped this blurb about 60 times - at one point I intended it as a sequel but then ended up absorbing part of the plot into PNDDAOF. But here we are. It is somewhat complete and I’m much happier with it now then I was before.

Yet again, this blurb is inspired by a song - Don’t Talk To Me About Love by Altered Images (less the lyrics and more just the title but it’s a bop so like check it out anyway lmao)

Words: 2,150

Warnings: It’s about the Communication. There’s talk of an argument but nothing specific and honestly this is mostly just about the two of them Dealing with something out of the ordinary.

Every morning with Ben follows the same pattern. No matter who wakes first, no matter how long it takes you to get out of bed, Ben will greet you with a kiss on the cheek. It’s a litmus test of your disposition and a lesson hard learnt. Most days you’ll lean into him, wrap your arms around him, press your lips to his, snuggle back into his embrace, and he knows that it means you’ll be okay with the actions that convince others you’re boyfriend and girlfriend. But every so often it’s different. Those days, what he has come to call your no romo days, his cheek kiss will be returned but you’ll pull back before he can sweep you into something deeper, a sign that you don’t have the patience or energy or whatever it usually takes, to deal with romance. Those days are few and far between, mostly occurring months apart, seemingly at random. But because of that it took quite some time before you got the hang of dealing with them as partners. On your own it had been easier to avoid romantic expressions, but with Ben it was harder to manage.

The first time it happened after you’d started the QPR, you tried to push through, tried to ignore the tension you felt as he unexpectedly kissed you, his hands pulling you into him. There was a sudden urge to run away, your blood running cold, and Ben must have sensed that something was off. He was always observant where you were concerned. When he asked if something was wrong you pretended there wasn’t but he kept badgering you until you told him what was up. Unfortunately you sort of bit his head off, frustrated by the constant questions. You immediately regretted your tone and choice of words but the damage was done, Ben’s expression one of hurt and confusion. Before you could try to explain better he’d left the room. He gave you space for the rest of the day, barely crossing your path at all, but it was too much space, an overcorrection. And that made you mad more than anything else. After all you’d warned him that this happened sometimes, that you had days where you were repulsed by the thought of anything romantic, completely turned off by actions that could be read as such. How dare he be hurt by it, as if you were an inconvenience he had to endure. He was the one who suggested you do the QPR thing in the first place, why did he suddenly think it only included the times you were acting closest to a regular girlfriend. At that point you hadn’t yet moved into his house so you left and slept in your own bed that night, sick with worry that you’d ruined everything with Ben, that you’d wake up in the morning to find not only your QPR broken but that your best friend wouldn’t want anything more to do with you at all. You felt stupid to have thought that a QPR could work, that you could ever fit anywhere. Clearly you were meant to be alone.

But the next morning brought rational thought and rational conversation as well as a higher tolerance for romance. Ben called to make sure you were okay, confessing to a fairly sleepless night spent worrying if you'd got home safe and feeling bad about how you’d left. But you could hear his smile when you invited him over to talk about it, could practically see it in your mind’s eye. And then you saw it for real, a proper grin, when you’d opened the door and dove into his arms, burying your face in his shirt. He’d squeezed you tight, relieved that things between you were still good. It took a serious conversation to sort out what had gone wrong. You tried to better explain what it was you felt - the queasy feeling at the idea of being involved in any sort of romantic act and the discomfort when confronted with romantic imagery or depictions of romance and romantic couples – reassuring Ben that it wasn’t anything he’d done, and he apologised for giving you the cold shoulder, admitting his distance had been because he wasn’t sure how to act around you. Talking it out helped and when you were done, both feeling like you better understood what would help the situation, you curled up in bed together to catch up on the sleep you’d missed.

The next time, nearly six months later, you’d been better prepared and, though it was still a little rocky, it had gone smoother. Ben didn’t try to avoid you, so you didn’t feel as abandoned as you had the last time, but you made sure to maintain some distance from him, knowing his feelings were different to yours and not wanting to put him in any awkward situations. There were moments when neither of you knew what to do or say, moments when it felt like you were both treading on eggshells to try and avoid a repeat of the last time. But when you asked to take a break from the TV series you were halfway through because the romance plotline didn’t hold the same enjoyment it usually did, he seemed to understand and agreed to what you needed. The time after that had been barely a month later, far sooner than you were expecting. You supposed that your relationship with Ben was having an impact. After all it had been a while since you’d last been in a romantic relationship and though what you and Ben had wasn’t that, it did cross some of the same lines. Surely it was natural that your mind would try to balance things out by making you feel unequipped to deal with romantic subplots and sentimental love songs more often than before. Or at least that’s how to tried to explain it to Ben when he made a huffy comment about the increasing frequency of your romance repulsed days. If it hadn’t been for an interrupting phone call from his mum, you might have fallen into another fight. Instead, you spent the time he was on the phone thinking about why things felt so hard, trying to come up with possible solutions. You went over some activities in your head, comparing how you usually felt about them and what you felt when you were romance repulsed. Cheek kisses still felt okay because they were generally a way you showed affection to everyone you knew, but being kissed on the lips seemed to cross a line, no matter how it was done. Cuddling too could be okay depending on the context but you’d probably prefer not to just to be safe. Sex on the other hand was a big question mark You’d never tried having sex on a no romo day before, but you assumed if emphasis was put on the physical pleasure it could work, though maybe positions that didn’t force eye contact would be more enjoyable. But perhaps that was better left to be explored when you were both more comfortable with the situation. Even dinners out together and datey things like that could be doable if you didn’t have to deal with candlelight and intimate seating.

As soon as Ben was finished on the phone you tried to explain your thought process to him. “The way I think about it is like...regularly I have a mental picture of what actions I feel are platonic and what actions cross into romance. Sometimes those lines aren’t super clear like with kissing, but I know which it is when I see it or experience it.” “Right, like how you don’t mind spooning in bed and getting really close but on the couch you prefer to rest your head on my lap or whatever.” “Yes, exactly. It might all be considered variations on cuddling but to me there's a big difference in how they feel. Well a no romo day is like if you took all of those distinct lines and moved them over a little. The lines are still there but the image is distorted and not quite what I’m used to seeing.” “Okay,” he stretched the word out thoughtfully, “so...it’s not that everything feels romantic it’s just that your tolerance levels have changed?” “Yeah, I think so. It’s not easy for me to understand either. Especially since sometimes things change more than others. But yeah, that’s pretty much it. But my big question is what do you need? I don’t want this to become a big problem or cause fights every time it happens so, what’s going to help make it feel more normal for you?” Ben thought for a moment, “Physical contact. I don’t mean that in a sexual way either, just physical contact. I mean you know how touchy I can be. It grounds me. Even just a hug or, y’know, rubbing my back as you walk past me, things like that. A high five even. If we’re out with the others it’s not so bad cause they all know what I’m like too and none of them will mind if I lean on their shoulder or sit on their lap or whatever. But when it’s just us...I need that physical contact to feel settled and I guess it’s been harder to feel okay about it when you flinch away from me. Makes me feel wrong just because I want to be close to you.” You were a little stunned by the honest and carefully considered way he responded to your question, and felt a little bad about trying to force space between you, “I knew you liked that sort of thing but I guess I didn’t realise how important it is for you.” Ben shrugged, “Normally it’s something I don’t even think about. But with you lately it’s like I just haven’t known what to do.”He paused, biting the corner of his thumb nail as he thought, “I don’t think the way I love you is entirely platonic anymore. I mean it hasn’t been entirely platonic for a while now but those feelings aren’t going away. And I’m not saying that to make you feel bad or anything, it’s just how it is, and I think it’s part of why I’ve been so weird or whatever about this whole romance repulsion thing.” “Yeah it must be kinda hard to understand what I mean,” “I’m trying to understand it and I’m trying to be respectful. But you gotta give me a little more. And you have to be more understanding of where I’m coming from too.”

After that, you both made adjustments to accommodate the other and talked through what solutions worked and what didn’t. Ben spent some time consulting google for ideas and found you a playlist of songs that had aromantic vibes or at least could be reinterpreted so the romantic meaning was more relatable for you. And you made more of an effort to keep up a physical closeness with him – sitting shoulder to shoulder as you watched TV and shared a bag of microwave popcorn, rubbing your hand over his back as you stepped behind him in the kitchen, surprising him by placing a cold hand to his face or stomach when he wasn’t expecting it – even on regular days when you didn’t hate the way it felt to be held by him. You figured that emphasising those sorts of small physical gestures would help both of you in the long run. Every so often something would arise that needed a little extra discussion but you both took them in your stride and did your best to be accommodating and patient.

And by the next time a no romo day occurred, things were as close to perfect as you could hope for. You wriggled out from under Ben’s arm when you woke, better able to recognise the sick feeling creeping up on you. Stepping out of bed you switched Ben’s oversized sweatshirt for one of your own and tiptoed down to the kitchen putting your anti-romantic playlist on softly as you made coffee and toast. When Ben eventually surfaced he pressed his lips to your cheek but he already felt you wouldn’t want anything more than that, putting together the pieces and proved right as you gave a small shake of your head. He gave your waist a brief squeeze in acknowledgement before turning toward the fridge to begin his own morning routine. And just like that you knew things would be okay. You couldn’t say you knew what he felt or that you entirely understood it but, yet again, Ben had shown that his love for you was less about Love and more about you. And you hoped he could see that you cared for him just as strongly, even if you felt it differently.

#my writing #my blurbs #ben hardy x reader #ben hardy imagine #platonically event #(lowkey thinking about a follow up smut for tomorrow's post kdhkajhsdhs)#also!! i mention reader having a no romo playlist and i actually do have one of those!#it's a work in progress and I just add to it whenever I find something that fits #but if anyone is interested I can post the link to it as well!#theres like 6 queen songs on it akdshdhjskajkas and 1 from the cross lmao #that might actually be part of why i was so drawn to queen tho #cause like yeah they have Love Songs but they also have songs that are about other sorts of love too #Anyway #that was a tangent and a half

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pulsingvoid · 6 years

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if you're on the aromantic spectrum (or just plain tired of romance being the be all end all in 99.9999% of western media) and haven't watched elementary yet i definitely recommend it because i have NEVER seen a show that so obviously prioritizes platonic love over romance in my whole life. sure, just about everyone in the main and supporting cast has had meaningful romantic relationships, but the show purposefully draws attention away from them and towards plenty of less explored dynamics. we have:

the holmes/watson dynamic

they are colleagues, partners, roommates, best friends, each other's favorite person. it will Never cross over from platonic to romantic, partially out of respect to the 'homosocial' canon i believe (it wouldn't be fair to live with a century of baiting just to have the first most successful female watson adaptation end with a romance). instead of hinting, or heterobaiting as it were, the writers have been adamant about it staying platonic. which is what sets elementary apart from other shows like bones, castle, the x files, etc. there is no textual (or subtextual if you ask me) UST or longing between sherlock and joan. they are very much on the same page about the nature of their relationship. but, instead of the lack of slow-burn romance leaving something to be desired, the show gives you 6+ seasons of the most amazing progression of platonic partnership you'll ever see in your life. they never miss a beat! every season is written around whatever emotional story arc the two are about to undertake, as a pair. this means SO many period drama-worthy proclamations of love and affection like you wouldn't believe.

complex familial relationships

sherlock is hostile towards his father and brother, and for good reason, but will still worry himself sick about them, and vice versa. joan loves her mother, brother, and stepdad, but her relationship with her biological father (and later, his other family) is hardly a simple one.

found/made families

aka the entire supporting cast; from joanlock's tendency to pick up strays with complicated pasts and raise them as their own, to captain gregson going Full Dad whenever our heroes are in trouble (or causing trouble), i think this bit is self-explanitory. also see: '[marcus bell] is practically family'.

sponsor/sponsee relationships

a very important motif since the show focuses a lot on addiction and recovery. this is (kind of) what joanlock's relationship started out as, but it has since developed and grown into something different. however, sherlock is still very much a recovering addict, and joan still craves helping people, so we get characters like alfredo (sherlock's proper sponsor) and shinwell (joan's unofficial sponsee). these do turn into friendships in their own right, but it's still a very interesting and often difficult dynamic to accurately capture and i'm glad the show refuses to leave it behind or shy away from it.

friendships! acquaintances!

every main character, including sherlock (gasp!), is a Good Person. there are so many subplots (and sometimes main plots!) that revolve around a character (usually sherlock or joan) trying to help someone, or trying to fix a mistake they’ve made with someone, trying to be there for people, or simply trying to get to know a character better because they think they’re neat. they just care So Much.

the R word

on the topic of romance, we have the irene/sherlock past, which served as a catalyst for a lot of things, including the show's biggest plot twist to date, but the key word here is Past. in the course of the show itself, sherlock has so far had a romantic relationship with one woman, and although sweet and in-character, it was merely a subplot for a handful of episodes, and it was heavily suggested that it was a mere subplot in sherlock's everyday life as well. joan, on the other hand, has had several paramours, but the most notable moment for me is an episode where things are getting serious with the man she’s been dating, and she comes home (to sherlock) and begins to panic because she’s starting to realize that perhaps stereotypical romance wasn't what she was after. i tend to refer to that scene as Joan's Aro Revelation. [here’s a gifset]

other notable no-romo motifs

sherlock being largely anti-marriage, people marrying for love, yes, but also for the health benifits (and being open and honest about their intentions), joan and sherlock functioning best while living as a unit under the same roof regardless of their romantic entanglements (and this being portrayed as a HEALTHY mutually beneficial and non-suffocating lifestyle), sherlock being willing to help joan raise a child (’not as a father, but as the mother's friend’, tell me this line isn’t monumental) and joan not even entertaining the idea of moving away from sherlock to raise said hypothetical child, as well as many many other incredible scenes that cement the fact that this show, at its essence, supports and encourages all forms of platonic love most of all.

tl;dr even if you're not aromantic i still strongly recommend watching elementary because this kind of exploration of platonic love is incredibly relevant in this day and age. we are taught the endgame to a happy fulfilled life HAS to be romance when that just doesn't work for everyone. friendships have become disposable, a temporary way to socialize between relationships. the older you get, the worse it becomes, unless you’re very very lucky. people are lonely and more isolated than ever before. the way things are going, a show like elementary is crucial, and i am so, so grateful for it.

#elementary #elementasquee #aro stuff #aromantic #platonic love #soz abt the long post but ya girl has been catching up w s5 this week and she has! feelings!#frenship

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arokaladin · 6 years

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anyway I kinda want to ramble about internalised arophobia for a bit because earlier I was joking with a friend and implied friendship is better than romantic love and immediately felt horrible as if id said something completely contrary to reason that was likely to upset her. and for a bit I was feeling shitty because like. have I really not made any progress? there's still a huge part of me that sees romance as inherently better than friendship. That’s why it feels bad for me to ship my main ship as a qpr/soft romo even though I really really really want to, and even though I'm actively trying to talk about the characters that way. theres? a lot to unlearn and I haven't managed to unlearn much yet, but I am in a place where at least I recognise whats harmful to me. even though I impulsively want to ship characters based on stupid shit like allos do (and even more than they do I think, since fandom culture forced shipping at me and I basically Had To Ship but? didn't think that way, never will, and therefore just partnered people off on arbitrary basis, which has become a really hard habit to break) I now know I don't have to and I can fight the urge and explore complex platonic relationships instead and not have shipping conversations that bore me deep down. the other thing internalised arophobia means for me is that I often basically have to Hard No things that technically should be a Soft No just because I need time to unlearn them as a Hard Yes. like soulmates? I think could technically maybe kinda work for aros if you changed a lot around in the au and spent lots of time worldbuilding but. I am Not in the right place to do that and first have to unlearn that soulmates are good and real and a hundred other amatonormative things. working through all this shit actually really sucks sometimes because half of me really wants to like things and knows it would be so much easier but the other half knows they'll hurt me and its really really hard work and I don't want to have to do it but! it will be better for my mental health in the long run just as building more freindships and talking to you guys about my opinons has been. I'm also really looking forward to being able to dig up my own real feelings after the amatonormativity brainwashing has all been washed away. because like, back when I was dealing with stuff a lot worse I really subconsciously equated qprs as a backup option now that I realised I could never have a romantic relationship. so I think after ive worked through that (and uh. the mess that I am after qpr number one turned out like it is, you all know about how I freak out if I try and label shit now so that's fun) I may discover some interesting true desires for qprs, including whether at the core of it I really want one or not. So yeah right now I;m still dealing with a lot of confusion and guilt and I hate it a lot and I'm having to fight the part of me that says not bothering would be better but I think I'm heading in the right direction sorry for this incoherent wall of text.

#internalised arophobia #uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh ye #mine

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aroworlds · 6 years

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Aro-Spec Artist Profile: Sebastian

Our next aro-spec creator is Sebastian, better known on Tumblr as @gloriousmonsters and @mangledmouth!

Sebastian is a bisexual, autistic, aromantic trans man who is single-handedly covering many literary bases in producing original aro and queer short stories, novels and poetry. Aside from his Tumblr blogs, you can find and support more of his work at his Patreon. If you have a dollar or two you’re wanting to invest in worthy aro-spec talent on a less-regular basis, please take a look at Sebastian’s Ko-Fi!

With us Sebastian talks about identifying with the role of villainy in narrative as an aro creative, aromantic characters and grand emotional gesture, the divide between representation and self-expression, and some spectacular-sounding work-in-progress book titles! His investment in aromantic characters and characterisation shapes every word, so please let’s give him all our love, encouragement, gratitude, kudos and follows for taking the time to explore what it is to be aromantic and creative.

Can you share with us your story in being aro-spec?

It took me a while to realize I was aromantic, but it was one of the things that made me go ‘oh, that makes … a lot of sense’ when I looked back at my childhood. I was a weird, isolated kid, so I didn’t learn from bouncing off other children; I learned through stories.

One of my strongest early memories is of watching a poorly made Red Riding Hood film over and over again, belting out the lyrics to the (poorly written) villain’s song, called ‘Man Without A Heart’. Cut to a year or so later, watching the Rodgers and Hammerstein Cinderella (still the best Cinderella, IMO), I was utterly fascinated by the villainess singing: ‘Falling in love with love is falling for make-believe…’

I didn’t know, that early, that I didn’t feel romantic love. Not consciously. But there was something utterly, obsessively interesting about villains that sneered at love, who were called heartless, who challenged the narrative that there must always be a love story and it must come out right no matter what. I felt, on a deep level, that these people were like me somehow. The additional queercoding and common side-helping of mental illness helped - or didn’t help, depending on your perspective. I grew up knowing, deep down, what my part in life was: I was the villain.

When I hit my rebellious age, it first came out by my saying, ‘But being a villain doesn’t mean you have to be wrong or unhappy’. I began collecting villains like nobody’s business, and writing stories that more and more often centered people whose character types I’d only ever seen as villains. And from there we arrive at today!

Are there any particular ways your aro-spec experience is expressed in your art?

Recently, my brother (who is my sounding board for a lot of stories, as I am for him) looked at my books-to-write list and said, ‘Nearly every idea you have is a deconstructed romance or strong non-romantic relationship.’

I love strong relationships, so I originally thought I needed to write people as love interests to get that; these days I feel more free to focus on whatever the heck I want, and being aro shows in everything. My current WIP centers a poly relationship where two of the partners are aromantic. Two people (often, but not always, a man and a woman due to my frustration with the ‘men and women can’t be friends’ thing) who are the most important people in each others’ lives and are platonic, show up over and over again in my novel ideas; I start with relationships that look like romances and then pull them apart. Part of this, I think, is due to my autistic ‘let’s take this into component parts and see how it works’ tendencies; being autistic and being aro aren’t cause and effect, for me, but they play well together.

When I write poetry, some of it deals explicitly with being aromantic, but all of it is non-romantic. It makes me kind of anxious sometimes to think of people interpreting pieces as being romo because they’re about intense emotions; one of the biggest ways being aro is expressed in my writing is my constant attempts to show other feelings, connections and relationships than romance being worthy of big feelings and gestures. I’ll sometimes refer to myself as ‘aromantic but capital-R Romantic’ (i.e. extremely dramatic) because of that.

What challenges do you face as an aro-spec artist?

I’m sure I’ll run into more problems as I try to take my increasingly aro and queer and ND works to professional markets, but at the moment my biggest problem is self-censoring. I sit at an awkward junction of having multiple identities I want to include in my work, and being … well, someone who grew up obsessed with villains, who later on developed a decade’s interest in slasher horror, and who still tends to write people who are perceived as, or see themselves as, villains. Awkward because I always have that voice in my head (helped along by some of the stuff I see on social media) going ‘that’s not good rep! nobody will want to read this!’

But I know from experience that not writing from the heart (and look at that, I do have one after all!) doesn’t end well, so I’m working on getting good at writing my weird dark stuff and hoping I’ll find the audience for it. And I always leave a little bit of light in it, because I have another voice in my head, still saying, ‘just because you’re a villain doesn’t mean you can’t be happy’.

It’s a weird sort of positivity, but it works for me.

How do you connect to the aro-spec and a-spec communities as an aro-spec person?

Following and submitting to this blog is part of my first attempts to actually join the aro-spec community. I tend to move slowly and be very nervous of talking to new people, but I’ve been trying to be more affirming of my aromantic identity lately, and seeking out other aros is part of that. Hopefully I’ll settle in a little more as time passes.

How can the aro-spec community best help you as a creative?

At the moment, people following and reblogging from my poetry blog @mangledmouth would be much appreciated. It’s hard to get traction with poetry (especially if you don’t write romantic poetry) and I’d love more people to see my work. I’m proud of a lot of what I’ve done, so check it out! Be warned that my love for horror and oddness turns up there as well, but there’s nothing too graphic.

And Ko-Fi donations or small Patreon subscriptions are always appreciated.

Can you share with us something about your current project?

My current WIP (titled either The Night In Wanting or And One of Us Be Happy, depending on whether I go for the one that sounds better or the one that fits best thematically) is about a third done! Praise me, because I’m really bad at finishing things, but I’m still on track to wrap this up at the end of June. It’s about a Weird Small Town and Sarah, a girl with a reputation for breaking hearts, who decides to date one of her best friends and actually try to make it work. Her attempts at being normal quickly get derailed when their town’s general weirdness turns hostile - attacks by creatures from the woods, unsettling amounts of rain, pictures changing when you’re not looking at them and a really pushy forest spirit trying to bargain with people for a heart. Her attempts at normal are further derailed when she figures out that her new boyfriend is also in love with a mutual friend, and that she might not feel love at all.

I love these characters, guys. This story is finally coming together after years and the three main characters - Sarah, Mags and Fred - have always been at the heart of it, no matter what shape it took. (Mags used to be a ghost, and the story went through a phase of being a Band AU of itself. Fred kept getting possessed, and there’s a joke about that in the text now that nobody will get but me. And now you guys!) It’s terrifying to write a YA that’s not only poly, but focuses on an aromantic main character, but I’m determined to make it work.

(This is is one of the most sweet/normal things I’ve worked on, despite the healthy dose of horror. I’ve also been writing snippets of a pet project called How The Child-Eater Became King, to give you an idea of the other end of the spectrum.)

Have you any forthcoming works we should look forward to?

I haven’t got the release date for it yet (it’ll probably be a while yet) but I recently sold a short story, Sabuyashi Flies, to Glittership. The main character, Sabuyashi, was originally aroace but turned out to be a lesbian ace during writing. (Characters often decide to come out while I’m writing, which is always fun to handle. I mean that both sarcastically and genuinely.) I’m already working on and off on the sequel story where she meets her future best friend Nathaniel, who is aro. Working title is Nat Luckless and the Girl Made of Beetles. Look for news about Sabuyashi Flies soonish and Nat Luckless whenever my slow butt manages to finish and (fingers crossed) sell it!

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