#but yeah majority albums i listen to have a couple skips at least

[1-800-imagine]

autumn’s song

sero x reader

✎ genre: angst, pro hero au? 

✎ warnings: angst, major and implied death

✎ word count: 2.5k

✎ inside scoop: this fic is inspired by autumn’s song by stephen day for more than obvious reasons, and i personally recommend you listen along as you read (you can click here for that). of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to -- whatever optimizes your reading experience. 

on a separate note, i’ll probably get some more time to finish up some pieces this weekend that’s honestly debatable but we’ll see. so if you’d like, you can go ahead and request something. 

✎ synopsis: fall had always been a tough time for sero, seeing that it had always reminded him of you.

the last thing sero ever wanted to do was get so hung up on the past -- it was the last thing you ever wished for him. though it’s tough when everything seems to bring back so many memories. 

even the entire season of fall brought him back to times when you were around. afterall autumn was just filled with so many great memories of your relationship. 

swinging through the awfully familiar city of musutafu, sero can feel the tears pooling at the corners of his eyes -- threatening to roll down his cheeks at any given minute.

the tape hero stops at the next post available. he lifts off his helmet in order to take in some of the fresh air. that cold, crisp atmosphere hits sero’s tear-stained cheeks, along with reels of unwanted memories.

he does his best to suppress those reminders of what once was -- at the very least keeping them tucked in the farthest part of his mind so that he can finish up his patrol. 

“great,” he utters. just as sero thought he could escape his little swamp of thoughts, he realizes his surroundings -- far too familiar for his own comfort. he looks down, only to see your favorite, seasonal spot, surprised that it was still running its usual business after all this time. 

right as the hero boarded up those old memories, the floodgates seem open right back up. this time hitting him harder than the bullet trains running all through japan. 

sero felt the wind cascade through his long hair, tickling the back of his neck. he felt your hand in his own -- fingers intertwined. the sound of leaves crunching filled his ears with every step along this newer, unknown path. 

your destination, to you, was a mystery -- a surprise actually. sero had always seemed to cross paths with this little cafe on his way to pick you up from your hero work. he was actually quite alarmed, when you said you hadn't heard of it since you passed by almost everyday. 

well, sero gave you the benefit of the doubt considering it was a small place -- family-owned he assumed. a quaint little shop, lodged between two much taller, corporate buildings. in short: it was very easy to skip past the place. 

when the two of you had stepped inside, you were greeted with a sense of shelter from the cold, bitter outside. that smell of sweet pastries filled your numbed noses. the space was a lot smaller than it appeared to be.

it was empty too, the only other people inside were an older couple, but they didn’t seem much older than the two of you. 

the older man wore a mossy green cap, despite there being no sun needed to be shielded from. a narrow, grey streak weaved through the woman’s hair, contrasting its natural, dark tones. it was pretty, representing the wisdom she gained in her years of living. 

“ah welcome,” a voice called out. it was the older woman’s voice -- smooth and sweet like honey. “what a lovely young couple,” she mentioned, “you two must’ve been dating for quite a while, yeah?”  her question earned a rosy shade from sero’s cheeks all the way to the tips of his ears; and a nervous chuckle was all you could seem to muster up. 

“you don’t have to answer her,” the older man, who was presumed to be the woman’s husband, interrupted. just by listening to the tone in his voice alone, sero could tell the man was clearly displeased with the woman’s antics. 

the older woman gestured for the two of you to come inside. “we don’t get too many people coming by,” she spoke. “i think that’s obvious,” her husband interjected. 

the wife gestured to you two to come in, she made the both of you feel very welcomed -- like a part of their little family. “we’re glad you chose to stay” the husband observed, “we’re the kokawa’s by the way.”

the lady maneuvered around the tables, claiming that the one directly in the center was the most perfect. she handed you two some paper menus as you sat down and got yourselves comfortable. “thank you kokawa-sama” sero thanked, scanning over some of his options. 

“please, call me chiyoko,” the older woman requested, “and that is isamu.” she was very casual, inviting you to use both her and her husband’s first names. in return, you had offered your names to the couple, “i’m (y/n), and that’s hanta.” sero felt so giddy inside when you pronounced his name, like a little kid on the swing set. it was just that he always loved how his name rolled off your tongue. 

chiyoko shared some of the couple’s favorite items with the two of you, “i recommend the yuzu honey, it can be served hot or cold,” she explained, “the hojicha is a favorite of isamu’s; though, i would only indulge after a big meal.”

your eyes seemed to have lit up at something chiyoko recommended, and sero knew exactly what it was. given the two of you had been dating for a year or so, he was able to read you like the back of his hand. 

“i think the yuzu honey sounds great,” you ordered -- just as sero predicted, a silly, little smirk gracing his lips. he knew how much you loved that sweet, citrus tea rain or shine. “and what about you?” chiyoko had seemed to catch sero off guard. “i, uh, yuzu honey as well please,” he uttered. 

“so the two yuzu honey? that’s all?” chiyoko affirms. you respond with a small nod. 

the older woman takes the menus and walks to the back, leaving the two of you alone for a moment. “thank you hanta,” you expressed. “what for?” the male asks, hints of confusion littered in his voice. “this,” you answered, “we haven’t spent quality time like this in a while.” 

there was a pause in your words, and you reached out for sero’s hand across the table. “i’m sorry,” you muttered. when you looked up, your boyfriend noticed the glassiness layered over top your eyes. 

“don’t be,” he assures, “we’ve been really busy lately, you know, saving the city.” his signature proud, triangular smile lit up the room. “but i’m glad we can spend some time together every now and then,” sero adds, giving your hand a tight squeeze. 

you found so much comfort in his words -- it was like he knew exactly what to say. 

“ahem,” isamu grunted. he was holding a small tray with two cups of tea balanced on top. from the background you could hear chiyoko scolding her husband, “isamu, quit being so impatient. can’t you see they’re having such a sweet moment.” you watched as she discarded a lonesome tear. 

isamu took the cups from the little tray and gently placed them on the table. “don’t worry about it,” sero assured, followed with a light-hearted chuckle; your lips shifted into a simple little smirk. 

you took a small little sip of the tea from the cup, your expression perking up almost immediately -- like a small dog wagging their little tail. the steam from the cup warmed up your face as well. sero took a swig of his tea, and he tasted the bright flavors of the yuzu, which contrasted the duller shades of autumn. 

“enjoy?” the older woman asked. your small, little smirk spread into a smile. “very much,” you responded. 

while you continued to sip on your drinks, chiyoko even brought out albums of countless, old photos of the life her and isamu had shared. it was a life sero only wished he’d be able to share with you. 

but things aren’t always so simple -- they always say all good things must come to an end, right?

it was the first day of fall following summer -- the weather was much cooler than the previous days. some people even claimed it to be an ominous sign. the wind threatened to pull trees from their roots, the fog made it difficult to see nearly five feet ahead.

but sero continued to fight the both wind and the fog. he rushed through the city, because he knew what was at stake. cellophane had been called onto the scene to support a mission gone awry -- your mission that had gone awry. 

the closer sero got, the more he could see how disastrous the mission had gone. what was once a tall standing building, now turned to nothing but rubble. heroes from all over the board came to offer any sort of assistance.

though he could barely recognize them, but sero even saw some of his old high school classmates coming to the rescue. 

he watched as the tentacle hero, tentacole, brought the leftover civilians to safety, being sure to shield them from any of ground zero and gale force’s uncontrollable blasts of power. uravity, sugar rush, and battle fist had been maneuvering larger masses in order to find anyone hidden in the debris, while alien queen melted away the concrete and steel. 

even sero’s former teacher, eraserhead, worked with the underground hero, mind jack, to round up the last of the villains. 

as soon as the tape hero swung onto the scene, he found the nearest person he could ask for help. he figured top hero creati was sure to know where you could be. “mo-creati,” cellophane announced, granting him the creation hero’s attention. “have you seen them?” he questioned.

the least she gave him was a shake of her head. “i’m sorry,” the creation hero began, “we don’t know of their whereabouts as of right now.” though she made it seem that she was composed under the frantic situation, creati was just as scared as cellophane. 

from then sero did one of the most unprofessional, irrational things a hero could do and run straight into the chaos without any other instruction. it was against protocol -- it was against his own rules, but he was desperate to know if you were safe.  

“cellophane!” another hero called out. it was red riot, a former classmate and a close friend. the bmi hero, fat gum, followed close behind. 

sero gripped both of his red-haired pal’s sturdy shoulders. “please,” the hero’s voice began to grow desperate, “please tell me you’ve seen them.”

“no,” the red-head answered. sero began to drown himself in his own thoughts. where on earth could you be? were you even alright? you had to be. he thought. “but the last anyone has heard or seen from them was over that away,” red riot pointed out.

cellophane gave his buddy a simple nod as a sign of appreciation, before proceeding down the path he had pointed out. 

as he continued in that direction, the tape hero stumbled across a body, which laid dormant and defeated in front of him. he recognized the definable features to be yours, eyes growing wide at the sight. despair washed over sero at his discovery. 

‘no it isn’t,’ he thought, ‘it can’t possibly be them. is it?’ sero knew there was only one possible way to answer that question -- a question he wished he would never have to answer. 

it was almost like his legs took root in the ground below, his knees pulled him to the ground like heavy rocks. sero felt himself sinking into the ground. 

“(y/n)?” he whispered. the warmth of his arms contrasted that of the body held between them. 

a silent bubble formed around the two of you, but all sero wished for was to hear your voice. he wanted that voice to tell him that everything would all be okay. that things would soon go back to normal -- though he knew they wouldn’t. 

“hanta, say something. please,” you begged, your words filling that silence, “let me hear your voice once more.”

nothing. unlike the countless times before, sero didn’t know what to say. he simply just didn’t have the right words. 

you had brought your hand up to hold onto sero’s cheek, and he felt the warmth begin to fade. “hanta,” you spoke out, barely even whispering. every breath containing less and less life in it. 

“(y/n). . .” he whimpered, but it was too late. your hand dropped due to the lack of life in it. “(y/n)” he continued, “(y/n), please, (y/n)!” the tears finally began to fall, with no sign of stopping anytime soon. 

“don’t leave me,” he pleaded, “don’t leave me without saying goodbye.” 

there was no response. 

“you promised,” the words echoed through the open space, “you promised.”

that day japan lost a strong hero, and sero lost an even stronger love. 

just about two autumns have passed since your incident, and there isn’t a day that goes by where sero doesn’t think about how things might’ve been if you were still around. 

he wonders if you would still have been the same person you were back then. he wonders what would have changed. what would have stayed the same?

but sero knows he can’t get so hung up on the what if’s, because they aren’t the reality -- a reality without you around anymore. 

the wind hits the back of sero’s neck, and it brings him back to that first time he walked down this once familiar path. however, this time he can only wish that you were still by his side, accompanying him. 

when the male stepps inside, he’s hit with that same warmth once more. just this time he can tell that something was the slightest bit off. 

a voice calls out -- isamu, “long time no see.” a long time it indeed had been -- just about two years to be exact.

since the tragedy had struck, sero hadn’t come back to the little cafe; however, the male figured he’d stop by while he was already in the area. at least to say his hello’s to the couple if nothing else.

the older woman, chiyoko, emerges from the back room, a tray in her hands. her eyes grow wide, like she some sort of apparition stood in front of her. “welcome back,” chiyoko greets. a relieving smile shifts onto her face. it makes sero feel at home -- the most at home he’s felt in a little while. “please come sit,” isamu insists. 

sero does as he’s told, walking toward the center of the cafe -- the best seat in the house. it reminds him of that first time he visited with you. 

chiyoko comes by the table with a small cup in hand. “yuzu honey?” she offers, “it’s on the house.” sero gives the woman a simple little nod, taking the offering from her. as he sips on what once was your favorite beverage, he tastes that bright, citrus flavor. that flavor you had fallen in love with all that time ago. 

“how’s (y/n) doing?” chiyoko questions. she was always a very curious woman and probably couldn’t help but ask. sero could hear isamu grunting from behind, attempting to signal to chiyoko that she may have overstepped her boundaries. 

“it’s alright,” sero utters, “they-” 

he can’t even give the older couple a proper answer. so instead, sero put on that signature, triangular smile -- like a mask, covering the deep, twisted despair inside. he took a deep inhale and lied.  

“they’ve been doing well,” he wished.

#boku no hero academia #bhna #bhna imagines #bhna angst #bhna x reader #my hero academia #mha #mha imagines #mha angst #mha x reader #sero hanta #sero hanta x reader #sero x reader #sero angst

[athingthatwantsvirginia]

Not Joyce or Monet

PART THIRTY-NINE OF THE DO YOU SEE HER FACE? SERIES

Pairing: Jess Mariano x Original Character (Ella Stevens)

Warnings: major discussions of parent death/death in general, smoking, drinking, plentiful pop culture references

Word Count: 6.3K

Summary: Jess publishes his second book and Ella receives a troubling call from Stars Hollow.

Flopping face-first down onto the bed, Ella breathed a sigh of relief. It would have felt strange not to have a little champagne at Jess’s book launch party. But, she was a lightweight. She was floating somewhere between tipsy, buzzed, and drunk. At least she was still capable of slipping off her shoes before making her way to the bedroom. She’d even managed to change into pajamas, brush her teeth, and wash her face. A far cry from the screwdriver incident at Liz’s baby shower. A heavy winter snow fell outside the windows and a touch of cold air seeped into the draughty apartment. Goosebumps rose lightly on her skin. In her state, they felt nice instead of uncomfortable. She was already dozing when Jess came in, having taken a quick shower. His hair was still damp as he climbed into bed next to her, the movement shaking her from her haze.

“Did you like your party?” she murmured, watching as he shut off the lamp and rolled over to face her.

His face was aglow with the bluish light of the snowy Saturday evening. “Mhm.”

She snickered a bit at his nonchalance. “I know you hate parties, but Chris insisted it was the best way to drum up business. And you do like surprises, Mr. Spontaneity. Matthew and I made it as lowkey as we could.”

“It wasn’t so bad, Eleanor. Really,” he said, shrugging. “You’re remembering that you whispered lines from Catch-22 in my ear all night, right?”

“I figured you’d need some Joseph Heller to make it through,” she explained, slightly sheepish.

Jess smiled. “Of course. And watching Chris and Leo get so drunk they do their acapella version of ‘Under Pressure’ could never be bad.”

“Leo does do a damn good Freddie Mercury,” Ella agreed, chuckling. “I didn’t realize the publishing agents would all go blackout level, too.”

“Oh, yeah. You should’ve seen what Chris did for the Subsect launch. It was like that scene where E.T. gets drunk. But if there were fifty aliens in the movie instead of just one,” Jess said flatly, begrudgingly.

“You must be a little drunk if you’re letting a cheesy eighties movie slip. Or have I finally converted you?” she teased, snuggling deeper into the pillow.

Jess smirked. “Not yet. Chris made me try his Manhattans to see if they ‘tasted too much like gasoline.’”

“I have a sneaking suspicion that they did,” Ella said.

“Someone give the lady a prize,” Jess shot back tiredly. “Good thing we walked there.”

“Yeah. And good thing I got to watch you catch a snowflake with your tongue on the way back.”

“Shut up.”

“Hey, don’t be embarrassed, cutie,” she said, forcing her laughter down. “I’ll be eating my words when you watch me fall on my ass while we’re ice-skating with April.”

She knew if he’d been entirely sober, he wouldn’t have gotten so caught up in his wonderment at the storm. But Ella had also seen him sticking out his tongue awaiting a snowflake in an old, yellowing photo album Liz had shown off during her baby shower. In it, Jess had been no more than three. Dressed in a raggedy winter jacket on some grimy corner of New York City. He and Liz were sticking their tongues out together. Seeing the photo had given Ella’s mouth a bittersweet taste. It was hard to imagine Jess ever feeling so relaxed around his mother. She saw the same rare awe from him on the walk home. Most of the time, he was so weighed down by the world he could barely come up for air. She thought she had never seen him look so young at heart before.

“Can’t wait,” Jess hummed, mocking. It was nearly time for April’s winter break, and Anna had somehow agreed to let her spend it with Luke, Lorelai, and Rory. Ella and Jess had opted to return to Stars Hollow for Christmas, after the bumps in the road on Thanksgiving. Two more days, and they’d be braving the icy roads on their way up to Connecticut. April had already called them to schedule a time for ice-skating. The proper, analytical way the little girl spoke never failed to amuse Ella.

“Me neither,” Ella quipped as her eyelids began to droop again. She could smell the minty scent of Jess’s shampoo.

As he watched her begin to drift off, he leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead. From what Matthew had said, Ella had essentially been put in charge of the party when Chris’s trademark irresponsibility made an appearance. Matthew had jury duty and couldn’t assume his usual role of organizer in the wake of Chris’s chaotic decision-making. What she’d managed to throw together, though, was one of the better parties Jess had ever been to. The publishers they knew usually sent younger employees to the underground press launches, and Chris had ended up making friends with most of the usual suspects at the launch for Jess’s first book. Ella had made sure the guest list only included familiar faces. If they just had to throw him a surprise party, which Chris demanded (normally, she wouldn’t have listened, but if it was a matter of getting his book better exposure, she was willing to risk it), she’d try to make it as comfortable for him as possible. Or, at the very least, bearable.

And she’d just gotten done with finals two days earlier. He could see how tired she was. Her nerves over the possibility of seeing her father during the winter holidays hadn’t helped her sleeping recently either. Though Jess wasn’t sure how it would actually pan out, she claimed she wanted an attempt at apologizing for what she’d said at Adam’s graduation. She was sick of family nonsense, she said. Maybe if she levelled the playing field, they could begin to understand each other again. Ella herself wasn’t sure exactly what had sparked her desire to try again with her family, but suspected it might have been Thanksgiving. Jess, simply put, was someone she admired. Seeing him trying to mend his relationships (even though he didn’t have to, even though it was difficult), made her feel just a little more confident. Maybe not everything turned out bad, after all.

Shutting his own eyes, Jess slipped his hand beneath Ella’s shirt, his fingertips ghosting over her back. She smiled softly at his touch, feather-light. A pleasant shiver rolled through her.

“Thank you for the party,” he said, barely above a whisper.

“Well, thanks for writing my new favorite book,” she answered instantly, sleepy and sincere. “I’m so fucking proud of you.”

.   .   .

There were still a couple hours left until lunchtime when Ella slipped through the door at Truncheon, but it wasn’t entirely uncommon for her to show up and work a little. Especially when she was on break from school and got antsy. Jess had debated giving her the easel he’d bought her for Christmas early, so she would have something new to focus on while he tied up the odds and ends at the book press. But, ultimately, he wanted to wait until the morning after they returned to Philadelphia. It would be far more surprising to wake up and find a Christmas present wrapped up in the living room on the morning of New Year’s Day than on the actual gift-giving holiday.

When he’d left for his last day of work prior to their trip to Connecticut, she’d still been half asleep. Her sketchbook was open on her bedside table, a pencil drawing of a child with hollow eyes having yet to be shaded. She’d been up late working on it the night before, on a roll. He hadn’t even shut the door to the apartment before she was out cold again. He’d been anxious to get back home, to pack and prepare for the trip. In his opinion, there was no use in only opening for a Monday and then closing for the holidays the rest of the week, but Matthew’s stickler spirit won out. Jess wasn’t going to be skipping around the store in merriment as the rest of the world took a vacation, but he also wasn’t moping around like Chris. He was in the midst of diffusing an argument between his two coworkers when Ella arrived.

He wanted to smile when he saw her, and almost did. But then he got a good look at her hazel eyes, and immediately he could tell something was wrong. It wasn’t that she was sleepy, though she looked a bit haggard in with her peacoat tied around her haphazardly and her hair wild, dotted with the snowflakes falling steadily outside. Instead, she looked almost unreachable. His Eleanor who was always so present and vivid and alive, even in the midst of drudgery. And she wasn’t daydreaming, either. She wasn’t off in her own thoughts, thinking of Emily Dickinson or James Joyce or Claude Monet. No; she was simply not there. Not really.

“Hey, honey. You’re early,” he began as she approached him, where he stood in between Matthew and Chris. The two of them didn’t even notice she’d come in until Jess addressed her, still too caught up in their argument over where to place the new books of free-form poetry.

Swallowing harshly, Ella gave a weak smile and raked her fingers through her hair. She walked up to them, wringing her hands together. Jess didn’t need to see her hands to know she had already bitten her nails down to the quick. At the interruption, Chris gave a frustrated huff and turned to Ella.

“Ella, please tell Matthew it makes zero sense to put the free-form poetry anywhere near the sonnets! They should be on opposite ends of the store, as far as I’m concerned,” he exclaimed in exasperation.

Matthew rolled his eyes, crossing his arms over his chest as his jaw clenched. “I’m glad you’re here, Ella. Please tell Chris that we don’t only sell poetry, and free-form or not, it has no business anywhere near science fiction!”

Furrowing her brows, distracted, Ella shook her head. “Um...I don’t know...but I….”

“What?” Jess asked as she gestured slightly with her hands. Her face was pale, and she almost seemed confused, at a loss for words. It didn’t happen to her often, to say the least.

Blowing out a breath, she tried again, jerking her thumb back over her shoulder. “Back at the apartment...I just got a call from my brother. My dad’s dead.”

Jess’s heart dropped into his stomach. “What?”

“Yeah,” Ella said, nodding. As she continued, she took a hair elastic from her wrist and began pulling her locks into a ponytail. “Adam said he was in a car accident this morning. Driving home from some bar in Maryland. If I had to guess, he was still a little drunk from last night. No one else got hurt, which is good. He hit a patch of black ice, and he was going too fast, and I guess he just went right off the road. Into a tree. And he wasn’t wearing his seatbelt.”

Her speech became more urgent with every word, as they heard it sink in for her in real time. But she was never frantic, only determined and stern. The spacey fog was fading from her demeanor, though it remained in her eyes. Only in her eyes. She didn’t give them time to respond, just kept thinking out loud.

“Noah’s already on a plane from Oregon, but I don’t think he’s gonna be any help. And Adam said Fiona’s freaking out, so I’m almost definitely going to have to make the arrangements. I know you guys have work and stuff, but we need to pack up and get there before the rest of the family does, or everything will probably just explode on principle. Fuck! This is just like him. To die a week before Christmas!���

“Whoa, hey, Eleanor, just slow down for a second, okay?” Jess began, taking a hesitant step towards her and grabbing her hand. He squeezed once, hard, hoping to calm her down at least a little.

“Jesus, Ella-” Chris began.

“I’m so sorry,” Matthew said.

Ella shook her head, her face stoic. “Don’t, okay? Don’t be sorry. No one needs to be sorry. He was a fucking drunk, and it finally caught up with him. I just need to get back to Stars Hollow to take care of this, and then maybe Christmas won’t be completely ruined. Sound good?”

“Elle, just hold on. You should sit down and-” Jess said, but she cut him off.

“No, Jess. Seriously, I’m fine. Let’s just go and get it over with, and then it’ll be done,” she said, her hand never leaving his though she didn’t squeeze back. Her tone was tight, clipped, but she didn’t sound angry. He recognized it from the night on the bridge when she’d told him about the days following her mother’s death. The way she held it all together, and blocked it all out. Numb and headstrong.

“Do you want us to come with?” Matthew asked, watching with uncertainty as Ella began to tug Jess towards the door, grabbing his bag for him and handing him his coat.

“What? Of course not,” Ella said, insistent, as though it were obvious. “All I need to do is steal Jess for a few days. You need to do whatever it is you’re gonna do with Mabel. And Chris needs to do whatever it is he’s gonna do with Leo, and you need to tell me about it when we get back. I can pretty much guarantee your stories will be more fun than mine.”

“Are you sure?” Chris chimed in, brow heavy with worry. Her iciness surprised him. He had never heard someone react to a parent’s death quite so flippantly before.

“Yes. Jesus, Chris, keep up,” she replied, in a way which would have spurred a playful argument on a normal day. Again, her nonchalance unnerved all three of them.

Jess interlocked their fingers again instantly once he had his bag and his coat, almost heading out the door already. She was moving too fast for him to process much of anything, only reacting. He hadn’t seen her in such a frenzy in a very long time. “Eleanor, wait. Stop.”

“I can’t stop, Jess. I told you, we’ve gotta get there before my uncle has time to hit on Fiona and before Noah has time to piss off Adam. It’s fine. I promise. I’m fine.”

He opened his mouth to respond, but she pulled him out the front door instead. As they went, she shouted over her shoulder to Matthew and Chris: “Happy holidays! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!”

And then, she and Jess were gone. Chris and Matthew exchanged concerned, flabbergasted glances.

.   .   .

Flashback was the word that came to the forefront of her mind, as she stared up at the ceiling in the Gilmore living room. Luke and Lorelai were trying, and she appreciated it. They could both tell she didn’t want to talk about it, only wanted a bit of normalcy after the long day. And they’d obliged. After all, they’d had practice. Lorelai knew exactly what to do. She’d had Luke bring dinner home from the diner: turkey sandwiches and sodas. She’d suggested they watch a movie after dinner, something campy horror. Finally, they had settled on The Lost Boys. Ella knew how much Jess hated the movie, especially Kiefer Sutherland’s mullet, but he never complained once. A large part of her wished he would. She wanted it to be the way it was supposed to be. She wanted to have Christmas in Stars Hollow with the people who felt more like her family than her father did. Adam celebrating with one of his school friends in Boston, Fiona with her sister, Noah with his finacée in Oregon. But, of course, things never went as planned. Not in Ella’s experience at least.

At some point during the movie, she’d fallen asleep on the couch. No matter how much she wanted to stay awake until the end, she couldn’t keep her eyes open. Dealing with Fiona’s blubbering and Adam’s silence and Noah’s anger had pretty well exhausted her. Not to mention the business setting up the funeral at the church. She’d spent nearly two hours with the pastor, but the service was only halfway planned. She wished Aunt Julie could arrive sooner, but the girls were in school until Tuesday. Erin had some big recital she was pitching a fit about missing. Ella couldn’t blame her. She wouldn’t want to be there if she didn’t have to be. No, they would arrive on Wednesday morning. Two hours before the funeral, set for noon. At some point before then, Ella would have to sort out the flower arrangements and the music and the programs. At least Luke was providing the food. She assumed he would before he even offered. And she would have to write the eulogy. But she wasn’t even thinking about it yet. Every time the idea of writing it entered her mind, she would start humming a Stevie Nicks song and pointedly ignore it.

It was all too familiar. The planning, the writing, the consoling. Since they’d arrived in Stars Hollow that afternoon, it had been a non stop barrage of tasks and tears. None of it was surprising. And it almost made her want to laugh. The minute she heard that her mother was dead, she had burst out laughing, a nervous reaction she couldn’t control. Granted, the laughter came from deep inside her, and probably resembled a pained shriek more than an actual giggle. But it was laughter nonetheless, and her father had recognized it as such. He’d yelled at her until his voice became hoarse. She knew it wouldn’t happen again. He was the dead one now, after all. But still, she didn’t let the anxious laughter escape. She didn’t let anything escape. After the punishment she’d received for letting go last time, she knew not to do it again. No one was there to smack her, to scream, but she just couldn’t bring herself to forget how it had felt. Like she couldn’t even grieve right. And the best way to grieve became to not grieve at all.

She laid with one hand on her stomach and the other behind her head, analyzing the popcorn ceiling. She’d awoken with the room dim and the TV shut off. A quilt which she hadn’t fallen asleep under was draped over her, and there were hushed whispers in the direction of the kitchen. She hadn’t planned to wake up until morning, but she hadn’t planned to fall asleep there either. They were supposed to be sleeping in the apartment above the diner for the vacation, while Rory and April took the spare beds in the Gilmore house. But neither girl had yet to arrive, and Lorelai insisted Ella and Jess stay over after dinner. It was no use driving over in the snow, even if Luke’s was only about a minute away. Ella couldn’t believe how similar it all was to before. Sleeping alone on the Gilmore couch as others worried over her a few feet away.

She listened, in spite of herself. It was too tempting not to eavesdrop when she’d already heard her name so many times. Luke was concerned about her forgetting to eat. Lorelai was concerned about her shutting everyone out and being overwhelmed by the funeral preparations. And both of them were concerned about her coming to blows with Fiona at some point in the next few days.

Sighing, Ella ran her tongue over her teeth and remembered she hadn’t brushed them. She debated not doing so, but decided to just bite the bullet. With everything else on her mind, she thought it best to eliminate all the outward elements which might impede her from getting back to sleep. She rolled over on her side, preparing to sit up, when she saw Jess. She thought he’d be in the kitchen, talking with Luke and Lorelai. Instead, he sat on the floor with his back against the sofa. His head was near hers, leaned back. His eyes were closed, but he wasn’t snoring. She doubted he was fully asleep, but nonetheless attempted to get past him and rummage through the bag on the armchair to find her toothbrush. Her stealth proved lacking, however, when he began to stir as soon as she reached the bag.

“Hey,” he said quietly, rubbing at his eyes with the heels of his hands and doing his best to seem lively. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing,” she replied, fishing her toothbrush out from the sea of clothes she’d thrown into the duffel before they sped away from the apartment in Philadelphia. “I just forgot to brush my teeth.”

“Oh,” he said, nodding and hoisting himself up. His neck was already sore from the position he’d dozed off in, unwilling to follow Luke and Lorelai into the kitchen with Ella asleep on the couch. “Me too. I’ll come with.”

She nodded back, grabbing his toothbrush as well. The whispers didn’t cease until they made their way into the kitchen, Luke and Lorelai looking up at their entrance. Ella debated using the upstairs bathroom, not disturbing the two of them. But she didn’t have the energy to climb the stairs, and it would be the first time she could get a good look at the new half-bathroom they added next to Rory’s room. The smell of the diner food lingered, and it made Ella’s chest feel just a touch less tight. Lorelai broke out into a small smile at the sight of the two of them.

“You need anything, sweetie?” she asked, speaking only to Ella.

Though she felt a bit uncomfortable under everyone’s gaze, Ella smiled back. There was a warmth in her stomach at Lorelai’s voice. She focused on that feeling, and only that feeling. “No, we’re fine. Just brushing our teeth. The dentist would be pissed at me if I broke the pattern after over twenty years.”

“That’s true. Always best to avoid the Sweeney Todd dentistry possibility,” Lorelai agreed, nodding. Then, she yawned theatrically and looked at Luke, who only rolled his eyes at the dramatics. “I think we’re gonna head upstairs. It’s past our bedtime.”

“Still got those four o’clock deliveries, huh?” Jess asked sullenly, eyeing Luke. Many a morning when he was a teenager, he’d been awoken at half past three by the sound of Luke’s alarm.

Luke sighed. “For the business that housed and fed you for two years? Yeah, I do.”

Ella snorted a laugh, and nudged Jess playfully in the ribs. “Like you’re not always up before the sun, even on Saturday.”

“Where do you think that started?” Jess shot back, pointing an accusatory finger at Luke. “He screwed with my internal clock for life!”

“I think that’s enough fuel for future therapy sessions for tonight,” Lorelai announced, rising from the table, Luke following.

“Agreed,” Luke grumbled.

As they exchanged goodnights, Lorelai gave Ella a kiss on the cheek. Immediately after, she scrunched up her nose and smudged the lipstick from Ella’s freckled skin with her thumb. To Ella’s shock, Lorelai also gave Jess a short hug before making for the stairs. Luke hugged Jess,  too. The two of them still had trouble showing physical affection for each other, as they probably always would. Ella had to stifle a laugh at the awkwardness between them.

When Luke hugged Ella, though, she felt tears prick at her eyes for the first time all day. She recognized his familiar smell, the soft feeling of his flannel, his strong arms around her. Somewhere in her mind, it occurred to her that the way it felt for Luke to hug her was what she had always wanted it to feel like when her own father hugged her. And she knew for sure she would never get it from him. She could finally be certain there was nothing left to do to repair her relationship with him. There was no time left for Jake to make her feel as safe as Luke made her feel. As he never had, even in her childhood. But by the time she and Luke broke apart, she had gathered herself enough. She cleared her throat and blinked away the glassy sheen in her eyes.

Luke ruffled her hair as he stepped back from her. If he saw that she was upset, he didn’t acknowledge it. “Don’t worry, kid. We’ll get everything figured out tomorrow.”

“I know, boss,” she replied.

.   .   .

The cigarette smoke made her a bit nauseous, but it was also comforting in a way she was slightly ashamed of. The winter air was crisp and biting, and her cheeks were frosted roses. Embers glowed orange in the darkness as she took a long drag, burning her lungs. She was already regretting it, but she simply felt too tired to think out the actual consequences of what she was doing. She had tried. She really had. But falling asleep, with Jess snoring softly beneath her as they lay on the couch, was absolutely impossible. Fatigue was weighing down her bones, and there was a perpetual ache throbbing behind her eyes. But each time she got close to sleep, the thought of her father would flash across her mind, and she would be wide awake once more.

Once she gave up, she had managed to sneak outside unnoticed. The wind whispered past her, hollow and haunting. But maybe everything was feeling spookier because death was at the forefront of her mind. Then again, when wasn’t it? Though the shock had certainly hit her with full force when she heard the news, she couldn’t bring herself to be surprised. The other shoe had dropped. She knew it would, just when she let her guard down. The moment she forgot to worry, the universe had knocked her down again. She flicked her cigarette and watched the excess ash melt a small spot in the snow below the steps.

At the sound of the front door creaking open, she startled only a little. For a wild moment, she wanted to put her cigarette out and hide it behind her back, pretending to be innocent. Especially if it was Luke. But she had to remember she was a grown up. And the feeling disappeared entirely when she saw only a disheveled Jess wrapping himself up in his jacket as he came out onto the porch and sat down next to her.

“You’re gonna catch a cold out here,” he remarked, holding her peacoat out to her.

She took it with a trembling hand.

“Thank you,” she said solemnly, breathing out a long stream of smoke as she spoke. The coat was old and cheap, and did little to help a Connecticut winter, but she shrugged it on anyway.

He nodded, chewing on his bottom lip. “Don’t mention it.”

They sat in silence, an owl hooting somewhere in the trees beyond the house. Ella didn’t put the cigarette out until it got so small it began to burn her fingers. After she’d discarded it, her breath still puffed out, along with Jess’s, in frigid white clouds. Flurries of snow fell in scattered sprays, but the night was mostly quiet and overcast. Jess crossed his arms over his chest, waiting.

She spoke, as he knew she eventually would, after a few more minutes. Gesturing down to the crushed cigarette, her tired eyes met his. “Do you want one?”

“No, thanks,” he said, shaking his head. “Where’d you get those in the middle of the night in Stars Hollow, anyway?”

A thin smirk ghosted over her lips. “Snatched ‘em off Bootsy’s newsstand.”

“Really?” he asked, laughing slightly, with eyebrows raised.

She snorted and rolled her eyes. “Don’t act so surprised, Mariano. I was sneaking out of my bedroom window long before you got here.”

“Touché.” His eyes lingered on her, hair glistening golden in the soft light and eyes still far off somewhere miles away. He hesitated before he continued. “Did you walk all the way to Bootsy’s without a coat?”

She shrugged, glancing down at the Doc Martens on her feet. “I’m fine. I had my good shoes on. Besides, it’s only like a minute away.”

“Alright.”

“Seriously, Jess. I’m fine,” she snapped after a moment.

“Okay. I get it,” he said instantly. “You’re fine. You’re not cold.”

Ella ran her hands through her hair. Her body shook as she yawned.

“You wanna go back to bed?” he asked.

“No,” she said with a heavy sigh.

“Are you sure?”

“Jesus, Jess! Stop trying to take care of me! Stop asking me questions! Just let me fucking sit here!” Ella exclaimed, huffing in frustration.

Jess recoiled slightly, and he nodded at her again. He ran a hand over his mouth and swallowed down the million other questions which were rising in his throat. The ones she’d refused to ask on the drive up, and the ones she apparently still wanted to avoid. “Sorry.”

She rolled her eyes, mostly at herself. “No, I’m...I’m sorry. I’m just tired. I couldn’t fall asleep.”

“We don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to. We could watch one of Lorelai’s cassettes in there,” Jess suggested, fighting hard to keep his tone light, bracing for whatever reaction she was going to have.

“I love that she still has cassettes,” Ella said wistfully, though not smiling. Her voice was low and raspy as she stared out ahead of her into the darkness and the lightly falling snow.

He nodded a little. “I know you do.”

Ella’s hands were itching to hold another cigarette, but she fought the urge. The pack which sat on the porch steps next to her would almost certainly be crumpled up and thrown in the trash the moment she reentered the house. Along with the lighter. But it was nice to have them there. If she wanted. They sat wordlessly, listening to the rustle of the wind in the evergreen trees. Jess didn’t make a sound. He was just far away enough not to touch her, almost in silent askance of whether she wanted space. She did. And she didn’t want to talk. She didn’t want to talk almost as much as she didn’t want to write the eulogy. She wanted to be able to push down the sorrow and the rage until they just dissolved and she was as happy as she had been just a day earlier. Yesterday, she may have even been hopeful. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt hopeful about her family. But, now, she had to stop herself from reaching for a cigarette yet again. And she felt herself wanting a drink. A drink stronger than champagne at a book launch. And then the words started flowing before she could overthink them, before she could lock them away in her heart forever.

She swallowed thickly, looking down into her lap at her nail-bitten hands. “This is just like it was the last time.”

“Oh yeah?” he whispered, shifting a bit closer to her.

“Yeah,” she echoed, so quiet he almost couldn’t hear. She sniffed. “I mean, last time my dad was the devastated one instead of Fiona. But Adam still got pissed at Noah, and Noah only got more pissed because Adam was mad at him.”

Noah had only made it to town an hour before Ella left to go back to the Gilmore residence for the night, but he and Adam were at each other’s throats pretty much as soon as they saw each other. Upset that his Christmas vacation was being disrupted, Noah had insisted on staying at a motel instead of at the little blue house in which they had grown up. Adam wasn’t happy about it, accusing Noah of acting as though he was too good for them. In turn, Noah asked Adam why he wasn’t mad at Ella for staying with Lorelai. Adam had shot back immediately, saying Noah had abandoned the entire family the minute he could, while Ella stayed behind. At that point, Ella knew there was no way to diffuse the situation. She’d only offered to walk back with Noah to the motel, leaving Adam to sleep in his old room. Luckily, Fiona’s sister was already in town for the holiday. So, it didn’t wholly fall to any of the three of them to console her.

Jess and Luke had both offered to go over to the house with her after helping with the arrangements, but she’d insisted on meeting her brothers there alone. The surreality of the moment didn’t dawn on her until she saw Adam’s teary eyes and Noah’s flushed face. It was like she had stepped into the past. She’d come back to the Gilmore house to find Jess sitting in the living room, halfway through the Russian novel he’d brought with. In the face of his questions, she’d only given him the liner notes and then fallen mostly silent for the rest of the evening.

“And Lorelai and Luke won’t let me brush my teeth without asking me if I need anything,” Ella continued, with a scoff in her words. “And, I love them. I do. And I’m so fucking grateful that it hurts. But, I’m fine. I’m totally fucking fine.”

“So I’ve heard,” he quipped.

“You’re hilarious.”

“I’ve heard that, too,” he said.

She laughed breathily, lifting her head to look up at the sky. “Shut up.”

“Will do.”

Then, after a moment: “I just wish...I wish it wasn’t like this. I mean, he was a shitty dad. But he was still my dad.”

He watched as she chose her words, carefully. Her voice had more emotion than he’d heard all day. Bringing his arm around her shoulders, he hoped to lessen the trembling of her hands just a little. She leaned into him, letting herself feel his warmth but fighting the wateriness in her voice. Of all the things she didn’t want to do, crying was at the top of the list.

“And now...I don’t have parents. I don’t even have a dad who hates me and never calls,” she continued.

“He didn’t hate you,” Jess interjected.

She shook her head. “Yeah, he did, Jess. He fucking hated me. Because I looked like my mom and I didn’t like Fiona and I wouldn’t quit talking back at the dinner table. But it doesn’t bother me. I hated him most of the time, too.”

He hummed in response, listening.

Her face crumpled for only a moment. But, again, she regained her composure. A couple silent tears threatened to slip over. “But at least I had someone to hate, y’know? Now, it’s just...no one.”

She took in a shaky breath, and Jess began to rub circles over her back. He recognized that her shivering was no longer due to the cold but from the sobs she wouldn’t let loose. Ella’s stomach did a flip, as she clenched her hands into fists. But she just couldn’t hold it in any longer. She let a single wimper pass her lips. And then, the levee broke. She put her head in her hands and finally began to weep, cries from deep within her escaping at last.

“I just...I don’t have p-parents anymore,” she spoke through sobs, trying to get her voice under control but failing miserably. “I’m not anyone’s daughter anymore. I don’t belong to anyone anymore.”

Jess shut his eyes for a moment, feeling a crack in his heart as he heard her anguish. But a part of him was relieved she was finally letting it out. He knew not all of her tears were for her father, but for her mother as well. He’d never seen her cry so hard before, so hard she couldn’t catch her breath and she was beginning to feel sick to her stomach. She stopped being able to talk after a while, only crying, folding in on herself.

“I...I don’t...belong to anyone anymore,” she repeated.

Gnawing on his bottom lip again, Jess smoothed an affectionate hand over her hair. He pressed a kiss to the crown of her head. Though he couldn’t see her face, Ella felt her cheeks heat up at his seeing her sob so openly. Jess spoke in a clear, strong tone.

“Listen, Eleanor, I know it feels like you’re alone without them, but that’s not true, okay?” he said.

She let out a tearful scoff.

“Hey, hey, hey, I’m serious,” Jess continued, placing a hand on her damp cheek and turning her face gently so she would look at him.

She wanted to avoid his eyes, embarrassed, but simply couldn’t bring herself to look anywhere else. The sight of him almost made her physically relax.

An earnest crease stood out between his eyebrows when he spoke again. “You belong to me, and I belong to you. That’s how it’s always been, hasn’t it?”

She stared at him for a moment, stunned at his words, as tears kept rolling steadily down her cheeks. But then, her lip began to quiver and she closed her eyes. Jess was worried she was about to get angry again. But instead, she slumped weakly against him. He could feel her tears begin to wet the neckline of his t-shirt as she rested her head on his chest. Breathing out long and slow, Jess wrapped his arms around her. He didn’t know whether his words had helped, but he was doubtful. No amount of talking was going to make her feel any better. He couldn’t crack a joke or start a playful argument or do a magic trick. He could only be there. He simply sat and held her against the wind.

#gilmore girls #gilmore girls au #gilmore girls fanfiction #gilmore girls oc #jess mariano #jess mariano x oc #jess mariano oc fanfiction #jess mariano au #jess mariano x original character #oc fanfiction #luke danes #lorelai gilmore

[smolbeandrabbles]

Control - Ralph Anderson x Shifter!Reader 2 (The Outsider)

Sequel to Halfway Home

@mandy23b​ @wltz-bby​ @happyskywhale​ #mendotagsquad

Author’s Note: This song, this damn song, oh my god. I confess I hadn’t listened to any Halsey at all (besides a couple of collabs with other artists I like) until I was music swapping with @mandy23b​...  But I honestly don’t think I’ve loved an album this much lyrically in a very long time! Anyway, a second part was always in the works. This song for sure inspired the finish of it.

Thank you @mendelskrull​ and @crawlingmist​ I really REALLY hope the sequel was worth the wait 🙈🙈🙈🙈

Control - Halsey

Disclaimer: gif not mine / lyrics not mine / The Outsider & all associated characters not my property!

I wrote this before I read ‘If It Bleeds’ but I see the immediate eerie similarities in my Shifter species. I think I might cover it off in the finale...

Premise: After a particularly erratic encounter with Ralph Anderson, you wait on your fate... can you trust the Detective to make the right choice? Can he trust you, at all?

Words: 5737

Warnings: Swearing  

⚠ Major Angst/Hurt Caution Warning (Again) ⚠

_____

They send me away to find them a fortune A chest filled with diamonds and gold The house was awake, the shadows and monsters The hallways, they echoed and groaned

I sat alone, in bed till the morning I'm crying, "They're coming for me" And I tried to hold these secrets inside me My mind's like a deadly disease

I paced around for hours on empty I jumped at the slightest of sounds And I couldn't stand the person inside me I turned all the mirrors around

I'm bigger than my body I'm colder than this home I'm meaner than my demons I'm bigger than these bones

And all the kids cried out, "Please stop, you're scaring me" I can't help this awful energy God damn right, you should be scared of me Who is in control?

---

Your first visitor the following morning surprised you. You thought Ralph might just have blanket banned the entire city from seeing you, but apparently some just wanted to break the rules. DA Kenneth Hayes stood hesitantly in the doorway watching you, clutching papers close to his chest – and you were inquisitive enough to wonder if he was about to serve you, or, you were going to be dragged into a questioning room. You sat yourself straight against the wall and folded your arms; “What will it be Hayes?” He jumped, and for a moment you thought you’d get a good laugh out of the papers scattering – no such luck though. “Detective Anderson has already appeared to have considered the full 48 hours. I just hoped as the DA you’d be able to shed a little light on the subject.” He was staring at you like he couldn’t believe you were talking, like an animal had suddenly found a human voice. You weren’t in the mood; “Look if you can’t tell me anything-” “Ralph told us to stay away from you.” “Then why are you here?” You realised how exasperated you sounded, but you hardly cared. “Are you… are you really…?” It was obvious that Hayes couldn’t bear to even voice it. “Yes. I am what he says I am. No, I didn’t have a hand in anything that happened here…” You tilted your head, “I don’t see why it has much consequence to you. They didn’t even tell you.” “But I know now.” You sighed; “Hayes just put me out of my misery, what’s the big plan!? I know I’m behind bars but I’m not an animal in a zoo.” Your eyes flashed, and it caused him to step back, truth was you were no longer trying to hide it, and they could all blame Ralph for that. “Least you could do is stop gawking at me like I’m about to spring into some kind of murderous, child-killing rampage, or change form.” He swallowed, “Ralph has it all planned out and I trust him.” “You know he put a gun to my head yesterday, right?” “I’m aware.” “Sounds like intent to me.” You scoffed, “I suppose to you I wouldn’t come under the remit of human rights, huh?” The way your eyes were burning an odd iridescent silver, and emitting light the way they were, made Hayes even more uneasy than just the thought of you really being a Shapeshifter, and he backed away – heart racing, “Good day, Y/N.” You shook your head after him with a roll of your eyes – Humans had always been so typical. Part of you wished for the days of old, when your kind was fascinating, mystifying and worshiped – and you could all coexist. Before humans, as they did, got ideas beyond their station. Now you were still revered, but not for being so unusual – for the thought alone that you could threaten their existence.  People like Kenneth Hayes would brush this off as a bad dream and would never allow it to be mentioned or lingered on again, even if it was witnessed. Ralph would never forget – and it would scar him deep; that was without the added heartbreak of you. You were the final nail in the coffin for your beloved detective. You were sitting against the bars with your eyes closed the next time someone joined you. And you were immediately suspicious by the level of calm they issued – for one, you weren’t even in the mood to have visitors now. Ralph hadn’t come by, and by now you were thinking of refusing an apology if he even offered one. “Go away.” You groaned softly, “I don’t need you all staring at me like I’m some form of entertainment.” There was a tap against the bars and you cracked your eye open, greeted by a disposable coffee cup; “I’d rather make sure you were okay.” You took the cup from Detective Sablo, “Why? You were in Tennessee too. Your best friend know you’re doing this?” Yune sighed as he crossed the room to sit on the bench opposite your cell; “He’s not my best friend.” “Yeah he is…” You took a sip, and hummed in gratitude; he’d remembered your coffee order. Yune smiled gently; “I’m not afraid of you.” “You should be. He is.” “He loves you.” “Loved. I think you’ll find.” And you’d not forget that soon enough, your heart still greeted you with a sharp pain in remembrance. “Ralph’ll come around.” You indicated to the cell that you were stuck in, and it made him grimace, “Okay, I know. It’ll be a long time…” He ran his hands through his hair, “But I believe in the two of you – Look, Y/N, I want all of us to get out of this… I’ll talk to him; we’ll get you out of here. I promise.” “I’m not sure he wants to see me.” You took a few gulps of coffee, “At least not alive.” “Ralph’s not like that, you know he’s not like that.” You finished the cup and placed it outside of the cell for him to collect. “Yune, answer me one question.” He nodded, ready for it, and you breathed, “Who killed the Shifter in Tennessee?” “…I think it was a joint effort.” “Answer the question.” “I wasn’t there-” “Yune!” He had to realise that skipping around it was just as bad as what you knew the answer was. He swallowed hard, and couldn’t meet your eyes, “Ralph did.” You gave him a pointed look; which made his statement all but useless, “RALPH did.” ***  Surprisingly Ralph Anderson did make his way down to you. You thought he might leave it the full two days and deal with you when he had to let you go, or when Hayes had figured out something that would lead to you spending a lot of time in prison. Maybe they’d even work out a way to pin the death penalty on you. You wondered if it’d work – but you weren’t sure you wanted to be the test subject. Or maybe he’d found a lab somewhere that was going to take you in – despite the fact that he’d spent the later part of his threats yesterday telling you that he’d rather no one knew you existed. You were back to lying on your bed and studying yourself with a depth of self-hatred – that this was something you’d chosen for yourself. That if Ralph Anderson came face to face with the real you, he probably wouldn’t have hesitated with pulling that trigger. That the blood flowing through your veins looked like the ink Ralph would make notes with in every interview he’d ever conducted, otherworldly, ethereal… dark and cold – rather than the rich red that could be associated with such emotions as anger, love and passion. The kind of emotions that were easy to feed on – your preference was love. Love was strong, and it only got stronger, and even when it wasn’t some kind of all raging passion when two people were all over each other, it was still there. And if you could surround yourself with couples (particularly those that had been in love a long time) you were at your happiest; and also your strongest. You supposed your Cherokee City counterpart had the same edge, but for fear, anger and total chaos. You could eat like a human, but you could sustain yourself on emotion alone. If he’d chosen a better path, he would have been able to as well – but he had to cause the pain he fed on. Which is why he had to move so frequently. After all, you couldn’t keep those close that you made angry or fearful of you – let alone if they died. But if someone loved you, if someone really loved you, you could live the rest of your life on them alone. You’d spent the best four years of your life living on his. But that was not the emotion that overtook Ralph Anderson’s body as he entered the room. It never would be again. You turned your head to him, and were met with that icy steel blue; calmer than last night, which you were glad of – you didn’t want to have to face that erratic anger again. But it hurt you; because your heart stirred just to see his face, and you had to push all of that back once more. He kept track of your every movement, but said nothing. When Ralph was satisfied, he opened the door; “Out.” You raised yourself, “What, they didn’t give you the full 48?” His eyes narrowed slightly; “I said out.” You stood and he unlatched the handcuffs from his belt “Hands front.” You raised an eyebrow in questioning but did as he asked. This was even more painful for Ralph – half of him felt terrible for going so out of control yesterday; half of him knew he was face to face with a monster, a woman who had lied to him for four years and broken his heart. He wasn’t about to apologise – and didn’t think you were either. He still kept his eyes on you as he picked up the bag, hating the fact that you were wearing one of his favourite shirts – he should never have given you that. But Ralph didn’t want any of your things in the house. He pulled himself upright to full height – you took half a step back, still not sure of exactly what he would do to you. You didn’t think Ralph knew himself. “Lets go.” He pulled you out of the cell and down the corridor – Ralph wasn’t about to tell you where of course, and it left you wondering if you were about to be met by a lawyer and a judge, and the same kind of water tight evidence that Terry Maitland had been. You supposed to the humans here your race deserved nothing less. And perhaps they were right. Humanity had never scared you; even when it had driven your race to hiding – you’d grown up around them, and you’d blended well. But humans had become the kind of scary stories told to children that ‘monsters’ were to them. Ralph’s reaction was simply proving every one of those stories true. When he pulled you back to the elevators you wondered if this was about to be Terry and the courthouse part II. Crowds of hundreds wanting a glimpse of a terrifying creature, and a few well aimed shots… “Stop it.” He growled, although he refused to look at you – talking to him was only going to make it worse, but upon flicking your eyes to the elevator doors you realised that all the thoughts in your head were causing your eyes to burn silver again. You blinked a couple of times and they returned to their ‘natural’ colour. Ralph gripped you tighter as he pushed you in, and as you found yourself in the parking lot, you were surprised to see there wasn’t a soul in sight. That only made you turn to him; “Where are we going?” He ignored you, pulling him along to his car and opening the back door – your stare was defiant and this time you demanded it, “WHERE are we going!?” “Get. In. The. Car.” Ralph’s voice shook with every syllable and you knew he was dangerously close to losing it with you again. He also probably didn’t like that you weren’t about to just let him order you around here, you’d always had a little bit of push about you – it was an aspect of your personality he really liked, especially when you were snarking someone he didn’t. Right now, Ralph didn’t need or want it – he just wanted you to get in the car so that he could do what he must. You only conceded because you weren’t sure you wanted that stalemate to end with getting shot – a little too aware of the pistol on his utility belt. He slammed the door on you and took a deep breath; it wouldn’t take much – he’d done it before. If he could keep a clear head, he could do it again – Ralph could finish this easily. All he had to do was get through this. *** You realised very quickly that you were heading for the city limits and sat up, twisting around in your seat. No court case? No going back home? You knew where the jail was and he certainly wasn’t heading that way. What was he doing? You bit your lip, knowing it couldn’t be good. Wondering if Ralph was numb to it all, or was simply that good at controlling his emotional output. It scared you that you weren’t sure of the answer. And suddenly you wished you didn’t know the answer to the question you’d asked Yune; one tear leaked and you rubbed your cheek on your shoulder to hide it, heck, now you wished you’d never asked that question in the first place. When Ralph finally stopped the car you weren’t sure ‘middle of nowhere’ covered it. You weren’t even sure what you were supposed to feel – and he’d been off-roading for so long he might well have been lost. Maybe Ralph Anderson wanted to get lost. It occurred to you that he might not want to be found out here; maybe he’d take that pistol and kill you before turning it on himself. Ralph didn’t seem like the type, but you felt perhaps now you’d seen him at his worst (what else would you call the previous evening), maybe he was… maybe he could do something that devastating. He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel for a long time before he decisively shut the engine off – gathering his radio, cell phone, and gun, Ralph hopped from the car and pocketed all items before opening the back and dragging you out. Ralph marched you a little way from the vehicle and stood you roughly in the grassland before growling at you to stay still, and walking back towards the car. He stopped, maybe 10 paces from you and turned back. You blinked, but no emotions crossed your face. That only made him angrier, but Ralph wasn’t sure what he wanted to see out of you – blind rage and anger that would prove to him you really were the monster underneath your guise? Tears streaming down your face and begging him for mercy – as you rightly should be, after everything that had gone down in the past few months, after what you’d done to him for years. Maybe even controlled acceptance of your situation, that it had to end this way and you were alright with that. But there was nothing; not even that shiver inducing silver in your eyes. The silence eschewed and you found yourself looking around, fields and farmland to one side rolling for miles into hills, and a forest in the distance on the other – too far to think that even with your decent sprinting you could get into cover before he put a bullet in your body. Maybe if you weren’t human, but you weren’t about to give Ralph Anderson the satisfaction of seeing your true form. You looked back to him and took a step; “Look, whatever you’re gonna do… Will you just do it already.” The pistol was drawn immediately; “NOT another step.” “You’re really gonna use it this time-!?” You couldn’t help your cold laugh; “I swear to God Ralph Anderson, if you have it in you, it better be a good fucking shot.” If he wasn’t about to keep the venom out of his voice then neither would you. Ralph just shook his head. Paying more attention to his gun than you, he checked everything was in working order; “How could you do this-!? Do you not even think about what you’re doing to the person you’re with-!? How utterly selfish it is to play someone like that?” You flinched, pulling back a few paces – the metal of your restraints cutting into your wrists. What right did he have to ask you something like that? “Look at me, Ralph Anderson.” He didn’t. And this time you weren’t sure if you were crying from anger or because it was hurting you so much and you were just letting it; “RALPH! LOOK AT ME!” You yelled it, “Look me in the eye and tell me that even without the Frankie Peterson case, if I’d have told you what I was then you wouldn’t have reacted in exactly the same way-!” He raised his blue eyes to you, and he didn’t have to answer, the guilt was already there. “Tell me the second I said shapeshifter you wouldn’t have thought me insane – that the second I’d have shifted into someone else to show you, you wouldn’t have cast me out as a freak and wanted to use your damn pistol on me anyway.” “You could have HELPED the case!” “It’s NOT the case-! Stop pretending it’s the case! If you knew what I really was Ralph, you’d run 1000 fucking miles and not look back and you know it. The case!?” You looked around you again and now he could clearly see the tears running, “The case has put me in a field in handcuffs waiting for the man I love to kill me.” “NO. Don’t!” He held his hand up, “Don’t tell me you love me. You gave up that right.” “Then for Godsake Ralph,” you presented your body to him, “Just get it over with because I can’t take this.” your eyes narrowed, flickering again, “But don’t you dare presume to tell me that I can’t love you.” That was decisive enough and he swept his pistol up to aim for your head; yet Ralph knew he was thinking too much. He just wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was – wasn’t killing you just as bad as murdering someone? Sure, he’d killed one of you in Tennessee – but you weren’t an evil murdering entity (as far as he knew). You were you. And what Ralph would have to accept was that even if you were a monster, he couldn’t end your life without killing a part of himself. You watched all of this cross his face, even though his look maintained the utter hatred and disgust for what you really were, and you were soon yelling at him again; “Oh, why don’t you just aim for my heart—!!!!” He gritted his teeth; “Because that won’t work!” Hadn’t your counterpart taken a shot gun and a knife to the chest before he’d crushed its head with a rock? How many bullets would you take? Could he count on it being a one and done? You gave a shrug, wondering if there was just enough love in Ralph left for you to somehow talk him out of it, “For him maybe-! For me who knows-!” You focused acutely on his body, you knew that DNA so well by now; you could feel Ralph Anderson coursing through your veins even when he wasn’t a part of you. His breath was small, but still significant – the safety gave a click, and you realised this was the time to be anything that you could be but scared. Even if your fear was driving you to this. You didn’t really want to die, after all. You hadn’t come all this way in so many lifetimes for a Cherokee City detective to end your life in the middle of nowhere. “If shooting me is so easy for you, do it Ralph. But I should show you what you’ll do to yourself-!” Ralph would have asked you what the hell you meant. Ralph would have asked a million questions that he never got the chance too; because real fear finally flickered across his face, and his body became rooted to the spot, eyes wide. One second he’d been staring at you, defiant even in the face of your own death by his hand – until your eyes illuminated once more; but instead of it just stopping there, your whole body seemed to shimmer out of focus and pixelate. It clearly didn’t take you months to shapeshift into someone else – because now Ralph Anderson was standing face to face with himself. And if it wasn’t for the fact that your eyes were still a gentle silver colour (always the last thing to accurately render), it would have been just like looking in a mirror. Instead Ralph got chills; he’d seen a lot, he would admit to that much, but he’d never seen anything as unnerving as this. He had no choice than to immediately look away from you, hand over his mouth, for fear of throwing up over all this once again. Your eyes narrowed and you tipped your head to follow his movement – he better not think he was getting away with that. Unfortunately, your straining on the cuffs still didn’t cause them to break, and you could already feel the likelihood of leaving Ralph’s DNA in the middle of the field as pretty high, considering how raw your wrists now looked. “Look at me.” Oh, that was much worse. The shudder that coursed through Ralph’s body must have been visible – his voice coming from you; well him, but- It wasn’t him. He shook his head continuously. This was too much. This was way too much and Ralph was suddenly aware of how in over his head he was. He should have brought back-up. He should have listened to his friends. Ralph Anderson suddenly realised just how alone he was out here; and finally comprehended just what was in front of him. “LOOK AT ME!” This time you screamed it, repeatedly, admitting to yourself that there was a certain power that came with being in someone else’s body whilst also facing said person. And it’d never felt so good as this moment. Eventually Ralph Anderson did – but you could feel him when you were like this – and if anything, he was only looking at you because he wanted it to stop. He straightened; the pistol was still very much in play but lowered and hesitant, still you didn’t trust him not to take out your knee at the way he was holding it, and that finger was still hovering on the trigger. “What is wrong with you?” You continued, wondering if he might even listen to himself, “I can tell you what I think is wrong with you, Ralph Anderson, and you can hate me for it all you want – but I think it’s about time someone told you the truth.” You took a step and the pistol raised a little higher; “You have survivors guilt for whatever the hell happened in Tennessee, you feel guilty about everything that happened to Terry; from the way you arrested him to the way he died, guilt that you’ve left the Maitland family in the state it’s in and two girls without a father, guilt for the Peterson family because they’re all gone now – not forgetting the fact you shot Ollie. You think you’ve got off lightly with therapy sessions. For the record, I think he’s a God awful therapist and I get the feeling you don’t hold him in regard much higher than I.” You took a breath, “You feel guilty about everything that happened on this case, and every other fucking person that suffered at the hands of that shapeshifter and everything it ever touched.” You pointed to yourself… or… himself. “But I am NOT it, Ralph!! I didn’t do ANY of that. And you’re still here! You’re still alive and you’re still breathing! And you have friends and people who LOVE you!!!” You shook your head, suddenly a picture-perfect image of the man who’d been on the other side of your cell yesterday; “Face yourself—!! Face the person YOU are-!! How hard can it be!?” You couldn’t place your fingers exactly on the look on has face, it was such a distinct form of fear. No-one in the world should have to face themselves in such a way as this; and you could see it, Ralph Anderson was terrified of you. And you acknowledged that with a twisted smile; “Yeah. You’re damn right! You should be scared of me.” But it wasn’t just you, was it, that’s what you were getting at; “Scared of ME and yourself – at the man you can become!”

By this time Ralph was shaking, his hands were trembling and all he needed was one shot. Perhaps that was the point – was that what you were saying? By ending you, he might finally have peace? Or were you saying that’s what he thought he could have and it wouldn’t be that way? That he should face everything he’d done… that he thought he might have done, even when he hadn’t, and feel better. You didn’t want to die, but if he was going to do it the only thing you wanted right now was Ralph Anderson to be free from everything that haunted him. Even when you’re pointing a gun at my head I still fucking love you… But the shakes became sobs, and even Ralph knew he couldn’t hold that gun steady enough to take a clean shot. His vision blurred as tears ran; “God dammit-!” The pistol left his hands, settling in the grass – and Ralph’s hands went back to his face, trying to wipe those tears away as if you hadn’t been staring at him long enough to see them. Knowing it was over, you shimmered back to yourself, and although you wanted nothing more than to run over to him and hold him close to reassure him – the situation still had you standing calmly in the spot that he had placed you – waiting for Ralph to free you himself. Your detective crossed the grass to you, tears still staining his face, and again you found yourself wanted nothing more than to reach out and hold him close. You weren’t sure you’d like the result of that one – he had pointed a gun to your head and been seconds from pulling the trigger. Twice. In two days. Even though his hands were still trembling as he pulled yours towards him, he managed to unlock the cuffs with ease. “R-Ralph-” “Go. GO-!” He wiped his eyes again, nudging you away from him; resolve completely done. And you had a terrible feeling that Ralph Anderson was more broken than he’d ever been before. You shook your head, closing the gap again and trying to get him to look at you; “You don’t mean that…” You whispered gently, glad that he didn’t put away when you placed your hand delicately on his arm, “…You don’t.” “I do.” If there was ever a time to let him know that no matter your race you were still you, it was now. Maybe he expected the monster to run for its life. The woman who loved him would stay. “Tell me, Ralph Anderson. Tell me you want me to go. Right now. Say those words. That full sentence.” He was still determined not to let his eyes meet your face; “I want… I want….” But his body was still shaking; and his lip quivered. Ralph didn’t finish his sentence before he was sobbing again. “You can ask me to stay. Ralph. We can go back. I know this is going to take time, maybe a lot of time… but we ca-” “No. We can’t.” He shook his head, “I won’t.” Your face fell as he held out his car keys, “Take it. Take the car and go - I don’t care where, anywhere - just not Cherokee City. Not back to me.” “Ralph…” Your disbelief was more than evident, after all, you hadn’t done anything wrong and yet realised you were the one begging for his forgiveness now; “…Why? What about you?!” “Yune can pick me up. Look TAKE them!” He closed your hands around the keys and stepped away from you again, “Leave-! I’m letting you go, God dammit just GO!” “NO!” You shook your head again, “Why won’t you let us fix this? We can make this work! You know we can!” “BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU ANYMORE!” You were forced into a stunned silence, and your eyes couldn’t help but burn again. If you expected anything from him, it wasn’t that.  You opened your mouth, but suddenly found it hard to form words. “I DON’T EVER WANT TO EVEN SEE YOU AGAIN-!!! BUT I CAN’T EVEN KILL YOU – I LOVED YOU TOO MUCH TO KILL YOU, AND WHAT DOES THAT MAKE ME!?” Ralph ran his hands through his hair, and suddenly that strange crazy energy he’d given off the evening before was back – but a hell of a lot more erratic. “R…Ra…Ralph.” You weren’t sure it was something you could reason with; and he snapped, just to prove you right; “GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE! FUCKING GO!” His advance on you made you stagger back, and this time the fear that ran across your face was something he’d never seen before. It unnerved him but he couldn’t stop now; “LEAVE! NO ONE IN CHEROKEE CITY WANTS YOU AROUND ANYWAY!” That was just a little too much, there was a knife already through your heart, he didn’t have to twist it. You were staring at a man you’d loved for four years, and you didn’t recognise him at all. ‘Oh my god, who… who is this man?’ The pain was unbearable, and you didn’t want to cry – you couldn’t show him he was upsetting you; but Ralph Anderson probably already knew exactly what he was doing. You shook your head, continuing to walk backwards towards the car – staring at him hard, even if you couldn’t hate him you could still let him know how angry you were. And you’d show him your anger before you let him upset you. ‘Human beings, all the same… I should just have listened…’ Throughout history when weren’t you told to never get involved with one? Lifespan was the least of the worries at the top of any other shapeshifters list; but you’d always been fascinated – and their biggest advocates. They were afraid and they had to drive you to this point, that always made sense – but they were fragile, and emotional, and they could love in ways so unconditional that you’d never seen another species replicate. Yet here you were, and the one you’d wanted to spend the rest of his life with was doing this. And Ralph Anderson was one of the good ones. “You have it wrong, Ralph Anderson. So fucking wrong. You think you don’t know me... but really, it’s me that doesn’t know YOU.”  You didn’t turn as you kept backing towards his car, “How can you – YOU – prove my race so fucking right!?” You opened the door, still glaring at him, you wanted to say it, you wanted to tell him that you couldn’t believe you’d ever loved him. But you couldn’t. You couldn’t even bring yourself to pretend you felt that. Because even now when he was breaking your heart – you’d never loved a person as much as you had him. And you knew you didn’t know where you’d go from here – but you knew you’d carry that feeling with you for the rest of your life. There would never be another Ralph Anderson. You stopped looking at him, slamming the door shut, belting yourself in and starting the engine, throwing it into gear. You paused with a deep breath and allowed yourself one last glance at him. Standing there in the middle of a field alone watching you leave. Take a good hard look, Y/N, because you will never see this man again… You peeled your eyes away with an exhale, and closed them, counting to 10 before you pushed your foot to the pedal and the car began moving. But now you were stuck with eerie silence, and the echoes of his voice in your head – the remnants of his DNA in your veins. You knew Ralph would never let you go, but right now you couldn’t handle that. And suddenly realising how alone in the world you were, you had to pull over to the side. Tears were running before you’d even slowed to a stop, you buried your face in your arms against the steering wheel and all you could do was let out huge, shaking sobs. God damn you, Ralph Anderson… Why?! *** 9 Months Later…

You’d watched him for a little while, sitting in that little corner coffee shop. You would call him new in town; only you’d seen him a few times whilst running around. He drew you in in a similar way to the detective whose face you wore a little more often than you’d care to admit. Ralph’s body made you feel safe when you were alone, especially at night – he was familiar, his voice was familiar. Comfortable. Yet, with Ralph you could torture yourself for everything you’d ever done – and you were no longer content with looking at your own form. This man was gone because of you. Still, there was something about the one you were watching that you couldn’t quite put your fingers on… You tapped your stirrer against the top of your cup and bit your lip gently – never a fan of making the same mistake twice. But you knew that aura well, and he wasn’t human. Which was why you were sitting here and you looked like you again. Even though you couldn’t let him go; it was still Ralph’s shirt you were wearing, it was still his car you were driving, it was still him that you cried over every night. That didn’t mean that the man now turning from the counter with his coffee didn’t intrigue you enough to try it; had you found one just like you? His eyes met yours, and that silver flashed. And this time you couldn’t help but smile, using exactly the same tell on him. He wasn’t expecting it, and immediately froze, despite the tiny smile making its way to his lips.

And for the first time since you’d left Ralph Anderson in a middle of nowhere field, you didn’t feel quite so alone…

---

I really appreciate your support for this series 💕 Thank you for your readership! I’m sorry!

#Ralph Anderson #Ben Mendelsohn #Ralph Anderson x Reader #The Outsider #The outsider hbo #HBOs the Outsider #Ralph x Shifter!Reader #Shifter!Reader #Dia #Ever since reading If It Bleeds she certainly looks like Dia and not an AU!Harmony... #I mean I think this is probably worse than either of you were envisioning #UGHH! THIS SONG!! #SHE HAS SO MANY AMAZING SONGS FOR THE BOIS!!!! #IT'S SO CRAZY AND I LOVE IT! #158

[jawnjendes]

can’t see in the stormy weather | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

NOTE: this is NOT the new series. this is a one shot that takes place during the early stages of their relationship... you’ll find it in the Season 1 section of the masterlist :) 

goth gf playlist | masterlist

When Shawn asked me to make a playlist describing who I am, I almost threw myself back to California. I don't know what it is about people wanting to know things about me, but it's annoying. I detest it.

It's not like he made me a playlist full of sappy love songs. He just wanted to hear songs I identify with. That was borderline terrifying because Shawn is a musician. He lives and breathes music and analyzing lyrics and melodies. What's he going to think if he finds Halsey's "Without Me" or 5SOS's "Invisible?"

Oh yeah. I deeply project whatever bits of me I discover onto songs. Then I stick to those songs and keep them on repeat and I make sure no one knows about them because then people would know things about me. It's irrational and unrealistic but that's how my stupid brain works. Anyone who's ever known me needs to disappear! They can't have the luxury of knowing me and all my secrets! What the fuck would I do if Shawn and I broke up? I'd have to kill him, that's what.

"What, are you gonna kill me too if we stop being friends?" Stella asked. "Seriously, it's just a playlist. It doesn't have to be that deep."

"I told you what the prompt was, right?" I replied.

"Yeah. And that is because Shawn knows you don't verbally express yourself about… anything. So he gave you a different outlet."

Fuck, I thought I was the psychology major here.

Yes, it was easier to let Shawn in through ways where I didn't have to say things out loud and explicitly. I had to admit that. But he was still going to find out things I had yet to tell him. Important things apart from the anxiety and semi-regular therapy sessions.

"Why don't you just pick generic songs you like, and not the ones that reveal too much?" Stella suggested.

I scoffed. "I'm closed off, I'm not a liar."

"It's not lying. Everyone's favorite song means something. I was listening to Big Time Rush when I touched down on Toronto for the first time. Everytime I hear Boyfriend I think about how I successfully made it out of my parents' house."

As nice as that sentiment was, I couldn't bring myself to find ways around the prompt. I had to do what Shawn said: compile a bunch of songs that I feel represent who I am. Besides, making playlists is… really fucking fun.

~

It took an hour of adding, removing, and very specific placements, but I was happy about my playlist to the point where I was nervous. I sent the link to Shawn the next morning when I knew he was on the way to the gym. Figured he’d listen to it during his morning workout and get it overwith. But no.

No.

Basically, I’m a fool who forgets she’s dating a musician.

So here I was, thinking that Shawn would make of what he will about the songs I chose and we would never talk about it. Wow, was I fucking wrong. How did I not expect Shawn to want to know the why?

He was a little sneaky about it too. Shawn invited me over to his place after my classes, and why the fuck would I say no to that? Of course I went over, internally cursing myself for not shaving my legs the night before. He usually had the TV on and a steaming mug of chamomile ready for me whenever I came over no matter the circumstance. Today there was only tea, and a stupidly excited Shawn.

“We have music to listen to you today!” he said when he had me on his couch.

He knew I wouldn’t play dumb either. And because of the fact that I was looking at his stupid beautiful face, I couldn’t move away from this topic.

“Cool…” I said stiffly.

Jet Black Heart - Live

He pulled up the playlist, which I had titled with the black heart emoji, and hit shuffle. Completely going against the very intricate order I put each song in. He was surprised to hear an audience screaming at the first song, but he recognized the tune that came shortly after.

“Why’d you pick this one?” he asked, his arm going around the back of the couch, watching me with his stupid pretty eyes.

I chuckled. “It’s a goth joke! Everything about me is dark, even my heart!”

“And there’s a hurricane underneath it?” Shawn guessed. He really was going to pick apart the lyrics and apply them to me, huh? “Any reason why it’s the live version?”

The answer wasn’t anything too telling or cheesy. It was still hard to maintain eye contact as I explained. “Stella introduced me to this band. She dragged me to a 5SOS concert and now it’s our tradition to see them whenever they tour.”

“Is this your favorite song?”

“Live, yeah. It just reminds me of feeling so alive. Concerts are the only times I feel that way.”

Shawn grinned at the sentiment. He seemed happy with that answer and sang along to the rest of the song.

“And there’s your deep shit of the day,” I said when it ended.

“I want more.”

What I’m Made Of…

I felt a tiny pit in my stomach. I knew this song, and I knew that Shawn did not know this song. He was looking down at the album cover on his phone, thinking to himself. Then, he turned to me expectantly.

“So…?”

“Just enjoy the lyrics and the sick guitar solo.”

He was quiet for a minute. “Well, I do get your vibes from it. But you’re also reluctant to show me what you’re made of.”

I hesitated. “It’s uh, a battle song. I’ll fight someone for trying to forcibly take anything from me.”

“Like if somebody jumped you?”

“Physically, mentally, emotionally. Yeah.”

Again, silence. “You gonna fight me?”

I knew he was joking, and I cracked a grin. “Jury’s out.”

“Any reasoning behind this soundtrack?” He showed me the cover, and I internally tried not to panic.

I had plucked the song off the wrong album, and now Shawn knew I was a fan of a certain speedy blue creature.

So much for being cool and mysterious. I’m just a fucking nerd now.

“Nah, not at all,” I casually replied.

Honestly, I enjoyed this song. I love this song. Why else would it be on this playlist? But just this once, I wanted to skip to the next one.

And when the next one came, I wanted to skip again.

I Am… All of Me

“Do, do you kin a certain hedgehog?” Shawn asked, once again amused by the album cover.

“No…” I resisted rolling my eyes.

“This song definitely sounds like you. Tell me, am I dating a hedgehog?”

Suddenly, this felt less nerve wracking and more annoying. I sighed heavily.

“I thought you wanted to know more about me.”

He chuckled. “Hey, I’m trying. I’m interpreting all these songs in whatever way I can because you won’t explain them to me. Plus, this song is from a video game.”

“Did it occur to you that maybe I like the game this song came from? Maybe I casually like this whole franchise because-” I stopped myself upon seeing Shawn’s face light up, like he wanted me to go on.

But no, he made fun of me. This song is now void, and he will not get an answer.

“Because?” he coaxed.

“Because nothing.” I grabbed his phone out of his hand and skipped to the next song.

Without Me

“Oh, who hurt you?”

“You already know that story. Next!”

Wilson (Expensive Mistakes)

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color.

Shawn looked at me for a moment, still trying to analyze the fuck out of my song choice. “I gotta say, I was expecting more goth music. You listen to a lot of mainstream artists.”

“There’s no rule saying I can’t. Mainstream artists are popular for a reason.”

“Touche. So why this song?”

“It’s what people think I am. Grumpy, bitter, always in black.”

"But that's not all you are." Shawn held his hand out to me, and I took it. He looked down at my chipped polish, running his fingers over my nails. "I mean, you are grumpy. Bitter? No, I'd say realistic. Always in black? Yeah, and you look beautiful all the time because you feel good in it."

That last part struck me. At least I didn't look odd to him. He didn't fall for the tough exterior I've built for myself. That little fact was both touching and terrifying.

"I know there's more to you than the way you dress yourself. It's why I like you so much." He grinned.

Cry With a Smile

"There's the goth metal you were looking for!" I exclaimed.

"Mm, your sense of belonging, as you put it. I know all about this already."

And he skipped to the next song.

A Little Too Much

Shawn perked up a little bit, a smile growing on his face. Then he looked at me, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "Is that me?"

Now my cheeks burned. "Yeah. This song feels like a callout."

"Babe…" He was still smiling as he leaned in to cup my face and kiss my forehead.

"Yeah, can you believe? I get tired of being a hardass sometimes." I was only half joking.

Not a lot of people knew my deal with anxiety and depression, much less why they intensified over the last couple of years. The urge to tell Shawn everything was beginning to form in my throat but I kept pushing it down. He looked too happy, and I didn't want to bring that down.

"You don't have to be a hardass around me," he said sweetly. "Actually, please don't be a hardass around me, okay? Everyone has their limits."

Then, he skipped to the next song, because he was sick of his own voice.

Fist Bump

Shawn looked at me once again, a grin on his face. Here we go again.

“I’m noticing a trend here.”

“I like this franchise, okay?”

“Okay, kinnie.”

I rolled my eyes and sat back, scrolling on my phone to diffuse the frustration. What was the point if he was just going to make fun of me?

“Hey.” Shawn gently placed his hand over my phone, getting me to put it down. “I’m only kidding. You can laugh.”

My eyes narrowed.

“I’m serious! Look, maybe if you just tell me what these songs mean to you, I’ll understand better. Just give me a chance.”

His eyes didn’t show any bit of deceit… But that’s how they all are. And everytime, I’m always a fool. So I sighed and tried not to cringe at my own words.

“It’s lame… and stupid… and really stupid. But all those silly little video game songs? They…” I exhaled, and chipped at my nails. “You know I deal with… anxiety and everlasting sadness…”

“You mean depression?” Shawn corrected.

“Yeah, whatever,” I went on. “The world is full of some real shit, and, and the songs and the games…” I made a face and looked down. “They’re comforting.”

It was silent for a minute before a hand went and cupped my chin. I was met with Shawn’s eyes and glowing smile. But then he opened his mouth and the most baby baby voice came out.

“Does Sonic make yew feew bettew?”

I smacked his hand away. “I swear to-”

But I didn’t finish that statement because he tackled me in a hug.

“Kidding, kidding! I’m sorry, baby, that was the last one, I promise!” He kissed the side of my head before leaning back to look at me. “I think it’s really cute you like this series.”

“It’s not cute, it’s self care,” I mumbled.

Head Above Water

“Finally, a song I know!” Shawn exclaimed, and he dove into singing along.

I forgot I put that one on the playlist. I meant to take it off. It only made me more nervous that Shawn already knew this song. He was one step closer to unlocking the big one.

He sounded beautiful as he sang, lost in the melancholy melody. I watched him, trying not to give anything away through my face alone. It was getting harder to keep it together, just from the little things I had already told Shawn.

And so came the inevitable expectant look. “So? Depression? Religion?”

Part of me wanted to let him think that. Depression is common, it’s easier to explain than the real reason. Besides, it’s not a lie. I do have my dark days, and even darker periods. But depression isn’t the reason for this song.

“Nope,” I replied.

“You know, Avril Lavigne wrote this when she was really sick.”

Dammit, he does know what this song is about.

I sighed heavily. “How do I put this in a way that doesn’t sound scary or pathetic?”

“You’re sick,” Shawn guessed with a chuckle. But the look on my face changed the mood, and he went serious. “How bad are we talking?”

“I get sick… every so often,” I explained. “It’s nothing scary, it’s just… chronic IBS. I can manage it, I just have to be careful with what I eat.”

He nodded as he listened. “So it’s not that bad, but it’s enough for you to have a whole song about being sick?”

I hesitated. “There’s another song, actually.”

“Two?” Shawn shifted in his seat. “So that must mean it’s a bigger deal to you than you’re making it out to be.”

And he thinks he doesn’t know me well enough.

I didn’t like talking about my health problems, unless it was with my doctor. I didn’t talk about how annoying all this shit was outside my therapist’s office. Anytime I felt frustrated about food, I talked myself down because it could literally be worse. Why would I whine about something so mundane?

“You know you don’t have to tone it down for me,” Shawn added when I stayed quiet for too long. “And, if it helps… now I understand why you read restaurant menus so carefully.”

“Like I said, I have to be careful.” My voice went thick for a moment, so I coughed. “I eat the wrong thing, and I end up sleeping in the bathroom til the wrong thing is out.”

“So it’s frustrating to deal with this all the time?”

“Yeah… and I spent two and a half years not knowing what was wrong with me, two and a half years going to the doctor more times than a young adult should for their age… two and a half years thinking I might die…”

Shawn’s eyes widened. “Years?”

“We went to a doctor in Mexico, and he finally diagnosed me with IBS,” I explained. “But that was after the words ‘lymphoma’ and ‘tumor’ were thrown into the mix. It’s not really something you forget. Oh, and I hate vomiting. I hate it so much that I can’t be in the same room as someone who might be queasy. So that’s annoying.”

“Wow…”

I suddenly felt a little self conscious. “I know it’s stu-”

“If you say stupid one more time,” Shawn cut me off. “This is the least stupid thing you could be talking about right now.”

“My anxiety links back to food, too. Think that’s important to mention.”

“Is that why you always want to go back to your dorm after a dinner date?”

Oof, so he noticed. I stayed quiet, so Shawn continued.

“I can take care-”

“No,” I said immediately. The last thing I needed was my boyfriend seeing me have a meltdown because I ate something spicy. The last thing I needed was for anyone to see me have an anxiety attack after vomiting. “It’s not your job.”

Shawn reached over to cup my cheek. Only then did I realize I had been tearing up, and he was wiping it away.

I turned my head away, dabbing at my eyes with my sweater sleeves. I didn’t want to look pathetic and I failed.

“I have to ask,” he said after a moment, “have you gotten sick at all since we started dating?”

“It is a chronic illness that I have.”

“And you just… you just took care of yourself? While you were sleeping in the bathroom?”

“Like I’ve always done since I left home.”

“Impressive. I always call my mom when I feel sick, and she comes over every time.”

I was honestly surprised. I was expecting him to be upset because I never called him in my time of need. And that alone, made more tears well up in my eyes.

“Hey,” he said, scooting closer to me. “It’s okay. You probably went through a lot before you got diagnosed. It’s frustrating, I can see it weighing on your shoulders. Just tell me if there’s anything I can do for you.”

I could feel him looming over me, waiting for me to fall back in his arms. The song had long since ended, and it wasn’t about the playlist anymore. Shawn was just waiting for me to do something. I couldn’t bear to look at him, because his kindness and understanding would make me break even more. He really was too kind, far more than I expected.

Even when I said nothing, and he took out his phone. I thought he got bored, but his next prompt made me look up at him.

“Okay, so that barbeque restaurant we went to the other night, we had spicy buffalo wings for an appetizer, so we won’t have those again. Any other food that might make you sick?”

I stared for a moment before I caught another tear with my sleeve. “Um… can we skip that whole restaurant? Barbeque and my stomach don’t mix.”

Shawn typed, and the only sound in the room was his clicking keyboard. “Got it. No more barbeque. Any other place or food to avoid?”

“It’s a long list…”

“That’s why I’m writing it down.”

_______

goth gf taglist: @normalcyisoverrated-beyou @ilsolee @mendesromano @kitykatnumber @strangerliaa @iloveshawnieboi @someoneunimportantxx @goldenmndes @ruinhoney @calyumthomas @shawnsunflower @shawnvvmendes @parkeraul @havethetimeeofyourlifee @chillingbythesea @wronglanemendes @softmendesss 

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fanfic #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes smut #shawn x oc #shawn x goth gf #damn look at dis shit #xmas came a little late lmao #im a lil soft for shawn rn so yea

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Dancing lessons

Hi!! I'm sorry, this one took forever, I had a Dengue Virus outbreak to deal with for the last three weeks and I even had the damn thing myself, not funny, wouldn't recommend it, it felt like shit and I had to skip work two days, thankfully no mortal victims, at least not on my watch, but the town is still recovering, anyway work is crazy and that's why I haven't update anything, I'm really sorry

Summary: Barry is finally cast in a feature, the problem? He said he could dance and now he can either disappoint Sally or found a way to learn some steps.

Part 1 ● Part 2 ● Part 3 ● Part 4 ● Part 5 ● Part 6 ● Part 7 ● Part 8 ● Epilogue

Warnings: Swearing, blood, violence, guns, cheating maybe.

Part 4

The lights on your studio were still on when you entered, and the dry blood on the floor made a horrible sight that almost made you faint again, thankfully a strong arm was holding you since you get out of the car, and he was looking at the floor too.

"I can clean that if you want" He said helping you sit down on a chair. "I'm not sure if you should climb your stairs yet"

"Thanks, that would be great. I would say leave it but I have class early tomorrow and is not a nice view for a bunch of 4 year olds" you said thinking about the wooden floor and how much damage the blood would cause, and Barry walk inside the storage closet looking for a mop.

"Then I will leave it there, you are insane if you think you are going to give any class tomorrow" He came back with the cleaning supplies and gave you a judging look, lacking any authority since he was holding a bottle of detergent in on hand and a bucket in the other.

"Fine mom, I'll cancel" you held your hands high in surrender "Actually I can use a day off, I have this terrible student in the afternoon, he is a pain in the ass" You said and he rolled his eyes at you while rolling up his sleeves and starting to clean the floor.

An hour later the floor was spotless, he had an odd talent cleaning up blood, and made a funny shocked face when you pointed it out, the clock announce it was merely 8:00 pm and you had to remain awake until 6:00 am at least.

"I feel well enough to go upstairs, you can leave now" you told him hoping he would listen since his presence made you feel uneasy at times.

"No way, the doctor gave me a list of things to check up every couple hours, and if I leave you would fall asleep, but let's go get you upstairs, you will be more comfortable on your couch" He said approaching with the clear intention of carrying you on his arms.

"I can walk, that won't be necessary" You said quickly, ignoring the idea of how wonderful would it be to be held in those arms.

Maybe that was the reason you had end up screaming in the first place, an elaborate defense mechanism your brain set up in motion to ignore the growing feelings you had every time he enter the studio, every time you held his hand and forced down your waist while you were dancing, and the longing in your skin asking for more.

Of course there was handsome men in your class every now and then, grooms, fathers of the bride, actors, etc. and you had always conduct yourself professionally regardless the clear intentions some of them may have. And you have always respected your marriage with Alan even in the worst of times. But Barry was different, there was just something about the way he looked at you that make you want to scream and run away because it terrifies you how easily you could fall for him.

"Are you feeling nauseous?" He asked once you were sitting on the couch, and you nodded no "Tired? Clouded vision? Having incoherent thoughts?" He continued reading the list the doctor gave him.

"I believe I'm a big green marshmallow queen of the north pole, but that's normal right?" You say dead serious and he hide a grin behind the white sheet of paper.

"Very funny, we should call the doctor and share the joke with her" he said seriously.

"Fine, I'm sorry. I have a minor pain in my head, but I can see and hear perfectly clear, I remember everything that had happened clearly and I don't feel like vomiting" you said and he put the list away satisfied with your answers. "I'm sorry I'm being an imposition to you, I'm sure you had plans" You continued and he opened his mouth to reply he was staying once again so you keep talking before he did "And since you are staying here at least let me fix you something to eat, is late and I don't think you have eaten". You stood up and he followed you to the kitchen.

"You really don't have to, I can make a sandwich if you tell me where things are, or we could order something, I don't think you should be near sharp objects" He plead alarmed when you took out a large knife from a drawer.

"Fine, but I'm paying, and once again I can assure you this is nothing I have had worst" you said putting down the cutting board and opening the fridge to offer him a beer "once I broke my leg in 3 pieces" you said confidently showing him a long thin scar on the side of your leg and suddenly feeling exposed since you haven't change from your dancing clothes, and you didn't feel the same confidence wearing them outside the studio.

"I've been shoot, a lot" he said lifting part of his shirt showing you a couple scars, not helping the situation in your mind.

"Ok war hero, you win, can you please order the food, I am going to change, feel yourself at home" You said patting his hand urging him to cover and hurrying to your room away from him.

***

Y/N took forever to come out and when she finally did she was wearing a comfortable pajama, and was drying her hair with a towel.

"You took a shower?" Barry asked upset "You could have fallen"

"But thankfully I didn't, I have to I was covered in blood and I need to find a way to cover this" She pointed at the place the doctor have shaved her hair and she tried to hide it with a lock of hair.

"I'm sure the parents would understand you had an accident" he said confused by her despair.

"Yeah, they will mostly, but Alan would make a big deal out of it and I'm sure he will use it as an excuse to keep pushing me into selling the studio" She said letting her hair alone and crawling onto the couch.

"Why would he do that?" He asked trying to be interested and ignoring the pinch of jealousy he felt once again when she mentioned his name "I mean you do charge a lot but you have many clients"

"Is not about the business, he just thinks I should sale the studio to Macy since she knows how to run it, and move with him to Dallas or Colorado or whenever his company wants him, that way he would be home every night to see our children" She said exasperated at the idea.

"Children?" He asked a bit shocked since she never had mentioned any children before.

"The hypothetical children we will have in case I actually leave this place behind" She said with a sad look on her face.

"So you don't want to have children?" He asked now genuinely interested. "I mean it's okay if you don't" he said quickly.

"Honestly?" She asked and he nodded "I really don't know, I mean when I was 22 and dancing in Moscow I have this crazy fantasy that I would retire in glory from ballet at 32 and meet a wonderful man and have a girl and she would be a great dancer by the age of 4." She had a sad smile on her face as if she could see herself in the moment she was describing.

"Moscow? As in Russia?" He asked.

"Yep, I was about to become a Prima Ballerina, then I broke my leg and every money I had went to surgery and recovery and suddenly I was no longer fitting to play Odette, or any major role and eventually like three years after I have to come back, I worked in Broadway for a while, that's when I met Alan"

"Sounds romantic" he said sarcastically making her laugh

"It was, at least at first, but then I had another lesion in my ankle so I was no longer able to work there either, and he was nice and sweet and he was with me, so we got married and end up here, five years later dealing with moms that feel their children would be next Maria Kowroski"

Barry's phone start ringing and he went downstairs to pick up the food, when he came back she was holding a big photo album in her lap.

"I haven't seen one of those in forever" He said entering the apartment holding the bag with Chinese food. "I thought everyone had digital albums these days"

"They do, but you can't do this to digital pictures" She said showing him burned hole in one of the photos. "Kids these days, what would they burn when they break up with a boyfriend? Anyway I'm starving" she pointed to the kitchen so they could eat.

They share an animated meal talking about how life and technology was passing by them, maybe a little lost resentful than usually since they both have the same opinions on the matter.

"Did you told him?" He asked after a while, he was leaning back in his chair looking at her finishing some noodles. "About not wanting kids I mean"

"Of course I did, since we were dating,but he had this idea that he would make me change my mind, and I was sure I would make him change his. Now we have civil dinners when he is home and pretend we are not angry at the way this marriage turned out, just waiting for one of us to give up and accept the other terms" She said and her bluntness took him by surprise again.

"I'm sorry" he said with a sad frown on his face "Earlier when I said this was your dream job and that your situation is perfect, I have no idea and I'm sorry"

"Don't be, I shouldn't have to try and prove you wrong forcing myself to do the Odile's Coda, since I'm clearly not in shape to do it" She smile at him and pointed the injury in her head.

"Well that only make it worse, why would you need to prove anything to me? I'm really sorry"

"Relax, you already making up for it being here, and is only 10:00 pm, do you want to play a board game? I would say we watch a movie but I would fall asleep quicker that way" She said and he agreed.

They played scrabble, bringing out some dark competitive instincts on both of them, only interrupted when Barry took a couple trips to the bathroom to call Sally who was not upset at all that he had canceled their dinner since she had this amazing party to go to.

By 3:00 am and feeling extremely tired and looking at her about to give up he call the hospital, the doctor kindly told him she was clear to sleep, news he took gratefully, but before he could tell her she was already curled in the couch, he sit next to her and let her rest her head on his chest, maybe when they woke up he could feel guilt and remorse about it, maybe he would have to stay away from her since he was obviously interested in her but at that moment he was very comfortable and lost in the smell of her hair to care about anything else.

@meraki--mei

#barry block #barry x reader #barry hbo #barry berkman edit #barry fanfiction #barry berkman #barry berkman imagine #barry berkman fanfiction #barry berkman x you #barry berkman x reader #Bill Hader #tango #ballet

[sanfl0werrr]

Back to 2003 ▪︎part 1

“there's more than what the eye can see, the heart can love, and the brain can understand.” ― Louise Philippe Dulay

p r e s e n t

시작은 달콤하게, 평범하게 나에게 끌려

at the start, you were sweetly, naturally attracted to me

언제나 그랬듯이 먼저 말을 걸어와

you stepped up to me and told me it would forever be like that

모든 가능성, 열어둬 oh

all the possibilities, opened up oh

it was at that moment, when Mirotic starting playing in the restaurant, the memories of being 17 came rushing back to you like a flood.

you recalled the times when you stayed up late to record DBSK's performances and shows they appeared on, the times you got scolded by your parents for skipping school and the times you made memories with your friends who were also a Cassiopeia.

it was the most memorable moments during your youth because you loved endlessly and vigorously despite the judgement from others. some supported the love, others not so. regardless, DBSK was once the sole receiver of your affection and that had somehow changed along the way.

2020 had just started, and a couple just announced they were getting married at a class reunion after 17 years.

"this song was everywhere, wasn't it? i'm guessing the fan in you has toned down, y/n?" danoh asked, full of curiosity.

you gasped in shock, "how could you even think that?"

your best friend, sooyoung, rolled her eyes, "don't even start. remember the news regarding them splitting around 2010-2011? you should have seen her then. an utter mess."

"how could you say that?" you nudged her and squinted your eyes, feeling betrayed, "you liked them too! that's how we became friends."

"and i wish i hadn't introduce myself to you that way," sooyoung fake cry, "the love and dedication you had for them were continuously increasing over the years, i couldn't keep up!"

the others who were there had laughed and immediately after that, aera spoke up, "honestly, i thought you would be single for life. who knew you'd marry before sooyoung?"

you scratched the back of your neck and laughed awkwardly, "i thought so too."

"another amazing thing was that y/n married one of our classmates too!" danoh squinted her eyes, deep in thought while counting with her fingers, "you know, that famous clique? lee jeno, huang renjun, lee donghyuck and na jaemin?"

"they were undeniably popular! even the juniors and seniors cried at the wedding," aera laughed, recalling the memory.

all of a sudden, sooyoung, danoh and aera placed their face on their hands, expectations were evident on their expressions.

you looked at them in confusion, "w-what?"

"tell us how you did it," danoh fluttered her eyes, "how did you managed to get him, the guy everyone wanted to be with, to love you?"

"it's like you getting married to DBSK! that was how we felt when we heard the news!" aera dramatically explains.

"even i want to hear it for a second time," sooyoung added on, "it was chaos."

you paused for a moment.

"i don't know if we should be happy, getting compared to DBSK," everyone turned towards the voice that was suddenly heard.

everyone gasped.

"glad all of you could make it! and of course you should be happy. it's an honour to be compared to DBSK, renjun," you rolled your eyes.

he rolled his eyes as a response, "hello to you too, mrs hero y/n."

your eyes sparkled in glee, "it's been so long since someone called me by that nickname."

"i wouldn't be so happy if i were you," jeno chuckled, "just think of the bad coincidences that happened right after someone says that nickname."

"it's a sign that you and kim jaejoong were never meant to be, y/n," donghyuck added, laughing while shaking his head.

your lips quiver, tears forming in your eyes, "why do you all keep mentioning that? don't jinx it!"

"there, there. it's alright," jaemin stood behind your and patted your head, "you got to admit, she's toned down a lot."

you rolled your eyes.

"i mean, it's because she's currently loving two men at the same time right?" sooyoung explains.

"hey!" you smacked her, "you make me sound like i'm committing adultery."

"well, aren't you?" jeno squinted her eyes.

donghyuck claps his hand and exclaims, "all of you should see the shrine of jaejoong she made. until now, i can't get used to it."

"i don't know if she comes home to see jaejoong or her family, you know?" renjun shook his head.

jaemin nodded his head, agreeing with what renjun said, "thinking about the past makes me get goosebumps."

"well, what does your husband say about it, y/n? i'm really curious about it," aera turned to look at you in anticipation.

you gestured your hand towards your husband and sighed out loud, "why don't you just ask him yourself? and for your information, i had a hard time convincing him too!"

all four of them; renjun, jeno, donghyuck and jaemin; shouted in unison, "you deserved it!"

2 0 0 2

“kim y/n!” your mother shouted, “you better come out and eat your breakfast!”

you had your headphones in, listening to BoA’s album on repeat while trying to put on the eye contacts that you’ve previously begged your father to buy for you. it was the first day of school and you wanted a new look for a brand new year.

“what’s this girl doing?” your mother groaned to herself while making breakfast, “kim y/n! this girl-”

“kim y/n, if you’re not coming out this very instant, i will destroy that door and you will have no privacy!” your mother raised her voice.

"i’m out! i’m out!” you huffed in annoyance, “i can’t even get ready in peace.”

“guys, notice anything different?” you smiled widely and posed for them in different angles.

“how is it?” you fluttered your eyes at everyone, “am i pretty? am i pretty? how’s my new look, renjun-ah? jaemin-ah? jeno-yah? donghyuck-ah?”

all you could hear as a reply was their coughing and how they tried to avoid your eye contact. you squinted your eyes in annoyance and pouted at the silence or in this case, lack of response.

“minus lee donghyuck and lee jeno,” you huffed in annoyance, “why are the two of you always here?”

“free food,” renjun stated.

“i think it’s nice to eat breakfast with friends,” jaemin chuckled.

“all of us are neighbours. what’s wrong with two extra people?” your mother defended renjun and jaemin, “and you don’t even finish your food, y/n!”

“why do you always scold me when they’re around? and do you know how much food you make? you could even feed the whole neighbourhood!” you defended back, “forget it! i’m going to school!”

“y/n! don’t forget your lunch!” your mother shouted back.

you mentally cursed yourself for forgetting to bring lunch. you thought that you wouldn’t get hungry but even during the first day of school, it was already filled with lessons, lessons and more lessons.

the teacher said that it was the preparation of ‘major examinations’, which you rolled your eyes at. you wanted to at least enjoy the first year of school, which now seems like an impossible feat.

“hey,” someone tapped your back, “do you want to share this with me? i don’t think i can finish and you looked like you forgot your lunch.”

you widen your eyes in glee, “c-can i really?”

“yeah!” the girl nodded and laughed, “i’m naeun!”

“i’m y/n!” you introduced back, “thank you so much, naeun.”

even before you could take a bite of the food, the door to your classroom banged open, “y/n.”

the girls in your class screamed. 

you turned around and raised your brows, “jeno? why are you here?”

“the reason why i’m here,” he placed your lunch down on the table, “you forgot this.”

“okay, thanks, but why are the rest here too?” you pointed towards the door.

“we’re in the same class and just finished lunch,” he explained.

you tilted your head to the side, “wait, you mean to say you finished your lunch first, then you decided to bring mine? when it ends in 15 mins?”

“time’s ticking, young lady,” jeno winked and left.

“that crazy bastard,” you whispered to yourself.

you turned back to naeun with an apologetic expression, “i will bring you lunch tomorrow, okay?”

she nodded back, gleefully. “no worries about it, y/n!”

school after that became chaos. the girls in your class became envious of you for knowing lee jeno, lee donghyuck, huang renjun and na jaemin. not only that, you could sense the seniors kept keeping watch outside your class during lunchtime every now and then.

one day during lunch, you brought this up to naeun, “is it just me or does it feel really ominous today?”

“it does feel weird,” naeun looks around, “even the seniors aren’t here.”

“when you said it like that,” you made an uncomfortable expression, “it feels really scary.”

she laughed, “i’m sure it’s nothing!”

it felt like someone was following you when you were walking home that day after school. it was just your luck that you still didn’t have a phone, while the rest of your friends do.

you thought to yourself, please go away.

you were holding onto the straps of your bag as if your life depended on it, praying and hoping that you were going to reach home safe.

“y/n!” someone called out to you from afar.

you looked up and saw them; renjun, jeno, donghyuck and jaemin. you heaved a sigh of relief and ran up to them.

“woah, what happened?” jaemin peered into your face, “why are you sweating so much?”

you immediately cling onto jaemin and whispered, “i thought someone was following me. the whole day felt weird.”

jeno flicked your forehead, “don’t get home so late if you’re scared.”

“crazy bastard,” you glared at him, “i can fight! i will fight! let’s settle this once and for all.”

jeno laughed, as if mocking you, “with that height?”

“lee jeno, you’re freaking dead,” donghyuck laughed.

you cursed under your breath, pulled your jacket sleeve up and glared at jeno, “come here. why are you running? come back here!”

“there you go again,” renjun sighed, “stop fighting!”

“i think it’s hilarious,” jaemin put his hand over renjun’s shoulder, “let them play.”

“let’s go home,” jaemin finally put a stop to the endless fight, “let’s get ice cream!”

the moment ice cream was mentioned, all five stood in a line, with you in the middle. you, jeno and jaemin got mint chocolate while renjun and donghyuck got vanilla.

“confession time!” donghyuck suddenly started out.

“i like donghyuck and jaemin the best!” you joked and laughed out loud, “jeno and renjun are too mean for me.”

“you realise that nice guys always don’t get the girl, right?” renjun teased.

you rolled your eyes, “we’re friends, in case you’re wondering. let’s stay friends for as long as we live.”

at that moment, you had temporarily forgotten the bad ominous feeling you had been feeling in your gut., but you knew it wasn’t ending so soon.

#nct dream #nct #nct dream scenarios #nct scenarios #renjun #jeno #jaemin #donghyuck #haechan #huang renjun #lee jeno #na jaemin #lee donghyuck #lee haechan

[thepropertylovers]

A Definitive (And Totally Biased) Ranking of Every Song on 'Lover'

Have you listened to Taylor Swift’s new album yet? It’s already 2019 biggest selling record and we can see why. When T. Swift releases an album, it’s pretty much all you hear about for the next few months (and the few months beforehand, to be honest). So why don’t we count down the best songs on ‘Lover’?

Thomas is a huge Taylor Swift fan, and now that her new album ‘Lover’ has been out for over a week (and he’s listened to it approximately 113 times), he thought it would be fun to rank the songs in order from worst to best. You may agree with some of the choices and you may not, but we can probably all agree that the first half of the album is infinitely better than the second half, which is typically what you get with Swift.

Red may be her best album lyrically, but this album is probably her most fun. Even PJ (who isn’t a huge TS fan by any means) turned to me the other day and said he thinks this is his favorite album she’s ever put out, and is particularly loving ‘Afterglow’. On this album, she’s giving us HAIM, she’s giving us Lana Del Rey, she’s giving us Postal Service, she’s giving us country (?!). Are there too many songs on this album? Probably. Are some of them skippable? Most definitely. But when Taylor Swift blesses us with a new album every few years, it’s an event, and like any event, we need to make a big deal of it. So without further ado, here are the best and worst songs from ‘Lover’:

18. False God

Taylor doing R&B? I knew from the first listen of this song that it would be my least favorite on the album. I appreciate the lyrics, and she’s the sexiest she’s ever been, even more so than ‘Dress’, but it still feels off for her to be doing R&B. It’s not a bad song (does Taylor make bad songs?) but it’s not my favorite.

Best lyric: Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town, I’m New York City, I still do it for you, babe.

17. Daylight

This is a beautiful closer, and not a bad song in the least (the words are gorgeous), but this is no ‘New Year’s Day’ or ‘Clean’ for me. It took me a couple of listens to find the melody, but overall it’s a solid closing song that wraps up everything she’s feeling very nicely. I think I just prefer the songs on the first half of the album so much more that this song never really stood a chance for me.

Best lyric: I wanna be defined by the things that I love, not the things I hate, not the things I’m afraid of…I just think that you are what you love.

16. You Need To Calm Down

What could I say about this song that hasn’t already been said? It was supposed to be the LGBTQ+ anthem (maybe it still is?) of the summer, but I think it missed a few of the points of what it means to be an ally. Still, Swift is the only big, heterosexual superstar actively coming out and supporting LGBTQ+ rights in her songs, and the fact that she’s trying so hard to pass the Equality Act is amazing. Plus, it’s catchy as hell.

Best lyric: And I ain’t trying to mess with your self-expression but I’ve learned the lesson that stressing and obsessing about somebody else is no fun. And snakes and stones never broke my bones, so.

15. ME!

Where do we even begin with this song? As the first single from ‘Lover’, it was polarizing to a lot of people. PJ and I stayed up until midnight when it was released and we were in bed watching the music video on our laptop and just kept going what? what….? WHAT?! Over and over again with each verse and chorus, and then when the “Hey kids! Spelling is FUN!” line happened, we almost shut our computer down. Thankfully they removed that line from the album version and it instantly made the song better. I think at the end of the day this is a fun, positive, and uplifting song that I actually enjoy, it just surprised me that a person of Swift’s talents was the one who wrote it. But I guess not every song has to be at an ‘All Too Well’ level, and this song is so damn catchy, does it really matter that it’s mot as good as the others?

Best lyric: I know that I went psycho on the phone, I never leave well enough alone, and trouble’s gonna follow where I go.

14. Soon You’ll Get Better

This song, y’all. It’s so beautifully heartbreaking. It’s similar to ‘The Best Day’ in the fact that it’s about her mom, but it couldn’t be more different in tone and feel. The lyrics are so beautiful and honest and raw and real, and the addition of The Dixie Chicks in the background (who I’m pretty sure were put on this earth to harmonize melodies to perfection) absolutely complete the song for me.

Best lyric: And I hate to make this all about me, but then who am I supposed to talk to? What am I supposed to do, if there’s no you?

13. Death By A Thousand Cuts

I don’t know what it is about this song, but this is one that I always skip whenever it comes on, even though I technically don’t have a problem with it. I guess it’s just I would rather listen to the other songs more than this one, which is why it’s lower on the list. It’s not a bad song, though, and I sing along to it whenever it’s on, but it’s not one of my favorites.

Best lyric: I look through the windows of this love even though we boarded them up. 

12. It’s Nice To Have A Friend

This is probably the weirdest song on the album, but I absolutely love it. It gives me major Postal Service vibes, but it’s quirky and fun and playful. I love the innocence of it and the feel it evokes, even if I don’t entirely know what it’s about or what she’s trying to say/the point of the song is. But she is right, it is nice to have a friend. Mr. Rogers would be proud.

Best lyric: Lost my gloves, you give me one, wanna hang out? Yeah, sounds like fun.

11. The Archer

I really like this song, and the only reason it’s on the lower half of this list is because I love her fun, more up-beat songs on the album so much. But I love the words and the angle she’s coming from on this one. And I will casually find myself singing, “All the kinds horses and all the kings men, couldn’t put me together again.” over and over randomly throughout the day. Even when she doesn’t write the words, Swift has an ear for catchy rhymes.

Best lyric: Easy they come, easy they go, I jump from the train, I ride off alone, I never grew up, it’s getting so old.

10. I Forgot That You Existed

I think as an opener it’s a pretty solid song. The title is a little trite, but the words are clever and I like the point of view/outlook she’s coming from when she matter-of-factly states that she doesn’t love the person or hate them, she just doesn’t really think about them at all. Which, to me, is the definition of moving on and is a lot easier said than done, but is so worth it when you finally get to that state of mind.

Best lyric: I forgot that you existed. It isn’t love, it isn’t hate, it’s just indifference.

9. London Boy

Sure this song is silly and has a very questionable opening line, but it’s also one of the most fun on the album. Having never been to London before, I really got a sense of what it’s like by Swift listing all of the things she loves so much about her boyfriend’s hometown. Plus listening to her list everything she loves about Joe is adorable, even if she doesn’t do the best British accent. Bonus points for mentioning Tennessee AND for an intro by Idris Elba. Swoon.

Best lyric: But something happened, I heard him laughing, I saw the dimples first and then I heard the accent. They say home is where the heart is, but that’s not where mine is.

8. Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince

Taylor at her most Lana-like, almost even more so than ‘Wildest Dreams’. The melody and the beat and the lyrics and the way she enunciates (and the fact that it has the word Americana in it, which is LDR’s favorite topic to sing about) reminds me so much of Lana Del Rey that I almost wonder if this should have been a duet between the two queens. I like this song because it’s interesting and the metaphors are killer. The lyrics are creative, clever, and put to good use, too.

Best lyric: Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men?

7. Paper Rings

Another fun one! I told my sister that I kind of wish she would have put this type of song out about 10 years ago because it seems a little juvenile for a 30 year old to be singing, but it’s a cute love song that is almost impossible not to dance to. It also reminds me of one of my favorite movies of all time, Clueless. Can’t you just picture Cher riding around in her Jeep with her friends listening to this song and living her best life?

Best lyric: I like shiny things but I’d marry you with paper rings uh-huh, that’s right, darling, you’re the one I want.

6. Afterglow

This is a song that grew on me, mostly because this is PJ’s favorite song on the album and I somehow always end up loving whatever song PJ likes in the end. I love how she frames a very common topic in relationships, though: that your head can make up some messed up shit sometimes and you will say or do things you don’t mean in the moment because you’re so upset. But acknowledging that you’ve made a mistake, that it’s all your fault and they didn’t do anything wrong, is the best thing you can do to correct the situation. And it really shows Swift’s maturity as a person and as a songwriter to include a song like this on her album. Also, this is PJ’s favorite song on the album, so I feel like I should have included it a little higher on the list. Sorry, baby!

Best lyric: Fighting with a true love is boxing with no gloves.

5. Lover

The most atmospheric song on the album. I wanted to not like this song because it’s so heavy and schmalzy, but I really do love it. Y’all know I’m sappy lovey-dovey, and this song is one big love letter to love, which is what she said her album is all about, so naturally I’m placing it high on the list. Me and PJ listened to this song the other night while we were in bed talking and it was the perfect background song to just be with him.

Best lyric: Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close? Forever and ever.

4. I Think He Knows

This song is SO MUCH FUN. It’s cute and poppy and boppy and I love the confidence she’s giving us. This album has a lot of 80’s sounding songs, almost more so than ‘1989’, and this is one of the best examples of it. The part right before the last chorus when the music really picks up and she belts, “I think he knooooooows!” gives me major Mariah Carey vibes and I am so here for it. Chills, every time.

Best lyric: I got that uhh, I mean, want to see what’s under that attitude. I want you, bless my soul.

3. Cornelia Street

I always think she’s at her best when it’s just her penning the songs, and this is a prime example. It’s sweet and a little melancholy, but the lyrics are so strong and you can’t help but sing along to the chorus when she sings, “And I hope I never lose you, hope this never ends.” And to be honest, I didn’t want the song to end, either.

Best lyric: Years ago we were just inside, barefoot in the kitchen, sacred new beginnings that became my religion, listen.

 2. The Man

This. Song. Is. So. Good. She’s been extremely vocal the last few years about feminism, and this song wraps everything up in a big bow and delivers it with all of the Haim-inspired gusto it can muster. The beat and music is full on Haim, but the smart and sharp lyrics are all Swift. So many good points made and I love the Leo reference in Saint Tropez. Also, I didn’t know how to pronounce Saint Tropez until this song, so I really owe her a lot for this one.

Best lyrics: If I was out flashing my dollars I’d be a bitch, not a baller, they paint me out to be bad, so it’s okay that I’m mad.

1. Cruel Summer

For me, this song rivals Blank Space in how good of a song it is, which is a big claim to make, and the reason it comes in at number 1. The tempo, the picture it paints, how you feel when you listen to the song. The lyrics and the melody, it all just fits and makes me feel like I’m driving in a convertible with the top down, cruising down the California highway as the sun is setting. Not that I’ve ever done that, but that’s how powerful this song is! It paints such a vivid picture and is easily one of her best songs to date.

Best lyric: He looks up grinning like a devil!

There you have it! Have you listened to the whole thing yet? What are your favorite songs on the album?

[pheacas]

16, 17, and maybe 24 for DEH?

16. Best movie musical?

I don’t really know if I’m supposed to be referring to stage musical adaptations or not so I might as well just give one of both.

Once is my favorite overall, which started as a movie and then was transferred to the stage a few years later as a Tony crusher on Broadway. It’s a very calm, serene experience that always gets me. There’s never any real big story going on. It’s just a vacuum cleaner in Dublin attempting to make it as a musician and a Czech immigrant just trying to survive.

Little Shop of Horrors is my favorite movie adaptation (if we consider the original ending and not the theatre ending). That’s not say much, because LSOH is one of my favorite musicals already, but unlike something like Rent (which is a musical higher up on my list), I feel that the LSOH movie gets exactly what the show is going for. It’s weird, it’s quirky, and it’s wonderful. Plus, that puppet is wow.

17. Worst movie musical?

Here’s the thing I don’t watch a lot of movie musicals that I know I wouldn’t like, but I guess if I was forced to name one, it’d be Rent? That can be taken weirdly because yes, I listen to the cast album all the time on Spotify (because I’m forced to they don’t give us the OBC), and there’s certain things I do enjoy about the movie, but it sucks all of the charm from the musical and makes it feel much more corporate.

The spoken dialogue always feels unnatural and unnerving, they take away major plot points and songs for... No real reason (like I understand taking out Contact even though it’s pretty important, but I literally don’t understand taking away anything that gives Mark, Joanne, or Collins character and while still keeping in all of Over the Moon (and I love Santa Fe but like... That could’ve been taken out for more important songs too like Goodbye Love B and even Halloween because we still get more Collins development than Mark (and Halloween is literally only a minute and a half and they filmed it why not just shove it in))).

I mean again I’m such a Renthead if there’s nothing else Rent I’ll definitely take it but ugh I’d rather even watch Rent Live as much as I’ve made fun of it because at least the life is there and at least they didn’t take out important bits and they actually had some really good additions, especially in the Mark department (and I’ll take Jordan Fisher over Anthony Rapp tbh).

24. You’re now the script doctor for [Dear Evan Hansen]. what do you change?

Oh God there’s a lot I would change, but I really can’t say everything, so I’m going to focus on the ending of the Jared and Alana archs.

So, in one of the earlier concepts, Jared was the one who released the letter out of spite. I think that’s much better than Alana doing it randomly and destroying her character arch of caring for people as she sees Evan sobbing to take it down and people automatically attacking the Murphy family.

We set it up early on; Evan actually sends Jared the letter to show Jared what he’s talking about, but Jared never actually reads it, kind of just doing his usually routine of being a dick. Then I’m not going to get into many of my smaller changes but maybe even just a line or two before Evan walks into the scene right after Only Us with Jared and Alana talking about the emails, and Jared giving Alana doubt in it (because definitely what’s already going on, because the backdating emails thing is like? Exactly what Jared said?).

Good For You happens, and then after that, instead of the scene with Evan giving Alana the letter, Jared posts the letter to the internet because he feels that’s the only way he can get back at Evan after their falling out without straight up saying “Evan lied and here’s why”, because it’s the closest thing he can really get he feels before actually saying the truth.

So like yeah Evan is absolutely freaking out and desperately calling Jared because he knows Jared did it and he goes to Alana in a panic, and she’s so confused as well because it was released under Evan’s name, and Evan eventually reveals the whole truth to her, even bringing up Jared in it, and she’s disgusted. Like she just stares at him for a couple of moments, trying to process all of what Evan has said, and then she tries to walk out, but Evan rushes to grasp her wrist to get her to stay, which horrifies her even more and she rushes to pull out of it. Again, there’s another pause while Alana collects herself, and then she eventually decides to give him a little rant in how fucked up it was that he dragged her through all of this, and how rancid it is that he dragged the Murphys through this and used a lie on their dead son for his own benefit, and she forces him to go and speak to the Murphys.

I think at the epilogue, before we see Zoe, we get a scene with Jared, a bit more akin to the book (which is a horrid statement I’ll never reference the book again). It’s not at the orchard, and I’d say maybe quite a few months after? We’re skipping around wowsies but maybe to show the change they can be back in summer clothes and its the summer before college. It’s probably like... Evan’s graduation party and they’re just huddled in the back with awkward red solo cups in hand and the first thing that slips out of Evan’s mouth is a “fuck you” for releasing the letter, and Jared’s face is quick to drop, and this is the first time we really see him show real emotion other than Good For You. He admits he never read the letter before even posting it, and he just wanted to give Evan a little scare before it turned into... That, and he tells him that he regrets even posting it because if he knew what it had actually said, he would have never released it. When he actually read it, he admitted he felt sick, and he wondered if Evan had always felt that way whenever Jared was pushing him around and Evan admits that yes, those thoughts were there and they really hadn’t completely gone away. There’s a bit of awkward tension on both sides, and it ends with Jared again apologizing, saying he just didn’t know and if he did he wouldn’t have ever treated Evan like that. Evan loosely accepts the apology, but he asks why Jared treated him that way, and Jared doesn’t really have an answer. Eventually, after a couple more moments of staring into those sad cups and Jared admits he kinda had a thing for Evan and just never wanted to really... Tell him because he knew he’d be rejected and Evan is just like “oh” and doesn’t know how to process it. Again, more awkward pauses, and eventually it ends with Heidi calling for Evan, but before he leaves he again awkwardly glances to Jared and they both apologize to each other, hug, and Evan runs off, leaving Jared to just stand there awkwardly alone as he transitions with the little set away and the scene changes to the orchard.

#dear evan hansen #deh #jared kleinman #alana beck #evan hansen #sincerelymlb

[sometimes-i-write-4-you]

Siren valentine's (pt. 1)- Dean Winchester x reader

I was hoping to finish before valentine's, but i have my senior production (i'm majoring in theater) so i never got the chance. Here's part 1, i'll post the rest when i'll finish this fic.

Sitting alone at a coffee shop was one of the things you hated the most, especially on valentine's Day. Everyone were in couples, and you were sitting with your computer and headphones on, pretending to work. The couples around you made you uncomfortable with all their kissing and touching, so you focused on the sound of your favorite album. You heard a feminine voice wishing a happy valentine’s day, and turned up the volume. As the last song came to an end, you packed your things and left the coffee shop.

You arrived to the office you worked at. Being a secretary was not your dream job, but this company paid well and it was safe, safer then being an actor like you always wanted.

“... Ben’s Coffee shop is now a crime scene” the reporter said, and the name of the coffee shop you went to this morning caught your attention. “What the fuck?” You muttered to yourself, focusing on the tv. “The place is filled with bodies, all are bleeding from their ears. Another interesting fact about the bodies, all create a heart shape once you look at them from above” the reporter continued. You were completely shocked to see that, as you were there half an hour ago and everything was fine. You texted your roommate you're fine, since you knew she'd be worried sick if she saw this.

For the rest of the day you felt weird, you were so confused about what happened in Ben's Coffee Shop. Ben was such a nice guy, he didn't deserve to die, there is no sense to this situation - why would anyone kill the people there? Sure, they were annoyingly cléshe, but that's not a reason to commit mass murder.

-time skip-

You got home, finally. You started to cook some pasta. You blasted some music you liked. Your roommate worked late, so you had the entire flat to yourself. She hated “Kansas”, so you took advantage of the fact she wasn't there to listen to your favorite album, “Leftovers”".

“Carry on my wayward son, for there'll be peace when you are gone” you sang along. You emptied the pot through a strainer “Don't you cry no mooooore” you returned to singing. The knocks on the door were right on the beats, so you almost didn't notice them. Once you realized the knockings were not a part of the song, you ran to the door and looked through the mesh. Two guys in suites were standing there, looking seriously at the mesh, therefore at your eye. You opened the door, and they looked at you. “Hello, miss (l/n), I am agent Mike Brown, and this is my partner Nick Williams” one of them said, both pulling an FBI id card. He had apple-green eyes, dark blond-ish hair and some facial hair. He was handsome, definitely. The other guy was just as pretty, but in a different way. His hair was longer, and in a brown shade that went well with his blue eyes. You smiled at them. “Uh, hi. How can i help you?” you asked. “First of all, can wear come inside?” Nick asked. You nodded and moved, letting them in. They both sat on the couch. “Never thought i'd ask someone to turn off “Kansas”, but we have a couple of questions regarding this morning, so can you..” he asked, motioning pressing on a remote. “Oh, yes, sure” you said, and grabbed the remote from the desk. “Water?” You asked as you turned off the music. You felt your heart breaking over the missed opportunity. “Yes, thank you, miss (l/n)” Nick smiled. “How 'bout you, agent…” you paused, trying to remember, “Brown, right?”. He nodded, “yes on the name and the water”.

You took your ball of pasta and sat down. “So, why are you here, agents?” You asked. They both sigh. “This morning, you were at Ben's Coffee Shop, right?” The one you thought was Mike said, although his real name is dean. You nodded. “Well, miss-” “please, call me (y/n)” you cut him off. He looked over at his partner, Nick, or at least so you thought. He was actually looking at his brother, sam. “Ok then, (y/n). Everyone who were there are now dead, but you seem pretty alive to me. Care to explain?” He asked. His words caught you in the middle of taking a bite. You looked at him surprised, “are you saying i did it?!” You said, putting down the pasta bowl. “Well, you are alive and they're not, and i hate to say that, cause you have a great taste in music, but-” Mike replied, but Nick cut him off. “What my partner is trying to say, is that we want to know what happened when you were there. Can you please tell us?”. As he talked, Mike sipped his water to calm down. “Well, i was there, drinking my coffee and listening to music. It was full of those lovey-dovey couple, which was insanely annoying. Not kill-them annoying, just like- nevermind, anyway, i finished listening to my favourite album and then left. A normal visit to a coffee place on a valentine’s day” you said. Mike looked at you and sighed, “nothing else?” He asked, “anything, even if it seems irrelevant”. “Well, there was this lady, i think. She wished everyone a happy valentine's. Once she got on the stage, i raised the volume to max, so i don't know what happened next, it happened like… fifteen minutes before i left, i think” you said. Mike gave Nick a certain type of a look that made you feel like it was important. “Well, (y/n), thank you for your help. If you remember anything else, like what she looked like or anything…” Mike said, “give us a call”. He pulled a card from his pocket. “Okay” you said slowly, taking the card from him. Nick finished his cup of water as Mike spoke, and the handsome agents left your place. You closed the door behind them and as you were pressed play, letting the music distract you from the awful situation, but the suspicious look Mike gave his partner bothered you too much, so you did what anyone would do, and left your house. You catched up to them quickly enough, and got to hear their conversation.

“so, dean, do you think what i'm thinking?” Nick asked. Wait, Dean? His name was mike, he said so, and the card says so, right? You looked at the card. Henry? Who's Henry?

“That this girl was really hot?” the guy who apparently named Dean said. “Be serious, Dean” Nick said, although now you weren't so sure about whether it is his real name or not. “I am very serious, Sammy” Dean said. Oh, of course. They lied about their names. If they lied about that, what else did they lie about? God, what did you let inside your house. “Dean!” Sam insisted, and Dean sighed. “Yes, Sam. If you think it's a siren situation” Dean replied. “It makes sense, yes. I mean, this (y/n) girl is fone, cause she didn't hear the singing. It takes a siren about 15 minutes to infect people using only her voice, she left right on time. Everyone we're dying right behind here” Sam said. “what the fack?”. The words came out of your mouth louder than you expected. “Dean…” Sam muttered, and his head was pointing at you. A part of you wanted to hide, but the other part of you wanted answers. As you debated what to do next, the deep voice you thought belonged to a Mike Brown said “god dammit, (y/n)”.

Well, answers it is. “Heyyy” you said awkwardly, smiling at them and approaching, “so. Sam, Dean, care to explain what thE FUCK?” You said, your voice getting louder as you go. “Well, i see you heard our names. Great. Sam?” Dean said, looking at his partner. “Uh, yeah. We are Sam and Dean and we are..” Sam started, but you cut him off. “Not real FBI agents? Unless FBI stands for…. I don't know, fake-” you started. “we are not FBI” Dean said. “Jesus Christ, what have i let into my house? Regina is going to kill me-” “then don't tell her” Dean cut you off once again. “well, if you're not FBI, then who the fuck are you?” You ask. “We're hunters. We hunt. Monsters” Sam says. The look Dean gave him was a sort of death glare you've never seen before. “What?” You replied, staring at them with your eyes wide open. “Ya'know. Vampires, werewolves, ghosts, demons. That type of crap” Dean said. You felt so weird. What they said was crazy. Impossible. But they looked so calm, and there was no sign of them lying - no nose itches, no looking left. But on the other hand, they didn't look like they're lying to you a second ago, but that turned out to be lies. You looked straight into Dean's eyes. “Okay. I'm going to ask once again. Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing here?” The words came out of your mouth so smoothly, and the fear was barely heard through. He looked right into your eyes. “We are Sam and Dean Winchester, Brothers and hunters. We are here because of the freaky death this morning” he said. Sam looked back and forth at you and Dean. The eye contact was intense. You were mad, he was upset. “Fine” you sigh, “i believe you. You two may be good liers, but there is no reason you'd make this crazy shit up. So how can i help?”. Dean and Sam both look at you like your crazy. “You want to help us? Not run back to your place and drink every alcoholic beverage you can find?” Dean apoke first. You nodded, “i mean, if i'll say i'm not going to drink over this, it's a lie. But innocent people are dying, and my life as a secretary are too boring for me. If i have a shot at an adventure, i'm definitely taking it” you replied. “Well…” Sam started, and looked at Dean, “maybe there's something you can do”.

“Sam, are you crazy? She is not a hunter! She cant-” Dean started, but Sam cuts him off. “she’s gonna be with you, Dean” he sighed. “We can't put her life on the line like that, Sammy” Dean insisted, and this time it was your turn to say something. “Dean, i don't care. It's a good plan, and i trust you. I'll have ear plugs so i won't hear the siren and-” you started, but stopped once Dean gave you a strange look. “Fine” he said, “but we gotta train you a little bit first”. Before you had a chance to reply, he grabbed your wrist, and as an instinct you pulled your arm up, facing your palm like a mirror and with the free hand you twisted his wrist and kicked his crotch. You only realised you did that when a scream escaped Dean's mouth. “Oh my god, sorry. I'm so, so sorry. It's an instinct” you said, giving him a small smile, “i'll get you some ice, and-” you said, going to the kitchen. “-and you can, uh, put it where i hit you” you said awkwardly, giving him the bag of ice you had on your fridge. “You mean my fucking-” he started, but Sam cuts him off. “Well you don't seem to need self defence training. How are with guns?” He asked. You started at him. “Guns?”. “Yes, you know, we need to fight freaking monsters. You can't just kick their-” “Dean! A girl beat you, get over that and let's continue” Sam cuts him off once again. “Well, my dad always wanted me to go hunt with him. Not the same things you hunt, but i can use a gun. Kind of. I was never good at it. I aimed for the center, hit the right corner, aimed for the right corner hit the center” you shared, and Dean looked at you, still mad. “Well then, aim for the right corer, darling” he smiled. You rolled your eyes. “What? We've been dating for a few months and we are going to celebrate tonight”. “(Y/n), you never told me you have a boyfriend” your roommate said as she walked into the room.“It's cause i don't” you replied as she hugged you. “Then who are these two pretty boys?” She asked. “Belle, these are…” you paused. You weren't sure what are you supposed to tell her. “FBI, i'm agent Brown, he is agent Williams. Your friend here was just giving us the details of today's morning at the coffee shop known as Ben’s Coffee Shop” Dean said. “Then what is it about the two of you dating. And why do you have a bag of ice on your-” Belle wondered out loud. “It's a long story, Belle” you cut her off. “Well then, i leave you here and take some food to my room” she said. Once she closed the door behind her, you felt terrible. “I can't believe i'm hiding something from her. We've been best friends for years, i never hide things from her” you said quietly. “It’s for the best, love” Dean said with a cocky smile. “We are not on our fake date yet, Love” you returned, smiling. “Guys, keep the flirting for later, okay?” sam said. “I'm not-” you started, but Sam ignored you and kept talking. “So let's just go over the plan one more time. You two are going on a date where she'll perform. We just need to find out where is it and when” Sam summarized the plan. “And how are we gonna do that?” You asked. Sam sat next to your open computer and googled “Ben's coffee Shop”. He opened the facebook page and there it was. “This valentine's Day, Sierra Stone is coming to perform at 9:00-9:30 for every one who needs to go to work and can't have a nice dinner with their significant other” Sam read out loud the post, and then proceeded to google her name. “Tonight at Tony's. It's a bar not too far from here. (Y/n), you better get ready cause it's 30 minitus away and starts at 22:00 Sam said. “so will Dean pick me up at 21:15? We should take some time to set up or maybe like, there will be traffic and-” “yes” Dean cuts you off, “you have an hour, use it”. You nodded, “don't worry”.

#dean winchester x reader #dean winchester #supernatural x reader #supernatural

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10/04/2021 (Olivia Rodrigo, Demi Lovato)

Well, I guess it’s a pretty slow week – at least more than I had predicted – given that I thought Demi Lovato and Olivia Rodrigo would make a lot more of a genuine impact high up in the chart than they actually did. I can’t really predict the chart accurately at all in those conclusion segments considering I write and release these episodes even before first-day streaming numbers are released, but I at least expected Rodrigo to debut in the top 10. Alas, we have kind of an unexpected filler week, before Taylor Swift impacts the charts next week – I think that prediction’s enough of a safe bet to be right, right? Anyways, Lil Nas X’s “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)” stays at #1 for a second week that I didn’t see coming, and let’s just start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Now I talk about music that is purposefully out of my comfort zone on this series – the music is accessible, sure, because it’s charting music but not all of it is in genres and scenes or by artists I know a hell of a lot about or have listened to repeatedly. Hence, I don’t tend to talk about my own music taste often on here, because of two reasons: one being that I’m unsure it even exists and can be summed up in a sentence, and two being, well... according to Spotify’s “On Repeat” playlist, I’ve been listening to “Paralyzer” by Finger Eleven an obscene amount this past week – if you had to make a Cactus Chart, it would probably debut at #1 15 years after the fact. Now, ignoring the fact that I kind of do want to make that chart, which I probably can with last.fm, I’m sure that will quell any need to talk about my own deeply embarrassing musical habits on this page ever again. Now, moving from the Cactus Single Charts to the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, we can see that there’s been some minimal action on all fronts.

In terms of our drop-outs, we do have a couple notable ones, including both of Fredo’s songs as ACR cuts their streaming numbers and hence, rather unfairly and inaccurately, “Money Talks” with Dave and “Ready” featuring Summer Walker both exit the top 75. I guess they were on their way out eventually, and some ACR-affected songs have indeed survived this week, but it’s still annoying to see for songs that are contemporary and still popular. Otherwise, we have “Wants and Needs” by Drake featuring Lil Baby exiting, as well as some genuinely big hits from this Winter, those being “Good Days” by SZA, “Whoopty” by CJ – finally – and “you broke me first” by Tate McRae after 35 long weeks. Now the charts are no longer addicted to blue cheese, what’s filling in the gaps?

Well, we only have one returning entry, that being “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, a song that seemingly cannot stay dead, not that I’m complaining. What’s more interesting is what’s on the chart itself, as we do have some notable climbers and fallers. For the notable losses, we have “Good Without” by Mimi Webb at #23 off of the debut, “Patience” by KSI, YUNGBLUD and Polo G at #24, “Anyone” by Justin Bieber at #31, “6 for 6” by Central Cee at #37, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd still here at #38, HVME’s remix of Travis Scott’s “Goosebumps” at #39, “Head & Heart” by Joel Corry and MNEK finally dropping out of the top 40 at #41, “What’s Next” by Drake continuing to collapse at #49, taking “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” with Rick Ross at #51 along with it, “telepatía” by Kali Uchis at #56, “Mood” by 24kGoldn and iann dior at #62, “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix at #66, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi finally making way for an exit at #68, “Bringing it Back” by Digga D and AJ Tracey at #69, “Cloud 9” by Beach Bunny sadly at #70 off of the debut and finally, “You’re Mines Still” by Yung Bleu featuring Drake at #72.

What’s shocking to me is the little impact that both Demi Lovato and Lil Tjay had, showing that people might just not care about these artists past their singles. Sure, we got some tracks from both of them – that are already being pushed as singles – but on Lovato’s side, “What Other People Say” didn’t move an inch and we only got minimal gains for Lil Tjay’s “Headshot” and “Calling My Phone”, which I expected to go back into the top 40 and top 10 respectively. In terms of our actually notable climbers, well, we have “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers going for a fiftieth chart run at #67, “Beautiful Mistakes” by Maroon 5 featuring Megan Thee Stallion at #60, “Don’t You Worry About Me” by Bad Boy Chiller Crew surging up to #53, Tom Zanetti getting his first top 40 hit with the garbage “Didn’t Know” at #40, “Black Hole” by Griff at #33, Majestic’s remix of Boney M.’s “Rasputin” at #29, “Ferrari Horses” by D-Block Europe and RAYE at #22, and that’s about it other than our single notable change in the top 20, that being “Millions” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne up to #13 off of the debut, despite being an absolutely worthless song. In fact, it’s looking pretty dire in the top 20 in general, I’m starting to hope that my Cactus Charts actually had any impact. Regardless, we still have eight new arrivals to discuss, so let’s start right at the bottom.

NEW ARRIVALS

#73 – “Film out” – BTS

Produced by UTA and back number

Now, BTS occasionally releases songs for the Japanese market, a common practice for K-pop bands – as far as I know – and this one in particular was marketed only in Japan for a Japanese film. Therefore, I think I was pretty reasonable in thinking this wouldn’t even get close to charting, but I should never underestimate the power of BTS fans buying digital singles. After all, that’s what kept “Dynamite” on the chart for as long as it had its run. Now, I’m not well-versed in J-pop at all other than some brief dives into city pop and picopop – both of which I enjoyed thoroughly – so I didn’t really know what to expect but it does make perfect sense to me that the boys are crooning over a cleanly-produced, theatrical piano-lead instrumental. Given that there’s a post-chorus consisting almost entirely of “ooh-ooh, la-la-la-la” about 45 seconds in, I gave up entirely in terms of lyrical content, although reading some of RM’s translated lyrics in particular makes it seem oddly poetic. How does it sound? Well, exactly as I’d described it: the boys are reigning themselves into to a more subtle instrumental and whilst some of the multi-tracking is distracting and each of the parts don’t really flow as well as they wanted it to, especially due to the loud vocal mixing which definitely overshadows the impact of the wonderful string swells in the final chorus and gives you enough audio-wise to completely ignore the trap-adjacent percussion. The song’s fine and I do like the inflections of acoustic guitar especially, but I’m not really impressed by this, not that I was supposed to – it’s a Japanese soundtrack song, it’ll be gone tomorrow and I’m sure the audience there is enjoying it more than I can.

#64 – “Summer 91 (Looking Back)” – Noizu

Produced by Noizu

Now if you don’t know how Noizu is, I can’t blame you as neither did I. I quickly found out he was another house producer and this track that had been released in January had just gained enough steam to debut this week. The guy has been in EDM production for a while and was immediately cosigned by people like Skrillex and Diplo, and he seems to hide behind this cartoon character for branding and anonymity’s sake, which I can’t blame him for when I consider the public images of both Skrillex and Diplo. The song, originally just called “Summer 91”, was remixed for a major-label release on RCA, and it’s about what you’d expect. It’s a deep house track with a driving 90s MIDI piano melody, uncredited female vocals that can’t even get close to the power of those diva house vocals from decades before and a anti-climactic drop with some cheap percussion. The chorus actually sounds a lot like “Body” by Loud Luxury and brando from one or two years ago, so it’s not even that original in its main hook, though I can give it credit for the synth-work being more sci-fi and kind of interesting, and its song structure being increasingly disjointed, even moreso than the typical house-pop track that debuts low on these charts, which means a lot less when the song has so little tricks up its sleeve. And no, the 220 KID remix isn’t any good either, in fact, it’s a lot worse.

#63 – “Run it Up” – Lil Tjay featuring Offset and Moneybagg Yo

Produced by Josh Petruccio

I tried to listen to that Lil Tjay record and within five tracks decided it was absolutely not worth my time, so I’m glad we only have a single song from the album debuting, though I am surprised that it seems to be the borderline posse cut that runs for nearly four minutes and I’m immediately disappointed. I know how all three of these guys can flow and how fast and high-energy all of they can be, as well as how smooth Offset always is, so why is this beat such a dull, piano-lead sludge with gross bass mixing? Why is Lil Tjay wasting my time both content- and delivery-wise, flubbing rhymes to the point where he doesn’t even bother finishing the line, even when he cops Roddy Ricch’s “The Box” flow in the middle of his verse? Why is the chorus just “Run it up” repeated ad infinitum with no energy? Okay, so it’s not all bad – Offset impresses flow-wise as he always does, trying his hardest to inject some energy into this with his ad-libs and constantly changing flow, because at least he has a personality and some charisma, but even he stops trying by the end of his verse. Moneybagg Yo channels 2 Chainz but without anything that makes 2 Chainz a worthwhile presence for a verse that somehow ends up as the best, most consistent here, and, yeah, I now know me skipping the majority of this record was a good choice.

#59 – “Runaway” – AURORA

Produced by Odd Martin and Magnus Skylstad

I know nothing about AURORA, and I was pretty confident I wouldn’t need to past her John Lewis advert success and her part on the Frozen II soundtrack of all places, but alas, she’s charting again with no kind of visual phenomenon attached to it. AURORA is a Norwegian singer-songwriter on the same wavelength as Bjork and hence the eye of a lot of critical success that doesn’t necessarily translate always into album sales. She has seen intermittent success with singles so I assumed this had just been somewhat of a breakout single from her newest record... but no, it’s from her first album and the single was released all the way back in February of 2015. So, naturally, you’ve got to assume TikTok and you would be correct, but is the song good? Well, the vocal loop double-tracked to act as a synth melody and eventually a choir is kind of a cool idea, and AURORA herself has this frail, accented delivery that’s definitely endearing. The song itself is about escapism and running away from confronting your emotions and the writing is good, even if it tends to be a bit messy if more attention is placed onto it, particularly in the verses. That’s not to distract from the fact that this is absolutely a song from 2015 as if you couldn’t tell from the percussion you can tell from the future bass-esque that’s almost cringeworthy in its anti-climactic entrance and doesn’t even really work at all, especially when it just disappears prematurely. I get going for a glitch-pop thing but it just does not make sense in a ballad like this, in fact, I’m finding it hard to find a part that could be used in a TikTok. The second drop works a little better because AURORA has more conviction in her desperate vocal delivery that sounds legitimately great, but I still think there’s such little impact in the percussion that the blend of synths and strings becomes ultimately just a distraction from what could have been a decent piano ballad. It makes it more interesting, for sure, but also more frustrating. Much like Ryn Weaver’s “Pierre”, also a 2015 indie-pop track suddenly charting six years after the fact a couple weeks ago, there’s a good song hidden somewhere in shoddy and awkward production. I really wish I could have liked this more.

#50 – “Dancing with the Devil” – Demi Lovato

Produced by Mitch Allan

Okay, so our next two songs are both from Demi Lovato’s comeback album, Dancing with the Devil...the Art of Starting Over, an album that if anything I am glad exists as it is a catharsis for Demi Lovato that needed to be released as it discusses her overdose, rehab, last relationship and everything both leading up to those events and the aftermath of them. The album isn’t perfect but feels open, revealing and most importantly an honest release for Demi Lovato and I think that’s worthy of praise in itself. As a 19-track album, it is bloated but does have enough sonic experimentation in the pop sphere for it not to grow stale, and I think there are great songs in there – it’s a good album – but you can already tell it’ll be dated soon enough, not that that’s really a problem now in 2021, but might hurt future revisits, especially with some of the production that already sounds awkward. Thankfully, we get two pretty down-beat and dark tracks from the record, which is where it usually shines, the first being the (half-)title track, released just a week before, and it’s pretty excellent. This soulful track builds itself on echoed percussion, subtle piano and Demi stumbling purposefully through verses detailing her mindset when she drinks alcohol and soon enough ends up “dancing with the Devil” and taking harder drugs like cocaine and heroin in the second verse. Musically, the chorus does struggle with some awkward mixing that makes the strings and instrumentation kind of pile up in a blend that sounds a lot louder than it should be, especially when everything is layered up to make each instrument indistinguishable and unrecognisable, pushing Demi’s vocals to the middle and forcing each multi-tracked ad-lib and vocal run to barely fit in the mix. I love this song from a songwriting standpoint even if it tends to be a bit blunt, but it definitely suffers from this production, which is mostly fixed in...

#44 – “Met Him Last Night” – Demi Lovato featuring Ariana Grande

Produced by Xavi and TBHits

This is my favourite song on the record by a fairly big margin, as everything seems to work here, in a way that doesn’t happen across the rest of the album. The song goes for a similar metaphor with the Devil being illicit substances, something that’s been done before and will continue to be done for eons, but Demi and the songwriters do go for a more unique take on it, picturing both Demi and Ariana in a bar or some kind of late-night hang-out as they “see the Devil” – really, seeing themselves at a low point partaking in substance abuse, which is a really interesting and potentially heart-wrenching perspective, especially if we’re going to get the duality of the chorus being self-aware of these vices but ultimately indulging in them anyway, compared to the verses and bridge where Ariana acts as Demi’s consciousness, vowing and pleading with her never to let drugs “take advantage of her innocence” again. The bridge is just wonderful in how the interplay between Ariana and Demi leads to Demi confronting these vices and promising that she won’t ever end up this bad again, before the truth is revealed by Ariana twisting the pre-chorus. Originally, it’s a threat to “the Devil” – that she can see right through the initial appeal of taking hard drugs and will try her hardest to dismiss them – but with the added context of that bridge, becomes a pretty telling response to Demi’s confidence, shutting her down by saying she sees through this facade of willpower and that she’ll still resort to substance abuse once again... which is sadly reinforced by that final, striking chorus that doesn’t change at all from the first, constructing a narrative that ends up going full-circle as Demi is back to where she started. It helps that this instrumental is downright demonic as well, with those menacing 80s synths sliding over some gorgeous violins in the intro, before all of that cuts out for the pre-chorus as that leering melody is whispered by both singers, and the chorus continues to rise with the strings, synthesised brass and the sparse percussion, which drops in Ariana’s verse to become a booming, drill-adjacent beat not afraid to cut out for Ariana’s multi-tracked humming. In fact, I love how organically this beat moves despite it being so obviously programmed, with the swelling of those strings before every impact and the intricate vocal sequencing making sure every gorgeous vocal run and ad-lib is heard. I’m almost glad I’m confident in this not becoming a hit because I would have already talked it to death here before it gets a chance to top my best list, as this is one of the most brilliantly-constructed pop songs I’ve ever heard and absolutely deserves your attention.

#43 – “Nice to Meet Ya” – Wes Nelson featuring Yxng Bane

Produced by Ayo Beatz

And now for some guy featuring some other guy produced by another guy. To give full credit, this beat is actually very well-produced, especially with that gorgeous piano lead in before the reggaeton-esque drum rhythm kicks in alongside those squeaky horns. It’s everywhere else where this song collapses in on itself, as Wes Nelson’s voice is drenched in so much Auto-Tune and reverb that it just sounds grossly cheap, with some comical ad-libs and some comically bad lyrics in this chorus, which I’ll repeat to you now. In a rather Shakespearean tone, our lead artist plays poetic word association with the hedonistic lifestyle of one Wes Nelson, excitedly greeting the listener with a “Nice to meet you”, before striking our deserved attention with his simplistic albeit bitingly effective rhymes. “Stepped in froze, freezer. Christian Dior, huh? Christian Dior, Jesus.” I don’t expect Nas from this guy but I at least expect bars that makes some kind of sense and don’t sound like juvenile attempts at early 2010s Drake-esque hashtag-rap. The song continues to waste the potential of its pretty great production as Wes Nelson strains his voice and somehow still ends up mumbling in his off-beat flow and janky cadence. Yxng Bane is, I hate to say it, probably the best part of this track, as at least he can convincingly sing and his detailed description of him messing around with a vegan girl (which has no relation to what he says, but he still says it) is at least more interesting lyrically than whatever Wes Nelson’s saying. “I met her in Victoria’s Secret then she let me into her Victoria’s secrets” is about as awful as a line when sang as it is read, and I mean, Wes Nelson’s falsetto doesn’t do him much justice in the unnecessary third verse either, so, yeah, this is a pretty crap attempt at riding a great beat. Give this to Rema or Burna Boy and something could have been done with this.

#27 – “deja vu” – Olivia Rodrigo

Produced by Dan Nigro

Finally, we have the follow-up single to Olivia Rodrigo’s “drivers license”, a song I liked, and I’m glad I did because so did Olivia herself and her producer Dan Nigro, as here we have essentially a sequel if not a reboot to that song. Here, Rodrigo starts to question the authenticity of Joshua Bassett’s new Disney-ordered relationship with Sarah Carpenter—I mean, her unnamed ex-boyfriend’s new fling with another woman. It’s an interesting take to have Rodrigo in a place where somewhat sympathises and pities the new girlfriend, as she’s not getting anything unique or new from her ex-boyfriend anymore. In fact, a lot of this song is really confrontational as she demands the boyfriend to tell his new girlfriend that all the stuff he’s doing with her is what he did with Rodrigo. That’s all fine and good but how does the song sound? Well, it’s got a bell-based instrumental, almost one that’s childish and intimidating, which is perfect for the petty selfishness of the content. In fact, the song as a whole seems to attempt to go for that, with the hilariously multi-tracked and echoed fake laughter in the first verse, as well as all of the extra inflections and backing vocals throughout. The song builds in a very similar way to “drivers license”, but drops earlier into a killer indie-rock groove with a squealing guitar and incredibly distorted drum pattern, almost reminding me of a Flaming Lips song if that’s not too far-fetched of a comparison. This song ultimately does enough to derive and distinguish itself from “drivers license” and whilst it’s not as smooth of a powerful pop track as that one was, and the mixing here is definitely more awkward, we get a different side to Olivia Rodrigo that we’re not to have as much sympathy for. Sure, we know how tough the feeling of being replaced is, but she’s noticeably pettier and arguably kind of unlikeable especially in that bridge, which is a lot more fast-paced than the rest of the song and also has somewhat gratuitous swearing because this is still a formula. Overall, I think this is a pretty great song and I might ultimately prefer it to “drivers license” just out of how it sounds and I’m always happy to see more genuine rock on the chart, so I’m glad we end on a good note.

Conclusion

And on said note, Olivia Rodrigo cops the Honourable Mention for “deja vu” – not that there was much competition – with the Best of the Week going to “Met Him Last Night” by Demi Lovato featuring Ariana Grande. For Worst of the Week, it’s really not that easy as I thought it would be as not much here is that bad at all. I guess I’ll give it to Lil Tjay once again as “Run it Up” featuring Offset and Moneybagg Yo is just joyless, with a Dishonourable Mention for Wes Nelson and Yxng Bane for just crapping all over a great instrumental on “Nice to Meet Ya”. Anyway, here’s this week’s top 10:

I’m not sure if I can make any confident predictions for tomorrow, other than the impact of Taylor Swift, Twenty One Pilots and, if I’m getting my hopes up, BROCKHAMPTON? Regardless, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week!

[punk-rock-pixie]

Y'all literally don't shut up about them, so just.... DO THEM ALL. ALL THE FUCKING QUEEN ASKS (Ps. Y'all would be cute with young Brian May and MAYBE Roger Taylor but mostly Bri. Okay bye)

Lord… Okay. I guess I did say that I would answer them all at once. I just wasn’t expecting someone to do it.

(Also aw. lmao)

I’m gonna do it all under the cut.

Who would you dance with if you got the chance?

When you say dance what do you mean? Slow, fun, or like??? Idk. Probably John Deacon

Whose voice do you like least of the 3 singing members of the band?

I DON’T I LOVE THEM ALL PLEASE DON’T MAKE ME CHOOSE.

In your opinion what is the worst outfit any of them ever wore?

Hard Life. It’s rediculous and I love it. (Actually highkey would totally wear John or Brian’s costumes lmao)

If you could steal one of their features what would you take? (ie. Roger’s eyes, Brian’s hair, John’s butt, Freddie’s stache etc.)

Roger’s Eyes. I don’t think I’d look good with the other two lmao

Have you ever seen Highlander or Flash Gordon?

I’ve seen Flash a couple times. It’s super bad lmao

Is there a Queen song you really don’t like? If so what is it?

Is it a cop out to say some stuff from Hot Space? I really don’t enjoy much off Hot Space other than maybe Cool Cat.

Do you know how to boil an egg?

I don’t, but I’m sure a quick google search will tell me.

Opinion of Hot Space

I guess I answered this one, but I’m not a huge fan. Given what was being done behind the scenes at the time.

If you were friends with the band who would you go to for comfort?

TRICK QUESTION. I internalize all my problems because I cannot burden people lmao

What Queen song can you absolutely not skip even if you’re not in the mood for it?

‘39 and Good ol Fashioned Lover Boy

I’m In Love with My Car. Love it or Hate it?

A jam ™ lmao

Do you play Scrabble?

Not often but my sis and I do sometimes. I love that the band did that while on tour.

Who has the best fashion sense in the band?

All? All of them… 

If you could meet any of the three living band members (including sneaky Deaky) who would you choose to meet?

Brian. He’s been such an inspiration to me and his solos were the reason I began playing in the first place.

If you had to pick an inanimate object to have a crush on would it be a car or a guitar? (Yes, I’m poking fun at Brian and Rog)

I’m already mocked for being in love with my music so defs guitar.

Have you been inspired to pursue something musical because of Queen?

Literally all of my music career.

Millionaire Waltz or Dreamer’s Ball?

BOTH?

If you were friends with the band who do you think would come to you for comfort or advice?

I’m not sure. I feel like John might, but it’s hard to say. People generally seem to open up a lot to me because I am a listener but?????

Do you want to be a penguin when you grow up?

Always. Slide on my belly and avoid financial problems? Hell yeah.

Who do you think is the best looking member of the band?

UH. Brian. Uhm. I haven’t had a crush on him for over half my life lmaooo Although Roger was and still is a very pretty person lmao

Opinion on Queen + Adam Lambert

It’s not Freddie, and it never will be. However, Lambert is very talented and I am so excited to see them in Concert this summer! I’m sure they will be great

F**k, Marry, Kill… go!

UH. UHHHH. 

Fuck Rog

Marry Brian

Kill Paul lmao????

Favorite outfit worn by any of them

I love their Radio Ga Ga outfits so much, “Crazy Little Thing Called Love”, and Brian’s “Don’t Stop Me Now” look. Also there’s an early look from Roger that makes me cry when I see it, but I don’t remember what tour it was

This is them respectively:

Is there a song by Queen that you feel is overrated?

Not completely, but I feel there are some very UNDERrated songs

Have you seen Queen in any form? (With Freddie or Adam or Paul)

Nope, but seeing them in summer!!!

Do you follow any of the band on social media?

Of course I do lmao

Do you own any Queen albums and on what format are they? (Vinyl, tape, cd, etc)

I don’t actually, but I listen non stop on spotify lmao

Freddie with or without the ‘stache?

I think the stache was a very iconic look, but I love them both.

Favorite song written by Freddie?

Defs “I was Born to Love You” 

John with long hair or short?

Short. 

Favorite John song?

I love “You’re my Best Friend” because he wrote it for his wife, and it makes me so happy

Do you like badgers?

They p rad

Favorite Brian written song?

Driven by You or ‘39 defs

Rog with or without sun/glasses?

Defs without. He has a nice face

Favorite Roger song?

It’s lowkey not good, but I love it so much “Future Management” Aka (You don’t need nobody else but me)

Do you think you could beat any of them at Scrabble?

Not at all

Do you think you could out drink any of them?

DEFS NOT. I am such a light drinker. One swig of (probably aged) vodka was enough to put me out lmao

Whose house would you choose to live in?

idk I never went to their houses?

Thoughts on the song 39?

I think I’ve made it clear lmao

Do you like cats?

Very much!

Do you like kids?

I just get anxious around them

Do you like space?

VERY MUCH

Do you like cars?

I was never quite able to, but my dad is and so was one of my exes which is where I get me (very minimal knowledge)

Favorite album?

Great fuckin question

Who has the nicest eyes in the band?

You already fuckin know but also they all do! Especially when they all smile. 

If you could go back in time to any concert they ever performed, which would it be?

I would love to see Wembley or Liveaid tbh, but I’d also love to see when they just start after Smile.

Do you think John Deacon will ever come out of hiding?

Not sure, and I think we should 100% respect him and his family and his privacy tbh??? Like??? Let him live.

Who do you think will outlive the rest?

Brian probably because he bikes so much.

Do you prefer pre or post synth Queen?

I’m okay with both! I think they’re both good for different reasons!

If you could tell any one band member something (including Freddie) who would it be and what would you say?

Of course Brian. I would thank him (and the rest of the band) for inspiring me so much. Probs about the story of first hearing them on the radio and listening to those solos and saying that I wanted to do that. Idk. 

Realistically, I’d probably be trying not to cry and make a fool of myself and ultimately fail…

OKAY THAT WAS ONE DOWN….

Bohemian Rhapsody - What matters to you more than anything in the world?

My music and my friends probs?

Don’t Stop Me Now - What makes you feel unstoppable?

Hitting belt notes perfectly

Another One Bites The Dust - What one thing would you wipe off the face of the earth?

Mosquitoes and homophobes

Under Pressure - How stressed are you currently?

Not particularly. Just tired

We Will Rock You - What was the last concert you went to?

It was Anne Wilson, Rick Springfield, and (I think his name is) Jeff Beck. Went with my family over summer

Somebody To Love - Are you looking for somebody to love?

I have someone. I’m polyamorous, but I’ve very happy with the person I’m with!

We Are The Champions - What achievement are you most proud of?

Still staying passionate about my music no matter what.

Radio GaGa - What do you think of today’s popular music?

I respect the artists but I’m more into oldies.

I Want To Break Free - If you could move to any part of the world, where would you want to live?

NOT BECAUSE OF QUEEN I SWEAR. I’M NOT BEING SARCASTIC But I’d love to move to England. I was there when I was 13 and I fell in love with it. Either there or the LA area

Love Of My Life - Have you ever had your heart broken?

More times than I’d like to admit lmao

Killer Queen - What is your favourite thing about yourself?

my resilience 

The Show Must Go On - What is something you will never give up?

Music. 100%

Crazy Little Thing Called Love - Name some of your favourite musicians.

You mean other than Queen? Lmao. I’m a fan of Heart, Fleetwood Mac, Cheap Trick, Beatles…. oldies lmao Also Fell in love with a ghost is really good. 

Who Wants To Live Forever - If you could be immortal, would you?

I don’t think so… I think I would get bored and like it can also get really sad yknow?

Fat Bottomed Girls - What are some traits you look for in a partner?

TREAT ME LIKE A DAMN HUMAN, make me laugh, be passionate and outspoken, COMMUNICATE…. 

Superficially, I’m generally partial to people being taller than me (even though my partner is shorter lmao) and other musicians (so long as they are humble cuz bitch I can do that too)

I Want It All - If you could have anything in the world, what would it be?

To live comfortably and have good mental health.

OKAY WE HAVE ONE MORE….

1) Brian’s fluffy hair or Deaky’s fluffy hair?

Brian lmao

2) How do you feel about Freddie’s 1976 brushed back hair?

What a look tm

3) Roger’s drum solos or Brian’s Guitar solos?

Of course the guitar solos. Though, I can appreciate the drums as well

4) Favourite member of Queens entourage over the years?

Unsure?

5) Most underrated Freddie look?

Idk that it’s underrated but oof those Harlequin days. Also that one sequin jumpsuit is such a look. 

6) would you rather work on Freddie and Rogers Kensington Market stall or go to Uni with Brian?

I think the stall because going to uni… There’s a lotta kids and the likelihood of seeing the same person twice unless your schedules match up is pretty impossible. Plus I’m a psych major not astrophysics lmao

7) Ben Hardy or Joe mazzello?

I love Joe more than I love many people.

8) Who do you think looks/acts the most like their irl counterpart in Borhap?

Definitely Gwilym. He looks so much like Brian I literally had to double take once or twice. Also if Joe does the specific pout he defs looks like Deacon

9) Which era of Roger is your favourite?

Early 70s fluffy boy

10) Who has the best shirtless look?

… MOVING ON

11) favourite cast member overall?

Definitely Joe

12) Jim and Freddie or John and Veronica?

I love them all. 

13) Whose spouse would you most like to marry?

I wouldn’t, but I wanna be best friends with Anita Dobson (Brian’s current wife)

14) Who is the bigger Thot, Roger or Freddie?

Deacon.

15) Live with Joe or marry Ben?

Live with Joe. I wanna be his best friend. I’m not at all into Ben actually. Cool guy though!

16) Who do you think is the most charismatic out of the cast?

They all are I think. I definitely think Joe is one of the more outspoken of the four, but????

17) Twink Roger or badass grandad Roger?

BOTH. BOTH ARE GOOD.

18) Brian and space or Brian and music?

Uh. Space music.

19) What is your favourite photo of the whole band?

THERE IS THIS PHOTO FROM EARLY 70s

I FOUND IT ‘73! They all just look so happy and ughh I love them.

Also this one. I LOVE WHEN THEY SMILE.

20) Purple rain or superfreak?

Superfreak. Purple rain was overplayed for me after Prince died I think.

21) What element of your life is most queen-esque?

I’m not sure. Probably the clothes I (can’t afford) want to wear

22) If you had to choose any year to tour with queen, which one and why?

Early to mid 70s. When they just start out. Idk Just seeing their improvement over the years would make me so happy.

23) Which John Deacon shirt in Bohemian Rhapsody is the best?

That one. Also I love the Liveaid look because I love button ups.

24) Is I’m in love with my car a good song?

Answered

25) Which section of the ‘I want to break free’ music video is the best?

The sit com part I think

26) moustache Freddie or Stubble Freddie?

Uhm unsure

27) Bearded Bri or clean shaven Bri?

Clean shave. He looks great with a beard- don’t get me wrong. But oof. Clean shaved guys….

28) What Freddie outfit should have been in the movie?

Harlequin always

29) Brian and Gwylim or Roger and Ben?

DO NOT MAKE ME CHOOSE LIKE THAT.

30) Ben Hardy playing the drums whilst smoking or Roger spinning drumsticks?

Roger spinning drumsticks. “WE’RE SAVING YOUR LIFE, BEN”

31) What is your favourite aspect of John Deacons personality?

He’s such a humble person- they all can be. And also just how snarky and silly he can be.

32) Who worked the fringe best, Freddie or John?

Undecided

33) Joe’s Instagram or Luke Deacons Twitter?

FUCKIN UHHHHHHHHH Both are fucking iconic. Let me be both of their best friends. When do I get to meet them.

34) Which of Roger’s kids is your favourite?

Tigerlily

35) What was your most Freddie Mercury moment?

Unsure

36) What Queen song would you most like to fall asleep to?

I’ve fallen asleep to Brian May/Kerry Ellis’s “Love of my life”

37) who has the best solo album?

Unsure… I think Brian defs but still. 

38) If you could see the cast recreate any live performance what would it be and why?

LIVEAID AND ‘39

39) Who would beat a shark in a fight, Joe or Ben?

Ben probs. 

40) Which queen song would you play at your funeral?

BITCH BETTER PLAY SHOW MUST GO ON AND DON’T STOP ME

41) Do you think the script did Freddie justice and if not what would you change?

For being  a biopic and not documentary I think it did very well! Of course it isn’t gonna be completely accurate, but I think it did a good job of showing both sides of Freddie. 

42) What is the best thing about listening to Rami talk about Freddie?

ALL. He just speaks so passionately.

43) Roger’s lime green trousers or John’s Arrow suit?

YES.

44) Does Gwylim suit a beard more than Brian?

Personally I think Gwil does, but I also like no beards on both. 

45) What Chaotic Roger story is your favourite?

“ONE AND THREE-SEVENTHS SUGAR” and also pinching Brian’s butt in an interview

46) Which one of Freddie’s cats are you most like?

ALL

47) Which BoRhap scene is most like you?

Probably them in the farm talking about the songs they wrote. 

48) Which member of queen and which cast member has the most chaotic energy?

Joe all the way

49) What is your favourite queen related memory?

The first time I saw the Bo Rhap trailor I nearly cried. I was also sobbing  the whole first watch through

50) How many times have you seen Bohemian Rhapsody?

Upwards of 5

JESUS

#pixie interrogation #punkrockpixie #anonymous #Queen

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 25th August 2019

Top 10

On the US Billboard Hot 100, after “Old Town Road” dissipated, they’ve been treated with a couple #1s switching in and out. “bad guy”, “Senorita” and probably “Truth Hurts” and unfortunately “Ransom” soon enough... while here in the UK, “Old Town Road” was only at the top spot for a week, and instead we’ve just had “Senorita” by Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello for six straight weeks... Nice.

“Beautiful People” by Ed Sheeran featuring Khalid is at number-two still, and we actually have a pretty busy week that did not translate to the Top 10 – it never does.

“3 Nights” by Dominic Fike is steady at number-three but I’m not complaining; this song is great.

I’m not upset about the one-space boost for Kygo and the late Whitney Houston’s “Higher Love” either at number-four, it’s not a bad song and if anything I’m just excited to see Houston on the charts again.

AJ Tracey returns back to the top five with “Ladbroke Grove” up a spot to number-five.

Aitch’s newest major single, “Taste (Make it Shake)”, is down two spaces to number-six, but that’s still way too high. I honestly do not understand the appeal in this one, it’s not quirky or interesting, it’s over-long, it’s barely got a chorus. Out of all UK rap singles to hit the top 10, this is easily the most puzzling hit.

I’m also not exactly pleased about “Ransom” by Lil Tecca zooming up six spaces to become his first top 10 hit here in the UK... why?

Unfortunately, this means “How Do You Sleep?” by Sam Smith is down a spot to number-eight, and honestly this song is just growing on me.

Speaking of unfortunate, at number-nine is “So High” by MIST and Fredo, also down one space, and while I’m not that big of a fan of this song (Yet) or the discography in general, MIST has recently been stabbed, and he says he’s been recovering well, which is good, I just wanted to note that these things do happen to people who seem like they can’t be touched due to fame and success, especially recently. I hope he’s okay.

To elevate the mood, there is quite literally a Love Island anthem in the top 10, as Joel Corry and Hayley May get their first ever UK Top 10 hit with “Sorry” up six positions to #10. It’s not a bad song, but come on, guys, really?

Climbers

Outside of the Top 10, we have one climber and it’s not exactly notable either... Jax Jones and Bebe Rexha’s radio fodder “Harder” is up five spots to #25. I mean, when so much of the Top 40 is rap, I guess the radio’s got to have something to safely play without having their audience hear a bunch of censor bleeps every ten seconds.

Fallers

Now, we don’t exactly have many fallers, but a lot of them are very notable as these are massive hits dropping incredibly low, starting with #40 which is the top five hit “Location” by Dave featuring Burna Boy down a whopping twenty-three spaces and barely gripping onto that last spot in the chart, after having a brief rebound thanks to the video. While I prefer “Disaster”, “Streatham”, “Black” and pretty much all the songs on PSYCHODRAMA, I’m so happy that Dave and his album have had so much longevity and chart success considering how great this album is (Since this does seem to be the end of the album cycle). This year’s been very kind to British rap both mainstream and underground (Check out Little Simz, she’s mind-blowing) and this is definitely one of the achievements the genre can display proudly. Other than that, we have another top 10 hit in Sigala’s “Wish You Well” featuring Becky Hill dropping down 14 spaces to #38, as well as the faller I’m obviously the happiest about. Despite the fact there might be a rebound due to a video release, I’m going to live in blissful ignorance about that, since “Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi, which has been the worst song in the top 20 for like three straight months, is out of the top 20, falling 17 positions to #26. It’s not out of the chart entirely, but I’ll take it. Oh, and “Panini” by Lil Nas X is down five spaces to #36 but Thog don’t caare

Dropouts & Returning Entries

There aren’t any returning entries this week but since there are five new arrivals, there are obviously quite a lot of drop-outs. “Find U Again” by Mark Ronson featuring Camila Cabello is one of them, dropping out of the charts entirely from #37, which really sucks because that song is amazing. Otherwise, we have some notable but very much expected drop outs for “SOS” by the late Avicii featuring Aloe Blacc and its impressive chart run from #32, “You Need to Calm Down” by Taylor Swift out from #38 (God, what an awful song), “Vossi Bop” by Stormzy finally out from #39 (Although I think that song is great actually) and off of the sole debut last week, we have “Hot Girl Summer” by Megan Thee Stallion, Nicki Minaj and Ty Dolla $ign out from #40. I know American female rappers haven’t exactly crossed over here yet but I thought this would have least lasted a week, and it is a pretty damn good song, it’s got a video coming soon though so we’ll see what that’ll do.

NEW ARRIVALS

#34 – “Post Malone” – Sam Feldt featuring Rani

Produced by Sam Feldt – Peaked at #7 in Ireland

Sam Feldt is an irrelevant Dutch DJ, to put it bluntly. Two years ago, he made a song with Akon and that was his second biggest hit until 2019, second to his only actual hit, may I add. So, what better way to make a name for yourself in America than to go viral with a meme song that references pop culture and has a drop expressive enough for TikTok. Indeed, it worked, he was on the top of the Spotify Viral 50 with “Post Malone”, because if you want to keep your target white audience as an EDM-pop or rock artist, the only hip-hop artist you can seemingly admit to liking is Post Malone. Even the Jonas Brothers are shouting them out in (Absolutely dreadful) hit songs like “Cool”. It didn’t even work, by the way, it barely peaked in the top 10 of the American dance charts but it worked on like all of Europe, especially on the chart that isn’t actually in the EU, technically, maybe. Funnily enough, it’s not that big of a hit in his home country of the Netherlands, peaking at #85. I don’t know who RANI is, do you? Listen, it’s Feldt’s second UK Top 40 hit, his first since 2015, and it’s from his Magnets EP. RANI is a female singer who seems to specialise in being a puppet for EDM DJs, and had  a minor hit doing so with “Crying with the Sun” last year, but this is her first appearance on the UK Top 40. Hiring RANI seems to be the cheap option compared to an actual celebrity, the girl doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page, and the whole song in fact is really cheap, with a couple 2014-esque synths carrying a flat, tinny EDM beat until that chorus hits, and Jesus, this song was not meant to ever have “Post Malone” in the lyrics. It’s lodged in that chorus with all the care of a bull in a china shop with crowd cheering in the background before the generic build-up of hi-hats until a pretty simple vocaloid drop and yeah, I question why anyone thinks this song is worth listening to. The drop ends abruptly with literal silence instead of even transitioning into the verse all that well, which is lazy and nonsensical on his part because he’s going to have to transition this into other songs in a DJ set, he wants that to be smooth. Yeah, skip this, it’s trash, which is exactly what I expected.

#30 – “Motivation” – Normani featuring uncredited vocals by Ariana Grande

Produced by ILYA – Peaked at #20 in Belgium and Scotland, and #33 in the US

Fifth Harmony’s disbandment let one star really get a lot of shine, and that was Camila Cabello, who is still gathering a lot of success to this day, but what I didn’t expect is a push towards another pop girl with Normani, whose debut solo single has been racking up a lot of streams and chart success pretty much worldwide. It’s not that massive yet but it does have the potential to be, especially with the high-profile collaborations like Khalid and Sam Smith that Normani has been greeted with this past year by her label, so it seemed inevitable. I fully expected Normani to go the R&B route, probably a more throwback 90s style, and yeah, I was right, but I really didn’t expect a song this good. Written by Normani herself with Ariana Grande, ILYA and Max freaking Martin, this song is an earworm determined for success, and has hence become Normani’s third UK Top 40 single. Starting with an intriguing Ariana Grande-esque voice memo of some sort, it immediately lands into the bass-lead R&B beat that feels 90s and 2000s at the same time yet definitely modern due to Normani’s sultry vocals, but in the chorus, the kiss-off lead by harmonies and subtle background vocal samples from Grande feels very anthemic and almost sarcastic. I do feel like maybe it’s a bit too minimalistic of a debut single, but there are a lot of little quirks, including the eerie Caribbean vocal sample in the bridge coupled with a smooth horn section, and I don’t have much to say about this one evidently, but it succeeds on every level at just being a pretty perfect pop song. The idea of Normani telling her ex to “Think about it” afterwards isn’t a pledge from Normani here, though, it seems very much like she’s bragging and telling this guy to re-consider the fact that he dumped someone with a net worth more than his lifetime salary, it’s almost kind of hilarious how she sasses this guy around, especially in the verses. The title seems to be based around the fact that the guy ever had a girl as good as her... which is considered “motivation”. Well, that’s just pretty epic. Yeah, great song, and I’m really excited for whatever Normani does next.

#23 – “Lover” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Jack Antonoff and Taylor Swift – Peaked at #4 in Malaysia and #19 in the US

Ah, Taylor Swift and the messy roll-out of her newest album, Lover, which I have yet to really form an opinion on but it’s gotten a lot of positive reviews which I didn’t expect because of the absolute trainwrecks that were released as singles, such as “ME!” which the general public soon showed their distaste for, so much so that Swift had to edit out the most cringeworthy lyrics, “You Need to Calm Down” which had a very polarising reception mostly because of how people believed she was pandering to the LGBTQ+ community with the music video, and had some cringeworthy lyrics there too, but it was a bit more positive. Then things took a large turn for the better with the release of the promotional single “The Archer”, which a lot of people loved and seemed to think was a return to form, but I wasn’t impressed. It was boring, and while the songwriting is good, when there’s not a musical climax, it feels like a lot of wasted time and overall, the song feels like an overproduced synth-mush and I was really not a fan of that one, but it wasn’t awful... and it only peaked at #43 here. Then she released this song, which seemed to have shifted the public opinion on the album entirely, even among critics, because it’s a Jack Antonoff-produced return to the country pop sound of her previous work, and while “You Need to Calm Down” might have been pandering to LGBTQ+, I think this should be clowned more for pandering to Pitchfork, but I digress. Is the song any good? Well, it’s her 27th(!) UK Top 40 hit, and it might as well have convinced me too... mostly because this is a Christmas song – albeit a bit more of a intimate, downbeat, guitar-lead country ballad of a Christmas song, but with a direct reference to the holiday, I know what she’s going for. She sounds a lot better on the song than usual, I’m not a fan of Swift’s voice in general but she definitely uses it to her advantage here, staying mostly subdued on the verses until an admittedly janky pre-chorus, until that title drop, which is fantastic, especially with the bells and guitar that follows but honestly, the star here isn’t Swift. It’s the string section and the choir, who elevate that pre-chorus with a lot of cheery vocals and the plucky strings in both the bridge and the brief burst of violins in the second verse, really emphasise the lyrical theme of devotion. While I dispute the fact that Taylor Swift has ever heard a dirty joke in her life that wasn’t made by Kanye West, that bridge is incredible, and honestly this whole song is pretty great, and I think THIS is the return to form she needed. There’s a lot of genuine groove and swing to this ballad and the chorus is heavenly, and may I say that the cover art fits perfectly. This is good, check it out, next.

#22 – “Both” – Headie One

Produced by Nastylgia and PJ Pipe it Up

I’m going to be honest here; from what I’ve heard from Headie One, I don’t really like the guy. I don’t think he’s as witty or entertaining as his peers and more often than not, he’s just a tad dull, but with his seventh mixtape release, Music x Road, I have been somewhat intrigued to check it out since NME described it as “far from drill”, which means he is branching out and this could either be a surprise success or complete wretched failure. I believe this is Headie’s third UKTop 40 hit and, well, to be honest, it’s not that bad. I love that guitar loop, it sounds straight out of the intro to a metal song, and the way it’s pitch-shifted to act as an eerie synth is pretty cool when it gets to the verse; if I’m honest this trap beat is pretty great... and so is Headie. To say he doesn’t ride this beat would be a lie, I don’t like the guy that much but he bodies this, not with much wordplay obviously but his delivery is tough and very straight to the point, no-nonsense, which is interesting when being put against the gospel choir sample which is absolutely mangled and just kind of placed every couple bars, and it sounds great, really intense. I’m not sure how I feel about that bridge though, the subdued, mumbling flow with the distortion and Auto-Tune sounds cool but it kills the momentum and doesn’t really fit with the guitar-lead trap beat. I’d prefer maybe to get rid of that part entirely and just have the beat cut out for the start of the chorus without the transition, or have Headie harmonise with the sample from “Free” by Ultra Nate, that could have sounded pretty cool. As it is, it still bangs, and looking at the lyrics there’s a lot of detail I don’t usually see, and somehow he made peanut butter on oats sound cool, so you know what, Headie, I like this one. Check it out.

#18 – “Be Honest” – Jorja Smith featuring Burna Boy

Produced by Cadenza and IzyBeats

Jorja Smith has had a pretty quiet 2019. After 2018 and her BRIT Award wins and impressive performance, she’s understandably laid low with only a couple of features including one on my favourite British rapper Loyle Carner’s second album, but this seems to be the birth of the roll-out for her sophomore effort, or at least a standalone single. I didn’t really like Jorja Smith because I knew her for her EDM collaborations but after listening to Lost & Found, I’m not going to lie, I really enjoyed her UK garage and trip hop-infused brand of R&B, especially the single “Blue Lights” and her sample on AJ Tracey’s banger “Ladbroke Grove”, which added to the song immensely. A new song from Jorja won’t connect with me at first, they never do, she’s one of the artists who has to grow on me, but I like Burna Boy to an extent so I doubt this’ll be any less than decent... and yeah, it’s not bad. I like the sweet guitar and synths/flute(?) that start off the song as the primary melody (which I believe is a sample) and the steady drum beat adds to the tropical, summery feeling of the track. Jorja sounds great as always, with a pretty sensual performance she can do pretty well, but the chorus is pretty weak and I feel a tad underwritten. Burna Boy’s verse is pretty fun and bouncy but this isn’t standing out to me as anything that great initially. It’s definitely not bad, but underwritten and a tad sub-par perhaps. Also, I like the horns in the final chorus but it’s too little too late at that point.

Conclusion

Honestly, this is a pretty great week on the chart, with four out of five new arrivals that I quite enjoy, and the Summer-Autumn transition is looking good. Best of the Week is tough but I’ll give it to Taylor Swift for “Lover” – hey, I’m a sucker for Christmas songs – and a tied Honourable Mention to Normani and Headie One for “Motivation” and “Both”, while there’s nothing worth a Dishonourable Mention here other than our Worst of the Week, going to Sam Feldt and RAMI for whatever “Post Malone” is. Follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 30th September 2018

I said last episode was going to be short (it ended up not being all too short at all) but, honestly, this episode is even more rushed, even more slap-dash and probably even shorter, despite how many new arrivals there are to talk about. The UK Top 40 is feeling really uninteresting for me right now and I think focusing on other projects like my own music, BLAST TO THE PAST and my upcoming year-end lists is what I’ll be doing until January rolls around, or at least something interesting happens. Anyways, that’s enough of me rambling, here’s the top 10.

Top 10

How to describe the top 3 songs in a nutshell? “How?” How is it still here? How is it still being successful? First of all, we have “Promises” by Calvin Harris and Sam Smith not moving at number-one despite a clear lack of any real hook.

At number-two, the runner-up spot, we have “Eastside” by benny blanco, Khalid and Halsey, also not moving despite a clear lack of any real... anything, really.

And at number-three, we have a meme overstaying its welcome, as “I Love It” by Kanye West and Lil Pump featuring Adele Givens is still at number-three in its third week, due to insane streaming.

“Happier” by Marshmello and Bastille unfortunately moves up one space to number-four, which means...

“Body” by Loud Luxury and brando is kicked down a spot to number-five.

“Taste” by Tyga and Offset is hanging in there, not moving at number-six.

“Electricity” by Silk City and Dua Lipa, however, has moved up three whole spaces to number-seven.

In case that was too much excitement, glorified mash-up “In My Mind” by Dynoro and Gigi D’Agostino is staying still at number-eight.

We have a new entry into the top 10 at number-nine, with “All I Am” by Jess Glynne, making way for the album release.

Whilst all this is happening, however, “Falling Down” by Lil Peep and XXXTENTACION debuts at number-ten, and man, I don’t want to talk about this, so let’s just skip straight to the Climbers first.

Climbers

There’s one of them, and it’s only a five-space increase for “Lost Without You” by Freya Ridings, entering the top 20. Good song and all, but geez, those are all the notable climbers? That’s kinda sad, and telling of the charts right now.

Fallers

Now this is where it gets slightly more interesting. First of all, Eminem: “Lucky You” featuring Joyner Lucas is down five spaces to #13, whilst “Fall” lives up to its name, plummeting 12 spaces to #25. Just to be fair to Em, however, I might as well mention “RAP DEVIL” by Machine Gun Kelly leaping off a cliff down 15 positions to #30. Hip-hop and R&B didn’t have a great week overall, actually, with “FEFE” by 6ix9ine and Nicki Minaj featuring Murda Beatz down six spaces to #34 and “God is a woman” by Ariana Grande falling nine spots to #39, while EDM suffered as well, as “Don’t Leave Me Alone” by David Guetta and Anne-Marie jumping down nine spots to #27, and “Rise” by Jonas Blue and Jack & Jack NOT living up to its name as it slips down six spaces to #38. Oh, and “Youngblood” by 5 Seconds of Summer is making its way down the charts, eight spaces down to #37. It had a good run.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Adding to Eminem’s losses is “The Ringer”, dropping out from #17, joining “Ay Caramba” by Stay Free Get Lizzy featuring Fredo and Young T & Bugsey out from #40, “This is Me” by Keala Settle and The Greatest Showman Ensemble out from #35, “One Kiss” by Calvin Harris and Dua Lipa out from #39, “Solo” by Clean Bandit featuring Demi Lovato out from #38, and very sadly, “Panic Room” by Au/Ra and CamelPhat out from #34, as one of the many, many drop-outs this week, making way for our SIX new arrivals. Let’s get into them, starting with a name I haven’t heard in years.

NEW ARRIVALS

#40 – “Guiding Light” – Mumford & Sons

So, you remember Mumford & Sons, right? The somewhat insufferable folk-rock band that had a major mainstream burst in the early 2010s because they were... actually a pretty weird time for pop music, but great for indie pop, which I guess Mumford & Sons can creep under. I’ve never necessarily been a fan of Mumford and his sons, but I’ve never listened to a full-length project either, so I can only form opinions off of the hit singles and, yeah, they don’t do much for me. So, has this new single given me any hope for your next record or at least any desire to listen to it?

Yeah, no. Hell, no. This really sucks. The dude’s voice is more nasal than ever, and there’s no rhythm in the constant guitar strumming and poppier piano melodies. It just feels all too still for what it is; I appreciate the electric guitars in the mix after the second verse, and the chorus isn’t necessarily a bad hook, it’s just that the song is monotonous and unfinished. The transitions are choppy, the songwriting skills are simply not there, some synths are pushed into the bridge for no reason, and more importantly, it’s almost cluttered, especially in the final chorus. This could have used some polishing but that’d probably be even worse – then it’d also be boring, and, yeah, I’d rather have it subtly infuriating.

#31 – “Better” – Khalid

Oh, Khalid, how I love your mellow voice and how I hate your hit-and-miss production. I hated “Love Lies” and “Eastside” for just feeling like bland, dull re-hashes, but “Young Dumb & Broke”, “Location” and “OTW” really hit the mark for me, so, with this new single, I’m curious to what he brings with the table... and unlike “Love Lies”, Khalid wins the battle of similarly-titled hit songs against Post Malone, as under that bouncy trap percussion, simple piano melody, female spoken word vocal samples and the seductive murmuring from Khalid is a real groove in that bassline, which I really like. That hook is catchy and fun too, with the added finger-snapping in the bridge just being the cherry on top. It’s not a masterpiece by any means, and I really would like some more natural percussion or some more intelligible vocals from Khalid (although I do like how they’re treated in the vocoder during the final chorus), but it’s a pretty great R&B track, with some subtle throwbacks to classic 90s music of the same genre (the talkbox) that I appreciate, that I simply do not have much to say about. Khalid will go down as a legend for making some of the most blandly fantastic music, I’m telling you. I recommend it, but don’t expect to exactly remember how it goes.

#21 – “No Stylist” – French Montana featuring Drake

So French Montana really does have a surprisingly large fanbase here in the UK, or at least sizeable enough for him to pretty frequently debut at similar positions. This track in particular, however, had the help of a Drake boost, meaning it could have potentially debuted in the top 20, and probably will rise to the top 20 next week or so. Does it deserve that? No, of course it bloody doesn’t, it’s a French Montana song. Sure, the Latin trap-inspired beat is okay and I do like the guitar loop, but the repetitive autotuned chorus with falsetto Montana is pretty freaking awful, the vocals (and to an extent, the instrumental) is mixed horribly, and Drake’s contributions are basically nonexistent – his verse is as short and cookie-cutter as a Drake verse could potentially be. This would be a waste of anyone’s time to listen to. You can get better Latin-influenced trap, you can get better Drake and you can get better music, full stop. Skip this.

#14 – “Let You Love Me” – Rita Ora

Rita Ora has never exactly impressed me as much as I think she should. I hated “Girls”, but a lot of her work is just mediocre and plain, which is typical of a UK pop girl with consistent success, but also pretty exhausting as a critic having to talk about her every few weeks, and this new single from her upcoming album isn’t really any different. It reminds me way too much of benny blanco’s “Eastside” for its own good, mostly because similarly to that song, it follows that recent washed-out, minimalistic tropical sound without adding any twist or great execution to give it any point in really existing... Rita Ora’s vocals are really not great on this, and no matter how much the finger-snapping and synth explosions in the chorus and drop (as well as that weird reverse instrumental moment) try and desperately add anything new to the song, it doesn’t succeed and this is just another disappointment from Rita Ora. Sorry, but this isn’t it.

Wow, four songs in a row, all of which, of varying quality, are not worth talking in-depth about, incredibly forgettable and most importantly of all, not interesting, on either side of the spectrum. I have nothing to talk about when it comes to Rita Ora, Khalid of French freaking Montana, however I do have a lot more to say about this next artist (and I’ve already said a lot).

#13 – “KILLSHOT” – Eminem

Weeks ago, we reviewed “RAP DEVIL” by Machine Gun Kelly, a great instrumental ruined by sloppy flows, a garbage hook and some really pathetic disses. It didn’t even seem worth Marshall’s time to return and hit back at Kelly, and I don’t think he even did that here – his bars aren’t consistently top-notch, the beat is just a pretty typical trap-rap beat that I heard on Kamikaze about 13 times, and he could have of dug even harder into MGK (especially with that shovel he had in the “RAP DEVIL” music video), but Eminem, even when he has a couple blunders, rarely ever fails with diss tracks, as he knows right where to hit them. He starts the song mocking some of MGK’s stranger disses, like how his beard is weird, before going straight into the verse, where somehow he sounds pretty awesome whilst blatantly lying about having relations with Rihanna, because, of course he does, it’s Eminem. On top of interpolating his hit song “Stan” to reference Kelly’s constant complementing of Em on “RAP DEVIL” and older Tweets, he brings up how Eminem’s age, although being referenced in “RAP DEVIL” frequently, was completely irrelevant, as at 45, Em still outsells Kelly... by a freaking landslide. His flow switching up throughout is pretty fantastic, and I love how the song works outside of the diss for the most part. He also lands some essential Eminem diss-track lines, such as, uh, asking the victim what he’s eating?

Are you eating cereal, or oatmeal? / What the f***’s in the bowl, milk? Wheaties and Cheerios? – Eminem, “KILLSHOT”

Your mouth is open, you’re disgusting, what the f*** you eat for lunch? What, you munch a bunch of Crunch and Munch? – Eminem, “Big Weenie”

Although it’s best we just don’t mention “Big Weenie” at all...

Pippity-ka-ka-poo-poo! – Eminem, “Big Weenie£

Some of the highlights of “KILLSHOT” include lines about how Em made his career just to destroy it a week later (which seems currently to be entirely true seeing as how Kelly has been doing since), and him going as far as to just briefly develop old rumours into borderline conspiracy theories about how Diddy shot 2Pac (although he IS just playing, as he clarifies later on), although not all lines hit. Kelly’s not exactly a “mumble-rapper”, Eminem criticising Auto-Tune is hypocritical and the “dictionary” hashtag rap line is just bloody stupid. He ends off pretty effectively, though, saying that Kelly should “leave Em’s d*** in his mouth and keep his daughter out of it”, referring to a few tweets Kelly made about a 16-year-old Hailie a few years back. Oh, and I can’t forget my personal favourite line:

How you gonna name yourself after a damn gun / And have a man-bun?

#10 – “Falling Down” – Lil Peep and XXXTENTACION

Okay, yes, as much as it sickens me to see two tragic deaths being milked by the label so blatantly without any care for the fans or the original artists’ wishes and how we’re replacing an openly gay rapper’s verse with someone who nearly beat a gay man to death in prison for looking at him, as well as putting him on the same track as Lil Peep, who stated several times before he died that he didn’t like X, just to add insult to injury, and as much as it sickens me to see the scripts flipped after the release, as ILoveMakonnen and each rappers’ families covering up the fact that it is graverobbery due to label pressure and their fear of bad publicity is frankly disgusting on the label’s part, I’m trying not to care because I feel like too much attention on that will cloud my judgement on the music, and, well, like most of X’s music, it’s hard to separate the art from the artist. Listen, I love this beat to death, the synths and guitars are so cutesy and fun, but Peep’s vocals perfectly contrast them in their rough emo angst (no, X adds nothing at all worthwhile to the track until the interlude, but we’ll get to that). It’s a fun emo-pop bop that although I feel guilty doing so, will probably be listening to... or at least I would, if he didn’t have an annoying spoken word interlude with X talking about Lil Peep’s death, and how it intrigued him to watch interviews and collaborate, which parallels a certain situation with X, who will soon be featured on hit singles by Lil Wayne and Kanye. Oh, and the fact that I’m pretty sure Peep says “Ko’” in referral to ILoveMakonnen on the chorus, which does kind of put me off considering Ko’s no longer there, but that’s not an issue and I could be easily mishearing “come” as Genius lists the lyrics as currently.

Conclusion

Okay, so, six new arrivals, four titles. Eminem would get the Honourable Mention for “KILLSHOT” if not for the implications of “Falling Down”, but with them, he gets Best of the Week. A tied Honourable Mentions between Lil Peep, XXXTENTACION and Khalid for both “Falling Down” and “Better” sounds like a nice compromise. French Montana and Drake clearly earn Worst of the Week here, for “No Stylist”, but the Dishonourable Mention for Mumford & Sons with “Guiding Light” is giving them close competition. See ya next time!