#even if it meant she would die

[teeth-draws]

“What do you mean he’s scary!! Look at him!”

— taking artistic liberties to scrunkle the face of @shepherds-of-haven’s Blade Bronwyn - a man with 0.6% body fat lol

#shepherds of haven #if games #blade bronwyn #this is mc privelage at work #hc mcs but especially the ladies are like no he’s fine!! look he’s a lamb!! but if someone else tried this they’d get their wrists broken #being an artist (like being a writer) makes your proclivities rly obvious because in this instance you can tell that I love #babying men who could kickflip me into the sun #picking fights with famed assassins like… wow blade ur so confident for your height! and leave #blade likes girls with good hearts and Halle is not quite that but she IS an efficient worker so she always comes back with the win… #and a bunch of rescued orphans and mages and stuff it’s… not a reflection of her personality but rather her work ethic which even then #is reluctant and put-upon #she didn’t want to be a captain let alone commander she was meant to be using this gang of do-gooders to fulfil her fate and then bounce #but they’re all so wholesome and now she loves them despite her better judgement #and he’s so cute!! with his poetry and plants and the googly-eyed clam he keeps on his desk and talks to about his feelings!! #what’s a girl to do? #there’s only so strong you can be in the face of a man who tells you straight-faced he’d mcfucking die for you #talking the talk and walking the walk even to the most wary of wilderness orphans #as always blade you are a nightmare to draw I lost sleep over your skin tone #my foe of four years aka blade’s left elbow is cunningly hidden #their child would be a serious force of nature and also really tall #fanart #shoh #can you imagine the name? between austere ket names and whack mage names… #these are my parents: blade and halwendi. my name is steele mechanicus and I DONT want to talk about it #just realised that if his brother saw this shit he’d get blade stoned for being a public hussy gosh sorry better make an honest man of him #new blade hairstyle is a shaggy wolfcut bc I think it’s cute on him lmao #this is a really autistic couple honestly #not quite sure where to put his hands #like when you flip a shark upside down

[moonpaw]

thinking about nami's backstory and how she begged for help twice, and both times ended up with Gen getting beat up and sliced to ribbons, as well as the rest of the villagers getting attacked as nami watched in horror, and this was after watching her mother get shot in the head

then later on in arlong park, she watched as several marine ships came to try to help and watched as arlong and the fishman pirates sank each and every one of them before the navy stopped sending help altogether and in just a few hours nami realized that she can no longer ask for help, it won't successfully come without lose of life of either random people or those she cares about

so at that moment she decided that she can't rely on anyone, can't ask for help lest they get attacked, and that she is completely and utterly on her own

and then comes in luffy and the straw hats, determined to help, but i think it's important here to know that luffy waits until nami asks for it, something she was avoiding until arlong backed her into a corner and everyone she loves was about to be killed despite all her effort and struggles

asking for help meant death to whoever would, but not asking for help would lead to the deaths of those she was trying to protect

so she asked

#one piece #i had to reread arlong park like 4 times bc of the zoro project and every single time i was bawling like a baby #just argh #one piece is so good #and sometimes i see people misunderstanding this part or thinking nami was weak for it and im just #no you dont understand #she couldnt ask for help because she didnt want luffy and the others to get killed by arlong #because that's what she associates asking for help with because she watched what happened when she did the same day her mother got killed #she doesnt want them to die!! #she doesnt want her village to be killed either! #she couldve easily run out to sea and abandoned them if she wanted to free herself but she didnt #because she loves her village #she put herself in danger for them and didnt get to live a normal childhood as she started to go out and rob other pirates for money #she would be gone for weeks and months but she always came back #even if coming back meant being near who killed her mother and ruined her life #just augh #nami....

[cannivalisms]

do you guys ever think about how babs hated ianthe (or at least had a strained sort of friendship with her) but was the perfect archetype of a cavalier, while gideon l*ved harrow but was a terrible archetype of a cavalier, and those are the only two pairs at canaan house who became lyctors.

& while we're at it, do you ever think about how, despite babs being literally born and raised for the role, it was gideon who actually served as the 'better cavalier' in the end

#the locked tomb #gideon nav #naberius tern #gideon the ninth #the unwanted guest #babs was literally perfect as a cavalier except when it counted. except when he was meant to embody the whole point of a cavalier #& die for his necromancer. which gideon (the terrible cavalier) did without a second thought #and then the book ends with gideon desperately trying to become that perfect cavalier and stay dead & in her role for harrow #while babs is still the one prone to kicking up a fit in ianthe's body. even as she still insists he was ever so loyal #i just find them real fucking neat. #books #notnow #bonus bonus: still deranged thinking about a world where babs knew this was his point from the start. or also (as a friend pointed out) #if he knew it was between him and corona in the end. would he have gone any quieter?

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[quietwingsinthesky]

there’s a progression in there, somewhere, of even going from ‘the master might kill me any day now :(‘ to ‘the master is going to kill me :) she’s not going to let someone else do it after all this time’

#i wouldn’t call it hubris exactly. more like this pretty secure surity that that’s how they’re going to die. #and to them that makes sense. they chose this. they keep choosing it after the doctor offers them a way out. #because this is. they understand this. and they feel safe in the reprieve before their death. #how do you control death? choose who kills you. the last defense of a prey animal. #something something dark mirror to clara’s ‘i am owed’ speech for even is if this ever. doesn’t work out the way they thought it would. #clara tried to threaten the doctor so that he’d reverse death for her. even would turn on the master if she tried to spare them. #i am owed better. i am owed the death you promised… i am owed the knowledge that you don’t care enough to save me… you know. something like #that. #even is. kind of. meant to mirror the doctor’s companions at the time. they are a martha who can’t leave him. they are a donna who has to #remember and never speak about everything they know. they are clara if during deep breath clara reached back and truly didn’t expect. truly #hoped. that no one would take her hand. because if they can be certain it will happen they can know never to reach again. #jesus christ. go to therapy boy. you have so many trust issues. #but that’s why they’re Like That with the master because at the end of the day. who is easier to rely on? the guy who comes in to put out #fires but only sometimes. or the guy who. really really fucking likes starting fires. #better to get burned hoping someone is coming or get burned knowing that’s what would happen. and even. chooses the latter. #AND ALL OF THIS. for me to say thats why i cant actually let the master ever kill them. #i think she needs to do something worse to even. i think she needs to abandon them. #and that will either set them free to go have healthy normal relationships or. lets be honest much more likely. completely fucking break #them. which would be fun :) for me. #dw oc

[meredithbeckham]

(hanna really went all out.) when she loves somebody, she doesn't hold back. when you're hanna's friend, she forgives a lot.

pll + guts

#hannamarinedit #hanna marin #plledit #prettylittleliarsedit #pll #* #stop hurting her :( #hanna's capacity for forgiveness her capacity for goodness even when she knows it isn't deserved #how she saves jenna from the fire how she's so certain they have to help ali have to bring her back despite everything #'you were the best friend i ever had. that meant a lot to me. you meant a lot to me. but you were also the worst enemy i ever had #and i can't believe it took me this long to realize that. you can't reach into my life anymore not unless i let you. you're gone. and i am #so over missing you' FOREVER #all the people in hanna's life that have hurt her - ali her father mona lucas caleb jenna #and how she wrestles with this #and her willingness to forgive and have compassion for them #but how she also protects herself and draws lines when necessary (with varying degrees of effort) #i would die for her #strongest most emotionally intelligent self aware girl im love u #she loves so powerfully <3

[imogenkol]

I figured out what Imogen will do if Bix dies and it is both heart wrenching and meaningful and I might just write it and shelf it as a “break glass in case of” until we see what happens in s2….

#either way they WILL have a happy ending version even if it ends up being an au #idk I’ve always lowkey been like ‘if she goes they go together’ #because I originally didn’t have a redemption arc for Imogen until Bix came along #she was supposed to die eventually #but I think her LIVING as who she is finally meant to be whilst experiencing grief/the loss of the love she never thought she’d get #and to have her accept love in general would be really powerful #but she experiences that acceptance the hard way #it will involve Cal #god I want to ramble to someone about this…..

[dutybcrne]

A little known fact is Kaeya usually tends to cry out of frustration. Little known, because he tends to be so good at masking it and holding back when it comes to a head, with only Adelinde having been the one he felt comfortable enough to cry around, back in his youth.

Nowadays, he will adamantly refuse to cry in front of anyone, even those he’s closest to. But if one who knows him well enough might happen to witness his lashes seemingly fluttering as he rolls his eyes after a verbal bout with Diluc, they’ll know.

They’ll know.

#hc; kaeya #//He felt comfortable w/ Addie bc he wanted to be strong for Crepus & Luc. She was safe to confide. Nowdays; he feels ashamed to w/ her #//Back as a kid; he only (genuinely out of heavy emotion) cried in front of Crepus and Diluc ONCE; each #//Him crying crocodile tears to get something out of them is a WHOLE different story. But yeah #//Crepus; after he got scolded for going to Sumeru—bc he realized then how much the man cared. Crepus realized what it meant to him; too #//With Diluc; he never once legitimately cried in front of him up until The Confrontation #//Would make faces and almost tear up; at times yeah #//But he TRULY cried only that time; and it wasn’t even BECAUSE of Diluc himself #//It was because of Kaeya's Vision #//Kaeya had already only been in a bit of a spiral over Diluc lashing out & conflict of his loyalties; of Crepus' death & guilt of mourning #//But it’d been made worse by the Vision bc how was it KAEYA got to have a Vision & thus be saved from certain death by the gods #//But CREPUS; the good; kind man who’d taken him in and been nothing but loving to him; & courageous to the end was left to DIE? #//WHY would the gods spare a SINNER and not HIM? #//It had been too much to bear and utterly broke him in that moment; his sobs more akin to screams drowned out by the downpour #//Of others he’d cried in front of; Lisa and Rosaria are the only others. And even then; it's been AWHILE since either event #//Even with the extremely vulnerable moment he had with Jean after Diluc left; he kept it together for her #//Lisa and Rosaria both caught him while drunk and his fears and frustrations (respectively) bubbled right to the surface #//Significant others/close friends will NEVER see him actually cry unless it's MASSIVELY serious. Like; genuinely life-or-death serious #//Anywho BACK to the post's actual subject #//With Diluc; ever since he's come back; Kae gets so easily frustrated with how they can't get along; even if he gets Why it's so #//But it's much rarer for him to actually get upset enough to tear up in the moment; so unless you're LOOKING for it; it goes unnoticed #//Those times tend to coincide with when he up and decides to head out early for whatever reason #//Bc he Knows he's about to break; and thus tries to get away #//It's not really that he doesn't think Luc would care; it's that he Knows the man would be utterly Awful handling it #//And thus Kae would much rather take the L and lick his own wounds alone than let Luc's rep take a hit #//He does cry a LOT more than most people think; but Diluc actually has nothing to do with it then—it's actually over his paperwork #//It frustrates him the most of everything; esp since he'd always struggled with writing and reading; no matter the help he recieved #//In the privacy of his office compared to his lessons as a lad; he's actually able to get his frustrations out #//Which does help LOADS bc he's forced to take a break to cry it out; then continue a lot calmer after he's gotten it out of his system #//It's one of; his not his Only; healthiest coping mechanisms

[charliethemanticore]

Hi btw being trans does not automatically grant you supernatural understanding of all esoteric trans knowledge. You actually need to put effort into learning or put effort into keeping quiet about things that don't pertain to your specific experience

#my cishet brother has a better grasp of transgender theory than my transgender bisexual sister because he like... did some basic research #meanwhile my sister confidently told me 'oh youre nit trans youre neutral' the ither week and i almost slapped her #miss maam i am nonbinary and i have been out as some kind of trans for ten years i will politely ask you to shut up ONCE #also in no universe am i 'neutral' but even if i WAS by definition i would not be identifying wholly with my assigned sex #WHICH WOULD MAKE ME TRANSGENDER ANYWAY #apparently shes been portraying herself as the only trans in the family despite the fact that ive BEEN OUT FOR A DECADE #like ms maam when i came out you were TEN YEARS OLD. i taught you what transgender meant! i know for certain i taught you better #i DEFINITELY taught you better than to TELL PEOPLE WHAT THEY ARE #like okay i guess if youre not into research and history and you just wanna exist without having yo be an expert that is fine #but DO NOT present yourself as an expert. you are an expert in YOUR BODY and YOUR EXPERIENCES #like. shes got severe 'no one has ever done it like me. i am the weirdest girl at the party' syndrome #while also having the personality of an edgy piece of toast #i love her but i have. been very angry at her and i cant even say anything about it #like. baby girl you are a very generic case of autism and transgender and bisexuality. youre not the most random unique case #'how could you understand?!' meanwhile im sitting there wildly neuridivergent and transgender and i got eldest daughter/third parent trauma #like hmm yeah i wonder what id know about it. i wonder how i could possibly understand. i wonder how i could possibly offer relevant advice #i give up #shes a fucking edge lord and our mum feeds into it rather than being like 'some of your experiences are actually universal' #anyway rant over #my brother is an angel and i eould die for him. worlds best ally #he has never once misgendered me or made me feel weird about it. unlike some other siblings who demands i punch her if she gets it wrong #like... no? stop being weird about it youre making me more uncomfortable than using the wrong pronoun did #mums like that too 'oh i messed up hit me!' like no #how old are you? #grow up im not gonna hit you back why would hurting you make me feel better? does hurting people make you feel better? #cause that sounds like something you should see a licensed professional about. i dont care if its a therapist or a bartender #just do it away from me #rant #personal #delete later

[maddy-ferguson]

one of the reasons why i was upset after volume 2 wasn't even because i wanted will to come out or thought it would've made more sense for him than what we got it was because i wanted it to be clearer that he's gay because now people are still saying he isn't actually gay in the show which i knew was gonna happen and is just...so upsetting to me...

#it went 1) why would they do this to will 2) why would they do this to mike 3) oh so people can still deny that will is gay that's great #1) why would they do this to will was the more intense grievance. #and i've said he isn't actually technically gay in the show because like obviously he is but in a way people are still able to call subtext #and yk they still say he's not like that's what i meant when i said that and i know that they shouldn't have to dumb it down or whatever #but i mean that someone can watch the show not know about noah's interview and think he's straight and in love with el or whatever #(or aroace! there's people who still say that...) #which like i said i know they're dumb and the show is smart blah blah blah but it's just so annoying to me that people #can be like oh but it's subtext TECHNICALLY robin is the only queer character in the show :) like she's literally not #when people are like oh it's only confirmed outside of the show that doesn't actually mean much it's funny to me because like. are the #duffers jk rowling. who confirms a character's sexuality in the middle of a show and then retcons it? do the people who say this just think #they're gonna make him straight in season 5 like what #strangernews11 this is all your fault #this is about a qrt of their byler fanart tweet that was like 'and nothing for the canon lesbian' with a reply that said one is straight #and the other is subtext like DIE oh my god #sorry. i would never wish harm on anyone over a fictional character......... #i know i shouldn't care but i do. byler hate is bad enough i can't handle people saying will isn't even gay #byler hate actually doesn't really faze me anymore i'm just like i'll win in the end... #and like i say: brf slt

[loumauve]

Why do you like Ikrie? 😉😏

(sorry about the delay, smirky, winky anony-mouse)

..why do I like Ikrie. The question might as well be - what don't I like about Ikrie, or.. why do plants like sunlight. She's warm, her existence nourishes me, she comforts me.

I like her because she's Ikrie.

She takes her fears and doubts and shoves them deep into a glacier crack, together with her grief. She forsakes the ways of her people if they do more harm than good, she's not afraid to ask for help or offer it. She knows the value of shared burdens and past grievances laid to rest.

I don't know. I guess Ikrie (like Aloy and Beta, each in their own ways) represents parts of myself that I've done my best to nourish and grow, and some that I still struggle to come to terms with.

I like that she's her own person, that she knows what she wants and when to take some time to process before she proceeds. I want the best for her because she's been through a lot and she deserves love and rest and calm (and all the excitement and thrill she might want).

I don't know who you are, anony-mouse, but I think it would be easier to understand if you come hang out and ask more specific questions. I promise I don't bite and I'm always happy to chat about my fandom faves. I'd have done more of that lately but a big work project kinda ate up all of my time and energy, and I'm still recovering from that.

#replies #also a note for future contact - I struggle HARD reading the tone of certain emoji and smirky/winky are among them fyi #they always seem so suggestive and immediately put me on edge even if they are meant harmlessly. blame that on the ace thing #(and some bad experiences in the past) #anyway. love Ikrie would die for her #I think the reason I got so attached to her as opposed to idk Talanah is bc Talanah is hella intimidating to me personally #I love her to death too as I love all of them. but yeah #Ikrie is the one I could most see myself easily becoming friends with #also my bb writes literally the best Ikrie fic ever so that certainly helps #we come up with au ideas for them all the time. also branching out into a variety of ships these days. guess I'm contagious lol #ANYWAY. sorry for the rambles and thank you for the ask!! #still curious as to what had you asking ME about Ikrie out of all the ppl on here and all the characters #I love Ikrie but she's not my only fave

[autism-swagger]

Sometimes I wonder if anything could've saved Jackie.

If only Misty hadn't said anything. If only any of the others had stepped in. If only Taissa had pushed a little harder. If only Nat and Travis had come back. If only Shauna wasn't so stubborn.

I don't think any of it would have done any good in the end. The others still would've still gone down the same path even if she did survive the night. She was always going to die.

They were never going to let her live.

#AND THEN THEY HAVE THE G A L L TO SAY SHE WOULD WANT THEM TO EAT HER?? NO THE FUCK SHE WOULDN'T!!!! #also by any of the others I mean Coach Ben. what the fuck man. you're fuckin useless #they literally cannibalised her. but they had also been metaphorically cannibalising her for her entire life #Jackie was always meant to die. maybe even if they never even crashed. #I can see it happening yknow? #they make it to nationals. maybe they even win. #they all graduate. the rest of the team move on with their lives #and Jackie's still there. she hoped and planned for more. but it was never meant to be #Jackie was never meant to live #GODDD #Yellowjackets tag #og fandom post tag

[silkjade]

it’s 3am so please enjoy my favorite painting in the world while i reflect introspectively in the tags thank u ♡

day and the dawnstar by herbert james draper

#— 𝓭𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓬𝓪𝓽𝓮𝓼 #/// #this is meant to be like elevator music for the dash while you scroll past #…………….. #i love selfshipping it's vry fun but sometimes when i think about it too much or rather when i think about any scenario at all #i'm always like i want so and so to do this and this and this but when asked what i'd do for them it's like hitting a blank ) : #and i can’t help but feel as if i’m being…. selfish…. #selfish in the sense that i can so easily accept the love i crave but i don’t know if i'd be able to give the same back? #and this bleeds into my real life becus i suppose i just don't know how to make someone feel loved like... #i’m not even half as affectionate irl as i may seem online & i don’t have a cute or particularly loving personality. #the words i say aren't warm ; ironically they make me sound disingenuous lmao no matter how much i practice my cadence #& idk why it’s so difficult for me to imagine myself doing like.. domestic things for anyone without cringing at the alien nature of it #not becus there's something wrong with that but i just can't see ME doing anything like that and i just think 'what is wrong with me' becus #it's one of the simplest and purest forms of love i think ; \ idk maybe i've just never loved anyone enough like that... #but then i feel so..bad...because the real me is so apathetic boring cold #& not to make things sound transactional but why would someone want to stay if what they invest produces lackluster results ? #like omg ! even i can tell that it's totally unfair i'd feel like a leech #even in the painting above draper the painter says: 'to faint in the light of the sun she loves / to faint in his light and to die' #iz so me yearning 'n then dying from yearning becus i don't know how to express it #like when mitski said '胸がはち切れそうで' 'my chest is about to burst' i felt that #anyways i suppose this was good to get out before chinese new year lolz #i hope u did not make it this far honestly anyways i m going to rb a bunch of random stuff to hide this

[valiant-portabella-pirkko]

thinking about Commander Pirkko, Saoirse, and Scarlet's dynamic across Regrowth is so interesting to me because like. Regrowth is fairly close to canon at first, but still diverges in one major aspect: the Commander was meant to be a set of three. and in Regrowth, it only LOOKS 'normal' because the other two-- Scarlet and Saoirse-- never made it to where they were supposed to be.

but their roles and abilities? those haven't changed. they're still who the Dream fashioned them to be. they fill the holes in the Commander's leadership, seeing all the blindspots that Pirkko can't.

if they were working together, that'd be great. therein lies the problem, though; they're not working together. at all.

the two people who were meant to be the Commander's most trusted allies instead become her deadliest and most effective enemies for all the same reasons. everything that would have made them the perfect team make them also the perfect enemies, and the end result is a clash so catastrophic it nearly ends Tyria all on its own.

and it takes the entire dragon cycle for them to finally figure that out.

#my posts #GW2 #Regrowth AU #ironically i've been writing about Flourish and yet I'm talking about Regrowth. but tbh this is one of those points of overlap #that really makes them both shine when you set them side by side and compare the two timelines to each other #because. that's The Whole Thing. Flourish is what Regrowth WOULD have been if everything hadn't gone sideways early #i just have a lot of feelings about the tragedy of these 3 and how they turned out compared to who they Could have been #Saoirse could have been a beacon of hope. instead she would nearly shroud the entire continent in everlasting despair. #Ceara was meant to be a voice of reason. instead she'd be remembered for her destructive fall into madness. #and Pirkko's bold fiery heart would be crushed under the weight of a destiny that was never meant for her to carry alone. #and that's not even MENTIONING Aurene and Vlast... Aurene would have chosen Saoirse instead of Pirkko. but Saoirse wasn't there. #and Vlast would have finally found a mortal after his own spirit in the Commander. an unyielding Champion with the heart of a dragon. #... instead... she would be forced to watch him die. #the tragedy between Pirkko and Vlast in particular hits different when considering they were meant to be as close as with Aurene #but they never even got the chance to know each other. #man. it's feels time today i guess!!

[meltsyoutodeath]

hi guys it's missing elizabeth webber and thiago fritz from hit national rpg ordem paranormal hours

#aughhhhh #they weere so.whatevrr‼️‼️ #bc bc bc bc they loved their friends so much and all Liz wanted was to b with her son again and all Thiago wanted was for everyone to live- #-not just survive #and he died for them and she died in front of them and no one could do shit abt either‼️‼️ #and there's such a contrast between Thiago who aged years in front of them. #that dot isn't meant to be there.anyway- #and who exploded himself for them because he was doomed anyway #it was being doomed by the narrative and embracing that so no one else would die #meanwhile Liz died fighting tooth and nail against fatr #she never got to tell her son her last words #now Joui is alone and I hate hate hate how she didn't get to tell him he'd be alright without her #(I'm still at like. desconjuração mansão assombrada btw but still) #Liz died bc she tried getting them away from danger and rhat brought thrm closer to it and she never even got to tell them what she found #they're killing me dead

[nagitoedit]

you don't have to read this is for screaming in the void

#trying to explain that i'm struggling without saying the big most important part of why i am struggling is . #like oh i'm struggling because uh . the issues. what are the issues? well . they are issues that i refuse to elaborate on #so it doesn't help anybody. but like how am i supposed to explain to my mom that the reason i've become so severely depressed is because #i'm suicidal. like oh btw ^-^ i hate the life you gave me and brought me into so bad that i want to die. but it's no big deal so don't worr #about it. #which like that wouldn't be how i meant it at all but of course that's also implied or something #which just makes me think of other things like that if things weren't so bad id be able to get help but help is inaccessible. #ughhhh i just hate this it's so agonizing. like cant things be a little less bad. i'm not having fun being like this and people are #reasonably irritated with me because only based on what i'm willing to tell just. isn't the full story at all and would obviously just. #not make sense because i'm leaving out major parts of what's happening and why. #and tbh i'm constantly going back and forth between like. coming out as suicidal. mainly because like. well. it kinda worrying me. #because for like months now i've almost daily been fighting off suicidal thoughts and often even having suicidal meltdowns #yesterday i was standing near a ceiling fan and was like hmm wouldnt it be nice if one of the blades came off and stabbed me through #the back of my skull and killed me. but then i thought no that would be too traumatizing for my family #as if me dying at all wouldn't be. which i also thought of. idk just thinking about the idea of #i want to live but not like this. because yeah. my mom said that she thinks reading bad news is why and it's like well . of course it is #but should i just stay completely unaware of what's happening in the world. but also bad news is just unavoidable #but yeah it is why i'm depressed. climate change racism homophobia transphobia covid wars economy etc like #these are things that i can't just. ignore? and am i seriously the crazy person for being upset about these things? #well she does think i'm crazy for still being scared of the dangerous virus that is currently the third leading cause of death in the us #like last night she was like ' it's good to be cautious but you're going over board' i'm friends with people who could die from covid. #'over board' i care about them and other people and i don't want them to die. i don't want to be permanently disabled by a virus with #a 20% chance every time i catch it to permanently damage my immune system and give me long covid. <- according to cdc #but whatever. i do genuinely want mental help. i think i need s different medication or a diagnosis bc uhmmm . i am unwell #but that's expensive. #i have an appointment with a doctor today for a med check because i don't think my ssri is working . obviously #as i am as you can tell absolutely overcome with severe and debilitating anxiety and depression. lolzors #whatever. except not because ouuuughhhgh <-unimaginable suffering #mypost