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softly-savage-mint-yoongi · 4 years

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Allotrope

Genre: Idolverse Pairing: Kim Junmyeon (Suho) x reader Warnings: more angst. more smut. semi-public sex. Dom!Junmyeon makes an appearance again but still kinda mild. thigh riding even though it’s not really a warning??

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"Happy Birthday!" you exclaim happily. On your tip-toes you swing your arms around Soohyun's thick shoulders and squeeze him tight until it hurts to push yourself against his solid frame.

The older man laughs like thunder, just as happy. You can't remember how many drinks he has had, but you're enjoying watching him be the one to let go for once.

Luckily for you both, being senior serving staff at your restaurant came with its perks. Perks such as you both being able to take the same night off to go out and celebrate. It doesn't matter what day of the week it is, it's Summer. Your restaurant is always busy during the season. The city, too, is busy any night of the week, May through September.

This is your favorite time of year. When you are on break from school and good money gets even better with busy shifts. You make even more because you work a bit more, and it tastes sweeter because you get to go home and do nothing or go out with friends. Like right now.

There's a certain kind of magic you love about the hotter season. Days never seem to end, only the sky becomes a light show twice per twenty-four hours, like clockwork. One half gives you a dazzling galaxy of stars and the other, blue skies and fluffy white clouds. It always wraps you in a warm embrace of endless possibility, and that freedom makes you feel invincible.

With a giddy laugh, Soohyun returns your affection, lifting your feet from the sticky bar floor. He presses the air from your lungs until you're smacking his arm in defeat. Setting you down carefully, he makes sure you're good and steady before he lets go.

"Thank you!" he hollers, slamming back the remaining bit of soju in his glass.

His jovial attitude is infectious. Even the humid air in this club and the way it's making your hair cling to your neck with sweat can't damper the exemption of your spirits, and you haven't drank enough to consider yourself even slightly buzzed.

It's stuffy, but a new song vibrating the walls with an artificial heartbeat calls your own toward the dance floor. Something that beckons to the excitement making your veins thrum with the feeling of being alive in the sweltering heat of the summer. Looking back, you crook a finger to the birthday boy, but he shakes his head, mouthing a 'no' and holding up his glass, magically refilled by a bartender.

You don't feel bad at all leaving him at the bar alone. He knows you're a shitty wingman, or wingwoman or chicken wing or whatever. It doesn't matter, he and you both know it, and to be frank, he doesn't need it. Soohyun is more than capable of staggering into any establishment on his own and making women's heads turn. If anything, you make it more difficult for him to find potential partners when you're beside him looking just as good.

Sticking your tongue out at him, you dismiss him with a devious smirk, instead focusing on the moment. On the music surging through your very being, getting drunk on its tempo.

You don't much care that you're sweating or that your feet hurt in these heels. Normally, you wouldn't be bothered, only wearing them under the excuse that it was a special occasion and you didn't purchase them to sit in your closet. Plus, they look killer with this dress.

Your palms are hot where they drag up your own legs, and you close your eyes. Dancing has never been your strongest point, but there's something addicting in the volume pulsing in your ears tonight. Something ritualistic as you smile to yourself, letting your body anticipate the rhythm just as it plays. It makes you feel good to move this way, so you let go for as long as it will sway you.

After a while, the song ends and a new one begins. One with an intro you recognize, a sound unlike others that dips into a stuttering bass. You open your eyes when you realize it's a remix of 'Monster' by EXO.

Even just the name of his group sends an excited shiver down your spine. Without warning, it's too balmy in the center of this mass of undulating bodies. Your own feels too damp and the dress that clings to you feels like an uncomfortable second skin.

As if broken from the spell of the previous song, you can hear everything else over the beat of the remix. Similar to the din of a bell, you catch a pretty laugh you recognize on the upper level. Your eyes scan where your brain is telling you- landing on the face of the laugh's owner.

Furrowing your brow, is that... Kai? It has to be. Nobody else on this earth possesses the combination of lucky genes quite like he does.

Your breath catches in your throat, a hot flush brushing your face when you notice it's not just him. It's eight of them, laughing with embarrassment at their own song, albeit a remix, carving a home in the chest of every dancing body in this club. His laughter is overridden by the sound of Chanyeol's clapping as he nearly liquefies onto the floor above you with a wide laughing smile.

Beckoning your eyes to his face you find the one you want staring back at you, having caught the stillness of your frame among a crowd of movement. Your lips drop open with a soundless gasp.

He looks effortlessly incredible. Relaxed in their space, hanging over the railing of the balcony. He's watching you, idly swirling bits of ice around in his empty glass with a twirl of his wrist.

Junmyeon smiles, tipping his head toward you and tucking that cheeky smile into the corner of his lips. You take a moment to let your eyes rake over him. His hair is fluffy and unstyled, hanging over his forehead. He isn't dressed to the nines like most people in this space are attempting to be, yourself included. He doesn't have to be when he's sitting up there on the VIP floor.

He detaches himself from the rail, pushing to his full height and disappearing from your view with a grin. Without his presence, but knowing he is here, you feel a different type of exhilaration altogether. You're not interested in dancing anymore, unable to keep your eyes from the railing where his members talk and joke and watch the nightlife.

The air around you is quickly much too thick with strangers for midnight on a Thursday. Trying your best without touching anyone, you dodge your way back to the grand bar, gripping the smooth resin edge of it and admiring the shade of the cherry wood encapsulated within it.

From the corner of his eyes, Soohyun watches you, "Didn't feel like dancing anymore?"

You grin at him, "I just need to catch my breath."

His heavy brow creeps toward his hairline as he considers your statement with a swig of his current drink, already half empty.

"It was just one song and you're already winded? We gotta get you into the gym, Y/N."

The scowl you fix him with from the bottom of his glass has him bursting out with more roaring laughter, as always. "I'm kidding!" he chokes out with a poke to your cheek, "Cheer up!"

"Yeah, um..." you don't know where to begin, or if you should even bring it up?

This is a celebration for Soohyun. If Junmyeon tries to whisk you away, as much as you would be delighted to, you can't just drop your best friend for him. You're here to hang out and perhaps help Soohyun take someone home, if that's what he wants. By the way he is slamming back his drinks, you're wondering if you might be here instead to take him back to his apartment safely.

The hand that touches your back faintly startles you, making you jerk toward Soohyun and away from the intrusion.

A familiar scent hits your nose and you realize that it is Junmyeon who has joined you at the bar. When you face him, he is pointedly not looking at you, his eyes scanning the bar menu hanging over your heads with a delighted crinkle, his lips parted just slightly, the bottom bit of flesh sticking out a little more. You notice the quirk is something that happens with his face when he is concentrating.

"I didn't mean to scare you." he smiles as he talks, but still hasn't looked at you.

A sheepish laugh flutters past your lips, "I know. Sorry I jumped."

Finally, after placing his order with the bartender, he turns, resting his elbows back against the counter and letting his eyes find yours.

Beside you, Soohyun has been observing the entire encounter go down, trying to keep the cheeky grin off of his face. He finishes the last dredges of his glass and sets it back against the bar forcefully with a loud smack.

You jump, eyes wide and whipping to him, "Oh!"

He stares as you, eyes alight with a mischievous gleam. His only response is to raise one eyebrow.

Junmyeon, on your other side, is as smart as they come and put it together automatically that this must be the famed Soohyun. He reaches out his hand to the larger man.

"Hello, I'm uh... Junmyeon. You must be Soohyun, it's nice to meet you!"

Soohyun is a little shocked at his forwardness but happily shakes his hand regardless, "Nice to meet you Junmyeon."

They easily drop into light conversation and you can't fight the smile on your face at their simple pleasantries. Soohyun isn't in any way, shape, or form romantically inclined with you, nor you with him. That makes this whole situation a lot less awkward.

He is still protective of you, like a brother, but he also knows about Junmyeon and the way you look at one another because he was there when it first happened six months ago.

Junmyeon's drink is delivered in silence and he nods at whatever Soohyun is saying, sipping at the rim of the glass with a smile. You're examining him. Taking him in and willing your heart to stop beating in time with the EDM booming from the speakers at 120bpm as you look at him.

The way the apples of his cheeks rise and stick out when he smiles a certain type of way. How his brows raise as his eyes crease in delight when he laughs. The beautiful cascade of colors that light up his hair in a rainbow of pulsing hues as the lights dance to the music above your heads. In awe, the way just having his presence here instills in you a sense of calm and excitement all at once. You're afraid you'll never get enough.

It is odd, having him in your space but not alone. Here, with Soohyun. Two people who are important to you.

...Is Junmyeon really that important to you? You haven't seen him but twice, the last time only seven or eight weeks ago. Since then you've had a lot of conversations with yourself about him over a glass of wine in the confines of your apartment. About him with you, specifically. Imagining if he wanted something more than what you have with him, and if would you be willing to do that, too?

Would you be willing to make room in your heart and your time for him as more than the other half of this whatever it is you have together? Are you willing to risk getting your heart broken by him if he can't make time for you with his busy schedule? If he doesn’t love you when you’re ready to love him?

You've thought about him a lot, surely, although you try to persuade yourself that is the natural progression of your situationship with him. At first, you thought about him a lot when you were lonely and needy and your body was desperate for friction. In the last month, since your second adventure with him, you've thought about him in other ways too.

Daydreamed of him when you went back to that bench again a week later to study. Your eyes kept drifting around, hoping he might show up again and just sit with you. At home, when you were curled up on the couch for a relaxing evening in, thinking how nice it might be if he were there with you. Perhaps with you wrapped up in his arms or your head resting on his lap. Perhaps it was the reverse. You smiled thinking about how he might really love it to fall asleep with his head in your lap and your fingers gently running across his scalp.

You thought about how beautiful he was. Thought about what he might look like if you actually got to wake up in each others arms peacefully. How the bright morning sun might paint his skin in a golden white glitter. How soft and warm he might look, relaxed and still sleeping against the crisp white linens of your bed. How peaceful he might feel.

You thought about how precious his soul appeared to be. How fragile and defenseless and scared you made him the last time you were with him and how warm you felt to know he felt safe with you once you voiced as much. You talked a big game about knowing Junmyeon and not just Suho the first time you met, and you still stand by that. How easy it is to know him for who he really is under all of those layers that he carefully portrays and orchestrates to protect himself.

"Y/N?" he calls, gently touching your elbow.

You're snapped out of your thoughts, eyes seeking his face. He smiles at you softly when he notices you were lost in thought, and you swallow hard.

"Soohyun was just telling me you're here celebrating his birthday."

Furrowing your brows, "Yes?"

He barks a laugh, covering his mouth at your cute, perplexed pout, "I invited you both to come up to our section, if you want?"

"Only if Soohyun wants to. It's his birthday." you shrug, trying to cool your cheeks.

Soohyun cracks a cheshire smile at you, "I think it'll be fun." he says. His eyes are pointedly looking between you and Junmyeon with mischief, "Besides..." he adds, pausing to scan the patrons here on the ground level of the club, "There doesn't seem to be much fun going on down here."

You and Junmyeon both snicker at that, knowing exactly what he means.

Part of you is slightly worried about Junmyeon's public image if someone notices him down here talking to you and then taking you upstairs, but you feel a little less targeted if you're not the only one being invited up. The remaining part of you is excited to be with Junmyeon.

Excitement at not just the idea of fucking him, maybe. Excitement at the greedy idea of hearing him laugh and seeing him smile more. Of having him near you, and relishing in how good he makes you feel just by standing beside you.

Junmyeon nods, turning back to the bar and hailing a bartender. When a stoutly man arrives, Junmyeon slides him his black card, gesturing to the both of you and himself.

You jaw hits the floor. You know how much these drinks can cost and you know that while you may have only had one or two, Soohyun is probably well into his eighth or ninth.

"Junmyeon, no!" you chastise, gently tugging on the sleeve of his grey sweater.

He pats your hand and smiles, "Let me do this as birthday congratulations and an apology for hijacking your celebrations for the evening."

Soohyun claps him on the shoulder, "Thank you!"

Your sometimes-lover turns and clasps his hand back in standard bro-like fashion, "No problem, it's the least I can do!"

The bartender returns and Junmyeon finishes the transaction, "Come on, now. The guys are probably wondering where I am."

Automatically, your head turns toward the balcony where you first saw him this evening. Most of them don't seem to be paying any mind to the club patrons below their floor. The maknae, however, has his eyes trained on your little group as Junmyeon does his best to inconspicuously touch your back to guide you toward the staircase at the back of the club.

You blush under the scrutiny of the guards as he ushers you forward with claims that you're both with him. Your hand brushes over one of the pretty velvet ropes as you pass, and it's just as soft as it looked.

When you reach the top of the stairs, several pairs of eyes glance your way briefly to see who made an entrance. You're sure there are other celebrities and successful individuals among all of the faces, but the only ones you know are the faces of EXO, and the only one you care to look at is Junmyeon's.

He looks right back at you, surprised, as if he thought you might be gazing at all of the other people just like him. People with money, fame, power or beauty, or any combination of those things. Instead, he reminds himself that you are used to seeing people like that come and go.

Instead, he is reminded, that you seem to be putting all of your bets on him. That you're here looking at him, and him only.

He seems to relax a little, embolded. Enough to quietly take your hand and lead you to his members. The mouthier of the pack notice, various knowing grins etching onto their faces.

Junmyeon introduces you, "My friends are going to join us for the evening, please treat them kindly." He gestures to each of you with your names, and Jongdae instantly recognizes you. He gracefully removes himself from the couch and offers you his seat instead.

You look at Junmyeon, unsure of what to make of his offer. The older man smiles, nodding.

Jongdae is kind, and you're happy Junmyeon has him, "Thank you." you whisper as you sit.

The younger man stands beside the arm of the couch, "Did you want a drink? I can get a waiter, or...?" he trails off, looking around the flat for one.

Chanyeol cuts in, trying to speak with Baekhyun climbing all over him, "Yah, cut it out!"

Baekhyun howls, ignoring him instead, "We want to go to karaoke!"

Some of the other members perk up at the idea. "Oh, that sounds like fun." Jongin replies.

Minseok nods, shoulder dancing enthusiastically in his seat, "We have been here for a few hours."

"Our guests might like to come, too." Kyungsoo reminds them, his eyes slowly crossing the expanse of faces and landing on yours with a gentle smile.

Soohyun interrupts, "I think that sounds cool. I've never been, actually."

This was a fact that even you didn't know about him, and your eyes widen, "Seriously?"

He smiles, a somewhat triumphant, out of place beaming smirk that says it's something he takes pride in.

You can't recall yourself ever being big into karaoke either, but that's not to say you didn't like it. Simply, you had never had the time or wish to go previously. Now, with several professional singers sitting in your circle, a thrill of anticipation creeps up your spine.

"I'm all in." you grin.

__________________________________________

The karaoke bar Baekhyun chooses for your group is on the same side of town. It seems to be the only one anyone is willing to drive to at this hour that has decent private rooms. They've carpooled, but still drove enough cars that there were a few empty seats between the three vehicles.

You laugh once more, recalling the face Junmyeon pulled when you told them you and Soohyun would catch a lyft to the address, just the same way you made it from your apartment to the bar.

He absolutely is not going to let that happen. Junmyeon didn't drive his own car tonight, but somehow rearranged the members so that Soohyun was cramming into the back seat of Chanyeol's Mercedes Benz with both you and Junmyeon, while Baekhyun rode shotgun.

The vocalist handles Chanyeol's aux cord well, and you understand why he is the center of activity among their group. His chatty nature and sunny personality combine well with Chanyeol's infectious happiness. You admire them together in silence, happy that they appear so at ease with each other and you.

Junmyeon and Soohyun are carrying on a conversation you're not inspired to follow about sports. Instead, you look out of the window, watching the city blur past in a complex pattern of shapes and lights, humming along to a tune Baekhyun has deemed worthy of letting play. Your hand is in Junmyeon's and you smile at his attentiveness, letting you know he is still paying attention to you with the way his thumb softly strokes back and forth over your knuckles as he talks.

Chanyeol's car is comfortable, and you find you like the way he drives. Normally, you would be worried about getting into the car with someone you don't really know, but you're beginning to realize you break a lot of your normal nuances for Junmyeon. You watch Chanyeol's face in the barely glowing blue reflection on the windshield. His eyes flick to Baekhyun briefly, one hand tapping the beat into the top of the steering wheel where his hand is spread across it. His other hand remains comfortably on the top of the gearshift.

You catch his eyes casually in his reflection, but he only smiles a little wider and warmer. He is the first, although you've never spoken directly to him, to make you feel wholly welcome and comfortable. Baekhyun's fingers climb the top of Chanyeol's hand on the gearshift, poking it in time with the tune as he sings softly.

________________________________________

The private room provided for your group is large, with a plush couch, bean bag chairs and cushions of various sizes surrounding a large table in the center of the room. There are stage lights above the massive television monitor on the wall and a shelf where the karaoke system and accessories are housed beneath.

Almost immediately, the group of boys begin to fall into different seats. Junmyeon is kind enough to turn on the console, placing the mics down on the table. He picks up the remote and fiddles with the lighting. It becomes drastically brighter with white light and a hiss of protest works itself around the room.

"Sorry." he laughs, turning the lights off altogether and turning the stage lights to a pretty pink color before he looks back at you for approval.

Automatically he frowns, seeing you in the center of the couch with a grinning pair of eyes on either side of you. Jongin throws his best aegyo at him while Baekhyun just laughs at the pout Junmyeon gives.

You can't help thinking how adorable he looks. Under any other, more... public circumstances, you know you should be extremely careful with your interactions among these idols, especially their leader.

Looking around, you let yourself relax. You're in a private lounge with them, not in public. Exhaling your anxieties, you look up to your favorite among them and pat the couch in front of your legs.

Junmyeon beams at you, walking over and sinking immediately to the floor in front of you and resting his back against the couch. Throwing his own caution to the wind, he reaches back for your hand turns his head, gently brushing his lips along your fingertips before he places your hand against his shoulder.

Minseok approaches the console with an enthusiastic sort of wiggle.There are conversations all happening at once, and at the same time you realize they are all aware of the talks happening around them and involved. It's strange to watch them weaving in and out of multiple discussions.

Soohyun catches your eyes from his place in a bean bag chair in front of the table. Sehun is lounging beside him, laughing about something. You want to be shocked if the two of them are hitting it off, but you're not surprised because Soohyun is just that type of person. He can be friends with anyone.

You don't recognize the upbeat pop song Minseok is singing aloud. Even so, the timbre of his voice sounds nice. His cat-like eyes are hyper focused on the screen as he sings, but he's smiling. Jongdae sits on the other side of the table, swaying his body to the beat and giving Minseok his undivided attention.

"Do you like video games?" Baekhyun suddenly blurts from beside you. At first you're not sure he is even talking to you, until he leans in, waiting for your answer.

You laugh loudly, and it makes both he and Jongin smile, laughing with you. You can feel Junmyeon's shoulders shake, too. He knows you laugh too loudly when you're nervous.

"Uh," you try to recover, "I do, but I haven't played in years."

"Why not?" Jongin interrupts curiously.

These boys are making you think about cherished memories. Idly, your fingers creep up the back of Junmyeon's head while you think, softly carding through his hair.

"I don't have any. I used to play with my brother a lot when we were kids, but when we grew up and he moved away he took the consoles with him."

Baekhyun curls his lips into a tight line, nodding in understanding, "Ah, I see."

Jongin is silent for a moment before, "You should come to the dorms sometime and play with us."

Beneath your fingers, Junmyeon freezes. You worry it's a bad sign, as if he doesn't want you to get that close, that personal.

As much fun as you want to believe it could be, you don't want to overstep Junmyeon's privacy. "I appreciate it, but I don't think I'd ever have the time." you say instead. It's not totally a lie.

The tension in Junmyeon's shoulders doesn't go away. You choose to ignore it, instead focusing on Chanyeol's attempt at singing a foreign pop song at his highest possible pitch and extravagant running-in-place movements. To your left, Baekhyun is grinning at him like an idiot.

A server enters in the middle of it, bringing a round of drinks you never knew there was an order for. A bottle of soju sounds good right now, you think, but before you drink anything more, you should probably use the restroom.

Beside you, the shorter idol is handed a bottle of it, flavored peach. "Excuse me, may I order the same thing?" you politely request, gesturing to the green bottle settled against the singer's lips.

The server nods without a word, leaving the room once the rest of the drinks are delivered. Jongin gets up, letting you off the couch, "I'll be right back." you tell the handsome man sitting on the floor.

He smiles at you, but it doesn't last, "Okay."

You notice Soohyun's head turn to you mid conversation, waiting, but you wave at him, mouthing 'bathroom' before making your exit.

Gods your feet are killing you. Wistfully you smile, happy you won't have to fight to find the restrooms. The glowing sign is just down the hall.

When you emerge from the ladies room, you're surprised to find Jongdae standing against the wall just outside.

"Hey." you greet sheepishly, not sure what else to do. It feels like he has something to say, so you linger with him in the darkness of the corridor. It sounds like the walls are alive, tones of heavy bass thumping through every room. The smell of cigarettes makes you scrunch up your nose.

Jongdae laughs quietly, shaking his head and removing himself from the wall, "Are you enjoying yourself tonight?"

You consider his question, "This isn't how I anticipated the night to go, but it's been good so far." you say with a smile.

He beams at you in a silent laugh, "Good, good." Offhand, you register his beauty when he smiles. It's dazzling, but the sharp, feline corners of his eyes aren't quite right and you find yourself frowning that it isn't Junmyeon smiling in front of you right now. The crescent shape of his eyes and the soft upturned crinkle at each corner is something you've grown fond of.

It's silent but the man in front of you puffs out his cheeks; you get the feeling there are more words that Jongdae isn't saying.

You're about to excuse yourself back to the room, but a gentle hand stops you, "Thank you." The look of confusion you send him prompts him to elaborate with a sigh, "For treating him well, I suppose."

"Oh." The gesture of his thanks warms you through and for just a moment you can understand why his brothers call him the kindest of them all. Even though this is awkward, standing in an aphotic hallway of some random karaoke bar in the middle of the night with a girl you barely know who is fucking your brother. You share a smile of understanding between you until he speaks again.

"It's nice to feel like you belong to someone and vice versa, you know?" he comments further. The expression on his face almost says he knows exactly what he's talking about but has chosen to cryptically ask you instead. It's serene.

"I'm not sure I follow." you reply, eyes looking to the floor, cringing at the cheesy coloring of the faded carpet.

Jongdae scoffs, but his words aren't rude, "You don't? Hm... I thought you would, since you're his." Jongdae isn't the type of person to speak with the intention to bleed, that is clear. Still, the simple words pang through your chest like a stone down an empty well.

"Ah, I mean, I'm n-" you begin weakly, your response cut short by a stronger voice.

"She doesn't belong to me...she doesn't belong to anyone." Junmyeon adds, joining you both.

The younger man's eyes widen, but he doesn't comment further for a long moment. His brows furrow, "That's interesting." he says with a tilt of his head, dusting off the nonexistent dirt from his pants. Jongdae turns, inching himself out of the space between you and Junmyeon, "I'll head back then."

You try to read the older man's expression and the tone he used, but he gives you nothing more than a slightly knitted brow and eyes that are trying to hold yours, and you're left wondering if he is upset or simply stating facts.

"We weren't..." you flounder, taken aback by your own crumbling walls yielding to the intensity of his stare. You have nothing to feel bad about.

When your eyes lift to meet his, Junmyeon seems amused, "I know." he whispers with a grin. Still, he doesn't move, anticipating your squirming limbs under the scrutiny of his gaze.

"Why are you nervous?" he chuckles. His head leans closer to yours and you shift back to look up at his face. You're surprised he can tell this about you just from body language, and it makes your heart flutter, pounding even harder against your sternum. You gawk at yourself internally. Since when did you lose your resolve and let him affect you like this?

Running a set of painted nails over your face, you collect yourself and smile, "I think you were a little jealous."

Junmyeon has the audacity to huff, eyes going wide, "Me, jealous?" He adjusts his posture, lowering his voice a hair as a server passes you both in the dim lighting of the hallway. She doesn't spare either of you a glance, intently focused on not falling head over heels - literally - while balancing a tray of cocktails on her palm.

Your eyes follow her. In the span of the six seconds she's invading the narrow hallway, you come to feel sorry for her. She's clearly uncomfortable and out of place, her free hand glued to the bottom of her short skirt, tugging it over her stocking-clad legs. The working woman inside of you mourns for her until Junmyeon is pulling your attention back to his handsome features.

"I don't get jealous." your lover focuses, his pouting bottom lip looks very kissable in the dingy light.

You stand up straighter and you poke at his lip with your index finger, unable to hide the color of humor in your voice when you answer, "Suho may not get jealous, but I think Junmyeon can be a little envious."

Subconsciously, he kisses at your fingertip, gently pressing against the pad while he thinks of an answer. A firm 'no' is all he says.

You don't really want to dig too deep into this but you believe you would also like to perhaps explore his possessive side more.

"Are you jealous that I don't belong to anyone or are you jealous that I was talking to Jongdae? Which is ridiculous, by the way."

He bites back immediately, "I said I wasn't jealous. I don't care who you talk to or belong to."

A pause follows, but he doesn't say anything else for the moment. You chew your bottom lip, your hands dropping to slide across his arms idly. His eyes follow the innocent path of your hands back and forth, fixed on the dark shade of your glimmering nail polish.

You have to ask him, "You don't?" Cocking your head before adding, "So, what if Jongdae kissed me?" You knew that wouldn't be the case because you aren't interested or invested in that particular set of chocolate eyes and rich vocals. There is only one brand of that for you and it belongs to Junmyeon. You just aren't ready to admit that to him, or yourself.

There is an unmistakable flash of something painful that passes through Junmyeon's features. His jaw goes tight and his eyes stay fixed on your hands, but he says nothing. Slowly, the corners of his lips melt into a frown. You can feel his skin grow hot beneath your palms, or is that you beginning to sweat?

So you provoke him further. You generally want to know, and logically you consider if breaching this side of him will result in the conversation you think you need to have about the situation you keep finding yourself in with him.

Leaning into him you whisper, "What if I fucked someone else?"

First, you hear him hiss. Then he jerks back, his spine snapping straight as he grabs your hand and pulls you back into the bathroom.

His grip is still tight on your hand while he waits for one single breath. When he is confident there isn't anyone else here, he whirls on you, shoving at you gently until your back meets the heavy weight of the door.

His hand releases you to flick the lock shut and you flinch at the loud sound the snap generates.

Your eyes lift to meet his. There's an emotion you can't describe set deep into the scowl he wears. Those dark pools of brown drop away from your own eyes. They focus on your lips before he growls, suddenly cupping your face in both of his hands and kissing you roughly.

You gasp into his mouth and this time you understand there is no room for chivalrous behavior. He immediately takes advantage of your parted lips, his tongue greedy in it's claim of your own. Everything about this kiss screams his authority and threatens to swallow you whole. You absolutely relish in it.

Your hands climb his shoulders, digging your fingernails into the collar of his shirt and across his skin. One of his own drops to your hip, bunching your dress and pushing your squirming pelvis against the door just as he slots one leg between yours.

The pressure at your center is heavy as he presses his thigh against you, pulling a moan from your chest. Junmyeon releases your hip, allowing you to roll them against the fabric of his jeans. His lips remain where they were, smearing the flavored gloss of your balm against his own.

So unlike the other times you've done this with him, he is biting your lip, sucking it lewdly into his mouth and pinching the delicate flesh with his teeth whenever he feels like it, just to hear your appreciative fussing.

He releases your mouth with a pop, angling himself back to watch you. His breath is hot against your heated cheek where he tries to fight the thundering of his blood, "You're not fucking someone else." he murmurs, Adams apple bobbing with the air he is forced to take.

It takes you a moment to understand what he means, because he is right, you're not. It's hard to remember why he would say that when he has his perfectly sculpted thigh flexed tightly against your aching clit, even through all of the layers of clothing between you.

You swallow hard, licking your lips as you slow your hips against him, "But what if I was?"

Junmyeon laughs desolately, his hand slipping from your face to your neck and he tilts his head, letting the fingers brush against the column of your throat. Bringing his lips to your ear, he bites you again. His lips plant wet, open mouthed kisses high on your neck. You think you might get high just from the obscene sounds of his mouth so close to your ear alone. You gasp when he speaks again.

"Because if you were, I would say they're doing a very poor job of it." he whispers against your skin, suddenly biting the flesh there, sucking hard enough to make you cry out.

You breathe, panting into his own ear, "What?"

Junmyeon chuckles, lifting his head so he can stare at the place where your core is pressed against him, "You're soaking my jeans already, just from this?"

You want to speak but nothing more than a garbled moan passes over your lips, red and swollen from him.

"Does this excite you? It drives me crazy. You...drive me crazy." he drawls.

He tuts his tongue at you and your eyes follow his down. Surely enough, your cheeks flood with heat at the realization that you are very much wet and staining his jeans.

It's oddly hot, scorching a flush into your bones at the sight of it. At the notion that for the rest of the night Junmyeon will be walking around with this very obvious exclamation of your activities. Of your mutual obsession and possession of each other. You probably will, too, with the tenderness you can feel growing from his mouth against your neck.

Your heart flutters when you realize he's grinning at you with his bottom lip between his teeth. He knows he's right, tucking that smirk into his cheek as he guides your hips into more forceful motion against him.

The pressure rips a moan from your throat. Your throat that his lips are attached to again, his palms too warm against your face where they press to make your head fall back and expose more skin to his hungry mouth.

"Do you want me to fuck you? Here, in public? In this dirty bathroom?" he breathes against you. It sends sparks down your spine and you grind yourself harder against him.

"Yes." you whine at him, your hands gripping tightly to his biceps.

You do your best to bring your knee up against his crotch gently, prompting him in some way, but he refuses, "No. I'm not fucking you tonight."

The sentence has you whimpering into the air between you. This time, you aren't in any position to dictate how the events will play out for you. Junmyeon is in full control, guiding your body how he sees fit, and you love every second of it.

Hotly, he groans against the side of your neck, "Bad girls don't get what they want."

He licks your ear, gently tugging the lobe between his teeth. When he releases it, he whispers, "Tonight you're going to ride my thigh until you come."

You realize you're not sure when you closed your eyes, but you squeeze them tighter anyway, imagining the stain it will leave behind in your mind with a sigh. Your cunt clenches once around nothing, serving to remind you just how empty he is leaving you tonight.

Perhaps when it's over and you regain the clarity for proper thought you will be grateful, understanding that Junmyeon is still being so good to you, instead of denying you any orgasm at all. Somewhere in the back of your mind you know it's because this gets him off just as much.

The coil in your gut is winding tighter and you're certain if he were filling you right now you would be shattering into a million pieces. The roughness of his jeans is an adjustment, the wetness and friction of the material causing the thin silk of your panties to fold and create one more bump for your clit to catch against.

Junmyeon hisses, "I can't wait to see everyone's faces when we go back." and his lips are kissing at your own again. His hands are in your hair and against your neck, lightly pulling you to look at him as he claims your mouth desperately, "I can't wait for them to know I'm the only one who makes you fall apart. Even without fucking you."

Another deep kiss before he opens his mouth again. As if he can't stop confessing the dirty thoughts he is having. Gods, just hearing him talk to you like this is enough you think. You're panting openly, teeth beginning to clench as he pilots your trembling thighs in a punishing rhythm.

"That I'm the one you're fucking. I want to make them jealous just by this proof alone. Look at you, you're a mess." The kiss he places on your lips after the words is tender, "So beautiful." he murmurs.

You're so close. So fucking close and so turned on and so sad all at once that his cock isn't buried deep inside of you, where you wish it was. That he isn't moaning out his release right alongside you.

He talks again as you chase your high, "Tell me I'm right, sweetheart. Tell me it's only me that you think of when you're alone in your bed." His forehead presses against your own, his own breath falling into the humid space you're panting into.

Your limbs seize up. Only a few more weak rotations of your hips will do it, but he pulls his leg away. Immediately, you cry with frustration.

"Tell me." he demands, eyes boring into yours with a smile. It lights your veins on fire and you feel like you might just find your release in his words only. You're so close, and you're not willing to fight him on it because you both know he's right.

Although he is demanding this of you, there's an edge to his voice and in his face that is asking you for reassurance that you feel the same way about him. Something not demanding at all but pleading. A softness you're hoping is him looking at you and begging you to confirm that his feelings for you are matched.

His fingers ghost over the wetness of your panties and you moan, "It's you." you mumble, desperately rolling your hips toward him.

Junmyeon returns his leg to you with a smile, allowing you to take your fill and use him. Luckily, it doesn't take long for your impending release to return. Not with the way he is kissing at your face and your neck and biting softly, following the subtle pain with licks of pleasure.

"Only you make me feel this way." you whimper against his hair quietly between your ragged breaths. Junmyeon stills his mouth but you're vaguely aware you can feel his lips stretch into a smile against your neck as his arms wind around you a little tighter.

You moan again, body trembling in his grasp, "I don't want anyone else to make me feel this way. Junmyeonnie, fuck... I- I don't want to bel... belong to anyone else."

He raises his head and watches you with parted lips and an awed expression on his face. It's enough for you to take one last peek before your eyes screw shut and your back arches off the door with a high pitched cry against his shoulder.

Junmyeon holds you through your orgasm, rocking your hips against his thigh until you're sagging back against the wood, spent. Your chest heaves. It is while you're recovering your breath do you understand the magnitude of what you said as you shattered into a million pieces for him and only for him.

He didn't miss it, either. However, your heart doesn't ache in the aftermath of it. It doesn't hold itself out on a wire or wait to fall because the pure fondness Junmyeon is regarding you with tells you all you need to know.

Suddenly, he smiles, wide and happy, before his lips claim yours again. This kiss is disarming in a way that has your body melting into him. There's no urgency to claim or to break away. Just a repetitive locking of wet lips slotted together in harmony, lingering in comfort against each other.

As you recover from your bliss, you catch the scent of your orgasm, all of your juices concentrated in one place and held like a trophy in the fibers of Junmyeon's ruined jeans. You cover your mouth when you see it, laughing as if you can't believe it's real.

He smiles down at it, too, raising his brows at you in a suggestive appeal. "Thank you." he says simply, as if you had just given him the best gift. Neither of you is willing to disturb the moment by regarding the deeper, obscure meaning of it.

Instead, he reaches past you to unlock the door, softly brushing the crimps of your dress out as he lowers it back to it's proper place.

He kisses the center of your forehead at your hair line with thinned lips, barely able to contain his schoolboy grin. His laugh breaks the silence and he shakes his head.

You're still a bit light-headed, smiling up at him and wondering why he's shaking his head, "What's so funny?" you ask.

Humming, he pulls you back into his embrace, wrapping his arms around you and tucking your head into his collar. He nuzzles your hair, "I was going to ask you for your number now but it seems I left my phone back in the room."

The affection wound into his statement warms you through, sticky sweet and thick like honey. "Oh." you giggle along with him.

Separating yourself from him to stand on two feet, you notice you don't have yours either, "Me, too."

"I'm serious, by the way." Junmyeon says quietly, avoiding your eyes by smoothing a hand over your hair. The gesture makes you smile ardently at him, a hum of appreciation sounding from your throat.

"I'm glad you are. How else are we supposed to get in contact if we keep making a habit of this?" you reply easily. An urge to step into him again and bury your face in his neck surfaces, but you don't want to be too clingy. The embarrassment of your confession not five minutes ago is still heating your face and making your throat dry.

Junmyeon grins, pulling open the door, "I guess we better go make sure we follow through then, huh?"

When the door to the room slides open and you and Junmyeon try your best to look completely normal, you lace your fingers together in front of you to stop them from shaking. You're so desperate to keep your composure, but you can feel the heat of every pair of eyes flickering over your body.

Not sure what else to do as you make your way back to the couch, you look at your lover. His lips are twitched into a proud smile and he meets every pair of eyes looking back at him without any ounce of shame. It does nothing to quell your nerves as Chanyeol nervously coughs and restarts his song on the karaoke machine.

The couch only has one Yixing clinging to it's well worn comfort, his legs draped one across the other, deeply relaxed as he appears to have sunk far into the black cushions. He doesn't say anything even though you watch his eyes fall to Junmyeon's pants and then your neck. While you make yourself busy trying to be comfortable on the opposite end of the couch, you observe the other man nodding his head and offering Junmyeon a raised fist.

They bump them together. You want to snort a laugh at the ridiculousness of it, opting to snicker with your palm covering your smile. Something hard presses against your bottom and you realize it's yours and Junmyeon's cellphones, abandoned there on the couch. You hand him his as you pocket yours without checking it. Everything you care about is here with you right now.

Once the initial shock of your return settles over the group, the atmosphere rebounds to normal in the span of fifteen minutes. Beside you, Junmyeon seems content to just watch. Jongin settles on the floor at your feet with a grunt and a deep sigh, puffing out his cheeks when he shakes his soju bottle to realize it's empty.

"What's the matter?" you lean down to whisper.

He pouts up at you over his shoulder, "Soju's empty. I want to drink more but I shouldn't."

Jongin repeats the motion of shaking the empty bottle again and you laugh, "Why shouldn't you?"

He peers at you as if it must be obvious, "Yah do you know how much sugar is in these? They're so bad for you but so good!" he exclaims. His pillowy lips and bright eyes are so adorable you have to resist cooing at him.

Junmyeon comments, "Good choice."

For five minutes you've been able to feel Soohyun's eyes boring into you from the same place you left him. There's quite the collection of empty alcohol bottles sitting on the table in front of he and Sehun. Both of them seem plastered, but laughing at everything that comes out of each others mouths with wide smiles and lots of bromantic slaps of hands on one another.

Still- he's watching you carefully. Surveying you for something you're not certain of. You choose to ignore it.

"Seems our Sehunnie has a drinking buddy." Jongin muses aloud. His lopsided grin shows more teeth on one side. It's cute.

"Yeah, it does." you beam, "I'm glad. Soohyun needs someone who can match him drink for drink."

All three of the members with you laugh at the same time. Junmyeon lets you in on what's funny, "Oh don't you worry. Sehunnie might be the youngest but can drink all of us under the table except for Minseok hyung."

Trying to picture it in your head is hilarious. The youngest and almost the largest among them, save for Chanyeol, facing off against the eldest and smallest. After a moment you're giggling right along with them.

In your absence someone has figured out how to change the lighting so that the stage lights blink and fade in pulses. For a while you zone out and feel how tired your body is after the dancing and the drinking and the adrenaline. It feels like your mind is awake and aware but your limbs are too heavy to move much. With a smile you let your imagination tell you that if a zombie apocalypse broke out right now you would surely die.

Junmyeon's arm is making a nice pillow, draped over your shoulders at the back of the couch. The thought that this is in part a display of claim makes you smile. You're aware that it shouldn't because it means complex trouble, but you let yourself enjoy the moment anyway. The affection and freedom to hang on one another the way a normal couple might. You silence your brain with the scent of his cologne when it tries to tell you anything else.

Jongin's smooth voice on the floor to your right drowns out Kyungsoo's soulful vocals at the karaoke machine, uncaring to put up airs of politeness when you and Junmyeon are being extravagantly obvious. You almost wish you could blame it on the atmosphere and the alcohol and the fun. Rather, you remind yourself of Junmyeon's words the last time you saw one another. You let yourself be selfish.

"You look so tired all of the sudden. Did hyung wear you out that much?" You want to believe he is asking because he is genuinely curious, but the glimmer of mischief in his eyes tells you he wants to tease his elder.

Beside you, Junmyeon is smug, curling his lips tight over his teeth and rubbing at his chin with one finger. The flush that lights your face like a Christmas tree is obvious even through the haze of the colored stage lights. There's nothing to say, but you're getting high on the fact that everyone can see and smell what you've been up to with him. Of the thought of his hands and mouth on you.

The younger man laughs. That same pretty laugh that sounds like a bell that you pick out from a distance every time. "Sorry. I mean, not really though. Even before the uh...yeah." he tilts his head once quickly to the side in his lack of proper words, "It was still clear that you're together."

You're half expecting Junmyeon to stiffen beside you, but he doesn't. Peeking up at him, he's just watching you in return with a warm smile. He looks breathtaking drenched in the royal blue of the overhead lights. Every bit like the king of his given element. The Water King.

"We, um..." you want to explain, to not lead him astray in thinking you're an item if that's not what it is. If you're being honest, you're not sure what you are with Junmyeon anymore. Were you ever sure of what this is or was? Your heart feels like something has shifted this time, but maybe you've just had too much to drink.

You chastise yourself. You're not even buzzed.

Junmyeon speaks this time, "We aren't together...right now." It's your turn to stiffen, until he continues, "We have to talk about it more."

Jongin scoffs, "Yeah, it's pretty apparent you mustn't do much talking when you're too busy doing all of that." His eyes flick to your lovers thighs.

Lightly, you kick his shoulder, "Don't be like that."

He frowns at you, twisting himself away with a false grimace, "Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you noona, but why not?"

Your eyes fall to your lap, "It's complicated." you whisper, your smile warping into an expression that says even you don't understand it.

Jongin pouts, "Complicated? What, just because we're idols?"

"That's part of it. At the least something to consider." Junmyeon confirms.

The younger man huffs at you both, his eyes lifting to look at you sitting there on the couch together in disbelief, "That's a terrible excuse."

"I thin-" you start, but Jongin interrupts you.

"I think it's pretty obvious you have great sex." Junmyeon kicks him this time with a hiss, harder than you had but not enough to cause injury.

He continues anyway, rubbing his shoulder, "I think you're both afraid of how good it could be. Of how well you get along and how comfortable you already are with each other."

There's a lump forming in your throat. He's right, you just aren't ready to admit it because it is absolutely terrifying. Junmyeon's frame is still pressed into your side. His presence is still warm and comforting although he remains silent.

"Other than the ridiculous way you're constantly making goo goo eyes at each other, it's still easy to tell you're important to hyung. I don't know you well enough to say the same for you, but you don't strike me as the type to be that flimsy." Jongin expresses his sentiments with a soft smile.

His words make your heart squeeze tight, beating stronger against your ribs. Before you can respond, Junmyeon's lips find the side of your head for no reason at all. Jongin is still smiling tenderly at you, and when your eyes briefly catch Yixing's on the other side of your lover, he's smiling at you kindly, too.

You can feel eyes on you from around the room. When you glance, Baekhyun, Soohyun and to your shock, Sehun, are all mirroring the delicate smiles at you and their leader. Chanyeol is, too, even while effortlessly singing the words to an old acoustic ballad in his deep, throaty tone. The remaining members aren't present or are otherwise busy looking at their phones.

"You would know better than most of us, I guess." Junmyeon addresses him with a grin, "Between you and Baekhyun."

Jongin flashes a wide smirk, letting it melt into a wistful smile, "Yeah."

It's all he says, effectively ending the conversation. The air doesn't feel as tense as it was, and god are you exhausted. The content feeling of this night and the orgasm and the couch and the fun and Junmyeon sink into your very bones and will it to rest. If you're not careful, you feel like you'll fall asleep here, and you still need to ensure Soohyun gets home safe and sound. His cat, Mingho, would claw your eyes out if she had to spend the night alone. Sometimes you think she's too attached.

Pulling your phone from your dress pocket, you hiss quietly. Your lock screen glares harshly back at you, the pretty pastel pink coloring of the clock doing nothing to soften the blow to your retinas.

04.17am

It's later than you expected, but you don't have work until the evening. Instead, you drop it to your lap with a shrug, startled when Junmyeon picks it up not one second later.

"Care to explain?" he whispers, pressing the home button and illuminating the lock screen again.

Staring back at you, behind the clock and notification bar, is a selfie of Lee Jongsuk. You laugh openly in return and take your phone back.

Junmyeon pouts, "I should be offended!" You shake your head at him with a grin, swiping your passpattern by muscle memory.

When the screen unlocks, you turn it toward him. Staring back at him now, is his own latest social media selfie.

"Oh."

Again, you're laughing. You laugh so hard you squirm, wanting to kick your legs about. He laughs with you this time, at least. After a moment he adds, "Still. It doesn't even have to be me, but not another man. Least of all not him!"

"I'm not sorry. Kang Cheol is perfect." your joke makes him frown.

"He's a comic book character, of course he's perfect." the deadpan snark in his tone has even Jongin scoffing a laugh from his place on the floor.

"Fine, fine. I'll change it, you brat."

Junmyeon smirks, "Alright, I'll remember that for next time." and it makes your blood run a little hotter. Your internal glutton for punishment is clapping her hands in glee. Junmyeon being dominant with you was not something you initially anticipated, but it is something you have been delighted to experience thus far.

It takes you a moment, but you push his buttons further by selecting a public selfie from Chanyeol and making that your lock screen.

"Yah, Chanyeollie?!" Junmyeon's curse makes the younger boy look up, wide eyed and handsome.

The green colored lighting and the karaoke screen illuminate him with a gentle glow as he gives you attention, striding easily over the folded legs scattered around the room.

You turn the brightness of your phone down before you turn it to show him your lockscreen. He laughs so hard he melts to the floor, slapping Jongin in the arm before he lifts it for a high-five with you.

"I'm so flattered." Chanyeol declares. Only after Jongin takes a moment to explain the story to him does he laugh loudly again.

Grinning, he praises you, "Savage. I like her, hyung. She'll fit right in with all of us."

The elder simply rolls his eyes with a shake of his head.

"But," Junmyeon lets his chin fall to your shoulder, "Do you want to put my number in there now?"

You smile at him, "Oh, I almost forgot!"

He waits for you to bring up an empty text, whispering one number at a time to you, ghosting a kiss over your ear with each one. He breathes a laugh and smiles sweetly at you when you send the number a singular heart emoji.

From within his pocket, you can feel his cellphone buzz twice in quick succession.

Saving his number, you type the name 'Junmyeon' into the contact name space with a single red heart and he tsks.

"Shouldn't it be Suho?"

Of course he would say that. It's been your thing every time you meet.

"I'm not changing it." The finality with which you tell him and then promptly shove your thumb against the save button makes him laugh.

His lips find the skin of your bare shoulder, humming a peck into the skin, "Thank you."

It only takes a fraction of a turn for you to comfortably reach his lips. There's some sort of comfort in them, soft and warm and real. Just pressing against yours without rush. Like the kiss you shared in the bathroom after your earlier activities. Like the kisses you've imagined might come from someone you really love.

It's sweet and simple and the world around you doesn't matter at all. You break apart with grins on your faces at Jongin's loud mocking of your PDA.

"Fucking gross."

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riverforasong · 4 years

Text

Climbing Through the Wall

TW: Self Harm, Weight issues, and family instability, oh and nudity, I guess. It’s a non-fiction thing so if that’s not your bag, thanks for coming anyway!

It’s never really been a secret, per se, but I’ve only just now started to freely admit to people that I’m a nudist. Be it out of fear of how people would react, or embarrassment stemming from a, now that I think of it, weirdly conservative upbringing, I never talked about it. I would drop hints here and there, but never much explicit, even with super close friends it remained a non-topic, despite the fact that it was, and is, a very big part, and honestly, fundamental part of my life. Hell, I’m literally naked right now (Probably, depending on when you’re reading this and what time of day it is, I could be at the store or at work or something, but it’s like a solid 90 percent chance). When the topic does come up, especially with people just learning about it for the first time, I get a lot of questions about it, which is absolutely to be expected, and I don’t mind it one bit, mostly because I love talking about this kinda stuff. One of the questions that always trips me up a little bit though, is “Why?” Why choose to go naked all the time? Which seems like an easy answer, being naked is awesome, it’s more comfortable, it releases stress, and makes it easier to sleep, and it honestly baffles me why anyone would choose to wear clothes if they didn’t absolutely have to. For me at least, it’s the only time I’m ever really comfortable, clothes and I just never really gelled. But it wasn’t until recently, and I’m talking within the last 3 months recently that I realized how important it was to me, and the recovery of my self image. My self esteem has always been low, and a lot of that stems from how I physically look, but it goes even deeper than that. From here on out this story gets kind of intense,TW: Self Harm, Weight issues, and family instability, oh, and nudity I guess, but you should have figured that out by now, so if you’re not into that, maybe skip to the last paragraph? Or you could bail out here, the whole gist of it is being naked makes you feel better about yourself, you and your friends should give it a try sometimes. Got it? Good, and here we go.

I’ve always been the fat kid, right from the get go, in school that’s how I was pegged. Like a lot of fat kids, we learned to be the funny one in the group, because humour is a damn fine way to mask any and all insecurities you’re hiding within yourself. I’d always told myself that it doesn’t bother me, people are gonna say what they say and you can eiher take it personally, or let it roll off your back and make a joke about it, and that’s what I always did. Or at the very least, tried to do. It worked, or so I thought, but I’d be lying to you right now if I said it never got to me. Late night when no one was listening, it would replay over and over in my head, about how that’s the only thing people ever see in me. That’s always going to be their first impression. I will never be loved if I look like this. Now this is a batshit crazy way of thinking in retrospect, but that’s how m'brain works when it’s back on it’s bullshit. Later in life, what I now know to be an anxiety issue and mental illness, went unchecked for too long. In my family, I always had to be the level headed one, parenting the parents so to speak. My brother had sever Social Anxiety Disorder and would lash out in increasingly terrible ways that he can talk about in his own damn story, but my parents were not… I dunno, mature enough? No that seems silly, equipped to? Equipped to take care of this in the way it needed to be. Yelling begat more yelling, violence begat more violence, you see how things roll. I would always have to step in and make sure things don’t escalate any further than they already had. Taking pieces of myself and shoving them in the holes of the levee to make sure the whole place doesn’t flood. It would work, things would calm down and merrily we’d roll along until the next disaster hit. This worked for them. It didn’t however, work for me. Being the person who took care of these issues took a toll on me that I didn’t expect. See, I was just as sad and angry as everyone else, but I couldn’t express it in any way, because I needed to fix the issues before they became worse, but unlike everyone else, I had no one to check on me. No one to make sure that I was doing okay enough to function, which as it turned out, I was not. The anger and the sadness and the overall negative emotion swelled inside of me and remained bottled up until it could no longer stay. I began to cut myself to release it. I couldn’t find someone to help, and I couldn’t take it out on anyone else, so I took it out on the person who mattered least in the house, myself.

Still with me? If so, here’s a puppy.

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Cutting may have relieved the emotional pain and stress I was feeling, but it also left something in it’s wake. Big, obvious, ugly, red scars. Crisscrossing my arms and legs. New ones would pop up every couple of days or so. A couple people would ask about it, I’d tell them it was my cat, which if you knew my cat made sense, ‘cause that little thing’s kind of a bastard, and the situation would be left alone. This went on for a while, longer than I’d like to admit, but the important thing was I got help. Help from friends who are truly invaluable to me in ways I could not possibly convey because I don’t know that many words. I’d love to say it got better immediately, and I never even thought about doing it again, but shiiiit, you know that’s not how life works. I still struggle with it to this day. I was however, on the road to healing, both physically and mentally. The problem remained though, these scars would be with me forever. You can still see them if you look close enough at my arms, and it’s been a solid ten years or so since the first major incidents. Now, as someone who already had a pretty low vision of himself, this did not help at all. I hated going outside, I hated putting myself out there in the world. I hated what people might think, might say, might point out. It was an awful ouroboros of thoughts leading to actions leading to thoughts leading to actions. I was disgusted with who I was and what I looked like. From the fat, to the scars, to the fact that I thought my head was too big, and my feet too small. Now, as a guy, you don’t know that you get to feel this way. We don’t talk about how men can obsess over their looks and how it makes them feel as much as we really do. There’s not a lot of self help books for that kind of situation, or if there is, I sure didn’t find any. Mostly 'cause I didn’t look that hard, mostly because I was afraid to ask for help, mostly because I didn’t know I was allowed too. There’s that ouroboros again.

This is where the whole nudist thing kicks in. See, my whole life, I always kinda hated clothes, getting dressed, shopping for them, gah, I just hate it. I was always more comfortable naked than anyway else. My parents on the other hand, wanted no part of anything like that. I remember as a 4 year old getting told I was too old to walk around without being fully dressed. Socks, Pants, Underwear, Shirt, the whole 9 yards. I remember bring up the subject to my mom, who was so horrified at the concept of me being a nudist she actually started yelling despite herself. We once watched a documentary where one of the characters was raise in a nudist family, there weren’t even on screen, and my parents would rally against them, talking about how it’s sick and why have these people no shame? I always gave a half-harted affirmation, but on the inside, it was killing me. I never drank, did drugs, had underage, unprotected sex, got into fights, that wasn’t really my thing. My rebellion was being naked. Naked inside, outside, sometimes with friends, sometimes in public, for as long as humanly possible, down to the last millisecond I could. But during the rough patch, I hated how I looked so much I stayed covered up, to a ridiculous degree. I’m talking long sleeve shirts in summertime, wearing shorts in the bathtub kind of covering. It was a mess. I figured the whole thing was a phase and it was time to outgrow it. It was time to repress some feelings and urges, and get back shoving my emotions and feelings of inadequacy back down my own throat.

I know it was a stupid idea. I’m also in the future.

This went on for a while, although I can’t remember how long. I felt miserable, and couldn’t figure out why. I kept wearing increasingly baggy clothes to hide what I though deserved to be hid. But I wasn’t getting any better internally, it just looked like it. I didn’t feel any better about the way I looked, I just stopped looking. I don’t know what changed, eventually. Something did though. Maybe I just cracked through the shell I had formed around myself. But for the life of me, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I may have hated the way I looked, but I hated clothes more, I guess.

When you’re naked for a long amount of time, a few things happen. At first, you’re highly aware and tactile about every single thing around you. You’re aware of every imperfection on your body, from love handles, to acne, to scars, to weird ingrown hairs, to what you need to shave, to how dry your knees are. Everything, Every. Damn. Thing. And then? You forget about it. You focus on something else, you watch TV, you play video games, you clean the house, you check your garden, whatever it is, and you forget about what little things bug you about you. When you do it over and over again, that first part where you obsess about everything becomes shorter, and shorter, until it eventually disappears altogether. Nudity helped me come to peace with who I am, and what I look like. I may not like a lot of the things about me. But I don’t obsess, it doesn’t ruin me, it doesn’t encapsulate all I am anymore. The biggest change was seeing it happen to other people, the first time I ever went to a nude event, it was the Portland Naked Bike Ride in 2016, and you realize how diverse we all really are. I saw fat people, skinny people, trans-gendered people, men, women, children of all shapes, sizes and colours hanging out and talking to people. I was horrified about what they would think about me when I came walking in, but no one batted an eye. We talked, we laughed, we shared stories and jokes and videos about whatever. I finally realized that the only person saying these terrible things about me and they way I looked, was me.

Whenever I finally tell people that I’m a nudist, I get one of two reactions. One is always someone showing a ton of interest, but not wanting to admit it, so they ask a lot of questions, but try to do it superstitiously, and two, people who say stuff like “That’s so cool, but I could never do it myself,” and that one always bums me out. We have taught people from the time that they’re born to the time they die, that being naked is a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing, and is only to be reserved for taking a shower no longer than ten minutes, and having sex in the missionary position only for the purposes of procreation after marriage, and for the love of all that is holy never speak of it, or practice it outside of these two times. It’s terrible to shame someone for something so simple and natural and helpful. To tell people right out of the gate that their body is shameful and should be hidden away because “No one wants to see that.” We kick their self esteem in the chest before it even has a chance to get started

I’m getting kind of soapbox-y and that’s not the point I’m trying to make. The point is, I fully believe that nudism saved my perception of myself, and I feel like people need to give it a chance. Separate it from it’s sexual connotation and invite your friends over for a naked movie night or something like that. I even ran a naked DND session once, and it went over like gangbusters. It helps folks who t think they’ll be uncomfortable for the first time focus on something else, and realize life is just that much better. Getting people naked and watching their faces go from assuming it’s going to be awkward to genuine fun and comfort is one of my favourite feelings in the world, because we stop putting so much pressure on ourselves and what we wear and what we look like, when no one has anything to hide..

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an-honest-fangirl · 5 years

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Got Red in My Ledger

So, I saw Endgame last night. And while there are definitely some things that annoy me and anger me, Natasha’s “endgame” wasn’t one of them. It makes sense to me as a culmination of her arc that started back in the first Avengers. And honestly, it’s kinda beautiful.

Or: I write a 1200 word meta that goes through all of Natasha’s movies because I have Thoughts right now and need to get them out of my head. Tagged for spoilers, but also putting it all under a cut because again, long, but also so nothing slips through.

The one line that I always see when the Marvel credits play is “I got red in my ledger.” Honestly, it’s one of my favorite lines in the franchise and is definitely my favorite part of the first Avengers movie. I never saw Iron Man 2, so Avengers was my first introduction to Natasha as a character. And in that movie, we’re presented with a very capable spy who smiles and demures and uses the perception that others have of her to her advantage.

But that all breaks the second that Coulson says that Clint is in trouble. Natasha absolutely freezes in what could only be described as a moment of panic and fear before she seals that all away again and focuses on getting the job done. There is a chink in Natasha’s armor; a small one, yes, but it’s there. There’s red in Natasha’s ledger. Not just red blood, like Loki says, but in terms of owing Clint. She owes him her life, in more ways than one, and she still needs to balance that scale. It’s not all about repaying Clint, though. Once Clint is back on the side of good, Natasha is still ready to fight and throw herself into the thick of things. Which, according to Clint, is very out of character. As he says, she’s a spy. Not a solider. But Natasha senses and knows that whatever is happening with Loki and the Avengers is Bigger. Bigger than her and what she usually stands for and operates by, and she can’t just stand on the sides and watch it happen when she can fight for it. Moving on to Winter Solider. Natasha is still largely the same closed off persona that we saw in Avengers. Again, she’s very competent and deflects most attempts to get closer to her. However, the chinks in her armor are growing. It’s not just Clint anymore. It’s Fury. It’s Steve. She’s caring for more people and gaining their trust and learning to trust them in return. She’s the one who releases the Shield files online. And as Pierce warns her, there’s a lot of bad things about her in those files. But Natasha releases them anyway, without any indication of hesitation or regret. She’s exposing secrets to the world instead of hiding them, and that includes the red in her ledger. Openly admitting and acknowledging past mistakes is often the first step towards being able to move on and atone for them, and that’s what she does here. Age of Ultron is... what it is. But we do get to see more of what’s motivating and driving Natasha. Due to her past and her upbringing and her violent life, she sees herself as a monster. Someone inherently evil, who should be feared and reviled and is useful in certain situations, but could never be a hero like the rest of the team. Even as she tries to open up more, to the rest of the team as a whole but also specifically to Bruce in a romantic sense, there’s this lingering fear and doubt in the back of her mind as to whether or not she really belongs there. Wanda’s visions remind Natasha of who she was, not who she is in the moment or was in the process of becoming. Because Natasha is already a self-sacrificing hero. I also see people saying that her forcing Bruce to hulk out is her embracing the more monstrous sides of herself, but I really don’t think that’s right. The monstrous thing would have been to run away with Bruce, to selfishly put her own happiness in front of the greater good at a time when her team desperately needed her to stay and help them. There’s a sense of pragmatism here still, yes, but it’s still a fundamentally heroic action. She’s more pragmatic in Civil War. Her main argument for supporting the Accords is that doing so will make it easier to mitigate and shape into something that everyone can work with. Bow your head and go along with it for now, and fix things once the calls for blood have died down. It’s very pragmatic, and honestly probably the most intelligent position someone takes in that movie. I also imagine that there’s more than a little relief at the idea of having someone else watch and check over her actions. She trusted Shield to be the Good Guys and do the right thing, and they ended up being Hydra. The Accords would give oversight, help ensure that what happened to Shield (a fundamentally good organization and idea that was eventually corrupted and turned evil from the inside out) won’t happen to the Avengers. But when the time calls for it, Natasha still does the right thing. She follows her conscience and trusts in Steve and lets him go. Despite the Accords. Despite the pragmatism that had largely defined her all movie. She does what she feels is right, again with no real thought as to the consequences to herself. Infinity War didn’t really have any meaningful scenes or development with her so I’ll skip straight to Endgame. Natasha stays. She stays an Avenger, monitoring not only Earth, but also other parts of the galaxy. She stays because there’s no one else to do it, because she knew that the Avengers were helping her grow and improve and change for the better as a person and she was terrified of losing that.

She’s openly emotional and grieving in front of people. Not just Steve and Clint who it’s already been established that she was close to, but also to Rhodey, someone who she hasn't really had a lot of screen time with. She no longer deflects any and all attempts to break through her outer armor. It arguably isn’t even there anymore. She’s the one who is able to reach out to Clint when he’s at his lowest point, offering him the same help and understanding and trust that he offered her when he first recruited her to Shield. It’s a role reversal, and one that perfectly encapsulates just how much Natasha has grown since that moment.

As soon as I saw both of them going to Vormir, I knew that we were going to lose one of them. I knew, in my gut, that we were going to lose Natasha. And not just because Clint had a dusted family that he was fighting for whereas Natasha “technically” had no one. (As if the entire Avengers wasn’t her family and her home and her heart.) “I got red in my ledger” also repeated in my head in a loop. Natasha had already committed selfless acts, but this would be the final one. The Big One. One that she was at peace with and accepted and chose willingly without any hesitation. This sacrifice would give Clint his family back, finally repay him for the gift that he had given her so many years before. That debt would be wiped clean. Except that it wasn’t just about repaying a debt. It was an act of love. Pure, clean, simple, willing love.

Natasha didn’t die a spy or a killer or a tool for some evil organization.

Natasha died a friend, a family member, an Avenger.

A hero.

#avengers endgame #endgame spoilers #natasha romanoff #wow this got long #my meta

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westcoastbroadway1443 · 5 years

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Be More Notes: my very long ramblings on BMC as I finally listen to the whole thing

Ok! I’m finally doing it! Now that the cast album is out I’m going to really give all of Be More Chill a listen, try to put the things that annoy me about the show aside, and give it a fair chance. And have decided to do running commentary here for the nobody who gives a shit lol. Going in I wanna say I’ve heard 4 full songs and random bits of other songs from the original soundtrack. And I’ll be listening now to the OBC album plus watching a b**tlg, I’m not totally sure when it took place I just know Will Roland is in it so at the very least New York. Keep in mind whatever I think of this show, if I end up hating it, if you like it you’re right. My opinion in no way invalidated anybody else’s or is above anyone else’s in my eyes, frankly I don’t enjoy not liking things, it just means I don’t get to come to the party and that’s not fun. So I might be poking fun at the show sometimes but if this speaks to you, that is fucking awesome! Also I’m old now and I guess no longer the target audience for stuff like this.

Spoilers for those who haven’t watched the show and don’t want to know stage stuff because I’ll be commenting on that. This ended up being really long, eh.

More Than Survive -ok this song I’ve heard before, and it both turned me off the show and also made me respect the hell out of it, because much like I give a salute to Black Mirror having the balls to make pig sex their pilot, I salute a musical that starts with jerking off -So far like Roland a little more than the previous guy. From what I’ve gathered from clips, while that dude is hella talented and cute as a button I kind of buy Roland as a terrified, desperate, frustrated high school kid more -Man I really do dig the hell out of the score and there is no denying this is catchy but some of these lyrics are so cringe -WHY IS A TEEN IN 2019 REFERENCING JOE PESCI?! -Ok I love the idea of a short bully calling somebody “tall ass” -I do like Jeremy’s body language better in this one. Also does he vocally remind anyone else of Max from Goofy Movie? Maybe this song just reminds me of “After Today” for no reason. -“super pimp” “mac daddy game”....OK! I’m going to try not to list every time I cringe. I just have questions -You don’t want to be Clooney...high school child in 2019 is Clooney really your reference for cool? Sorry I just struggle with this stuff because I keep hearing how this show is so in touch with kids these days but I just see:

-lol Michael came on and people went apseshit in the audience. All my nitpicks aside I bet this room probably has some great energy. -..Michael the clerk at 7/11 doesn’t pour your slushie, it’s self serve. Are you trying to seem cool to Jeremy right now? -Aah the boyfriend backpacks. I know of this ship -Yeah Christine brings the flutes!!! I was a flute player, we never get love -HAHA when Christine is doing her weird ass dance, in the recording I’m watching somebody right in front of the person recording just went “I don’t get this show”. Like me too darlin, but you got 2 hours left so suck it up -Oh but sir, check the playbill. The story is indeed about you -in summation this song kind of encapsulates everything I feel about this show, good performances and catchy as fuck and musically interesting and a lot of me asking “why”.

Play Rehearsal -Well Christine is adorable -wow wait what? wtf was that weird self harm comment??? Are we just gonna skip that??? -Ok I was a band kid in HS so I guess I don’t get this level of extra. Band rehearsal is just tuning and then fucking around until somebody makes you play Bach -...is Christine ok??? -Ok I think at least for now I may hate her. But I like that Jeremy likes her, likes her passion and such. I approve of her conceptually! I just don’t wanna be around her -I thought play rehearsal was gay, Rich?! WHAT YOU DOIN AT PLAY REHEARSAL RICH?! -...I mean I’ve seen Romeo and Juliet as a zombie wasteland movie, I would watch Midsummer zombies

More Than Survive Reprise -”least I didn’t have a breakdown and have to go the nurse” Ok fair, I can relate to that high school experience -this set is kind of working for me, basic but fun and the floor is neat -I know high school bullies are a thing I guess? But I always just saw them in movies? Now Middle School bullies were legit and terrible and I got the shit kicked out of me, but by HS I feel like everybody was too into their own shit to care much about anyone else?? Maybe that was just my school -Will Roland’s body language is real good in this show

The Squip Song -Oh! Surprise Rich lisp. Creative way to show how this thing alters you -..ok now we know about Rich’s dick size. I mean hon your short, maybe your penis is just proportionate? -DO I DETECT SOME THEREMIN IN THIS ORCHESTRATION?! Gimme all the theremin! -Ok so the squip made him be an asshole? Does he secretly want to be buddies with Jeremy? -Ok what the fuck are the people in the background doing here?!? -I know people ship Michael and Jeremy but I feel like Rich kinda wants to jump that tall ass??

Two Player Game -Ok the little sign for the game that came up was cute -These guys are kinda cute, even if I wish they’d tone down Michael’s “I’M QUIRKY!! YOU GET IT?!?” shtick -That is accurate! Y’all will be cool in college and I don’t see that brought up often -This is the first time I’ve found the choreography fun -...why is this dad allergic to pants?? -ah. Depression=no pants. And now I get why Jeremy’s so desperate not to stay as he is. Well points for making it not just about the girl -awww Michael is his bae -bro I’ve heard Loser Geek Whatever, you’re tellin lies right now to your buddy -LOL! WTF IS THIS WINDOWS SCREENSAVER OF A VIDEO GAME?!? -oh wow dancin went off the rails here at the end

Squip Enters -Mountain Dew? Well, better than Surge I guess. -Ok the Ecto Cooler line legit made me laugh. And I guess I could come down on the show for making Michael psyched about a drink that came out before he was born, but I have a pretty intense Crystal Pepsi obsession and that shit came out when I was maybe 4? So I get it Michael, you go enjoy your liquid ghosts -well that squip thing doesn’t look fun -Oooooh Ok Keanu is like factory setting, alright I’ll accept this. Though I will say this show would be 35% better if he was dressed like Keanu from Bill and Ted

Be More Chill Prt 1 -Hey stop shitting on Jeremy. I think I kinda like him -wow Keanu, I didn’t think you’d be so mean -I mean everyone chanting “everything about you sucks” is just how peeps with anxiety feel constantly. Eminem shirt ain’t gonna fix that -”Jerry-me” ok Will Roland is kind of making this work for me. -Him repeating everything the squip said is a fun little sequence. Like I dig this conceptually, scifi musicals are rare and can be neat - Lol the hate who they hate thing is pretty accurate

Do You Wanna Ride? -hey Jeremy what about Christiiiiine

Be More Chill Part 2 -the beginning of this song broke me a little. Hey! I’m feelin a thing! -this song is pretty fun! It works! -though the cast of like 10 people that just keep putting on different wigs make it feel like a high school play or a starkid production

Sync Up -ok so now I know I’m watching previews? Because sync up isn’t here -I do think this song is a really good addition. I mean it’s not like a stand out fantastic song but it does a good job getting across the themes and drives home the whole “everybody has problems” thing too which I like -Ok..dairy line was weird.

A Guy I Could Kinda Be Into -Ok the weird girl fighting stuff about Jake is unpleasant and sort of unnecessary -a squip gives you a deep voice and the ability to kinda do accents. Cool -ooo this is catchy, this is gonna make the spotify playlist -the goofy background hearts are cute. I still don’t know why she’s into Jake or why she’s friends with Jeremy or if they should be together since legit the only thing she thinks they have in common is theater which he doesn’t care about..but this song is still cute -lol squips understand friend zone

Upgrade -DID THIS SHOW JUST KILL EMINEM?! -How did the squip know that?! Does Eminem have a squip?? I mean it kinda makes sense.. -Don’t you see Jerbear?! The key to popularity is in this girl’s vagina! Happy they cut the “I’ll tenderly guide you just take me inside you” thing, little creepy -Why did Jake make a kicking motion to illustrate cricket? I’m like 85% sure Jake doesn’t know what cricket is... -the “feel all the feels” like is a little goofy but I really like the rewrite for this song, showing some depth of character. Good job, show! And I’m seeing some chemistry between these two, but I don’t know if I’m meant to? -Oh no! The whole “you looked at me” thing from Brooke was so sweet and sad. And the player two thing. Yeah this OG version of this song can go fuck off, the rewrite is a really good tune. I’ll admit the original maybe built up the horror a little, the squip sounds more threatening coming in at the end but I like where there going making this about everyone and not just Jeremy

Loser Geek Whatever -Squip blocked Michael?? You’re a dick, Keanu Reeves -I didn’t love this song when I first heard the single but hearing the version on the album and the stripped down piano version, I really really like it. Gives me some of those old geek feels from back in the day -sort of surprise by how little is happening on stage though? I sort of assumed something was happening as the song built? But nope, just Will rocking his wee heart out -LOL! What is Squip’s new outfit???

Halloween -Ah, it’s this show Big Fun. This is a lot catchier than Big Fun though -I went to exactly one of these kinds of parties in HS, just replace Halloween with punks after a rock show and add a lot more drugs. I didn’t hide in a bathroom but I did hide next to the stairs until my mom came and got me. Memories!! You know what this show is succeeding I suppose, it’s making me have HS feels -...is Jake dressed as Thomas Jefferson? -Jenna you’re too cute for that costume. You should get to wear something sexy too! Unless you just dig clowns in which case enjoy yourself hon -Ooooooh Prince, I get it -this is not this show’s fault at all but I struggle with dancing in shows. I mean the title of my blog is The Girl Who Used to Hate Musicals because I did, and while I love them now extended dancing sequences still take me out of a show real fast. I know I’m in the minority here -...what the fuck is that weird fuzzy thing with the big teeth -Hot damn! Go Rich! Dancin fool

Do You Wanna Hang? -I don’t like any part of this plot line... -Ok! Didn’t realized she was dressed like a “sexy baby” so the diaper line sort of horrified me. I mean it still does! I just understand it now

Michael in the Bathroom -hey the bathtub! Ok I know enough to know what happens now -Jeremy why you gotta be so mean -I mean what is there to say, great song. I wondered if they’d change anything for the new recording and I dig the arrangement, especially the stripped down acoustic guitar and piano parts!! Also as a lady who maybe once or twice since discovering this song has gotten tipsy and sung it karaoke-like, appreciate the slower and the higher. It’s not a lot, just a bit, but makes it less of a struggle to match. Thanks bro!

A Guy That I’d Kinda Be Into (Reprise) -Finally! They’re both giant doofs but I see some connection! And I mean my roommate and I have noises we always make at each other like a call and response, so I gets it -He asked it! So proud. Rejected but proud of the boy, and rejected for good reasons

The Smartphone Hour -Heard part of this song before. Really like this Jenna more than original Jenna, her performance was a little much for me -This is one of those songs where I really do feel like I’m watching a HS original production..but a good one? Maybe cause I haven’t seen something like this on Broadway, but that’s a good thing. Always good to see new kinds of things on Broadway -lol what is the middle of this song?! I feel like I’m suddenly watching a cheer squad or like a John Waters inspired musical, which from what little I know of Joe Iconis I think he’d be cool with that comparison

The Pants Song -Jeremy don’t be mean to your dad! -Yipes is this the Break in a Glove or Dead Gay Son of BMC?? -....yeah it totally is -”Do you love him??” Has Jeremy’s dad finally given up on finding a girl in Jeremy’s room? -Ok ok I’m gettin the ship

The Pitiful Children -So squip just looks like this now, I thought maybe he was just being fancy for Halloween -Hot damn Jenna! Why were we savin that voice?! -I feel like I’m missing something with these weird hand motions the squip is always, do they actually mean something? -goosestepping...alright. Oh no Jeremy did the hand motions, I think that means a thing

The Play -Jeremy is being so creepy but he means well? I guess? -lol using the play to spread the squips is pretty clever -wtf red mountain dew? Really? You know what fuck it, discontinued drinks for the win. Maybe my saved bottles of Crystal Pepsi will stop an apocalypse one day! -Michael’s entrance was cute, and hey he just happens to have code red. I wish ecto cooler was what shut it off. -The glitching voice is crazy when Jeremy is fighting Michael and I love the way Jeremy is sort of bobbing up and down in fighting stance like a video game character, Fun touch -squip is making Jeremy go all Idle Hands! -I prefer the recording version of the guys making up, the whole “I just wanted to be liked” “I just wanted to be seen” thing -the squip has to be so extra even in death

Voices in My Head -hey lispy Rich is back! And bi now I guess? -Oh is that why people think Michael/Jeremy are a thing? The squip blocked Rich’s bi thoughts from him and it blocked Michael from Jeremy’s vision? I mean it would be an interesting story, I’d take it. -This might be my favorite song and I don’t really know why, I don’t super love that Jeremy still gets Christine in the end but I just love how this song sounds -I’ve never heard a character wearing pants get an applause? -improved lyrics in the Broadway version, and since it got more into the popular kids as people you can kinda see why they’d still stay friend with Jeremy -”I’ll throw you a rope home slice if you need some dope advice” like is this parody? What is this?? Well..still my fav song despite this line. A line they liked so much it’s the one original popular kid line they kept in the new version??? -don’t know if I see much future for these two, but Jeremy’s reaction to the kiss was cute -”Of the voices in my head the loudest one is mine” is my favorite line of the show -lol Rich’s little sneak hug. I feel like Rich always wanted to be friends with Jeremy? Or had a crush on him and that’s why his squip made him beat Jeremy up? Is this pairing a thing?

Final thoughts: This was so stupid long, nobody read this but that’s ok! It was fun to take notes anyway. Listening to it all, I liked it more than I thought I would, especially with the lyric changes. I don’t know if I would like it as much if it wasn’t Will Roland, the dude just really made this character likable when he could very easily not be. Some of the lines still bug me, there’s still a lot of cringe here but there’s also a lot of good stuff. This show introduced me to Joe Iconis and I’m slowly falling in love with him from his other work and CANNOT WAIT for Broadway Bounty Hunter because that sounds so like my jam. Overall I do get why people like this show, especially younger people because you can relate to the characters but maybe you want something a little peppier than DEH. I don’t think this is a soundtrack I’m going to ever listen to all the way through, but I’m for sure grabbing a handful of songs and sticking them on my musical play list. And when this thing goes on tour and ends up in LA, I think it would probably be worth checking out if I can, looks like a fun watch. Though with all the young fans and internet fans if they’re smart they’re gonna record this bitch.

#Be More Chill #BMC #joe iconis #Will Roland #musicals #musical review #jess babbles about a thing

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lighthouseborna · 3 years

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(Survey Says? Fruit!) || Not currently accepting

Not to answer this a billion years late but I kept going back and forth on it and you know his childhood(+the ways it affected him) has been something I’ve touched on a little bit? But I don’t know there’s just something so nebulous about childhood in general that trying to encapsulate is. Bizarre and difficult. I’ve got a few links for times I’ve said stuff [ (here), at the start (here), the first couple paragraphs (here), and like... kind of (here) ] but also now let’s move on to the actual question(s) at hand:

how would my muse describe their childhood?

Henry’s view of his childhood is a little mixed, there’s some scares and scars and shadows, but in general, his description of his childhood would be positive. His father wasn’t there and that sucked; he was loved and cherished and encouraged and taught. Pile of good things, pile of bad things, they’re not they’re to be weighed or measured against each other they’re just both true. When speaking about it, though, he’s not likely to bring up the negatives unless that’s specifically what he was asked about, because that’s just...not really what comes to mind. And it’s not who he is, to amplify negativity.

Personally I feel like Elizabeth would have worked very hard to give him the space to be able to be a child. Things would have been turbulent, war on piracy this, escaping eradication that, I think there’s a very real threat of like... various parties trying to get to and use him as a piece of weaponry or bargaining against his mother. And I think she worked and worked and worked to keep all of that as far away from him as she reasonably could while still keeping him safe. And I think, looking back at it now, he knows that: I think it informs (his current level of closeness to her.)

Beyond this I think a really big, really important part of his childhood was the perception of having a voice. Of being heard, listened to. I’m not saying he was given a license to go about making demands like a Charlie and the Chocolate Factory villain kid or anything but I think, when he said things, and spoke honestly, and asked questions, there was (almost) always someone who heard him. Who took what he said into thought, and corrected him if his ‘honesty’ was offense in a bad wig, and answered him. Not just talked at him, but answered. Built conversations and shared things. Which, of course, taught him in turn how to listen, to hear and to build. How to see things. How to know that some people are more honest in their dishonesty than others are in their lists of facts and truths.

And yeah sometimes he’s a little bit of a know-it-all and can be self-righteous now, but shhhh.

how much has it impacted the person they are now, or will become as an adult?’

(This post, which is the last one I linked at the top) actually brings up the answer to this so what if I just. Paste the relevant part here:

❝one of the things Henry does very well, better than all of his parental figures, is that he communicates. You do not have to do very much wondering about what Henry thinks, where he’s coming from, what he wants - he will tell you. (Assuming you didn’t read it on his face first anyway.) And you might think ‘what’s the point of bringing that up when comparing him to them’ and I’ll tell you it’s that he’s so open and forward because he was never made to feel like he couldn’t or shouldn’t be. He is trusting because they did not break their promises to him, or turn things back on him. Caring because they did not tell him it was weak to be. What distant parenting (“parenting”) taught Jack and what a restrictive structure taught Elizabeth show up, in Henry, as the things they refused to pass on. Will’s sense of childhood abandonment and later betrayal are avoided with stories and assurances that were not lies; Jack and Elizabeth do this intentionally, on Will’s behalf. I suppose Henry is very uncommonly lucky in that regard. The gift they gave him, day one, was freedom. Freedom to be as like or unlike anyone; freedom to just be. Here is the truth, Henry. This is the world. Go into it as you will. So he is unconventional and questions things and listens not only because he is of that nature but also because his parents (all of them) were diligently dedicated to letting him be. The greatest thing he inherited was -is- the capability to simply be exactly what he chooses.❞

I could probably write another set paragraphs on it but tl;dr the manner and tone of his childhood directly informs his determination, confidence, and earnestness. (Also his weird conflicting temperament (laid back but also kinda impatient and fighty???))

around what age did they or will they start to mature, and why?

I. Maturity is tricky?

On the one hand he’s got an emotional intelligence that is very strong and very willing to engage with nuance. Things aren’t cut and dry, the world is weird, there’s a lot he doesn’t know and he knows that he doesn’t know it. His interpersonal skills are also very good, he’s attentive, understanding, reliably supportive and challenging when either is called for. He’s educated and values it.

He’s also wild, and mischievous, and provokable. He likes to tease and banter and favors humor above.. not all else but quite a number of things. He is impulsive. He is not careful. When he does know something, he can get a little self-righteous about it.

He’ll adopt and fulfill his own responsibilities, but will resent being trapped into certain commitments. He knows the value of differing views and compromise, and yet still will absolutely settle a debate with his fists if it cannot resolve. (Whether he waited for it to resolve or just assumed it wouldn’t.... is another conversation.)

His very direct approach to life just seems... very like a child, sometimes, but also has this air of like... someone who’s figured it out, you know? Someone who has discovered and learned and gotten to that way of being. So like I don’t know if I even consider him mature or if that’s something that will come later or even at all. I don’t know. Love him, though.

do they wish to go back to their days as a child, or have they embraced adulthood?

Nah. Childhood is his past and, though there are things he would have changed sooner if he had the chance, he wouldn’t go back to relive them to change it or to just dwell there. You have to keep moving. (He’s very good at keep moving.)

Adulthood...is relative. He’s embraced who he is, anyway, but he did that a long time ago I think.

One of the things that I .. really like about his story is that it has this... setup and general vibe of a coming-of-age, right? Little boy with problem -> grows up -> fixes it... except that fixing it is to bring his father home into his life. “Grown” characters don’t return-to-home as their win. They usually, in fact, move out of their childhood homes (planets, etc.) either because the narrative says ‘they’re their own person, now’ or because that option has been removed, one way or another. Henry has this coming-of-age tale that ends on “and now his home is whole.” Why would he leave?

Don’t get me wrong, he could. He’s capable. But why would he?

Limbo boy. Neither here nor there. What now?

#☩ there's a light that never goes out ( HEADCANON. )#Q.

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sleepymarmot · 7 years

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I still have about 200 queued posts (bear with me... and sorry followers on mobile), but I want to quickly publish some of my post-binging thoughts before the new episode comes out. (Because I get overwhelmed by other people’s opinions and can’t remember what my own were unless I write them down. It’s easy to recall which parts I simply loved for what they are because other people did too and I can reblog their posts; it’s harder to not forget my own perspective outside of that.)

I didn’t actually expect to post these opinions because I don’t feel comfortable criticizing TAZ the way I tear apart big franchises like ME. But I did write it down, so what the hell. Let’s start with the biggest piece of negativity then. I can't name a favourite arc but I think the last place is Petals to the Metal. The racing sequence was spectacular enough that I didn't mind the pacing that much, but the final episode was really disappointing. A combination of not actually explicitly confirming the pairing in canon (I seriously expected that would be the culmination of the arc) AND Bury Your Gays (yes, I know Griffin dealt with the feedback gracefully, that doesn't fix the actual story though) AND some extreme railroading AND deus ex machina/Power of Love (at least the latter was retconnet as in not retroactive continuity but retroactive context). That actually put me off the show for some time. I think this moment encapsulates my problems with Hurley's writing pretty well. She really comes off as a Mary Sue written by a self-aware male writer who feels the need to put female characters on a pedestal -- certainly not the most objectionable phenomenon, but still makes my eyes roll. I feel the same about Carey and Killian in The Crystal Kingdom and the recurring remarks about "competent women". (I mean, I understand the gameplay reason for that, it's not that I'm asking for super detailed fights between NPCs, but I didn't like the way it sounded in the story.) Thankfully Carey got some development with Magnus, Killian had a good introduction before that glorification thing started cropping up, and their relationship's good obviously; plus, thankfully, Lucretia is completely free from this (she actually might be my fave NPC in terms of writing).

I think my least favourite part of The Suffering Game is the final past bosses battle? It's not just repetitive -- this repetition, needless in this case, devalues the other instances of our heroes facing the past. The first big one was Noelle (great: surprising, touching, important for the overall plot as we now know), then we had the three robots (I was pretty delighted to see Jenkins and Magic Brian again) even it was more about combat than meaningful facing of past mistakes, then the destruction of Phandolin was seen again in The Eleventh Hour, and only a bit later the setting of the first arc will be revisited once more. So even not counting this scene, it was starting to get a bit navel-gazey, and the complete lack of story relevance of that battle diluted things even more. It kind of sounded like running out of ideas -- I'd prefer any other challenge or just a repeat of the random monster generation. (Btw I totally expected to see the crab from Rockport Limited in that lineup. It's kind of special to me because back I went "Ah a floating crab, yeah feel you boys, I hate fighting Praetorians too, at least this thing doesn't shoot lase--" and then it started shooting fire, lol.)

Back to what I wanted to talk about: I have lots of thoughts/feelings about consequences re: the last episodes. The spoilers I've seen gave me so much anxiety! Like I've read that Magnus loses memory so I completely expected him to lose everything. So I spent a lot of time in complete dread, and when I read "Magnus forgets" in the summary my heart dropped, and then it wasn't that bad at all so I thought "that's it?" and felt relieved until the fucking clone tank. At which point I thought "No, this is it" especially because all of the players interpreted it that way. So I was very surprised and relieved that he kept everything, and that Griffin was so kind to him. But that kinda brought me to another problem -- that the new body undid Magnus's sacrifices. He didn't lose a finger or 10 years of life; the only loss was the identity of his nemesis which a) is a sad thing and he might be happier without it -- I would; and b) the boys promised to take care of that. Meanwhile, Taako and especially Merle have to live with their sacrifices. That's unfair. I was pretty thrilled when I realized the sacrifices were For Real, and was feeling real dread and anxiety about them (can't say if in a wholly good way) and I don't like devaluing that. Though of course I'm pretty jazzed that the character who is at the moment my favourite got treated so well. That scene was cathartic as hell! But back to the sacrifices: I'm intrigued by the problem of balance of hurting the character in a way that's good for narrative and/or game balance (yeah the intent of "let's nerf them a bit" was easy to see) but not compromising them as a piece of writing. I didn't give a shit about max health or dexterity penalties, but the story significant things about losing body parts and especially memories sounded brutal and cruel to me. I actually laughed when during one of the commercial breaks Griffin said something like "I hope this isn't causing you too much anxiety" because I was rushing through this arc because of that anxiety! But in the end, as it often happens, the half-misinterpreted spoilers made everything sound worse than it actually was. And I was very glad and relieved to hear Griffin specifically clarify that he's not going to take away important parts of a character.

But despite what I just said, when I started The Suffering Game arc I was actually amazed because it was second arc in a row built around my personal favorite tropes! I really appreciate Doctor Who-ish journey through genres (that doesn't take itself seriously but also has an epic underlying plot. All my fandoms are the same...) Murder on the Rockport Limited also counts in that category. So if I had to pick a favorite, they'd probably be among the candidates? Well I don't know how to count Reunion Tour for that. I really liked The Eleventh Hour, time travel/time loop stories are like my #1 fave. And it's a closed room mystery too (like Rockport Limited). That was the point where I started listening much faster because I needed to learn the truth. (Also, the Lunar Interlude before that arc, with the three separate stories, was freaking revolutionary and started a new level of character development for the show in general.) But I was kind of disappointed by the lack of a Holmes speech-type explanation of everything in the end. Because a big part of enjoyment was the expectation that it'll all click together beautifully in the end -- and some pieces still didn't fit. I'm still not sure if I missed something or that wasn't explained. Why was Isaak, like our heroes and unlike everyone else in the town, aware of the temporal loops and free to act? What was the interaction between Taako's spell and the code word -- did the spell have any effect other than almost drowning everyone, would "Junebug" have worked by itself? I had some more questions I thing, but right when I was going to pause/think/rest, everything was swept away by the freaking Red Robe Magnus cliffhanger, so I continued to run forward internally screaming "Explain! Explain!" like a Dalek, and then that was joined by the aforementioned Suffering Game anxiety. And that's the story how I marathoned the last part of the show three or more times faster than I planned to.

I really loved listening to TTAZZ, both of them, it was really good meta! I think I started to appreciate the show more after the first one. I can see where the fan criticism re: representation is coming from, but I myself also belong to the category of people who can never visualise their own (or anyone's, really) characters and therefore really love the freedom of interpretation. I'm also a bit sad about the commentary on racism in the new one, which, in addition to the comments about the Taco Quest in the first one, made me pretty sure that storyline/running joke is not coming back. I found it really funny back then in the beginning of the show -- more so because I, myself, have no freaking idea what tacos are actually like. I mean, we might have some mexican food places over here, but I've never been to one. And I intentionally didn't look it up after starting the show because it was funnier and kind of immersive this way lol. But they sound pretty committed to non-committance about the enthnicities, and raising the topic in canon again would force the issue, so I think they're just quietly abandoning it. Story-wise, I'd love to hear something like "Taako had invented a dish and named it after himself, but the voidfish baby ate the recipe so he couldn't recreate it until now" because I'm a sucker for justifying jokes and tying them into the main plot/emotional storyline. But in general I'd prefer any option that offends people the least. I was kind of surprised when Justin talked about abandoning Taako's early "dumb" characterisation, because I hadn't actually thought it was "officially" thrown away. I assumed Taako was just really bad at paying attention, and got better at managing that as a part of organic character development. I actually found that kind of relatable, plus "absent-minded professor/wizard" is a classic trope. Also TTAZZ made me wish even harder for the lost awesome adventure of Magnus and Kravitz in the astral plane. And it was already slightly souring my excitement about the totally awesome & touching scene we got instead.

I didn't really get the exposition about the planes in The Crystal Kingdom, and the long explanation in the latest two episodes require more attention than I gave them. Hope today's episode will make things clearer. Some things I hope to hear explained soon:

Why has Merle died more times than Magnus or Taako?

Also, looking forward to the promised explanation of how Gundren can be Merle's blood relative lol

Why was the Chalice so much more self-aware and civil than the other Relics? Is it related to the fact that its creator has some special connection to the (a?) voidfish?

Was Magnus a wizard before? Being a lich, creating a Grand Relic... If so, why doesn't he have magic now?

If Magnus is a lich, can he one day die and stay in the astral plane with Julia like an ordinary human, like he wanted? If not, that's a pretty big and tragic turn of events for him. (Granted, this might be more of a D&D mechanics question...)

(I actually just found a Reddit thread starting with the same question, discussing whether all 7 are really liches or not, so these two points might not be even valid haha)

(I also saw someone theorize that Lup invented the taco recipe -- and damn I really do want to see that now. Imagine trying to figure out something and later realize that it was created by your dead sister who named that thing after you.)

(I was confused about LichBarry’s reveal because I thought at the end of PTTM he was mind-controlling Captain Captain Bane to poison THB. Someone had the same question and another person answered that Barry’s spell was only to make Captain drink the poison, and the murder attempt was on him. I totally didn’t get that. Between this and my question about “Junebug”, either mind-control spells are not very clearly explained in this show, I suck at understanding them, or both.)

(Shit, this list has transformed from future episodes wishlist into reactions to Reddit lol)

Since I was talking about Taako and Lup, here’s another passing thought: remember how Taako immediately wanted to be Like Them when he saw the lich duo? You know, the elven brother and sister?!

Not related to anything, but I just realized I can wear jeans as a stealth fandom reference and it's delightful :D

#the adventure zone #blah blah blah

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