#but it's just hard

[honeysuckle-venom]

I've had a lot going on lately, psychologically, and I haven't been posting about 90% of it. I haven't been able to, I haven't had the words most of the time. I still don't. The last four days or so have been spent in a psychotic episode of astonishing intensity, one that feels more like our first break when we were 15 than almost anything since then. The whole summer has been very difficult, lots of trauma stuff and system stuff and psychosis stuff I thought I had put to rest coming up but coming up...differently, like the first time all over again instead of echoes? Idk how to explain it, my therapist had all sorts of good words for it in our session today but I was so psychotic I was only processing like 60% of what she was saying and I remember even less. I do know she said encouraging things about how every schizophrenic patient she's worked with has gone through this same process of temporarily getting much much better and tasting health for the first time and then having a significant recurrence of symptoms, and something about how the experience often mimics the first break/is like having the first break again for reasons I was too out of it to understand today but that are part of the healing process. So that was very comforting to hear, because my symptoms this weekend were honestly sort of terrifying.

But anyway. None of that was meant to be the original point of this post. I wanted to talk about how spiritually unprepared I feel for The High Holy Days. I mean, I always feel unprepared, I think everyone does, you're basically supposed to. If I'm remembering right that's even one of the phrases you say. But this year I have done less prep than any time in the last 5+ years. I just haven't been able to. I did manage to set aside one therapy session a few weeks ago to discuss my New Year's resolutions from last year and to what extent I've managed to stick to them, and to decide what ones I'm making this year, which is something really important that I do every year. I take my Rosh Hashanah resolutions very seriously and it's generally a real turning point in the year for me, they aren't the kind of casual resolutions a lot of people make in January like "I'm going to exercise," they tend to be significant decisions about how to live my life and treat myself and those around me. But besides that one therapy session and a tiny bit of contemplation on my own I haven't even tried to do the kind of spiritual inventory or teshuvah that I usually shoot for. And I'm trying to be okay with that. I spent this whole summer really struggling and the last few days psychotic and catatonic; I think Hashem understands that my priority has been to stay alive and that's pretty much all I've had the ability to do. But I'm still pretty much in survival mode and it sucks to be there just a few days before Rosh Hashanah. It's my favorite holiday and I haven't been able to think about it pretty much at all. I have plans to celebrate with friends both Friday and Sunday and intend to go to services Friday and Saturday, but I'm nervous that I won't be well enough for some or all of that. We'll see when we get there, I suppose. It's just a really bad feeling to know my favorite holiday is coming and normally I do a lot of internal and external work to prepare for it and I've done basically none of it and don't even feel that special "Rosh Hashanah is coming" feeling because I'm too busy being crazy. It just feels really sad and disappointing.

#text post #my post #idk my grandma's Rosh Hashanah care package arrived today #and instead of being excited i'm too crazy to even eat any of it bc food paranoia #and it's just...it's frustrating to be in this mental place when i want to be excited about the new year and stuff #and i'm nervous i won't be doing better by friday #i'm really hoping that like once it actually arrives and i eat some apples and honey and go to synagogue it'll help me feel better #but i just don't have it in me to do any spiritual reflection beforehand and i feel disappointed in myself bc of that #and i'm trying not to stress about it bc literally one of my resolutions for the past two years is being more gentle with myself #but it's just hard #jewish tag #elul tag

[malwarechips]

yknow i never noticed the sheer rareness of images having ids or alt text on this website until i started adding alt text to my art (and trying to remember to add it to any images i post in general, especially text screenshots) and that makes me kinda sad

#i used to be pretty intimidated by the idea of having to describe my art but. it isnt as hard as it sounds #i just treat it like im describing an image i dont have at the time really #plus ive been told that even a simple id is better than no id #lev.txt

[cuntstable]

i hate when people call marcille a girlfailure btw like SHE ISNT. and shes not a ”girlboss” either. this is a neurotic and Permanently On The Edge of a Breakdown overachiever late 20s virgin just out of her phd program with permanently shaky hands from an addiction to overly sugary coffee and a deep desire to be crushed to death under falins giant jugs no matter the cost. the only thing shes ever ”failed” at is going to theraphy

#she works hard and succeeds 24/7 she just has bunny animal neurosis. and shes surrounded by the toudens which is like if a small animals #closest two friends were 2 giant dogs that make it freak out 24/7 #dungeon meshi

[whaledocboi]

ai generated images make me increasingly sad and tired the more i see them in more and more casual contexts. i dont know how to explain, but it just fills the world with a bunch of nothing. no matter how visually stunning the pictures might be, there's nothing behind it for me. no dedication, no emotions, no feelings, no hard work or creativity, nothing i can truly think about, admire or enjoy. i dont think thats how art is supposed to be

#not to mention ripping off and plagirazing real artists hard work of course #which is a whole other conversation #i cant feel the same love and adoration for whatever the slop machine produces #it will never be the same #im just really tired #anti ai #anti ai art

[dovesick]

endless night

#animal art #animal comic #penguin art #comic art #artists on tumblr #just a comic about emperor penguins #(they are emperor penguins but yellow didn’t go with the colour scheme loool) #(i tried to make it work just trust me lol) #i keep forgetting to upload here woops #sometimes i don’t wanna draw anthros #i’ve been wanting to experiment again #i have a couple pieces planned #but i also wanna do more horror #rlyyyyy hard to decide lmaoooo

[ackee]

to all my mutuals and friends. im so sorry

#THIS IS JUST WHERE IM AT RN. TRYING SO HARD #txt

[rivetgoth]

It's honestly crazy that discussion around testosterone HRT skews so much towards the beginning stages of it (to the point that you have dozens of guys thinking their transition is "failed" if they don't pass by like a year in lol) and what the initial changes of the first couple of months to years look like, like the classic laundry list of those early basic changes like bottom growth, voice drop, etc, when IMO literally none of that compares remotely to the depth and intensity of the long term total masculinization you start to experience like 3-5+ years in.

#also has made it increasingly difficult to relate to those early into their transition honestly #like not in a bitter way it’s just like hard to express how diff the experience is #of being like a year on T vs 5 😭 #ETA I muted this post ages ago now but fwiw seeing transphobes pop up in the notes on occasion just to say cruel reactionary shit #you are clowns I cannot imagine seeing a post that is ONLY about discussing with folks about the reality of a medication #and choosing to make that your moment to get a schoolyard bully jab in about how you find it gross or something. #you are less well adjusted than must children. may the universe be kinder to you than you are to others.

[koddlet]

personal rules for winter ❄

#this was fun bc i didn't intend for it to be kind of cryptic #i just wanted to make some reminders for myself about winter cuz i never learn #especially the back cover which i guess isn't really a rule but still stands. i'm in a rural place so when it gets dark it's Dark #and its hard to want to do anything #zine #mini zine #illustration #nonfandom #analogue art

[midnight-coffee94]

No single line has ever wrecked me as hard as this one from the Good Place and I think about it constantly

#the good place #i'm binge watching it again and it just takes me out so hard #i get lost in the sauce thinking about this quote #the idea that those who hurt you are capable of being better people and then seeing them change and grow just hits me right between the rib #who am i kidding it stabs me like the senators stabbed Caesar #anyway #icy does a tag ramble

[ciderbird]

academic bias is so funny because you’ll be reading about the same historical event and one person is like “Despite the troubles that befell his homeland and near constant criticism of the court King Blorbo remained strong in the face of adversity” and the other one is like “after letting his people carry the brunt of his cringefail decisions Blorbo the Shitface refused to listen to any reason and continued to be a warmongering piece of shit. Also he was ugly.”

#historians are out there beefing with ppl who died over 200 years ago. good for them #history #history memes #this isn’t really about anyone in particular #but I did read the most hilariously bitter takes on alexander I #not that it’s hard to poke fun at his vanity and indicisive nature but like. he was just a poor little meow meow #although I have some weird grudges against dead ppl as well *cough* Catherine II *cough*

[gothhabiba]

maybe it's just because I've been having these conversations for too long but sometimes watching a youtube video essayist analyse something is kind of like watching a third-grader run through their times tables. it's like... yes, very good, that's all true! so... what now...

#they just don't hit that hard!

[fesenmoon]

no fucking way

#sketches #comics #the far side #crocodiles #my art #i don’t know how to tag this. #also i should probably say. i tried to look into it further and i haven't seen hard hard evidence that they do this on purpose #personifying animals is tempting but ultimately i think it's just hot speculation atm. crocodilians are famously tough to research too #like the advantages may be a coincidence or just pure curiosity/play. which is also really cute...love those guys #sorry for the misinformation! light theory only afaik #comic

[gorgugplushie]

#acoc #d20 #dimension 20 #intrepid heros #gorgug txt. #sorry this just reminded me of the cast so hard

[absolute-artlad]

Huzzah!

#spidersona #spiderman across the verse #across the spiderverse #spiderverse #spiderverse oc #atsv #miguel o'hara #atsv miguel #spiderverse miguel #i dont mean to give miguel a hard time but he just makes it just so easy #my draws

[feluka]

no matter how the media spins it remember that the US would rather watch the region burn than give up its little pet genocidal colonial ethnostate project

#US: we worked soooo hard to destabilize the region! we're not just gonna let all that work go to waste!

[mandos-mind-trick]

This also very much applies to fanfics. Some people need to take a step back and think before they make straight fools out of themselves.

#you're not cute for coming into the comments on someone's fic saying you don't like it #just hit the back button and move on #it's not that hard