#ectopic heartbeats

[twilight-orchid]

You’re Going To Be A Grand….Bat

Part 2 to Shower Suprise Part 3

Jason Todd x gn pregnant reader

Word count 2,303

You bounced your foot impatiently as you and Jason sat in the gynecologist’s purposefully pastel waiting room. He watched you look anxiously around the space, your eyes never settling on any one thing and your head perking to every name called. You fiddled with your new engagement ring, a small smile curling into his lip upon seeing it. He held your right hand gently but firmly, his thumb rubbing circles along your soft skin. He slipped his grip up to your wrist, pressing just enough to feel your wild heartbeat racing.

“Hey, look at me doll.” He said lowly. You turned to look at him, your eyes possessing a frantic look and your pretty face twisted with worry. He let go of your hand to cup your cheek.

“It’ll be alright sweetheart. Either way it goes, it’ll be alright. You just gotta stay calm and breathe. Can you breathe for me?” You closed your eyes as you sucked in a shuddered breath, but you matched his in and exhales. You were both 99% sure you were pregnant, that’s not what you were nervous about.

After further deliberation, the two of you had decided to keep the baby. Jason felt nervous, excited, stressed, ecstatic, and terrified all at the same time. He’d spent the whole night reading about the first trimester of pregnancy and researched what you would learn at the first ultrasound. That was why you were nervous.

They’d go over basics: how far along you are, the baby’s measurements, listen to the heartbeat, etc. However, they’d also possibly hear some bad news: Ectopic pregnancy, developmental screenings, and genetic abnormality screenings are what had you stressing. Of course, chances were everything would be fine, but the couple was still understandably scared.

“Y/l/n?” A nurse called from the now open door. Jason squeezed your hand then stood, grabbing your bag and following you into the office. She confirmed your identity, took your height and weight, then led you into a small room. She had you sit on the cold blue exam table, the paper crinkling as Jason helped you up. He took his place at the chair by your side then once again grabbed your hand. You met his eyes and smiled nervously.

“Alright, I understand we’re doing an ultrasound today?” You nodded and she smiled warmly at you both. She took your basic intake info then had you lay down.

“Now I’m just an exam tech. The doctor will be in after to go over the results with you, okay? Pull your shirt up to your bust and relax. Oh, and sorry in advance, this will be cold.” Once you were settled, she squeezed a clear gel onto your bare belly making you shudder.

“Jesus fuck. That is cold.” Jason chuckled. Between the two of you his kid would be cursing like a sailor by 2.

You both watched the technicians face closely for any sign of what she was seeing as she waved the wand along your belly, but she had an impeccable poker face. And, as someone raised to analyze facial expressions, he couldn’t get a read of her at all. Impressive.

The exam thankfully only took a few minutes and the technician quickly departed to share the results with the doctor. Jason grabbed a couple of the cheap, rough paper towels and brought them over. You thanked him with a smile then moved the wipe the slick gel off. He tossed them for you as soon as you were done.

“You okay doll?” He asked. You still looked beyond anxious.

“I’m fine, just impatient.”

“Well that much I know.” He teased. You smiled and smacked his arm. He pretended to be hurt as if Superman himself had slugged him.

“Oh shut up, drama queen.” You laughed. There was a knock at the door before he could respond.

“Hi, I’m Dr. Hall and I’ll be going over your results with you today. I can see you’re both waiting anxiously, so I’ll cut to the chase: you’re 8 weeks pregnant.” The two now confirmed new parents looked at each other with excitement growing on their faces. He squeezed your hand tight.

“Wait, I didn’t finish.” The doctor interjected. The two froze and looked at her nervously. Oh no, was something wrong? She didn’t look like it was bad news though. A slight smile tugged at her lips.

“You’re pregnant with twins.” She said simply. If there were a window in the room, Jason would swear there’d be a bird suspended in air outside the way the world froze around him. You were the first to break the stunned silence.

“No, I’m not.” You denied, disbelief painting your tone. The doctor laughed.

“Yes, you are.” She grabbed a folder from the counter behind her and handed you a black and gray photo. Not just any photo, your ultrasound. The shock of twins dissipated when you saw the two little blobs that would be your babies.

“They’re not very visually developed at this stage, but you can see their little heads right here and this is their body. They’re about the size of raspberries right now. They’re both perfectly healthy so far as we can tell, but you’ll need to come in monthly for checkups.” Neither responded, their eyes glued to the paper. It suddenly felt very real for Jason. Pregnant wasn’t just a word and parenthood wasn’t just an idea; he already had two kids on the way. He had a whirlwind of emotions raging inside of him.

Twins. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me, he thought. He heard you sniffle then turned to you to see tears rolling down your cheeks. He was worried for a moment before you wiped them away with a small laugh.

“Sorry, I don’t know why I’m crying.” The doctor smiled and handed you a tissue.

“It’s alright! Totally normal reaction with your hormones. Congratulations!” Jason still hadn’t said anything. He heard the conversation going on around him, but he felt like he was in a trance.

Twins. Two cribs, two car seats, two beds, twice the diapers, twice the bottles, twice the spit up, and more than likely half their sleep for the next couple years.

“I take it you’re the father?” She asked. Something clicked in his mind, and he looked up to meet your eyes. His head was still spinning, but he knew with you at his side everything would be okay. His signature handsome smile began growing on his face.

“Yeah, I’m the dad.”

You left with a copy of the ultrasound and your 12-week checkup scheduled. Once in the car the two of you made your way home.

“Jay, can I address the elephant in the room?” You asked from the passenger side.

“I mean sure but, we’re in the car and I don’t see an elephant anywhere.” He remarked making you scoff.

“Don’t be a smartass.” You chided. He let out a sigh.

“I know we need to tell Bruce.”

“He’s gonna find out sooner or later, and if you hide it for too long, he’s gonna get his feelings hurt.” Jason barked a laugh.

“You know we’re talking about Batman, right?”

“He’s human, Jay. And he’s really making an effort with you. If you don’t tell him he’s going to think you don’t trust him, it’ll hurt his feelings, and he’ll express it in anger or coldness. Better?” He groaned.

“Fine.” He made the turn that takes you out of the city to the suburbs where the manor was located.

“Wait we’re going right now?”

“I know he’s home right now, and most of my siblings aren’t. It’s as good a time as any.” You didn’t say anything, just squeezed the hand he had resting on your thigh.

“Can you let Al know we’re on the way?”

Telling Bruce had been an issue dancing around his mind just as much as the pregnancy itself. He didn’t expect B to be mad, but he doubted he’d be happy about it. For someone who had a small army of kids himself, B had been very clear about how dangerous it is to bring kids into their world. Plus, Jason had always said Bruce should give criminals the safe sex talks he and his siblings had received. The awkwardness alone would probably set them on a better path.

The manor was only about 20 minutes away from the hospital, so you reached your destination quickly. Which was good, because Jason’s nerves were already shot by the time you arrived. Alfred had clearly been waiting for you as the door was open by the time they were on the stairs.

“Master Todd, y/n, it’s good to see you both.” Alfred greeted with a smile.

“Hey, Al. Where’s B?” Alfred scoffed.

“Where he always is.” The trio made their way through the manor, into the study, then descended into the cave. Being that it was only 11am, they found Bruce in his street clothes typing away at the Bat-computer, his back to the entrance.

“Hey, B.” Jason greeted as they got closer. Bruce looked up from his research and turned to them with his universe famous resting bitch face.

“Jason, y/n.” He acknowledged with a nod before going back to his case. The couple looked anxiously at each other before Jason cleared his throat.

“B, we uh… we actually need to talk to you.” Jason said tentatively. That got Bruce’s attention.

He fully turned away from the computer to face you. You stared at the floor, your hands fiddling anxiously with the hem of your shirt. Jason looked him in the eye, but his face was controlled, intentional. He gripped a folder in his hand with white knuckled strength.

You were both nervous as hell.

He noticed the new ring on your finger, but you weren’t here to announce your engagement. This was something else. Something important that affected you both, that clearly involved Bruce, and that you were anxious about.

“Excuse me.” Alfred said with a small bow, dismissing himself.

“Actually Al, you should stay.” Jason added. Bruce and Alfred both raised a brow to that. There were several potential options mulling around Bruce’s mind, but one stood out as a prominent possibility.

“Don’t tell me you’re pregnant.” He said, still painfully deadpan. You both froze, head snapping up like deer in headlights. Shit, you were pregnant.

“Are you serious?” He asked, his voice sterner than he meant it to be but he didn’t bother correcting himself. Jason approached and handed him the folder, then took a step back to your side, placing a reassuring hand on your hip. Bruce flipped it open with Alfred peering over his shoulder.

Bruce had never been there for the pregnancy of any of his kids and had never really been around pregnant people for any extended periods of time, but he knew what a sonogram looked like. And he also knew there weren’t typically two fetuses in the picture either.

“My god, you’re having twins?” Alfred exclaimed. The couple both nodded silently. Bruce sighed.

“After all the talks I had with you boys…” He muttered.

“We used a condom!” Jason defended.

“And birth control.” You added. Bruce groaned and ran a hand over his face.

He looked at Jason, his son. His son that had been through hell and seen the world at its worst. His son who died and was brought back angry and crazed. Bruce’s greatest failure. His son who went on a killing spree, following his own vengeful sense of justice. His son who, after everything, was trying to be a better man. He was a better man. A man who controlled his anger, who was denying vengeance for justice, who had settled in with a partner and really began building a life for himself. Bruce wasn’t the sort to load praise, he found words useless and pretty, so he preferred actions. However, he was proud of Jason in a way unique to his children. And now his son, whom he once thought lost, was having two kids of his own. Bruce sighed again.

“I’m not even 50 and you’re making me a grandpa?” He asked, the slightest quirk at the corner of his lip. The couple paused; a loading screen might as well have been floating above their heads.

“So you’re…” you began.

“Not pissed?” Jason finished. Bruce scoffed.

“No. You’re adults, you can make your own decisions.” He said plainly but paused.

“And, for the record, I think you’ll be great parents.” With that he turned back to the computer and set to work again.

“Oh, and congratulations on the engagement.” He yelled over his shoulder. You furrowed your brows.

“How did he- oh, right. World's greatest detective, I forgot.” Bruce snorted to himself at that last part.

“My congratulations to the both of you. How far along?” Alfred said as he approached the new parents to be.

“8 weeks.” You answered smiling brightly, your hand moving to your currently unchanged belly. Something warm lit in Jason’s chest.

“Well, I wish you luck informing the rest of the family, I’m rather thankful we don’t have neighbors. They’re sure to cause quite the ruckus in their excitement.”

“You think they’ll be excited?” You asked anxiously. Jason knew you were worried about your place in his massive and chaotic super family.

“Oh, babe, they’re gonna be through the roof. Two babies? You kidding? There’s gonna be a war from day 1 to be the favorite aunt or uncle.” You smiled, your nerves dying down.

“Everyone will be together for dinner tonight, perhaps you could join us then? I’m making tortellini.” Alfred tempted. Jason suddenly looked like a kid on Christmas.

“Oh, babe, we have to do it. You’ve never had Al’s homemade tortellini, absolutely killer.” You laughed.

“I guess we’ll see you for dinner tonight.”

Note: I know, I knoooow the twin trope is overdone but the image of Jason trying to juggle two toddlers is just too good. I have one more piece drafted then I may write the whole family reveal, but I’m anxious to write that many characters at once. Also I know I have a pretty nice Bruce, but I don't feel like Batman as a character needs to be an absuive ass to his kids to be himself. And again, I'm a new writer so I'm sorry if it's bad lol. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it!

#jason todd x reader #Jason Todd x you #jason todd x y/n #jason todd x pregnant reader #jason todd x pregnant!reader #red hood x reader #red hood x you #red hood x y/n #Jason Todd #red hood #dcu #dc comics #dc #batfam #batman

[themultifandomgal]

Mark Sloan- Try Again Pt2

“What’s going on?” Mark says walking into the room where I’m about to have an ultrasound

“I might be miscarrying” I tell Mark as Callie holds my hand in hers and Mer holds my other hand

“You're not miscarrying” Lucy replies

“Well then it’s an ectopic….”

“It’s not a molar pregnancy is it?” Mark asks making me worried

“Why don’t you let me have a look and we can figure out what’s going on”

“Who are you first and what are your credentials?”

“Lucy Fields, Harvard MD, Duke 0BGYN resident now a Maternal-Foetal Medicine fellow at Seattle Grace Mercy West. Damn good at my job. Who the hell are you”

“For god sake just stick the thing in me and tell me the bad news”

“Everything’s going to be ok” Callie says squeezing my hand.

Lucy turns the screen towards us

“There’s your baby, there’s the yolk sac. Everything looks good. Your still to early on to hear a heartbeat, but at your next appointment you will be able to”

“But the bleeding?”

“Your a doctor, you should know that many woman experience spotting early on in their pregnancy, it doesn’t mean they’re having a miscarriage, however better to be safe than sorry. I’ll go and get that appointment arranged while you get changed”

“Thank you” I smile at Lucy as she leaves

“Here let me help you”

“I’m capable of getting off a bed Mark” I comment

“Sorry, just want to help”

“I know I’m sorry I’m just cranky today”

“I’m gonna give you two some time to talk”

“Thanks for coming with me Callie”

“That’s what friends are for” Callie smiles at me before leaving the room

“I’ve got to go. Everything’s fine in there and I can’t wait to have a niece or nephew” Mer says placing a kiss on my forehead. I watch her leave and then go to try and untie the back of the gown but I can’t seem to undo the knot

“Can you erm…” I ask turning around so my back is facing mark

“Oh yeah sure” I feel his hands undoing the knot

“I feel like Im having dejavu” I joke back to what got us into this predicament making Mark laugh

“Just this time I’m undressing you for a different reason. There” I turn back around to face Mark. We look into each other’s eyes, as if we’re having a moment, but before anything could happen I clear my throat

“I erm need to get changed”

“Oh right yeah. Erm I’ll just, I’ll go” Mark leaves the room letting me get dressed. What am I doing? I’ve already let Mark back in once and look how that’s ended up? Granted he’s always going to be in my life now.

I finish getting dresses and leave the room where Mark is still stood outside of

“I thought you would have go back to work by now?”

“Are you ok?” He asks

“I erm…”

“And don’t lie. I know you” tears starts to threaten to spill

“When I saw the blood this morning I was so scared. I’ve always wanted to be a mom and after we broke up I thought I’d never get the chance. I just couldn’t stop thinking the worst, like if I lost this baby, I don’t know what I would do. It’s not like I have a partner i could try again with and…”

“Ok woah slow down. Come here” Mark pulls me into his chest “shhhh” he strokes my hair “we’re fine. Everything’s fine. Come on let’s go grab something to eat”

“Ok” I sniffle

“Anything you fancy?”

“Baby would quite like a pizza with fries”

“Hmm they would would they?” Mark laughs. He goes to pull away

“Wait, I’m not ready to let you go yet. Just, hold me for a little longer”

“Of course. I’ll hold you for as long as you need.

#grays anatomy #mark sloan x yn #mark sloan x reader #mark sloan #mark sloan imagine

[mikeysbabygirl]

𝑹𝒊𝒏𝒅𝒐𝒖 𝑯𝒂𝒊𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒊

𝑷𝒂𝒄𝒊𝒇𝒚 𝒉𝒆𝒓

Warning: 18+ Minors DNI. Hate sex, exes to lovers, mean Dom! Rindou (at first ), lover boy Rinrin, reader is a bitch lol, manipulation, rough sex, slight angst, jealousy...

Summary : you were only supposed to use Rindou to get some informations you needed, but what if you fell in the lures of your own game ?

This is one of the shittiest, most rushed up things I wrote. It just came to my head in a whim and I needed to write it ( now you all know my impulses, I guess)

-" The fuck you're doin' here ?"

You didn't even flinched when Rindou's face materialized behind you through the mirror, you only restrained a smirk not to ruin the gloss you were applying in the restroom.

-" this is called lipgloss, Rin'. "

-" That's not what I'm talking about, and you know it. " His voice was deeper than ever, invisible bullets of his dark glare lacerating your back. " And you better not call me that ".

When once upon a time his order would have made you submit, it only made your smile widen, you put your lipstick down and turned around, getting closer to your ex.

Rindou remained made of stone, despite hating his body's undead old reaction everytime you were close. That one single ectopic heartbeat almost made him want to push away your face that was only inches away from his, while you tiptoed to be on his level.

-" Oh yeah ?"

He didn't answered, only looking disdainfully at you through his lashes.

-" I remember you loved to have me screaming that name ".

A sarcastic laughter left his mouth, he shook his head from left to right.

-" Get over yourself already. And leave the fuck outta here. Unlike me, Mikey wouldn't mind putting a bullet though this " his fingers reached for your temple. " This pretty skull of yours. "

- " You see, Rin'... "

Rindou suppressed the urge to push away your palms that gently cupped his cheeks, your eyes on him were showering him under dozens of unsaid praises, he would allow himself one more second, one more second leaning in your touch.

-" You still care about me after all the shits I've done ".

-" Not wanting to see your brain splattered on the floor doesn't mean I care about you"

The invisible fog of offense behind your confident eyes didn't go unnoticed by him, yet it was chased awah rather fastly by a brighter smile.

-" I don't think your toy for the night would agree. She seemed like she would've crushed my skull anytime, well, if she could " you snorted, as soon as you mentioned her, Rindou's lips curled slightly before he pushed your hands away from him.

-" So all those stares you were sending back there " he gestured toward the event's room, outside the bathroom. " Were jealousy stares... "

Although having shared your life for months and months, he still could not tell if the sight of your sarcastic laughter were one to die for, or one that should make him pull the trigger on you.

-" Oh Rin', oh baby... She has nothing on me."

As Rindou Haitani has always been too good at reversing mirrors, he towered above you with a single step, coating you in his intimidating shadow. You chased away a shiver, closing your eyes when his lips brushed against your ears, hearts and chests almost melting on each other.

-" She has me. " You could practically feel the smile on his lips, and in the end you weren't wrong, all night long thinking he only kept that poor thing by his side to test your limits.

Your eyes fell on him in a daggers-shower, though footprints of a smile were left on your lips, challenges were burning in your gaze.

-" She might have you now, but I had you first. You can't erase this. "

-" yeah that's very mature of you ".

You despised the eccentric laughter to escape his mouth after that, Rindou went to walk away, until your hand reached his arm to stop him in his track. Rindou refused flatly to even let his eyes wander over you or your face, knowing damn too well they would get lost on that same old landscape. Instead, he just listened to the words you uttered.

-" I see you taking her everywhere we used to go, Rin'. You're using the poor girl as a rebound, pacify her and let her go, admit you still... have feelings for me. "

Your statement was met by a raised eyebrow from him.

-" Bold of you to think I didn't got over you yet." He simply answered, and though he was right, that you could never be so sure whether he forgot about you or not, you decided to walk on the thin line.

Your hand on his arm reached for his hand, almost intertwining your fingers together, his eyes fell on the gesture you used to do so often with an unreadable expression.

-" you can pretend all you want, but you can't stay away from me. "

Those purple eyes met yours halfway, making you gulp down once his hand squeezed your cheeks together, lifting your head slightly.

-" You chose to be a bitch. " He started, and watched you taking his cruel words with an everlasting stare, you deserved them. " You dated me to steal the contract from Koko, and you did. I've had my fair share of your body, guess we're through now, get over it. "

The painful pressure he was applying to your face left place to a cold nothing as he began walking away, leaving you crestfallen in that restroom, until he stopped,his back facing you.

-" Your boss's prolly proud 'f ya, I don't expect you to regret your decision. So don't expect me to care. "

To be honest, dating Rindou Haitani was supposed to be an easy cross on your to do list. Your boss needed a snitch inside the Bonten to win some business contract, and he had your pretty face as an ace up his sleeve.

The plan worked like a charm. Whilst Rindou Haitani was falling under your charm. And although they told you he was not one to let his guards down, something about you, about how you always seemed so out of reach even in between his arms had him lingering longer than he ever did in your bed.

Your ego was a fog blinding you, and soon ended up suffocating you. Yes, you earned that deal, and choked on your own self esteem.

And you hit the wall too late, the minute that fog of an ego dissipated after seeing that other woman in Rindou's arms tonight at the dinner.

You've been hearing he moved on, but refused to believe...

Unfortunately, you were not one to take a loss, and he should've known it by then...

And fate often played your game too much for your own good, maybe that was the reason why you believed everything's easier when it comes to you.

Maybe that was what got you in Rindou's apartment, later that night, staring from the floor to ceiling windows at the man you loved, parking his fancy car and getting out. Alone.

Another smile painted your lips, a true one this time.

You knew you'd haunt the corners in his head, longer for anyone to even share his bed.

As soon as he opened his door, Rindou flashed his gun in a striking speed. His sharp senses immediately detected a presence, then he just cursed under his breath recognizing you.

-" Okay first of all, fuck you" he blew out some air, throwing his gun on the couch and closing the door behind him. " And secondly, you're one kind of a psychopath, how did you get in ?"

He would've waited for you to go on insulting him too, but surely not to throw the spare keys he gave you on the couch and to get closer to him, an unreadable expression on your face.

-" I knew you wouldn't take her home. "

There was something about the moonlight, it seemed. That night, he was seeing you under a whole new light, new insecurities and ghosts haunting those features he had, he confesses, loved so much.

-" She has plans for tomorrow, early in the morning".

Lie. But Rindou would rather ache the lack of a heart in his chest all his life, than ever admit that his beating piece of muscle and blood was hidden somewhere between your lies and your truths.

Yet it was you. You riding your whirlwind of emotions, you and your insidious seeds trailing forests of fresh air in his stone cold heart. It was you skating on melting ice, lighting matches.

It was you getting even closer to him, until you had to raise your head to lock eyes with him.

-" I knew you wouldn't take her home. " You whispered this time, in a quivering voice.

And for the first time, behind those thorns you put between you and the world, he saw the roses. The red, fragile, bloody roses to your sharp edges and thorns.

To say his heart wasn't beating faster would be a greater lie, there was so much emotions painting your face that he could spend days writing them down, yet he tried remaining of stone.

-" if you say so. Now leave. "

Yet another stab to your heart again, from his careless tongue and you knew, some more and you were long gone.

Choking on your own thoughts, you closed your eyes and released those restrained words faster than you would've expected them to.

-" I do regret. "

And when you expected it the least, a touch floated against your lashes, forcing you to open your eyes and meet the lavender ones of your ex, his hands cupping your cheeks. He wanted you to say it on his face.

-" it's my fault, I'm the one who ruined us. And i did it so many times for business, but I swear to you, Rin' I promise it's the first time I'm regretting-"

-" Shut the fuck up. " He commanded,releasing your face, tone starting to get rougher.

Heart starting to get softer.

Wasn't it crazy? After getting soaked in all types of bloods, after taking all sizes of bullets, seeing his guards faltering again from some words out of a pretty mouth ?

-" No I won't ! " The way your voice rose earned you an intimidating look from him, making you gulp down. " If I could do it all over-"

-" You're just making sure I'm not getting over you, 'cause you're jealous. "

-" I'm not. " It was your turn to grow on the defensive, and it was his turn to stop you from running away a hand on your lower back to keep you close.

-" cause you're a mess."

-" Rin, stop. " You warned, but a smirk was growing on his face, seeing the scars of his words behind your eyes.

-" Cause you're none but a fucked up, sad bitch with too little self esteem to think someone could ever stay long with you. So you leave first-"

-" Shut the fuck up !"

And in a second, the roles were reversed again, and Rindou successfully got under your skin, you were sure he knew, by the way you were panting and he was grinning.

That hand on your lower back began going down, whilst his other hand found the back of your neck to have his fleshy lips brushing against yours with each whispered word, forehead resting on yours.

-" So you're right, love. She has nothing on you. That might just be why I want her. Unlike you, she never left my side. "

And just as suddenly, your words found your mouth again, your eyes found his again.

-" But I never left your head. "

-" No. "

Because deep there, he could not deny your fever, hide your infecting presence everywhere inside him.

-" No, you never did. " He admitted in a breath, knee brushing between your legs, stealing a shaky breath from you.

And just like the first falling leafs after a hot summer, just as Insidiously, what started as a heated argument ended up with a battle of desires, your two bodies gravitating toward each other without never colliding.

-" That's gonna be different " his husky voice warned, Rindou was caught in a haze, split in two between his resolve and your scent dominating his senses.

-" I'm not gonna go any softer on ya " he added, rubbing his knee right between your thighs against your underwear, your bit your lips and your arms instantly found the back of his neck.

-" I don't care, Rin'. Whatever you'll give, I deserve. Don't be gentle, bruises can heal. "

See, holding into you was the burning coal in Rindou's hands, letting go surely could heal the burn, and he tells himself everytime he would let go.

This time, he would let go.

-" I fuckin' hate you. " Tasting Rindou's lips again felt like coming out for fresh air.

Next time, he would let go. Maybe.

And he didn't lied, when he said he wouldn't be any softer. Just his lips against yours were a pace you struggled to keep, his hands soon lifted your thighs to have you pressed against the wall, not even bothering to take off your dress and ripping the fabric instead.

-" I loved this dress" you whispered against his lips, out of breath, before he held your throat firmly and shushed you by sweet rolls of his thumb on your now unclothed cunt.

-" You prolly only bought it so I could take it off, shut it down now. "

-" You don't get to- Uh god !"

He stole the words from you, inserting a finger roughly between your tight walls and grunting as they clothed him in.

-" So damn wet " he brought his fingers to his mouth, bored eyes on yours before releasing them with a lourd pop. " Likes being treated like a whore, dontcha ?"

-" Fuck you. " You hardly uttered, his fingers back to scissoring inside you, yet your words had him frowning, stopping any of his movements, a glare on his face that, honestly had you scared.

-" Now repeat that for me, would ya, baby ?"

And although you shouldn't, you really shouldn't...

-" Fuck you, Rindou Haitani. "

Again, it was just you, lighting matches, walking on thin lines.

It was just you, bent over the table, crying out loud while Rindou's fat cock was bullying your cervix with each thrust, hands holding your hips in a bruising grip.

-" Pussy so tight, why'd you have to always ruin it with your mouth, hm ?"

-" Slow... Slow down, shit, Rin "you struggled, flesh burning each time the table rubbed against you abdomen with his length buried deep inside you. Rindou pulled your hair back, drawing whimpers out of you and making you face him.

Those teary bright eyes, those pouty lips made his cock throb, made his heart beat.

-" Shhh, I know you can take it. I know my bitch can take me. Now shut up b'fore I gag those cute lips of yours. "

Too fastly, you were losing count of seconds, and count of times you came around his length, yet he didn't came once. Rindou seemed fueled by an unextinguishable fire, and he was.

He was fueled by months of stolen heart beats and sleepless nights thinking about you, while you were out there planning to take them down.

-"shit , been missin' this addictive pussy. " His hand cupped your cheek to force your eyes on his. "Eyes on me. Been looking for this pretty face everywhere. "

-" Rin, please... Can't take no fucking more " you sobbed, biting your hand overwhelmed by equal pain and pleasure.

Rindou leaned over, placing gentle kisses on your neck that ironically goes well with the animalistic pace of his hips against yours.

-" does that filthy-goddamn... Mouth of yours know nothing other than lies? Look how tight you're clenching 'round me, baby. You're getting my cock so wet."

With a hand on your chest, he pressed your back against his torso, burying his face in the crook of your neck.

-" things are about t'change, love. "

That out of breath, husky voice was filled by nothing but dark promises.

And to think he was gently kissing your neck, calling you baby, when he was giving all his guts into splitting you in half on his shaft.

-" got a bad girl and was treating her too good, now daddy's gotta make you his perfect lil doll, yeah ? Dick this pussy 'til you learn your lessons. "

Not like he would even let you think about working with that boss again. Didn't you came there by your own will, after all ? So sacrifices, he would make you go through, if you really wanted him.

-" it's alright, t's okay, you not gonna blame me for loving my baby just too much, are ya now ?"

Could it be his thrusts bringing you closer to yet another relentless high ? Or his words ? None of them, or both of them had you stupidly nodding your head.

And could it be your unusual obedience, or just you, your face looking at him, your heart beating under his hands, none, or both had him kissing you, fiercely, passionately, hatefully, forcefully until breathing you in, high on your love and drunk on the pain.

In the end, to fight the love is to feed it. Rindou gets it now, with your body laying limp on his strong arms. Wearing proudly those bruises he got from boxing your thoughts with no gloves, that exactly is how it felt like to resist a feeling.

-" Jus' be a good girl for me, and I give you my fucking word ain't never gonna see me with another bitch, yeah ?"

Unfortunately, some bruises just don't need bandaids.

#tokyo rev x you #tokyo revengers spoilers #bonten x reader #tokyo revengers angst #tokyo rev fluff #ran haitani #haitani rindou #rindou haitani x reader #haitani rindou x reader #rindou angst #bonten rindou #rindou my beloved <3 #rindou haitani #rindou x reader #rindou x y/n #bonten rindou x reader #rindou x you #ran haitani x reader #mikey x you #mikey x reader #tokyo rev x reader #sanzu x reader #kakucho x reader #izana x reader #taiju x reader #inupi x reader #kokonoi x reader #takeomi x reader #manjiro sano #wakasa x reader

[soberscientistlife]

Most abortions are now banned in 20 states following the Supreme Court’s decision to overturn Roe v. Wade. Fourteen of these states have abortion bans after just 6 weeks of pregnancy.

This is not okay, not reasonable, and definitely not acceptable. If you don’t know me well, maybe you don’t know what I do for a living. I’m an ultrasound technologist. My colleagues and I look at babies in every stage of pregnancy every day. I also work in a high risk unit. My unit and I look at babies and mothers in varying states of mental and physical health. If you think an abortion ban sounds good, then I am a good person to ask about why it isn’t.

So let me tell you:

About the woman whose baby developed with no skull, and the brain just floating around. Her baby still had a heartbeat, and she would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman whose baby has a rare chromosomal condition called T13. Her baby’s organs grew outside its body, and had a cleft palate so bad that there was no nose. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman whose blood pressure is spiking so high that she passes out and is likely to stroke out before her baby is born. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman with such a severe form of hemophilia that giving birth will probably be fatal to both her and the baby. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the 13 year old whose school isn’t allowed to teach her science-based sex-education, so she didn’t know how to prevent pregnancy or STIs, but whose body is not developed enough to carry to term without being damaged. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman who was raped by a friend who wanted to “make sure she got home safely”. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman who has PCOS so only has periods every 3-4 months and can’t find a birth control that works for her. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman whose abusive partner removed the condom without telling her (it’s called stealthing, and it happens more frequently than you’d think). She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman with the cornual ectopic pregnancy that isn’t reliably in the uterus, and could grow to a size that will kill her. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman who has two kids she can barely feed already, and whose birth control just increased in price. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the 18 year old who just started college and is going to be the first graduate of the family if she can just stay in school. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the woman whose IUD slipped slightly and is now endangering both her and the pregnancy it was designed to prevent. She would not be able to access abortion.

About the many, many, many women who just don’t want to be pregnant for reasons that are their own. Health issues, abusive relationships, financial issues, social issues. They would not be able to access abortion.

Some of these might sound like reasonable exceptions to you. And you would be correct. But no one should get to decide what happens with another person’s body, not even to save a life. You need written permission from a corpse before life saving organs can be taken from them. You cannot be forced to donate blood, no matter how dire the situation. And no one else should get to decide what a woman does with her body, end of story.

But it’s not the end of the story, is it? Because here’s the kicker: if you consider abortion to be a murder (and some people genuinely believe that!) then miscarriage can be second degree murder. And this is already happening all over the world - El Salvador, Ecuador, and the US of A. Women are being jailed for miscarriages and stillbirths because they might have done something to cause it. If you start down this path of jailing women and doctors for making healthcare decisions that affect no one but themselves, then you get women who don’t go to a doctor for a safe procedure and instead order pills online or use whatever metal instruments they can find to end their own pregnancies. Women who are honestly experiencing a miscarriage (which is medically called a spontaneous abortion, just fyi) will not go to their doctor for help. They will bleed out on their bathroom floors or die of septic shock. And I haven’t even talked about how this will disproportionately affect women of color, LGBTQA+ women, or trans men. This isn’t about the “sanctity of life” anymore. It’s about controlling women.”

Sena Garven

This is happening in America.

[dan13579]

My ideas on how pressure works

* Warning: I am not a professional, this is just a speculation based on info found online *

While looking up about commotio cordis, I learned that mechanical stress on cardiac muscle causes it to discharge an electrical signal, disrupting the electrical activity of the heart.

I thought that since pressure is causing mechanical stress on the heart, the reason why pressure causes irregular heartbeats follows a similar principle.

Irregular beats can be divided into two categories, and I will speculate why pressure causes each type of irregular beat.

1. Atrial ectopic beat

These are caused by abnormal electrical signals from the atrium. Pressure disrupts blood flow in the heart. And I think because the walls of the atria are thin, disruptions in blood flow can cause abnormal stretching of the atria walls, causing them to release abnormal electrical signals. These cause atrial ectopic beats, such as PACs, and if you’re lucky, SVT.

2. Ventricular ectopic beat

These are caused by abnormal electrical signals coming from the ventricles. Normally I don’t get much of these with light pressure, so I think that you need heavy pressure to create the sufficient mechanical stress to make the ventricles misfire. This causes PVCs and VT.

I also think that by controlling the amount and location of pressure, you can control what kind of irregular heartbeat you get. With light pressure near the base of the heart, to screw with blood flow, you get PACs and SVT. With heavy pressure on the ventricles(near the apex), you get PVCs and VT.

These are just my thoughts on how pressure works. This may be totally wrong, so don’t take it too seriously.

#cardiophilia #dark cardiophilia #irregular heartbeat #pressure #skips

[whentherewerebicycles]

well that sucked lol. I mean I have no new info about the pregnancy as they said they wouldn’t do an ultrasound or the doppler to listen to heartbeat as they were not medically necessary. I also was like ‘I feel like I’m losing my mind with anxiety I think about my baby being dead all the time I can’t focus at work some days because I’m so full of irrational fears that I can’t seem to rein in’ and the response was ‘well motherhood is about letting go of control so you have to do the work. we can’t do it for you. try going for a walk with a friend.’ lol. and then when I tried to be like the walks with friends aren’t really cutting it she was like ‘why are you anxious? you already saw that the pregnancy was in the right place so you know it’s not ectopic’ and I was just like… I don’t KNOW why I’m anxious I think what I’m trying to tell you is my anxiety doesn’t make sense and is consuming me despite evidence things are okay.

#net zero information lol. but I can be referred to perinatal psych at 16 weeks if I haven’t ‘pulled myself out of it’ #I think she labeled me needy in the first three min and then the rest of the appt was her setting boundaries with me #like not giving me an ultrasound and telling me to only message if I was ‘copiously bleeding’ #IUI tag #pregnancy tag

[whysojiminimnida]

Why I'm Not Really Posting This Weekend

I live in a state where the governor has signed into law, to go into effect in 30 days, the outlawing of all abortion except to save the life of the mother - and that even is a very slippery slope for health care workers. Physicians can face life in prison if a missed miscarriage, ectopic blockage, or placental abruption is not considered life-threatening.

Abortion providers in my state closed yesterday and will remain closed. We're in the Handmaid's Tale - the Chaucer version, the Atwood version, the Republican version. I now live in early Gilead. And it was bad enough when it was at six weeks gestation - before many people know they're pregnant. It is outlawed effectively now. Yes, if you're eleven years old - or nine. Yes, if you've been raped. Yes, if it's your dad's baby. There is no recourse for abused children, raped teenagers, or women in violent relationships. Meanwhile, please feel free to carry your guns into our schools and shoot whoever you like, as long as you're not endangering your unborn child's life by doing so. So I'm angry. I'm angry because I am waiting for a radical hysterectomy for significant medical reasons but I was still asked, last week, if there was any possibility of pregnancy before I was allowed necessary medical treatment UNRELATED TO MY SCHEDULED-FOR-REMOVAL UTERUS.

I lied about my last period to avoid having a pregnancy test - not because I was pregnant (literally zero chance) but because I was angry that they didn't believe me when I said that most single people with cervical cancer aren't running out to get laid, thanks.

I'm angry for my daughter who thank GODS lives in a slightly less-restrictive state - but who knows how long that will last. At this rate, I expect her IUD to be illegal by the end of the year, and a pregnancy would likely kill her. I'm angry for every child or teenager or adult who can't say no because of fear. Now they'll be forced to carry if they become pregnant due to abuse.

I'm angry for every person with a uterus who now knows their worth here is less than that of an inanimate firearm.

I'm angry for every person who, like me, wants children but can't easily have them and will have to carry those products of conception that are not viable because doctors won't do the necessary D&Cs to remove them (I've had three of those - and they're coded as "abortions" for reimbursement. There is no difference WHEN THERE DAMN WELL SHOULD BE.)

I'm angry that my government is coming for your right to marry who you love, for your gender identity, for your right to safe birth control even - and where I live the Republicans also want to come for your ability to get a no-fault divorce, your mental health care, and further reduce Medicaid and welfare - not expand them. I'd love to move. Absolutely would in a heartbeat if I had the income and the savings set up to do so. I do not. I can't even pay my own rent right now much less set up an exit plan - and in the end I'm not the person who needs to leave the most. I'll still get my hysterectomy. Abortion or not will no longer be my concern, soon. But many other girls and women WILL need to leave to ensure their safety. I hope they get out as soon as they can. Meanwhile: buy you a vibrator while you can get one. Enjoy it alone or with your favorite person, unless that person has a penis. They want puritanical law? They can have sex with their incel palms, then. If you own a clitoris your orgasm does not depend on a babymaking factor to exist. Funny how a penis-owner's orgasm absolutely, 100% of the time, is the cause of pregnancy but ain't nobody trying to control the men.

#yeah i'm pissed off #angry rant #fucking republicans #roe vs. wade #abortion #all our other rights are in the crosshairs

[lexa-griffins]

Can u give us a bit of Clarke and Niylah backstory?. How they met/wedding details/finding out they about to have a baby together?

Clarke and Niylah met at work. Clarke's just started as an actual paid graphic designer (after 2 years of unpaid intership) and Niylah is her bosses secretary. Joking iver the water cooler, lunches together and hangs out after work quickly become a thing.

They were friends for a while, always very touchy type of friends. Clarke was pretty oblivious to shit, focusing on her career it really didn't hit her how hard Niylah was flirting with her until one day they go out for drinks and Niylah basically has to grab her face and tell her she likes her, like christ woman she could /not/ be more obvious!!

They fall into a relationship pretty naturally after that. They enjoy that time a lot, sex and traveling, and enjoying being with each other. If there's anyone that makes Clarke fully accept herself is Niylah, that woman loved Clarke fully. And so did Clarke. Niylah was her best friend.

Clarke proposes at a family function. She asked Niylah's dad even if Niylah found it to be old fashioned, Clarke knows how Niylah was the light or her dad's eye and wanted to be sure he and her mom were involved. Niylah cries so much when she proposes Clarke has to carry her to the couch to take a breath, although kissing Clarke between cries is harder.

They are married at 29. An intimate wedding because Niylah is all about family and friends, and Clarke will do just about anything she asks for, even if her family isn't that close and Niylah's makes up the majority of guests. They honeymoon in Paris and end up not seeing half of the city because they can't part with each other for more than a while, spending a good chunk of it naked in bed, drinking wine and eating and fucking.

They start trying for a baby pretty much from day one. Niylah knows she has health issues, but she wasn't aware of just how much they would affect her fertility. For around five years, they try constantly. After an ectopic pregnancy and a miscarriage so early, they weren't even aware they were pregnant, they find out Niylah's pregnant with Madi. Its love from day one when they see that little dot on the screen. Clarke cries when they hear the heartbeat for the first time and Niylah will make sure her bump is constantly on display. Theyre so excited about the baby. And then the doctor tells them that the pregnancy can be a massive risk for Niylah, that there's a chance she could die giving birth and that if they want, they can terminate.

Clarke wants to give it a thought, she considers it because as much as she loves this baby, Niylah is here and they aren't and she can't risk Niylah's life but Niylah refuses to terminate. There are a lot of angry tears and sad tears until Clarke relents, although she spends the rest of the pregnancy terrified that any day now she'll have a baby on her arms and her wife will be gone.

By some miracle, Niylah makes it. They do a c-section to raise Niylah's chances and it works. They are oh so happy. Seeing her wife and their perfect little baby makes Clarke so so happy. But Niylah is getting worse, there's no denying it. She gets tired faster, her appetite is low, and she saves any energy for Madi.

Niylah passes away peacefully, at least. She's in hospice, and there is no denying it she's going to die. It's after a good day. She colored with Madi and managed to walk around for a bit. Clarke brought her to the back porch so they could cuddle and watch the stars, even when Niylah was all bundled up despite being mid-August.

She goes to sleep in Clarke's arms. And she doesn't wake up. And Clarke knows it before she even opens her eyes.

#letter opened #au: dilf!clarke #:(: #they had their own love story 🥺 #Lexa cries so hard when Clarke tells her the whole story for the first time #Lexa truly truly admires Niylah

[goldenboygate]

Hi everyone, this is going to be me talking about pregnancy and worries about miscarriages, so only read if that doesn't bother you.

So, in just about 13 hours, I will be having my first ultrasound. For the past three weeks, I've been telling myself that something will go wrong. I've read about ectopic and chemical pregnancies, silent miscarriages (where you don't bleed), and just about everything. I think I've convinced myself that I won't hear a heartbeat tomorrow. I'm a very "the glass is in pieces on the floor" kinda gal.

I've overanalysed every pain I've felt, and I'm ready for blood every time I pee. Most of this has to do with the fact that I don't have the "normal" pregnancy symptoms. I haven't been nauseous (only twice on two separate mornings). I've had sore boobs and constant peeing and a slightly heightened sense of smell, but not the ones movie and tv have told me about, so that has a lot to do with why I'm really nervous about all of this.

I'm also nervous meeting the doctor cause he's male, and I'm fat, and I just know he's gonna say something about it (more body fat carries a higher chance of miscarriage). I took 8 pregnancy tests, so I'm definitely sure I'm pregnant (or at least was when I took them 3 weeks ago). I also haven't had a period since early June, so there's that.

So the point of all of this is that I wanted to ask if y'all, at least the ones who like me, could maybe spare a thought for me at 9 am GMT tomorrow. It would mean a lot to me. Those who don't like me can just ignore this post. No need to go anon to tell me what a bad person I am (which I have gotten before).

I hope I'll be posting some happy news here tomorrow ❤️

#tw pregnancy #tw miscarriage #tw body image

[mariacallous]

Spread of Catholic hospitals limits reproductive care across the U.S.

Religious doctrine restricts access to abortion and birth control and limits treatment options for miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies

The Supreme Court decision overturning the constitutional right to abortion is revealing the growing influence of Catholic health systems and their restrictions on reproductive services including birth control and abortion— even in the diminishing number of states where the procedure remains legal.

Catholic systems now control about 1 in 7 U.S. hospital beds, requiring religious doctrine to guide treatment, often to the surprise of patients. Their ascendancy has broad implications for the evolving national battle over reproductive rights beyond abortion, as bans against it take hold in more than a dozen Republican-led states.

The Catholic health-care facilities follow directives from the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops that prohibit treatment it deems “immoral”: sterilization including vasectomies, postpartum tubal ligations and contraception,as well as abortion. Those policies can limit treatment options for obstetric care during miscarriages and ectopic pregnancies, particularly in the presence of a fetal heartbeat.

“The directives are not just a collection of dos and don’ts,” said John F. Brehany, executive vice president of the National Catholic Bioethics Center and a longtime consultant to the conference of bishops. “They are a distillation of the moral teachings of the Catholic church as they apply to modern health care.” As such, he said, any facility that identifies as Catholic must abide by them.

The role of Catholic doctrine in U.S. health care has expanded during a years-long push to acquire smaller institutions — a reflection of consolidation in the hospital industry, as financially challenged community hospitals and independent physicians join bigger systems to gain access to electronic health records and other economies of scale. Acquisition by a Catholic health system has, at times, kept a town’s only hospital from closing.

Four of the nation’s 10 largest health systems are now Catholic, according to a 2020 report by the liberal health advocacy organization Community Catalyst. The 10 largest Catholic health systems control 394 short-term, acute-care hospitals, a 50 percent increase over the past two decades. In Alaska, Iowa, South Dakota, Washington and Wisconsin, 40 percent or more of hospital beds are in Catholic facilities.

“It’s all about market share,” said Lois Uttley, a senior adviser to the hospital equity and accountability project at Community Catalyst. Uttley, who has been tracking hospital mergers and acquisitions since the 1990s, said that with fewer choices, patients today face more difficulty obtaining reproductive services.

In Schenectady, N.Y., Ellis Medicine is in talks with the multistate Catholic giant Trinity Health. Last month, in Quad Cities, Iowa, Genesis Health System signed a letter of intent to enter a partnership with MercyOne, also part of Trinity Health. And this semester, Oberlin College had to find a new provider to prescribe contraceptives after outsourcing student health services to a Catholic system that would not provide them.

In rural northeast Connecticut, residents are protesting the prospect of their 128-year-old hospital becoming part of a Catholic system and thepotential impact on reproductive services.

“It would be very troubling to see cutbacks in a state like Connecticut,” said Ian McDonald, a stonemason who opposes the proposed deal between Day Kimball Healthcare in Putnam and Massachusetts-based Covenant Health.

Kyle Kramer, chief executive of Day Kimball Healthcare, said the proposed affiliation with Covenant Health wouldrescue the financially challenged 104-bed hospital.

“Obviously it has connotations,” Kramer said of the proposed move to faith-based ownership. The Catholic directives would “provide guidance,” he said in an interview, while insisting that “theservices that we have provided in the past are the same services that we will continue to provide in the future.”

Kramer did not answer questions in a follow-up email about how contraception and elective sterilizations could continue to be provided under Catholic doctrine if their primary purpose is for birth control. Nor did he specify how emergency obstetric care that could result in terminating a pregnancy might be affected.

Covenant Health spokeswoman Karen Sullivan said in an email that as part of the regulatory process, the Catholic health system is drafting a public response to questions by the state’s Oct. 23 deadline. The system, she said, is committed to “ensuring that the Ethical and Religious Directives are applied thoughtfully and with empathy, compassion and respect for every person we serve.”

Catholic hospitals and providers are accredited and held to the same standards as their secular equivalents, according to the Catholic Health Association of the United States, which lobbies on behalf of Catholic hospitals.

But reproductive rights advocates say there has been a steady erosion of services in both Republican- and Democratic-led states because of the growing dominance of Catholic hospitals.

Many patients are unaware of the restrictions because hospital administrators typically don’toutline the services they do not offer, saidSister Simone Campbell, a lawyer who until recently led the liberal-leaning NETWORK Lobby for Catholic Social Justice.

“Many hospitals have dealt with this by being pretty quiet. Dobbs has made it more of a question,” Campbell said, referring to the case that led to the Supreme Court’s overturning of Roe v. Wade.

Catholic facilities may not “promote or condone” contraception, according to the directives — a stance that is not widely shared by the public. Just 4 percent of U.S. adults think contraception is immoral, according to a 2016 Pew Research Center poll. Among Catholics who attend weekly Mass, only 13 percent say contraception is morally wrong, and 45 percent find it acceptable.

The directives,developed in the late 1940s by the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops, were updated in 2018, largely to ensure that Catholic doctrine prevails after mergers and acquisitions, according to Amy Chen, a lawyer with the National Health Law Program. They limit options for referring patients to secular facilities, saying employees must not “manage, carry out, assist in carrying out, make its facilities available for, make referrals for, or benefit from the revenue generated by immoral procedures.”

Interpretation of the directives varies among hospital ethics committees. But decisions ultimately rest with the local bishop, who is to be kept informed, the directives say, if “a Catholic health care institution might be wrongly cooperating with immoral procedures.”

“Bishops have a great deal of authority in their dioceses,” Brehany said. “A bishop should ensure that a Catholic organization is abiding by the directives.”

A 2018 survey published in the journal Contraception found that more than one-third of women who go to Catholic hospitals for reproductive care are not aware of the facilities’ religious affiliation. The study, conducted by researchers at the University of Chicago and the University of California at San Francisco, called for increased transparency among hospitals to raise awareness that patients’ options may be limited at institutions with religious ties.

“Even people who had a very wanted pregnancy are at the mercy of policies not driven by their personal values or by the best interests of their health,” said Debra Stulberg, the chair of family medicine at the University of Chicago and one of the researchers in the 2018 survey.

April King, 40, said she wanted to have her tubes tied immediately after giving birth to her second child in December 2020. The Los Angeles talent agent had suffered three miscarriages and knew her family was complete.

Then she learned she could not get a tubal ligationat Providence Saint John’s Health Center in Santa Monica, where she planned to deliver.

“I was just surprised that [the hospital] could decide that for us,” said King, who ultimately elected to go ahead with her delivery at Providence Saint John’s because of the care she had received there in the past.

Doctors,too, face surprises — and can even be reported to hospital ethics committees for following standards of care.

In Washington state, where 41 percent of beds are Catholic-run, legislators passed a law last year to prevent hospitals from interfering with a doctor’s ability to provide medically necessary care to a pregnant patient whose health or life is at risk.

Annie Iriye, a retired OB/GYN who used to work for a Catholic hospital in Olympia, Wash., testified in support of the bill. In a recent interview, Iriye described wanting to administer medication to hasten a woman’s delivery to stave off infection after her water broke at 18 weeks, before fetal viability. Even though the woman was in active labor, Iriye said other staffers refused to follow her direction as the attending physician because a heartbeat had been detected.

By the time the woman delivered, she had a fever and needed antibiotics. Staffers reported Iriye to the hospital ethics committee.

“I was flabbergasted,” Iriye said. “It’s like, ‘Oh, come on guys. Can’t we just practice medicine and give good care?’ ”

Patients say there appears to be little consistency in how hospital staffers interpret religious directives, with doctors sometimes having to make decisions on the fly.

Whitney Marshall, 29, learned only after waking up from exploratory surgery for endometriosis in 2019 at Ascension Crittenton in Rochester Hills, Mich., that her IUD had not been replaced. Marshall, who uses the device to reduce the pain associated with the condition, had to undergo a second procedure in her gynecologist’s office to have the IUD reinserted.The spokesman for Ascension Crittenton did not respond to requests for comment about the case.

“Some women cannot afford surgeries” to treat endometriosis, Marshall said. “So their only form of recourse is to try to regulate their hormones by using contraceptives.”

Catholic hospitals’ tradition of serving women and children in the neediest neighborhoods is “rooted in our reverence for life,” said Brian Reardon, spokesman for the Catholic Health Association. But the lack of choice has been felt keenly in rural and low-income communities where patients cannot easily transfer to secular institutions, reproductive rights advocates say.

Hospitals operating under Catholic restrictions are “the sole community providers of short-term acute hospital care” in more than 52 communities across the country — up from 30 in 2013,according to Community Catalyst.

In Putnam, Connecticut, residents have relied on Day Kimball Healthcare, the town’s only hospital, for more than a century.

Kramer, the chief executive, said the hospital has been exploring partnerships with larger systems over the past decade to ensure its long-term survival.

The proposed arrangement with Covenant Health requires the approval of Connecticut’s Office of Health Strategy, which has been examining how services might be affected.

The need to preserve access to reproductive health services can bring an end to negotiations. In 2012, the investor in a proposed joint venture with two hospitals in Waterbury, Conn., one of which was Catholic, pulled out after reproductive health advocates and the local archbishop raised opposing concerns about creating a “hospital within a hospital” to provide reproductive services — a workaround that had been successful elsewhere.

Access to reproductive services has shrunk recently around Day Kimball after the 2020 closure of Planned Parenthood in nearby Danielson.

Like many hospitals, Day Kimball does not provide elective abortions, according to documents filed with the state. But it has provided other care prohibited by Catholic directives, including elective sterilizations.

Those services are key to preventing unwanted pregnancies, said Lee Wesler, an internist who has been affiliated with Day Kimball for a decade.

“Any unwanted pregnancy is a potential abortion,” Weslersaid.

Members of the group Save Day Kimball Healthcare said that in conversations, Kramer and other representatives of the hospital have sought to be reassuring. “They say, ‘Everything will be fine,’ ” said Margaret Martin, a retired social worker and member of the group.

Kramer, who said he intends to stay on if the Covenant deal goes through, repeated those assurances to The Washington Post. “What we have been we will still be,” he said, while declining to describe how contraceptives could be offered for the sole purpose ofbirth control.

In a Q&A posted in September on the Day Kimball website, Kramer suggeststhat other justifications could be found for using “tools” suchas oral contraceptives, including “to maintain health and wellness, to address a medical condition, prevent disease, and mitigate cancer risk.”

Bruce Shay, a member of the Save Day Kimball Healthcare steering committee, says he worries doctors may leave if they have to abide by the directives — or might evade them by making “a sketchy diagnosis.”

Nandini Seshadri has seen that happen.

The 40-year-old Latham, N.Y. resident received a copper IUD after delivering her first child at a secular hospital that Trinity is in the process of acquiring. She was denied the device after giving birth to her second child at a Catholic hospital now affiliated with Trinity.

“I remember laughing and saying, ‘What? Seriously?’ ” Seshadri recalled. “I didn’t know that Catholic hospitals still did that.”

She was even more surprised when her nurse-midwife offered her a hormonal IUD instead, on the grounds that she needed it to stabilize her menstrual cycle.

“I didn’t have that problem,” Seshadri said. To give her the contraception, she said, the nurse “was essentially falsifying my medical record.”

[allemantheias]

Parent triangle. Part 4.

Announcement to our parents.

Part 1. Part 2. Part 3. [Part 4.] Part 5. Part 6 coming soon Word count: 4073. Warnings can be found in part 1. Read Parent triangle on AO3.

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My abs, which were slightly visible before I got pregnant, have morphed into a little baby bump. It's barely noticeable, only people that know I'm pregnant can see it. That's still only Rodolfo, Alejandro and me. I'm eight weeks pregnant now and today is our first ultrasound appointment. Both guys were able to get a few hours off of work to be there with me. It's the first one, the most significant one because we will see our baby for the first time and I want them to both be present. We were almost late to the appointment because my body decided I had to puke my guts out for ten minutes straight. I was glad Rodolfo stayed with me in the bathroom, while I was throwing up on an empty stomach. "I'm thrilled to see our baby!" I was unable to eat from the nerves. After Alejandro and I were asked many questions about our personal health and family health. She asked me questions about my menstrual cycle, if it was regular, yes, and the first day of my last period, which was April third. When she heard everything she needed to know, she left the examination room to get her intern. Rodolfo didn't need to answer questions because Alejandro is the biological father. The gynaecologist asked me if I was okay with a male intern doing the ultrasound while she gives him instructions. Of course I was okay with that. Everyone has to learn. I'm not over ten weeks pregnant yet, so the scan has to be done internally, from inside my vagina. There's not much visible if they would look from my stomach, the baby is too tiny for now. Both guys are anxiously waiting to see their baby too. "Let's look for this little human that's brewing." The gynaecologist sits down on a chair next to the intern, who looks a bit uncomfortable. I assume that's because my legs are open wide and his hand is between them. He's still young, looks to be in his early twenties. The woman guides her student through the procedure, tells him when he needs to do what and when to press what buttons on the machine.

"Please tell me when I'm pressing too hard. This is my first transvaginal scan." He apologizes beforehand.

I smile at him reassuring. "You're doing fine. I'll let you know when it's uncomfortable." The young guy nods, focuses on the machine and moves the transducer inside of me looking for our little baby. I look at the screen of the machine and see some shapes I can't recognise.

"Take your time. Move it a bit slower." The woman points to something on the screen, saw something already with her trained eyes. "There you go, that's it. Try to keep it still now. Do you remember what to look for?" My heart pounds in my throat when I see the shape of a little baby on screen. I look over to the guys and see them both with huge smiles on their faces. Them loving this as much as I do makes me feel like I'm on cloud nine.

"If the embryo is inside of the uterus and not ectopic, if there is a gestational sac and the amount of embryos."

"And what do you see for all of those points?" She asks to make him practice.

"The embryo is inside the uterus. This is the gestational sac." He indicates what's visible on the screen. "And as far as I can see, there's one embryo present." Thank the lord we're not having twins!

"Very good." The doctor praises him. "Now, as a last exercise, can you measure the embryo's length?"

"I'll try." He presses buttons on the machine. "It's eighteen millimetres long, which is perfect for a pregnancy of eight weeks exact."

"Correct, well done. What's the button to hear the heartbeat?"

"This one." He sets his finger on it.

"Are you sure?"

The button is pushed and the sound of a fast pounding heart fills the room. Oh my god! This is our baby's heartbeat? It's so fast! I get a bit lightheaded from excitement and lay my hand on my eyes to make it dark.

"Lau, are you okay?" Rudy whispers when he notices I'm not looking at our baby anymore.

"Yes, just a bit dizzy from too much adrenaline at once." I smile to let him know I'm fine.

"You earned a break. I'll get you again for the next appointment." The gynaecologist sits down after the student gets up and pushes the heartbeat button to stop the sound.

"Thanks for letting me practice on you, on your first scan." He shyly tells me.

"No problem. Good luck." I see him leave the room with a red face.

"Let's calculate your due date and then we're done for this appointment." She explains how it is calculated and why like this. "Which makes January eight your baby's due date." The woman hands me a thick, square piece of paper. An ultrasound picture of our baby! It's so adorable! I hand it over to Alejandro and Rodolfo, who can't stop staring at it. "Lastly, you need your blood drawn. That has to be done at least three times, once in every trimester. The order for the draw is ready in their system. Do you know where to find the unit?"

"Yes, I used to be a regular." I jokingly answer, I had to get my blood tested a lot when I moved here six and a half years ago.

"Okay. Enjoy your pregnancy and we'll see each other again the next time." After my blood was drawn, the guys made me eat something. Alejandro also observed that I was a bit off. When I got something down, and it stayed down, they dropped me off at my house.

"See you tonight, querido (dear). Rudy will be home at five, and I'll be back at six thirty." Ale puts his lips on my cheek and takes a last look at the picture of our baby. "Don't let your mom see that yet." We'll tell our parents we're expecting a baby at dinner tonight. Terrifying, but also so exciting!

"I'll keep it hidden in my bag until everyone is present at dinner."

"Good idea. Well, we have to go back to work." He fleetingly kisses my lips. "Love you, cariño (darling)." My cheeks blush. I'm still not used to them telling me they love me since I joined their relationship. Not this type of romantic love, they of course loved me as their friend before and told me often, but this is different. Alejandro gets back into his car and drives away. I close the door and rest up for a while, before I have to do groceries for tonight. I'll be cooking dinner at their place because I can't fit nine people in my apartment. Alejandro and Rodolfo have a massive house close to the beach, away from the crowded city. I live in a small apartment on the edge of the city. "I'm so scared." I whisper to Alejandro, who's waiting with me in the kitchen for the meat to be done, leaving my piece longer because I can't eat it underdone anymore. "What if Rudy's or your parents don't like me as your girlfriend?" Their parents know I'm their best friend. "What if my dad disowns me?"

"It's going to be fine, cariño (darling). If anything does happen, we're still here for you. We will always have your back." He presses a kiss on my temple and turns me around, stands behind me with his hands on my stomach. "Míralos (Look at them), our parents seem to get along already." I see them laughing together, my mom too. My dad doesn't care, as I expected. He's just drinking his beer, which he insisted on even after my mom tried to change his mind to have him pick a soda instead. So the alcoholic got his alcohol fix. He better behaves tonight! I'm glad we only got two cans of beer for him. "Sweetheart, don't worry so much. We'll keep him under control if he tries anything."

"Yeah, we can take him, we're strong soldiers." Rodolfo lightens my tense mood, even makes me smile. "You're safe with us, princesa." He kisses my cheek and goes back to setting the dinner table. I decide to help him and grab nine sets of cutlery. "We wanted to introduce all of you to someone." Alejandro starts talking when it's quiet for a bit. I'm sure all of us three feel nervous.

"Honey, we know Lauren, she's been your best friend since the day she started working for you." His mom says.

"Yes, but she's our girlfriend now." He tells with a proud smile on his face. All eyes focus on me. Their parents look confused, probably because they've always been gay.

"When did that happen?" Rudy's mother asks interested. I'm glad they are not mad about this.

"One and a half months ago, but we've known for at least five years that we liked her more than just a friend." Rudy explains.

"You are wasting your life, Lauren." My dad is the first one to voice his opinion on the unconventional situation. "At least we don't have to expect grandkids from you." He shoves his chair back and gets up.

"Well dad, I'm already pr-" Before I can finish my sentence, Alejandro holds his hand on my mouth, prevents me from talking while my dad leaves and closes the front door with a loud bang.

"Don't say it, doll. You'll make his anger worse. He doesn't have to know for now." He whispers, so the other parents won't hear. I knew this would happen! Why did he insist on coming when he would get mad anyway? He knows how he acts on alcohol! I remove myself from Alejandro's hands and go outside, cry on the wooden bench in the garden. It's below the kitchen window, great.

"Rudy, you should comfort her." Alejandro suggests.

"Me? But you are the one that always hits the sweet spots to make her feel better again."

"That's why you should try it, I assure you it'll be fine."

"Fino (Fine)." Rudy's footsteps appear outside and he sits next to me on the bench. "Lo siento (I'm sorry), babygirl. This should have been a good memory for all of us." His arms wrap around me and he dries my cheeks.

"I knew he would get mad. I should've told him to stay home, even if that would make him furious too. He's such an entitled asshole!" I wipe my cheeks, which are already wet again, with the back of my hands. "I hate him! I hate him so much! I don't want him to ever know that we're having a baby. Not this one, not future ones."

"I completely agree. There was no need for him to act like an asshole at all."

"That's just him. I don't know why my mom refuses to divorce him. He's been having these outbursts ever since he started drinking lots." I get up from the bench and dry my cheeks again. "Thanks for making me feel better again, Rudy."

"No problem, mi corazón (my heart)." He opens the door to the kitchen and I follow him inside. "Your mom went to talk to your dad." Alejandro's mother tells me when I walk past her in the hallway.

"Good." I nod and set my foot on the first step of the stairs.

"Lauren?"

"Yes?" I turn around.

"I know the guys are serious about you, I've heard lots about you since they met you, so I want you to know that you are very welcome in our family. The circumstances may be unconventional, but Alejandro's father and I have always supported him in his life choices, even when we didn't like it at first." She holds my hand and squeezes it encouragingly. "As with the time he told us he wanted to join the military at just sixteen, which he then did."

"Thank you, Miss Vargas." I'm glad she isn't puking me out like my dad did.

"Can I.. ask you something personal?" She looks at me cautiously.

"I- uh- Sure?" I wonder what she wants to know.

"I'm very sorry if this is a sensitive topic for you, but I have been wondering since we arrived if you are pregnant?" She asks in a soft voice. My jaw drops and my body heats up. She noticed? Out of nowhere I get emotional and start to cry. Hormonal mess that I am! Maybe it has something to do with my father's reaction too? "Oh, mi hija (my daughter), I didn't want to upset you. You have the same glow Alejandro's sister had before she gave birth. Lo siento, dulzura (I'm sorry, sweetheart)." The fact that she just called me daughter has me even more emotional.

"Mamá, what happened?" Alejandro walks into the hallway and I can't stop more tears from appearing. "Cariño (darling), everything's okay." He pulls me against his chest, closes his strong arms around me. His scent calms me down a little.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked if she was pregnant. Idea tonta (Silly idea)." His mother explains.

"Oh doll, your hormones are all over the place today. You need a bath to relax after dinner." He kisses my lips fleetingly.

"¿Es ella? (Is she?)"

"Sí, we wanted to announce it after telling everyone that Lauren is part of our relationship too now."

"How far along is she?"

"Eight weeks."

Rudy also sets foot into the hallway, is confused that we're standing here. "Are you coming for dinner? It's ready in a minute." His eyes look for what has happened that I'm crying.

"Who of you is the father? Quiero decir- (I mean-) biologically?"

"Ale is." Rudy replies, now knowing why I was crying. "I'll put everything on the table."

"Mi amor (my love), we will always have your back. Everything will be fine." Alejandro reassures me. "Come, let's have dinner. That'll do you good." I don't feel like saying anything at the moment, so I go to the kitchen.

"Lo siento, querido (I'm sorry, dear), I hope I didn't upset her too much."

"Don't worry, mamá. You didn't cause this, her father did. It bothers her a bit too much."

"I can understand. His behaviour was not necessary. I think it's lovely." My mom is back when I arrive in the kitchen. "Dad left."

"I didn't want him here anyway." I sit on the chair next to Rudy, in the middle of the three seats on the long side of the dining table, and lay my head on his shoulder.

"Hola mi corazón (Hi my heart), do you still want to share information with the others?" He whispers with his hand on my inner thigh.

"I don't mind anymore. Ale's mom knows, so why not?" I'm not in the mood to tell them myself, though.

"They will love it, don't worry."

"Dinner looks and smells amazing. Did you make it all on your own?" Rodolfo's mom asks me while everyone is scooping food on their plate.

"She did."

"I did not, both of them helped me after they got home from work."

"She did ninety percent of it." Alejandro backs up our boyfriend when he takes the seat next to me.

"Well, it's lovely, sweetheart." She smiles and starts eating, as does everyone else. "We wanted all of you here together, because we have other news to share." Rudy fills some empty wine glasses while talking. "Very tiny news." He takes the three small gifts from the cabinet above the sink and sits back down next to me. Every pair of parents gets a package shoved in front of them. My mom on her own.

"Why are you smiling?" Alejandro's father asks his wife.

"No reason. You open it." She acts like she doesn't know about the surprise and winks at me. All parents open their gifts. My mom is the last one to open the box and take out the baby onesie, looks at the others' packages for affirmation of what she's holding. We bought them all a romper with My grandparents are the best! on it.

"Isn't it glorious? Our kids are having a baby." Alejandro's mother reaches over the table and holds my hands, squeezes them in endearment.

"Who of you is the father?" Rudy's dad wonders.

"Alejandro is. The next one will be mine." Last night Rudy said he wants to get me pregnant when we are ready for a second baby.

"How did that happen?" His mother wants to know.

"We got wasted and ended up in bed together." It's adorable how his face turns red.

"I assume it was a big surprise, then?" Alejandro's mom sips from her wineglass.

"Yeah, absolutely." I sigh.

"How far are you?" My mom finally talks, and she's not mad!

"Just eight weeks today."

"Congrats honey, I'm happy for you." She smiles at me.

"I'm glad dad isn't here. I don't want him to know."

"I won't tell him, unless you want me to do that sometime later."

"Maybe, he needs to cool off first."

"When is your due date?"

"January eight." I answer many more questions from all parents. All of them being excited about us having a baby makes me feel better after how my dad reacted earlier tonight. We also share the ultrasound picture we got at the scan this morning. "Thanks for the delicious meal, dulzura (sweetheart). Enjoy your pregnancy." Alejandro's mother puts a kiss on my cheek. "Let me know if we can do anything for you."

"I will, thanks. Goodnight." I wave shortly and say goodbye to my mother next, who's also ready to leave.

"Take care, honey. I'll talk to your dad about his behaviour tonight."

"Mom.. do you think I'm wasting my life this way?" My dad's words hurt, even though I know I shouldn't care about anything he says.

"No. As long as you are happy, I'm happy for you too. If this unconventional relationship makes you happy, who am I to tell you you can't? Same goes for your dad. Something that doesn't follow social standards doesn't have to be a bad thing. You seem a lot happier since a few weeks." She looks up to the stairs for a second when Alejandro walks down. "Your baby will be loved dearly by three amazing parents." She strokes my cheek and turns around, goes to her car. "Goodbye, honey." How did dad go home? I don't even care, to be honest. "Your bath is ready, cariño (darling)." Alejandro's arms wrap around my stomach as I stick the ultrasound picture on the fridge door with a star-shaped magnet. "I can't believe we made that little bubble."

"Me neither. I can't wait to put more pictures here."

"Hey, you lovebirds, I'm going out for a drink with our friends from 141." Rodolfo walks up to us and kisses us both. "I won't be home too late."

"Don't get so drunk that you'll spill our secrets this early."

"No promises." He walks away with a grin on his face.

"The asshole!" Alejandro laughs.

"I'm your asshole!" Is yelled from the living room. 

"Your asshole is mine, indeed."

"Enjoy the twosome. Bye!" The front door shuts.

"Bath, now." Alejandro pushes me towards the stairs. I get rid of my clothes when we enter the bathroom, just like he does. I can't help myself to look at my stomach in the mirror. It's barely visible, only because the defined muscles that I used to have are gone. "Come, get in." Both of us get inside the hot water.

"This is what I need after today." I rest my head on his chest when he puts his arm around my shoulders. This is relaxing.

"How are you feeling after what happened before dinner?" He kisses the top of my head.

"Better, but I still hate how my dad acted today. I didn't want him to be here and he just did anyway, because he doesn't respect me at all."

"Es un pedazo de mierda (He's a piece of shit)."

"I don't want him to ever see our kids."

"I'll personally make sure he never will." He promises me. "Now let's get you a relaxing bath. Lay down on the platform." I do what he wants and get out of the water, put my back on the marbled surface and my heels on the edge. The cold sends shivers through my body, but I forget about it when Alejandro dives between my legs and eats me like I haven't fed him for the past few days. He wastes no second to get two fingers inside, pumps them against my sensitive spot. He spoils my cavern with his skilled fingers. Loud moans escape my lips from the intense stimulation and without any effort he has me reach my climax. "I love how easy you can come."

"Only you and Rudy make me come this fast. No others have gotten me off this quick." With a deep sigh I slide back into the hot water.

"Good, I'm far from done with you." The tone in which he says it gives me goosebumps in the warm water and makes my lower abdomen tingle. Just when I think I can recover for a bit, he roughly pushes me with my upper body on the cold platform. My nipples stiffen from the cold marble. Alejandro immediately enters me with a deep thrust, stretches and fills me, has me cry out from pleasure. "I can't get enough of you, doll." While moving at a relentless pace, he bends my arms on my back and holds them together at my wrists with one hand. With his free hand he smacks my buttcheek, after which he firmly grips it and then repeats the process. That's going to leave marks again. His hand slides over my buttocks and also over my asshole a few times. Is he going to do something with it? He bends down and kisses my shoulder blades. With his thumb, he gives pressure on my sphincter and not much later lets it slide in. The feeling is amazing and I come with a loud moan. Alejandro pulls me up by my hair and kisses me passionately. "I can't last much longer like this. Get on top of me." He demands before he pulls out and sits back down. He helps me on his lap and holds his cock up so I can lower myself on him. I put my weight on him and he eases inside. We both moan. When he fills me up to my cervix I stop moving and take a moment to adjust to the feeling. I move my hips up and down and the water sloshes against the edges to the rhythm of my movements. Every now and then Alejandro pushes me down harder, after putting his hands on my waist. I wrap my arms around his neck and shoulders and kiss him. He thrusts upwards as he pulls me down. This way it seems like there's extra pressure on my sensitive spot. I put my hands on the sides of his neck and bite his lower lip. Immediately he kisses me back roughly and pushes me even harder on his erection. His left hand is on my hip and with his thumb he stimulates my clit.

"I oh- feel you so g- oh!" I can't utter any more words and dig my nails into his shoulders. Alejandro lets out a growling moan and with his hand he grips my buttocks. He firmly squeezes the flesh of my ass and I let out a squeal. The strong stimulation on my clit combined with his deep thrusts, make me reach my third high accompanied by lots of moans. I rest my face in his neck, exhausted from this lovemaking session, while he keeps moving my hips.

Alejandro holds me still when he's as deep as possible, and spills his seed inside of me while grunting from pleasure. "You're so amazing, love." I let him slip out of me and turn around, sit between his legs and Alejandro puts his arms around me, places sweet kisses on the side of my neck and on my shoulders. We stay like this until the water gets cold.

#alejandro vargas #alejandro vargas x reader #alejandro vargas x you #alejandro vargas x original female character #parent triangle #rodolfo parra #rodolfo parra x reader #rodolfo parra x you #rodolfo parra x original female character #mangomochamikamuffin #allemantheias #alerudy

[dawndelion-winery]

now here's a biology one

are you an ectopic heartbeat bc you're rare to find in normal people and you make my heart go out of order

Thanks, I hate it :D

#winery guests: liliandil

[jessylaurenxo]

When you lose a baby to early pregnancy loss you experience a very unique type of grief.

💔 A grief that is often not spoken about.

💔 A grief that is not always recognised.

I will never be the same person I was before I experienced my pregnancy losses or my struggle with infertility.

They have changed who I am in a way that can never be undone.

They’ve changed how I think, feel & act.

They’ve changed my personality.

They’ve shattered me into a million pieces.

I’ve been trying so hard to rebuild myself over the years from all the heartbreak, but the cracks will always be there.

I will always be missing figurative pieces of my heart & literal pieces of my anatomy.

I'm no longer the outgoing, happy girl I was before them.

I'm an introvert who hardly ever wants to leave the house.

Seeing babies in public often makes me breakdown.

Baby aisles at the shops overwhelm me.

I'm anxious more often than not these days.

I'm the total opposite of who I once was.

The brokenness I feel in my heart cannot be explained. There is no way to prepare yourself for what you will endure while going through a pregnancy loss. No amount of planning or research will ever be enough to lessen the pain that comes after it & no matter the circumstances from which it occurs neither your head nor your heart will ever be ready for what they are about to endure.

The recovery afterwards isn’t just physical, it’s also mental. It’s not just weeks of recovery from the emergency surgery or loss itself, it’s also a constant mental battle that you now have to face daily. & much to everyones dismay, healing from it all doesn't just happen in an instant, & the feelings you have don't just disappear in a day.

There is no switch to flick to turn them off. They are always there & they know no time limit. Regardless of how many times you have to go through it, the heartbreak you feel each time hurts all the same.

It’s not something you will ever be able to forget about either, no matter how hard you try to erase it from your memories or push it aside. & the scars it leaves on your body in place of what it has taken are permanent.

Pregnancy loss, no matter what kind, goes way beyond just losing a baby. It is an experience that is truly indescribable, & one that I would never wish upon anyone.

It takes with it so much more than just a beautiful life, it takes away everything that comes with it. The hope to someday be a mum, your faith that you try so desperately to hold onto, the trust you have in your body because it’s constantly failing you & you don’t know why; the future plans you had made, your happiness.

All of it just... gone.

Sadly, all I have to show from my ectopic pregnancy is two pink lines. I have no photos & nothing but a blurry ultrasound memory of seeing the little heartbeat through teary eyes, while being told I would need emergency surgery straight away as baby wasn’t where it should be. That’s a memory that now plays on repeat in my mind, & unfortunately this is also the case for many other women who have lost their babies. Not everyone gets to take home a keepsake. Sometimes the memories & heartbreak are all we are left with.

There is no emptier feeling than that of which comes after you lose a baby, & there is no greater pain that you will ever experience than when you are faced with that type of grief.

The day I lost my baby, I lost so much more than that & it may take a lifetime to heal from it 💔

#pregnancyloss #pregnancylossawareness #pregnancylosssupport #ectopicpregnancy #ectopicpregnancyawareness #infertilityawareness #infertilitysupport #infertilityjourney #foreverloved #myangel

[aftonfamilyvalues]

someone on my facebook shared a post with a bunch of signs from one of those "progressive" churches and i just realized, none of them have to do with women! sure they have good messages about accepting homosexuality and not being racist but there's literally one in response to abortion rights being under attack that says "our transgender siblings have a heartbeat too" which... what about the women who have to carry these fetuses to term and it ends up killing them? or the women who are denied abortion for ectopic pregnancies who are left on suffer on the brink of death before they can recieve life saving medically necessary abortions? why make that about trans people rather than about the women getting murderer for being pregnant or forced to die during childbirth? why make that a pro trans response? even those "progressive" churches dont give a fuck about women.

[whentherewerebicycles]

went to the woods at sunset last night with my mom and did a hard sad little ritual of closure that hurt me a lot but also felt like painfully needed closure. we both cried so much I feel dehydrated still but it was good and I’m so glad I asked my mom to come instead of doing it alone like I originally thought I wanted to. I was afraid I’d feel embarrassed and stupid with someone else watching but I just felt so deeply loved and held. then I came home and wrote about it for a long time and read this book on pregnancy loss until late. the book is making me cry too but in a good meaningful way. I feel like the most important thing it’s given me is a clearer understanding of how almost every part of the loss was made more acutely distressing and difficult to grieve by the way doctors and techs talked to me and about me with each other in my presence. my surgical team was good and took the time to say they were sorry this was happening to me but leading up to that there was just so much casual thoughtless cruelty that I’m sure no one intended to be cruel but made me feel so, so bad and empty and alone, like I wasn’t even a person. like I will never for as long as I live forget the feeling of being hunched over in the table in the dark undressed from the waist down with tears streaming down my face under my mask right after the radiologist confirmed the diagnosis, and then the tech turning to put something away and telling me in the brightest, most excited voice that in ten years of doing ultrasounds she’d “never seen a live one before!”, which was how I learned that the baby had a heartbeat. but then I will also never in my entire life forget the other ultrasound tech, who was the one person in that entire awful prolonged experience who called it the little baby instead of the adnexal mass or the ectopic and who asked me if I wanted to see it and then sat with me in silence for a long, long time so I could look at the screen for as long as I needed to. I really deeply get that this is politically complicated territory where as a medical professional you don’t want to assume that the pregnancy was planned/wanted or that someone is experiencing the loss as a loss or that the person feels like the baby was a baby, but as my sister pointed out, everyone involved knew that I had gotten pregnant after multiple cycles of IUI and no one does that unless it’s a badly wanted pregnancy. idk the book has all these quotes from other women where they describe things I also heard doctors saying to/about me and they share how small or alone it made them feel and it’s just making me feel this weirdly intense sense of relief like oh ok I get it. this was always going to be hard and fraught and sad but if people had been just a little more sensitive or careful with their words or attuned to me as a suffering human being it could have been clean grief from the start instead of grief all twisted up in shame and embarrassment and feeling like I wasn’t even supposed to feel sad.

there isn’t a silver lining to all of this, it’s just a hard sad thing that happened to me and that I am finding a way to live with. but during that second awful ultrasound, the one that made me feel so empty and lonely, I remember lying on the table staring up at the ceiling just thinking and praying that if this thing had to happen to me that it would lead me towards deeper compassion, that it would in time make me a gentler, more caring, more open person instead of someone all locked up inside with shame and grief. and I think that in time it will. I feel like at the very least I can be a better friend to the people I love if something like this happens to them. the book talks about how for many people it can be healing to reflect on the positive ways even a brief pregnancy changed you and to think of that as a gift or a legacy that the pregnancy left you with—not like the changes are a consolation prize but just like, it can be very healing to infuse your loss with a deeper sense of purpose and meaning so it feels like it was real and it mattered and it changed you. it was real and it mattered and it changed me. and that is something I will carry with me.

anyway those are just some things I am thinking about this morning. long road long road but I am walking it.

#IUI tag

[syn0vial]

a little personal life update for those who care: had covid at the beginning of the month, am now covid-free but am having heart palpitations (skipped/ectopic heartbeats) so have been in-and-out of the hospital seeing what's what. i'm now wearing a heart monitor for the next 24 hours and will get more information in the next 1.5 weeks. got a prescription for propranolol in the meantime, so we'll see how it goes.

#it sucks. i'll go through periods where i'll get several ectopic beats a minute #and then periods where i'll only get a couple an hour #everything i've heard says that it's nothing immediately dangerous but it feels very unpleasant and triggers my anxiety something awful #fuck covid dude. i had a mild case and no pre-existing heart conditions and now i might have to go on heart medication long term #i'm just hoping i don't need surgery #personal #had two doses of pfizer last year if anyone's curious