#even if you're happy and well-adjusted and not struggling with depression or anxiety or something else

[licorishh]

"Everyone's a little ADHD"

you should throw your cup full of water directly on the electrical socket and you should stick a fork in it and you should go run over to that stranger and kiss them cause hey you've never done that before and you should shout a curse word at the top of your lungs just to see what that person over there would do if you did and you should grab that butter knife you just put in the drawer and as a test to see if it'd work as well as a steak knife you should poke yourself in the shoulder would that feel funny? maybe i don't know now run away from home even if you have a great relationship with your parents tie yourself to a tree and wait and see if someone will notice you're gone snap your phone in half purposefully try to hyperextend your knee you've done it before and it didn't hurt that bad so why would it hurt to do it again? everyone is watching you it's so loud it's so bright you want to strangle that person over there because they're chewing too loudly and that light is flickering and your head is splitting open and if someone looks at you again you're gonna start crying but you're in a class you can't run out of the room you're stuck you're stuck you're trapped wait what did the teacher say? you missed that when was the due date she didn't write it down now you don't know what you need the bell is ringing the class is over the teacher is busy with other students you're still sitting here you're wasting time the next class is starting soon wait was there homework? probably not you would've written it down if there were so you can leave now you home you're tired wait did you eat lunch? no you didn't have time you're starving you make yourself a sandwich hey you should throw your cup of water directly on the electrical socket and you should stick a fork in it and you should throw your sandwich on the floor so you have to remake it again or you could leave it there and let the dog eat it even though you know it would make him incredibly sick wait your mom is calling you you forgot to do the dishes ok stop making the sandwich do the dishes finish the dishes check your phone oh that artist posted! scroll through pinterest an hour goes by you forgot to eat the meat and cheese are still out and they're probably spoiled you put them back in the fridge and hope your parents won't notice and now it's time to go to bed and your head hits the pillow and you drift off to sleep and morning comes and it happens again and again and again.

But sure, "Everyone's a little ADHD."

#i'm actually not frustrated surprisingly just feeling compelled #adhd #text post #neurodiversity #i'm aware writing a wall of text regarding adhd is a bit of an oxymoron but i'm making a point #intrusive thoughts are the part of adhd everybody's too afraid to talk about #even if you're happy and well-adjusted and not struggling with depression or anxiety or something else #you just become numb to these kinds of thoughts #and i barely touched on it here. it gets plenty worse #sometimes it's silly things that make you roll your eyes like “throw the pillow at the wall” #other times it's “hurt someone you care about just to see if it's as bad as it looks in the movies” #it's scary but you gradually get to the point where you don't even flinch when it happens. it becomes a part of your daily routine. #you've just accepted that sometimes you feel like a psychopath even though you're not #before any neurotypicals ask me yes i'm perfectly fine lol #i'm at a point in my life where i'm joyful and happy and thankful and i feel wonderful and i'm grateful to be able to say that #this is just how it is to live with this kind of thing. it's an inevitability that i must accept or else i'm lying to myself #if this is something you live with too then believe me i understand. it's a bigger deal than some people make it out to be. #i hope i hope i hope that everyone like me who lives like this is able to make peace with it someday like i have #you are not creepy. you are not a sociopath. you are not dangerous. you just have a different brain just like me #normally i don't talk about stuff like this but i know this kind of thing can make people feel awfully alone because no one talks about it #and i don't want anyone to feel that way. it's a miserable feeling and no one should have to experience it. #if you're unclear as to the point i was making here #there's a pretty common theme of neurotypicals brushing it off and saying things like “everybody has a little adhd” #and essentially implying that what makes adhd adhd is just how human beings operate inherently (it isn't) #i'm tired of seeing people say that kind of thing #because it is a monumental weight and a struggle for millions of people around the world #and making fun of it or diminishing its significance is incredibly cruel #and it really isn't funny. it's really not. you may think it's amusing to make fun of people with things like adhd or autism #but you will never understand the weight these people carry. they are human beings and treating them as anything but is despicable. #do not treat them like children. do not treat them as sub-human just because you feel inconvenienced or annoyed by them.

[inlovewithhisblueeyes]

Borrowed

Pairing: Henry Cavill x Reader

Word Count: ~1.4k

Warnings: Talks about Suicide, Survivor’s Guilt, Depression, Parental Abuse, Panic Attacks, Use of Platonic Pet Names

A/N: Today is my 22nd birthday. I have always had issues regarding my birthday and getting older. I spent 12 years of my life actively wishing I was dead and never expecting to make it to 18. It’s hard for me to understand that I’m still here 4 years after my believed expiry date. I’m getting better each year at dealing with all the feelings that come with my birthday. I’m okay and this piece helped me get out what I struggle with telling others. The nice thing at least is this year I’m not spending this day alone.

You let out a shaky breath as you laid out in the grass. The stars were just barely shining through the cloudy sky above you. The night breeze was still warm enough that you didn’t need a jacket. It would have been a pleasant night if the voices lurking in the back of your mind had taken some time off for once.

Tonight they were screaming at you, louder than ever before. Their voices bounced off the walls your mind, echoing endlessly. The pain in your chest was too much to bare. It was a crushing weight that threatened to flatten you to utter nothingness. No matter what you did to cope it just wasn’t working like it normally would.

Tonight they were screaming at you, louder than ever before. Their voices bounced off the walls your mind, echoing endlessly. The pain in your chest was too much to bare. It was a crushing weight that threatened to flatten you to utter nothingness. No matter what you did to cope it just wasn’t working like it normally would.

You had to swallow down the bile that was trying to creep up your throat. There was an ever present fear seeping from every single pore as you did the one card you had left to play. You didn’t want to do this on tonight of all nights. Hands shaking you type out the words that could save or damn you.

10:28 PM Midnight Picnic. Delivered …. Read ✓

The swell of anxiety becomes too much as you wait for those little dots to appear. You toss your phone next to you as you struggle to hold back tears. The voices seem grow into a roar as the minutes slip away. Everything he ever said to you is stuck on repeat in your head

Burden….

You held him back…

It was your fault…

You ruined his life…

If only you hadn’t been born…

You didn’t deserve to be alive…

They all loved him better than you…

Useless…

Replaceable…

Selfish…

You hadn’t even realized that the tears had burst out, painting your cheeks, your neck, your shirt and most likely staining the ground under you. It’s not until you feel something pressing down on you and warmness chasing the tears off your face that you realize you had been hyperventilating. A soft clicking comes from somewhere behind you as you finally open your tear-blinded eyes. There, resting on top of your shaking form, was a fuzzy face you knew too well.

“Kal, up,” the figure behind you utters,” You gotta let her up, boy.”

The bear of a dog gave a disappointed huff before doing as his master commanded. You felt warm hands gently help you sit up and soon after you feel a solid mass against your back and two long legs incase yours. If anything, the close contact caused your panicking to cease only for a moment. Henry’s arm wrap around your shoulders and he settles you against him. Kal lays himself down by the two of you.

“I’m here for you, Bunny. I know how you might be a little trapped right now, but I want you to try and listen to me alright,” he whispers and waits for the nod that comes between your gasping breaths,” See you’re doing so well already. Remember that exercise your gram does with you. I know you do. Can I help you with it?”

You nod again as you try to unscramble the wires in your brain. You feel his breath tickle the top of your head as he continues to hold you tightly.

“Good bunny. I want you to try and tell me 5 things you can see. Take all the time you need okay?”

“St-t-tars…” You start between gulps, “Grass…..Kal…..uhmmm”

“You can do it, sweetheart,” Henry says as he reaches down and gives your shaking hands a squeeze.

“Your Flops… Trees..”

“Now 4 you can feel.”

“Your Hand…the ground…the breeze…my shirt,” You respond with your voice a bit stronger than before.

“You’re doing great. 3 things you can hear,” Henry adds giving your hands another squeeze.

“You..me..the bugs.”

“We’re almost there. Tell me 2 things you can smell.”

“My lotion and detergent,” You voice, feeling yourself come back even more.

“Last thing. What can you taste?” The Brit asks.

“My tea from earlier,” You sigh slumping into him more.

The two of you remain there, listening to the night’s music. You continue to come down from your attack and your breathing gets softer and softer as he holds you. A few more moments pass before he loosens his hold on you because he knows that you’re back in control. You stay against him as you try to find a thought you can easily share. You wiggle away from him slightly and then turn yourself sideways so you can rest your head above his heartbeat.

“I’m so sorry.” You murmur into his warm chest,” I couldn’t be in my place anymore.”

“It’s alright, Bunny,” He mumbles, the nickname causing your nose to scrunch up slightly,” You’re the one who keeps wiggling that nose of yours like that.”

You chuckle softly before taking some deep breaths.

“I can’t stop thinking about it you know. How I never planned to be here this long and here I am still here. It feels like I stole someone else’s time. Someone more deserving,” You express, desperately trying to keep yourself from getting worked up again.

Henry wraps his arms around you again, giving a squeeze to tell you to continue.

“I know Megan says that it’s okay to not have a plan, but I don’t like that. I don’t like feeling like I have no control. I always thought I wouldn’t make it to 18 and every year that passes hurts more because I feel like I’m on borrowed time. That maybe this is all some sort of dream or something and I’ll wake up and I’ll be back in that house with him,” You blubber.

He keeps holding you tight and slightly rocks you in his arms. Kal even moves to rest his head on your leg.

“I still hear him in my head. He keeps telling me how I ruined his life, that he can’t see his girlfriend as much because of me, that I’m causing him all these problems-“

“Bunny,” Henry cuts you off,” Your father was wrong. He had his problems just like you, but he shouldn’t have taken it out on you. You’re not the reason why any of his life turned out the way it did…”

“But I killed him didn’t I? Speed up his desire to do what he did. The thing that I was supposed to do,” You cry into his chest.

“Y/N, you didn’t kill him. He should never have made you feel like killing yourself was the only way to help him. You are not on borrowed or stolen time. You were meant to be here. You deserve to be here. Your life matters to me and Kal and so many others. I know this time of the year is rough, but you did something you never did before. You reached out to someone instead of handling this alone and I am so damn proud of you,” Henry uttered and he held you tighter, blinking away the own tears in his eyes.

You sob harder at that, letting it all out. He lets you sob for as long as you need to. Occasionally rubbing your back and whispering how proud he is of you over and over until it sticks. The tears eventually run dry and you breathing evens out once more. You listen to each breath he takes, the praise he gives you. The silence only broken by a small dinging from nearby. Henry adjusts to slightly to see his watch alert midnight.

“I’m only going to say this once so don’t get too annoyed. Happy Birthday Bunny,” The man whispers to you,” Now I know we can’t do anything to crazy to distract you but I may have brought part of the festivities early. Theres two cupcakes in the car with your name on it. How about I grab those, we go inside, curl up on your couch, and watch The Little Mermaid? Maybe I can start calling you fishy instead huh? Kal thinks its a good idea right bud.”

Kal huffs loudly in approval before getting up to stretch and do his business. You laugh at that as you pull away from him slightly. “Thank you Hen. I really needed that.”

“That’s what friends are for. Now let’s go before my cheat day passes by.”

A/N 2: If you've read this far, I want you to know you're not alone. Trust me I know it feels like that sometimes, but there are people who are there for you. I'm one of those people if you need it. You deserve to be here in this life just as much as I do. ❤️

#henry cavill #the cavillry #henry cavill fandom #henry cavill x reader #henry cavill x you #henry cavill x y/n #rpf #real person fiction #henry cavill fanfic #henry cavill x gender neutral reader #celebrity fanfiction #celebrity rpf #henry cavill fluff #henry cavill fic #henry cavill imagine #henry cavill rpf

[lokislittlecorner]

!!!TRIGGER WARNING!!!

Why would you do that?

Please don't read this fanfiction if you're easily triggered!This piece just helps me to cope with my feelings and anxiety in general.I don't want anyone of you to feel bad.If you're struggling, you're always welcome to write to me personally. I'm happy to help.

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Warnings: Mentions of suicide and cutting, depression, anxiety, Good ending, fluff

Word count: 1700

Summary:

(Y/N) has been feeling terrible the last few days and as time goes on she slips even more into a hole of depression, one day she just wants to give up on everything already writing a letter for Loki...

Notes: Takes place a few years after New York Loki living in the Avengers tower so they could keep a better eye on him, so certain events didn't happen.

You were slowly pacing the floors of the Avengers tower, always looking at the ground scared to face anyone, scared to look anyone in the eyes. What if they judged you? Do they really like you, or do they just pretend to? Thoughts were once again racing through your brain banging on the walls of your head giving you a bad headache.

You knew you had your ups and downs but this time it was really bad and it didn't seem to get better, only worse. Loki knew that you struggled with bad thoughts and feelings from time to time but you tried to hide it from him, just so he wouldn't be worried about you.Sometimes you weren't even sure if he really loved you.

The bad thoughts just kept coming without any reason. You entered the big room with all those beautiful books which always seemed to bring comfort, tears began to creep up on you. You didn't even know why you were crying but you couldn't hold it back anymore.

The library was your safe place no one except for Loki would enter the beautiful place, you loved it when you two were just sitting there reading in silence, those were the times when your mind wasn't torturing you when the thoughts slowed down.

Loki was on a mission with Thor at the moment so you were alone with yourself. It's not that you didn't trust the other Avengers but you liked to keep certain things to yourself.

You wiped the tears away, with the back of your hand allowing to calm yourself, crying wouldn't bring you much now.

"I'm so pathetic" Another sigh escaped your lips as you placed yourself in one of the big comfy chairs, surrounded by big shelves. You picked up the book that you read at the moment "Tales and poems of Edgar Allan Poe" it was a wonderful arrangement of shorts that kept your mind from wandering, at least for a moment.

You sat in the library for hours not even noticing that the sun has vanished from the sky and the moon welcomed the night. I should go back to my room. You thought to yourself. Slowly you crawled out of the chair, putting the book away and heading back to your space.

It was dark in your room except for the moonlight shining through the window there was no sign of light. "So this is my life now huh?" Tears once again crept up on the edges of your eyes. "Alone in the dark"

A dangerous thought came to your mind.what if I would just end it all... You shook your head trying to get it out. No this wasn't an option.

but the pain would go away. No no no, again you shook your head.

He wouldn't even miss you. At that thought, you just... stopped. Maybe he really wouldn't miss you, maybe it really didn't matter what happened to you. The panic began growing in you, breathing became harder hands started shaking. Is this really all there is? Pain?

Your legs carried you into the bathroom that was included in your room, switching on the light you blinked a few times trying to adjust to the brighter surroundings. You rummage through your stuff on the search of something specific, your blades. The panic wouldn't leave you, your hands still shaking it made the searching definitely harder. Then you found it the little box where you kept the things you were after, hidden away from anyone but you. It's been a while. You opened the little chest, blades bandages, and tissues everything was there where you had left it.

This wasn't the first time you felt like this and also not the first time kneeling in your bathroom with the box in your hands, thinking about finally doing it, but the thought of leaving Loki alone hurt you and you couldn't bring yourself to actually do it. This time, however, was different, you didn't know why, maybe because he's been away for 2 weeks now? Or maybe because the pain wouldn't stop?

I should at least say goodbye. Carefully placing the box down on the ground as if something would break, you stood up making your way to the table in the middle of your room.

Normally this little paper stash was for your shopping or to-do list and now you would write your last words on it. The irony made you laugh a bit, nothing made sense anymore.

Hey

I don't know how to write this but I've got a few things I want you to know.

It's finally come to a point where I can't stand the pain anymore, all the sorrow that just won't go away and keeps a tight hold of me.

I love you, I always did and I know that this will hurt you but please try to understand.

I just can't it's too much.

I'm sorry for being so damn selfish, I never wanted to leave you but I can't.

I just can't do this anymore.

Please forgive me, I love you

(Y/N)

Tears fell on the thin paper beneath you.

This is it. You thought.

Back in the bright bathroom, you sat on the floor leaning your back against the tub, with the blade in your hand you stared at the wall in front of you. It seemed like hours when you heard a door and the blood froze in your veins.

"Shit!” Loki was back and you knew he wouldn't be really font of what you just wanted to do. With the speed of light, you hustled back into the main room snatching the paper off of the table. " Hey... how have you been my dear? " He arched a brow at your suspicious actions. "Good, really good. How was the mission?" You said that way to fast and he grew even more suspicious of you. "My dear is there something you might want to tell me?”

He made his way to you, he was covered in scratches from the fights he had to endure, a dark expression on his face. " No..." Your sight wandered back to the floor, hiding the letter behind your back. "What do you have there?” his voice made you jump a little, you felt like prey hunted down by a wild animal. You shook the head signalizing that you definitely not wanted to know him. A sigh escaped him " My love tell me what's wrong" again you shook your head. "Little one, you better hand over what you're hiding there or"

He leaned down to you his lips inches away from your ear you could even feel his breath against your skin "I have to take it from you" your heart sped up at the sound of his voice. "Please Loki, you don't want to know what it is" "Oh I definitely want to know what it is" and with that, he snatched the letter from you.

You tried to get it back but he was way too tall and you couldn't reach it if he didn't want you to reach it. He began to read and his face shifted to a worried expression pain written on it.

Your heart clenched at the sight of him especially when you saw tears well up at the wrinkle of his eyes. "(Y/N) why would you do that?" He threw the paper away. "Answer me!”

he raised his voice slightly you could hear that it was filled with panic.

" I can't do this anymore!" You screamed, tears beginning to stream down both your cheeks. "All the pain and - and the thoughts and I-I can't think straight a-a-anymore and no one can h-help me! He made a step forward and took you in his arms. You took a shaky breath smelling his scent of wood and rainy days. " I'm here with you why didn't you tell me? If I wouldn't have come earlier I would've found you here laying on the ground" This broke your heart, he was right he would have found you he would have seen how you laid there in your own blood lifeless and numb. "I'm sorry" you managed to say as you hugged him even tighter. His strong arms embracing you, his chin was resting on your head you could hear his heart and his it hammered against his chest you felt so bad to even think about doing it you could never do it not after you saw his face the pain in his expression it also hurt you.

"Promise me, Darling, that you're never thinking about doing it again" You felt how his arms tightened around you "Please" His voice was quiet and soft, medicine for your damaged soul. You nodded pressing your head against his chest, you could hear how his heartbeat slowed down and he relaxed. He softly pulled away, placing a little kiss on your forehead.

"I'm here and you can talk to me, darling. I don't want to lose you." His voice melted your heart, it made you feel much better, just to know he was there helped.

He let out a sigh "Let's cuddle up watch a movie and calm down" You gave him a small smile, nodding "I would love that"

#loki #marvel #loki x reader #loki x reader angst #loki x you #loki fanfic #loki series #loki imagine #loki (marvel) #marvel champions #marvel cinematic universe #marvel imagine #imagine

[meowtastrophe]

to my eight-yr-old self

How are you?

Well, it’s the year 2018 and I have to say --no, we don’t have flying cars yet. Well, we still have aeroplanes if you count that as a flying car-- you’ve come far. Who knows you are able to keep your life till now, right?

No, you are not taking HRM because you are not in college. 

No, you did not slack off and had to repeat high school or something. 

No, you did not stop school. 

The curriculum just kind of changed haha. The DepEd decided to add 2 more years in our high school so you are now in grade 12. It’s not too bad, don’t worry. Over the years you’ll realise that you want to keep studying so upon learning about the change, you were actually quite glad about it. 

You’ll be graduating this year so just hang in there. I still remember that ‘to my 18-yr-old letter’ you wrote me--on the diary of wimpy kid thingy--back in Grade 3. You asked me that I should take the Hotel and Restaurant Management course no matter what. Well... you kinda took a different path. In seniour high--that’s what they call the grades 11&12-- you have to choose from these 3 tracks: 

STEM, which includes sciences, technology, engineering, mathematics and all that hard stuff;

HUMSS, which is Humanities and Social Sciences, and;

 ABM, which is the one you expect me to take because it’s all about Business. 

Guess, what? You took the second one HAHAHAHA. 

What happened? 

A lot had happened, actually. Let’s breeze over it:

In grade 3, you got your period. 

     You got home from school and went straight to the comfort room as usual. When you pulled down your underwear--there, it surprised you. BLOOD. You absolutely had no idea what the heck was that. You thought at that very moment that you about to die. Mom went abroad when you were at a young age so she never got to teach you these things.  Don’t worry though because luckily, mom’s on vacation that day so she was there to guide you the essentials. You did not know how to use a pad. You opened it and well... kept on ‘opening’ it. You kept peeling the outer layer to a neverending pad of cotton. Mom saw your struggle but she just chuckled and gave you a new one. 

In grade 4, you didn’t have friend yet 

      But, you were hanging in there. Nothing happened here, really. You were still adjusting and did not have a permanent friend yet. You just watched anime, edited pictures in photoshop, and all that. You were still very very very shy around this time. You couldn’t speak at all. You were one of the quietest people in the school. You had a very bad social anxiety. You were still discovering yourself. But you hanged in there. 

In grade 5, you met Y, became friends with her and; 

      You left home. This one greedy sister of your grandmother of yours (mom side), let’s call her L, took your childhood home. You still remember what she told you “che, e ate jemima mu naman neh.’’ And I still remember how baffled you were. On how she pulled out the barangay card and showed up in front of our (you and l) home with barangay officials for some reason. On how you thought “wait what? why are getting our home? aren’t you guys rich? you have a backyard pool for christ’s sake. ate jemima’s life--your guys’ life--is so much better than us. what need does she have in our home? why ours? where will we go now?”. Fortunately you found a house near-- literally in front-- of your cousin’s (dad side) house. You tried living there. This is just the start.

In grade 6, you are still best friends with Y. However;

      It was not like before. Your dad started neglecting you more. He got depressed. But of course, you did not know that at a young age. He wouldn’t go to the house for days and leave you with no money nor food. You liked going to school because it distracted you but there were times where your dad didn’t let you go to school even if you are all dressed up because he’d go to the house drunk in the morning so he’d rather catch up on sleep rather than dropping you to school. There was even a time where you guys fought and ignored each other for a month or two and that’s where you felt alone the most. You felt like even your aunt, uncle, and cousins parallel to your house were avoiding you--which you were certain they did--so you didn’t have anyone. You were glad that you were on your school break and you didn’t have to worry about not being able to go to school with all that is happening. Most of the time, you’d have no food to eat. Your electricity was cut and you’d steal from your neighbour’s. You also won’t have any drop of water. It was no different from being homeless except, you just somehow found a long-time roof.

      It’s not all that bad though because you got to live the simple life. It was fun in a sense that since you did not and could not get everything, the littlest things were enough to make you--everyone in the family--happy.  You learned to appreciate the smallest of things. You learned how hard it so to not be able to eat a meal 3 times a day so it’s very hard for you to leave a single grain of rice on your place and you'd accept any food offered to you at the present. You learned how to live through the struggle you faced... for a short while at least. 

    Then you snitched on your dad to your mom.

In grade 7, high school came, you were not classmates with Y and; 

     You did not live with your dad. After graduating from grade school, you moved to San Fernando to live with your grandfather (mom side). You also lived with his girlfriend, let’s call her M, and M’s daughter, let’s call her N. The first few months were quite alright. They took good care of you. Made you breakfast and all that. At one point, however, everything went south and you don’t know when and how. M just managed to break you mentally. Pour salt on the already existing--but small-- wound. Well, I guess it was our (you and I's) fault. This was your first time living in with other people. You got used to relying on others. You were not used to doing chores and all that because you never had to do that back at home and at the house. M would compare you to N. Grandfather would turn a blind eye on the situation-- not seeing or hearing anything. M mentioned on how she now understands as to why your dad neglected you. As to why he doesn't like you. That hit you hard. You started blaming yourself for everything. You realized how useless you were. You started thinking that no one loves you... not even your dad. You felt much more alone.

     You regretted snitching on your dad. 

In grade 8, you met A and she helped you a lot. 

     Things got worse. You hated yourself more. You did unimaginable things; such as the vice of slice and trying to kick the bucket. However, A was there. That person’s presence comforted you. Because of that person, breath still leaves your mouth. What happened to Y? She had other groups of friends haha. It’s not her fault though. Don’t blame her. She has her own life. She has the right to choose who to befriend and who to hang out with. She was liked by people so it’s not her fault that she drifted away from you for a while. It was all fine because, at the very least, A was there. Also, around November, you moved to the house your grandmother (mom side) worked hard for. The house was much better than home but it did not still felt like home. You started living with your dad and grandfather. M went abroad and N lived with her grandmother. 

In grade 9, you were not classmates with A.

      You felt A, too, slowly drifting away from you. You felt like she didn’t want to hang out with you anymore and you thought to yourself ‘well no one ever sticks to me. not even my dad so I understand’. So you took the initiative to leave her alone. You also did not blame her and thought that same as you did to Y. And Y, well, was still living her own life but you guys are still friends. But you had a change in a group of friends too. You befriended some people in your classroom and, though it was just short-term, they were enough to fill the void of loneliness. 

In grade 10, you thought everything is finally going well.

     Until your grandfather was the one who neglected this time. He was the one in charge of the finances at the house but he used them for his vices. He did not get to pay for the house for 3 months and naturally, my grandmother got mad. She asked for my grandfather to leave and he did. My dad, this time, was determined to change and redeem himself. We both thought that he’s going to be handling the money but guess what, L--yes, that L-- was the one put in charge. My grandmother's mind was clouded. She became one of those feminists who thinks ‘men are trash’ or something. Since L lives in the same subdivision as ours she was the most convenient choice. Soon after, they also asked dad to leave the house. You got separated again, for the second time. You lived alone in the house. You would go to L’s house for meals but you still lived alone in the house. You got compared, again, to Jemima, her daughter. Well, you have always been compared to her. You are connected to her because you grew up with her. When our family sees you, they always ask you about her. About how and where she is. If she's doing fine. They never asked me tho. She was an extrovert so she had more friends, much more sociable, the family likes her more for she is much more approachable, she's much more famous, famous enough for the city to know her, and she is prettier. You cannot forget the time when Jemima had food leftovers and L was like ‘don’t you want to eat it? so that become pretty like her’.

     Around this time was also your saddest birthday. It was your sweet 16th. You did not have a huge celebration because you just planned to treat your friends. Mother sent you money, your dad gave it to you, and then that's it. However, I was alone that day. You don't know where but some reason dad wasn't there. The house was literally empty. You actually tried contacting your friends prior to the day: Y, K, and A. Yes, only 3, you're quiet picky with the people you get close with. But, they couldn't make it. Your birthday is in summer so they all have their plans. Enjoying their vacation and all that. Living their life. No one could come. And then,

     3 days later, A came to the house. Carrying McDonald's and a small cake. You... I never felt so appreciated then.

In grade 11, mom went home.

     My grandfather died due to stroke so mom had to go home. She asked dad to stay in the house for a while because he was a pretty convenient errand boy. But what’s the point of errands when you don’t have money? L was holding the money. She is a busy girl, you know. That’s why mom was having a hard time whenever she needed money because L always didn’t have the time. So Mom just asked for the card, where the money is, so there won’t be any difficulties. But L didn’t want to give it and was like ‘don’t worry, your money is safe with me’. And we were all left dumbfounded. 

   Everything changed since then. 

What changed? 

Mom put you in charge of the finances but since you were busy with school and everything, you passed the torch to my dad. My mom and grandmother let dad live with you because if not, you will be alone again. You have been living peacefully since then. And now, you are writing this blog. 

So why did I take HUMSS instead of ABM? Around grade 8, I realized that I wanted to be a psychologist. Maybe because that is what I needed the most that time. I wanted to become what I needed. At the same time, I thought I wanted to help those who were struggling like me but I realized that I just wanted to learn how to help myself. Since everyone would just leave me eventually, I wanted to learn how to take care of myself. That’s why you took interest in psychology. And over time while diving deeper into the field, I got fascinated by other mental illnesses such as schizophrenia, psychopathy, and likewise. I took interest in the mind of criminals and now, I am now aiming to become a forensic psychologist. 

This may change again, though. Everything changes. Decisions are not absolute and that is fine. Just like what happened in the past years, you’ll never know what will happen. One day it’s like this and the next thing you know everything is going downhill. But do not worry about it because that doesn’t matter. You cannot control the situation and the things happening around you. You cannot defy the natural flow of things. What you can control, however, are your emotions. You can control how you react to things. It may be easier to be said than done but it helps a lot. How you approach the things being thrown at you will help you mentally. Just keep your composure and let the time pass. Focus at the very moment. At what is in front of you. Worry about the future later when it’s the next one on the plate. Your current challenge right now is writing this blog and you should you just focus on it. But make sure that whenever you do something, do your very best on it. You just can’t do things just because you have to. Since that should be the only worry you have, give your all to it. 

Do not worry about the future. About what you want to do for the rest of your life because you have the rest of your life to figure that out.