#but idk! i've always just really wanted that One Person Who Will Be With You Always that i saw growing up irl and in media

[ikeuverse]

MR. FUNNY GUY — l.heeseung

PAIRING: heeseung x fem!reader GENRES: fluff, humor WC: 3.8k+

WARNINGS: a few swear words, mentions of alcohol. yeji, sunghoon's sister, is portrayed in this fic as being of age, because there is a part that insinuates that she has been drinking.

NOTES: this came to me as a totally random thought and made me want to write it, without pretension. yes, konon is written as jake's girlfriend just because i wanted something totally different, and i've never seen anyone put her as the girlfriend of any of the boys. idk, nothing special, hehehe. i hope you like it!

 masterlist

Every group of friends consists of having outstanding personalities or a representative for each thing among them. Heeseung could be the personification of the funny kid.

He had always been in charge of making the best jokes and making everyone laugh ever since he met his friends at the end of high school and the beginning of university. With Heeseung around, it was as if there was no sadness at all.

Even his attitude was that of a big, awkward, funny guy, which gave him even more credit for his antics. 

Heeseung was responsible for making Jake stop crying when he got his first low grade in calculus at university. Not even his girlfriend was able to cheer him up, but Heeseung trying to prepare a smoothie and forgot to close the lid of the blender, causing all the fruit and mixtures to fly around the kitchen... Oh, that got a good laugh out of Jake. And a few curses from Jay, for sure.

Heeseung was also responsible for making Sunghoon and Yeji cry with laughter a week after their puppy went missing. She was crying and he said he would help his friends find her, even if their hopes were slim. Heeseung did find her, but that didn't stop him from coming back all wet and with mud all over his shorts because the dog had wandered into a garden and he ran with his life to rescue her. Telling that story out loud made it all worthwhile in the end.

What Heeseung never managed was to get many smiles out of you, Yeji's best friend. It wasn't as if you and she joined Sunghoon's group of friends very often, but when you did, you were the only one who stayed quietly in the corner of the room and didn't crack a smile when he made a joke.

At first, it didn't make much difference to him, not least because you only appeared occasionally and Heeseung only found out about you sometime later. Because you really were so quiet that you seemed almost invisible. But as time went by and Yeji attended more and more of the boys' meetings – even more so after she and you made friends with Jake's girlfriend – Heeseung didn't want to admit it, but he started to feel a bit insulted. 

Why weren't you laughing at his jokes? Why didn't you crack a single smile at his antics in front of his friends? You were supposed to hate him, in Heeseung's mind. That was the only explanation for why he never saw a single curved movement of your lips.

"Relax, man" Sunghoon said one night when the two of them were in the kitchen preparing the popcorn for the movie. "Yeji said that Y/n is like that, very closed," he took a larger bowl to pour the contents into, placing it next to another in case he needed a spare. "She took a while to open up to the girls, so maybe it's nothing personal."

So it would seem. Heeseung thought, rolling his eyes as he tried to forget about it and focus on the movie night they all had together.

A whole month passed and he tried not to focus on the thought that you didn't like him, because if that were the case, Heeseung would have gotten there first. He knew everyone there before you did, so if you didn't like him, you might as well not hang out with them anymore and just be friends with Yeji and Jake's girlfriend.

But no, that night what he wanted to happen happened. And without expecting much, without creating any expectations that you would smile at him.

"What are you three doing?" Sunghoon approached and ruffled Yeji's hair, hearing his little sister grumble and curse him for it. 

"Trying to make sushi at home" she huffed "But Konon's the only one who can, and she gives the hardest tasks to me and Y/n to do."

"Come on, I think we're doing fine," you said, avoiding looking at Konon because you knew she was laughing at the two of you.

You held up a hot roll you had just rolled, hoping it wouldn't fall out of your hand and spill all the rice. Your eyes met Sunghoon's and then looked at Heeseung, who was standing in the kitchen doorway.

"You're doing a great job," Sunghoon complimented.

"Yeah, long and crooked... Looks like Sunghoon" Heeseung pointed to the hotroll in his hand, and he almost shouted when he heard the sound of your laughter.

It wasn't possible what Heeseung's eyes were seeing at that moment. You. Laughing and then smiling at him... Did that really happen?

Sunghoon abruptly turned to Heeseung as if he was thinking the same thing. Of course, he and the boys were the only ones to hear Heeseung's lament that you never smiled at anything he did. But now it had just happened.

And he wasn't sure if he wanted to see it again, because strangely Heeseung's heart was pumping in a way that he wasn't happy about. Not to mention the fact that, apart from thinking about your smile and the sound of your laugh for weeks, the boy wasn't proud to say that he had dreamt about it.

Was it stupid to say that he had actually dreamed of your smile? Shit, that couldn't be possible.

"Heeseung!" Jake shouted to get his friend's attention, snapping his fingers in front of his face.

"Fuck, what a fright" Heeseung wriggled in his chair "What's wrong?"

"I've been calling you for about five minutes, what world were you in?"

"In the world where Y/n keeps smiling at him" Sunghoon hummed.

Fucking bastard... How did Sunghoon have to be so direct like that? All right, his friends knew and couldn't stand to hear Heeseung fantasize about it for weeks, but hearing it out loud from someone else made him feel like a bit of an idiot.

"In my defense, I'm still in shock about this" he tried to say, hearing Jay's laughter from across the room.

"Still? How long has it been... like, three weeks? A month?" he asked, already knowing the answer. If Heeseung were to count, it had been a month and a few days, because every month the girls tried to make a different food. And he distinctly remembers his skills – not unlike Konon's – in rolling the seaweed into sushi.

"Do you like her?" Jake sprawled further back on the sofa, almost throwing his legs over Heeseung's lap. Sunghoon was sitting on the floor staring at the TV while the movie was still playing.

"What? No" he said too quickly, regretting it the moment all the boys' eyes landed on him.

"Dude, you literally went to great lengths just to make her laugh for you" Jay got up from his chair to walk over to Sunghoon and sit down next to him on the floor.

"And when that happened, you didn't stop talking about it the whole time," Jake added.

"I said you could all make me stop talking—"

"We don't want to, it's cute" Sunghoon smiled "Besides I think it happened a few more times after sushi night."

"What?" it was Heeseung's turn to shout, startling Jake who was cursing at him quietly as he curled up on the sofa.

At that moment Heeseung was standing in the living room, pacing back and forth near the TV and watching his friends with mixed feelings. Jake was still recovering from his shock, Sunghoon was pressing his lips together, feeling guilty for saying it just then. While Jay held in his laughter and closed his eyes to wait for the conversation to unfold.

"You're just telling me about this now? Fuck Sunghoon, what do you mean?"

"Dude, I'm sorry" he said, "It's just that you got so excited about it that if I told you she smiled a few more times, you might explode."

"I'm exploding right now" from the coloring of his face, it could be possible.

What do you mean you smiled at Heeseung or something related to him and Sunghoon didn't say anything at all? Now he wanted to know, what was the occasion? Had he done something funny, said something at the wrong time, or made a joke? Or did you genuinely smile just because he was around? What had been the circumstance in which you smiled at him?

"All your gears are turning at the moment and I think it's my fault" Sunghoon got up from the floor, straightening his pants and then sighing, "But she smiled at times when you weren't looking."

"Why?"

"Look, I know your mind because I've lived with you for years, but I have no idea what she was thinking about it" Sunghoon's words had a unique effect on Heeseung. He was even more pensive.

"Yeah, he's right," Jake said.

"You too..." Heeseung then turned to Jay.

"Dude, we talked about this for hours and worked it out together," he defended himself, cringing when the other threatened to approach.

"Hey, calm down!" Sunghoon held him by the shoulders even though he knew his friend would do absolutely nothing to any of the three "Now that you know, you can do something about it."

"Yes, kill the three of you."

"Or talk to her and ask why" Jake shrugged and stood up, giving his best smile in response "Now how about we order something to eat? I'm starving."

"No, no more drinks for you today, young lady" Sunghoon snatched the glass from Yeji's hand, listening to his sister's protests even though she was already a little upset.

"But hey, we're celebrating" she tried to catch it, but to no avail, her older brother was taller and would surely use that to his advantage.

"Celebrating what? The loss of your liver?" Heeseung looked around at the number of glasses on the kitchen counter.

He sighed as he imagined that the owner of that house would have an extremely difficult time cleaning up, but his thoughts were soon cut loose by the sound of laughter that flooded the room. His body went still and his eyes widened at the sight of your standing in front of the kitchen door.

"Hey, Heeseung, you look like you've seen a haunting" you waved at him, smiling briefly and then turning your eyes back to the Park siblings.

"He just heard something" Sunghoon added.

Not knowing what it was, you didn't bother asking him and just walked into the kitchen where the three of them were still standing.

"What's going on?" you asked.

"Yeji's already drunk, so let's go home."

"But she's celebrating," you pouted "It's not every day you get an A in Professor Choi's class."

"The worst professor at that university" Yeji picked up a glass to raise and pretend to toast, then put it back on the counter.

"But you've had enough, so I think you'd better go home" he looked at his sister and then at you "Has Jake taken Konon yet?"

"They just got home, Jay told me as soon as I came into the kitchen" you looked around for something to drink "And you two, what are you doing here?"

Sunghoon had gone after Yeji before he left and Heeseung had been in charge of looking for you, so the two of them could take you home safe and sound. But he didn't want to say that out loud.

"We came after you two," Sunghoon replied.

"Okay, let's go" Yeji whined "I won't be able to finish my drink anyway."

"Not even if we just have one more beer? It'll be quick and—"

"Nope" Heeseung stood in front of you when you threatened to approach the fridge. Looking up thanks to his height, this was the closest he had come to you since you two met.

It might have been the effect of the drink or the moment itself, but he looked glistening and that had – strangely – made your heart flutter.

Blame the drink, blame the drink, please.

"Come on Y/n, these two dullards don't know what fun is" Yeji pushed past Heeseung, ignoring his protests as she grabbed you by the arm and pulled you out of the kitchen.

"That's it man, a few more moves and you two would be kissing in this kitchen" Sunghoon held Heeseung by the shoulders without missing an opportunity to tease him.

He acted on instinct to stand in front of you so that you wouldn't advance into the kitchen, right? He also ignored the distance between the two of you because he miscalculated his steps and Sunghoon was right to say how close you and Heeseung were. But those thoughts had to be pushed aside as quickly as possible.

And that happened when Jay's voice echoed in Heeseung's ears, standing next to his friend's car.

"Can you take Y/n home?" he asked. Heeseung didn't want to show his shock, but the orbs almost popping out in the expression that caught him off guard made Jay laugh right away "I've had a few drinks and I certainly won't be able to drive."

"But—"

"Take her and come back for me" Jay handed Heeseung the keys to his car.

"Why don't you just go along? I can drop you home later."

"Because I'm not finished here yet" Jay's lips protruded forward in a pout, he took a few steps away from Heeseung, nodding and smiling at his friend "And I don't want to witness anything pornographic in my car. Unless I'm the one doing it," he shouted the last part and Heeseung turned sharply in the direction you were with the Park siblings. 

He would have given anything at that moment for you to be so drunk that you hadn't heard any of the shit Jay had said so far.

"Where's Jongseong going?" Yeji asked when he saw the boy disappearing among some people in the garden of the house.

"He said he didn't finish whatever it is in there" Heeseung sighed "Come on Y/n, I'll take you home."

None of you missed the mischievous giggle that escaped from Yeji, soon to be joined by Sunghoon. Heeseung knew very well about his friend, but why did his little sister even seem to be complicit?

"Do you know where I live?" you asked so naturally that Heeseung had forgotten how serious you were whenever you were around him.

"No, but you can tell me while we go in Jay's car," he said, and you just agreed and let him guide you to the vehicle. Neither of you cared what the Park siblings said as you and Heeseung walked to Jay's car. He showed himself to be a tremendous gentleman by opening the door for you and checking that everything was okay until you buckled your seatbelt so he could close the door and turn the car around.

"Can we go?" he asked and you nodded, giving Heeseung the coordinates so he could get to your house.

For Heeseung, the silence was necessary while he reorganized his thoughts because, for the first time, he was in a place alone with you. That had never happened since the two of you met.

Now for you, the silence was agonizing because it made you think and observe. To think about how hard you'd tried to get away from that man next to you and to observe how well he drove. His hands firmly gripping the leather of the steering wheel, his long fingers drumming now and then when they stopped at a traffic light or how agile his hand was at holding the gearshift. You also found yourself swallowing when his hand accidentally hit your leg when changing gears. He wasn't doing it on purpose, you knew that, but it was inevitable not to smile quickly.

"We're here" he was the first to break the silence, indicating that he had followed your coordinates very well, and now the two of you were parked inside Jay's car and in front of your apartment complex.

You looked out of the window, a sigh escaping your lips as you looked back at the boy in the car sitting next to you.

"Thanks, Heeseung" you said sincerely, opening a smile when his eyes met yours. Heeseung smiled too, but he didn't look so happy about it. He seemed... Annoyed?

"Can I ask you something, Y/n?" he said just like that, not even bothering to respond to your thanks. But you didn't mind either, after all, your sobriety was starting to kick in, but even so, your alcohol-addled body made you more curious than usual.

"Anything," you said.

It took him a while to formulate that question, pondering whether he should really ask it or just let it go and get on with his life as if it didn't affect him. But it certainly did. Heeseung knew why he had dreamt it, he had to ask.

"Why haven't you ever smiled at me?" might seem like a silly question from the outside, or even sad if the person was as sentimental as Heeseung.

At first, your eyebrows drew together in surprise. But then everything relaxed and you unbuckled your belt to turn around and face the boy.

"What do you mean?"

Heeseung repeated your gesture a few seconds later, unbuckling his belt and turning to face you too.

"I mean, ever since we met you've never smiled at anything I've done," he shrugged, trying to sound firm in his words, not wanting to waver or show how ridiculous it might seem "Surely Yeji has already let it slip that I'm the clown of the group and, I don't know, you're the only person who's never given me a single smile."

"Does that bother you?"

No. He should answer, to appear tougher.

"Yes, a little" Heeseung didn't want to follow his thoughts, he wanted to act on the emotion of the moment "I thought you didn't like me or, at worst, thought I was so dull that you begged the girls to get away every time we met in a group."

He was being so honest with you, opening up so genuinely that you felt a little bad. Maybe your way of acting on everything you'd heard hadn't been nice, you might have been a bit extreme with it.

"I'm sorry" was all you managed to say, without knowing exactly why you were apologizing. Whether it was for your reaction or for never getting to Heeseung and wanting to get to know him.

"Why?" he asked.

You didn't want him to ask, so you wouldn't have to explain yourself, you'd get out of the car and drive away. But Heeseung's sparkling eyes seemed to call out to you every second, guiding you to him as if you belonged there, staring at him as the words came freely out of his mouth.

"We have a group of friends at college and certainly Yeji's brother and his friends are sometimes a topic," your gaze quickly shifted to the window behind Heeseung. Anything being more interesting than his eyes paying attention to you right now "I once commented that... Well..."

"Say, it's okay," he tried to encourage you and you looked back at him, could blame it on the drink if something got out of hand, and would say the next day that you didn't remember anything you were saying. Even though by then your sobriety had reached more than half of your body.

"I told I thought you were very handsome" you nibbled your lower lip and continued, not even giving Heeseung time to process the information "A friend of ours said that you were not only handsome but funny, but that was a danger."

"What? Why?" he tried to shake off the tingling feeling in his chest and his cheeks heating up at the confession. So you thought he was handsome from the start.

"Have you ever heard of the theory of the funny boy being a danger?" you crossed your arms and snorted when Heeseung denied it with a nod "He'll make you laugh so much, you'll laugh. Laugh and laugh until you're naked in his bed."

It was his turn to laugh, hiding his face with his hands and messing up his hair.

"Shut up, don't laugh," you groaned in frustration, uncrossing your arms and trying to push his hand away from your face. The contact was electrifying, even if it only lasted a few seconds. Heeseung uncovered his face and looked at you.

"So Yeji's friend said that about me, and you believed it?" Heeseung wanted to sound confident as he raised an eyebrow, even though, if he had to get out of that car, his legs would be as soft as jelly.

"Well..." a few seconds passed and you sighed, "I avoided contact so I wouldn't have to believe it. I don't know, preserve myself as much as possible since you seem to be well known at the university."

"So you didn't want to smile at me because you thought you'd end up in my bed?" Heeseung leaned forward a little, looking a little defiant. You leaned forward too, your hands resting on your lap.

"You make all the girls smile, what difference would it make if I smiled at you?"

Don't be so honest, Heeseung thought to himself, but it was already done when he launched into it.

"Maybe because your smile is beautiful and when that happened on sushi night, I ended up dreaming for a long time."

"What? Did you dream about my smile?" you almost shouted in the car.

"Too many questions for one night, don't you think?" Heeseung pretended to shake himself, looking for the car keys that he hadn't even taken out of the ignition. Turning on the air conditioning might be a good idea since neither of you made any mention of leaving.

"Too many confessions for one night" you leaned back in your seat.

"I think we're going to need a few more nights for you to tell me more" he also leaned back in his seat, but his head remained turned in your direction.

"Are you asking me out on a date?"

"Would you?" he asked back, a stupid – but extremely beautiful – smile adorning his lips as he said again, "I want to prove that friend of yours completely wrong."

"I'd love that, then" to his surprise, asking you out had been completely light-hearted. He didn't feel like throwing up or running away, or even saying something silly, stuttering... Nothing. Heeseung was just himself as he watched you bend down to him and brush your lips against the corner of his.

From the way Heeseung's head was tilted, giving indications that he wasn't going to move, you purposely kissed him on the corner of the lips, pulling away before he made any risky moves.

"I'm waiting for a message from you so we can make an appointment, mr. funny man."

You winked at him, watching as the tip of Heeseung's tongue traced the exact spot where your lips touched the corner of his. The smile never left him as he watched you open the door, wave, and close it to leave.

A smile had never left Lee Heeseung like that.

© ikeuverse, 2024. do not copy, translate or steal my stories.

#enhypen fluff #heeseung fluff #enhypen #enhypen heeseung #heeseung #lee heeseung #enhypen au #heeseung x reader #enhypen x reader #enhypen masterlist #lee heeseung fluff #heeseung fanfics #lee heeseung x reader #heeseung imagines

[skaldish]

Oh my god I just had a horrible realization. It's a really personal one so please bear with me but I need to share it because…Idk, maybe it's not just me.

But I realized. I didn't actually grow up being a part of any culture. I grew up with seeing culture around me, and sometimes participating in culture temporarily, but I was not raised with a cultural identity of any sort whatsoever.

I identify as an American only because I live in the US, not because I'm acculturated American. I only have the cultural senses I have because it just so happened to be what I was surrounded by.

None of the stories told to me, none of the food I ate, and nothing I wore, were used to convey "This is who we are as people" by my family or community. Stories were just for entertainment, food was just for eating, and clothes were just whatever I liked wearing from the department store. These things weren't, in any way, identity, outside of things I could use to express my own personal identity if I wanted to.

Fuck, I wasn't even given the cultural knowledge associated with the class I was raised in. No leadership skills, no business sense, nothing.

"But what about religion?" No religion either. My family has culturally Catholic leanings, but it's residual and unrecognized.

"What about being white?" The fact that I can't describe what "being white" even means—beyond how I've heard it described—goes to show you my expertise in the matter.

"What about subcultures?" I only know how to participate in subcultures as either a spectator or as a guest. No culture has ever identified me as belonging to it, despite welcoming my participation, and I can't consider myself part of cultures if they don't claim me.

In terms of my cultural identity, I'm completely blank. It's like I have no name.

I write all this because I was thinking about why some Scandinavians would be upset at me using "Heathen" (as well as bigger questions of cultural appropriation in general) and came to this realization.

For the record…I don't consider myself Heathen because I identify as part of Scandinavian culture. That would be absurd. I use "Heathen" because I accidentally befriended a Heathen god. Loki hid his identity from me for years, and I was very upset when when he finally told me who he was—I felt like he betrayed me, and also like I was going insane, because my worldview prior to that did not support the existence of gods.

I dug deep into learning about Norse paganism because I knew understanding Loki within his cultural context was vital to understanding who he is. The reason I started digging around in Scandinavian culture directly, though, was because—surprise!—nothing we have published in the US actually has this context.

…I'm embarrassed to admit I wasn't aware "cultural appropriation" describes a situation where one person walks into another person's culture and says, "Yes, this is my home now," like a cuckoo taking over another bird's nest. I always thought it was a function of mishandling a culture—using it in ways that was careless and ill-informed—but no, it's taking away other peoples' identities in the name of playing dress-up for yourself.

"You're robbing me of myself for your own stupid aesthetic desires!" That's how I imagine it must feel.

It disgusts me to think that's how my actions may have looked.

#zan speaks #personal #I need to figure out how to resolve this but idk #no culture has gone 'ah yes that's clearly one of ours' before #not even the ones I'm demographically a part of #I'm upset yes but also extremely bewildered by how this happened

[wildoor]

I finished their designs :3

Anyways not too sure what I want to call this AU but I've kinda settled on "The Blocks".

More about it undercut if you care idk:

I don’t want to say much about them because I want to write fanfic about this and I don’t want to spoil it so sorry if this sounds barebones or is confusing :(

Some quick before things: This AU is in a world where all of humanity has been forced into a highly structured society. Basically everyone was kidnapped and forced into cryosleep except for people part of this secret organization who’ve begun to create this super structured world

Cities are just numbered and under each city are the “Blocks”, 4 per city, 1 a daycare, the other three for people 18+. Blocks all have 100 members (people who have been awoken from cryosleep) and have a strict ruleset, if a member breaks a rule, they’re killed. The last remaining member is allowed to leave and live in the “new world”. Daycares don’t do that (kill members (kids)) they just teach them to follow the new rules. They also get their education there so once they’ve graduated they’re allowed to leave.

(⚾Scout) Jeremy, Block Master Assistant (Block 3)

He’s the main character or something. His one goal is to be a Block Master because his dad works as the admin for the blocks and would always come home talking about it and he just thought it was the coolest thing.

(🇺🇸Soldier) Block Master Doe (Block 2)

Think the most like patriotic, pro-american (but not for america), drill sergeant- so he’s basically the same person. For every AU I make where Soldier is included he’s always the same person because I just love him so much.

(🔥Pyro) Moe/Puff, Block Daycare Attendant (Block 1)

They’re mute :3 They help Heavy in the daycare and their pyromaniac thing isn’t there, they’re just insane. They see the whole world as Pyroland but not everything has to be on fire for it, they’re just like that. Also Moe is their name but Puff is what they let all the kids call them because they're always wearing a puffy jacket

(💣Demo) Tavish, Block Master Assistant (Block 2)

He’s very laid back, he might genuinely let people get away with offenses as long as Doe didn’t see it, he’s mostly there to keep Doe in check and also because I’m a boots and bombs shipper and they’re gay :3

(🧸Heavy) Mikhail, Block Daycare Teacher (Block 1)

Leader of Block 1/the daycare. Block 1 leaders are really nice because they’re whole job is to just teach/watch over kids so he’s just genuinely wholesome :) He tries to get the other Block Masters (Ludwig & Doe) to be better but he’s given up on Doe and Ludwig might be too far gone

(🔧Engie) Dell, Block Maintenance Overseer

There are teams of people who maintain the blocks (he’s one of them), He works with the Admin and Block Masters to keep Blocks up to date. Currently he’s a bit busy because Block 4 had some accident that no one is allowed to know about and it’s not working but everything is totally fine guys 👍

(🫀Medic) Block Master Ludwig (Block 3)

The Knife from Camp Belica in Wolfenstein: The New Order, him fr fr.

(🐊Sniper) Mundy, City 16 - Block 3 Member (32)

Member of Block 3, member number 32. He really couldn’t care less.

(🚬Spy) Jacques, City 16 Blocks Admin

I could’ve just used TF2’s administrator but I have another idea for her and then I also wouldn’t’ve known what to do with Mr. Spy. He’s like the mayor of City 16 but he mostly looks over the Blocks, not the whole thing.

If anyone wants to send asks about this I'd be happy to answer. Also I guess asks for characters are fine, I think if I get any for those I might draw the character to go with it to kinda show their designs a little more. Idk I am just really excited about this AU and want to share it <3

#team fortress 2 #tf2 #tf2 au #lore dump #tf2 scout #tf2 soldier #tf2 pyro #tf2 demoman #tf2 heavy #tf2 engineer #tf2 medic #tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #traditional drawing #fanart #send asks #himtheguy

[howlsnteeth]

You've honestly been such a huge part of me discovering I was a therian and an inspiration to my art

I remember scrolling through pinterest one time and I saw your art and the like- pixel art-eque style with the red backgrounds, black silhouetted dogs, the messy lineart, bared fangs the multiple rings around the eyes- and most importantly was the captions you'd write, the quotes and I just remember instantly feeling like I was understood cause your art had themes of feeling unholy and like a monster and feeling like there was something inside that felt like it could come out at any second and the fear that had all while communicated through your drawing of canines

It was such a huge moment for me because it wasn't just like "I relate, that's so me" it was like- idk a realization but I didn't really like- explore it too much, that feeling. Instead I just tried to find the artist who drew stuff like that and ended up following you on tumblr and I became obsessed with canine venting and canine poetry

I'd start a vent account and reblog a lot of that type of stuff (including artists like dappermouth and savanthunder) and eventually I think I'd come to realize I might be a hellhound

I've deleted that tumblr since then but I've made a new one to explore and express being a hellhound. I just wanted to thank you cause your art truly has been super iconic to me and I think I'll always remember your style and those few pieces of your art that was on pinterest that inspired me. Your art is just super personal to me and means a lot 😭

I'm not trying to idolize or glaze you anything, I just wanted you to know cause it's been like 7 years now and I still remember your art like I had just discovered it yesterday!

But yea, sorry for the long read, hope you have a good day! And thank you, for everything!

holy shit this means a lot to me thank you sm!!!!!!! happy hellhound days!!!!!

#barks #keep #i was having a rough day honestly and this did help

[nohoperadio]

Here's a little breakdown of my personal relationship/non-relationship with various types of aesthetic self-modification (?, I feel like there might be a word or at least a more elegant phrase to denote this category). The point is not to offer my "take" on each thing but to express the different feelings/desires/inhibitions my psyche manifests around them. Some of these will approach awkwardly personal territory, fair warning! You may notice that basically none of them are especially positive; I'm going to leave off from analyzing that pattern for this post.

Tattoos -- I think tattoos as a concept are extremely cool, frequently they're cool in practice also and I like seeing other people's, but I don't think I've ever had even the smallest urge to get one for myself. I'm not totally sure why. The lack of an obvious thing to get is one factor, I feel like "band tattoo" would be the most likely thing for me to have but I don't like the idea of directly lifting a band logo or album art and I really don't like the idea of a lyric tattoo (I offer no justification for these prejudices), so I'd have to get clever with it if I'm doing that and I'm not very clever. More broadly, I predict that my enthusiasm for any artwork I put on my body would fade through overexposure in a matter of weeks if not days--other people describe "barely knowing it's there" after a short time--which on top of making the value of the project seem dubious, I feel like having a permanent image on my skin that I don't actively love would be something I'd feel bad about rather than neutral. Like "man, that thing's on my arm and I don't care about it at all, that sucks" rather than just not noticing it. Maybe I'm wrong about that.

(Tattoos are the one that got me thinking about this whole subject I think, it feels like they're reaching a ubiquity in the culture where it's almost like you're expected to have a reason not to have one rather than a reason to? Maybe that's just a people-I-know thing, anyway it got me thinking about why I don't want one.)

Piercings -- An interesting thing about me and piercings is that it's virtually impossible for me to notice when somebody has them unless I'm like, actively consciously scrutinizing their face (or whatever it is). When I was about ten months into my current job I asked my co-worker who I worked closely with almost every day "hey when did you get that septum ring" and she was like "well way before I met you". That is simply how it is with me and piercings and I make no apology.

If my inability to perceive piercings (perceirvings...) makes me indifferent to the idea of getting one, what makes me actively hostile is the total certainty that I would fiddle with it constantly if I did. I know these hands and their ways and there would simply be no dissuading them, it would be so bad you guys, oh my god. This is probably the hardest no on the list I think, although I haven't finished the post yet so idk maybe I'll think of a worse one.

Makeup -- There's undeniably a lot that's very beautiful in the universe of makeup and there's also the weird dark side, I have dabbled a little in this area and in my heart I feel more positively than not about it, but it's just never going to be a sustainable part of my life because (not unrelated to previous para) I am a perennial and unrepentant face-toucher. I will be itching and rubbing my face-skin and also inflicting other hard-to-characterize punishments upon it (is this "stimming"?) until the day I die and anything that wants to be on my face has just gotta deal. It would probably be better if this was not the case but I don't make the rules, sorry.

Haircuts -- When I was a child I haaaaaated getting my hair cut, like the physical sensation of it? Was so horrible and would usually make me cry and always ruin my day (is this "sensory overload"?), I didn't understand why I was being made to go through this ordeal and basically as soon as I reached an age when I realized my mom couldn't literally force me to do it if I just stubbornly refused hard enough--that age was 13 I think--I stopped. I haven't had a professional haircut since that time although I'm sure I could cope with the sensory aspect at this point, it's just not a habit I ever picked up again (I've had a couple of non-professional ones from my ex who just kind of wanted to try it, in a not particularly ambitious or dramatic fashion). Sometimes I feel like I should, but idk. My hair as it stands is not optimized for making me look hot but I don't think it looks especially horrible either, it's just kind of whatever I think.

Complicating factor here: I've had trichotillomania since I was 15/16, and it's hard to imagine it going away at this point but it's a lot more under control than it used to be, to the point where you can't really tell just from my appearance that something's up now. I say "under control", I have very little conscious control over it and usually no conscious awareness that I'm doing it, but over the years the compulsion seems to have unconsciously settled into a routine where it's just kind of... sculpting my hair into a more-or-less normal silhouette? Like I sort of have a fringe and stuff despite no haircuts. Oh I guess this doesn't make sense unless I clarify that I mostly break rather than pluck the hair nowadays, that's a big part of the gradual unconscious shift that's occurred.

A fun thing about trichotillomania is that it often makes people really uncomfortable when you talk about having it, which sucks for me because it makes me feel lonely, but I guess it sucks for the person feeling uncomfortable too in a smaller way. If you're one of the people who feel uncomfortable around this topic, sorry! Quite genuinely.

Gender transition in general -- I feel like I'm just, just on the boring side of cis-by-default. I think about transitioning shockingly often for someone who's never gonna do it, like it's not searing a hole in my heart or anything like it is for a lot of people but it occupies that "it would be cool to learn an instrument" kind of niche in my thoughts, if that makes sense? (Probably a bit stronger than that analogy makes it sound, it's on my mind frequently but not with a massive sense of urgency attached I guess is what I'm getting at.) I can see myself taking the plunge if the medical technology was like 10% better, or the social technology was like 20% better, or with some medium-sized changes in how my personality was configured, but this life being this life there's no way in heck the juice would be worth the squeeze. If I had one fifth of the executive function required to do all of that lying to doctors and learning how to clothes shop and having awkward conversations with people in my life and all the rest of it, well I can list like ten things I'd rather spend it on first. And I don't!

Glasses -- Love wearing glasses, 10/10 no notes. I knew since I was like 11 that my face should have a pair of glasses on it and I was very smug when the optician agreed (I did not cheat on the eye test in any way for what it's worth). The only times I'm not wearing glasses are sleeping and showering. I don't even carry a case because there's no point because I simply don't ever take them off. This is probably overkill, I think as a kid I was instructed to only put them on when I need to see something in the distance, ignoring that and just wearing them permanently has probably led to my vision weakening to the point where they're now pretty much mandatory in every situation, but I don't give a shit about that because just let me wear my goddamned glasses okay, fuck off. It's actually crazy how much I like wearing glasses, this is the only true thumbs up on the list.

I remembering trying to explain how I like my glasses to a then-close friend of mine many years ago when the subject of laser eye surgery came up in conversation, he said I should get the surgery and then just wear glasses with non-prescription lenses. When I tried to explain why that wouldn't be the same at all he was adamant that I was just being stubborn. That guy was a wonderful person in many ways and I loved him very deeply, but man what a dumbass thing to say.

Facial hair -- There are so many great beards and moustaches in this world, there are few more cheering sights than someone bearing some swish whiskers who's pleased about it, but personally I don't wish to be involved in that business at all.

I never learned how to ride a bike -- Obviously this one doesn't belong on the list, it doesn't fit with any of the other categories, and yet I feel compelled to include it here. And why should I resist that which compels me? This is my post. Yeah, I'm the oldest of four siblings, we were all given bikes at the appropriate kid-on-bike age, the others picked it up but not me. I liked it when I had stabilizers on my bike, then they took them off and I started falling off the bike, and after a very short amount of time I gave up. Like I didn't get mad injuries or anything, it just felt like I wasn't improving at it quickly enough and I didn't feel like keeping it up so I didn't. Early indication of my bad personality.

Fashion in general -- Clothes shopping has always been extremely aversive to me for whatever reason, it's gotten a little better in recent years, I have been able to exist inside clothes shops for long enough to purchase a small thing or two, but eh. Most of my tops are band t-shirts I bought at gigs, most of my bottoms are exactly identical pairs of jeans, there's just not much going on you know? But unlike with most of the items on this list I would really like to be doing this properly. I would like to wear cuter things with prettier colours and designs. This one's an actual goal. But so far I haven't really made progress. The aforementioned shopping sucks thing, plus a fear of being so aesthetically clueless that I just make myself look like a big idiot if I try anything risky, plus the fact that doing things that are not my established routine is tricky in general--these are barriers for me. I guess another barrier is that the things that would be most interesting to try out and therefore most potentially motivating fall into the wrong-gender-clothes category and therefore bring into play some of the barriers from that other category a few ones up. I did actually somehow get myself to dabble in that area some years ago to a modest but positive degree of satisfaction. It'll probably happen again. The patterns and causes that determine whether I can or cannot find motivation to engage in a thing--they are mysterious indeed.

Like horn implants or whatever other crazy miscellany -- I don't want anything in this category and don't have any non-trivial thoughts about it either. Including this section for completeness only.

---

Well, there you have it, that's the post. Now you know a bit more about some of my little weirdsies. If you actually made it through the whole thing, a) how interesting and b) why not tell me a little weirdsy of yours in return, whether it pertains to the above list or not? Why not get all antiphonal on my post, that way I'd get to know a thing about you as well, it might be a whole fun kind of deal. You don't have to though, I didn't make this post to try to snare people into letting themselves be known, I just kind of made it to be a post mostly. I make all sorts of kinds of posts you know? And so I thought I'd try one that's like this.

#selfposting #uninteresting #more uninteresting than average #and a bit too long #and yet putting it in a readmore didn't feel right for some reason; sorry all! #have you ever tried listicle oversharing? it's weirdly freeing

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz #ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and #then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc. #Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific #cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or #etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as #you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on #accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have #as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence #of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate #versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a #neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest #ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling #and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for #documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like #sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I #can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If #I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my #ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ?? #Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be #accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor #focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it #were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan #that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is #some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my #kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means #i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m #in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in #one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability #& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER

[downtherabbitholewithlucy]

🖐🏻✌🏻[LIMP BIZKIT]👌🏻🖖🏻

#when the whole squad got sexy ass hands🥵 #yes. each member has his own zoomed in pic. some more obvious than others. #some pics I cropped out the tats (well as much as possible) to make it a fun guessing game for y'all #and before you ask... I didn't want to include so many close ups of like hands on instruments (because then it's hella obvious). #I think I only included like one in here... if you squint really hard (or not. idk.) #Anyways... I've always thought the all guys have have beautiful hands✨💗😍 #I'm sure I'm not the only person who has just ogled at their hands during stage performances or videos #Wes Borland #Fred Durst #Sam Rivers #DJ Lethal #John Otto #Limp Bizkit #nu metal #down the rabbit hole

[bluejayblueskies]

i've often yearned to be in a romantic relationship, from when i was pretty young to now even though i now recognize that i'm aromantic and it's not something i actually want when push comes to shove. and this probably isn't anything profound, but i've started to wonder recently if i'm actually yearning for a romantic relationship or if i'm yearning for a deeply meaningful, intimate, and loving relationship with somebody who i can trust and show all the parts of myself and know that they'll always be on my side and spend the rest of my life with, and society has just told me over and over and over again that i can't have that without the romance

#now i know what you're thinking: #'hey jay you talk a lot about queerplatonic relationships and how they're important #and you talk a lot also about how friendships are just as intimate and loving as romantic relationships' #and yeah i do! recently i've been involved in fandom spaces where we talk about these things (like malevolent) #with a lot of other aspec people who share their own experiences (esp. with malevolent with the aro!arthur headcanons) #but i've always been really bad at actually integrating that stuff into how i go about my own irl life #and tbh ... even if it crossed my mind before i never really thought it was a realistic thing to want yknow? #the thought of 'well who's going to give you what you want out of a relationship and be okay with it *not* being romantic' #has definitely crossed my mind many times #but idk! i've always just really wanted that One Person Who Will Be With You Always that i saw growing up irl and in media #and that i still see and love and want #and i still don't know if i personally will ever find somebody who i want that with who won't be looking for romance #but it's finally started to sink in i think that what i want and who i am are not two conflicting forces #i can want all the things that a romantic relationship has to offer (minus the romance of course) *and* i can be aromantic #and these are two things that can coexist #and that real people have! and that i'm seeing written into media! (malevolent my beloved) #it's just helped me wrap my head around all of this a little bit better #personal

[sailor-aviator]

.

#y'all my anxiety has me spiraling as of late because it just feels like my whole life is falling apart at this point #i got fired from my job a couple of months ago and i've been scrambling to try and find a new one #i work part time at a store i really love but it pays shit #and i've had all of these interviews and no one wants to hire me and i just feel unhireable at this point and it's hard not to despair #and on top of that i'm struggling with my self esteem again #i know i'm not ugly per se but i'm struggling with feeling confident in the way i look as a big girl #and all of my old insecurities are rearing their ugly heads and i want to cry just thinking about it #and i feel like such a failure right now even though i know that life has its ups and downs but my stupid brain just won't chill #and i don't really have any friends in the area because they all either moved away or didn't live here to begin with #and i'm tired of living at home because of my stupid student loans and not being able to afford to live on my own #i have one person i hang out with and we just met and i don't want to scare them off because they're a great friend and person #and i just feel like i'm never going to meet anybody who's going to love me the way i want to be loved because of my looks #also because it's me. and i feel like i'm so flawed as a person that no one will ever fall in love with me #and i've just been feeling really alone lately and i'm trying to do things to make me feel better but it's just so HARD right now #and i love writing because it gives me a chance to explore some of my feelings and it's something i genuinely love to do #and i'm sitting here waiting for the day things start to get better. and i know we all joke and i'm gonna sounds so dumb for saying this #but i feel like i was meant to be famous? or do something great idk and it's something everyone has always told me #and idk if my feelings of inadequacy are because of that or what but i'm scared that my life is going to mean nothing in the end #anyway this was a lot and you can pretend like you didn't read it. i just wanted to write some of my feelings down

[astrxealis]

okay rambles but i started creatively writing in like ... 5th grade? and. oh god just a little encouragement to anyone looking to get into writing or insecure or whatnot, but HELLS, maybe it's to he expected with my (obviously) very young age and inexperience with writing then, but my writing was really. yeah. Yeah. but then i'm what... a lot older now, obviously, and my writing has gotten leagues better. i'm probably not a good example for this bcs childhood years development stuff are different etc etc BUT practicing writing more and whatnot really does go a long way :]

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚ #my writing in 2020 is a lot different than my writing now even! especially so compared to my writing from 2010s #reading a lot of media is also really important :] i always read a lot of books BUT i only started to really read poetry since the pandemic #which were uh basically my early teenage years so idk if i'm a good example for this bcs childhood brain development and stuff (???) #BUT STILL ..... playing games like ffxiv and being really invested in the lore and writing + reading more poems and being fascinated with #more authors and pieces of literature + expanding my general vocabulary knowledge whatnot ... it all really goes a long way! #oh man i'm pretty proud of myself actually. i do love my writing. as imperfect (as all things are) it is. #i had a lot of Pauses with writing throughout my uhh relatively short life thus far since i'm NOT yet an adult and all aha but yeah! #so bless ffxiv again for bringing back my writing spirit... and other medias and whatever <3 #rn i have to thank bg3 for bringing back my Creative Spirit bcs i've been writing a lot more again and having/working on my creative ideas!! #okay i just wanted to ramble a bit lol ^_^ there! #idk my being a writer is very important to me. and my journey as one too. #i want to make a book one day! most feasibly would be to make a collection of short stories :] a bit similar to 'm is for magic' maybe bcs #i grew up with that lol neil gaiman i adore you <3 #i have a very special original world in my head but i am a little selfish and want to keep them all to myself... oops. or who knows! #anyway i have a lot of ideas and i adore writing and literature sooo much <3 #anyway. okay. leaving it here. #cheering on every writer author whatever out there !!! unless you're a sucky person of course yuck bigots but yeah ^^ <3 #huge writing inspo for me is uhhhhhhhh. thinking #ffxiv! does ffxiv count. esp drk quests. and shb as a whole. and then... edgar allan poe? neil gaiman? yeah? #can't remember anyone else good gods but i love vivid and imaginative storytelling and writing descriptively :] a bit of prose but also #quite simple in its eloquence (???) unsure honestly oh gods anyway BYE rambles over apollo signing off beep boop AGHHHHH (screams)

[magentagalaxies]

tonight is a "getting emotional over paul bellini" kind of night <3

#just thinking about how lucky i am that not only did he see me being a nerd over mouth congress almost two years ago and reach out to say hi #but also that in our first conversation he asked about my comedy and immediately was interested in seeing where it could go #like i have a distinct type of dynamic with each of the kith people i know of course #but bellini's always going to be special to me bc he's the first one i met. he's the one who met me before i knew anyone related to kith #both scott and bruce met me as someone who already knew someone from the show. but bellini met me as just a random fan #like he didn't have to bring me into the world of kith as much as he did but he wanted to! #and idk i'm just thinking about it bc in my little interview i did with him for my final in a comedy class #i did ask him what it was about my comedy that made him think it had potential #and he gave such a thoughtful answer that really showed he thinks i'm funny and that i could be a great comedian #and he referenced past work i've shown him etc. and it was all in that great bellini tone where he's very complimentary #but it never feels disingenuous or like he's just being nice bc he respects you enough to tell you his honest opinions #i value a compliment from scott or bruce or paul very much bc they're all some of my favorite comedians and my mentors #and of course having a different dynamic with each of them means i will value their comments in different ways #and i wouldn't say i value one person's feedback more than another's #but there's always something special about bellini bc he's the one who has known me the longest and knew me before all of this #(technically he's the only one who got to know me as a teenager bc i was 19 when we met even tho my 20th birthday was a few weeks later) #and yeah i really hope he's having a good night tonight bc he deserves it

[musical-chick-13]

.

#idk it's just really frustrating to think that people will ALWAYS make allowances for people they're romantically in love with but #not make those same allowances for someone else they otherwise care about. #that people will risk things for their partners that they wouldn't for their friends #that it's EXPECTED for you to prioritize your spouse/significant other/etc. at all times but prioritizing your friend(s) is rarely even #considered. and when you're like me and you LITERALLY CANNOT DO THIS SHIT BY YOURSELF... #like I know I go on and on about marrying some theoretical woman all the time (and my ongoing...whatever this is. with Musician Guy) #but genuinely I'm not even sure that I want that I think I just want someone who will fucking visit me in the hospital if I get into a car #crash or fix me soup when I'm sick. #like...yeah. in that one story I wrote I think I distilled it down: we all just want someone to hold us when we're sad #and it SUCKS that the only avenue we seem to be allowed to pursue that is through a romantic relationship #right now I have my dad but if something happens to him...I genuinely do not know what I'm going to do. I'll have nowhere to go #if something terrible happens. I'll have no one to help me be a person. and I just. like I really am going to just have to power through #the next 60 years on this fucking planet alone and by god I'll fucking do it but I wish I didn't have to!!!! #and I think this was why the loss of Her™ friendship (which was necessary. for both of us) was so acutely painful. because even after #she got married she WAS willing to prioritize me when things got bad enough. she DID genuinely care about me in a way I don't think #anyone ever has. and I just really don't think I'll ever find that ever again. and I can't go back and I don't WANT to be with her anymore #but it was this time of the year when she told me she was getting married way back when and my brain has kept that like the World's Worst #Anniversary and all of those terrible ugly feelings are coming back in full force and I HATE that I'm still unpacking this I. HATE. that #this not-even-relationship is STILL doing this to me #WHAT THE FUCK!!! IS UP WITH THAT!!!!!! #*sigh* okay for REAL I am logging off right now because I've already said Too Many Embarrassing Personal Things about myself today #and I do not want to put myself in a position to say anymore! #In the Vents #GOD this is so stupid IT'S NOT LIKE SOMEBODY DIED WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS

[cookies-over-yonder]

cookies sad hour whining hour ignore me (<- actually loves attention)

#i'm sad because i wish people would message me first more #i'm always the person who messages first #but when other people send me messages it makes me feel like oh you actually like talking to me and wanted to reach out and talk to me and #are giving me attention without me messaging first #i am a person who needs a lot of attention #and i don't mind asking for it bc i'm the kind of person who says what i want and need #but i get really sad at it sometimes because #when i'm feeling depressed or anxious then i isolate myself and if other people were to reach out to me first more then it would be less #likely to happen #like i even just want people to check in on me every now and then. ask me how i'm feeling if i've mentioned going through a depressive #episode #or whatever mental troubles #idk why i'm feeling so emotional about this suddenly #like i don't mind messaging people first but i guess when it comes to me struggling badly then i WISH people would message me to ask me #how i'm doing #@ all my friends reading this i am not upset at anyone at all btw i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert #almost no one messages me first which is whatever cuz i'm chatty and used to initiating conversations but i guess it also makes me sad #i dont ask people to because i'm not about to force people to be doing something that is uncomfortable for them #i do ask people to check in on me though if they know i'm having an episode #idk if it rly happens though #i just sometimes fear that if i stopped pulling my weight in relationships due to a mental health crisis that all of my friendships will di #because i'm the one who initiates everything #again i'm not upset at anyone i'm just lamenting about being a mentally ill extrovert #vent #you can heart this or reply or whatever idc but rbs are off for obvious reasons

[transgender-catboy]

I love my friends

#i think im just going to talk in the tags for a moment. got a lot on my mind #for starters. the fnaf movie comes out soon. really looking forward to that. think its gonna be awesome and amazing and I'm super excited!!! #secondly. waiting on funds so i can buy that mask i saw the other day and some Halloween candy from Walmart #i . want to do little goodie bags for the kids in my building. but im too scared to go up to their parents and ask candy preference and #allergy concerns. so. idk. maybe I'll just save it. I think it's a cute concept but it makes me feel like my mother. #she loved to do little gift things for people. but it was always people that didn't like her. i don't want to be that way #i know my value. i know my time and energy means something. i don't want to waste it on people who don't give a shit. ya know? #not saying the kids are those kinds of people. not what i mean. but just as an overall thing. i don't like being like her. #...yeah. i dunno. you get raised by one person your whole life. you pick up some of their characteristics #i can't sob without sounding like her. safe to say i am a little emotionally constipated. so i seek other means to relieve that feeling. #like yesterday when i threw up. i played it off like that was a blunder on my body. but i know what i did. #hey. at least it's not the other method. right?. .. yeah. okay. i know. not great either #but it hurts. and I'm so fucking sick and tired of crying over her. genuinely. it's exhausting crying all the time #but that's the only way I can get those emotions out #I've tried to do the counseling thing. but other things made that impossible. then i moved. #and i tried the grief thing but instead i just got a talking buddy? he helps me get out of the house yeah. #but we dont talk about her #... i dunno. I'm just here. #guess i waited long enough. now you get a mini secret. every time i make an i love my friends post. I'm reminding myself why I'm still going #I'm usually sitting around somewhere in my apartment (desk couch bed) crying. alone. thinking about you guys. #so uh. thank you. #i love you guys so much. and i don't know where I'd be without you #probably dead. #💖 #vent

[littlepetbee]

new relationship status: unofficially in a unlabeled platonic partnership with my best friend

#personal #the reason it's unofficial and unlabeled is bc if any Weight was added to our relationship and anything changed abt the way we are #my aro ass would Not be able to handle that lmao #but we've been talking a lot lately about Us and relationships generally and realized that half the reason #neither of us have ever wanted to get married/date/whatever is bc /we/ are each other's People until death do us part #the very thought of anyone coming into our lives that would have to match each other in importance is awful to both of us #she's my number one and i'm hers and nothing has changed about our relationship other than professing our Commitment to each other #that we'll always walk through the world together and any really big decisions will be made collaboratively or with the other in mind #which is a big ol' RELIEF to me bc that's how i've always felt about her but i never thought someone who's not aro would return that #but she was literally the one to bring it up like 'i always feel weird calling what we have a friendship bc i have friends and i have you #and it's not the same thing' #IDK MAN THIS IS PROBABLY OVERSHAREY BUT IT'S A REALLY BIG DEAL TO ME AND I'M REALLY HAPPY #I NEVER THOUGHT I COULD HAVE SOMETHING LIKE THIS #and i love that she's always called me her 'other half' and now that's more than just a turn of phrase <3

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

that's another thing though, isn't it? because i can go on and on about how he's dating someone who's been a fan of him for years and how fucked up that is and no one will listen but we (meaning the human collective) have just barely learned that some relationship dynamics are fucked up despite the ages of the participants. when one of those vine sauce boys was just having one night stands with his fans people were uproariously angry... and that's not AS bad for various reasons but still bad in a way that is now being ignored. it is never okay to take advantage of your status as a content creator to enter into any type of relation/situationship with someone, especially when you're as popular as He is. however, i'm aware relationships have certain contexts and, as an outsider, you can't and *shouldn't* try to come up with that context that you'll never know for sure... BUT, as i've said a billion times in the last year or so, knowing that someone has been watching you and a fan of you for a majority of your career should AT THE VERY LEAST make you step back and question whether or not to pursue a relationship with them. if at all.

#i can't help but be negative about their relationship not because i am a schizo nutjob but because of all of the information i've found out #about her and her past relationships. I DID NOT HAVE TO DIG DEEP TO FIND THIS INFO BTW i didn't stalk anyone but abt half a year ago a few #anonymous ppl came out and said some very eye-opening shit about her... i did try to inquire further and maybe prod and see if at least one #of them was lying but they never responded. perhaps all of the 3 ppl who had stories abt her were lying and perhaps none of them were #either way idk what they hoped to gain about coming out with their info anyways except for maybe just. finally having a reason to say it? #because they know she's dating a popular content creator idk. like i said you should take that all woth a grain of salt even though #at least SOME of that information has been proven. anyways none of that matters honestly she could be the best person ever who cares #the point i'm trying to make here is that jeremy should be disappointing people by doing this but the percentage of people who were #bothered by this doesn't add up with the current amount of sjw tumblrinas in his audience. i honestly wish all of his old 4chan misogynist #fans came back but that bridge has been burned LMFAOOOO honestly i wish i could just get over him and his stupid bullshit but i can't for #whatever reason. i'm sorry for always going on and on abt it when i half of you still adore him and want me dead everytime i talk abt this #and the other half could not give a single fuck less but. yeah. that's all i have to say really