#but why is it single handedly the sexiest thing

[amethyst-silk]

This is so dirty but i literally am going crazy thinking ab it. Pleasee can you write one where fem reader is at Peters house and things are getting spicy but she gets a call from her dad so she answers (but in this scenario Peters a bad boy and her dad doesnt like her hanging out him) and Peter can hear her dad warning her ab him so he like eats her out or something spicy while she’s on the phone so she cant make any noises or anything. Ahhhh im so sorry this is filthy 😳🫣🥴

i’ve been gone for so long i feel so bad :( will i get back into this blog more frequently? who knows, but here are some crumbs

- peter kinda loves the fact that your dad can’t stand him

- he thinks he’s winning, in a sense

- and every chance he gets he’s reminding your dad that you chose him

- it’s never anything super in his face, but the subtle things

- an arm around you when he’s over for a holiday, his hand on your thigh when you’re out for dinner, the jewellery from him you wear

- he sees it like he’s scoring in a sports match

- while he’ll do most anything to piss off your dad, he had one rule

- he would never talk to your father about the intimate moments shared between you

- he felt like without this then it was like you were just a prize to be won, which was not the case

- peter parker was in love with you. simply obsessed. infatuated. you were his world

- it was no suprise to you that peter was a very generous lover

- he always made sure that you were satisfied before he even thought about himself

- this made teasing you a whole lot more fun for him

- he loved to take his time with you, hearing you beg and whimper for him

- while he was skilled with his fingers, he was merciless with his tongue

- he'd have you shaking within a few seconds, and he'd keep coming back for more

- peter was normally quite devious in bed, but when you had gotten a phone call from your dad during the middle of an intimate moment, peter was practically the devil

- your underwear was off by this point, as well as his shirt

- you told peter that you needed to take the call because your father told you there was something important you needed to discuss

- peter told you that it could wait, but you insisted you take the call

- peter left the room with no fuss, you assumed to give you some quiet

- not 45 seconds later, he returned with something in his hands

- ropes

- peter parker had brought two ropes into your bedroom while you were on a call with your dad

- you figured that he was doing it to tease you and give you shit for interrupting the two of you

- you were wrong

- as soon as he reached the bed, he began to work on tying each of your ankles to the bottom of your bedpost, spread your legs

- heat immediately rushed to your abdomen at the action, and you started to stammer your words on the phone

- peter smirked to himself and took off his pants, now fully naked

- he walked around to your nightstand at the side of your bed, overhearing your dad talking about something trivial

- he reached in your drawer and pulled out a small plastic bottle

- of lube

- peter parker just grabbed lube out of your bedside drawer while you were on the phone with your father and your underwear was nowhere in sight

- it became harder and harder to keep up the conversation while you became aroused at peters every move

- peter took the small bottle and poured a good amount on his chest

- this confused you, resulting in you spacing out from your call completely, only to have your dad bring you back a couple of seconds later

- why did he just put lube on his chest

- it was only after that you would understand why

- peter set the lube on your night stand and watched it slowly run down to his stomach, then pelvis

- he started to rub the lube down, starting up at his chest, following the trail of lube sensually down his body until he had enough on his cock to start pumping it with his fist

- the action had you speechless, your mouth was agape

- that was single-handedly the sexiest thing that you had ever witness and you couldn’t even react to it properly because you were still on the phone with your father

- you could no longer comprehend any thought that came to mind that pertained to your phone call

- all you could think about was peter stroking himself i front of you

- you began to tune everything out, starting with your dad on the other line

- you contributed to watch peter, mesmerized and he continued his relentless work on his cock

- you could tel that he was getting close, so you started to try and wrap the call up with your dad

- if anyone was gonna make peter come, it was gonna be you

- as you began with your “well it was nice talking to you” and “we should grab lunch sometime,” peter caught you off guard

- you didn’t know how he could get even sexier, but he managed to do so

- peter groaned loud enough for just you to hear as he came all over your chest, milking everything he had onto your skin

- once everything was out, he rubbed the tip in his cum, spreading it around

- a very audible moan escaped from your mouth

- your cheeks reddened instantly as you rushed to hang up on your dad

- “alright good talk thank you dad i’ll see you sometime love you bye”

- as soon as you hung up the phone, peters hand was immediately around your neck

- there was no pressure, but he liked the authority he had as his hand acted as a necklace

- “i didn’t say to hang up”

- you were shocked. what the fuck

- “but i. you just came all over me, you expect me to not hang up?”

- he removed his hand from your neck and stopped rubbing himself on your chest

- “call him back”

- “what?!”

- “i said, call him back. or else i’ll stop”

- you didn’t really know what he was doing, but you knew you didn’t want him to stop so you listens to peter and called your dad back

- he seemed confused that you would be willing to talk again after hanging up so abruptly, but he continued the conversation like there wasn’t a single beat that skipped

- what felt like forever passed while your dad talked your ear off

- you were practically shivering with anticipation the whole time, waiting for peter to do something

- eventually, you had become more focused on your conversation than with peter, trying to ignore the dull ache in your core

- suddenly you felt a finger gently graze your unclothed slit

- it took everything in you not to let out a moan, even at the light touch

- peter had a dark grin on his face, he extracted the exact reaction he wanted out of you

- and that’s what he did for the next 30 minutes you were on call with your father

- the teasing was relentless, almost unbearable

- peter had you dripping on the bedsheets

- your legs were sore from trying to fight against the restraints and you struggled to keep them from shaking

- after that, to your relief, peter finally told you to end the call with your dad

- just as you started to say goodbye, peters tongue gently entered you, and you tried your best to hold back another moan

- he continued licking, toying with your clit every once in a while, and you found it almost impossible to form a coherent thought

- the most you could make out was a “bye” before you pressed the button to end the call with your dad

- “if you thought that call was long, just wait for what i’m about to do to you now”

- you were in for a long night

#andrew garfield #spiderman #asks #peter parker #asks open #spider man smut #peter parker smut #andrew garfield smut #tom holland #tom holland smut

[evxnshoney]

he was INSANE for this and it’s just chris evans leaving a nightclub

#chris evans #pls #he’s so hot #he’s just running his hand thru his hair #but why is it single handedly the sexiest thing #a man has ever done #:( #this is just #fueling my love for kingpin!chris

[fytheuntamed]

Untamed Wardrobes (3/?) // Jiang Cheng + eps 25 - 28

More pictures, commentary, and general nonsense under the cut!

Just a little disclaimer before I get into it; i did play around with the colors of the outfit in the actual edit part of this post, so if you notice some differences in color between the pictures above and the pictures below, that’s why. The pictures posted under this read more have been edited to better show the details, but unless otherwise stated, the colors themselves have been left alone.

First things first, some full body shots! One of my favorite things about the clothing in this show is that it’s very flowy and there are multiple layers!

I believe the cape is detachable, as Jiang Cheng later throws it from his shoulders quite dramatically, but there is a small chance he simply ripped the fucking thing off, so I am keeping the (?) after detachable incase that is indeed what happened. One never knows with this lad.

Both the outermost and middle layer have slits in the skirt, which I imagine serve both a functional (ease of movement) and aesthetic purpose. The outermost layer is sleeveless and the middle layer has two buckles holding the upper part of it together. The bottom of the innermost layer is not a skirt, but pants. *Cue gratuitous shots of Jiang Cheng in naught but his undergarments*

bonus: 

(socks too big for he gotdamn feet)

Also, after taking approximately 50,000 screenshots of this outfit from episodes 25 - 28 I’ve come to the conclusion that he may have changed his undergarments sometime in between? The color seems slightly different and the necklines are different.

Now in terms of him changing his undergarments, in real life it wouldn’t be surprising since time did pass in between these episodes, however if you’re a character then there isn’t really a need to change them... (aka nobody but someone taking way too many screenshots would notice the difference). I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable and boring explanation, but it just struck me as interesting lol. Anyways, enough about the man’s undergarments. Back to the outfit as a whole.

(Pictured above: large, medium, and small Jiang Chengs)

In the first picture you can see a bit of his innermost layer peeking out, whereas in the third picture he has come to a halt, so the outermost layer is covering most of the other two layers. In the fourth picture he is walking quickly, so the top two layers are flapping about quite rambunctiously.

Now for some cape shots!

First we have a view from the side, then a view from above while he’s mid-twirl, and lastly a view of the cape from behind. I believe the cape attaches beneath the purple fabric at the very top, as this piece remains attached to Jiang Cheng after he throws the cape off his shoulders. (See screenshots below)

also i have a hypothesis that this is not the first time the man has dramatically flung a cape off of his shoulders, which leads me to question what then becomes of said capes.

option 1: the yunmeng jiang disciples are used to this particular habit of jiang cheng’s and pick up his capes for him once he’s walked away in a huff.

option 2: having someone pick up the cape ruins the drama of it all, therefore random capes can be found strewn across the land wherever jiang cheng has experienced an adverse emotion. he is single-handedly keeping cape-makers in business.

option 3: he sneaks back to retrieve his cape in the dead of night because he liked that cape but he also has a reputation to maintain :(

he sit

oh shit there he go

alright now for some detail shots! (feel free to open them in another tab to see them at their full size)

sexiest sword. there, i said it.

back of his sash/belt:

also, a before and after shot is necessary:

and finally some memes to end this post

how to smile like you’ve definitely smiled before and this definitely isn’t your first time trying to do so, a guide by jiang cheng:

#the untamed #untamededit #jiang cheng #eirenical #untamed wardrobes #wardrobe #edit #ep 25 #ep 26 #ep 27 #ep 28 #meme #hope you like this anon and eirenical! #you both wanted jiang cheng so i combined your requests~ #i hate to be this person but reblogs really are much better than likes........ #and if you do reblog i really want to know your thoughts!! #even if it's just a simple 'pretty' #also kudos to anyone who actually takes the time to read all the stuff under the cut #the number of hours i've spent on this post as a whole is.....yeah :)

[honiboyyoon]

Total Knock Out (M)

Namjoon drags you to one watch one of his underground boxing matches aka you celebrate a lil early in the locker room

This is part 2 to my boxer!joon one shot Round One (doesn’t have to be read before hand but i would appreciate it)

Pairing: Namjoon x Reader

Warnings: smut, mentions of fighting (he’s a boxer), daddy kink, light spanking

Word count: 1353

A/N: listen @ddaenggtan kept sending me pics of joon in leather jackets which is how boxer!namjoon came around so here is a part 2!!! This is also me using my knowledge of bettes kinks and weaknesses so enjoy this filth!!!! lemme know what you think and send requests!!!

*****

The bustling sounds of the underground boxing matches weren’t noises you heard all too often, seeing as how you hated coming to these things. However, tonight’s match was important for Namjoon and he pleaded for you to come and cheer him on. So here you are, watching as the man you love lands blow after blow to his opponent’s face and stomach. Namjoon had been on a lucky streak the past few weeks, his streak only being interrupted by the cops busting in on them not too long ago. After your argument the night of the bust, your boyfriend had begun looking for above ground jobs, but he couldn’t pass up this match tonight, not when three thousand dollars was on the line. It was almost the end of the match and Namjoon’s opponent was looking weary at best, and you can now see why your boyfriend is the undefeated champion. He’s an absolutely beast. The possibility of being caught by the cops wasn’t even a concern to you at this point, all you could focus on was Namjoon landing blow after blow, and barely receiving any. Your focus was also on the way the sweat glistened off of his golden skin, droplets running down his toned muscles. You rubbed your thighs together to relieve some of the ache that was starting to bubble in your core. You watched a particular line of sweat run itself down his chiseled chest, down his abdomen, and just as the droplet was near the bit of trimmed hair that was peaking out from the top of his shorts, Namjoon delivered a debilitating blow to the other man’s jaw. The noise of his opponent’s body hitting the floor was swallowed by the roars of the crowd. Men hollering in joy as their bets paid off, others shouting in protest when they realized they lost money. Before the referee could even jump into the ring, everyone knew it was a total knock out. Your boyfriend had won. Namjoon had won the fight and the three thousand dollars, plus whatever his cut was of the winning bets.

By the time you fight your way into Namjoon’s small locker room, you can see that he is freshly showered and is dressed in only his jeans and belt. His broad upper body is still glistening with water from the shower but you don't care as you launch yourself at your boyfriend. Namjoon chuckles as he instinctually wraps his arms around you.

“That was single-handedly the most horrid tying yet sexiest thing I have ever seen.” You’re mumbling into his chest but Namjoon hears you just fine.

“Sexy huh?” He’s smirking like a cheshire cat, he knows you want chew him out for fighting, but not tonight, not when he won the biggest fight in his underground career and won you three thousand dollars, and especially not when you admitted that the whole ordeal was sexy to you.

“You sound a little sadistic baby, saying that you thought the fight was sexy” he teases, fingers coming up to cradle your chin, “now where’s my congratulatory kiss?” “Right here, daddy” you giggle, you didn’t mean for it to slip out, really you didn’t. But seeing Namjoon in the ring tonight looking so aggressive and half naked covered in sweat had your panties absolutely soaked, and you wanted him to continue that dominating behaviour. The corner of Namjoon’s lip quirked up into a devilish smile, “oh? Is my baby girl coming out to play?” Before you have the chance to answer, he captures your lips in a searing kiss. Your fingers became entangled into each others hair, and it isn’t until you pull away for air that you notice Namjoon has guided you over to the bench and as he sits down he brings you with him, straddling his one leg. Images of his sweaty muscular thighs in his boxing shorts flash through your mind and you begin to kiss him once again. Namjoon pulls away and starts to kiss down your neck, nibbling at your ear he whispers, “did you enjoy watching daddy fight baby girl? You’re so dirty you’d probably lick the sweat right off of me in that ring, you’d suck me off too wouldn't you baby?” “Oh my God, yes daddy, yes I wanted you to fuck me right in that ring I don’t care who would’ve saw.” Your dirty confession  makes Namjoon’s dick strain against his jeans, that and the fact that you an unknowingly started to lightly grind yourself against his leg. A thought popped into his head that made him gripping your hips even harder. “Did you like looking at my thighs in my boxing shorts baby? I know you love riding daddy’s thigh, your such a greedy little girl for daddy, you take whatever you can get.” Namjoon’s word shoot straight to your core and you whine has his hands guide your hips to grind down on his muscular thigh harder. A swift slap to your ass has you crying out, “daddy asked you a question baby girl.” “Yes, daddy, I was imaging riding your thigh when you were fighting I couldn’t help it, I swear” you whine, and Namjoon takes the opportunity to bite your pouting lower lip.You gasp as he flexes his thigh muscles and you being to grind down on his leg faster. Namjoon loves the way you look when you do this, he loves how much you love riding his thigh. It’s like you can’t get enough of him, and it’s true, you really will take whatever part of himself Namjoon will give you. You’re a whiney mess as he pulls down the fabric of your tank top and starts to roughly play with your nipples. Already having to watch him fight and now this, your orgasm is readily approaching and Namjoon can tell as he flexes his thigh and pushes up against your grinding core. He roughly sucks the delicate skin of your neck and breathes into your ear, “you look so pretty like this baby girl, you’re so good for daddy hm? Putting on a little show for him, huh baby? You’re so so good for daddy” Namjoon’s words are only added to the fire and between your growing moans and you manage to whimper out, “daddy, please can I cum? I’m so close, daddy please.” As if Namjoon could deny you anything. He just wordlessly grips your hips even tighter and helps your grind down on him. You’re rocking back and forth on his thigh as if your life depended on it, and honestly, right now it might. Namjoon goes back to sucking bruises on your neck as he removes one of his iron gripped hands from your hip, and lands a rough slap against your ass. You’re a moaning mess and Namjoon can’t get enough, he needs you to get off on him. He’s never see anyone sexier, and he voices this as your moans only get louder, he knows your practically on the edge. “Fuck your such a girl good for me baby, so fucking good. If you cum like a good girl like this, daddy promises to take you back home and take care of your properly.” That promise and a final flex of this thigh sends you flying over the edge, and your orgasm hits you like a freight train. You’re a loud and whiney mess on top of him as you ride his leg through your orgasm, and it has Namjoon moaning out with you, “aah, that’s it baby girl. Fuck you’re so pretty when you cum, christ you’re perfect. So fucking good for daddy.”

You still on top of him as your breath finally evens out. You burry your face softly laughing into Namjoon’s neck, “Jesus, if I knew they would end like this, I would’ve come to more of your fights.” Namjoon laughs as he kisses your head and stands you up, “c’mon baby girl, daddy still has to take you home.” You wrap your arms around his neck as the two of you share another passionate kiss.

“okay, daddy”.

#namjoon fanfic #kim namjoon fanfic #namjoon fanfiction #joon fanfic #daddy!namjoon #boxer!namjoon #namjoon smut #namjoon one shot #bts smut #namjoon x reader #My writing

[thecloserkin]

fic rec: Dante’s Stars by Pretani

fandom: A Series of Unfortunate Events

pairing: Violet Baudelaire/Klaus Baudelaire

word count: 94k, complete

Is it canon: Yes

Is it explicit: Yes

Is it endgame: Yes

Is it shippable: I’m fucking crying it’s so beautiful

Bottom line: The one and only Violet/Klaus epic, read it and bawl your eyes out (def read the warnings first tho)

It’s a canon-divergence AU where the Baudelaires stage their own deaths to escape Count Olaf. In canon the three Baudelaire orphans—inventor Violet, bookworm Klaus, and baby Sunny—are hounded from guardian to guardian by cartoonish villain Olaf, who will stop at nothing to get his hands on their fortune. Olaf murders or incapacitates every single adult who spares two seconds of sympathy for these kids, leaving a wide swathe of destruction in his wake. In this fic the Baudelaires have decided to wipe the slate clean and assume new identities.

I have mentioned in the past how salty I am about the Baudelaires’ characters being sidelined for Snicket the narrator, Olaf the villain, and/or sundry other bit-players (in the Netflix show the Henchperson of Indeterminate Gender p much steals every scene they’re in). In canon we’re not really privy to the kids’ inner lives. This fic avoids that pitfall by sticking with tightly focused third-person Violet and Klaus POVs.

The thing this fic does really well is instill a pervasive sense of dread/paranoia which is remarkable because for the first 25% absolutely nothing ominous happens. The orphans get taken in by a slightly addled, very nice old lady and they just … live in her house. For free. While she cooks for them. And every morning Violet and Klaus hook up in her barn.

Ok back up so the ship they’re passengers on goes down in a storm, all hands lost, the Baudelaires are presumed drowned with the rest. Which is positively providential. The first event of any import to occur is that Klaus swipes some cash from a dead man’s wallet. Violet has ethical qualms but Klaus quashes them by pointing out that Sunny’s starving:

”I’d do anything for her,” he said. “Even become a thief or a murderer.”

Then his dark eyes found Violet’s. “I’d do it for you, too.”

So on the one hand I think this is rather extra. I mean, what possible use could a dead man have had for that money? Money that could put actual food in Sunny’s stomach. The Baudelaires are keenly aware that justice does not equal unquestioning obedience to authority and I think their exposure to a raft of tyrannical and unjust authority figures has hammered that home. They’re down with bending the rules because they know the rules are never even-handedly applied anyway (ie. the show trial at Hotel Denouement, the farcical final exam at Prufrock Academy). On the other hand I remember how uneasy they felt about stealing Hal’s keys in Hostile Hospital, and that was barely a misdemeanor! A friend of mine astutely pointed out how Violet is always trying to behave in any given situation the way their parents would have wished, whereas Klaus takes a pragmatic approach: do whatever keeps his sisters safe. And that is a very interesting contrast and one I want to see explored further.

They get on a train. Things that happen: Klaus notices when Violet is down in the dumps or angry or upset or in this case, wistfully jealous of other people who lead “normal” lives, bustling all around them. He’s not in love with her yet but noticing is the first step. Violet atm is super focused on being the elder sister, the adult in the room, the One In Charge. They get off the train and as soon as they blow into town Violet gets catcalled and propositioned. One of the themes of this fic is the horrendous baseline level of violence against women, some of it normalized and casual like the catcalling. The Big Bad Villain of the piece is literally a guy who’s murdered multiple girlfriends on account of them fridging his ass, since he appears to think that women owe him sex. And this man’s driving ambition is to add Violet to his list of conquests.

So often, men treated her as little more than an object … Klaus was different. He saw her, the woman she was inside.

HOW COULD SHE NOT FALL FOR HIM?? Is there another man she could learn to trust enough to fall in love with? However I’m getting ahead of the story. Klaus is still in the phase where he’s awakening to his attraction to Violet:

She was mother and sister, soft skin and tender strength, and he hid his face in her neck. Like a child, she rocked him gently, cradling his head.

I have to protect her, even if it’s from myself.

He couldn’t take this, his brave, beautiful sister, so near … the knowledge of what those men wanted to do to her. I”ll kill them … And what he wanted …

God but it kills me, Klaus thinking that his attraction to Violet is as noxious as those vile men and their rapacious stares. Klaus himself otoh is president of the Violet Baudelaire Fan Club. The contrast could not be more marked. Look at him building her up when she’s about ready to to give up on picking a lock because she’s lost her hair ribbon:

”I’m done, Klaus. I don’t have anything else to give”. ”Vi … “ he was pleading, willing her to believe in herself again, because he did. “You’re a brilliant inventor,” he told her. “It’s who you are. Nothing can take that away. You don’t need your ribbon.”

The unwarranted parallel that he draws between himself and a bunch of sexual predators is the source of so much angst and pining:

Is that what I am? A pervert?

She’ll blame herself for this

Well, well, well, if it isn’t ye olde I’m-Leaving-Her-For-Her-Own-Good-Lest-My-Perverted-Attraction-To-Her-Despoil-Her-Innocence. I am absolute trash for it every time, film at 11.

”I love you, Vi … I’m in love with you.” He said it like he was confessing to a crime, and she wanted to scream, to laugh and cry all at once.

THEIR LOVE IS A CRIME!!! Could these babies be more pure??

They’d always had an extraordinary connection. It was the reason for their seamless partnership, their ability to support one another … But now, the bond that had kept them alive was killing him. How could anything ever be right again?

”Vi, I’m sorry … I want to be your brother, but I can’t … I want to be more than that … I don’t know what to do.” ”Kiss me,” she said, “and be both.”

THATS IT THATS A WRAP I CAN NOW DIE HAPPY. That “kiss me and be both” is PERFECTION.

And she knew she’d never willingly give herself to anyone but him.

she’d loved him even then. Who could tell when they had crossed the line? It was already too late.

cross the line what line??? they were made for each other.

”You know, we missed the sunrise,” he said, nose to nose with his sister.

Violet and Klaus carve an extra hour out of their morning to go make out in the barn. I shit you not these kids spend a whole month without progressing past first base because Klaus doesn’t want to “pressure” Violet into anything she’s not ready for. Violet, for her part, is beginning to suspect there’s something wrong with her person; why hasn’t he even tried to take her top off? Thank you #Patriarchy for teaching us that desirability is the measure of a woman’s worth. God they are so thirsty. This bitch almost fell over the first time he touched her tits:

“Vi,” he spoke into her hair, voice breaking. “Tell me you don’t want this. Tell me to —“ But she only titled her head, to meet his mouth in a feverish kiss.

So Klaus and Sunny are having a snow fight and Violet tugs her glove off to tousle his hair and it’s THE SEXIEST THING I’VE EVER SEEN BYE. True story after I read this fic I legitimately thought that “Vi” was a pet name Klaus called her by in canon, and when I finally finished the books much much later and realized that it wasn’t—well, it should have been.

There is a fairy tale about a princess who disguises herself in the skin of a donkey to escape the attentions of her lecherous father the king. Violet and Sunny discuss it. Violet points out that rape is wrong because rape is rape, because it is coercive, not because it’s incest. I love it when fic highlights the fairytale parallels to the Baudelaires’ situation, and I feel like Donkeyskin was such a spot-on choice because it’s all about surviving sexual assault and learning to make oneself vulnerable again afterwards? Klaus is the prince who sees through her disguise and falls head over heels in love with her CHANGE MY MIND. On the subject of happily ever after:

”Is that what you think I want? A fairytale? A walk down the aisle in a white dress?" He felt a lump forming in his throat. "Most girls think about those things, don't they?" "I don't," she told him. "I prefer not to. And as for children…well…I love them. That's why I don't want any of my own … how selfish would I be, to bring another little life into this? Another hostage they could use against us. Imagine how awful it would be if…" She shook her head. "No children… not ever. I couldn't protect them." And she turned to him with a soft look. "It's no sacrifice, Klaus. Not for me. I've already been through a… a wedding, you know." He felt her shudder, and she averted her eyes. "I won't be sorry if I never see another wedding dress again."

My dudes, when you have children each and every one of them is a hostage to fortune because of course they are. Also, Violet’s traumatized by the whole idea of being a bride, after going through the wringer of her fake wedding to Olaf. Olaf put Sunny in a cage to compel her compliance, and that’s what the Big Bad in this fic does too. He says things like “You’re a sick little bitch, aren’t you? Spreading your legs for your own brother” which turns their beautiful relationship into this ugly depraved thing to be ashamed of. I mean, this guy was literally a voyeur who would watch them from his hidey-hole while they were being intimate?? My god I would feel so unclean. And the worst part is, he overheard them calling each other by their real names not their aliases, so now he knows who they are and since the Baudelaires are still on the lamb this is bad. It gets pretty dark pretty fast.

“He won't want you anymore! No one's gonna want you when we're done!"

So he kidnaps and rapes Violet. Klaus and Sunny rescue her, dispatch the villain (Klaus’s earlier “I’d do anything” for his sisters, including becoming “a thief or a murderer,” acquires sudden resonance), and that’s when fucking Count Olaf shows up!!!! These kids just cannot catch a break. Turns out the Big Bad was actually working for Count Olaf all along. Olaf’s plan is still the same plan from The Bad Beginning where he plotted to steal the Baudelaire fortune by marrying Violet. Since Count Olaf has never in his life paid a henchman a salary, he was keeping the Big Bad sweet by promising to let him ravish Violet first. Let the full enormity of that sink in. Oh wait a minute Olaf isalso bent on knocking Violet up asap so the union can’t be dissolved on non-consummation grounds, or somesuch:

"You look at me as if I were a usurper, boy, about to steal something of yours. Tell me…" He gestured at Violet. "Is she yours?"

Why would you do this to me??????? This is so, so painful. Olaf uses an electric cattle prod on Klaus and makes Violet watch??? It’s ok though the Baudelaires prevail in the end, and emerge from the bloodstained ordeal as the family they are. My kink will forever be Violet and Klaus praising each other’s bravery and resourcefulness. They! Are! So! Proud! and! Supportive! Of! Each! Other! This line from earlier in the fic gets me every time:

I’ve failed them. This was his greatest fear, worse than death or any torment fate could devise. In his head, he imagined the struggle, saw his girls beaten and shot, felt each blow and bullet as if his own body were the target instead.

Klaus Baudelaire laying down his own body between the world and his sisters is really the only thing I care about:

And then her gaze fell to the marred canvas of his body.

I bet his back is a mess of burn marks ugh. Four weeks after Violet’s discharged from the hospital (practical Violet made sure to get the green light from the medical professionals) they finally have sex again, which is a relief—after the rape they were both hesitant to initiate sex because she thought she was damaged goods and he thought she wanted space? Silly kids. Oh and and here they are being mistaken by strangers for a pair of lovebirds:

One of the women sighed dreamily. "Did you ever see a more likely pair of turtledoves?" "Of course not," Mr. Poe sputtered, dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. "The very idea!" And he excused himself hurriedly, to make some phone calls. "Don't be silly," said the other. "They're siblings. Haven't you heard? … They're the Baudelaire orphans." "Well, I daresay," the first one went on, "anyone would've taken them for sweethearts."

I CANNOT WITH THESE TWO

The Baudelaires finally, finally come into their fortune free and clear. They put on their parents’ wedding rings and move to Canada. A cat (!!!) leaves baby Beatrice II in a basket outside their front door, and that completes their family. Nobody deserves good things more than these kids, and this fic ends exactly where it ought, describing “a rural life of moral simplicity.”

I read this fic years ago and it was w i l d rereading it again, thanks for coming along for the ride. If anyone wants to scream/cry about this fic in particular, or Violet and Klaus in general, feel free to send me an ask or message me ANYTIME

#fic rec #asoue #violet x klaus #Baudelairecest

[sqwidgirl]

masterpost of iconic lines/moments in Froot (2015) by Marina and the Diamonds

Happy: 

when the chorus effect starts on the line “melted away like I was free” and my soul escaped my body, went to hell, and was immediately forgiven by the benevolent god that is marina diamandis

“I realize to be happy, maybe I need a little company” and I started crying one minute and forty seconds into the album

the sheer force with which my head was ejected from my body when she hits the high note on “I believe someone’s watching over me”

the chord changes in the bridge making me feel melancholy realness, honey

invented the piano, invented happy songs that sound sad, invented music

I’ve fallen asleep crying to this song an uncountable amount of times

Froot:

THE FUCKING BASS RIFF IN THE FIRST TWO SECONDS which precisely and methodically severed my ear canal from my cranium

everything about this song

“ju-u-u-uice, la la la la la la la” >>> the entire discography of the rolling stones, the beatles, led zeppelin, and all of your dusty-ass “iconic” faves 

the sultriness of the fucking low G she hits perfectly and consistently throughout the verses

“but I ain’t in a patient phase” probably the most iconic modern music will get

the way she sings “come on fill your cup uuuuuuuUUUUUPP” shattering my femur

“i’ve been saving all my summers for you” assassinates all of the poetry by William Shakespeare combined

every part of the second verse, especially “baby I am plump and ripe, I’m pinker than shepard’s delight, sweet like honeysuckle late at night” which was better sex-ed than I received throughout my entire adolescent academic career

“birds and worms will come for me, the cycle of life is complete” making fucking DECOMPOSITION the sexiest thing anyone has ever said in the compendium of human history

The Fucking Bridge Melody that she sings well beyond the troposphere, above the stratosphere, and sitting sexily in the mesosphere

“oh my body is ready, yeah it’s ready, yeah it’s ready”

I’m a Ruin

marina single-handedly addressing the complexities of young-adult relationships with “I could treat you better but I’m not that smart”

the insane degree to which I scream “yeah yeah, uh huh, woo hoo, yeah yeah” at the end of the chorus, thus startling my neighbors and setting off car alarms

“It’s difficult to move on when nothing was right and nothing was wrong” making me spray tears out of my eyes like a machine gun

the way the back up vocals come in on “I’ve had my share of beautiful men, but I’m still young and I want to love again”

the dichotomy of “I’ll ruin you” and “I’m a ruin” are proven to be one and the same, thus ending the careers of marriage counselors across the world

Blue

the iconic and instantly-memorable backing track

the continuity between the themes of the last song with the opening line “we’ve broken up and now I regret it”

the FORESHADOWING of “and I don’t know why but I can’t forget it” which alludes to the themes of the NEXT song, Forget, basically proving Marina doesn’t need references to any body of literature but her own goddamn songs

“gimme love, gimme dreams, gimme a good self-esteem” ejecting my wig at mach 3 into another dimension

the sheer craftsmanship of the pre-chorus, which is perfectly catchy and memorable while refraining from cliches

the way the beat picks up on the chorus and I demand my non-existent ex to “gimme one more night”

“I’m sick of looking after you, I need a man to hold on to, I’m bored of everything we do, but I just keep coming back to you” proving marina is just as fed up with fuckboys as we are, but is just as flawed and hypocritical as us, showing her imperfections and making her more worthy of our worship

ending the song on the pre-chorus like the fucking INNOVATOR of MODERN MUSIC she is??? like please tell me WHEN will your fave

Forget

this list doesn’t include the visuals from the music videos but I will make an exception for the ICONIC wig she wears in the video

the vocals for “never heal” sending me into a tailspin and crashing into a ditch at 70 mph

50% of the chorus is the word “forget” and it is STILL the height of modern literature

after her mention of an “abacus” in the second verse, abacus sales went up 2000% and surpassed their unprecedented popularity in ancient Greece

“yeah it’s time to be letting go, yeah baby you know what I’m talking about” probably the most iconique start to a bridge physically possible in this dimension

“YEAH I’VE BEEN DANCING WITH THE DEVIL I LOVE THAT HE PRETENDS TO CARE IF I’LL EVER GET TO HEAVEN WHEN A MILLION DOLLARS GETS YOU THERE OH ALL THE TIME THAT I HAVE WASTED CHASING RABBITS DOWN A HOLE WHEN I WAS BORN TO BE THE TORTOISE I WAS BORN TO WALK ALONE” is not supposed to be a high-intensity part of the song but I don’t fucking care obviously

the way she fucking develops the lyrics of the chorus throughout the song and makes each line the best life lesson you ever heard??? who is this woman?????

Gold

by FAR the most underrated song on the album for no goddamn reason like, have you demons even listened to it?? hmmmmm????

i have no idea how the accompaniment was made for the song but whoever did it was a genius and needs to be remembered for the rest of time

“doesn’t matter long as I am your star, sta-AAARRRR” melodically groundbreaking, please take notes everyone

“don’t think i want what I used to want, don’t think I need what i used to need” addressing the pains of growing out of old friendships and passions in a fun approach

“you can’t take away the Midas touch, so you better make way for a GREEK GOLD RUSH” YES MAMA REPRESENT YOUR COUNTRY LIKE THE GODDESS YOU AAAARE

knew she could rhyme “El Dorado” with “Colorado” and fucking did

the fade out at the end of the song painting her as a con-artist or corrupt gold-dealer being hauled off to jail while reveling in the near success of her schemes is what???? I C O N I C

Can’t Pin Me Down

this song is direct proof that marina is a straight up motherfucking KUNT in charge of her destiny. the album is labeled as explicit because of this ONE song and only ONE line: “you might think I’m one thing, but I am another. You can’t call my bluff, TIME TO BACKUP MOTHERFUCKER” like not only is this the most badass line in the history of language, but this line was so important to her that she made the album explicit JUST FOR THIS ONE LINE. SHE IS AN ICON. END OF STORY.

she is a feminist! BUT! “Do you really want me to write a feminist anthem, I’m happy in the kitchen cooking dinner for my husband” proving that you do NOT know this bitch. she is nothing you think she is. except that she is an I C O N.

the meter of “just another girl in the twenty-first century” has me unpredictably and immeasurably shook because she is just! that! kind! of! girl!

“You think I’m like the others, boy you need to get your eyes che-e-e-e-e-e-ecked, che-e-e-e-e-e-e-ecked” blew the skin clean off of my face

“i can be your russian doll” like,,,, gag

the entire concept and existence of this song is revolutionary and cements her position as the strongest female artist of our generation

Solitaire

holy FUCK you guys love to hate amazing songs, don’t you?? this song is without a doubt one of my favorites and you fuckers have the NERVE

the production on this song is one of a kind and continues to prove her versatility in style on this album. any reservations you had about her from electra heart better be EVAPORATED by this point.

the melodies on this song are, besides Froot, the catchiest on the album for me. they are so well crafted and inventive, i am shaking

“hard like a rock, cold like stone, white like a diamond, black like coal, cut like a jewel, yeah I repair myself when you’re not there” is such an amazing pre-chorus for this song like it could no possibly be better than that

the way the mood shifts from the verse to the chorus cut off my arms with raw blunt force

the flourish on the line “and I’ll admit all I wanna do is get drunk and silent” gave me an aneurysm

holy fucking SHIT the end of the bridge is for sure a highlight on the album. “but I’m not cursed, i’m not cursed, I was just covered in dirt” like damn marina go all the way off

the extra-dimensional high notes on this song are second to none, babes

Better Than That

“You’re just another in a long line of men she screwed” is the FUCKING WAY TO START A SONG, GIRLS. ARE YOU JOTTING THIS DOWN??

“So why’s she looking like a cat who got the cream?” ugh marina is so perfect I cannot deal with this bitch anymore

the sheer vocal talent on the chorus, like how high can this girl go? someday she’s going to rupture my eardrums and I will thank her personally

“with an angel voice, devil in disguise” the vocal production for this is perfect and successfully made me shit myself

“and she’ll network till her dreams come true, even if it means getting in a bed with you” miss marina is out for BLOOD everyone, the music industry is cowering in fear of her objective talent and lack of fucks

“i’m not passing judgment on her sexual life, I’m passing judgement on the way she always stuck her knife in my back” whoever this woman is she is getting READ for FILTH by lady diamandis and you all need to watch your backs

Weeds

this song is straight out of a sappy rom-com and I am fully living for it

“but it keeps growing back like WEEDS” I am currently screaming please give me a moment

“and God knows what sex is, a way to feel a bit, a little bit less lonely” marina chose sex to be a prominent theme on this album but she has shown she can handle it in the moment mature way any woman in the industry can. it’s subtle, it’s methodical, it isn’t vulgar, it’s just straight real and honest and such an important thing to discuss! this song is another aspect of how sex can be important in our lives. she better preach tbh

the aesthetics can reserved character on this song are a beautiful contrast that the album needed. filler tracks who???

Savages

full disclosure, this song blew a hole right through my body with the sheer impact of its lyrics and chorus

there are so many fucking good lyrics on this song, it’s truly baffling that anyone has a career in the music industry after this was dropped

“I’m not afraid of God, I am afraid of man” I am Screeching

the first beat of the chorus, my bodily fluids are already dripping from the ceiling and my bones are crushed into a fine powder

“underneath it all, we’re just savages hidden behind shirts, ties, and marriages” she is prophet, the chosen one, the woman who will deliver us from our mortal coils

“another day, another tale of rape, another ticking bomb to bury deep and detonate” Marina is fully aware of the important problems our nation is facing at the time the album was released and even to today. she isn’t a shallow artist like the persona she created in electra heart, she has become almost the exact opposite. She is taking on these issues with a clear judgment and grace and I am so proud and appreciative of her work.

“are you killing for yourself or killing for your savior?” YES YOU BETTER ASSASSINATE THESE MOTHERFUCKERS

the buildup in the last chorus to the E T H E R E A L ending is clearly the climax of modern pop music

Immortal

you could play this song for me and tell me it’s a message from an angel and I would 200% believe you

the melody on this track is so fucking pristine it’s like a glacier melting in your mouth

it continues the themes of humanity from Savages but looks at a completely different issue about it. this album is cohesive, planned out, and a complete and full body of work

the moment the chorus hits with “I’m forever chasing after time” my limbs are being forcibly extended by a device of love and torture

“but if the earth ends in fire, and the seas are frozen in time, there will be just one survivor, the memory that I was yours and you were mine” ok not kidding anymore this is STRAIGHT up MOTHER fucking POETIC genius and innovation at its most concentrated and talented moment

when she says “twice” on the high note in the chorus, it’s like the most beautiful bell shattering in my ear, tbqh

THE FUCKING BRIDGE is actual art. “I just wanna be able to say the I live my life” the way she executes this melody is cold-blooded and frankly she should be charged with manslaughter for it

bottom line, Marina Diamandis released the biggest breakthrough in pop music to date in 2015 and all of you demons let it flop. if you have the nerve to call this album a failure, I have literally 0 respect for you and no one is ever going to love you

#marina and the diamonds #marina diamandis #froot #i am obviously very passionate about this album

[allineednow]

<p>The Gay Cousin's Holiday Survival Guide</p>

I know there are others like me out there. If, during the holidays, you're the only person who's wearing a sweater with a V-neck so profound it can quote Shakespeare by heart, singing along to Mariah's "All I Want for Christmas is You," or uttering the phrase, "I love a kitchen island,"-- you're The Gay Cousin™. But fret not, we've compiled a guide that will help you survive any uncomfortable social situation that may arise as a consequence of coming .

This goes without saying but: booze.

Not only does alcohol dilute the first anxiety and/or tension you may feel upon engaging in a family gathering, additionally, it helps take the edge off when your teenage cousin asks you if you're the "boy or girl" in your relationship. Moreso, the time-honored phrase, "so, who needs another drink?" , is a terrific buffer for when Aunt Linda brings up People's Sexiest Man Alive, brazenly declaring, "Blake Shelton is 1 DELICIOUS DISH, AMIRITE?" While single-handedly gesturing towards you. But shy away from getting so inebriated you create a spectacle -- unless your scene comprises a DIY-rendition of Maleficent's horns, then by all means, do it.

Threaten to maintain your aunt's Yankee Candles hostage if she, once more, proposes to set you up with someone she knows who also happens to be homosexual.

This is a hallmark of the queer experience. Your family and friends , albeit well-meaning, will try to set you up with another person they know, basing compatibility on the fact that you two share the same sexual orientation after you come out. Should you kindly turn the deal thrice down, it is acceptable to undermine the well-being of the coveted decor of the house after the next time. If you're really feeling Godfather-y, hog-tie the inflatable Santa at the front yard before your family gathering to send a message.

Shout "I LOVE THIS SONG", run and turn up whatever song Spotify is playing to max volume, and then hurl yourself out the window when one of your extended family members from Florida asks you how you found out you're gay.

After you come out to your family you might be asked a slew of questions, which is great because that means. But sometimes, these questions approach the vicinity of ludicrous, and sometimes an eyeroll just is not enough, prompting a response that some might consider "extreme" or "if we call an ambulance?"

"Stop, drop and roll" is not exclusive to fire safety protocol.

It should be used when:

- Someone asks you if you've found that "special person" in your own life

-When someone consistently emphasizes the word "fabulous" near you

-When you were told by someone they've found your Twitter

Gently remind your Uncle Todd you're still a gay when he gives you a gift card to Eastern Mountain Sports for the 11th year in a row.

Just like there's at least one Gay Cousin™ in each family, there's also occasionally at least one relative who continues to believe it is "just a phase" when it comes to your sexual orientation. The subtext will be in tiny exchanges, verbal and present even though they may not state this on your face.

Loudly discuss your fetish for wax play while lassoing the Bible around your mind when someone uses religion as a scapegoat for their bigoted views.

This happens all year round, but it is particularly dreadful when this happens when you're like, "hey, can you pass the green bean casserole," and you're Uncle Moe answers with, "THOU SHALT NOT LIE WITH ANOTHER MAN" and "LADY GAGA IS A DEVIL-WORSHIPPER" and then slips you a get-out-of-hell-free card once you really just needed a scoop of mac n’cheese. Remedy this situation by living your truth proud and loud! Or go out for a cig. Whatever. I have the grace I don't understand why I was permitted to write this.

Damage control: when a person casually drops a slur.

So someone slips a slur. This can't go unnoticed. If you explain why they can't say their display of ignorance and they try to shield themselves and what they just said, it might be time to consider choices, if things go from bad to worse. If the drama escalates to the point of no return, diffuse the situation by repeatedly yelling "POTSTICKERS" while clapping for every syllable. They will be so confused and flustered that they will forget what they were even talking about and be like "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?" And you'll just keep shouting "POTSTICKERS" and clapping and continue doing this while slowly backing towards the door. It's better to just walk away!

If you can't cook, stir the pot.

Simply fill the stockings of everyone with PrEp a day and call it.

[egooksconnolly]

Woman Finds Lingerie Tag That Teaches Her She’s Been Wearing Her Bra All Wrong For Years

Most of our daily morning routine is a reflex. Like hitting the snooze button on that goddamned alarm clock. Or brushing teeth. Or even reading the newspaper on the toilet seat, if that kind of thing still happens because you know, smartphones. The point is, we almost never stop to think that the way we carry out these chores is right or wrong.

And why should you?

There is no ‘different’ way to put on a t-shirt, jeans, or even a bra, right?

WRONG!

Okay, not wrong as far as jeans and t-shirts are concerned. You never find a set of instructions on their tags. You just slip ‘em on. What’s there to think? But it’s definitely wrong when it comes to the omnipresent, the sexiest of the sexiest clothes, the holier than thou, the first of its name – the BRA!

And yes, bras apparently do come with a set of instructions on their tags! If only you’d care to read it (cue eye rolling).

Well, while most of us lesser mortals haven’t even bothered checking the bra tag, of course apart from looking at the price or to simply tear it off, one woman decided it was actually time to read what it said.

Enter Brittany Packnett! This woman from the U.S. is single-handedly responsible for making every woman rethink the way she puts on a bra and with good reason.

When she came across the instructions titled, ‘How to put on a bra’ that came along with the said piece of lingerie she had purchased from an online lingerie store, ThirdLove, she didn’t hesitate to share it with the Twitteraties.

And these instructions weren’t only an eye opener for her, they were the same for the countless other women who came across Packnett’s tweet.

Unfortunately, most of us are so accustomed to the way we put on our bras and the resultant fitting that we end up assuming this must be the right way to do it. However, the way your bra fits you is just its way of telling you that, “Ma’am, you really need to know that I’m not being able to contain your lady parts well enough.”

Luckily, the tag, in this case, shed some light on the question of what, indeed, is the right way to wear a bra?

And the answer came in the form of Brittany’s now viral tweet, which she captioned, “I’ve been putting on my bras wrong for twenty years. You probably have, too.”

Brittany Packnett, who describes herself as an activist, educator, and speaker, explains that at first, she didn’t think anything about the tag. “I was like…’girl bye I been doin this’ and popped on.” But then she changed her mind and decided she had to read what the tag said.

And what did the tag say? Well, you can see for yourself in the picture below!

Credit: @MsPackyetti

After seeing those instructions, Brittany couldn’t help but admit that she was wrong. She confessed that she was in the habit of clasping her bra in the middle hook and it never occurred to her that the lowest hook is actually correct and that she has to place her breasts in the cup.

Credit: @ThirdLove [Twitter]

Although, others were a bit shocked by this discovery of clasping on the loosest hook!

Credit: @devtronactivate & @MsPackyetti [Twitter]

However, Third Love recommends you do just that as wearing the wrong-sized bra, as well as wearing it incorrectly, can cause you discomfort and reduce the lifespan of your bra.

Other bra-makers agree and explain that materials used in making a bra have the tendency to stretch over time.

So, by wearing your bra on the tightest hook, you speed up the loosening, thereby decreasing your bra’s shelf life.

Even the strap of your bra should be worn at its loosest, ideally when you start wearing a new bra. Once the elastic in the straps start wearing out, they won’t be able to support your breasts well. This is when you should tighten them so that you can get the right fit even when your bra gets old.

However, if you are in the habit of wearing your bra on tight hooks with tightened up straps, chances are you are wearing the wrong size. And here’s how you can find that out.

When slipping on your bra, wear a tight, cotton tee over it. Cotton clings to your skin, which makes it a good judge of fit.

If your bra doesn’t show under tee at all, you’re wearing the right bra. However, if it shows, i.e. appears too tight or is gaping, you need to change the size of your bra to the perfect fit.

All in all, Brittany’s tweet got a lot of positive response. And after viewing her tweet, other women came forward with their suggestions and tips too.

Now it’s your duty to do good and let the other women in your life know how to wear a bra the right way by sharing this post. They’ll be more than thankful once they find out the joys of wearing a bra that’s actually comfortable!

The post Woman Finds Lingerie Tag That Teaches Her She’s Been Wearing Her Bra All Wrong For Years appeared first on STYLECRAZE.

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