#even though all of us a struggling a lot

[furymint]

2023 Creator Reflection

ffxiv.

1. dance me to the end of love

this one was fun! i always like merging a character's outfit with the bg so i liked doing that again. picking the colors for elliots outfit was also enjoyable. ive wanted to make smth w that cover for a while

2. shame was still the tyrant of his life

i only wrote two nol and eli things this year and neither of them are finished. the first was a continuation of a scene where nol kisses elliot against the blue stained glass in his room--i once posted it but then i deleted it bc it made me feel woozy for its allusions to sex. i wanted to rebuild it and take a shot at it now that im comfortable writing n reading sex, but i never got very far. theres actually lots of nice parts! i just like nols dumb angsting the best!

3. valentine

i really wanted to focus on nol's eye here, but also not make it too obvious lol. i used a ps filter like a schmuck but i wanted it to be darker without making it even more difficult to see, so i took away their bodies and limited the colors to make it what it is.

4. amateur cracksmen

the second nol n eli wip, which doesnt have many interesting lines rn, was a raffles-inspired story where eli drags nol as his valet to a rival artist's house and tries to steal back the brooch that he bought from an underground dealer feat. much babbling abt the state of societal responsibility that war is supposed to bring

ffxvi.

1. herz an herz dir

i wrote some reflections about this one already here. i honestly was very (distressed voice) cant believe im writing pure fanfic for the first time in over ten years and lacked a lot of direction when i started bc uhhhhh terence has 8 and a half mins of screen time. i tried to convince myself that it's not much different than me stealing brucemont for my own evil devices, but the unique perspective of seeing quite so much fan content def influenced my interpretation. i wanted their relationship to be much more imbalanced from the get-go initially--dion using his power unintentionally and terence barely passing a thought abt it until later bc he's just so accustomed to obeying--but i ended up giving terence a lot more sway & ammunition in their argument. the breakfast bed thing is also smth im rly fond of.

2. mund an mund

there's also additional meta for this one here. i made a silly doodle abt it also. dion kept picking fights here! it honestly turned out how i expected. when i first started this fic, i was gonna have dion start out right in oriflamme and meet ter and kihel there, but i booted them to northreach so i could have this stretch of conflict. i think it's like. Bad Pacing. technically. if i still believe the conflict introduced in the next chapter is the core one, that is. which i sorrrrta do. but i dont care bc i rly like the visual of kihel laying in dion's lap and getting to put a gun on the wall w ahmed.

3. eines atems

its been two months since the last chapter and this chapter is humiliatingly not written. i have all my scrambled notes and scenes that i jotted down in between the first two chapters, so i have a full direction, but it's been really difficult to write lately. ive been devoting all my time to trying to recoup my mental health and work on my teredio secret santa. ill start next year with this wip as a priority, so for now i only have the photoshop edit for it. kihel is holding terence's hand--it's his pov turn.

overall i didnt like this year very much. i didn't read, create, research or do a lot even though i tried to. i became really disconnected from all of my friends bc im too tired to stay for rp or hold online conversations. at this point, i dont play ffxiv at all except the few times i managed to rp a little. i moved into nanny's house and have my own space, but don't have the presence of mind to do anything about my pc, books, and so on, although i did make a lot of progress rewrapping my books w fresh wraps and some other things. my plans for next year are to reach out to a couple of my friends, build my pc, relearn + rebuild + relaunch my queer lit blog on open source code, survive school, and rediscover the productivity ive lost the past few years.

teredio has helped me a LOT to find community, inspiration, and art in my loneliest year yet. im very proud of my fic and grateful every day to the ppl who have reached out to me about liking it. even if im sorry about my productivity rate in comparison to how many extraordinary writers there are in the ship's fandom, i know i have to be easy on myself to relearn how to write, create a writing schedule that works for me, and stop punishing myself when i cant get the words out.

past reflections:  2017 | 2018 | 2019 | 2020 | 2021 | 2022

#ngl writing this out made me feel like #i reopened a lot of grief about my ability to work and create #and i need to walk away from it before i cry even more lol #thank u to my fc for still being the place #i love to visit when i wake up #even though all of us a struggling a lot #with life and ingame motivation #brianna babbles

[darubyprincx]

to be, or not to be (romanticization of the inevitable)

#ray's tag #keys' art #undescribed #skeletons #ok to reblog #the skeleton model that i traced for this was provided by the incredible kiku @kikunai whom you can find right here on tumblr! #so uh. This is a piece about chronic fatigue although the original idea i had for it drifted a bit as soon as I started coloring the linear #(i really enjoy shading and lighting things and got a bit carried away here but i stand by my choice because this is my favorite thing #that i've ever drawn) #anyways. i often feel especially lately with school being back in season that my bones are leaden with this sort of. weariness. theyre heav #it weighs on our mental health and energy a lot and although there's a couple of reasons we have been given for it #that doesn't remove the fact that this is still a thing that affects us in a very real way day to day although we are good at masking it. #often i come home to find that i do not have the physical mental or creative energy to work on things i really want to #especially project: nexus which i feel extra bad about even though i can't help it because i just started it so recently #it is a mild to moderate struggle to make it day to day and i just. wanted to represent this somehow #my original concept for this was a skeleton with some black goop gunk whatever leaking from its joints #but as i started adding the cracks and coloring them gold (a personal touch; kintsugi is a concept that is very dear to us) #i realized that the focus here was less on the condition itself and more on the body that it afflicts. #so i put it into a spotlight. #ironic i know since very little people acknowledge this irl or even know it exists at all but i added rim lighting. I added color gradients #I colored the lineart and made it all fancy and even added a flare for the head to get the point across that even at its core; disability i #a performance. this is not implying that disabilities are fake in fact this is the opposite of that. i wanted to show that with disabilitie #especially i think in my personal opinion the invisible ones #we are all masking at least a little bit during the vast majority of the day. humans are social creatures and it is only when we are alone #or with someone we deeply trust where we allow ourselves to be who we truly are without fear and even then that can be rare #so i wanted to show this bit of the soul in as broad a limelight as i could. idk this is a really abstract piece and i dont know if anyone #will even get it but it matters to me at least. and even though we've been largely bedridden for the past week i think that's okay #we will get it figured out. all of us. okay? okay. i love you. i fucking love you. we are going to fucking make it #(also the xes over the eyes are because i thought they looked cool they have no deeper meaning at least i think they dont #actually i think they do but i cant put it into words idk. Art is subjective assign your own meaning i'm gonna go get a shower)

[daily-hanamura]

#persona 4 #p4 #persona 4 golden #p4g #hanamura yosuke #yosuke hanamura #this scene gets to me because it reveals how a lot of yosuke's talk about getting a gf or meeting a girl and all of that is just... talk #on the one hand it's atlus needing the best friend character to fill that role of “lets check out girls!” #on the other hand it also reads to me as another facade of yosuke's struggle to meet his idealised conception of an average teenage boy #see it's funny because even in the first instance the role is always a bit deeper than it is #slight spoilers for p3 and p5!!! #but in junpei's case regardless of his flirtations he doesnt actually reciprocate or is even a potential LI for femmc #in ryuji's case when ann turns on the charm and offers to go on a date with him he tells her off and says that she should be like herself #i think that theres always a surprising level of nuance to be found with that skirt-chasing stereotype atlus likes to give us #i think yosuke's narrative here quite closely parallels junpei's in that theyre actually super devoted people #and yosuke has found an attachment to saki in the way junpei had with chidori so of course hes not willing to compromise on it #its such a mixed thing because even though he knew saki's kindness to him was probably faked yosuke's loyalty to her was already set #yosuke strikes me as the type of person that if youre nice to him once he'll follow you for life #i love that nanako was the one that responded to yosuke with like “oh like homework?” and yosuke gently plays along #its evocative of his tendency to shoot his mouth off only to quickly cover it up with a joke #but yu is there in the room as well listening and empathising and i think it was a moment that really #revealed to us (and yu) yosuke's underlying motivations and beliefs #even if it was sandwiched between the moment of yosuke trying to look at yu's prn #or perhaps especially because it was sandwiched between that moment the juxtaposition becomes more salient #that such talk from yosuke functions as a distraction from the anguish and ennui he feels about losing saki #he's good with his queue

[abimee]

hey I just wanted to say that b&g is one of my favorite pieces of undertale art in general. I'm muslim and the way you depict toriel reminds me of my own mother and other older muslim women that I meet a lot. It's very comforting. I don't see a lot of depictions of middleaged muslim women with dignity and respect that often. Of course, I love everything about your au and how you write all the characters, but toriel specifically really hits home for me

aww im really happy to hear that anon thank you :,,---( i remember Toriel originally wasnt supposed to be that big in my B&G world but with other characters getting their own time to shine (Kris and Susie about being teenagers trying to handle their struggles on their own, Undyne in being in her 20s but stuck in the past, etc) Toriel started developing in my mind, and her story is sort of an amalgam of all sorts of mothers and women ive met through babysitting and my own mother (though my mom isnt muslim as im a convert, so its all in just personality) so hearing someone else sees a little of their own mother in her warms me heart :,---] ty again

#i really wanted to tell a story with toriel of how often mothers feel like they have to give away their life for their children #not in that their children are burdens but in how isolating it can become to be a mother especially in the boomer/millenial era #my own mother talked a lot about how she didnt regret having us but she just couldnt pursue things about herself after being a mother #and toriel was going to be about how society and the culture around parenthood is so isolating and demanding #and her divorce from asgore was freeing her up to all these experiences she thought she was never going to have #because even though she lost what she thought was her support she was going to find it in the people around her #like undyne looking after her children and her making new friends in her older age #and her just finding community and realizing she has so much of her life ahead of her #it all just sort of comes back to watching my own mother grow through her divorce and how much it never really affected me #because while my mother Was struggling she was still her own person and not just My Mom or my Dads Wife #and she had a life she wanted to live And children she wanted to care for #boys & girls #fanart

[cerise-on-top]

Hello! Are you still writing hcs?

Graves with a spouse(writing this as a husband for him myself 🥰) who loves sewing and knitting, or some something amongst 'cozy hobbies' like embroidery, reading, poetry or baking. Just wondering How a relationship would be between them or how Graves would act.

Your writing is very lovely btw! I fell in love with it, very beautiful!

Hello! I am still writing HCs, it'll probably be a little bit longer until I take a proper break! That was a really cute request, I liked that one! Domestic and sweet stuff like that is always the best, so thank you for bestowing a request like that upon me! (❀❛ ֊ ❛„)♡

Graves with a Spouse with Cozy Hobbies

As mentioned already, Graves loves feeling like the big, strong, useful man in the relationship, so he’d absolutely love you even more if you have “soft and cozy” hobbies like the ones you mentioned. While he is very much a talker, something like knitting can be done while holding a conversation, so he’ll definitely talk to you as you work on your next project. He thinks it’s really awesome, the way your hands move so quickly to create something like a sweater, a scarf, or even a plushie. You don’t really look at him, way too absorbed in your project and not wanting to make even a single mistake, but you still spend time with him. It’s ideal, he can tell you the newest, juiciest gossip among his Shadows while you make him the coziest sweater he’s ever seen. Lets you measure him, if you need and want to, because he really wants that sweater. You wanna put a cute little motif, like a cup of coffee on it as well? He’ll fall in love even more than before.

But even when he’s tired, he wants to spend his time with you. Instead of talking, he’ll lean against you and watch you crochet a bit before nodding off ever so slowly. It’s nice, it’s repetitive, for the most part, and it’s also quiet. By the time he wakes up he gets to see more of your beautiful creation, so that’s a big plus. And when he isn’t dozing off against you, he’s more than happy to hold your yarn and make it a bit longer when you need it. There’s something magical about watching you crochet. He had to crochet in elementary school, but, since he didn’t want to sit down for something like that, he wasn’t very good at it. His strengths always lied elsewhere, so it’s fascinating to him that you can sit in the same position for hours on end, barely moving, and still having fun. The only time he has to do that is when he’s filing reports, and afterwards he needs something to take his mind off of those.

Graves, every time he’s about to go out without you, will always ask you if you need anything from the arts and crafts stores, willing to buy you the loveliest fleece for felting if you ask him for it. Hell, if you want to sell your plushies, or your creations in general, he’s probably the best man to have on your side. Especially when it comes to plushies. Some of his Shadows have families with children, so he knows some of them would love your creations. Might sometimes ask you if you could knit or crochet a baby wooly hat for one of them, if you have the time, since his Shadows know you can be trusted with a task like that. You will always be reimbursed, either by his Shadows or by Graves himself. Sometimes he does like to gift his Shadows something you made and pretend they bought it. You’ll always get your money, but it might sometimes be out of Graves’ pocket.

He definitely likes the domesticity of it. He can go about his day, certain you won’t get hurt, unless you’re sewing or embroidering. But he’d never stop you from pursuing a craft like that. In fact, he’ll actively encourage you, always asking about your projects and wanting to know if he can help you in any way. He wants to see your embroidery, your crocheting, your sewing, as well, so he might gently pick it up from time to time, view it from every angle and give you feedback a la Graves, praising you like only he could.

When you’re a baker you can be sure he’ll taste test your stuff every single time. He has a bit of a sweet tooth, not too much, but he loves you, so he’s willing to eat everything you make. If you’re up making cookies, then he’ll help you by either buying you the best, most reliable hand mixer he can find, or by stirring the dough himself so your arms won’t get too tired. This he does under the condition that he gets to be the first person to try your cookies, your cake, your cobbler. He may not be the worst baker, but he can still learn a lot from you. That he does with all the love in the world, looking at you with an adoring expression as you put the baked goods in the oven, waiting for them to finish. Always has a big smile on his face when he watches you be this content with your life. While you wait for it to properly bake, he’d sometimes ask you to play card games with him. Always lets you win on purpose during those times since you always look so happy when you win. Afterwards he rewards you with a kiss.

While he may be everything but a fan of poetry, he can respect you being one. Will listen to everything you have to say about them, from your analyses to you reading one out loud. If you have a few poets you like especially well then Graves will bend his back trying to find beautiful anthologies of their works. Maybe some books with a few gold engravings that would look well on a shelf. He wants you to know that, despite him not being interested, he still supports you. While you’re reading a book, he might sneak up on you, startle you and then take you into his arms, trying to get you comfortable so you can continue to read. Might glance at your book from time to time to get a feeling for what you’re reading. If it’s something especially cheesy he might chuckle a bit and call you out on being a hopeless romantic, giving you a kiss to your nose afterwards.

Overall, he likes it. It’s nice, not having to worry about you going god knows where and ending up injured. Besides, he always has something nice to come home to, whether that be some beautiful embroidery of violets or a Sachertorte you made from scratch. Will always praise you for doing well, will always make sure you have the means to keep creating, baking and reading. Does his best to keep it that way as well, you’re his precious little darlin’ and you deserve the world and so much more in his eyes.

#cod #cod x reader #phillip graves #phillip graves x reader #I know there are a lot of us who feel that way but I am one of the many people to have a love-hate relationship with Graves #would I beat the living daylights out of him if he ever talked to me? yes #would I also tend to his wounds if I found him injured and in pain? absolutely #he also sort of made me realise that a southern accent is actually kind of charming #apparently people from the south also grill religiously which is lovely since my parents do the same so I'm used to that #Graves is a stinker and I'd rather get pulped than admit I like him #even so it's lovely to see Graves' husband come here and tell me something cute and sweet! kudos to you for being open about him! #I used to hate him. then I struggled to hate him. now I hate him again but I'd put a Hatsune Miku bandaid on him if he cut himself #stupid idiot and yet I follow a few people on here who pretty much only post about Graves with a few others here and there #mans is an enigma to me I don't know what to make of him at all except he's kind of fun #good to see I get to write about him as well though!

[your-fave-is-christian]

I have a dumb question, and I really hope this doesn’t sound rude. What’s the logic for some of the characters? Like, if they’re the “hero” in their storyline, but they don’t seem to follow Biblical doctrine… does that even count? I’m sorry if that sounds snotty; I don’t mean to have an attitude.

No, you're fine!!

Short answer: I don't know, I'm not the one sending in the characters 😂

But really I would say there's not necessarily a consistent logic that they have to fit. That's part of the beauty of Christianity, isn't it? Anyone who repents and believes is welcome; it's not limited to any certain type of people. For the characters people are sending in here, I think there are a few categories. There are some that fit what you said, who already hold Christian morals and who one could easily headcanon as being Christian within the story. Sometimes people send in villains who they want to have redemption arcs and become Christian. Sometimes it's characters who are Christian; mostly it's characters people would like to see become Christian.

#my favorite character who i headcanon as Christian is one who generally has very Christian morals and really wants to do good #but also lies a lot. and i think in that case it's like i could see him being Christian in the story #because Christians aren't perfect and even people who don't have their whole act together can believe #I'm not justifying continuing to do wrong. I'm trying to figure out how to phrase it #i think there's some post I've seen about how even terrible characters who do terrible things can be Christian #if they're repentant i think? point being that all of us are sinners and a character doesn't have to be perfectly good to be a believer #because none of us are. and a line from a song i know 'though I'm wretched i am not faithless' about a character who #has done bad things and is struggling to reconcile his actions with God's love and forgiveness #anyway. i was saying the character i like comes across to me as an imperfect Christian but also as someone who could really benefit from #learning and growing in the faith. i want to see that character grow morally stronger and become more like Jesus!!! #it would be good for him 🤷‍♀️ #and that's kinda the point of most of the characters people send. they either seem like they could genuinely BE Christian #or are characters people think really need Christianity in their lives #sometimes it's 'this character seems Christian' and sometimes it's 'i like this character and want them to become Christian' #i think characters who don't follow Biblical doctrine fall under either imperfect and learning Christian or needs Jesus in their life #ask

[eebie]

meteor shenanigans are the most fun to write

#i imagine they mustve gotten so fucking bored on there and just did whatever #To keep themselves from sinking into understimulation hell #Dave rose and kanaya my favorite dynamics to write even though this was my first time doing kanaya i had a lot pf fun with her #But im sure i dont reallt have her character voice yet it comes with practice ig #theyre just so silly together ^-^ #like a little trio of birds all hanging out in the same birdbath #My drabbles #homestuck #hc dave mispronouncing silly shit because #he probably barely talked irl bc who tr was he gonna chat with ?? Bro?????? LMAO #and as someone who reads more words than i speak . tha struggle is real sometimes #I used to say variety like viarity. Like rarity from mlp #Anyways one of my friends keeps going on about how someone wont stop bringing up the way they pronounce lasagna So that’s what inspired thi #FUCK I JUST NOTIF3D A BAD TYPO BUT PPL AOREADY REGLOGGED THISSS #I fixed it but its already t0o lateee

[1111-sunset-circle]

this post got me thinking about bodies and the way that we fit together with our f/os. do your fingers interlock perfectly? does their palm seem to rest perfectly on the small of your back? how do you match up with each other when you’re cuddling or hugging?

#im obsessed with this #physical touch is so beautiful.. #i struggle personally with it being a proper love language #since i can’t always handle giving/receiving touch #it used to be my number one love language though!!! so i appreciate it a lot #and i understand people who love it so much #anyways. #adam’s hands fit nicely on my waist. #he also just fits perfectly behind me when he hugs me #barbara loves to rest her head on my shoulder #mozzie loves all physical touch even though he will Not admit it #his chin fits in my palm and if i cup his face he’ll lean into my touch or forward towards me #like a cat… #maybe this is heaven? #in heaven there wouldn't be dust on everything #love is the ultimate con #four seasons #f/o imagines #romantic f/o #imagine your f/o #platonic f/o #imagine your platonic f/o #imagine your romantic f/o #imagine your familial f/o #familial f/o #barrywriting

[oneleggedgiraffe]

Started playing arknights a few weeks ago so the naturally next step was to make ninjago designs. This is the first half I’ll post the other batch once I finish them jgfdghj

#ninjago #lego ninjago #arknights #lloyd garmadon #Kai Smith #nya smith #designing them was no problem but coloring them was kinda difficult #lloyd was fine but once i got to kai #i struggled a lot with balancing the colors #and with nyas i tried to plan it out a bit more but you can tell i had no idea what to do with the shoes #in retrospect i shouldve either completely dropped the neon blue or used it in a lot more places #the dark blue and the orange went together well so i ended up using them a lot #even though the orange isnt in her original color scheme #anyways im quite happy with all of them despite all im saying

[bpd4bpd]

anyone else's lack of emotional permanence contributes a LOT to their imposter syndrome?? i know its a bit paradoxical since thats literally a symptom of bpd AND adhd but my silly self likes to grasp at any straws i can to "proof" im faking

#actually bpd #bpd #actually adhd #actually borderline #like when im alone i mostly feel empty and like theres a curtain of apathy #separating me and my emotions #and i use that as a sort of ''gotcha'' that i dont experience 'extreme' emotions which is one of the main symptoms of bpd #even though. i guess a lack of emotions is also an emotional extreme #and then when im w my fp/friend and try to explain to them what i feel like alone #i literally Forget what i feel like and all of my thoughts and my overthinking spirals EVERYTHING #just GONE #like i know i experienced it bc i remember it but i cant put any concrete thoughts abt it together #so then im like ''oh well. if u cant remember your struggles at all then youre faking'' #i feel like this also has a lot to do w me not being able to. recognize myself or my personality or what im like #identity disturbance swag #wow that was a RANT

[dollsome-does-tumblr]

with the disclaimer that i am definitely prone to negative thinking and that i don’t have a super wide social circle so i haven’t, of course, observed what it’s like for a ton of kids and younger people these days!--

does anyone else just .......... yearn for a time when the internet wasn’t so everywhere?

in particular, i feel sad for kids, because screens are like having ten thousand pieces of candy in front of you at every second. like, how do you resist the lure? how can you NOT want it? how can you not get addicted?? it’s shiny infinite entertainment! but then everything you do is filtered through this device. (this is where i’m gonna get really judgy in a way that’s maybe over-simplistic and too negative. i know there are tons of benefits to the internet and all the information and content we have access to today! i’m just not talking about those in this post.) like, what chance do the old activities have, like doing art or playing board games or reading physical books or going outside or doing science experiments or even just watching a handful of movies over and over because those were the only options you had in your at-home video library?? (as opposed to youtube throwing endless content at young viewers via algorithm.) or even just sitting around being bored, with naught but your own thoughts???

i also find it wild that it’s so expected that from a very young age everyone in your family has this extremely expensive technological device. (like, i feel like my parents definitely would not have been willing to buy me a hundreds-of-dollars mini-computer to carry around all the time that could’ve easily gotten broken ... but it was such a different time, this being the norm would have been unimaginable!) is it hard to opt out of smart phone culture for kids? is it even acceptable to be like “my kid isn’t going to have a smartphone/ipad/whatever until high school” anymore?

i’m just really feeling the pressure of there being infinite options for screen entertainment at every moment. it has REALLY scrambled my brains as a 30-something adult. so it makes me really curious how it feels to grow up in that environment without having ever experienced what it was like before, when your options were still plentiful (”having fun isn’t hard when you’ve got a library card!”) but much, much, much more limited. i kinda feel like you could get deeper and more profound enjoyment out of things just because there wasn’t a part of you always wondering “okay, what next?” that could be instantly gratified.

but again! i am definitely old-man-yells-at-clouds as my default setting, and therefore prone to complaining about the age of technological marvels we are living in. still ... omg, i’m so tired. i’m just really curious about whether something truly has been lost, or if that’s just how i feel because i’m nostalgic for how it was when i was younger and the internet was way more niche and one part of life that it was easy to put down and walk away from rather than EVERYWHERE ALL THE TIME.

#i'm starting to realize that i think there's just a limit to how much new info your brain is supposed to get every day #and by 'info' i mean everything from world news to the most mundane status update #it's just so much! it's so much!!! no wonder i can't think creative thoughts anymore. #and i have never used tiktok and i don't really get instagram culture even though there are some accounts i follow regularly over there #and i've never really figured out twitter #so i feel like a lot of the internet/social media landscape right now i don't even understand #and i'm *still* so burned out! #anyway this is something i'm super curious to talk about with others and see how you feel about it all! #(also -- i'm super bad at having self control and just stepping away from the internet & going to do something else #so it's possible lots of people don't struggle w/ this like i do!) #dollsome's deep thoughts #also kids have parents to monitor their internet use whereas i just have me. and i am not a good monitor ... er. oof!!!!!!

[cookies-over-yonder]

cookies sad hour whining hour ignore me (<- actually loves attention)

#i'm sad because i wish people would message me first more #i'm always the person who messages first #but when other people send me messages it makes me feel like oh you actually like talking to me and wanted to reach out and talk to me and #are giving me attention without me messaging first #i am a person who needs a lot of attention #and i don't mind asking for it bc i'm the kind of person who says what i want and need #but i get really sad at it sometimes because #when i'm feeling depressed or anxious then i isolate myself and if other people were to reach out to me first more then it would be less #likely to happen #like i even just want people to check in on me every now and then. ask me how i'm feeling if i've mentioned going through a depressive #episode #or whatever mental troubles #idk why i'm feeling so emotional about this suddenly #like i don't mind messaging people first but i guess when it comes to me struggling badly then i WISH people would message me to ask me #how i'm doing #@ all my friends reading this i am not upset at anyone at all btw i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert #almost no one messages me first which is whatever cuz i'm chatty and used to initiating conversations but i guess it also makes me sad #i dont ask people to because i'm not about to force people to be doing something that is uncomfortable for them #i do ask people to check in on me though if they know i'm having an episode #idk if it rly happens though #i just sometimes fear that if i stopped pulling my weight in relationships due to a mental health crisis that all of my friendships will di #because i'm the one who initiates everything #again i'm not upset at anyone i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert #vent #you can heart this or reply or whatever idc but rbs are off for obvious reasons

[forcedhesitation]

top ten dumbest things I've done.

number 4: try to play killer with bad wifi AND while mmr cap is altered so good killer players (me) are primarily playing against good survivors (usually swfs)

#thoughts about media #man I want to play dbd SO BAD. #I've not been able to play since reset because my PC had issues and now the internet is struggling. #I don't care about hitting iri 1. I just want to progress the rift!!!! #and boy does it grate on my nerves to go against players I KNOW I could beat. but lose bc lag. #it keeps stopping me for periods of several seconds. #if you play dbd you know that losing even 3 seconds of time is a fucking disaster. #because that's all it takes. one mistake. and the whole game will go in the other side's turn. #especially if you're the killer. and especially if you're playing against swfs with even mediocre skill level. #like am I glad to have learned that. yes. I am high mmr and therefore good at both hux & ghostface? eeeyes. #I have self confidence issues. Of course the affirmation is nice. #but does learning this in the most blood boiling. skin tearing. teeth gnashing way possible piss me off a bit? also yes. #am I ultimately angry about losing though? no. #my priority is the rift and completing it so I get the exclusives & earn back the currency I used to pay for it. #I'm going to have to grind the bloody rift when this internet issue resolves itself. #it is doable within like. a week. i'd wager. but ugh that is a lot of gameplay nonetheless. to go from tier 35 to tier 83. #ah. the joys of living in the middle of fucking nowhere.

[perenlop]

alsooooo btwwwww ive been thinking of timeline stuff for my kirbyverse and i think like, for the most part all the main series games are in chronological order except for kirby super star (ultra), which chronologically happens first. super star is basically kirby’s origin story and how he became the hero of dreamland and popstar 

(i also like it bc super star ultra was kumazaki’s first real kirby game as director and thats the start of his modern kirby content so its like a new beginning for that era as well as being the start of kirby’s journey)

#i like to think he meets all the helpers in this game spread out across the subgames too #with knuckle joe being his first ally (and marx is like his proto helper hes the first friend kirby ever made but he doesnt do shit LOL) #(is totally not biased towards knuckle joe) #i actually used to have like this small story arc with kirby and joe where joe believed he was going to be the one to save dreamland #from dedede in spring breeze and he views kirby as his sidekick bc at that point kirby was rather unassuming and no one knew abt his powers #not even kirby himself (reflecting how kirby couldnt use copy abilities in the original dreamland) #baby puffballs are generally supposed to be very fragile and weak but kirby is an oddity in that hes actually fairly durable #and copy abilities are exclusive to him actually. (and ig keeby and the other kirbies but ngl. i dont count them as canon SDKLFJSDLF) #so meta knight never had copy abilities at any point in his life. neither did galacta. they both had to learn to use weapons #anyways though kirby would defeat the bosses in spring breeze in ways that sorta looked like accidents at first glance so joe shrugged em of #off #but when they fought dedede knuckle joe got defeated and seeing him knocked out spurred kirby to fight #and in the process he gets the hammer ability... the rest is history #but joe would struggle with his pride for a while feeling insignificant compared to kirby and he struggles to defeat a lot of bosses #bc his insecurities keep getting in the way and he gets like resentful of kirby... but then kirby reveals that joe is the one who inspires h #him to be strong and that he wants to be just like him and that he misses how much joe cared about him... #and after this conversation kirby would use the fighter ability for the first time (with a matching headband w joe) #damn typing that out makes me want to keep this actually it kinda fucks) #echoed voice

[moe-broey]

Boots :)

Another Started As A Test Subject and now they're literally the only thing I ever fucking wear. Idk how well it shows in the pics but they are badly cracked and have been worn into the ground but like. Shoe comfy :(

Also the wings are a new addition! The inner ones slap against each other. Doesn't really bother me personally though so I'm keeping them as is 😅 Oh, and the laces are paracord!

#funnily enough these are also something i got at the beginning of my transition thinking 'oh yeah this is masc. surely.' #final tangent but this is why insane fucking terfs/transphobes who are like #'noooo don't transition what about our butches what about our tomboy gfs :((((' #i was literally never either of those things. #they are all so stupid 🥲 (for. a lot of very obvious reasons LMFAOO but specifically for that as well.) #but yeah i literally used fashion and artsy self expression as a way to cope LMFAOOO #and as a way to draw attention away from myself. despite. drawing SO much attention to myself. #seems counter intuitive and i won't argue w you there LMAOO it was to sort of just. be like. #look at my cute outfit :) don't. don't even think about the guy underneath them. #AND it was ALSO the only way i could somehow feel some semblance of self. cause i did truly love what i'd wear #and then i'd wonder why i'd break down crying at the thought of what i am without those clothes. #just? a girl? the idea gutted me and made me want to tear my skin off with my nails and teeth #but like. i'm sure this has zero implications about me. who i am. ect. and has nothing to do w trans thoughts i had in middle school. #time to pick a perfect outfit and get a good grade in Girl™ 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊 #nowadays i just wake up put on a band tee and i'm just some guy. forever and always. it's so fucking cool #literally does not matter if it's a pants day or a shorts and tights day i'm just some guy. it's so fucking awesome 😎👍 #for real even though i do still struggle w dysphoria some days worse than others i am so at peace. #i just wish everyone saw me the way i do. i literally cannot comprehend how anyone looks at me and goes #'ah....... a woman.' like. dude. for real? what are you seeing that i don't. #like bro!!! way not cool!!!! lame ass motherfucker!!!! #<- GSJSGSJ WAIT WHEN DID I USE THIS TAG BEFORE LMFAOO?? IT'S. SO FITTING HERE HAHAHAHA #anyways i was gonna say idk if i saw a motherfucker who's clearly striving for some androgyny #and a sick ass mullet no matter what immediately registers in my mind that i may have to correct later #i'm just. going to assume. they are some type of queer. and i am avoiding pronouns/gendered language #til they tell me 'oh yeah i'm :) and my pronouns are :)' and i'd adjust accordingly. #like idk that's so normal to me. what's not clicking for literally everyone else. #UGH ANYWAY i've been ranting and infodumping way too long i wanna get ready for bed now LMFAO #also if at any point you've looked at these pics and thought 'damn bitch you live like this' #yes. i know. i'm aware. i do live like this LMFAO 🫡😔 #my projects

[siena-sevenwits]

Disclaimer: These thoughts are more emotionally than logically expressed, and reflect my own experience and preference.

#I have some beef with Lockwood and I say this as someone who really enjoys both the show and the books. #I've been doing a rewatch to introduce it to my dad (who loves it!) but we just hit Episode 5 and - is it just me but does this episode #plunge rather deeper into the darkness than we see in the previous episodes? It makes sense narratively of course #Complete Fiction has the task of structuring it such that there's a proper midpoint shift in the series and in my own works I increase #the stakes around this point and really let the protagonists struggle. So it's not so much that I have an issue with things getting #more focused dangerous and difficult. I don't know that I have a logical reason for the unease I feel with Episode 5 - there's just somethi #vaguely disturbing to me about it. It may be my own personal sensitivities. The interrogation scene at Winkman's has absolutely nothing #graphic about it and I appreciate the discretion - but it's just so intense - the threats to draw on Lockwood's face with the heated #instrument - the whole electric shocks sequence - I have been told I have a particularly vivid and empathetic imagination so I may just #be filling in too many gaps and feeling the scene more intensely than some would but it genuinely bothered me. More so on rewatch #though I didn't like it the first time either. I wonder too if it's because on rewatch I can compare it to the scene in the book #Gosh - the book scene is *comedic!* 'Let's disguise ourselves as ditzy tourists and while you check the backroom I'll let my coins #fall all over the place and crawl around under the tables loaded with antiques and freak the owners out! And when they get caught #Winkman just lifts them off the ground menacingly and chucks them in the street. The fact that we had to turn this into a midnight #torture scene for TV - I don't know - I don't like it. And just the atmosphere isn't as balanced as in the other episodes. So many flashbac #to grotesque corpse faces which are somehow a lot more disturbing than the CGI ghosts which feel much more Halloweenish #Not much love and light carved out in the darkness. There's some for sure! And even in the torture scene that bugs me I appreciate how it #shows Lockwood's heart and allows us to explore some meaningful territory that the ditzy tourist scene doesn't #I'm just griping and mainly hoping that the rest of the series is more how I remember it from first watch. The warmth of the Portland #Row gang means a lot to me. Stacking this dark feel on top of the discomfort I have with the harsh language rubs me the wrong way #(Thankfully I have online filters so the language isn't an issue for me but it does make me more reluctant to recommend to friends.