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cornwaiidesu · 3 years

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a boohoo-y deep dive into my ~psyche~ cuz I had A Moment at work yesterday :P

I care too much about what people think of me. plain and simple. I have been this way since I was a little girl. my cousins would pick on me because I was the special baby girl out of the three of us and they were the two older boys. they would pick on me for being shy and soft spoken and liking girl things, and I wanted them to like me because I thought the two of them were the coolest boys in the world, so I grew to be a little tomboy. I wanted to like fighting games, and anime, and comics because those were "boy things".

but then when puberty started to set in, being a tomboy wasn't cute anymore. at least according to the bullies I had in middle school. usually boys who would call me a d*ke and make fun of me for wearing baggy t-shirts and loose pants and my dad's army jacket every single day of my life. "girls are supposed to be feminine" so obviously something had to be *wrong* with me and they would speculate shit about me directly in front of me. try to engage me in the conversation just to rub it in and of course that made me feel like shit.

so then in high school I try to flip the switch again. I start wearing tighter fitting clothes. I grow my hair out because I was constantly being dogged on my hairstyle even tho that shit was kind of REVOLUTIONARY FOR A 12 YEAR OLD LIVING IN IOWA. PROPS TO TEENAGE MRH. even back then I was a little punk. :3c I digress tho.

the beginning of high school was when I started my curse that lives on in me. I wear earrings every day of my life and I do because I convinced myself back then that I would be mistaken for a boy otherwise. and I still hold that fear because it was upheld! I started wearing dresses and skirts to school, but it didn't matter because dudes would still flip me shit and say that I was a predatory lesbian and strip me of my femininity. adults would still call me young man and sir despite being a 16 year old wearing make up, denim skirts, earrings, and covered in beaded necklaces. I would wear SO much jewelry to try to get it through people's minds that I was a girl.

but then through that came another weird thing where, like, though I was dressing ~feminine~ I was still "one of the guys" because I had a crude sense of humor and still liked comics and anime and wasn't as, for lack of a better word, "delicate" as my other (white) female friends. but then AGAIN I *couldnt* be one of the guys because it was a secret special task force essentially and I was just a stupid girl.

a lot of that fucked up my sense of self with my sexuality growing up too. I knew at a fairly early age that I was bisexual even though I didn't know there was a word for it, but I didn't want to admit to liking girls because that would mean my bullies were right about me, and if they were right about that then what if they were right about all the other horrible stuff they said about me being hideous, and gross, and weird?

because! if that was right too! a boy would never fall in love with me and have dance sex with me like Johnny and Baby do in Dirty Dancing! or would never save me from being sacrificed like Rick saves Evie in The Mummy! I'd be alone forever because boys would think I was big ugly butch with no value to them, and girls would think I was a predator and would always have to be on their guard to make sure I wasn't gawking and fawning over them. (and let's not even GET into how my religion fucked up my sense of morality about this. I have since grown out of it at least.)

every person I ever confessed to having a crush on has turned me down (mostly politely though, thank god) in my life except for one and a half. (one said they also liked someone else as much as they liked me, and since I had no self-esteem at 18 I was like "oh that's cool. let's date anyway." because I just wanted to have a boyfriend. that's the half.)

the other we kind of connected right away, whirlwind romance for me, but I don't think they ever quite felt the same way and that ended in an actual divorce anyway.

I've had three "relationships" my whole entire life and no more than that, and in my head i told myself thag was because I am fat, and ugly, and MASCULINE, no matter how hard I tried to be sweet and charming and pretty.

as I've aged I've learned about the systematic de-feminization of black women since all the way back to slavery times and shit and I won't claim to be an expert about that shit but it makes me cry that it's just ingrained into people's minds. it doesn't give us a single fighting chance from birth. it makes me feel like I'm going to be a lonely freak for the rest of my life because iowa is like one of the whitest places in the world, and my own internalized racism has convinced me all my life that I don't belong in black spaces because I'm not "authentic", I'm watered down. I've been called a half-breed and an oreo so many times.

I can't be black, I can't be white, I can't be a boy, I can't be a girl. I'm a copper penny in a jar full of nickels and dimes. I don't look the same, I'm not the same shape, and im not as shiny.

though I am attracted to women I have this OBSESSION with men, and to have a relationship with a man as PROOF. SOLID PROOF. that I am a valid woman, because there seems to be no other way for me to get the point across. and it's important for me to get the point across because I grew up with my business being the punchline, and curiosity of my peers, and the concern of my family. I couldn't exist without speculation from someone.

and then came a moment last year while I was at work, where a co-worker told me something that a person in another department who I did not get along with had told them. that I was a mean, jealous bitch who wanted them "out of the way" because they were getting too close to my friend that also worked at our store, and I was obsessed and in love with her and trying to stop a relationship from forming between the two of them. and it made me sick to my stomach. it was the thing I had been trying to steer clear from, from the moment I knew I was bisexual, but I hadn't tried hard enough. my anxiety shot through the roof. I had a panic attack. I broke down sobbing in the bathroom. this person was vengeful, I had nothing to do with them or that friend anymore, and I hadn't for months but they wanted to spread this rumor about me. and even if I truthfully denied it like I did, it didn't matter, because a person could take one look at me an think "you know, I can see that." because that's what people thought my entire fucking existence.

I cried off and on the rest of the day. I was too sick to eat dinner. I barely slept. and then I ended up puking what little food I had to eat that night anyway. I still barely ate the following few days I stayed home from work because I still felt so sick to my stomach with anxiety and at one point I got faint-ish when I had finally returned to work, and had to have help to get to the breakroom and force myself to eat. I bawled to my step-mother about it all, that I didn't feel comfortable at work anymore because it was just my words against theirs, and my bosses never held the person accountable for any of the other bullshit that they caused anyway.

it took me a VERY. long time to move past this incident. I think the only thing that ever ended up fully distracting me from it was covid and my uncle and my father's health both taking a turn for the worst last June. and even then, in between, I had such loooow moments. I self harmed and wrote mean notes to myself, stayed in bed for days. I wrote my own suicide note just to feel better, even though I knew I'd never do it. I was too chicken, but I just wanted to write it and pretend, just to release the depression pressure in my brain.

I've since been better for the most part. I know my parents love me and that I'm important to them, when just a few years ago I used to claim that I was an orphan because I was convinced that my father and my step-mother never cared to see me again because I was an ungrateful brat. I still get very lonely and long for a significant other but I'm kind of just coming to terms with the fact that unless I put myself out there, it won't happen, and im just too insecure to take the steps.

yesterday though, just for a second, out of nowhere, I thought about the claim that person had made about me even though the atmosphere at work has since changed, and things are patched up between me and my friend.

that gossiper is irrelevant now, but I couldn't help but have a little meltdown about it anyway because. like. apparently that's the vibe that I give off. because that's what everyone has said about me from day one of my life. and. I just. have to keep dealing with it. I'm stuck like this. and it sucks. and that little thought about it reminded me again.

#long post #very long post #personal #ignore me

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calliecat93 · 3 years

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Star Trek Episodes 73-76

The Lights of Zetar: This was one fine. Nothing noteworthy, but I have nothing to really complain about. Scotty liking Mira was cute... too bad we’ll likely never see her again but hey at least she lived. The ending with Kirk joking about Spock, McCoy, and Scotty agreeing also got me to chuckle. There’s not realy much else I can say, it was standard and fine but nothing to note. But with how this season has been, that may be for the best. 3/5.

Requiem for Methuselah: It was okay. Ankther episode that makes me lowkey uncomfortable sue to current times, but ah well. There’s some weird immortality stuff that I’m still wrapping my head around, but not like that’s new at this point. It’s also another episode with Kirk and a girl, they seem to default to that a lot this season. Appreny this is the last time though and with how it ended... yeah. Poor Kirk man. I can still safely say that his image as a womanizing skirt-chaser is bullshit. The themes of immortality and Rayna developing emotions and free well for hersef despite being an android was a nice one and how Kirk emphasized that she has human spirit/free will was really good (hammy Shatner acting aside). The biggest issue I have here is the ending. Rayma dying sucked, but my issue was with Spock and McCoy in the final scene. McCoy is way too dickish even for him towards Spock for no good reason (IDK if be meant to be but that’s not an excuse) and Spock non-consensually wiping Kirk’s memory of the incident no matter how well-intentioned he is is utterly screwed up. Yeah they’re both concerned for Kirk and I appreciate that, but they were both still not done well here even if Nimoy and Kelley’s acting was A+. I wouldn’t mind kf they followed it up, but we all know that never happened nor was it planned to, so... yeah. That being said, it’s still far from the worst this season. It’s decent enough, and again for this season that’s probably for the best. 3/5.

The Way to Eden: Every time I think that the stupid is ocer, they just HAVE to fo and prove me wrong. So... hippees. I know that this was the 60’s, but... really? This was the enst that they could come up with?! This was just... dumb. It’s S3 so not that shocking, but still dumb. Not to mention dated, probably moreso than any episode. Chekov also felt really OOC here, I don’t recall him ever being that stiff. Probably what annoys me most is that whenever I get to an episode, I loke looking at the production details, and I found out that the original plan flr this episode? It was to introduce Joanna, McCoy’s daughter (a fact that canon never brings up but seems to be considered canon far as I can tell). Mind you the original plot was still dumb and imo REALLY inappropriate flr sevwral reasons (Joanna and Kirk were gonna have feelings for one another... and McCoy would VERY understandably have multiple issues with that), but we got robbed of anlther McCoy-centric episode (McCoy’s been my saving grace aside from what I noted in the previous episode) that would have shes some light on his perosnal life flr space hippies?! WHO THOUGHT THAG WAS A GOOD IDEA?! Anyways, it’s not the worst episode of the season, but it’s still not good. 1/5.

The Cloud Minders: Again, it was fine. A cloud city is always a fun idea, though the limitations of 60’s special effects doesn’t make it as epic as it could have been. I’m realy running out of things to say here. There’s nothing that different from past episodes and it didn’t do it any better or worse. Not sure how I feel about how they resokved the confmict, but hey a resolution is a resolution. Also out of context there’s a pro-mask message in there and I approve that. Having a sky city where those below it are being opressed and forced into mines also gives me major RWBY vibes. That’s all I can really say about this one. Not bad, nothing new, but perfectly fine as it is. Better than space hippies at least. 3/5.

Three episodes remain. Holy cow, we’re almost done. It’s been two months now since this jurney began, and while there is still much more ahead, we’re almost done with the one that started it all. So... you know what? We’re finishing today. I have some stuff to do but now that the end is in signt, I am reaching it, damn it. Final three episodss thoughts will be posted later today. Let’s end this, people.

#st watchthrough #star trek tos

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kez2402 · 4 years

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Hang In There// Peter Parker (1)

Chapter 1

I've know Peter Parker my whole life. We lived in the same city, went to the same schools. We use to be best friends, key words: use to be. Ever since our journey into Midtown High, we lost touch. We found our own groups of friends, each differing very much from the other. Nevertheless, I still considered Peter Parker a friend. I got dragged into the popular group by none other than Harry Osborn, an old friend of Peter's, but also my older brother. To be quite honest, I didn't exactly feel like I fit in with my clique. I always envied the friendship that Peter shared with Ned and MJ, it was so innocent and true, something that didn't exist in many of the popular groups. So that's why I got out. I traded the popular status for friends who didn't care if I turned up in tracksuit bottoms over a mini skirt. We got classified as the 'nerds' of the school. Did I care? Absolutely not. I knew I was valued more with these three than with a group of ten or more.

Life at home wasn't what anyone would expect. Our mother died in a family house fire years ago, leaving our family.....broken. Our father, Norman Osborn, was never the same after it. He pushed us away, his work and company being prioritized over his own children. It was tough to say the least, but at least we had each other, and we both had Peter Parker. Harry always lived up to the definition of an older brother, that overprotective nature always coming through in some shape or form. We were known as the 'rich kids' but only Harry could ever carry that title so proudly. Being a 'rich kid' meant your parents were rich, with good high paying jobs, meaning there was very little time left for family. Which is why I practically grew up in the Parker household. Aunt May and Uncle Ben were like parents to me. They fed me, took care of me, loved me, something my brother and I never got off our father. Especially lately, there was a new experiment they had going and there was nothing that could pull him away from Oscorp. Turns out, I couldn't get away from it either.

It was Monday morning and it rained. And rained. And rained. You could call it pathetic fallacy for the weather certainly reflected my mood: gloomy. Why? Because we were going on a school trip. It wasn't the trip itself thag caused my gloomy mood, it was the place we were going to that caused it: Oscorp. The place that made a man love it more than he loved his own son and daughter. Strange things happen in Oscorp, most of which are brushed under the mat...... Like me.

I met up with Peter, Ned and MJ outside the gates of Midtown High. MJ being the only one with the brain cells to think of bringing an umbrella. We chatted about our weekends while we waited another five minutes for the bus to arrive. When it did, people were quick about getting out of the rain. Peter sat with Ned while I sat with MJ in front of them. It wasn't a long journey to Oscorp, maybe half an hour tops. The sight of the ugly glass building was enough to dampen my mood even further, Peter questioning it as we got off the bus.

"Hey, Sof. You okay?"

I smiled back at him and replied with a short 'yep' as the students of Midtown made their way into the building. There was something eery about Oscorp, something I couldn't put my finger on. Perhaps it was the events of that day many years ago that made me dislike the building so much. But nevertheless, I was here. It was interesting what they were showing us, from the beginning up until now. However, I took particular interest in the radioactive spider. Such a strange experiment. The affects of radiation on a spider. I was stood beside Peter, him spitting out random facts to me the whole time. I didn't mind though, it was cute to see him so passionate about science.

"Ow."

I saw Peter raise his hand to the back of his neck, rubbing it gently, a look of discomfort on his face. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

"You okay, Pete?"

He went pale very quickly and I thought he was going to pass out right there and then. So, I took him by the arm and guided him outside of Oscorp, hoping some fresh air would help. We sat on the top step of the stairway to the building, a glass panel saving us from the rain. The boy beside me kept his head in his hands, causing concern to build up inside me. I placed a hand on his back, I could feel his body flinch under my touch.

"Pete, how are you feeling?"

He removed his head from his hands, allowing me to see his eyes in behind the thick framed glasses. He gave me a small smile in return.

"I'll be fine, just nausea. It'll go away once Aunt May gives me some of her favourite medicine."

I chuckled at the brunet's simple joke, knowing all too well what medicine he was referring to. Some sort of homemade recipe Aunt May had discovered one day, we haven't looked back since. My friendship with Peter Parker had always played on my mind, morning, noon and night. Did he still consider me one? A friend? Or had I been demoted to simply an acquaintance? Someone he knew.

"We're still friends, right?"

Peter looked at me with confusion written across his face.

"Of course we are. You've been my best friend since...... Well forever."

A smile had made itself onto my face as we sat there. Just remembering all the memories from our childhood together, the stupid things we use to do, the amount of trouble we got into and of course, the consequences for them. It was Sof and Pete. Pete and Sof. You couldn't have one without the other. And it seems that, even though we had drifted, Sof and Pete are still the friends they were when they were ten years old.

_____________________________________

That evening I walked Peter home, to make sure he was okay after the incident at Oscorp. I had an errand to run that side of town anyways so it was really a win-win situation. We reached the Parker residence soon after five p.m., just in time for dinner. I stood outside the door as Peter walked in, looking back giving me a 'why aren't you coming in' look. I could hear Aunt May call from the kitchen saying he was just in time for dinner.

"Dinner is just ready, I'm sure there's plenth for another person."

"Oh, no I couldn't, Pete. Honestly I should probably be going."

I smiled at his efforts but he just raised an eyebrow at me, a smirk growing on his lips.

"May, you'll never guess who's come to visit."

My eyes widen with shock as I glare at the boy, if looks could kill he'd be dead a hundred times over. Without a second to spare Aunt May was at the door, a huge smile making it's way onto her face.

"Sophie!"

She wrapped me in a hug before pulling back, keeping her hands on my shoulders and looking at me.

"It's been so long! You've grown into a beautiful young woman. Hasn't she, Pete."

My eyes flickered over to Peter to see his cheeks go a new shade of red as he replied with a shy 'ye'. Next thing I know I'm being dragged inside for dinner. To say I didn't enjoy my time with the Parkers would be a complete lie because I truly did love it. That same warm and homely feeling had never left. It was as if I had only been over yesterday, not 3 years ago. Nevertheless, nothing had changed between us, it as something constant in a world of constant change.

"What's the time?" I asked, tidying up my dishes.

"It's half six."

I checked the time again to make sure I wasn't imaging things. I was so late. I rushed around the the kitchen helping where I could and collecting my things.

"Thank you so much for the food, May! It was lovely to see you again! Bye!"

I rushed out the door and got to the large building as soon as I could. I waited inside the waiting room for roughly fifteen minutes before a smart looking lady came out.

"He's ready to see you now."

I stood up and straightened out my outfit, presenting myself as confident despite my panic not so long ago. I entered the office and took a seat, as did he. Once comfortable I leaned back in my seat, crossing my legs.

"So, Mr. Stark, what can I do for you?"

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To read the full story go to Kez2402 on Wattpad or click on the link below:

#avengers #fanfic #marvel #wattpad #wattpadauthor #peter parker #spiderman #civil war #homecoming #tony stark #iron man

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