#and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again

[cacaocheri]

this was supposed to be one drawing!! ONE DRAWING!!!!!!!!! but every time i draw them i can't stop i need to keep going

#i like how sun looks in these #im tryna play around with how i draw him in my style #he needs to be.... tastier #anyway it is a genuine problem with the dca #bc ill be drawing them #and then in the middle of drawing them #ill suddenly get like 10 more drawing ideas #its so fucking funny #funniest part is that i can go months without inspo but the MOMENT i start drawing them again. they are back to taking over my brain space #i love these guys #yknow its weird to think that before them i was waiting for YEARS for a fictional character to make me feel anything #and then they come along #and make me feel every emotions humanly possible on the spectrum #uhhh okay anyway #for those who read my tags i hope you enjoyed this rant #my art #security breach #sun fnaf #fnaf sun #sundrop #sundrop fnaf #sun x y/n #fnaf security breach

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

Me, while manically cleaning my room at 3:27am: I should make several large, life-changing, irreversible decisions.

#so ive been in a bad mental state lately #because of many things. but the biggest being (yes i know ive complained about this in multiple other posts) #that my best friend and my ex gf were fucking. without even asking or telling me. i got no heads up. just figured it out on my own #which sucked and now im not speaking to either of them #and when i first found out i was in a bad place physically too #i had a terrible ear infection that was so fucking painful #and i realized i could concentrate on both things. so i focused on healing #and then i remembered ny family is coming to visit for Christmas #and thats a lot to deal with. so now im focusing on cleaning the apartment. specifically my bedroom #so im manically cleaning at 3:30am while angry and stressed and trying not to focus on this thing that makes me really upset #and in the middle of cleaning ill suddenly think 'should i quit my summer camp job?' or 'should i move states again?' #its not good. but i havent acted on anything #AND in the middle of cleaning i found all of my meds #i havent been taking them for months. but i decided im gonna start taking them again #i have a few refills left but then ill have to find a psychiatrist. i dont want to. but its definitely for the best #im trying to get my life back on track and build and better it #but then something hits me and completely derails everything and makes everything so hard #so anyway im gonna go do some more cleaning and try not to make life-altering decisions. and maybe build a desk #btw i have to get up at 9am to take out my puppy. and at 11:35 i have to get ready for work. again its 3:30am #and im full of manic energy #tomorrow is going to be very bad but at least I'll have a semi-clean room

[grimfantas]

you can call me heartless all you'd like, but it won't bring her back and it won't help you heal.

#tails the fox #shadow the hedgehog #sonic x #based on a roleplay I had with my partner. who writes an extremely incredible shadow #I write my thoughts here because Sonic X ending has me terribly fucked up #considering how young tails is to be suffering from grief I bet it's especially difficult to handle a kid who has no clue how to process it #who had to make an extremely unfair choice to kill someone he loves. and then to take it out on his big brother #Taking out his anger and insisting on blaming someone for cosmo's death... it's very heartbreaking. #Imagining if Shadow had come back and Tails had not finished grieving yet. there already soooo much anguish #Exploring grief in art is very very fun but there is something so gutwrenching imagining someone so young have to figure out how to deal #with that. younger people often acting out and not realizing how unfair they are until time has passed and not understanding #multi faceted perspectives etc. I know its a bit odd to go crazy about osmething like this over Sonic X but something about Cosmo and Tails #just hit very hard and I care about them very much. tails is huge favorite. i care about him so much #I probably shouldn't dwell on the sad parts of sonic x too much but that last scene tails has with sonic stuck hard #Can't imagine how strained it might feels for the next few months. and Sonic just takes it. Can't even look at Tails or answer him. HMMMM #anyways im done being chatty in tags I will delete my thoughts later as per usual. hehe. Sorry <3 #sonic

[shleemies]

2015->2023

It gets better

#was looking at old photos and put these side by side. wow #in the first pic i was miserable malnourished and so depressed i didnt think id make it to 2016 #the second pic was a few months ago in too lazy to take w newer one today lol #im still depressed but not like i was. ive come so far and its so hard to see it from day to day sometimes #i never thought id live long enough to go on hrt. top surgery felt completely impossible #but i got to live #i got to transition #i wish i could go back and show that scared kid how far we've come #idk these pics just had me feeling really sappy #maybe one day ill make a more intentional transition timeline post #but these photos really show a lot #transgender love transgender peace transgender joy #it gets better i promise #sounds fake and shallow but it's so fucking true

[ilonacho]

it hit me what makes me the most miserable abt my work week is how it’s just school all over again. just hanging in there until the weekend. repeat. repeat. repeat

#5 outta 7 days im at work. 2 days of freedom #2 days to do chores n run errands n relax n sleep n draw n catch up w/ friends n go places #and if u gotta reschedule itll be weeks before ur available again #like for months now ive tried to get together w/ friends but our days off dont match n shit keeps coming up #not to mention im fucking tired! im exhausted! i want to sleep in and then draw the rest of the day! #i think the worst part is that back in school.. at least it didnt matter as much? because it all led to an end aka graduation? #like i didnt mind the wait for next weekend as much cuz it was temporary #like eventually ill graduate and then ill have freedom! (i thought? for some reason??) #but now its like.. the weeks are going by so fast this year is already almost over i turn 26 in 2 weeks #and this is.. the rest of my life? like youre kidding right? this cant be it? #i get off work n then i have to take care of the cats n chores n then eat dinner n then shower n then its late and i gotta sleep #before work the next day. i dont have time nor energy to rly do anything #and ill get that feeling of like. oh well at least it brings me closer to the next ‘weekend’ #but i dont wanna live weekend to weekend #i mean im thankful to have a job n coworkers i love like i truly hate it there sometimes but i also am happy and thankful for it #but yknow.. it shouldnt have to be like this #i worded this so much better in the shower but im tired of feeling like school part 2 like what the fuck man #ive had work every single day since we came back from our trip n i just dont have time/energy for anything #i need to open commissions back up but i havent even gotten around to starting one a friend asked for #not to mention this years christmas card ive barely got the sketch done for #and again. my favourite holiday. halloween is on tuesday and while we did plan halloweeny stuff it just has not felt like halloween #i havent had any ideas/energy/time for any halloweeny art #+chores n errands etc lmao we havent even been to the grocery store yet (calling us out here) #it just. suuuuucks aaaaaass man the world is so beautiful life is a gift i dont wanna spend it like this

[wellthatschaotic]

coworker (derogatory)

#she just fucking. IRKS me #so we have the same job. same authority level. yet she acts like shes a lead #which would be fine im ok with others taking charge #IF THEY DO IT RIGHT #shes SO FUCKING BAD AT IT?? #AND. we have senority!! #yes she is older than us physically but we have worked here for months longer!!! #if anyone is in charge (WHICH SHOULD BE THE LEAD) would it not be the guy who worked there longest??? #uggghhhh #she came in late today then was like um youre doing potties wrong youre only supposed to fill half and leave the other stalls for ne #girl then be on time #im not waiting for u im not making the dogs wait for u #so she starts bringing my dogs back (against the rules) (we literally had a meeting last night) #im done arguing. just. fine. whatever. she better have charted or else thatll look bad on me since i brought the dogs out #confronts me later. make sure you fill the potty waters. i say i do. she says yeah but not enough #gestures to a bowl she has filled that is 1) smaller than the bowls in potties 2) TOO FULL #we're not supposed to fill them past halfway so they dont spill #and theyre in the potties for like. 15 minutes. even if they finish their water. im fairly sure its not that inhumane for them to #wait a few more minutes before they go back to their room #THEN. she goes to do feeding. someone is in a meeting where the ipads are (needed to track feeding) #only ipad out is for the front. the front also needs an ipad. so i am instructed to wait #few min later. she comes with an ipad. is the meeting over? no i took it from the front #GIRL. #and she always complains about being in group too much #bestie 90% of the job is group #if you get a day shift youre gonna spend it in group #chill #just. ugh #chaos chitters

[hearties-circus]

↖️ *guy that is having such a normal one right now* *guy that totally isn't fucking losing it* *guy that surely isn't about to explode into a million pieces with no idea how to put itself back together this time*

#gamer txt. #i cant i can do this i xant its too hard its too hard #zo yous know that post i made a bit ago? how o said i was fuvking desperate and hanging on by a thread? #well unsurprisingly as it turns out the sevonf ppl extended help i closed mysf back off and started lying again. who couldve daw that coming #ive vroken down plenty of times over the years but ibe always got back up ive bever had a 'i cant do it this time' moment #well i mean. until now #i just cant i cant do it it all hurts so much i cant enjoy anything i dread everutbing theres nothing theres fucking nkthing #it hurts all the time and i xant do anything about oy because no one in this house gives a shit #and i ca t do anything becayse eberyone online is do easy to ignore so easy to lie to #ive never veen this bad before ibe never dreaded life like this #i really dony know if i can xome back fron this #ya know on the 24th i would've been 3 years clean. i relapsed about a 2 months ago i wanna say? im really close to doing ot again #but i dont know if i wkuld stop. nor when i isuallu do anyeay i think i would keep going past what i know i could take #it would be stupid #no one gere would nhtive anything wrong until ot was too late id hust be making the worst mistake of my life #but despiye that. despite everything its so tempting. just for the chance that someone might notice #that someone might actuallu acknowledge theres sometjing wrong with and gove a fuck about me #i know this fanily. i know how they work. i know how they treated my xousin the last 2 tjmes she tried to off herself #but one of them would care right sureky? even just kne #i need someone yo see me to actually fucking see me and not all the walls ibe set up #someone to recognise that im in no state to take care of myself and never has been #something that will fight me when i obviously lie #but theres no way for me to get that #im not stupid enough to risk myself and um too much of a coward to call out in any other way #what the duck an i meant to do? #im a wreck thats too scared to tell anyone #ive been theoen into the middle of the ocean and the water is the strongest ots ever been #and there is the vague imsge of a life boat off in the distance but its too far and ny arm hurt too much to swim #even if i did make my arms hurt too much to climb aboard and theres no one on it to help me up either #so i just have to float here because at least drowning is less shameful than yaving made it to safety and been too weak to grasp it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i say goodbye to my boss tomorrow #not like officially officially bc im still employed into August so we have meetings #and hopefully we'll collaborate in future on projects and i have papers to write with her still #but like this is the last time ill physically see her bc shes not coming back until August and ill b gone by then #so its like. sad. bc shes my science mum. today she was complaining abt some stupid politics stuff #that went on this week in the department and she was like i kno i should b more professional but i feel like since ur leaving now #were more colleagues and friends. and im like 😭 god dammit ur gonna make me fucking cry #i came this this school to work with u and u were so great. i was so lucky to have ended up in her lab #bc i didnt kno wtf i was doing and shes not perfect but i learned a lot from her and ill b really sad to not b working with her so much #but thats how it goes. ill have to make her something cool as a parting gift #god. thatll b a fucking pain but she deserves something that takes a lot of effort #were meeting tomorrow to go over a protocol but im not sure if that's actually what were doing or if theres a surprise involved #bc she likes to do that and it stresses me the fuck out. she's been wanting to get me ice cream for the last 2 months so that might actually #b what's happening. or both could b happening. ugh. anyway. just me crying abt how im gonna miss my boss who im literally seeing tomorrow #im gonna have to giver her a painfully earnest letter abt how great she is and apologize for kinda having a breakdown #i mean i wasnt totally nonfunctional but like. it was not good and im sure i kinda sucked to b around #but whatever. god. the move it finally on the horizon. it finally feels like its getting real #unrelated

[magnoliamyrrh]

i think that whole "never felt safe growing up and most of my life" thing did real damage to my psyche lmao

#......... whole damn childhood of not feeling safe. i think... the one place i can even think of where i was truly comfortable was my aunts #house. and id see her rarely and not get to stay w her that often/long... #.... apart from that?.... just constant fucking fear and wanting to escape and be left alone #... when i got older like middle high college id feel somewhat safe at friends houses. but i always dreaded having to go home #when i lived at college was... the first time i actually lived somewhere where i felt kinda safe and at home. but my parents made sure to #remind me that it wasnt my actual home lmaoo and that they could take it away at any moment #just like how after we moved from romania i had to hear all the time. while i was stuck in a foreign country as a kid. that my room isnt my #own nothing is my own i owe them everything privacy wasnt allowed etc etc #...... after college i lived w my partner in the ghetto. like shots outside 7+ times a day sorta ghetto. i literally felt safer and more #comfortable and vibing and chill than i did at home with my parents?? lmaoo jfc i actually miss it #apart from that... probably the second time i was in the psych ward lol #and after i come back from romania its gonna be months again of having to stay alone w my stepfather whose like. weirdly sexually attracted #to me and loud and agressive and it just. triggers me so fucking much. god. i hate all this. i hate all this #twenty two fucking years of knowing little else than fucking fear and loneliness. i just. want. to feel safe. #for fucking once #so often i just wanna curl up in a borrow and never come out. thats all i want. im so tired. im so tired of this

[todayisafridaynight]

i'll probably be skipping stream today & tomorrow on account of my personal challenge to finish JE before you (<- absolutely not going to happen)

but while i'm here SHUT UP your headcanon is not icky :) though i can't really talk since i don't bring my own up very often either, and i honestly haven't even put that much thought into the logistics around it. anyway trans masato 🤝 trans wagi as personal coping mechanisms

DAWG you gotta finish it... idk how long youve had it but prob longer than me cmon now gamer i know you can do it ✊

trans masato is just funny because Like Everything I Do it just started as me joking about scenes from the game and then the ending happened and i was like Oh Lol It's Not A Joke Anymore I Think

I DONT USUALLY SUBSCRIBE TO TRANS HCS EITHER THAT WHY IT ICKY TO MEAJLWKJL but thank you. i promise to only mention it once every five months

#snap chats #to put it bluntly i Do Not like acknowledge. That aspect of my life. if me never even saying terms outright is to go off of LMAO #i cry thinking about it- like right now LMAO I ALMOST DID I HATE IT i dont like using hate but... thats one of five things i hate for sure #My Issues Aside Tho ive already talked about 'my logistics' with trans masato but ill say them again cause its funny #1.) The Injection Scene like it's for his. Adrenaline or whatever but the first thing i said when i saw it was an injection joke #because literally how could i not LIKE LMAO THEY SERVED IT ON A PLATTER #and then there's the whole Change His Entire Identity After Running To A New Country #i always joke about wanting to do that so that's strike two buster #and then to top it off when he comes back he looks like every transman ever before the effects of T start taking effect #which is a hilariously ironic statement to make considering The Before And After but lol strike three bozo #AND THEN STRIKE FOUR WAS HIS WHOLE 'i changed my name and body' BIT LIKE DAWG YOURE ALREADY OUT #IK ITS IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWED UP 'FOR POWER' BUUUUT TOP TEN 'HE JUST LIKE ME FR' MOMENTS LMAOOO #there's also his voice- both in jp and eng- just having a sort of Texture(TM) to it #in jp it's sort of high and nasally while in eng there's a sort of gravel to it that's so 🏳️‍⚧️?????? to me. im sorry. #do you see. that's why it's so funny. its so painfully funny #the funniest jokes are the ones with Some Weird truth behind them by the most delusional bitches ever <- me #ANYWAYS. i promise not to mention it much If Ever only when something really funny happens to me that reminds me of it #and i dont have a sneaky way to allude to it in a comic or a fic #end of the month is always hell for me cause on the one side Yay Money but on the other hand its like I Have To Work For It FUCK #so i can only draw on the weekend #im having a month-long sale for december tho...... so if we never see me again thats why #EW I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO DRAW FOR A SECRET SANTA THING TONIGHT NOOOOOO #and i wanted to finish up that fic... cause im literally three lines away from finishing it... #christ i need to learn to juggle better. for now im eating this onigiri that i was too busy to eat #anyway no one look at me im soryr for sharing my cringe </3 i prommy it wont happen so bluntly again

[svnmouth]

I think getting a hysterectomy would either help with my migraine issues or just give me different problems but I wont be able to know until next year minimum and even then I dont know if I can do a second surgery so soon. the way that birth control just utterly and completely fucks you over when youre starting it, when youre on it, and when youre getting off it is so. Idk if its even worth it to change my birth control if Im gonna get a hystrectomy in the vague soonish future even if I feel like absolute dogshit for an entire month for 1/3rd of the year.

#I take it back on whatever post I made recently about hrt. I think its making my migraine issues worse. #I would take back the smell issue over migraines that have me searching basic math to make sure Im still doing 3x3 correctly #in my head. and like. being unable to read more than a paragraph or two at a time. #honestly. Im really mad at myself for being caught off guard by that doctor and telling her I was on testosterone. #because now I have to jump through stupid fucking hoops to get a hysterectomy and shit and who knows what wouldve happened if I was able to #pretend I was cis. Im pissed about it. and OFCCCCCC she says 'yes I will make sure not to mention the trans thing outside of my notes!' #and WHAT does she label the appointment as?????? literally mentioning Im trans in the big ass header that my new primary doctor immediately #saw. like come on girl do your job better than this. #life sucks being disabled when you have to do all this crap. cant just Schedule a Surgery you have to go get approved by insurance and then #make sure someone can bring you and also you have food you can actually eat during recovery and take time off work and worry about money an #then find out insurance did not approve the surgery AT the appt and then you have to wait another 2 months to reschedule the surgery and do #all of the above alllll over again. but like even worse. #bro Im so stressed about money all the time my moms bills keep going up and her bills cost more than my monthly paycheck. its bad out here. #anyway. my nightly tag rant.

[dizzybevvie]

screaming into the abyss

#I hate insomnia #I thought it had just left bc i havent had a streak in like 6 months but ig it just comes back during summer 😭 #IM SO FUCKING TIRED I JUST WANNA SLEEP BUT IVE GOT TO GO TO SCHOOL. AND DO CHEMISTRY😭😭😭😭😭 #Woke up at 4am yesterday and didnt sleep last night my brain is so fried #I cba for this I just want to sleep #And i know for a fact anytime i tell someone I didnt sleep theyll be like 'Go to bed earlier“ LIKE ITS MY FAULT #Its so annoying i just want to sleep #(Rovobuddies Silver the hedgehog) I just wanna sleep Blaze. Im so tired of taking melatonin it makes me tired all the time #rant #beverly says stuff

[donttouchtheneednoggle]

head hurty

#not any more like that but last night #love having a pain condition triggered partly by anxiety but also it caused the anxiety to be constant in the first place #i dont get chronic migraines bc i dont get them often enough its usually like 1 every 2 months nowadays but sometimes it can be 4 in a week #bc having one makes it more likely i have a another soon after #but i sure as fuck have acute migraines #i remember being in school and classmates being like oh i have a migraine going off to take their meds and then coming back to class?! #whereas as soon as i had an aura id go to the office and be like can you call my mum she needs to take me home #and i thought i was just being weak and i should just push through it #but you can't push through acute pain nausea vomiting and disorientation #there are literally parts of my brain or thoughts i can't access during one ill be trying to think of a word and i can't find it #they usually only last like 2-3 hours but it feels like a lot longer when you're sitting in the dark can't even lie down feeling like hell #and ik some peoples go on for days some people have them more days than they dont ik im lucky to have such short and fairly infrequent ones #but its still beyond horrible and feeling like a ticking time bomb constantly watching out for an aura #and worrying about going somewhere you can't easily get home from #and I've only just started to be able to talk about it i could never understand how other people could talk about theirs flippantly #when mine terrified me more than anything the amount of bad feelings #but she's working on it having realised after 8 years that it doesn't have to be like that 🤣 #mine #n e way sorry for the rsnt all good now chillin in bed ✌🤣

[hermoglobiini]

.

#this has been such a shitty week and were only on wednesday #my rent will be raised in may w 30 euros #i spairned my back yesterday and everything is pain #and top of everything i just. cant get myself a fucking job #for the last month i have been waiting an answer while constantly exchanging emails from this one place i really really wanted to go #and the ceo there said id really fit there but none of the project managers seem to want to take #me as their apprenctince or whatever i cant come up with a better word #so now i gotta keep looking but ive already sent so many applications and 0 asnwers #i just dont get it what is so incredibly wrong with me that i get no answers #its this same struggle every single spring #im so so so scared i wont have a job this summer #like hello im turning 25 and have had like . one proper summer job since turning 18 #it fucking sucks so fucking bad i just dont get whats wrong with me #am i really that bad at writing applications??? i just dont get it aaaaaaaaa #im so sick of everything i just want a job please give me a job #im so tired of stressing out money everything costs so fucking much and i just know the prices will never lower again #bc we live in a capitalistic hellhole #im disappointed in me and everything and #idk i wish i could sleep for the next 3944 months

[n0ct0urn1quet]

think i migght acactully drop out of school lmao i cannot do this shit anymore . i was fine a second ago but the thoughts got too strong and so now im Mad

#school doesnt start for another month and im already stressed and i just know that when school does start my mental health is just #going to rapidly decline and im gonna not have energy to do anything anymore n im sjut gonna fucking die #like if im being honest since i stopped going to school last year around like november/december my mental health has been Better #not good and not great but better than it is when im in school and i feel like that says a lot. #idc if dropping out means my entire family disowns me my moms already tired of me not going to school bc ive been struggling since #6th grade and its like. ok. #i might as well just not try #like ill be doing online school this year so not going back to public school but still dude i dont want to #i dont wanna do this shit for another 2 fucking eyars ive struggled enough already i cant Take It #i wanna fuckin move out so bad i dont wanna do this shit no more <3 #evereyones like 'oh i could never drop out of school id ruin my relatinship with my mom' n its like #ok well for me theres no relationship to ruin between us in the first place. she hates me and i hate her n thats just how its gonna be #she already is like ignorant when it comes to school n me being in school so why even fuckin bother this year right #seriously just considering dropping out i really dont wanna do this becauuse doing school is just going to take such a tolll on me and like #i just . dont wanna go through it! im done! the american education system can suck my dick. #i dont even think im gonna graduate at 18. i dont think im gonna graduate ever. i didnt finish 6th grade and completely skipped 7th #i pretty much failed 8th bc my grades went down bc i didnt go to school bc of the whole covid thing n i manually passed but that #doesnt count bc i was already skipping school n didnt do the online classes. i didnt finish 9th bc that was also during like the height of #the pandemic and 10th was just a disaster and on my last day i had pretty much an anxiety attack in my 4th period bc my teacher was #a fucking loser. #so. im just done! im fucking done. #not gonna graduate. oh well.