#but I have yet to watch the love boat episode with him in it so maybe he’s just a regular guy in that one? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

featherandferns · 9 months

Text

hurricanes (fic)

jj maybank x fem!reader | angst central

content warning: mentions of drinking and drug use; mentions of sex; arguments and fights; unhealthy relationship

word count: 7k.

blurb: for so many of your memories, bad and good, it feels as if hurricanes are at the forefront. One night, during the midst of a storm, JJ comes to your house, seemingly to bring you one last memory of him.

You hate hurricanes.

They’re unruly and unpredictable; thrashing and destroying anything in their path. Chaos incarnated.

From inside your house, the windows rattle from a vicious blow of wind. Sighing, you leave the comfort of your bedroom to go to the kitchen. There’s no chance you’re getting to sleep anyway. Better brew a pot of coffee and maybe get some homework done throughout the night. As you stand over the machine, waiting for it to brew, you look out the window. It’s dark. Rain is splattered across the glass, droplets chasing after one another in an undisclosed race. You manage to make out your reflection. Bags under your eyes. Clothes hanging sadly on your body. Only recently had you managed to start eating well again, putting on weight and getting through more than one meal a day. So, knowing the effort that you’ve been making, you manage a smile.

The t-shirt you’re wearing is one of your favourites. It holds memories: the fit of laugher that had you in tears one night at a bonfire; the day you got your first A on an exam; a date with JJ. Your finger comes to tease at the collar, fingering the fabric, your smile growing from the memories. It felt nice to finally reminisce about your ex-boyfriend without wanting to crumble. Without the thought feeling like someone was twisting the knife that had yet to be eased out of your chest.

The coffee machine stops buzzing. You look down, coming back to yourself, and pour yourself a cup of coffee from the glass mug. Moving to sit on the sitting room sofa, reaching for the remote, you decide to try and distract yourself with a show. Your parents aren’t home and brother’s at college, granting an empty, quiet house. As you flick through the options on Netflix, you hesitate on one. Narcos. JJ loved that series. Had you watch some of the episodes with him – explaining the characters’ motives and filling in the plot-points from whatever you’d missed. A part of you deliberates watching it and letting yourself slip into some fantasy that JJ is sat by your side on the sofa, his hand comfortably on your knee, eyes glued to the screen. But you don’t. There’re new shows to watch, so why go back on the old? Settling on some Netflix-own drama, you sigh and have a sip of your coffee.

“No way, John B actually thinks he’s found the Royal Merchant,” you snort.

JJ shrugs. “That’s what he says.”

“Where?”

“At the bottom of the ocean,” JJ replies.

“No doy, idiot. I mean where abouts at the bottom of the ocean?” You chuckle, rolling your eyes.

“Oh! Somewhere off the continental drift,” JJ tells you.

He’s opened a bottle of beer for you and is passing it over. The two of you are lounging on your dad’s fishing boat, taking advantage of the nice weather.

“Bullshit,” you say, taking a swig.

“I’m telling you; he’s found it. The stuff in that motel room safe was fucking insane. The cops just pocketing the cash, too?”

“Cops are dirty: shock horror,” you sarcastically return.

JJ laughs with a nod. Then, smiling at you, he says, "well, all I know is when we find the Merchant-”

“-If-”

“When!” he corrects loudly, making you laugh. Then he’s shuffling up so he’s sat right next to you, hooking an arm comfortably around your waist. “When we find it, I’m using my share of gold to spoil my girl rotten.”

“Oh?” You prompt, raising a brow at him with a grin. He nods down at you.

“Mhm. I’m talking fancy dinners and expensive jewellery and that perfume you always check out whenever we’re at the mall but never buy.”

“It’s overpriced,” you brush off, rolling your eyes.

“It’d smell perfect on you,” JJ affirms. Makes your cheeks go warm.

Nudging him with your elbow, the bone digging softly into the flesh of his abs, you say, “well, I guess I could get on board with that then.”

“Just you wait until we find it,” JJ promises, raising his bottle in a silent toast.

Rolling your eyes lovingly at his ways, you lift yours to clink the neck of your bottle against his. JJ leans down to capture your lips in a kiss, sweet and summer-filled, with the lingering taste of beer. You gladly kiss him back, sinking into the familiar feel of your boyfriend. This is going to be the best summer yet.

About ten minutes into the second episode, you think you hear a knock at the door. No; it’ll be a branch having blown away in the breeze. Sighing, you go back to the show, coffee nearly finished and luke-warm. Then, it comes again. Two short raps. Pausing the show, you turn and frown at the door. You can see it from the sofa. There’s a pause, maybe a minute, and then three knocks. You get up and make your way to the door, deliberating who in the hell could be coming to your house in the middle of a hurricane at (you glance to the clock on the hallway as you go) ten to midnight?

As you undo the latch on the door and twist the key to unlock it, you feel your gut twist. It’s as if it knows something you don’t. Then, pulling the door open, wincing against the cold and the wind and the rain from outside as it fights its way in, you come face to face with JJ. The sight of him makes you colder than the weather ever could.

“JJ?”

“Can I come in?”

“Wh—”

Your voice trials off, throat running dry, and you glance back into the house for some reason, as if the coat-stand might have the answers. Looking back to him, brain muddled, you see how he’s leaning against the wall of the entryway. How he’s holding his flask in his hand, the lid unscrewed, and you close your eyes with a sigh.

The rational part of you screams to close the door on him. Do the right thing, the hard thing, and turn him away as if you have barely acknowledged him being there. But it’s not that simple. Nothing is, the moment any sort of feeling has been involved, and you find yourself looking into his red-rimmed eyes. You’re not sure if he’s high or he’s been crying.

“Please,” he says, voice quiet as if defeated. “I just wanna talk.”

He’s dripping from head to toe, drenched from the rain. Hair sticking to his forehead, leaking water down the back of his neck. Hands shaking from the cold and the booze. Wordlessly, you open the door fully and step to the side, making space for him to walk in. After he catches on and enters, you catch a whiff of his cologne. Musky yet fresh; so wonderfully him. It makes one of the scabbed cuts on your heart crack open. Closing the door, fighting to keep in the warmth, you sigh and face JJ. He’s standing there awkwardly, unsure of where you want him to go. He’s barely able to keep his balance right, fumbling from leaning his weight on one leg to the other.

You gesture to the kitchen. “Go sit down. I’m gonna grab you a towel.”

JJ nods and does as you say, heading into the kitchen. You try not to spiral in your thoughts as you go to the boiler closet, fishing out a fresh bath towel. There’s only one thought that you can’t seem to silence. What is he doing here?

A part of you still feels as though you can hear the wind of the storm beating against the thin walls of the police tent. The sirens and the chatter and the panic. The chaos of trying to help John B and Sarah escape, and the never-ending torture of waiting for any news. That they escaped. That they were caught. That they were even alive.

That was a week ago now.

JJ’s not answering his phone. You haven’t been sleeping well. Your nights are nothing but restless, nightmares plaguing you about all the ‘what ifs’ and the guilt of waving them off in the boat, practically sending them off to their grave. It’s a lot for a seventeen-year-old to burden. Your parents tried their best to help you. They brought you breakfast the first morning that you stayed back at your house (they’d let you crash at the Chateau with the others for a couple of days at first, understanding that all your friends needed one another at that time), and never forced you to come down for dinner. Wallowing felt about the best you could do. You just wished it wasn’t so lonely.

Sighing, ending the call that never stopped ringing, you glance over to your trainers. Since coming back from the Chateau, you haven’t left your house once. Hell, you’d barely left your bed. Then you’re staring at your phone again. At the string of missed calls and ignored texts from JJ. You knew him well and knew how easily he could slip when things changed for the worse. John B was like a brother to JJ. Their bond was so close that it sometimes challenged your own and JJ’s, though never in a malicious way.

Getting up, you put on your trainers and lace them up. You had to check that JJ’s okay.

The air feels fresh on your skin, like a plant gulping down water after days in a drought. You bask in the rays of sun that push through the cloudy overhead. Walking to JJ’s was familiar and quick. Soon enough, you’re trudging up his front lawn and walking around to his window. He’d always told you to come in via there. You never knew where his dad was and what state he might be in, but the odds were low on his being passed out in JJ’s room. The windows always unlocked and you force it up and open with a grunt. Then, you’re climbing on JJ’s desk and glancing around his room. He’s not in there.

What is in there is countless empty beer cans and bottles. The useless ends of joints and cigarettes. It smells musty and sad, like nobody had cracked a window in days. You sigh and kick some stuff out of the way (used clothing and trash) so you can reach his bedroom door. Gently easing it open, you glance into the hallway and through to the sitting room. On the coffee table, you can make out the toes of JJ’s boots. Taking your chances that his dad isn’t home, you walk down the hall to the sitting room.

JJ’s passed out on the sofa. His head is leant back, mouth parted in silent snores, and in his hand is an empty beer bottle. The sitting room is just as bad as his bedroom, maybe even worse. It stinks of weed and alcohol and mould. Everything about all of it terrifies you. You didn’t think he’d sunk this low, so fast. Why hadn’t he reached out to you?

He gets an email and his phone pings, making you glance to it. It’s on the coffee table. There on the home screen are the several missed call notifications and ignored texts from you. If it were any other situation, you’d label yourself as psycho. But you knew something was wrong. Could feel it in your gut.

“JJ,” you say. Clearing your throat, louder, you repeat, “JJ.”

He doesn’t stir.

You reach out a hand to shake his boot.

“JJ, wake up.”

Nothing.

Sighing, you walk around so you’re stood at his side and lean down to shake his shoulders gently, hoping to ease him awake.

“Wake up, JJ.”

He jolts awake with a gasp, eyes flying open. His hands come to your forearms in a tight grip, reflexively, and you try to pull away. The moment he registers it’s you, he let’s go. He mumbles your name, voice still thick with sleep.

“What are you doing here?”

“I wanted to check on you.”

JJ frowns. He rubs at his face and pushes some of his uncombed hair back. His breath smells like stale liquor; it half makes you want to cringe.

“Why?”

“Because I’m worried about you. And, I guess I was right,” you say, looking to the pandemonium of the room.

JJ gets to his feet and shakes his head. He’s walking towards the kitchen and you follow.

“You didn’t need to, alright? I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine, JJ,” you tell him.

He pulls open the fridge. His back is to you. The shirt he wears looks creased and well-worn, as if he hadn’t taken it off for days. It reminds you of everything that happened and just how raw the wounds must be for JJ. How much deeper they are, too.

“Look, I know this is hard for you,” you tell him gently.

JJ grabs a beer and closes the fridge. Cracking open the can, he turns and rests his back against it, taking a swig. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not ‘fine’, JJ,” you say.

JJ shrugs and has another gulp.

“Why didn’t you talk to me?” you ask. Gesturing to him, you add, “you look like you haven’t slept in days, JJ.”

“What’re you gonna do? Sing me to sleep?” he snorts. He’s drunk.

“That’s not the point, JayJ. My parents would’ve let you stay over. I don’t like the thought of you here by yourself.”

“I’m not something that needs fixing, alright? I can take care of myself,” JJ tells you, his voice becoming tighter.

“I’m not saying you need fixing—”

“Are you sure? Cause it sounds like you’re pitying me pretty bad right now,” JJ cuts in. His eyes are narrowed at you as if accusing you of some conspiracy.

Trying to remind yourself of the abundance of emotions he must be feeling right now, alongside the fact that he’s drunk and possibly high, you do your best to keep your calm.

“Of course I’m pitying you, JJ. In the way that a girlfriend would pity her boyfriend who’s dealing with some fucking awful loss,” you tell him.

“He’s not dead, alright? Don’t talk about him like he is,” JJ bitterly mumbles, looking down at his boots.

“We don’t know that, JJ—”

“Well, you don’t know that he is dead, alright? So stop talking about it like you want it to be true!” he explodes. He stalks towards you, angry. “Do you want him to be dead, huh? So you have a little project to work on? So you can come visit your scum of a boyfriend and do your charity work, to make yourself feel better. To distract you from your own shitty insecurities?”

“Why are you saying this, JJ?” you whisper, taken aback. He’s never spoken to you like this. Ever. Not even when the two of you argue. In truth, you don’t argue. Merely bicker, with it all resolved within the day. Nothing malicious and intentional, with words sharpened to cut. The way he’s looking at you right now – as he stands over you, shoulders rigid as if preparing for a scrap – is terrifyingly unfamiliar.

“I don’t want you here, okay? I didn’t ask for you to come here.”

“You want me to leave then?”

“Yeah, I do, actually.”

“You do?”

“Yes. That’s what I fucking said,” JJ seethes. You find yourself pushing back, getting in his face just as much.

“Fine. Drink yourself fucking blind for all I care,” you spit back.

It’s only been a week, and already a chip has been chiselled into the sculpture that was your relationship. The first crack in the mausoleum.

JJ’s sat at the round kitchen table, shivering like an orphan, and you have to keep yourself from instinctively wrapping the towel around his shoulders. Instead, you place it in front of him. He’s put the flask away, it seems.

“Thanks,” JJ mumbles, taking it.

As he rubs his hair dry, you head to the coffee machine. He needs to sober up and you’d found that coffee always worked for him. Hell, you could do with another cup too, perhaps just to keep your hands busy.

“It’s crazy out there,” JJ eventually says, hesitant to start a conversation. You close your eyes at the sound of his voice. “Brian’s throwing a tantrum.”

You’re half-tuned in, mostly lost in the droning of the coffee machine as it brews. You look down at your hands to find that you’ve been messing with the skin around your nails. It was a nervous habit you had, and one that hadn’t shone through in a couple of months. Not since you and JJ had ended things.

The coffee is done all too soon. Pouring two mugs worth, you brace yourself as if preparing for a slap as you turn to face JJ at the table. His hair is now damp, no longer dripping down his face. Wet clothes are still stuck to his skin, outlining the perfection of his body, and you have to force your eyes away. It’s hard to think that only two months ago you would be blessed enough to be able to run your hands under his shirt, along the smooth, salt-scrubbed skin of his stomach. What once brought you pleasure in thought now only brought pain.

Taking the seat opposite him, you slide his mug over and take a shaking sip of your own. Your eyes are down, focused on the table-top, tracing the scratch marks in the wood, but you somehow know JJ’s watching you. Can feel his eyes following you.

“Thanks for letting me in.”

“You said you wanted to talk,” you reply.

JJ nods: you catch it in your peripheral. “I do.”

“What’s there to talk about?”

“Us,” JJ says. You close your eyes. You were worried he’d say that.

“There’s nothing for us to talk about, JJ. There isn’t an ‘us’, anymore, okay?” you sigh. JJ’s already shaking his head.

“There is. You know there is,” he returns in a pleading tone. “Things can go back to how they were again.”

“What?” you almost whisper, brows furrowing in confusion.

“John B and Sarah are back now and…And everything can go back to how it was,” JJ tells you, almost hopeful.

You shake your head, lips pressed in a deep frown. Your fingers press against the hot porcelain of the mug.

“JJ. That’s not how this works.”

“I know things got messed up. That it’s my fault that they did, alright? That everything got messed up after John B…”

Died.

Your eyes dart up to meet his. There’re fresh tears gathering in the waterline. It’s weird seeing JJ cry so openly. He only did it once or twice in your relationship, in front of you. He never seemed willing to let you see that side of him, as if it might make him weak. You notice how his hand twitches away from the mug, as if he might reach out for yours, but something in him decides not to. Instead, the two of you keep your distance; a formal width of space, sat on either side of the table, not daring to cross into the others’.

“We can go back to how we were,” JJ privately says.

Your purse your lips, eyes slipping shut a moment to gather your thoughts. Perhaps this is how Eve felt, when the serpent tried to tempt her with the fruit. Here sits the only guy you’ve ever loved, extending an invitation back into the past, of a time when you were happy, and breathing didn’t hurt, and the thought of romance wasn’t something you shunned. But you can’t go back to the past. Time is forever moving forward, continuous and unchanging, and the sooner you make peace with that, the sooner it can start to heal your wounds.

You never spoke about that first fight. Never acknowledged it, really. JJ just showed up at your house, a couple days later, seemingly sober, and you both decided to move forward. You brushed it under the rug as a slip-up. That he needed to reel out of control a little in order to let himself recover, like the way the earth needs a good thunderstorm during summer to replenish the plants. I mean, how were you to know that it was the beginning of the end?

It was the day after you'd made the memorial at the chateau. Yourself and JJ had slept over at the house, after making love on the pull-out. The moment his hands were on your body, it felt like a silent apology for the fight, and you'd let yourself forget all about it. Waking up tangled in his hold, legs a knotted mess and arm tingling with pins-and-needles from his weight, you can't help but smile. It was the nearest thing to normalcy you'd felt in a long time, since Sarah and John B went missing at sea.

"Morning," you mumble sleepily the moment you feel JJ stir. He presses a kiss to your forehead. His skin smells of dry sweat.

"Hey," JJ rasps.

"You want breakfast?"

"What's on the menu?"

You can hear the smirk in his voice, the teasing grin to his words, and it makes you chuckle tiredly. This was the JJ you missed. As one of his hands moves to grope at your ass, you're laughing, gently pushing him off you.

"Perv," you mutter as you get up. Steal his t-shirt from the floor and pull it on.

You trudge to the kitchen, shoving your messed up hair out of your face, and open the cupboards to search for something good. There's no point looking in the fridge; majority of the things in there will be spoiled. This is the first time any of you have been back at the chateau since a couple of days after the incident.

Grabbing a can of soup, you decide it's better than nothing (though far from a classic breakfast). The drawers and counters are a mess. You sigh as you search for a can opener, coming up empty.

"You got your pocket knife with you?" you ask JJ.

He's lounging on the pull-out, scrolling through his phone. The only thing keeping him decent is the blanket that's half-arsedly flung over his waist. You missed seeing him like this, and the sight has you smiling.

"Should be in the left pocket of my shorts," he mumbles in reply, absentmindedly.

You wander over and drop to a squat, digging through his cargo shorts. Nothing, nothing...Your fingers feel something plastic and tactile. Frowning, you pull it out. It's a small plastic baggy containing a white powder. You're not stupid. It's either coke or ketamine. Your frown seems to deepen. Standing up, you hold it up.

"What's this?"

JJ looks up. Spots the bag. Takes in your expression. "Nothing."

"JJ," you say, tone nothing short of serious.

He sighs and rubs at his face, as if finding an excuse to avoid eye contact. "Look, it's fine, alright? I just need a little pick me up, now and then."

"This isn't a pick-me-up, JJ," you say. You know you sound angry, but why shouldn't you be? JJ having an addictive personality was no secret to anyone. His drinking was bad enough. Adding drugs like cocaine to the mix, and your worry trebled.

“What? Are you telling me what I can and can’t do now?” JJ asks. His voice borders on a scoff.

“This is dangerous, JJ.”

“I’m scared straight, hun. Thanks,” he mutters. Leaning forward, he snatches the baggy from you.

“I don’t like the thought of you taking that stuff, JayJ. It’s a slippery slope,” you slowly reply, trying to level your temper.

JJ sighs impatiently, rolling his eyes. It doesn’t help calm the storm brewing inside of you.

“Why’d you always have to ruin everything, huh?”

“Excuse me?”

“Things were finally starting to go back to normal and you have to fucking fixate on another thing. I swear to God, I never do anything right by you. I mean, I’d just gotten over you losing your shit at me the other day—”

“Gotten over it? I’m sorry, let me just check I’m hearing this right?” you interrupt, shifting your weight. “You got over the fact that your girlfriend had to track you down in person to check you were okay, to find you drunk and passed out? Then you yell at me for coming and tell me to leave, several times. And you remember me being the villain in all of that?”

“Don’t flatter yourself. You didn’t do some fucking FBI work to find me; I was in my own Goddamn house.”

“Not the point, JJ,” you loudly counter.

JJ rolls his eyes at you and moves to stand, pulling on a pair of boxers. “You’re such a bitch sometimes, you know that?”

You stare at him. Did you just hear him right? Before you can ask or even respond, JJ’s walking out onto the porch as if you’re not in the midst of an argument.

You watch as he grabs a leftover vape that’s laying on the window ledge. There still seems to be some power left in it. He takes a couple of hits. You simply stare after him. It seems useless to follow. Useless to keep chipping away at this fight that you’re bound to lose. So, instead, you turn back to the kitchen and let the distance between the two of you gape. Another argument unresolved.

Opening your eyes again, meeting his that shimmer blue in the low light of your kitchen, you can’t bring yourself to do anything but frown, your expression the image of sympathy. 'We can go back to how we were.'

“We can’t, JJ,” you whisper.

“Who says we can’t?”

“I say we can’t,” you reply.

“You don’t understand,” JJ tells you, as if ignoring your words entirely. You’re shaking your head, staring down into your coffee, but it doesn’t seem to deter him from continuing. “I can’t picture my life without you in it. These past couple months have felt like there’s a lack there or something. Like something’s missing. And something is missing. You are. You’ve always been there for me, even before we were together. I don’t…I don’t know how I’m supposed to go on with my life without you in it.”

You’re crying now. Silent tears fall down your face. Muffled pain.

The touch of his hand on yours feels electric, but not in a good way. Not in the way it used to. It’s like the shock that it thrills inside of you, which once was excitement, is now merely pain. You half want to jolt your hand back, but that would be too dramatic. Too much.

“Please. Please,” JJ’s begging, crying too. “I just need you in my life.”

“I don’t understand how,” you tell him, voice wet. You meet his gaze again. It feels almost too painful to maintain it for too long. “I can’t be your friend again, JJ. And I definitely can’t be your girlfriend again. So how am I meant to be in your life?”

“You just can! You just have to be there! You have to be there for me!”

Your lip quivers.

He gathers himself, exhaling slowly. “You just…Have to.”

Have to. Like there wasn’t any other way. Like his planet doesn’t spin without you and his universe is empty of planets and stars. Like his world is void of life and you’re the water that can make his plants bloom again. But it doesn’t bring you joy like it would’ve months ago, to hear him say that. It’s too much, too late. Antique coins lose their value.

“I mean…Don’t you miss me?”

Your vision focuses on his tear-streaked face again. Hair still damp. Cheeks pink and nose red.

“Of course I miss you,” you whisper, half-insulted that he’d even ask that. Can’t he see how much this is tearing you apart? “I miss all of it.”

“You don’t have to though,” JJ says. “We can go back to how it was.”

You finally look back down to see his hand still atop of yours. Touch gentle and kind. He used to be kind to you, all the time. Never would raise his voice at you and would never make you cry. But after John B and Sarah vanished, their deaths presumed, it was like something in him snapped. It’s easier to destroy a sandcastle than to build it, and JJ seemed hellbent on destroying whatever bond the two of you had - the love the both of you shared - rather than trying to protect it.

Your relationship with JJ was delipidating. Like a temple built on an eroding cliff, what was once beautiful and serene is now crumbling away, brick by brick. Pope and Kiara and even a stranger in the Goddamn street can see how dysfunctional it is. What was once affection and care is now venom and pain. And yet, underneath all the animosity, there’s still a love that keeps the two of you in place, fighting for things to stay together. After every blowout, one of you ends up in tears and the other is ironically the only person who can comfort them. Then comes the kisses and the apologies and the make-up sex, and the promises to not fight again, and to do better, and to fix what you have. But it’s all a fiction. The next fight comes and it’s uglier still.

JJ seems almost unrecognisable to you most days. The drinking and the drugs and the recklessness is hideous. Brings a pain to your heart that can only be rivalled by the one that comes when you fight. Pope and Kiara don’t see it as much as you do. It’s like he tapers it down for them, only giving them a glimpse. But you’ve always had the honour of seeing every part of JJ, including this. When you beg for him to stop drinking, to try and get himself under control, he goes on the defence. JJ’s words shoot to kill when he’s mad. And it’s like the venom in his words brings out an ugly side of you, too. Infects you with his anger until you're lashing out. When you’re in blind fury, you don’t care what you say, so long as it’s painful. Words that you’d never think come flying out of your mouth. Things you’d never mean are said with nothing short of conviction. About him. About his dad. About him being like his dad. About John B too, sometimes. About it being JJ’s fault. But he doesn’t hold back either. About you. About you and your parents. About you and your exes. About you and John B too, sometimes. It’s ugly and painful and evil.

But it was always words. Sticks and stones, right? You can sooth any cut from a slander with an apology said through soft kisses and softer caresses. Overlay the memory of an insult with sweet-nothings and moans of affirmation. Only words. So, when the next inevitable fight comes with the two of you at his house, after JJ does something particularly stupid at a kegger after flirting with a girl right in front of you to make you jealous, all because you’d said something the other night, you prepare for the hurl of abuse.

“I was just fucking talking to her!” JJ shouts.

You scoff and roll your eyes. “You were practically drooling all over her.”

“Drooling!?”

“Yeah.”

“You’re fucking delusional, you know that?” he chuckles darkly.

“I’m delusional?”

“Yeah, you are.”

“Are you seriously calling your own girlfriend crazy, right now? Do you know how Goddamn sexist that is?” you snap.

JJ shakes his head and does that all-too-familiar walk to his kitchen. You follow as per. It’s like the two of you follow a script when you fight. Insult, jab, insult, jab, drink, jab, insult, cry, silence, drink, comfort, kiss, sex, apologies, promises, sleep. It’s tiresome and it’s pathetic but you don’t want to leave it, because if you do, then you have to face the alternative. You have to face having nothing. No arguments and no JJ. Somehow, arguing with JJ is better than not having him to talk to at all.

But with every fight comes the fading hope that this rough patch will pass, and you’ll be out of the woods, stronger than before.

“Don’t walk away from me, JJ!”

“Stop screaming at me like a psycho bitch!” he shouts back, slamming the fridge door shut. Beer bottle now in hand.

“Don’t call me a bitch, you asshole!” you scream. "Don't you dare drink that!"

JJ laughs at you. "God, it is adorable how you think I give a shit about anything you say to me."

"Oh, I'm so sorry that I actually give a shit about your health! Clearly you don't, snorting any fucking thing you can get your hands-on like some deadbeat junkie."

JJ isn't replying. Won't fight back. Drinking from his bottle like he can't even hear you. Makes you angrier. Say something, do something.

"Guess you're just living up to the family-traits though, huh? Like father like Goddamn son. No wonder your mom left you."

It takes you a moment to realise what made you stop shouting. What made your breath get caught halfway in your throat, heart thumping loudly in your ears. Then, your eyes are slowly drifting down to the floor, to the side of your feet.

Shards of the broken bottle are scattered on the floor. Beer drips down the wall, spills onto the floorboards, pools around the pieces of glass. The sound of shattering was so loud when it hit the wall. No wonder; it happened right by your ear. It was practically inches from your face.

The shock subsides enough to let tears come. You let out a shuddering breath as the reality hits that it could’ve hit you in the face. That could’ve been your face.

When your eyes come to focus again, moving to glance up into JJ’s, he looks just as shocked as you. Just as horrified.

“Baby…”

He starts towards you.

You hold up a hand, prompting him to stop, and take a wobbly step backwards.

“Don’t,” you rasp. You sound terrified. Half don't recognise your own voice.

That could’ve been your face.

“Baby, I didn’t mean to,” JJ whispers, his voice breaking. “I didn’t…I don’t know why I did that. I…”

Your eyes lower to the ground as your hand gradually falls limp by your side. You look to the glass and beer on the floor. How ironically poetic.

“What are we doing, JJ?”

“I don’t…I don’t know,” he hopelessly replies.

You shake your head. Eyes still fixated on the broken bottle. “I don’t…I don’t think this is love anymore, JJ.”

“Don’t say that,” JJ says.

“It can’t be,” you continue, ignorant to his pleas. JJ comes towards you once more and you shake your head, turning away from him before he can make a grab for your hands. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“I know,” he says.

His arms wrap around your waist. He hugs you against him, nestles his face in your hair, presses some kisses against your scalp. There’s the inconsistent drip of his tears.

“I’m sorry,” he’s mumbling into your hair. “I’m sorry. I won’t do that again. I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean to, okay? I’m so sorry, baby.”

But it’s too late, isn’t it?

Before it was words and that was torturous enough. It was painful when he’d say things to you that he knew would hurt, sure, but you’ve never been afraid of him before. But this, now…You can’t go back. You can’t ever go back from that. It’s with a terrifying thought and a fresh wave of tears that you come to the realisation that you’re scared of JJ. You’re scared of the only person who you’re supposed to find comfort and love in. How does that even happen to someone?

“I know you are,” you eventually say in reply to all his apologies.

JJ pauses, settling on pressing more kisses to your head, squeezing his arms around you tighter, closer, as if trying to stop you from slipping away. But a vase covered in cracks can’t hold water in. You push his arms off you and break yourself free from his hold.

“But I can’t do this anymore.”

He mumbles your name. When you don’t turn, heading to grab your jacket from the sofa, he says it again, loud and desperate. You know he’s crying. He’s sobbing. So are you.

“Please, please don't leave me.”

It hurts. It all just fucking hurts. You head for the door. Shake off his hand as it clasps around your wrist.

“Please, baby. We can make this right, okay? We can fix it. I can fix this. Just don't leave me.”

It’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do, walking out his door. In fact, you think a part of your soul dies a little as you do. Left haunting his house is the ghost of your past self that you’ll spend forever trying to find again.

You carefully inch your hand out of his touch and get up, walking to the sink, mug in hand. JJ’s sighing. You catch in the reflection of the window as he hangs his head, palms covering his face. Pouring the leftover coffee down the drain, you try and gather your thoughts and feelings. They all conclude into one.

“I think you should leave now, JJ,” you weakly announce.

Your eyes glance at the window's reflection in time to catch his head lift. Then, you’re looking back down into the sink. Remnants of coffee sit stagnant in the basin. More tears fall.

“What?”

“I really think you need to leave,” you repeat.

“Baby,” JJ says, getting up. He’s walking over to you and your heart sinks.

“Don’t call me that, JJ,” you tell him. But there’s no conviction in your tone. How can there be, when all you are is a crying, fragile mess.

“Baby, please,” he repeats, ignoring you once more. His arms are wrapping around your waist, hugging you against him. It's painful deja vu. You shake your hand and put down the coffee mug, moving to try and push his arms off you. It feels claustrophobic.

“Stop calling me that,” you whimper.

This all hurts so much. The knife is twisting and turning and driving deeper and deeper.

“I don’t want you to call me that anymore.”

“I don’t understand,” JJ says. “If we both miss each other then why can’t we just go back to how it was? I can make it up to you. I can be better, this time. I can get clean. I'll be sober for you. I'll do anything.”

Finally, you managed to break free from his hold. You turn around, placing an arm on his chest to maintain some distance. His hands are still open, as if waiting to catch you.

“That’s not that point, JJ,” you tell him.

“Then what is the point? Why is this so easy for you? I mean, did you ever love me at all? Why aren’t you as torn up about all of this like I am? Did you ever care?”

His tone is turning sour, just the way it used to during your fights. It all comes screaming back to you. The desperation and the battles and the pure exhaustion of trying to hold onto a handful of sand, that only will inevitably slip through your fingers. But it makes the emotions catch fire. Searing hot pain.

“Of course I did!” you burst, eyes wet and voice fire. JJ takes a small step back, startled. “Of course I loved you and of course I miss you! I miss all of it, okay? I miss the way we were and the way you used to look at me. I miss you when I go to sleep and I miss you when I wake up. But I can’t have you in my life anymore, JJ. All the shit that happened between us leaves a sour taste in my mouth, and I can’t erase the past like it didn’t happen. Even if we did move forward, the past is always going to be there. There’s no way to get rid of that!”

JJ’s sobbing, looking away from you. You realise that you’re crying too. Hard and heavy and can barely catch your breath.

“I mean, God, JJ. Do you know how selfish it is for you to be here right now?”

His head darts back to face you. Emotions a mess, you feel your forlorn expression morph into a demented smile. Through a tearful, self-deprecating laugh, you manage out:

“I was barely just holding it together. Barely just surviving, and then you come here and say all these things to me and have this assumption that what you want is what’s right. But it isn’t, for either of us.”

“But we could just—"

“No! We can’t be together again, JJ!”

Letting out a shuddering breath, you hear your words almost echo around the room. JJ’s staring at you. Both of you are heartbroken. What a pitiful, pathetic mess it has all become.

“We can’t, okay?” you repeat, voice softer. Anger gone.

JJ purses his lips and looks down at the floor. You watch as he nods, closing his eyes as he does, as if he’s admitted something to himself.

“Okay,” he whispers. Sniffs harshly. Wipes at his face. You do the same. “Okay.”

This isn’t how you want it to end. You don’t want him to walk out the door with this as his last memory of you. You can’t keep letting the season end on a bad episode. So, slowly, you reach out a hand to grab for one of his. His arms are hanging by his side, defeated. At the touch of your fingers, his instinctively wrap around yours, and he raises his head to look at you.

“I’m sorry,” you tell him. The tears have now subsided, for the most part.

He gives a quivering smile. Bitter-sweet and painful. “Me too.”

He squeezes your hand in his. Now, there’s almost nothing. No zip of excitement or sooth of comfort, and no jolt of pain. Just…JJ.

“I don’t want you to hate me for—”

“I could never hate you,” you say, cutting him off. Smiling yourself, the expression a mirror-reflection of his, you nod. “There’s gonna be a part of me that’s always gonna love you, JayJ. You were my first everything, and that doesn’t go away. Ever. I’ll always be rooting for you and I’m always gonna care for you. But…I have to do it from a distance now, okay? It’s the only way either of us can move on with our lives.”

JJ swallows your words like one might swallow medicine. Unpleasant at the time but affirms a healthy future.

"I know," he nods. "I'm always gonna love you too."

You find yourself wrapping your arms around his neck. Holding him in a hug, tight and secure. His arms coil around your waist and he squeezes you back. The two of you know this will probably be the last time you ever embrace. Ever get to hold him, and him hold you. Neither of you wants to waste it, but neither of you wants to drag it out, in fear that they may never let go. As you pull away, JJ presses a brief, fleeting kiss to your cheek.

Standing in front of one another, once more, you remember the hurricane. The windows are rattling in their frames, rain battering down on them. It’s intense out there.

“You want me to stay?” JJ wonders softly.

You frown.

“I mean-” He gesture to the hurricane-induced storm outside. “I know how you hate them.”

You smile, eyes flitting down. Shaking your head, you sigh. “I need to face them on my own now, I think.”

JJ chuckles soberly. Nodding in understanding, he takes a step or two back. His hands slip into his pockets.

“Then…I guess I should leave.”

“Are you gonna be okay walking home?” you ask. You meant what you said: you’ll always care for him.

JJ nods, smiling brighter still. There’s still the shadow of pain that haunts the expression though.

“Yeah. You know me, I live on the edge.”

With his wink to accompany his sardonic words, you give a soggy laugh. JJ grants you a small wave and another smile. Your favourite smile. Your favourite person. Then, he’s turning around and walking himself to the front door. You hear the gust of wind battle into the house as he opens it, and the hearty slam as he forces it closed.

Standing stoic in the kitchen as if stupefied, you stare after him.

It’s done.

No more new memories. Only the old, to have and to hold, to care for and to cherish. Right now, they’re painful and visceral, but give it time, and they’ll be digestible. You can comb through them and smile and reminisce. Beneath almost every emotion is a tinge of happiness, be it grief or anger. Heartbreak will simply be the same.

Walking back to the living room, you cuddle up under a blanket on the sofa and snuggle against the cushions. Flicking the television back on, you sigh, sit, and continue watching your new show.

From inside the chateau, the windows rattle from a vicious blow of wind.

“What are you doing?” JJ snorts. His voice sounds like it’s come from the doorway.

You look up from the spot you’ve claimed on the floor, cocooned in a blanket. Your cheeks are wet from tears and JJ’s face becomes void of humour, instead morphing into concern.

“Baby, what’s wrong?” he worries, quickly coming over to you.

“It’s dumb,” you sniffle.

JJ shakes his head as he lowers to his knees, wrapping you into his arms. “It's not dumb.”

“You don’t know what it is yet.”

“Well, even if it is dumb, I won’t love you any less. Just might judge you a little, is all.”

You gently batt at his stomach at his stupid joke, making him chuckle.

“What is it?” he asks again, shifting so he can look you in the eyes.

Your rolling your eyes at your ways when you answer. “I hate hurricanes. I guess I have a fear of them or whatever you wanna call it.”

“A fear?”

“Yeah,” you sigh, wiping your wet face.

JJ nods, humming in understanding. He glances around the room a moment and you find yourself inching closer to him for shelter. A flash of lightning shoots a dart of light in the room and you can’t withhold your pathetic, childlike whimper, closing your eyes. Then comes the doomsday thunder. It’s a short pause between the two; means it’s getting closer.

“Here,” JJ says, getting to his feet. He holds out a hand for you and helps you up. “I got an idea.”

“You do?” You say.

You tug the blanket around your shoulders like a shawl. JJ starts moving the sofas and furniture into a weird arrangement. You simply stand back and watch.

“My mamma used to do this for me,” JJ says through a grunt. “Whenever I was scared.”

“JJ Maybank? Scared?” You jest.

He rolls his eyes as he perfects the formation of the armchair, smiling. “Yeah, yeah. Hard to believe, I know.”

“What were you scared of?”

“The dark. And the monsters in my dad’s closet,” JJ replies. He’s now grabbing any blanket he can find.

“The monsters?” you repeat, humour clear in your voice.

“Hey, I didn’t make fun of your current fear of hurricanes, did I?” JJ warns, pointing at you.

You nod and hold your hands up in surrender. That’s fair. “So, what did your mamma used to do then?”

“She’d make me blanket forts,” he says. “To hide from the monsters and the dark.”

“A blanket fort?” you check, smiling.

He’s dragging a blanket over the sofas to make a shelter. You catch on and start to gather some of the throw pillows and couch cushions to make it cosy on the floor, whilst JJ finishes on the structure.

“Yeah. It’s like one of my favourite memories I have of her. She’d make them real cosy and then we’d watch a movie, and I’d be safe.”

When it’s all finished, JJ turns to you and grins. Gesturing proudly to his creation – bumpy as it is – you grin, giggling a little. “Ta da!”

“A Maybank tradition,” you say.

He climbs into the fort and settles on the cushions. The light from the lamp casts through the blanket to give the faintest glow. Holding out his hand, you take it with a laugh and move to sit beside him. He shifts you so you can lay with your head resting on his chest. His arm loops around your waist and you place a hand on his side. It’s quiet in here. The rainfall is barely audible and the thunder is muffled. It feels like its own world, safe from anything else. Safe with JJ.

He presses a kiss to your forehead.

“So, what’d ya think?”

“I think this might be the most romantic thing you’ve ever done, Maybank,” you reply, looking up at him.

JJ grins. “Just wait ‘til we get that gold. The blanket forts are gonna be insane.”

You laugh and shake your head. JJ falls into an extravagant daydream of the forts he’ll build for you: with drawbridges and dragons and all sorts of ridiculous crap, that you know he’s only spewing because it’ll get a laugh out of you. Settling against his chest, feeling the rumble of his voice and shaking of his laughs through his t-shirt, you smile. What a sweetly clandestine memory to share.

#jj #jj maybank #jj x reader #jj maybank x reader #obx #obx fic #outer banks #outerbanks #outer banks fic #outerbanks fic #jj angst #jj maybank angst #jj maybank x reader angst #jj x reader angst #obx angst #obx preferences

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squidinkedcreative · 26 days

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i am sick again (i stg its the weather patterns here or smth bc when i lived in a different climate for 4 yrs, I HARDLY EVER GOT SICK!!!! i still mask everywhere !!!! wtf!!!) so naturally i am thinking abt my blorbos…

watching older joel and etho content has me feeling so many things

JOEL BUILDING THEM A BOAT TO LIVE IN,,,, IN DOUBLE LIFE

and etho being so encouraging yet still teasing to joel the entire time. it was so endearing ngl lmaoo

i havent seen either of their newest episodes of current hc but i have seen a handful of things abt it 💀 oh maaaaaan etho is leaning into the “little shit” part of their dynamic so hard its so funny

it also all has me thinking abt head canons n stuff… so heres some of those heh

-etho comes down w a cold and hes miserable but trying rly hard not to show it, n joel comes in n makes him some food n gets him some warm towels and makes sure he knows hes allowed to take a rest now n then, especially when sick

-etho is not a menthol enjoyer, but joel loves it. he loves vapo rub and menthol cough drops/tea, and it used to make etho nauseous, but he’s slowly beginning to enjoy the smell of it bc it reminds him of joel, but more specifically whiny sick joel who’s very needy

-OH YEAH. joel is so the type to be extra whiny and needy when he’s sick, whereas etho is the opposite. he pretends hes fine until hes literally collapsing lmfao he could have a high grade fever and still insist he can keep working lmfao meanwhile the millisecond joel feels slightly under the weather he’s whining about it and basically throwing himself at etho to take care of him

-i like tho think that gem would stop by with some sick care package stuff if both of them were to get sick, like soup and meds but also comfort stuff as well like snacks, media to watch, maybe a handmade blanket too heh

-etho is immunocompromised teehee so anytime joel gets sick, etho ends up getting sick 2x as hard, thats also why he masks all the time!!!!!!!! but sometimes the sickies r just unavoidable ough

anyway yeah idk what this is i feel feverish and delirious even tho the dr said i had a normal temp this afternoon hope u enjoyed these potentially incorherent smalletho/boat boys ramblings

#boat boys #smalletho #smallishbeans #ethoslab #hermitcraft joel #hermitcraft etho #hermitcraft smallishbeans #hermit headcanons #etho headcanons #smallishbeans headcanons #boat boys headcanons #squid speaks

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respectthepetty · 6 months

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Naughty Babe, who is Le Ling?!

I watched the Naughty Babe finale and had no idea who Le Ling was; therefore, I have to be annoyingly cringe about it, but before I begin, let me just say that Max looked delicious the entire eight episodes.

But also, this Daddy did too! And I'm not talking about Aon. No! Yi's father has been looking like an entire five-course meal every single time he appeared on the screen. This is the type of father that if your partner was acting up, forget about effing the friends. EFF THE DADDY! Sir, why are you looking so scrumdiliumcious? Is it all that money? Or is it the power? Perhaps it's you in red. Rawr!

Hand over heart, this entire family could get it. Mom included.

I gotta focus! The kids were in the playroom planning shenanigans.

This is a boy who gets it. I've always loved that his name is Syn because he sins but prays about it. Repents while he is doing it but still does it. Makes his sinful peeps pray too for good measure. We're not going to hell on his watch!

Lian not stopping Diao is funny because all throughout Cutie Pie, Yi would call Lian and be like, "your boy's at the club, but I'm only here to collect my man who I have 24-hour surveillance on, so sucks to be your trusting ass, but I'm built different, so I hope you get to your man on time before some serious shit goes down. Toodles!" These two are the pettiest friends, and I love my ghost ship.

POPPY! Where were you all season?! Hopefully filming Love Puzzle, so I can see you kiss a homie, but I was glad to see the secretaries in love and as chaotic as ever . . . in red.

Look at that face! That is a man trying to get all these heathens into the next life, YET THEY WON'T WORK WITH HIM! I guess the honeymoon will be in hell, Nuer!

This dog looked adorable, in red. So glad Domundi switched it out from the Cutie Pie dog. A+ casting choice.

This boat showing up was unnecessary! Was this supposed to be a rainbow moment because a high speed boat thingy coming out of nowhere was not the move?!

This blue color was even depressing Diao out. Get some yellow or orange back on my boy's body, NOW!

Look how vibrant that red ring box looked! LOOK AT IT! The ring looked really pretty with that red watch Diao was sporting too.

Red and white rose petals? They wasn't even married yet. Save them for the actual ceremony. Wasting expensive confetti. And the kissing too. Didn't have sex all this time, now they can't stop. Geesh!

I know this is tied into Chinese tradition and Yi's family being Chinese, but YI IS A RED RASCAL!

And leading up to this wedding, there had been so much blue to represent Diao's family being the hindrance to their love, and now this entire wedding was red to represent Yi and his family and Diao becoming a part of his family, and

Y'ALL CAN'T TELL ME NOTHING!

Then to have the gold dragons which represent Yi's family but are also Diao's color.

Y'ALL CAN'T TELL ME SHIT!

I'm in heaven. I do not care what the plot was. I do not care about the fake amnesia. I do not care about how the dog attack turned into a tiger attack. NO ME IMPORTA! Diao called out his father in front of all those rich ass people and God while wearing his man's color, and I'm living for it!

Kuea is a Red Rascal too, and I appreciated this public service announcement.

Diao sucked his thumb (😑), then they fucked, yet my color demon eyes only saw red candles. Thank you, props department!

Makorn asking if Diao wants a new husband (yes, sir. YOU!) while Yi wore red with that product placement red drink . . . *Mwah!* This blue table cloth gotta go though!

Red over Diao's heart, but that damn blue is still there! Diao, where is your yellow and orange, my man?! DONDE?! Oh yeah, they have kids with little rainbow toys. Good for them.

Hold on, was I supposed to remember this little girl? Diao was talking about her like I should know her. Who dafuq Le Ling?

Even this baby was confused. Who is this chick? Girl, for reals, who is you?! This feels like Buffy the Vampire Slayer's fifth season when Dawn was introduced. Like I KNOW I ain't seen this chica before.

Well . . . she's part of the family now, so good for her.

All in all, YI IS A RED RASCAL, and marriage equality will come to Thailand no later than 2026.

And same-sex partners will legally be able to adopt by 2029.

Naughty Babe, Cutie Pie, and Domundi said it with their full chest, and Apollo is gonna cosign it with his bouncy red ball because Red Rascals may not like each other, but they love to cause havoc when least expected, so . . . fuck it up, sis!

Amen.

#naughty babe the series #yi is a RED RASCAL #and Apollo is coming for Thailand #episode 8 #I loved this show and I loved the finale #give me more please!#the colors mean things #color coded boys in love #the color exchange #marriage equality 2026?#apollo get on it!

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too-many-rooks · 24 days

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Spoiler warning: Long rambly notes I took while watching season 3, disclaimer that a lot of this is just character moments/lines I found interesting and initial bones of an au idea for a burgeoning, extremely self indulgent slightly-darker-Alex in season 3 wip I’ve started.

Also it was the middle of the night and I was very tired and wired out of my gourd on some mix of cheap white wine and floods of hyperfixation-sourced dopamine. Also also I only started taking notes at ep 3?

Episode 3

Alex is SUCH a better spy this season than when he began even in the first few episodes prior to SCORPIA training he’s more careful and precise and the team feels better organised - he did so well on that boat I’m so proud of my baby

I’m actually enjoying Tom and Kyra fucking about more than I expected. Tom pulling Kyra together after the boat explosion suprised me by how emotive it was. But I do want them to.. go away. Alex should more isolated/desperate/have NO other choices than SCORPIA.

Everything in Malagosto seems so staged to just see how Alex will react to it all - here’s an unlocked door, here’s an Alex sized vent and a dead spot in the cameras, what are you gonna do about it? +Alex absolutely speaks French I think he’s just not giving that away yet

Oh yes yes lingering bad touch from Julia Rothman hitting the right notes even though that costume is a WILD kaftan moment. Evil carmen sandiago/noir femme fatale aesthetic where are you I miss you so much

Ohhhh Julia saying Ian walked away and abandoned him and that was what hit him worst oh my goooooooooood

(Outfit change from julie mean day change or is she just a multiple outfits a day kinda person. Believable, I guess)

Julia’s gaslighting I ssoooo crazy ‘we trust you. We want you.’ After having his closest people not trust him, and now maybe questioning if Ian even wanted him!

Julia fucking loved this, she’s totally thrilled by her own power. Queen 👸🏻.

God Jones and the department is going THROUGH IT THIS SEASON, just suddenly surrounded by corpses

Julia : offers irrefutable proof, upsets him, then presses him to continue believing what he did before and belittling his objections - very subtle but more firm tone of voice, less motherly/accepting, very clear that the noose around Alex’s neck is always there.

She’s so delighted at the prospect of making Alex into the perfect soldier

Julia: “I want you to meet your tutor”

Me: ‘here he here he comes here he comes.’ And then I threw of my blanket, pushed myself onto my knees, and started bouncing and palm clapping in sheer delight. I basically never happy stim like this but MY GOD the flood of dopamine is IMMENSE.

More manic laughter at the start of episode 4 realising I’m about to see John and young Yassen. Nicuragua! 18 years ago!

God nervous baby Yassen with a gun

HES!! SO!!! BABY!!!

Baby boy already got his colour scheme locked down

Baby Yassen has curls - is it just the humidity or maybe does he have naturally curly hair that he straightens so he looks less cute?

Johns actor has a real resemblance to Ian (and Jack Lowden) but less so to otto

Ohoho scar moment scar moment bc Yassen was nervous and fucked up two people one bullet

“Close your eyes” as I tell these people I’m going to shoot you and have faith

God cut to adult Yassen WATCHING ALEX SLEEP LOOKING SO INTENSE

“Leave the past behind us.” “Ian rider was a professional. It was not personal it was my job.” “Think of this as a school and your dead by the end of the day” (actual honesty for the first time)

Alex not committing to being able to work with Yassen is perfect

Yassen taking Alex TO HIS KNEES so easily besties not been slowed down too much by a bullet to the chest

Soaking wet!!!!!!!!

Alex shooting scene amazing, as was Yassen bursting into his room immediately after for a murder pep talk. Alex has no privacy privileges from Yassen

Yassen removing the humanity from his targets, names/faces/lives are irrelevant, they are just blank targets. “One day you’ll have to murder them.”

“That’s not gonna happen”

Yassen *be so ffr rn face*

Really interesting to see the other side of the department covering up an agent death and lying to the family - I like the department with more humanity/emotional resonance than pure ruthlessness

Shitty Malagosto communal dorm room and matching drab grey hoodies my beloved

Shame there’s no ‘your not afraid of a little prick are you?’ ‘I wouldn’t call you that’ line. (But switching out the ‘getting vaccinated will implant you with secret nano tech that will kill you’ plottline probs a good idea)

Ooooh Julia creepily poisoning him so excited making me think of her delighting in drugging him in a cocktail of ‘let me take care of you’ ways

Yassen pulling rank to break up the fight!!

Ooh Nile wants to take down Yassen so bad.

Toms film skills coming in clutch recording/ documenting things so Alex will be taken seriously, glad to see him be… less of a dead weight to the team

Begrudgingly-impressed-at-Alex Yassen, even with the “come on that’s a bad idea”, “yeah, but!” Teenagerisms

Yassen’s core (suppressed) emotions: fear, doubt, panic

Alex: love, hope, friendship (okay dear, 🙄 but remember you’re literally becoming an assassin why are you so niave all of a sudden?)

Alex insisting John saved him bc he had compassion and was his friend and that Yassen’s rejection of that makes him lonely oh oh my heart my heart

I LOVE how much fun Nile has being evil at his job, which is threatening children.

Episode 5

Oh my god HIT HIM ALEX where do you think you are? How do you think you’ll actually manage to get those trainees to trust you? Stop whining and hit the man with a wooden sword, christ

Smithers (in reference to Alex) “he’s out there being a teenager because of us” *cut to Alex, very much in danger, contemplating his capacity to kill*

Julia: “no one leaves,” [scorpia, me, interchangeable to her]

mission with Yassen!

Packing for the mission with Yassen!!!

Yassen can’t read his handwriting!!!

“You’ve put… lockpick?”

“I left my last one in Nile. “

Alex bitching about his meagre gadgets at point Blanc 💯

Matching tactical turtlenecks!!!

“I don’t want you to fail. I don’t want you to die.”

Alex and Yassen are a team but Yassen gives Alex command of them oh boysieeeee

Again glad they dropped the vaccine bit: vaccines aren’t dangerous, but vaping is!!

Of on a road trip with Yassen!!

A murder road trip!

Love Kyra seeing the shot and the body - I know why it didn’t happen but I do kinda wish for a more corrupted violent Alex coerced/bargained into firing it himself

That Tom confrontation was great - I do want to see it as like a ‘your getting in my way’ intentional cruelty to push him away and keep him safe when Alex is too deep in SCORPIA to be deluded about thinking he can go home

Alex rejects intimacy with Julia and she cracks down her authority ‘no one leaves’

Ep 6

Love Alex spooky in the cemetery, SCORPIA hot on his heels

Sharing a grotty safe house together god SO GOOD

“We trust each other. You should try it sometime.”

“If it’s not emotional why do you do it?”

“Because it’s my job. (Identity/life/personal connections/sacrificed everything for) I work for SCORPIA. I’m good at it. You could be too.” Olive branch of intimacy - wants alex to be more like him, so they can be equals, can share this life that he apparently finds satisfaction in, not thinking or making decisions beyond how best to achieve his goal/finish the task(/order)assigned to him/subject himself to feeling emotions/thinking about his life beyond his attempts to depersonalise himself as just a weapon - just a professional with no emotions, and that that is fundamentally who he is. Evidently having some inconvenient feelies about Alex tho.

Oh no his delivery disguise makes him look like a caveman. Glad he took off the accessories for the Jones confrontation, his hair actually looks great there all tousled. (Beginning to realise how important characters hair is to me bc I still hate Julia’s I want some dark perfect waves this Bob is ough)

I’m really glad they settled on Yassen NOT knowing about John - he twists it that John didn’t betray him bc he had nothing to gain from being kind to him, so it wasn’t false, but he is so 100% loyal to John, eager to twist any criticism. I do wish we’d seen more of their relationship, but expecting some Russian roulette bits was overly optimistic

“I know my place” he’s IMMEDIATELY off to rescue his boy (actually, where did he go? All of that last episode I was just WHAT ABOUT YASSEN? Was he just plotting a rescue that didn’t need to happen and waiting for his boy to show up?)

Dare I say… good for blunt? Stephen dillane is just so charming I can’t help but like him. And you see some flashes of his ruthlessness like when he talks to Greif but he’s not a 24/7 conniving monster. Also Jones in charge and Alex possibly (definitely) returning to spy work in a couple of years? I like that. Totally abandoning it would have felt unsatisfying.

Loved that moment on the roof - missed opportunity for them to awkwardly wave at each other, but I’m so happy I predicted wrongly and Yassen gets to live and walk away and put down his weapons. There’s so much space for how they can reconnect in that.

#alex rider #alex rider spoilers #Alex rider season 3 spoilers

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tategaminu · 5 months

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“They are both equally important to each other and their development but Rayla is the one who gets the insults…”

What’s even more annoying about this is not only does Rayla get ridiculed for something Callum also does, that particular set of fans will also straight up deny that Rayla is Callum’s priority. “Oh, he would’ve found a way to connect to the Ocean with or without her as motivation. There were other factors in him deciding to do dark magic again.”

No. It was about Rayla, and pretty much only Rayla.

THIS

What kind of bs is "there were other factors" like my guy!! are you watching the show with a blindfold on? sure, he probably wanted all of them to get out of the boat but Rayla was the trigger

A thing I have also seen in fandoms is people trying to invalidate male characters' feelings for a girl, for whatever reason I don't understand. I will always find incredibly beautiful a male character treating a female character as an equal, not as the fairer sex or stuff like that, as an equal who he loves, and we see this with Callum, he has never ever treated Rayla as lesser than him, she's his priority alongside Ezran and that's super beautiful. I will always have a soft spots for guys being the most lovable and protective people towards their girls you know? not because they are girls but because they know they deseve love, so seeing people totally invalidate that feels so wrong to me.

S5 and S2 parallel each other, in S2 we saw Callum connect to an arcanum because he did ark magic for Rayla, sure he also did it for himself to feel useful but it was mostly to save Rayla, season 5 shows it even more clear. We only see Rayla and Callum wanting to scape when they see the other in danger, the reason Finnegrin even wants to throw Rayla to the leviathan is because Callum punched him because he was hurting Rayla, and he was hurting Rayla because he tried to beat his ass for hurting Callum.

We can see Callum letting himself get beaten and still refusing to do dark magic and give the spell to kill Domina away, it's only when Finnegru says he will feed Rayla to the fishes we see Callum BREAK. He tells him the spell right away. He could have invented a different spell but he was too desesperate to save Rayla he told him the whole truth. He could have done dark magic any other moment but it's after this moment when he does, and then he goes straight up to save Rayla, then just as in season 2, he figures out the arcanum after doing dark magic for her, but this time also thanks to the poem A LOVE POEM who he recited before in ep 1 TO RAYLA. The proof is all there like seriously, he can figure out the arcanum because he loves her, it is as clear as day.

He tells her "I would do anything for you" which it's directly shown in this whole episode. Callum is terrified of doing dark magic, not only because it breaks his morals but because he's scared it could make Rayla dislike him and because it would be an step further for Aaravos to possess him, (tho I'm not sure if he fully knows dark magic is what allows Aaravos to possess him at all, maybe he suspects it) we can see how people like Claudia who do way too much dark magic lose a bit of themselves, Callum is probably afraid of that as well and yet he still does because Rayla is more important to him than whatever the consecuences might be.

There are people out there who believe he wouldn't risk the world for her and stuff but c'mon, this guy would risk the entire universe, he is extremely loyal and proctective, his love for the ones closest to him make him twist his morals because he treasures them more than anything (Rayla and Ez that's it). Rayla has been shown as his achilles heel and we will see even more this plays out. I can't believe there are people who can't see it, everyone has their own way to interpret media sure but somes things are just SO clear, like imagine looking at Zym and going "I don't think he is a dragon, he could be a rat", no.

In a summary, I want people to cut slack on those two, mostly Rayla. It would be cool to treat her like an actual good written character and not trying to invalidate her or her relationship with Callum. The show characterizes them and their relationship so well, they are such complex people and I can't believe we have to deal with those kind of comments.

#let callum love rayla 2024 #leave rayla be herself 2024 #i need to let these big feelings out from time to time #god i get so heated up but damn #imagine if i put this much effort into my life eh #mandaloriandragontrainer #thanks you are great #rayla #callum #rayllum #tdp

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unlikelyjapan · 9 months

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s2e4 rewatch notes

I'm a bit tired, please forgive the typos:

At the intro, we get a montage of the permits and files and drills, the sense of urgency - the furiousness of the work and notes begging Carmy for something (that was probably already set on his list in the last episode). I guess I stopped paying attention to the timelines - they're now 7 weeks out with no walls and we haven't really gotten into the meat of the series yet - meaning we don't really see Carmy flake the fuck out until 1 month from opening.

Sugar's "don't tell anyone - this is my problem" bit is so sad, watching her castigate herself for bringing another her/carmy/mikey/donna/their dad into the world. I also hate the way such a heavy moment was turned into such a "womp womp - wall fell" moment, as the situation (and Sugar) deserved a lot more gravitas.

But this is a show through the male lens. Richie feels vindicated that he "guessed it". Carmy doesn't know how to show his concern (and to be fair, she'd probably pummel him if he expressed anything in that moment), but the fact that he still lets his sister shoulder so much of the restaurants burdens alone through the rest of the series shows the level he disassociates from his family (even his only caring/loving family member) at every turn.

Marcus is such a good son - I hope in season 3 we get a (posthumous, I presume) look at who his mother was, what shaped his character, how his brother/father play a role (if any) in his current family dynamic etc.

The Chester + Marcus pairing is a magical talisman that protects the show from a deluge of male-on-male emotional evasion, jousting and toxic co-dependency. I don't care that Chester is about as believable as Claire as a character, mainline that shit into my veins.

I love that Carmy ensured that Marcus would have the identical experience he had when he staged in Copenhagen (as described in Fishes to Mikey) - this is in no way coincidental, he would have had to make plenty of arrangements/requests to Marie for things to play out that way. He wanted Marcus to see Copenhagen through the same magical lens he did, knowing Marcus needed the inspiration and a break from his own version of family strife.

The invisible cat (Coco), the looming presence of Marcus' mom on the viewers minds, and the bike scene are three great examples of things that feel foreboding (like the other shoe is going to drop on Marcus) but never actually amount to anything. Whether existential or hopeful, I like it.

"Do you know how to make Shisho Gelee?" - this is such a gentle test to see how insecure Marcus is in this environment. Passing him the recipe as he's googling was an awesome act of amnesty. It immediately brings out Marcus' curiosity in the next scenes - he's asking all the right questions and looks so joyful when Luca gives him concise answers.

The scenes played out to Otis Redding's "I've Been Loving You Too Long", starting with "You're tired - and you want to be free" playing as Marcus walks home. Temporarily free from the impending death of his mother at home after a long illness. Free from the constraints of the (up until now) low-level jobs Marcus' has held down in kitchens with minimal inspiration and nowhere to go. Free from loneliness? The next cut is Sydney interviewing staff, as if on cue.

The quenelle - the heavy-lovin' part of the song as Marcus' is immersed in his work with Luca, falling in love with the ritualization of his craft. Things in Marcus' life haven't exactly been going right, but this is a place of solace. He follows this up by calling his Mom - professing his love for his craft, as well as for her.

Sidebar: The minty snickers bar is almost a sexual release scene during the ballad. I get why so many folks were led down the road to hell that is Marcus x Luca fanfic, as weird as I think that is (no hate! do you!)

The song ends with the pastry dissection on the boat. This man found love/spiritual release in Copenhagen, just like Carmy. "Mission accomplished, I guess."

Fak saying "Dude! We're best friends, we don't tell secrets!" re: the alliance stuff. So....every dude at The Beef/Bear is his best friend, Sugar is Mommy, and Sydney (and Tina, for that matter) are ????

I feel like Fak may be the thing that continues to insulate The Beef/The Bear as a Berzatto clubhouse for wayward boys at this juncture, but I'm originally from Canada (and thus have been force-fed Matty Matheson a.k.a Fak-Light since the mid-aughts) so there's probably some bias creeping in here.

Luca started as a chef 14 years ago. If he entered the profession and competed against Carmy at the same level/experience as a high-school graduate, that makes him and Carmy in the rough age range of 29-32, adjusting for education sans A-levels in the UK. We can put away that screenrant article and die in peace now.

Mikey was "Really tight, but also really out of his fucking mind, and he wanted to open a bakery". Something something Berzatto parallels.

Luca says "I've got a younger sister, somewhere, yeah" after asking about Marcus' family. Luca's got a case of the family damage, the trouble in school, a past-tense case of the ferocious mopes - all the same watermarks as Carmy. Meanwhile, Marcus was just sharing his mothers prognosis, and speaks of his brother with no ill will (even though he doesn't appear to be in the caretaking position with his mom) - are they foreshadowing that Marcus' doesn't have the damage that makes a truly great/ritualized/masochistic chef in the long run?

Luca's may have learned more lessons in life than Carmy has (in part by being thwarted by Carmy) but the habits borne out of family evasion/searching for something else are so engrained with that backstory. Or maybe Marcus' represents the happier/new way of doing things, breaking the toxic cycle (more thoughts on this down the line).

Luca worked to keep up with Carmy after he came to a place of acceptance that he'd never be the best, and that ended up being enough for him. Maybe a blessing is that Marcus' gets to sidestep the whole toxic cycle and just absorb knowledge (from Luca, from Carmy, from Syd) - he's not in a running position, just like Tina.

But of course, we never worry about Tina - she's too self-possessed. Marcus is emotional and easily influenced, so I have a feeling his narrative could turn on a dime.

Luca says "At a certain stage, it becomes less about skill and more about being open....." In summary:

Marcus - Open, but I fear could easily become closed in the wrong environment/trauma.

Carmy - Closed, doesn't really understand how to open when not hiding behind the guise of the restaurant/Syd/emotional fabrications

Sydney - Wants open, but always closes instinctively for self-protection.

Natalie - Open, with the limited emotional tools she has at her disposal.

Richie - *learning* to open, but that's a long fucking road.

Tina - Open

"It helps to have good people around you, too" - see above. The Bear represents the inherent goodness of people, with familial history run roughshod over it.

Marcus asking "Was It worth it? The time you put in" quickly followed by Luca saying "I dunno....ask me tomorrow"

Isn't this the feeling of fecklessness that almost everyone has with their creative craft being converted to labor? There's been a lot of theories floating around that Carmy doesn't like cooking anymore/never liked cooking - could it just be the long-standing feeling of irrelevance when you've taken a deep-dive into your craft for so long that you can't see the forest (inspiration, caring for people) through the trees (red tape, skill level, trauma etc.)?

The man on the bike could also represent saving someone the way that Marcus can't save his mom - it alleviates some of the feelings of powerlessness, and the exchange of comfort in the hug a reciprocity he can no longer experience with her.

"Are you sure you want to get back on the bike?"

A bad thing happened, but the man feels compelled to keep moving - as Marcus said to Syd in S1 "just keep moving" - there are a bunch of metaphors for just proceeding with the restaurant here.

Syd is literally just being goofy and talking to Marcus like a friend when he first calls - I guess I imagined there being a little more heat/aloofness there on her behalf, but it's giving friend-zone. She wouldn't act so familiar if there was a crush, I don't feel its in her DNA....

Marcus sharing the nightmare about his mom's impending death with Sydney is huge (again, the other shoe dropping) - Sydney tries to give an empathetic response (she's not great at anything with a whiff of mortality to it, but she approaches the topic with optimism) and caps it off with a "ugghh - I miss you man" as a reassuring gesture - he's her friend and a great source of comfort.

He nods quietly, waits a beat, and says "I miss you too" - and you can tell the pregnant pause has let Syd know that there's gravity/consequences to her words. She diffuses with the freeze humor because what the hell else are you going to do once a guy tells you about his dying mom nightmare, you spurt out a casual "I miss you bro" and he responds back tenderly that he misses you too. Unenviable.

"Okay, goodnight dude" - Syd hangs up immediately. Oof. Everyone talks about Syd getting a love interest in season 3 to level the stakes with Carmy, but I want Marcus' to bag a hot expediter or something just so there's a bit of joy in his life without a crazy dramatic subplot ensuing.

The mild smile on Marcus' face is so peaceful when he masters the dessert. It's such a quiet satisfaction you can only get when you create things. What a nice way to end the episode.

Holy crap, this was far too long. If you stuck it out, thank you!

#the bear fx #the bear season 2 #the bear spoilers #the bear #carmen berzatto #carmy berzatto #marcus brooks #syd x carmy #marcus the bear #the bear s2

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morkofday · 4 months

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Hello 🤗 Which were your top 5 moments when you just knew the person on screen was in love?

i'm very sorry i'm a bit late with this but you know, life :'D i thought about this already before but only had the time to make this into a post now!

My Top 5 BL WhippedTM Moments

(or where i knew they were in love/feeling something/some type of way about a situation – sorry i took some liberties here)

I. Mork fixing Day's hair in Last Twilight episode 3

i know this doesn't exactly fit (maybe?) bc i cannot say if mork is quite in love here yet but this scene is glorious in showing a character realize they have feelings. the way mork pauses and just keeps stroking day's hair and wondering his face, if he likes it, if he likes him, and then has to snap out of it bc he gets so into his head – it's amazing. i love this scene. and it shows that mork did fall first, argue with the wall.

II. Yai seeing Jom for the first time in I Feel You Linger in the Air episode 1 & 2

sorry i couldn't find the exact moment as a gif so this will have to do. i just love how in the first episode, when yai first sees jom drop into the water from the boat, you can already see he's in love. i never questioned that it wasn't love at first sight for him – bc it so obviously was. he was gone the moment his eyes landed on jom and i really gotta admire the actor (bright? is that his name?) for so perfectly showing that.

III. Jaewon watching Jihyun fall asleep on his shoulder in The Eights Sense episode 2

these two are less obvious about their feelings bc of, well, reasons, but you can see it all here. i know jaewon goes through a journey before really accepting himself and those feelings, but jihyun is so comfortable about his own. but in this moment, you can see jaewon's walls cracking right open. he's extremely fond. and he's happy to have this moment, to be close to jihyun like this. also, i am just weak for sleeping scenes.

IV. Tien watching over Lomfon when he's sick in La Pluie episode 10

this is a perfect scene combining a character being sick, them falling asleep, and another character pining for them. you can see how badly in love tien is with lomfon at this point and it's astounding considering where they started. tien used to hate lomfon's guts with a passion but was the first one to realize and accept his feelings for him. i think in this scene you can see how much it hurts him to feel this way while lomfon is still figuring it all out.

V. Joke digs his own grave with Zo in Hidden Agenda episode 3

it always amuses me to no end when a character who has a secret crush insists on putting themselves into Situations with their secret crush. bc in most occasions, that backfires when they cannot handle those situations. that's joke as a character. and i love this scene for how ridiculous it is bc joke knows what he's doing and then he's the one who runs away from it. he's so stupid. it's adorable.

Bonus: Gun Gawin with Boss Cher in Our Skyy 2 x A Boss and a Babe episode 1

idk i just adore the look gun gives cher any time he has a chance. this man is so gone. he is so content just watching his bf be silly and adorable. you can literally see the hearts in his eyes and the syrup dripping from his lips. what a sap.

thank you so much for this ask and happy new year to you!! ♥

#last twilight #i feel you linger in the air #the eighth sense #la pluie #hidden agenda #a boss and a babe #our skyy 2 #this was a very good question!!#sorry i went a bit off topic with it tho #also i obviously forgot a ton of moments #bc gosh i love these type of moments the most ♥#have an amazing upcoming year!!

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tarotoftheendless · 6 months

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Tom Sturridge: A Review

Disclaimer: I have ADHD, so, please forgive me if I jump around and go on tangents... I have lots of thoughts about this man and his projects, so....

At this point I have seen almost everything the man has been in. And I have thoughts about most of his work. I may have to do this review in parts as some of his work I need to re-watch in order to get my true thoughts out on it.

Firstly, Tom seems to enjoy choosing projects that are obscure, which I can appreciate. It fits in line with him not wanting to be in the spotlight and kind of live a more private life. In fact, The Sandman is both in line with the sentiment and yet isn't at the same time.

It kind of reminds me of Adam Driver and his filmography... and then Star Wars happened. Granted, Adam Driver has since been in the spotlight more, but he sure was uncomfortable with the attention when he was in Star Wars.

And I think Tom is the same. Not only does Tom come of as neurodivergent (it is just a speculation, not confirmed... I have observed his mannerisms and the way he speaks from many video interviews...), but he is introverted, doesn't have social media (though he might have at one point, though I think he got rid of all of it when his daughter was very young). There is something about him that screams "Don't perceive me" even with all the modeling he has done and him serving cunt on the Red Carpet. He does acting for the art not the fame, and I think he is handling The Sandman the same way. He always seems so uncomfortable at Cons... actually, it reminds me of how Jensen Ackles used to be at Supernatural Cons...

Anyway, I am sure I could go on and on about Tom himself, but I have thoughts about his films and shows. I will not be review The Sandman though... it's been done to death and I really don't feel like weighing in on it right now. But I would love to discuss in the comments about Tom himself with other Tom lovers if ya'll have something that you feel should be brought up about him.

I have seen the following projects of Tom's:

The Sandman - Dream/Dream of the Endless/Morpheus

2. Sweetbitter - Jake

3. Irma Vep - Eamonn - this was basically just a glorified cameo

4. Skin - Nathan

5. Velvet Buzzsaw - Jon Dondon - almost another glorified cameo

6. 3 Way Junction - Carl

7. Hello Apartment - Adam - basically a cameo... a sexy cameo...

8. Mary Shelley - Lord Byron

9. Double Date - John - a goth pretentious musician cameo

10. Remainder - Tom

11. Far From a Maddening Crowd - Sergeant Francis Troy

12. Effie Gray - John Everett Millais

13. On The Road - Carlo Marx

14. Junkhearts - Danny

15. Waiting for Forever - Will Donner

16. The Boat The Rocked/Pirate Radio - young Carl

17. Like Minds/Murderous Intent - Nigel Colbie

18. FairyTale: A True Story - Hob (A Fair) - cameo

I tried watching Journey's End and it was slow and depressing, so I never finished it... and I plan on watching Hollow Crown... but those episodes are basically films in themselves, so, that'll take forever... and I can't find a way to watch A Waste of Shame...

I have thoughts on many of these shows/films, so I will go though them in no particular order. And I might not have much to say about all of them because either there isn't much to say or I need to watch them again to fully be able to give my thoughts on them.

SWEETBITTER

Jake is a traumatized 30 something bartender that hides behind sex, drugs, and alcohol... and he has no idea how traumatized he really is because the one person that has continued the trauma for him has also been his savior, according to him... and he has to believe that in order to cope with his life, his choices and what actually happened to him. He was absolutely groomed by Simone, and before the show got cancelled I really think they were gonna go there with his character.

I love Jake. I both love his bad boy tendencies, but what makes me love him more is who he is beyond that, beneath that. The episode where is really opens up with Sasha was really eye-opening. He is struggling, and he has to believe that Simone is his lifeline because otherwise his whole life has been based on a lie, "No one knows you like I do", which is word for word what domestic violence abusers say to their victims. He truly believes that Simone fixes things, he has to believe that otherwise he'll fall apart. Much like Frodo has to believe that there is good in Gollum, Jake has to believe that Simone is actually his protector. Everything falls apart if Jake faces reality, hence drowning in the sex, drugs and alcohol. The lies are better than the truth.

He hates himself and doesn't believe that he deserves love, so he believes Simone's narrative of being damaged and dangerous because it is easier than really breaking away from her control and standing on his own two feet.

It makes me sad that we will never get a season 3 of Sweetbitter because Jake was such a beautiful and fascinating character, far more than Tess. I don't think I would have wanted Jake to actually be with Tess in the long run, I think Tess was also wanting Jake to fill a role so Tess herself could grow and use him a stepping-stone forward, a "been there, done that" sort of thing. Tess liked the bad boy, and she tried to make it seem like she wanted to help him but I still think it was for her own gain rather than actually wanting to help Jake, and that is why she would have ultimately lost him. He would run to what he has always known; Simone. Jake needs someone that gives him space to breathe for once. Someone that sees him and hears him and helps him see the truth without wanting anything from him in return. He needs permission to live, truly, for himself rather than for others that always want something from him. He needs therapy and better coping skills... cuz yeah not being sober and burying his dick in everything he can is not helping him at all.

So, really, that's review of the character... and I think Tom did a great job playing an aloof yet interested character that is a bad boy. The song 'Hot n Cold' by Katy Perry fits him quite nicely, I think.

The Boat That Rocked/Pirate Radio

So, I saw this film years ago, probably around 2018/2019, before I had any idea who the fuck Tom Sturridge was. I remember liking it.

Then I watched again after seeing The Sandman and I have grown a lot in my leftist views... and oh boy... this film is so sexist, homophobic and really super okay with SA it is scary... Tom has gone on record saying he would never do the 'Switch' in real life, but holy fuck that is some toxic shit.

As far as young Carl goes, I don't think casting a 23 year old Tom Sturridge was the right move if they wanted the audience to believe he was a virgin. Tom has always been gorgeous, and this film is no exception. And he got expelled for smoking, cigarettes and weed if the implications the film made are correct, making him a bad boy sort of. Girls and guys alike would have gone feral for him. As awkward as he is, it is more charming than anything else.

He should not have forgiven Marianne and he absolutely shouldn't have forgiven Dave. He also shouldn't have been okay with SA of a woman that would've had seemingly no idea that someone else was having sex with her other than the person she wanted to have sex with. I know that we all love young Carl, and I still do and will, but he really shouldn't be let off the hook for considering and almost going through with an SA all because he didn't want to be a virgin anymore.

All in all, I don't believe young Carl would've actually been a virgin because of Tom Sturridge portraying him, but also, the toxic shit that he goes along with shouldn't be over-looked either.

I love this film and Tom's character, but yeah, 2009 was a different time...

Waiting for Forever

So, this film is basically unwatchable... except for Tom's Will Donner... and even then, we have got to talk about the toxicity of this film.

Will Donner is basically a Manic Pixie Dream Boy... and his mental health issues are not only not named but they are handled poorly and without care. AND STALKING IS NOT CUTE OR ROMANTIC. Period. He should not have gotten the girl in the end. That gives the wrong message... like oh yes, we need more incels thinking they can just try and try and follow women and be quirky and then they will wear us down enough for us to see how romantic it was all along.

Now, that being said, I do think that Will is neurodivergent, ADHD and autistic specifically, with PTSD/C-PTSD as well as some sort of delusional disorder that has him speaking to people/ghosts that aren't really there... not schizophrenia exactly, but close to it. And I really think that he had no idea that what he was doing with the stalking because of his mental health issues. He didn't know any better... still that is no excuse and Emma should not have chosen him in the end.

Will Donner has no idea who Emma is. He has an idea of who he thinks she is in his head and that is who he is in love with. It was 2011 and men in films often were rewarded for being in love with a woman even if he has no idea who she really is... and that is a problem. Will, as precious and charming as he is, should not have been rewarded for loving his idea of who Emma is... and he really should not have been rewarded for his stalking... I love Will, he is a cinnamon roll of a man, and I get he has mental health issues, I too have ADHD and autism, but he should have had to work through his own toxicity before Emma would ever consider him... but I really don't think Emma should have ever chosen him.

And that brings me to Emma... as toxic as Will is, Emma never deserved his love. She does not deserve him at all. Will was a last resort to her. She had to loose her father and find out her ex was a murderer before even considering Will as an option. And she is a cheater... Will does not come off as the type that would be open to anything other than complete loyalty and monogamy... at least if he is with Emma. I would think trust issues would be abundant in their relationship, which is a shit foundation for any relationship.

As far as the film goes... I am sorry, but it is not good. If we followed Will only, maybe it would have been better, but all the B-plots with Emma and her family and everything really tanked the film. Will and Emma have no chemistry... yeah, I love Tom and he played the character well, but yeah... not his finest choice in film. I would watch his character literally in anything else other than the film we got.

I also wanted to punch Will's brother in the throat. 2011 really had a fuck ton of stigmas towards neurodivergent folks and this film just reiterated that.

Like Minds/Murderous Intent

So, I watched this after The Sandman hype... and oh boy...

This film came out in 2006 and in Hollywood the only way you could be gay is if you were a villain... or magic... and Nigel nor Alex were not magic... so...

This film is so homoerotic that it hurts... I think if they had just kissed... or better yet, fucked, that would have solved everything. No murder... no incest... no necrophilia... just gay butt fucking.

But Nigel is a psychopath. And I am not sure if it started with Alex or not... Nigel seems to think that Alex was the one that was fucked up and then they had a mind-meld... and Nigel just was more okay with going with it than Alex was? Honestly, this film is confusing... because the narrator is unreliable. Who knows what the truth really was. Maybe Alex was right, maybe Nigel was... maybe both... either way, Alex ends up accepting it and being a toxic evil fucker too, so...

Also, Nigel and Dream are not the same at all... I am weirded out by everyone relating the two characters together. Nigel is a psychopath... Dream is just dark... and toxic sometimes, but Dream is not a psychopath. Ugh. They are not the same, fucking hell.

Junkhearts

So... Tom's character in this is almost worse than Nigel... Danny is fucked up. Not only is he having sex with a minor, but yeah, the drugs and taking advantage of a vet was beyond fucked up. I am glad that Tom said that he took the role because Danny was so different from himself... which thank fuck that's the case because Danny is a nightmare. Though gurl.... that sex scene? Jesus... if Jake had you blushing with all his sex scenes, Danny has you dripping... and you know what the fuck I mean. Damn. I was watching this film with my partner and yeah, I had to take a moment afterwards to try to stop having my cheeks so red. It made me feel things I didn't exactly want to feel...

But yeah, fuck Danny... I don't think he should've been murdered in the end, but he was a terrible character.

I am not sure if this film was great... or even if Danny was necessary to tell the story, but yeah... maybe I will have to watch this film again to have more to say about it later.

Irma Vep

Ugh. I was kinda pissed that I had to watch 8 hours of this show and we only got Tom for about what, 15 minutes? Ugh! And he is hot... and toxic. A cheater and a liar. And him and Kristen Stewart? I want to know the history there so bad, because we all know that Tom and Robert Pattinson are besties... and then Tom has worked with Kris on the film On The Road too... and then he is taking her pants off and kissing her like that in this show? Fucking hell... makes me think Tom and her may have... idk, history beyond Kris dating Rob? There have been rumors... but idk how much of it is true... and old social media profiles have been abandoned and I am unsure if they are real or not, but there might be history... and this show, with Tom's 15 minute glorified cameo raised some questions about that.

Skin

This short film really moved the fuck out of me. I was balling my eyes out by the end of it and I had to sit with it for about an hour after I watched it. Tom's acting ability really shines through in just 11 minutes and it is just him, an Alexa-type voiceover and flashbacks with him and his husband. In 11 minutes. I was blown away by this short film and Tom and if you haven't seen it, you need to. All of the trigger warnings though; death of a loved one, grief, alcoholism, self-harm, suicidal ideation, bulimia-like actions... it's rough and very raw and real. But it is amazing and really shows how amazing Tom really is as an actor. You will cry and be in utter awe at the same time.

Velvet Buzzsaw

This film could have used more Jon Dondon... I do want to watch this again and give a more in depth review of this film and Tom's character in it, but yeah, I loved his South African accent and his pretentious ditzy character. He is funny, sexy and charming. It is a shame that they had to kill off his character.

3 Way Junction

So... this film felt like two films smashed into one and it was weird. Tom was brilliant in it, but I am not sure what the writer(s) was to say... also he would have died... 2 weeks in those conditions and not figuring out how to survive quickly? Yeah, he would have died. No one can survive 2 weeks like that. I do think I need to see this film again to give a better more detailed review on it and Tom's character.

Mary Shelley

I do need to see this film again... but I remember Tom's Lord Byron being sexy and amazing and well worth the re-watch for all Tom Sturridge lovers.

Effie Gray

The film is kinda boring, I'll be honest. But I do love Tom in this film. He plays a hopeless romantic well. It fits him quite well. I don't have much else to say about it than that. I did see this film for the first time before I knew who Tom Sturridge was, I love period piece films, so yeah. Watched it again recently, and I loved him in it, but yeah, the film itself is kinda boring.

Far From a Maddening Crowd

OMG! I wanted to flip a table when I realized he faked his own death. And then he comes back because he wants money? Bitch! He deserved a shot gun to the chest, damn. What a bitch. A hot sexy bitch that kisses women and grabs 'em by the pussy and then leaves, but a little bitch nonetheless. Tom, coming in and serving cunt and then dying. Goddamn.

Remainder

I had no idea that Tom kisses a man in this film... I just watched it because it had Tom as the main character... and then that kiss happened... probably the sexiest thing I've ever seen. Fuck. I do need to watch this film over again to really get a feel for... well all of it... more. This film was confusing as fuck and it deserves a re-watch for a better understanding of the story and Tom's character...Tom...

There other films on the list of stuff I've watched but not all of them really need a review... at least not right now.

Does anyone else have any thoughts or comments of these films and or shows? What about Tom in general? I kinda just want to gush with Tom Sturridge lovers about his roles and just him in general. I know I could have gone more in depth on some of his roles, but I think some of his roles have stood out more than others.

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hikennosabo · 4 months

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#tristampparty day 6, episode 6: once upon a time in hopeland

THE HALFWAY POINT OF @tristampparty BABY!!! this is another episode i've watched multiple times on its own so... LET'S GOOOOO

and we start right out the gate with

wolfwood vial count: 2

i don't think i need to keep saying that masaya onosaka is the radio dj... he's been a constant...

LOL, LMAO, EVEN

"disposal," though... we know all about the last run, but what else does disposal entail. like what do they do with the. um. the corpse? and the word "disposal"... yeesh...

so they say, even though it's obvious bullshit. but i do wonder. conrad is in charge of july, EoM's base is in july, etc etc... but how many people actually know what's going on? who does "the july government" consist of besides conrad? what about the civilians living in the city? EoM's cover is flimsy at best, they're suspicious as hell, so how deep and how far does the propaganda machine reach that this can just... keep going on?

all this planet has is radio and newspapers, no TV, no internet, and everyone is struggling just to survive... we saw just last ep how EoM had a grip on one village to the point where it was normalized to sacrifice children... just how good are they at controlling information? jeez. roberto and meryl's job as reporters is more important than ever.

we see that part of wolfwood's designated role is to go after deserters and traitors, so that's another way of controlling information, but. he's just one guy. so they probably have more assassins than just him. maybe the rest of the ghg that we haven't seen yet? there's livio, too, but... how long has he been with EoM at this point? the timeline's so unclear on this, i don't know... we know it took "months" between wolfwood being taken by them and his escape attempt + livio(/razlo) joining, but we don't know how long ago that was either... presumably it would also take "months" for the experiments to be done on livio, or maybe even less time? uhhhhh (steam comes out of my ears from thinking too hard)

......i'm less than 3 minutes into the episode. let's continue.

it's cute that they shrug simultaneously. mad at each other but still in sync... :')

no idea why the orphanage would be highlighted on the map except for foreshadowing purposes, but it looks like the steamer stops at... uh... *squints* taradiddlescoast... deucedump?!... orange bazoo... who tf is naming these places?!

:') aha. ahahahahaha. ahahhahahahaha. ah. uah. ue. ueeeeeeaaahhh

we already know that the sandsteamer route passes by the orphanage. so i like that there's a sandsteamer visible in the distance. very nice subtle attention to detail here

i feel like people are always quick to point out that livio and wolfwood being siblings is specific to stampede only but i DON'T care, this is my FAVORITE interpretation of their relationship, i really love it so much and think it enhances the narrative and nicely contrasts the relationship between vash and knives. orange was SO big brained for this and i'm not kidding. they're brothers in the manga too, to me.

the dub line here is "stop, livio! he's not who hurt you!" which just tears me into a million pieces, thanks!

...if i remember correctly... the "great sand ocean" is called as such because things just sink into it, right? (hmm... wonder how many crashed ships sank into the sand ocean...) hence the boat-like vehicles that are used to cross it. as we can see, the bad lads gang uses what look like windsurfers. and yet wheeled vehicles seem to fare just fine...?!

we never see what the test is. huh... i'm reminded of the promised neverland all of a sudden

nicholas gets selected and the bell rings... can i point something out? the bell's presence in scenes... what the bell represents... it has the EoM logo on it. well, so does the building. but notably, we see the bell in the scene with livio and wolfwood on the roof at night and also in the scene of them cuddling which i posted above. they're bonding and they love each other but the eye of michael is quite literally looming over them... and over the orphanage as a whole...

i've already talked about this in my bookclub posts but i want to talk about the orphanage's relationship with EoM again. it's literally run by them... there's NO cover story here, they're CLEARLY suspicious as hell. in the manga, chapel came by himself to pick wolfwood up and the cover story was that they would be repairing churches, right? and everyone genuinely believed he was going off to live a better life. here it's just. a bunch of guys in suits and masks. obviously suspicious. they run the place, so i guess there's no need for a cover story...? but iirc in the manga EoM was also using the orphanage as a "source" for soldiers, right? like i think chapel says something like that, doesn't he? am i misremembering?

i have so many questions. there's no confetti. what does that mean. this is a lot more lowkey than wolfwood's departure in the manga. no cheering, no invitation to come back/saying this is always his home, just... polite waves. and melanie looks... unhappy. how much does she know? how much of a choice does she have here? ...huh. i'm reminded of the promised neverland again.

what does this mean for... y'know. The Scene. like. the confetti is important. the kids loving nicholas so much and cheering while saying goodbye is important. why did orange take those out what are they planning what does it MEAN!!!!

wolfwood is "test subject HL1-06" and i have no idea what that means and we can't determine from this how many kids came before him either.

wolfwood vial count: 3

hi sweetieeeee i love youuuuuu i love youuuuuu

see this gets the gears turning in my head regarding the timeline again. legato says this, and we see some flashforwards (i guess in this context that's what they are) to wolfwood killing people, including the guy from the beginning of this episode and monev from the last episode... (over which legato calls him a loser, lol?! even though that's very much not the reason why wolfwood killed him, and we know it) so how long was wolfwood working for EoM before he was given the job to "babysit" vash?

i already talked about this in one of my bookclub posts but there's the change in livio's motivations, too... he's chasing after wolfwood... as opposed to (razlo) wanting to be needed... what does it mean. man, i really hope orange doesn't do razlo dirty whenever he shows up for real.

THIS CLEARLY ISN'T STRINGS. WHY IS LEGATO'S POWER DIFFERENT IN EVERY VERSION OF TRIGUN I SWEAR TO GOD like it's telekinesis, right?! what does this mean for legato?! and his backstory?! strings are so fitting for him thematically, so i don't know what they could be planning here!!

kouki uchiyama will see a guy with blue hair covering one eye and say "is anyone gonna voice him" and not wait for an answer (and then fight akira ishida over it)

CONRAD I'M GOING TO THROTTLE YOU. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR EXPERIMENTS ARE DOING HUH. HUH!!!!

HGORHGHGHG.GHG. AHGHGGG.HGH.

thinking about the previous episode and eating rocks

livio hears wolfwood's name and that's when he opens his eyes and kicks vash off him... i initially thought maybe he just took the opportunity because vash was distracted, but he was distracted by the military guys right before this, so...?!

say that to knives and see what happens. also hello pretty boy you are so pretty i love you i'm blowing you kisses mwah mwah mwah mwah mwah

whenever legato talks about his confusion over fraternal love i can't help but remember nightow's comment about him maybe having a younger sister. which is interesting to think about but has never been relevant for any version of legato ever... buuuut... with orange's attention to detail, hmmm, who knows...

also i'm obsessed with legato driving hands-free and I AM ONCE AGAIN ASKING HOW HIS POWERS WORK IN THIS VERSION.

*wipes brow* let's end it there i wrote too much. i know i'll have a lot to say about the next episode too. they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming and they don't stop coming

#tristampparty #trigun talk #june speaks

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2offayyo-kzt · 8 months

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50+ random hcs about Sean because I have too much free time :

• One day Charmaine found a strange vase while looking for something in the garage. The next day Sean woke up to see flowers in his bong

• Sean owns a boat that he renamed "the Ocean's 12"

• Sean is the kind of guy who only celebrates Halloween to traumatize children with a real chainsaw

• He has never learned to tie his shoes, and doesn't plan to

• Sean has a lot of sleep disorders (including sleep apnea, insomnia, night terrors, confusional arousals...), so that's one of the reasons he drinks, so he can 'sleep' easily

• He suffers from bipolar disorder (type I), "The Guy Pillow", "the Casino", and "A Night Out With the Guys" were manic episodes, "Pine Barrens" a depressive episode

• The first kiss he shared with Laszlo was on a mechanical bull

• Sean and Charmaine attend couple therapy with the conclusion "put yourself in each other's shoes." Sean took the advice to the letter, wore one of his mom's dress, bought a cheap wig and stole makeup from Charmaine's purse. In the morning Charmaine woke up to see her husband dressed as a woman baking cookies and listening to the Spice Girls. 20 minutes later Charmaine changed into jeans, grabbed a bottle of wine and turned on the TV

• If Sean learns that vampires are real, he'll turn into a conspiracy theorist

• He has a scar from his liver transplant

• He secretly does drag when his wife's not at home, stealing her dresses, heels and make-up

• He owns glasses but never wears them, except when driving at night without passengers

• Sean is color blind, so he always chooses clothes with neutral colours or regular patterns (leopard, military), he is also dyslexic but not diagnosed

• He killed his father when he was a teenager (premeditated)

• Sean has a tribal tattoo on his right arm, 'Charmaine' on his left pec and 'Carpe Diem' written on his lower back

• As a child he was not allowed to watch cartoons so his childhood was forged with VHS of old movies. His favourite was Ocean Eleven 1960, it became his comfort film. He exploded with joy when he learned that there would be a remake (2001) It's also because his father forbade him to watch PBS, that today he only watches sports games and cartoons in front of the TV

• He has been fascinated by the occult and the supernatural since he was a teenager, his father considered it to be bullshit so Sean has always been discreet about it

• Sean gets frequent migraines so he uses essential oils, peppermint or CBD oil. He especially can't stand the smell of nail polish (and remover)

• He and Mikey slept together in college, mainly because they couldn't get any 'chicks'

• Sean lived in Canada for few years, so he knows some French

• He still can't identify the bushes that Laszlo has cut (the vaginas)

• He would never admit it but he loves to sew and crochet, yet he always asks his wife to put the thread in the needle because he can't do it and it makes him furious real quick

• Sean would like to grow a beard but Charmaine can't stand it because it scratches her when they kiss

• While Charmaine is a fucking danger in the kitchen, Sean is excellent, and his favorite dish to cook is lasagne. He uses his cooking skills to sell (edible) cookies in front of universities (it has a great success)

• He's had a string of odd jobs, but now he's the manager of a sex shop

yes I totally based this hc on this image :

• He wears matching underwear with Charmaine (leopard or zebra pattern)

• He has a terrible sense of hygiene; he doesn't brush his teeth because it's "too long", so he only uses mouthwash. To wash his body and hair, he borrows his wife's products, but in the past but he's already used white vinegar for washing himself because it's "more economical". And he only cuts his nails with a pair of scissors

• He has a birthmark on his ass

• He can make a "W" with his tongue

• Charmaine always prepares Sean's baths and makes sure the water is hot, even scalding, because Sean is traumatized by freezing baths (for the same reasons as Gregory in House MD)

• To this day, he's convinced that being pansexual means being attracted to "pans"

• When he was little, his mother forced him to learn the piano, he hated it, so he stopped after a year

• Every time Charmaine sees her husband watching wrestling on TV, she laughs at him saying it's soft porn, her husband's response is "you're not wrong."

• Despite his love of the ocean, he suffers from seasickness

• Sean's biggest fear is having the same baldness as his father, so he buys all kinds of miraculous products he's seen on TV to try and stem the problem

• While Charmaine is a shit at geography, Sean is pretty good

• For a short period of his adolescence he was Satanic, the only trace of which is the inverted pentagram he had scarified on his arm, which is why he always wears long sleeves, to hide his numerous self-inflicted scars

• To reach Sean you have to call him, he never replies to messages, if you're lucky he read, and if you're extra lucky he put an "👍" emoji

• When Sean goes to the bathroom, you don't see him again for at least 30 mins. Charmaine often wondered what Sean did to take so much time to shit, and he simply replied that it was his only moment of peace of the day

• Since he's a "man" he's not supposed to cry, so he only cries in front of movies (his love for the Ocean's trilogy is explained by the fact that it's the only time he allows himself to sob)

• He has a naturally artistic temperament : storytelling, crochet, painting etc...

• When he eats, he always starts with dessert because "the best comes first"

• At the beginning of their relationship, he and Charmaine had a little dog (Toy Poodle) named "Biscuit". One day, Sean almost killed the dog by sitting on it while being stoned (the Sopranos ref)

• He's an energy vampire (only Colin knows about it)

• During the pandemic curfew, he drank hydroalcoholic gel out of desperation because he had run out of beer at home

• He has a stuffed animal named "Badger", It was a bear but now he looks more like a rag, Charmaine almost threw it away by accident, Sean threatened to kill her if anything happened to the first love of his life. Franky has already ended up with a black eye for insulting Badger

• He is still a fan of the occult, tarot, gems energy and astrology etc...

• Every time he goes to the movies with Charmaine, he asks her to hide beer cans under her breasts. At first she thought it was absolutely stupid, but eventually Charmaine did it a few times. She never admitted to him that she could hide a bag of weed in her vagina if need be, for obvious reasons

• He hates IQ tests because the only time he took one online, he scored 89 and Charmaine 130

• If he's rich today, it's because he won a game show when he was 30

• Sean suffers from depersonalization/derealization

• He grew his hair to look like the Joker (and subconsciously Laszlo)

• Most of Sean's savings went into expensive jewelry that he bought for his wife to make up for it

• Behind his Ocean's Twelve memorabilia there's a secret room with absolutely everything needed to organize a casino heist : A notebook with personalized costume sketches for each of his friends + 11 extremely extensive custom-made costumes protected in covers, an entire library about robbery and action books, entire handmade maps of New Jersey and more precisely Atlantic City's casinos, an impressive collection of various weapons and safes to practice opening them, twenty years of research for the perfect heist, accumulated in notebooks and plastic sleeves, a notebook with all the formulas on how to make a bomb, and of course, the homemade bomb in the corner of the room, a huge table in the center with a video projector, a cupboard with other figures and goodies from the trilogy, and posters all around the room

• Sean is a kid mentally, and annoying his wife is his favorite pastime, his favorite activity, being upstairs and shouting Charmaine's name, if she answers, he doesn't answer, until she freaks out

• If someone knocks on the toilet while he's occupying it, he shits louder

• At the beach, every time Sean passes by a sand castle, Charmaine is forced to threaten him by whispering "Don't" because she knows that her husband wants to "accidentally" destroy the castle

• If Sean dies at some point, his unfinished business as a ghost is to kiss Laszlo

• He has very long feet, when he goes bowling with Mikey and Franky. They call him "Bozo", which is the nickname he chooses on the screen to play

• Sean suffers from sleep apnea, so he snores like a pig, and for the past few years he's had a CPAP machine

• In his teen, he sympathized with the Jersey Devil, but after the brain scramblies he forgot that he had become close to the creature

• Sean already asked Charmaine to do ASMR videos just to gain money

• He is stronger than Laszlo at chess

• He wrote plenty of Ocean's 11/12 fics on ao3. Charmaine corrects his spelling mistakes, and she's annoyed to see that her husband only writes sex scenes between men, she'd also like to see between women. His excuse : "I don't have a vagina, how the fuck I'm supposed to write the sensations of having one duh-"

• During a manic episode, he bought 6 Roomba to make an army of them

• He knows the Ocean Twelve lines by heart

• If Charmaine and Sean don't judge the clothing style of their neighbors it's because they probably had a goth period in their youth

• He is a reincarnation, just like Jeff/Gregor

• Jenna is the secret love child of the Rinaldi

• Although he and Charmaine have reconciled, they no longer sleep in the same room; because Sean has insomnia and gets up often to go out on the balcony and smoke his cigarette (which awakens Charmaine)

#wwdits #what we do in the shadows #wwdits sean #sean rinaldi #wwdits charmaine #charmaine rinaldi #wwdits hcs #wwdits hc #wwdits headcanon #wwdits headcanons #tw sex toys #tw abuse #kztpost

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damn-stark · 1 year

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Chapter 31 The last battle

Chapter 31 of Cherry

A/N: AND YET AGAIN another hiatus! This one will be shorter though so :)

Warning- Angst, swearing, fluff, mentions of death and violence

Episodes- 4x88 (special episode pt.1)

Pairing- Jean Kirstein x reader

(Let me know if you want to be tagged)

————

*A FEW YEARS AGO*

“Tell me then sweet Cherry girl,” their voice trails off as they turn around with a glass beaker in their hand. “What is it that you want to be when you get older?”

Wasn’t it obvious by the way you’re hooked to every story they have to say about their expeditions past the wall? Isn’t it obvious by your never ending pestering about wanting to go with them when they leave every single time, even after getting rejected time and time again? Isn't it obvious after losing part of your family to Titans?

“I want to be a Scout,” you respond and help them by sparking some fire in the burner. “Like you, like Levi, Erwin and all the others.” You smile brightly at the thought of wearing a cape like them, at the thought of being as brave as they are and not having to fear a thing any more.

Hange turns and their eyes are wide and their lips are formed into a frown. Your own smile begins to fade at the sight and you begin to grow concerned—then again they are always like this.

“No,” they interject and walk over to the table to set the beaker over the fire. “No. You don’t want to be a Scout, I mean I could never discourage you from chasing your dreams, but,” they sigh and then walk around the table to stop inches before you. They take your hands in theirs and crouches to be at your level. “I have to tell you a big secret, okay?”

Your smile flickers back to life and you probe immediately. “What is it?”

Hange clasps their hands around yours and their lips form to a faint but happy smile. “One day,” they continue. “In your lifetime we will change the world. As much as it pains me the Titans will be gone, we will do it, I know it. And then you, my little Cherry, will have all the opportunities in the world, so tell me what do you want to be in that vast world?”

Your smile slowly widens and without hesitation you give them your honest answer. “Kind.”

Hange grins brightly and grabs your shoulders. “And kind you shall be,” they assure you. “Ah!” They laugh. “I love that answer.” They pull away to get up, and walk past you repeating your answer. “Kind. Ha, I love it.”

——

*NOW*

Regret knowing Hange was something you’d never do. Regret not seeing them fight and die was something you also wouldn’t do, no. In the comfort of the grieving silence that’s set over the flying boat, as you fly through white clouds that fill the blue sky, you’ve forced yourself to be content over the last sight of them. It helps keep their memory intact and not polluted by tragedy.

However, it’s in that grief that you’ve been unable to speak or move from your seat. You ache to comfort Mikasa who struggles with so much already, you want to comfort Levi since he’s also known Hange the longest, but you physically can’t move a muscle. You’re stuck in your seat replaying that last glimpse of Hange in your mind over and over again.

“Now, then,” Armin now directs at the group.

You slowly lift your gaze to watch him.

“Let’s hammer out our plan,” he says and grabs a piece of chalk to begin drawing Eren’s new form on the floor. “Pieck, Captain Levi, is this roughly the shape of the Founding Titan?” He asks as he finishes drawing a portrait of a long Titan shaped like a bone made insect.

“Yes,” Pieck agrees. “Though I didn’t get a great look at it.”

“Basically? It’s a humongous bundle of bones that moves like an insect,” Levi interjects, and you scrunch your nose in disgust.

“If it’s like a normal Titan,” Pieck cuts in again. “Eren would be in the neck near the head.”

You lift your head and break your silence. “Given the War Hammer’s abilities, that’s not guaranteed.”

“In other words,” Armin bounces off your comment. “We don’t know which part Eren is in.”

“Even if we don’t know where he is, we can blast the whole thing away,” you continue to add, and catch a glimpse of Mikasa’s baffled look at your suggestion.

Yet she doesn’t know that’s what he wants. You can’t tell her anything either….so you’re going to have to live with seeing the hurt and baffled looks.

“The same way you annihilated Liberio’s port with the Colossal Titan,” Pieck adds, making you awkwardly look over at Armin.

“That certainly would be the most effective method,” Armin agrees, making Mikasa gasp with even more surprise. Not like he cared like you, he doesn’t look at her, he just keeps going. “But we’ll leave that for after we’ve exhausted our chance to talk.” Armin lifts his head to look at Pieck and you. “If there’s still no other way to stop Eren, that’s our last resort.” He says and then glances at the others.

Mikasa nods in agreement to a plan that you now have to say is hopeless. But you can't be the one to burst their bubble.

“It’s great to have a last resort and all,” Levi adds. “But isn’t Eren controlling the Founder through Zeke? Won’t the rumbling stop if we kill Zeke first?”

That’s right Zeke! Albeit you didn’t see him in paths with Eren.

“True. That might work!” Armin agrees.

“There’s no definite proof, but Hange thought it would.”

“But we don’t know Zeke’s location either,” you point out.

“We’ll just have to find the shithead, the Beast, in those bones,” Levi grumbles.

Silence returns after that, no one protests or suggests some alternative since everyone agrees. However, that silence doesn’t linger too long since Levi is the one that breaks it. “I’ll take Zeke out.”

You snap your head to the side and slowly begin to narrow your gaze in defiance, even if you knew that this was a fight and there are going to be risks.

“Help me do it,” Levi finishes saying.

Without hesitation you’re the first one to of course volunteer. “Of course we will.”

Levi turns his head and meets your gaze with a soft look. You offer him a warm smile but have to then look over at Jean as he interjects.

“Of course. We killed many friends and comrades to get this thing in the sky. We can’t allow that slaughter to have been for nothing. Everything is to stop the rumbling. I’ll do whatever it takes.”

You smirk softly and nod in agreement. Before you can say anything though, Reiner butts in. “Jean—”

“I shot Samuel and Daz,” Connie cuts Reiner off. “And sliced up other people I knew. I got called a traitor as I did so, all while telling myself it was to save the world.” Connie then suddenly raises his head to face Reiner. “Tell me, Reiner. It was agonizing for you, Bertholdt, and Annie too, wasn’t it?”

You look away to look at your hands as you begin to fiddle with them.

“I can’t even make up for the sins I committed anymore,” Reiner says. “Even if we save what remains of humanity, I doubt I’ll ever forgive myself.”

You swallow thickly as you agree with his words.

“So,” Reiner continues. “Well, let’s at least save what remains of humanity.”

“You’re right, Reiner,” Connie agrees with the man. “Even if we can’t make up for it, we still gotta do what we can.”

“That’s right,” you hear Jean say, and quickly look up—“we’re the same, Reiner.”

Your eyes widen in surprise, even if you shouldn’t be considering he’s not that same immature guy from years ago. It’s just surprising hearing Jean agree with Reiner in general that’s all.

“I never had any right to judge you,” Jean continues. “I became a murderer to save others.”

You glance at Reiner as you think about Jean's words, but you can’t come to that same conclusion. Not yet.

“You know,” Reiner says. “On the night of the raid on Liberio, Eren said the same thing to me. I feel like I understand some of what’s going on in Eren’s head. Could it be that Eren wants us to stop him?”

You quickly look down at your hands again as he mumbles the truth.

“What do you mean?” Mikasa probes.

“I mean,” Reiner continues. “It’s just a thought that occurred to me.”

“Somethings been bothering me this whole time,” Armin interjects. “Eren had the power to affect all Titans and Eldians. And yet our ability to use our Titan powers remains unchanged.”

“You mean Eren is purposely giving us free rein?” Pieck asks as she’s baffled.

“Exactly,” you agree as you keep averting your gaze. “He’s letting you all act freely. To test how we all respond to what he’s doing.”

“Why?” Mikasa asks once again. “We might succeed in stopping the rumbling.”

“It has to be agonizing for him, too,” Reiner mutters. “Committing mass murder…that’s not a burden you can just bear. If it was me, I’d be desperate to leave the Founders power with someone else. And it that wasn’t possible, I'd want it to end….for someone to end it.”

You look over at Mikasa to read her reaction.

“What?” She asks with a disbelief that’s painted all over her features, with pain as she understood but doesn’t want to accept that Eren has to die.

You should comfort her, say anything and help her.

However, before you can try moving, suddenly from one second to another you’re transported back to the starry and majestic place that Eren calls paths. Again. At least this time you’re not alone.

“Again?!” Jean complains as they all look around in shock.

“This is…”

“Paths,” you finish for Connie.

Jean and Mikasa glance at you, but neither of them comment, instead Levi interjects. “What, was he listening in?”

“Eren!” You hear Armin exclaim. “Please hear me out!”

Right, why is he not here? He greeted you when he pulled you in alone before.

“This is already enough!” Armin continues, “I’m sure that no one will be able to attack the island for hundreds of years! The terror and destruction have been just that extreme! If you stop now, we can end all this by agreeing to a non-aggression treaty! You don’t have to kill any more people!”

You look up the star covered sky as if you’d spot Eren amongst them, you strain your ear in hopes you’d hear some kind of response even if you know what he wants.

“I’m sorry, Eren!” Armin shouts, pulling your gaze back to him. “We were the ones who drove you this far!”

“Eren…Eren!” Jean surprises you by saying. “We’ll figure out the rest! You don’t have to keep committing genocide for our sake!”

“That’s right,” Connie cuts in now too with tears coming out of his eyes. “Eren! I hated you after what happened to Sasha, but in truth, you were hurting too, weren’t you?! And yet, I didn’t even try to see things from your perspective at all!”

They’re desperate to hear from him, to know why you’re all here; you are curious as to why you’re here again, but you aren’t desperate to try and talk, you already know what he wants. And sure he might’ve not told you anything on the matter of this rumbling, but given what he did say to you, he’s only stopping by force. So talking is pointless.

Yet you let them try because you did promise.

“Eren,” Mikasa now interjects. “I…I want to shoulder your sins with you. The sins you committed…we’re guilty of them, too. So please, don’t push us away anymore. Please, Eren, come back to us!”

You drop your eyes to the sand and sigh under your breath so they won’t hear.

“You heard ‘em, Eren,” you catch Levi cut in. “Do it now, and I’ll let you off with just a swift kick in the ass. Well? Ain’t it about time you said something?”

Silence passes again, only providing more confusion.

That is until you get startled by Armin shouting all of sudden. “Eren!”

You snap your eyes up to look at him with a narrowed glare, but then you hear exactly who he had called out, Eren.

“The rumbling will not stop. Nor will I leave Paradis Island’s future to chance. I will keep moving forward.”

Just as you thought….

You blink and look back at the sand with a disappointed look.

“There,” Levi points out.

You lift your gaze and follow what he points out and only see a single silhouette. Once the others see it too, Mikasa is the first one to break into a sprint towards that silhouette, letting you know who it is; it’s Eren. Without a second to spare Armin, Jean and Connie follow, you however stay behind with Levi, Reiner and Pieck.

You hear your friends pant as they run as fast as they can on the sand, you can hear their desperation to reach Eren, you praise them for trying, but your hope that something can be done has vanished.

“Why didn’t you go with them?” Levi asks as you watch the others run.

You blink and mutter, “I’m trying to save my energy.” You don’t need to say anything else, nor does he press on the matter.

“In order to obtain freedom, I will take freedom from the world.” Eren's voice cuts in again, it echoes from every perimeter of this place. “But I will not take anything from any of you.”

Well isn’t that nice to hear?

Sacrifice the world to save you all? What would Erwin say? What would the other scouts say?

They’d hate it….

At least that’s what you need to keep telling yourself now so you can get in that mindset you need to…kill Eren if need be.

“You all have freedom,” Eren says. And now all of sudden Mikasa, Jean and Connie return back to where they had left without even reaching that white tree. Albeit now instead of one silhouette there’s two.

“You are free to protect the world's freedom. And I am free to keep moving forward. As long as we each hold unbending convictions, a clash is inevitable. There is but one thing for us to do. Fight.”

Is that why he brought everyone here? To say that and make everyone all emotional? Why couldn’t he just say it in your heads instead?

“But,” Armin interjects quietly. “Then why…why did you call us here?”

“To discuss the fact that there’s no need to have a discussion. If you wish to stop me, make me draw my last breath. You have freedom.”

And with those final words a bright white light flashes causing you to shield your eyes. However, just as you think you’re going to be shoved back to reality, when you open your eyes and pull your hand down, you’re actually still in paths all alone. Now however, there Eren stands in front of you, just you and no one else.

“Keep your promise,” he says to you with gleaming green eyes before you’re then put back to reality with everyone else.

——

*LATER*

“Y/N?”

You snap your gaze off your Thunder spear and look to your side and catch Mikasa with her gaze on you. “Huh?” You press with confusion.

Mikasa sighs. “I asked why didn’t you try to go after Eren like the rest of us? You didn’t try and speak to him either.”

This can be the moment, you can break your promise and tell her what he told you. Who knows, maybe if she knows she’ll actually try and do the right thing at the end of the day….

Or she’ll be motivated to try and talk to him now more than ever knowing that deep within, under that Founder Titan still is the Eren she knew and loves.

That’s probably it, so you can’t risk her not having her head in the battle.

“Why should I?” You argue as you secure the Thunder spear on your arm. “It would be pointless if I wasted my energy,” you lie to her for her own good. “If he had wanted to stop he would’ve already, but he doesn’t and didn’t so why try and talk to someone who doesn’t want to hear.”

Mikasa’s eyebrows slowly furrow and her gaze changes between anger and disbelief over what’s coming out of your mouth. “So what?” She retorts. “You gave up hope? That’s unlike you even if Eren is doing what he’s doing.”

You lift your gaze to meet hers and let out a deep sigh and nod stiffly. “I guess I did,” you admit the whole truth now. And that hurts Mikasa more than what you said earlier, she had known you weren’t the same the moment she saw you come back, but she had been lying to herself to try and hold onto something familiar after she had already lost Eren. But she knows now that she lost you too.

Alas she still held onto hope you were in there.

“Don’t,” you contradict her as you see her searching. “That girl you’re looking for is gone, she died in Marley. That’s why I need to know Mikasa,” you swallow thickly and get closer to help her secure her Thunder spear on her arm. “That when it comes to that last moment, that last stroke of that blade, or that one explosion, that you can do it. We need you. I need you. Tell me—” you correct yourself quickly. “No promise me you won’t stop anyone. Swear to me.”

Mikasa’s gray eyes hold yours, now there’s no sign of hope lingering within her about you still being that one hopeful girl, she saw you now, she sees you. She knows what you ask of her, she knows what there is to do about this war, about Eren, but now that you ask her face to face she hesitates to answer you.

“Mikasa,” you call. “Swear to me.”

Said girl draws in a deep breath and swallows back thickly. “I swear,” she breathes out. “I swear I won’t stop you or anyone else,” she assures you.

You draw out a deep breath and nod in comprehension. “Okay,” you whisper. “Good.” You pat her shoulder and then fist your hand to tap the left side of her chest. “Dedicate your heart Mikasa.” You step back and offer her one last smile before you turn around and face the plane door with a watery gaze.

It’s too hard to talk to anyone else, to say goodbye in case this was your last moment with any of them. You wouldn't be able to leave now saying those words, so instead you don’t talk to anyone else. As the plane shakes violently as you fly closer to Eren, now you wait in silence, and with that same fisted hand you tap your own chest. “I dedicate my heart.” To everyone you lost, Furlan, Isabel, Erwin, Miche, Moblet, Hange, every single Scout that you were friends with, old or young, every single one that you knew, you give your heart for them.

“I see him!” Onyankopon exclaims. “Get ready to jump.”

You bend your legs a little to fix your stance and wait.

“Onyankopon, you get over here too!” Jean shouts at the man driving the plane.

“Not yet!” He counters. “I’ll keep going till we’re over the Founder! Afterwards, I’ll make an emergency landing!”

You glance over to him and want to argue back, but you stop yourself and respect his choice.

“So make sure you land on the Founding Titan! Got that?” Onyankopon says.

You get ready to assure him, but then in a split second you get hit with a bad feeling that makes your stomach drop and has you on high alert as you sense danger approaching the plane.

“Onyankopon!” Mikasa warns as she feels the same danger.

Without question the man swerves the plane to avoid being hit by something you don’t catch. Albeit something still smacks a part of the plane and makes you all lose balance. Luckily, before you can hit the wall, Reiner catches you by wrapping his arms around you.

It hurts to say, but you do it. “Thanks,” you mumble and pull away right away to return to your spot.

“The bastards down there,” you catch Levi grumble. “That damned beast.”

You didn’t see Beast, but you do trust Levi, and now realize who had thrown those objects at the plane.

“That saves the trouble of finding him,” you point out.

“Target the Beast Titan,” Armin commands. “Put all your power into taking him out! Let’s stop the rumbling!”

Oyankopon swerves more flying objects and then finally gets close enough to Eren to let Armin throw the door open.

“Scouts dedicate your hearts!” You shout over the rushing wind that flies through the open door.

“Dedicate your heart!” Jean, Mikasa, Armin, Connie and even Reiner shout back.

And now, with that battle cry spoken, with adrenaline now pumping in your blood you don’t hesitate to follow Armin, and jump off the plane to commence this last battle.

A/N- I'm saving the battle for the next chapter :)

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