#demons that alien spaceship is underground

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

said this before and i dont think it’s all that significant but i do think it’s a little significant that a good portion of s11 and s12 takes place in dark underground places or tunnels or cave-like things

#theyre underground for a part of ghost monument. arachnids they go under the hotel #tsuranga not really but theyre in a spaceship so i dont know if that counts #probably feels like it counts more bc the doctor wants to Leave #demons that alien spaceship is underground #kerblam they go to the dispatch which is underground #it takes you away they have to go through the antizone #battle i dont know if it's technically underground but it's in big cave like places #resolution they start in a sewer #orpahn 55 underground again #fugitive the tardis is buried #praxeus the alien plastic construct under the sea #cn you hear me spaceship that feels like a cave again #villa diodati cellar #i mean like something something uncovering secrets buried deep #it's probably just practicality or something but it feels like symbolically resonant

[thisliminalspacedaydreams]

ThisLiminalSpace FAQ

Ace♠️ing it Podcast I'm doing with my lovely soulmate B.

On writing fic

On Bookbinding : I allow bookbinds to be made of my fics for personal use/gifts, as long as no money is involved for the exchange (also I love seeing them).

🥐 Salut 🥐 . *gestures to the things*. The things, people. Read at your own risk, bla bla bla.

✨Works✨ JEGULUS💫/WOLFSTAR🐺⭐️ LONG FORM 👽There's something about you, calling to me : The colorless, Alien spaceship soulmate AU ♾️ The sound of your own drowning : The Old Guard AU, exploration of Quynh and Andy's story line as Jegulus. 🌊Heartless : MCD. Davy Jones retelling but I don't listen to the rules and just do what I like, prosed poetry. (Taken down for rework). 👶🏻 I am the moved on : Mpreg jegulus but really not in the way you think. A story with not one (1) mention of actual pregnancy. 🌼 One Thousand Wildflower Fields : A/B/O, underground fighting. Smut. 🦯 Everything I Thought I Knew has Fallen out of View : MCD. Orpheus and Eurydice retelling. Blind James, bargaining as a love language, except it's canon and he's gotta die. 🌎 Le Mange Dieu et le Dévoreur de Mondes : Regulus does not think he deserves good things. It takes 5 years, but James proves him wrong. JEGULUS💫/WOLFSTAR🐺⭐️ ONE SHOTS ⏳Parallel Lines : Inception, a life within a life. My personal fav story. ✉️ To you, who knew me : MCD. What makes everything so hard is that I am so easy to love, but I am the only one thinking so. ⚰️ Roast in Peace : Another fever dream of dumb coffee puns and light smut though it's mostly jokes and humor. 🚬 Kissing other boys : Sharing kisses and cigarettes 👼👿 Raise hell : Angels and demons, soulmates, also known as the Frankeinstein fic 🥐Collars and Croissants : I can't apologise. Croissant date ☕️The Brew : I'm sorry. A/B/O, texting 😢Peak : I just don't want anyone to be happy 🤵🏻‍♂️Runaway Groom : Don't let me get married let's drink wine 🕷All the ways Regulus avoids using the subway : Spiderman James 🧹Save a broom, ride a chaser / Save a snitch, catch a seeker : Established slice of life, fun teeshirt and dino mug 🛳Musical chairs on a sinking ship : MCD. Everyone drinks blood and then dies. A close second favorite. 👻Shadows : I take the french subway too often clearly 😷Of all the things you could ruin, I hope you choose me : I was in my spit Jeggy era please excuse these filthy surgeons. 💦Tell me what you want : I just wanted to make friends with Greenvlvetcouch so I wrote them filth. 🏅Goldeneye : I can't play sports, even imaginary ones.

DRAMIONE✨ 🪄Echoes In Eternity : Gladiator retelling but also definitely not at all, wandlore reevaluation, we're building Horcruxes. Explicit ⚔️ - Dramione - In progress

ERURI🗡️

Your maker: Maple syrup and Titanic, wine&paint and myoelectric arms. Something soft and unshakable: happy birthday Levi

#fanficwriter #fanfiction #jegulus #jegulus fic #jegulus fanfiction #jeggy #jegulus smut

[dailycharacteroption]

Races Among the Stars 5: Drow

Though they are separated by millennia, the universes of Pathfinder and Starfinder are one and the same (annoying little inconsistencies notwithstanding), which means that the world of Golarion alone was host to a multitude of species, most of which most likely survived into the far future of Starfinder, making their own way. We’ve covered a few of those before, of course, mostly with the core races like humans, androids, but most other holdovers already had a space theme, being alien even in that distant past.

Today, however, marks our first review of a playable Starfinder species that were truly a part of that distant high-fantasy past, in this case, the drow, or dark elves.

Like all ancestries from that distant past, the drow retain many elements of their past, while also having evolved with the times. For example, the dark elves are still a ruthless matriarchy, but though it is likely they still to some regard work with demons, the evil they utilize has evolved into brutal and underhanded corporate espionage, and they have rebranded themselves in the Post_Gap universe as merchant-rulers who deal in rare goods and dubiously legal but effective technology and ruthless mercenaries.

Weapons in particular are favored by drow businesses, and the vast majority of their innovation in this regard comes from the nature of their homeworld.

The rogue planetary spaceship Apostae, with it’s many mysteries, monstrous denizens, and vast underground tunnel network is almost a “New Darklands” in the far future, where drow and their orc servitors plumb the depths for new technologies and wonders to reverse-engineer and sell, and they keep a tight lid on foreign access to this cash cow of technological wonders.

 In this far future, drow remain physically similar to their old appearance, being slender elven figures with dark skin ranging from pitch black, purple, or blue, and with pale hair colors ranging from stark white to blonde.

 The drow of the Starfinder era rule over the surface of Apostae in contained cities, where the privileged elite matriarchs of the various houses rule over their lessers, particularly the males of their kind, as well as those that lack the wealth social standing to climb higher. Beneath them are the orcs, half-orcs, and other subordinante peoples on the planet. While not technically slaves by the modern definition, the drow have set of their society in a racist and classist dystopia, where those beneath them are enslaved not by chains, but by propaganda, bureaucracy, and an impenetrable glass ceiling where the only real way to rise above it is to leave entirely, and even that is difficult due to the oppressive laws baked right into their society.

For the drow, at least, one of the easiest ways to get a leg up in their society is yet another fluke of happenstance, as a rare few “drow nobles” with greater innate magical powers are born outside of the noble house families, which such upstarts can leverage to climb the social ladder.

However, much like the distant past, drow are fully capable of seeing the folly of this way of life, and while the process of unlearning the bigotry of their society may be never-ending, they can rise above it and leave it behind.

 Drow are agile and confident, but are somewhat physically frail.

They also possess superior senses like their elven kin, but have superior night vision. However, this works against them if suddenly exposed to bright light.

Like other elves, they also are immune to magical sleep, and resistant to mental magics.

They also gain access to minor magic, letting them conjure lights and sense magic. Furthermore, the psychic nature of this magic gives them a leg-up on learning other psychic powers, including letting them unlock the faerie fire magic of old to limn targets in ghostly flame.

 Drow have many advantages which make them appealing, though their constitution penalty does mean they will prefer to be on the back line or stay hidden, preferring ranged and spellcasting builds over melee. Their biohackers no doubt focus on toxicology and weakening foes from a distance. Meanwhile, charismatic classes like envoy and witchwarper hold a lot of appeal for them, getting their way through charm and a little reality-warping magic. Mechanics and technomancers no doubt usually deal with recovered technology and experimental arms and armaments. Mystics are a decent option if you want to play a drow that taps into the demonic pacts of their people’s pasts or just enjoy old-school magic, while precogs play into the dark elven dexterity and cunning. Nanocytes and Vanguards are a somewhat weak option for them due to their Constitution, but the former could represent coming into contact with a rare advanced technology, and both can still be quite powerful if built right, such as focusing on obscuring their presence and having weapons on hand as a nanocyte, and using range and defense as a vanguard. Operative and ranged soldier or solarian are perfect choices for the drow, striking from the shadows and favoring builds that strike and fade away.

 That does it for today, but we have one last entry this week, one that, until Interstellar Species comes out, we can only speculate on.

#starfinder #race #drow #Alien Archive

[vegalocity]

LMK Animorphs AU

I needed to actually post an AU breakdown for this damn story eventually

On the other side of the galaxy, there exists a race of aliens called the Yeerks. They’re a race of parasitic slugs that upon crawling into a person they can possess and control them. The Yeerk Empire has only one real enemy that stands a true threat against them, a species called Andelites. The Andelites have the Yeerks on both numbers and technological advancement, but their fighting is at a stalemate from the Yeerks’ underhanded military tactics.

Though the Yeerks already have an establishment on Earth they remain impeded by the Andelite forces that keep them at bay. But on Earth, the Andelites are struggling with holding the line.

The Yeerk empire takes the place of the Lady Bone Demon in this AU.

At the end of Episode two, instead of uncovering the area that lead to LBD’s crypt, when DBK struck the ground it gave way into an underground chamber guarded by strange beings and kept within its gloom a strange multi-faceted crystal. These strange creatures fired strange projectile weapons that ate right through a chunk of his armor and a chunk of his flesh as if it were nothing. With no fucking idea as to what had just happened DBK retreated in that moment, and upon Red Son’s return from the weather station demanded his technological expertise upon the wounds and damage.

Red Son, after some analysis, comes to the conclusion that his father’s flesh and armor had… essentially been vaporized. After looking over the footage of a Bull clone that had fallen in before they had to forcibly re-seal the hole DBK had punched, Red Son agrees that the strange creatures below were nothing he’d seen before, and with their technology it almost seemed as though they were…

It almost seemed as though they were extraterrestrials.

This carries into Episode 8, where instead of the Skeleton Key, we have the Inciting Incident in Animorphs.

As Xiaotian is heading back home from FFM and as he’s pole vaulting over the water, he passes above the clouds for just a moment and sees lights dancing, in different, strange colors than simple stars or satellites. And just as he’s out of the cloud line a ship comes crashing down into the desert outside of town. With no better ideas, he calls up Xiaojiao, and the two of them race to the location of the crash.

In the crater of sand and blown glass from impact and heat is a… a spaceship of some kind? It didn’t look like any spaceship he’d ever seen, except maybe in science fiction. Space Travel has become a bit more commonplace than it was long ago, but no one, neither human nor celestial has made it past the solar system yet, Or really even beyond the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter, and all life had been coming FROM Earth, the celestials put the border between the heavenly realm and the physical realm here, the humans the demons, they all came from Earth.

So there’s only one idea between the two of them.

Aliens.

And sure enough when they reach the ship, a panel opens and a blue furry centaur-like creature stumbles out. It speaks not with voice but with thoughts played into either of their heads.

The Alien calls himself Prince Elfangor, that he is an Andelite, and that he is dying. He warns the two of them about the Yeerks, what they do to people, and that they’re already here. He asks them to go inside his ship and find a cube that looks to have stars shimmering inside and bring it out to him. Xiaojiao runs inside as Xiaotian sits with Elfangor, whom gives him a basic rundown on what it is. It’s called the Escafil device, and it allows people access to the Greatest Andelite technology; the ability to morph. Morphing is a sort of tech based shapeshifting, and it’s a technology the Yeerks desperately want. When Xiaojiao comes out with the cube in tow the Alien tells them to use the device if they must, but to hide it from the Yeerks. If they got hold of it they could destroy any who stood in their way. But above all they could be in the minds of anyone. Anyone. Do NOT let your emotions cloud your judgment.

But just then, the enemy tracked down his downed ship and the Alien demanded they both hide themselves. Xiaotian tries to stay with him for longer, and Elfangor then used that time to break down certain things about the Yeerks in higher specificity, until he refused to take no for an answer and Xiaotian was forced to hide alongside Xiaojiao. Elfangor was killed by another of his kind, or apparently, one of his kind that was possessed by a Yeerk. One called Visser 3. They watched as he shapeshifted, or ‘Morphed’, into a being built of nothing but tearing jaws and gnashing teeth. They heard the kind alien’s dying screams. Xiaotian could have sworn from his hiding place that he saw Elfangor look upon him one last time.

They had to run from there. The alien called Visser 3 commanded his troops to search the area for ‘any surviving Andelites’ and the two barely escaped undiscovered.

And granted it's Xiaotian and Xiaojiao, they kiiinndaaaa completely ignore the implied 'trust no one' angle Elfangor gave them and immediately told Pigsy, Tang, and Sandy in the morning.

Thats the premise at least, here's some middle of story stuff:

Visser 3 is in charge of the Earth seige and is their most commonly seen foe

DBK gets infested with Visser 3's higher up, Visser 2

Xiaojiao and Pigsy are the first ones to use Morphing tech, Xiaotian claims he just needs to get hold of the 72 transformations and he's good, Tang and Sandy uninterested as ever in fighting

A lot of Xiaotian's S2 powers manifest earlier because different enemies need different skill sets

Visser 3 thinks his current enemies whom are being as much of a thorn in his side as possible are Andelites that survived their ship being gunned down, and they're thus dubbed 'the Andelite Bandits'

nobody correct him, everybody stay in animal forms, and don't say a word to this creepy fucker.

Aliens are completely out of the fucking Monkey King's wheelhouse, so SWK has no fucking idea what he's looking at come New Years and thus sticks around during S2 because he wouldn't even know what they're facing let alone looking for how to beat it.

to keep the stakes high it turns out that the Yeerks' sci fi death lazers (Dracon Beams) can actually heart SWK pretty badly, he's still covered under the immortality umbrella of course, but a head shot at point blank range can put him out for days at a time.

Before too long, it turns out Elfangor was not the last Andelite on Earth, a message comes out from seemingly at the bottom of the ocean from another, an Aristh (a cadet) about Xiaotian and Xiaojiao's age named Aximili.

#Monkie kid #Lego Monkie Kid #LMK #Animorphs #Animorphs AU #Catch me breaking down as much of Animorphs as I can for the LMK people

[brokehorrorfan]

14 Horror References in Rick and Morty Season 5

Pop culture references are baked into Rick and Morty’s DNA. The Adult Swim animated series originated as a short parody of Back to the Future, after all, and creators Dan Harmon (Community) and Justin Roiland (Solar Opposites) have infused every episode since its 2013 debut with nods to movies, TV, and more.

Rick and Morty's fifth season continues the trend. Here are 14 horror (and genre-adjacent) references that you may have missed, ranging from subtle to overt.

1. Blade in “Mort Dinner Rick Andre”

In the cold open of the season premiere, Morty carries Rick past a crystal showing them dressed as Marvel character Blade and killing vampires. As Rick eloquently puts it, "Were we blades in that one? That's fucking tight." Bonus points for including the DJ.

2. Psycho in “Mort Dinner Rick Andre”

The reveal of Hoovy's wife's skeleton in the Narnia Dimension echoes the reveal of Norma Bates' corpse in Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho.

3. The Terminator in “Mortyplicity”

In the fictitious show When Wolf, the werewolf's method of time travel is based on that of The Terminator. Upon his arrival, he fights Dracula. Now there’s a show I’d watch.

4. The Texas Chain Saw Massacre in “Mortyplicity”

Among the many decoy families Rick created is one reminiscent of The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. Rick wears a skin mask resembling Leatherface.

5. C.H.U.D. in "Rickdependence Spray"

Rick battles a race known as the Chuds, an obvious send-up to C.H.U.D. In the '80s horror cult classic, it's an acronym for cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers; in Rick and Morty, they are cannibalistic, underground-dwelling horse-people.

6. 2001: A Space Odyssey in "Rickdependence Spray"

The post-credit scene revealing Morty's "child" is a reference to the iconic shot of the fetus at the end of 2001: A Space Odyssey, complete with Richard Strauss' "Also Sprach Zarathustra," prominently featured in the film. (A similar gag is repeated three episodes later in "Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion.")

7. Hellraiser in "Amortycan Grickfitti"

The Hell demons prominently featured in the episode are obvious parodies of the Cenobites from the Hellraiser franchise, down to the evil cube that summons them. Instead of Pinhead, the leader is Penhead.

8. Jurassic Park in "Amortycan Grickfitti"

Rick puts a lock on the garage door inspired by Dennis Nedry's computer virus in Jurassic Park. As he explains, "I just watched Jurassic park on cable. So good." Can’t argue that.

9. Annihilation in "Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular"

The government surrounds the Smith's house with an "anti-portal shimmer" similar to the shimmer in Annihilation. No sign of any mutant bears though.

10. Predator and Aliens in "Rick & Morty's Thanksploitation Spectacular"

This episode has several allusions to the Predator and Alien franchises, most notably an alien pilgrim directly stating he got a rifle from a Predator, the Turkey President blowing himself up like the end of Predator, and the President saying "Stay Frosty," a memorable line from Aliens.

11. Voltron in "Gotron Jerrysis Rickvangelion"

Much of this episode pays homage to anime, particularly Voltron (and its Japanese counterpart Beast King GoLion). While that in and of itself may not be a horror connection, the kaiju carnage that ensues is enough to please any monster kid.

12. Re-Animator in "Forgetting Sarick Mortshall"

Upon learning empathy from - and then promptly firing - his two crow companions, Rick tells them, "If I wanted another bleeding heart, I'd inject Re-Animator serum into an actual bleeding heart."

13. The Dark Crystal in "Forgetting Sarick Mortshall"

Upon boarding the alien crows' spaceship, Rick says, "Cool place you got here. Very Dark Crystal meets Hot Topic." Coincidentally, that’s exactly how I describe my aesthetic.

14. Blade Runner in "Rickmurai Jack"

Rick's flashback depicts him in a cyberpunk city eating noodles clad in a brown coat, echoing the introduction of Rick Deckard in Blade Runner. A Vangelis-esque synth cue even plays over the sequence.

Rick and Morty: Season 5 is available now on Steelbook Blu-ray, Blu-ray, and DVD via Warner Bros.

#rick and morty #dan harmon #justin roiland #adult swim #horror #article #list #blade runner #psycho #blade #hellraiser #predator #voltron #jurassic park

[incomingalbatross]

Very, very incomplete list of Canon Facts I love about the Brigadier:

He first met the Doctor in the London Underground while it was being taken over by Yeti, after he’d been sent to take command. Despite all the Nonsense happening, he was relying on the Doctor and the other two scientists there from the start, telling them the group was “relying on them” because he knew brute force wouldn’t work! “Science leads” was a thing from the start with him.

Related: his first reaction to “I have a craft that travels in time and space” is “can it get us out of here?” His reaction to “It looks like a police box” is essentially “Useful information, thank you, let’s try and retrieve it from where you left it.”

The second time we meet him, he’s already formed a UN-backed taskforce for fighting aliens and such, because clearly someone had to!

He also greets the Doctor, who’d just mentioned “time,” by asking if he’s “still making a nonsense of it, Doctor, in your, what was it called? TARDIS?” I mean. SHOW me a better description of the Doctor’s lifestyle than that. I dare you.

The next time we see the Brigadier is in the Third Doctor’s first episode—when UNIT finds an unconscious stranger next to a police box, he immediately takes man and box under his charge because they’re probably connected to the Doctor. Once the Doctor wakes up and helps deal with the Auton invasion, the Brigadier gives him a job.

(Let me just establish, for the record, that on all levels but the physical the Third Doctor is a cranky, bratty, obnoxious teenager trying to convince people he’s Cooler Than Them. The Brigadier puts up with this with sterling patience and good-will.)

The Brigadier basically spends half the Third Doctor’s era defending British/human/military nature to the Doctor, and the other half defending the Doctor from British/human/military bureaucrats. And he never lets his problems with either spill over to the other side.

...He gave the Doctor employment. He employed the Doctor. Imagine.

He also, at some point, bought him a car. The car was a bright yellow Edwardian jalopy, so the Doctor definitely picked her out, but the Brigadier must have done the actual buying. Love that thought.

One time he walked into the Doctor’s lab just as the TARDIS dematerialized (courtesy of the Time Lords) and responded by saying firmly, “Doctor, come back at once!” And (at the end of the adventure) the TARDIS came back the moment he said it. It was great.

Genuinely the last time we see him fazed by anything is in The Three Doctors, 1973. That was it.

(I’m forgetting a ton of Good Facts from Three’s era, but I have to note that the Doctor continued living at UNIT for years after he regained free use of the TARDIS, only going out for brief excursions and then coming back. He STAYED. I don’t think anything remotely like this happened again until Eleven or Twelve.)

The Brigadier is, in fact, the only person on record to react to the Doctor regenerating in front of him with “Well, here we go again.”

Post-regeneration, the Fourth Doctor mistook him for Alexander the Great and Hannibal before recognizing him for real.

The Doctor gave him a “Space-Time Telegraph” that was hooked up to the TARDIS, so he could get in contact if he needed to. Literally the only person to have a reliable way to contact the Doctor until the New Series, when he has a phone number. Before that? Just the solitary STT.

The next time we meet him after Four’s departure from UNIT he has amnesia for a good chunk of the story, but it’s still remarkable that he’s there—former characters didn’t make return appearances. It didn’t happen in Classic Who. And yet there he was, meeting Five.

In The Five Doctors he gets to hang out with three different Doctors he already knows at once! He also knocks out the Master with one punch, which is just funny.

The Five Doctors also establishes that the Brigadier canonically does not know what fear feels like.

In the Seventh Doctor story Battlefield, he not only comes out of his well-earned retirement to look after the Doctor, but demonstrates that by now he can recognize the Doctor regardless of his current face. (”So you recognize, me, then?” “Yes. *fond chuckle* Who else would it be?”)

Honestly all of his time in Battlefield is gold. So instantly comfortable with Seven, and vice versa—no angst, no uneasiness, just old friends happy to work together again.

AND, of course, there’s the bit where the Doctor’s preparing to go fight the monster... Brigadier: “Good lord, is that a spaceship?” *Doctor turns to look* *Brig sucker-punches him, knocking him out, and grabs the gun*

AND

Brigadier, leveling a pistol at the giant blue demon-monster: “Get off my world.”

“Pitiful. Can this world do no better than you as a champion?”

“Probably. I just do the best I can.” *BANG* *BANG* *BANG*

THE ACTUAL GREATEST

(Side note, this makes me so mad at Ten in “Christmas Invasion”. You don’t get to claim “Champion of Earth”!! Not when the ACTUAL Champion responded like this!!)

Then he defeats the narrative itself by not dying after coming out of retirement and killing the monster alone. Because he’s just that good.

In The Sarah Jane Adventures we got to see him again and he’s still wonderful!! Also he has a cane which is actually a gun.

There’s been a Lethbridge-Stewart in every multi-Doctor story except The Two Doctors. The Brigadier has also met all the Classic Doctors except Six onscreen, in canon episodes of the show.

Bonus: absolutely bonkers EU “facts” about the Brigadier!!

When he was young he went to the Underworld and had a romance with Persephone. Then he had his mind wiped, but it came up again at some point after he knew the Doctor.

He had a brother, but the brother was killed and then erased from everyone’s memories by the Great Intelligence when they were kids (like the Persephone thing, this was all before he ever met the Doctor).

In summary: he’s unflappable, he has an endless supply of dry snark, he has no ego, he’s an Officer and a Gentleman and the soul of honor, and he’s a constant in the Doctor’s life and basically his dad and I love him.

#brigadier alistair gordon lethbridge-stewart #the brigadier #doctor who #classic who #also his audio play with Six is really good #i accept it as canon but it couldn't go here because i was doing show-only

[theultimateegghead-blog]

Minigun enthusiast, the heavy weapon masters!

The minigun, also known as a Gatling gun or a chain gun is a very powerful weapon. Known for its destructive force, large size and large weight, the Gatling gun is not a weapon most can wield. Users of this weapon are often very strong. They can take a ton of damage before falling and can mow down just about anything. These guys are not the type to charge head on against. They have a weakness though, they tend to be slow, the weight of the weapon slows them down, leaving them vulnerable to flanking and ambushes. Despite these weaknesses, they can serve as powerful allies or deadly foes.

Vulcan Raven (Metal Gear Solid) An Alaskan Shaman and member of Foxhound. Allegedly strong enough to carry six men at once. This spiritually sensitive college graduate swore allegiance to the Russia despite being a national born American. Eventually he became a mercenary and a member of Foxhound. Vulcan attacks Snake while riding a tank. Snake, thinking on his feet, managed to destroy the tank. Vulcan survived the tank’s destruction and would later confront Snake in a freezer. In this one on one battle, Raven uses his signature minigun and can easily blow snake away. After a difficult battle, Snake defeats Raven, and Raven spent his last moments being eaten alive by his pet crows… A truly gruesome end. Raven makes a cameo in MGS2 as a small action figure.

Bastion (Overwatch) The last of the Bastions, one of the destructive forces of the Omnic Crisis. Bastion has lost its programming and is now a more peaceful, albeit dangerous, machine. It speaks in whistles and chimes that are often incomprehensible. It has a fondness for birds and nature. It has a good relationship with Torbjörn and will fight if needed. In combat it can use an arm mounted machine gun or take on its siege mode. In siege mode, its main gun is a Gatling gun that can obliterate entire enemy teams, making Bastion a good pick for defensive strategies such as payload guarding. Overall a powerful member of the overwatch roster.

Spider Mastermind (DOOM) The spider mastermind is the leader behind hell’s invasion. In both the original doom and the 2016  reboot they serve as the final boss. The Spider mastermind is a large brain like demon that rides upon a four legged battle tank. This tank is armed with a chain gun which can mow the doom guy down in seconds. The spider mastermind has smaller versions that act as underlings. When confronted it will attempt to shoot down the doom guy. The doom guy will have to pump a ton of bullets, energy cells and rockets into this beasts ugly mug until it goes down in a satisfying explosion.

Jorge (Halo Reach) Jorge is a member of the spartan Noble team. A native of planet Reach, Jorge is among one of the oldest Spartans. He is known for his gentle nature, and proficiency with his Minigun. Jorge accompanies Noble six on multiple occasions, being one of the first to act openly friendly to the newcomer. Sadly, Jorge would sacrifice himself relatively early in the story to destroy a covenant spaceship. He dies thinking he saved planet Reach. This sacrifice is ultimately in vain, as a whole armada shows up shortly after.

"Serious" Sam Stone (Serious Sam) Sam Stone is a one man army. He stands between humanity and the alien armies of the demented Mental. While the minigun is not his only weapon, it is one that he is rather fond of. When armed with the minigun, Sam can tear through the hundreds if not thousands of foes that will charge him down. This gun can be Sam’s best friend in the most serious of situations. Be careful, while you don’t need to reload, you can burn through ammo fast.

Rico Velasquez (Killzone) A heavy weapon lover with a bad attitude and a tendency to make bad decisions. He is often criticized for being annoying, a bad shot and often doing more bad than good in the situation. Rico is armed with a powerful chain gun that can mow down almost anything that confronts him. He can be a powerful ally in a firefight. Despite all this he is considered to be one of the, if not them most disliked character in Killzone… They cant all be winners.

Hans Grosse (Wolfenstein) Hans is a recurring villain from the Wolfenstein series. This high ranking Nazi is a brutal man with a love for chain guns. In fact, his whole family has a love for chain guns! While not the brightest member of the Nazi regime, Hans makes up for it with brute strength. He is the most recurring boss in the series and is in some ways the rival to the main hero Bj Blazkowicz. He is known for giving a cheerful mocking “Guten Tag” greeting in his native language before opening fire. A cocky and cruel member of this list, and one that has tasted defeat many times.

Old hunter Djura (Bloodborne) Some hunters pester you in the land of Yharnam, Djura does this in spades. Sitting high on top of a clock tower, Djura protects the beast he swore to destroy. In this twisted sense of justice he will open fire upon you when he sees you. This makes the trek through old Yharnam dangerous and harrowing. Eventually you can ascend his tower, perhaps you can forge a alliance. This alliance will be shaky however, and he might open fire on you again if you choose to attack the rabid beast. Alternatively you can fight him, beware, for he is a skilled hunter. Upon his defeat, you can reap his equipment as a reward.

Fawkes (Fallout 3) The wasteland is a dangerous, hostile place. Nothing embodies the sheer brutality of the waste more than the super mutants. These mutants are almost always hostile, though this one is a exception. Fawkes is a well mannered super mutant with a strong sense of right and wrong. He is polite and well-mannered but does have the primal rage of his brethren. In combat, Fawkes wields a Gatling laser gun that makes mine meat of almost anything in the game. He has one condition for following you, your karma must be good. He despises evil people. Fawkes enjoys reading about history, and will make his home in the museum of history if he is not following you. Be weary if you decide to fight him, as he has the second highest hp amount in the game, the first being liberty prime.

JJ (Resident Evil) JJ is a violent Plagas variant that appears in resident evil 4. It should be noted that a very similar version appears in RE5 as well. JJ sports a minigun that can decimate his foes health and even blow away any allies stupid enough to get in front of him. JJ can be surprisingly fast despite the minigun and is thus a very dangerous foe. When JJ is fought, it is best to avoid him, stay out of his line of fire and take out as many other enemies as you can before engaging. Try to flank or get above him if possible, and try not to get cornered. JJ can melee you if you get to close. After taking a ton of punishment, JJ will eventually fall. In RE5 gold edition, Chris can use a minigun and give JJ a taste of his own medicine.

Misha "The Heavy Weapons guy" (Team Fortress 2) Ah the Heavy, this list would not be complete without him. The heavy weapons guy is one of the nine playable classes in the online shooter Team Fortress 2. The Heavy is a dangerous foe in combat, with a love for giant guns, sandwiches, and a medic behind him at all times. The heavy is slow in combat yet has the most health of all 9 classes. The heavy should not be attacked head on unless survivability is ensured, such as being ubered. The Heavy hails from Russia and fights in the gravel wars to send funds back to his family, which consist of his mother and three sisters. He has a true fondness for his guns, which he affectionally names, such as Sahsa or Natascha. While he may seem dim witted, Misha is actually quite intelligent, and by no means should be challenged to a boxing match…

 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

These guys must keep their ammo reserves ridiculously high to maintain a steady flow of combat. While often slow, they are obscenely powerful and can win most one on one fights. Whether friend or foe it is best to stay out of their way. Thanks for reading, and join next time as we look at some more levels, this time we go back underground, and be warned, its gonna be a spooky time.

#metal gear solid #overwatch #doom #gaming #halo #serious sam #killzone #wolfenstein #bloodborne #fallout #resident evil #team fortress 2 #tf2 #heavy #minigun #Video Games #to do list

[dustedandsocial]

June, previously. The end of the month rundown of what was best in June: but in July. June: July. There’s plenty where June came from. Christ’s Kingdom is eternal. June (July)

Was on vacation at the end of last month and forgot to upload this June rundown. So here it is. I’m better than Pitchfork. I’ll fight everyone at Vice HQ. I unearth more underground music than The Wire and The Quietus combined. I’m the best. Down with all with music mags, sites for profit, music content subsidiaries of Old Spice, Monster Energy Beat Camp etc. Bring info exchange to the fans, build the community, Patreons for our celebrated writers, donations for our artists, down with the for-profit content factory. Long live the independent, community-oriented content factory. I’m #1.

Here, this:

Rock, hard rock, rock music, rock and roll, heavy hard rock

Full-Lengths Acolytes - Rupture LP (Alter) Al Doum & The Faryds - Spirit Rejoin LP (Black Sweat) Alameda 4 - Czarna Woda CD (Instant Classic) Big Blood - Operate Spaceship Earth Properly LP (Feeding Tube) Boyhood - Bad Mantras LP (Shuffling Feet) [nice follow-up to their underappreciated lp from a few years back, although a bit more traditionally pop] Brian Case - Plays Paradise Artificial LP (Hands In The Dark) Chaos Echœs - Mouvement LP (Nuclear War Now!) Danielle Dahl - Loosening Orion's Belt CS (Abstract Tits) Dreebs - Forest of a Crew LP (Ramp Local) The End - Svårmod Och Vemod Är Vardesinnen LP (RareNoise) [complete rager] Eugene Chadbourne, Steve Beresford, Alex Ward - Pleasures Of The Horror LP (Bisou) Flesh Narc - Pillow Talk CD (Heavy Baby) H E X - BLDG CS (Wetwear) Ivan The Tolerable - Le Monde Inversé 10" (Vinyl, Ack! Ack! Ack!) [far removed from prior Ben Wallers homages, Ivan brings something unexpected to every new release] Jukka Nousiainen - Ei enää kylmää eikä pimeää CD (Jukan Musiikki) [the only rock star on earth] Larry Wish & His Guys - The Mouth is the Most Promising CS (Bumpy) Maxine Funke - Home Fi CS (Brierfield Flood Press) [lo-fi folk, every song a winner] Palberta - Roach Going Down LP (Wharf Cat) Patois Counselors - Proper Release LP (Ever Never) Slushy Guts - The Blasted Stump CS (Cusp Recordings) [most underrated band in the UK] Society's Decline - No Angel On The Shoulder Of The World LP (Skrammel / Kibou) [favorite hardcore record in quite some time, pretty straightforward, thuggish. Brainbombs approved] Stefan Christensen - City Code LP (Knotwilg) Überkrøppling - Sådan Ka' Det Gång Gadagång (Mastermind) Uniform & The Body - Mental Wounds Not Healing LP (Sacred Bones) VA - Para Cuando En Mi Te Mueras  20 Unearthly Sissy And Sassy Hits CS (Comidillo Tapes) Yunclas - De lingua ad mortem CS (Grabaciones Autobombo)

Singles, EPs, Demos

Alienation - Bitter Reality 7" EP (Warthog Speak) [best hardcore band in north america] Chloe Alison Escott - Hard Femme in Argyle EP (Self-Released) Cremalleras - Mercado Negro 12" (Thrilling Living) Dead C - On The Outbreak Of Civil War 7" (I Dischi Del Barone) Dame Area - Immagina il passato- ricorda il futuro CS (U-Bac) DEAFKIDS - Espiral da Loucura (Self-Released) Full of Hell / Intensive Care - Split 7" EP (Anthems of the Undesirable) HEX [UK]- TOUR DEMO 2018 (Self-Released) Ivan The Tolerable - Ring Around The Country 8" EP (Endless Records) La Misma - Negociac¸o~es De Paz Continuam Como As Fabulas 7" (Toxic State) Lion's Cage - Lion's Cage 7" EP (Heavy Dose) Perverted Ceremony - Perverted Ceremony 12" (Nuclear War Now!) Pig Frenzy - Pig Frenzy CS (Smikkelbaard) Pineapple RnR - Pineapple Rik n Roll 7" EP (Lumpy) Puke Puddle - Detox CS (Epileptic Media) Pumice - Platelets 7" (Soft Abuse) Sect Pig - Crooked Backs CD (Nuclear War Now!) SSRi - SSRi CS (Sexy Romance) Stef Ketteringham - Marcos' Bomber Jacket 8" (Endless) Thackery Earwicket - Lost My Heart In Space CS (Un je-ne-sais-quoi) Urbanoia - Nådeløs Vold 12" (Byllepest Distro) [*Pictured] YOR - YOR THE FUTURE CS (U-Bac)

Experimental, Avant-Garde, who even knows

◉ ╋ ◑ Stefano Pilia & Massimo Pupillo - κένωσις (Kenosis) LP (Soave) Black Crumbs - Black Crumbs CS (Chthonic ) City Dragon - Owl Drugs CS (Andesground Label) Dan Olsson - Relaxing and Stress Relieving Music for Smartphone Users CS (Zeon Light) Embassador Dulgoon - Hydrorion Remnants LP (Nonlocal Research) Gate - Winter Songs LP (8mm) Gonçalo F Cardoso - Impressões De Uma Ilha (Unguja) LP (Edições CN) Helicopter Quartet - Last Death of the Phoenix (Self-Released) i_like_dog_face - Sleepless Illusions LP (Hot Releases) Lärmschutz - Fruits CS (Faux Amis) Laurie & Olly - Ample Profanity LP (Slip) Micromelancolié - Streaming CS (Never Anything) Monopoly Child Star Searchers - Make Mine, Macaw II LP (Discrepant) Noel Meek and Cameron Stallones - ADVENTURES IN OBJECT-HOOD! CS (Ikuisuus) Officina Errante - Recorder! Ricorda CS (Linear Obsessional) Ophüls - The Demons (Sentencia) [*Pictured] Stilluppsteypa - Beach Jolanda LP (Ultra Eczema) Sunk Heaven - Where All Sides Collapse LP (Hot Releases) URBI-FLAT - 8 Petites Pièces De Variété LP (Replica) VA - Studies On Regression Of Organic Substances And Sounds CDr (Sounds Against Humanity) Will Guthrie x TSAATAN - Will Guthrie x TSAATAN (Noise Bombing) Yngel - Indonesia CS (Insula / Abstract Tits)

Free Jazz, Fake Jazz, music with instruments and no vocals, etc

BACZKOWSKI ∕ PADMANABHA - Mastoid Process 7'' (Iron Lung) Charlie Morrow - Toot! Too LP (Recital) Didi Kern & Philipp Quehenberger - LINZ LP (Shameless Rocks) Evan Parker & Eddie Prévost - Tools of Imagination (Fundacja Sluchaj) Flamingo - LOUD CD (Relative Pitch) Grabek - Day One CD (Gusstaff) Konstrukt - Oryantal 12" (Holidays) Les Conférences Bunker - Malédiction / Bénédiction (Self-Released) [*Pictured] Madalyn Merkey - Happy Birthday Julie Moon! (Self-Released) Malaikat dan Zoo - Malaikat dan Zoo (Noise Bombing) Marc Sinan & Oguz Buyukberber - White (ECM) Michel Kristof and Vinnie Paternostro - A Place You Could Not See... (Muteant Sounds) Nathan Corder and Tom Weeks - Anaconda (Noise Pelican) Oiseaux-Tempête - طرب TARAB LP (Sub Rosa) R A I C - Symbiosis- Vol. 1 CS (Lurker Bias) Sam Weinberg, Teté Leguía, Weasel Walter - Weinberg / Leguía / Walter CD (Buh) Toad - Toad LP (La Nòvia) Verneri Pohjola & Mika Kallio - Animal Image LP (Edition Records) WIG - Music For Birds (CRAM)

Reissues, Archival

Agathocles - If This Is Gore, What's Meat Then LP [Rec. 1988-1990] (Nuclear War Now!) Anima - Anima [Orig. 1972] (Pilz) Anima - Der regt mich auf [Orig. 1982] (Ohr) Anima - Stürmischer Himmel [Orig. 1971] (Ohr) Basa Basa - Homowo LP [Orig. 1979] (Vintage Voudou / Bombay Connection) Blurt - Blurt / Singles CS [Rec. 1980-1984] (Post-Materialization Music) Carsickness - 1979-1982 (Get Hip) Crack Cloud - Crack Cloud LP [Rec. 2016-2017] (Meat Machine) Dimitris Kamarotos - Electromagnetic Landscapes (Unreleased Recordings 1983-2016) LP (Intersonik) Dive - Concrete Jungle 2xLP [Orig. 1993] (Mecanica) Frank Hurricane - Holy Archives Vol. 1 LP [Rec. 2010-2012] (No Fidelity Audio) Graham Lambkin - No Better No Worse (Vol 2) [Rec. 2001-2007] (Self-Released) Happy Rhodes - Ectotrophia 2xLP [Rec. 198x] (Numero Group) Heroin in Tahiti - Casilina Tapes 2010-2017 LP (Boring Machines) Jean-Marie MASSOU - La citerne de Coulanges LP [Rec. 1978] (Vert Pituite La belle) John Foxx - Metamatic 3xCD [Orig. 1980, Remastered] (Metamatic) Jonah Dan - Intergalactic Dub Rock LP [Orig. 1995] (Bokeh Versions) Joanne Forman - Cave Vaults of the Moon LP [Rec. 1987] (Séance Centre) Mercy - Mercy LP [Orig. 1984] (Nuclear War Now!) Mercy - Swedish Metal / Session 1981 LP (Nuclear War Now!) Morgen - Morgen LP [Orig. 1969] (Replica) Muziekkamer - II - Popmuziek LP [Orig. 1983] (Contort Youself) Pacewon - The Pacewon Affect [Rec. 1999] (Roc-a-Blok / Ruffhouse / Blingnot) Plastic EP & The Records - Best Of 7" EP [Rec. 1981-1982] (Xerox Music) Plastic EP & The Records - Well You Want To Make A Record 7" EP [Rec. 1981] (Xerox Music) Poulson Studio - Poulson Studio CS [Rec. 200x] (Albert's Basement) Pseudocode - Next One's Called LP [Rec. 1980-1982] (Sub Rosa) Sam McClellan - Music of the Five Elements LP [Orig. 1982] (Séance Centre) Shahara Ja - I'm An Arabian Knight (Egyptian Lover Remixes) (Left Ear) Sprung Aus Den Wolken - The Story of Electricity LP [Orig. 1986] (Vestibular) [*Pictured]   Sprung Aus Den Wolken - Sprung Aus Den Wolken EP [Orig. 1981] (Vestibular) VA - Crumbling Concrete and Rusted Iron? A Soviet Punk Cassette, 1985-1992 CS (No Label) VA - Polish Dark Wave 1982-1989 CS (No Label) VA - Satan In Love - Rare Finnish Synth-Pop & Disco 1979-1992 2xLP (Svart) VA - Studio 12 (Recordings 1980-1984) 5xLP+7" (Blowpipe / Vinyl-On-Demand) UTON - See You On The Other Side [Rec. 2012-2016] (Lactofermented Subconsciousness)

Electronic

Afrodeutsche - Break Before Make CS (Skam) Asger & William Kudahl - Tilnærmelser II 7" (Resonans) Asger Kudahl - Sketches for Revolution LP (Resonans) Bary Center - Betrayal CS (Always Human Tapes) Bead - Deploy Tomorrow's Rations (Self-Released) Belp - Hippopotamus LP (Jahmoni Music) Benedikt Frey - New Now 12" (Live At Robert Johnson) Bill Westerby - KL02 CS (Kavalanic Languages) Boothroyd - Pure Country LP (Fnord Communications) CAPELO - Baby Boom LP (Le Syndicat Des Scorpions) Cosmic Force - Transmitting Illicit Logic 12" (Something Happening, Somewhere) Cleveland - Tusk 12" (ESP Institute) Dravier - Height CS (Jungle Gym) Fluxion - Ripple Effect 2xLP (Vibrant Music) Foodman - Pokopoko CS (Plastic Bags) Graham Dunning - Way Too Much Time 12" (Adaadat) Grøn - Ingen Skår I Frosne Haver CS (Infinite Waves) Haircuts For Men - Possessions LP (Self-Released) HMOT - Inside the Black Box EP (Self-Released) HMOT - Permanent Imbalance 12" (oqko) Jako Maron - The electro Maloya experiments of Jako Maron (Nyege Nyege) Jigga - lillllill LP (Bedouin) Krypton 81 - Concorde (Blind Allies) [*Pictured]   Laksa - Delicates 12" (Ilian Tape) L/F/D/M - X-Enter-O 12" (Midnight Shift) Lee Noble - Q EP (Longform Editions) Lokier - Last One 12" (Squirrels On Film) LQ & Headland - Fat Neck 7" (ZamZam) Magic From Space - Ioeoular CS (Plastic Response) Oscar Mulero - Electric Shades 2xLP (Token) ótimoKaráter - Da Clínica CS (Meia-Vida) Théo Spécial - Ivory 12" (Bordello A Parigi) VA - The Black Wig Throw Off 12" (Contort Yourself) VA - Nein To Five (Nein Records) VA - Patina Echoes 2xLP (Timedance) Violent Quand On Aime - Violent Quand On Aime LP (Knekelhuis) Zuli - Trigger Finger 12" (Haunter)

Hip-Hop Rap

(Liv).e & 10.4 ROG - ​hoopdreams​ EP 03 Greedo - God Level 70th Street Carlos - Loosies (Download C/0) A.G. - The Taste Of AMBrosia ALLBLACK - Outcalls Bandgang Lonnie Bands - Loosies (Download C/0) Bisk - Hardcorepimpfunk Cash Click Boog - Indictment Music Cdot Honcho - Head Honcho EP Chief Keef - Ottopsy EP Chris Crack - Let's Just Be Friends Chris Crack - This Will All Make Sense Later EP Co Cash - Foolhardy DSR Splurge - Hollywood Dopeboy EP  E L U C I D x Haj of Dumhi - No Edge Ups In Uganda Eludem - Films for the Mind IAMSU - 06 Solara Larry June - Sock It to Me, Pt. 2 Lil Blood - Ndugu Lil Yase - Winners Circle MIKE - Renaissance Man Rico Nasty - Nasty Shootergang JoJo - Free Jojo Ski Mask the Slump God - Get Dough Presents EP The Skull Eclipses - The Skull Eclipses Snypa, Rx Peso, Scarfo Da Plug & Drugrixh Hect - Wraith Talk Rx Drug Rixh SOB X RBE & Big Money - Tutuland EP Spitta - Let Me Eat 3 Starlito & MobSquad Nard - Open Cases EP Westside Gunn - Supreme Blientele ZachBlackDiamonds - FreezaMode: All This Ice [Awful-affiliated. Taken down off SNDCLD/BNDCMP, DL HERE] [*Pictured]

(Also made six mixes in June, which cover much of the ground presented in this post: check them out HERE)

#monthly

[trickormemes]

148 Horror Writing Prompts

Send me a number 1 thru 148 for a horror prompt that I’ll use to either write a drabble or starter. Send 💀  for a random number instead. ‘Read-more’ added for length. WARNING: contains potentially triggering material. Always make sure your roleplay partner is comfortable with these themes! (SOURCE)

001. — "the nightmare box” 002. ��� abandoned asylum 003. — abandoned city 004. — abandoned hospital 005. — abandoned house 006. — aliens 007. — apocalypse 008. — attack of the giant [_____] 009. — axe / chainsaw murder 010. — body horror 011. — brainwashing 012. — bride / groom is a monster 013. — buried alive 014. — can’t get out of the building 015. — can’t get out of the city 016. — cannibals 017. — Cassandra Curse 018. — cemetery 019. — changelings 020. — chest burster 021. — chimeras 022. — classic ghost stories 023. — corporeal ghosts 024. — crashed spaceship 025. — cults 026. — dark magic 027. — dead the entire time 028. — deadly cute thing (bunny, stuffed toy, killer tomato, etc.) 029. — deal with the devil 030. — demons 031. — doomsday device 032. — dream or reality? 033. — driven mad by guilt 034. — dystopian future 035. — everyone is affected but you 036. — evil artifact 037. — evil asylum 038. — evil body part 039. — evil doll 040. — evil fog / mist

041. — evil mirror universe 042. — evil plantlife 043. — evil psychic abilities 044. — evil robots 045. — evil weather 046. — evil self-help program 047. — evil / mutant / monster baby 048. — evil children 049. — experiments on pregnant women 050. — facelessness 051. — fatal attraction 052. — fate worse than death 053. — fictional creations coming to life 054. — fire 055. — forced to kill a transformed loved one 056. — flesh-eating disease 057. — Frankenstein creation 058. — gore 059. — Halloween 060. — haunted building 061. — hauntings 062. — homicidal alternate personality 063. — homicidal hitchhiker 064. — horror in broad daylight 065. — humanity enslaved 066. — hunted in the woods 067. — inanimate objects come to life 068. — insane evil genius 069. — insects 070. — it lives underground 071. — it’s always daytime 072. — it’s always nighttime 073. — killer’s POV 074. — locked in with something deadly 075. — loss of sanity 076. — mad science 077. — magician’s act gone wrong 078. — malicious medical professional 079. — malignant genius loci 080. — masks 081. — maze 082. — mutants 083. — nuclear winter 084. — not paranoia / properly paranoid 085. — obsessed stalker 086. — one of us is infected 087. — one of us is posessed 088. — parasites 089. — pets turning evil 090. — phobias 091. — plague 092. — playing chess with death 093. — pod people 094. — poltergeist 095. — portal to Hell 096. — posession 097. — prank gone horribly wrong 098. — prehistoric evil 099. — prolonged isolation 100. — prophecy of doom 101. — psychopath 102. — purgatory 103. — rabid animals 104. — radiation 105. — religious apocalypse 106. — resurrection gone horribly wrong 107. — scary drugs 108. — sentient building 109. — sentient technology 110. — serial killer 111. — sharing body with another entity 112. — slasher movie story 113. — sleepwalking 114. — snowed into an isolated house 115. — snuff movie 116. — something in the darkness 117. — something in the walls 118. — something in the lake 119. — something is watching you 120. — song / movie / picture that drives you mad 121. — song / movie / picture that kills 122. — technohorror 123. — telling scary stories 124. — the monsters are us 125. — the mummy 126. — circus / theme park gone horribly wrong 127. — things that no human should know 128. — town with a dark secret 129. — trapped in a town you can’t leave 130. — unintentionally lethal to other people 131. — unique method of murder 132. — unjustified death sentence 133. — unreliable narrator 134. — unseen evil 135. — unwanted invisibility 136. — unwanted psychic abilities 137. — urban legends 138. — vampires 139. — virus 140. — viral apocalypse 141. — we’re the last people alive 142. — werewolves 143. — where did everybody go? 144. — wild animals 145. — worst fear realized 146. — you’ve turned into the monster you’re fighting 147. — zombies 148. — zombie apocalypse

#roleplay meme #rp meme #rp prompts #roleplay prompts #horror prompts #inbox meme #ask meme #send me a number #*mine

[the-delta-42]

11th Doctor Sonic Screwdriver

Owner: Eleventh Doctor/Matt Smith

First Appearance: Prisoner 0

Last Appearance: Time of the Doctor/The Magicians Apprentice

Uses: Trying (unsuccessfully) to open the exit back into Starship UK.

Opening the chest plate of an android's controls.

Opening the entrance hatch of a space ship.

Breaking open padlocks.

Locking the TARDIS doors.

Opening the gate to the London Underground.  

Opening up a discarded Dalek dome.

Bypassing Dalek security seals.

Opening up control panels in Kaalann.  

Closing and locking a door to a Cyber-conversion room. 

Unlocking Cyber-conversion unit manacles.  

Opening an electronic door. 

Opening the door to a time ship.

To open, close and lock the Pandorica.

Unlocking the door to Melody's room.

Unlocking Amy's restraints.

Locking and failing to unlock the TARDIS.

Unlocking a grating.

Locking a grating into place.

Closing doors inside a Cyber Ship.

Opening doors on Demons Run.

Opening a fake door.

Sealing the trapdoor that Gantok fell down, out of fear of the carnivorous skulls.

Unlocking Dalek prisoner restraints.

Turning off the defence system of Kahler-Jex' ship.

Locking a door in the Great Intelligence Institute office.

Stripping away the disguise around the Great Intelligence's voice. 

Unlocking the door of the Maitland home.

Unlocking the door of an aeroplane's cockpit.

Opening the secret entrance to the Doctor's tomb.

Disabling a Sontaran invisibility field to leave two Sontarans invading the town of Christmas defenceless against the Papal Mainframe.  

Forcing a star whale to regurgitate by overloading its chaemo-receptors.

Simultaneously healing and analysing wounds.

Scanning lifeforms to determine how integrated into a host body they are.  

Scanning piles of dust for traces of people.

Scanning an infection.  

Unwittingly pleasing a Krafayis.

Stunning the Silence.

Confirming how long Idris's body has before the TARDIS Matrix causes it to die.

Scanning the Flesh.

Detecting differences between Gangers and humans.

Dissolving Gangers.

Detecting if a person was fatally wounded.

Stunning the Rutan Lady Winters.

Scanning the deceased to determine what caused death with no success.

Scanning for life signs.

Scanning pieces of what used to be the Ice Governess.

Stripping away the disguise of the Great Intelligence.

Melting the Ice Governess using the new anti-freeze setting.  

Trying but failing to melt the Ice Governess again once she came back.

Stripping away the disguise of a Spoonhead.

Scanning the people in an aeroplane to find out that they were unconscious.

Scanning Starship UK's engine room to determine that there was no actual engine powering the spaceship.  

Scanning voting booth for memory erasing function.

Scanning Father Octavian's computer.  

Determining the nature of the cracks throughout time and space, which was "extremely very not good."

Scanning for heat signatures.  

Scanning Stonehenge.  

Helping trace who received the Pandorica's summons.

Scanning the Pandorica.

Scanning with a parabolic satellite dish for an exploding TARDIS.

Scanning a vortex manipulator to see if it was wired into something.  

Confirming the isomorphic nature of a control panel.

Scanning boxes of stolen NASA equipment to confirm that they are just what they look like.

Scanning a spacesuit.  

Confirming if a nano-recorder was on telepathic transmission or a replay.

Confirming the nature of an alien life-support system.

Scanning for Hypercube transmissions to locate their source.  

Scanning for monsters and how powerful they were.

Scanning dimensional lesions.

Detecting electrical interference.

Confirming increased sulphur emissions.

Scanning a Dalek's database for information, specifically anything that his oldest enemies knew about the Silence.

Scanning a Headless Monk head box to confirm its contents.

Scanning Albert Einstein's liquid to determine if it was the ingredient he thought he needed to make a time machine.

Scanning the life-force transference crown.  

Detecting a magnetic field.

Scanning a load of rocks and wood, determining that they were just that.

Scanning the electric lights in Mercy to determine how far advanced the technology was.

Scanning a Weeping Angel.

Scanning a frozen pond.

Scanning the melted Ice Governess to make sure she was gone and draining through the carpet.

Scanning a Cybermite.

Scanning the Doctor's time stream.

Detecting the progress of the War Doctor's calculation in his iteration of the sonic screwdriver.

Isolating the lighting so that the Weeping Angels could not drain the power.

Redirecting all the power to the doors in order to open them.

Uploading proximity-alerting software to Amy's communicator.

Detecting the location of lights.  

Exploding lightbulbs.

Hacking into computer records.

Activating bio-programmed soil.

Disabling Silurian weapons.

Accessing the Visualiser eye and repowering it.  

Tampering with the Dalek Emperor's casing.

Activating a Dalek console trap.  

Constructing a Dalek Vision Disruptor.  

Fixing platform lift control panels.

Disassembling a Chronon Blocker.

Activating emergency light switches.  

Turning on the lights inside a generator.  

Setting the TARDIS on its "adventure setting".

Unsuccessfully attempting to free Sophie's hand from the time ship console.  

Changing a hologram between its different forms.

To send a signal through to Amy's communicator to help guide her through a forest.

Scrambling a Cyberarm's circuits.  

Giving orders to androids.  

To reconfigure the binaries in the TARDIS.  

Disabling a force field.

Hailing the Eleventh Doctor's sonic cane.

Disabling privileges from the Teselecta's crew.

Activating George's toys.  

Detaching the view glass from the visitation facility.

Augmenting the view glass to work disconnected.

Locking on to Amy's timestream.

Switching off CCTV monitors.

Repairing and activating a lift.

Fusing the controls of a Cyberman teleporter.

Overloading/imploding a Cybermat; unfortunately wiping its memory in the process.

Repairing the controls of a Cyberman teleporter and using it.

Taking apart a Supreme Dalek.

Freezing the Teselecta in place; this caused sparks to fly inside of it.

Reprogramming Proto-Daleks to recognise Daleks as enemies.

Used to help with rewiring the TARDIS; he told Lilly it was because the light in his "wardrobe" wasn't working, claiming it was the reason he dressed as he did.

Deleting an answering machine message from the phone the message was made from.

Activating the reverse in a badly damaged, insane Dalek's casing to send it into other insane Daleks (as it was going to self-destruct).

Taking apart the device emitting the Silurian Ark's signal, and activating it upon placing it in Solomon's ship.

Disabling the android the Shakri put on Earth to control the Shakri cubes.

Reversing the Shakri's programming of the cubes to jump-start the hearts of the humans they previously stopped.

Reversing a friction amper.

Overloading a light bulb, creating a blinding light, to act as a distraction to escape the Angels.

Getting rid of the shield that was blocking the Ice Governess and putting a new one behind the Doctor and Clara.

Seemingly adding an extra layer of super-dense water vapour to keep the Ice Governess "trapped for the moment".

Shattering a glass window.

Turning off the TARDIS anti-grav.

Activating the memory-erasing device in the Black Archive.

Ringing the bell in Christmas' Clock Tower.

Bluffing a wooden Cyberman into thinking that he sent a signal to its flamethrower so it would reverse its direction as soon as it tried to fire. Though a Truth Field was active, the Cyberman was not told the screwdriver couldn't affect wood. It pointed its weapon backwards, thinking it would reset, and killed itself by accident.

Amplifying an electrical beam.

To increase a signal's strength.

Making the voice of a star whale audible to the human ear.

Displaying energy barricades which are usually invisible to the naked eye.

Transmitting Abigail's singing from one broken segment to the other to open the cloud belt.

Amplifying Amy's sonic probe.

Creating a high pitched noise to get attention.  

As a microphone.

Creating a sound loud enough to distract Kahler-Tek to allow the Doctor's escape.

Amplifying the sound of the Time Lords calling out "Doctor who?" to the Daleks to remind them how easy it would be to answer their call and the difficulty it would take to kill him if he could live for ages. Also bouncing sonic waves of the bell in the clock tower on Trenzalore to mark the coming of war.

As a torch with blue light.

Blocking out the effects of perception filters.  

Giving a Cybermat a "Cyber-Migraine.

Distracting Cybermats.

Heating water and ice.

Destroying a Weeping Angel.

Lighting flaming torches.

Heating up a teapot.

As a lure to attract a sky fish.

Attempting self-reconstruction via signalling its other half; it failed at this and was left behind by the Doctor to be replaced by a similar sonic screwdriver.

Protecting two versions of Rory Williams from falling victim to the Blinovitch Limitation Effect (PROSE: Touched by an Angel)

Damaging a Cyber Ship.

Disarming Melody Pond.

Igniting a cannon. 

Destroying the Star of Solitude.  

Opens and closing Dalek Transmat portals.

Holding a heavy door with an acoustic lock open in the pyramid of the rings of Akhaten.

Holding back the Vigil.  

Tracking the location of Grand Marshall Skaldak as he sneaked around out of his armour.

Receiving a signal from the TARDIS indicating that it had returned and indicating its location.

Enhancing the power of an arsenal of bombs.

Relaxing the grip from someone's hand.

Combining power with the Tenth Doctor and War Doctor's sonic screwdrivers to create a sonic force to blast back and destroy an attacking Dalek in the Time War.  

Used for centuries as a weapon against his greatest enemies during the Siege of Trenzalore.

Opinion: I’m going to be honest, I didn’t like how much they used the Sonic Screwdriver. While I like the Screwdriver itself, i don’t like how they had the Eleventh Doctor waving it around willy-nilly.

#doctor who #eleventh doctor #11th Doctor #Sonic Screwdriver #Matt Smith

[shiraglassman]

Hi! I work with a student-run library dedicated to science fiction and fantasy. I saw your post recommending wlw books and I've added many to our to-buy list. I was wondering you'd be able to point me towards more sci-fi/fantasy books or resources that celebrate diversity; our collection certainly needs it! Specifically for older readers, though we also have a robust YA section.

Thanks for thinking of me, @my-smial! Here are some “grownup” SFF recs I think would benefit any library:

• the Daughter of Mystery series by Heather Rose Jones; it’s up to three books so far and more are coming. Set in the early 19th century in a made-up Central European principality, it’s a costume drama that’s equal parts political intrigue, magic, and multiple pairings of women falling in love with each other and/or making friends. By the third book they’re founding a women’s college, writing an opera, saving the country from evil magic multiple times…

• Sorcerer to the Crown by Zen Cho. Regency London, but magical in a Potterish sort of way. A young Black man inherits the post of Head Wizard from his white adoptive father, and must figure out why magic seems to be draining out of England. The leading lady is biracial (Indian/white British) and the cast includes other magicians from all over Europe and Asia.

• Throne of the Crescent Moon by Saladin Ahmed. Epic, sweeping fantasy about an older warrior-wizard and his super-zealous teenaged protegeé fighting demons in a Middle Eastern city. Cast includes a girl who can turn into a lion.

• Chameleon Moon by RoAnna Sylver is “hopeful dystopian” that takes place in a city forcibly quarantined when a wonder drug gives everyone superpowers. Leading lady is a biracial trans woman with power over sound and two female partners. Leading man now has the face of a lizard. Everyone is just trying to keep everyone else safe while there’s literally a fire burning underground at all times.

• Viral Airwaves by Claudie Arseneault, which features an all-male love triangle as part of an ensemble cast that also has ace m/f, is about a band of rebels using a clandestine radio show on a hot-air balloon to stand up to a totalitarian government that took over when a plague hit.

• The Fierce Family anthology features many stories all on the theme of “positive representation of queer families in SFF”, in varied settings that include dragons, spaceships, and post-apocalyptic Australia. Title comes from a story about defeating space pirates where both the pirates and their prey are bi, polyamorous families.

• Long Way to a Small Angry Planet by Becky Chambers is a mostly-positive ensemble cast spaceship book that includes f/f and a really cool nonbinary alien called Dr. Chef (because he’s both. And I say he because his species’ version of nonbinary is that they’re females until they become males, and he’s near the end of his life cycle.)

• The Golem and the Jinni by Helene Wecker is a stunning piece of fantasy set in NYC’s immigrant communities of 1900, both Ashkenazi Jewish and Syrian. It centers on relationships between characters, most importantly the two title beings who bond over how their supernaturalness cuts them off from the tightly-knit communities they’re from.

• The Dyke and the Dybbuk by Ellen Galford is out of print, but it’s relatively easy to find used copies if you’re open to that. It’s a tongue-in-cheek piece of Jewish paranormal about a British lesbian who winds up possessed by a (lesbian) demon because a distant female ancestor was cursed by her deserted girlfriend.

I know you said you’re good on YA, but consider adding The Rules of Ever After by Killian Brewer (gay princes m/m fantasy-humor with good female characters, too) and Not Your Sidekick by CB Lee (superhero f/f starring an Asian-American teen) if you don’t already have them. @interludepress has some good stuff.

#booklr #femslash #diverse reads #diversereads2017 #reading list #books #d slur #q slur

[thysside]

particularly boring and disjointed this time

There was a writer of a story I liked who allowed audience participation. When a weary angel protagonist seemed to be sharing feelings with a fallen angel or maybe a demon -- too early in the dream to recall -- I had a sort of brightly oblivious character come in like hey guys, what’s up! Everything okay here? The author sighed, and I felt like maybe I was fucking up the story, but then I was like, come on, this character was right there, are you saying this isn’t the reaction they’d have to a pseudo-enemy having an intense, possibly romantic conversation with our uncomfortable-looking friend? Later still, we got a plot where a character was a prisoner in one universe but his AU version was a ruler; they switched, and I thought, all right, here’s a good way to untangle the plot, and set the former prisoner to doing what he could in his new, more powerful role. We’d made maybe possibly a little bit of progress when the author mentioned maybe we should try focusing on fixing things using the other him from the other world, which I’d been planning to get around to, it’s just that the story had been focused on this world when I started making suggestions so I figured we’d start there instead of doing a major scene change. 

Another dream; I was at my mother’s place. I put down my cat and he bolted out the front door for some reason. He was outside in the driveway but there weren’t any cars around, and also I knew he was already dead and wouldn’t die again, so I wasn’t particularly concerned, though I knew we’d have to shoo him back in. All of this was too far back for pertinent or vivid details.

People were playing video games but it morphed and I had a toy action figure of one of the games’ main character, which I’d found in childhood storage somewhere. I spent some time putting his beefy arms on correctly. He came in this triangular prism-shaped spaceship/possible cryogenic chamber which you could open by pressing a button on top. There was also a horse toy that may have come with him? Later I opened the toy again and found there were a lot of accessories that I hadn’t remembered came with him: a plush pink-red robe, a red dress, long hair, a red bandana, a tiny brush stained red at the tip that may once have been meant to apply lipstick before it dried out way back in the 90s. I liked this whole vibe and was looking for a fine-point marker to reapply the lipstick when I realized the toy opened in two different ways and actually there had been this second figure, who was not the original figure, in there the whole time. I arranged them on the horse toy together with the original figure in front and the new one riding in back, arms wrapped around his chest to hang on. Then I was like, wait, no, why do gender roles like that, and switched them around.

At some point, and I cannot remember where it fits, I got in trouble for not braking properly and had to explain that no, look, the car just started doing this awful thing where the brakes don’t completely bring the car to a halt no matter how hard I stomp down, watch. Pointless, but I record it in case I later want some reckoning of just how often I have variations of this stupid dream.

I was waiting in line indoors somewhere to exit this building, cross a field, and enter a smaller store, which only admitted a certain number of people at one time. I kept moving back and forth in the line to try and get further from the people in it, but the woman behind me moved with me. I turned to ask if there was any reason she had decided not to maintain distance. She was taller than me, not wearing a mask, smirking, probably about to talk about how the virus wasn’t real and I was a sheep. We exchanged words I don’t remember which may have been that. I considered punching her in the face but didn’t want to get done up for assault. Instead I just told her that when I got into the store I was going to take my sweet time there to waste hers. Kind of a pointless claim since probably someone else would just leave anyway and give her access, but I hoped maybe she wouldn’t realize that, since she seemed dumb as hell.

When I did finally get access I decided I did not actually care enough to get whatever I’d been there for, so I slipped away while the people at the doors weren’t looking (so that they wouldn’t let the woman behind me in immediately) and wandered off instead. There was some kind of festival going on. Heard from what may have been embedded SCP agents that there had been a number of disappearances, too. Someone was there yelling out to crowds about how they could be categorized in certain ways (red, blue, green, yellow, lucky numbers, can’t remember) and he could tell them in each category what behavior would end in them being taken (yellow don’t head home between 8 and 9, that’s when they’ll be grabbing yellows). There was also what purported to be a fortune-telling toy vending machine, so I figured what the hell and put in some money. Got a small toy UFO which I was very happy with, since it matched the small toy alien I also had for whatever reason. Albeit, it then occurred to me, potentially an ominous prophecy that I would be abducted. Still, cute toy.

Because I was familiar with the paranormal underground and knew some tricks, I took to the skies to look at people? find my car? spend less effort walking? can’t remember, but decided to do so invisibly, to preserve the veil between normal humans and their knowledge of otherworldly things. Saw the maskless woman I’d been arguing with earlier floating a bit off the ground, just subtle, most people probably wouldn’t even notice. I hovered close by her and said into her ear, deeply and eerily, something to the effect that being so obvious makes it so easy for Them to decide who to take; she panicked and returned to the ground.

We’re getting into the early morning hours so naturally this is now a stress dream: I’m ready to leave, where did I park? I must have taken public transportation. Which bus was my bus? Oh no, I bet it’s that one, which is about to leave. Trip and fall into the road and almost get hit by the car I thought I could run fast enough to cross in front of. Now I am on the bus! Oh, hey, my paranormal knowledge means there are things it occurs to me to glance at, and this checklist by the steering wheel was last updated... a few hours ago? I mention this and get a vague hum in response. I think this is not the original bus driver. “Sorry, ma’am,” I say, backing off the bus. “I didn’t mean to disturb you.” I now do not have a ride home, but I haven’t been abducted or smote by changelings, so there’s that. Don’t remember anything after.

[tube-thoughts-blog]

Vol. 12

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

---------- Everything Is Terrible:

*Skittles Commercial 1989: A beach slob is out of luck at a not-so-sexy French beach in an animated skittles ad from France.* 2 stars

*The BAR-B-Q-GURU!: Basic grilling techniques (for example: use a whole bottle of lighter fluid) by a broke ass middle aged black dude.* 1 star

*Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Behind the Music: From scarfing pizza to snorting ants with Ozzy. Not really. More like a pathetic attempt by corporate America to exploit dumb kids and dumb parents.* either zero stars or close to 2 1/2 stars (for proof of said b.s.)

*Cowabunga! can do great things: Say something stupid, and feel good.* 2 1/2 stars

*Call Me Fantasy: Unintentionally awkward hardcore-phone-sex commercial.* 3 stars

------------------------

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Longhair and Doubledome - Good Wheel Hunting: Pre-historic odd couple.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Utica Cartoon: A bear gets in over his head in a all you can eat without paying (as long as you can eat them) hot dog bargain.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Yee Haw & Doo Dah - Bronco Breakin Boots: Yosemite Sam-esque cowboy and his talking horse are squatters in Central Park.* 2 stars

--------------

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke Goes Ballooning *Over the rainbow and into the magical land of unicorns (not uniHorns) and Asian sluts.* close to 3 stars

----- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Barbarella

*Drive In Totals: 14 dead bodies - 1 vicious parakeet attack - 1 Roman orgy - 1 portable brainwave detector - Shag carpeted spaceship - 2 crash landings - 1 giant rubber stingray 1 vicious biting sharp toothed doll attack - demonic children - flower eating - sea through man - flying pod attack with fireballs - 1 burning outer space city - Snowball Fu - Green Laser Fu - and finally the Famous Lovemaking Tube

*TNT NFL Sunday Night Football commercial featuring New England Patriots' then quarterback Drew Bledsoe. Seems like ages ago before Tom Brady dominated the sports news media.

*Joe Bob talks about how the two sci blockbusters of 1968 were Barbarella and 2001. He says that critics wanted to call this one "2002: a Space Idiocy." HA!

*Jane Fonda is a terrible actress. Really terrible.

*Hippie / progressive logic is vomit enducing. "Free love" in this movie is made so confusing and non-fun.

*WCW "Rage in the Cage" FallBrawl commercial featuring Jim "The Anvil" (I believe)

*Joe Bob says this movie is like "Dante's Inferno meets Disney on Ice." Ha

*Hey, 90s business professional lady, don't be afraid of new technology. Get a Nokia cell phone with car lighter adapter for only $9.99. Offer good through 9/30/97

*Joe Bob's advice to the hopeless: talk of lesbos with the very sexy Reno the Mail Girl and Joe Bob helps deliver a viewer's baby (not literally, of course).

*Jane Fonda saves the galaxy by being as silly acting as possible and having softcore, no nudity no action, sex with every humanoid alien she meets.

1 star for the movie (It's more up Joel Schumacher's and Tim Burton's campy alley than mine.) between 1 1/2 and 2 stars for the commercials and 3 stars for Joe Bob's hosting

-----------------

The Greatest American Hero: My Heroes Have Always Been Cowboys *Poncho and Lefty.* 3 stars

Manimal: Scrimshaw *I am the walrus (literally).* either 1 star or between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

U.S.S. Alabama (Unaired FX network pilot) *Obviously this was gonna be Reno 911 meets Star Trek, and that's exactly what you get. Poking fun at the genre's tropes and adding the humorous element of inter-galactic govt. red tape getting in the way of space adventuring.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (The hit or miss ad-libbing is probably why this series never got picked up.)

----- TV CARNAGE:

*The Unfriendliest Town In America: "Can you help me out, buddy?" BAM! Knee the person asking you that in the groin.* 3 stars

*Stripping Lessons From The Insecure: You need a book about striptease allure from a lady that doesn't even feel sexy herself.* 2 1/2 stars

*Sad Sex Sillys!: Uncomfortable advice and uncomfortable laughter.* 1 star

*No More Free Blow Chobs: RICK, she's not some kind of oral sex machine. Stop coming into her dorm room and getting completely naked, while she's in the other room getting erotic candles for the two of you, you horny frat boy you.* 2 1/2 stars

*You Call This Relaxing: Neo-Nazis crucifying another Neo-Nazi* 2 stars

----------------------------------------

---Commander USA's Groovie Movies: CHUD

*For those not familiar with Commander USA, he's a tv movie host from the 80s. He looks like The Comedian from The Watchmen (he predates him, I believe) but he's more like a street wise version of Mr. Rogers. He likes to paint his right hand up with a smiley face, using ashes from his cigar butt, call it "Lefty"  and talk to it like a sidekick friend. It's weird and almost painfully unfunny at times, but this is an afternoon, if I'm correct, movie show and not something late night like Joe Bob. Though, Svengoolie uses a lot of cheesy humor on his near-late night monster movie show.*

*Carefree bubble gum commercial. "Now with more flavor than ever." Was it sort of bland before? Were they holding back on the flavor? In the ad, a lot of very active and olympic level folk were blowing bubbles while performing. I can't picture people of the 20 Tens fitness culture even chewing any kind of gum. It's probably not gluten free, anyway.*

*An awesome USA network preview commercial for "Night Flight" "Where would your weekend be without it?" 11 pm eastern 10 pm central. Cool music videos and shorts. Generation X laments for MTV's glory days, well these other cable channels' attempts at MTV style programming were just as good, if not better.*

*Christopher Lee and Joan Collins in "Dark Places" TONIGHT 8pm on USA's Saturday Nightmares I'm tearing up thinking about how good old school cable used to be. Now, they'd probably have a four hour block of a reality show or a forensic detective show or a douchebag movie featuring The Rock, and never in a million years program a horror / mystery movie block followed by late night music videos and animated short films and stand up comedy. You sat in your acid washed jeans and watched this with only your remote, a bowl of popcorn, and a Pepsi. You didn't have an iphone, snapchat, twitter, facebook, netflix, redbox new releases only (barf), hulu, game of thrones, orange is the new black, pandora, real housewives of the kardashians, kanye west butchering bohemian rhapsody. We lived in ye good ole days.*

*One of the "Wet Bandits" from Home Alone is here in the 1980s NYC running a soup kitchen for the homeless. What a difference a decade and meeting Goodfella Joe Pesci makes.*

*Kolchak the Nightstalker would be right at home in this movie's environment. In fact, they have a haggard looking, snooping reporter who's almost a version of him.*

*Commander USA is carving meats for his footlong sandwich right after the scene where the photographer / hero goes down into the underground, with his homeless pal, and checks up on the injured homeless guy's chewed up and festering leg. Ewww. Ha.*

*An 80s nerd is playing bomber pilot in the mirror as he treats his zits with Oxy 10. He's so obnoxious, he deserves leprosy. However, I do miss uncool 80s teenagers who weren't afraid to be uncool.*

*Nabisco Brands logo on a BabyRuth commercial featuring two good looking male and female models in BabyRuth logo letter jackets. One: the Nabisco logo of the 80s gave off some kind of hypnotic feel good illuminatti trance vibe. Must love this corporate brand. Two: Why do they always show chocolate being poured in its melty form? The candy bar is gonna be solid and only melted if it's in your ass pocket and you sit on it or leave it on the dash of your car. Hot, melty chocolate is so damn much better it's like crack was in the 80s. More subliminal, chocolatey, illuminatti shit.*

*A 1-800 number ad featuring feel good American craftsmanship, sportsmanship, patriotism... uh ship and other propaganda for joining the National Rifle Association of America. The 80s were conservative as fuck, motherfucker. Have your VISA or MasterCard ready for your $20 NRA member baseball cap and 10,000 dollars worth of "accidental death" insurance with the NRA. Because you will kill yourself or a loved one or a hunting buddy. It's your 2nd amendment right.*

*Commander USA parodies the scene where the little girl is traumatized after her dad gets jerked out of a phone both by a C.H.U.D. Commander USA uses a blow up doll in his own personal phonebooth to re-enact the scene. Kind of black humor on the part of the old Commander. This was a sort of family friendly afternoon movie show with a basic cable edit of the film, and here they still mix in some bleak humor. Gotta love the 80s. They would not even show this kind movie in the afternoon on basic cable anymore. Sure, SYFY shows monster movies on Saturday afternoons, but they don't show 80s monster movies. They show 2000s crapfests and Asylum mock monster horror shitfests.*

*A yuppie couple is playing their morning game of tennis. The husband is sluggish because he didn't have his Kellog's Branflakes, while the wife is running circles around him. Yes, he didn't have his morning dump, and she did. These ads were effectively satirized in the 90s when Saturday Night Live did their "Colon Blow" cereal commercials.*

*AT&T wants to help 80s, pre internet business communications, small businesses become more successful. Sure, a big corporation really just wanted money like they always would. Truth is they'd like to merge with other super corporations and make the six headed corporate dragon of the apocalypse and suck the souls out of every small business, small business owner, and slug citizen of the global economic slavepit like a high speed slurpee.

*Roger Clemens lip-syncs in a non-redneck voice and gets naked behind a towel (for 80s chicks who wanted to see that. Surprised that he was ever considered a hunk. But whatever) in a "Zestfully Clean" ad. Cheesy, and wouldn't have been my brand of soap in the 80s, but nowhere near as obnoxious and off putting as modern Old Spice soap or Axe body wash.*

*Chef Dom Deluise doesn't wanna say goodbye to his Summer vegetables, as he sings a song to them about saying goodbye, in a Ziploc freezer bag commercial. He really needed to spend less time in the kitchen singing to food. R.I.P. Dom Deluise. He's dead, right?*

*Capn Lou Albano has to be dragged off screen in his 1-800 talk wrestling phone ad. Rejects from The Village People bust into his living room and do this, for some reason. There had to be some moron to call this number and listen to Lou ramble incoherently about Luigi and Jimmy Superfly Snuka.*

*"Dream Away" overnight weight loss tablets. I'm guessing these 1980s biggest losers sweated to the oldies with Richard Simmons in their dreams and all those fat cells just  drifted away down into their waterbeds. Every moron in the 80s had a waterbed.*

*In the 80s, it took a magician named "Blackstone" and a series of motivational cassette tapes to get people to stop smoking. No one ever smoked after this and those annoying TRUTH ads featuring dying smoking victims talking out of their neckholes, that you have to hurry and look away as you flip the channel during dinner, never took place. What a wonderful alternate reality we live in.*

*C.H.U.D. and They Live would and probably has made a great double feature. Both have themes of the govt not caring about the people on the bottom level of society.*

*Another reason why this is a great movie is they're taking their sweet time to build up the tension of really getting a good look at the monsters. Sure, we've had glimpses of them. But nothing really lingers on them. It's all quick edits. When they finally show themselves to the people of New York, and the movie viewer, it will be worth the payoff. If this were a SYFY Asylum mock-monster-mock-movie we'd already had seen the shitty CGI croco-cerebus-cheetah in the first five minutes when it devours Caitlyn Jenner.*

*This movie also meets Joe Bob Briggs' rule of any good horror movie which is "Anybody can die at anytime." And they do, there, in the sewers of NYC in C.H.U.D.*

*Get Dianetics at Waldenbooks. The pseudo-psychology pseudo-religion selfhelp zeitgeist of 80s yuppies.*

*One more inspid bit of 80s propaganda by conservative Ronald Reagan America and corporate America: They would have "By Mennen" ads featuring babies and new moms with the 1950s tv mom standing over her shoulder giving her instructions on every "how to" and all the mother know how life advice she'd need. Basically saying, "Don't think for yourself. Make the 80s just like the good ole 50s."*

*"FDS Woman." Yes, ladies of the 80s used a huge aerosol can of feminine deodorant spray to keep their smelly vaginas in check, and that, coupled with their big hair, that needed to also be aerosol sprayed, is the reason that we have a hole in the ozone layer and now everyone has smelly genitals from the swamp crotch caused by a greenhouse gas oven climate that we all endure for most of the year.*

*There's no irony being noticed by anyone, here, that this movie that came out in the 80s and featured a plot about radioactive waste coming back to bite everyone in the ass is being shown on television, in the 80s, sandwiched in between all kinds of products that we have to destroy our bodies with using and our environment in making. Nope, none. Ha.*

*"Go back to sleep America. Your government is in control." -Bill Hicks*

*Nice government citywide coverup of the night of horrors and incident.*

*And a great cameo by John Goodman as a NYC cop in a greasy spoon diner, when the CHUDs show back up for the gotcha horror ending.*

*Commander USA puts on his trench coat and heads out the door after the credits roll.*

*The USA network voice over guy tells us to tune in tomorrow at noon for All American Wrestling featuring the voice talents of Mean Gene Okerlund. Can't get much more 80s than that.*

3 stars for the movie (even being on basic cable and edited) 2 1/2 stars for the Commander and finally either 1 star or close to 3 stars for the cheesy, despicable ads

----------------------------------------

---- Marc Summers' Mystery Magical Tour:

*For some reason Marc Summers is out on a stormy night, on a desolate road, after watching a movie with a group of kids, when his convertible gets a flat tire and he has no spare. One: that's just not responsible adult behavior, but what would you expect from the host of Double Dare. Two: Why is the top down when it's gonna rain? And where is this movie theater out on a winding mountain road right out of a David Lynch movie?

*The Addams Family's John Astin makes a cameo as a disgruntled magician, breaking the 4th wall and airing grievances, before quitting his magician job at a spooky, old dark house in the middle of nowhere.

*Guess who happens to pull in front of the house seeking help. Marc and kids.

*Of course, per requirement for a creepy mansion, no one is there to open the door and it is a case of just letting one's self in.

*It's gonna be Marc's own personal "Hotel California" as a creepy, gloved hand slides Marc's picture into the frame on the Now Appearing Act sign outside the mansion.

*Marc is proving why more game show hosts aren't asked to act. This is a labor of magician love, so he gets to star in his own pet project on Nickelodeon.*

*There's the old googly eyes behind the painting following around Marc and kids. A staple of old dark house horror.*

*Secret passageways and locked doors, spooky setting, ominous David Copperfield esque magician playing an old phonograph record using telepathy, but Are You Afraid of the Dark this ain't.*

*"Connect Four" singing faces commercial from the 1980s. Another awesome board game that caused many a sibling argument.*

*Johnny is the coolest 10 year old. He wears his jean jacket over his shoulders like a matador would wear a cape. Every kid in town has gathered to watch him take on Milton Bradley's Simon electronic guessing slap game.*

*The kids are running around without Marc who got disappeared into a skeleton in a phone booth. Now, the kids are pulling the old 3 Stooges "Knock it off" things happening behind the others backs routine.*

*Now, a maid has shown up to do a Carol Burnett mime routine. Sad and beautiful.*

*Lance Burton starts having a swashbuckling sword duel with the killer ghost character from Wes Craven's Scream.*

*The silky voiced and animated bear from the Golden Crisp commercial. Whatever became of him?*

*A Converse "Conasaur" commercial featuring pre-historic lizards from King Kong's Skull Island and the old black and white Lost World movie. Nice.*

*Tyco Dino-Riders toy commercial. Dinosaurs ruled the earth once again in the late 80s and early 90s and kids back then had awesome toys, cartoons, and movies to show for it.*

close to 2 1/2 stars for Marc, and kids, inside Lance's lunatic magician's mansion. close to 3 stars for the kid friendly retro ads

------------------------------------------

Twitch City: Killed By Cat Food *Art imitating life without merit. Without Hope. So, Curtis finally leaves the apartment  and finds Hope, again.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Clean Butt: Hands free shitting experience that's very dignified.* 2 1/2 stars

*Disney World, One Kid's Opinion: Although the lines are long, it's worth it.* 1 star or 5 Mickeys according to this kid

*Exercise Awareness Week: "The Wu Tang Clan of exercise shows" featuring an 80 year old govt hating bible thumper.* 2 strange stars

*Inline Skating Is Fun: Wear a helmet or have a sweet ponytail to protect your fragile egg shell of a head.* 2 1/2 stars

*Memorial Day 2000: For the land of the free and the home of the show us your fuckin' tits!* either zero stars or close to 3 stars

---------------------------------------

Spicy City: An Eye For An Eye *Cyberspace better than the shark tank. Tragic song and dance in a chat room lounge.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Robocop the series: What Money Can't Buy *A sick kid needs the "Sultan of Detroit Swat," Robocop, to hit a homerun off of a curveball thrown by an organ snatcher.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars (This show is at odds with itself. On one hand you have the clever Robocop style adult satire of society, and on the other it's a dumb, mainstream, early 90s, PG-action tv series with all the cliches and flaws of those kinds of series.)

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Roswell, New Mexico *"All Chinese look alike just like all aliens look alike." -Stanton Friedman, UFO expert.* close to 3 stars

Casey and Friends: Episode 10 "1989" *The setting is late in the 2000s decade. Some hipster-nerd teenagers find their dad's old VHS cam-corder and set out to parody 1980s era, "cool Christian" teens television shows that they still show on Saturday afternoons on the religious channels. Unfortunately, the "too kewl for Sunday school" teens come up short on the satire and humor.* either between zero and 1/2 a star or between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

----------- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: The Beast Within

*Joe Bob is all for mutant-insect sex with humans as long as it produces monster horror flicks.

*Drive In Totals: 16 dead bodies... 1 dead dog... Neck munching... Embalming needle through the chest... Electrocution... Disembowling... Head rolls.. Hand rolls..

*Joe Bob will be with the viewer all night for "all the insect sex info"

*Monster/murder/rape mystery and returning to a hicksploitation town where it happened

*Joe Bob knows about deep, dark southern mysteries involving can opener / electrical chord murders

*Yep, it's a strange one. Effeminite, elderly newspaper man patting out raw hamburger and flirting with the delivery boy who turns rabid and chomps on the raw flesh of the weirdo old man, killing him. Plus, Designing Women's man's man Meschach Taylor is one of the town's deputees. Ha.

*Joe Bob is making toy grasshoppers hump and questioning the strange, sexual tension of the movie. Like the romantic strolls, with a deranged redneck's daughter, by a swamp full of body parts.

*Joe Bob wants to know why adults can't watch innards, 'cause of censors, even after the midnite hour on Turner basic cable. I agree.

*Joe Bob threatens to go on Jerry Springer and air his complaints, because he loves the violence on that show.

*Being embalmed alive has to rank pretty high on the horror movie kill list hall of fame.

*The town drunk has figured out who the killer is, but the sheriff won't listen and tells him that he looks like "The high noon of a coon dog just leaving the swamp."

*The young lead/monster of this movie looks like John C. Reilly playing a teenage Dewey Cox / Lon Chaney Jr. Wolfman

*Joe Bob exclaims how Monstervision is better than Turner Classic movies, because instead of pointing out facts about Liz Taylor getting hickeys from lovers in 1957, he talks about dead Baptist ghosts in spooky Mississippi hospitals where they film horror flicks

*Joe Bob questions the logic of turning into a cicada monster that's never explained in the movie.*

close to 3 stars for the tv edit of the movie and 3 stars for Joe Bob

------------------------------------------------

---- John Candy in "Summer Rental" on AMC (American Movie Classics)

*National Lampoons Vacation comparisons, but Candy is more endearing than Chevy. His movie family, on the other hand, terrible... so far

*Stuck in a moving station wagon with a farting dog, yet this movie still is charming and nowhere near as bad as a 2000s era awful comedy with someone like Martin Lawrence or Adam Sandler taking their families on vacation.

*AMC is airing this Summer themed movie during the Christmas holidays, and showing a commercial for their upcoming Holiday hit movies. Bill Murray's Scrooged is gonna be ran for 24 hours straight. Who started this shit? I love Scrooged, I used to love a Christmas Story, Home Alone 1 & 2, and Christmas Vacation, but I'll be damn if they did not run these movies into the ground. 24 hours straight of the same movie is insane and enough to make fans start hating their favorite movies. They play Home Alone and Christmas Vacation every other day on cable starting around Thanksgiving up until Dec. 27. ENOUGH!

*Hallmark digital Holiday cards featuring the overused Charlie Brown song and more awful insurance ads guilting family's into life insurance. They're raking in the bucks off of sentimental feelings

*Shaq is sitting by a warm fireplace attempting to read a corporate Christmas story (buy our stuff!) to a bunch of multi-cultural tv commercial kids. How, sweet.... humbug

*Renters versus Owners. A Ronald Reagan type rich yuppie gets Haiwaiin shirt wearing John Candy's table at the fancy restaurant, after Candy waited forever in line, and his lobster dinner. Basically, the rich, who can live in the vacation town all year long, against the 40plus hour a week white collar worker who can only rent a condo for a couple of weeks in the nice vacation area.

*Rip Torn is a pirate in a rundown dive bar / Captain D's

*John Candy is one of those take all kinds of crap dads on a vacation from hell.

*J.G. Wentworth sure likes bad opera singing and people yelling out windows

*Run in with the evil Ron Reagan guy while sailing. After beach hiijinks and moving in to a crappy shack on the beach after getting kicked out of their nice condo by the real owners.

*Wife and kids go to a movie during a rainstorm, while Candy is laid up cripple after a sailing accident, and mom forgot her wallet leading to John Laroquette picking up the tickets for them and hitting on mom.

*John Candy's character should just kill himself now.

*Footloose Kevin Bacon poster on the lobby wall and teen daughter is listening to Wham! on her walkman headphones. Barf on both, but 80s nostalgia nonetheless.

*Flinstones gag where Candy gets locked outside, in the rainstorm, by his dog.

*Candy is nursing a hurt leg in a kids plastic pool while his wife is on a speedboat with a douchebag like Laroquette.

*AH, his luck might have changed for the better? The bikini beach bimbo shows up on his sandy lawn... with pity

*Corporate America has no shortage of insipid holiday commercials. They even try to be clever about being aware of this in some of the commercials. Bill Hicks would note that they're going for the "hating the holidays" dollar.

*There's a nude boob scene that Candy gets to be in (not his boobs, thankfully) and I wonder since this is an 80s flick, even though I'm sure PG13, if there were actual boobs shown. Since it was the 80s, and 80s PG13 was edgier, I'm thinking maybe they did show naked boobs. AMC doesn't, however, 'cause it's the Holidays and we still have Pilgrim and Puritan overlords and Santa watches everything.

*The 80s version of Larry the Cable guy has taken over Candy's bed, and taken up with his dog, while watching the Smurfs, during a beach bum party takeover of Candy's vacation house. It happens when Candy is next door checking out the neighbor's brand new boob job.

*Rip Torn and John Candy have a drunken debate. Who's tougher? Jimmy Cagney or Sylvester Stallone

*Ron Reagan voter is signing business papers on the coffin of Candy's condo's former owner. Uh, oh, 'cause Candy has shown up in beach shorts and a white sports coat at the funeral home. Candy's being evicted. Lesson: don't rub the rich the wrong way.

*Crooked rich guy's boat is called "The Incisor."

*As per requirement for all Summer fun movies, there's a challenge thrown down between the good guys of Candy's / Rip Torn's haggard pirate beach bums and the yuppie rich sailor who happens to be Candy's evil landlord. It's a sail off. Winner takes all.

*Candy's clan wins the battle of waves.

*Whatever happened to the Laroquette and Candy's wife subplot? Who cares....

*This movie just isn't as satisfying as Chevy's Summer vacation, though it had some decent moments. Sick of Chevy's Summer vacation, however, and never need to see it again. Ever. Cable has played it so much it feels like the other 9 months of the year and not a vacation at all.

2 1/2 stars for the movie 1 1/2 stars for the ads

-----------------------------------------

Northern Exposure: Sex, Lies, and Ed's Tape *A high concept man with his head on the bar.* close to 3 stars

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Alaska *Where one's pee turns instantly into a popsicle.* close to 3 stars

Cartoon Network Summerfest: (2002)

*Maktar: A group of kids are playing flashlight tag, on the lawn, one Summer night. The light somehow shoots through the cosmos and is received as an act of war by a planet of oddball as well as kaiju controlling aliens.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Test Drive: Some white trash teens find a Transformer type robot in a junkyard and rebuild it. A zero suit Samus chick, from the future, arrives to reclaim it, and they aid her in a smackdown to stop aliens from destroying earth.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

----------------------------

USA UP All Night with Rhonda Shear: Beach Fever & Nightmare Sisters (1992)

Host segments for Beach Fever:

*Ritzy, early 90s UP All Night has just as good an opening video as Saturday Night Live, of the same time period, had.

*Rhonda thinks Beach Fever has feminist vibes because it has bikini babes relaxing and enjoying themselves on the beach while also karate kicking dudes in the neck

*Viewer mail: A guy named Ralph wants to exchange footcream in order to see Rhonda wiggle her toes in cheesecake. Rhonda shows off her comedic chops (which would sound surprisingly good to some, and they are) when she impersonates a New Yawk advice columnist, looking like the receptionist of Ghostbusters, complete in red wig. Reading a letter from a lady whose son is wearing her panties. Ha.

*More viewer mail: Rhonda reads a letter, while stretched out in a red miniskirt on a white bed, from the president of the "foot fetish society of America."

*Rhonda writes her wishlist to Santa while the rockabilly classic "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree" plays in the background

*A viewer writes in to tell Rhonda how he and his wife, inspired by Rhonda's succulent cheesecake covered toes, took a chocolate pie to bed. Kinky weirdos, but fun anyway

*More letters rolling in prove the value of old school late night movie hosts. People are not watching for the subpar flicks, they're watching for an entertaining host. If more networks still did this, they'd get more value out of their late night tv library & ads.

*Other viewers write in to USA network wanting them to put that "space mutant" Gilbert Gotfried off of the other late night hosting spot and send him to where he belongs, "SciFi" network, instead. Ha.

Beach Fever:

*Kato Kaelin and not Jackie Chan have beach high jinks against pimps/pushers, muscleheads, and sexual zombies.*

USA UP All Night Late Night Advertisements:

*A yuppie douchebag is tired of being alone at night and having horny air bubble thoughts pop up above his empty head. So, he spends a dollar a minute to call up "Singles Connection Hotline." next thing you know, he's dry humping bimbos on the dancefloor, just like his pal.

*Lonely gals and guys call "Phone Partners" for 99 cents a minute and find friends in the same town or across the country. Social networking difficult back then. More saxophone soothing, but expensive.

*Call the "Mind Maze" for 5 bucks a minute (wow, expensive!) and get X-Files esque phone sex, I guess, with a creepy guy back lit by what I'm guessing is an alien searchlight peeping through your closed blinds. Creepy.

*TeleFriend. For 4.99 a minute, you too can have a female "friend" to talk to.

Host Segments for Nightmare Sisters:

*A viewer is mad that "Macho Man" Randy Savage touched Rhonda, on a previous night's UP All Night, and the viewer crushed his beer can, spilling suds, in a rage. Ha.

"Nightmare Sisters" starring Linnea Quigley (1988):

*Sorority Babes in Slimeball Bowl-O-Rama meets Revenge of the Nerds. This time with succubus and a decapitated genie's head, named Dukey Flyswatter, in a crystal ball.*

3 stars for Rhonda close to 2 1/2 stars the advertisements close to 2 stars for Beach Fever and close to 3 stars for Nightmare Sisters

--------------------------------------

Erwin C. Dietrich's "High Test Girls" (1980) *In a picturesque European village nestled in the mountains, six scandalous Swedish sweeties service a softcore-sex-soaked gas station / grotto. Sex antics with plenty of tongue in cheek humor.* more than 2 1/2 stars

"High Kicks" (1993) *Jean Claude Van Damme meets Tommy Wiseau, without enough awkwardness to warrant a cult following or even viewing. A toothless & bloodless attempt at rape-revenge exploitation. Shot on video at Venice Beach. A mullet hairdo sporting Patrick Swayze type zen martial artist / drifter (private pleasure sailor) helps an aerobics chick learn basic self defense to fend off a haggard gang of goofy stereotypes. One villain sounds/looks like Artie from Howard Stern's Show, another acts all Carlos Mencia, there's even a Fat Albert body double, and the required Asian kung fu gangbanger.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

---- Red Letter Media.com presents Best of the Worst:

*Lady Terminator: Skanky Lara Croft has her vagina possessed by a snake goddess and becomes a Lady Terminator. Makes about as much sense as Terminator Genisys.* close to 2 stars

*Lost In Dinosaur World: A kid friendly, and painfully boring, 90s Jurassic Park cash in and half assed attempt at advertising for a theme park full of barely mobile animatronic dinosaurs.* 1/2 a star

*Low Blow: A kung fu Charles Bronson wannabe, who's inept and elderly, versus a could-not-care-any-less cult leader.* 2 stars barely

Red Letter gives a tie for best between Lady T. and Low. B. Lost in Dinosaur World gets melted by a hot iron.

--------------------------------

1201Beyond.com presents Riff You A New One: Raiders of Atlantis *"I downloaded a copy of a mustache." I don't know what that means, but I think it pretty much sums up watching this flick. It's an Italian exploitation mixture of Raiders of the Lost Ark, Miami Vice, A-Team, Road Warrior, Gilligan's Island, and Fulci's Zombie.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without riffing

"Asylum For Shut Ins: Video Psychotherapy" (2004) *A twisted, beatnik(?) ventriloquist dummy screws with the viewer's head for watching clips of screaming scream queens, acts of depravity, and horror gore. Often repetitive and headache inducing.* running from close to 2 stars down to 1 star down to zero

Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Goes Noodling In Oklahoma *Savoring "gettin' some!"* 2 1/2 stars

Ripley's Believe It Or Not!: Episode 1 (1985) *Jack Palance pisses up a rope.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Obscurus Lupa presents: Gymkata *The Cold War had everyone olympics caliber athletics crazed. Beating Ivan Drago, having a Miracle on Ice, or scoring high in Tetris meant something. So much that Ronald Reagan's Star Wars nuclear program depended on the C.I.A. getting a gymnast into a Soviet neighbor backwoods inbred country's Ninja Warrior obstacles of death challenge in a Eastern European forest. The winner getting one wish. Ronald Reagan used that wish to launch a laser sky cannon and crumbled the Berlin Wall.* 2 stars for the flick and 2 stars for the fun review

Forever Knight: Dying To Know You *A psychic gets a little too close to the fire trying to fly with a vampire. I miss how 70s, 80s, and 90s action dramas would always end with lite humor, despite having a heavy story to the show. In this episode, a police psychic gets killed in the line of duty, after getting personal with our hero. He broods about it during a thunderstorm, and then the episode ends with the four lead cops having a laugh about protein shakes and tofu burgers on their lunch break. Game of Thrones and others should try this. *wink* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: I Never Promised You A Rose Marvin *This town might be more corrupt than Gotham. There's a bully SWAT team with a tank for a toy. Corrupt politicians try to cover up their crimes using corrupt high ranking police. And kooky doctors think that dangerous mental patients are just misunderstood and shouldn't be behind bars. Lucky for everyone, there are more than a few James Gordon quality cops down at the Hill Street precinct.* 3 stars

Viper: The Face *Suffers from the flaw of many movies and tv shows of the time period. Too much emphasis is placed on the comic relief and it gets in the way of the plot. That being a noble ex-con stuck between a rock and a hard place.* either 1 star or between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Samurai Cop" (1989) *Set in a bizarre alternate universe where Tommy Wiseau makes Tony Scott style action movies. Three things that no one would have thought would go together so sweetly: buddy action comedy, softcore porn scenes, and Japanese warrior code.* 3 stars

--- Found Footage Fest:

*Even More Proof - Swords and Blowguns: Tips on how to have unsafe fun with deadly weapons for sale from the same guy giving the tips.* 1 star

*Hair Again: A picture of someone, with hair, is worth a thousand words, but the same picture, with someone wearing a wig, is pretty much worthless.* 3 stars

*How To Be A Real Man: Banditos get loco for HeyZeus.* 3 stars

*Star Search Audition - Nick Gomez: Carlos Mencia would have gotten zero stars on Star Search.*

*Video Guide to Successful Seduction: "Plan something different." "In public." Do it in public...* 3 stars

----------------

Max Headroom: Lessons *They're censoring Sesame Street.* 2 1/2 stars

1201Beyond.com presents Channel 32 Bloopers (1989) *Hijinks from a local t.v. station in the Midwest. It's always the businessman, who's too inept to be his own commercial spokesman, that steals the show. See also: Punch Drunk Love's "Mattress Man" plus the internet legend "Winnebago Man."*  between 2 & 2 1/2 stars

"Broadcast Babes" ---XXX--- (1985) *So, big haired (also boobed) lady, you wanna be be a glamorous news reporter mindlessly reading teleprompter info about family housefire deaths and funning it up with the weather guy? Well, first, you gotta lay it all out, on the casting couch, with Ron Jeremy's wiener cousin.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Future Schlock Vol. 1 *"It literally takes you to Funky Town." "My dad lives in a downtown hotel." "Girls like guys who get high." A mixtape with just the right amount of attention deficit disorder.* 3 stars

Wizards & Warriors: The Caverns of Chaos *Trust sprouts from bitter roots.* 3 stars

Look Around You: Health *"Between you and me, I wish I had never gotten out of bed this morning." That was before meeting MediBot. A 1950s sci fi style robot & mobile surgeon.* 2 1/2 stars

---- Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Soylent Green w/commentary from director Fleischer

*Talk about how this was an early environmental film in a dirty decade, the 1970s.

*New York has a population, here in 2020, of 40 million people. There's mass overcrowding and a huge divide between the the have(s) and those who have not.

*Romero would take this timeless, universal notion and apply it during the Bush Jr. years in Land of the Dead.

*Total dystopia happening here.

*When society is hanging on by a thread, women become property. It always happens.

*Joe Bob loves Chuck Heston in this flick. He thinks he's nasty and tough in a harsh setting. Joe Bob hates cutesy sci fi flicks. The ugliness of this one appeals to Joe Bob as he stands in front of kitschy, skull trailer decorations.

*You know it's a heavy film when Edward G. Robinson is crying over vegetables, because he hasn't seen any since his youth due to crop shortages and world starvation.

*A lot of social barriers have had to come down, due to circumstance, in this movie's world, but still armed men have to loom over like Hendrix's song "Watchtower."

*Joe Bob tells his audience to slow down and accept the slow pace of the film.

*Poetic dinner scene where Robinson gets to introduce Heston's character to a meal that he's never had before.

*Planet of the Apes, Omega Man, this flick... Heston was the king of thought provoking mainstream 70s sci fi

*150 bucks a jar strawberry jam on a spoon, from a suspect's kitchen, retrieved by the cop character of Heston. It's part of the plot and another scary, little aspect of the flick that really needs to be noted. In our real life, the prices of certain foods are always fluctuating depending on some issue. Right now eggs have gone up because of a bird epidemic, last year it was pork for similar reasons. This film is all too real.

*Heston's character is our hero, but, as noted by the director, he's lacking some of the more noble qualities of Robinson's older character who saw more earlier brighter days. This is saying that we're preparing a world for future generations, through our ignorance and arrogance and destructive deeds, where they'll have less and less humanity.

*Joe Bob, in character maybe, is getting bored with the film and thinks it needs a lesbo orgy. Maybe he thinks this will be above the heads of most of the drunk, late night TNT crowd.

*Chuck interrupts a lounge full of sexy ladies, and bums a drink and a smoke from one of them noting, "If I had money, I would smoke 2 or 3 of these everyday." In the seventies that would be a joke for different reasons than it is now. Back then, smokes were cheap, but now, he's right, you would be lucky to afford a pack a day, and soon it will probably be the way it is in this movie.

*Noting that the female character is nothing more than sexy dressing to the scenes and the lives of the men. Like sleak 70s furniture. Kind of like the whores in Game of Thrones.

*Joe Bob points out that Chuck is a feminist because he wanted the female lead to show angst about her situation in life, before taking her to bed. Ha. Touche.

*In this next scene, the governor of New York is taking his family to see the one tree in the state in a hothouse. In current, real news, the mayor of Portland, Oregon, took his family on the parade route of the Rose Parade through downtown Portland after a vicious homeless sweep to get the homeless off the streets so they wouldn't be an ugly reminder during the pretty parade.

*The director is commenting that there is no middle class in this movie. Only the very rich and the very poor. Again, it's where we're heading as a society.

*Joe Bob points out how the police, govt, and the rich would love to use bulldozer garbage trucks to scoop protesters off the street. Wouldn't they!

*One of the first movies to tell the truth of corporations being the new evil of society.

*Another scary dilemma of society in this movie, and possibly where we're heading with governments wanting to take internet freedoms and rights to share dissent away, the small group of humanitarian people are gathered in the one remaining library to read what information that they have left and maybe get down to finding out what the Soylent corporation is truly up to. Modern corporations would love to take our ability away and make us not be able to know what they're up to.

*The euthanization sequence with the sterile setting and the pretty music and pictures. I think it says something about 21st century people and our veal calf lives of pleasure.

*A classic gloom & doom tale about global warming and corporate greed.

*And remember, Chef Boyardee is Soylent Green.

*We end with Joe Bob talking about the next flick, on Monstervision, the Legend of Boggy Creek. And how the director was meticulous about detailing the true accounts of Bigfoot in a Texas/Arkansas swamp. This film was made around the same time as Soylent Green. Again, fast forward to modern day, we have real global issues happening in the world, and corporate channels like AnimalPlanet waste time and viewers' attention on shows like "Finding Bigfoot." History will repeat itself until the apocalypse.

3 stars for Soylent (the movie, not the product) close to 3 stars for the director and actress commentary and more than 2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob

---------------------------------------

TV CARNAGE:

*Keep on rocking forever baby boomers!: Roll on with that broken hip. You have medicare.* 2 1/2 stars

*Gullible as shit: Believe anything a trio of Asian gangbanging greasers have to tell you.* close to 2 stars

*Need my medicine: Benji, the dog, and Chuck Norris on a drug bust.* between 2 and 2 1/2

*Mighty Fine Man: You Pay TOO MUCH!* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Pay day: Don't be nervous, 'cause you're gettin' laid.* 1 1/2 stars

---------------------------

Six Feet Under: The Foot *And a heavy hand. I'm once again starting not to like any of these characters (except for the cop; as a person).* close to 2 1/2 stars (biased rating not reflecting quality)

Spicy City: Sex Drive *A Sin City Marv type butts heads with his cop partner. A real crooked dame.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*Milk is sweet, bro: The cream always rises to the top. So, chew your cud, bud.* 3 stars

*Vitamix - Catch the Vision!: It takes 3 seconds to grind meat and dust mite feces.* 3 stars

*Woman versus computer!: You've pushed the wrong button, bitch!* 3 stars

*BUBBLES!: "They're your friends." If you get high a lot and talk to puppets. It helps.* 2 1/2 stars

*It all ends soon!: Feral agony.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------

"Blue Ice" ---xxx--- (1985) *Nazi exploitation mixed into a noir San Francisco setting. Spliced together with so much grit that one would believe they're back in the 70s at some 42nd St. New York grindhouse theater watching it.* close to 3 stars

---- Memory Hole:

*The power of the Dark Lord: to create zany mishaps at church.* close to 3 stars

*God bless America: that old soft shoe soul of a nation.* 2 1/2 stars

*Real men meow: it's okay to admit it and to be timid about it.* 2 1/2 stars

-----------------

Rescue 911 w/ William Shatner: EZ-Mart Hostages vs. Woman with Rifle *Shoppers, redneck cops, & even the gun wielding psycho lady are all saved by a vigilante, female impersonator.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Bad Movie Beatdown: Just Go With It *An angry British guy takes a very anal (no Adam Sandler potty humor pun intended) look at another awful Adam Sandler effort. Just go with it. Lazy, uninspired filmmaking. Just go with it. Awful, horrible people celebrated. Just go with it. Rampant product placement inside the film. Just go with it. The very opposite of funny in a comedy. Just go with it. Movie studios and ticket purchasers paying for millions of dollars exotic vacation for Adam Sandler and his friends in place of an actual movie. Just go with it. And they go.* zero stars for the movie & 2 1/2 stars for the review

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Horror of Party Beach *"The day the mudskippers fought back."* 3 stars with riffing & running from close to 2 stars to close to 2 1/2 stars without riffing

A Haunting: A Haunting In Florida *Home ownership is hair-raising anxiety. Especially on sacred swampland once belonging to Native Americans.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

--- Beach MTV w/ Antonio Sabato, Jr. & Daisy Fuentes (1995):

*I used to have a teenage crush on Daisy.

*Antonio is wearing overalls and a wife beater. Douchebag attire.

*Before social media, everyone loved giving shout outs, especially from the beach.

*Stupid human tricks... First is a back-hand-spring, which is stupid, according to MTV, even though gymnastics takes a lot of talent, dedication, & training.

*Promo for the 1995 MTV Movie Awards hosted by Courtney Cox & Jon Lovitz (Odd couple there) with guests - A Baldwin (not Alec), Cindy Crawford, still a druggie & not an Iron Man Robert Downey Jr., Ice T & Chris Isaak, still an A-list actor Val Kilmer, and america's sweetheart of the time Alicia Silverstone. Performances by Boyz 2 Men, Blues Traveller, TLC & More...

*MTV is sponsored by Sunkist soda, a soda to drink outside, so they claim. Plus there's Eagle Snacks "What You Feed Your Face." (That sounds like a corporate slogan from the world of Mike Judge's Idiocracy).

*A Gen-X couple are on a jungle safari with Jolly Ranchers juicy candy and end up in a jolly rancher candy controlled temple

*"Drink in the waves! Ay! Drink everyone! huh!" A Sunkist commercial with beach party animals pounding 3 liter soda in the surf and dancing around with cases of Sunkist soda. If it was that popular, why is it so obscure now, and rarely seen on store shelves or on tv ads?

*An awesomely surreal Eagle chips ad where a guy scares off his hot date, because he has a creepy, chip munching face in his kitchen cabinets.

*Nothing says "fun in the sun" like a MTV artsy station logo reminder featuring a skeletal, black bird poking blood out of a still beating x-ray of a heart with white background.

*Next week MTV becomes MJTV as Michael Jackson takes over leading up to the premier of he and Janet's Scream video. Scream sucked, but they're also gonna show Thriller. Young ones don't get how big a deal Thriller was. They only played it on special days. There was no Youtube to go watch it on like any video ever. You could maybe own a VHS copy of it, but if you were just casually interested in seeing it, you had to wait.

*"You think you've heard it all? Listen to this!" Blockbuster is holding a sale for all their cd's for $11.99 or less. Even hot & new band Hootie and the Blowfish

*"What do you want?" "BROWNIES!" Duncan Hines "Hot Stuff" Pot sold separately.

*Visa, it's everywhere you want to be. Including the beautiful Pacific Coast Highway

*Arthouse ad for Nike & supposedly the Boys & Girls Club featuring Penny Hardaway's hoop dreams and struggles.

*A year after Kurt Cobain's suicide. Gen X can't mourn forever. So, here we are in South Beach, Miami. Woooooooooo! No more rainy Seattle

*Couples challenge... where a buff Guido (the type who'd get their own MTV show a decade later) guesses that a timid beach-babe looks up to Madonna (no duh! amirite, my sistaz?!) and they are pronounced "hot" by hooting admirers and get to "hook up."

*99 cent Batman Forever collectible glasses with carved images of Jim Carey's Riddler and other characters from the Summer blockbuster are available at McDonalds

*Bass Bomb 1-3 mix cd's from THUMP Records

*MTV News break... someday MSNBC news lady, Alison Stewart, talks about Eddie Vedder having to cancel a concert. Now she's pimping Hillary instead of Eddie

*Antonio & Daisy name drop how cool Dennis Hopper is for some reason. I agree. Can't imagine modern MTV personalities namedropping a badass actor over 40 much less 50

*It's also strange to look back at the era of MTV video disc jockeys. They've gone the way of the dinosaur. Maybe some other music channels still have them, but they're gone from basic cable music channels (which I still have). If you can call them music channels.

*Now, MTV is reality tv and MTV2 (which was supposed to take over as an all music channel when MTV began running mostly shows)... MTV2 is the Wayans Bros. & Martin Lawrence sitcom marathon station. Why this channel programs like this, and is able to survive, is beyond me

*Odd juxtaposition by MTV creative as we go to break with Ice Cube & Dr. Dre's hit song Natural Born Killers booming over images of beach hotties swimming underwater

*Launch Media interactive CD-Rom ad featuring a rip off of the rambling Aussie roadie from Wayne's World

*McDonald's superhero burger. It's what vigilantes obssessed with their parents' deaths eat while crying in their car after breaking a mugger's arm in three places

*Punk show 95, in Long Beach, featuring Sublime, among others, and a lazer light show. I didn't know punks liked that sort of shit. Thought it was only hippies.

*Six Flags Hurricane Harbor water park. I wonder if guys with fake Jamaican accents ever get tired of promoting the fun of whitebread families in vacation commercials

*Someone must have flipped the channel on this tape, because there's an ad for Dr. Katz. Man, I miss Penn as the voice of Comedy Central.

*TIMM, the interactive multi-media monitor for a computer. It even comes with a remote for dummies. Seems silly, but now there's netflix, hulu, xbox live, Twitch, all these apps we pretty much use on our tv in a similar fashion. TIMM might not have caught on, but the idea eventually would.

*One of the Friends (the one with the monkey) signs up for AT&T long distance savings  and flirts, nervously, with the tele-services lady. Lame.

*John Madden is a wizard ogre who can make jocks' feet catch on fire if they don't use his foot fungus healing potion.

*A male hotbody contest followed by a Bryan Adams music video. MTV, barf inducing.

*MTV News Break talking about the upcoming Michael Jackson & Lisa Marie interview with Diane Sawyer. Strange days, indeed.

 2 1/2 stars for Daisy, 1 1/2 stars for Antonio, 1 star for MTV, zero stars for those beach goers, and close to 3 stars for the goofy commercials

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Deadpit.com presents Retro Wrestling Night: WCW Beach Blast 1993               (a review) *Just two Kentucky guys talking about wrestling, while in a bedroom, just in their socks.* 2 stars or zero stars for the zero production values and shaky camcorder recording

Predator in Mortal Kombat X (2015) *Whoda thunk that a monster/alien from an 80s action movie would endure interest for two decades? While lesser creatures from the likes of Independence Day & Battlefield Earth reside in purgatory, this ugly son of a bitch creeps through the collective horror / sci fi fan subconscious. Collecting trophy skulls from popular video game characters, like Johnny Cage, and having horror fan dream-match battles versus Jason Vorhees.* 3 stars

"The Slayer" (1982) -uncut- *Edvard Munch paints a portrait of Freddy Krueger.* 3 stars

TV Carnage: Ouch Television My Brain Hurts *"3 weeks ago I was running for president. Now I'm on t.v. with a guy in a bug suit."* close to 3 stars

Red Letter Media presents Scientist Man Explains Terminator Genisys *Marky Mark escapes the ape planet and his tardis crashlands on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial during President Biff Tanner's 2017 inaugural speech. Meanwhile, in the crowd, Travis Bickle bumps into Morpheus who hands him the remote from Adam Sandler's movie Click. He uses it to pause the actors, on the set of Pineapple Express, in 2007(?),  while they're having an existential high moment. Therefore, Rise of the Planet of the Apes never happens. Or does it? Yet? Or it already has...? maybe in another timeline.* 3 stars

--- Phone Losers:

*Church calls - Fart Demon: It was a fight for survival that broke out in revival.* close to 2 stars

*Disabled Postman: Inconvenienced by the impaired.* 2 1/2 stars

*Church prank calls - sex offenders: I'm required, by law, to tell you that I'll be there, on Sunday, in your house of worship, with my parole officer.* close to 3 stars

*Food Stamp Tacos: "Thank you for not making me any."* 2 1/2 stars

*Google streetview - There goes the neighborhood: concerns of the rich.* 2 stars

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WWF Summerslam pre-show (1989) *"A one way trip to the sun" featuring Hulkster, Tiny Lister, Macho Man, Scary Sherri, Brutus the Barber, Ravishing Rick, Andre the Giant, Ultimate Warrior, Bobby the Brain, and Mean Gene. Okay, Gene looks like he'd be a better barber than Brutus would.* 3 stars

--- Everything Is Terrible:

*God's muscle: Have you payed your protection money to the Lord or are you gonna sleep with the fishes?* close to 3 stars

*Join the military!: "I knew it was awesome, but not this awesome!"* 1 star

*Don't trust adults!: Especially the Zucchini Bros. Band.* 2 1/2 stars

*Let's get flairing!: Entertain drunks by juggling.* zero stars

*Bio-magnetic touch healing sensual rubdown: "When in doubt, just touch" the sensitive areas of naked men. "Aloha."* 3 stars

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"Super Mecha Kucha Happy Fun Monkey Bash DX Part 4" *If thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, dip it in wasabi and put it back in skull.* close to 3 stars

"Summer of Tears in American Gladiators" *A sketch comedy group splice themselves into a "classic" & cheesy, reality competition.* 3 stars

"Snog Marry Avoid" season 6 episode 3 *The fashion-nightmare spawn of Boy George meet a fascist, ice-queen robot in a wardrobe.* 2 stars

--- USA Up All Night w/ Rhonda Shear (1992): Summer School Teachers (1974)

*Rhonda is dressed up like a sexy cowgirl at L.A. niteclub Denim & Diamonds

*This is a country/western line dancing bar around the time that "Achy Breaky Heart" (barf) was popular.

*It's nice to see Rhonda twist her hips, though

*Rhonda flirts with some big hunky urban cowboy yuppies

*Rhonda jokingly says that Ross Perot is in Summer School Teachers

*Rhonda recommends football strategy to prevent pregnancy

*Another strong women of the 1970s sex comedy from Corman's New World Pictures.

1 star for the honky tonk 2 1/2 stars for the flick and 3 stars for Rhonda

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"Summer Beach House" (1980) ---xxx--- *The thing that stands out most in this flick is the dingy yellow color scheme. It's on everything from the walls, furniture, floral bed sheet pattern, lamp shades. Nightmarishly probably still in the never redecorated homes of cat ladies, everywhere, on Dead End St. USA. In the malaise of their nicotine stained reclusive lives, they'd pull back their gown to reveal, to a stranger, a frighteningly wiry figurative pussycat. Also, I wanna comment on old school lady massagers. So white and antiseptic. Like a suppository. Now, dildos are mostly medieval looking & hot pink.* between 1 1/2 & 2 stars

--- Joe Bob's Drive-In (1991): Fred Olen Ray's Beverly Hills Vamp (1989)

*Joe Bob pontificates on what it would have been like if Wilfred Brimley & Regis Philbin, among others, had discovered America

*Drive In Totals... 9 dead bodies.. 11 breasts..

*Jerry Lewis wannabe Eddie Deezen is on the menu for fanged vixens. Highlights: dripping with love for kitschy Hollywood. Priest, producer, secretary, and butler steal the show. Deezen sucks. Bauer seduces as usual. Britt Ecklund underused. Some scenes like with the convenience store lady & motel cleaning lady felt more like the joke was our time watching was being wasted instead of the scene being funny, like it was an injoke on the set (don't do that, Fred). Tim Conway Jr., talented somewhat.

2 1/2 stars for Joe Bob (TMC didn't give him enough time to talk) & running from 1 1/2 to between 2 & 2 1/2 stars for the flick

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--- Phone Losers:

Dead Lawn Hippies: "My free speech is no to your free speech. I'm a loose cannon and into being organic." close to 3 stars

Convenience Store Confessions: Fine line between anarchy and being an asshole for no reason.* close to zero stars

FedEx Box of Ticks: "I know no one in New Mexico and I didn't order a box full of ticks." 2 stars

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Gerhard Reinke's America: Gerhard Reinke in Sante Fe, New Mexico and Colorado *Riding the sky snake while with dry sinuses.* 3 stars

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