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kkryboygayman · 2 years

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little personal reflection rant thingy about my mental health progression

i am so fucking self aware that i metaphorically beat my mental illness half to death with a log

for the past 5-6 ish years i had the mindset of "i'm not gonna make it to 18. i don't want to be here. everyone hates me." i was so insecure of what people thought of me, i hated myself so much for any small thing that could be considered a "flaw".

and then i realized. you literally just don't have to care. everything is what you make of it. you can just do and think whatever you want. you just have to deal with the way things are. it's not "things happen for a reason" per se, more of a "things happen. yeah. what can you do?"

you just have to. go with the flow and accept most things. i don't like how my nose looks? welp, i can't change that, can i? that's how i was born, it's a crucial part of what i look like, what makes me distinct from another person. i'm trans, and yea, dysphoria is a bitch, but i've just accepted that fact. not the fact that i was born afab, but the fact that i'm trans. i'm not a cis guy, and i wouldn't be who i am if i was cis. i'd rather be perceived as a trans man than a cis man at times. i'm proud of it even (haha cringe pride month yea yea). it's not a girl body, it's a trans man's body. the parts that give dysphoria, they're not girly or feminine, they're just parts to some dude. people might disagree, but i know i'm right so it doesn't matter.

i used to be so uptight. i used to force myself to be emotional because people said i "wasn't empathetic enough." i used to get upset over the smallest things and jokes because i had the "that's problematic >:(" thinking process (i blame twitter. that site gave the worst mindset). i used to be so pressed over what people thought, if they didn't like me.

and then i came to the conclusion. "just don't give a fuck." and it has worked tremendously. i can let myself breathe, i don't worry much about those things anymore. i can laugh at the youtuber's insensitive joke. i can jam out to my favorite band even if they say faggot. i don't care if someone doesn't like me, at least i have other people who do, and that's so much more important. and y'know what they say, "any publicity is good publicity." ; in the words of patrick stump, "i don't care what you think, as long as it's about me."

it's really fuckin annoying and difficult when people tell you "don't worry about what they say" or something along those lines. but it is just like that. the only thing about that though, is that those phrases only work once you figure it out on your own. you don't understand until you just do. i just became self aware, that i'm a real person, and i have a whole life ahead of me. you never truly understand until you process these things on your own accord.

i don't want to die, i want to experience all the things i want, i want to try and live out the small dreams i have. i want to be a rockstar. like genuinely that's my dream. seems impossible and stupid, right? well, you won't know if you don't try. and so what if i don't become one? i have so many other things that could happen, i'm just gonna see where life takes me.

yeah, i still do have my moments, but this is an overall thing, not just my occasional breakdowns.

whenever my mind tries to run into the "what if"s and anxieties, i just distract myself, even if it's not completely. put on a youtube video, not something you have to focus too hard on. put on some music, sing along. one thing i find that really takes my mind off of things is reciting lyrics of a certain band's songs. it has to be the same band, and if you mess up you gotta start over.

tldr; the whole mindset that made my life so much easier is just "go with the flow, don't think about it too much." y'know what they say, ignorance is bliss. it truly is.

#mental health #rant #personal #tw suicide mention #but like not in a bad way ish #this is cringe you don't have to read it

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carnivalcarriondiscarded · 8 months

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Bard-aby <3 except he's only loosely a bard bc i don't subscribe to absolutes <3

rambles:

BARNABY WITH PANTS??? BLASPHEMY!!! however this is a (dnd-inspired) fantasy au so. pants! loose pants tucked into modified boots because no one can tell me No!

based off of Clown's pokemon au human Barn, it seems like he might be a bit of a jewelry guy! he was wearing rings! and had an earring! also i think Barn just looks great w/ some extra shinies, yk yk

since ties aren't really a Thing in fantasy settings, i combined the iconic pattern w/ his vest for a two-in-one. then suspenders bc they fuck severely! his belt buckle is a bone both as a nod to the pattern on his tie / house decoration, and to go along with how Wally has an apple buckle! besties stay twinning!

you can't see it but on his other side he has his pack & his smoking pipe holster, which attaches to his belt! it's very high quality leather that he spent so much money on. his pipe is important to him - he carved it himself out of wood from an important tree from his childhood, so he wants it to be properly stored & protected! he has two kinds of tobacco for it - normal, and magic tobacco that essentially allows him to cast minor spells w/ the smoke

the feathers on his hat are from Ms. Beagle! in my mind he left the farm to go adventuring on a bit of a bad note, but his mama made sure to give him a couple feathers to take with so that she'd always be close <3

he keeps his claws blunt so that he doesn't accidentally scratch people/things, and so that he can play stringed instruments without cutting the strings. while i imagine for this au he plays a wide range, he prefers Loud Handheld Instruments that allow him to sing along. so in mind he has an Accordion here! loud! jaunty! but i imagine he also keeps a recorder in his pack for when Frank needs annoying. (he did have a lute, but he broke it over someone's head in the act of defending Wally's honor)

im still trying to pin down the right balance of colors for his outfit, but! for a little au tidbit - all of his spots are the same two blues as his ears. in this im imagining that he, at a young age, learned a very basic cosmetic spell that allowed him to change his spots color to mimic Ms. Beagle's! he wanted to look like his mama! but by the time he's in his late 20s he no longer changes his spots

ohhhh i forgot to add his pockets. Oh Well

#i wanted him to look um.... Put Together?#barn strikes me as a character that likes to look a lil sophisticated in a way!#and i wanted that to come across in this fit... dont know if i succeeded #i still wanted to have Bard-ish / Barnaby Vibes #i can easily imagine him reclined by a tree absentmindedly playin his accordion... smokin... in this outfit hat tipped down over his eyes #barnaby my beloved <3 #and bardaby my beloved <3 #also ill admit!!!#that lute is traced from a real image lmfao there was no way in hell i was scribbling that thing from scratch #scribble salad #wh fantasy au #i lowkey feel bad for barnaby when he finds out about the whole warlock thing #bc hes been traveling with wally for Years #barnaby likes to think that he knows everything about his little buddy #and then wally has to be like 😬#yeah im actually not technically a real person #also there's this 'demon' i have a pact with & also a weird kinda non-platonic Cant Be Accurately Labeled intimate relationship with #oh and i sometimes sacrifice innocent people to it in a pinch. the rest of the time we eat enemies' souls #and barnaby just has to! deal with that! like oh great! his bestie has been lying to his face since they met!#ands its been Seamless Lying!#suffice to say barnaby has a crisis #and now since wally can be more open about home #there's a sort of... pointless Rivalry for wally's attention/affection #even though barnaby definitely misjudges the situation and how home feels about wally...#oh switching gears back to the instrument thing!#in my mind barnaby also knows how to play the harp really well #and howdy's tavern has a corner for live music - which includes a permanently placed harp <3 #so i think on quiet days barnaby will go play the harp while howdy cleans glasses & the others do their own quiet things #maybe its raining outside! or Snowing! but the tavern is cozy and warm & there is beautiful music <3

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cathalbravecog · 11 months

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first thing i drew on my new tablet to test it out is the tv beast themselves

#gonna take a while to get used to... tfw u get an intuos for the buttons but realize u have #way too much muscle memory for ur old keyboard shortcuts (im talking YEARS. of the same/similar shortcuts. like. when did i get my first #tablet???? 2015??? YEAH.) (not my latest one btw i went thru a few tablets but yknow)#oh well!! ill see #took a bit to get used to but eventually i got into the swing of it since the work space on this is a bit smaller than my old one #i LOVEEEEE how the pen feels tho like the brush strokes its more consistent and i think ill be able to do good if ... my hand isnt hurty #and once i get less shaky with it!!!!! its sooo good. then again my old tablets pen had...its nib for 2+ish years #YEAH IT WAS BAD BAD....kept asking for replacement nibs but wouldnt get em #oops... oh well! anyways we ar the SMOOOOFFF zone HEE HEE #anyways i misse ddrawing cathal............. the skrunkle . the him. care him much very much a lot #trying out different ways to draw him too #and not try to be as on model as i was before... just have fun yknow??? get stylized and funky with it!§§§§!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HEEHEHEHEHEEE #soarry my brain wants to amsh buttons randomly rrly hard rn so its evil laugh time #ok normal tags time GO #toontown #toontown corporate clash #multislacker #cathalposting #guz art

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justanotherfanartist · 22 days

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#my dumb stuff #poll #polls #tumblr polls #im just curious mostly #totally won’t influence the way I write them at all #in a silly way of course #never mind the fact that these are some of my players in a high stakes sci fi ish political drama allegory that I’m writing #not the Main Two tho that are pitted against eachother these are just the main spy type cast they have at their disposal #for some good old fashioned espionage and power of information type shit #my Main Two are funny tho cus one of them is essentially a JFK stand-in and the other ones like #what if the most insufferable Wall Street bro you’ve ever seen genetically modified to be as annoying as humanly possible was also #incredibly good at giving speeches and making money #and he sucks so bad btw I hate his guts but he’s also my twisted babygirl #I love my Kennedy boy too tho what can I say #I love my writing projects #this one’s got a cool name too and I feel like if I can get the plot worked out I’d have a really cool standalone novel #I’ve got the themes and writing style and some characters worked out same with particular motifs and repeated metaphors and stuff #I just need the plot beats #and I just read John Trubys Anatomy of Genres so like I’m psyched and ready to go baby this is gonna be so fun

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thebirdandhersong · 8 months

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well mark that down as situation 2938489 that I don't know how to handle

#i would love advice on this if y'all have any thoughts to share because i know what my parents think and im having trouble sorting it out #i love these three friends of mine but it is really draining to be around them now because all they will talk about is church drama #(re: our old church) and rehashing it all and being Outraged about the horrors etc etc #either that or being downright condescending about protestants/non denominations and acting like it's funny to talk like that all the time #i end up being more angry or resentful or exasperated at the end of our conversations than glad and at peace like i did before #(before all THIS ish happened and the three of them were like okay this is all we're going to talk about now)#i've tried to say in gentle ways (i am simply not capable of this kind of blunt confrontation) that maybe we should not be talking #so uncharitably towards other people especially behind their backs. like. yes bad things happened. we have to acknowledge that.#but continually making jokes and jibes at a priest's expense really rubs me the wrong way especially since i KNOW that he loves us #and in many ways was trying his best in the circumstances. and are we not supposed to be loving our neighbour #and is this not downright slander to keep going on this way esp since it goes on for HOURS at a time #anyway i don't know what to DO because if i keep chatting with them/meeting up with them conversation will be 90% this thing and i Hate It #but on the other hand i feel responsibility towards them because my godson's one of them and another is a friend who is a fairly recent #convert and if i leave them to stew in their own echo chamber i doubt it'll do them good #am i supposed to keep some distance? am i supposed to keep arguing whenever one of them says something unkind or inflammatory?#am i supposed to keep speaking up so that they hear a different perspective? am i supposed to run in the other direction for my own peace o #mind? anyway i am still thinking this over and it stresses me OUT #it used to be fun and life giving to be around these people and now it is so exhausting and seriously alarming in many ways

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rotzaprachim · 7 months

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idk this is a discussion for Jews (and other marginalized people) but I’ve always felt really iced out of or even disturbed by people esp goyim casually stating support for Jews “killing our oppressors” as the Solution for all our problems when the reality is that antisemites outnumber Jews by such incredible numbers that the result would be incredible carnage and also it’s all a sign of how little goyim really reckon with antisemitism as a widespread and potent modern force.

Furthermore while I am in no way here wishing to describe Palestinians as our oppressors, the idea that what an oppressed group actually needs to be safe is just violence and to be armed- to be Jews with guns, Jews who can fight Back, Jews Tough Enough to respond to what happened to Us- is a huge aspect of the modern ideology that keeps justifying anti Palestinian violence as well as the Zionist “new Jew.” Like the reality here is there’s no way out without asking Jews to profoundly disarm themselves and reevaluate our relationship with militarism, lay down the arms, and that fits uncomfortably with the global reality of antisemitism- also begging the question, why do discussions center the Jews’ culpability for turning towards armed nation state based solutions rather than the world’s culpability for making a profoundly non violent people kneel at the hour or organized militaries and mandated conscription as the only means of safety. The answers to these questions lie at complex junctures of Israeli demilitarization and disarmament and return of land and nation but also global culpabilities to create a world in which Jews don’t need to be Jews with Guns to live but either way it strays so far from either Christian centrist rhetoric of turning the cheek and tumblr cultural Christian rhetoric of maybe if we just killed the right people everything would be fine and the route to Justice of all oppressed peoples is violence (regardless of what happens when multiple oppressed peoples have been turned against each other, as imperialism loves to make happen)

#Personal #ish?#I need a way to tag this #But yeah like our deassimilation from militarism here grr chomp hiss #I get extreme whiplash every day from the things goyim think Jews should or shouldn’t do #No I don’t want my oppressors dead do you REALISE how many more of them there are than me?#This is literally not a luxury that has ever been extended to me and I’d enjoy the vaguely fascist worldview that makes #Justice as simple as our oppressors - the Bad people- being killed so the Good can live #Unfortunately that logic is literally what the worst actors in this current conflict preach so idk/

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welcometoteyvat · 1 year

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jing yuan and yanqing are giving zhongli and xiao if the latter’s canon relationship was Actually fanon’s made up father figure/adopted child dynamic

#idkkkkkkkkkkkkk who looks at zx and is like 'you know what. this is a healthy parent child relationship'#like girl by fitting them into father son boxes you are actively making their relationship imbalance Worse #if you do that and dont shy away from it i respect that but if you say dad/son makes their relationship more wholesome or whatever like WHY #now i wont deny shippers might do that too but i see the dad son version so much i think im just averse to it by default #also because i think father son makes people actively Try to make their relationship something that its not and it erases a bunch of subtlet #subtleties in it. it's the nuanced r/ship -> entirely unproblematic and flavorless r/ship that i hate #also the number of people who'll block if you ship zx. like damn thats crazy you guys really think theyre father son (fake)???#at their peak they're like. 4000 year old guys who have too much history and repression and some weird entanglement of 'nah im bothering him #too much' and 'gotta protect him w my life' complexes. and then this devolves into theyre never gonna kiss until 3000 more years have passed #listen they just Contain Multitudes idc if you dont ship it just dont make it into dad and son and we will be so gucci #jing.yuan and yanqing are like different i think mostly bc yanqing is actually like a minor and jing yuan is also a normal ish person #plus the light cone and the abouts?? yeah this is an actual like adopted parent/child thing #also good or bad news i caved and am now playing hsr. the plan is to pull yanqing and then go on infinite hiatus in the game 👍#JWKFLJWEK i dont think theres really any draws for me besides him. personally neutral on turn based combat and the open world isn't giving #the only saving grace i have rn is 1) ive gotten to the part where bron.seele is real and man theyre gay 2) trailblazer trio 3) tall female #mc 4) everyone has way better emoting abilities than genshin 5) su.shang's really cute <3 #the story doesnt really interest me though its like cool but not mindgrippingly interesting #tbf i think genshin is the same way storyline wise (at the beginning) but the difference is that turn based combat isnt really my thing LMAO #ramblings!#zhongxiao #if you want to filter it out ??

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ssstrawberryflowers · 7 months

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schoolkid V2 (i think she'd be the thug type)

no-table, no-bubble, no-both versions, as well as some closeups under the cut! (cw: visible underwear (im so sorry about this))

variants:

closeups:

#yeah its for my own stupid school au #they go to another school than V1 cause i think they'd get bad grades (on purpose) and be really thug-ish #also because when they did go to the same school as V1 they just kept fighting like. always #they would see eachother in the hallway or courtyard and they'd literally have to be restrained by other students and teachers #cause V2 would taunt V1 to a fight constantly (also part of the reason they're the one who transferred)#they just hate eachother a lot (especialy V2)#they'd also be like. the kind to start fights really easily with absolutely everyone (despite them being concieved as a peace keeper)#and to not follow the dress code properly #(hence the slit idea which doubles as an aid for added mobility (aka crouch sliding))#probably swears a lot too (given i imagine they have a fairly advanced voicebox)#and they get bad grades cause they can't be assed to study but are actually really really smart and could go to a top uni/college v easily #gets sent to the supervisor's office or to detention on a regular basis #and has often been threatened with the “we're gonna have to expel you if you keep this attitude young machine”#they're also like. a grade behind V1. little sibling.#ghhgghghghghh im so sorry about the visible underwear tho #i just wanted them to have a huge slit in their skirt for mobility reasons as well as to show their more “thug”ish attitude #but then i realized that the way they'd be sitting would show her undies #please understand there was no underlying intent #im sorry. im so sorry #ultrakill #v2 ultrakill #school au #high school au #fanart #my art #should i have made an actual post for these ideas for this au? yes #will i actually do one? probably. idk #i enjoy imagining this stuff as a person who wasn't able to attend normal high school #this is literal wish fulfilment. you look in the dictionary and you see this under the definition (its not a single word but you get wim)#so much stuff in these tags. so much. soooo much. im so sorry

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laugtherhyena · 2 months

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3:23AM, time to post Hatamori fankid and retreat back into my hiding hole

#this is what i was referring to in my last post #sometimes ideas will just pop into my head and i will be unable to resist the urge #i missed sprite editing. it had been a while since i last made a person's sprite #anyways her name is Akira and I haven't decided if it's Akira Tomori or Akira Hatano yet #i like both of their surnames a bunch #thinking of her from a scenario where Ayame and Kizuna survive the kg and get together a while afterwards #Akira is adopted. obviously. Her biological parents died in the tragedy she was adopted at around 4-6 years old #doesn't remember how her bio parents where because she was like? 1-2 years old when they died?#being with them in whatever happened that led to their deaths she may have some form of memory problem from the accident(?)#Akira is pretty forgetful and slow on the uptakes. but it's nothing too worrisome #she doesn't actually care that she can't remember her bio parents because the family she has now is much more important to her #she takes more after Kizuna especially in tems of personality (tho definitely not as bad as she used to be in Dra if you know what i mean)#put them in a room together and they will gossip and talk about random shit for hours #she loves Ayame too! they just don't talk a much? Akira used to follow her everywhere when she was a kid but now that she grew up #Ayame being the awkward-ish person she is struggles a bit on how to talk/interact with her #they work out together sometimes and Ayame will always volunteer to listen to Akira play some new song she's writing #and give her opinions on it #as you can see she is a musician. aspiring rockstar specifically #this came to her as a way to vent about the tragedy and all that mess sorta #may ramble more some other time i am getting sleepy #dra #danganronpa another #fankid #hatamori #sprite edit #edit #hyena scribbles #Akira Tomori Hatano

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capricious-bastard13 · 6 months

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I've watched Jack's (Jacksepticeye's) playthrough of MyHouse.Wad, and at first, because I only heard of Doom and never played it, I let it play in the background. Until Jack's voice starts reading the attached letter to the game.

My thought immediately went, "This is something, and I feel like I'll like this something." I rewind it and watched it from the very start to the end. But I felt it wasn't all that it was, I bounced from his to the comments, explaining the game and all being recommended to play it for yourself. I don't have the resources to do so, so when I saw a comment about a video explaining it, I looked it up. The video lays out the house and the different ways you can go from point a to point b. I've seen Power Pak's after watching Jack's playthrough. And just now, I've watched Pyrocynical's video and theory on it.

There's two that stood out to me, near the end; he lays out the theories and practically dismisses the queer interpretations of it. Until now, I've always been in the camp of "Thomas and Steve were a couple, but due to the time period, or their families, they kept it hidden." When watching Pyro's video, I started realising, why were there pills on the bathroom floor, why the crib, the ring? And I felt like Pyro was nearly there, he was so close to putting it together.

But he dismisses Thomas perhaps being trans or that Steve and Thomas are gay--calls a "fat stretch" and "Level difficulty: Medium" respectively.

I've prefaced all this, because as someone who's transmasc, it felt invalidating. For months I've seen this game--although I never played it and only watched it--as a queer story of grief and loss, of processing that loss, of going through stages of denial, of reliving memories, of just wanting to reach an end where you feel at peace, of looking back on that journey and thinking to yourself that you've made it--past the hardships to a place where you can feel at peace again.

MyHouse.wad being as ambiguous as it is but leaving all these little tidbits is as when it comes to art, hard to piece together. But hearing about how there's also a trans interpretation of made me perk up, thinking, "oh, it's going to be talked about in detail," only to be disappointed.

So, despite being that MyHouse.wad has probably had this interpretation ("tHeOrY") put up already, I still felt compelled to write my own view on it using the pieces that I know of--but, there might be details that I describe vaguely because I don't remember them all that much.

We get tiny little small glimpses of Thomas through Steve's entries, of introduction we get along with the link to download it. And even just from the descriptions of the items in the game like the ring, the die, and whatnot. And the first thought is, "oh, they're gay, but they're not out," which is a sad thought, yes. But I held that interpretation close to me. It's a journey of Steve trying to get through his grief, of plunging in to his thoughts, dismantled and breaking apart as they are. The rawness of everything, of how for him, it probably felt so fresh still and this game, of going through their mod map is his way of processing--never mind how it consumed him, as he said.

And what I consider to be the best ending; the real beach, with a heart on the sand, initials--"S and A, forever". Who's 'A'? Isn't it supposed to be 'T' for Thomas?

I've seen how 'A' could be for "Allord", Thomas' last name, and at the time, yeah, maybe it is A for Allord. But what if it isn't? What if 'A' is the deadname--using that initial, despite it being a deadname, was probably used to protect them, protect him-Thomas. To be seen a heteronormative couple to get away from the hate, the stares, the animosity.

What about the excerpt of their death? Thomas' photo clearly being of a man? Well, that's just it. It's an indication of how the family has accepted Thomas for who he is and to honor him properly, used what a photo of what he looks like now, of who he really is. Proudly too, showing him as Thomas Allord, age 35, in the newspapers. This is their son, brother, and husband.

This is certainly something that will be labeled as a "fat stretch". The crib, then? The pills? And the bloodied bathroom? Perhaps, Thomas had gotten pregnant, experienced a miscarriage in the airport bathroom and had to be rushed to the hospital. As Steve puts in the description of the baby bottle; "It wasn't meant to be." And as he writes in his journal entry, he had a dream, a baby crying in the attic, in the crib, a still born baby.

Perhaps, Thomas was ready to carry the baby--their baby and due to complications, what happened, happened. They'd already bought the crib, but put it away, and we see, maybe both of them had hope that they still had a chance, clinging on.

"If Steve and Thomas are together as you say, then why does Steve refer to Thomas as "my friend" or "my childhood friend"?" Living through life closeted brings habits, unfortunately.

I've grown up without realising that I'm trans, and it was only the past few years where I've realised that the gender I was given and raised to be, isn't who I am. Despite my family knowing, they still call me with feminine pronouns, I get referred to as "sister", or "she/her" a lot of the times. And it's become the biggest norm for me that they just fly by my head without even noticing it, without getting the chance to say "that's not my pronouns".

Is this a "weak" point of the "theory"? No, because I see it as valid. People who aren't out or don't have the chance to express who they are live day to day with being misgendered, seen as someone they're not. I don't want to say, "everybody experiences this" or that there are people who don't go through intense dysphoria that it becomes crippling; I'm just saying, that for me, this is how my day to day is today, what it's like--a sort of cynical indifference to it that boils beneath the surface of my skin.

Or, this is Steve's way to be ambiguous; Thomas was Steve's friend first before they reunited, gotten married, lived together, after all.

Maybe, he wanted to detach himself in his grief and longing. A way to protect himself from the immense loss he's going through and this is his way of doing that. By saying that Thomas was just a childhood friend, it probably eased the pain just a bit.

Or, Power Pak states in his video, isn't it strange how explicit names are never--if ever, rarely-- given. Thomas' name doesn't show up until February of 2023. Steve's name is never used. Maybe, Steve wasn't the one who wrote the journal; a third party who saw the effects of loss on Steve, instead?

In the newspaper clipping of Thomas' life, it's stated how he reconnected with his high school crush, got married and moved in with his partner. The ambiguity could mean that the family simply didn't want bigots to be bigots toward their loved one.

In Steve's clipping detailing his life, he also reconnected with his high school crush. "Soulmate", this person is described as. And like with Thomas', "partner" is used, rather something explicit like, "husband" or "wife."

Although, "wife" can't be correct either since Steve doesn't have a partner listed who outlived him, simply his family.

With MyHouse.wad being as up for interpretation as it is, there's ways of reading into things, one can take it however way they want to, where they want to.

And I, personally, like to think that Steve and Thomas are happy together, with their cat, cuddled up together in their home.

You picked up Die. "Roll for intercourse?"

I feel so helpless, like I can't do anything to bring him back. I feel so sad and it feels like my heart is heavy. I can't help but think about all of the fun times we had together growing up. All of our adventures, our secrets, and even our arguments. I miss him so much and I can't believe he's gone.

You picked up Ring. "I do."

I attended the funeral of my childhood friend, and I was overwhelmed with grief. As I looked around at everyone else in the room, I could feel the sadness in the air... I never imagined that I would be saying goodbye to my friend so soon.

You picked up Wine Bottle. "Drunk Buddy." You picked up a Bauble. "Christmas makes me happy."

Happy Valentines day to the only person I ever loved. For a short time, you brought a little happiness to this painful existence called life. I hope we can be together again one day.

You picked up Baby Bottle. "It wasn't meant to be." You picked up Pill Bottle. "Refill needed." You picked up Full Pill Bottle. "Feelin' fine."

You picked up Game Controller. "It's my turn."

Somewhere, in another dream, the version of myself that winked back is sitting on the real beach, happy and content, knowing life is finite, there is no afterlife, and happiness is found in the small things around us that we can control. Happiness has to be fought for.

#MyHouse.wad #My Writing #-ish?#If someone reads this please be nice I know I probably got somethings wrong #Or that this interpretation has already been talked about #I just wanted to make a sort of timeline ish interpretation thing so I can get my own thoughts in order #I also know nothing about the Doom community and I only know stuff about MyHouse.wad #Pyrocynical practically dismissing the queer reading and then finding MyHouse's developer's previous partner as if to say #“See guys?” feels quite dirty #in a sense where it just leaves a bad taste in the mouth #Of course MyHouse.wad's story is fiction #but intentionally going out of your way to show the developer's family like it's a Gotcha Moment #Pyro was so close to putting the pieces of a puzzle together but it's as if he's trying to cram in two already interconnected pieces #Into the wrong holes and going “It just won't fit!”#Thomas and Steve left things ambiguous because there are things that are probably just too private and simply only for them #I can't believe honestly how he went about Thomas being trans or how Steve and Thomas can't be gay #Only to talk about their matching obituaries for the next theory #Then adding in the whole "the developer based this mod on his relationship with his partner is just #Do you not know how to separate fact from fiction? Because of course MyHouse is going to be fiction?#If Steve really is dead then Veddge's introduction to the game and saying how his “childhood friend” has passed and implying that #Veddge /is/ Steve? Do you not see how strange that would be? Or does he think that someone from Steve's life is just going around #With his account acting as if they are Steve?#My head's starting to hurt from all this Pyro honestly the fuck lmao

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