#but about the failure (real or perceived) to be the person he thought he was

[teejaystumbles]

Against all odds (part 2)

Part 1

Dream unmakes the latest nightmare he's been working on for the umpteenth time and heaves a humiliatingly human sigh of relief when the glass dissolves back into sand again. This is not working. Perhaps confronting his fear head on is not a good idea.  Instead of continuing his work he casts out his awareness, looking for a certain someone.

Hob Gadling is not currently asleep, but he seems to be daydreaming quite a lot. As much as Dream tries not to pry he can’t help but curiously skim over his friend’s imaginings. Has Hob read Dream’s journal entry yet? How has he reacted to it? Dream is prepared for resentment, disgust even, for Dream’s failure to meet with Hob, and his flimsy excuses. What he perceives instead are snatches of misty, rainy skies that blanket a multitude of wistful and fragile thoughts Dream does not dare look closer at. Hob seems to be lost in nostalgic memories, both sad and fond.  The lack of rage or hurt makes Dream relax a fraction. Later, when Hob sleeps, he will visit his friend’s lodging again to try and see if he has written an answer to Dream’s entry.

-

Dream steps out of the shadows of Hob’s curtains and gazes at the sleeping man. This time Hob has put on appropriate sleepwear and has pulled the blankets over himself. His sleep is restless, his dreams having a certain sense of urgency Dream can feel, but he does not intend to be here long.

He steps up to the desk and looks at the notebook. It lies open again, pen by its side, as if in invitation. Pulse thrumming with excitement, Dream eagerly bends over the pages to read the newly added words.

June 8th, 1989

Dearest stranger, my friend! 

I can't believe I am allowed to call you that! Let me tell you that I nearly fainted when I found your message in my notebook this morning. I've read the words you've written a hundred times by now and still I almost can't believe them to be real. I can’t believe I’m touching the pen you must have held, that I missed your presence in my room

As devastated as I was after you didn't come yesterday, as happy am I that you chose to contact me after at all.

I'm quite embarrassed about my drunken ramblings that you must have read. There's no lie in them, but I would try and put the truth into less desperate words if I could. I must seem like a fool, fixating on you like this, after all we've only met six times so far. Still, what I wrote, that you are my one constant in life, is nothing but the truth. Our meetings are fixed points in time that I measure this immortal life of mine by now. I try not to, but meeting with you has often felt like the start and finish of an era of Hob Gadling, despite it being probably more in the middle of several. Every centennial meeting with you was the most important appointment that I would plan and prepare for (as best as I could) for months, sometimes years. So if writing to you like this is the only way I get to speak to you then I will gladly take it, and thank you for it. 

But make no mistake, dear stranger - I would love to see you again and I hope you will be ready and willing to meet me in person again someday. Because

Dream stops reading to collect himself for a moment. Hob is not angry at him. He still wants to meet Dream, in fact eagerly awaits him. Dream feels himself flush with strange longing and can’t help a rush of power escaping him, the equivalent of a shudder, of goosebumps. A mistake, he realises, as he hears a sudden gasp come from behind him.

He freezes.

“My friend? Is that you?”

The urge to not acknowledge Hob and simply disappear is so strong that Dream feels his form already dispersing. Hob’s desperate tone of voice, cracking at the end, stops him.

“Please wait! Please…”

Dream waits, frozen, unable to turn around and face his friend. His form is trembling, rattling, whisping around him like smoke and Hob makes a keening noise.

“You don’t have to- I won’t-”

A sigh, a calming intake of breath.

“Look. I don’t want to pressure you, and if you want to leave I obviously cannot stop you. But…maybe. We can talk? A bit?”

He sounds so hopeful, so sincere, it tugs at something inside Dream and makes him shut his eyes. Hob has not moved from where he sat up in bed but Dream can feel his restlessness, his daydreams of reaching out, of hugging Dream-

“There’s- there’s phones now, you know? You don’t have to look at me at all, we could talk no matter where you are, it’s amazing really-”

“Hob.”

The man immediately stops talking and Dream draws in a deliberate breath before turning around to face him. Strange, how such human mannerisms help him calm down now. After his imprisonment, the act of breathing feels like a luxury to him, a comfort all in its own.

Hob gasps again when he looks at him and Dream wonders what he sees. The man swallows heavily and his fingers nervously grip his bedding. His eyes are red-rimmed and Dream can see tears gathering at the edges, in the tiny wrinkles created by a life full of laughter. The wrinkles deepen as Hob breaks into a grin.

“Hello, old stranger. You’re a sight for sore eyes.”

Dream very much doubts that. He knows he still looks emaciated, despite all the power returned to him. His form echoes the unease he still feels a lot of the time. He is closer to a nightmare than a dream. Yet Hob seems to genuinely delight in seeing him and Dream feels himself flush with warmth, and embarrassment.

“I- it is good to see you, Hob. Apologies, for not-”

“Accepted. Forgiven. Forgotten,” Hob interrupts him eagerly, “You’re here now.”

“I am...”

He is, and he feels at a complete loss for words. Hob cocks his head slightly, his expression sobering.

“But you were rather…not…?” he asks with a small frown. Dream twitches, caught out. Why it is that this human can see through him so easily he will never understand. It is slightly…terrifying.

Hob looks at his hands gripping his blanket and says quietly, “Look, if talking isn’t- if you’d rather continue the writing, that’s fine. I will accept that. I-”

He stops and Dream can see him grind his teeth. He still feels unable to respond, caught in watching Hob Gadling go through several inexplicable emotions. Then he breathes harshly through his nose and looks back at Dream with a tense but genuine smile.

“I don’t know what happened to you, but I know something did. You wrote as much, and I can see it in your face. The last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable. So if it’s me-”

He swallows again and blinks rapidly, like he’s trying to hold back tears and Dream takes an involuntary step forward.

“It is not. You. Hob. It’s…”

Dream subsides, again unsure how to voice his insecurities, unbecoming as they are of one such as him. 

But Hob does not know what you are, a small voice whispers inside his head and Dream shivers. 

Hob does not know who he is. Has Dream not confessed that that is exactly why he enjoys the man’s company so much? Without knowledge of Dream’s power and function, Hob will not judge him for being…frightened. Of tight spaces. Of glass. Of people. He will only see his friend, in need of comfort.

Dream suddenly wants nothing more than to let Hob comfort him, knowing that the man before him, with his eyes full of hope and tenderness, would not send him away. He can finally speak.

“My friend. I have tried to work through some issues I have…accumulated over the last century, due to very. Unfortunate events. Yet exposing myself to these uncomfortable sensations again…has not had the therapeutic effect I wished for. I am at a loss how to overcome my reluctance to…mingle. Once again.”

Hob looks wide-eyed at him, frowning again. “Wait. Are you saying. You tried to treat yourself with exposure therapy? To what, exactly? If I may ask,” he adds hastily.

Dream shifts nervously.

“...Claustrophobia. Among other things.”

“Jesus,” Hob gasps and wipes a hand over his face, “yeah, I don’t know if, I don’t know, shutting yourself in is really helpful with that. How fast have you been taking things? Have you tried being in larger rooms first, or…” he trails off and looks around his bedroom.

“Are you fine in here? Do you need me to open a door or window?”

Dream is perplexed. Instead of asking what happened Hob’s immediate concern is for his comfort in the current situation. He relaxes a fraction at the realisation that he made the right choice. His friend will not judge him for his weakness.

With a small smile he says, “No. I am alright. Your rooms are. Not uncomfortable to me.”

Hob almost glows at his words and also relaxes a bit. Dream has basically admitted to feeling safe in Hob’s presence and clearly the man has understood that immediately. He is a lot smarter than Dream ever gave him credit for. Hob Gadling has learned a lot about people in his life, it seems. Even if Dream is not exactly people, his current troubles are very human, he supposes.

He sees the moment it hits Hob, when he puts two and two together and realises what Dream has been telling him.

“You said, issues you’ve accumulated…over the last century. Which means, you weren’t claustrophobic before- my friend,” he exclaims and scoots closer to the edge of the bed as if barely holding himself back from approaching Dream.

“What happened? Can you- would you-” Hob asks, his voice trembling a bit, his eyes wide. “Tell me? Please? I want to help,” he says in a very small voice that makes Dream again feel sorry for how he treated his friend in the past. He looks at the notebook, contemplating.

“It is. Hard for me, to speak about these things. Maybe…I can borrow this book? To-”

“Yes! Absolutely! Take it! Sorry, I mean, please, feel free to write to me, I would be delighted. If it makes it easier for you to talk about things…I understand,” Hob says, nodding vigorously. Then he hesitates.

“Does this mean…we won’t see each other again? Until 2089?”

He looks so openly horrified and sad at the idea that Dream immediately dismisses any thoughts he had of saying goodbye for a hundred years once more. In truth, he does not think he would have managed it himself. Writing to Hob is preferable when it comes to confessing what happened to him, but Dream has to admit to himself that he has missed seeing his friend, and he has not looked his fill.

“No. I would like to meet you again. Earlier. I am not sure when, but…I wish to. Introduce myself. After I have given you a more detailed account of my century. I would also like to listen to your own tales. In person.”

Hob beams at him and nods.

“Yeah, I’d love that. My friend,” he says, taking a steadying breath, “I am so very happy to see you. I hope you know that you coming back to talk to me, or write to me, means everything to me. Because I do not take our friendship for granted. Far from it. It is…very precious to me.” He swallows heavily and his smile wobbles a bit. Dream nods awkwardly, feeling embarrassed by the way Hob’s words make shadowy, star-speckled butterflies escape from the back of his coat. He hopes Hob doesn’t see them.

“I…yes. Thank you, Hob,” Dream says awkwardly and then takes the book from the desk. He carefully tucks it into his coat and turns to leave. He looks one last time at his friend, taking in his sleep-mussed dark hair and his gentle smile and feels again a strange pang of longing in his chest.

“Take all the time you need,” Hob says softly, and Dream knows he means it; means that he will be waiting for Dream, no matter how long it takes. Dream can only nod silently again and then, with more reluctance than he would like, leaves Hob Gadling’s bedroom behind.

Part 3

#dreamling #the sandman fanfiction #teejay writes #1989 au

[transmutationisms]

thoughts on adhd diagonsis and the rising numbers of it? heard a couple different theories, including a school therapist saying that he thinks children are just getting misdiagnosed because they’re cutting recess times, but interested in your thoughts! lol

yea i talked about this a bit here but i would add for clarity:

this kind of narrative of 'rising rates of' [any dsm diagnosis, in this case adhd] is kind of misleading on the surface because these numbers, and cultural and medical attitudes toward these labels, vary widely. matthew smith gives a very abridged introduction to varying attitudes toward adhd globally, and points out that countries that have 'embraced' the adhd diagnosis and its corresponding drug treatments tend to be countries where pharma companies have pushed to expand their market for these drugs, and have been able to succeed in partnering up with local and regional medical guilds and practitioners' professional interests. which is to say that any 'rise' in 'adhd' should be interpreted with an eye to material factors, meaning, specifically, profit-seeking and broader patterns of imperialism and global market expansion.

none of this is to say that the impairments people experience in adhd are any less real, debilitating, or distressing. however, when we ask about those impairments becoming more widespread or severe, often the conversation becomes rapidly re-routed to cover only a narrative of individual cognitive or neurological 'failures' constituting a distinct 'disorder'. elided from this framing is the idea that an impairment of this sort arises not just from the individual's brain-mind-body, but from the extent to which that person is being accommodated by their social context, specifically demands for productivity, sustained attention, &c in the home / school / workplace.

the core research methodologies & data interpretation in the psy-sciences embed social valences into neuro-psychological investigations, heightening the perceived contrast between, eg, 'normal' and 'adhd' brains / neurotypes / &c. susan hawthorne points out that this is a powerful feedback loop: social values are embedded in the scientific investigations, the results of which are then of further social interest, and together social and scientific values tend to converge, mutually reinforce one another, and strengthen the ideas and data interpretations supporting the concept of a discrete, pharmacologically actionable, transhistorical and cross-societal brain disorder.

i truly cannot overstate the extent to which it matters that when ritalin arrived on the us market in 1955, psychiatric diagnosis of and pharmacological prescription for children's behaviours were in a very different state to how they are today. it is quite common (in psychiatry but also in other branches of medicine!) that diagnostic definitions and categories change, or even come into existence altogether, at the behest of pharmaceutical companies who need a diagnostic label in order to ensure insurance coverage for patients interested in taking their patented drugs. this combined with marketing direct to patients, and paid promotion to physicians, is a critical piece of the history of the adhd diagnosis.

because i always feel the need to make this crystal-clear: i do not oppose or object to people seeking or using stimulant medications lol. i <3 stimulants. that's not what this is about. i want you and me both to be able to use white-market amphetamines whenever we damn well please and you don't need to justify that on any moral or medical grounds. xx

#adhd #psychiatry

[angelzofdecay]

Aftermath Blade x gn reader

Summary: after a mission goes horribly wrong you run to the only person you believe can comfort you. CW: cursing, violence, ptsd, blood, fluff, blade is gentle, ps he's only doing this bc it's you, hurt with comfort, happy ending. AN: I can't get this man out of my head so here's a short but sweet oneshot. I head canon that he's a mix of tsundere and yandere so that is totally reflecting in my writing.

As a trailblazer, you had encountered many monstrous beings before. However, this particular encounter felt different. The assignment was initially planned to be a simple one, but upon your arrival, the level of the curse suddenly transfigured to a huge fucking problem.

The creature's physical appearance was almost human-like, except for its nearly translucent skin and intricate armor adorning its body. Its muscular build was cloaked in an aura of immense power, making any attempt to replicate it seem futile. The sheer energy emanating from the beast was so intense that you found yourself trembling on your knees as you tried to stand firm. You completely forgot about the newbie who had tagged along with you. 

Neither of you were prepared for this at fucking all.

It blitzed towards you with insane force, leaving you with scarcely any time to protect yourself before being hurled through three solid walls. The intense agony rippled through every fiber of your being, almost rendering you immobile in its wake. It was at this moment, right before its fist went through your skull, your temporary teammate sprang into action, jumping in to save your life. 

You could make out the sounds of a blood curdling scream, bones breaking, and a powerful technique being released. It all felt miles away yet deafening at the same time. As your body was writhing in pain, you could feel your adrenaline surging, propelling you into action. Finally, with a sudden burst of energy, you managed to strike the final and fatal blow. But alas, it was too little too late to protect the life of Yukine...

The car ride back home began with a heavy silence. There was no conversation to be had, no words exchanged between the driver and yourself. Maybe the reason for the lack of communication was the fact that your throat was sore from crying or screaming, but in reality, it was just you. Your mind was in turmoil, unable to comprehend or articulate anything. The only thing it could focus on was replaying the events from earlier, over and over again. You felt a sense of terror grip you like never before - it was a fear so real and so palpable that it consumed your thoughts entirely, leaving little room for anything else.

Blade

Blade, patiently waiting for your return at home. Would he scoff at your perceived weaknesses or worse, abandon you entirely for your poor actions? You couldn’t help but painstakingly wonder what his reaction will be to the news that you failed to save someone's life today. In failing to do your job, to be strong, you let down not only yourself, but the one you cherished deeply. As a trailblazer, you know all too well how unforgiving this world can be, especially towards those who falter in their duties. But how would Blade treat your failures…

The car came to a screeching halt as you arrived at his home, your home. “Miss, I really recommend you go and see a doctor…” His plea fell on deaf ears as you stepped out of the car. You kept your head low as you reached the doorstep… What were you going to do when he opened it? 

You knocked once, twice, three times before your hand fell limp at your side. The sounds of his shoes pattering against the floor caught your attention. Each heavy and calculating step made your heart jump. The creaking sound of the door being opened, the light illuminating from the entrance, and the confused look on his face when he gazed at you sent you into a frenzy. 

“What the hell happened?” Tears began to pour from your eyes, you stumbled forward reaching for any type of solace. “I-I-m sorry” you hiccupped through sobs as you profusely apologized for how badly this assignment went. You practically fell into his arms, the warmth radiating off of his body enveloping you. One of his large hands reached up to run his fingers through your disheveled hair. 

“It’s alright, I’m gonna get you fixed up.” His face remained frozen in an unbothered expression; lips stuck in a thin line. If only you could see the shock and hurt in his eyes you would know he cared. Comforting another person was not his forte. Nor was he very good at taking care of another life besides his own… But he knew what it was like to fail, to lose, and to believe there was no coming back from it. Blade did what he assumed any person would do, he took care of you. 

He lifted you from the floor with ease, carrying you bridal style to your destination. The restroom, you desperately needed a bath. You couldn’t process him delicately undressing you or eyes only temporarily lingering on the delicate parts. You could hear the water running and his feet shuffling but the noise in your mind blurred it all. How many times must you relive it before you could have peace?

Blade gently washed the dried blood from your hair. His long fingers running through the knots and lathering them with soap. His moves were far more delicate when he scrubbed the blood from the rest of you, carefully avoiding intimate parts. The water was quickly turning a dark brown, but the smell was graciously covered by jasmine scented body wash. Throughout the entire bath you did not look at him, you did not move. You were still frozen in time, still stuck in that place. 

He adorned your body in the softest silk robe you had ever felt… Definitely out of both of your pay grades. Blade sat you on the edge of the toilet, getting on his knees so he could do his work. It’s important to note he never gets on his knees. He meticulously searched your skin for any wounds, glancing up at you to search for any sign of discomfort. 

He wasn’t a natural healer by nature, but he had his fair share of injuries. Any cut that remained was rubbed with medicinal lotion and wrapped so it wouldn’t get infected. He took his time with each injury, ensuring your comfort above all. It was odd, in all the time he’s known you there was never a situation where you were this quiet. And yet, it was the most comfortable silence of his life. 

There was no way in hell you were going to be able to eat tonight. He knew that the sight of anything edible would probably cause you to empty the rest of your stomach contents on his floor. He opted to immediately take you to bed and pray a good night's rest would fix you… Though he doubted you would be capable of sleeping after that. 

It was surprising, the way he gently laid you down and tucked you in. You were enjoying every second of the attention though you didn’t show it. His presence was fighting against your thoughts and forcing them away. You had a single moment of clarity when he turned to leave. 

“Stay…”

“Please.”

You grasped his wrist, pleading with your eyes. Blade appeared far more shocked than you imagined. This was the most expressive face he’s had since you met. He took a moment to process, to ponder, before he made his choice. “Move over.” 

He slid under the covers next to you, pulling your arms so they wrapped around him, and you were firmly pressed under his chin. His heartbeat, his breath, his warmth, everything about him was lulling you into a sense of ease. You raised your head to admire him just once, carefully gazing at every detail and embedding it into your brain permanently. 

His lips curved slightly, in an almost unnoticeable smirk. Then the other most unexpected thing happened that day… Blade gently pressed a kiss to your temple. His soft lips blessing you with their touch. “You’ll be okay, I got you.” 

#honkai star rail #honkai star rail x reader #honkai star rail imagines #blade x you #blade x reader

[hotwheelschili]

Sainz Sr has always rubbed me the wrong way, maybe not like Jos Verstappen levels of ick, but pretty up there… that mentality he taught Carlos from the young age that he has to toughen up if he wants to succeed, I can’t imagine saying to my kid that he can’t be himself and be successful at the same time. And sure, maybe this mentality is right for the sport, but it seems like it’s not right for Carlos as a person which in turn affects him as an athlete because he’s afraid to disappoint his father or embarrass their family name so he has to play up the ‘tough’ act. Idk. My perception is that he’s just different than his dad but he’s been molded into someone else his whole life so there’s a big conflict inside of him. His dad needs to step away from managing Carlos’ career me thinks, I feel like that would bring Carlos at least some peace

I wanna relate the ‘toughen up’ with the way he acts around people, he’s so constructed around patriarcal masculinity that being soft around people is weak and so he has to masc his affection by being rough (ie. his way of showing affection is physical touch but feminine! So I’ll hit and shove and throw you around bc I’m a man and I’m supposed to be rough)

It’s so obvious that senior is the most important member of the sainz family, he’s a renowned sportsman plus I’m guessing he’s the responsible one for the family’s wealth and political power so everyone looks up to him as the leader and so being named Carlos, after him is such a big honor and you’re the only boy! So you have to carry on the legacy of the successful sainz family, so you have to live up to be as great and efficient and be a leader, be a shark, a force to be reckoned with, that’s what you father tells you since you are 6, and all the family around you telling you “you got to be as great as your father”. In a family with such conservative and patriarcal values there’s no room to make a mistake or even be mid, it’s glory or failure, and they won’t hesitate throwing at his face everything they have given him and his only job being to be the person they boast around in gatherings and events.

But Carlos, he’s soft, he show he cares, he doesn’t like putting people down, he never boasts about winning bc he can see that the real fun part was the activity and not the result, ofc he likes winning, everyone does but like with lando, when asked who wins at golf and saying ‘oh in the end we didn’t keep score’ or with charles in the challenges, whenever charles gets too competitive he always offers to share the points instead or recognizing his efforts out loud.

I think he does feel immense pressure of living to his dads standards, show him he can be as good as his dad expects him to be, a carlos sainz as good as carlos sainz and the spanish media have a whole cultural background approach to carlos that he has to be perceived as a tough, emotionless guy, he always sounds snarky and very masculine coded when talking to dazn, very matter of fact. With his country also expecting him to succeed like the other spaniard in the grid with 2 wdc.

I agree with you, if his dad stopped managing him I think he would be able to relax and craft his approach to the sport that he loves in a more personal way and not with his dads expectations but also financial and political interests looming over him.

This was very rambly and messy and the anthropological pov discourse possessed me for a little bit there.

If you have any more thoughts I’ll be happy to read them.

#I have so many thoughts about this man I’m about to pull up references and bibliography #carlos sainz #his relation with masculinity and family and political world that engulfs him #when boy just wants to vroom vroom in fast cars #like the fact that he would be just fine if he never got into f1 but he was made to enjoy his fathers passion to the point of it being his #whole life #uf! don’t get me started #alex answers #f1 #formula 1 #Carlos sainz JR

[veliseraptor]

I can't stop thinking about the Vegas and Kinn Body Swap AU. How well do you think Vegas and Kinn would be able to act as each other? I think Porsche and Pete would not be fooled for long, but would others notice? What do you think would be Vegas' biggest realization about Kinn's life and vice versa? I very much agree that this trope would make a very juicy fic because god these two are not normal about each other

they are so abnormal about each other and it's what I love so much about their dynamic. incapable of being at all rational when it comes to each other. they're pretty smart boys but 90% of it goes out the window when they have to deal with each other. it's so much fun and also awful.

I think that it would take at the very least some time to figure out how to act like each other, because despite the fact that they spend a lot of time observing each other, Vegas and Kinn's perspectives on each other are so skewed and filtered through their respective feelings about each other that I think they both perceive the other's behavior a little to the left of what it is in reality. specifically, I think they'd both be inclined to amp up the negative traits they see in the other person, basically performing the worst selves that they do kind of become around each other.

that being said, if this is pre-canon/during canon, which is when I personally would want to see this set, I don't know that anyone would identify their behavior as, like, suspiciously Vegas-like or suspiciously Kinn-like (respectively). I think it would just read as weird/like them having really bad days. depending on where in Porsche and Kinn's relationship we are, Porsche might feel betrayed/hurt by what feels like backsliding, but I don't think he'd necessarily immediately think not Kinn.

honestly part of their mutual problem is that they have a lot in common. if they were a little less alike they might get on better. probably not because the family dynamics prohibit it, but at least it wouldn't be quite as much an immediate personality clash.

as far as biggest realizations...for Kinn it would definitely be less about things he doesn't know so much as...experiencing them in a more personal way. like, I figure the fact that Gun is physically abusive is not a secret secret (I think Korn knows, at the very least, though based on Pete's reaction definitely not general knowledge). I think Kinn has probably at least heard rumors. that's still different from experiencing a parent who is both physically and emotionally abusive on a personal level, directed at you, with all the accompanying rhetoric about it being about how he (Vegas) is such a failure compared to...himself (Kinn). and then also things like Vegas's relationship with Macau (which is very different from Kinn's relationship to his own brothers in ways that are interesting to me), and in general what it feels like to be in a position that's simultaneously familiar privilege and also...not that. it's perspective, at the very least. though I don't think Kinn enjoys it. and the shit about Vegas's dad is particularly hard to reckon with and know what to do with.

I can imagine Kinn actually going to his dad about it (as Vegas), thinking he's being helpful, and Korn giving absolutely useless "advice," pretending to be sympathetic but Kinn can tell it's not real, and that makes him feel kind of crazy, and then it makes him wonder if Vegas ever actually did look for help from anyone and what happened, and he doesn't like this at all. >:(

for Vegas...I don't think it would be as clean as "Kinn's life is harder than I thought it would be"; I think for him it would be about Kinn's relationship with Korn and recognizing that Korn is manipulating Kinn. I think Vegas has always perceived that relationship as the opposite of his with his dad (Kinn is trusted, Kinn's failures are tolerated, Kinn is loved without having to do anything to earn it), but because of his, shall we say, intimate experience with more blatant bad faith dad actors, he's more keyed to recognize Korn's bullshit for the bullshit it is. and that's...weird to realize, and also makes him wonder if Kinn knows, and maybe he doesn't, and Vegas is edging dangerously close to "the younger generation is being fucked up by the older generation collectively, it's not just an axis of major v. minor, maybe there is room for solidarity here" though I don't think he's getting there very fast.

#conversating #anonymous #aggressively headcanons #vegas theerapanyakul #kinn theerapanyakul #kinnporsche #i love them <3 and their fucked up selves <3

[roniarose]

Guardians 3 thought dump

Aaaah i actually liked an MCU movie for once

The Guardians were kind of the perfect team to go up against that type of villain, a team thats taken two movies to learn and are still in some ways learning that their differences and flaws are what makes them a family, up against someone who sees those flaws as a failure to be discarded. All of the Guardians spend a lot of time across all three films trying to escape how others view them, so this antagonist really feels like the perfect choice to culminate the trilogy

Also man the russos took a fat wet shit all over gamoras arc and james gunn still managed to salvage it and make it work, I was fucking terrified the whole movie that they were gonna end up together when thats literally impossible with this gamora, But gamora calls out quill immediately in this, and tells him thats shes not that person he so desperately wants. Peter still at least has the arc that he was meant to have regardless of gamoras fridging, where he needed to realize that hes projecting what he needs from other people onto those people, especially gamora. The movie still hints that they COULD end up being together, they just both need to spend time becoming more actualized versions of themselves. And peter needs to resolve more of his emotional baggage and sexism.

Its funny because from the way 2 ended its really obvious that gunn had planned for them to be together in 3 but that basically got ruined when she got tossed into the infinity stone pit. :/ i’m glad gunn was smart enough to realize that trying to redo 2 movies worth of relationship buildup across one movie was a bad idea

Lets see what else

Oh, hey Nathan fillion, long time no see! I’m glad you finally got to be in a story about a ragtag found family in space that didn’t end up getting canned, and i think the fight you did in the building that looked like a middle school science textbook illustration rocked, 10/10 keep rocking the Michelin man fit

I like that Adam Warlock is a big dumb idiot man that carries a pet around and listens to king crimson because its super obvious gunn had no clue what to do with him but had to have him there because the mcu continues to be an ever expanding nightmare mess. 10/10 no notes

Obviously the i am groot reveal was cute, and also a kind of cycle break that didn’t feel forced or like it had extra gravitas added to it, the reveal that the audience is part of the family now just gets to be a simple little moment

I love that nebula gets to be relatively more relaxed in this movie on the whole, she honestly deserves it, let her sip her lil sodie pop.

I loved Draxs lil dad moment in the third act as well, and how it ends up forcing nebula to learn that emotional intelligence is just as vital to have a practical intelligence. Up until that point she really underestimated him and a lot of the rest of the team because she had been taught by thanos a lot of the same things our villain believed, that theres only one kind of way to be, and that only perfection and results matter. She ends up learning through the guardians and drax that we each of our own individual strengths and perceived flaws, and that real perfection is in the culmination of those forces in our lives. I thought it was nice :)

The last thing i can think of is that I liked how a series defined musically by track from the 70’s and 80’s ends off with a track from the 2000’s. A way of communicating subtly our characters aren’t trapped in their past anymore. Great stuff

Anyways thats what i got atm, if you stumbled on this and are wanting more mcu stuff, sorry to disappoint, this is prolly the last mcu thing i’m checking in for unless something reveals itself to be more interesting in the future. I wanna try and talk more about other things tho, so maybe you will like those posts!

Testing this out

#guardians 3 #guardians of the galaxy #rocket raccoon #gamora #guardians spoilers #guardians 3 spoilers #RoniaRose

[isleofair]

Ten faves in ten fandoms

I was tagged by @saltedpin: thank you so much!!! 💙💙💙 (This took me way longer to put together than I thought, wow)

Tiger & Bunny - Nathan Seymour (aka Fire Emblem) What can I say about Nathan. She's my ultimate blorbo, despite being pretty much the opposite of the kind of character I usually fixate on. They're a successful, ultra-rich business owner but also the mom friend of the group; a wonderful mix of (literally) fiery fierceness and soft sensitivity; a big, phoenix-themed peacock with the heart of a small, cuddly lovebird. I love her to death. 💖 (Honorable mention to her future husband Buddy hero, Keith Goodman, aka Sky High, aka literally the bestest guy EVER.)

Star Trek: TNG - Data This guy was sort of a blueprint for my childhood weirdness. I live for characters who are supposedly non-human, but are actually the most human of them all; and Data, for all that he was vastly stronger, faster, and smarter (at least logically) than all of his friends, had a gentleness to him that made you forget about that pretty much all of the time. I've been wanting to hug him for about 35 years.

Yūri!!! on Ice - Yuuri When I started watching the show, I thought Victor would be my favorite, but when I began to truly understand Yuuri's character, there was no going back. He's so astonishingly real in the way he perceives himself as an utter failure while actually being amazing and very successful. He manages to give me a glimmer of hope, at least sometimes, that maybe I might manage, with some effort, to not be quite as much of an absolute disaster as I fear.

The Lord of the Rings - Faramir If I had to sum Faramir up in a word, it would be unassuming. He's constantly treated (mostly by his father, but also by part of the narrative) as someone who's an afterthought, a second best, a spare; all this in spite of being incredibly smart, and learned, and competent, and kind. He's just... really lovely, and although he ends up with Éowyn as sort of (again) a second choice after Aragorn, I say: Éowyn, my beloved badass, you kind of won the lottery there.

Anime Sanjūshi - Aramis (Yes, Italy apparently got ALL of the anime back in the '80s, lol.) This anime adaptation of The Three Musketeers takes quite a few creative liberties with the story, and one of them is making Aramis a woman in disguise. She kicks just as much ass as any of her companions (most of whom never find out her secret), and at the end, after completing the personal, romance-related quest she joined the Musketeers for, she... keeps her male disguise and her job, presumably forever. A+, no notes.

Stargate: Atlantis - John Sheppard One of the very few "military jock, ace pilot, dude with a big gun" protagonists I've ever liked, mostly due to the fact that Sheppard is technically all of the above things, but really he's just as much of a geeky, socially inept loser as the scientists he was hired to bodyguard, cosplaying as the jock with a gun because he really loves the "piloting things that fly really fast" part. Add in a self-sacrificial streak about a galaxy wide, and I was sold.

Sailor Moon - Haruka Tenō, aka Sailor Uranus 13-year-old me saw Haruka and fully went "man, I want to be her!" And then, many years later, I realized that I had also probably been wanting her, period. 😅 The anime got censored to hell and back, of course, but I'm the kind of person who takes things I'm told at face value, so I saw her being incredibly dramatic and jealous and infatuated and totally willing to die for her "best friend" and went "yeah, I guess that checks out". I still vaguely thought that she would make the perfect "boyfriend", as she was the coolest person ever, lol.

The Adventure Zone: Balance - Taako I still can't believe a podcast that started out as essentially "how many dick jokes can we fit into 60-90 minutes of butchering the rules of D&D" ended up being one of the most significant pieces of media in my life, but hey, to quote Taako himself, "It’s not all abraca-fuck-you and what have you. I have a beating heart! I’m multi-dimensional! I’m a fully-realized creation! FUCK!" Taako's vulnerability is hidden under MANY layers, but when it comes out, it hits straight to the heart.

Yūki Bakuhatsu Bang Bravern - Lewis Smith I'm throwing my most recent fandom in here, because why not. Smith (yeah, I know) is an apparently extremely stereotypical "American Pilot Guy" character (don't look him up, because the show is best experienced without spoilers, but I promise you, he looks just like he could be Keith Goodman's twin), but in a show that is always at least three genres at once, in very varying degrees of seriousness, he ends up being one of the most genre-aware characters of all, with... interesting consequences.

Good Omens (TV) - Crowley This one is interesting because in the book, my favorite character was always, very clearly and very firmly, Aziraphale. And then the tv show happened, and yeah, I'm not immune to the David Tennant Effect, by any means, but... You know that post that's been going around, that says something vaguely like "the best trait a male character can have is being pathetically in love with someone"? Well. Crowley is not a male character, but in the show he embodies pining. Pining pours out of each and every one of his probably non-existent pores 24/7, non-stop, for millennia. And I... kind of like pining. A reasonable amount. It's fiiiiiiiiiiiine.

I am tagging YOU! 🫵 But only if you want to play, of course! 😂💙

#tag game

[shoechoe]

After thinking about Purple Haze Feedback a little more, I think the story's main overarching theme is the idea of self-destruction. One of Fugo's main senses of inner turmoil comes from his guilt and regret over not joining Bruno on the boat, a decision that came entirely from his own (perceived) mental weaknesses; because of that, his comrades went and died without him, and he feels as though he has set himself back in a way that he can never fully recover from. Throughout the story, he struggles with the idea that he's not strong enough to overcome his own flaws, and that it'll lead to his inevitable failure- his blinding anger being the most obvious representation of this.

It's frequently brought up that Purple Haze is a double-edged sword of an ability. It can instantly eviscerate any enemy, but it's volatile and nobody is safe from it- including Fugo himself. He has to walk a fine line between getting Purple Haze within range of his enemy while avoiding the virus himself so he doesn't get brutally killed by his own stand. It's pointed out that most people with an ability like Fugo's likely would've died as soon as they first used it. His Stand literally represents what Fugo feels about himself; similar to him senselessly beating his professor with a dictionary and getting himself expelled, his violent rage hurts himself just as much as it does the people around him.

The narcotics team that Fugo is assigned to defeat also follow this theme of self-destruction. Two of them have self-destructive tendencies themselves; Angelica is slowly dying due to her severe drug addiction and Vittorio is a chronic self-harmer that ends up dying from his own Stand by stabbing himself until it was too much for his body to take. The other two enable self-destruction; Kocaqi has the ability to utilize his enemy's own mental weaknesses against them by freezing their emotions and fleeting thoughts in place, and the main enemy Volpe creates the narcotics that Angelica and other addicts in Italy were sold the whole time.

As pointed out in Purple Haze Feedback, drugs not only harm the person using them, but also affects the people around them. The effects of drug addiction spread to the victim's family, their friends, and anybody in their vicinity. In other words, self-destruction doesn't only take yourself out, but it has the potential to harm others around you as well, just like Fugo's rage rendering him unsafe to be around in normal society, like how he hurts his comrades in his violent episodes even when he knows he doesn't want to hurt them, and how his perceived lack of courage ended with him being the only one not joining the others to betray the Boss and having his comrades die without him there.

In this way, Fugo being sent on a mission to defeat the narcotics team wasn't just a test of loyalty to Passione, but was a test to overcome his own weaknesses. He gained the courage and ability to fight for what he believes in that he didn't have before. Once he defeats Volpe and grows as a person, his Stand ends up changing as well; instead of devouring everything in sight, now it relies on Fugo using less brute force to defeat his opponent. When Fugo bites into one of his own virus capsules and survives, that was him overcoming his own potential for self-destruction.

Ultimately, though there were enemy Stand users trying to kill him, the real main conflict throughout the novel was if Fugo would end up destroying himself or not- I think that was kind of neat.

#shoe talks a lot #rambles #purple haze feedback #i did not talk about sheila and murolo but i think they fit into this too #fugo didn't join the others to betray the boss because he thought they needed the gang and can't survive on ideals alone #sheila on the other hand has a very strong sense of right and wrong and can't attack people who she sees as more ''right'' than her #murolo's stand divides damage he takes by 1/53 making him almost invulnerable #basically it's the opposite of the self-destructive nature of fugo's stand #drugs tw #addiction tw #self harm tw

[ouijaban]

TKB meta 2.0

Reflecting on my previous TKB meta, I feel like I phrased a lot of it poorly (both in terms of syntax and in terms of communicating what I intended to say), but I still think this is an element of TKB's character that often gets overlooked and I'd like to talk about it some more.

Like the post about Maat that I reblogged points out, TKB's central philosophy, which he explains to Atemu and co in Vol 32, is basically moral relativity. On a basic level, he's critiquing Atemu and the monarchy or claiming the moral high ground over him when they themselves are responsible for the creation of the Sennen Items and – of course – the Kul Elna massacre which made that possible.

In this scene, TKB is explaining why Diabound – his Ka – is a "God-type" rather than a "demon-type" to the priests, who are all shocked that someone who they perceive to be evil would be able to produce the Ka-type associate with 'goodness,' and by the Scale's failure to judge Bakura as evil. Prior to this particular panel, his thoughts have revealed to the reader a few things, namely – 1) the Sennen Items aren't holy items of good as they've been described by Akhenaden, 2) there's a shadow power lurking within them, and 3) TKB wants to obtain that power and use it for himself, to achieve his stated goal of getting revenge.

In the original manga, what TKB says here is 悪って何だ？てめえの正義に忠実ならそいつは善ってことになるんじゃねえのか… which basically corresponds to the official translation. In the simplest of possible terms, it essentially means, "If someone is loyal to your justice, then does that make them good?" The official translation expands upon this a little bit and emphasises the sarcastic undertone to what he's saying – obviously, TKB isn't legitimately asking if being faithful (another potential translation of the word 忠実, alongside devoted) to what the monarchy considers to be just makes him metaphysically good. Remember, this is relating back to him explaining why he has a God-type Ka and not a Demon-type, so the "good" he's talking about is very specifically the good vs. evil the priests were discussing previously. He elaborates on this at length later on.

Like I said in my first analysis, what Bakura is saying here is that objective justice among men doesn't exist. As many others have pointed out, he's arguing that the monarchy has no ground to stand on to call him evil when they themselves have carried out egregious crimes against his village for the sake of the Items. And yes, he's totally correct about that.

But, hold on, Bakura – if there is no objective morality, then how can the Sennen Items make that calculation? Personally, I would argue, as I did earlier, that it's the strength of the convictions rather than the convictions themselves that are important here. If the Sennen Items are the product of both immense good and immense evil, and that's a dichotomy that metaphysically exists, then they must be operating relatively – that is, they determine "goodness" or "evilness" based on what the holder themselves believes, which makes sense given what we've seen earlier in the series. This would mean that the stronger the user's conviction is, the stronger their Ka becomes. In a way, then, the Items are themselves microcosms of the system Bakura is critiquing.

Here lies the issue for me, though – Bakura's main aim is revenge, and not revolution. He's not a liberator (he actively causes civilians harm solely to lure Atemu out), nor is he seeking to effect any positive change, since after he exacts his revenge his plan is to become Pharaoh himself and, with the aid of the Items, rule the world. I still hold that even though Bakura thinks the monarchy is wrong, he doesn't think he's right, either, even though he mocks the priests with that claim – it's just that he knows what he wants and he knows who he has to kill to get it. "No honour among thieves" is a phrase that comes to mind when I think about it; because he believes there is no real determinable divide between "good" and "evil," he'll do whatever it takes to achieve his goal – a goal that serves him and only him.

I think that makes him a fascinating character, and speaks to the complicated moral inquests this arc makes. But I don't think that Bakura's moral relativity makes him "right." Justified, yes, but right...not so much.

#yami bakura #thief king bakura #yu gi oh #yugioh #ygo #meta #text #mine

[fursasaida]

takes on lefebvre?

oh god. my main take on Henri is that we are in a fight. I think he is simultaneously vastly overrated and wildly misunderstood, which I guess is just to say that I think everyone likes the wrong things and ignores the good things and, as ever, has paid insufficiently rigorous attention. a lot of the time I am at least as mad at Lefebvre's readers as I am at him. these opinions do not really come together to form a coherent thought or position (which is fitting, since his work doesn't either, BURN), so it is time for bullet points disconnected paragraphs because tumblr hit me with some kind of character limit. HEREIN: TAKES

you can read all of The Construction of Space and you will not come away being able to say, in a sentence or even a paragraph, what "social space" is. to be clear, there are lots of much more clear and usable things that can be described with that phrase, but those are not what he means by it. he means something else, which is ineffable. so in that basic sense of "I am going to show you that this thing exists and it's important," the book is a failure.

the book is--ok structured isn't really the word, but it is animated, maybe, by this sort of three-part schema he has about "perceived/conceived/lived" spaces, which maps onto "representational space/representation of space/lived space" (I can never keep straight which elements in these triads go with which). I think this is STUPID. it is INCOHERENT. it is taking a dynamic phenomenon and breaking it down into parts that do not make SENSE. any example you care to choose will be all these things at once, in ways that constantly feed into/back on one another and are simultaneously present. it's not just that I don't think it's helpful to cut it up this way, I find it actively obfuscatory. it makes me feel like I have aphasia. and he himself says the aim of this is to take it apart so as to put it back together again into a whole, but a whole that we understand better. well. ok. rip to you I guess but I'm different, because I find it much easier to understand by not taking it apart. I don't think these things are there in it in separable/distinguishable enough forms to be usefully anatomized apart in the first place. (like, it's like he's saying my leg is made up not of thigh, calf, and foot--intuitive components--but of half a pant leg and all but one hair and then also my two smallest toes. like, those things are INVOLVED, but they are not intuitive or useful ways of dividing it up, and none of them really makes sense on its own.) stop it. i'm spraying you with a water bottle.

HOWEVER. there is lots of stuff he has to say in among the parts dealing with this schema that I think is quite good. there is a very nice section on regionalization and how that happens in relation to capital. he is very interested in the role of time and historicity in the construction of space, something most of his readers seem to largely ignore as a conceptual rather than standardly empirical concern. most of his statements about this are not revelatory to me, but I think they are good and sturdy and usefully put.

(the problem with his thinking about time is that he is trying to make it fit with Einstein's relativity, but what he actually believes or wants to express about time + space is not really Einsteinian, and he doesn't quite understand that yet in The Production of Space, so he's sort of--dammed up.)

what he actually wants to say about time can be found in Rhythmanalysis, and it is generally really good except for the very last essay about "The Mediterranean City," which is intermittently orientalist trash. but I have real affection for Rhythmanalysis! it's a useful way of thinking and it's extremely beautifully written (slash translated). More On This Later

(oh my god that reminds me. the translator on The Production of Space absolutely fucking blows. I hate him personally. somebody please do a new translation so we can all stop paying him)

basically as long as Lefebvre doesn't try to squeeze whatever he's saying into The Schema, I think it's mostly fine. however he does suffer from French Philosophy Disease, namely Just Saying Shit. to wit:

there's a chapter in Production that claims to give a sort of deep history or genealogy of space (not the concept, the actual practice of its production) that I'm pretty sure is just like. not factual. in a lot of places. like in historically verifiable ways, if one did, you know, research. (this is based on some specific and serious inconsistencies with Stuart Elden's The Birth of Territory, which is exhaustively researched.) also in there is a riff on how your various unlettered peasants/herdsmen used to experience space in a completely immediate, embodied, lived way with no abstraction. an example of this is the association of leftwardness with evil, i.e. "sinister." I really hate to break it to everyone but that! is! an abstraction!

there's a section where he's trying to draw a contrast between a product (i.e. the result of mass production, something soulless and yucky) and a work (i.e. the result of organic growth and development, something noble and nice). leaving aside the crude moralism of this, one extended example he chooses to use of a "work" is plants. I distinctly recall reading this and wondering who neuralized this man to make him forget about the entire concept of agriculture.

I say "neuralized" (as in, he used to know and then he didn’t anymore) because I think a lot of my problems with Lefebvre other than the tripartite schema are related to, uh. well. basically I think his body of work is significantly influenced by his biography, especially the experience he had as a child of the modern French state "arriving" in his village and just completely transforming and destroying its way of life. I think he is a lot like Descartes actually in that his work has a deep neurosis to it. to quote myself from elsewhere:

I have to heretically note that Lefebvre reminds me of no one so much as Descartes. Not in the content of his arguments, to be sure; in the mood, the style, and my suspicion that part of my trouble with him is that he is extremely emotionally and politically committed to holding one thing apart as special and different from all else (everyday life, for Lefebvre; the mind, for Descartes). Maintaining this thing’s special status means it has to keep getting redefined as endlessly more elusive, limited, hidden, and this gets in the way of the arguments playing out.

you can see the above in how he talks about the modern buildings in the Paris city center as alien spaceships that landed out of nowhere, in how he first studied "the rural" intensively and then rejected it as "a waste of time" (fort-da, baybee!) in his obsession with an immediately embodied everyday life as liberatory. I do not believe there is or ever has been such a thing as the lived world without abstraction he spends so much time talking about; I also notice that this is common to a lot of scholarly theoretical writing since at least WWI, and so I see Lefebvre as kind of a special or extreme case of a common pathology. this pathology is to believe modernity's own propaganda about having invented abstraction and "objective knowledge" in the act of rejecting it, falling for it hard enough to actually imagine that once upon a time or in a faraway land people have really lived in a sort of paradise of perfect immediacy, a world whose experience has no extra air in it, no detachment. it's an all but literal Edenic fantasy. and so, relatedly: I really think this man on some deep level wants to go back to the womb. that is: to that childhood time before The State Came To Town. I recognize that this is essentializing and crude, but it is very consistent with a) frankly a lot of the history of how theories of space got to be the way they are and b) so much of his work. I find it kind of exhausting if I have to be immersed in it, but I'm not entirely without compassion for it.

another way to put this would be as follows. there is some very convincing (to me) research showing that across multiple cultures and religious traditions, what is meant by "a mystical experience" and similar is an experience of total immediacy, of feeling immersed and fully connected to the world or the universe or whatever you want to call it. while obviously degrees and types of alienation and detachment vary historically, I think it is probably kind of inherent to most people's phenomenological experience to feel varying degrees of "connectedness" or "disconnection" at different moments, different degrees of abstraction and immediacy. I think a lot of cerebral types are prone to viewing this as a problem that is unique to them, their age, their culture, or similar, and to imagine that other people (far away or long ago or sufficiently racially Other or all of the above) live in that immediate state all the time. this often looks like various kinds of romantic primitivism. but anyway, this is all to say that I see Lefebvre as a kind of a mystic, or someone who wants very badly to be. I like him best when he's inhabiting that role (which he does more in Rhythmanalysis) and least when he's trying to come up with scientific doctrines (like the schema in Production), because he's not very good at that. naturally the latter version is the one everybody thinks they're working with and overpraises.

speaking of which! the vast majority of people who say their work on "relational space" is "Lefebvrian" are lying. or like, they're not knowingly lying, probably, because they don't know any better. they have not read him, or not in years. they are referring to a sort of cod-reggae conception of what "Lefebvre" is that circulates among "critical geographers" and related discursive communities. all they really mean is that they are RADICAL and VAGUELY MARXIST, but they often have not actually thought that hard about space at all, nor have they worked through any of the alternatives to the impoverished versions of "relational space" and "absolute space" with which they position themselves. you can say anything you want and attribute it to The Production of Space and no one will stop you. this is all very distasteful.

related: people think when he says "absolute space" he means the same thing Newton meant. he in fact means the opposite. (the more Newtonian thing in his terms is "abstract space.") this is very funny to me.

ok I said more on Rhythmanalysis. here I have kind of the same experience but inverted. I think the main concept and its elaborations rule; I think some of the details are dumb. the concept works really well because it suits his mystical mode perfectly: it is about turning the self into a kind of sensing instrument, and tuning that sensor to notice in the right way. (there is a hilariously bad article where the authors try to work out what Lefebvre's view of ontology is on the basis of his sneering comments about epistemology, and it's like. babes. no. none of that. it's literally vibes!!! just like, very rigorously sensed ones that you then think about hard!!) the details get dumb in ways that are very easy to work around, at least for me. e.g.: in much the same way that I think a lot of people toss out references to art history without really stopping to think about them (formal perspective = absolute space = modernity and capitalism and bad! we hate it! sweetie have you ever actually spent time looking at a painting), I think Lefebvre borrows from music without really thinking things through. his tendency to posit sort of extreme ideal types as real bothers me in this context (e.g., the "isorhythm," which seems to be basically lockstep unison, simply is not what the state or capital or power does and is not attributable to a conductor, metaphorically, in the way he has it. sorry! it's not!). but I can just put that part aside and keep on thinking about polyrhythms, no problem. there is a community of people who have done really interesting things with rhythmanalysis as a method, which is something I'd like to get more into myself.

anyway so. to conclude. I sort of hate him and we're eternally in a fight but also I really hate everybody who doesn't understand my sworn enemy like I do. kate beaton nemesis dot jpeg

#hypokeimena #space and place #lefebvre #and since i have referred to being in a fight: please enjoy the previous tags in which his name has appeared: #suddenly remembering lefebvre talking about i forget which central paris building as a parked spaceship #me making lefebvre read this over and over and over again and then tell me if he still stands by that passage about plants/products/works #i can't believe i've been reduced to having to reproduce the absolute/relational binary like this. i sound like lefebvre. i hate you all #i got through the dunking on lefebvre stage and am now fighting the impulse to dunk on rifkin; prescod weinstein; almost every geographer

[warriorsparked]

Headcanon: Char

This is going to revolve around Megatron's very first lover (or... his feelings for a lover considering that there was never actually a romance between them). Also just a cw that this will include mentions of violence, mental health, abuse (inc. sexual), toxicity, and death.

When Megatron was young, he didn't have many friends (if any tbh). He was seen as an outcast from pretty much the beginning of time, even to his fellow Kaonites. Megatron's mentors (parents) were abusive and very toxic, and they had a bad reputation within the community, so because of this, Megatron was outcast from his peers from the very beginning.

Megatron was also very socially withdrawn because of his upbringing, and the fact that he didn't have anyone to really relate with and interact with. He experienced antisocial behaviours and others pretty much saw him as the 'weird kid' that they wanted nothing to do with because he came from a broken household, one mentor a drunk and abusive and the other one slept around and was known as being a 'whore' (I am very sex worker positive, these are just narrow minded views from the community just fyi!). This one in particular, also abused Megatron sexually from a young age, which does come into play within Megatron's life and unpacking his trauma.

Megatron was also known for behavioural issues, lashing out and violent tenancies towards others (although generally speaking, Megatron was not usually the one that started anything, he merely finished it). I'll cover his psychological behaviours in another post maybe because that post will be LONG.

Char, a femme who was a couple of vorns younger than him, became his first real friend. He had met her on her first day at the academy (school), and had offered to show her around the place.

There was just something about her that drew him in. She was exceptionally kind and compassionate, and the very first person to show Megatron any decency. He CLUNG to that. For him, this was the first time anyone had ever shown him a sense of kindness outside of the teachers of course, but they could only do so much.

In a very dark place, Char became his light, and it didn't take long for him to fall desperately in love with her. But this love was also very toxic. For one, it was unacquainted. While Char was supportive of Megatron and tried her best to be his friend, she loved him only as a friend. Unfortunately, her compassion and time spent with him, made Megatron believe that she also felt the same, despite her having said no.

This is where Megatron's warped sense of views and lack of mental health support begin to show. He became aggressive in nature to others that she would give attention, he believed that he owned her in a sense, and he was definitely possessive. But he also HID this relationship from his creators, and his current at school psychiatrist (he'd been under scrutiny for a long time so the academy appointed him therapy sessions to help correct some of his behaviours). Megatron was under the belief that if his creators knew, or his therapist, then they would take away what made him happy, or they would taint it, because that's what they did. They ruined everything they touched, including him.

Megatron's self worth was rock bottom. This didn't help in how he saw his and Char's relationship. It was set up for failure the moment it began, unfortunately. Especially due to how Megatron perceived sex and violence, and how intertwined they had become for him no thanks to what he'd been exposed to at home.

He became obsessed with Char. While he claimed he loved her, and would never hurt her, there relationship took a few tumbles, especially when he attempted to kiss her--which she did not approve of. While he did apologise and explained he thought that she felt the same way, it didn't stop him from seeing her as a tease and a cheat when she was with others. His internal battles were extreme, especially since... again, his mental health was not on his side, and keeping this secret from others meant he had no real outlet aside from his own thoughts (which were dark and nasty). Megatron tried his best to contain his impulses, but it was a very hard time for him, especially when he had no real help.

Eventually, Megatron was arrested for crimes (murder) he committed and he was thrown into an institute (this is another HC post I'll cover in time). This separated him and Char. For vorns, he was locked away, but she did visit him once, when his therapist found out about her when investigating his past. Megatron apologised for his wrongs, and she tried to encourage him to expose what had happened to him in that household to his therapist. This caused a lot of tension, because Megatron had put his trust in her, and everyone he'd ever trusted had betrayed him. So... as you can imagine, his trust was fragile.

She left when things became violent and the guards sedated him and dragged him away. This MORTIFIED Char, seeing her old friend being treated this way when they were supposed to be helping him. She couldn't face him anymore, not knowing the pain he was going through, not knowing what they did to him, and also knowing that there was nothing she could do to help.

When Megatron finally got out, he went to see her, finding out where she was living. Unfortunately for him, because this was SO LONG ago, Char had moved on with her life, had bonded to a femme and had a family with them.

This infuriated Megatron. His trust had already been fragile, as much as his mind which told him that this was a betrayal. That the last person he had put his trust and faith in had broken it.

In his mind, even while he was incarcerated, he still believed that one day, him and Char would live happily ever after. It had given him a sense of hope, and even a reason to behave so he could be released (ofc the Institute are horrible and they kept him in there for as long as possible because his therapist was a cruel mech who enjoyed pressing him to the edge).

In Megatron's rage, he killed the bondmate and then charged his way through the door of Char's home, covered in her mate's blood. Even then, he still believed that he could make Char love him, that they were supposed to be together. He tried to convince her in his angst, but when she pulled a knife on him in fear, he strangled her and killed her. He also killed her sparklings, seeing them as defiling what they'd shared together, but also knowing that without Char, they'd live miserable lives like he had, and he'd rather them have peace than suffering (Megatron's view of the world was very negative and twisted from his own sufferings).

Afterwards, he of course regretted it. Immediately. He had become consumed by his anger and hurt, and he'd never MEANT to hurt her or kill her. Megatron was unstable, had tricked the system long enough that they could no longer contain him, despite his mental health being so fragile (and his physical processor issues which again, another HC post lol).

This is one of the biggest regrets in his life, and always will be. Although he has recovered mostly from his processor issues and is undergoing therapy, Megatron is still a possessive lover. But Char's death is a reminder, always, of what he never wants to go through again, and he wishes he could be a better person. He did love her, but his circumstances were exceptionally unfortunate, and he absolutely regrets every moment of hurt he'd caused her. If he could take it all back, he would, but this was also a long LONG time ago in his life now. But it's something he'll always regret and something that will always haunt him.

Megatron's life had never been kind to him, but it also doesn't excuse his wrongs, and he understands that. He has paid for his crimes, but for this one, he'll never be punished enough in his optics.

#Headcanons #Meta #Char #My AU #cw: death #cw: abuse #cw: mental health #// This is long! sorry lol also yes Megatron's “moment of peace” in his life was very brief even though it DID exist #// His mental health has always been questionable and is also due to a processor malfunction and continued physical abuse #// Childhood did not help but also working the mines and being a gladiator made that worse #// His limbic system was damaged which is responsible for a lot of emotional regulations and impulse control

[pyreflydust]

Sometimes my mother complains that my brother cares too much about appearances and she ignores when I say I do too. Because I don't do it in a way she disapproves of (he acts Too Smart and Too Academic and wears clothes that are Too Nice and I simply HIDE because if people PERCEIVE ME then they'll see my flaws) and I know part of it is because he holds himself together around everyone else and she has to deal with the fallout and only I have to deal with the fallout of my failure to hold myself together while still desperately trying but...

I don't have an On Paper bpd diagnosis but I have an On Paper "We think (he) has bpd but we're not supposed to diagnose that in 13 year olds" on some old psych test from 1999. I had a psychiatrist who insisted I had Rapid Cycle Bipolar despite the fact the cycles were Too Rapid and never really went Up and a therapist who years later, without confirming one way or another, pointed out that most Rapid Cycle Bipolar diagnoses are actually really just Borderline Personality. I have a therapist now who has gestured to coping that I do as Overcontrolled and I think about how the one who most implied I Might have bpd said I have control issues (not as a judgment just as a statement and fuck knows she's right.)

Overcontrolled Personality can come with so very many things. It doesn't have to be "Quiet" bpd but it can be. And I think about how much of my earliest therapy was about making me stop being loud and how many of my toxic behaviors I had to swallow instead of learning to cope with them because it was never "Why are you doing this? Are you in pain?" it was "jfc stop doing this and snap a rubber band against your arm instead" I think about how the "quiet" part of bpd reminds me of the complaint I've seen many people have about autism and adhd and how people rely on external symptoms to make diagnoses. How so many people only care how someone else's mental illness or developmental disorder affects them.

When I was digging into this, before I backed away for fear of seeing my own reflection, I saw someone use the terms pleasure seeking and risk averse and I think about how badly I wanted to be pleasure seeking even if it destroyed me but I was pushed back further and further until I became risk averse. Which is still destructive, just in a way people consider "quiet" so no one gives a shit.

When I go outside, I feel like I'm just visiting. I don't belong out there, mingling with the living humans. I care about appearances but I cannot fake something that Feels Human so I need as little exposure as possible to the Real Humans. I would love to interact with people more, to have a community (to be allowed in a relationship especially because it has been fifteen fucking years since my last one entire teenagers, potentially ones reading this, have been born since then) but the very idea of trying feels like shoving my entire hand into an open wound. I'm afraid everyone else will notice that I don't fit. I'm afraid they'll be disgusted by the very sight of me, let alone the words and the thoughts and the feelings that make up who I am. But the longer I stay shut in, the more I rot and the more I rot, the less chance I have of ever being happy.

#hello time for me to dump my guts onto tumblr dot com at 7am est...edt? whatever #anyway in case this Concerns anyone I'm gonna hopefully be starting a bunch of Extra Therapy soon regardless of Actual Dx #(almost wrong Canon instead of Actual but I mean same thing I guess when you feel Fictional) #little alien life shit

[septembersghost]

That scene where Jimmy gives his speech during the bingo game is heartbreaking. The way he says "I've been paying for it ever since! And THAT'S why I'm here!" he's really felt like he's being punished his whole life 💔😭

you know the post going around about walt and breaking bad that's like, he didn't have to do all that! - i feel quite differently about jimmy, even though he most assuredly did not have to, and should not have, done all that! i understand what drives him on a far deeper empathetic level, because he felt...like a failure. there is a constant ache and powerlessness and even loss of self in that. he felt like he could never do anything quite right or get ahead, and that whatever he did got him punished, and of course he took wrong turns on the road and eventually succumbed to that altogether, but he really did try so often. (which bob spoke about recently!) and there are concrete reasons, real ones, perceived ones, outer ones, internal ones, why jimmy felt that way and why it was so hard on him. beyond even the concepts surrounding trauma and choices, there's an element of bcs very much about perceptions (and classism, even), and how damaging it is to decide someone is only one thing or only perceive the very worst of them, and judge them for it with no further thought. it's like that devastating scene with kristy esposito, "you made a mistake, and they are never forgetting it. as far as they're concerned, your mistake is just...it's who you are. and it's all you are." as much as it's a fault for giving in to one's worst impulses, it's also very much a fault to define someone by their mistakes alone and never believe in any chance of personal growth or improvement. jimmy got into this self-fulfilling cycle where he felt like he was always being punished, and he was looked down upon, and then he punished himself, and then he punished others/the world, and then he punished himself again, and then he was punished again, and it really is heartbreaking when you look at the entire scope of it.

#maybe a takeaway from this show is we should be a little kinder to each other when we stumble #he really is so smart and capable and has a good heart and could've achieved so much #if he had been given more outreach if he had been willing to take another path and so on #do i overidentify with jimmy and kim for personal reasons of loss and failure though very different actual circumstances? yes #it hurts me #jimmy mcgill #better call saul #anonymous #letterbox #bcs spoilers

[hiswordsarekisses]

““You do not know what spirit you are of...” (Luke 9:55). Yeshua’s words imply that each of us has the responsibility to know ourselves (γνῶθι σεαυτόν), and to learn to endure (and overcome) the natural motives and focus of our hearts. We discover the truth of our spiritual condition in the midst of our daily frustrations, as we experience conflict, opposition, and the inner groan that arises from pressure and disappointment. Spiritual growth means learning to transcend our negative reactions, to stop cursing our conflicts, and to awaken to the blessings that surround and pervade our way. God’s grace enables us to open our eyes so that we may “choose life and live” (Deut. 30:19).

Our daily struggle with sin reveals the contradiction between the ideals of our faith and the spontaneous reactions of our heart.... We live in between the “is” and the “ought,” the real and the ideal (though often we deny one or the other). The impulse to despair, to be angry, to complain and curse our experience can be transformed into an opportunity to pray, to ask God for help, and to refocus on what is real. This is the “hidden blessing” (ברכת סוד) of our troubles. When we learn to surrender to God’s Presence, we can breathe in his peace and love, despite the grief we encounter over ourselves and others. When we come to the light, and do not deny the truth about our condition, we can honestly ask the LORD for healing (Heb. 4:16). When we seek for the good - and even bless the struggle - we express our trust that God will use our sorrow to help us grow and to bring beauty from our ashes (2 Cor. 7:10). Hashivenu: “Turn us back to you, O LORD, and we shall be turned...”

Again, our daily struggle with sin reveals the contradiction between the ideals of our faith and the spontaneous reactions of our heart. If we are able to find the courage, our failures and brokenness may be used by God to distill the intentions of the heart by helping us to be more honest with ourselves. We begin to realize that we are more vulnerable than at first we thought; that our faith is not as strong as we imagined, and that our motives are often mixed and unconscious. Illusions are striped away; idols crumble; deeper levels of selfishness are uncovered; the gap between our words and our deeds is exposed... It is one thing, after all, to intellectually think about faith or to idealize spirituality, but it is quite another to walk out faith in darkness. Yet it is only there, in the rawness of heart, that we discover what we really believe and how our faith makes traction with reality...

Keep the flame within your heart burning, friend... A sage once told a person struggling with his faith: "It is written that all creation was brought into being because of people like you. God saw there would be people who would cling to our holy faith, suffering greatly because confusion and doubt would plague them. God perceived that such would overcome these doubts and troubles of heart and remain strong in their belief. It was because of this that God brought forth all creation." Indeed, it was because of this that Yeshua our LORD suffered and died for you... Amen. Therefore never yield to despair, since that leads to further darkness and fear. Press on and keep fighting the "good fight" of faith (1 Tim. 6:12). Remember that you infinitely matter to heaven; your life has great value; you are significant and you are truly loved by our Heavenly Father. There is a "future and a hope" for you; there is "a white stone, and on that stone will be written a new name that no one can understand except the one who receives it" (Rev. 2:17). May "the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perishes, though it be tested with fire, be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation to come" (1 Pet. 1:7).

"I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion (ἐπιτελέω) at the Day of Yeshua the Messiah" (Phil 1:6). The LORD is able to guard you (φυλάξαι) from stumbling and to present you blameless before the presence of His glory with great joy (Jude 1:24). "The LORD upholds all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down" (Psalm 145:14). "He will sustain you to the end, guiltless in the Day of our Yeshua the Messiah" (1 Cor. 1:8). He who calls you is forever faithful; He will surely do it (1 Thess. 5:24). Yea, "the Lord is faithful (נֶאֱמָן הוּא): He will establish you and guard you against the evil one" (2 Thess. 3:3). The Spirit says, "Fear not, for I AM with you always." [Hebrew for Christians]”

­

[incarnateirony]

Oh look at that, Patrick yet again confirmed to be a rusty, sticky doorknob intellectually with his whole "I KNEW ABOUT THIS CUT AND JENSENS MOTIVATIONS ALL ALONG."

So here's the real tea: the original line was that. They even recorded that. Jensen, himself, recorded it, and wasn't even aware it was cut, because he talked about the scene as if it involved Cas at a convention. (x)

And that's before Meredith's personal friend went on a twitter rant correcting you inconsolable dipshits about how upset everyone was creatively it was cut and how important the original form was.

I cannot emphasize this enough. That is the exact opposite of what Pat thought it accomplished. It's another walking piece of shit Jensen was tired of happening, that he's going to stop.

Congratulations, Pat, you just put on display The Whole Problem Jensen Is Fixing.

Good game, dipshit.

stop dude, just stop. you literally cannot comprehend how embarrassing this is to watch you guys scramble to find an answer that works for you on. I promise there fucking isn't one. There's no magical key. Every one you've tried just opens the door more to what Jensen's doing and you're refusing to catch a clue.

stop dude. just motherfucking stop. I'm not fucking with you. I'm not rolling you. There's a reason you're striking out at every swing you're taking dude. just stop, jesus christ, you have no idea what's happening.

i know you wanna pretend real real bad I'm making it up like the original ending or the omissions or the pilot or any number of things but I'm sorry, it's a fucking thing, and it's happening, whether you're on board or not, and I'm begging you to save yourself weeks and months of embarrassment and failure and to just kindly shut the fuck up until you actually figure out what's going on, rather than trying to build a defensive shield to imagine what you WISH was going on.

I genuinely don't know what Pat, Vinnie, Kelios, lolj, Rowan think they're doing in this discourse. Genuinely. They seem to think everyone's working off the same wild ass extrapolations they try to rise from the pile with only to be immediately kicked in the face by reality every time. Like 6 weeks is coming in 6 weeks whether you want it to or not dude. Time's gonna keep moving and reality's gonna keep moving forward, and it's going to keep following the same damn path you're teapot shrieking in denial of and looking for any door out, only to smash into walls when you try.

maybe the whole point on their end is to spread misinfo and dissent in the final weeks? I genuinely can't tell, but that's the only "net positive" they could perceive yielding out of these futile antics.

Go pay another 5K to someone, Patrick, maybe they'll tell you what's happening then.

I know at this point just about everyone that matters has figured out how full of it the dude is, but it's worth calling out now here, among all things, while he tries to stir dissent against this show out of fear of it.

christ, DUMB motherfuckers.

I keep coming back and editing because I'm just overwhelmed how DUMB they are. They thought the boycott was about jared and "failed" even though every post said it was about stressing CW tax bracket to force sale which is exactly what happened. They denied the ending, the ommissions, the pilot.

DUMB motherfuckers I can not emphasize this enough DUMB MOTHERFUCKERS.

Cannot figure out why I've been so goddamn smug since December 2022 and over arguing with or entertaining their bullshit fucking points while they were convinced I should be miserable and feel like I lost something with that finale lmfao

it's just. Pat unironically sourced The Entire Problem Jensen Is Fixing, and willfully and maliciously--and frankly ignorantly--attached the liability in its removal to Jensen when that made zero sense to begin with even from outside view.

DUMB motherfucker.

[gravitycumplex]

the journey into real maturity: or gravie talks about 'loud steps on classroom floors'

i've been thinking about what i lovingly dub the rolsed HS AU for a bit - partially because i have wips related to it, partially because it's one of my favs, and now i feel like talking about The Vibes And Moods And Feefees(tm) so lemme get to that for a bit

cw: more or less the same as the fic, so... veer carefully

i guess i need to confess im not exactly the biggest fan of HS AUs in the first place lmao - im not against them, i just don't find many that fit my particular brand... it's the thing about being old and having the time to reflect on your own high school experience; a lot of it ends up being very... unimportant, in the grand scheme of things. even i, who has a fair amount of trauma associated with my experiences during all my pre-adulthood education, finds no value in high school as just high school

and that's where the entire point of 'loud steps' come from, if anything

it's about yearning for adulthood, actually

one of the main points in the HS AU is, ultimately, what happens around daniel's perceived maturity - not in the 'oh you're so mature for your age' harhar sorta way, but in a very sincere 'this traumatised child is, in fact, maturing fast to make up for the failures of the adults around him'

the problem with maturity that comes fast, and that comes from trauma at that, is that it's arguably not 'true' maturity; it's a combination of half-baked grown up thought processes and a bunch of adaptive coping mechanisms (which more often than not turn maladaptive, if they weren't from the beginning) - and it shows on the ways daniel is most selfish, if anything

he knows he shouldn't push and pursue a relationship with his teacher, for a variety of reasons, and he knows that doing so will land roland in trouble, more than it will ever cause him personal strife... and he does it anyway, even tho he insists he cares about roland (which he does, but his childish wants overpower any sense of care he has for the man, much of which is ultimately developed during the course of the story)

daniel very much admits to himself that he's fucked up, and part of his process into becoming an actual adult is realising that the adults around him (those who care, anyway) are as fucked up or more than him, and still made it past their 20s, or are trying to, at least

he's in this very fickle and complicated state between childhood and adulthood, where - unlike many teens who wish to stay in that state of being children with little to no responsibilities - he yearns for the sense of freedom that comes with adulthood; because in his mind adults are truly free - to live and love and choose as he pleases, for that is not something he has been free to do as a child or teenager

his entire character development revolves on building his own sense of adulthood, abandoning the cocoon he created for temporary survival as a child, and moving from yearning for real adulthood to actually giving himself the chance to experience it

this is also why the story could've never been done with roland's POV, besides the fact that it would've mostly been roland being conflicted and salty at his own choices for 69k (nice) words - as much as it is a ship fic, roland is a support on daniel's development and wants; he's a stepping stone for daniel to create an adult, fully formed version of himself

(i do have a one shot in this au with roland as the POV character, but that's different)

and it's about learning to let go

which is why the second biggest point of the HS AU is letting go, and both roland and daniel accept/work on letting things go

for daniel is his childhood self, for the most part - he's also ready to be replaced, as far as his relationship with roland goes, because he realises he is (to a point) taking advantage of a man he could ruin the entire life of if he wished

for roland, the 'letting go' comes mostly for what he accepts will be daniel eventually finding his stride and leaving him, for a variety of reasons (he's much older, the relationship was technically illegal for most of its course, daniel is young and surely wants more life experience, etc) - something complimentary to the implication of his personal journey, vis a vis angelica's death and the fact that he's been in therapy for that for a while

moving on and abandoning, to a point, the past is kinda a major theme for me, i suppose, and the HS AU is no exception - daniel abandoning his assigned gender and identity, the loss of his virginity, his and roland's meeting at the cemetery - where they were seeing the two most important/traumatic deaths in their lives, at that, - the kink exploration, each year he has left of high school passing him by, and even the idea of taking a sabbatical before college

there's this constant tug-o'-war around daniel's options, choices and wants, and a lot of it demands he let's go of something - immediate desires, a certain sense of comfort, his relationship with his mother, etc, and what he does with them (and how he deals with the consequences) is an on going point of the story

and finally, it is also about love

(well, it is a ship fic, after all)

tho i'd argue it's not just about romantic love

daniel and roland do develop sincere feelings for each other, and if anything that's the main point of the last two chapters of 'loud steps' - roland has to admit that what he thought was a temporary (but pretty fucked up) interest became genuine love, even aware of the not-small-at-all possibility daniel will leave for greener pastures

and daniel, who had more or less a childish crush on roland, exacerbated by a difficult childhood, teenage bullshit and trauma, ultimately understands how complicated his actions had turned things for roland... but also that he does love him, as an adult looking for an equal-to-equal relationship, rather than as a child wanting adult attention or that mid stage between childhood and adulthood, where you want both the care but to be seen as an adult

(which is also why he's so salty at the end with roland still treating him with kiddie gloves, more or less)

it's discovery of what adult love can be like, at least for daniel, with perhaps something of a rediscovery for roland - although his internal conflicts make it much harder for him to accept that, even though he's far more aware of himself and those feelings than daniel is of his own

it is, all in all, a story about trying to grow up when fucked up and dealing with a lot of internal bullshit, while also believing oneself adult enough to deal with the situations one gets into - partially saved by good luck and the few adults who do care actually going out of their way to be supportive and contain when its most needed

some silly unrelated notes and tidbits that don't appear in the fic now uwu

roland's favourite french lit book is by simone de beauvoir, but no, it's not That One (you know the one) - unrelated to that, he has a soft spot for madame bovary

it's never mentioned in that fic, tho i might mention it in others, but roland's modern au last name is 'fontenot' - an older writing of the last name fontaine

speaking of last names, daniel's is 'heras' (and yes, you're supposed to pronounce that H)

daniel's favourite french lit book ended up being by marguerite duras

also daniel won that bet about meursault and hong lu dating

roland is still salty about it

anyway, thank you for coming to my ted talk

#this bitch speaks #them fics #talking about the fic process #rolsed #it is about them ewe