#but fears opening up himself

[seaweedstarshine]

“That’s a bold choice, Dalek Supreme, coming to a wedding planet dressed in white! Unless you’re here to get hitched… should I be flattered?”

“We are here to exterminate you.”

“Oh, that’s probably for the best. Not sure River would be up for a marriage à trois… not with a Dalek, at any rate.”

—Eleventh Doctor Chronicles: Victory of the Doctor

#hearts-wrenching audio… methinks it's time for my ''SERIAL CHEATERS OR OPEN MARRIAGE?'' poll I've been wanting to do #river song #eleventh doctor #yowzah #bein real the ending of this audio series was gorgeous - the wedding - Valarie talking about all the therapy she's gonna get #and the implication Doctor goes meditating as a monk in Bells of Saint John for a similar reason- very similar to the prequel miniepisode #ngl this audio series set up The Day of the Doctor better than all of Season 7B #what with it being about the Doctor being terrified of becoming a Warrior again and losing himself to that #if the daleks are around then he killed his people for nothing! now he/oswin made the daleks forget the only thing they fear! noooo #also this part ‘I hate you!!!’ ‘...I hate me too’ #BTW i DO enjoy season 7b but it had obvious behind-the-scenes setbacks i.e. half the stories being wrote for Victorian Clara #and I appreciate the Eleventh Doctor Chronicles for filling in with that time war existential dread #and I love valarie/roanna. and I love the paradigm daleks and I love this boxset for making them so threatening #words by seaweed

[the-eclectic-wonderer]

Jonathan continues to be the most relatable character ever

#me too jonathan me too #sorry for memeing. today’s entry is *harrowing* but this opening line took me out #that being said… the *gull* of making your victim write those letters himself… #i was about to write that the count doesn’t think Jonathan is That stupid but actually? he might. he looks down on all humanity #so he might actually be still convinced that Jonathan hasn’t caught on yet #(despite what Jonathan himself says) #in any case he’s approaching the Done Playing stage. i suppose the episode with the Brides shook him up more than he lets on #he fears he won’t be able to keep Jonathan alive for himself much longer I guess? #so he’s taking action now #the sheer *terror* Jonathan must be experiencing. being made to write letters that will cover up your own gruesome death… #he’s keeping such a level head about all this he’s *amazing* #im actually in awe of him #dracula daily

[stainedglass-sketchbook]

This is so funny to me bc this is about my tav who is very much not the dark urge! just a bit of a freak

#tav yeric #astarion #bg3 #started rambling about yeric in the tags couldn’t stop lol #yeric is pretty well adjusted for a guy who’s been living in the woods alone for a decade #he is generally really reserved and quiet #but off putting stuff just spills from his mouth sometimes #and when he does open up he says things without thinking them through (and that’s on his 8 INT) #also the thing about cannibalism is that yeric got trapped in the mountains with a bunch of travelers when he was 23 #and they ended up having to cannibalize some people and eat their dead #Yeric’s partner died and he ate her #this launched the previously mentioned decade long woods isolation #and so yeric has issues around food and hunger #and a deep deep fear of people around him starving to death #so I’m some ways like getting fed on by astarion is genuinely a comfort to him #doesn’t need to worry about astarion being hungry! #he has direct proof that astarion is physically well! #all he has to do is take care of himself and cast lesser restoration and someone else can be sustained just on that! how wonderful! #yeric is also a big acts of service guy so that desire also gets fulfilled by the blood sucking agreement #at the same time #yeric also processed the cannibalism thing in a weird way where his survivors guilt manifested as a desire to be eaten #so while he genuinely does get a lot out of the agreement with astarion it is also triggering to him and does not help at all with #his self worth issues #astarion and yeric have a long talk about this post game - I think their relationship would need a break from the feeding for a while #yeric needs space to be see himself being loved outside of his utility to other people #and also to know that astarion is going to be okay if yeric takes a break from being his personal juicebox for 5 minutes

[t0a2ter]

oh.... oh man......

#no home #haejoon finally openly talking abt ghosts only to be met with concern and fear from the first person he opened up abt them to #after years of trying to convince himself he couldn't see anything bc he “wasn't crazy” too #oh man.....

[earlgodwin]

actually my roman empire is juan borgia's greatest fear being that his family would dislike and abandon him then they ironically ended up doing exactly what he had dreaded the most and it's his family not just hating him but also metaphorically dancing on his grave without even a hint of sentimentality

#the idea of him losing himself in the pressure of the role and the rumors of that he might not be rodrigo's son drove him insane and extreme #like the key concern of his paternity and through that and through the way in which he lets down his family over... #even when he genuinely wanted to protect them but he absolutely did it in a very misguided way #he loved lucrezia and even cesare despite everything and wanted to join their inc&st polycule like that's so compelling to me!! #and just when he wanted a reconciliation with him and opening up to him and pouring his heart out to him #cesare hits him with the very decidedly (and hypocritically) “we're borgias we never forgive” exclusion in his final moment #knowing well that he struggled with the feeling of not being a “true borgia” and cesare knows it and deliberately said it to hurt him extra #then later cesare was begging ''forgiveness'' from rodrigo lmao #juan's character is eternally amusing i fear it's been 11 years now #juan borgia #the borgias #david oakes #text post

[blaqueswanzaghouliishiilikeda]

bare with me bc im fatigued but unable to sleep so i’m just here thinking and need to get my thoughts out, but i think much of louis’ passivity stems from his relationship with his mother and family. we don’t really see him become passive until claudia arrives. please correct me if i’m wrong but i believe that side of him is awakened once that traditional family structure is solidified in his home and i think the du lac family has a lot to do with why he’s like that and not just that he’s incapable of acting or choosing.

i see him and i see the child/mother that doesn’t want to repeat his mother’s failings on his own family but takes it so far to the extreme that it means he refuses to confront anything ever bc he feels he’s communicating the unconditional love he never received. he really is someone who wants the ones in his life to know they can be loved through anything. whether or not people receive it in the way he gives it i don’t think should be put on his shoulders as much it is.

he doesn’t have healthy understanding of discipline/consequences bc he was punished for things he couldn’t help like his queer identity. it doesn’t really seem like growing up he got into much trouble, again correct me if im wrong. other than paul his pimping isn’t really admonished by the du lacs bc it affords them their lifestyle. they are willing to distance themselves from it bc they get the house and the staff and the honeymoon trips etc. but they won’t overlook who he is. and it outweighs anything else. and that’s a weird thing to process being punished for bc the only thing you can do is deny yourself. but they know. so you hiding it and they know and they show you they disapprove even if you’re trying to play by their rules. it creates a complex.

then there’s paul. he’s the only one who really took it on to take care of paul and establish a relationship with him. i think florence probably didn’t push back against his institutionalization and grace seems to agree he belonged there. louis was the only one who saw how it negatively impacted paul. he loved paul that was his favorite person and then he killed himself and florence blames him for simply being there. this is where he starts to go from the favored son to the scapegoat which is a fucked transition to experience and i think its super underestimated how badly louis is impacted by it. it also happens when he starts to openly entertain lestat so it’ll never matter that his last moments with paul were expressions of love bc his all florence sees is that he’s been acting in sin and so of course he must of done and said something to kill her baby who he was raising and caring for in her place btw. when paul was upset he went to louis not florence. the last thing he ever said to paul was he loved him and he still died and florence blames him for it. he’s always punished for loving as far as he’s concerned.

then he does make “a choice” to become an immortal monster/companion/wife, which given all the circumstances is very much not much of a choice on his part, but he decides to go with what he wants and that choice is at the center of the unraveling of almost all the things he cares about and links to his human identity. and he clings to his human identity so i believe that fucks with his ability to trust his own decision making for sure. it’s the loss of his role in his family slowly but surely and everything he did he did for them. he always struggles with his decisions about how he supports his family and how he copes w the impact it has on his community. so if in choosing his own desire to love and be loved for once strips him of his family and his community what does that say about the decisions he made along the way? what was it all for? and then on top of that he didn’t even know what he was choosing in choosing immortality with lestat. he’s rocked by being faced with the reality of his choice so much so that he forgot his brother died for a moment. he’s probably developed an inability to take a step in any direction bc every step leads to a new rock bottom and he doesn’t trust himself anymore. that’s a very real thing that happens.

so how does that manifest when he has his own lil nuclear family?? well

with claudia he doesn’t ever want her to feel like she could ever lose his love for her for any reasons. like his family showed him. so bc his own punishments were correlated with who he was and not things he did really i don’t think he’s able to see disciplining claudia as guiding her towards better actions i think he sees it as punishing her for being as she is which he blames himself for and also for loving (where charlie is concerned but i’ll get to that…). it was his choice to bring her into this life so how can he trust himself beyond loving her unconditionally. that’s what he wants so that’s what he gives. claudia does what she does bc she’s a vampire and she didn’t choose that. he did. so he retreats when the consequences of that crop up and becomes passive. he doesn’t want to take a step in any direction on top of the patriarchal structure that the father is the law of the house, but then charlie happens.

claudia didnt kill charlie out of maliciousness. it was young love with all the demanding of the insatiable hunger of a vampire. even lestat recognizes that she got carried away so to louis punishing her or even makeing her feel bad for the action was too deeply entwined with punishing her for loving at all and that is a sensitive thing for him. he doesn’t handle it better than lestat that’s not what i’m saying what i’m saying is he doesn’t have the tools to guide her through this. what he has is the desperation to not repeat what harmed him growing up. it’s after this that he decides lestat cannot be the law of the household where claudia is concerned until he realizes his approach seriously blinded him to the fact that claudia ,yes is a doomed child vampire, but she’s a doomed child vampire making decisions and her actions have serious consequences for all of them and he doesn’t have the tools to guide. he can love her through anything, but how can he of all people really guide her. this isn’t as simple as no running in the house and listen to your elders. the mother is learning her daughter is her own person (and vampire) not an extension of her and with character traits like her father too. (plus the mother has to realize that she can’t heal herself through her daughter) whew. so louis decides to step back and to let lestat be the law again and then claudia LEAVES and on her way out she challenges his decision to turn her at all (with good reason. these two vampires should not be raising a baby!!) louis is literally so distraught he wants her to come home but he can’t bring himself to go after her and bring her home. he doesn’t want to take a step!! he doesn’t want to decide. it never leads to what he thinks it will. i don’t think he believes he can trust himself to make good choices. so he loves her unconditionally on broadcast for every vampire within radio earshot to hear because that’s what he can do. thennnn she’s harmed while she’s gone and i’m sure he’s feels in a way responsible. he wanted to be her protector so badly (when actually she’s his but i’ll get to that in a bit) and wasn’t able to. and of course there’s that scene™️ in ep5 with being put in a position where he was pressured to choose between lestat and claudia and because it LOOKED like he MIGHT choose claudia and because he didn’t IMMEDIATELY choose lestat disaster ensued. that’s a lot. fuck.

and when the nature of his relationship with claudia shifts more to siblings because she’s getting older, wants more agency and claudia realizes she is also a replacement for grace, this is where the passiveness that is the result of his relationship with grace developed. bc while its true claudia takes over for grace, she is the sister to louis that grace never ever was. on top of the fact that her solution for their issues was “you’re dead to me,” grace never actually accepted and supported his queer identity truly like claudia and she definitely never protected him like claudia either (defending mama du lac in regards to paul comes to mind and also her husband being the replacement son). and louis needs and wants both those things as well as someone who won’t abandon him like grace did and he let’s claudia be them but takes it to the extreme where the last two are concerned. Louis doesn’t think he can save himself from his situation and claudia believes she can save herself and him. she isn’t gonna leave him behind. he leans into that heavily. it’s not just that he can’t and won’t make choices to get them out of their situation it’s also that he’s traumatized by his past choices and also he’s also loving lestat unconditionally as well on top of that (in the way he’s able to). i don’t think louis could see a way out like at all. he was shrouded in darkness. the best he could do was compartmentalize his love for lestat to protect himself when things were at their worst that was his flashlight in that darkness. but like when it was necessary for the success of the plan that he allow himself to love lestat fully he said if i feel it there’s no way out of this fr fr. he knew he wouldn’t make good choices. choosing lestat is the decision he will always make for better or worse. but that’s at the expense of claudia on top of choking her.

like idk we joke about his inability to make decisions but that trait in him is drenched with trauma. and his family is a huge part of why imo. i just get so upset when i think about them. i really rambled on and on here. not sure how much sense this makes but i guess this ties into my feelings about this as well. but yeah not choosing as a trauma response and not just as a way to get out of confronting his problems even tho that is a symptom. if that makes sense. idk. my brain is mash potatoes right now.

#iwtv #louis de pointe du lac #ldpdl #the de pointe du lacs said he can go to hell #and he went and started a family there with his rich french white husband #who’s doing it like him #claudia #if i keep opening doors that lead be to a new level of hell im not prepared for i’d develop a fear of opening doors #thats the tldr of this long ass post i guess #i planned to mention that a lot of claudia’s kills are attempts to create a companion as well #in regards to punishing her for loving or in this case wanting love and seeking it out #the placement of the claudia tag is driving me crazy bc it reads like a response to the question before it #but actually just had the thought that i should tag her name bc it’s pretty relevant to all this #re: paul’s death - and he probably already blamed himself for not noticing #for going up there #for not stopping him #etc. all these decisions!! #we want him to make better decisions or any decision but like he doesn’t have the tools. he wasn’t prepared for what motherhood really was #no matter how much he wanted to be one

[cutemeat]

never wont lose my mind over Glenn’s choice to frame the scene like this and have Mac pointing towards Dennis before delivering the line “yeah.. that’s the one.” like OK!!! OK!

#macden #macdennis #the beginning of my insane amount of re-watching this show over n over again all began with the 2 week period wehere i did nothing but #rewatch this ep n take notes. it did things to my brain #like glenn rewatching the show pre-s14 rlly shows cuz all the directing choices made in Macden Break Up came very much back into play here #with the Walls... ugh. sunny motifs u kno #ITS SHOWIN THAT DEN IS STILL THE CAT KEEPIN HIMSELF IN THE WALL!!! IT BRINGS BACK A SIMILAR SHOT FROM MACDEN BREAK UP!! #like... dennis FEELS like theres a wall between him n mac. but its invisible. n mac wont just TURN AROUND even tho he knows yeah Dennis.. #hes the one! his guy... his LEADING MAN #JUST TURN AROUNDDD #but the thing is there IS a wall n its invisibile so DENNIS cant see how his own insecurity n fear of taking a risk is holding himself back #from what his hearts always wanted.. which is just the same exact core conflict of Macden Break Up... in reality they never addressed that #problen so this ewas a smart way to bring it back around before we open up our Real macden storyline in s14/s15...the Set Up.. the Act i... #parker posts

[dutybcrne]

Thunderings are happening, my brain has funneled off into hcs mode

#//Aka; guess who am I gonna ramble on abt rn lol #☆ ┆ ( .ooc. ); #hc; kaeya #//That's right; babes! #//Anywho; Kae is NOT a fan of thunder #//If it's not tales of the Electro Archon from his father; then it's the circumstances in which they'd parted #//The moment the storm rolled in; he was terrified esp of the sound and ran himself ragged trying to find a place to escape it #//Damn near ran himself off a cliff had a strike of lightning not made him stumble back from it #//Managed to find his way to the winery where he hid for a bit before Tunner found him and Crepus managed to persuade him to stay #//After damn near running the man winded bc he thought he was trying to chase him off or worse #//The fear lingered and festered more the longer he stayed in the Land of the Anemo Archon; out of guilt for 'deceiving' the Ragnvindrs #//For letting him stay there; for not telling them why he was here. Grew up half expecting to get Smote or smth at any time #//Esp whenever Luc dragged him into mischief or he went to the Church with them for whatever reason #//Mostly the former; but bc it was Luc asking him to clown; he didn't mind the 'potential risk' #//Even as a knight; he tended to get extremely skittish and quicker-tempered when it came to patrol during storms. Still does #//Tho at that time; thinly veiling the fact that he very much felt like a cornered animal every time he had to go and couldn't get out of i #//Esp if Luc was the one who asked him to come with; bc like before; he really didn't ever want nor like to say no to him #//The aversion got worse bc thundered the night of his Confrontation with Diluc too; absolutely increased how much he hated it #//His aversion tends to manifest in a drop in temperatures or frost formation; as well as him pausing and quickly glancing about #//As if he's half expecting a threat of some sort; really he's quickly locating things to distract himself with #//If he's with a trusted person; he'll tend to wordlessly press against their side; then either brush it off like he just wanted to #//Or mutter a quick 'thunder' and Not Elaborate whatsoever. Either they get it or they don't #//He WILL get annoyed if he's teased about it. And it will take him AWHILE before he lets the person comfort him during bc of it #//Bc from that point; he will assume it's done mockingly or bc they feel they HAVE to; and he hates that #//If they let him be or even support him more instead; he will make a passing mention abt how much he hates thunder to start cuing them in #//They just gotta show they are a Safe person--bonus is this opens up a LOT of doors when it comes to trust later #//It doesn't help that he already hates dealing with loud sounds as is; even the blasts from Klee Jumpy Dumpties set him on edge #//But the bad memories he has to thunder make it the worse by far to him

[edoro]

concept: Caleb Wittebane follows a witch into to the demon realm, leaving behind one odd and socially maladjusted sister, Temperance. of course, she won’t rest until she gets Caleb back; she is plagued by nightmarish images of poor Caleb being subjected to all the torments of Hell in that place, alone amongst demons and sorcerers, and so she dedicates herself to finding a way into that infernal realm to bring Caleb back.

(she regrets so deeply that her own fear kept her from following Caleb, that her uncertainty kept her from insisting and pulling Caleb back into their own good and godly world. she won’t make the same mistake again.)

when she does finally end up in the Boiling Isles, she goes in the guise of a man. it isn’t safe, after all, for a woman to travel alone in such a place. who knows what might happen? Temperance is left behind, and it’s Philip who emerges into the winding caverns of Eclipse Lake and must find his way out and climb down the frigid Knee.

and of course, Philip needs help to understand and survive this bizarre place. he needs traveling companions, native guides. and there’s one in particular, a handsome man near his age with a barbed tongue, a quick wit, and a voracious sense of curiosity about all things human, who Philip becomes so fond of he can almost forget the man isn’t human.

as they travel, the two grow closer. they spend long hours talking into the night, discussing anything and everything - their homes, their cultures, religion, philosophy, the natural sciences - magic, of course, which fascinates and repels Philip in equal measure. it’s unnatural, and yet the very earth and air and water of this place are full of it.

he’s very handsome, this witch. Philip finds himself idly doodling his face, sketching out his profile, trying to capture the curve of his cheek, the curl of his mouth when he’s about to lean in and murmur some vicious little aside to Philip about someone else, the way the strange sulfurous sea-wind lifts and ruffles his hair. Philip cannot stop looking at him, cannot stop thinking about him.

he isn’t kind, exactly. but he is eagerly interested in Philip, as excited to show Philip his own world as he is to learn of Philip’s. he listens to Philip. he understands Philip and matches his intellect in a way so few other people ever have. 

he fascinates Philip. he is, truly, the first friend Philip’s ever had outside of Caleb. they quickly become inseparable, and Philip starts to think - wrong as he knows it is - that perhaps things aren’t as black and white as he has been raised to believe. perhaps some good can come of this place. perhaps a non-human can still be a person.

their courtship is slow and tentative and awkward and nervous, and Philip does not even realize he’s being courted for quite a long time. (after all, he’s a man here. and God may have given him a woman’s form, so he might lay with a husband and bear him children as intended, and thus made his lust for men only right, only holy, but this witch doesn’t know that.) when he does, it frightens him badly, but... not enough to stop.

he likes being flirted with. he likes being treated like he’s something beautiful, something worth pursuing. he likes the breathless feeling of nervous anticipation, the blissful sense that they are the only two living creatures in all the world when they’re up in the pre-dawn light talking over some point of history or philosophy. he likes the way his entire body lights up when this man touches his hand, or leans in close enough they could almost kiss.

he shouldn’t. he knows he shouldn’t. they aren’t married, they can’t ever be married, this isn’t a proper courtship, this man isn’t a human being, if their union even could produce issue what would it be? some unholy thing, an affront to God - and this man thinks he is a man, this man is trying to seduce him into sodomy, this man is trying to seduce him away from everything he knows is good and righteous -

he ‘confesses’ his ‘deception.’ perhaps it will deter the man’s interest. (perhaps, is the secret hope in his heart, the man will want him as a woman, perhaps there is a way -)

this is an incredibly confusing conversation, because of course the witch has long since figured out his human friend Philip is a trans man, and that’s fine, it ain’t no thing, but this conversation makes it abundantly clear that Philip’s only concept of transness is as something he independently arrived at to explain his own Unnatural Nature, whatever that means, and that it very much IS a big deal where Philip is from, and that Philip for some reason feels very anxious and self-loathing and strange about it, and when witch bf very casually introduces him to the terms and language they have on the Boiling Isles about it and then equally casually alludes to the existence of hormonal and surgical treatments for it, it blows Philip’s fucking mind.

(and so he is seduced even further from God’s plan, tempted into unnaturally altering the body he was born with, and he shouldn’t he should not he knows he shouldn’t, if he does this how can he go back to the town where everyone has known him since he was a little girl?

but it feels so good. he’s never felt so comfortable in himself before. his body has always been this thing he’s trapped inside of, this ungainly anchor of flesh weighing down his soul, but suddenly it starts to feel like it’s actually his own, like he’s actually part of it rather than simply being forced to lug it around. the world seems clearer. he’s calmer, less quick to snap, less frightened, less angry. 

he’s happier. he’s never really been happy before, except for in the quiet moments he and Caleb can be themselves, alone together, the world kept at bay beyond the walls of their home.)

eventually, they have sex. it’s fantastic. the man is tender and attentive and admiring of Philip’s body. it feels good, it feels right, it feels like something so pleasant couldn’t possibly be wrong - but then, that’s how the Devil gets you, isn’t it? this is what temptation means. anyone can resist something they don’t want.

Philip feels filthy afterwards. he feels small and strange and used, furious and wounded. Philip knows he has damned himself. Philip cannot blame this witch for obeying his own deviant nature; instead he must blame himself for falling prey to temptation, straying from the path of righteousness, and he must simply be stronger.

it happens again, of course. he is weak. he is alone and scared and he misses Caleb so dearly but with every passing day he becomes more convinced that this horrible place swallowed Caleb whole, that Caleb is dead and Philip is trapped here alone forever, and without Caleb what point is there in going back to the human world?

Philip, after all, has nothing waiting for him there. there is a life for Temperance Wittebane to pick back up, an awkward and ill-fitting and isolated one, but a familiar one. there is no life nor room for Philip.

eventually, his feelings reach a boiling point. he is disgusted with himself, he’s frightened for his immortal soul, he is full of such overwhelming anger and bone-deep grief and he has no idea where it comes from (he doesn’t think about those things, they didn’t happen, his father was a good and godly man and would have never - it didn’t happen like that), and the one cause for all of it is this godless creature of this infernal realm, this thing in the shape of a beautiful man who has seduced him so far off the path of his quest -

so words are exchanged. he says things, cruel things. he makes his tongue into a whip and flays the skin off this man he knows so well. he burns down this strange and delicate shelter they’ve constructed between the two of them and he salts the earth so nothing else may grow, and he parts ways from this group and goes on his own to find Caleb -

hopefully alive, so that they can both be saved from this place and go home where they belong, but failing that he wants to find Caleb’s body or Caleb’s grave or some proof of what happened.

and then, of course, he finds Caleb happy, in love, with a family, and, well. we know what happens from there, don’t we?

#i just think it would be so much worse if he ALMOST came around #ALMOST let go of the prejudice and fear he was raised with #ALMOST let himself be happy the way caleb did #and then freaked out and ruined it all and retreated into his own mind and refused to ever let anyone else get close enough #to challenge his beliefs ever again #because it hurt so very badly and was so frightening to receive love and tenderness #to open himself up to it #to even begin to consider his whole life might be built on a foundation of cruelty and lies #nope! better to be a serial killer and do genocide about it #philip wittebane #the owl house #lil bit of #csa (implied) #lots of internalized stuff #hits philip w the transgenderfication beam

[mellomadness]

sometimes I wonder if I should take a gender studies class just so I can bitch every day about how an imaginary boyfriend is often seen as a requirement for a woman to feel safe enough to have fun at a club, or the idea that an imaginary person with a fake “claim” over me has more influence over predatory men than my own voice saying “No, I’m not interested, get lost”

#venting #hnnnnng the double standard is really really making my teeth hurt recently #(in that I’m grinding my jaw at the mere thought of this particular breed of injustice) #I honestly miss going out with my friends. I miss going to bars and clubs and enjoying the night #but I wanna go with my friends and leave my boyfriend at home for once #he gets to go out and enjoy himself all the time with his friends and they never even have to deal with unwanted flirtation #meanwhile I go out in a tshirt and jeans and get fucking catcalled or flirted with just fucking getting groceries #and it’s not a narrative on beauty or anything. it’s about men’s perception of women #specifically predatory men and men who don’t realize they’re BEING predatory #perhaps it’s because I’ve been going to this fucking gamer school for far too long #and I’ve interacted with so many socially inept/incel men from there #who don’t know what no means or dont take women seriously when they do say no #or they literally cannot read between the lines of a woman politely declining their advances #‘but she was being so nice to me’ yeah bc if she wasn’t you’d either call her a bitch or try to force her anyway #anyway. I’m angry #im tired of living in fear of morons #I’m tired of not being able to go out on a Tuesday night and just walk the town with my friends #specifically my femme friends #we should be at the club!! instead we’re trying to make sure the group is like a school of fish so we’re less of a target #and like. I could talk about this on twt or reddit but. cmon. let’s be real here #MelloMoans #really does feel like we’re going backwards when it comes to gender equality and feminism #especially with the influx of the whole sigma male/high value male bullshit #I understand how it came to be I really do but that plus the whole pick me girl thing is just another toxic view of gender identity #and all it has resulted in on both sides is a wider degree of separation between the genders #therefore allowing both extremes to dehumanize every one that doesn’t identify as sigma male or not like other girls YET AGAIN #(and therefore also opens up the door for dehumanizing lgbtq+ folks but. let’s be real. that hasn’t really gone away yet :/

[selfshippinglover]

craving the touch of teeth on skin

#cicisays #hate being a bottom #just thinking about fangs being dragged across my throat is enough to get me going #the stinging and gnashing of teeth #groaning and shuddering #out of fear and anticipation #eyes stinging with hot tears as I gasp #call me ur little rabbit #eat me whole #or slowly #whatever you like #tell me how good i taste #the way red stains my fur only makes you hungrier #tell me you adore how i whimper and squirm #how your hands around my neck fills you up with heat #how the sounds of my bones breaking fills you with ectasy #lick at my wounds and pet me as i weep #run your hands over my bones so that i feel you in the very core of my being #i'm trying to let myself express my desires more whoops #its uh #its strange but good #not as bad as my brain always shamed me into thinking it was #but still an adjustement #at the same time #i don't halfass anything on feelings so now that I'm giving myself the room to feel it #i just wanna dive in headfirst #oh the poor little rabbit leaves himself open #what will happen when the wolves come out? #lmao jokes on you that's what i wanted

[asyipyip]

hold on everyone shut up im getting super emotional about jonathan sims

#tma #kara stop blogging #thinking about the web. thinking about how it was his first mark #and how that mark how that unaddressed trauma so deeply affected him. #and how befitting that is for the web too- to tie someone up its strands for YEARS #thinkin about how almost every single decision that man makes is made out of fear #that motherfucker has never felt safe in his god damn life you can tell and im EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT #thinking about how so much of his fear response is CONTROL because of it. His ridiculous skepticism was him trying to control it #if he denies it if he refuses to believe in it it cant hurt him #about his paranoia and desperation for knowledge is so rooted in that fear of losing control #about his entire s4 arc and grappling with becoming inhuman. about not feeling like he has any kind of personal autonomy #and how so often thats written off as him making excuses (and dont get me wrong- he makes excuses too. im not saying he doesnt) but also- #like you look at what happened with his first leitner and its like. he couldnt move. couldnt do anything to escape #and then when the other boy got taken he couldnt do anything to save him either #of course he feels like hes never had any control #of course hes desperate for knowledge- if he had only *known* what couldve happened then he couldve prevented it. #the survivors guilt is so deeply part of his character #and thats what makes jonah targeting him so fucking insidious and scary #he took his man who is already so terrified- put him in a situation where he was so out of his depth #knowing that his fear response would be to desperately try and figure out what was happening- to keep asking questions-- #pulling himself deeper into the eyes influence and easily turning it around and making it Jon's fault #as if Jon isn't trapped like everyone else- it's just his fear response is so fucking perfect for the role the eye needs him to play #and then it leads to the ultimate trauma of ripping control away from Jon and forcing him to do something so fucking horrible #something he would never in a million years CHOOSE TO DO #how he's so terrified of being made a pawn and he is. playing a game against elias where he couldn't even see the board #locking him out of his own body...forcing him to open the door. like. FUCK #I MEAN FUCK DUDE. PETER LITERALLY SAYS “HE GOT YOU” WHEN JON ASKED WHAT HIS 'PRIZE' WAS #LIKE SCRATCH THAT!!! FUCKING SCRATCH THAT!! he wasn't even a player he was a fucking PIECE in the game #GOD!!! #GOD!!!! free my boy he did nothing wrong (he did so many things wrong)

[roobylavender]

i think one of the things i want to do over break for funsies is like. rewatch every pak drama of the major contemporary writers nationally hailed as progressive (e.g., umera ahmed, farhat ishtiaq, sameera fazal, etc.) and see how many of the male leads i come out actually still liking. like i want to make an excel spreadsheet cataloguing every red flag that went under my radar as a kid. for science

#bc if we are being real. sooo many of these guys are nothing short of rancid #and while i get the point of a lot of these dramas is to show emotionally stunted men grow #idk how much tolerance i have for certain behaviors now like idk.. #tangentially this is also why complaints of saif from kuch ankahi Really amuse me #like ok so all of the most toxic and insecure men imaginable aren’t a problem for most pak drama fans #but a man who simply lacks agency and is maybe a bit cowardly bc his mother overimposes on him is horrible and unappealing.. #like i’m not saying people have to like him or have a crush on him by any means #but i think it’s weird people are blatantly ignoring he’s being used to comment on how mothers emasculate their sons and strip their agency #and how that doesn’t always translate to those sons being weird toxic alpha males but can simply make them cowardly and unable to stand up #for themselves. which yes. is totally worth criticizing. but it’s strange people think samiya is coddling him #simply bc she’s willing to ask him what he thinks when his mother does or says certain things #if she were coddling him she wouldn’t even bother worrying that he’s a pushover #but instead what she does is prompt him to slowly recognize that he has his own thoughts and feelings and that he can act on him #and that she’s not going to solve his problems for him bc he’s capable of solving them himself #and idk i think that is a narrative worth telling. and i am so willing to cut him slack for being a coward bc he’s the farthest thing from #a toxic alpha male. people have twisted him into being this horrible liar cheat etc for liking someone else prior to his marriage #despite the fact that we are literally being told and shown he’s forced into the marriage and his mom Knows he likes someone else and she #doesn’t care. saif cannot realistically say no without effectively running away and he’s incapable of that bc he fears his mother #he’s not a bad person. he’s just a coward. and his growth will entail that he becomes someone brave enough to take a stand for himself #and personally i am way more open than whatever shite we have in other dramas where it takes a saas abusing her bahu for her son to wake up #to be deleted

[aberooski]

Yellowcard really did just drop their first new music in 7 years and gave me one of the most Atticus-POV stormshipping coded choruses I have ever heard

#only reminding me of the cinematic glory of atticus being corrupted by darkness while chazz is corrupted by light like ryan S T O P 😭/pos #they really were the anime's light and darkness dragon all along 😭 #BUT ALSO CHAZZ REALLY WAS HIDING IN THE LIGHT BECAUSE HE OPENED HIMSELF UP TO THE LIGHT BECAUSE OF HIS FEAR OF INADEQUACY AND NEVER BEING #-ABLE TO DEFEAT JADEN AND ALL THAT LIKE SARTORIUS BASICALLY GOT HIM TO CONSENT TO BEING TAKEN OVER IN A WAY BECAUSE OF HIS FEARS AND SUCH #BUT ATTY NEVER WANTED ANY OF THIS SHIT HE ACTIVELY RESISTS DARKNESS ALL THE FUCKING TIME EVEN WHEN HE CHOOSES TO USE THE POWER LATER ON #ATTICUS HAS BEEN TRYING TO PULL HIMSELF OUT OF DARKNESS AND OUT OF NIGHTSHROUD'S CONTROL AND INFLUENCE FOR SO LONG #AAAAAAA RYAN WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME #yugioh gx #atticus rhodes #chazz princeton #stormshipping #abby's just rambling don't mind her #abby's in her unhinged era #the song is on their new EP ''Childhood Eyes'' and is aptly titled ''Hiding In The Light'' in case anyone wanted to know aksksk #honestly the entire song is so stormshipping coded but that chorus just HITS #threw that song into my stormshipping playlist IMMEDIATELY

[meetthesoldier]

do they know about the intricacies of dave millers bpd coding

#ds@f fandom please. plaease open your eyeballs #like everything he has ever done or said is a bpd symptom #the insecure sense of self. the lack of care for when shes endangering himself. the overwhelming attachment he gets for henry and jack #the being hypersensitive to any perceived rejection and immediately going from loving to hating jack over it (splitting) #the intense fear of abandonment likely sparked from either (or both) growing up with absolutely nobody to rely on or henry just like... #straight up abandoning dave in a freddys establishment (iirc) #also throughout the games upholding jack on the highest pillar possible and hating or not caring about anyone else at all #plus shes purple and all purple characters are bpd (j) #theres also the very personal aspects to it i could talk abt but... yk... personal #actually i also think a lot abt how davetrap was wandering around alone in freddys establishments for like 40 years in conjunction w henry #having previously left her in a similar situation . this thing has ptsd #hymn.txt

[spectrum-color]

Fitz and the Fool (and possibly the ghost of Nighteyes?) finally did a full Skill merging. The most amazing thing is that Fitz was the one who initiated it so he could heal the Fool for good and ensure that he survives

#rote readthrough #realm of the elderings #rote #fitzchivalry farseeer #the fool #fitzloved #he was always the one who resisted it #and who feared opening himself up to someone else that fully #but his walls have come down #fitz and the fool spoilers