#done in the last 30 mins of my shift

[strigital]

And when the world remembers...

#celebratory asshole man to commemorate the announcement of the new dlc #with an ink pen i found abandoned by one of the self checkouts #done in the last 30 mins of my shift #because I'm just #VIBRATING with excitement #i beg thee o zenimax #a crumb of miraak is all i need #the elder scrolls #skyrim #dragonborn #miraak #bethesda #tes v #tes 5 #my art #sketch #traditional doodle #ink pen

[kringe]

Jesus christ. finally home after a 10 hr shift.

#i was the first one in the store when it opened and the last one out when it closed #longest shift of my fucking life. for referance i typically work 5 hrs and when i do stay over its usually only for 30 mins or an hr #there was so much to do today it didnt even all get done and i open again tomorrow....fuck! #i had to cancel having dinner with my parents 💀 hashtag married to the job hastag manager life

[nucifraga]

big day for my thoughts of things other than mike crew.

only listened to his statement 3 times today. as a treat i'm going to ramble on about his cadence; it's one of the reasons i've been able to listen to it *checks notes* at least 30 times in the last week.

it always catches me off-guard, because he makes pauses at places i don't expect him to. normally, when people speak, they pause at joining or connecting words, but mike constantly, throughout his statement, stops at odd places, like:

"exists in my mind... completely detached"

"dreamed that night of... shifting, branching"

they're not indicated in the transcript, because they're too short to really count, but it happens multiple times throughout his statement, like he's struggling for words, having difficulty either recalling or articulating what had happened. i adore either possibility, or both at the same time, because for the former you have his self-admitted "sometimes it's hard to keep track" & for the latter you have the obviously traumatic childhood and his "i'm not usually the sort for speeches".

i think when i first listened to his statement back in 2020, it kind of annoyed? me? because i was so used to mr. j. sims, oxford graduate, and his smooth posh voice, but now that my eyes have been opened it's just part of his charm.

it's got to be something about the dopamine expectation vs. actuality thing; if you know something too well it gets tiring, which is how i get sick of songs when i loop them. but even though i know basically every word of those 14 mins where mike crew speaks, i don't know the way he says it with 100% certainty, so each time i listen i'm treated to several surprises along the way and my brain loves it!!

(also tangentially related -- i always expect him to say 'decade' when he talks about the first 'real' storm in 10 years, because of course 10 years is a decade,, but maybe that's my literature-brain speaking? which is interesting because i'd thought with the amount of book-hunting mike's done he'd be more used to fancier terminology. or maybe he's just more utilitarian in his speech. or i'm just reading too much into a single word choice in a 1.5k+ word statement, which is far more likely)

#only listened 3x today which is an improvement from 5x yest #8x the day before #& 10-15x on sunday #mikecrew #oversharing rambles #im going to listen to it again before bed but-- #mike crew #tma #the magnus archives #thinking of telling my new friend to her face that i'd win in an autism-off (for some reason she isn't sure i have it yet) #ok actually i lied ive just relistened twice while typing this post up lmao #i have so many thoughts about the complexity and dichotomy of mike's emotions when he talks about fear desperation fright

[lotusmi]

i got a weird void story to share😭😭

so last night i wanted to shift to one of my DRs (didnt even intend to tap into the void at first) and just started doing my own thing. i just started breathing in and out for like 2-3 mins, then after that i started counting from 1 to 100. as soon as i was done counting my dumb ass thought “hey, why not tap into the void instead?” and i started saying void affs as in “i am void” “i am pure consciousness” AND AS SOON AS I STARTED SAYING THEM WEIRD STUFF STARTED HAPPENING RIGHT AWAY. I’ll try to explain it as clearly as i can because i still am a bit confused myself😭 the darkness in front of my eyes got even darker? like it became pitch black. my whole body went completely numbed, i could feel my face still but i couldn’t feel the rest of my body. i started hearing this ringing sound in my left ear??? or beach waves idk either one of them. and my heart started beating so fricking fast that i felt like it was gonna come out of my chest and that scared me and made it difficult to breath. but i guess i either got too scared or excited (or both) because then the whole feeling went away😭 i felt myself in my bed again and the pitch black became “normal”. for the next 30 mins i was contemplating what just happened and decided to try it again. did the whole thing again and as soon i started saying the affs again my whole body went numb and the pitch black came back, although this time it was only for a few seconds and then went away again. so yeah, not sure whatever that was but it kinda motivated me lol. but i think i’ll just stick manifesting waking up into it casually because that shit was scary😭😭😭😭

You should keep persisting since you were about to enter!!!!

[mille-marteaux]

Touhoumon Purple (pinned post)

This is a pinned post! There is newer blog content below this point, but the rest of this post is contained beneath the Read More button.

Last update: March 19th, 2023

Documentation, downloads:

Changelog:

New documentation hub and landing page. It's included as a link to a Google Spreadsheet. While this is primarily the same as the contents of the text files, its easier on you for not having to juggle like ten tabs or whatever.

Mandatory Strength boulders have been pre-moved by default. Optional ones for items still require the HM, however.

Starters now evolve at level 30 instead of level 36. Learnset levels are adjusted for starter Chibi forms and evolved forms, including stone evolutions.

Red UFOs exchanges changed. They are now used for IV maxing NPCs near Mossdeep.

There are four NPCs with different IV spreads.

One is all 31. This is for most casual users in-game.

One is Attack 0, rest 31. This is to minimize self-damage from confusion on puppets that aren't using their Attack stat. Very min-maxy.

One is Speed 0, rest 31. This is even more niche and min-maxy than the last; the only use case for this is for purposefully slowing puppets down for Baton Pass. Gen 3 will sometimes use Baton Pass as a neutral turn switch, similar to U-Turn.

The last is Attack/Speed 0, rest 31. This is very niche and min-maxy. This is again for Baton Pass, but also minimizes confusion self-damage.

EV training NPCs in the Frontier changed. They now give 4 EVs in their listed stat per battle. This slows the process of EV training down but makes it way easier to make specialized EV spreads.

All TMs are now in Lilycove Mart, as well as the "rare" berries

Tori can now evolve into Chibi versions of the birds in the sprite

Yes, this does some absolutely ridiculous things to their movepools. blast burn mystia lets goooooooo

Tewi, Attack Tewi, and Defense Tewi can now all fully slide Attack and Defense could already slide, so this just makes it funnier. Use a Power Shard on Attack Tewi to turn her into normal Tewi, etc no advent though she can keep that movepool to herself

"Energy Ball" has, finally, been renamed to "Focus Blast"

Evolved Koishi now holds PP Up at 50% and PP Max at 5%

Reisen II buffs, finally -- Typing is now Heart/Fire -- Stats are now 65 HP, 60 ATK, 80 DEF, 130 S.ATK, 65 S.DEF, 85 Speed -- Her level-up movepool is unchanged, but she can learn a huge mess of special moves via TM now. This makes her usable if you want to, but you have to invest in her pretty heavily depending on what you may want to run -- Her primary ability is now Magnet Pull -- Gained Pickup as a secondary ability

Added another above-curve item, similar to Elder Pain and Psycho Wand -- It functions as a Quick Claw that always activates. Due to its relative ease of obtaining compared to the previous two items, there is only one way to obtain it unless playing the Sandbox version

This is actually the final update to this hack because I'm sick of binary hacking. It's tedious, slow, annoying, and things can just break. I'm tired of making multiple gigabytes of backups just because I want to change some images or text around.

This project is done! Complete, finished. There is nothing more that I can reasonably fit into this game anymore that I want to include.

I want to be done with this project.. so I am! Unless something is broken, I guess. If it literally does not function by my own fault, I'll fix it, but I'm not adding or changing anything else from this point on.

The shift to a Google Sheet is because we anticipate the current hosting, and by extension website, to go down permanently.

While backups are in place whenever a new hosting plan is picked out, this will continue to exist as a central information hub just so you don't have to thumb through multiple text files and wiki dive.

As of the time of posting this, the documentation is not 100% complete - I have yet to do level-up movesets and TM/HM compatibility, but I intend to work on that soon enough.

There are a few more things cooking right now, so stay tuned!

#touhou #pokemon #touhoumon #touhou puppet play

[wheelcr]

flora, do you have any shifting experiences that you want to share rn? open ended ask for you to write whatever you want <3

(also IM DONE EITH SCHOOL FOR THE DAY YAY)

FAIRY THIS IS SO SWEET GIGLLFES ILYSM BABY

this literally happened a few days ago but i was super grumpy at school because mike called at 11pm on a tuesday night. we got super carried away with our convo and ended up talking until 5 fucking am, i barely even remember half the shit we did on that call

so i fell asleep in class, the science teacher loves me so she let me rest ( i love mrs. heller sm ) and i was just super snappy and unfocused for the entirety of the day, which was shit because i had voluntary work at the av club, and had to proofread some articles for stacy, and had a meeting with a few people for some science groupwork

i didn't even eat all that much because i took every opportunity to just lay my head on the lunch table and get some shut eye

on top of that i had to stay for an extra 40 mins at school because me and dorothea had to finalize and pass a project that was due on that day so that was just great

by 4:30 i was at home finally and was so ready to just shower and pass out, so i did ofc i got into my comfy strawberry pjs but when i got out of the shower, my mom called out to me and told me to go up to the attic. i was super grumpy about it but i just decided to go along with it and once i opened the latch, there was light

it's just me and my mother at home, and i knew that my mother was downstairs so when i smelled fresh food and saw a shadow being casted on the wall you know i was scared shitless. turns out it was just mikey waiting up there for me with my spare mattress and a bunch of pillows

i was salty at first tbh like "my frail, weak, tired body had to climb that god forsaken ladder, for this???" but he brought karen's red velvet cookies with him so i obviously couldn't be too mad for too long

and then we snuggled up near the window of the attic, a mix of the streetlights and the moonlight shining on the both of us, and he was talking to me in a hushed voice, but i can't remember most of it because i was literally half asleep at that point, plus his hand brushing through my hair was just so so so soothing :cc

though i do remember him being all like "'m sorry i kept you up so late this morning rosie, i shouldn't have been so careless with the time last night, especially since i know you're such a busy bee in the day" and he let out the cutest giggle "just missed you a lot.. sweet dreams"

mike wheeler is a menace and he causes me sm fucking problems but he makes up for it i guess :////

#⠀💭 ۫⠀love letters.⠀୨୧⠀· ˚ 𓈒 #fairy! #gigkfllekd #꒰⠀file : stranger things⠀꒱ #bike wheeler! #shifting #reality shifting #desired reality #shiftblr #mike wheeler #finn wolfhard #mike wheeler x reader #mike wheeler x you #mike wheeler stranger things #stranger things #stranger things x reader #stranger things x you #mike wheeler fluff #storytimes.

[ghooostbaby]

i feel like shouting into the void about an adhd discovery i have recently made.

i’ve mostly always been pretty dismissive of adhd “productivity” self help guides and tips, because of the way they seemed to pathologize my mind and enshrine neurotypical behaviour as the only reasonable way to behave. BUT the past few months, I’ve been very fortunate to live on an artist grant that funds all the essentials for living & studio costs for a year to work on a project, which is a dream right? BUT I COULD NOT DO IT. It was so upsetting and frustrating, no matter how hard I tried, I could not do the work that is all I’ve wanted to have the time and freedom to do for so long. All the obstacles I blamed before had been removed and I still could not see any progress.

I started learning about executive function & adhd, and that basically adhd people have a limited capacity for executive function and you can only do a task that requires executive function for so long before your energy store is depleted and then you have to do something that DOES NOT require executive functioning to let it restore itself. You can even do things to help restore faster, like eating or drinking things that keep your blood glucose levels up, or meditation (although I tried to do that for 2 minutes and I felt like my brain was dying. shen qiao is so powerful.) or SCROLL TUMBLR. Basically anything that fully rests your mind!

What I’d been doing was trying to do some task, that even though it’s art and what I want to do, still required executive functioning, and I would find myself spacing out, pacing, idk just anything but what I WANTED to do, and then keep trying to go back to the task I was supposed to do again and again, and fail again and again. Hours would go by, days would go by, and I’d maybe do 1-2 hours of work a day. That was the exact same amount I could manage when I had to go to job all day to pay my bills. So the last few days I’ve been taking a short break about every 30 mins or so, eating a lot of fruit/sweet drinks when I do, or walking around, going into my bedroom to rub my face on my cat for a few minutes, and oh my god. I’m able to work, I’ve been able to do so much!

What I realized I’ve done is internalize these neurotypical expectations of how we are supposed to work and force myself to keep at it despite my body screaming no. All my life I’ve had to work like that, everything took me a lot longer than everyone else but at least I could make up for it with working voraciously. A lot of the time I spent working would be spacing out, getting distracted, going on social media, so I had to remain “at work” longer to compensate. Now I realize I had maybe depleted all my executive function in the first hour, and then when I drifted off because my brain needed a break, I would punish myself by then dragging my limp, resistant body forward agonzingly for the next 11 hours. Now, when I find I’ve stopped doing whatever task I meant to do and have started scrolling tumblr AGAIN, I recognize that my brain has tapped out and I need to stop and rest for a few minutes.

Sometimes, before, when I would be doing something that wasn’t “on-task” that I knew I wasn’t supposed to be doing and I’d keep telling myself, in 10 minutes I’m going to go back to what I’m supposed to be doing (and usually plan to work even longer to make up for it), then the 10 minutes would pass, and sometimes hours would go by when I never got back to the task, just keep on wasting time, feeling horribly, really wanting to work on my art project and knowing that I needed to, but I could not make myself. There’s some subtle shift that happens when instead I notice I’m not doing what I am meant to, so I stop trying to do it and accept it is now time for a break, I’ve found if I do that, it’s relatively easy to go back to my work 5-20 minutes later.

I feel like a toddler, haha. maybe this is all stuff everyone knows. but when before I would spend hours trying to drag myself along trying to do something i really wanted to do but could NOT make myself do, now if I take ten minutes to eat some strawberries and pet my cat I actually find myself being able to be interested and motivated to do that thing I wanted to do. It’s amazing. I mean seriously the absolute WONDERS of snacks! And sparkling water with a little bit of lime! I had so many periods of time when I needed to finish a project and I would just be so infuriated by the inconvenience of having to eat and sleep. It’s been mind blowing to find that what I need is the exact opposite (exact opposite of trying to overpower my body's need for eating and sleeping i mean!). I have been really really hard on myself I realize, but it was always like, I didn’t have an option to be otherwise.

#POV: you are an innocent passerby in the path of an adhd person who has suddenly found out about snacks and rest #and also hydration #adhd #neurodivergence

[goodboytown]

Omg I forgot I followed you on Tumblr through your fics on ao3 and looking around your blog I saw you're writing a sequel!!!!! so I wanted to ask how is the chapter going? I'm the type of person that's incapable of concentrating on something for more than 30 mins so I'll always be grateful to artists and writers that put on the work. Can't wait to read the new chapter when you're done and thank you for sharing it!! 💕

thank you So much for being excited about my writing 🤧 it makes me so so happy 💖 i'm about 10K words in :) my posts are always so erratic bcos i'll spend two weeks writing, then two weeks drawing/doing commissions, then rinse and repeat.

this is a good time to announce that A Sobering Experience will be my last big fanfic for RAC :) i have other smaller incomplete stories i'll probably dabble in since i don't like leaving things unfinished, but i don't really have a good reason for calling ASE my last large-scale fic, it just feels right... ok, it might also be because im running out of ideas haha and i feel a shift coming

#anon/ask

[fizzingwizard]

Recently:

So at the end of last year (school term), my boss came to me and informed me that, this year, some classes would have only two teachers. I teach preschool - all our students are under 3. Our teacher-student ration is supposed to be 1:6. But when I took the job I was told that even if there were fewer than 12 students, we would still always have 3 teachers in a class.

This is CRITICAL because this job is designed around the idea that there will be one foreign teacher and two native speakers. There are way more tasks than can be done by just two people - and that’s WITHOUT factoring in actually supervising the children. Literally, you’d think as a Pre-K teacher, watching the kids would be Task #1, and it is, but only when something goes wrong and management needs someone to blame 😇 of course!! Then they’re all “The safety of the children should come before anything else!”

But any other time, they’re like, “Why haven’t you finished tasks 1-50? Also here are 20 more tasks we’re adding, on top of the additional 20 we gave you this time last quarter, because unless we’re constantly demanding more of you we feel that we as management are redundant 😇😇 you should easily be able to do all this in an 8 hour period with no breaks even though that’s illegal 😇😇😇”

and yeah we’re not getting breaks ^^ when do I sit down? Gee, if I have a 15 min chunk of “prep” and the person taking over my shift is a couple min late, meaning I actually have only 10 min and can’t do anything with it so I might as well just sit and stare at the wall.

By the way, it’s illegal. Our contracts say we get 1 hour prep, 1 hour break every day. It’s not a matter of “Sometimes things are tight and we can’t manage it.” It’s a matter of “Things are so tight EVERY DAY that we can NEVER manage it.” I got this amount of break only once: the beginning of 2020. But I never had it before and never after, and at this point we’re luck to even get 1 hour total which means it’s PREP time and not break time. We don’t even get lunch breaks: we eat with the kids. If you wanna wait till you’re off to eat, have fun eating lunch at 3:30.

Also we are responsible for cleaning the whole school every day, and when do we do that? During our... drum roll.... BREAK time! So now we are cleaning during PREP since we have no BREAK, meaning we have even LESS TIME to prep, meaning we prep during class time whenever we can, which we’re not supposed to do because 1) task no. 1 is watch the kids, and 2) it “looks bad to prospective parents visiting the school” OKAY, WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO DO IT. WHEN AM I SUPPOSED TO BUY, PREPARE, AND ORGANIZE THE MATERIALS FOR EACH OF OUR STUDENTS TO MAKE THEIR CRAFTS AND DO THEIR SENSORY PLAY. WHEN. WHEN. WHEN.

Also! They rounded us up to pick up the slack from ANOTHER SCHOOL which lost a teacher. So now me and my coworkers are taking turns doing an our overtime twice a week at a completely different school. We get paid for that hour at least, but alright, it’s too much to get into but basically it’s teaching a class with no format and no lesson plan at all. Weird enough if you’re the one in charge, but with that divided up among four different teachers it’s like... seriously just cancel the class until a new teacher can be found. If you don’t have a sub and have to foist it on a totally different school which is already full of overworked, understaffed teachers, CANCEL IT. Are the students learning anything?? I have no idea. I am sure that I’ll get an earful from management if they complain though!

Why doesn’t the school cancel it? THEY DON’T WANT TO REFUND THE PARENTS OF COURSE. They don’t want to refund them for the class where their kids aren’t learning anything, because the teachers 1) weren’t trained to teach them, 2) have more than enough of their own shit to do (I already teach multiple classes at my own school and don’t have enough time  to prep for those!) and 3) are used to teaching 2 year olds, NOT 10 YEAR OLDS.

Anyway! I’m ranting about that 2 teacher thing. Because when my boss told me, at the end of the year, I said, “I don’t want that. Don’t put me in a class with only 2 teachers.” Of course I don’t have the clout to demand it, but because I teach 2-3s, that means I already knew more or less how many kids I’d have because of the number of kids in the 1-2s class. So I did end up getting 3 teachers because of the 1:6 ratio: we are over 12 kids and here it is illegal to have fewer than 3 teachers in that situation.

But the 1-2s had no such guarantee because it was all dependent on how many students signed up, which management can of course control. So they started the year with less than 12 kids and just 2 teachers. In terms of ratio it’s fine. Let me tell you. Pre-K teacher-student ratios are STUPID. Out of this galaxy stupid! These teachers have worked so hard, picked up so much slack, again with no breaks!!! They really, really care about their kids and go above and beyond to the point that we have had very few incidents (child injuries etc) and nothing major. (We are also rather lucky in this year’s group bc normally we have kids who bite and hit but for some reason this year we don’t have any aggressive types. But that is just a fluke, a fluke we’re very grateful for!! but it’s totally typical of this age for some kids to bite and scratch bc they can’t talk and communicate in any other way.)

So they care and work so hard and management just keeps adding new students. And these kids are YOUNG and need everything done for them. My kids are 2-3, a little more independent, and even WE struggle. We have 3 teachers like I said, but because of the crazy situation, one of us is often sent away to help the 1-2s, so I have taught a lot this year with just 2 teachers like I told my boss I did NOT want to happen. It is STRESSFUL. We have TOO MUCH to do. If our tasks during the day were decreased, so that we could let one teacher watch the kids and one teacher take care of classroom tasks, then I wouldn’t care so much. But despite the number of teachers decreasing, the task load has only gone UP. It is IMPOSSIBLE to watch the kids and get everything done.

In the beginning of the year I had three kids with issues. One was out of control due to a very difficult family situation. This kid had zero stability and the only thing he wanted to do was run around and bash into things. Toys didn’t interest him, books didn’t interest him, I’m not even sure if cartoons could keep his attention because it just wasn’t there. He needed a teacher with him all the time.

Kid number two is the easiest because he is only difficult when he has tantrums. If you can calm him down, he’s alright. His problem is that he needs everything to be THIS WAY and canNOT handle it being THAT WAY. Which in a room with 13 other kids who all have differing needs is NOT doable, but he is two and can’t be expected to understand that. He used to run as well, but he has since grown used to us and our routine and gotten better. Currently he’s regressed though and we’re dealing with that all over again.

Kid number three was HUGE for a two year old and AGGRESSIVE. He attacked any other kid provoked or not (he imagined they were provoking him by existing nearby, basically). I am not exaggerating at all when I say he would try to attack another child, or sometimes a teacher, every five minutes. He 100% needed a teacher with him simply to calm him down and prevent him from hurting people.

So. Three teachers, 14 kids (last year, btw, we had 18! 😇). Two kids who need one teacher’s full attention 100% of the time, one kid who needs a teacher’s full attention half of the time - and 11 other kids who, while normally doing okay, are also only 2-3 and have 2-3 yo needs and get tired and cranky and need hugs and help learning how to share toys...

HOW WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO IT?? And if WE couldn’t do it, how are the two teachers with the 1-2 yos supposed to even begin to do it?

And on top of that: all those classroom tasks I mentioned! Who’s going to do THEM?

Do you know how my class got by? Well, kid one and kid three ending up LEAVING THE SCHOOL! That’s how! Kid one left for home reasons. Like I said, his home situation was awful and all I can do is pray that things got better thanks to this change. He was very difficult for us to handle, but we would never blame him or any child for that. It was obviously the result of having no home stability. (To be clear, we never suspected abuse of any kind. The circumstances were more out of people’s hands. Deaths in the family etc and the kid being sent from one relative to the other and custody battles. Of course if we suspected abuse we wouldn’t have said nothing.) So we are sad to lose him and hope he goes on to a wonderful life. But, yes, the class is much easier without him.

And kid number three left because, when we tried to talk about ways to help him deal with his constant aggressive behavior with his parents, they flipped out. At first they seemed receptive, but you know, parents are very sensitive and feel that any discussion of their child’s behavior is us pointing our finger at them and saying they’re bad parents. Mom took the kid to a specialist who said that he has a delay of some sort, but he’s too young to say what it is specifically, and that all we can do is what we are already doing (watching him like a hawk). Mom tried to work with us, but then dad got involved, and suddenly both parents didn’t like anything the specialist said and didn’t want anything to do with us. When the situation in our class didn’t change (amazing how doing nothing leads to... nothing!), they decided to switch their kid to another school. Well, all the best to him. We have not heard boo from them since. My class calmed down SIGNIFICANTLY as a result of this kid leaving because before, we never had time to focus on any of the other kids. It was always simply “Watch Kid 3, watch kid 3, negotiate with kid 3, take kid 3 outside to calm down, give kid 3 as much special attention as possible because  the minute you even look at other child he will start attacking someone.” I told my adviser I felt like I didn’t even know who the other kids in my class were.

So my class is doing as well as it is because we sometimes have 3 teachers and we no longer have 2 out of our 3 difficult students. If we still had all three of those kids, what would things be like now?

Because here’s what’s going on: those 1-2 yo classes with two teachers each? Well, one of them had a teacher who constantly called out sick. At first it was a few times a month. Then it was at least once a week. Then it got to a point where she was only showing up maybe two days each week. It’s medical circumstances so I don’t know the details. I don’t doubt that she’s sick or blame her for needing time to recover. That is life, getting sick isn’t anyone’s fault, and it’s impossible to do our very physical, on your feet all day, no down time at all job if you’re in constant pain. The problem isn’t the sick teacher: the problem is the management WHICH DID NOTHING TO REPLACE HER. NO-THING.

Instead of sending a sub when she was out, or negotiating for her to stay home long term and give us a long term sub in her classroom, management did NOTHING and let US, the already critically overworked staff with no breaks, who area already picking up slack for that other school, pick up the slack for this teacher as well. Me and my coworkers were just rotating days leaving our own classes to take care of hers. (So I didn’t have 3 teachers most of the time, is the effect.) Sometimes you’ve have Teacher A help for one hour, then Teacher B for 30 min, then teacher C... or maybe an admin with no teacher training!

That class has one other teacher who’s been with them all year, and she is a saint in my eyes, because she has basically had to do EVERYTHING: all the craft prep, all the activity planning, all the communication with parents. It’s ALL on her. The sick teacher wasn’t in enough to help, and subs can’t take over those things. She finally, FINALLY broke down about it last week. I told my leader, if it were me, I’d have broken down months ago.

Management’s response? Well, her class is FINALLY getting that sub... except, they don’t have a sub, for some reason. IDK why, other schools do! In fact, one sub’s home base IS our school, and yet instead of letting her stay here, they send her to other schools... IDK man I really don’t know!!! So since there are no subs, two teachers are tagteaming to help this class. At least it’s no longer one of us, but it’s still far from ideal, because the regular class teacher still has do all the prep herself. But at least she’s getting slightly more consistent help??

And THEN. Here is where things really fall apart.

Remember we started this year with 2 teachers fewer than usual. Now, the sick teacher is not coming at all anymore until she recovers, which is expected to take months. So that’s minus one more. Then one of my coworkers got covid, so she has no choice but to quarantine for 10 days. We have one new teacher in the second 1-2 yo room, but that’s because they now have 15 students, many of whom are new and need tons and tons and tons of help. We have the sub in the other room, but sometimes they only stay for actual class time, ie, not morning or after care, so we can’t rely on their help during those times.

So basically this week we are down FOUR TEACHERS. Plus - before any of this happen there were teachers who requested to take this Friday off. It’s a popular time to use PTO because today, Thurs, is a national holiday. They requested this day before any of this shit hit the fan and were given permission. So actually. Guess what. We are down not four... but SEVEN TEACHERS tomorrow. And guess what else... we can’t make the 1:6 ratio no matter how hard we try!!!

We are getting some help from another school... or we WERE... because at least one of THOSE teachers coming to help just came down with covid and can no longer come! X’D hit me with a hammer!!!!! please!!!!

Not only did we spend this week trading teachers from room to room like we have been all year, but I have to keep sending my own students to other classrooms just to make ratio. I HATE doing it. We try to only send kids who won’t have trouble adjusting. Some kids feel separation anxiety or maybe that being sent to another class is a punishment, so we never force any kid to leave. There’s usually a kid who is very easygoing and will just see it as a fun field trip. That’s the kid we send. But it still sucks, just personally for me because I like my class and love all my kids and want them together.

But more relevantly, it sucks because we’re in a situation this Friday where like I said, we don’t have enough help, so kids in MULTIPLE CLASSES will be playing musical classrooms just to make ratio. It’s bad enough when just one kid has to move to another room. Multiple is a recipe for a disaster. All my childcare instincts are against it. When you shake things up like this, especially in an environment like ours where routine is what keeps things going, you are taking MASSIVE RISKS with child safety. We all know about the kids with allergies or medical issues in each class - but of course the classroom teacher naturally has the most PRESENT knowledge about their own students. It is dangerous to be sending kids around to different rooms and switching things up - we had a situation once where there were kids in the room who weren’t usually and therefore weren’t on the snack checklist - meaning we could easily have given snack to a child with an allergy to the snack! Of course we noticed and got it sorted before giving the kids food. But imagine if we were all new teachers just learning the ropes. And even with us being experienced, this meant our timing was backed up 10 min... and we DO NOT HAVE WIGGLE ROOM.

Why don’t Pre-K classes have built in wiggle room, you ask? SEARCH ME. Seems to me to be an obvious necessity when kids are this young, needy, and unpredictable... but I guess nope!

And allergies/dangers aside. It’s so much easier to misplace a water bottle, a kid’s bag, or accidentally send two kids home wearing each other’s pants, or any of the myriad other situations that occasionally happen even when things are relatively normal just because teachers are tired or communication broke down etc. Now you want to throw everything in the blender as well. That kind of things is WAY more likely to happen if you do that.

And bottom line. This year we have had very few incidents. Not even sending kids home in each other’s pants :P Do you know why? It’s because my coworker are rock stars. Even the new ones have been exceptionally hard workers for being new. We all care so, so much about these kids and want them to feel none of the stress that their teachers are in. Why do I keep at this job despite everything? I seriously love my kids and I enjoy what I do. I don’t expect perfection, I know most every job has annoying management and an overload of tasks - that’s one reason I don’t try to switch bc I imagine I’ll have a lot of the same but minus the hugs from my kids and getting to do adorable crafts with them. That being said, it has gotten unreasonable. There’s expecting too much of people and then there’s expecting the impossible. I can’t even cover the required material in my lesson plan. I don’t have time. I don’t have money because they cut our stipend for materials. I don’t have anything. Actually, this year in particular, we’ve been short on: diapers, disinfectant, wet wipes, paper towels, EVEN BOTTLED WATER. i don’t know the reason. It’s just been that way all year. It may have to do with our new school manager, who is nice, but new, and basically learning by trial by fire. I feel bad for her. I like her but yeah, having a brand new school manager has not helped the disaster that is this entire year.

But what I mean to say is we are only doing as well as we are because we are working our asses off and helping each other and doing our best to stay positive. There have been a couple tiffs between teachers especially recently. I told my coworker, it’s not because the teachers are unreasonable, it’s because they have been under so much stress that they’re finally blowing their lids. That’s why this happened. Because I know all these people and have seen them in stressful situations before and they don’t lose it. They don’t argue. We figure it out. This is not a pattern of getting angry, it’s an exception. Exceptions should be noted AS AN EXCEPTION. What caused it? Shitty policies, reduction of resources and staff, no one listening to us asking for help. So we end up with no one to rely on but each other - but we’re all only human and can only do so much and can only take so much.

What I don’t understand is why we can’t do the obvious to fix things. At least it seems obvious to me! First, stop taking new students. Yeah, the school needs money, I get it, fuck off. The school should have planned better. Also neither us teachers nor our students are seeing any of that money. So no more new kids. Two, we should have fewer tasks during the day. Anything that isn’t essential should be cut for now. We can bring it back some day when we have a full staff. That should mean 1-2s don’t need to “gargle” after lunch (Idk but Japan is obsessed with gargling. It is the key to Never Ever Getting Sick. Well, our kids still get sick plenty, and also they manly just drink the sink water. Idk how a 1 yo is supposed to gargle.) If the 1 yo teachers didn’t have to bring them all two by two to gargle, that would free up so much time for them after lunch. I would like do to the same with me 2-3s, but they are also potty training, so I do have to bring them to the bathroom anyway, so they might as well gargle and brush teeth while they’re waiting for the other kids. Three: less paperwork. Yeah, like management will ever agree to that lol! But seriously, enough with the bilingual newsletters and emails and posters and all the other things we have to do constantly and get translated and then proof-read and then signed off before we can post them. They take so, so much time and we only have so many computers (they used to be SUPER SLOW but this year got replaced by new ones that are fast which THANK HEAVEN FOR THAT.) Other things: we don’t need to do all the cleaning we do every day. Mop the floor should be once a week. Gathering garbage: each class should gather its own and garbage duty should be divided so two teachers can do it in half the time.

Admittedly these changes wouldn’t help all that much, but they’d be something. Since we don’t have enough people, that means we are doing each other’s cleaning on top of our own too. Which means even less prep/break time. Basically, it means that the schedule might say you have 1 hour and 15 min non-consecutive break/prep time, but since you spend 30 min cleaning, it’s actually only 45 min.

like my dude, I don’t sit down between 7:30-3 pm most days these days. I’m up and down and standing and squatting and running and carrying kids and going up and down stairs and carrying lunch and cleaning up and mopping and chasing the escaped 1 yo down the hall and getting punched in the nose by a kid throwing a tantrum (one threw my glasses across the floor the other day lol) but I am NOT sitting even for five min.

And I still have a better situation than some of my coworkers.

I can’t even express the level of exhaustion right now. We just got told that we will be able to say what we want to management at the end of November. Well, I’ll say something, fat lot of good it will do. More likely I’ll be seen as someone who can’t cooperate with others and a complainer. Like I don’t bite my tongue and cooperate over and beyond every single day.

Every year I wonder if this will be my last year at this job, but there are so many factors to consider. The main one is, if I leave this job, but want to stay in Japan, where will I go? Because I can’t do eikaiwa again. I fucking hated it. And I don’t want to be an ALT again. After having my own class, I can’t imagine teaching in any other way, but especially not as an assistant to someone else, unless we were very, VERY collaborative and not restricted to lessons in some crappy English textbook.

My thought is my only option will be to go back to school and get a Master’s so I can teach elementary school here. By the way, what is a bachelor’s degree for? Seems to be worth literally nothing. You should skip bachelor’s and go straight to Master’s these days, lmao. But I just paid off my debt from undergrad and am very, very loathe to take on more when I have so little in savings. Like, my savings suck. I have saved up more by Not Going Home To The US, but uh, I would like to see my family again some day, you know?

also the yen freaking tanked so right now if I told you what my salary is in US money... you’d be like “go make more at mcdonalds” bahahaha

well I’m glad I ranted here so my poor boyfriend will hopefully not have to put up with it. He’s so nice and always listens but boy can I talk when I get started, especially when I’m this frustrated. So I feel bad doing it. Same thing when I call my mom. But I’m so like, I just can’t deal with it all by myself, I gotta tell someone, but I feel like they’re probably annoyed just hearing about how tough things are. Things are tough for everyone, Fizz.

There are good things too, though, so I’m gonna rant here and try to be more upbeat on phone calls.

Just gotta get through November and then I have a break. It’s a terribly, terribly busy November and I cry just thinking of it. But yeah. Then there’s a good long break till January. I’m going to do so much sleeping x’D

#fizz's life #ranting about work long and boring

[whentherewerebicycles]

well we’ve discovered a fun part of living very close to the water in the PNW: the ferry foghorn starts sounding regularly at 5am on foggy days 😂 it’s not bad at all with the windows closed but I had them wide open last night and I was blearily like oh my god is there a semi truck stuck outside the house or something what the hell!! everyone was a leeettle cranky about it and ruthie decided that 5am foghorn = time for BREAKFAST but we have persevered. I’m slowly shifting my work start time earlier after letting it slip a bit during liz’s visit… got up at 6:40 and logged in at 7 today, and will keep trying to get back to 6am wakeup and 6:20 start time so I can be done super early. I also bought a hairdryer + diffuser finally and am hoping it will be a little bit lifechanging… it adds a bit more hands-on getting ready time to my morning routine but also means I can shower and be ready to log on with mostly dry hair within 30 min or so, whereas before I needed an hour or so to not show up with sopping wet hair. mmm okay. I just finished up a couple things from yesterday’s project and now have a little break till my meeting at 9:30. let’s think about the day:

foghorn foghorn foghorn

up at 6:40

finish LF project

coffee/lounge 7:45-8

8-8:30 shower, get ready

8:30-9:30 edit podcast and FINISH REVISING SECURITY FORMS

9:30-10 AS mtg

10-11:30 work on projects or leave feedback on ML essays… also start dishwasher, fold laundry, move sofa and desk back

11:30-12:30 N mtg

12:30-1 put dogs away and walk to clinic (take MC keys so I can mail)

1-2 dr appt

2-6 clean kitchen, empty dishwasher, change sheets and towels, vacuum upstairs, wipe down bathroom counters, clorox toilet, take out trash and recycling, podcast editing

6ish leave to pick up KC at 7

friend time!!!

[tintedglasses]

happy moments 7.26.22

i got through another doctors appt and now have another on Friday. it’s be overwhelming to have so many and i have at least 4 in my nearish future in addition to therapy but im taking care of myself and im proud of that

i woke up early again today, wooooo.

i made the decision to skip my work meeting today in order to do other work that i needed to shift from Friday because I don’t know how ill be feeling on Friday and I was definitely about to spiral into not doing work which would have made me feel really bad about myself but I saved it! and I got two of my three essays completely done which honestly is much better than I thought I’d do! and now I just have to crank out the last one before Monday and I think it’ll take like 30-45 mins

i think I’m getting closer to some of the people on my kickball team and really starting to settle into an actual friendship with them and that feels good

[image description: this picture is taken from under the covers on a bed. my leg is propping up the covers to show that my cat is sitting beneath them. he is peaking out from the edge of the covers and has a curious look on his face. end ID.]

#happy moments

[chococats]

muv luv alternative reflect

start date: 2/12/24

end date: 4/14/24

~~~ spoilers 👻 ~~~

first thought on the story: before i even started i was so ready like i told everyone n their mamas abt how i was going to start this epic 😐. i was expecting A LOT bc not only is it regarded so highly by vn fans but also bc it left me with a slew of questions from the first game.. likee what was the relation of kasumi and sumika? was takeru going to fr survive this n if he DID is he going to go back to his original world? WHAT made him shift into this fucket up world in the first place? WHAT exactly are the BETA and why are they doing thissss😭😭 AND! IS takeru destined to suffer forever? Why?!

But now that ive finished it all.. wtf 😭 its honestly genius. a narrative that uses its medium and genre in the fullest sense!!! despite some of its outdatedness + my frustration with the protag the STORY TELLING is what kept me going. from the themes to the characters to the world building it was all so well done 😭 and its done in a way where it is satisfying to follow especially if you like to puzzle n piece things together. what interested me the most tho was the world building!! AND HOW IT ALL MAKES SENSE.. the game took all of the cliches and mechanics it represented as a dating sim n flipped them all in its favor to tell a crazy epic cohesive multi dimensional scifi tale.. WTF.

as a novel and a game it did its job beautifully.. AND even tho SOME arcs PISSED ME OFF n SOME scenes left me scowling at what i was dealing with (bc My god,! You will deal with the shit!) i kept coming back with genuine intrigue humm

my first initial thought once i was done was 'that was a LOT' bc My goodness what a fckin rollercoaster.. ONE that seemed to only plummet DOWN. As for my second thought..? 'at least we overcame.' and u know what. So true. To this i say Congratulations âge. I was unfamiliar with ur game.

prediction of the end: i honestly did not know what to expect for the end i just wanted my questions answered LOL! but when i got there it left me feeling both hollow and full.. it was heartbreaking..! BUT also cathartic?! cuz i cried like a bitch. bc. My gosh 😭😭😭😭😭😭 its some serious whiplash stored in those last 2ish hours in the game. it was worth seeing all of it tie together tho bc in the end it left u with a glimmer of hope for the future.. even though it is so so dim, its still there.. which was the kind of ending i need during these times

PLUS they played this song at the end like why would u do that. shit had me bawling fr. we used to be so happy hearing this. now it is a bit bittersweet and nostalgic.. like a memory

what scared you most: the capabilities of the BETA most definitely r u kidding me. every single battle seemed more n more hopeless 😭 every step that was taken to help humanity had high stakes. there was no way anything was going to be done without irreparable damage n loss. it constantly felt like a losing battle watching humanity try to survive and still have the heart to fight. but what TRULY disturbed me was sumikas relationship with the BETA and how they decided to tackle it. THAT shit had me pause the game for a hot min bcuz seriously? HONESTLY? it was overkill. beating a dead horse😭 they did not have to show me all of that N whats worse is that they HAD to drag it out. LIKE WE GET IT. WE GOT IT BEFORE IT WAS EVEN FULLY REVEALED WITH CONTEXT CLUES.. U did not have to dedicate a whole 30/45 mins revisiting her trauma in such detail 😭😭😭 so unnecessary my god.

even though the BETA are (by far) one of the most terrifying enemies that ive encountered in a story i want to know more about them.. the ending of alternative mightve answered most of my questions but it also left me having more bc its interesting on how the BETA operate. but there is also like an infinite amount of them i dont even know how anyon could keep up with that.. truly humanity has it BAD.

favorite character(s): meiya = sumika > kasumi = yuuko > ayamine >>>> the rest of the queens in the valkyrie squad (including marimo. excluding kashiwagi) >> tsukoyomi > takeru >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> kashiwagi.

i straight up i do not like kashiwagi LMFAOOO like i do not like her yall..

anyone else not listed i just didnt gaf..

meiya and kasumi rlly shined in alternative for me tho <3

of course so did sumika but thats bcuz i was always biased towards her LOL. however she didnt leave a huge impression on me in this story when it came to the romance between her n takeru which is crazy bc in extra i was full #teamsumika. cuz takeru n sumika been living side by side since childhood n now this random girl (meiya) shows up n she doesnt even explain her relation to takeru but she declared that shes going to marry him like fr who are u?! BUT! even tho i was team sumika, in the end (when truths were fully revealed), my feelings were a bit swayed towards meiyas favor!

its interesting bc in alternative it was like meiya n sumika switched places bc i was more partial to wanting meiya to be with takeru for the majority of the story (!) which is so funny considering how ride n die i was for sumika at the very beginning.. of course id rather have takeru have no baes at all bcuz his character is just so inconceivably dense at times (#TakeruOUT) but i felt that their relationship had more sustenance.. i believe its because meiya and sumika flipped roles where sumika is now the random 'newcomer' instead of meiya. n also bc i spent more time with meiya in unlimited.. BUT just like how i was with meiya in extra, in alternative when truths were once again revealed at the end my feelings were swayed towards sumikas favor LMFAOO

its just tht they are both so well written and humane and so so sweet and deserving. i really love them both therefore i have decided that there is no more #TEAMSUMIKA or #TEAMMEIYA anymore. ive ended the civil war. they are both equally beautiful and i want them to be best friends forever!

AS for the protagonist. Takeru. my god man 😭 talk about change. he STILL was so ridiculous at times but even then he STILL managed to mature. proof that anythings possible. I guess. And after spending over like 60 smthing hours with him n experiencing his crazy ass situation i have been able to witness and appreciate his growth ... U know what takeru. U alright............................... I guess

favorite quote: I dont even know if i have a favorite quote there was so much covered and so many great quotes in this.. if i HAD to pick tho its probably this awesome reminder:

instead of memorizing quotes im thinking of moments.. like when kasumi and sumika speak about their connection.. or when captain isumi gave takeru that pep talk before operation 21st.. OR WHEN sumika told takeru that in every universe she loves him and him saying that he feels likewise.. kyaa.. and u KNOW they MEANT THAT SHIT THRU AND THRU! its beautiful. im still praying for her tho.

rating for the whole book: despite all that it put me through this story left me a lot of food for thought. some moments moved me in ways so honest that it left me speechless while also giving me questions in its wake.. it took me a while to finish bc it had me stop n think about life and CHOICE multiple times in the realest sense omfg. it had me think of the serious unruliness of life n how do we navigate it when the universe decides to do whatverr the fuck it wants to do.. how much of our fate can we really control... AND when all seems hopeless how do we manage to find the will to continue on.. !? it all varies from person to person but ist deep shit. Very inspiring.. AND bc of how satisfying n thought provoking it was im giving it a 5/5. OKAYY

i def plan on revisiting the trilogy in the future and see if my first thoughts still ring true.. i also will be on the look out for details and hints when i comb thru it all again. but this first read was worth it and now that i finished i kinda feel empty LMFAO. i wish for more people to read it n talk about it so i can get on my soapbox n pick it apart. 🤦‍♂️

⭑⭑⭑⭑⭑

#l #r #muv luv

[thealienmoth]

Accumulated nightshift notes:

-wait till client 🕺 is back from concert to tuck in to bed

-is 30 minutes late, panic about him possibly having had a seizure😱

-check if everyone is still breathing 💁 (yass✨)

-pondering life😶‍🌫️

-text boyfriend 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

-call happened, client 🕺 is downstairs and needs the lift opened

-15 min later client in bed and sleeping [00:10]

-play some Minecraft (was killed once by a bitch ass creeper, also had to Google what the fuck to feed an alpaca) [1:30]

-first wave of sleepy, off my ass I go to clean the flat [2:00]🥱

-listening to horror podcasts when alone, in a nightshift, with a flat full of snoring, breathing people and also very wind sensitiv windows...was not my brightest moment😳

-doodle the boyfriend 🥰 a Widget about said horror podcasts horroring

-watch some tiktoks for distraction and wakey time

-have now seen someone speak in an Elmo voice and really want to try to learn doing that🤔

-try to do so quietly🤫, fail. Put it on my "want to learn in life" list

-crossed Elmo voice off my life learn list, remembered that I have Tourettes, so while it would make the whole thing funnier, it would also probably get unbearably annoying quickly

-breathing check in 🫁(still yes, snoring even)

-quietly prep things for the morning, decide to fold some napkins for a little surprise for the clients at breakfast 😌[3:00]

-eating some snacks

-client 🫅🏼 comes out her room looking for the toilet

-show her where the toilet is, wait timee

-put her back to bed

-repeat 3 times

-girl stay in bed you went pee 3 minutes ago, your bladder is full of dust more so then urine

-next client 👏🏼comes out of his room, on his way to the restroom, also asking if he can go smoke, sir first of all it's 3:30 in the morning, second of all ..why is your underwear at your ankles

-off to bed he goes

-and comes out every next hour asking if he can smoke one

-no sir, 7:00 is earliest and you know it, and no coffee is not done yet either

Next night shift!

-by 21:30 finally everyone in bed 👌

-pray a thank you to 🫅🏼's cold meds, cus they make her sleepy

-literally I think the second time I had a pleasant bringing her to bed experience and I thank the Lord's (&ladies ofc)

-everyone got their last meds so if nothing happens this could very well be the last client interaction before 1am rolls around

-time for some social media 😌

-played some pokemon (fuck yeah bug type pokemon make me giggle and kick my feet)

-1am ish client needs to go to the toilet, suddenly very weird gate, asks to hold on to me 😳 worry worry worry

-bum wiped and he is off to bed 👌

-next one! It's time for 1am continence check

-jup looks good, semi full, changed, ✅

-cleaning 😌 girl bossing around the flat (cleaning the medication drawers and kitchen)

-quietly prepping for the morning

-closing the windows in another clients room, cus she likes sleeping with them open but doesn't like getting up in the morning when it's cold

(notes end here, got busy)

#nightshift #carer #actually disabled #occupational therapist

[dontaskmeagain]

i texted him to talk, he called like 45 min later and i just explained how i didnt remove him off snap to be mean, i just rlly needed to for like the sake of not constantly checking my phone because that was our main form of communication and he said he completely understands and is not mad at it. he caught me up on his day and everything and so did i. I told him i picked up 3 shifts today so wed night, thur fri mornings and i was already working sat night and sunday morning. So today he had his 8 am then at 2 when to the library to study work on labs rewatch lectures for 10/15 q's done for his python class then 6:30 left to go to his self defense class then went home like 9 and started his rowing piece which was 4 sets of 12 min rowing w like 2 min break in between, so that why he took a while to call me cause i texted him like 9:55 and he called like 10:40. still doesnt know if he's gonna be on a boat for a race this weekend in newport cause his dad wants to know if he should fly out to santa ana for the night to watch him row, cause could be his last race to watch him because he cant make it to the two other major races. but he's got sat and sunday off and isnt gonna go to a fire thing so he'll be there regardless if he's racing. but yeah i told him that not texting today was good cause it helped me see things more clear and that as much as i want a relationship, i know its not the best time right now cause i need to focus on school work and finding an internship and basically get my life together lol i wonder if he smiled at that. and i asked him what was his idea on the frequency of us talking/texting and he said whatever is comfortable for me, could be less, could be as much as i want. So i said that checking in once in a while would be good, and i said that maybe not texting all day everyday like we were before. because i kinda liked not texting all day today. i realized i lost myself trying to prioritize our relationship i started to fall off on everything else. but it was a good talk and i wonder when he's gonna text me first.

[abishekmuses]

The Power Of The Streak

I started doing yoga in 2021. That was kind of an inflection point in my life — I had just left a pretty dark and consuming chapter of my life behind and had just moved back home from Europe, where I’d spent the last 10 odd years of my life. 

I was 27 and felt like I’d pretty much pissed the better part of my 20s down the drain. I was pretty anxious at a baseline level and wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be 33 or 38 and feel the same pangs of regret. 

So, inspired by the atomic habits school of thought, i decided to embrace micro habits and make sure I stick to them every day, without expecting any results in the short term. I started with exercising and stuck with it for a good amount of time before the second wave of Covid hit. 

It was around this time — say late April to May 2021, that I got initiated into Kriya Yoga — I had dabbled quite a bit in youtube spirituality by that point and was itching to do something practical — i.e real — to advance my spiritual journey. Watching videos, reading books, ingesting substances and endlessly pontificating just wasn’t cutting it. So, I got initiated and committed to doing the practice every day no matter what. I’d never done anything that consistently before in my life. NEVER. 

I figured — I already know this is going to be good for me. It can only make me better. And it’s just 30–35 mins a day. If I can’t invest that much time towards feeling better and improving my experience of life, then, what am I really doing here? There was no way I was going to let my lesser instincts get the better of me against that foolproof, airtight logic. 

Or so I thought. 

It was bloody brutal! We were meant to do the practice twice a day for the first 48 days after initiation (what’s called a mandala in yoga) and then at least once a day for 6 months. The first few days were terrible! I realised just how messy and out of order I was internally. Keeping myself accountable enough to get done with the practice twice a day on an empty stomach with at least 4 hours between each session, and keeping this on with work and other commitments just exposed the extent of my internal chaos and disorder. 

I was insanely stressed and fell sick multiple times in those 48 days. Anyway, I somehow got around to maintaining the streak. I maintained it for more than a year and a half. Sometimes, I would rush through the practice and not really give it my full attention but I nevertheless kept my streak up, for what that was worth. 

Slowly but surely, I saw changes. Infinitesimal almost. But i did see them. My anxiety levels came down gradually. There were still bad days. But there were days when I was just able to wake up and get through the day without the dread taking hold of me. 

It’s coming up to three years now and I’m still doing the practice. I’ve missed a few sessions here and there but keeping the streak intact for the first year and half meant that I never really fell off the horse after that — even when I gave the practice up for a few days here and there. 

That set off a chain of changes in my life. It’s not like I saw my life improving in real-time. There was still a lot of struggle and angst. But, now, looking back, I see that the shift started there — with the commitment to doing the practice every day. 

Now, I’m a big believer in the power of the streak. I’ve completed a number of streaks after that. But the one that started it all was the kriya streak. Now, my life looks very different. Not so much in terms of the externals — but in terms of my experience of life. I feel a lot more pleasant on a regular basis. I can handle emotional upheavals with a lot more grace and ease. My brain function is sharper — I feel less foggy and am able to recollect thoughts, conversations, tasks and facts much more easily. My anxiety levels are way lower. I still struggled with habits like compulsive sexuality, smoking etc for a while but they’ve settled down to a huge extent now. 

Now, I do many more practices on top of that one on a daily basis. It’s insane how much of a change it makes to just commit to doing one thing for a few minutes a day, every day for a couple of years. 

A few years ago, I would not have dreamt of this kind of thing — I would have dismissed a post like this. But today, having seen the results first hand, it’s hard to argue with it. But it still seems baffling though — hard to believe almost. Our brains are so fried with instant dopamine thrills that it’s hard to wrap our heads around the idea of compounding results over a period of time resulting from small, daily actions. 

Well, there you go!

#yoga #self improvement #habits #transformation #spirituality #spiritualgrowth #kriya yoga

[diariesofapisces]

Hell Week Anniversary.

You know how I look to reflect on Shit and today I would like to go back to I would say the darkest time of my freshman year. It all started on February 15th when I finally got a preroll and a battery for my cart. This meant that I finally could smoke weed as much as I wanted. I felt so manic and I literally took a million videos and photos about it. After I got that battery I went insane and greened out really bad hours after I got it. I woke up the next day on the 16th and forgot how much I smoked the night before. I did a wake-and-bake before even eating with very little sleep the night before. Of course, we all know that I greened out again but this time in the line to Starbucks. I literally could not stand and I had to sit down for about 10 min. I stumbled back to my dorm without my Starbucks and I had to miss class because I was so weak and high. When I filmed a video describing the event I looked pale and so weak. As I said in my videos I smoked in the evening because I had nothing better to do. The 17th wasn't very eventful because of a horrible work shift but I knew that Spencer was going to flake out on smoking with me which stressed me out. Also, I was upset because I was supposed to go to Tucson for Shelby and Morgans's birthday party but my mom couldn't get me down there. I was super upset about this and got a joint just to smoke with Spencer. The next day, the 18th, was tragic. I thought the last time I smoked with Spencer was bad. I texted him at like 2 to see if we still had plans and he didn't respond till 6:30 that he couldn't hang out. I spent the whole day stressed about whether he was going to cancel or not and I couldn't do anything more with my time than smoke and make ranting videos. That night I said I was done with him. Spoiler I wasn't. After that day I started keeping count of how many days I had no contact with him, I made it to 4 days. On the 21st I made a tik tok depicting just how I felt, it's super fucking depressing. From then until the 23rd I was keeping the delusion that he was going to miss me and reach out in my mind, and also the one where I could go without him. The 23rd is a day I will never forget. Let me paint the picture. Spencer had invited us to go see this stupid comedian and I didn't go becuase I didn't want to waste my money. However, I did decide to hang out with them after the show ended so at 11. I didn't really want to go but I was desperate to see him and to B do something with my time. So of course I make tiktoks to pass the time and I go. And guess what happened. I was triggered by the fact then he didn't really pay attention to me and she left me to go hang out with his other friends. After he left shit hit the fan. That really fucking triggered me so I decided it would be fun to take 10 shots of the shittiest vodaka ever. I encouraged everyone to give each other hickeys and make out and stuff which led to three of my friends having a threesome. I and Gib were sitting outside the room that was happening and I was complaining about Spencer. After that, I impulsively offered up my joint and we all went outside to smoke that. After that, Gib went home becuase it was 2:30 in the morning but me and three other girls decided to keep going. During the next two hours, we all decided to drink more and make out. I decided to go for a girl I didn't know as well because there was no way I was gonna do anything with Shi or Larissa. So on the 24th, I ended up having a semi-orgy with my friends and I ate out with that girl. It was funny becuase I was doing great until I rolled over and passed out. I was still helping tho. Then after a bit, I crawled to the bathroom threw up, and passed out again. At five am I stumbled back to my room and took a nap. I woke up on the 24th and in the afternoon Spencer took me to Joan's. The night before I asked him to take me and he reluctantly agreed. I ended up having to pay him 20$ to take me to my disappointment we didn't hang out after. He just said she you around and let me know if you want to smoke.