#but was stopped from winning bc someone went infinite

[peofun1]

let's talk about how I made an "equines" deck (unicorns, pegasi, horses, ect) kind of as a meme deck but it actually goes fucking crazy

Lathiel is the commander and there's nothing quite like playing a lame 2/2 lifelink pegasus, and then a few turns later it's an 8/8 flier and if it attacks I can make it a 16/16

#in our first game i played felidar sovereign and became A Problem #but was stopped from winning bc someone went infinite #in the second game i got Crested Sunmare to stick around #and just started pumping out huge indestructible horses to run over the game #like I could take out the bad unicorns and just make it a lifegain/counters deck with way better creatures #but making a bad unicorn into a huge lifelink threat is part of the fun to me #mtg #ramblings

[raayllum]

thinking about these lines in particular bc good god, man

Karim’s sure fire focus on the end, so much like Viren, where he only sees his people restored through his own glorious hand because the end is all that matters, even as a child to adulthood:

Karim could see that line, unprotected and waiting for him. They only needed to reach it. [...] He had memorized the runes. The spell, its words, its motions. He had visualized it countless times: the orb restored by his hand in a display of magic so brilliant it would light the city’s poisoned sky like a golden sunrise.

The persistent idea of loss and how he rails against it (which, no wonder the Soul Candle ceremony is so important, when he lost a friend recently too alongside his eldest sister)

Stars. Just stars, obviously (+ bonus “game motif” of playing a game as children, and then it’s very much not to boot / “yes, mages were his prey”)

WHAM. Someone slammed into Karim’s side. He went down hard. But we’re going to win, he thought, blinking stars out of the noon sun. Someone tore the banner from his grasp. We have to win. 

We have to win, Karim told himself. The writhing, tainted darkness of Lux Aurea’s night sky spread infinitely above him, the stars all swallowed up inside it.

They did not stop until they reached a dry riverbed far, far past the last of Lux Aurea’s golden gates. They could see the stars again, the violet tinge of twilight behind them. It would be dawn soon. 

Never mind that nothing good ever happens at dawn in this show (Sarai and the queens of duren’s deaths, Callum’s possession, etc) + bonus river/water motif (although it’s dry). 

Tainted by darkness, corruption, continually (“the writhing, tainted darkness of Lux Aurea”)

At dusk, every shadowed corner of Lux Aurea erupted with—he struggled to find words for them—monsters. Some of them he could almost call familiar, like horses and banthers, but they were changed. Like the sun orb itself, the abominations rippled with corruption, with tainted magic so vile that light itself seemed to bend to avoid its touch.

After darkness, light. [...] He hardly heard her. I can save him, Karim thought. I can save all of us. Nothing is lost! Karim’s mind raced and found a light to cling to: the spell—the cleansing spell!

Which also fits with his emphasis on light (and tradition) in his original short story from Vol. 1, “The Queen’s Soul”:

Karim’s chest tightened. “It is never too late. We must honor our traditions, now and always! They are the light that will guide our way out of this darkness.”

Janai spoke with a brutal honesty that cut him like a blade. “Her soul – it is lost.”

“No. It merely waits, Sister. It waits for us,” Karim urged. “We must guide her back to the Sun.”

The constant emphasis and comparisons to sickness and infection, also tying in lines from the Book One novelization in terms of how the Moonshadow elves respond to Rayla: 

“Your wound,” announced Tijana, staggering away from Osato. “That’s— that must be how it spreads. Like an infection!” [...] The corruption wriggled like worms under his skin, snaking further with every beat of his heart, down towards his hand and up to his shoulder. “Cut it off,” he shouted. “Cut off my arm, before it spreads!”

"Runaan, you know that weakness is an infection," the third elf said so angrily he was spitting. "You must cut it out!" (book one novelization)

He could still see it: the top of the Sunforge Tower, upside-down from where he lay, shrouded in inky corruption. It looked ill, its sickness weeping red and crowning the spire in a haze of blood. [...] All around them, he could hear the sound of battle down every alleyway, around every corner, the worst of the bloodshed mercifully shrouded by the night’s darkness. How many had they already lost? Karim felt sick, desperate, weak. [...] Karim took a last look back at the ailing heart of Lux Aurea atop the Sunforge Tower.

Which, continual heart motif even over storms, thank you kindly, as well as the red equalling sickness, and Karim literally putting on the red glove of his sick, dead friend by the end of the story. 

Karim waited until he could no longer hear the sound of her boots before he let himself weep. He wept for Osato as he buried him, marking his grave with a circle of stones. He wept for his city, his people, and the darkness struck deep into their hearts.

As well as Karim’s parallels to Claudia - the younger sibling, unable to accept change, unable to accept that they cannot save everyone they love with their magic, likewise poisoned with sickness and corruption and losing/finding  (“Stay safe, and stay in the light. Don’t follow me, and don’t look for me. I don’t think you’ll find me, anyway.” Dear Callum)

The corrupted elves drew closer. Osato stepped towards them, a desperate captain reaching for his soldiers, but Tijana seized Osato by the arm. “Don’t. They are lost. But we’re still alive.”

“Lost? They are our kin! They are not dead!” Karim protested. “They might still be saved! All of us can still be saved! We must—”

“I will banish that darkness,” Karim swore to Osato’s grave. “I swear it, Osato. Lux Aurea will not die with you. We will be whole again. By the Sun, we will be whole.”

And last but not least because TDP hates me, specifically

Karim stepped towards them, peering closely, and his eyes fell upon Osato’s wound. The moon, he realized, had played a cruel trick. Osato’s blood was not simply dark in the moonlight… It was black.

as well as

“Do not speak as if you mourn him!” Karim snapped, overcome. “You killed him!”

Tijana spoke softly, almost at a whisper. “He was my friend.”

Anyway this short story was extremely fucked and i am both scared and excited to see the literal ramifications it has for both the Sunfire elves and Janai/Amaya and Karim, as well as the possible broader implications for S5, dark magic, Aaravos, and possession plot line as a whole

#prince karim #tdp #tdp shorts #parallels #arc 2 #s4 #mine #mini meta #analysis series #analysis #light and darkness motif #almost was thinking about making a tag for TDP's dealing with sickness/corruption so we're getting #closer and closer to having one lads #dark magic #tdp karim #the dragon prince

[gingerxarmy]

Thoughts  Reader x driver

This isn’t for one specific driver bc I didn’t use any names. I hope you enjoy! 

Words;1018  

Warnings: non i believe - angsty?   

***

The freedom was infinite, the rush from adderaline was washing over him where he was strapped to his seat. The tiers and the car felt like it was on rails. Never had he felt such at ease and such high on adderaline like he was right now. Nothing could take this away from him. Or so he thought. 

He could feel his heartbeat stop for a second. The sinking feeling from the loss of control as the panic starts to rise. The seconds started to go slowly and the wait for the impact felt like hours. He tense his body and closes his eyes. Now, he thinks before the blackness takes over when he feels the impact of the wall. 

***

The roars from the audience makes you think it’s a win and not a crash. Your eyes are glued to the screen when you see his car lose its grip when one of his competitors tries to defend his spot. One wrong move and his car flies over the gravel, not even trying to slow down it’s speed before you can see the dust from where his car now stands. Everything quiets down, you can't hear anything, everything stops as you stand there, watching the scene in front of you. He’s supposed to be out of the car by now. The sentence goes on repeat in your head as you feel someone grabbing you by your arm, trying to get you away from the screen. 

By now the marshals are by his side, trying to help him get out, his race-engineer trying to get a sound from him, anything, something. You can feel how the panic starts to rise, why is he still in the car? Why ain’t he out? Is he hurt? Snap out of it! He’s fine! You try everything to get happy, strong, thoughts in your head. Trying to not believe the worst. He’s one of the strongest, if not the strongest, person you know. He can handle everything. But can you?

You move away from the screen when the medicalcar pulls up, you can’t see when they try to get his body out of the car. You can’t see what your mind is trying to paint out for you to think. He’s fine, he’s just hurt. Nothing more, nothing less. Tears are streaming down your face, they have probably done that since his car first lost its grip on the asphalt after the collision. When that was, you have no idea. If someone asked you now how long it was since he ended up in the wall you would say hours. It really felt like the incident has been forever. But you could guess it’s only been a maximum of five minutes by now.  

You snap out of your thoughts when applause breaks the tension in the room. You turn around and your eyes land on the screen, he’s out, he’s waving. He’s being moved to ambulanse you missed got to him. He’s alive, he’s alive and awake, he’s waving. Your tears who stream down now are happy ones. 

***

It hurts. Everything hurts like he’s been disassembled and then glued back again, but the body parts are in the wrong places. How did he end up here? How does the feeling of being at his best, the feeling of peace, end up in just pain? Why was he alone? He didn’t want to be alone right now. The white room screams failure in his face. He wasn’t good enough to see what was supposed to happen and now here he was, in a bed at a hospital in a foreign country. Why couldn't he be better?

The knock on his door startles him but he sees his trainer enter the room with pain in his eyes. He can’t look into them without feeling worse. How many did he scare, how many thought he was unconscious, not that he wasn’t, but he could have said something sooner when he actually regained his consciousness. Just a sound, for everyone so they knew he was alive, fine even. He didn’t know why they did bring him to an actual hospital when he felt perfectly fine. Maybe a little sore, but that’s normal after a session.

He couldn’t get himself to answer or even listen to his trainer when he talked. He just layed there, watching the leaves on the tree outside of his window. Thinking about her, how did she react to his pathetic crash? It was pathetic, how couldn’t it be. It was a simple mistake that could have been avoided if he had got his head in the race. Not get his thoughts stuck on the feeling of flying. It was fun now. Because he did fly. He flew over the gravel and into the wall. Pathetic. This whole day was pathetic. He wanted her and he wanted her by his side now. 

***

You got into the first car who would get you to him. You and his race engineer got there together, no one said a thing, too deep in thought. How would he be feeling? Was he in a lot of pain? Was he still conscious? Everything was spinning, too many thoughts were going at a hundred miles per hour in your head, giving you a headache. The car ride to the hospital went by quickly and you almost ran into the hospital, asking where you were supposed to go to find him. You quickly forgot about his race-engineer who was so kind to drive you to him. But you wanted him, no, need him. You need to know that he’s fine. 

Outside of his hospital room you stop. Could you see him now, how will you react? How will he react? With unsteady hands, too many thoughts and a speeding heart you open the door which separates the two of you. You let out a shaky breath and a nervous chuckle when you meet his eyes. A small smile forms on his lips and you can feel tears escape your eyes from relief. He’s fine, your thousand thoughts can calm down.   

#lando norris #lando norris imagine #lando norris blurb #formula one #formula one imagine #fanficiton #lando norris fanfiction #max verstappen #max verstappen imagine #max verstappen one shot #formula one one shot #formula one fanfiction #formula one imaagine #f1 imagine #f1driver #reader #pierre gasly #charles leclerc #daniel ricciardo

[soooldout]

201027 Sungyeol is Back Vlive with Sunggyu

He started the show with a military style greeting, and then continued with 'hello everyone, I'm Infinite's Sungyeol!'

He said that it was awkward for him to host the show alone, so he invited a special guest…Infinite's Sunggyu!

SG: *greets*

SY: whoaaa an idol an idol

He said that it was awkward when he was in the military, when he and his military fellows watched TV together and saw Sunggyu wishing the Infinite members who were in the military strength “I saw someone who I usually saw on a daily basis on TV! I didn't know what to feel. You knew how we feel and yet you said something like that jokingly”

SG: I really meant to give you strength though, not to tease you!

SG: How do you feel now

Sungyeol said he got discharged from military and society in general was awkward for him …he's still trying to get used to being a part of society (and not 'isolated' when he's in the military) He was doing whatever he was told and now after so long he can do whatever he wants

SG: Do you want me to order you around then? (afkljdsg;h)

Sungyeol said that he regretted that he didn’t follow Sunggyu when he enlisted. He thought that it would’ve been much better to go through the hardship with Sunggyu by his side

Sunggyu said he had recommended to all members to go enlist together but either Woohyun/Sungyeol said "Hyung, just go first~ we'll go later"

They argued a bit about the above and Sungyeol said, you want us to fight in front of the fans?

More bickering: They almost missed the vlive today coz Sungyeol was late to go to the hair salon, yeol is saying he ordered food and went to change and when he came back to the food he only found half of it…Sunggyu ate it and didn’t wait for him jaslkf;gs

Q: What is something you wanted to tell fans as soon as you get discharged?

SY: The fact that I cried..I found a side of me that I didn’t even know existed

Sungyeol said that he earned 7 minutes of phonecall after going through training for a month, and he called Sunggyu, his mom, CEO but no one picked up because it was an unknown number. He cried as he missed everyone so much. "I didn’t know that I was that much of a crybaby until then”

Sunggyu cried once, Woohyun cried a lot after enlisting too :(

Sunggyu’s finishing up the last performances of Kinky Boots and prepping for online concert.

They asked when is Halloween is then Sungyeol said Daeyeol asked him if it's ok for him to cosplay as Sungyeol for Halloween. Gyuyeol then said then Sungyeol can cosplay as Daeyeol for halloween, and sungyeol/'daeyeol' can 'join' golden child lmao

Q: 10 years ago after military you said you wanted to try trot, do you still have that thought now?

Sungyeol said he had that thought but the ceo turned it down. Sunggyu added that the ceo had his best interest in mind as trot may not be the best for his image. Sungyeol said he was ahead of his time because trot is the trend nowadays. Sunggyu agreed.

SY: if there's a chance I still wanna try (…….let him do what he wants please you haven’t learned your lesson yet ljy its been 10 yrs….)

Q: when did you miss your family the most?

SY: the moment I went in I missed everyone. not just my family.

SG: when did you miss/think of Sunggyu the most?

SY: The first day I was in the military!

He said pretty much every time Sunggyu did something, he thought 'did Sunggyu-hyung do this? did Sunggyu-hyung do that?'

Q: when in the military, when did you feel 'ah I’m part of Infinite'?

SY: basically said as soon as I entered. During the basic military training ceremony they even played Infinite songs, and everyone who saw me would do the naekkohaja gesture

Q: It would be good if you could do a solo fanmeet/album, when will that be?

SY: I would like that too, but I just finished military service (Sunggyu shot him saying that he could have started planning for this when he's still enlisted lmao and that he can do an online concert now)

Before enlisting Sungyeol said he'll try to be active on social media more frequently/longer, but he said he doesn’t know how to do it for a long time? Someone suggested in the comments to learn from Woohyun (yes please)

Sungyeol and Sungjong (or Woohyun? Not sure there are different translations for this part) lived in the same building. Sungyeol said Sungjong is so talkative these days, and he’s bored. He talked about how Sungjong suddenly came over to his place with coffee for him, ever since that day he's been going over to Sungyeol's place for meals almost everyday

Now that Sungyeol is discharged he was visiting his family and settling his own stuff. One day Sungjong asked him what he's doing, and that day Sungyeol happened to plan to visit his grandparents and sungjong went “OH REALLY? I WANNA GO TOO!”

Sungyeol thought, ok there's a familiar visitor his family would be glad to see him too. Turns out Sungjong was busily chatting nonstop during the entire 3 hour journey down (this is the cutest thing ever please)

Sungyeol is thankful that Sunggyu talked him out of enlisting in the navy

Q: did you count down to your discharge date?

SY: for these kind of things, time goes faster when you don’t keep thinking about it!

He also said that there were times even he doesn’t remember how many days he has left but when he searched his name you could see the "d-XXX" too

SG: Dongwoo’s discharge is on the 15th the same day as my online concert

SY: then we can do this together

SG: why me

SY: are you not Infinite?

SG: I am Infinite. I am Infinite’s leader!

SY: Then why don’t you want to do it

SG: Why are you making the decision alone!

gyuyeol just did a brief explanation/disclaimer that they may sound like they're quarrelling but it's basically just excited conversations because they haven’t hung out like this for a while 😊

SG: What does MBTI stand for?

SY: Mental Brain Tie/Tee Eye (lmaoo)

Sungyeol said he will do the test sometime.

*Sungyeol talking, Sunggyu reaches over to get food*

SY: excuse me I'm talking and you're eating??????

SG: Everyone we almost couldn’t make it for the live because Sungyeol was late! he left the shop at 6:30 and our live's at 7! He was eating too!

SY: I WAS NOT LATE that was my first meal! –

SY: and it’s been so long since I got to meet the fans so I wanted to do my hair nicely. And I didn’t even finish my food

Question about mint chocolate

Sungyeol doesn’t eat sweet stuff - chocolate/mint chocolate, cream etc. (for health reasons apparently)

Sungyeol talked about how well Sunggyu did in Kinky Boots

Q: to Sungyeol, musical <Return> is?

SY: a place where I can meet Sunggyu and it was an adventure for me and I met fans through it too

sg promoting <The Day> (his online concert) then said Sungyeol said he's gonna be present too so let's see whether he'll keep his promise

SY: of course. What shall we do when I’m there?

SG: ...let's have a meal?!?! (ok…lmao)

someone mentioned 'tell me 1st promise'

SY: do you remember?

SG: no. you're the one who said it

SY: ah was it the choochoo (train) one?

SG: you can do it (since you're the one who proposed it)

There was some chaos at this point with Sungyeol talking over him and Sunggyu said ‘ok Noisy’ kjlsgf;hgdkk

The following story was mentioned in the 10th anniversary live with Kim bros as well lmao he really won’t let this go:

There was a time when they went to a beach in Thailand and Sunggyu didn’t wanna go into the water because his condition was not good and he didn’t like water etc and Namu and Yeol went up and asked if he wanna go in but he said no. Namu left him alone but then Yeol went something like "LOL YEAH RIGHT" and threw Sunggyu into the water. And he lost his ring so he got really mad.

SG: I told you not to do it!

SY: You always say ‘no’…I thought you were lying and I was young and just wanted to do it

SG: Next time just listen to me

Q: What do you think about doing an exercising broadcast

SG: Yes, can you show your six pack…

SY: No, not to that extent

Q: what was the reason you became obsessed with working out?

SY: there wasn’t really a reason, simply because I did it regularly. e.g. regularly working out for a period of time then stopping, ~6 months later I was regularly working out again so I thought I might as well just make it a regular thing

SG: but what made you start?

*more bickering*

SY: it’s because you told me I have small shoulders

SY: Wow all we have done for an hour is fight

They talked about younger idols covering their songs and how amazed they were. They said thank you to everyone 💛

Q: Any fun incident from the military?

SG: The military is not fun as you guys think

SY: When I enlisted, the leader told the other soldiers not to pay attention to Sungyeol (As he is an idol and to not bother him) but that made him feel kind of lonely (aww)

Q: choose between going back to the military again or trainee days again?

SY: Wow. this is like asking to choose dad or mom

He chose trainee because he did his military really well so if he were to do it again he doesn’t know if he can do it as well as the first time. but he has lots of 'I could’ve done it better' moments during his trainee days so he'd rather do trainee period again and this time do it better

He said that when they were trainees, they were laying down on a rooftop watching the sky and saw fireworks. Apparently, there was Dream Concert happening nearby. He wondered if they would be able to perform at Dream Concert too someday (TT)

Q: Was there anything different about what you heard about the military and when you're actually there?

SY: the fact that I have to take care of myself more

Q: the thing you wanted to do the most in the military

SY said having a different exercise routine (bc you do the same thing everyday in military? idk)

sg: to Sungyeol, what is exercising?

SY: Something I have to do everyday

He said gyu turned him into a sinner on broadcast by saying that Sungyeol forced him to exercise (lmaooo)

Sungyeol's 'to-do' list:

- MBTI

- tell me 'choo-choo' win promise (YES FINALLY ITS BEEN 2.5 YRS)

- go on a trip

- do a dance from his musical audition

Sungyeol said when Sunggyu's enlistment had less than 100 days left, Sungyeol put some distance from Sunggyu because he was afraid if he was too close with gyu till he finished his military then he'd feel lonely when gyu discharged.

Then Sunggyu said "oh you're weaker than I expected"

 SY to SG: I wasn’t like you who had the thought of ‘when else will I be able to eat this much?’ In the military, I always kept in mind to manage myself, how to look even better when I get discharged

SG: but.. you ate chicken with mee?? (haha cuute)

SG: *reads out a question about Yeol performing as Freddie Mercury*

SY: *drinking water* *chokes* Someone took a video of that???

SG: Sungyeol prepared so hard for that performance when he doesn’t prepare that hard for our concerts..

Sungyeol wanted to do the men's health magazine photoshoot too he's sad he wasn't given that opportunity. (you can do it now…do everything now while Sunggyu has power)

Comment about how good he looks in his military uniform, and Sungyeol said, yes I know

Q: When do you miss the members most

SY: I saw Sunggyu and Woohyun quite a bit…the thing I miss most is the end of year fanmeeting and doing the New Year countdown together

They showed the cake that said ‘Let’s protect Inspirits now instead of the country’ and Sunggyu said to cheer for Sungyeol a lot

💛💛💛

Translations from yeolsprout, Lusneverland, naggyu, hoslastjuliet, jibeomiejjang on Twitter

#I love seven boys #so much #very long post but very worth it <3 #sunggyu #sungyeol #infinite #translations #sungyeol is back #gyuyeol

[seizasa-a]

(   PROMPT   )

@daybreakrising​​ WROTE :

five times kissed [Kiba & Hina? if you want!]

(   under read more bc Long   )

—— —   ONE   .

The first time was an ACCIDENT   ,   she swore on her life   .      It was meant to be on the cheek   —— —   a completely &&. acceptably friendly thing to do when one’s teammate presented the home-made meals his mother had so kindly prepared for all four of them   (   Kurenai Sensei included   )   that day   .      She hadn’t announced her intention   ,   of course   ;   the thought hadn’t even crossed her mind   ,   so when she leaned in to deliver her thanks   ,   Kiba’s head turned unexpectedly   .

It was kind of painful   ,   actually   .      A little like getting SMACKED IN THE FACE with someone else’s face   .      They had both staggered backward in surprise   ,   Hinata’s hands rising to cover her mouth as a deep blush rose to her cheeks   .      She stuttered out a squeaky apology through her fingers   ,   which meant that she could barely be heard beyond incoherent mumbling   ,   &&. it didn’t help matters when she turned around to face away from him   ,   hiding her face in embarrassment   .      It was all a good joke to the others   ,   but it took her quite a long time to recover from that fumble   .

—— —   TWO   .

The second time   . . .   was not an accident   ,   per se   ,   but it wasn’t intentional   ,   either   .      Kiba had come to her with an excitedly rushed explanation of this RIDICULOUS GAME he claimed to have learned from Naruto   .      She couldn’t possibly remember what he had rambled off so quickly now   ,   but she did remember how he had stuck the end of a pocky stick between her lips while she was still LOST IN CONFUSION   ,   gently bit onto the other end with a wild grin on his face   ,   &&. asked her if she were ready   .

No   ,   as it turned out   ,   she wasn’t   .      Nothing could have prepared her for when he began rapidly chomping down on the pocky   ,   moving closer &&. closer while Hinata was frozen in place   .      That is   ,   until he got a little too close &&. she panicked in her rising embarrassment   ,   attempting to shuffle backward in all her GRACELESS CLUMSINESS   .      He was already leaning in for that last piece stuck between her lips that   ,   for whatever reason   ,   she didn’t think to simply drop or swallow then &&. there   .

One thing led to another &&. suddenly she was lying on the ground   ,   eyes squeezed shut   ,   &&. a weight on top of her   .      Not only that   ,   but the distinct pressure against her lips had not gone unnoticed either   .      She was too afraid to open her eyes   ,   her face felt much   ,   much too hot   ,   &&. quite honestly she was still reeling from the fall   .      Before she’d completely processed everything that had happened   ,   though   ,   Kiba peeled himself off of her with a chuckle   ,   hovering above her with his hands braced on the ground on either side of her   .      She finally cracked open her eyes just enough to see that grin still in place on his face   ,   albeit this time with a VICTORIOUS EDGE   .

❝      I win   .      ❞

—— —   THREE   .

The third time was undeniably on purpose   ,   though perhaps not entirely a conscious decision   .      Or a good one   ,   for that matter   .      It wasn’t long after she had been   ❛   relieved   ❜   of her status as heiress to the Hyuga Clan   .      It hadn’t yet hit her what no longer having that responsibility on her shoulders would mean &&. she was still very much in the throes of depression &&. self - hatred for being unable to live up to her father’s expectations   .

She had failed   .      It was decided   .      She was worthless   .

As fate was prone to do when she had her solitary episodes of despondency that had always seemed to happen far too often   ,   she was discovered by someone despite her best attempts at hiding   .      She wished people would stop looking for her when she disappeared   .      She wished they would just ignore her   .      It was so easy for everyone to do when she was actually around   ,   so why was it different when she wanted to be alone   ?

It didn’t help that it was Kiba   .      If it were Shino   ,   she might have had an easier time being seen like this   .      Shino was quiet &&. never said much unless prompted   .      Hinata could almost pretend he wasn’t there when he stumbled upon her in these situations &&. had effectively convinced herself of it after the fact on occasion just for her own PEACE OF MIND   .

Kiba   ,   on the other hand   ,   was impossible to ignore   .      His presence was always so noticeable   ,   so significant   .      Not that that was a bad thing   ,   but it made it infinitely more difficult to tell herself that his memory of seeing her like this would be as FORGETTABLE as she was   .

Nonetheless he tried to comfort her   .      It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate it   —— —   truly   ,   she did   —— —   but she hated feeling like this &&. being a burden on others because of it   .      Somehow these thoughts had managed to slip past her lips unbidden &&. that certainly got his attention   .      He had grabbed her chin   ,   the other hand on her shoulder   ,   &&. forced her to look at him so that he could tell her directly to her face that she was &&. never would be a burden for simply having emotions   .

Something about the way he said it gave her pause   .      It wasn’t that nobody had ever told her that before   (   in fact   ,   she was pretty sure someone always gave her some similar reassurance at least once during these talks she hated so much   )   but it was the look in his eyes   ,   the way they seemed to catch the light at just the right angle   ,   &&. the firm hold he had on her as if he had put all the conviction in the world into those words   .

It was an impulse   .      He reminded her of someone else   .      She was hurting &&. she knew that didn’t excuse it   ,   but that was the reality in that moment   .      She was the one who leaned forward this time   ,   tearful eyes closed   ,   heart racing   ,   aching   .      &&. this time   ,   he was the one who gently pushed her away   .

Before she could let that sink in &&. devolve into even more of a mess than she already was   ,   he pulled her into a hug instead   .      Kiba always gave the best hugs   .      Somehow   ,   it was better this way   ,   &&. even though she cried harder   ,   like every other time   ,   she couldn’t resist that warm safety she felt in his arms   .

—— —   FOUR   .

The fourth time felt like a dream   .      Hinata was in that awkward   ,   in - between stage while she grew out her hair on a whim   .      Kiba must have picked up on how self - conscious she’d been lately   (   much of which had nothing to do with her hair &&. a lot to do with why she still wore long sleeves   )   because he had made the decision that the two of them needed a fun night out   .

The concept of   ❛   FUN   ❜   was still so strange to her   .      She hadn’t been allowed many freedoms as a child &&. her own mental health hadn’t exactly been very conducive to boldness &&. spontaneity   .      She was gradually becoming more comfortable with spending time with her teammates   ,   though   .      That was fun   .

It occurred to her then   ,   though   ,   that she had never spent time with Kiba alone   .      Outside of the occasional MENTAL BREAKDOWN   ,   that is   .      She found herself inexplicably nervous   ,   chalking it up to a fear that he might get bored if it were just her without someone else to be more entertaining   .      She thought Shino was more entertaining than she was   .      He knew a lot of facts &&. could always find something to talk about   .      Hinata was   . . .   plain   .      Uninteresting   .

&&. Kiba   . . .      Kiba was wild &&. full of excitement &&. energy   .      Hinata was sure she would have been LEFT IN THE DUST as they went to this place &&. that all around the village if not for the fact that he held her hand the entire time   .      They played games they came across   ,   checked out a few different shops   ,   enjoyed a nice meal in a restaurant   ,   &&. then found a nice   ,   high vantage point with a clear view of the sky as dusk settled   .

He pointed out how the clouds on the horizon made silly shapes   ,   then did the same when the sky grew darker &&. the stars emerged   .      She had to correct him once when he pointed at an actual constellation   .      Then he asked her the names of different groups of stars   ,   if they had one   ,   &&. promptly came up with one on the spot if they didn’t   .      Hinata was surprised to find herself laughing &&. smiling so much   .      She certainly felt lighter in that moment than she had in a very long time   .

She had glanced over at him &&. found his bright eyes trained on the stars   .      She was a bit mesmerized with how they SPARKLED in his gaze   ,   taking it upon herself to count each one   .      Her staring didn’t go unnoticed for very long   ,   though   ,   &&. when he caught her from his peripheral   ,   she astonishingly didn’t look away   .      He looked at her fully &&. for what felt like a long time they simply gazed at each other in silence   .

She wasn’t sure who moved first   ,   but she thought maybe they both did   .      It was slow   ,   as if it weren’t happening in real time   ,   &&. she felt a bit ticklish   ,   for lack of a better word   ,   like a light   ,   feathery feeling that kept drawing her in   .      &&. soon enough   ,   her lips met the source of that feeling   ,   a barely - there brush of skin before they committed to it   .

It was electrifying &&. so different from all the other times   .      This one was DELIBERATE   .      This one happened because they both wanted it to happen   .      It was also a bit scary   ,   in a way   ,   considering their shared history with this sort of thing   ,   but   . . .   it was good   .      It was better than good   .      It felt as if they stayed that way for hours &&. they very well may have   .      It was hard to keep track of time like that   ,   but she knew that the longer they kissed   ,   the less she wanted it to stop   .

—— —   FIVE   .

The fifth time was   . . .   awkward   .      Well   ,   in fairness   ,   it didn’t start awkwardly   ,   but that quickly changed when what had begun as little more than a WARM WELCOME to her new apartment took a turn for something a bit more   ,   ah   ,   heated than she had been expecting   .

She didn’t mind how intense &&. hands - on he could be sometimes   .      In fact   ,   she enjoyed it   .      It made her feel wanted   ,   like he was actually happy being with her   .      It was just that this time felt a little   . . .   seductive   .

The fear settled in quickly   ,   but she kept quiet about it   .      In fact   ,   she didn’t do or say anything to discourage him   .      She simply let it happen because she knew that was what he wanted &&. she was so   ,   so terrified of giving him a single reason to be unhappy with her   .      She was afraid of being the one to drive this wedge between them   ,   so she endured   .

Afterward   ,   she slipped into the shower to cry   .      It wasn’t because of what had just happened   .      It was because it reminded her all over again how BROKEN she was   .      She would never understand the desire   ,   the urge   ,   &&. she knew that one day he would notice that &&. take offense to it &&. she wouldn’t be able to explain herself because she had no explanation   .

She wanted nothing more than to make him happy   .      She would be whatever he needed her to be   .      She would do whatever needed to be done to make sure that he never suspected anything was amiss   .

It was necessary   ,   it was right   ,   it was what she was supposed to do   .

#&&. ❛ ANSWERED ❪ to whom it may concern . ❫ #daybreakrising #&&. ❛ INTERACTION ❪ every action is an act of creation . ❫ // hinata #this occurs throughout multiple verses so i just will not tag any #AKSDJF #bon apetit

[peraltasames]

darkness will be rewritten into a work of fiction

in which almost going to jail in the finale sparks some fears in amy about their future as a family

for @fourdrinkamy bc emma requested some sweet hurt/comfort and she’s gonna crush all her exams like the badass Intellectual Woman she is (jake peralta believes in u and so do i) 💖💖💖

Amy’s familiar with most, if not all, of her husband’s facial expressions a year into their marriage.

She can tell when he’s pissed, when he’s disappointed, when he’s happy, when he’s nervous; more impressively, she can narrow it down to incredibly specific facial expressions like his I Just Solved a Case and I’m About to Brag About It All Day look and his Exhausted and Wanting To Cuddle On The Couch While We Watch Die Hard look.

It only takes her a few sideways glances in the cab ride home from the 86th precinct for her to identify his Something Is Definitely Up With You and We’re Gonna Talk About it When We Get Home face, which tends to make an appearance whenever something is bothering her (not unlike right now) - for all the credit she gives herself for knowing Jake inside and out, he knows her just as well.

His worry is even more thinly veiled than normal - sometimes he tries to coax it out of her gradually, but the moment they’ve stepped across the threshold and slipped off their shoes, he’s wrapping his arms around her from behind and murmuring in her ear: “What’s wrong, babe?”

She turns in his arms, letting his hands fall on her waist and reaching up to rest hers on his shoulders. Before she can process her thoughts enough to voice them, she needs just a moment to unwind from the stress of the day in the sanctuary of his arms.

“If this is about me not telling you the whole plan - I’m really sorry,” Jake adds before she gets the chance to speak, his brows furrowed. “Maybe I should have, but I was so worried about Holt finding out or the operation getting blown somehow and I just couldn’t risk it.”

“No, no, it’s not that,” she murmurs, hands running up and down his arms as a natural response to his rising concern. “I understand.”

Jake frowns and grabs her hand to lead her to the couch a few feet away, motioning for her to sit down next to him and lifting her legs over his lap so he can rub circles on her shin. He props his head up with his other arm on the back of the couch and tilts his head to face her, offering a small smile of encouragement for her to open up.

“Talk to me, babe.”

She sighs, avoiding his knowing gaze and playing with the hem of her sweater.

“I don’t blame you for not filling me in, but being in a jail cell - seeing you in a jail cell, going off to be interrogated again - that was-” She can already feel tears welling up in her eyes at the mere thought of him going to prison again, and she curses herself for her inability to not completely come undone whenever he talks to her like this, looks at her like that. “It was just a lot-”

He breathes out a soft “Ames,” and his voice is somehow infinitely softer than before. Of course his thoughts didn’t go to such a dark place - surely they would have, had it been a real possibility that he was going back to jail - and she can’t blame him for not considering the effects the plan may have on her emotions when he was so focused on making sure it went off without a hitch.

“I know it was all part of the plan, and you’re not actually going back to prison today-”

“Not ever,” Jake interjects, his eyes glistening with warmth and assurance. It’s not the first time he’s promised this - similar fears resurface in her nightmares and whenever someone brings up his and Rosa’s incarceration.

“Not ever,” she repeats, reaching to grab his hand. “But as long as we keep doing this…you know, fighting for the greater good and trying to be the good cops, we’re always gonna be crossing people. Bad people.”

“That doesn’t mean that more bad stuff is gonna happen to us.”

“What if it does?” she snaps back, squeezing his hand in silent apology after Jake winces. “What if we both get sent to prison? Or-or worse? What would happen to our-”

She doesn’t need to finish the sentence before his eyes flicker with understanding and more involuntary tears begin to pour down her face, ones that she doesn’t try to hide. It’s like they both realize what’s really bothering her in the same fraction of a second.

They decided to start trying for kids four days ago.

It was before the latest drama with Kelly began, before they assembled their own “suicide squad’, before any threats of going to jail or losing their jobs had arisen. During a normal Friday night in front of the TV and a pile of Thai takeout, Jake looked over at her and proudly proclaimed that he was ready.

(And maybe she thought he meant he was ready for sex and straddled him in the middle of Jeopardy while he struggled to pull away long enough to explain that he meant to have kids, but it was a good moment nonetheless.)

“C’mere, honey,” he mumbles, already pulling her into his lap and cradling her to his chest. Her face moves to the crook of his neck while she cries, finally releasing hours worth of pent-up anxiety. “It’s okay.”

He strokes her back and presses kisses to her hairline for a few minutes, each soft touch marginally regulating her heart rate and stopping her panicked tears from falling harder.

“Everything’s gonna be fine,” Jake whispers against her forehead. “We always figure it out, right? We caught Figgis, you guys busted Hawkins, now John Kelly’s gonna get fired. The good guys win, babe.”

He’s not wrong - there hasn’t yet been an obstacle that they haven’t found a way to overcome. Even when things seemed particularly dire, they managed to pull through. She doesn’t really have any reason to believe that that won’t continue to be the case.

“It’s still terrifying. We’re gonna be bringing another person into this world, Jake, and we literally see the worst of humanity every single day.”

“Exactly.” He brings her chin up to look at him and presses a quick peck to her nose, smiling softly as he pulls back. “We’ve been through all this and we still have enough hope and love to want to have a child together. Isn’t that kind of beautiful?”

She melts under his soft gaze, reaching up to gently play with the curls above his forehead and smiling fondly. His enthusiasm to have children together has increased substantially to match hers since their debate in the hospital, and it makes her heart swell with joy and excitement.

“Since when did you get so wise?”

“I’ve learned a lot against my will from all the NPR you listen to,” he teases, playfully poking at her ribs while she lets out a soft laugh.

It’s also kind of beautiful, she thinks, that her husband’s ability to make her laugh even at her worst moments as A) never wavered and B) been the number one thing she loves about him from their first date to their first anniversary of marriage.

“That’s my girl.” He gently, lovingly brushes the tears away from her cheeks with both thumbs. “Do you want me to go pick up some empanadas?”

The fact that he’s willing to drive to Queens right now to get her favourite comfort food from her favourite restaurant that doesn’t deliver almost makes her cry again, but she simply shakes her head and grabs his hand.

“Let’s just order pizza from somewhere close,” she suggests. “The sooner we eat, the sooner we can get back to-”

“Trying to procreate?”

“I was gonna say baby-making, you’ve really matured from all that NPR!”

She says it like a win, but he shakes his head and winces like a toddler being offered vegetables (or Jake being offered vegetables - she’s gonna have to work on her husband’s diet a little more before they have to deal with an actual child).

“I’m gonna have to make so many dumb sex jokes to make up for all that maturity.”

(He does not disappoint, in any manner, that evening.)

#jake x amy #b99 fic #myfics

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #1 - “hail santa that is all.” (Chrissa)

Nothing much really so far. We got into tribes so far everyone seems cool ans all so can't wait to see what happens from here.

Opening thoughts: I'm very much downplaying my knowledge, making it seem like I care most about challenges, know nothing about how online Survivor works (I played and hosted one) and not a massive amount about the actual show either, asking a lot of questions. Trying to find people with the most similar personalities and let others propose any alliances.

boy am i overwhelmed

Day 1; So I'm sitting here, eating dinner, a salad with garlic bread and a mike's hard pineapple strawberry lemonade, and I decide to do a confessional! Lets talk about my tribe, first and foremost. We're the "Second Chances" tribe. Fitting, we're all FLOPS. Imma do this in the order we were REVEALED to the world. Because that's cute, right? We're basically the beauty tribe bc everyone is lowkey real scrumptious lookin. Eric; Before this game, Eric and I bonded in the Ahkmim VL about how we never get cast for tumblr survivor, and how we're waiting for redemption, and I'd feel bad leaving him as the first boot. So hopefully he'd also feel bad, and wanna talk to me. I don't think the two of us have much in common yet, he's into anime, and reading, which is like, two things I'm not really down for, but I'm definitely gonna give Spirited Away a try sometime soon so I can talk to him about it. I kinda wanna ask if the red in his hair is naturally like.. blood red. But maybe that's the lighting in the room, or maybe he died it even MORE ginger, because I often hear to him referred to as GINGER Eric, but also i don't wanna have an awkward "No, this is just like.. normal ginger" conversation. Megan; Ohhhh Megan.. my girl Megan. We've had a rocky road in our friendship, and I wish I was just talking about ice cream. Something about her though just makes me have infinite patience for the things the two of us deal with, I can't help but just want to be with her all the time. I scouted her out from FaceBook to play my Whodunnit, and we've been extremely close ever since, our game relationship has been rocky enough for me to worry slightly about her, but all I can do is trust her, and build good enough relationships with other people that if she tried to fuck me over, I would know, and strike first. Its still unclear to this day whether she had a hand in my elimination in a Big Brother game we played, 1984. What is crystal clear, is that we cried together while she cast her vote to evict me. I love her, won't never stop lovin her. I'm hoping this can be OUR season to dominate, because I feel like we're almost evenly matched when it comes to a jury vote. Will; "Whoop-de-do" iconic king of not getting his haircut. Uhh.. idk what all to say, because before the game, I knew nothing of this man. However, Monty said something about him being alive and on Skype, and my mind immediately goes to "Is he hot?" and I check his profile, and publicly announce that he's hot. Which isn't FALSE, but then we both get revealed for the game, and put on the same tribe. So now we're vibing, and relating on the fact that tumblr players hate us, and we've deemed each other, "Heather". He's currently petitioning to call our tribe "The Heathers" instead of Enlil. We get on really well, and he's pretty damn cute. Also, he goes to bed SO early, I hope we get enough time to talk and get close on this tribe. Julian; Well. This is a lot to unpack, but I found out he was playing about 3 days before the game, and since that point. He's gotten unnecessarily aggressive with me, and a couple others over non-tumblr related matters. Julian and I have a rocky history, between me being recruited, and auto-casted for his ORG, Trinity Survivor, his ex-co-host/current-best friend berating me, and deleting messages to make me look bad. To Julian throwing passive aggressive low-blows about my social ineptitude in my face if I'm angry about something, to us making final 3 together in minis. Overall, I'm constantly at odds about how I perceive our relationship, I want to be able to assume the best of him, and say that I'm good in his book, no matter what happens. I think a lot of the time, our friend group isn't the most mature, and it is really difficult to have an adult conversation with someone from within that friend group, without someone else having an opinion to share on it, so I've heard things that he's said about me, that I'm not necessarily sure if its true or not, but I try my best to hold a strong, level head and smile whenever I see him, but sometimes its difficult wanting to approach a conversation with someone head on, but knowing that you can't do that with him is definitely a struggle of mine. We have very different communication styles, and its difficult to see past it sometimes. For now, I'm going to be working with him, but I'm not sure how long that can last, as he admits it himself, he can only handle my personality for short periods of time. Jack; Well, Jack hasn't said a single word for the last three hours, since the game has begun. I don't WANT to have to stay up till 5-6 in the morning to try to have a conversation with him, but if that's what I gotta do, then that's what I gotta do. Chrissa; Chrissa, Todd. My LOVE. Chrissa is someone that I owe something to, she's amazing, beautiful, talented, show stopping, never before seen, etc. Our game relationship is not great, because I organized her first boot in Ascendance Season 4; Back to the Future. However, it was because she was attached to someone that kept accusing me of having powers behind my back. So, hopefully Chrissa forgives me, and gives me another chance, because I'd love to work with her. I feel like Chrissa is someone who is extremely intelligent, and loyal, and that's someone I want on my side. I love my tribe, lets win every challenge until the merge!!

Well... I’m back again... not going inactive this time! Let’s just do a quick roundup for now: JJ seems to think we’re in a showmance already which is either great or bad for my game, Megan’s a sweetheart and I could see us aligning, Eric is definitely a gamer and I have a feeling he’ll be a loyal, jack and Julian are both pretty straightforward and seem on the quieter side, and Chrissa straight up vanished already so we’ll see how that goes! Basically somebody thinks I’m their husband but I don’t know if I ever signed the prenup, but if it means JJ is gonna spill on how he feels about everyone then that’s some good insight. Nobody really wants to talk game yet but that’ll change soon!! Kk bye for now

Night 1/Morning 2: Everyone on my tribe seems extremely cool and I'm loving the way the tribes are divided. The only name I recognized on the cast was Monty's and he's on my tribe! I don't know him personally but I think he first played around when I was hosting a season. I have hit it off with Johnny the best so far I think, and definitely Isabelle as well. I seem to have a lot in common with both of them on a personal level. Strategically, I haven't locked anything down yet. I don't want to come right out and blurt "ALLIANCE?" with anyone; for right now I'm just trying to play it cool, get to know people as well as I can, and be a likeable presence in the tribe so people just wanna have me around.

I just asked Collin to talk to Adam about forming a four person alliance, which Collin will "bring" me into while Adam suggests someone. This might secure me in a four person alliance which would be ideal, but if it backfires, it will backfire on Collin, not on me. I'm trying to get myself into a majority while insulating myself from being seen as the strategic threat

First confessional before first IC

I was thrust on a good tribe we have JJ and Eric and hopefully this group of people won't make us last in competitions atleast lol maybe if we lose though hopefully i can argue why jack needs to go with his timezone but hopefully i don't have too. 

im ngl idk why i decided to play tumblr survivor again and the instant paranoia of just caring about my PLACEMENT is going to keep me up at night *shivers*

It's been a day in and so far I really like our tribe! I'm vibing with a few of them and it looks like there's been alliance formed between myself, Julian and JJ. JJ has said that he owes it to Chrissa not to vote her out if we lose, and I think he has something with Megan on the side based off what Julian has told me. That leaves Will and Jack, and I've talked with Will a ton. Tomorrow I'm gonna try and see if he wants to work with me too because I feel like to win this season, you will need to keep all your options open. 

Day 2: I got to talk to Jack last night, he was talkin about how he did some funky fresh survivor statistics on how tribe swaps affect tribe line loyalties, which I found super interesting. Then I decided to share a statistics thingy I did on how the Final 3 format doesn't produce an even ratio of male / female winners, but the Final 2 format does, and how potentially something about the final 3 format in survivor could be a factor in why we haven't had enough female winners in the last few generations of survivor. But he didn't even believe there was a female bias in survivor.. which kinda threw me off. Oh well, we ended the conversation on a good note before I went to bed. Well, the tribe seems to be getting along well, I tried to get a tribe call going, but it ended up just being me and Megan helping Chrissa with strategies to get higher scores in the challenge. She can't seem to break 100, and I feel really bad for her, I hope the rest of us can carry this competition, because I would feel like the worst human being in the world if I gave someone first boot twice in a row. Not to mention I'd consider Chrissa a friend of mine. Maybe I'm playing this game a bit too emotionally, before we even have our first tribal. What a concept.. Will and I are only getting closer and closer, we continuously refer to each other, affectionately, as "Heather". But he really lied to me today, pretty hard core. He said he was gonna order his weight in mexican food when he got off work... but he ate Thai instead...? How dare he ??? Rude. Anyways, if he's lying about that, what else could he lie to me about? Smh. Fuckboys amirite? I think that if we lose this challenge, Jack would be an easy vote off. He's in a different timezone, and his age unfortunately would make it really difficult to have a decent social game. If we lose more than once, there's one of two things that could happen.. 1.) There's a standoff between Julian, Megan and I, trying to maneuver this tribe to remove each other. Which is exactly why a friendship / showmance / whatever with Will is so important. Will would likely be the swing vote they try to get, I don't see Chrissa voting me out if I prove my loyalty at the first tribal our tribe faces. 2.) The three of us dominate the premerge portion of the game, and it becomes an impossible to maneuver situation for me at the merge, because all the connections I have outside of my own tribe, both Julian or Megan also have a hand in, with the exception of Jay, who I don't find myself falling that closely to. I feel like I might be thinking too much, too fast. I guess I just can't show the rest of my tribe that. I'm hoping my reads on the tribe are at least somewhat correct this time around. :/

Collin never ended up messaging Adam, and I was worried about falling behind the 8-ball, so I took alliance building measures into my own hands. I messaged Zach about joining up by stating that Collin had told me he also had a good conversation with Zach, and I made sure Zach didn't just feel "brought in" by asking him which person he would want to be 4 in our alliance. He suggested Cameron, which is fine by me. He hasn't officially reached out to Cameron yet, but our plan is to bring Cameron in if we end up losing, and I will probably want to vote Kyle or Grace in that scenario. Hope we don't lose though!

I don't really (or at least usually) stress about challenges and definitely not this early in the game, but some of these people are so stressed and panicky. Will (who I talked to about aligning earlier today like I had said I would in my last confessional) is stressed about not being able to beat his current high score of 199 and feels like he's on the lower end and might be eliminated. I was telling him though that this isn't necessarily about your score, but your ranking. You can get 209 or 189 and still get the same ranking. Chrissa on the other hand is totally panicking. She has an admittedly low score of 89 which she forgot to screenshot which is really rough. She same flash games aren't her thing (and I believe her) but when I tried to calm her down and say there's lots of time to improve and that we can win this, she continued to panic. There's not much I can do for her. I'm not aligned with her right now and she's just really scared to get first boot, which I don't even think will happen. JJ feels obliged not to make her first boot should the scenario present itself, and I'm aligned with him and Julian. If anyone's going home right now, it's probably Jack unless he has connections I am unaware of. I would really like to win though because I love our beauty tribe xoxo 

I managed to find the idol clue, and in telling my formed trio of Collin and Zach, Zach accidentally revealed that he had found it too. I don't think he intended to tell me, so now I am not sure if I fully trust him. I'll work with him for now, but he is going to be a big move player and I'll have to watch out for that

Forgive me father for i have sinned it's been a day since my last confession I've made some progress me and grace knowing each other well pregame means i have an instant ally coming in to help not be first.....or second out and me and Collin seem to be kinda working together I guess?? I hope not fully sure but I feel confident I'm not going if we go to tribal.

hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

FUCK entanglement! FUCK IT IT IS THE WORK OF THE DEVIL hail santa that is all.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UBoZlL8ZWzY

Zach is playing super hard out in the open. That is good for me, he can make connections to help our alliance, and if there is ever a moment where our alliance gets exposed, he will probably be out in the forefront as a target. The flip side of that is that I might not be able to go to the end with him if he could be perceived as the leader of my alliance, so I'll need to see how the game develops

We came in second in the immunity challenge by ONE POINT. Thank the lord because our group seems very cohesive at the moment, and going to tribal would have put everyone into scramble mode. I've been bonding the closest over the first 4 days with Isabelle, and I am hoping it can lead to a strong game relationship. Right now, we seem to be very social with one another and we have gone as far as to say we wouldn't vote for one another, but I'm still sort of waiting for that defining confirmation (as much as you can get that in Survivor). After that, I'd say I've been pretty chatty with Johnny and Monty equally (but I think I have a slightly tighter personal bond so far with Johnny). Abrielle I talked to more so over the first couple of days but I would say between her, Jay and Madison those are the ones I've made the least connection with. They all seem like good people, just haven't had as much traction chatting with them. I don't want us to go to tribal for as long as we can help it, because for me the best case scenario heading into a swap would be if our tribe had the numbers advantage and some sort of tribe-wide unity going into it. I feel like that way I could be in a good spot but also not in the forefront of the tribe alliance (I'd hope that would sort of fall on Monty or Johnny maybe because of their Tumblr Survivor experience). For now though, just continuing to get to know everyone as best I can and try and make sure people want me around, and have me in their plans moving forward.

https://youtu.be/2ix-llpzUOQ

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https://youtu.be/bwCjV8my_Zc ok my mom walked in so i didn't get to finish my thought, but i guess the full thought is just: what the fuck? like i'm really gonna be watching this vid on repeat while y'all are just trolling us. this will end up in my nightmares. know that. also my paranoia is once again setting in. as i mentioned in previous confessional, i feel like ben and i have bonded the most, and we've both pointed it out to each other, but now i feel like he's pointing it out... almost too much? he's basically comparing our convos to his with the rest of the tribe and that they're much better (which i lowkey agree), but something feels fishy because again IM PARANOID. AM I BEING PLAYED?? like literally the scenario in my mind is that everyone's aligned except me and ben has been chosen as the bug to make me feel comfortable. okay yes im crazy. and it's only day 2 whew! im going to bed goodnight.

---

ok now ive found a video about spectograms the channel has liked. this hunt is getting me anxious bc slowly but surely the amount of views on the immunity idol vid is increasing. AHHHH

---

ok i found the spectogram and it literally spells out "SINK." (also this shit is scary so again, my nightmare comment holds.) so there are 5 other followers, which makes me know for sure that at least 5 other ppl have found this vid. also i have no idea what to do with the word. i assume that it'll come in handy eventually (maybe a password? send in a chat? comment on the vid? something?) and i really really hope im the only person to find this. i know that's unlikely tho.

---

oh my god. oh my fucking god. the clue is at survivor-mesopotamia.tumblr.com/sink . im screaming. proud of myself. BUT of course it says... "clue Though you have found it, No clue has emerged. UNDER CONSTRUCTION, Come back when you’ve merged." i- i have to wait until i've merged. HA. we'll see if bitches get that far. and im bitches. anyways sorry for the spam, now back to your regularly scheduled programming

Day 3: I almost forgot to do this confessional. But here I am, in bed, watching Avatar, and drinking butterscotch milk with Irish cream, which is surprisingly good? Anyways, here we go! First, you’re telling me that we LOST the challenge.. what the hell :( I thought I did so well having 188, but apparently even 256 wasn’t going to cut it. The fact that if Jack could improve his score by 30 points, means we’d be safe from tribal, it annoys me that it felt like he didn’t try as hard as Chrissa in the flash game? Julian, he says we can beast through this game and make final three. This is something I’d really love to be able to trust that he has in mind, but I just am unsure at this moment. He gave me information towards the idol search that I appreciate, and probably wouldn’t have figured it out myself. That felt good, but I feel like he wasn’t giving me everything he knew, just enough to make me feel comfortable. I’ll have to continue to keep my eye on him.. Next, Heather, or Will, my potential showmance. We’ve finally got the opportunity to call each other, we talked about the idol search, and our potential moves in the future. He told me he likes the idea of not playing with Julian, but right after he told me this, Julian asked if we were good? Which was kinda sketch. But I’ll do my best to trust Will, and call it a weird coincidence. Megan hasn’t talked to me much today, but she was a room moderator for sequester, and was visiting a friend today, so I can’t blame her. Chrissa is hopefully safe, I can’t give her first boot in back to back games together, I refuse to be that heartless. She’s so good I can’t do it. Eric hasn’t talked to me much either. For someone who should probably know that his name is on the block, I’m surprised Jack isn’t talking too much to me? Maybe it’s because I’m on the chopping block and I don’t know it. I’d be really heartbroken if I were the first boot.

So we lost the challenge by ONE FREAKING POINT, which sucks ass. But not me doing the best in my tribe on the challenge. We stan improvement. Anyway, it looks like the discussion for the vote is between Jack and Chrissa, namely Jack. Though Chrissa performed worse in the challenge, she's done a better job connecting with the rest of us than Jack has. As of now, that's what the general concensus is. I talked to Julian and he agreed, and we are aligned with JJ. Chrissa would vote our way to make sure it isn't her. Another thing that's happening is the idol search. The video made literally no freaking sense, but when the channel liked this video about spectograms, Julian put the video into it and it spelled sink. It turned out that by putting the word sink into the blog link, it says a clue will be there but at the merge. I guess this means for now there will be no idols, so as long as the people im with are truthful, the person who is planned to go home at tribal will go home without a shadow of a doubt.

https://youtu.be/ury1fLaZQec

Right now everyone on the tribe is at peace and getting along, but we all know that’s gonna change when we go to tribal council.

I'm sad we lost the first challenge. I came back to do better than i did the first time, so the idea of being the first boot would suck. I'm not that close with Chrissa so 100% she's my vote. She has played more seasons than all of us & the second chancers deserve their time. Also, Chrissa did the worst out of us in the challenge so it makes it easier to convince everyone to vote for her, but i also dont want to be the one who targets her first because that could come back round to me, and i would hate that as i've waited over a year for a 2nd shot at this. At the moment i'm closest with JJ & Will F, they are 100% my final 3 right now. I like Megan & Eric as well. I've only had 1 comversation with Julian and we did get on well but we havent talked about anything since then. I've tried to talk to Chrissa but she's never really tried to talk to me.

Hi!! Megan for my first confessional!! Yall are gonna have to remind me throughout my time in this game to do these because I'm SO bad at remembering to do confessionals lmaooo. So this first round there's been a lot going on. There are three tribes- newbies, flops, and a tribe of vets who have played well. Clearly I am on the flop tribe, because I was a SAD pre-merge boot in Svalbard. I was feeling really excited about my tribe and definitely thought we could do well and at least not lose the first challenge - we don't want to be flops again!! But alas, after a long day of doing that stupid entanglement flash game, we have proven our labels and FLOPPED yet again, getting last. SO. now we have to go to tribal council tonight. I am out of town this weekend so I haven't been able to talk to many people but I hope I can make it through this first vote. All I've heard so far is that people want to keep the tribe strong so we don't lose another challenge, and based on the first challenge scores, the two bottom challenge players would be Chrissa and Jack. So far I have heard that people want to do Jack instead of Chrissa, which I am fine with. I haven't talked to him that much and I think the time zone difference unfortunately puts him at a disadvantage, so honestly, we should probably vote him out first. I am nervous of course though because people have been fairly quiet and that's never a good thing, but I am hoping and praying that nothing crazy happens and Jack is the first boot and all is good and fine with that. Okay now I'll talk a little about the players on the tribe and how I feel about them- Okay so obviously I know JJ and Julian fairly well from previous games & also being in various group chats together. So far we are planning on working together as a trio and I am GOOD with that so far. Chrissa I have played with once before but she's not very social or talkative, and tbh, I haven't had a DM with her in this game yet, but she seems sweet. Eric I like a lot, he is funny and outgoing and a little chaotic and I love that in him. I think I know him from something previously but quite honestly I don't remember him, but he remembers me LOL. I hope they're good memories. Jack, again, I haven't talked to him much because of the time difference I think. Also isn't he like a minor? Oof that's weird. Anyway onto the final member of my tribe - the king, the legend, the literal love of my life - WILL!!!! I had never met Will before this game but we vibed IMMEDIATELY. We get along so well and we have a lot of things in common and we like the same kinda things. We've had a lot of really good conversations already and I feel the closest to him in this game by far, even though I have known other people on my tribe longer. I adore Will and I will do everything in my power to make sure we both get as far in this game as we can. Okay I think that's enough for a first confessional, bye!!!

Things have been pleasant and slow so far. Everyone on the tribe seems nice and at this point I’m still just hoping that we’ll all get as far in the game as possible at the expense of the more experienced players. I’m a little concerned because I haven’t really been party to any strategy talk yet; I think that’s just because no one has thought it necessary while we don’t have to go to tribal, but I’m still worried I might just be on the outs and not know it.

hiiii so glad to be back in the game!!!! So thankful I have the opportunity to redeem myself after my huge flop in 94, but lowkey worried about being on the An tribe? Only because it is filled with people who have done well in the past I’m not sure how to measure where I fall within them, but everyone has been very nice and seems to get along with me so far! Also it seems like there is no suspicion from them about Zach and I being siblings which is STELLAR. From looking at the cast I think the only person who knows for sure is JJ, and perhaps Megan? But thankfully they aren’t on a tribe with either of us so that might work in our favor. I’m a little nervous about this first challenge but I have one of the highest scores on my tribe atm, so I feel like if we go to tribal it might be okay. Fingers crossed hehe ;))

I’m SCARED I’ve been out of the loop for TOO LONG. 

from what I've heard i am safe i won't be comfortable until i heard the votes not being all me. 

https://youtu.be/oX4-_QPoqNk

https://youtu.be/YviOufmjmps

My brand is having 4 minute confessionals

from episode 1 https://youtu.be/VqDkCGLTARU

---

from episode 1 also https://youtu.be/mklfEHtGp04

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9UqNr3fbiE

Jack voted out 6-1

#nomorethings

[checkyesifulikeme]

me n my best friends are an aries, a taurus & an aquarius and yes. everything is exactly how u would think it would be. me and the taurus have a sibling play-fighting relationship where we swing from being sweet to one another then RIGHT into pretend bickering (or real). he’s extremely protective of those close to him. he would do anything for them, house them, feed them, give them his last cent, free weed, free shrooms. he always says he just wants to be a good host and for everyone to enjoy themselves. like Wtf okay taurus we get it. of course his little house is home-base. equipped with a one man’s trash is another’s treasure coffee table that we sit around and shoot the shit at every week. he just wants to take care of everyone, give absolutely anyone a place to belong. aquarius operates on another plane that everyone admires him from beneath, but he doesn’t see it like that. i could imagine him thinking he clumsily got himself stuck up there and wants to meet us all below and we’re all screaming at him not to jump. he doesn’t devalue. he can be enveloping u in his Manner that makes u feel so singled out and special, but at the same time there’s that distance there. that arm’s-reach. it’s okay i have an aquarius venus. i understand. sometimes he’ll go ghost for days but he’ll always wander back around with that adorable smile and win us all back. this plays on an infinite loop. he worms into your brain with refreshingly multifaceted takes and questions that i can only answer after sitting on them for a couple of days. no matter how benign. he has a way of perpetually throwing me for a loop. but i don’t know if you’ve heard but i’m the aries and i love a game of catch-up, give me a chance to prove myself. i blacked out drunk and asked everyone if they wanted to see who could do the most push-ups. i’ll punch all of the balls at the pool table with my fists and end the game early because it was fun for 2 minutes but not anymore, and i’m no good at it. it’s crazy i’ve never been the most loosey goosey friend but in this friend group sometimes i feel like i am. we r all homebodies. but i got the taurus to drink on a work night for the first time, do coke and dance all night w me. he went along with my wild plan to steal a duck from the local park pond bc i was convinced she was in danger. he stood at the side of the pond while i screamed at the ducks to ‘Stop hurting her’ and got my overalls all wet pulling her out of the water. i’ve convinced him to try molly on my birthday in a week and a half or so. okay that makes me sound bad but u know aries = blindly charging forward. my curiosity gets the best of me no matter how many cats i kill. i hope i’m not on my last life. or maybe the aqua and taurus keep mending them back together again and sticking them right where they found them last. i’m gullible like that. but i’ll also go up for any of my friends. if u mess with my people i will box u. i show my loves how much i love them by acting like a little boy with a crush on a girl and he never figured out how to process those emotions healthily or is simply confused by them so he picks on her at recess. i’m trying to be a noble line-leader the older i get. but i’ll always play. it’s too fun not to. i say what i mean and mean what i say— the aqua says “someone’s gotta say it!” when i call out the taurus for being too stubborn to admit something or stuck in his ways. HAHA. regardless of whether or not i am right. we lock horns but we all know an aries doesn’t have the patience to win that fight. a worthy opponent. all with love. one day the taurus will let me clean his house and one day i will step inside of the aquarius’ house, but no rush. why are we such cookie-cutter definitions of our signs. smh

#m #astro

[existentialavoidances]

finally figured out the reason why I could never make Bear's actions make sense and why I couldn't move past our relationship (4 fucking years later):

it's because he's an actual real life psychopath and I was still so messed up by his manipulation that the thought that he even might have been lying about loving me never crossed my mind until reading this fucking book (Psychopath Free, a book I wish I'd found 4 years ago b4 I had time to engrain all this weird bullshit that much further into my psyche) DESPITE the fact that he told me fairly often that he was a bad person who couldn't stop himself from manipulating others.

the idealization phase was unbelievably euphoric and the identity erosion was so subtle and "loving" that I actually asked him to come back to me after HE cheated on ME multiple times after spending months lying that he had no sex drive and making me feel like the grossest human to walk the planet. and even after all that we kept in touch and he swore up and down that he WOULD come back for me. we just needed time to heal. I think it was because at that point he couldn't hide how broken the relationship was anymore, but he could still string me along until he'd wrung every last pitiful beg out of me.

and I believed him every step of the way, because that's who he molded me to be. he ground me down to the darkest part of my soul and then built sandcastles out of me- kicking me down and building me back up into whatever shape pleased him most. and when he got bored he would leave me defenseless in the dark. I was so fractured that being toyed with by him was infinitely better than being abandoned, so I molded myself to please him, to amuse him, to win back the love he gave so freely only months before. but I never once thought he was doing it on purpose.

I trusted him that much. more than any human being should be allowed to trust someone else. to the point where I still, even after seeing what a piece of shit he is, can't really think about it because it just. doesn't compute in my brain. Bear=Trust. that's embedded in my psyche now.

even up to today I thought that maybe he loved me at first and then got manipulative. the cognitive dissonance is strong with this one. but I just went back and reread the 15 journal entries from the hell that was summer 2017 and I. literally said that it seemed like he was faking our relationship. and like a switch got flipped. I caught the moments he stopped being entertained by me and didn't want me around. which I then followed up by berating myself for thinking he could do that and swearing that I would be a better and more supportive girlfriend. the brainwashing was so fucking strong y'all.

I just... ache for the me of 4 years ago. she was so smart and so perceptive and so fucking strong but that fucking sick manipulative asshole had her so twisted up that she thought it was her fault that she could see his flaws. that she needed to repent for asking for the bare minimum of a caring relationship.

I put myself into therapy at the college bc it was all I could afford and told the therapist abt the hard drugs/aggressively fucked up relationship and she... wanted me to go to the group sessions because they were overwhelmed and needed to have time for people with more serious issues. like. MA'AM. I WAS SUICIDAL. JUST BC I CAN HAVE A COHERENT CONVERSATION ABOUT CODEPENDENCY DOESN'T MEAN THAT I HADN'T JUST GOTTEN OUT OF THE MOST DEBILITATING IDENTITY ERODING TRAUMATIC EVENT OF MY LIFE WHICH PROCEEDED TO FOLLOW ME FOR THE NEXT 4 YEARS BECAUSE I FIGURED I MUST BE FINE IF A FUCKING THERAPIST DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING WRONG

#bear #personal #trauma talk #psychopath free #suicide tw #abuse tw #emotional abuse tw

[deliriousscenarios]

Baeee! I don't really know what's going on in your life, but I really hope you get better. I also wish I could so something for you, but as of now, the only thing I can do is try to comfort you with words. I really HATE that you get hate messages when you are feeling like this. It just end up making feeling you worse. I wish I could stop all people from sending those kind of messages to you. However, I love the way you respond. You did not even once insulted that anon, I bet it's bc you (1/?)

yourself knows how a simple word from someone could have a great effect in somebody else's life. Not only that, but you did not even once sounded bitchy or snappy, on the other hand, you sound worried that you had hurt that anon in some kind of way. That's why I love you, because even if you are the writer and the owner of this blog, you don't go sending everyone away just because they had a different opinion about something. I myself know it because there where times when I expressed my (2/?)opinion and I was treated badly by the writers, just because I didn't exactly said what they wanted to hear. That's why you are the person I love the most in tumblr. You always read my asks and even though you say that you are crap at replying, I don't think so. Because even if you take your time, your replies are always thoughtful. I love coming here and seeing your replies, because they aren't crude, instead they are kind and lovely. I remember when I first came to this blog. I saw (3/?)Shameless on the timeline and I went to your blog. Then I asked you to write Truth or Dare and you kept worrying about if it was too long or if I wouldn't like. You also kept calling me adorable. You were and still are such a sweetheart. You will always be my favorite writer. The things I just mentioned are just some of your qualities, but I know you have a lot more of them. I jus want you to know that you are important to me and that everything is going to be alright. I know it because (4/?went throught hardships. There where times when it was so difficult to keep a smile at my face, but finally me and my family surpassed those hardships. I took a lot of time, longer than you may think but we have overcome those difficult days. And I also know that you can do it too. I believe in you, and I know you will get out of this. I love you very much, my dear first and only tumblr friend...Now...about Uni, well we are still on strike (I now think that's the word). So, now we have (6/?)been 41 days without classes. And the thing is that it's our government fault. Because our country has a big debt and they want to make us pay by cutting the funds for university which mean that the tution fees would double ir even triple, and the money they want to take away from the university is so much that it will make the institution inoperant. So, that's why we are on a strike, tho, Idk what's going to happen. Also, yes, I'm so excited about BTS going to the BBMAs. I hope they win(7/?)

Oh my good lord, my sweet A.B!! You're gonna make me cry, but they will be tears of joy and so much love!! I am never gonna know what I did in a past life to deserve you!! The unconditional love, and support you give me means so much more than I could ever tell you! Honestly, you're so right, words can hold so much power, and the comfort your words always brings me is immense. I'm so unbelievably lucky to have you in my life, sometimes I need to pinch myself to make sure it's real! You will always be extremely special to me, and I hope you know that. You're my Adorable Baepsae, and to say you've been with me since the beginning isn't even close to an exaggeration, TorD was one of the first scenarios I wrote!! Gosh, I'm getting so emotional! Thank you so much for this message, and every message you've ever sent me. I'm sorry you've had negative experiences messaging people, it sucks because it can be such a touchy subject. I think it's hard when it comes to expressing our opinions, and I would never want to make anyone feel like their opinions are invalid or that they couldn't come and talk to me. I'm sure other writers wouldn't want or mean to make people feel like they can't either, it can just feel really personal to us sometimes, and we can get a bit protective over it. I'm sure they didn't mean to upset you, it can just be hard not to take it personally. Especially when there are some people who don't put their opinions in a very nice way (which I'm certain you never would because you are an absolute Angel, my sweet A.B, and you're lovely both inside and out. Which is one of the many reasons I love you ^^). I know I can be incredibly oversensitive sometimes, it's one of the reasons I worried about starting a writing account but I've been so incredibly lucky and though there have been moments when people haven't been very nice, the huge vast majority of people have been so amazingly lovely to me, and I'm so fortunate and blessed to have such great people and positivity in my life.I think you're right, my sweet A.B, it will take time but I can get through it. I've just gotta force myself to keep going, and smile even when I don't feel like it. There's this old classic song I find myself singing all the time while I'm just walking around, and it actually helps a lot. I don't think it'll be a quick road to happiness again, but there are moments when the world doesn't seem so bleak and those are the moments to strive for. Honestly, it's kinda my own fault I regressed, I watched this ridiculously sad and upsetting show on Netflix in one long sitting, and it just completely messed with my head. I wasn't in the right frame of mind to watch it, it was a mistake that I've learnt from, and now I'm only watching comedies with the occasional horror movie thrown into the mix, because they are my guilty pleasure and I can't not watch them ^^ Seriously, thank you for all your love and support, as well as all the comfort you've given me since the first day you messaged me. You've offered me nothing but kindness, and the smiles you've given me, there are way too many to count. As soon as I start a message from you, there is a massive grin on my face, no matter how low my mood was before. You, and all the other lovely amazing people I've met on here, are a reason to keep smiling, no matter how hard my heart aches, and I don't care how cheesy this sounds, there will never be a moment I'm alive that I'm not completely grateful and thankful for that. My heart might be hurting, but it's also full of love, all I can hope is that I can spread that love and kindness around and do as good by you and others as you've done by me. Pay the love forward is what I need to do! And to say I love you, my sweet A.B, is the understatement of the century. My love for you is infinite, and cannot be measured, no matter how hard I try. You're an angel, and I'm incredibly super lucky to have met you, even if it couldn't be in person ^^Oh my god!! Honestly, our governments are the part of the world I'm seriously losing faith in, and it's scaring the hell out of me!! Why do they keep messing with the education system and expecting people to just accept it? It's so frustrating. They took the cap off Uni tuition in my country quite a few years back, and it caused so much shit here. Man, it really sucks, I'm sorry you've gotta deal with this so close to the end of your second year. You shouldn't have to stress over this right now, on top of everything else. It sucks when everything is so up in the air. I hope it comes to ahead soon, and things work out for the best for everyone, especially the students who are suffering.You know I'm here if you ever need to talk, whenever you need me. Maaaaan! I think Tumblr ate part of your message again, which is getting extremely annoying as hell, but yessssss!! BTS at the BBMAS!! I'm too excited, but at the same time so nervous and I don't know why!!!!? I'm sure they're gonna have a great night, and maybe even bring home an award, which will be so freaking amazing!! I'm super proud of them whether or not they win, they've done so well and have come so far, they deserve all the recognition they've been getting!! Thank you again for this message, my lovely A.B, you're too sweet for words and mean so so much to me. I'll love you forever, make no doubt about that!! ^^ ♡

[aroha-x-astro-blog]

hey guys so i’m feeling hella emotional and i’m deciding to make a post about basically every group that i stan rn bc holy CRAP i feel like crying and idk waht to do with myself

do not read unless you wanna see my trashy, emotionally unstable self at it’s peak.

ok so like right now i’m really hardcore feeling bts and just what they do to me. also i’m sorry for all the typos in advance, but like i just watched videos of them performing 2!3! and listened to a fan song MADE BY BRAZILLIAN ARMYS @THEM I LOVE YOU~~??? and like now i feel like crying. if you wanna know WHY here’s the link and watch it yourself

seriously watch this no matter who you stan because it makes you think. literally there are so many things I wish i could tell them as a fan and as someone who cares about them more than i care about myself and most other people in my life and just i wish i could tell them everything this song says and a million other things but that still wouldn’t scratch the surface of exactly what i feel when i see these boys on my dash. they make me so happy i literally almost cried watching this but i stopped myself which i kinda regret now because i feel like crying now and i don’t wanna cry but like there are tears in my eyes right now because i keep realizing how much bts means to me. they make me smile and laugh and cry and worry and feel more emotions than i can list mostly because 99.999999% of those emotions can’t be described in words because there really are no words for what they’ve done for me.

they’ve told me that it’s okay to follow my dreams and do what i want. they told me to enjoy my youth, they taught me so many more things than i could learn in a classroom in the time that i’ve been an army. they made me more hopeful and happy and they make life more worth living for me. i honestly don’t know where i would be without them. i cna’t even imagine what my life was like before i was an army because when i look back, it looks so boring; it was like i wasn’t living. they literally give me life.

i mean sure, they kill me on a daily basis and have stolen my soul enough times that it spends mroe time with them than with me, but like.... i can’t even begin to explain this. 

they gave me hope. they are the reason i’m here right now, trying to accomplish my dreams. they/re the reason i’m working so hard. they’re the reason i’m here right now. i would not be the person i am right now, crying about bts at 11:13 pm and how they have made me a better person.

there are so many things i wanna tell all of them. there are so many things i wanna show them about the good part of our fandom. i wanna show them all the posts we make on here about how they need to rest and take care of themselves. i wanna show them the posts that are made on here and everywhere else when they’re sick or injured, telling them that if we see them on stage in the next couple of days, we will drag their asses back to their bed because we want them to rest. i wanna show them all the different things that we wish we could tell them.

i wanna do so many things for them. i just want them to be happy. like if they’re happy, healthy, eating properly, sleeping every night for 8+ hours, just smiling everyday, i would be perfectly content. i would be livid. i don’t really care about the thigns that they do as much as i care about them. yes, they’re all idols but like they’re people who need to sleep and eat and rest and just have downtime to be people, not the angels, gods, stars, and the loves of our lives all the time. 

i wish i could tell them ‘thank you’. if i could only say one thing to them, it would be ‘thank you’. it wouldn’t even be ‘i love you’, it would be ‘thank you’ because i have so much to thank them for it’s insane. there are SO MANY THINGS. gOD i never thought about it before - i mean i have but like every time i do think about it, the list gets a million times longer each time i think about it.

guys.... i really love bts. like i say this all the times to my friends whenever i can but i really love them. they make me a better person and they help to complete me because before they were in my life, i don’t even know waht i was doing with it. like wow i really don’t ever wanna go back to a life where i don’t know bts. i’d rather die because i can’t imagine myself without them without them in it at this point. they mean more than the world, the stars, the sun the moons, the infinite amount of planets out in the universe, hell i care more about them than i do about myself and my own well being. if i had to give up anything so that they cold be truly happy for a second, i wouldn’t even think about it. i’d do anything for them. if they asked me to find alien life, i would build the rocket ship myself and go out and bring back an alien for them within the same hour. i would do literally anything for them.

i would let them cry on my shoulder. i would let them fall asleep with their head in my lap. i would do anything that would make their life easier because they do so much for us. they work through the night, practice their singing or rapping until their voices are hoarse, they’re up before sunrise to get ready to perform for us. they deal with the treatment that they receive from some fans that we all wish would just never happen. they do so. much. 

okay time lapse, i just spent like 3 minutes thinking about how much bts does for us. and @my followers, i promise i’m still an astro blog-

shit..... astro.. god now i’m thinking about them and everything they do for us. like.. they gave us a freaking fan song within their first year of debut can you name any other group?? no. no you cannot wow okay i’m emotional again. 

like- and this isn’t just true for astro and bts. every single freakin kpop artist does so much for us. they deal with shitty management and not recieving the recognition that their fans know they deserve. they all went through the trainee process and lost friends because of it. they lost hours of sleep and were overworking themselves to the point of being so skinny we worry about their health. they went through so much and still are going through different but more challenging trials now that they’ve debuted. 

every single kpop artist out there deserves the world. all of them. sure, there are fandom wars and some idols have done things that are seen as offensive, but they’re also people who are flawed and make mistakes and they’re under so much pressure all the time and just like there are so many things that we don’t think about when we think of the idols we cherish beyond the description of words and i don’t even know what i’m saying anymore like i’m just seriously crying my eyes out right now like my keyboard is wet with tears i love all the idols i stan so much like astro is my bias group but i love them all so much that it doesn’t even matter. i cry about them all equally and scream about them equally and worry about them equally and support them all equally. i love them all so much that i couldn’t rank them if i tried because they’re so much flippin love in my heart to compare them. it would be less futile to count out every single grain of rice in a 40 lb bag like that’s how much i love them. 

like even that isn’t even a mile near the surface it’s so much higher than that there is no amount of space that i could put between the surface of my love for these boys and girls and the emotions i’m trying to explain in words because there are no words. there literally are no. words. saying ‘i love them’ is the biggest of the freaking century because the word ‘love’ doesn’t begin to encompass all my emotions. 

ok... i am more emotional than when i started, but if i write anymore, i’m gonna lose all the followers i have so imma stop. long story short, please love all your idols with your entire hearts the way i try to do. support them. love them. care for their well being. just... idk be a good fan to them.

i really love all of you and to those who actually read my emotional break down that is STILL currently happening just not on this post, tell me what you thought about this whole thing in my inbox and if you unfollow me just like... i’d understand tbh.

i really do love all of you and i love all the idols i stan and am going to stan in the future. i have too much love please take some away from me.

anyway, thanks for being with me on this emotional rollercoaster vote for monsta x’s beautiful so that they win their first win guys~!! see you tomorrow

also if someone could send some tissues my way i would love that 

#you guys~~~~~ #i'm still crying~~~~ #i had to take so many breaks because i was crying so hard #it's bad #i might delete this later #isk #who knows #i'll probably forget about this #but seriously guys #love your idols #support them #defend them nicely #acknowledge when they mess up #just... idk man #i'm still crying #ok imma go drink some water #i think i lost a few pounds of water from all the crying #fatuma writes

[gggoblin]

i said this to someone days ago (over the course of a couple days) after a lengthy multi-day conversation we had regarding our lives, our relationship, and specifically some things i had learned while on a social hiatus this month. (for fun i’ll point out that i’m an aries sun, virgo moon, gemini mars, taurus venus, aries mercury, cancer rising, aquarius saturn, aquarius dominant. they’re a libra sun, capricorn moon, libra mars, sagittarius venus, virgo mercury, capricorn saturn.) they haven’t responded to anything i’ve said so this is literally the end of the convo. my optimism turned to realism rather quickly and i realized this was an unintentional break up. not in the traditional sense, but a very specific kind of ending. i recently realized how to stop holding myself back, and now i can no longer allow other people to hold me back either. i’m posting this as a reminder, not some kind of call out. this was directed towards them, but it’s also a letter to myself as well as everyone else i know. these words were several years overdue to both them and myself. i’ve been holding back on my honesty so i’m posting this with all of its out-of-context glory to share some of the light and help whoever can relate or wants to take anything from it. opting out of a read more so forgive me por favor. excuse the typos and shitty grammar. down to clarify anything that seems confusing. life is good ~

your ego is intolerable and the source of probably all of your problems. you suffocate meaningful conversations with your ulterior motives. you’re not as open as you think you are. you admitted to being unloving inside. you cannot be both unloving and open. your desire for me to open up may have been genuine, but the intent behind that has been mostly self-serving. you like to use me to feed your ego as well as ease you into finally acknowledging just how enslaved you really are. everything is a learning opportunity so the benefits i’ve experienced from this have been strictly coincidence. possibly even luck. i’m not mad, just aware. i know how proud you are that you indirectly help others. that you can manage it being the way that you are. but pride fuels the ego. i know you’ve got a thing for small, harmful pleasures. we’ve all got addictions. the only reason why you recognized the power of my anxiety is bc you experienced it yourself. still currently experiencing. all we can provide to others is what we experience, what we encounter, what we know for certain. it’s important to share who we are and i’m glad that you do that instinctively. but you’ve assumed a lot of inaccurate things about me. things you’ve projected onto me because they are all you know. you don’t understand my personal experience the same way i don’t understand yours. but you feel the need to define me regardless bc that’s what makes you feel safe and secure. being in control. having answers. being right. it makes it impossible for you to fully receive my openness. it makes it impossible for you to trust me as an individual existing outside of the limits of your mind and ego. i made this same mistake in a way. i projected key aspects of who i am onto you. i assumed the level of your inner compassion and have treated you accordingly. assuming you understood things in a way that you actually don’t. shouldn’t have done that. it only limited communication between us. anyway, i understand that i have no idea how to help you solve your problems in the way that you need me to because that’s unknown territory for me. you can get lucky and learn from me, but there’s no order in chance. no method or process. just effort and hope. hopefully this helps you realize the same. you can’t help me bc you don’t understand who i actually am. and you can’t until you figure yourself out some more. same goes for me. again, you did not help me in the way that you believe you did. i can’t stress that enough. but the possibility remains of us eventually syncing up. maybe you already understood that. maybe you already understood all of this. it took me a second to work it out emotionally but sharing now seems like the right thing to do just in case you didn’t realize what was happening. barriers exist for a reason. they are the proof of imbalance. but i wholeheartedly believe we’ll both get our shit together eventually.....well i believe that unless martyrdom is your only real passion in life. if that’s what you have love for, that will be your quest and your legacy. personally i’m interested in something much more complex. something with an infinite number of continually expanding dimensions. if that’s where your heart really is, you’ll always be a dead end for me and i a dead end for you. a cul-de-sac. purposeful but limiting. just another possibility i realized. cool either way. interacting with you always reminds me of just how peaceful my reality is. everything is clear before and after i interact with you. your ego literally sucks the life out of me. it encourages me to not be myself. it’s the opposite of kindness. i can’t help but fight against it. that’s why i stick around. but it’s a battle i can’t win. that’s why i shut down. but again once i’m free to be myself, fighting again doesn’t seem like such a dumb idea. pointing out all the ways the ego can control someone seems like a really smart idea actually. your ego makes you all talk. not only with your ideas and goals, but also literally you never stop talking you never slow down. you always have something to say. some answer or explanation for everything. no concern over how quarter-assed it may be. a clear sign of being afraid of not knowing not having all the answers. when we talk, i’m quick to say i’m confused or don’t understand of don’t know something. i try not to lie to myself about those things bc i know it hinders growth. & i know you notice how often i do these things bc i’ve watched it frustrate you. us not being on the same page. not only with my curiosity though. happens when i disagree also. the “lack of connection” aka lack of confirmation. you literally hate me when i’m not supportive of your ego. that lazy blind faith ideal you’re so obsessed with. you’re so afraid of being wrong. so afraid of being seen as a loser. so insecure about someone else being ahead of you when the competition you’ve signed up for doesn’t even exist. you’re obsessed with winning and being superior. it’s more of a priority than reaching the truth. this has been so obvious. everything is a threat to you. you’re so afraid of the world. you said it yourself. the world is full of danger. it’s peak paranoia. i understand your panic and mania so much more now. i can/could relate to so much of this but there have been clear difference between us. sometimes i’ve wanted to tell you to calm down but i know that would only intensify your feelings. i tried to help by being gentle and nice and loving but that only made things worse. i tried to be direct and tell you that you’re good enough regardless of what’s going on inside of you or what you’ve done, but you’ve never believed me. just used these things against me bc you’re dependent on your ego. life without it scares you. you said the way i am goes against everything that you are. that’s true. your aggressive method went against all that i am. but that changed. i opened myself up and now it’s a part of me. your ego is never going to allow you to give anything other than what you already are a chance. i can barely imagine how frustrating that must be for your soul. don’t think i’m judging you bc i get it. it’s heavy and help from an outside source probably doesn’t exist. you’re the only one who can kill your ego and fighting yourself is hell. no judgement. i understand why you always told me i had it easier than you. everything is harder when your ego prevents you from giving love. so much you can’t feel and therefore so much you can’t learn. so many ways you can’t grow. all of this was so obvious when you decided to spend our entire conversation talking about yourself and how i was wrong and why you were right and how much more you knew. you never even took a second to be happy for me. my life has been getting better every day and you’re not even interested. you were barely interested in what i contributed to the conversation. you felt comfortable continuing our conversation even though you hadn’t read all those texts i sent. you have no idea what i could have said to you. but you didn’t find it important. nothing could have been important enough to you. as long as you’re being ruled by your ego, everyone will always just be pawns to you. you talk about all the ways you’ve made others’ lives better. how damaged they were and how you cured them. you rarely mention learning from others. no significant benefits to experience from those beneath you, right? you never bring up how other people have dealt with things when you try to give me advice. everything comes from you. no other examples. seems like you’ve collected nothing from others. nothing you trust. nothing that could be more informative than what you’ve experienced. your speech, your experiences, your gratitude, your kindness, all of it. so egocentric. it’s a little different when you’re with people and sober. a different kind of social anxiety. you’re afraid of physically feeling how much your ego is hated. you’re afraid of picking up those vibes bc you wont be able to just run away from them. you don’t want to be confronted so you have to tone it down and play nice. but in text or when you’re drunk/fucked up, you feel safe. you can hide. in text you can be as real as you want. when you’re intoxicated, everything can just seem like a joke or a mistake. an excuse to be irresponsible. your ego is such a coward. and it honestly believes it’s being real and open. you are so full of deceit. you honestly believe this is attractive? that you’re better this way? more functional? more productive? cooler? more respected? more confident? you’re lying to yourself more than you’re lying to everyone else. you know all of this. you know you could be so much more. you know you could feel more. do more. give more. take more. you’re just afraid of the struggle. you’re afraid of truly being vulnerable and having to find new ways to be okay in this big scary universe. you assume the unknown is going to feel worse than anything you’ve already felt. but the truth is it wont. it’s going to feel like real brutal happiness. real freedom. not just freedom of expression. freedom in all areas. it’s going to be light even when it’s heavy. because it’s going to be infinitely better than being limited by your ego. it will be a new addiction but an actually healthy one. i know there’s a good chance none of this will affect you. i’m not even assuming you’ll actually read all of this. i’m still mindful of time. you’ll get where you’re going when you’re supposed to. but i care so i have to say something. i have to try to help you however i can but i also have to make sure you understand you can’t fuck around with me anymore. if i don’t get offended, i wont feel guilty. if i don’t feel guilty, i wont feel like a failure. if i don’t feel like a failure, i wont be blinded by my own ego. and if i’m not blinded by my own ego, i can see everything clearly. if you don’t change anytime soon, i can see you becoming consumed by the hate you feel for me and everything that i am. you wont want to talk to me anymore if i don’t give you what you want. i wont mind if it happens. i wont be upset and i wont judge you. my love for you has never been conditional. i’ll still be here in some way if you ever see things differently. maybe it’s also important to acknowledge that i see that you’re trying. i can’t remember if i addressed that or not. i notice when you’re making attempts. they’re confirmation that a you beyond your ego exists. the real you is real. you are seen. i guess i now understand your smoking dependency too. maybe it really does help you feel things you can’t otherwise. maybe it makes you feel like the person you really are beyond your ego. i never judged you for that but i never fully understood the importance either bc i projected my feelings onto you. just seemed like a shortcut. but i get it now. maybe if we both smoked, we really would have synced up and everything would have seemed so easy and peaceful. you know, if we only interacted when we had smoked. but we would have learned nothing. that finish line would have been the starting line. there are no shortcuts on a circle. we just wouldn’t have moved at all. we would have missed everything. the whole journey. the whole cycle. but i understand the appeal. definitely seems a hell of a lot better than suffering and being separated. but things aren’t always as they seem. i still think this is way better and way more satisfying. the higher the goal, the harder the struggle. 

#important #life #so much was said prior to this #i have a lot in common with this person