#with a lot of other aspec people who share their own experiences (esp. with malevolent with the aro!arthur headcanons)

[bluejayblueskies]

i've often yearned to be in a romantic relationship, from when i was pretty young to now even though i now recognize that i'm aromantic and it's not something i actually want when push comes to shove. and this probably isn't anything profound, but i've started to wonder recently if i'm actually yearning for a romantic relationship or if i'm yearning for a deeply meaningful, intimate, and loving relationship with somebody who i can trust and show all the parts of myself and know that they'll always be on my side and spend the rest of my life with, and society has just told me over and over and over again that i can't have that without the romance

#now i know what you're thinking: #'hey jay you talk a lot about queerplatonic relationships and how they're important #and you talk a lot also about how friendships are just as intimate and loving as romantic relationships' #and yeah i do! recently i've been involved in fandom spaces where we talk about these things (like malevolent) #with a lot of other aspec people who share their own experiences (esp. with malevolent with the aro!arthur headcanons) #but i've always been really bad at actually integrating that stuff into how i go about my own irl life #and tbh ... even if it crossed my mind before i never really thought it was a realistic thing to want yknow? #the thought of 'well who's going to give you what you want out of a relationship and be okay with it *not* being romantic' #has definitely crossed my mind many times #but idk! i've always just really wanted that One Person Who Will Be With You Always that i saw growing up irl and in media #and that i still see and love and want #and i still don't know if i personally will ever find somebody who i want that with who won't be looking for romance #but it's finally started to sink in i think that what i want and who i am are not two conflicting forces #i can want all the things that a romantic relationship has to offer (minus the romance of course) *and* i can be aromantic #and these are two things that can coexist #and that real people have! and that i'm seeing written into media! (malevolent my beloved) #it's just helped me wrap my head around all of this a little bit better #personal