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#bc we live in uncertain times lol

chicago-geniza · 2 years

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NISHT REBLOGN

well roommate is moving out in. 3 weeks. lol. & i guess paying next month's rent & maybe july but after that i am, uh. suddenly responsible very unexpectedly for $400 more dollars a month when i do not have a regular income & had budgeted very carefully to live off my savings. so that's cool. haha. i've mentioned my mom helping me pay for things before & overheard them on the phone (not on purpose, our apartment has no soundproofing to speak of) saying something about them not being sure what my situation was but "[they] think [my] mom has money" & it's like dude. we are not talking "generational wealth that can pay my rent" we are talking "can help me pay for OTC meds & occasionally wire me funds for food delivery when i can't walk" lmfao. i can't afford to cover our whole-ass rent for more than a few months max & now i'm in an annoyingly pressed position. not as pressed as 2020 covid eviction & not as pressed as 2016-17 couchsurfing homelessness but it's still unpleasant given the uncertainty & instability of everything else right now. come on, man :(

#guess i'm selling some stuff!!!#& trying to find more. freelance work i guess #i'm not fuxked-fucked but i would be if i weren't insane & hadn't contingency planned #& assumed i should be miserly & monkish & pinch & scrape to give myself a buffer #Just In Case #bc we live in uncertain times lol #but it's kind of a dick move to give 3 weeks' notice the month our rent is going up by $100 #like i'm gonna be broke in 4 months if i don't get a job & also i need to move out now ASAP

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sipsteainanxiety · 2 years

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Could I request headcanons on how Bakugo would act having a hyperactive S/O who has a especially hard time getting tired at night

i am. so sorry this is late af skfhsdkf before i answer this im just gonna plug this fic rq bc i was reminded of it LOL it's just what u asked for

bakugou loves his sleep. we all know he's in bed at eight, the old man, and once he's out, he's out. he's one of those really deep sleepers, yet he wakes up at even the slightest of things if he senses them.

he's gotta wake up early for his shifts and so he likes being well-rested for them. he doesn't particularly like having to wake up early of course—he'd much rather sleep in (who wouldn't?). but well, he had a job to do and he wouldn't let his urge to sleep stop him from being a hero.

for so long—so many years—he had grown accustomed to his set routine and sleep schedule. it was practically ingrained in him—he wouldn't alter it for anything. on days where he had to stay up later than usual or wake up earlier, he'd be so grumpy. his friends quickly learned that he needed his beauty sleep lol.

but then... he met you. and he fell in love.

once you moved in with him, though, he quickly learned that you were not... the easiest person to deal with when it came to sleep.

he loved you, he really did, but fuck you were hyper at the latest times of night. you would be up on your phone or laptop, watching shows or typing away.

at first, he left you alone, figuring that you would eventually come to bed or adapt to his own sleep schedule. but the first few nights where he didn't fall asleep with you tucked into his chest, he found himself waking up crankier than usual. and he knew he was fucked.

sometimes he'd wake up with you curled up in bed next to him. but at other times he'd find you passed out on the couch in the living room, your laptop still open on the little table in front of you.

there was one time he woke up randomly at three in the morning to find you fucking baking cookies. it was a nightmare.

he didn't blame you, no. never got too upset at you or too angry. but he was always tired once eight or nine hit, and he didn't want to sleep without you. he liked having you in his arms as he slept and he knew he couldn't let this shit slide anymore if it was starting to impact his own sleep. he was getting exasperated, at this point.

he came up to you one evening as you were reading something on your phone and stared at you until you looked up at him with a raised eyebrow.

"'m stagin' an intervention," he said bluntly. when you asked what for, he replied, "you 'n yer shit sleep schedule."

"my sleep schedule's not that bad—" you started to protest, but he was having none of that.

"bullshit, you went to bed at four a.m. last night," he hissed out. you gave him a sheepish look and fiddled with your phone.

"okay fine, maybe it is bad. but i just have a hard time sleeping!" you told him.

"no shit." he huffed and crossed his arms. "'m gonna help ya." you only gave him an uncertain look.

he was patient with you. he did his research. he made you try teas that would make you sleepy, had you try melatonin, made you do extra work during the day to tire you out, even had you try to do a 12 hour fast to reset your circadian rhythm. he wasn't going to give up, no sir.

he set up a rule that you couldn't use any technology after eight, to prevent you from staying up even more with all the artificial light in your face. you protested weakly at first, but you knew he was doing this for your own good.

some of the things he did worked. but not all the time. and he eventually had to come to a compromise with you when it became clear that you just couldn't fall asleep as easily as he did.

and so, you settled on going to bed with him whenever he would retire for the night. you let him curl up into your side or wrap you in his arms. sometimes you'd just wait until he would fall asleep until you'd pull up your phone on its lowest brightness setting to play around on it. other times you'd be on it from the start and would let him tug you close to him as he'd peer over your shoulder until he'd fall asleep.

it wasn't perfect, no. but it would do. and eventually, you found yourself falling asleep easier and easier whenever you were warmly tucked against him, listening to the sounds of his soft breathing.

#me typing this out at 2 am: man bkg would hate my sleep schedule #bakugou x reader #katsuki x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #bakugou headcanons #bakugou x you #this was lit rally just me projecting im ngl #is it obvious tht i've done all those things i listed to reset my sleep LMAOO #damn now tht i've typed this out its so similar to lori's wtf #lori if u see this im sorry i tried to make it different :skull:

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ezradogteeth · 2 years

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You seem so unselfconscious and joyful in ur gender experience/expression.. how'd u get there? I feel so self conscious making any sort of gender affirming changes bc I don't want people to see, which seems kinda contradictory bc isn't the point of gender expression that people see it. Idk. How do u manage to be so genuine and know urself so well? Or is that just the side we see here<3

2/2 Also sorry lol I know u get a lot of gender asks prolly but it's cuz ur full hearted gender journey is so aspirational/ inspiring (to me) :,]

i think how i got to where i'm at with my gender joy can be broken down into 4 rough factors:

access to medical transition & choosing to do it

growing older and having been trans for longer

internal changes in my mindset

community and loved ones!

to elaborate, 1. it's so so so difficult to feel pride in your identity if it brings you pain. like i've always felt joy and pride in my queer sexuality because it has brought me the joy of queer love, but for a long long time i just wished i wasnt trans because it had only ever made me miserable. i was a teenager, and public trans visibility was very small compared to today, and no matter what i did i could never pass. the few years (age 16-18) leading up to when i started hrt were especially excruciating. i didn't even consider going on T until i was 18 because i'm nonbinary and hadn't heard about nonbinary people going on T until i saw the artist chella man around then. it was super difficult to decide to go on T because i was so uncertain and afraid of permanently altering my body and i didn't know anyone else on T. i decided i needed to try it and if i regretted it down the line then i'd deal with it then. my relationship to my gender immediately improved, it was so insane i was so stoked to have a gender and be exploring it. i was feeling genuine unfettered euphoria for the first time. i'd had small doses before from wearing a binder and changing my name etc, but it was always overshadowed by my greater discomfort. but now i was like YIPPEEEEE i can be a boy WOOO and then i got top surgery which was the ultimate act of reclamation of the self and the body and brought unimaginable joy because for the first time in my life i felt completely congruent with how i wanted my ideal self to be.

2. honestly it's just like every other aspect of your unique personhood, you get more comfortable with it the longer you live with it. i understand myself better over time, i know what i like and what i want and how to get it, i have more practical autonomy and sense of self. acceptance takes time :-) i had a lot of years of misery and uncertainty before this

3 & 4 are super intertwined - i've accepted the "you can do whatever you want forever" and "transness is sexy and epic" mindsets because i've been lucky enough to be surrounded by beautiful diverse trans and gnc people. being in love with other trans people has been holy and made me feel desirable and celebrated For my transness not in spite of it (thank you trans women), which has been integral to my love of my gender. having space to be myself exactly as i want to be and being surrounded by people who will see me as i want to be seen has been crucial.

honestly at the moment i'm in the best place i've ever been with gender stuff and it's largely because i moved to a place with a lot of trans people and i feel normal and beautiful and strong because i have a place among such a spirited and resilient community where i am valued (thank you trans women). when i was living in italy i was internally confident in myself but externally meek and hated how different i was from literally everyone around me. gave me brain damage.

but there is still an unspeakable isolation i have as a genderfluid person, where even when nothing about me externally has changed, i will be a boy or a girl or etc on a given day, and it is still a process for me to accept that i can simply Be the gender i am at any point, i don't have to justify it to myself or anyone else, i can just know for a fact that i am what i am.

ummm so yeah in conclusion i'm this way because ive been immensely lucky to have the resources to transition and have people around me support and inspire me to do so. it does also take some internal courage, you have to choose self-acceptance and take steps forward even when it's difficult, for example with transition stuff that people will see, i also have felt uncomfortable with the public nature of it, esp when i was first starting hrt, and changing my name, both stuff that took a lot of simmering in discomfort.

overall my advice is to take your time and don't be afraid. build connections with other trans people however you can, read about our history and participate in our present moment.

and as a last note, yes, there is always some disconnect between how i am on here and how i am irl, its unavoidable. im sure i come across as more solid and put together, i am more erratic and messy and uncertain and complicated, but everything i say here is genuine for sure, just cant encapsulate personhood into a blog. its also really hard to question your identity publicly. i always post after im more sure of myself so i can be confident - i wasn't posting my intense back-and-forth about starting T, i was posting about how much i loved being on T after i'd made my choice; i still dont post about my regrets and drawbacks from having top surgery, though i do intend to, its just difficult to be nuanced in this format.

thank you for your message i hope something here has been helpful your words were very very kind and i appreciated them, let me know if you want to know more about anything ive said here since its all pretty surface level !!

#love writing Responses i feel productive even though i am. not being productive. i still Did Something which is a lot for me rn #gender #transition

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randomoranges · 2 years

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this ended up being 2 ideas meshed together

i might still re-use idea 2 as a stand alone bcs you know me lol

also this was supposed to be lighter lamao.

idk trying to put words out there again

Belong

Early December, 2020

Edward lets out a deep sigh, glad to be finally home where it’s nice and warm. He’s halfway about to call out a greeting, when his gaze falls on the most peculiar of sights. Before him, in the living room, is what looks like Étienne, who seems to be standing behind a board of sorts. Around him, there are piles and piles of neatly folded clothes as well as other piles that still need attending.

Edward blinks.

For one brief moment, he wonders if Étienne hasn’t completely lost it.

Then, he remembers that he sort of has, which is why his boyfriend is sojourning here for the second time this year.

“Hello?” He asks, uncertain what else to say as he gets the last of the winter gear off and in the closet. His call gets the attention of Mercury who seems to appear from behind another pile of clothes. He’d ask the dog for information, but he doesn’t think she’d provide with much clarification.

“Before you ask, I can explain.” Étienne says in lieu of a greeting. It sounds as if he has much to hide and has come up with all the greatest arguments and Edward can only begin to imagine.

“Don’t get mad,” Étienne adds, before Edward can say anything, “But I had to iron my clothes.”

Now that he’s closer, Edward can see that Étienne is standing behind the ironing board and that it seems as though he’s emptied out the entire contents of his luggage, plus whatever was in the wash, to iron it all out. Upon further inspection, Edward even recognises some items that belong to him and there’s a pile on the edge of the sofa that belongs to Calvin.

“I’m? Confused? More than – actually, I’m not mad. Just – really confused. What is going on?” He asks as he takes inventory of the piles and the ironing board. He recognises it as his – or at least, he thinks it’s his, but the iron is foreign to his eyes.

“I know you could care less about ironing clothes, but I need to iron mine.”

“O-okay?” He’s not sure he understands much of Étienne’s thought process at the moment, but he lets the other go on. Lord knows Étienne’s been in a mood this past month.

“Calvin mentioned there was a board in the basement so I got it out, but for the life of me, I could not find the iron, so Sarah from the dog-park lent me hers, since her partner has a newer one and they just moved in together.” Étienne avoids looking at him and takes another shirt he starts expertly ironing.

Edward suddenly remembers that once upon a time, Étienne had worked in the garment district. He’d cut and sewn sleeves and pant legs and had developed a liking for it. But that had been ages ago and he wonders what it has to do with the current predicament.

“I figured, if I’m staying here for a long stretch again, I want my clothes ironed. I know it sounds lame, but it genuinely helps my mental health having ironed clothes and right now, anything that helps is a win, even if it’s a dumb band-aid solution. So, yes, I found an iron and decided to put your ironing board to good use.” Another shirt is added to a pile – it looks like his – and then there’s a pair of pants on the board.

Edward blinks again. He’s amazed Étienne’s managed to say all of that within one breath.

“It’s? Fine? I mean – I’m a little shocked, but – you do you?”

“We all have our thing, right? You deep clean your kitchen at like – 2am, well, I iron clothes and I promise, when I leave I’ll return the iron to Sarah and it’ll be out of your way!” The pants are placed in a different pile and Edward starts noticing a pattern. Étienne is nervous about – this and something else, most likely.

Edward places a gentle hand on Étienne’s wrist to still him mid iron and tries to catch his gaze. “Bouclé, just because I can’t be bothered with this chore doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to get mad because you want to iron your clothes. That would be silly. Especially if it makes you feel good and or somewhat better. If anything, I wish you would have told me sooner so I could’ve dug the ironing board out for you.” After all, Edward had certainly set up an easel in the guestroom for similar reasons and his pantry was stacked with some of Étienne’s favourite snacks. Whatever he could do to make Étienne feel at home, he would do in a heartbeat.

“Please, no, don’t blame yourself for it. I could’ve said something and – really, honestly, last spring I was in no fit state to care, so it’s fine, really.”

There’s a pause during which Étienne resumes with his task. Puffs of steam come out of the iron and Edward watches as Étienne continues on, this time a little less frantic. He goes through three more items before he speaks again, quiet, as if confessing some great secret. Edward leans closer, afraid he’ll miss whatever it is that Étienne has to say.

“You know, sometimes... I feel useless. Around the house.” He puts up his hands before Edward can retort and Edward closes his mouth, letting him go on. “I know you’ll say I’m not, but it’s how I feel. There’s nothing I can really contribute and this – doing laundry and ironing clothes – is the only thing I can do to genuinely help out. Half the time, I feel like I’m imposing and intruding or that I’m in the way. Hell, the board takes up space so I’m still in the way, but you get the gist, this at least serves a purpose...” He trails off, cardigan still in hand.

Edward frowns, not sure he likes where Étienne is going with the conversation. He gently takes the cardigan out of his hands and pulls Étienne closer to him, mindful of the iron and the board, “Nonsense; I’m glad you’re here. Really. I like having you around. And you’re not in the way. I like that you take up space. I like that you feel comfortable to take up space, okay?”

Étienne looks at him, as if he doesn’t believe him, but then the look passes and he nods, before he furrows his face in Edward’s shoulder.

FIN

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #fic #projocanondoko

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ackerfics · 2 years

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Hey Rory. I'm not living in the Philippines nor am I Filipino (I live in the UK) but your blog has really educated me about what's going on there with Marcos and everything. So just want you to know I hope things improve there and hopefully he gets recalled through a recall election or something (idk if that's possible / plausible?). Anyway, your blog has brought me sm comfort and happiness. So have this modern family clip to cheer you up. If you skip to about 0:22 I thought maybe tpt au Levi would be Cam, and tpt reader could be Mitchell lol or vice versa. Hope you take care Rory. PS: sending you lots of Levi hugs to comfort you in this uncertain time.

hey hey hey anon 🥺 I LOVE YOU FOR THIS — thank you very much!! it's sad to say that we have lost hope here :<< my family has been mourning with me (thank God we hate how the outcome came to be) and my friends have been distraught since last week. but the only thing that i'll do now is to finish my education and work abroad 😭 you melted my heart — my blog is always a place for comfort to you guys (bc it is mine, too 🌼) OMFG I WHEEZED AT THAT CLIP 😭😭😭 CAM, HONEY, ARE YOU OKAY??? NDIWJSJ tpt reader would be mitch with her pregnancy mood swings and when tpt levi leans in to give her a kiss ... well, it's not going to end good 😮‍💨 al and cae laugh at the background while oluo tries to help levi up. it's not going to be a good family dinner now that levi is embarrassed and confused and downright sad bc his wife didn't let him kiss her hhhhhh

awww, thank you so so much again, anon!! i feel so much better now 🌻 i successfully received those hugs and comfort and i'm returning them to you as well — have an amazing day or night there ily 🌷

#rorytalks #anons 💌🥰#this gave me butterflies 🦋 ✨🦋✨#serotonin boost (◍•ᴗ•◍)♡ ✧*。#beautiful hoomans ✨✨✨#submissions <3

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touchingwater · 1 year

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last time i cried: just a few days ago . i’m a late bloomer in many aspects of my life even if ik being in my early 20s is still young — when ppl say it’s ok to live at ur own pace i agree with it, but when it comes to the context of myself i feel there’s an exception lol cause i’m kinda slow to adjust to things. for example i only recently got my first proper part time job, and i felt so self conscious bc my coworkers are teenagers, on top of that they were the ones training me just a few weeks ago. i feel myself hoping they aren’t judging me for that, bc even if i know we all have our own circumstances and we don’t owe most ppl an explanation if we don’t want to, i kept feeling the urge to do so as if it was a need, not a want . i still never said anything, but that urge is everywhere, not just at work. it’s at school, in front of my friends and family, even when i’m alone in my room, like i have to explain to myself that how i’m living makes sense. idk i expected the growing pains to stop sooner for some reason . still being scared of becoming an independent individual and being clueless in front of ppl is just a part of living , and i know that, so it bothers me that i feel so much abt it. i wish i could get over it and not sound emotional since i’m still learning things and aware that this is all normal, and everyone feels uncertain like this at some point. but i can’t help but feel like i wasn’t cut out for being around past a certain age if i was going to sound so dramatic abt normal things, especially if i’m growing up very slowly anyway. i hate being an emotional person bc i feel like it makes me rly immature when i’m supposed to be composed and endure like everyone else does/seems to be doing. ik im doing a good job even if it’s just the bare minimum bc even just that is hard for everyone esp these days. it just feels like i haven’t earned/worked hard enough to be this scared in the first place ,, so i feel like my feelings and my pace of progression make me particularly childish and maybe silly . anyway hope ur okay <3

you are never ever alone in anything you go through and trust me i relate to u more than u probably know, reach out to me anytime ❤️

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momopeach · 1 year

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ive been so vocal about how down i’ve been these past few months i hope thats progress??? bc usually i never tell anyone but i’ve also been at my loneliest this year and thats kinda new for me too?? i guess im kinda grieving a lost friendship and i’ve never been through something like before but its a relief to cut ties w such a toxic person that would constantly find a way to make things about them and be super insensitive to others. i did so much for them and i just put so much effort into being an actual great friend to someone who wouldn’t do the same for anyone else. i believe im a good person and deserve good things but i get the short end of the stick a lot of the time. i just want to be someone’s number one in the same way that they are mine. even with my so called best friend, we literally live less than 4 mins from each-other and hang out like once every other month. adulthood is so lonely. and everyone is dating or breaking up and moving on to the next dude. and im still nowhere near that. literally have never been on a date. feeling behind and comparison has been the worst thing for me. i want a break from my mind most days. i’ve never been more free since graduating college, but i’ve also never been more uncertain. i know its possible that these things are coming for next but i cant help but cry about them almost every time i think about it. i hope 2023 helps me gain confidence, stronger relationships, more peace of mind and understanding of my emotions and how to cope/ work through them and blessings. i think having the tiniest bit of optimism towards these things is proof that they can happen. in due time. fingers crossed. lord willing.

crazy how i make this post about fake friends and cutting ties and 2 days late the fake friend texts me some drawn out message about leaving our friendship behind in 2022,,, as if we’ve even hung out this year lol thank God 🛐 im feeling less down about my status of singlehood but that comes and goes. you dont think about it until ur reminded so i have no choice but to stay busy. i also don’t really feel compelled to entertain anyone? like i never am in talking stages w men but i’m feeling free ?? overall my mood lately has been ok despite being under the weather. trying to keep my mood up while this fog rolls in and before i have my wisdom teeth pulled. hopefully gonna see a friend for dinner tomorrow night and i pray it all goes well. praying for productivity and healing ❤️

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plutominho · 2 years

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24 to 25 || i.n

✧ WRITTEN BY: max + galaxy

✧ GENRE: childhood friends to lovers, fluff

✧ PAIRING: jeongin x gn!reader

✧ SUMMARY: “stay for christmas?” jeongin had first asked you when you were both ten years old, but neither of you had no idea the bond these simple three words would hold throughout the years.

✧ WORD COUNT: 5.6k (oops)

✧ NOTES/WARNINGS: mild language + mild angst. you and jeongin are the same age in this (born 2001). also we’re planning to rewrite this next xmas bc parts of this was rushed so um. yeah :]

MERRY CHRISTMAS BESTIES 🎄❤️ this is the last imagine in the 24 to 25 series, i hope y’all enjoy!! and sorry this one and seungmin’s was so long lol

— galaxy

───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

“stay for christmas?”

you swore you heard this question every year. jeongin had been asking you this for so long, it was almost as certain as the first snow every winter.

in fact, that was actually when it started.

— 10 years old.

you were new to the neighborhood, having just moved from out of town. you’d been welcomed by the boy next door, who was especially nice to you.

you and this boy, jeongin, also had the same teacher at your new school. you immediately recognized each other from your neighborhood, and he was the first one to talk to you at recess and invite you to play with him.

after a week or so at your new school, you two began to walk to and from school together. it was not a far walk, so both of your parents were okay with it.

despite your closeness, you and jeongin had only known each other for a month, so you were surprised when he and his parents invited your family over for a christmas eve dinner party.

while the adults were gossiping amongst themselves in the kitchen, you, jeongin, and the other kids were in the living room playing with toys or games of their choice.

for you and jeongin, that was wii sports resort.

“yes!! i win!!” jeongin cheered, jumping around excitedly, after beating you at sword-fighting. again.

you groaned. “can we play a new game nowww?” you whined. “i’m tired of sword-fighting!”

“but sword-fighting is fun!”

“not when you keep beating me!” you pouted, desperately wanting a win after losing to him five games in a row, and you weren’t going to get that win on his favorite game in wii sports resort.

jeongin sighed a little before letting you pick a new game to play.

it had started snowing, the first snow of the winter, in fact, when your parents said it was time to go home. you fortunately were able to win some games, but that didn’t mean you were ready to leave.

“wait, don’t go!” jeongin’s lips curled into a frown as he ran after you down his driveway.

he grabbed your hand before you could get in the car.

“jeongin, i have to go home, i’m getting sleepy,” you said, letting out a yawn.

you tried to free your hand from his, but he pulled you closer to him.

“then why not sleep here?”

you gave him an uncertain look. suddenly jeongin felt three pairs of eyes on him—yours, as well as your parents’.

“come on, it’d be fun!” he continued, “you can take the spare bedroom, and we can wake up early to play more, i’ll even let you win a few times!” he then gasped in realization. “wait, that means we can spend christmas morning together!”

and that’s when he said it, his warm brown eyes sparkling with joy at the thought of it:

“stay for christmas?”

you, on the other hand, were not so sure. “um…”

your parents chuckled, making the two of you turn your heads.

“that’s very sweet of you, jeongin, but that’s something you need to plan out with us and your parents ahead of time,” your mom said. “we’ll see next year, though.”

you sighed, knowing ‘we’ll see’ was your parents’ way of saying ‘absolutely not’. “i’m sorry, jeongin,” you said with a frown, waving awkwardly at him before getting in the car.

but you had no idea jeongin would hold on to the last thing your mom said.

“we’ll see next year.”

— 11 years old.

you hit eleven, and you walked over to his house on christmas eve, presents from your mom in hand. “they’ve been so nice to us this past year!” she’d said, when really she just wanted you to branch out more.

jeongin opened the door, and you greeted each other with a smile. “merry christmas!” you’d said, and he thanked you for the gifts, setting them by the tree.

he came back to the front door as you walked to your house.

“stay for christmas?”

he yelled from his front door to the sidewalk, to which you shrugged, dramatically shaking your head. “mom would never let me!” you yelled back, grinning from ear to ear. maybe next year.

— 12 years old.

you rang the doorbell for the nth time that year, early in the morning. you heard footsteps running, and the front door was swung open.

“you made it!”

he led you into his family’s kitchen, and there was an array of cookie sheets and mixing bowls laid out.

“we can make cookies together!”

the day was spent in messy aprons, shouts of joy, and the scent of christmas throughout the house.

the two of you were lying next to each other on the couch, silently watching cartoons and fighting off tiredness.

“y/n?”

you hummed in response, turning your head to look at him. he looked at you dead in the eye, before asking;

“stay for christmas?”

he smiled, knowing that he’d said the exact same thing last year.

you sighed, thinking about it. you definitely wanted to, but it would be a christmas miracle if your parents allowed you to.

deciding to give it a shot, you ran home and begged like never before. empty promises were made, and the word “please” was said countless times.

unfortunately, all your efforts were in vain. you walked over to jeongin’s house again, and he opened the door with hopeful eyes that dimmed when he saw your state.

“not this year, maybe next year?”

the two of you sighed in defeat as you went home. maybe next year.

— 13 years old.

if only you’d known what that next year had in store for 13 year old you.

you hadn’t spoken to each other in probably half a year. any time you did, you’d be accused of having a crush on each other. middle schoolers, gotta love em.

unless it was for that night’s homework answers, the two of you stopped talking altogether.

except when you had to drop off a gift for him. from your friend.

you rang the doorbell and stood there, mind blank in nervousness. hopefully his mom would open it. or his brother. maybe even his dad. anyone but him, please.

jeongin opened the door, to your luck. “hi.” he greeted bluntly.

you pursed your lips into a tight smile, handing the small bag to him and explaining that it was from your friend. he immediately turned a stark shade of red, thanking you for delivering the gift before shutting the door on your face.

you walked home silently, just glad to have gotten it over with.

— 14 years old.

huddling your jacket close to yourself, you shivered as you walked away from jeongin’s house. instead of having an awkward repeat of last year, you opted to just leave the gift on his doorstep.

you heard the sound of the door opening, but couldn’t be bothered to turn around.

“y/n!”

jeongin was running down his driveway to meet you as you turned around. “i made you cookies. like we did a few years ago, remember?”

you smiled at him, recalling the fond memory as you nodded. he handed you a box of cookies, before running back up the driveway and wishing you a merry christmas.

that night, you’d texted him a thank you for the cookies. the two of you caught up with everything that had happened the past year, and you couldn’t help but miss him.

as you talked to him, you missed him. how weird. you missed the friendship, the fun, all the memories you’d made together.

next year would be the year. the year you finally became friends again. high school would’ve started by then, so things would be more manageable. right?

— 15 years old.

well, i guess things became more manageable. officially being a high schooler marked many milestones for you. there was also more freedom, which meant more time to spend with friends.

thank god you’d been in close friend circles, or else things wouldn’t have been the way they were.

all around the two of you, there were breakups and crushes, friendships lost and mended. your friendship had been the latter, as the two of you grew closer throughout the school year.

you went over to jeongin’s house, the other few friends the two of you had were already there. just like you had when you ‘were’ little kids, you spent the day baking and sharing stories of school.

at the end of the day, you were the only one left after seeing everyone off. the two of you were sitting on the steps to his house, watching your last friend drive away.

he looked at you from his spot on the stairs, a mischievous smile on his face.

“don’t say it…”

“stay for christmas?”

you rolled your eyes at him, making the two of you laugh. “are you for real, though? i’ll ask, really.”

he shrugged. “worth a shot, right?”

you ran home, just as you had before. this time, however, you were shut down quicker than before.

in place of the begging and the empty promises, there were lectures about how you “needed to be careful around boys your age” and that they wouldn’t let you stay “if their life depended on it.”

next year.

— 16 years old.

you hurriedly put your shoes on as the car horn beeped outside.

“i’m coming, i’m coming, hold on…” you mumbled to yourself before yelling goodbyes to your family.

‘be back before 8, or else!’ they’d said, which you took into little to no account. or else what, right?

you shut the door behind you and ran to jeongin’s car, getting into the passenger seat. you fastened your seatbelt and lifted your foot up to tie your shoe, ignoring the scolding from the driver’s side.

the radio played an array of christmas anthems as he drove, the two of you casually talking about things that would slip your mind within the next half hour.

the day was spent at the ice rink, making your bodies sore from all the falling and painful positions you’d been put in.

as you walked to the car shoulder to shoulder, snow began to fall softly.

“looks like it’ll be a white christmas after all,” you’d said on the drive back, happy just imagining the sight you’d wake up to on christmas morning.

jeongin stopped in front of your house, and you got out. as you shut the door, he rolled down the window.

you were fumbling with your keys when jeongin called your name. you turned around, seeing him waiting for you at the curb with the window rolled down.

“stay for christmas?” he yelled, and you could almost hear his smile in the way he spoke.

you smiled at the now-tradition question. you shook your head. “not a chance!” you yelled back, laughing to yourself as you stepped inside.

your parents were by the front door to your house, and you checked the time. 9:30.

well, shit.

— 17 years old.

understandably, when you’d asked to go out again the next year, it was a sharp no with no space for consideration.

instead, jeongin came to you.

it was now an unofficial tradition to spend christmas eve together, whether your parents liked it or not.

tradition is tradition.

you spent the day at your house watching movies and watching your videos from the year prior, making fun of one another.

before jeongin left to go back home, you walked him to the front door. he put on his shoes and you tapped his shoulder, making him turn to face you.

“stay for christmas?”

you smiled, it was the one time you’d been able to ask that question. he shook his head with a smile on his face.

“first of all, in your dreams.”

you stuck your tongue out at him, feeling like a child again.

“second of all, that’s my line.”

you shrugged. “well, there’s always next year.”

— 18 years old.

eighteen years old. who would’ve thought you’d make it here?

you went over to jeongin’s house, and you laughed to yourself knowing that the day would end in the god forsaken question.

the cold nipped at your ears as you turned the spare key jeongin had given you to his home.

practically a second home, you greeted his mom who directed you to his room, saying that’s where jeongin was.

you opened the door to find jeongin still asleep, and you rolled your eyes. tiptoeing into the room, you ripped the covers off of him and he jerked in shock.

“y/n, what the hell? what if i had slept naked?”

you laughed at him, with his messy hair and sleepy face. “i know you too well. you don’t sleep naked.”

he stood up, walking past you to use the bathroom. “you never know…” he mumbled.

you sat on his bed, waiting for him to come back. you looked over his room, and you thought about how the both of you had grown out of your rooms.

jeongin came back, his hair fixed and face washed. “turn around, i’m gonna change.”

“i can just leave— o-okay, i’ll turn.”

you hurriedly turned to face the wall, not having another option as jeongin had just started undressing right there.

you sat there awkwardly, silently willing your cheeks to return to a normal color after having seen his bare back.

he grabbed you by the shoulders, startling you. you turned around, and he was fully changed and ready to go.

“aw, did i make you flustered?” he teased.

you shook your head. “in your dreams, asshole.”

he laughed, pulling you up and wrapping his arm around you as you walked out of his room side by side. when did he get so much taller than you?

the two of you had grown up alongside each other, living through the ups and downs of growing up first hand. whenever one of you had a problem with school, trouble at home, or just had a lot on your mind, you always went to the other first. conversely, when something good happened to you or when you were just in the mood for doing something fun, you’d always invite each other along. you always put the other first, it was you two before anyone else.

that’s how it always was.

you both made your way to the living room, where jeongin’s parents were watching some cheesy christmas movie. you took a seat next to jeongin at the open end of the couch. he kept his arm wrapped around you, only readjusting slightly, and you rested your head on his shoulder.

absentmindedly, you played with the strings on his hoodie as you reminisced about all the other memories you have made with him in this very living room. you two really had been through everything together, and you couldn’t help but also think about how different things would’ve been if you never became friends when you first moved into the neighborhood.

when did you two grow up so fast?

suddenly you heard jeongin laugh softly, pulling you out of your train of thought and making your heart melt. was his laugh always this… cute?

you looked up at him, smiling when he gently rubbed your side. “what?” you said softly, letting out a chuckle as you struggled to meet his gaze.

“nothing.” he shook his head a little, smiling down at you. “you look like you have something on your mind, that’s all.”

it was your turn to shake your head, still fiddling with his hoodie strings. “it’s nothing.”

“you sure?”

you only nodded in response.

“is it—”

“oh, don’t say it.”

“stay for christmas?” he said in a teasing but goofy voice.

you let out a snicker and rolled your eyes. “in your dreams.”

jeongin laughed and gently pulled you closer to him, and you closed your eyes as you snuggled up.

in reality, as the movie played and the first snow of the winter coated the world outside, your mind was anything but quiet. you couldn’t help but keep thinking of the past, the one you couldn’t imagine without jeongin. you thought about this moment right here, right now, and how you never wanted it to end.

and you hoped a day wouldn’t come where it did.

— 19 years old.

by now, spending the day at jeongin’s house on christmas eve was second nature. what was his was yours at this point.

in the afternoon, the two of you settled down on the couch, his arm wrapped around you as you rested your head on his chest.

all of a sudden, jeongin gasped. “y/n! look, it’s first snow!”

you lifted your head out of his arms and your jaw dropped.

seeing how hard the snow was coming down, you hurried to grab your coat and gather your things.

jeongin watched you, his shoulders hunched into a depressing slouch. “what are you doing?”

“i have to go home,” you said, buttoning up your coat before slipping on your shoes.

“wait, don’t go!”

you heard his footsteps draw nearer as he ran after you to the front door, grabbing your hand before you could step outside.

“y/n, please don’t go,” jeongin said, hopeful eyes looking all over your face.

“i have to, or my parents are going to freak out.”

“y/n, there’s a blizzard outside, it’s not safe.”

“my house is literally next to yours, i’ll be fine.”

“it doesn’t matter, we can call your parents and tell them you’ll stay here.”

“jeongin, i can’t.”

“you have to!”

“jeongin…”

“y/n, i’m not letting you out there where it’s not safe. just stay here, you can sleep in the spare bedroom, i’ll lend you some clothes, we have some extra toothbrushes, whatever you need. i’ll even let you eat my desserts all week, hell, i’ll let you borrow my teddy bear if you need it! just please don’t go out there.”

he dropped your hand, and you flushed red as you realized he’d been holding it the whole time. the two of you stood there looking at each other, wondering what you’d do next.

“come on, y/n, please. stay for christmas? just this once. please.”

you sighed, pursing your lips as you thought long and hard about what you’d do.

“jeongin, i don’t want to leave you, i swear. you know that. but i really should go, my parents might worry, and i don’t want them to stress on christmas eve, yeah?”

jeongin sighed, deciding there was nothing he could do to make you stay. the one good reason he had, he couldn’t say.

all he could do was hug you tightly, tighter than he ever had before. you pulled away, laughing softly. he watched you walk away, a bittersweet feeling tugging at his heart strings as he whispered three little words he’d never be able to tell you face to face.

little did you know that that was the last christmas eve you two would spend together for a long time.

— 20, 21, 22 years old.

you found yourself bored on christmas eve, with nothing to do. tradition is tradition, but not when you’re on other sides of the country.

jeongin had moved very far for college, which he chose to keep from you for reasons you’d never quite understand.

you walked around your neighborhood alone, the cold nipping at your ears. the lights didn’t seem as bright, and the celebrations didn’t feel as merry.

the years itself would pass uneventfully, but it was a strange feeling once christmas rolled around.

it felt like something was missing; or maybe someone was missing.

christmas was supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but you felt empty. like half of your holiday spirit was missing.

and even with how cold it was those two years, there was never any snow that fell. no first snow, no one to claim as your soulmate, nothing to make snowmen out of and shovel out of the driveway.

you did get a merry christmas text from jeongin, but you never properly talked.

you found yourself missing him, even if you didn’t want to. you missed the annual begging to stay over for christmas, and you regretted not having stayed the night the last time you saw him.

you thought about all the things you would’ve said and done, all the memories you would’ve made. you made plans for what you’d do when you saw him next, making up for all the lost time.

hopefully, there’d be a next time.

— 23.

like the year before, you spent christmas day in your family home. visiting from your apartment was always fun, especially around the holidays. being reunited with everyone you grew up around always lifted your spirit.

but there was always one key person missing.

as codependent as it may be, it always felt like no matter how many people you reconnected with, you found yourself longing to just have one day with jeongin.

you were watching an infomercial about something you definitely didn’t need when there were four quick knocks on the door.

there was silence, and you realized no one would be going to get it since you lived alone now.

you groaned, getting up from the couch and opening the door. who the hell—

your jaw dropped, and you froze.

jeongin was at your doorstep, christmas bags in hand. snapping out of your shock, you jumped to hug him, and he caught you in his arms, dropping the bags as he laughed.

“holy shit, you’re home! come in, come in! how did you find my apartment?”

the two of you entered your apartment, shutting the door behind you.

“oh, i went to your parents’ house and they gave me your address!”

you hummed in response, and he handed you the bags he’d been holding. “so, are you staying? or just a christmas thing? when did you get back?”

“um… that’s a lot. i’m gonna stay for as long as i can this time! hopefully not just for christmas. i just got back like… two hours ago! i came to see you right away.”

“aww, how sweet. you missed me?”

he scoffed, rolling his eyes as he wandered through your small apartment. “nosy much?”

“you have a photo of us…”

he motioned to the table below your tv, where you had a framed photo of the two of you on the very last christmas you’d spent together.

your cheeks heated up, and you turned around to hide your face as you thought of an excuse. “um… yeah it was the only photo i had printed at the time, definitely.”

okay, it wasn’t the only photo you had printed at the time. but it was your favorite.

“aww, you missed me?” he asked, recalling what you’d said earlier.

oh, he had no idea.

the two of you spent the rest of the day in your apartment catching up on the past few years that you’d missed.

it felt like there was no end to the stories that you told, and eventually the night caught up with the two of you.

but who was to stop you? there were no more curfews, no bedtimes, no nagging parents.

you talked well into the night, and there was never a dull moment between the two of you.

eventually though, all great things come to an end. it was probably time for him to leave, and he’d stay the night in his old house.

but, you had a better idea. kind of.

“stay for christmas?”

the three words left your mouth without a second thought, and a smile spread across jeongin’s face as all the memories came rushing back to him.

“of course.”

that night, jeongin slept on your couch in the living room. you smiled after you wished him goodnight, leaving the living room to retire to your bed.

as you fell asleep, you couldn’t help but feel giddy, knowing your best friend was just a room away this christmas.

— 24…

“jeongin, you ass!” you shrieked, feeling a sudden cold strike your back.

snapping your head back, you saw jeongin about fifteen feet away, doubled over in laughter. needless to say, you weren’t as amused.

“i thought we were building a snowman!” you huffed. you two were spending christmas eve together at your apartment, as usual, when you noticed a fluffy blanket of snow outside. of course, you two couldn’t resist running off to the park across the street from your apartment complex to go build a snowman, as your inner child desired.

well, at least you were planning to build a snowman.

jeongin made his way over to you, his boots softly crunching the fresh snow below his feet. “we are, we are! i just did that for fun,” he said, letting out another laugh that only made you shoot him a glare.

you felt him wrap his arms around you from behind, and you couldn’t help but smile and ease into his hold.

“i’m sorryyyy,” he said, his lips inches away from your ear. you prayed that he didn’t notice the tips of them begin to turn red—or, at least, you hoped he thought it was due to the biting cold around you two. “well, mostly.”

you rolled your eyes. “yeah, yeah.”

“i mean it, i swear!” he smiled at you teasingly, pulling you closer for a second before letting go.

if he wasn’t at your apartment literally almost everyday, you would’ve forgotten how good his hugs were.

“y/n, you coming?” you heard jeongin call after a minute, pulling you out of your trance.

“y-yeah, i’m coming,” you said, before going to help him push the base of the snowman.

after about twenty minutes, the two of you had formed the body of the snowman. you used the carrot and buttons you brought from your apartment, and some sticks that jeongin found lying around, for the finishing touches.

you and jeongin admired your new creation, which stood to jeongin’s shoulders.

jeongin took out his phone, opening up the camera app. he stood next to the snowman and posed, holding out his arm as he took selfies.

seeing this, you stepped away from him, a smirk tugging at your lips. it was the perfect time for revenge.

“y/nnnn, you wanna take a few—”

splat.

he froze and looked down at his chest, where the snowball you hurled at him had struck. slowly, he found where you were standing and his eyes met yours, immediately finding a mischievous glint in them that stood out from even twenty feet away. the look on his face was absolutely priceless, you had to bite your tongue to keep yourself from laughing.

he dramatically brushed off the snow with his free hand and put his phone in his pocket, keeping his eyes on you the whole time.

after a moment, you couldn’t help but laugh at jeongin and the look of utter betrayal he was giving you. it was too funny not to.

that is, until you looked back at him.

while you were giggling at his misfortune, he had prepared a few snowballs of his own, forming a small pile by his foot. you watched as he grabbed a snowball, and you caught a little evil twinkle in his eye as he smirked.

oh no.

you ducked just in time to avoid the snowball jeongin threw, yelping as he chucked more your direction. you reached down to make another snowball, ready for payback as he threw more small (and flimsy) snowballs at you.

finally, jeongin landed a larger snowball square on your chest, with a force enough to make you stumble back a few steps. it caught you off-guard just long enough for jeongin to get closer to you. noticing this, you abandoned any snow in your hands and raced away from him, giggling and dodging any attempts he made at grabbing you.

he chased you around for a few moments before finally catching up to you, his height working to his advantage. he grabbed you by your waist before pulling you close and making the two of you fall to the ground.

without giving you a chance to breathe, he got up so he was kneeling beside you and started tickling at your sides. you cursed him between laughter and gasps for air before he finally stopped, putting his hands up in the air, indicating that he was going to back off.

you used this brief moment to get up and grab his hand, pulling him back down with you.

“hey!” he yelped, before the two of you burst into giggles. he landed on top of you and you groaned.

“jeongin, get your heavy ass off of me, i can physically feel my bones crumbling.”

he laughed, looking you dead in the eye. “i will if you give me a kiss.”

your body stiffened, and you searched his face for any sign of sarcasm. “what?”

he rolled his eyes. “you heard me. or do you want me to repeat it again?”

you blinked, nothing registering in your mind. surely he had to be joki—

before you knew it, he leaned down and placed a quick kiss on your lips. “okay, that’s all! enjoy your bones in one piece.”

he swiftly got off of you, standing up and giggling. you got up, balancing yourself, your head still spinning.

you ran after him, grabbing his hand and turning him around to face you. his cheeks were a bright shade of pink, which only flushed into a deeper red when he looked you in the eyes.

“if you’re gonna kiss me, do it right.” you muttered, your voice barely above a whisper.

he smiled before cupping your face in his hands and closing the gap between the two of you. you lifted your arms up to wrap around his neck, gently playing with the ends of his hair.

he removed one hand from your cheeks, snaking it down to rest on the back of your waist and pulling you closer. you softly gasped, and he laughed softly before pulling away.

his other hand dropped to wrap around your waist, your hands still clasped together behind his neck as the two of you looked at each other with the biggest smiles in your faces.

“stay for christmas?”

“you don’t need to ask me twice.”

– to 25.

you made your way to the living room, where jeongin waited on the couch, the tv remote in hand.

“here you go,” you said, handing him one of the mugs in your hand. “one hot chocolate with marshmallows and whipped cream.”

“why thank you,” he bowed dramatically before taking the mug.

you chuckled, sitting down next to him. “cheers?” you said, holding out your mug.

jeongin smiled, lightly clinking his mug with yours. “to another christmas eve!”

you both let out a chuckle as you settled down. jeongin started the movie as you unfolded a throw blanket, wrapping it around the two of you.

you two took sips of the hot chocolate you had prepared as you quietly watched the movie. jeongin was the last to finish his hot chocolate, and when he did, he placed his mug beside yours on the coffee table.

“and now to attend to more pressing matters…” jeongin began, prompting you to take your eyes off the movie for a second and look at him.

you raised an eyebrow. “which is…?”

“this.”

a light pink blush dusted your cheeks when you felt jeongin wrap his arms around you and smile at you lovingly. he pressed a kiss to your cheek, and you tucked your face in the crook of his cheek as your face flushed more. “jeongin…” you whined.

“whaaaat…” he mimicked your tone.

you said nothing, only moving slightly so your head rested comfortably on his shoulder.

jeongin chuckled and mumbled an ‘aww’, rubbing your back before lying down on the couch, gently pulling you down with him. you adjusted yourself in his arms so you were next to him, one leg draped across his own under the blanket, and your head on his chest as he absentmindedly ran his hand through your hair.

there was a comfortable silence between you two as you watched the movie, only breaking the silence for an occasional giggle at the funny parts of the film.

towards the end of the movie, you looked up at jeongin, smiling slightly as you admired his features in the dim lighting.

he noticed you were staring after a minute and looked at you. “y’know there’s a movie you can watch instead of me, right?” he said softly.

you blushed and rolled your eyes. “you’re saying i can’t watch you?”

“well, i’m not saying you can’t—”

he stopped talking for a moment to look at the screen before turning back to you.

“you were saying?” you said, wanting him to continue.

“well, um…” jeongin thought for a second, trying to remember what he was going to say. “i’m not saying you can’t, but this movie ends in about ten minutes. i, on the other hand, will still be here.”

you nodded to yourself. “i mean, i guess.”

you stayed quiet for another minute before speaking up again.

you almost forgot to ask.

“jeongin?”

he looked back at you. “hm?”

“stay for christmas?”

jeongin snickered and rolled his eyes lightheartedly. “you know you don’t have to ask that anymore, right?”

you smiled shyly. “i know, i know. but it’s a tradition at this point, we gotta do it!”

“well, tradition or not,” he said, only pausing to pull back from the hug a little to look at you. he smiled reassuringly at you, finding your hand under the blanket and giving it a gentle squeeze.

“i’m not going anywhere.”

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thedeviljudges · 3 years

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It’s not that it’s difficult writing character analysis for Yohan bc I keep seeing ppl complain that we’re not doing enough of it objectively.

But consider this: Yohan isn’t just a layered character. He spells himself out to a T and doesn’t try to hide who he is. It’s not that we can’t analyze him, but he’s so clear-cut with his intentions that you’re given everything you need to understand him so concisely without really needing to dissect him further. Is it fun to do that? Yes, but considering this—

As @highflyerwings has pointed out so many times, Yohan is the one consistent characters who has been truthful - has he omitted truths and let people come to their own conclusions? Yes, he has, but that’s different than point-blank lying. He’s never hidden his intentions; I mean hell, he literally told Gaon’s professor in episode 12 exactly who he was and what he was doing when confronted:

See, the thing about Yohan is that he knows how to manipulate words. When the professor was accusing him of corrupting Gaon, he did not admit to it, but omitted it by transferring partial blame on the professor, telling him that he was the reason Gaon got involved in the first place - if he hadn’t told Gaon to spy (as if that’s even honest in and of itself, lol) on Yohan, the associate judge never would’ve found himself in the situation he was in (and an assumed situation because Soohyun didn’t bother asking what actually happened and relayed that back to the professor).

I’m sure there are other poignant moments I’m missing that I could include throughout the show - such as the priest Gaon spoke with assuming kid!Yohan was weird when it turns out Gaon posed the question about Yohan just being lonely and wanting to play with the other kids - but my point here is that yes, we can break down a character analysis for Yohan, but what’s genius about his creation is that he is the most obvious, most exposed character out of everyone. His intentions from the start are clear, and the only thing that is still uncertain is exactly what happened with Isaac and the fire - but even then just from the flashbacks we’ve seen that there’s been omitted parts, which is consistent with his characterization. Was his story an actual lie? Or did he just manipulate his words again? We’ve yet to find out.

But this is also one of the points of his character. Yohan makes no mistake about who he is and what he is. In fact, he goes so far to call himself a monster because he knows what he does and yet chooses to do it anyway. His tactics may not necessarily be Sunah level; it seems he still lives by some amount of personal moral code (even if it is a logical, strategic understanding that x, y and z will get him a negative response, so he doesn’t do it), but he is no stranger to introspection and self-justification based on how he grew up.

And that’s also one of the points of his character because people only see what’s in front of them and what they want to see - Yohan may not be straightforward with saying his exact intentions in a factual, direct sentence, but everything about him from his words, thought process and actions all paint a very clear picture that doesn’t need spelling out.

Soohyun and the professor and two examples of characters that only see what’s in front of them. They use their confirmation bias (”the seeking or interpreting of evidence in ways that are partial to existing beliefs, expectations, or a hypothesis in hand”) to ressasure themselves Yohan’s a monster.

An example of that is the professor blaming Yohan for putting him in the hospital and Gaon defending Yohan by telling him it couldn’t be possible. Instead of listening to Gaon, the professor had his mind made up.

Instead of asking Gaon what happened with the minister, the professor assumed Yohan had corrupted him and got him into this mess, to which Yohan asks the professor:

And it’s because they see what’s in front of them and they only see what they want to see. To some extent, Gaon was the same until Yohan showed him how detrimental assuming can be, that you must actually look and pay attention to more than what’s in front of you because you’ll miss the bigger picture if you don’t.

Yohan is significantly more transparent than anyone else on the show has been. They’ve just chosen not to see him for who he really is - which is well intentioned, even if a little misguided.

The irony is not lost on me when I see posts and/or comments about Yohan and our lack of awareness for who he is, how we’re uwu towards him and dismiss his actions and baby him. He’s already spelled it out for us; half the work’s already been done for us, and there’s no mistaking it. So, I don’t have to spend countless hours trying to figure him out. Instead, I can spend my time coddling him because I can, lmao.

#the devil judge #kang yohan #x #the devil judge meta

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swinging-stars-from-satellites · 3 years

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idk how many people would even want to see this BUT i wanna yell about Leela and Brax so here's a list of all their scenes togethr/scenes pertainng to them that i can recall (pLEASE add on if i missed anything/ you have any additional thoughts!! i could talk about these two all day!)

right off the bat in Weapon of Choice when Leela is on the outskirts of the Citadel and Brax goes to bring her back (which is interesting in and of itself, bc usually i would imagine a chancellery guard would go do that so what made Brax decide to instead??), Leela kinda goes off at him bc she's hurting and instead of trying to actually explain what's going on Brax doesn't even try to argue he just says "we need you" which is great bc Leela has that instinctive desire to be needed and to help people and he's speaking right to that -- also as far as we know, this is Leela and Brax's first actual meeting in canon? it's implied that they know of each other, which makes sense, but it doesn't seem like they've ever directly interacted before: Brax seems almost slightly uncertain, and Leela is combative, but when he's gentle with her she's actually quite receptive

the literal next scene after that, where the OT4 is all in one room for the first time (they still kinda hate each other at this point but still !!!). Narvin explaining Gryben and being a real jerk about it and Leela (understandibly!) questions if Gryben is a prison world, and Brax (who to this point has been mostly quiet as Narvin and Romana brief Leela) jumps in to both clarify Narvin's previous xenophobic statements while also maintaining the inherent questionable/negative connotations

(btw it's actually pretty important to note that Romana self-edits herself a lot when talking to Leela, especially in the earlier seasons; you can actually hear her revising the things she says to put it in terms that she thinks Leela will better understand. and i mean she does it out of genuine consideration for her friend associate but it often comes across as varying levels of patronizing. Narvin also obviously "dumbs things down" when dealing with Leela early on, but like... Brax never does that on any level. the only difference i can tell in how he addresses Leela vs how he talks to anybody else is that he seems much more kind with her than almost anyone else???)

their conversation about the Matrix in The Inquiry: this is REALLY important (and if you've ever talked to me on ao3 i've probably gone off to you about it lol) because it's layered. they're talking about the Matrix but they're also not because in answering Leela's question Brax is making a very thinly veiled allegory (which he outright states a minute later) to Time Lord society/politicians/most importantly HIMSELF -- he's actually strangely open about his morals/beliefs in this scene and i'm living for it tbh -- and i find it very interesting that even though he does directly explain what he means ("how do you know all this?" / "because i am a politician.") he also leaves it for Leela to work out the implications. like it's a very nuanced conversation bc there's double meaning in it and most people on Gallifrey seem to think that Leela is tone-deaf and can't pick up on that stuff (even Romana sometimes oversimplifies things to her) but Brax totally just lets her take from it what she will bc he believes her intelligent enough to understand. he doesn't think her any lesser because she's human.

ALSO on a secondary note to the above: the fact that Leela has a question/needed clarification (sorry, haven't listened to this in a while i forget how it actually happened) and actively sought out Brax to talk to about it?? like she knows Romana better she could have gone to her but i feel like Leela kinda imprinted on Brax and someone she can go to for help if she needs it; maybe it's partly bc she knows he's under marginally less pressure than Romana is but also the truth of the matter is that Brax was the most genuinely helpful person to her in the previous stories and that probably means a lot to her (esp. bc he acts like the essence of everything she hates about Gallifrey but he doesn't treat her the way she would expect from that). btw this topic is gonna come up again in a hot minute

that part where Brax gives her that information that might help her re: the Andred thing, even though he really probably shouldn't have done that -- it kinda makes me think about what he must have been like with Theta tbh???

actually this is mostly my own conjecture but there's some neat stuff in Spirit bc during the *waves hand vaguely* bodyswap dream sequence thing, Romana is very "!!!! Brax can help us !!!" which is tecnically Leela brain talking, so like there's the implications of the stuff i've said above about Leela having this idea of Brax where she knows he's someone she can go to for help

can u tell i'm soft for them

Leela sounding really sad/distracted when she talks about how Brax isn't there YES i'm grasping at straws but a lot of this relationship really is conveyed through the voice acting bc of how little direct focus there is on the characters. there's actually several scenes in Mindbomb where she mentions him and she outright says that she misses him during her discussion with Matthias

that implied scene with them in Mindbomb!! i have a Lot of thoughts about that!!! it's all conjecture and fanfic fodder!!! but the reason i mention this is because it seems pretty meta that out of the whole Gally Gang, it's Leela who first sees Brax when he comes back to Gallifrey and in turn she's the first person (besides Matthias, i guess) that he sees upon his return?? idk i just feel like that's somehow a meaningful detail??? also her reaction of utter shock after spending the entire episode missing him and how worked up she is when she tries to tell Romana, like I desperately need to know what happened in this missing scene MR RICHARDS PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED

Leela insisting on going with Brax when Pandora starts hurting him and their whole conversation there is just. so good. like they're both just so soft and then when Darkel comes in Leela instantly goes into protective mode. like they just have such an open relationship bc Brax doesn't even try to be all pretentious with her, like he doesn't even try to keep up any facades when he's with her he's just very genuine and it really says a lot about both of them -- Leela is so good at seeing people, like getting down to the core of who people are and what makes them them (which is why she's good for Romana, btw, bc Romana has a lot of identity issues) and Brax is so tangled up in who he presents himself as that he barely knows who he actually is anymore but Leela can see that and she makes it so he can truly be himself and he doesn't have to hide. also she's so gentle with him when they talk about Pandora, she's very caring and empathetic and wants to make sure he's okay and i am WEAK

it's been a hot while since i listened to Panacea but I think i remember Brax being really soft with Leela when he first brings the gang to the Axis, like just sounding really glad to see her

ok other than the fact that Brax is lowkey relatable in Reborn (daydreaming fanfic about yourself/people you know? simping for Mary Tamm Romana? yeah mood, my man) there's that scene where they're first appraoching the Citadel on the alt!Gallifrey and it seems like none of them, and Brax specifically, have seen it from the outside in a good long while bc he's very in awe and he tells Leela that he wishes she could see it and he sounds sO hEcKiNg sOFT oh my word-

and once again with Leela thinking of Brax as someone she trusts for help: in Dissassembled when everything is going to crap she straight-up says that she wants to go find Brax bc he'll know what to do/be able to help

at the beginning of Annihilation when Romana is depressed and questioning if Brax truly was her friend and Leela INSTANTLY, NO HESITATION assures her that he was; i lost where i had her exact lines written down but she actually kinda goes off to make sure Romana gets the point

literally forcing myself to talk about this bc it makes my brain stall out but like,,, the Brax Hound in Annihilation,,, Leela being like "goodbye, Braxiatel... again" she sounds so sad and like UGH i always kinda forget how sad it actually is for them to lose Brax in Dissassembled bc like, it was so sudden and they didn't get to say goodbye and Leela is always losing people and i have many many feels about this scene and how all that emotion is made very clear in how they each respond to the Hound (might make a separate post abt this later if anyone is interested ::eyes::)

Enemy Lines is utter bullcrap about these two and I will never stop being salty about how they not only sidelined the very good, very subtle friendship they had in s1-4, but they??? made Leela acutally not trust Brax??? when literally this entire time she's been the one person who probably genuinely trusts him the most?? what the heck, David

I haven't heard TW3 or 4 yet but i'm assuming there's nothing worthwhile in those with regards to this duo (correct me if i'm wrong tho lol, i would love to be mistaken in this assumption)

TL;DR Leela and Brax mututally imprinted on each other and have probably the most open and healthy relationship within the OT4 and it is an absolute CRIME that nobody besides Gary Russell and Justin Richards cared enough to actually build on it in canon

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yamujiburo · 4 years

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Thank u sm for your answer about racebending, I understand it a lot better now!! There's still something I'm uncertain how to feel about though; what are your thoughts on "blackwashing" asian characters? Particularly east asian, and I know this can be a whooole sep discussion (whether or not east asians are poc, privilege bc of (generally) being more light skinned, whether or not anime characters are "raceless", etc), but as an e asian w light skin (in the US) I just don't know how to feel!

This is a good discussion to have and I do feel like it requires more little nuance than when it comes to racebending white characters. I go back and forth on it as a half black half Japanese person and I’m not sure I fully know the answer.

I’ve mentioned this before but there’s a lot of colorism and antiblackness in east Asian countries and communities. I’ve experienced it first hand being that I grew up in primarily Asian spaces. And Asian beauty standards also often align with the practice of skin lightening which is definitely harmful to dark skinned people so yeah it’s not great. Light skin privilege definitely exists across pretty much all ethnicities and a lot of east Asian people do get to benefit from that.

We see a lot of this antiblackness and colorism in anime. A majority of black men being portrayed as brutes, black women portrayed as much more masculine than their light skinned counterparts (nothing wrong with masculine women but these tropes are good to be aware of), characters with dark skin often being portrayed as demons or animal-like or sometimes they’re just drawn like straight up caricatures. We’re seeing a lot more cool black characters in anime being handled respectfully but,,, still not where we need to be.

All that said, it doesn’t bother me when people racebend anime characters (and anime characters specifically) to have darker skin. Black folks have been done so dirty by anime a lot of the time that I think it’s fair to racebend some of their faves. If being Asian, doesn’t inform who the character is then it’s alright, especially if the anime isn’t really grounded in reality and has a more fantastical approach. I can’t see a situation where I would go after a person of color for giving an anime character darker skin or curly hair. I should probably mention that I don’t actually racebend much and I’m pretty sure my recent drawings are my first LOL and if I were to racebend an anime character, I’d probably make them mixed Asian, especially if they have Asian names, but that’s just me. I find that when I’m drawing anime character in a non-anime style, I just tend to give them more Asian features as opposed to the “raceless” look some anime has (because as someone who lives in the US I do feel like Asian rep is important here)

Speaking of which, I’ve been talking about media from Asian countries, anime in particular. In the US Asian people are absolutely discriminated against, fetishized and and underrepresented in media. When they are represented it’s still very common for them to fall into stereotypes. So when there is good Asian representation here in cartoons or movies I do feel like that should be respected. Like,,, I personally would feel wrong for racebending Jake Long or Juniper Lee or Hiro Hamada or the Avatar cast y’know? Maybe it’s just because western cartoons are typically more grounded in reality and the characters have noticeably Asian traits/features? But again, dark skinned Asians exist, blasians exist and seeing those takes on these characters could be cool~

Das my thoughts as a Black and Asian person haha. But I don’t have all the answers! Like I said, this one requires a bit more nuance.

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aetherknit · 3 years

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i know this isn’t the point of that post LOL but do u rlly think c!dream is irredeemable in Canon-Canon? bc i thought so too, just going off the exile mostly and how the “heroes” “won,” up until the quackity torture arc. otherwise the whole making-us-sympathize-w-him thing of the last literal six months of irl time confuses me O.o obviously idk what they’re planning, but from a storytelling perspective it just seems odd. ur a writer too though so i’m curious on why you think he isnt?

good question!! i think the quackity torture arc is -- less for c!dream sympathy and more for quackity's character? because of how cc!dream has kind of built his own character to be useful for any arc that requires him, he's become a bit of a reflection of a lot of different needs, so I don't always take his interactions to complete heart (especially because we lack an internal perspective for him in a way that's very unique to c!dream!! and something that makes him a really interesting villain)

(more below the cut)

i personally feel as though dream lost his ability for redemption due to his complete lack of remorse for tommy's death (at least in my eyes -- other people would probably cite different instances, but this was the straw for me). i think paying redemption via blood/pain/fear is a pretty bad moral, so i don't think anything quackity has inflicted upon him has done anything to redeem him. even the prison mistreatment felt like emotional manipulation on c!dream's part, and i still stand by that; frankly, i would much prefer all the meekness that c!dream has adopted to be a ruse for a more exciting comeback later on. as it stands, i don't see him being redeemable, but that doesn't mean he isn't one hell of a villain

i was talking to my friend Sad about it though and we both agree that redemption (as defined by being welcomed back into society, forgiven by victims) isnt necessarily the end-all be-all of a positive ending for c!dream. like, i personally don't see tommy and the rest of present company just forgiving dream -- ever? he's done too much harm. but it is still possible for him to be personally sorry, and to move to be a better person. hypothetically i could see a satisfying ending within canon where george and dream exit society together and live a quieter life like the old days (i stand uncertain on sapnap, if only because i dont know that he's morally grey enough for forgiveness).

all in all, however, it's always possible they'll do a dreamon cop-out (i.e., it was all possession! not dream's fault!) although i don't personally anticipate it? regardless, i adore c!dream and i'm VERY interested in what's next for him.

#i hope this makes sense i kind of rambled nbjkdsnbkjfdn #also disclaimer that i certainly have a western perspective on redemption and that definitely impacts how i see writing & how i write #torture tw #angst tw #tommy exile arc /#all of that good stuff NBJKSNBFJKDS #ask

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kingdomtual · 2 years

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hmmmm. So, obviously after trigger we saw a lot of verivery be...destroyed? by VRVR. Most notably Yeonho, Kangmin, and Gyehyeon. We don’t really know what becomes of Minchan, Hoyoung and Yongseung, but we know they’re potentially trapped, at the very least, and we honestly have no clue about Dongheon bc he ran away into a photobooth. I feel like there’s an assumption that he escaped.

But to me this MV makes me think (because of a lot of the call backs to Trigger and Get Away) that this might be vrvr trying to like...be out in the real world? Like they got what they wanted, they replaced verivery, but at what cost ya know LOL they’re kinda not used to it, maybe they’re a little crazy, they keep getting into fights. They’re adjusting. vrvr we know are more aggressive, from what we’ve seen in Get Away and Trigger specifically. Even towards each other.

But then at the end we have Kangmin doing his signature look directly at the camera because he still seems to know more that’s going on than any of them. Even if they all are vrvr then he still knows more about navigating this world than they do because he’s presumably taken verivery Kangmin’s place a long time ago. (way back in Tag Tag Tag, I think? is the lore? LOL)

But if it is Verivery and not vrvr, or some of them are verivery (maybe Dongheon at least? Which would be interesting bc he’s the one who is in the chalk outline, so if he was the only survivor of Trigger, then...why would he be in a chalk outline that is an old way to show where a dead body was?) then if it is verivery, perhaps the circumstances of Trigger, all the trauma and insanity, caused them to really lose it. They’re anxious, they’re uncertain, they’re trying to go back to their happy lives together BUT they know vrvr is out there and wants them gone so they can replace them. A terrifying thought.

I also thought that it was interesting that Kangmin got carded at the club (I mean he is the maknae of the group but what an interesting thing to show in an mv tbh) and he shows his card and well...LOL number 1 the card says it’s a california license of some sort so that’s hilarious to me, but I think more importantly (unless it is just supposed to be a fake and that’s the joke) that this is another way vrvr Kangmin is trying to solidify his existence as verivery kangmin. He even has his identification.

But even if this is literally nothing, the mv was really good and I loved the song because it was very unique for them! And it was really well done. And by the way...DONGHEON. DID YOU SEE HIM? Wow. But they’re all great <3 Love them! Go check out ‘o’ by Verivery!

#verivery #listen this is what happens when my faves came around #I overthink!#and verivery has such weird lore so I LOVE IT

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