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sinfulspencer · 3 years

Text

All of me.

Prompt: Spencer and Y/N go to Rossi’s wedding together; he realises she's his soulmate. It's based on this request: “could u please write something with 22, 24 and 26 from the fluff prompt list u reblogged? i will love u forever i swear”.

#22: “Stop looking at me like that!”

#24: “How mad would you be if I kissed you?”

#26: “My lipgloss is all over your lips.”

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Rating: Fluff

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy

Words: 4.7k

A.N.: It's a very old request but I wasn't inspired at the moment. I hope you enjoy this as much as I enjoyed writing it. Sorry for writing it so late and publishing it right now! As always, thank you to my wonderful @softreidx for reading it first and giving me her feedbacks, they're always so funny and they make me fall in love each day more with you. Mwah.

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You’re my downfall, you’re my muse My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing in my head for you

"I’m going to get you!"

Henry shrieks, leaving his little black jacket on the chair beside the table before starting to run in the backyard. Y/N runs right behind him, giggling as she grabs the child and lifts him, making him jump as he laughs loudly.

Spencer takes a sip of the champagne, his eyes following Y/N’s every move. JJ is standing right beside him, her arms crossed to her chest as she looks at Spencer for a split second before smiling, playfully hitting him with her shoulder.

She knows that look, she knows that focused expression on his face, she knows what he’s thinking because she can see the way he stares at Y/N as she picks up Henry and plays with him.

Even though JJ met Y/N not too long ago, maybe a couple of months, she really likes her – mostly because she makes Spencer happy. JJ had the chance to spend a couple of nights with Y/N, when Spencer’s girlfriend couldn’t sleep because he was working on a case somewhere around the country.

Instead of staying at home, Y/N went to the FBI headquarters and stayed with JJ – it helped them getting to know each other, but most importantly it really helped Y/N with her nerves, her fears of something happening to Spencer on the field.

During those nights, Y/N and JJ talked about everything: their High School experiences, their favourite music, their most terrible fears, their parents, their first ideal job when they were children, their biggest dreams, their ideal house... everything. It didn’t take long for them to get close, especially because Y/N is very likeable and has been nothing but supportive of Spencer in the last year.

JJ realized how much Y/N loved Spencer just a couple of weeks after they announced they were together – it wasn’t difficult to notice that she saw the way they looked at each other.

Most importantly, the way Y/N looked at him; her eyes were filled with love each time he smiled at her. JJ thought she was looking at herself and Will in the first few weeks of their relationship. It felt extremely weird, but it was so comforting.

Spencer deserves all the happiness in the world, and Y/N is giving it to him.

"Henry always asks me about her, you know?"

Spencer turns around, raising an eyebrow. "Oh? What does he want to know?"

JJ chuckles, watching Y/N sitting on the swing with Henry on her thighs.

She’s laughing along with him, holding him tight to her chest so she can swing slowly back and forth without making him fall down on the floor.

"He likes spending time with her, he wants her to be his and his brother’s babysitter next time me and Will have something to do. – says JJ, pulling out her phone from her purse to snap a picture of Y/N and Henry enjoying the swing – I like her too, Spencer. Very much."

The young doctor doesn’t take his eyes off his girlfriend, watching how she and Henry laugh each time the swing moves back and forth. Y/N has always been very good with kids.

Spencer remembers her showing him all of the videos she took of herself with her cousin’s children; they were spending the day at the beach. Y/N was with three children and they were all mesmerized by her. Spencer doesn’t blame them, Y/N is so incredible to watch, to be with.

That’s why he likes her so much, because there’s not a single thing about her that he can’t stop admiring.

"I have my future in front of me right now."

JJ hums, grabbing a glass of champagne from the table behind her. "Yeah, I think so, too."

Spencer inhales deeply, sitting on the wooden bench next to the table. "I don’t blame Henry and you either, I like her too. She’s just so... endearing, you know? She’s everything I want and more."

"Does she know this?" asks his best friend

He shrugs, running his fingers through his hair. "Not really. She knows that I’m in love with her. I told her a couple of days ago, but she hasn’t said it back. And she cried."

JJ tilts her head, leaning it against his shoulder. "You don’t have to say it out loud. There are so many ways to let a person know that you love and care for them deeply without using your words. Is she doing that?"

"Yeah. The first time we met, she told me she’s not romantic at all but in reality she is. – says Spencer, a little smile spreading on his lips – She makes me breakfast every single time she’s at my place, she bought me a bunch of books I didn’t have, but I told her about, she always asks me to text her when I’m back at home after a case. She... She is my future, I know that."

"I’m pretty sure you’re her soulmate."

Reid glances at his best friend, lowering his eyes with a smile. "She is my soulmate."

After he finishes speaking, Y/N turns around and looks at him straight in the eyes from afar. She lifts a hand and waves at him, her beautiful smile already on her lips as Henry jumps down her thighs.

Y/N climbs down the swing and immediately lifts JJ’s son from the floor, laughing along with him before starting to walk towards Spencer and JJ. He quickly stands up from the wooden bench, leaving his empty glass of champagne on the table next to him while JJ puts her jacket over her shoulder.

"Mommy! Hi!"

Y/N approaches JJ and Spencer, Henry tightly pressed against her body as he waves at his mother and his godfather with a toothless grin.

"Y/N told me that tonight the Tooth Fairy is going to leave a toy under my pillow! – Henry exclaims, looking at his mother – Is it true? Can I meet the Tooth Fairy?"

JJ chuckles, nodding. "No, love. She can’t come to your room if you’re awake, it’ll take away all of her powers and we don’t want that, do we?"

Henry shakes his head, leaning against Y/N’s shoulder. He’s a bit sleepy, he has played for the whole night with Jack and then all by himself – JJ can see that, because Henry is slowly falling asleep between Y/N’s arms. And as much as Y/N loves JJ’s son, she doesn’t want to spend the whole night with a child attached to her. She hasn’t even gotten the chance to dance with Spencer and enjoy some alcohol.

"And he’s out like a light. – says JJ, gently taking Henry from Y/N’s arms – I’m so sorry he kept you busy for almost a whole hour, me and Will thought he was going to pass out before."

Y/N shrugs, a smile forming on her lips. "It’s fine, he’s a good kid. Very hyper-active, isn’t he?"

JJ rolls her eyes, chuckling. "You have no idea. Will can’t handle him for more than half an hour."

Spencer slides his right arm around Y/N’s waist, pulling her against his chest. As JJ walks away, probably to lay Henry on the little couch inside the restaurant David and Kyrstal booked for their wedding, Spencer presses a kiss on top of his girlfriend’s forehead. Y/N looks up at him and brushes her thumb on his cheekbones.

"Sorry I’ve been away from you. – she mutters, her forehead now gently pressed against his – Henry is so adorable, he’s literally my favourite kid in the world."

Spencer nods, his hands now resting on her hips. "I know. He likes you a lot. He asked JJ if you could be his and Michael’s babysitter next time she has to go somewhere."

Y/N widens her eyes, quickly nodding. "I’d love that! Absolutely, yes. I’ll do it."

The young woman pulls away from him for a split second, wrapping the jacket around her shoulders as she turns around to look at the now empty swings. If one of them held her weight, the other one could also hold Spencer’s. Right?

"How mad would you be if I kissed you?"

Y/N blushes, turning around to face him. "I wouldn’t be mad at all. You haven’t kissed me since we came here."

Spencer leans in, giving her a peck on the lips. "I didn’t want you to be uncomfortable around all of these guests. I know you don’t like kissing me in front of others."

"That is not true! – she playfully pinches his chest, chuckling – I don’t want to make out with you in front of others, which is different."

He smiles softly, his hands gently caressing her hips. "Oh, right."

When Y/N pulls away from his embrace, knowing that staying there and kissing him would’ve led to someone else taking the swings. She really wants to go there. She hasn’t been on a swing ever since she was a child – and she used to love them so much.

"Oh my God. – says Y/N, noticing Spencer’s lips now all covered in red – I forgot I had make up for a split second, now my lipgloss is all over your lips!"

Spencer furrows his eyebrows, instantly touching his mouth with the tip of his fingers; he brushes his thumb over his bottom lip, noticing the red gloss covering his skin, and he starts to laugh.

"Now I understand why I felt weird. This feels so sticky."

Y/N pulls out a tissue from her purse, using it to clean his lips. "Sorry, my love. I didn’t mean to."

"It’s fine, red looks good on me. – he replies, winking at her – Why didn’t you use the lipstick I bought you? If you did, I could’ve kissed you a little more."

She rolls her eyes, leaning forward. "I wanted to use a gloss, it makes my lips look plumper.

Spencer nods, his hands sliding down her back as he brushes the tip of his nose against hers. "It does, you’re right."

Y/N grabs his hand and pulls him towards the garden, slipping away from his tight embrace even though she would’ve loved to stay there for a little while.

"Come on, let’s swing."

Spencer raises an eyebrow, watching her as she sits on the swing she was occupying with Henry over her thighs, and crosses his arms to his chest. She wants them to swing together like children – she told him so many times about her childhood. Y/N used to live right behind a kindergarten, which meant she would always see kids playing and swinging together. And the swings are actually still her favourite playtime, even if now she’s an adult.

"Why are you still standing? – asks Y/N, pointing to the other swing – Sit there."

Spencer obeys, his hands holding the metal chain as he slowly swings back and forth. "Are you sure it will hold my weight? I don’t want to end up on the floor."

She giggles, shrugging. "If that happens, I’ll help you stand up. Don’t worry."

"Wow, that is so comforting. I have the best girlfriend in the world, don’t I? – he jokingly asks, rolling his eyes – At least you won’t videotape me."

Y/N shakes her head, moving her hand towards his. "You do have the best girlfriend in the world, are you doubting that?"

Spencer wrinkles his nose. "No, I would never. I know I have."

They sit there, swinging while holding each other’s hand. The guests inside the restaurant are dancing, enjoying their night and celebrating David’s love for Krystal. Y/N doesn’t mind sitting outside for a while. She has been with Spencer’s colleagues the whole night, but she has never been alone with him yet. And now that she does, she realizes how much she has missed him.

Isn’t it crazy?

"JJ likes you."

Y/N turns around. "Oh?"

"Everybody likes you, actually. I don’t blame them. – says Spencer, stopping the swing – You are just so..."

She stands up from her seat and walks in front of him, his arms wrapping around her waist as she leans down to leave a kiss on his lips. Y/N knows how difficult it is for Spencer to talk about his feelings.

His love language is touch, as strange as it is, and he made sure she knew that – she doesn’t mind being touched by him, she loves it actually. And she also knows he deserves to hear her say how much she’s in love with him, even though she has shown him that many times without using her words.

And since they’re alone, this is the perfect moment.

At a wedding, under the shining stars of that dark night.

"I’m in love with you, Spencer. – she whispers, her lips barely touching his – And I’m glad your friends like me. It means a lot."

He stands up, his hands sliding on her back. "I know you love me."

Y/N kisses his lips again, her hands brushing right under his eyes. "Of course you do, darling, but you deserve to hear those words because I haven’t said them back when you did."

"Yeah, it feels good to hear you say them. – says Spencer, a little laugh escaping his mouth before kissing hers again. – Can I be honest with you?"

She nods, pulling away from him, but still holding both his hands in hers.

They walk together to the beautiful terrace next to the garden, admiring the amazing view from that hill. Millions of lights contrasting against the dark sky, filled with stars. The faint melody of violins coming from the restaurant is mixed with the wind blowing in the distance.

"Seeing you playing with Henry made me realize that I want this life with you."

Y/N stops when they reach the wooden railing, so she turns the side to look at her boyfriend. And he’s staring back at her, his eyes shining under the lights right below the terrace as a little smile breaks over his lips. He looks so pretty tonight, with his black tux that fits him perfectly and a cute papillon on his neck. His fluffy hair Y/N had combined are decorating his adorable face, his pink lips look so delicious.

He’s talking about their future and Y/N can’t handle that. She’s not angry, she’s not disgusted by the thought of creating a family with him. No, not at all. She’s just so happy because she never thought she’d find love, but she did.

And she found it in the most amazing man she has ever met in twenty eight years of life.

"We haven’t talked about kids and marriage because we’ve been together for a year, but..."

Y/N places her hands on his chest. "We don’t have to discuss these topics right now, just know that I want everything you want. Okay?"

Spencer caresses her back with the tip of his fingers, nodding. "Okay. But you don’t have to say this just because I..."

"Do you really think I’d have a baby with you just because you want one? – asks the young woman, raising an eyebrow at his sentence – I would never mess up my body just because my boyfriend desperately wants a baby. I might be sweet and all, but I’m not dumb. Or condescending, you know me."

He chuckles, leaning in to kiss her lips. "I wanted to be sure."

Y/N hums, sliding her hand back behind his neck. "We’re not going to conceive a baby tonight, but we’ll have fun trying."

"Definitely."

As they’re about to kiss again, a childish shriek breaks them apart as Henry runs inside of the terrace to end up against Y/N. She chuckles, lifting the child up, and presses a soft kiss on his cheek as she turns around to find Will running behind his child.

"Oh, I’m sorry guys. Henry was looking for Y/N, I told him to leave you two alone, but he just wouldn’t listen. – says Will, shaking his head – I’m really sorry, Y/N."

Y/N gives him a smile. "Don’t worry, it’s okay. I was starting to miss my prince!"

Henry giggles again, wrapping his little arms around her neck. "She said she was a princess!"[1] [2]

Spencer can do nothing, but smile, admiring the way Henry got so attached to Y/N throughout the night, but he doesn’t blame him at all. Will, Y/N and Spencer, along with the child, go back to the restaurant where the guests are still dancing.

Spencer doesn’t mind sharing Y/N again with Henry. It's a sight that makes his heart swell in his chest each time because she seems genuinely happy. As if she’s made to have a baby and Spencer is just so excited, so nervous at the same time. He’s terrified he might lose her, that she might find someone better than him. Y/N never gave any sign of wanting to leave him, she loves him more than anyone else in the world and she just told him she wants to spend her life with him and even have a baby, but still.

"Henry! Come here, my dad just gave me Legos!"

Jack’s voice captures Henry’s attention and as soon as he hears those words, he waves Y/N goodbye and finally leaves her alone. So she immediately sits back at her table with Spencer, holding his hands under the tablecloth and leaning her head against his shoulders.

The lights inside of the restaurant are now low, the guests are going back to their seats while David and Krystal are enjoying their first dance as a married couple. A familiar song is playing in the background, Elvis’ voice filling Y/N’s ear as she mouths the word of that masterpiece she has always loved.

Wise men say: “Only fools rush in”, but I can’t help falling in love with you.

Spencer intertwines his fingers with hers, watching as his colleague dances in the middle of the room with his wife. David has been through so much in his life and now he just found the love of his life again, just like Spencer did. They’re both so incredibly lucky to have found someone to spend the rest of their lives with, even though Spencer is not married yet. Sure, he’s going to ask Y/N to marry him one day. He’s in no rush whatsoever.

"Shall I stay? – whispers Y/N, brushing the tip of her nose against his cheek –Would it be a sin if I can’t help falling in love with you?"

That song was playing in that vintage coffee shop where they had their first date. Y/N remembers it clearly because she started mouthing the lyrics, noticing that Spencer didn’t know the words because “I don’t really listen to music with spoken words, I’m more of a Beethoven type” – and that led to an interesting date filled with debates about music, how it has evolved until that day.

It was amazing. Y/N loved their conversation and how easy it was to talk to him. It felt like they knew each other since they were kids. They had so much fun. By the end of the night, Spencer knew the lyrics to that song because she dared him to learn them and he did. Just for her, to see her happy.

"Like a river flows, surely to the sea. Darling, so it goes; some things are meant to be."

Y/N uses her free hand to touch Spencer’s face, gently turning him around so that they can face each other, and leans in to kiss his lips again. Her red lipgloss is now just an afterthought.

Y/N loves him so much, to the point where her heart actually hurts because she can’t describe what she would do to him, for him. Y/N has never been the romantic type – or so she says – but she knows she’d die for Spencer. It sounds a bit dramatic and maybe it is, but she feels that way and she knows that will never change.

Spencer smiles against her lips, mouthing the next lyrics. "Take my hand, take my whole life too, for I can’t help falling in love with you."

Y/N holds his hand tightly under the table, giggling on his lips. "I love you too, you hopeless romantic hot doctor."

"Hot? Am I hot to you? – asks her boyfriend, raising an eyebrow – You never called me that."

She rolls her eyes, caressing his chin with the tip of her index finger. "I find you extremely hot, I just never told you before. Is that a crime?"

He shakes his head, chuckling. "No, no, I... Never mind."

Y/N gives him a kiss on the lips before standing up from her chair.

She straightens her long dark red dress and walks in the middle of the room, where all the other guests are joining David and Krystal as the same song plays again in the background.

Y/N looks at Spencer and tilts her head, crooking her finger as she calls him. Spencer doesn’t really like to dance, he feels like a piece of wood every time he steps on the dance floor, but he’s willing to make this sacrifice – Morgan is never going to let this go, he knows it.

He approaches Y/N, gently holding her hand while placing the other on her back. She gives him a soft smile and slowly begins to move, swaying her body right and left as the song goes on and on, the lyrics speaking to them both.

They never break eye contact, too focused on each other to understand what is happening around them. All the couples inside the restaurant are dancing to the music, but Garcia and Emily are both looking at Y/N and Spencer.

They were the first people to meet Y/N by accident, when she and Reid weren’t a couple yet officially. He was talking to her on the phone right outside the FBI headquarters when Y/N walked in the parking lot, running towards him and blushing because she had forgotten her sweater at his apartment.

Penelope and Emily, after having breakfast together, were stepping down from Prentiss’ car when they saw Y/N hugging Spencer. They didn’t say anything until they arrived right in front of them.

Spencer introduced Y/N to them, calling her a “very good friend of mine”, before the young woman took off and left the parking lot. Of course, they teased Spencer the whole morning until he broke down: “She’s not my girlfriend! Yet.” which satisfied them.

"May I take a picture of you?"

Y/N looks to her side, nodding at the photographer. "Sure, of course."

Spencer doesn’t like photographs either, he never knows how to pose. Should he smile? Should he kiss Y/N during the photo? Should he frown? Should he pretend to be serious?

It’s such an awkward situation, but he wants a cute memory of this night, so he keeps his arm around Y/N’s shoulders and smiles at the photographer as he takes the picture.

The flashes shine in the blink of an eye and a few seconds later, the photographer is already going towards another couple.

"That was quick. – says Spencer, chuckling – I hope I looked good."

Y/N smiles, shrugging. "I’m sure you did. You always look stunning in pictures, but you look even better in real life."

He hums, pulling the young woman towards the hallway of the restaurant. "So many compliments tonight."

"They’re not the only things you’re going to get tonight. – she whispers on his lips, playfully pushing away before swaying her hips when the music changes – "What, cat got your tongue?"

Spencer is shocked by her words.

Are they going to have sex that night?

Are they really going to finally make love with each other?

Is he really going to see her completely naked, finally be able to touch her body and worship her the way he wants to?

Oh wow. And she teased him like that at a wedding? Crazy.

"I’m.. I’m fine. – says Spencer, grabbing her hand and pushing her towards his own body – And what other thing I might get tonight? I want to know, but I’m interested."

Y/N shushes him with a finger over his lips, winking at him. "You’ll know when the time comes, my love. And stop looking at me like that. We don’t want people to notice what you’re thinking, do we?"

Before he can say anything to her, to reply to those haunting words that are echoing in his mind, Y/N slips away from him and sits at the table with Emily, Penelope and Tara.

They offer her a glass filled with fresh champagne while Spencer stands there, dumbfounded and shocked.

Well, he’s not really shocked.

He’s pleasantly surprised by her, because he was waiting for a sign from her to go further.

They have been together for twelve months, three weeks and five days. For some, it’s a long time; for others, it’s not. Spencer doesn’t care about either, he just wanted Y/N to be comfortable around him.

She didn’t want to rush things between them, that’s what she has been telling him since they officialized their relationship. Y/N has been with a man before, Spencer is well aware of that, and she asked him to wait for her; he didn’t mind, he could wait for her forever, but right now touching her is all he thinks about.

Sure, they have done something else – not much, just a few touches down there, but never went through with the whole thing. Y/N loved everything he gave her, and he loved everything she gave him; they both wanted each other a lot, but Y/N just wasn’t ready yet.

And Spencer told her that he was willing to wait for her, but now the waiting is done.

"Reid, are you okay?"

Spencer wrinkles his nose, taking his eyes off Y/N. "Oh, hi Matt. Yeah, I’m okay. Why?"

"You look like someone who just saw a ghost. – says Matthew, patting him on the back – Are you enjoying your night with your other half?"

The young doctor nods, giving his colleague a smile. "Yes, Y/N has spent the whole night with Henry though. He’s obsessed with her. Can’t blame him."

"I noticed that he kept running to her or sitting on her legs! She seems good with kids, doesn’t she? – asks Matthew, taking a sip of his champagne – If I had brought all of mine, they would’ve fallen in love with her, too."

Spencer chuckles, nodding. "I absolutely agree. Her niece loves her as much as Henry."

Matthew walks away when his wife calls him from the table, while Spencer moves his eyes again on the young woman not too far from where he is sitting. Sex has never been in his mind as much as it is right now, and it’s all because of those little words she whispered to his lips. Sure, he has dreamed of making love with Y/N so many times before that night, but right now he knows his dreams will come true very soon and he’s so nervous.

How is he going to do this?

He didn’t prepare anything at his apartment, his bedroom is a mess because he left in a hurry to pick up Y/N and Penelope.

And now? What is he going to do?

He wanted to make their first night together special. Y/N has already been in his bedroom, they’ve been sleeping – physically sleeping, not metaphorically – together since day one; she likes to spend her nights with him, and so does he at her apartment, but now it’s different.

They’re going to leave the venue of the wedding and then what? What if she gets turned off because his bedroom is messy and has clothes all over the floor?

What if she changes her mind at the exact moment she steps inside his apartment? What if...

He’s freaking out and they haven’t left yet. Y/N is still having fun with Spencer’s colleagues. She's enjoying her night the way she should be, but he’s freaking out and he doesn’t know what to do besides overthink.

"Spencer?"

Y/N is right in front of him, waving her hand on his face. "Yes?"

"Let’s go home. – she whispers, keeping her eyes on his – We have so many things to do."

Spencer almost chokes at her words, covering his mouth. "Uh, I... Yeah, you’re right."

And if Y/N can’t move from the bed the next morning because she’s too sore and tired... well, some things are better left unsaid.

Tag list: @getyoutmoon, @bookishspencer @calm-and-doctor @reidswhoree @nazifa94 @srhxpci @eevee0722 @reichelhache @aperrywilliams, @escapingrealities @beepbooptoop @alfonsais @lil-stark @muffin-cup @allexthakatt @this-is-doctor-and-its-calm @gyllord @Winterwhore

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410 notes · View notes

deunan403 · 4 years

Note

Oh my gosh your ‘the name is English’ fanfic is so good. Any advice on getting like. The distinct voices of each of the characters? I’m just dabbling in homestuck fiction and I think I got Dave and rose and jade. But John and the alpha kids are hard

(Edited: I kept thinking about the mistakes I made in this explanation so I’ve finally gone back and fixed them pfffft, Also like... I think I might’ve misconstrued the kind of answer anon was going for, in which case, only the very end end of this long ass response is useful. Welp.)

SO FIRST OFF, I am insanely flattered anyone is asking my advice on how to write Homestuck characters because these are some of the most difficult characters I’ve ever written. Thank you so much! These kids each have an insane amount of dimension to them and I completely understand why they come off a bit intimidating to write correctly. I don’t even think I do that good of a job, lmao. Anywho, I’mma go ahead and apologize in advance because I got a little carried away with my advice. When I get to explaining things I like to over-explain and hope you just pick out what ends up bein actually useful to you. There is... a lot of shit under this cut, so be warned.

Hello! Welcome to this wordy as fuck space under the cut. (Edit: It won’t format correctly so ALL this bullshit under the cut. Thanks tumblr. SMD plz). Unfortunately I can't describe the way they talk without deconstructing a little bit on how I view each of their personalities because a part of me insists it's better to provide context and examples, so again, I'm sorry for these unnecessarily long ramblings. Skip to about the center of each paragraph if you want to focus on speech pattern-specific things, eheheheh.

John's pretty difficult for me too because his vernacular slate isn't as colorful as everyone else's, but this is kind of what I've come to understand about him: His general reaction to everything is a mixture of chipper and blasé--going with the flow. He kind of became the “straight man” in HS to combat the way everyone else was reacting to the wild shit that eventually went down. At face value, the way he talks makes him come off as a simple dude -- what you see is what you get, which isn't necessarily true. He's honest about his feelings but at the same time it seems like he has difficulty processing and understanding them, which makes them come through much milder than what you'd expect for the situation. It's probably why he absorbed his dad's death very slowly and got hit hard when it finally processed that he was gone for good. But not many things get all the way through his initial blaséness which actually makes him kind of callous in that he can give oddly indifferent responses to things others would consider a big deal, such as when Terezi died in front of him. He looked at her corpse and was just like "Eugh. She's so weird." Like damn dude, that’s cold. Ain’t like she bled to death or nothing. Anyway, some speech pattern specific things I keep in mind when I write him: He doesn't use a lot of big words, sticking to casual, simple responses, most of them positive or enthusiastic sounding. He sometimes uses old man speech and idioms, like Jake but toned down by like 85%. He's a bit slow on the uptake, points out the obvious, and says things that he thinks are clever but he's either completely missing the mark or being lame in general, not to say he can't sometimes be particularly sassy/savage, especially when it comes to his immediate friends because he knows them and can see through their bullshit better than he can with other people he doesn't know that well. In the chat client, he likes to divide combined words like "what ever" and "time line". If you're being canon compliant, he adopted some chat quirks from Vriska after they dated, such as multiplying punctuations by 8 for emphasis!!!!!!!! (edit: Ignore this last part. I think I may be thinking of a dead john, lmao.)

Jane's also a little difficult but easier than John since speech-wise, she's more of a balance between him and Jake + if they were super skeptical about everything and cared about being smart. She's actually kind of a wild card to me, because sometimes she has probably some of the most realistic reactions to the more ridiculous things in HS, but has grown used to equally ludicrous happenings such as the assassination attempts on her life in her intro. She also tends to wear her heart on her sleeve, and has quite the temper. She tries to override her more emotional responses with good southern manners because she's polite, god dammit! When her short fuse isn't ignited, her bottomless passion fuels her cheerfulness as well as her fearlessness. She's also pretty inquisitive, about the world around her as well as towards her friends, asking them questions to understand what they may be dealing with better. She tries really hard to be reasonable about things but struggles with letting other things that may be in play ruffle her well-kept feathers. Speech pattern-wise, she vacillates between speaking like a normal teen and a grandma, to a way lesser extent than Jake. Initially, she tries to keep it prim and proper--sophisticated like a southern suburban housewife with an interesting hint of embellished self-narrative like she's the protagonist of a Noir comic (like here), but when real shit starts to go down, she gets quite a bit more casual (like when they're on their quest slabs here). That is to say, I wouldn't say her normal way of talking is something that doesn't come naturally to her because it totally does, but she loses most of the laciness because short and to the point is better, which is the case for any of the kids with more flavorful quirks. She tends to steamroll over other people when she gets passionate about a topic, but when that's not happening, she's actually super accommodating, to the point of viciously ignoring her own feelings so she can be a voice of reason. In the chat client, she uses toothy emojis like :B.

Roxy, on the other hand, comes pretty easily for me because she's really similar to one of my closest friends and speaks much the same way we do when we're chill. We're also from the south, where much of the youth talk like Roxy does, lmao. Roxy is probably the most accommodating of any of the kids, readily bending over backwards to cater to her friends' needs and letting her own needs take a backseat, which probably leads to a lot of resentment she keeps buried. But she's still the chillest one, taking just about everything in stride before and after her alcoholism. She tends to get sad before she ever gets angry. And if she does get angry, it's usually only frustration at others for being difficult. Communication-wise, she's the most shorthanded--thinking and living in chat-speak. She's all about living her best life and taking care of her family so things are fun and peaceful. She wants to be super sure of herself (like Dirk) because she wants to be reliable. When talking, she likes to use a bunch of metaphors (again, like Dirk), and she tends to casually throw in a lot of puns too, such as when she tells Jake that they're still "humanated" when he asks if he's alienated her too. The nature of her responses is typically pretty flippant, even when things are serious. It's probably obvious that getting comfortable with general Ebonics will help a lot when writing her. In chat client, I try to remember these things: typos only happen when she's drunk--when typing her drunk, I avoid actively trying to give her slurred speech. Instead, I kind of let my fingers type a little more haphazardly and leave the typos I made that sound like mistakes she would make. She only tries to correct a small portion of her typos, more frequently the closer she is to sobriety. When she IS sober, her shorthand isn't consistent. One sentence she'll write "u" and the next, she'll write "you". Same thing with "2" and "to" or "4" and "for", etc. She'll cut out unnecessary letters in words, use typical chat abbrevs, and only use singular letters in place of a whole word, like "y" for "yes". Also uses smileys and other signs like <3. She's super fun for me to write because she comes away with a general feeling of "lmao" if that makes any sense.

Jake I'm always worried I'm doing wrong but he seems to be the one people love my characterization of the most so far, lmao. So I guess I must be doing something right. The thing about Jake is he wants to be the "likeable character". He takes what people want in a guy and molds that into this garbled persona. So when he talks to others, even his friends, he tries to be super agreeable, positive and supportive, regardless of the subject matter; he’s always talking these people up to make them feel good about themselves so that they enjoy conversing with him. But the reality is that he's extremely (but not necessarily intentionally) self-centered. He also aggressively ignores anything negative or forcefully turns it into something positive even when it doesn't make sense. He only tends to express frustration when others (Dirk) are being difficult; I don't remember if he ever actually gets angry in the comic?? He also likes to express surprise/amazement at things (a lot more than the other kids do at least), at the beginning of his responses, even when someone says something that's particularly obvious. The thing that gets me about Jake is that his superficial shell is so impenetrable, I don't think that issue was ever really fully addressed, much less fixed in HS, which leaves a lot of questions about his character & several different but valid interpretations of him by the audience. He may very well actually just be an oblivious idiot who's suffered brain damage one too many times (there's not too many pieces of supporting evidence to negate this) but I personally like to think Jake is far more complicated than that. I mean, look at how many convos he's grabbed the helm of and steered into a completely different direction just so he doesn't have to deal with something. His speech is probably the one I have to look up references for the most because he uses a fuckton of idioms you'd only hear one’s well-meaning but probably unintentionally racist poppop use, and a weird mixture of western/country and british vocab + bro speech he probably adopted while talking to Dirk. This is one list I find super useful when trying to find words to use (bless this person), but I still have to google a bunch of goofy phrases and words to be sure I'm not exhausting my material. One thing I know I do wrong when it comes to Jake's speech is use modern British slang such as "bloody" and "bloke", which is something he absolutely never does but I use them anyways because... idfc, I guess, idk. lol, I acknowledge it so it's fine.

Dirk is probably the one that comes easiest to me because he and I behave and talk pretty similarly. Either that, or I just like to think that and I'm just projecting while writing him completely wrong, lmao. Either way, Dirk hides behind the fact that he's super chill and levelheaded when really he's a nervous paranoid wreck. He's always thinking and overthinking about everything and he never gives himself a god damn break. He calculates every response he gives so it comes off exactly the way he wants it to, so when it doesn't because he's caught off guard, you get to see these little snippets of this dude freaking out underneath. He's a neurotic control freak that makes sure the flow of conversation stays on a set course he wants it to or else he gets either uncomfortable or pissed off. He skirts around anything that might get personal to him and dismisses any focus that sheds light on his own emotions UNLESS he feels, again, that he can control that flow of conversation. Or he's already emotionally compromised. Either way, he avoids conditions that might catch him actually being vulnerable because he's just too fuckin' proud. He likes to make a lot of comparisons, using extended metaphors and milking the fuck out of them if he can get away with it because the more he talks, the more he feels in control. He likes to smoothly play along with people he finds are being ridiculous, like Jake and Caliborn, or even just because he knows they'll know he's just playing along like Roxy. That's a key thing for me actually--how much he likes to fuck with people and how inelegantly he takes it in those rare cases someone successfully fucks with him. His speech seems to be a balance between Rose and Dave, a chill bro with access to the biggest vocabulary ever. I encourage aiming towards sounding like a pretentious asshole when writing Dirk because that's what he is all the time sometimes. He likes to Dirk-splain because more often than not he knows exactly what he's talking about, but he also doesn't realize his Dirk-splaining is something no one needed or asked for. Even though he's acknowledged and now resents the ludicrous size of his own ego, he still struggles with not stroking it at every opportunity. He’s a super capable, reliable guy and he knows it, but the reality is that much of what he plans for doesn’t work out. It’s only when he and his friends are really in the shit and he doesn’t have time to think that instinct takes over and he ends up doing some hella amazing things (Unite: Synchronization). That’s why his whole thought process of being better off alone is dangerous--he’s capable because he has people he loves relying on him. (I went off on a tangent unrelated to speech here. I’m sorry. I got a lot of feelings about Dirk and his selfishness vs. his selflessness, lol)

With all that, these are some general notes I try to abide by:

The ramblers of the kids are Dirk, Dave, and Jake, the former two especially when they're anxious. Dave's definitely the worst in that regard. The Striders both act like they wanna come off as men of few words and both fail miserably; it seems like being forced to live in verbal silence for a good portion of their lives gave both of these social wrecks a stigma against any gaps in conversation. Jake on the other hand rambles because he's self-important, not unlike Dirk. It's almost like he's not sure how else to contribute to the conversation if it's not about movies or himself.

For me, it actually helps that I think Dirk and Jake may both be on the spectrum. (I'm sorry if the following offends anyone who is on the spectrum, but this is just my general experience talking to people with those conditions). It certainly explains why their joint communication is so shit and why they either both give long-winded explanations that no one really asks for, or extract themselves from conversations they don't have a good foothold in, the latter being way more common for Jake (I hint a little at all this in my fic, moreso for Jake via Dirk's observations). They both want to be heard but may have difficulty being good listeners because their heads are already filled to the brim with things that have been cycling since before the other person has started talking.

On a final note, I find it pretty important to note the changes in each character's demeanor and way of talking after certain things happen. A glaring example is the Alpha Kids' behaviors after the batshit candy juju episode they all had. When Jake's broken out of his glorified, overwhelmingly positive fake self-image, he's actually very self-critical. However, his self-centeredness is hard to break out of, so when he broods on all the flaws he'd ignored in favor of being the guy everyone likes, he directed all of his nervous energy into finding reassurance from Roxy. (This self-deprecation could've also been born from his constant need to be agreeable, so since he thought everyone considered him to be a piece of shit, he felt the need to agree that was the case. Depends on how you read it.) Roxy had a shorter fuse and was a bit more snappy and resistant to dealing with Jake's ridiculousness. Jane remained calm and acknowledged she can be a bit too stubborn and self-righteous. Dirk finally took a step back from the details and absorbed the big picture of his problematic expectations toward his friends and himself. It’s just something to keep in mind if you fear you’re getting kind of OOC with their personalities. It’s natural for people to behave different based on changes in their mood, so don’t be afraid to experiment.

All that being said (I lied about that final note), I go back and reference the comic a lot when I’m unsure whether I’m representing a character accurately. It’s a good habit to double-check yourself. If you’re unsure how you’re writing a response but wanna move on, write it the best you can and then come back to it later and revise after reading a few conversations that include that character.

Most importantly of all: the thesaurus is your fucking best friend of all time. Fuck everyone else. The thesaurus is your god damn hero. I find “define:”ing words on google actually super helpful when trying to find synonyms that work better for me.

But that’s it! I hope you found at least a few things helpful in that word splurge of fumbling analyses. And thanks a bunch for reading my fic! It’s not super popular so it’s reassuring to know there are people out there who really enjoy it. Keeps me trying to update regularly at the very least.

#anon #deunantalks #hs #deunanrambles for fuckin days #stfudeunan #ask

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umbillicalnoose · 5 years

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i think that you would think im pretty and would like my poetry and i want to share it with you. im shy.

to be honest, im very apathetic these days. im not the nice “cutesy baby flower petal boy” i used to be. a lot has happened & im bitter & sullen & all in all, a pretty shitty friend/person to know. i used to possess some redeeming qualities, believe it or not, even if they were construed by the subconscious in an attempt to be likeable - a facade, even tho its only a facade, is still tangible, still there, is still something, even if not authentic. is poorer character forgivable in the name of presenting more authentically? but nah. that makes it sound like im putting effort into being a better person, which im not. im just sort of fried & done. its been a very long time since i played the role i built for myself on here of the “small fawn boy who wants to help girls” lmaooo. how embarrassing. altho, i was just a kid, & i guess, if you had a tumblr as a teenager, you went thru some cringe (i know the use of that word has fallen in on itself & adopted its own definition but for lack of a better one) ass phases, whether it was kinning or malingering mental illness or oh fucking christ, all that gender bullshit, etc etc. from what ive observed, tho, loosely following kids im still casually friends with that i met on here, i think we’ve all managed to Grow The Fuck Up, at least a little. most of us have jobs or r in school or have partners - growing up & moving on is a very surreal experience to watch/go thru. im moving at my own pace & ive accepted that - im still currently using & starving myself & concocting a suicide plan every day but at least i use clean needles as much as possible, i actively & honestly do strive for the bare minimum calorically, & um able to work with the mentality of “well ill have this when i need it but todays not that day” a lot more readily, in relation to suicide shit. ive finally found a therapist who Really Gets It, is a frontrunner internationally on ritual & extreme abuse & mind control. its pretty incredible what a few years with a good therapist can do. anyways. im sorry, i know you didnt ask for all this & im not even sure why i divulged. i guess, what tipped me off, was your attempt at sounsing “cute” - dude, cut that shit out, i promise youll be a lot better off. & i know everyone interchanges aspects of their personality based on who theyre talking to/who they percieve themselves to be talking to, but i feel like not a lot of people give enough credence to the internet & its hand in shaping/molding young people, kids, vulnerable dumbasses, especially tumblr (tho, i get that its a relatively new phenomenon) - u get a bunch of the “weird”, “alternative”, ““ostracized” kids together on a website, of course its gonna nurture a culture of hypervalidatoon & pretending to be sick in order to fit in to the point that its not an act anymore & exacerbation of symptoms & basically, just sucking each others dicks, sitting in ur own shit, & never ending coddling. & then, you have the older group of kids, who have played this game before but instead of helping or ignoring the Dumbshit kids, they indulge their own normally-buried-but-unleashed-by-internet-anonymity sadism/human instinct to just be fucking dicks & so now you have this vicious cycle of anger & hatred & fucking melodrama up the urethra. im sorry, i know im comig off as/am being harsh but god fuckin dammit yknow? also, this isnt directed at you, specifically, more of a generalized thing, @ myself included. so uh. i mean, if u still wanna share it with me after reading all this, id be happy to read ur poetry. i used to be over the top nice & then reverted to Major Asshole & am now trying to find that sweet middle spot - honoring & allowing myself to share my pain without putting it on others. which is really hard!! cuz becoming a Dick was difficult in that it forced me to be more honest with my true self & as such, more vulnerable - now in trying to become Kinda Nice again because despite being a pulsating scrotom, ive had the intense desire for friendship & human interaction, while simultaneously doing things that i was consciously aware was pushing others away - but then, if i pretend to be nice, where does that authenticity i worked for & was so scared of go? & i dont mean telling someone their new haircut looks nice even when it doesnt - thats just not being a dick. but i guess, those r the normal trials & tribulations of any relationship & adolescent developing identity. which is weird too - dealing with “normal” issues, i mean. whats the point if your life/limbs/breaking point arent at risk? whats the point when your best friends already dead. im sick of people calling "survivors” (despise that word, so fucking female-originated & overdramatic) “brave” & “strong” - surviving is not brave or strong. its just survival. you wouldnt call an animal brave for running for its life from a predator but you would call a dog courageous for going into a burning building to save its owner. premeditated action on the notion that you are probably going to be hurt is brave. being subjected to pain with no choice is not. theres no “silver lining” or anything “good” to be drawn from it either - sure it may have made x a more compassionate person or made y more introspective & gentle but you know what would have been even fucking better??? if the shit hadnt happened in the first place! let x be an asshole & y be self absorbed - the “benefits”, so to speak, do not outweigh the cost, not by a long fucking shot. its not only patronizing to hear garbage like that, but a slap in the face to know that anyone could possibly see anything good coming from that nightmare & that the characteristics, good or bad, you developed either in response to or as a result of, are worth praise. dont tell me im strong for doing what i had to to escape a torture chamber - tell me im perseverant for studying my ass off & passing that test last week. in the words of one of my dearest & most fucking brilliant friends, “pain doesnt owe me/you purpose - the need to intellectualize & assign meaning to pain & death is not only futile, but harmful.” & honestly, i think that it stems from weakness (in most cases - i realize theres a plethora of other reasons such as those who r just desperate for something to hold on to or r hyperintellectual & analytical or who have been pressured by external “support” systems to find the “good” etc etc) - while the majority of people view the person who “can find the good in everything” (strictly speaking only in relation to trauma/tragedy here & more in denunciation of those that celebrate this trait as opposed to vilifying “survivors” who respond this way, though in my experience, its very very very rarely the “survivor” that perpetrates this ideology ) as strong, i sort of see it as a weakness - their inability to sit with & absorb their own pain or that of others is so strong that not only do they have to frantically pull rainbows out of the teeth of a meat cleaver, they also have to exist within this strange (tho, not malicious - more subconscious) superiority complex. like, nah, dude, some times shit is just awful. you cant tell me anything fucking good came out of a four year old girl being kidnapped, gangraped, & tortured for two years, before being impaled & left to die on a stake. her mom opened a non profit organization? oh well thank fucking god for that!!! those that believe the latter to be more “enlightened” or whatever the fuck r the same people who say shit like “dying is easy - living is harder” & i get that that its supposed to be interpreted metaphorically for the most part - giving up is easy, trying isnt (which also.....isnt true??? admitting defeat & fully accepting the fact that ur fucking helpless is beyond hard lmao???) - but pretend youre somewhere, anywhere outside ur sunny little fucking yoga studio full of white women whos biggest issues r the pta & johnny whos failing math, & lets say your life is in real, imminent danger, a gun is to your head & i want you to not scream or cry or beg for ur life since dying is “easier”. if dying is so easy, why do the majority of ppl cling to it with such desperation - why is suicide illegal? why do some ppl go thru 100s of chemo treatments even tho the doctors say theyre just prolonging the inevitable, ppl who cut off a diseased arm so it wont spread, those who walk dozens of miles every day for food & water, etc? & i know & understand the survival instinct better than anyone, even when i wanted to die more than anything, my natural instincts would kick in with no conscious neural input & id do what i had to do. im not condemning those who cling to life (ok - a little. ur wasting resources out of ur own fear. but i also realize thats just me being a Fucking Asshole As Always cuz technically, im doing the same thing tho its more due to lack of opportunity rather than fear. i just think, societally, death should be more normalized, discussed, & not made out to be so unknown & scary), instead just reprimanding those who say shit like that (inspirational facebook quotes). especially cuz most of the ppl who do spew that shit have never gone thru anything even remotely difficult - their worst nightmare is a Big Scary Black Man grabbing them on the street, mugging them, & touching their tits. & i also know that these stupid ass sayings are to be applied to bullshit like exercise & fitness (“no pain no gain” is another one of my Favorites) & not fucking torture or even just ur run of the mill rape, even that would probably smash the rose tinted banana republic shades off their beverly hills tanned faces. but ive heard the no pain no gain one a handful of times in the last few weeks, specifically from doctors performing procedures in preparation for my bottom surgery. & i know its supposed to be encouraging & they have no way of knowing, but its just like, buddy, u have no idea who youre fucking talking to. & im starting to understand what THEY mean when they say it - pain with a reward is infinitely more tolerable than pain just for the sake of pain; like, a tattoo, it hurts, but u know, when its done, its gonna be sick as fuck. when u r able to fall back on the idea that its for something u rlly want, its A Lot easier to handle as opposed to pain thats Just Pain - theres no reward for it except, i guess, that the more u experience it, the closer u r to the end of it lmao. i mean, i still hate when ppl say it cuz for most of my life, pain was just pain, & the “reward” was the opportunity to go home at the end & so whenever ppl say that, my mind just immediately resorts back to that & im just like haha fuck u. but im trying to remember my experiences r definitely not universal & im starting to sorta understand what they mean i think. but, flipping gears here, & going back to the sentiment of “everything happens for a reason”, the base philosophy of psuedo deep Fuckwads - a girls dad didnt fuck her “for a reason”, everything doesnt happen “for a reason”. like ok, hypothetically, the kid he impregnated her with & that she was forced to have at 12 may surpass all odds & not become a homeless junkie & instead become a world renowned doctor who finds the cure for cancer. but she wasnt raped repeatedly from the age of six for that “reason”, no matter what anyone says & honestly, the liberation of the masses does not justify the suffering of one, especially a child. in my eyes at least. but again, im a bitter asshole. sorry i just Went The Fuck Off here oh my god.....if u read all this, thanks, pal. if not, thats cool too. but yea, send me ur stuff, id totally be down to read it. as for me potentially thinking ur cute, i have to look at my disgusting shitstain of a “face” every goddamn day so everyone else to me is fuckin aphrodite. but im also tryin to not put so much worth into physical appearance- its not something that should be complimented cuz its just smth a person was born with which is the same reason it shouldnt be insulted. this is gonna sound gay & stupid but i personally find that a persons essence & personality really permeates. you can meet someone who, objectively, isnt all that great looking, but once u get to know them, u really see their beauty - how the sun catches in their hair, their dilated pupils looking up at u from under long eyelashes in the dark, the birthmark on their right shoulder that they despise but that is so Them, the gap in their teeth, etc. & idk how to phrase this without it sounding like “well ur ugly but at least ur a good person”, cuz that only reiterates the societally indoctrinated emphasis on appearance & my kneejerk reaction to assure the person in question that thats not what im saying is only another result of that!!! its inescapable!!! but no, really, its not just a matter of “its on the inside that counts” - physically, they change or maybe, actually this is more likely, when i first meet them, my “default” eyes r just looking for features that i know im immediately attracted to (tall, blonde, sickly as in sunken eyes sticklike pale but still looks like she could & will beat the shit out of me) but as i fall in love or get to know them better, my eyes adjust & i notice & adore the beauty that was there all along. so uh. idk if ill think ur “cute”. but probably, yes, ill think ur an angel.

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ajewelofsouls · 3 years

Text

book review #1 - eight perfect murders

review and personal thoughts on "eight perfect murders" by peter swanson, ((not very academic, just a kids thoughts))

tw: violence, murder, death, alcohol/drug abuse, sexual assault

*not proofread & spoilers ahead*

plot:

in the first chapters, i found the plot to be shaky and i was quite uninterested for the majority. the main character (mal) comes off as bland and his perception of his surroundings and the other characters he interacts with are the only mildly entertaining things. though i am guessing that was what the author intended as that blandness of character almost makes you suspicious of him and when the first mini-plot twist occurs it's confusing, surprising but an almost "i knew it!" moment. as the story progresses, I have to say the plot thickens a lot more. i am pretty used to books that set a solid plot right off the bat so when this novel slowly built plot it was a nice surprise in the end on how well the book came together but kind of a drag in the beginning. the slow buildup and inset of the plot also created suspense i realize now and that was cool ig. the concept of the eight perfect murders was really interesting and written very well. the plot twist with the cat (I forget his name) was definitely the most surprising to me, i was literally wide-eyed reading that chapter in utter surprise. marty being the killer actually quite surprised me; though I think looking back it really shouldn't have as he was one of the only likeable characters and u could have a sympathetic view on which was quite different from other characters and how they were written to be perceived. I quite loved mal's narration, especially towards the end chapters and him revealing that the book was just an explanation of the situation to the cops as he was going to kill himself which would complete the eighth perfect murder, it made for a satisfying ending in my opinion. mal was an extremely unreliable narrator which I also enjoyed.

characters:

the characters are honestly not likeable (except for mal's coworkers). mal himself was lacked diversity but was quite a dimensional character. i don't think nearly any character was written to be liked. each major character had major flaws that really were difficult to be sympathetic towards. claire's sexual abuse and claire's trauma, in general, was definitely the most difficult part to read as mal and Claires relationship dynamic (specially mal's mindset in their marriage) was quite interesting though.

overall:

the start of this book was a drag but I don't regret reading it nor do I think it was like a waste of my time. like I said previously the eight perfect murders concept was written well and quite interesting, the plot slowly built itself and the characters were far from innocent and mostly not likeable (the flaws of the characters were the main driving point of this book). this book was tense, dark and I would give it an overall 3.75/5.

fav quotes from the novel:

(1) "The thing is, and maybe I’m biased by all those years I’ve spent in fictional realms built on deceit, I don’t trust narrators any more than I trust the actual people in my life. We never get the whole truth, not from anybody. When we first meet someone, before words are ever spoken, there are already lies and half-truths. The clothes we wear cover the truth of our bodies. But they also present who we want to be to the world. They are fabrications, figuratively and literally." (pg 62)

(2) "Books are time travel. True readers all know this. But books don’t just take you back to the time in which they were written; they can take you back to different versions of yourself." (pg 32)

note: read the other eight novels previous to this one (the novels the eight perfects murders are based on) if u don't want spoilers.

#i actually read this book a month ago #if u read all of my gibberish above i hope both sides of ur pillow are forever cold #let me know ur thoughts #unqualifiedlyjudingbooks #mysoul;

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eggroll-sushi · 7 years

Note

1-150 ask mem

first of all, fuc k yoou

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

my mom??

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

outgoing around friends

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

4. Are you easy to get along with?

i dont know, ive heard that no one really hates me but like i find it difficult to find someone who i actually enjoy talking to

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

i dont really have any interest in anyone rn so... yes? id take care of myself

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

so far everyone that ive liked is a either a nerd or a pretty shitty person so like ,

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

in what way?? idk im still thinking of this oe guy he had his pants pulled up pretty high with a tight belt on and a big nose. im not thinking in a romantic way or anything i just... it was a weird combination. . ..his hair was ok i guess

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

uh yeah if its not in the brash or crude humor way

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“probably”

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

killer - bastille, yeah i dont have any others that stand out particularly

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

i have curly hair so we just both suffer if they try running their hands through... but if i had a romantic s/o i probably wouldnt mind bein petted

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

yes? i think so

15. What good thing happened this summer?

i hung out with friends a lot.. .i think i dont remember

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

yeah i lovemy mom

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

scary either way.. but the universe is pretty big so i guess

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

not really theyre an asshole mostly

19. Do you like bubble baths?

i havent taken a bath in like 4 years.. but yes

20. Do you like your neighbors?

we do not talk

21. What are you bad habits?

being rude and disrespectful and aggressive

22. Where would you like to travel?

europe.. japan.. idk

23. Do you have trust issues?

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

sleeping and eating

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

i really dont know.. its like an all around tie.. .

26. What do you do when you wake up?

brush teeth and wash face, change into outside wear if im going outside, lotion my face and put on mascara, make tea/breakfast

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

overall just smoother.. like a more even tone.. but darker i guess

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

y ou

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

ive dated.. once but i didn’t even like the guy.. i just said yes because it was like. .mmkfkucin 5th grade and then he broke up with me (i didnt care tbh) and then asked me back?? it was weird because he told me he was breaking up because he found.. someone hotter or something and they said if he dumped me they would date him and they didnt.. .it was wild tbh i dont really know why they did this it was like 6th grade. ......... ... .anyways

30. Do you ever want to get married?

theoretically, yes? but idk it seems exhausting and i cant grasp the concept of someone actually liking me for so long

31. Is your hair long enough for a pony tail?

yes

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

fuck i dont know i dont really think about that buds

33. Spell your name with your chin.

gthhju-asnhhy

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

no unless robotics counts

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

yes

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

i just try to do something funny

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

nice, a kind person, likeable, liberal, ,

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

tjmaxx, marshalls, burlington. i go stright to that mf clearance section

40. What do you want to do after high school?

perferably die, but thats unlikely so i wanna go into a good college, make friends, get a decent job

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

my mind says yes but my heart says no

42. If you’re being extremely quiet what does it mean?

1) tired 2) mad 3) i cant/dont wanna make conversation 4) im just .. zoned out

43. Do you smile at strangers?

if they smile first

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

im fucking terrified of both

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

i have to go to school or i feel like shit

46. What are you paranoid about?

every time im disrespectful, aggressive, or really any action that i make

47. Have you ever been high?

48. Have you ever been drunk?

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

sure

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

it was a brownish orange (a coat with a hood)

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

give myself a massive sponge dick

53. Favourite makeup brand?

i dont really wear makeup.. i like ChapStick

54. Favourite store?

tjmaxx

55. Favourite blog?

@eggroll-sushi

56. Favourite colour?

orange? either a peachy orange or a borwnish orange. but i can appreciate a good palette

57. Favourite food?

id say pho but i like a lot of foods

58. Last thing you ate?

oreos and milk

59. First thing you ate this morning?

blueberry english muffin with honey butter

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

recently my team won a robotics comp

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

62. Been arrested? For what?

jesus no

63. Ever been in love?

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

well ... my mo was telling me goonight-- (i havent had one)

65. Are you hungry right now?

yeah

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

my tungle friends are also my irl friends

67. Facebook or Twitter?

twitter (i dont use either)

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

tumblr? i hate it tho

69. Are you watching tv right now?

n o

70. Names of your bestfriends?

you know who

71. Craving something? What?

food.. savory junk food........olives, nachos, ,,

72. What colour are your towels?

white

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

two, but i have 3 on my bed

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

i just keep em on my bed yeah

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

4 on my bed (god bless your soul, okoshi, wherever you are) but like.. 10 total?

75. Favourite animal?

cat but i also like most animals

76. What colour is your underwear?

its currently gray

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

dark chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

blue moon

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

black with white text

80. What colour pants?

shades of gray

81. Favourite tv show?

su? i dont really watch any others

82. Favourite movie?

the man from uncle movie/ kingsman

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

mean girls?

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

mean girls i guess

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

idk

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

starfish

87. First person you talked to today?

mom

88. Last person you talked to today?

you

89. Name a person you hate?

protein shake (jk)

90. Name a person you love?

my mother

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

maybe

92. In a fight with someone?

im constantly in a fight

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

one

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

many, over 10

95. Last movie you watched?

Logan

96. Favourite actress?

janelle monae always looks stunning

97. Favourite actor?

uhhhhhhhhh dwayne is a friend

98. Do you tan a lot?

yes?

99. Have any pets?

100. How are you feeling?

sick

101. Do you type fast?

not really

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

yes

103. Can you spell well?

yeah i guess

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

yeah i suppose

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

i went on a camping enrichment?

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

no?

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

yeah

108. What should you be doing?

studying for histry quiz

109. Is something irritating you right now?

yes

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

no?

111. Do you have trust issues?

im pretty sure this was already asked

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

mom?

113. What was your childhood nickname?

ass (im still a kid, right?)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

yes

115. Do you play the Wii?

when someone has one

116. Are you listening to music right now?

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

yes

118. Do you like Chinese food?

yes

119. Favourite book?

harry potteR?

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

yes

121. Are you mean?

yes

122. Is cheating ever okay?

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

no. once i stepped in a massive puddle and got wet like halfway up my calf

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

125. Do you believe in true love?

n..yes?

126. Are you currently bored?

yes

127. What makes you happy?

friends, having a good time, making people laugh

128. Would you change your name?

129. What your zodiac sign?

scorpio

130. Do you like subway?

yeah

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

we would both suffer

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

you (this is a repeat again)

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

134. Can you count to one million?

i could, yes

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

bro idk

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

closed

137. How tall are you?

5′4″?

138. Curly or Straight hair?

i have curly hair

139. Brunette or Blonde?

brunette

140. Summer or Winter?

summer

141. Night or Day?

cant choose

142. Favourite month?

november

143. Are you a vegetarian?

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

dark

145. Tea or Coffee?

tea

146. Was today a good day?

eh i guess

147. Mars or Snickers?

mars

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“you’re like shaggy from scooby doo; always alone”

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

yes? im scared of them so

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“’You will blow your eyes out,’ said Nwoye’s mother...” (Things Fall Apart)

#captaincreashion

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voldygotmoldy-blog · 7 years

Text

Wand Woods And Its Meaning

A U T H O R ’ S N O T E : This is from Pottermore and all credits is all to the owner. I’m posting this because if you don’t have much time to look at your wand. Here it is.

Acacia

A very unusual wand wood, which I have found creates tricky wands that often refuse to produce magic for any but their owner, and also withhold their best effects from all but those most gifted. This sensitivity renders them difficult to place, and I keep only a small stock for those witches or wizards of sufficient subtlety, for acacia is not suited to what is commonly known as 'bangs-and-smells' magic. When well-matched, an acacia wand matches any for power, though it is often underrated due to the peculiarity of its temperament.

Alder

Alder is an unyielding wood, yet I have discovered that its ideal owner is not stubborn or obstinate, but often helpful, considerate and most likeable. Whereas most wand woods seek similarity in the characters of those they will best serve, alder is unusual in that it seems to desire a nature that is, if not precisely opposite to its own, then certainly of a markedly different type. When an alder wand is happily placed, it becomes a magnificent, loyal helpmate. Of all wand types, alder is best suited to non-verbal spell work, whence comes its reputation for being suitable only for the most advanced witches and wizards.

Apple

Applewood wands are not made in great numbers. They are powerful and best suited to an owner of high aims and ideals, as this wood mixes poorly with Dark magic. It is said that the possessor of an apple wand will be well-loved and long-lived, and I have often noticed that customers of great personal charm find their perfect match in an applewood wand. An unusual ability to converse with other magical beings in their native tongues is often found among apple wand owners, who include the celebrated author of Merpeople: A Comprehensive Guide to Their Language and Customs, Dylan Marwood.

Ash

The ash wand cleaves to its one true master and ought not to be passed on or gifted from the original owner, because it will lose power and skill. This tendency is extreme if the core is of unicorn. Old superstitions regarding wands rarely bear close examination, but I find that the old rhyme regarding rowan, chestnut, ash and hazel wands (rowan gossips, chestnut drones, ash is stubborn, hazel moans) contains a small nugget of truth. Those witches and wizards best suited to ash wands are not, in my experience, lightly swayed from their beliefs or purposes. However, the brash or over-confident witch or wizard, who often insists on trying wands of this prestigious wood, will be disappointed by its effects. The ideal owner may be stubborn, and will certainly be courageous, but never crass or arrogant.

Aspen

Wand-quality aspen wood is white and fine-grained, and highly prized by all wand-makers for its stylish resemblance to ivory and its usually outstanding charmwork. The proper owner of the aspen wand is often an accomplished duellist, or destined to be so, for the aspen wand is one of those particularly suited to martial magic. An infamous and secretive eighteenth-century duelling club, which called itself The Silver Spears, was reputed to admit only those who owned aspen wands. In my experience, aspen wand owners are generally strong-minded and determined, more likely than most to be attracted by quests and new orders; this is a wand for revolutionaries.

Beech

The true match for a beech wand will be, if young, wise beyond his or her years, and if full-grown, rich in understanding and experience. Beech wands perform very weakly for the narrow-minded and intolerant. Such wizards and witches, having obtained a beech wand without having been suitably matched (yet coveting this most desirable, richly hued and highly prized wand wood), have often presented themselves at the homes of learned wandmakers such as myself, demanding to know the reason for their handsome wand’s lack of power. When properly matched, the beech wand is capable of a subtlety and artistry rarely seen in any other wood, hence its lustrous reputation.

Blackthorn

Blackthorn, which is a very unusual wand wood, has the reputation, in my view well-merited, of being best suited to a warrior. This does not necessarily mean that its owner practises the Dark Arts (although it is undeniable that those who do so will enjoy the blackthorn wand’s prodigious power); one finds blackthorn wands among the Aurors as well as among the denizens of Azkaban. It is a curious feature of the blackthorn bush, which sports wicked thorns, that it produces its sweetest berries after the hardest frosts, and the wands made from this wood appear to need to pass through danger or hardship with their owners to become truly bonded. Given this condition, the blackthorn wand will become as loyal and faithful a servant as one could wish.

Black Walnut

Less common than the standard walnut wand, that of black walnut seeks a master of good instincts and powerful insight. Black walnut is a very handsome wood, but not the easiest to master. It has one pronounced quirk, which is that it is abnormally attuned to inner conflict, and loses power dramatically if its possessor practices any form of self-deception. If the witch or wizard is unable or unwilling to be honest with themselves or others, the wand often fails to perform adequately and must be matched with a new owner if it is to regain its former prowess. Paired with a sincere, self-aware owner, however, it becomes one of the most loyal and impressive wands of all, with a particular flair in all kinds of charm work.

Cedar

Whenever I meet one who carries a cedar wand, I find strength of character and unusual loyalty. My father, Gervaise Ollivander, used always to say, ‘you will never fool the cedar carrier,’ and I agree: the cedar wand finds its perfect home where there is perspicacity and perception. I would go further than my father, however, in saying that I have never yet met the owner of a cedar wand whom I would care to cross, especially if harm is done to those of whom they are fond. The witch or wizard who is well-matched with cedar carries the potential to be a frightening adversary, which often comes as a shock to those who have thoughtlessly challenged them.

Cherry

This very rare wand wood creates a wand of strange power, most highly prized by the wizarding students of the school of Mahoutokoro in Japan, where those who own cherry wands have special prestige. The Western wand-purchaser should dispel from their minds any notion that the pink blossom of the living tree makes for a frivolous or merely ornamental wand, for cherry wood often makes a wand that possesses truly lethal power, whatever the core, but if teamed with dragon heartstring, the wand ought never to be teamed with a wizard without exceptional self-control and strength of mind.

Chestnut

This is a most curious, multi-faceted wood, which varies greatly in its character depending on the wand core, and takes a great deal of colour from the personality that possesses it. The wand of chestnut is attracted to witches and wizards who are skilled tamers of magical beasts, those who possess great gifts in Herbology, and those who are natural fliers. However, when paired with dragon heartstring, it may find its best match among those who are overfond of luxury and material things, and less scrupulous than they should be about how they are obtained. Conversely, three successive heads of the Wizengamot have possessed chestnut and unicorn wands, for this combination shows a predilection for those concerned with all manner of justice.

Cypress

Cypress wands are associated with nobility. The great medieval wandmaker, Geraint Ollivander, wrote that he was always honoured to match a cypress wand, for he knew he was meeting a witch or wizard who would die a heroic death. Fortunately, in these less blood-thirsty times, the possessors of cypress wands are rarely called upon to lay down their lives, though doubtless many of them would do so if required. Wands of cypress find their soul mates among the brave, the bold and the self-sacrificing: those who are unafraid to confront the shadows in their own and others’ natures.

Dogwood

Dogwood is one of my own personal favourites, and I have found that matching a dogwood wand with its ideal owner is always entertaining. Dogwood wands are quirky and mischievous; they have playful natures and insist upon partners who can provide them with scope for excitement and fun. It would be quite wrong, however, to deduce from this that dogwood wands are not capable of serious magic when called upon to do so; they have been known to perform outstanding spells under difficult conditions, and when paired with a suitably clever and ingenious witch or wizard, can produce dazzling enchantments. An interesting foible of many dogwood wands is that they refuse to perform non-verbal spells and they are often rather noisy.

Ebony

This jet-black wand wood has an impressive appearance and reputation, being highly suited to all manner of combative magic, and to Transfiguration. Ebony is happiest in the hand of those with the courage to be themselves. Frequently non-conformist, highly individual or comfortable with the status of outsider, ebony wand owners have been found both among the ranks of the Order of the Phoenix and among the Death Eaters. In my experience the ebony wand’s perfect match is one who will hold fast to his or her beliefs, no matter what the external pressure, and will not be swayed lightly from their purpose.

Elder

The rarest wand wood of all, and reputed to be deeply unlucky, the elder wand is trickier to master than any other. It contains powerful magic, but scorns to remain with any owner who is not the superior of his or her company; it takes a remarkable wizard to keep the elder wand for any length of time. The old superstition, ‘wand of elder, never prosper,’ has its basis in this fear of the wand, but in fact, the superstition is baseless, and those foolish wandmakers who refuse to work with elder do so more because they doubt they will be able to sell their products than from fear of working with this wood. The truth is that only a highly unusual person will find their perfect match in elder, and on the rare occasion when such a pairing occurs, I take it as certain that the witch or wizard in question is marked out for a special destiny. An additional fact that I have unearthed during my long years of study is that the owners of elder wands almost always feel a powerful affinity with those chosen by rowan.

Elm

The unfounded belief that only pure-bloods can produce magic from elm wands was undoubtedly started by some elm wand owner seeking to prove his own blood credentials, for I have known perfect matches of elm wands who are Muggle-borns. The truth is that elm wands prefer owners with presence, magical dexterity and a certain native dignity. Of all wand woods, elm, in my experience, produces the fewest accidents, the least foolish errors, and the most elegant charms and spells; these are sophisticated wands, capable of highly advanced magic in the right hands (which, again, makes it highly desirable to those who espouse the pure-blood philosophy).

English Oak

A wand for good times and bad, this is a friend as loyal as the wizard who deserves it. Wands of English oak demand partners of strength, courage and fidelity. Less well-known is the propensity for owners of English oak wands to have powerful intuition, and, often, an affinity with the magic of the natural world, with the creatures and plants that are necessary to wizard kind for both magic and pleasure. The oak tree is called King of the Forest from the winter solstice up until the summer solstice, and its wood should only be collected during that time (holly becomes King as the days begin to shorten again, and so holly should only be gathered as the year wanes. This divide is believed to be the origin of the old superstition, “when his wand’s oak and hers is holly, then to marry would be folly,” a superstition that I have found baseless). It is said that Merlin’s wand was of English oak (though his grave has never been found, so this cannot be proven).

Fir

My august grandfather, Gerbold Octavius Ollivander, always called wands of this wood ‘the survivor’s wand,’ because he had sold it to three wizards who subsequently passed through mortal peril unscathed. There is no doubt that this wood, coming as it does from the most resilient of trees, produces wands that demand staying power and strength of purpose in their true owners, and that they are poor tools in the hands of the changeable and indecisive. Fir wands are particularly suited to Transfiguration, and favour owners of focused, strong-minded and, occasionally, intimidating demeanour.

Hawthorn

The wandmaker Gregorovitch wrote that hawthorn ‘makes a strange, contradictory wand, as full of paradoxes as the tree that gave it birth, whose leaves and blossoms heal, and yet whose cut branches smell of death.’ While I disagree with many of Gregorovitch’s conclusions, we concur about hawthorn wands, which are complex and intriguing in their natures, just like the owners who best suit them. Hawthorn wands may be particularly suited to healing magic, but they are also adept at curses, and I have generally observed that the hawthorn wand seems most at home with a conflicted nature, or with a witch or wizard passing through a period of turmoil. Hawthorn is not easy to master, however, and I would only ever consider placing a hawthorn wand in the hands of a witch or wizard of proven talent, or the consequences might be dangerous. Hawthorn wands have a notable peculiarity: their spells can, when badly handled, backfire.

Hazel

A sensitive wand, hazel often reflects its owner’s emotional state, and works best for a master who understands and can manage their own feelings. Others should be very careful handling a hazel wand if its owner has recently lost their temper, or suffered a serious disappointment, because the wand will absorb such energy and discharge it unpredictably. The positive aspect of a hazel wand more than makes up for such minor discomforts, however, for it is capable of outstanding magic in the hands of the skillful, and is so devoted to its owner that it often ‘wilts’ (which is to say, it expels all its magic and refuses to perform, often necessitating the extraction of the core and its insertion into another casing, if the wand is still required) at the end of its master’s life (if the core is unicorn hair, however, there is no hope; the wand will almost certainly have ‘died’). Hazel wands also have the unique ability to detect water underground, and will emit silvery, tear-shaped puffs of smoke if passing over concealed springs and wells.

Holly

Holly is one of the rarer kinds of wand woods; traditionally considered protective, it works most happily for those who may need help overcoming a tendency to anger and impetuosity. At the same time, holly wands often choose owners who are engaged in some dangerous and often spiritual quest. Holly is one of those woods that varies most dramatically in performance depending on the wand core, and it is a notoriously difficult wood to team with phoenix feather, as the wood's volatility conflicts strangely with the phoenix's detachment. In the unusual event of such a pairing finding its ideal match, however, nothing and nobody should stand in their way.

Hornbeam

My own wand is made of hornbeam, and so it is with all due modesty that I state that hornbeam selects for its life mate the talented witch or wizard with a single, pure passion, which some might call obsession (though I prefer the term ‘vision’), which will almost always be realized. Hornbeam wands adapt more quickly than almost any other to their owner’s style of magic, and will become so personalized, so quickly, that other people will find them extremely difficult to use even for the most simple of spells. Hornbeam wands likewise absorb their owner’s code of honor, whatever that might be, and will refuse to perform acts - whether for good or ill - that do not tally with their master’s principles. A particularly fine-tuned and sentient wand.

Larch

Strong, durable and warm in colour, larch has long been valued as an attractive and powerful wand wood. Its reputation for instilling courage and confidence in the user has ensured that demand has always outstripped supply. This much sought-after wand is, however, hard to please in the matter of ideal owners, and trickier to handle than many imagine. I find that it always creates wands of hidden talents and unexpected effects, which likewise describes the master who deserves it. It is often the case that the witch or wizard who belongs to the larch wand may never realise the full extent of their considerable talents until paired with it, but that they will then make an exceptional match.

Laurel

It is said that a laurel wand cannot perform a dishonourable act, although in the quest for glory (a not uncommon goal for those best suited to these wands), I have known laurel wands perform powerful and sometimes lethal magic. Laurel wands are sometimes called fickle, but this is unfair. The laurel wand seems unable to tolerate laziness in a possessor, and it is in such conditions that it is most easily and willingly won away. Otherwise, it will cleave happily to its first match forever, and indeed has the unusual and engaging attribute of issuing a spontaneous lightning strike if another witch or wizard attempts to steal it.

Maple

I have often found that those chosen by maple wands are by nature travellers and explorers; they are not stay-at-home wands, and prefer ambition in their witch or wizard, otherwise their magic grows heavy and lacklustre. Fresh challenges and regular changes of scene cause this wand to literally shine, burnishing itself as it grows, with its partner, in ability and status. This is a beautiful and desirable wood, and wand quality maple has been among the most costly for centuries. Possession of a maple wand has long been a mark of status, because of its reputation as the wand of high achievers.

Pear

This golden-toned wood produces wands of splendid magical powers, which give of their best in the hands of the warm-hearted, the generous and the wise. Possessors of pear wands are, in my experience, usually popular and well-respected. I do not know of a single instance where a pear wand has been discovered in the possession of a Dark witch or wizard. Pear wands are among the most resilient, and I have often observed that they may still present a remarkable appearance of newness, even after many years of hard use.

Pine

The straight-grained pine wand always chooses an independent, individual master who may be perceived as a loner, intriguing and perhaps mysterious. Pine wands enjoy being used creatively, and unlike some others, will adapt unprotestingly to new methods and spells. Many wandmakers insist that pine wands are able to detect, and perform best for, owners who are destined for long lives, and I can confirm this in as much as I have never personally known the master of a pine wand to die young. The pine wand is one of those that is most sensitive to non-verbal magic.

Poplar

“If you seek integrity, search first among the poplars,” was a great maxim of my grandfather, Gerbold Ollivander, and my own experience of poplar wands and their owners tallies exactly with his. Here is a wand to rely upon, of consistency, strength and uniform power, always happiest when working with a witch or wizard of clear moral vision. There is a tired old joke among lesser wandmakers that no poplar wand has ever chosen a politician, but here they show their lamentable ignorance: two of the Ministry’s most accomplished Ministers for Magic, Eldritch Diggory and Evangeline Orpington, were the possessors of fine, Ollivander-made poplar wands.

Red Oak

You will often hear the ignorant say that red oak is an infallible sign of its owner’s hot temper. In fact, the true match for a red oak wand is possessed of unusually fast reactions, making it a perfect duelling wand. Less common than English oak, I have found that its ideal master is light of touch, quick-witted and adaptable, often the creator of distinctive, trademark spells, and a good man or woman to have beside one in a fight. Red oak wands are, in my opinion, among the most handsome.

Redwood

Wand-quality redwood is in short supply, yet constant demand, due to its reputation for bringing good fortune to its owner. As is usually the case with wandlore, the general populace have the truth back to front: redwood wands are not themselves lucky, but are strongly attracted to witches and wizards who already possess the admirable ability to fall on their feet, to make the right choice, to snatch advantage from catastrophe. The combination of such a witch or wizard with a redwood wand is always intriguing, and I generally expect to hear of exciting exploits when I send this special pairing out from my workshop.

Rowan

Rowan wood has always been much-favoured for wands, because it is reputed to be more protective than any other, and in my experience renders all manner of defensive charms especially strong and difficult to break. It is commonly stated that no dark witch or wizard ever owned a rowan wand, and I cannot recall a single instance where one of my own rowan wands has gone on to do evil in the world. Rowan is most happily placed with the clear-headed and the pure-hearted, but this reputation for virtue ought not to fool anyone - these wands are the equal of any, often the better, and frequently out-perform others in duels.

Silver lime

This unusual and highly attractive wand wood was greatly in vogue in the nineteenth century. Demand outstripped supply, and unscrupulous wandmakers dyed substandard woods in an effort to fool purchasers into believing that they had purchased silver lime. The reasons for these wands’ desirability lay not only in their unusually handsome appearance, but also because they had a reputation for performing best for Seers and those skilled in Legilimency, mysterious arts both, which consequently gave the possessor of a silver lime wand considerable status. When demand was at its height, wandmaker Arturo Cephalopos claimed that the association between silver lime and clairvoyance was ‘a falsehood circulated by merchants like Gerbold Ollivander (my own grandfather), who have overstocked their workshops with silver lime and hope to shift their surplus’. But Cephalopos was a slipshod wandmaker and an ignoramus, and nobody, Seer or not, was surprised when he went out of business.

Spruce

Unskilled wandmakers call spruce a difficult wood, but in doing so they reveal their own ineptitude. It is quite true that it requires particular deftness to work with spruce, which produces wands that are ill-matched with cautious or nervous natures, and become positively dangerous in fumbling fingers. The spruce wand requires a firm hand, because it often appears to have its own ideas about what magic it ought to be called upon to produce. However, when a spruce wand meets its match - which, in my experience, is a bold spell-caster with a good sense of humour - it becomes a superb helper, intensely loyal to their owners and capable of producing particularly flamboyant and dramatic effects.

Sycamore

The sycamore makes a questing wand, eager for new experience and losing brilliance if engaged in mundane activities. It is a quirk of these handsome wands that they may combust if allowed to become ‘bored,’ and many witches and wizards, settling down into middle age, are disconcerted to find their trusty wand bursting into flame in their hand as they ask it, one more time, to fetch their slippers. As may be deduced, the sycamore’s ideal owner is curious, vital and adventurous, and when paired with such an owner, it demonstrates a capacity to learn and adapt that earns it a rightful place among the world's most highly-prized wand woods.

Vine

The druids considered anything with a woody stem as a tree, and vine makes wands of such a special nature that I have been happy to continue their ancient tradition. Vine wands are among the less common types, and I have been intrigued to notice that their owners are nearly always those witches or wizards who seek a greater purpose, who have a vision beyond the ordinary and who frequently astound those who think they know them best. Vine wands seem strongly attracted by personalities with hidden depths, and I have found them more sensitive than any other when it comes to instantly detecting a prospective match. Reliable sources claim that these wands can emit magical effects upon the mere entrance into their room of a suitable owner, and I have twice observed the phenomenon in my own shop.

Walnut

Highly intelligent witches and wizards ought to be offered a walnut wand for trial first, because in nine cases out of ten, the two will find in each other their ideal mate. Walnut wands are often found in the hands of magical innovators and inventors; this is a handsome wood possessed of unusual versatility and adaptability. A note of caution, however: while some woods are difficult to dominate, and may resist the performance of spells that are foreign to their natures, the walnut wand will, once subjugated, perform any task its owner desires, provided that the user is of sufficient brilliance. This makes for a truly lethal weapon in the hands of a witch or wizard of no conscience, for the wand and the wizard may feed from each other in a particularly unhealthy manner.

Willow

Willow is an uncommon wand wood with healing power, and I have noted that the ideal owner for a willow wand often has some (usually unwarranted) insecurity, however well they may try and hide it. While many confident customers insist on trying a willow wand (attracted by their handsome appearance and well-founded reputation for enabling advanced, non-verbal magic) my willow wands have consistently selected those of greatest potential, rather than those who feel they have little to learn. It has always been a proverb in my family that he who has furthest to travel will go fastest with willow.

Yew

Yew wands are among the rarer kinds, and their ideal matches are likewise unusual, and occasionally notorious. The wand of yew is reputed to endow its possessor with the power of life and death, which might, of course, be said of all wands; and yet yew retains a particularly dark and fearsome reputation in the spheres of duelling and all curses. However, it is untrue to say (as those unlearned in wandlore often do) that those who use yew wands are more likely to be attracted to the Dark Arts than another. The witch or wizard best suited to a yew wand might equally prove a fierce protector of others. Wands hewn from these most long-lived trees have been found in the possession of heroes quite as often as of villains. Where wizards have been buried with wands of yew, the wand generally sprouts into a tree guarding the dead owner’s grave. What is certain, in my experience, is that the yew wand never chooses either a mediocre or a timid owner.

#wands #harry potter #jk rowling #woods #wizards

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