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iamdorka · 4 years

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I Couldn't Be More In Love

Colson and the reader have been friends since high school. “Friends”. Maybe they were more than that but before they never really spoke about it… and everything was okay until Colson started to act quite strange because the reader started to spend more and more time with his co-worker Harry Styles.

This is a piece of writing I already have finished in Hungarian… so my only work is to translate it for you and make it enjoyable for you too. Hope you like it. (The inspo behind the title was the song from the band the1975 and if you don’t know this song you should definitely check it out.)

- Colson Baker… if you touch that… I’m gonna cut you in half. – I threatened him at the moment when I saw that he was trying to taste the almost perfectly done cake on which I was working on the last couple of hours. He was tap dancing on my last nerve and he was enjoying it you just could simply see in his eyes that he was really enjoying it.

- On a scale from 1 to 10… how much do you want to kill me? – he asked when his finger was almost touching the cream on the cake. We were staring at each other in a way that it looked like we just could kill each other any moment.

I felt I could not breathe; I could not blink because if I would have done that then everything would have been ruined. I wasn’t the best cook neither the best baker so when I decided that I would make an eatable cake which somehow would not look like just a piece of shit it was a real challenge for me, a challenge I gladly accepted from myself. To be honest it didn’t really help me when Colson was nonstop by my side trying to sabotage all of my hard work.

- I just don’t understand why are you doing this. – he stated referring to the fact that I spent most of my free afternoon in the kitchen preparing this birthday cake for Harry.

I didn’t want to order a cake (which would have been so much easier) I wanted to do it myself. I spent quite lot of time with Harry, with who I became really good friend lately, so I think it was quite a nice thing to do.

- Because his birthday is tomorrow? – I asked not that he didn’t know the answer. He was acting clueless which was so not him.

- And? – he asked back and then all of the sudden he picked up the cake from the table. That was the time when I thought that my heart gonna sink or break into pieces.

- Put that cake down… for God’s sake… Colson… put that motherfucking cake back to its place because…. – as I started to get closer to him, he started to go backward with the cake in his hand but the moment he almost lost his balance I thought that I’m gonna drop dead… like I saw in my mind that he just lets that cake out from his fingers and everything turns into dust mostly my hard work.

- You are so beautiful when you are angry. – he smiled at me holding my treasure firmly in his hands. It was still safe, but Colson couldn’t say this about himself because I was planning to murder him soon.

- Then prepare yourself because I’m gonna be so damn gorgeous because I’m gonna kill you now… - I smiled awkwardly. - I’m being serious… I’m gonna die if you continue this… its not funny. – I painted him the situation in my head, but he was just still smiling. – But you have to know… If I die… I’m gonna haunt you forever, it will be my number one priority to mess your life up…. really, really bad. – I was really thinking that and by this moment there were only centimeters between us. The cake was safe and I could carefully put my hands below it but not really touching it yet.

- I would really enjoy your company… you can trust me. – he just didn’t give up.

My hand was now below his and he could have thought that I was going to grab the cake now…. but in reality, I really grabbed something else below that cake. Something that had more power over him.

- PUT THAT CAKE DOWN. – I said it again, the last time, I think. This time I think he could not misunderstand me.

- Because… what you gon… - he couldn’t finish his sentence because my fingers just got tighter on his… favorite body part.

- PUT IT DOWN. – now that the control of this situation was literally in my hands it started to get funny for me too.

Why? Because the surprise on his face was the best gift for me. Like I felt so damn powerful that I could surprise him this way that it made me incredibly happy. He could not move… he could not say a word. I enjoyed it. I enjoyed that this game backfired on him. Finally I could put a honest smile on me too.

- Okay… I will give up. – he finally put that cake back where it belonged. – You know… you can let me go too… - he leaned closer to me with a rogue smile on his lips because he was right…. somehow I did not let him go.

- Go fuck yourself. – I stated, staring in his eyes then grabbed the cake and went straight to the pantry just to put that gift in a safe place… and just to cool myself down too.

I swear to God for some minutes I literally blacked out there because I don’t know how but after a few minutes I just realized that my forehead is against the cold wall and my fingers still feeling that they are holding something. I got goosebumps all over my body, my body started to ache intensely, and I don’t even want to mention my heart race.

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. – I started to frisk, jump and scream just like a little girl having a tantrum kinda melt down but before I really lost my mind I stormed out of that place.

- Cheers to that! – he said with a mischievous smile sitting on the counter with a spoon in his mouth because he was just eating my ice cream enjoying everything around him… mostly my suffering, my unexplainable behaving. Only if I could read his mind sometimes… only if…

- I want some of that for me… - I pointed at the ice cream… which was right between his thighs which after my surprising act wasn’t the best place for me to point at... I just could not take it no more so before I started to embarrass myself more and more… I started heading to my room.

- Okay boss, okay… - he nodded, and I was glad that he didn’t commented on the fact that I was starting to sound and behave like a total mess.

I just needed a good damn ice cold shower and not just because the cake cream was all over me because yeah I was that good damn talented in the kitchen that on my back was cream too but because my body started to act up in a way in which it should have not. It was like it started to realize it had some kind of new deadly virus which was released just a few minutes ago.

It was really nice from Colson that when he knew that I was gonna spend some time in Los Angeles he offered me to stay at his place. I was spending some time here because I was in the studio with Harry and had some appearances in the region. First, I wanted to stay at a hotel, but he convinced me that his place has way much rooms and I could easily spend my LA time there. I can thank him a lot. He teached me a lot of the industry, of this whole crazy world we are currently living in and honestly, he was the only one I had connection with from the old times, from our high school Cleveland days. Our passion for music was a bond between us that could not be broken like ever.

- Move your ass a bit… - I said this when I was back in the living room where he was laying on the couch occupying the whole place just for himself. - I was talking to you… lazy ass. – When I was in front him, he still didn’t move a bit like he was pretending to be deaf or something.

- Okay, okay… bossy. – he laughed and satting up he made place for me too so I finally could sit down beside him.

- As I can see your ugly face needs some help too… so le me see if we can do some miracles with what I got here… - I said with a box full of face masks and creams on my lap.

- That was harsh… you hurt me girl. – he whined just like a little boy.

- Dear God… I did not say that you are not handsome… I just said that you have an ugly face. – I rolled my eyes smiling.

- What a logic we have here. – he mocked me. - So… you think I’m handsome? – he asked while I choose some cream or his skin and started to work on him a little bit.

- Just like the devil himself…. – I put out my tongue just a little bit.

- You have to be careful girl… because that devil will come for that tongue… - he said and this was the time when I decided to make him shut up, so I put some mask on his lips too.

His face mask really looked like some kind of swamp kinda thing but maybe he still looked kinda cool this way too. How could he pull this off too? Meanwhile I looked like a monster myself who could scare people away instantly.

We decided to stay in and watch some movies because we both had a long day and it was some long time ago that we could spend some quality time together so hours ago we already knew that we gonna end up here just chilling.

The thing I didn’t know was that I just would not find my comfortable place there like something inside me just could not let me be. First, I just sat there… but then I wanted to lay down, but I could not do that because I had my mask on. I didn’t even know what we were watching because if I was honest with myself my mind was on some kinda trip that it didn’t wanna share with me, so I was there in my body not really being there actually.

- Okay, please stop this because you are making me dizzy and you will fall of this couch soon… come here instead. – he put a towel on his lap and asked me to lay there instead of moving constantly like an idiot which could been annoying for him too.

- Thank you. – I murmured as if I did something wrong then laid there. There where I finally found my peace like literally. As I put my face down my body started to calm down instantly.

- Do you know until when you gonna stay in the city? – he asked, and he started to stroke my arm gently.

- It all depends how much time we gonna need in the studio… but if we see the current situation… I won’t leave the city soon. – I admitted thinking that we were already behind with the recording sessions. You can plan things out but then l comes and ruins everything.

- I wouldn’t mind if you were closer to us… - he said, and I moved a bit so now as I looked up and opened my eyes his face was right above of mine.

- You are saying this if you weren’t constantly touring yourself… - I said knowing that his schedule is hectic too. – The only thing I know that on Monday we gonna travel somewhere with Harry because we are gonna shoot our first video together… also we need to record our second song too which by the way… is a bomb. – I was really excited about working with Harry he was an inspiring soul to work and to be with too.

- I don’t know what is so special about that boy… - he shook his head not understanding a thing.

- If I think about it… he is less a jackass than you are right now. – I said it quietly than decided to close my eyes as if I were gonna mediate or something. This movie night was kind of a dead idea by now but at least we had some background noise.

- Do you like him? – he asked. I knew this is coming I felt this in my bones because the last couple of days when he knew that I would meet with him he started to act quite strange, like he was another person, not really himself.

- Like him how? – I knew exactly what he was referring to… but I just had to ask him this. He knew I liked him, that’s why we were working together… but this question had more meaning than just pure words.

- I’m just asking… you two spend so much time together… I wouldn’t be surprised if your wo were together… if you were in love with him. – Colson really lived in an alternative universe where he could really think that this is the way things are between me and Harry. If I spoke about Harry, I always referred to him as a friend… if something would be between us Colson would have knew that.

- You are right… totally right Colson. – this was the last drop I could take. I just could not lay in his lap anymore, so close to him. – I was always like that… if I started to talk with a boy the next minute, I was in his bed… it’s so typical from me. It’s so nice from you that you really think this of me… - not even thinking I was already whipping the mask off from my face.

- I didn’t say this… - he stood up too trying to reach out for my fingers, but I didn’t let him touch me.

- But it came out this way…. I don’t know what’s your problem with Harry and why is such a big problem that I’m spending more and more time with him and not always because of diversion but because we are fucking working together… which as it seems is a new information for you. – I already had everything packed in the box and I was heading back to my room, but he could easily keep track with me because his long legs helped him a lot.

- Y/N… - he tried to reach out for my hands again, but I still didn’t let him close to me.

- Just tell me one fucking good reason why you are acting like this…. why all of you are saying isn’t straight up bullshit…. – we were already in the door of my room, but he was dead silence. He could not say a word, he just didn’t move… he was just staring in my eyes as if he was debating with himself. if we wanted, we could have cut the tension between us. A sparkle and all of us would have burnt down. Just a sparkle would have ended all. – I thought the exact same thing. – he just kept his silence, but I didn’t really want to be there no more. – Good night Colson. – I nodded and stepped inside my room and headed immediately to the bathroom from where I could clearly hear that after I closed the door… his fists also met with the door… quite strongly.

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anything-advice-blog · 7 years

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Submission - URGENT

URGENT

sorry i tried to find the key word and read faq and disclaimer multiple times but cant find a thing (if you still use it) but i found out my best friend attemped suicide today but apparently chickened out of it in the last minute and now hes in hospital. its 2 am and its been over a hour since i found out but im still shaking and crying and not sure if i can properly stand or walk.

1. what if he had done it / succeeded (im not sure what happened) idk what i would have done and what if he tries again and this time it actually happens, it would be so horrible and i dont know i dont fucking know

2. i also dont know what to say to him, he always blames himself for every single thing, “im so glad you didnt do it” -> he’d think he did something wrong (which he of course did but i understand and dont blame him im just so happy hes still alive) and then never tell me about anything again, “please dont hurt yourself again” -> he’d think he did something even more wrong. also he never tells me about how hes feeling bc he doesnt want anyone to worry about him, like when i found out about today it was bc he told me “lol theyre gonna drug test me loll”.. but it works the opposite bc now i never know when hes hurting himself or feeling down so i have to be worried 24/7.

3. this is all just so terrible and all i can imagine is him in ambulance or calling the emergency number or lying in hospital bed and i dont even know what he has done because HE DOESNT TELL ME ANYTHING. and i would like to say he doesnt deserve this and ofc hes my best friend and i just want to see him happy and aaaaaaaaaaaaaaa but hes actually been pretty rude to me recently and ive been so angry at him and this is all just too much bc im still mad af at him but at the same time very WORRIED.

4. im feeling so guilty bc i was at a party today and had really fun and he was TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF. also im really bad at listening and always trying to say something positive but i know that theres nothing positive about his life situation and i kinda understand why he did this.

and everythings just a mess and i dont know what to do and say and what if he does it again and now its nearly 3 am and i should be up at 8.30 but idk if i can go to school but i really should and the school portraits are taken tomorrow morning and im gonna look like a corpse

probably the worst thing is how hes not wanting any help or anyone to worry and all his messages are just “lol tried to kill myself but im still here wasting oxygen ahahah”-style (the 3 short messages he has sent about this). its actually so big and serious thing but i would probably act the same. i WANT to worry about him, hes so important to me i dont know i dont know i dont know i dont know

*TRIGGER WARNING - SUICIDE**

Hey love,

I personally want to apologise for getting to this ask so late, and I sincerely hope that you and your friend are okay. Firstly, discovering that your friend has attempted suicide can be such a scary and daunting experience, and I want to make sure that you are okay. This can be a lot to deal with, and a lot to take in, and it’s extremely important that you are looking after your own health. Please do not hesitate to talk to a professional or a trusted adult/friend about how you feel, because if your friend is in danger of harming himself, it is not solely your responsibility to look after him.

As for the first part of your ask, it would be absolutely devastating if he had succeeded, and that would be tremendously hard to deal with. However, just try to think positively, as he didn’t succeed, and he is still here, living and breathing - even if he doesn’t want to be. This gives everyone time to find the best help available before it happens again.

People who are experiencing these feelings often blame themselves, and unfortunately there’s nothing that you can do to turn that around. When saying things such as “I’m glad you didn’t do it,” perhaps try and think of a different way to phrase how you say it to them. For example, rather than saying “please don’t hurt yourself again,” tell him how proud you are that he hasn’t been hurting himself. That will ensure that doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, however that’s purely just an example.

Of course he doesn’t deserve this - no one does. If he is being rude to you - just try to understand that he is emotional, and that sometimes he isn’t thinking rationally. Obviously that is much easier said rather than done, but sometimes it cannot be helped.

In no way should you feel guilty for doing something that you genuinely want to do, such as going out to a party, for a fear that something will happen to him. You cannot stop your life in order to watch over someone 24/7, as this will make your mental health deteriorate, and it’s not your responsibility at all. However, it is still okay to be worried, because that’s what friends do, and it’s completely normal.

Have you tried talking to his parents, or someone close to him that could potentially help in getting him to seek professional help? It’s so important in this situation that he gains the best help he can in order to prevent any suicide attempts, and to overall better his mental health.

I really hope that you and your friend are okay, and I’m going to list some online counselling services below that either of you can easily access to ensure that you can get some professional help when and if you need it.

Headspace

Beyondblue

SANE

Lifeline

Lizzie x

#aab #anythingadviceblog #lizzie #urgent #tw suicide #suicide #tw #trigger warning #best friend #help #advice #mental health #submission

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