#can i just get covid and die yet. can we just go ahead with it please

[leonardcohenofficial]

here’s the NYtimes interview with alan alda reflecting on the fiftieth anniversary of M*A*S*H (text below the cut)!!

By Saul Austerlitz Published Sept. 16, 2022 Updated Sept. 17, 2022, 1:10 p.m. ET

When we think of the default mode of much of contemporary television — mingling the tragic and the offhand, broad comedy and pinpoint sentiment — we are thinking of a precise mixture of styles, emotions and textures first alchemized by “M*A*S*H.”

Created by Larry Gelbart and Gene Reynolds, “M*A*S*H” aired on CBS from 1972 to 1983. (It is currently available to stream on Hulu.) Over the course of its 11-year run, it featured alcohol-fueled high jinks and other shenanigans alongside graphic surgical sequences and portrayals of grief, blending comedy and drama in a fashion rarely seen before on television. Set among the doctors and nurses of a Korean War mobile surgical unit, “M*A*S*H” made use of the mockumentary episode decades before “The Office” ever tried it, featured blood-drenched story lines long before “The Sopranos” and killed off beloved characters without warning well before “Game of Thrones.”

The “M*A*S*H” series finale, titled “Goodbye, Farewell, and Amen,” remains the most-watched non-Super Bowl program ever broadcast on American TV. The heart of the series was Alan Alda, who played the acerbic and devoted surgeon Hawkeye Pierce throughout the show’s more than 250 episodes and also wrote and directed dozens of them.

The actor revisited “M*A*S*H” in a video interview ahead of the show’s 50th anniversary, on Sept. 17. Alda, 86, who was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease in 2015, discussed famous scenes, the series’s battles with CBS (“They didn’t even want us to show blood at the beginning”) and why he thinks the audience connected so deeply with “M*A*S*H.” These are edited excerpts from the conversation.

How have you been feeling?

Good, thank you. You mean with regard to Parkinson’s or the Covid or what?

All of the above, I suppose.

Parkinson’s I’m on top of. And I haven’t come down with Covid yet.

What does it mean to you to know that people are still interested in “M*A*S*H” 50 years later?

I got the script submitted to me when I was making a movie in the Utah State Prison. And it was the best script I had seen since I’d been in prison. I called my wife and I said: “This is a terrific script, but I don’t see how I can do it. Because we live in New Jersey, and it has to be shot in L.A. And who knows? It could run a whole year.” To go from that to 50 years later, it’s still getting, not only attention but it’s still getting an audience, is a surprise.

What kinds of conversations did you have with Larry Gelbart before the show began?

With “All in the Family,” I think the door was open to doing stories about things that really mattered. So when I got out of prison and went down to L.A. to talk to them, the night before we started rehearsing the pilot, I wanted us all to agree that we wouldn’t just have high jinks at the front. That it would take seriously what these people were going through. The wounded, the dead. You can’t just say it’s all a party. And we talked until about 1 in the morning at a coffee shop in Beverly Hills.

Do you feel there was a shift over the first season away from the booze-fueled humor of the early episodes?

Yeah, there was. Partly because people who were submitting story lines thought that that’s what was wanted. Larry Gelbart rewrote most of the shows the first season. Midway through the first season, there was a show called “Sometimes You Hear the Bullet,” and that was a real turning point. Because in that show, a friend of Hawkeye’s shows up among the wounded, and he dies on the operating table. That’s the moment where McLean Stevenson [as Lt. Col. Henry Blake] says: “There’s two rules in war: Young men die, and then Rule 2 is there’s nothing you can do about it.” Something like that. [The exact quote: “There are certain rules about a war. And rule No. 1 is young men die. And rule No. 2 is, doctors can’t change rule No. 1.”]

The network was furious about this. Some guy in charge of programming said, “What is this, a situation tragedy?” Soon after that, we were getting more popular. And the more popular you get, the less they complain.

Was CBS also concerned about the language used to tell these stories?

The most striking example to me was early in the series. Radar [Gary Burghoff] is explaining to somebody that he’s unfamiliar with something. And he said, “I’m a virgin at that, sir.” With no sexual context. It was just that he’d never done something before. And the CBS censor said: “You can’t say the word ‘virgin.’ That’s forbidden.” So the next week, Gelbart wrote a little scene that had nothing to do with anything. A patient is being carried through on a stretcher. And I say, “Where you from, son?” And he says, “The Virgin Islands, sir.”

Early in the show’s run, Gelbart and Reynolds went to South Korea and recorded 22 hours of interviews with doctors, nurses, pilots and orderlies there. How did those interviews make their way into story lines for the show?

We had reams of transcripts of those conversations. I would go through them looking for ideas for stories. And I could see that the other writers were doing the same thing, because there’d be circles around sentences and words. Sometimes one little phrase would spark the imagination of one of us, and that phrase could turn into a story.

Larry and Gene went to Korea at the end of the second season, and they got a lot of material for stories. But they had also found that we had, by paying attention to the lives that they lived, we had made up stories that were very similar to things that had actually happened.

People may not remember that you directed 32 episodes of “M*A*S*H” and wrote 19 episodes. How did you start getting interested in writing and directing?

At the end of the first season, I wrote a show called “The Longjohn Flap.” I borrowed the idea of “La Ronde,” but made it long johns instead because it was reflective of what their lives were like in the cold. I had been trying to learn writing since I was 8 years old. I wanted to be a writer before I wanted to be an actor.

Were there story lines that you thought “M*A*S*H” hadn’t quite tackled yet that you wanted to bring into the world of the show as a writer and director?

When I wrote, I tried to find out a little bit more about each of the characters. Who is Klinger [Jamie Farr] really? What was underneath — I almost said, what was underneath the dresses. [Laughs.] What was underneath the wearing of the dresses? Who was Margaret [Loretta Swit]?

I see on the internet that people assumed that because I was politically active, trying to get the Equal Rights Amendment passed, that in my writing I was trying to make political points, too. And I wasn’t. I really don’t like writing that passes as entertainment when it’s really propaganda. I want to hear a human story.

The unexpected death of Colonel Blake (McLean Stevenson) in the Season 3 finale, “Abyssinia, Henry,” remains one of the biggest surprises in television history. What was it like to shoot that sequence?

Gelbart showed me the scene. I think [it was] the morning of the shoot. I knew, but nobody else knew. He wanted to get everybody’s first-time reactions. And it really affected Gary Burghoff on camera. I think everybody was grateful for the shock.

It shocked the audience, too. I had a letter from a man who complained that he had to console his 10-year-old son who was sobbing. But it was one of the ways for the adults in the audience to realize that another aspect of war is that things happen that you don’t expect.

Was there ever a point when you got tired of fighting the Korean War on TV? The old joke is the show lasted almost four times as long as the actual war.

Around a year before we finally ended it, I felt we were getting toward the end of our ability to be fresh every week. I started suggesting that we do a final movie-length episode that really could end it. First of all, we were getting too old to play these people. And after you tell stories about a group of people 250 times, it’s hard not to repeat yourself or say things that sound like they’re supposed to be funny but aren’t really.

What did it mean to you to have Hawkeye leave Korea scarred by the death of a child in the final episode?

You just described exactly what I wanted to do with all the characters on the show. I was looking for stories, each in a different way, that showed how everybody left the war with a wound of some kind. Everybody had something taken from them. And Hawkeye was just one of them.

Earlier in your career, you had been on another great military comedy, “The Phil Silvers Show,” also known as “Sergeant Bilko.” What did you learn about acting from your pre-“M*A*S*H” TV work?

The first thing I learned on the “Bilko” show was you have to know your lines before you go in for the day’s work. I had come from the stage, where I would learn my lines during rehearsal. And the first thing they did is say, “OK, you’re up for your phone conversation,” where it’s a page of dialogue. It was an eye-opening experience. [Laughs.] I staggered through that.

Why do you think the audience connected so deeply with “M*A*S*H”?

Aside from really good writing and good acting and good directing, the element that really sinks in with an audience is that, as frivolous as some of the stories are, underneath it is an awareness that real people lived through these experiences, and that we tried to respect what they went through. I think that seeps into the unconscious of the audience.

They didn’t even want us to show blood at the beginning. In the pilot, the operating room was lit by a red light, so you couldn’t tell what was blood and what wasn’t. Which, once we got picked up, was ditched.

And giving us a feel for the circumstances that the real people had to go through, so that you could see that the crazy behavior wasn’t just to be funny. It was a way of separating yourself for a moment from the nastiness.

You can’t get as harsh as it really was.

Correction: Sept. 16, 2022 An earlier version of this article described in error the viewership statistics for the series finale of “M*A*S*H.” It was the most-watched non-Super Bowl program ever broadcast on American television, in terms of total audience, not the highest-rated non-Super Bowl program. A rating refers to the percentage of TV households that watch a program. The “M*A*S*H” finale remains the highest-rated program, of any kind, ever broadcast on American television.

#mash #alan alda #M*A*S*H #tv: mash #happy reading!

[maintitle]

I watched DS9's It's Only A Paper Moon yesterday, and I want to talk about it because it wasn't until right now that I understood why it slapped me across the face so much, and why I think that episode is so important to me.

This may be triggering to people with disabilities, heart conditions, disabilities from COVID, or medical or military related trauma. Read ahead at your own risk.

I developed a heart condition at 18 from the H1N1 virus (which is why I tell all my friends to take preventive measures if they had COVID, because these kinds of new and unknown viruses can have long-lasting effects on you we don't know yet). While I had a lot of tests and missed a lot of school that year, the effects of that wouldn't be clear for years until at 24 I got a pacemaker/defibrillator put in in what we later found out was a life-saving surgery. The trauma of that event took a long time to catch up with me. While I'm still facing symptoms and limitations from that period of my life, the immediate danger has passed. But it took A LONG time for the fear of what happened to me, the PTSD of that event, to catch up with me. I've dealt with huge panic attacks and hyper-obsessive fears regarding my heart since around twenty-nine, fears I live with and fight through in therapy to this day.

As someone facing those issues, I hooked onto A Paper Moon this watch in a way I haven't before. The issue deals with the loss of Nog's leg in battle earlier in the season, a traumatic experience he had in the middle of a warzone only halfway through their defense. During his recovery, Julian begins to play recordings of I'll Be Seeing You, put together by Vic Fontaine, a semi-aware holodeck program that is really popular on DS9.

Nog returns from surgery at the beginning of the episode, and is walking with a cane. Multiple people on staff, including Julian himself, is concerned over the use of the cane because medically, he shouldn't have a need for it. He shouldn't even be in pain based off of what they know from the new leg and the nerves around it, but he's in pain and having trouble walking. A lot of the arguments in the early episode revolve around people talking behind Nog's back about how they can't understand why he has the cane or why he's in pain when there doesn't appear to be a medical reason for it.

The answer is actually incredibly simple: It's not the leg, it's the trauma from loosing the leg. Nog, who is still incredibly young in the episode, had somehow seen himself as invincible, a young cadet wanting to prove Ferengi can be incredible members of Starfleet, who had seen quite a bit of action and was cocksure, and in one moment he not only lost that bravado, but he also learned he was mortal in one horrifying singular moment.

Obviously, Nog is lucky enough to live in an era where it's possible to replace a lost limb, but that doesn't change the fact that for a horrifying unmentioned, maybe SEVERAL DAY period of time, he was left on a makeshift bed, listening to fighting outside, knowing that he could be attacked at any time, could die at any time from factors not even exterior to him. And now he just has to... go back to life after that horrifying dose of his own mortality.

The only thing that gets him by is that recording of I'll Be Seeing You by Vic Fontaine, because that's the only thing that he had to take him out of that horrifying situation while he laid on that makeshift gurney. The episode explores that idea by having him play it while trying to sleep, and eventually go to the holodeck and try to live in it with Vic after he was shamed for being in bed too long and for listening to said music for too long.

The funny thing is, Vic is the ONLY person, INCLUDING THE COUNSELOR ONBOARD DS9, who recognizes that his pain is valid. Vic, as a hologram, recognizes that his pain isn't crazy, it's as real as the injury he experienced, because Vic has a perspective that none of these hyper-worn-down Starfleet Officers or parental figures in his life has: His LIFE is a series of not-real instances of pain, of happiness, of dealing with other people he knows are holograms. Vic isn't like Moriarty in TNG, he's not like other semi-sentient Holodeck programs, he KNOWS he's a program but he also finds that life to be very real FOR HIM. The feelings of one of his bandmates are as real to him as the problems of Julian walking in to talk about one of the many women he simps for not feeling the same, because despite knowing they're not physically real, he CARES for them and takes their lives seriously.

Nog's feelings are real. His PAIN is real, even if a doctor can't understand why. Nog's in the middle of a long, extended panic attack where he's internalizing a near life-ending medical emergency and doesn't know how to DEAL with it. He loses himself in the program because it's the only place he can get past the trauma of the event, he's hostile to others who try and look at him with pity or as a hero because he doesn't want to be DEFINED by that pain. Vic knows this, and builds him up in other ways. Gives him a life to live, watches him slowly not need the cane and not even realize it, gives him tools and an environment to cope and generally is the only person that validates that trauma.

The episode is maybe one of the series best mental health episodes possible, and DS9 is generally REALLY good with these issues. As someone with medical trauma, I saw myself in Nog. I'm sure others who have experienced disabilities in the military see even more of themselves in him. We relate to it because we're constantly belittled or told our pain is in our heads, when the truth is we FEEL it. I feel it multiple times a month, when I lay down and go to bed and lay on my side just right that I can feel my heartbeat, and then I overanalyze it, and then that leads to a panic attack and me grabbing a pressure cuff or a fingertip pulse whatever it is to see if I'm okay, but by then I can't come down from the panic attack until it's done. I feel it when I'm helping someone move or if I'm on a casual walk and I feel my heartbeat spike, and my mind overreacts and wonders if this is normal exertion or a heart attack.

Not FEELS these things. It's real pain. And Vic doesn't invalidate it. It's as real as the injury itself, and it's not one that he'll ever truly conquer. But the episode gives him time, space and kindness to help him find coping mechanisms in order to continue with his life and dreams, and THAT'S Trek to me. A future where these things can be understood and worked through, without the constant shame that people with disabilities face when describing the trauma responses they suffer on a day-to-day basis.

In the end, Nog is heard. The main characters come to understand that what he felt is real. The episode gives him the time to work through complicated PTSD, and while he's not okay at the end, he's learning to live with it. And it's really fucking special to see this explored with a character we saw grow up into a man, on a show where the future is meant to be better than the present, written by writers in 1998 where they had no right to handle this as well as they did. This was an exceptionally special episode of television.

#Nog #Vic Fontaine #Holodeck #Star Trek #Star Trek: Deep Space 9 #Deep Space 9 #Star Trek: DS9 #Star Trek: Deep Space Nine #Deep Space Nine #tw: disability #tw: heart issues #tw: pacemaker/defibrillator #tw: COVID #tw: COVID-19 #tw: PTSD #tw: medical trauma #tw: Post Traumatic Stress Disorder #tw: military related medical trauma #i think that covers the tw tags #but if I need something else let me know!

[doubleddenden]

We're 5 months into 2022 as of May 22nd. It's time for another look at just how fucked we are by checking in on

The Timeline

Elon Musk buys Twitter to own the libs. Wait actually he changes his mind. Maybe actually yes. Wait. What about all the bots? Maybe no. Lots of people are jumping ship

Eurovision happened. Something about banana wolves and pussy salad? Idk man, but Ukraine won

Square Enix sold a bunch of IPs for... NFTs. Like Deus Ex and Tomb Raider. For. NFTs.

BTW NFTs and crypto fell hard recently

BTW BTW, one of the biggest NFT guys behind those ugly monkeys tried to make a dating site for themselves, then called it off because of too many dudes

Speaking of dating, Dead By Daylight is making a dating sim called DBD Hooked on You, made by the same people that made the KFC dating sim. Now you can date your favorite serial killers and be the "I can fix him" girl you've always wanted to be

Chip n Dale Rescue Rangers came back in the weirdest possible way. Look aesthetics aside, I mean it when I say weird. Like Ugly Sonic makes an appearance weird. Like two characters got together that had no business getting together weird. Like Chip n Dale not sounding like Chip n Dale weird.

You know that bird that was in Lion King? Zazu? Yeah his species is going extinct. I thought it was a toucan or something but nah, thats a Yellow Billed Horn Bill, and climate change is wiping them out.

MCR is back- again! This time Measles didn't come with them

Unfortunately Monkeypox did. Yeah turns out it's was around before in 2003 or so, even 2021. Do some googling but try not to panic. There are treatments from the looks of things so we're already better off than we were with Covid, but educate yourselves on the matter to be safe, and don't brush off warnings.

Fairly Odd Parents has a live action Paramount+ series where Timmy leaves very 2d Cosmo and Wanda to some very not 2d and live kids when he goes off to college or something idk. Btw, Vicky works at the school now. Btw btw, Vicky has a crush on- go ahead and guess- no seriously try it you'll never get it- it's Crocker. Twitchy ass FAIRY god PARENTS ass ear on his neck ass Crocker. Yeah she was 16 during the regular show and he was still middle aged and yes this did come out of nowhere, why do you ask?

Digimon Survive survived development hell and is actually coming out in like 2 months, and seems like it might be a VN with Tactical RPG elements and a karma system- oh and teens will probably die, most definitely

Avatar actually put out a trailer for its new movie. No no not the fun one with the bald kid or buff tomboy- the one with blue people that have sex with their hair

Warner Bros really weren't joking when they decided to make a co-op Smash clone of characters like Batman, Arya Stark, Jake the Dog, and Ultra Instinct Shaggy. It's real. I swear I saw it. I stg Batman and UI Shaggy really fought against Bugs Bunny and fucking Arya Stark. I wish I was lying.

Kingdom Hearts 4 is announced, and Sora has gone down from a size 32 clown shoe to a size 13 as he steps into the most disturbingly realistic world in the franchise yet.

Oh and this was a couple of months back, but Robert Pattison and Zoë Kravitz were interviewed by a Vtuber named LaPlus (La+?) Darkness from the Japanese side of Hololive, where she asked him how he used the bathroom in the Batman suit, and he gave a fun answer. He actually looked happy

And to end it on a somewhat bittersweet note. Scrat finally got the nut. That fucked up squirrel from Ice Age that caused several natural disasters, broke the laws of physics, broke EARTH- he finally. Finally got his nut. His struggle is over.

Until we meet again

#the timeline #twitter #kh4 #kingdom hearts #elon musk #digimon #fairly odd parents #avatar 2 the way of water #hololive #laplus darknesss #robert pattison #multiverses #ultra instinct shaggy #scrat #ice age #mcr #my chemical romance #NFT #eurovision #dead by daylight #dbd hooked on you #chip n dale movie #monkeypox #added that for filters #this was just a fun recap #im not a news source nor am i anywhere near it

[shinidamachu]

Hi Sid. I'm not from Brazil but amidst your elections, I hope that you are well. 😊💓

Thank you so much! That's very sweet of you.

Well... I'm honestly not as okay as I thought I'd be, but I'm better now that the dust has settled than I was yesterday, when the results came out.

See, Brazil has always been a very divided country, politically speaking. And historically, a run-off for presidency, especially between a left-winged and a right winged candidate is nothing new.

The thing is: Bolsonaro's not a right winged candidate. He's a far right winged candidate. A genocine, a straight up fascist who flirts with nazism and allowed almost 700k brazilians to die in the pandemic because he wouldn't buy the goddamn vaccine, encourage people to stay at home or wear a mask. He underastimated COVID-19 and made fun of people while they died from lack of oxygen.

And I'm a little mad at myself because I allowed myself to be hopeful that four years of this shit would be enough for people to defeat him in the first round, like the polls indicated, but that's not what happened. Over 50 million brazilians voted for this guy even still.

That's very scary and disappointing because this is very close to the votes he got in 2018. Only in 2018 we could excuse people's behavior because Bolsonaro presented himself as an outsider. Even if the left knew exactly who he was and what he would do, other people didn't really know him and payed to see what his government would be like. Now that they do, they still choose to vote for him.

It's all very sad because they aren't being fooled. They aren't voting for him because of their "hatred for corruption" or because of the goddamn economy. It's clear now: they're voting for Bolsonaro because they see themselves in him. They agree with his anti-black, women, envirimentalist, indigenous and LGBTQIA+ ideologies.

And while the left winged parties were busy casting their energy in getting this man out of office, a lot of his allies were ellected for congress, some of them with eight years long terms, which is gonna be a real pain in the ass to fix in the decades to come.

It's just... heartbreaking to see first hand how a country I love so much can hate me and people like me with such intensity. Lula will win the run-off and that's a very important first step, but the road ahead still looks long and bleak because even if Bolsonaro gets defeated, bolsonarism won't go down this easily. That much was clear last night.

Anyway, I'm allowing myself to feel sad and bitter for now, but tomorrow's a new day and we have a lot of work to do. This is not over yet.

#Anon: I hope that you are well #Me with Only The Young playing on repeat: no yeah I'm doing fine #Sidmailing #Brazil #Brasil #Politics #2022 Brazilian Elections

[roosterforme]

ok so i have some like drama & i need a little advice if u wouldn’t mind😅 (also fair trigger warning at the end i do mention someone ik having suicidal thoughts so if you’re not comfortable i understand)

so i’m 21 but i got ahead in school (i finished my undergrad last spring & im currently in grad school) & over the summer i decided to join the “party” scene (mostly bc i felt like finishing early + covid robbed me of my college years) (also worst mistake of my life bc that was the worst summer i’ve ever had)

i ended up coming out of the summer w/ little bit of a drinking problem as well. fast forward to nov, my friend group split into 2 groups bc one liked another & he didn’t like him back. so obvi i go w/ one friend bc he’s my bff & this girl i didn’t know all that well “joins” our “side”. she’s 24 almost & the complete opposite to me (not saying that it’s bad it’s just i’m a rlly studious/reserved person most of the time, call me boring i would prefer to stay home & watch a shitty movie where as she is big into partying & super outgoing)

i wanted to distance myself from her before the friend group broke up just bc i knew we didn’t have a lot in common + she also belittled me & tried to force me into her own habits sometimes (making fun of my obsession w/ top gun, joking abt the one guy she knows i’ve been w/ when she’s been w/ guys way worse, making fun of me for liking taylor swift, screaming at me for not finishing the rest of a bottle of liquor (we had already drank half of it earlier) at 6 am when the party ended 3 hours prior, trying to get me to do molly/coke when i told her no so many times)

so anyways, finally like 2 days ago she called my friend & i a loser bc we both used dating apps to find guys instead of going to bars or something (idk why he would be a loser, he’s not even 21 yet, how’s he gonna get inside the bar??) (i’m also usually pretty non confrontational, esp w/ her bc ik she can get heated but i was severely sleep deprived/stressed) so i told her if we’re losers than what is she since the last guy she was in love w/ & met at a bar had gone to jail & was currently going back soon. all she said was that she wasn’t gonna talk to us the rest of the week & i didn’t even respond bc i didn’t care. the next day my other friend in the gc was like “u should talk to so & so” & i was like listen idc anymore & he tried saying he knew i cared when i don’t… i even told him i don’t have time to care (since i’m in grad school + working & the only free time i have is used for tgm tumblr or tiktok😭) i mean he shouldn’t rlly be all that surprised since i had told him in october i was gonna distance myself from her bc our lifestyles/morals (she literally drinks & drives & does not care) just weren’t the same.

my thing is, am i a cunt for just like ghosting her?? i was already planning on it so long ago. i thought maybe i could try to stick it out w/ her but i just couldn’t, esp when she just didn’t try to understand why i’ve had to give up certain things bc of my schooling/career path (she’s never gone to college + her job is… well her coworkers are 16-18 while she is 24 if that says anything). it was also rlly hard to deal w/ her constant texts abt wanting to die/kill herself (i’ve tried helping as much as i could, but as someone who has dealt w/ thoughts abt that stuff & out of recovery it’s hard to be around someone with them) she has tried to snap me twice w/ pics & i just left her on open but idk, i probably am a bitch tbh 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nope, ghost away, nonny. Ghost away.

[thebangtancloud]

Every performance of theirs since the dinner gives off this really bittersweet feeling. Not even an exaggeration, I'm always teary eyed by the end. Knowing what we know now, and them performing those songs knowing that we'll know a part of the truth in a couple of days, the sadness and struggle can really be seen in their visage. You can practically see the "I wont get to stand with these 6 brothers of mine in a stage for a while and perform like this in front of army so I just gotta really soak everything in and be in the moment" expression they give off.

I know they aren't on a hiatus perse but they clearly stated that their priority atm will be their solo careers. Yes bts contents will still be released but I dont think it'll be anything major or performance like. Maybe with the exception on armys birthday? We'll just have to wait and see.

I really love them and it hurts me that it came to the point where they lost sight of themselves. Really a huge fuck you to covid. Sorry for sorta ranting outta the blue. Feel free to just ignore this if it bothers you.

Honestly? I've been wanting to rant about this quite a bit too, but I really didn't have the strength to do it. I feel everything you said, and the day I listened to Yet to Come and For Youth, it didn't really hit me. Not even when they had the festa dinner.

It was when I was watching the BTS Tiny Desk Concert (which is almost like a ritual cuz I play it every evening while the sun sets) and I heard them say, "Hey, we are BTS!"

It really...broke me.

Do you know why? Not cuz I won't get to hear them say that in a while. It really made me think of the pain they might be feeling because they won't get to say this for a while.

There really are just so many things about every single day that has passed since the 10th of June. Idk if it's just me...but I feel like the boys don't feel like BTS anymore? There would be moments when the boys would individually claim, "but I am BTS." and to hear Namjoon say that no he's not BTS, he's just a part of it, really...idk. Idk why that hurts. Must be me and my overthinking mind.

I get his point though, and as a leader, fuck. I respect that man so much. The responsibility? The burden? It was SO evident in his words, in his tears. Can you even begin to think what it's like? You're BTS and you're at the top of the world with literally every second person knowing who you are - and you just know that you can't go further. I get him when he said that they had a message to share, and I get him when he cried. But when he said that he felt like he overshared and caused misunderstanding? Let me just go cry in a corner.

And it's not easy for any of them. You can see that in their eyes during their performances. Fuck. I'm tearing up rn. But i don't wanna make this about me, or any of us. It's about BTS.

They offered themselves completely for the past 10 years. Completely, you hear me? And they deserve this break. They deserve every bit of mental peace and time and space that they're choosing to take for themselves and no one should have a say in that.

If I could, I'd really write to them and tell them just how much I support them. That I'll always be here. That it's okay to feel what they're feeling. It's okay to cry and it's okay to not be able to see what's ahead. It's all okay, even when nothing's okay.

Bangtan sonyeondan forever.

On a side note: I have full faith that BTS will come back. A part of me that broke when One Direction went on a hiatus and promised to come back really holds me back from believing that BTS will come back. But a major part of me, the part that BTS touched like no other group, the part that taught me life like no other group, really really doesn't let that hope die out. BTS are true to their word, they've always been, and they always will be. They'll come back, mark my words.

[platonicximagines]

Platonicximagines

Imagine:: being Tabitha Smiths Drive to Beaks house

Alcohol mentioned

Another long ass night of driving ahead of you. Music mix. Set.

Snacks. Check.

Energy drinks. Check.

Patience? None.

It isn't long before the streets give you your first riders. you barely survive through fifteen minutes of small talk but you turn on your classic ' customer service' shark smile. managing to outlast the drive to the air port.

The arguing couple pitch fits about their covid tests with one another until it becomes comical. Your mind inserts a laugh track, this would be fantastic if it was Will and Grace style.

But this was reality.

'Baeby you ain't boarding that plane if your test isn't back yet'

You'd let them find that out for themselves, after all they've been 'planning it for months' and the way they went at each others throats was enough bad vibes for one ride.

Pulling up to release them onto the airport pavement where they belong was a Glorious moment. But the day got better: your phone buzzes, a new ride request. A great reason to not make eye contact as the squabbling duo exits.

But when your eyes land on the trip the windshield is coated with your *redacted brand flavor* energy drink.

That was so far. Were they serious?!

Would it be worth it? Impulse was your middle name.

You hit yes.

One person. One ride.

Either you were about to die or it was about to be a good night- and she better tip really fucking well.

Picking up Ms. Tabitha Smith- a woman with a contradictory ride rating was easy enough.

Just a short slide down town to the Krakoan gate, you have the route memorized by heart and could probably get there blind folded.

" Mss Smith?"

" Aye! Sup."

Immediately you notice it. " you drunk?"

" Yeah" click of the seat belt and she takes another drink from her bottle.

Okay. There's a dead beat of silence.

" need a water or anythin?"

" Maybe later we got time."

An boy was that the understatement. It was a few hours at least. " yeah we do you just lemme know when you want to stop for food. I'll need to stop for gas but otherwise I'll take you straight tBliss.

Pulling out onto the road the two of you set off, base thumping, knocking back energy drinks,and sitting in silence.

Pure bliss.

The drive was turning out to be worth it. There was a few moments of fear and regret: was she going to puke? Would the tip be worth it? Was she going to pass out and you have to drive her to a hospital? Were you about to be murdered?

You were pleasantly surprised how she held her liquor and she paid for everything. From the gas at the station to full blown meals for the two of you.

" I can't let you pay for tha-" you protested as she slid her card for the gas in front of God and everyone. A clear company violation.

All you were met by was a hand full of glowing orange bombs and a wicked smirk. " yes you can, you don't have a choice."

Sweeping bags of food into the car she adds, you were kidnapped. Deal with it. Now shut up,eat, and drive."

You glanced back in the rear view mirror returning her playful grin. " Yes maam."

Tabitha Smith was getting a high rating from you.

Sure the trip was batshit. But she was treating you so well you couldnt care.

Every now and then she'd make a comment about a song and it would spark a short conversation. Otherwise you'd see her scrolling her phone, which made you the super hero an hour in when you passed her back the charging cable right when her phone started to due.

" oh shit ! you're good." Snatching it from your hands she's back to scrolling.

" it's my job." You reply smoothly, " you kick ass and take names. I drive people places and try not to get squished by robots or aliens while driving people places."

" robots and aliens? In Oklahoma? Pftt"

" yeah children of the corn." She made a horror movie track noise and then snorted " nothing I can't handle."

" Hey laugh it off city girl but we have our megalomaniacs too."

By the time you pull up to the corn lined road the two of you had exchanged social media's. "Lemme out here."

" in the corn? What about the children??? You're not worried about getting attacked?"

" Nah I do the attacking. Xman remember. " She takes a drink and off comes the seat belt.

Breaking to the shoulder you glance in the mirror. " should I call someone for you or?"

Her glasses lower and the look she gives says everything; a chiding ' who do you think I am' but also a ' fuck no'. She was such a bitch it was great.

" Alright you have fun then."

Thump the door slammed and you watched her disappear into a corn field. You debated waiting and counting the cash there, or driving and seeing if she got to her location okay.

Getting out she hands you a ridiculous wad of cash. " Hey y/n? Take a week off."

But then you remembered she had said ' business' and you took your cue. Pulling off into the sunset down a dusty Oklahoma road ignoring the gunfire that echoes. She's an Xman. She's got this.

The next day you sent her a message

"👍???"

She responded " 💥🩹"

Look at you making friends.

#new mutants #tabitha smith #xmen #xmen imagines #new mutant imagines

[jdgo51]

DAILY DEVOTIONAL FOR SEPTEMBER 29, 2022

A Message from God

By Sammar Aaroom (Punjab, Pakistan)

READ MARK 5:21-43

The Lord said, “You will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.”

JEREMIAH 29:12 (NIV)

"My husband had been ill for several days, and we were worried he may have contracted the COVID-19 virus. We live with our parents and young children, and the idea of spreading the virus to them troubled us. We had him tested for the virus, and we found it challenging to wait patiently for the results.

Each evening after dinner my children, their caretaker, and I gather to read a passage from a children’s Bible. That evening when I opened the Bible to our story for the day, the title was “Jesus Heals.” I flipped back a page thinking maybe I had skipped ahead, but I hadn’t. I was filled with heartfelt gratitude because I knew God was speaking to me. I told my children’s caretaker about how God speaks to us through scripture. We need only to approach God faithfully, and God will guide us through our trials.

That night as I read aloud the story of Jesus giving life to Jairus’s sick daughter, I was assured that whatever test results my husband received, God would lead us through the tribulation. It was a peaceful night." We can count on God. Regardless of our situation, He will fix the problem. This assurance is very comforting.

TODAY'S PRAYER

"Dear God, guide our paths as we face everyday trials. Help us not to be anxious but rather assured of your presence and protection. Amen."

Mark 5:21-43

"'21 Jesus crossed the lake again, and on the other side a large crowd gathered around him on the shore. 22 Jairus, one of the synagogue leaders, came forward. When he saw Jesus, he fell at his feet 23 and pleaded with him, “My daughter is about to die. Please, come and place your hands on her so that she can be healed and live.” 24 So Jesus went with him. A swarm of people were following Jesus, crowding in on him. 25 A woman was there who had been bleeding for twelve years. 26 She had suffered a lot under the care of many doctors, and had spent everything she had without getting any better. In fact, she had gotten worse. 27 Because she had heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his clothes. 28 She was thinking, If I can just touch his clothes, I’ll be healed. 29 Her bleeding stopped immediately, and she sensed in her body that her illness had been healed. 30 At that very moment, Jesus recognized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and said, “Who touched my clothes?” 31 His disciples said to him, “Don’t you see the crowd pressing against you? Yet you ask, ‘Who touched me?’” 32 But Jesus looked around carefully to see who had done it. 33 The woman, full of fear and trembling, came forward. Knowing what had happened to her, she fell down in front of Jesus and told him the whole truth. 34 He responded, “Daughter, your faith has healed you; go in peace, healed from your disease.” 35 While Jesus was still speaking with her, messengers came from the synagogue leader’s house, saying to Jairus, “Your daughter has died. Why bother the teacher any longer?” 36 But Jesus overheard their report and said to the synagogue leader, “Don’t be afraid; just keep trusting.” 37 He didn’t allow anyone to follow him except Peter, James, and John, James’ brother. 38 They came to the synagogue leader’s house, and he saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. 39 He went in and said to them, “What’s all this commotion and crying about? The child isn’t dead. She’s only sleeping.” 40 They laughed at him, but he threw them all out. Then, taking the child’s parents and his disciples with him, he went to the room where the child was. 41 Taking her hand, he said to her, “Talitha koum,” which means, “Young woman, get up.” 42 Suddenly the young woman got up and began to walk around. She was 12 years old. They were shocked! 43 He gave them strict orders that no one should know what had happened. Then he told them to give her something to eat." The miracles of Jesus amaze us. The woman's faith, alone, healed her. She knew in her heart that healing would come if only she was to touch His garment. And with Jairus' daughter was brought back after they were sure she had died. Jesus state, "She's only sleeping." Which made a permanent thing turn to a solvable situation. We stand in awe of who Jesus is and praise Him in the ministry of Biblical times and now. Have the faith that will heal you. Be blessed! Joe

[significantfoliage]

911 S3 E11

- hmmmm I dislike seize the day as a theme when we just learned Michael has cancer 😬

- SKSJSKSKSJ I MISSED THIS KINDA STUPID STUNT, YOU GO BOYS, FISH THAT MAN OUT THE SKY

- okay the woman asking if Eddie and Buck were single was a very good moment lol

- huh how far ahead in time have we gone? Radiation treatment being done but not working means it's been a minute so, have Hen and Karen fostered yet?? 👀

- does that mean Buck is no longer blood thinner boy?

- DID CHIMS BROTHER FUCKING RUN AWAY FROM HOME TO HIS BROTHER

- fucking obsessed, I love Albert already, just throw him at Buck, it'll be great!!

- Chim really can't keep his couch empty SKSJSKSKSJ

- this man's handling of this fish is Stressing Me Out

- the onlookers being grossed out and vomiting like y'all could've Left!!

- everytime they have a Skype call ending and specify Skype, I'm thrown into a "oh fuck this was pre Covid" mindset

- lolol I'm not used to Chim having so long opinions

- HAHAHA Buck being the one to spill the dirt through the girlfriend rather than the 118 pipeline for once

- Chim why not introduce Albert to the 118, Buck is a great baby sitter! Plus, that used to be his couch XD

- Hen and Karen are going to over prep for this, aren't they

- love everytime Hen operates heavy machinery, very hot

- this was a bad scene to follow my choice to get snacks, really, an evisceration now?????

- Harrison should seize the day. But also, I can't imagine laughing is a Good thing to do with your guts out 😅 but also, fucking great joke I'm literally still laughing about it

- oh noooo, Chim is gonna be mad about his brother stealing his space

- Chim's eye roll is So Good!! Also I was right about Buck getting along with Albert

- they're never gonna explain the chimney thing and I respect that

- love that Miles and Justin might work out NEVERMIND MILES 100% ALSO HAS A CRUSH THIS IS TOO PRECIOUS

- Katie my fucking hero

- the significant eye contact Chim and Hen are making while Katie reads Justin's love letter like "is this seriously happening? Are we letting this happen?" Are Killing Me 😂

- ma'am please just hand Miles the paper

- la vie en rose playing for all of this is so good

- Justin 100% was gonna ask Chimney to kill him but looks like he's gonna get a happy ending anyways

- HEN WHY DID YOU BRING ALBERT TO THIS EVENT

- I am once again begging to meet the Buckley parents

- yes I love Albert but also can anyone please empathize with Chim, especially Hen

- damn I uh. I think Albert doesn't know what really went do with Chim. Which, from my understanding, was him mom dying and then his dad marrying another woman and leaving Chim in America.....

- YALL THIS DRUNKEN CHIM EXPLANATION IS WHY ONE OF YOU SHOULD'VE THOUGHT AHEAD

- Ive taken like three times as long as this scene runs to watch this speech cause Chim is my favorite and it hurts to see him down like this

- see this is why someone needed to help facilitate a Chim and Albert family discussion. Obviously home wasn't great for Albert or else he wouldn't have run away and described it as stifling. But we also know that Chim didn't do this epic push back against their dad that Albert believes happened. Just. Fucking. Talk to each other!!!!

- OH NO KEVIN!!!!!! SERIOUSLY 118 FAM, HOW DID NONE OF YOU SEE THIS COMING???

- .....wait. wait, fuck. Chim has been there the longest, does anyone else know about Kevin????

- THANK YOU MADDIE FOR BEING WORRIED ABOUT CHIM

- BUCKLEY PARENTS LORE "not bad people just bad parents" IM SO HYPE

- yeah my parents update their will like semi regularly any time there's any financial change

- debating if them showing Michael's place means they've now invested enough in the set design that he probably won't die OR if it means that they're ready to let him go but he's going out with more development to really make it hurt 🤔

- gosh I love May, she's developed really well

- anyways Albert and Chim both need therapy 🌟

- I genuinely think things would be less tense if Albert lived with Buck but at least everyone Finally Talked lol

- HEY MICHAEL YOU SHOULD STILL GET THE DOCTOR RECOMMENDED SURGERY

- HEY MICHAEL ITS BRAIN CANCER IM PRETTY SURE THEY KNOW IT'LL KILL YOU

- HEY MICHAEL PLEASE GO GET SURGEY

- yes young boys pile!! Buck and Christopher and Albert

- "this is Eddie's house, I'm not really a guest" I'm losing it yall

- three months of paper work okay okay it's like March, maybe April

- do they still call it foster failing when it's humans? Anyways, they're gonna adopt this kid

- CHIMS PARENTS ARE COMING????????

- oh the Lee's, thank goodness, I did Not want even more angst and awkward dinners

#911 #911 fox #signi watches

[bhalspawn]

my english class was canceled and my math class is now online for the first 2 weeks n im actually going to snap

#immmmmmm #theyre EXPECTING it to be in person after the first 2 weeks but they dont know and i cannot learn online. every time i fail the class #i have all my school supplies... i was so excited. now im back to this! fun! i wish i was dead! i need a therapist! but theyre all online #too! because we're still in a pandemic! and i find it so much easier to lie when im on the phone! #literally ive never had a therapist ive trusted. i cant tell them everything bc then they'll hate me there is so much shit ive just shoved #down bc i dont want anyone to know bc its embarrassing even tho i KNOW it wasnt my fault and its harming me but its too scary #and the one time! i got close to feeling like my therapist could be helpful to me! was right when the pandemic started and we started doing #phone sessions and then i stopped scheduling bc i was really uncomfortable #so now im back to wearing pjs all day and eating junkfood and crying myself to sleep i guess #and if they dont go to in person lessons it'll be too late to drop the class and i'll have already paid and i'll fail anyway #and its MATH i havent taken a math class since 2016 and i just sat in the back and listened to taz and used an app to cheat on quizzes #my first semester at my tech i got straight a's! it was the first time i'd taken classes since i'd been diagnosed w adhd #n then the second semester both my grandfather's passed away within a month of each other and THEN covid hit! so much fun! and now im stuck #can i just get covid and die yet. can we just go ahead with it please

[brightlotusmoon]

From Amy Wright via Facebook (corrected July 20 20)

"Chicken pox is a virus. Lots of people have had it, and probably don't think about it much once the initial illness has passed. But it stays in your body and lives there forever, and maybe when you're older, you have debilitatingly painful outbreaks of shingles. You don't just get over this virus in a few weeks, never to have another health effect. We know this because it's been around for years, and has been studied medically for years.

Herpes is also a virus. And once someone has it, it stays in your body and lives there forever, and anytime they get a little run down or stressed-out they're going to have an outbreak. Maybe every time you have a big event coming up (school pictures, job interview, big date) you're going to get a cold sore. For the rest of your life. You don't just get over it in a few weeks. We know this because it's been around for years, and been studied medically for years.

HIV is a virus. It attacks the immune system, and makes the carrier far more vulnerable to other illnesses. It has a list of symptoms and negative health impacts that goes on and on. It was decades before viable treatments were developed that allowed people to live with a reasonable quality of life. Once you have it, it lives in your body forever and there is no cure. Over time, that takes a toll on the body, putting people living with HIV at greater risk for health conditions such as cardiovascular disease, kidney disease, diabetes, bone disease, liver disease, cognitive disorders, and some types of cancer. We know this because it has been around for years, and had been studied medically for years.

Now with COVID-19, we have a novel virus that spreads rapidly and easily. The full spectrum of symptoms and health effects is only just beginning to be cataloged, much less understood.

So far the symptoms may include:

Fever

Fatigue

Coughing

Pneumonia

Chills/Trembling

Acute respiratory distress

Lung damage (potentially permanent)

Loss of taste (a neurological symptom)

Sore throat

Headaches

Difficulty breathing

Mental confusion

Diarrhea

Nausea or vomiting

Loss of appetite

Strokes have also been reported in some people who have COVID-19 (even in the relatively young)

Swollen eyes

Blood clots

Seizures

Liver damage

Kidney damage

Rash

COVID toes (weird, right?)

People testing positive for COVID-19 have been documented to be sick even after 60 days. Many people are sick for weeks, get better, and then experience a rapid and sudden flare up and get sick all over again. A man in Seattle was hospitalized for 62 days, and while well enough to be released, still has a long road of recovery ahead of him. Not to mention a $1.1 million medical bill.

Then there is MIS-C. Multisystem inflammatory syndrome in children is a condition where different body parts can become inflamed, including the heart, lungs, kidneys, brain, skin, eyes, or gastrointestinal organs. Children with MIS-C may have a fever and various symptoms, including abdominal pain, vomiting, diarrhea, neck pain, rash, bloodshot eyes, or feeling extra tired. While rare, it has caused deaths.

This disease has not been around for years. It has basically been 6 months. No one knows yet the long-term health effects, or how it may present itself years down the road for people who have been exposed. We literally *do not know* what we do not know.

For those in our society who suggest that people being cautious are cowards, for people who refuse to take even the simplest of precautions to protect themselves and those around them, I want to ask, without hyperbole and in all sincerity:

How dare you?

How dare you risk the lives of others so cavalierly. How dare you decide for others that they should welcome exposure as "getting it over with", when literally no one knows who will be the lucky "mild symptoms" case, and who may fall ill and die. Because while we know that some people are more susceptible to suffering a more serious case, we also know that 20 and 30 year olds have died, marathon runners and fitness nuts have died, children and infants have died.

How dare you behave as though you know more than medical experts, when those same experts acknowledge that there is so much we don't yet know, but with what we DO know, are smart enough to be scared of how easily this is spread, and recommend baseline precautions such as:

Frequent hand-washing

Physical distancing

Reduced social/public contact or interaction

Mask wearing

Covering your cough or sneeze

Avoiding touching your face

Sanitizing frequently touched surfaces

The more things we can all do to mitigate our risk of exposure, the better off we all are, in my opinion. Not only does it flatten the curve and allow health care providers to maintain levels of service that aren't immediately and catastrophically overwhelmed; it also reduces unnecessary suffering and deaths, and buys time for the scientific community to study the virus in order to come to a more full understanding of the breadth of its impacts in both the short and long term.

I reject the notion that it's "just a virus" and we'll all get it eventually. What a careless, lazy, heartless stance."

#covid 19 #quarantine 2020 #wear your masks #i apologize for humanity

[dontmeantobepoliticalbut]

President Joe Biden on Thursday announced a number of new steps his administration will take to try to get more Americans vaccinated and slow the spread of coronavirus, including requiring that all federal employees must attest to being vaccinated against Covid-19 or face strict protocols.

The new measures come amid a rise in Covid-19 hospitalizations and deaths in the US. The vast majority of those individuals with severe cases of Covid-19 are unvaccinated.

"This is an American tragedy. People are dying -- and will die -- who don't have to die. If you're out there unvaccinated, you don't have to die," Biden said during remarks at the White House. "Read the news. You'll see stories of unvaccinated patients in hospitals, as they're lying in bed dying from Covid-19, they're asking, 'Doc, can I get the vaccine?' The doctors have to say, 'Sorry, it's too late.'"

In his sternest approach yet to pushing Americans to get vaccinated, the President bluntly argued that if you are unvaccinated, "You present a problem to yourself, to your family and to those with whom you work."

Biden said every federal government employee and on-site contractor will be asked to attest to their vaccination status.

Employees who have not been vaccinated "will be required to wear a mask on the job no matter their geographic location, physically distance from all other employees and visitors, comply with a weekly or twice weekly screening testing requirement, and be subject to restrictions on official travel," the White House said ahead of Biden's speech.

The federal employee vaccination requirement is not a mandate, officials have insisted, and most federal employees who do not get vaccinated will not lose their jobs as a result, CNN previously reported.

But the decision nonetheless marks a pivot away from encouraging Americans to get vaccinated in their own time and stepping toward placing the onus on unvaccinated individuals.

Other efforts the administration debuted Thursday to incentivize vaccinations included expanding paid leave for employees who take time off to get themselves and their family members vaccinated. Biden said employers would be reimbursed. He also called on states, territories, and local governments to do more to incentivize vaccination, including offering $100 to Americans getting vaccinated, paid for with American Rescue Plan funding.

"I know that paying people to get vaccinated might sound unfair to folks who got vaccinated already. But here's the deal: if incentives help us beat this virus, I believe we should use them. We all benefit," Biden said.

The President also announced that he is ordering the Department of Defense "to look into how and when they will add Covid-19 to the list of vaccinations our Armed Forces must get."

"Our men and women in uniform, who protect this country from grave threats, should be protected as much as possible from getting Covid-19," he said. "I think this is particularly important because our troops serve in places throughout the world, many where vaccination rates are low and disease is prevalent," Biden added.

All military and civilian Defense Department personnel will be asked to attest to their vaccination status, the department said Thursday evening. Those unable or unwilling to do so will "be required to wear a mask, physically distance, comply with a regular testing requirement and be subject to official travel restrictions," Jamal Brown, deputy Pentagon press secretary, said in a statement.

The department is also considering adding the Covid vaccine to the list of required vaccines for military personnel.

"Secretary (of Defense Lloyd) Austin will begin consulting our medical professionals, as well as the Joint Chiefs of Staff, to determine how and when to make recommendations to the President with respect to adding the COVID-19 vaccines to the full list of requirements for military personnel," Brown said.

The President on Thursday also called on school districts nationwide to host at least one pop-up vaccination clinic over the coming weeks in an effort to get more kids 12 and older vaccinated.

Responding to reporter questions after his remarks, the President said he didn't know yet whether the federal government had the power to require vaccines. "It's still a question whether the federal government can mandate the whole country" require vaccines, he said, adding that he expects the vaccines will be fully approved by the US Food and Drug Administration by the fall.

But soon after the President's speech, White House Covid-19 Response Coordinator Jeff Zients told CNN's Wolf Blitzer the administration is not considering a nationwide Covid-19 vaccine requirement.

"That's not an authority that we're exploring at all," Zients said on "The Situation Room."

On Monday, the Justice Department determined that federal law doesn't prohibit public agencies and private businesses from requiring Covid-19 vaccines -- even if the vaccines have only emergency use authorization so far. Biden's aides had previously said they do not believe he has the power to require all Americans to get shots. But his oversight of the federal workforce, they believed, can be a powerful model to other employers considering their options on requiring vaccines.

But several groups representing federal workers across the government are already raising concerns about the requirement for their personnel, including groups representing federal law enforcement officers, IRS managers and members of the US Border Patrol, among others.

Other groups, like the International Federation of Professional and Technical Engineers, have come out in support.

The goal of the requirement, Biden aides have said, is to render being unvaccinated so burdensome that those who haven't received shots will have little choice other than to get them. It's an approach being tested by leaders in Europe, including French President Emmanuel Macron, who required either proof of vaccination or a negative test at public venues. And some states, including New York, have also said government employees must either prove they've been vaccinated or be tested weekly.

The White House had previously indicated it would support private companies' decisions to mandate Covid-19 vaccinations, but Biden took it a step further on Thursday, saying that he'd like to see companies, states and schools move in the direction of requiring Covid-19 vaccination.

Dr. Rochelle Walensky, director of the CDC, said Wednesday on CNN that health passes for the fully vaccinated, such as those used in parts of Europe, "may very well be a path forward."

But the President appeared to put that responsibility on businesses -- not the federal government -- on Thursday.

"My guess is that if we don't start to make more progress, a lot of businesses and a lot of enterprises are going to require proof (of vaccination) or you're not going to be able to participate," Biden said.

The prevalence of the highly contagious Delta variant in the US and low vaccine uptake have led to the federal government to take a number of steps to further mitigate the spread of Covid-19.

Zients told Blitzer that the FDA is certain that Americans don't need boosters right now, but it will continue to monitor the data.

"If they do decide that Americans need boosters, we are ready," he said. "We have the supply, and people will be able to get a booster shot -- if it's needed -- in a fast and efficient manner."

Earlier this week, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommended everyone -- including vaccinated individuals -- wear masks indoors in areas of substantial or high Covid-19 transmission. The agency also recommended masks for all K-12 children in schools, even those who have been vaccinated.

The Department of Veterans Affairs also recently announced it would require frontline health care workers to be vaccinated over the course of the next two months.

During his remarks on Thursday, Biden acknowledged frustrations over the nation's slow bounce back and the renewal of restrictions.

"We have the right plan. We're coming back. We just have to stay ahead of this virus," Biden said. "I know this is hard to hear. I know it's frustrating. I know it's exhausting to think that we're still in this fight. And I know that we hoped this would be a simple, straightforward line without problems or new challenges. But that isn't real life. (We're) coming out of the worst public health crisis in 100 years. The worst economic crisis since the Great Depression."

The latest data from the CDC indicates that 49.4% of the total US population is fully vaccinated. And despite a previous downward slope in the pace of vaccinations, 389,963 people are now initiating vaccination each day, according to the current seven day average.

This is the highest it's been in more than three weeks, but it's still lower than the pace set by millions who were receiving shots every day earlier this year.

#politics #us politics #news #cnn #biden administration #president joe biden #biden #joe biden #vaccination #vaccinate your kids #vaccine #coronavirus vaccine #covid vaccine #covid19 #covidー19 #covid 19 #coronavirus #coronavirus pandemic #department of defense #american rescue plan #Department of Veterans Affairs #cdc #center for disease control #covid delta variant #coronavirus delta variant #fda #food and drug administration #us military #the pentagon #mask mandates

[emma-nation]

The Devil In I - Bela x OC (Resident Evil Village AU) - Chapter 9

“Step inside, see the Devil in I”

Summary: Aleena Novak is a 19 years old orphan who desired more than living in a village in the middle of nowhere. A talented artist with a big future ahead, she gets the scholarship of her dreams in United States. But everything changes when her twin brother, Auryk, steals an important artifact from Castle Dimitrescu.

In this adventure, Aleena will find way more than she expected.

“You’ll realize I’m not your Devil anymore”

Pairing: Bela Dimitrescu x f!OC

Genre: Between T and M (Trigger warning: for violence, blood, abuse and eventual smut)

Tag List: @nydeiri

Castle Dimitrescu, Lady Dimitrescu's Bedroom - Present Days

What did dying feels like? Bela couldn't remember the day she died, before she was turned. For many and many years, she wondered how it even happened. Maybe she was incurably ill. That would be the only plausible explanation on why Lady Dimitrescu decided to transform her into a vampire. Having an illness herself, she must've felt sorry for Bela being so young and already losing her life.

But that night, after being drugged by Mother Miranda, the memory from that tragic event returned to her memory stronger like never.

It was a cold night in the 1950's. Alcina threw a special dinner and invited her three favorite and most loyal servants. Three young girls. They felt honored sitting at the same table as their mistress. They were chatting and giggling but then... something started to feel strange. Starting by the fact none of the servants were around.

It began as a burning sensation in Bela's stomach. She tried to ignore it but it'd only grow stronger. She dropped the silverware she was holding. She attempted to swallow another sip of tea. By her side, she noticed one of the other two girls, the brunette one, starting to show signs of discomfort too.

"What's wrong, my dear?" Lady Dimitrescu asked when the red haired girl, the youngest of the three, started coughing.

"I can't..." she tried to answer, but the words got lost in her throat as she began to suffocate, "b-breathe..."

Bela tried to stand up and help her, but her surroundings started to spin. She held on the table for support. At this point, the brunette girl was already lying on the floor, having some kind of seizure. She looked at Lady Dimitrescu again, but she didn't seem to be worried. She seemed abnormally calm.

"W-What have you..." before she could finish the question, her lungs could no longer fill with oxygen. Her throat and her airways started to burn. She tried and tried to breathe, but it seemed impossible. The weakness started on her legs and spread to the rest of her body really quickly. In fact, she barely felt when she collapsed on the floor. When the seizures started, she was barely conscious. Her vision was already going black, but she still had time to see the Countess staring at her body, almost lifeless, as she said:

"Don't worry, daughter. Everything will be alright."

Poisoned. She was poisoned.

When Bela woke up it was already morning. She could tell by the rays of sunlight entering through the windows. She hadn't died this time, but the sensations she experienced were quite similar. Her head was aching intensely and her vision was still blurred. Whatever Miranda had injected in her blood had affected her senses very badly.

"Aleena," she finally remembered. She tried to get up but her legs were still weak. "I need to find her."

She kept moving slowly, using the walls and furniture for support. If only she could transform into flies, it would be a lot easier, but it hurt to even try.

"Fuck!" Bela cursed, frustrated. She threw herself on a couch for a moment. She needed to rest.

Her eyes analyzed her surroundings. Although Bela was in her mother's chambers, Lady Dimitrescu was nowhere to be seen.

Hours had passed since she was drugged. Anything could've happened during this time. She wondered if Aleena was still there and if she was okay. She had to be. But what if she slept for days? What if the ritual had already happened? Aleena could be dead in that exact moment and she wasn't there to protect her. That thought made her stomach feel sick. And rare were the occasions she felt sick after being turned.

"Bela!" Daniela opened the door, she seemed so confused and scared as she was. "There you are, sister! Oh my god, I was starting to think you were dead."

"You wish..." Bela moaned sarcastically. She couldn't miss the opportunity. "What the fuck happened, Dani? Where's that bitch?"

"Who? Cassandra?"

Daniela handed her a cup full of human blood. Bela drank it all in one sip. That was the only thing able to restore her body from the damage Miranda caused.

Cassandra. She remembered her middle sister being the one who told her to go to her mother's office. Traitor! She should've known when she appeared to be so supportive of her relationship with Aleena in the previous day.

"No, Mother Miranda."

"Mother Miranda was here?"

Before she could answer, the door opened with a slam. It was Cassandra, looking completely fine. She had blood around her mouth and all over her dress. In a blink of an eye, Bela lunged forward, pinning her against the wall.

"How could you?!" She yelled. "You sent me directly to a trap!"

"What are you talking about?" Cassandra argued. "Somebody caught me on a corridor and stabbed my neck with a needle, then I passed out."

"Come on, don't lie to us," Daniela shouted. "You entered my room last night and drugged me."

"And why I would even do this to both of you?"

Realizing what happened, Bela immediately let her go.

"Mother Miranda," she huffed. "She must have shapeshifted into you and attacked us all."

It was time to tell her sisters what she learned from Heisenberg. Miranda had already started to proceed with her plans and it was a matter of time before she attempted to kill them.

"This bitch is going to die!" Cassandra punched the wall. "Nobody pretends to be me and lives."

"This is the least of our problems," Bela said. "She can be anywhere right now, pretending to be someone we trust and ready to kill us all."

"Where's mom?" Daniela asked. "I couldn't find her anywhere."

Lady Dimitrescu was the last person Bela wanted to see. She lied and betrayed her, besides helping Mother Miranda to drug her.

"I don't know, I searched for her everywhere," Cassandra told. "On the bright side, there's fresh breakfast spread all around the castle."

"What do you mean, Cassandra?" Bela wanted to know.

"The servants. They're all dead."

"What about Aleena? Have you seen her?"

"No, I thought she was with you."

Bela transformed into flies and went straight to Aleena's bedroom. It was completely empty. The bed was still made as in the previous night. She went to her own bedroom next. The diary was opened on the bed, right on the pages where her father confirmed what Miranda told her in the office, Aleena was indeed the vessel.

Mrs. Volkov corpse was lying on the corridor and not so far away, there was a trail of blood, Aleena's blood. She froze in place, too terrified to even think.

"It doesn't mean anything," Daniela placed a hand on her shoulder. "Maybe she managed to escape."

"She probably did, that girl is fierce," Cassandra added, noticing how disturbed her older sister looked. "I mean, she's not one of the Lords or a servant. There's no reason for that crazy bitch to murder her."

"There is," Bela sighed deeply. "She's the vessel. Miranda was playing us like puppets. The goblet thing was already intentional, to bring Aleena to the castle where she'd be safe until she prepared the ritual."

"Oh fuck, this is bad."

"I... I'm going to the village. Maybe she's hiding in her house."

----------

Eastern Europe, Village - Present Days

When Bela left, she didn't even bother to check the temperature or to mount one of her horses. She transformed into flies and started to fly to the village as fast as she could. Everything that mattered was finding Aleena. She wasn't dead. She couldn't be dead. They were going to California together and they'd start a brand new life.

She stopped by her house first. The door was locked and the extra key hidden in a vase at the entrance, just where Aleena placed it before they returned to the castle.

"It doesn't mean she's not here," Bela tried to convince herself. "She must have found another way in, to not make it obvious she's hiding here."

She used the key to open the front door. The house was dark and silent. There weren't any signs of somebody's recent presence. She checked every room, the basement, the secret weapon storage... Aleena definitely wasn't there.

"Maybe she's at the pub or at one of her friends' houses," Bela concluded.

There was no way. She had to do that. She took a deep breath, gathering enough courage to enter the pub. There were only three people in there, a middle aged woman behind the counter, a blonde young male cleaning the tables and a girl, who was strangely similar to Cassandra, chatting to both of them. Bela recognized them from the pictures Aleena showed her. They were Olga, Gustav and Elena.

"Hello," she announced her presence. They all stopped to stare at her, but none of them had freaked out yet. Maybe they hadn't noticed the tattoo.

"How can we help you, darling?" The older woman asked. "Are you a foreigner?"

"I... uhh... I'm looking for Aleena Novak."

"She isn't here," it was the boy who answered this time. He had a lot of anger in his voice. "She was taken to Castle Dimitrescu a few weeks ago. We don't even know if she's still alive."

"She is," Bela told. "I've been taking care of her."

They finally understood. Their expressions all changed to pure terror and panic. The two younger adults hid behind the counter, together with the woman. The male grabbed a shotgun.

"Get the hell out of here!" He ordered. "And if Aleena escaped, don't you even dare to touch her again or I'll kill you. I'll find her and bring her home."

"Trust me, manthing. This is exactly what I'm planning to do. Mother Miranda has kidnapped her. She has been planning to sacrifice her in some kind of sick ritual tonight."

"Liar!" Cassandra's doppelgänger shouted. "Mother Miranda wouldn't do such a thing! She's always guiding and protecting us. Everything she does is for the best of all of us."

"Listen, little one," Bela exhaled deeply. She had no patience for humans. That was the reason why she avoided them. They'd usually annoy her to the point they became her prey. "I have proof. Aleena's father has left this diary, reporting everything."

"That man was insane. Most of the villagers hated him."

"But he never lied," Gustav spoke. "Adrian had some crazy theories nobody ever believed but... I've never seen him lying before. He was a man of his word."

"This is true," Olga added. "We grew up together. He was absolutely nasty, a real bastard, but not a liar. He wouldn't invent such a thing, especially when it came to protecting Aleena."

Olga locked the door and the group reunited in one of the tables, analyzing the notes Adrian Novak left.

"Fuck," Gustav cursed, while trying to speak on his phone. "Auryk must've gone after this contacts. I can't reach him."

"Do you have any ideas of where Aleena could've gone to, if she was trying to hide?" Bela asked.

"Other than our houses and the pub? Well... we had this fort in the woods when we were children. Maybe she's hiding there."

"Show me the way, little man."

But Gustav wasn't the one who was most familiar with the path to Aleena's childhood fort, it was Elena. The young woman followed them, complaining about literally everything and praising Mother Miranda.

"Mother Miranda would never do that!" Elena protested. "I'd trust her with my life."

"I was about your age when she did this to me, without my consent," Bela took off the hat she was wearing, exposing her scar. "And do you think immortality is a blessing? Try spending your life locked inside a castle, without being able to go outside most of the time."

"Why are we even trusting her, Gustav? She feeds on human blood and now we're alone with her in the middle of nowhere."

"If that makes you feel more comfortable, I've already had breakfast. Besides, I prefer drinking men's blood."

"Can we just focus on Aleena?" Gustav scolded both of them. Bela had finally found a man she respected. That boy was completely loyal and protective of her girlfriend, so he deserved some credit. "God knows why Bela is searching for her but... we have the same goal here."

"We're dating," Bela informed them of the latest news. "I love her. For real."

Both of the young humans stared at her in shock.

"It seems like we'll have a lot to catch up when I see Aleena again," the boy shook his head in disbelief. "I thought the vampire thing was just a phase."

They finally found the small wooden fortress in the middle of the woods. It was mostly destroyed, but it still could fit one adult person inside it.

"Aleena!" Gustav called. There was no answer. Still, Aleena was hurt. Maybe she was unconscious.

"Go," Bela poked Elena and ordered. "You're the shortest of us. Check if she's in there."

The girl rolled her eyes, but obeyed, ducking and entering the small fort. But there wasn't even a sign Aleena was there recently.

"Where do we search now?" Elena asked.

"I'll go to the other Lords," Bela told. "Maybe one of them is keeping her for Miranda. Thank you for your help, little humans. It was a pleasure to meet you."

Bela walked away from them. Maybe in another life, they could've been friends. The priority now was to find Aleena. She wondered if the girl went to Heisenberg seeking for protection or if Miranda had captured and taken her to that creepy cave. There wasn't much time to think, she needed to act.

She followed to Heisenberg's factory. As usual the man was swearing and torturing human beings on his basement.

"What brings you here, kid?" He asked. "Did you find the diaries?"

"Yes, but too late unfortunately," she answered. "The information we were searching for: all the women in Aleena's family have some kind of immunity against the creatures and their mutations. They healed after getting bitten by Lycans, Aleena healed when you attacked her... she's the vessel."

"We have to kill her immediately. Before Miranda puts her hands on her. If that happens, we're fucked."

"She already did. She showed up in the castle last night, drugged me and my sisters, killed the servants and now... I can't find Aleena anywhere."

"Girl, you had the opportunity in your hands," he clenched his fists. "If you had killed her, like you freaks do to every single human that steps into that castle, we wouldn't be in this situation."

"Shut up, Heisenberg!" Bela grabbed a piece of metallic scrap from the floor and threw in the man's direction. "I had no idea. Even if I did, she's my girlfriend and I have to save her before she's sacrificed on Miranda's ritual."

"Good luck with that. The crazy bitch is very good hiding things."

And Bela knew that. Next, she went to Moreau's, Miranda's most loyal follower. She didn't reveal any information, she simply tricked him by inventing an excuse, that stupid freak was easy to fool. But Aleena certainly wasn't there either. Using her flies, she checked the entire place. She did the same at Donna's house. While she entertained the woman and her creepy doll having a tea party with them, her flies inspected every corner of her eerie house.

She was about to follow to Miranda's cave when she ran into Cassandra, in the middle of the way.

"What are you doing, Bela?" She asked. "Are you trying to get yourself killed?

"I'm searching for Aleena. She's gotta be somewhere and the last place I must check is the cave."

"Mother is home," her sister announced. "She wants to talk to you."

----------

Castle Dimitrescu, Living Room - Present Days

In Bela's imagination, Lady Dimitrescu would apologize. Admit she had made a huge mistake and promise her they'd find Aleena together. That was who her adoptive mother was, she'd always do anything to make her daughters happy. But at the same time, she was also that same woman from her memory. The selfish Countess who killed three young girls to have them as her adoptive daughters. She killed, violated and turned them into monsters. What kind of mother was that?

The three sisters were sitting on the couch, waiting as their mother brought a tray with tea and some other treats. That would probably be their only food for days, as Lady Dimitrescu and Mother Miranda had killed all the servants.

Lady Dimitrescu sat on an armchair in front of them, looking at Bela mostly.

"I understand you're confused, daughters. But I'll explain everything."

"Where's Aleena?" Bela quickly asked. That was the only thing that mattered. Who cared about Mother Miranda's child who died ages ago? "What have you two done to her?"

"Bela, daughter... I understand you're upset and frustrated. However, Mother Miranda has been searching for the perfect vessel to bring her daughter back to life for many and many years. This vessel happens to be Aleena. It's her fate, her purpose."

Bela eyes were burning in pure rage. How could Alcina be so blind? Even Heisenberg, that scumbag of man, was smarter than her mother was.

"Her fate is to live her own life, to go to California and achieve her dreams. Her fate is to be with me!"

"I apologize for having to get rid of all of our servants," she clearly ignored her daughter's objections. "They wouldn't understand what's to come. Once Eva is back to life, things will change. I'd like to ask you girls to behave and treat her well, like if she's a new sister of yours. We'll be throwing a party to welcome Eva to our family and I'll need your help to organize it."

"Party?!" Bela let out a sarcastic laugh. "Are you naive or only stupid? Miranda is going to kill you before this ritual is even finished! It has been her plan all along."

"Bela!" Lady Dimitrescu's eyes narrowed and she raised her voice. "I'm your mother! You owe me some respect, little lady."

"I don't! Not when you drugged me and let Miranda kidnap my girlfriend. I want to know where she is."

"Daughter..." Alcina grabbed her by the shoulders and lowered her voice. An useless attempt to help her to calm down. "Aleena is gone. She's dead."

The world seemed to stop. As well as the clock. The voices. Everything. Not even Bela's brain was capable of working and processing the words she had just listened. Dead. Aleena was dead. Her Aleena. Her girlfriend. The woman she loved. She stopped breathing. Her stomach ached as much as in the night she was poisoned. She felt she was about to collapse and die again. Her heart was beating in a strange manner. It was out of control. She was out of control.

Bela raised her golden yellow eyes, filled with hateful tears and stared directly into Lady Dimitrescu's eyes.

"You..." she clenched her fists. "You lied to me... You betrayed me..."

"I was willing to let her live, daughter," the woman tried to excuse herself. "Until the last meeting. Mother Miranda told me the truth and asked me to give her the vessel."

"HER NAME WAS ALEENA," using her strength, Bela grabbed the heavy coffee table and threw it across the room, shocking her mother and sisters. "She had a name! She was NOT a vessel."

Very rare were the times Bela actually cried after being turned. She cried when she first woke up in excruciating pain, with that huge wound on the side of her head. She cried later, when she felt lost, without knowing who or what she was. And she was crying now. Without Aleena, she felt lost again. She had nothing left. She no longer wished to live. A life without that girl's contagious joy, optimism and bravery was meaningless.

"Bela..." Lady Dimitrescu tried to touch her, comfort her somehow, but the blonde girl slapped her hand away.

"I always did everything you asked me... I always tried to be the perfect daughter for you... AND FOR WHAT?" Bela sobbed. "The only thing I ever ask you, you denied me. You took Aleena from me. You chose Miranda over your own daughter!"

"I had no choice, daughter! She'd turn against us if I refused to give her Aleena. Who knows what she'd be capable of doing?"

"She's doing it anyways. She's going to kill us all now she's gotten what she wanted."

She started to walk away. She had to be alone. As far away as possible from that woman, from that family, from that stupid castle. That small bed & breakfast at the village seemed like a good option.

"Daughter, wait," Alcina went after her, as she entered her bedroom.

"Don't you ever call me daughter again, Lady Dimitrescu," Bela angered. "I'm not your daughter. You kidnapped, killed me and turned me into a monster. Who knows what you've done to my real parents. We're not your daughters, we're only your toys, your dolls. You're not that different from your sister, Donna, after all."

She slammed the door and locked it. The bedroom was still the same way they left in the previous night. The candles, the flowers, the discs... Aleena's perfume was still on her pillows. Bela threw herself on the bed, holding the pillow against her body as she cried uncontrollably.

This was all her fault. They should've finished reading the diaries earlier and found out the truth before Miranda's visit, but she distracted Aleena, wishing to spend as much time with her as possible before she left to California. She should've been there to protect her, she promised it. She shouldn't have trusted the woman she used to call 'mother'. She was an idiot and now, Aleena was gone. Forever.

----------

Castle Dimitrescu, Guest Room - Present Days

Memories. Only a few days earlier Bela was afraid memories would be everything she'd have left from Aleena and now, it really was. Without anybody noticing, she went to the guest room the girl had been staying during those weeks in the castle. She obviously wasn't there, but traits of her presence were still all around.

Her clothes were still in the closet. Some where lying on the armchair or even around the floor. Bela grabbed one of her t-shirts, one from Aleena's favorite TV show. It still had her perfume on it.

"I miss you, love," she inhaled deeply the sweet fragrance. "So much it's killing me."

Then, she took the sketch book from the desk. Aleena was the most talented artist Bela had ever met. Her sister, Daniela, was a good artist, but she wasn't so creative, so expressive and precise on her traces. Bela had many classes with Lady Dimitrescu, and though she could paint decently, it wasn't her strong suit.

The drawing was still there. The one Aleena where was drawing her face. The reason why they kissed that night in the library, when she said Bela was worth being remembered.

"And now I'm the one who have nothing to remind me of you, Aleena. Remind me of every detail of your perfect green eyes, your smooth brown hair and those sweet freckles all over your body."

Her cell phone was still inside the bedside table's drawer. Bela turned it on. Aleena had set a picture of them together as her lockscreen. She smiled. In the gallery, she found many and many pictures of all the days they spent together, since the lunch Bela threw on her birthday when she arrived.

There were videos too and as soon Bela heard Aleena's voice, she couldn't help but start crying again. Why did her mother betrayed her like that? She could've helped her to save Aleena. She could've helped them to take down Miranda. That was what a real mother was supposed to do!

"Hey," she rolled her eyes, noticing she had forgotten to lock the door again. Cassandra was standing right behind her. "I'm came here to check on you."

"Leave me alone, Cassandra," Bela angered. "You didn't even like her."

"This isn't true. Aleena wasn't my favorite person in the world, not that I have one by the way, but still... I didn't want her to die."

Bela ignored her. Cassandra didn't have maturity enough to understand how she was feeling. Sometimes she wondered if her sister was even able to feel empathy for another being. But then, she was surprised by her next move.

"I'm sorry," her middle sister touched her shoulder slightly, tenderly. "I know she made you happy. Deep down, I was rooting for you both."

She forced a small smile before pulling her sister for an embrace. It was probably the first time they exchanged such a genuine moment of affection.

"We'll make her pay," Cassandra stroked her hair. "Let's kill Bitch Miranda."

The three sisters gathered together in the library. Lady Dimitrescu couldn't be aware of their plans. Daniela revealed her sisters she once heard about a dagger their mother possessed, one that was able to kill any monsters and demons.

"Are you sure about this?" Bela asked to confirm. Daniela had a creative and delusional mind after all.

"Yes," her youngest sister said. "I stole one of her diaries once. She was reporting everything about this dagger, except for its location."

"Then I'll keep her distracted while you search for it," Cassandra suggested. "I'll pretend to help her with her party for Miranda's daughter rebirth."

"What about me?" Bela wanted to know.

"You're not okay, sister. Let us handle this. Save your strength for when we stab the bitch and end her for good."

"As long as you let me do the honors, it's fine by me."

That was it. Bela would pretend to be alright. She would pretend to forgive her mother. And when the time came, she'd get her revenge against Miranda.

But then... there was nothing left for her in this world. With Aleena gone, she lost her only chance of living a new and normal life. She lost the only thing that made her feel happy and human. And if the dagger could kill any monsters and demons, well... it would be able to kill her too.

Still holding Aleena's shirt against her body, Bela lay on the bed and fell asleep, thinking of the moment they'd be reunited again in death. However, she had a terrible nightmare. Aleena was dying in her arms and there was nothing she could do.

She got up and drank some water. It had been hours since Daniela left the room to search for the dagger. She wondered if something had gone wrong. Lady Dimitrescu would never agree with that plan. She was about to leave the bedroom when the red haired girl entered the room so excited she could barely breathe.

"Bela..." she panted, "I found her!"

"The dagger?!" Bela asked. "Where is it?"

"No! Aleena. She's alive in the dungeons!"

----------

Castle Dimitrescu, Dungeons - Present Days

I opened my eyes, but I couldn't see anything. The environment around me was different from everywhere I had been in the last few weeks, the air was humid but still suffocating. It also smelled terribly, like rotting flesh and blood. I tried to stand up but my leg was still badly injured. I wondered how long it'd take for the amulet to heal my body again. Maybe it only worked once. Or maybe it had to do with the fluid Cassandra injected on me before she threw me inside that nasty cell.

Speaking of Bela's sister, I was pissed. Truly pissed. It was no secret she never liked me, but I never thought she'd be able to betray her own sister like that. Telling Bela to go to their mother's office only to bring me to the dungeons was a low blow, even for her. And there was Mrs. Volkov too. I couldn't believe she was dead.

"H-Help... somebody help me..."

I tried to scream but the blood loss and the drug made me too weak. I had to find a way out. A way to regain my forces and escape that place.

It didn't take long for me to lose my conscience again. As much as I attempted to stay awake and hear any signals someone could be around, I just couldn't. I was trapped in that endless cycle of waking up for a few minutes, moan in pain and passing out again. That was it. The Mother Miranda bitch was certainly behind it. When the right moment came, she'd come and take me for the ritual. Drugged as I was, I wouldn't be able to fight it.

"Aleena!" I heard Bela's voice, approaching. Maybe it was just another hallucination. "Oh my god!"

The cell's door opened, allowing some light to enter. I was able to distinguish my girlfriend's beautiful face among all that darkness.

"It's okay, love. You'll be okay, I promise you."

I forced a small smile as she placed my head on her lap. Using a blade, she opened a small gash on her wrist and forced it into my mouth.

"Drink it," Bela ordered. "My blood is going to heal your wounds and the drug effects."

I felt my stomach twisting from the metallic taste of blood going down my throat. I definitely wasn't born to be a vampire. For a second, I thought I was going to throw up.

"Shhhh," she held me still as the nausea struck. "Just breathe. Hold it down and you'll be okay."

I did as she told. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths, the nausea was slowly going away. Bela started to caress my face and I felt as some warm tears dropped on my forehead.

"Hey, I'm just a little beaten up," I assured her. "But I'm starting to feel better."

"I... I thought you were dead. My mother told me you were dead."

Why would Lady Dimitrescu do such a thing? Of course, she needed to make sure Bela wouldn't ruin Miranda's plans. She needed to convince her to not search for me.

I was already strong enough to sit. I hugged Bela very very tightly. She was sobbing desperately. Her heart was beating so fast inside her chest, it seemed like it'd explode at any moment.

"I'm so sorry," I kissed her forehead. "I'm here and I'm not leaving you ever again. I promise."

"You're the vessel, Aleena," Bela told me. "Your body is immune to the attacks of any creatures in the village. And now Miranda wants to use you to bring her daughter back to life. She believes your body is going to accept the mutation."

She also told me about my amulet. Miranda was the one to sell it to Auryk. I immediately ripped it off from my neck.

"I knew about being the vessel. I discovered it right after you left the bedroom. My father knew it and Auryk did too, this is why he wanted to get me out of the country so badly."

Bela wasn't listening to me. She was still staring at my face in disbelief, her eyes glistening with tears from the relief of finding out I was still alive. She cupped my face between her hands and pressed her lips on mine multiple times.

"I'm going to fix this," she was still crying. "I promise you. We have a plan to kill Miranda. There's a dagger hidden here in the castle, it can kill any monsters or demons. Daniela is searching for it, while Cassandra is distracting my m-," she hesitated to say that word, "my mother."

"Okay, but Cassandra was the one to kill Mrs. Volkov to capture me. We can't trust her at all!"

Of course. The bitch had more tricks I wasn't even aware of. She could shapeshift. Now I finally knew how my father was probably killed or how Auryk obtained that amulet from her. It was also obvious who attacked the castle that morning, Miranda was willing to test my healing properties again.

"She didn't. Mother Miranda can shapeshift into any person, this is why we need to be careful. We have this safe word, to know we're the actual Dimitrescu sisters. It's 'blowfly'."

I sighed and attempted to break the tension.

"And how do you know I'm the real Aleena?" I smiled.

"Trust me, love. I know," Bela kissed me, slowly and passionate. "Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing this. Imagine how disgusting it would be to kiss that crazy bitch."

We both broke into laughs. Then, she took my hand and helped me to stand up.

"We need to get you out of here. My mother can't know I've found you. Miranda is coming to pick you up at midnight for the ritual."

Through the secret passages we made to the stables, where Bela had already left my bags and a horse prepared to take me to the village.

"Once you get there," she told me. "Just drive as far as you can. Go to the city, find your brother and fly to United States."

And then I realized.

"But Bela... what about you?"

"I'm staying here, love. I'm going to kill Miranda, together with my sisters and Heisenberg."

"And then you'll meet me there, right?!" I raised my voice, fighting hard against the tears that insisted falling down. "You'll go to California."

She was in silence for a moment, trying to find the right words, but I already knew what she wanted to say. First, she handed me my cell phone.

"You said you wanted something to remember. Now you have plenty of pictures of me in this device of yours."

"Bela... what are you saying?"

"Let's be honest, Aleena," she looked down. "It was never a possibility and you knew it. We'd have to stop at the first temperature drop we came across. We probably wouldn't even make it to the airport."

"I said I'm going to find a way! It's Summer, dammit. It's not so cold away from the mountains and once we arrive in California, it'll be even hotter."

"You know your world would never accept me, love. Look at me, I have this nasty scar, this weird tattoo, I need to drink human blood to live..."

"STOP MAKING EXCUSES TO BREAK UP WITH ME! I'LL FIND A WAY! FOR ALL OF THIS. IF THEY CAN'T ACCEPT YOU, THEN FUCK THEM! I LOVE YOU AND IT'S ALL THAT MATTERS."

"I love you too," Bela kissed my forehead. "And this is why I'm letting you go."

"Even if I go, Bela," I argued, punching her shoulder slightly, "it doesn't have to end! I'm going to call you. I'm going to write you. And I'll come here to visit you too."

"In the first few weeks, love. Then, you'll become too busy to write. Our phone calls will become shorter because you'll be too tired. You'll disappear for a few days. We'll start to fade, little by little. And finally someday, you'll meet somebody new. Somebody who can make you laugh and distract you from your tragic past. Somebody who can take you to an actual date. Somebody you can introduce to your family and friends. Somebody who actually deserves you. Who can give you a future with marriage and children. Because she isn't dead. Because she isn't... me."

"I don't want any of this! I want you and only you. This future? We can have it! Here in this fucking castle or in my old small house. I don't care if I have to serve tables for the rest of my life, as long as I have you."

"You deserve a lot more than that."

"And so do you. What are you going to do, huh? To keep playing house with the woman who killed and turned you into a vampire? Serving her every wish and pretending you love this life? Or sleep with a different servant every week to hide the fact you're completely lonely and miserable?"

"Yes, Aleena. It has been this way for six decades now and it's not going to change. I have no choice, I'm sorry."

She vanished into a swarm of flies and disappeared, leaving me completely alone in the stables. I fell on my knees again, sobbing and screaming my lungs out.

"Bela, come back here!" I cried. "I love you! Please... come back..."

I still waited for a few minutes, but as I knew and as Mrs. Volkov always warned me, when Bela made a decision nothing would change her mind. Not even her mother or her sisters. Not even me.

----------

Castle Dimitrescu, Bela's Room - Present Days

"I'm hungry," Cassandra complained from the couch. "Pretty please... I'm helping you with the secret mission. A scrambled egg is enough."

"Tell Lady Dimitrescu to cook," Bela remained unmoved on her bed, staring at the ceiling while wearing Aleena's jacket. The one she borrowed her when the castle was attacked. It was the only memory she'd have from the woman she loved. "She was the one to kill all the servants."

Bela was listening to an old love song from the 60's. It was the one thing she was actually capable of doing in that moment. She couldn't even manage to create different scenarios about how she could kill Miranda inside her mind, or even wander around the castle searching for the cursed knife.

She knew Aleena had safely arrived in her house at the village. She sent one of her flies to follow her and observe her for how long it was possible. The girl was completely devastated, heartbroken and it killed her to see that. She could she glimpses of the moments where she sobbed while packing her bags and taking them to her old truck. But it was the best for both of them. She'd never be safe by Bela's side. Especially while Miranda was still around.

"This music is making me nauseous," Cassandra went to the disc player and turned it off. "You should've gone with her then."

"It was the safest for her. Mother would come after me immediately and take her back to Miranda's claws."

The brunette sister went to her own bedroom and returned with a book in hands, what surprised Bela because Cassandra wasn't much of a reader.

"Check this out. I asked the Duke to get you the sequel," and she started to read, adopting the same dramatic tone as usual. "As much as I struggled not to think of him, I did not struggle to forget. I worried — late in the night, when the exhaustion of sleep deprivation broke down my defenses — that it was all slipping away. That my mind was a sieve, and I would someday not be able to remember the precise color of his eyes, the feel of his cool skin, or the texture of his voice. I could not think of them, but I must remember them. Because there was just one thing that I had to believe to be able to live — I had to know that he existed. That was all. Everything else I could endure. So long as he existed."

"Ha ha, very funny," Bela rolled her eyes. Deep down she absorbed those words. She feared someday she'd forget all those small details about Aleena too, but knowing she existed someday, and that she loved her back, was enough for her to be able to live for the rest of her immortal days. "Next time, get us something useful. Like that fucking dagger."

The door opened and Daniela walked inside, pushing a food cart.

"I brought us dinner," she announced.

"Did you kidnap a villager to cook for us?" Cassandra asked, immediately grabbing a plate.

"Of course not! I cooked it myself. If Bela can do it, I can too."

The two eldest sisters exchanged a suspicious glance, before deciding they were not so hungry after all.

"And here is the main dish..." Daniela said, lifting the lid and revealing the content inside the silver pan. "A poisonous dagger."

"You did it!" Bela exclaimed, surprised and proud.

"Yes! Let's chop that bitch to pieces."

Daniela hugged her eldest sister again. It was happening too often lately, for Bela's discomfort. But this time, she accepted the hug.

"Where's mom?" Cassandra interrupted the moment. "I haven't heard from her since I left her alone in her bedroom."

The castle was way too quiet. It wasn't the first time the servants had to be gotten rid of and they were completely by themselves. Or maybe sometimes, Lady Dimitrescu would lock herself in the Opera House to play the piano or even read a book alone in her bedroom, but that wasn't the case this time. That was a different kind of silence. A silence that indicated danger, a threat.

"Mother?!" Cassandra called, followed by her two sisters. "Where are you?"

There was no answer. They were about to reach the library when the power went out, as well as the heating system. A wave of panic instantly spread over Bela's body. She feared the cold, more than anything.

"What the hell?!" Daniela yelled. "Who's there? I'm starving and angry, so don't mess with me!"

"Shhhh," Bela silenced her. She had a feeling, a hunch about who could it be. As they approached the office, her suspicions were confirmed by the argument coming from inside the room.

"Where is she, Alcina?!" They heard Miranda yelling. "You promised me to keep her safe!"

"Mother, I swear... she was in the dungeons! There was no way she could escape. The drug was supposed to keep her down until now."

"Your daughters... they must've helped her to escape. Decades trying to find the perfect vessel and they ruined it all. They'll deal with the consequences!"

"Mother, no! Don't hurt them, I'm begging you."

In that moment, the sisters witnessed as a powerful flock of birds started to fly around the caste, shattering all the windows. As the cold air of the night in the mountains filled the entire place, the three sisters knew their ending was imminent.

----------

Eastern Europe, Aleena's House - Present Days

The tears blurred my vision as I followed my way back to the village. Sometimes, I'd stop for a minute, hoping Bela would change her mind and come after me. Why would she assume I was safer without her? If there was someone who could protect me, that was she.

As soon as I arrived, I went straight to the garage, getting my old truck to come back to life. Then, I followed to my bedroom to pack my bags. There wasn't much I actually needed to take, mostly my clothes, my laptop and a few other important belongings. I didn't plan to sell the house anyways. I could come back and take the rest later, if I had to.

My books. I would definitely take at least my favorites. Most of them were gifts from my mom. I couldn't leave those precious treasures behind. As I grabbed one of them to place it inside of my luggage, a small piece of paper fell on the floor:

'Love is not love which alters when it alteration finds. It is an ever fixed mark that looks on tempests and is never shaken. Love alters not with time's brief hours and weeks, but bears it out even to the edge of doom'.

I recognized it. It was an excerpt of William Shakespeare's Sonnet 116. Bela should've left it there when she was alone in my bedroom. In the end, she wrote: 'Please, think of me sometimes. I love you, forever'.

Of course I would. There was no way I'd ever stop loving that girl, or even forgetting about her at all. I could never forget about the girl who threw me the sweetest birthday party or made me the best pancakes in the world. And especially, the first girl I ever loved. I pressed the note against my chest, letting out a few tears. I placed it among my belongings, those I was going to take with me to California.

I heard the front door opening and I immediately grabbed my rifle and my blades too. Something had to at least cause some harm to that bitch. I was slowly going down the stairs in an attack position, when I heard a voice.

"Leena? Are you home?" That was my twin brother, Auryk. "I'm back."

"Auryk," I finally revealed myself. My first impulse was running to his arms, before I remembered all the lies and the betrayal. "You knew it. You fucking knew it and you hid it from me!"

"I'm sorry, okay? I was trying to keep you safe from Miranda. I planned to get you out of here before it all came to surface, but that bitch was already one step ahead."

"We have to go, right now. She's coming after me. I just escaped Castle Dimitrescu."

"Leena, no..." he sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I thought I was clear when I asked you to stay in the castle until I returned."

"Auryk, she drugged me and locked me in the dungeons!" I yelled. "She was going to sacrifice me in a sick ritual tonight. Which part haven't you understand yet?"

"This was the plan, Aleena. When she was vulnerable, during the ritual, the agency would take the opportunity to explode this place and all these freaks."

"WHAT?! What about the village... and the people, their houses? What about ME?! What if I got killed in this process?"

"They're going to evacuate the village in a couple of hours," he explained. "And then, they'll help them to rebuild their lives or something... I don't know for sure. But they would protect us."

"Stop them!" I ordered. I couldn't let them hurt Bela or her sisters. Or even put the villagers in danger. Some of them, such as Olga, Elena and her father would never abandon that place and its traditions. "Right now! You're not going to hurt them. You won't!"

"Aleena, what the fuck? They're monsters! They're going to kill you!"

And then, I did the first thing that came to my mind. It was stupid, unplanned and completely reckless. I knocked my brother's head with the rifle. As soon as he fell unconscious on the floor, I tied him up and locked him inside Adrian's secret storage.

"I'm sorry, Auryk. But I must save my girlfriend."

#resident evil village #residesnt evil 8 #bela dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu #alcina dimitrescu #bela x f!oc #bela x oc #resident evil fanfiction #the devil in i

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 17X7

SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

They did it! I can’t believe it! They actually killed DeLuca off! I’m so happy right now! As long time readers will know I have never been a Andrew DeLuca fan and I speculated back in the summer that they might be planning to write his character off after it was revealed that the planned finale for Season 16 included an explosion that was supposed to claim the life of one of the characters. I speculated that DeLuca was the most likely candidate with Tom and Jackson being the most likely runners up because I felt that they had gone as far as they could with DeLuca’s character and there wasn’t much left for him to do on the show.

Add that to the fact that the actor who plays DeLuca said a bunch of stuff to the press last year where he spoiled some pretty major plot points and stated that he knew things about where the show was going when he hadn’t even read a single script for the season yet and I was pretty sure his days were numbered. That being said, the show had teased us a bunch of times about firing, killing, or writing off the character during seasons 15 and 16 and they never went through with it so a big part of me was skeptical that they ever would.

But it turns out I was right! His days were numbered and they wound up killing him off in the Mid-Season Premiere! I’m still in shock. It hasn’t really sunk in yet to be honest. This episode honestly made me wish we’d gotten to see the remaining episodes and finale of Season 16 as planned. Based on what we know it looks like the plan was for Richard, Bailey, Meredith, and Carina to stage an intervention, DeLuca was to go away and get treatment and return to the hospital only to die tragically in an explosion.

Season 17 would have opened with the characters finding out about that and mourning his death and I think it would have been interesting to see Meredith navigate that as in the Finale Hayes asked her out and she said yes. It seems likely that if the COVID-19 Pandemic had not hit when it did and shut down production and altered filming for this season we would have seen Meredith and Hayes go out for a drink and start dating.

Seeing Meredith navigate the loss of her ex-boyfriend who she was no longer close to while in the beginning stages of her relationship with Hayes would have been very interesting and I’m sorry we didn’t get to see that. I’m also sorry that due to safety restrictions Meredith and Hayes haven’t had much screen time this season, but it looks like that’s about to change as I’ll get into a bit later.

Back to the episode at hand. I never liked DeLuca as a character and I hated him with Meredith so I’m glad that they killed him off and that we never have to deal with that nonsense again. I’m glad that they caught the human trafficker Opal and took those people down. I was never super invested in that storyline so I’m glad they wrapped that up. I feel so bad for Carina though. She’s a great character and is wonderfully acted by Stefania Spampinato.

My heart broke for her in this episode because while I won’t miss her brother I know that she will and will be absolutely gutted when she finds out that he’s died especially after she worked so hard to get him help and treatment for his Bipolar Disorder. I’m glad she has Maya there to support her.

LOL at Bailey sleeping through the whole damn episode! What did I miss indeed! That poor woman slept through DeLuca getting stabbed, almost dying, not dying, having surgery twice, and then actually dying as well as the other shenanigans going on at the hospital. I loved that she was asleep at Meredith’s bedside especially after they spent a good chunk of Season 16 fighting.

I also feel really bad for Richard in that he’s obviously grateful that DeLuca helped save his life and wanted to help and when Owen turned him down because it wasn’t a good idea for him to scrub in Richard lurked in the background in the OR gallery the whole time to make sure that everything was okay. Plus he can’t talk to Meredith about it right now because she’s in a coma which must be so difficult for him. The extra stress also puts his sobriety at risk and that worries me.

I got to be honest I am struggling to understand Teddy’s point of view this season. She’s being really awful! She’s being cruel to Tom. She was cruel to Owen. I don't know what Teddy expected to have happen. Both Cristina and Amelia walked away from their marriages to Owen and moved on with their lives in large part because they realized Owen was in love with Teddy and always would be.

And then she finally gets what she’s wanted all these years and the minute she realizes Amelia’s baby might be Owen’s and not Link’s she runs back to Tom and has a several months long affair with him and then drops him like a hot potato as soon as she realizes that the baby is Link’s and after Owen finds out about the affair she refuses to talk to Tom for months and then comes crawling back to him and wants to be his friend after Owen makes it clear he wants nothing to do with her. WTF?

I feel bad for Tom. I really like his character. He’s super interesting and complex and he deserves better than someone who treats him like that. Tom is a good man at heart and he treated Teddy like gold and in return she’s done nothing but break his heart and stomp all over him when he’s already down. He deserves someone better. I’ve never been an Owen fan, but honestly Teddy is behaving so horribly I’m on his side on this one.

They had some great scenes in the OR together, but Teddy clearly read too much into it. Every time he gives her a crumb she’s convinced he’s forgiven her and wants to give her a second chance and that’s not it at all. Owen has been clear. He doesn’t forgive her and he doesn’t want to get back together with her. All he wants is to co-parent peacefully and work together as colleagues because he values her skills as a surgeon. That’s it.

It was cute to see Teddy Face Timing with Leo. I’m glad they are finding safe ways to incorporate the kids into the story. Speaking of which, the scene where Amelia and Maggie tell Zola that her Mom has been placed on a vent and she might not come off it was heartbreaking. That kid has grown into her own as an actress and really holds her own in that scene.

Her line about how she didn’t want them to tell Bailey or Ellis yet because they’re too young to understand broke me heart. Zola’s only a few years older than them but she’s old enough to understand the impact of what’s happening in a way that they can’t. And she remembers how hard it was when Derek died. When Cristina left. When Alex left. She doesn’t want to put her siblings though the same thing especially when Alex’s departure is still so fresh for them and they never got a chance to really know their Dad. The fact that Zola can recognize that at such a young age is raw and heart breaking.

We saw Winston and Maggie reconnect this episode which would have been super hot and enjoyable if Meredith hadn’t just been put on a ventilator! The scene where Jackson showed up looking for Maggie was too funny! I loved the scenes with Jackson, Link, and Winston in the backyard having beers! Winston has a great sense of humour and seems to be a calming presence. I like the idea of those three being friends.

Link’s face when he realized that Winston doesn’t know that Maggie and Jackson used to date and are also step-siblings. I’ll be interested to see Winston’s reaction when that comes out. I loved Link’s rant about how worried he was about Meredith and what her declining health and potential death was doing and would do to Amelia. Did anyone else catch that he called Amelia his wife? I’m calling it. They’re foreshadowing an Amelink wedding!

I liked hearing Jackson talk about how Meredith is family and they’re all worried and Winston’s comments about how all they can do is just keeping moving physically and metaphorically. I’m also loving Amelia and Maggie’s wardrobes this season. Their sweaters in this episode were gorgeous! Hats off to the wardrobe department! They’re looking good!

I loved seeing Jo and Hayes work together again because I love their friendship, but to be honest I was expecting more of the friendly teasing and banter of last season where she egged him on about Meredith and they traded barbs. Their scenes in this episode were a lot more intense and agitated. She totally played him with that line about Meredith.

He kept saying no to taking Luna to see her Mom and so Jo made it personal for him. If Meredith asked to see her kids Hayes would never say no and he would move heaven and earth for her. By making that connection Jo got him to agree to her plan. I also love that the reason he kept saying no in the beginning was because of what happened to Meredith.

She went from laughing and joking to being put on a vent and he doesn’t want to run the risk with any other patient and it’s obviously eating him up inside. He misses her. He cares about her and he’s clearly terrified about the possibility of her not waking up. That being said, Jo’s line where she compared Alex leaving her for Izzie because he found out he had kids he didn’t know he had and sending her a heartfelt letter to Hayes spending years watching his wife and the mother of his two boys die of cancer was way out of line. Super not okay. I really think that Jo is going to adopt that baby. I think that’s why they are setting up her interest in OBGYN.

In other news, Nico is still a terrible boyfriend to Levi. I honestly don’t know why Levi puts up with him. Levi really shone in this episode I think. He felt responsible for what happened, but instead of bungling things and making things worse like he might have done in the past he got out of his own way and asked Dr. Khan who was a vascular surgeon in Pakistan prior to immigrating to the U.S. to take his place.

I feel like this episode implies that the Beach is limbo now as I don’t know how else DeLuca could have ended up there as he wasn’t someone who was close to Meredith the way that Derek, George, Richard, and Bailey are. Not sure how I feel about that as I was kind of liking the is it a COVID dream is it the afterlife ambiguity.

Onto next week’s promo! I’m not excited that they appear to be setting up an episode in which the other characters mourn DeLuca’s passing as none of the other characters apart from Carina were really that close to him. They spent the last two seasons establishing that everyone hated his guts, considered him a nuisance, and only put up with him because they had to. So to me the other characters mourning him doesn’t feel authentic or real. It just feels forced.

There are several things I am excited about though. Seeing Maggie’s reaction to his death I think will be interesting. She was visibly upset and ran to his side when Alex beat him up in Season 13 and mourning the loss of your ex-boyfriend who you were no longer close to while being in a committed relationship with someone new I think is an interesting dynamic. She’s kinda standing in for Meredith here because she’s on a vent.

I’d like to see Catherine support Richard and make up for her horrible behaviour last season. And the best thing of all: Hayes!!! In the promo trailer we see Hayes sitting at Meredith’s bedside talking to her about how she needs to fight and how they all need her to fight. Bring it on! It’s about damn time! And Derek’s back and he’s … fishing? I’m excited to see what happens there and if they actually get to talk and have a real conversation this time. It has also been announced that Sarah Drew will be returning for a cameo as Dr. April Kepner this season so I’m excited for that!

Until next time!

#spoilers #grey's spoilers #grey's anatomy #meredith grey #greys #greys abc #tv: grey's anatomy #tv: greys #april kepner #derek shepherd #cormac hayes #jo wilson #maggie pierce #winston ndugu #jackson avery #atticus lincoln #zola grey shepherd #carina deluca #maya bishop #richard webber #owen hunt #teddy altman #amelia shepherd #miranda bailey #levi schmitt #tom koracick #season 17 #helplessly hoping #17x07 #critique

[sleepinglionhearts]

Man, I have just been having A Time these last couple of weeks. I would like it to kinda, y’know, stop for a little while. Just enough for a break. Please.

-found out my thyroid isn’t failing me (yet) which is cool but that I am SUPER vitamin D deficient (not cool)

-find out my cat, Lune, needs an emergency surgical procedure in a timely manner or she may die. We are given antibiotics for her to take but she refuses to take them because she’s still a little feral and will bite and claw and it was very difficult to get her to take the small amount we got her to take

-snow storm hits! cannot schedule vet appointment, cannot go to work

-Lune goes in for surgery fairly quickly after the snow melts and roads are driveable again, comes out ok but I was EXTREMELY worried the first night she came home

-throughout all of this I’m dealing with a lot of leg pain from sitting on the couch wrong back in November

-finally see an orthopedist about this after primary care physician decides it’s serious enough for that, they take a look at me, get xrays done, and say “hey we’re gonna order an MRI because there’s something a little funny looking with the cartilage there in your xrays”

-insurance decides I don’t actually need an MRI after all. deal with this for about 2 weeks.

-they’re gonna repeal the mask requirements?? hey what the fuck???

-have an entire depressive breakdown in the car on Wednesday night, including nearly swerving into oncoming traffic, freak out about that as it happens, arrive home fine but emotionally exhausted

-finally see the orthopedist again today after developing some new knee pain too! pay more than expected for the appointment, learn the bullshit reasons for no MRI, orthopedist recommend I just go ahead and get a steroid shot? It should help with the pain? Gonna be making a physical therapy appointment too, awesome, if nothing helps then that MRI should be approved, if the injection plus the PT helps, then I don’t need the MRI

-oh that’s a big needle. I am a BIG WIMP when it comes to needles, girlfriend must come back and hold my hand, I scream (quietly) the whole time I get poked. I am completely fine after it is done.

-get a text from Mom while in the parking lot, one of the other household cats, Yuki, is Not Doing Well. Have to go meet mom and brother at the vet.

-Yuki, sadly, has to be put down.

-pay more than expected for the cat, go home, everyone sadly gathers in the back yard to bury her and cry

-meanwhile, worry about mom bc she very recently got lucky that one of our family friends got her in on Covid Vaccine Part 1! now worry about her getting Vaccine Part 2!

-throughout all of this and a VERY bad financial situation, 20 year old brother refuses to get a job and continues to think he can earn money via streaming. this boy won’t even properly plan content he just yells at games. supposedly he’s gonna look into jobs but i’m not sure how much of that i believe considering we’ve been on him about this for a couple YEARS and nothing has changed

-I have to go to work tomorrow

#personal #i lost a pet today so if you don't wanna read that don't read it #not that i go into graphic detail or anything just i know that upsets some folks #[deep sigh] it has been... a lot lately #i want a break #i know things will just Keep Happening but i would like some time to catch my breath #sorry to ppl who have sent me asks and stuff i desperately want to answer them but i have not had the time #i'll get to it maybe tomorrow or sunday if i feel up for it #sometimes i get really 'i will distract myself with drawing or working' and sometimes i just can't do anything #i knew it was unavoidable but #[another sigh] the time for me to finally get a second job approaches #but with my dismal energy levels i'm not sure what i can do #wish i were better with digital stuff or timely commissions #or even if i could figure out consistent time for bigger commissions than the kofi ones haha #i know i need to stay hopeful but sometimes it is hard #i'll be under the weather for a little while probably but i'll be ok soon #[sad sighs]

[slutabed]

cw/tw for eating disorder/weight/internalized fatphobia and also covid/death content sry 

just forever hovering in the space between acceptance and rejection, self love and self hatred, comfort and discomfort, right and wrong

not quite plus sized but getting there, not straight sized but not NOT, just straight sized in an inconvenient way in which yes, things in standard stores might technically *fit* my body, but there’s no way they’ll look *good* on me

and it’s more a matter of my fat distribution, not my size, just my shape, so no matter how much i gain or lose i’ll never look good, just bad or worse

but at my heaviest this year i’m the happiest with my looks i’ve ever been! I’m less self conscious than i’ve been in my life! i’m okay being fat! I’m okay with even accepting that i might *actually* be Fat, not just insecure wrong-shaped midsize girl *feeling* fat like it’s a bad word. just fat as a descriptor

but now i’m almost clinically obese. cdc says so. bmi is outdated and racist and fatphobic bunk science, but we’re in the middle of a pandemic specifically targeting obese bodies. and my brother the doctor is saving lives but he watched a man only a few years older than us die horribly of covid because he was obese, he couldn’t do the normal treatments they gave other patients, the treatment he needed killed him, sometimes i get nightmares thinking of going the way he went

so losing weight feels not like a punishment now but a life or death necessity, and i am so scared to try again because i’ve done so much work this year to be normal about food and i just...can’t. i don’t know how yet. i’m so scared if i start to try to lose weight again it’ll consume me and i’ll fall back into the cycle of losing weight and gaining and then be even higher than i am now (and I am *so* close to the danger number for me, and i *can’t* weigh that much, i just can’t)

and i don’t even know anymore how much is just me being fatphobic (because again i love fat people! and midsize people and skinny people! people can be whatever weight and size they want and it’s all beautiful!) but wanting to lose weight for myself still comes from a place of fatphobia, i’m told. but it doesn’t if it’s for my health, right? but even that is fatphobic, right? but what if it’s not? but they tell me it has to be. 

i’m so fucking confused (and part of me doesn’t even feel like it matters, what anonymous people on the internet think of me, except it DOES because it all comes from places of injustice and discrimination and i’m part of the problem - except what if i’m NOT, this is just how my brain works, but it still is bad no matter what I do)

i’m just confused and tired and i just wish i didn’t have to lose 26 pounds to even be in the high end of the normal BMI range for my height, and i just. i wish 12 year old me had seen bigger people in media who weren’t the butt of the joke. if i had seen anyone look close to me maybe i wouldn’t have started skipping meals and making myself throw up. if i was a child growing up in this era (which is by no means perfect, but is LEAPS and bounds ahead of where we were in 2006), maybe i would be okay. i’m just fucking tired of it.