#but my brain is still like “here's some anxiety :)”

[ledzeppelinmixtape]

wish house was a real doctor so i could be his mystery insomniac patient and after giving me horse tranquilizers and still not falling asleep he just hits me in the head with his cane and im out like a light

#house md #i was supposed yo be asleep 2 hrs ago cause i planned to get up very early to study but LMAO NO #as soon as i shut my eyes my chest felt like it was being ripped to shreds from anxiety. i love i love it i love it (←says guy who hates it #anyways. i got mad i cried i googled some things frantically and now im in an acceptance phase of 'it is what it is' ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ #i think the thing that makes me the most frustrated is that. i slept like shit last night. like 4hrs maybe!!!! total!!! and so by the time #i started studying today around 6:30 i was eepy. and then by 7:15 my eyes were sooo heavy so i decided to take a 15 min power nap #and i was DREAMING within minutes. i fell asleep that quick. such a deep sleep that my alarm scared me awake #but ofc when im like oh teehee ill go to bet hella early and wake up hella early my brain is like ? no. #if youre still reading. idk im kissing you on the mouth or something. thanks for being here 🫶 #gonna start tagging these posts as #insomnia chronicles

[iwanttobepersephone]

Y'all ever get obsessed with a fandom despite never interacting with the original thing and basing your understanding of it purely off of what the common consensus among the fandom is?

And then, years later, your brain decides to briefly get obsessed with it again, but instead of going and watching the original content, you just base everything off of your now even more vague understanding of canon? And then, eventually, you end up just creating your own thing that's slightly based on the original concept?

Yeah, that's me with Sanders Sides right now

Anyways, here's some doodles

#I want to be even more clear #I DO NOT KNOW ANYTHING CANON ABOUT THIS #All I know is that incorrect quotes are funny #the fandom was cool back in 2020 when I was still in it #and Thomas Sanders is an awesome guy #that being said I love these two #and for some reason my brain has decided they are ex-boyfriends #something about anxiety and deceit is just so perfect cause like what is anxiety if not you deceiving yourself? #also I have gathered from interacting with the fandom that Janus has snake themes (duh) and that Virgil has spider themes but #I'm not too sure on the Virgil bit #cause I don't even remember like where I found that out from #anyways heres the actual tags #sanders sides #virgil sanders #janus sanders #sanders sides art #art #my art #thomas sanders #I should probably go watch some of the videos huh #anxciet

[da-proti-toku-grem]

.

#genuinely why am i like this? #i think i never said it here but (if you've seen my posts about wanting to quit uni) #i actually decided i was definitely going to quit for real #i just don't like what i'm doing and i made up my mind. talked to my parents and everything and i made the decision #i still haven't talked about it with my uni and i actually don't know what i'll have to do to make it official #but that's not what i was going to say here #what i mean is that i didn't go to any of my exams right? #and the thing is that i haven't talked about this with any of the people at uni. not my professors and not any of my classmates #i mean i didn't really make friends there tnh #but there where 4 girls that i sat with in class and i talked to them and all that #so yeah i wouldn't consider them my friends but i've talked a lot with them the past few months #mostly with two of them because we were in the same group in all of our practices #and these two girls have texted me to ask me what happened bc i haven't been to any of the exams and the haven't seen me in uni #and since i didn't say anything they were probably worried about me #the first one texted me 8 days ago and the other one 5 days ago #and i still haven't answered any of them #why? i don't fucking know #but my social anxiety doesn't let me for some reason #i don't think their going to judge me for quiting or anything tbh #but for whatever reason my brain doesn't let me answer some simple text saying “hey i haven't seen you at uni. are you okay?” #just thinking that i will have to explain to them the whole situation scares me #(well maybe not the whole situation but at keast the fact that i'm quiting y'know?) #and all this is already making me feel like shit #but then the thought that they're worrying about me and i haven't answered and maybe that is making them worry more quicks in #and i feel like such a shitty person right now bc they don't deserve me ignorning them when they're just being nice #i'm just so fucking tired of this shit and idk what to do #“answer those fucking texts. they just want to know you're okay” one half of my brain tells me #“but i just.. can't” another half cries #venting #maca speaks

[sovaharbor]

what did i do to deserve an ibs flare-up at 11 pm.......

#i mean i went way too hard at dinner for someone whos getting over a migraine. so. thats probably it #also i wasnt really feeling the snack i ate but i made myself eat some anyway bc i was getting Weird Anxiety so. exposure therapy. #however the exposure therapy kicked my gastrocolic reflex into high gear and now. here i am. #sittin on da bathroom floor. heating pad on my tummy. mourning that stupid stupid idea to eat peanut butter crackers #summer's text tag #also if u want an inside look into how insane ocd and emetophobia can be: #two of our cats puked tn. it was 100% from the cat food they both ate for Their dinner. #but for some reason my brain has been like 'no... no. it was actually the chicken u ate tn.' bc ONE of the cats who puked i gave a teeny bi #of my chicken tenders to. and so. yah. my brains like welp. even tho ur other cat didnt have ANYTHING. u gave em both food poisoning #and now YOU have food posioning. and ur gonna suffer for all of eternity now. this is the worst thing that could ever happen to u #or!!!!! my brain has ALSO been telling me 'you got cat saliva on ur hand from one of the cats that got sick from their food so now YOU are #also sick. from their food. from a single POTENTIAL saliva hand. and now u will suffer. this is the worst thing ever for u.' #but blah blah blah blah i am strong i am brave and even when im not brave im actually still brave for being scared [like rn] #i just wanna finish in here so i can go to BEDDDDD

[gregmarriage]

was thinking last night, as i was falling asleep, that caring abt what ppl think is so BORING and EXHAUSTING and i’m so OVER IT

#i can’t be bothered to give a shit anymore fr fr #doesn’t mean i don’t *not* care sometimes bc like literally no one in the world truely gives NO shits but still #i’ve also lived with anxiety my whole life and i have autism and my brain is weird for many different reasons imao #but yeah i’m not smoking that shit no more #i don’t wanna fucking feel like i did when i was 16 and was subconsciously masking and felt like shit all the time #literally ppl just have to deal with me #i’m weird sometimes i’m cringe i talk too loud #i have a cane and i can and will hit you with it if pushed too far #i am a pacifist but some people really are the exception to that rule #take me as i am fuckers <3 #ppl who like for ME are the best #my love for you is unconditional just like yours for me <3 #honestly just i’m general if your love for someone has conditions you don’t love that person let’s be real here #if you have to push them to be something you want them to be you don’t love THEM you love the image you’ve created in your head for them to #be #anyways i’m rambling lol #but yeah #gwen rambles #gwenposting

[yaminerua]

at this point idk what it is specifically but I don’t think there’s a single neurotypical person living in this house and the state it’s in shows that

if you walked into this place you’d immediately stage an intervention bc clearly none of us are able to get started on what needs fucking done let alone maintain it to an acceptable level jfc

#I WANT TO TIDY UP! I WANT TO DE-CLUTTER!! #I want to get rid of the dust and the webs and be able to keep on top of everything #but I just can’t get anywhere with it and I sit for months screaming internally to just so SOMETHING #only to be hit with a brief burst of motivation to tackle some aspect of it and failing to get anywhere #bc the task is insurmountable on my own and no one else is in a mode to help when I need it #My brother is autistic and I am almost certain my dad has undiagnosed adhd and idk if I’m something too #There’s definitely something malfunctioning up here in my brain besides the Depression and Anxiety monsters but idk what #I don’t relate fully to autism or adhd stuff I read or hear about but there are still some things that do resonate #but it’s like I don’t think I share enough in either to say im one or the other #But sometimes I struggle enough with shit for me to wonder if maybe there is something going on that isn’t being addressed #but it’s so hard ti figure out how much of that is just trauma and depression and anxiety and all that messy shit #anyway sorry it’s just endlessly frustrating #I want to be on top of the upkeep of the house but it’s in such a state it’s hard enough trying to sort that #and the worst part is I know even if it was magically cleaned and tidied to perfection tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to keep it that way #even with the best intentions in the world

[bonnie-bug]

made the mistake of watching one of those fake emergency broadcast videos on youtube (specifically one based in quebec where a good chunk of the world was rapidly covered in 14+ meters of snow in the middle of summer) and even tho it wasn’t supernatural spooky scary it hasnt left my fuckin head and now i cant stop thinking “what if something like that happens. what if there’s a demon attack. what if there’s some kind of creature in ur hallway right now. what if a fuckin scp was real and your only warning was an emergency broadcast just like that”

I dont even believe this kind of shit is real WHY is my brain so fuckin paranoid about supernatural shit. lowkey it happens every night but it’s always worse when I watch something even slightly supernatural horror adjacent. why. I only even watched the stupid video BECAUSE it wasnt a creature/scp/supernatural horror based one and I thought I’d be fine :(

#I’ve always had anxiety around alert noises tho :/ my mom was paranoid abt storms and so had a weather alert radio when I was a kid #and since she was always afraid of bad storms that made ME scared and I dreaded every time I heard that radio go off #and it’s the automatic alert sound for so many emergency broadcasts it still gives me an anxiety spike to this day #so maybe that has something to do with it. but why also spooky horror creatures. #it’s never normal shit like ‘’what if a guy broke into our house’’ or anything no it’s always a fuckin demon or something #I should be clear here and say these paranoia. things never actually tip me into an anxiety or panic attack or anything dont worry #but. it IS annoying. and I’m so tired of it. and I’ve come up with coping mechanisms but idk how to make them Stop #bc just saying ‘’bro it’s not real’’ does nothing bc i KNOW its not. but they still keep happening #would these count as some kind of intrusive thought. bc it definitely causes me distress but it’s not like. the harmful idea kind #and idk what the nuance is and what actually counts as an intrusive thought and not just Brains Thinking Shit #And Sometimes That Shit Is Distressing #idk. I’m procrastinating getting my water from the living room bc a lot of my Bad Thoughts are centered around that hallway/living room area #maybe I’ll just turn on the light or something. I dont want to make my dad get my water for me #bc ‘’I watched a slightly spooky video this afternoon and now my brain is convinced demons will kill me’’ is a hard thing to explain #I mean he’d be nice about it and get my water I’m sure but I also dont want him to worry abt me kdbdbdkd #ok. I’ll turn on lights and go. and hopefully I can actually sleep tonight kdbdbdk #I’m not sticking this in my post tag bc I dont want to find it again and trigger another paranoia night lmao

[jesuisgourde]

me: christ why am i so exhausted all the time wtf

also me: stays up til 6am on weekends and then sleeps till past noon and like 4:30am on weekdays when i wake up at 9:45.

#for some reason the time change is really fucking with me this year #probably because i'm also trying to figure out if adderall is doing literally anything for me which it's NOT #so now i have a nice stockpile of useless amphetamines which either make me tired or make my muscles tense but do nothing for my brain #which is frustrating because then i'm sitting here like ''maybe i don't actually have adhd and i'm just slow-witted lol'' #anyway lol i'm still awake and it's 5:30am #oh and i forgot that winter triggers my inexplicable fear of sleep though thank fuck it'll never be as bad as it was in 2016 #back when it was vaguely explicable as trauma processing or coming down from a full year of high alert anxiety or whatever you call it

[radioactivebowtie]

Finn’s Mindscape? Let’s Discuss-

I am going to have so much fun with this YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW

Warnings: Childhood trauma, Liminal spaces, Anxiety attacks, sensory overloads (For my sona not for you!)

I used the bulleted lists here to organize my thoughts as they came. I don't think that I'll use them much, but it felt like a fitting way to format this :D

OK ENJOY!!!

Ok so there are lots of things that I haven’t fully explained about Finn’s backstory. But! Those things might be briefly mentioned here, though I’m unsure it would make much of a difference. This is going to get so very intense

So it's their office

Talk about burying yourself in your work

Despite being their office, it's just three walls full of monitors, wall to wall.

Everything that would make the office Finn's, any posters or niche collectibles are gone, there is NOTHING to focus on except for the wall to wall monitors.

each and every one of them is the only thing that are lighting up the room.

the fourth wall looks normal, the large window has its blinds shut, and you cannot open or adjust them in any way.

next to the window is their door, the one that would lead normally lead you into the hallway- BUT if you go through the door here?

you come back out at the back wall, the door is back to being in front of you and the door you JUST went through is now gone. The only thing behind you is the monitors.

NOW ABOUT THE MEMORIES

SO! the screens all around them are playing different memories from their entire life.

All of them are playing at once, they switch off to play a different memory at random-

So the room? SENSORY OVERLOAD!!

I'm also telling you that the room just SCREAMS trauma.

They don't want to go into certain memories, or even look at them like they would during their average workday- but they have to.

So to enter a memory they have to press play on the screen before it switches to another - the only thing that they have to go off of is whatever video that plays to share the memory!

So each memory is a little bit different depending on how much they actually remember it,,

The more they remember it the clearer the tape is, the light audio that plays into the room is clear-

BUT the more forgotten the memory is the worse it is audibly and visually, the screen is full of static and visual noise, the audio is skipping and glitching out.

Despite all of their good memories they do have to sort through a considerable amount of trauma, and unluckily they don't have a lot of time to prepare for it because the screens just keep changing, and they keep pressing play on the wrong ones!!

This room is absolutely designed to give them a panic attack-

and it succeeds

Finn will absolutely have multiple breakdowns inside the room, sitting curled up on the floor panicking - the memories from their childhood are too fresh, they create panic and anxiety to see.

They will accidentally press play on the memory of when JR had originally found them, seeing it from a third person perspective, them as a child crying on the ground, the house that they supposedly grew up in.

They watch all the extraction teams wander the broken home - the home that they barely remember feels grainy, more of a liminal space than it should be just because they barely remember it.

most of the memories before they turned five are grainy, glitchy, and filled with noise. They are basically unwatchable.

That's both, just fine with them and also frustratingly heartbreaking-

Unsure of the memory they have to look for, they try and balance the good memories that they don't mind reliving or watching with the ones that give them genuine panic attacks-

They keep pressing play on the screens, their ears feel like their ringing because of the constant static noises and the background humming of all the monitors?

They feel like they are slowly going insane

When they finally get out of the space by finding the memory they were looking for? They have to recuperate.

It takes a little while, They can't go into work again for a while unless they absolutely have to based in how serious the situation that required them to find that memory was.

When they do come back to work they can’t stay in their office for long, people are used to them wandering during shifts after they get bored

It’s a common occurrence

But they are wandering more often, seeing them sitting in other peoples offices, wandering the halls and still barely talking to the people-

THAT IS THE PART THEY FIND MOST CONCERNING

After a couple of days, maybe a week or so? They come back to work basically acting as they did before being in their mindscape.

At least on the outside!! Inside?? They are still having nightmares about their mindscape at night.

Cognito might need a therapist on retainer for situations like this-

#I just had to word vomit all my ideas- #Like there was no real end point here I just had a giant brain blast #and got so excited #I screamed the entire room idea to Laney last night #I was so veyr excited #this is literally the most fun I've had in so long #Like I had an absolute blast making a liminal space that would give me so much anxiety??? #IM SO EXCITED #I hope this is enjoyable #because I'm still shaking in excitement over my idea #I will probably draw this at some point- #IM SO FUCKIN EXCITED #inside jobsona #inside job sona

[six-of-ravens]

#i went from fine to Brain Demons in like 10 mins here whoops #idk why but ive been having good days in theory but then in the evening my brain is like HAVE SOME ANXIETY AND BAD THOUGHTS YOU ASSHOLE!!! #anyway i need to stop scrolling and probably give stardew a break soooo im gonna watch something and maybe write and read more #leaning towards ghibli bc they're guaranteed to be a pleasant time but also watching something intellectually engaging could help me #and spn is there as always. im still on s4 of my rewatch LOL

[raeathnos]

.

#yall I finally got some good fucking news #my grandma’s been in the hospital and was doing very bad and like #we thought the end was near #she improved and got discharged #things still aren’t great but it’s (hopefully) looking more like she has weeks or maybe even months rather than just a handful of days #she’s almost 92 and has late stage Alzheimer’s and the flu is what put her in the hospital but she beat it #yesterday was very stressful #my parents/uncles were all being incredibly vague and my cousins were reaching out for info from me since I’m the only local grandchild #trying to figure out if people several hours away need to drop everything and try to make it here to say goodbye while at work was uh #it was something #I had an emotional break down in the bathroom which was fun #my parents who normally use me as a punching bad were doing it to an even more extreme degree #they still are technically; I get it’s my dad’s mom and he’s hurting more but she’s my grandma and like #the whole way they’ve been treating is just… it broke something in me #relieved she’s okay for now but having to grapple with the fact that this is how they will treat me when it is her time is something #I am an frazzled emotional wreck from everything but she’s okay and that’s what matters in the end #I also had a video interview this afternoon which like #absolutely wild state of mind to be in to do an interview but it’s with a really good company so I didn’t want to cancel #guys #I got a second in person interview! #it pays good and it’s close by and the only thing I don’t like is that it’s second shift #but they said if I get the job I’ll eventually get the opportunity to switch to first shift so like #fingers crossed the next interview goes well #anyways all good news except for my parents being fucking assholes but #I am out of energy emotionally mentally and physically #was trying to keep myself together till the interview and now that it’s over I’m just very done #my anxiety is shot my brain’s checked out and all I wanna do is sleep #I was supposed to be off tomorrow but work called me in and I took the shift cause I need money #I think there is a very good chance that I crash very hard after work tomorrow #which fine

[corpus-chorus]

.

#gonna go on a self-pitying little vent here #but sometimes the way i struggle to write on any half-decent schedule really kills me #it's literally taking me years to finish things #and i know that's so frustrating for some people #you know who it's also really frustrating for? #me #i want to get these ideas out of my head and on paper before they get stale #before the idea of writing them down is exhausting instead of exciting #i love some of these characters and stories so much #but when they've been looming over me for so long #when i've gotten a mountain of 'when are you updating' comments for them #when i've played the same scene that i really wanted to write over and over again in my head until i can't get the original flavor #they turn into these big amorphus blobs of resignation and vague anxiety #where i can barely recognize them for what they were before #and i just wish work and life and responsibility and my own stupid stupid brain #would just let me finish something while it's still fresh #instead of letting it fester like an open wound #this goes out to that one comment from the other day #'bro when are you gonna update this' #i don't know anon and i'm just as frustrated and vaguely annoyed at me about it as you are #ryo rambles #ryo's writing rambles #vent

[deathxproof]

technically I get out of work early (compared to my usual schedule) tomorrow so I’m…. Hoping to get some writing done. or I could pass out as soon as I’m home from work because wake up early. who’s to say.

#ooc ! #I do want to write on tumblr more I just need to. There’s been a weird anxiety hurdle recently. #a lot of overthinking about uh. kind of simple things like talking to people. planning things. replying to stuff without getting a little #anxious. and like. It’s not necessarily a bad thing ! It’s just something I know I have to work through and being here isn’t causing me- #-like. distress or anything. If anything this has actually been Really Good For Me #It just turns out that I am still bothered by some stuff in the past in fandom / rpc spaces that I didn’t realize still bothered me. #nothing that anyone can do about it. including me! I just have to feel better about interacting with other people I don’t know super well- #-again. #How surprising that living at my parents and self-isolating a lot online and irl made the act of making new friends- #-INCREDIBLY difficult and scary for me AGAIN. I used to be good at it. I think. It’s just a rough brain time esp with moving and everything #and ultimately? I’m doing so much better than I ever was before. It’s just. everything’s a lot. #the making of a new blog and writing more on discord and stuff has been good for me though #make no mistake I am SO happy to be Back I’m <33333 very excited about also being really unwell about dr who and my characters again #feels like coming back to life a bit #anyways !!!!! some fun over sharing at midnight !!! #perhaps I’m feeling insecure about myself here. but that’s fine bc I’ll work through it eventually bc I’m having fun <333 #and also missed having a space away from my personal blog tbqh #this started as a post talking about writing drafts and starters.

[cocklessboy]

The biggest male privilege I have so far encountered is going to the doctor.

I lived as a woman for 35 years. I have a lifetime of chronic health issues including chronic pain, chronic fatigue, respiratory issues, and neurodivergence (autistic + ADHD). There's so much wrong with my body and brain that I have never dared to make a single list of it to show a doctor because I was so sure I would be sent directly to a psychologist specializing in hypochondria (sorry, "anxiety") without getting a single test done.

And I was right. Anytime I ever tried to bring up even one of my health issues, every doctor's initial reaction was, at best, to look at me with doubt. A raised eyebrow. A seemingly casual, offhand question about whether I'd ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. Even female doctors!

We're not talking about super rare symptoms here either. Joint pain. Chronic joint pain since I was about 19 years old. Back pain. Trouble breathing. Allergy-like reactions to things that aren't typically allergens. Headaches. Brain fog. Severe insomnia. Sensitivity to cold and heat.

There's a lot more going on than that, but those were the things I thought I might be able to at least get some acknowledgement of. Some tests, at least. But 90% of the time I was told to go home, rest, take a few days off work, take some benzos (which they'd throw at me without hesitation), just chill out a bit, you'll be fine. Anxiety can cause all kinds of odd symptoms.

Anyone female-presenting reading this is surely nodding along. Yup, that's just how doctors are.

Except...

I started transitioning about 2.5 years ago. At this point I have a beard, male pattern baldness, a deep voice, and a flat chest. All of my doctors know that I'm trans because I still haven't managed to get all the paperwork legally changed, but when they look at me, even if they knew me as female at first, they see a man.

I knew men didn't face the same hurdles when it came to health care, but I had no idea it was this different.

The last time I saw my GP (a man, fairly young, 30s or so), I mentioned chronic pain, and he was concerned to see that it wasn't represented in my file. Previous doctors hadn't even bothered to write it down. He pushed his next appointment back to spend nearly an hour with me going through my entire body while I described every type of chronic pain I had, how long I'd had it, what causes I was aware of. He asked me if I had any theories as to why I had so much pain and looked at me with concerned expectation, hoping I might have a starting point for him. He immediately drew up referrals for pain specialists (a profession I didn't even know existed till that moment) and physical therapy. He said depending on how it goes, he may need to help me get on some degree of disability assistance from the government, since I obviously shouldn't be trying to work full-time under these circumstances.

Never a glimmer of doubt in his eye. Never did he so much as mention the word "anxiety".

There's also my psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with ADHD last year (meeting me as a man from the start, though he knew I was trans). He never doubted my symptoms or medical history. He also took my pain and sleep issues seriously from the start and has been trying to help me find medications to help both those things while I go through the long process of seeing other specialists. I've had bad reactions to almost everything I've tried, because that's what always happens. Sometimes it seems like I'm allergic to the whole world.

And then, just a few days ago, the most shocking thing happened. I'd been wondering for a while if I might have a mast cell condition like MCAS, having read a lot of informative posts by @thebibliosphere which sounded a little too relatable. Another friend suggested it might explain some of my problems, so I decided to mention it to the psychiatrist, fully prepared to laugh it off. Yeah, a friend thinks I might have it, I'm not convinced though.

His response? That's an interesting theory. It would be difficult to test for especially in this country, but that's no reason not to try treatments and see if they are helpful. He adjusted his medication recommendations immediately based on this suggestion. He's researching an elimination diet to diagnose my food sensitivities.

I casually mentioned MCAS, something routinely dismissed by doctors with female patients, and he instantly took the possibility seriously.

That's it. I've reached peak male privilege. There is nothing else that could happen that could be more insane than that.

I literally keep having to hold myself back from apologizing or hedging or trying to frame my theories as someone else's idea lest I be dismissed as a hypochondriac. I told the doctor I'd like to make a big list of every health issue I have, diagnosed and undiagnosed, every theory I've been given or come up with myself, and every medication I've tried and my reactions to it - something I've never done because I knew for a fact no doctor would take me seriously if they saw such a list all at once. He said it was a good idea and could be very helpful.

Female-presenting people are of course not going to be surprised by any of this, but in my experience, male-presenting people often are. When you've never had a doctor scoff at you, laugh at you, literally say "I won't consider that possibility until you've been cleared by a psychologist" for the most mundane of health problems, it might be hard to imagine just how demoralizing it is. How scary it becomes going to the doctor. How you can internalize the idea that you're just imagining things, making a big deal out of nothing.

Now that I'm visibly a man, all of my doctors are suddenly very concerned about the fact that I've been simply living like this for nearly four decades with no help. And I know how many women will have to go their whole lives never getting that help simply because of sexism in the medical field.

If you know a doctor, show them this story. Even if they are female. Even if they consider themselves leftists and feminists and allies. Ask them to really, truly, deep down, consider whether they really treat their male and female patients the same. Suggest that the next time they hear a valid complaint from a male patient, imagine they were a woman and consider whether you'd take it seriously. The next time they hear a frivolous-sounding complaint from a female patient, imagine they were a man and consider whether it would sound more credible.

It's hard to unlearn these biases. But it simply has to be done. I've lived both sides of this issue. And every doctor insists they treat their male and female patients the same. But some of the doctors astonished that I didn't get better care in the past are the same doctors who dismissed me before.

I'm glad I'm getting the care I need, even if it is several decades late. And I'm angry that it took so long. And I'm furious that most female-presenting people will never have this chance.

#transgender #queer #transmasc #lgbtqia+ #trans man #sexism #medical sexism #feminism #male privilege

[kittykatinabag]

While I greatly enjoy the subject of place making in urban design, I utterly hate the amount of pandering to capital holders a lot (if not most) of current "place making professionals" do in their work.

#also really hate some of the current trends of 'pop up events' that run for maybe a month and then never again #'its to get peoples imaginations going kristen!' until you realize that you dont actually leave any reliable framework when its done #and theres an inherent bias against creating those frameworks because that requires decentralization of your knowledge #which makes you and your work finacially threatened and even as a nonprofit you still need to make a living #idk im just pondering webs of power and the paradoxes of creating a better world using capitalism instead of dismantling it #also avoiding doing the newest academia bs and trying to avoid any fucking grades talk with the people i know here #because i havent told them that i havent turned anything in yet because depressions been kicking my ass #and they dont get the executive dysfunction part of it because their anxiety is so out of control that it still forces them to do things #and their reward circuits in their brains still work while mine dont anymore #and while they might have sympathy all theyre going to do is suggest solutions which is not what i need rn #also the solutions they will probably give probably wont work because ive tried pretty much off of them except cocaine #and im trying to avoid doing that for obvious reasons #i already know what i need is to 1- live alone; 2- live in a place with more amenities nearby; and 3- have an understanding support system #the problem is money. and circumstances. and having a support system. but mostly money and circumstances #the thing i cant figure out quite yet is why im avoiding telling them instead of just laying it out there #maybe cause it would seem like im putting part of this burden on them? #maybe something in my instincts and years of social observation is telling me that if i tell them their view of me will drastically change? #and then there goes whatever scraps of a support system i have out here #idk its probably just trauma leaking again #late night ramblings

[sanchoyo]

the job has been going surprisingly ok! I got most of my hours for the week done in like 4 days and im kinda hoping next week i can cut that down to getting it done in like, 3 and then having 4 days off lol. but i do have a webinar thing to attend tomorrow and im dreading it dskkfhkj. i never do well at live meeting call thngies. I do ok at in person ones but for some reason web based ones wig me out x_x (its only like 45 mins and mic only so it could be worse??) auggh

#just experiencing Real Heavy anxiety abt it. like im sure itll be fine #but also its kinda objectively funny to have a training/basics and faq webinar. after ive been working here almost 2 weeks? LMAO?? #a bit late for training isnt it?? 😭 ive been learning on the job... #ive made a few mistakes so far and my brain is like. the person is going to call u out on ALl of them and be mad #but. the guide literally said u have 3 months to get ur accuracy up to a certain level . so i know thats just anxiety talking #BUT STILL. #at least i recognized they were mistakes on my own and dont make them anymore?? like im still learning TwT;; #i dont actually hate the job its very chill and a diff vibe from my prev jobs and the work is kinda interesting #like its prob not what id choose to do ideally. but. not mental breakdown type terrible? #like itd never be enough to live off of and the work loads are very inconsistent but. yk. its better than nothing #and better than going back to retail hell. ill die before i go back. #im kinda just hoping theres a lot of new hires at the webinar so i can just knda sit back and chill w/out having to say much lol..pls dont #be a small group... #i also want to try and list more things on depop tomorrow or this weekend bc idk whats going on w me #but i like. hate evryhting i own suddenly ?? and want to kinda overhaul my style... #ugggh. my brain is full of bees lately #sanchoyorambles #i also wanna post some art sometime soon bc my art blog is STAGNATING but i havent had anything huge to post #im working on smthbehind the scenes but its BIG and taking TIME