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palpipeen · 1 year

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Life Day: Nice or Naughty...?

Lucky for all you naughty naughty people, you get BOTH. <3

Also yes, I live.

ANYWAY, info stuff time~

------- It's Life Day, and you're with your boy of choice. <3 Rating: NC-17 for Sexual Themes Warnings: Holiday Stuff (no mention of family other than the clones), consensual somnophilia (Fox eating you out in your sleep), oral, PinV/A, Lots of Fluff followed by Lots of Smut Reader has no gender~ WC: 2253 AN: So I hit 101 followers and I’m on the floor, screaming crying sobbing throwing up and shitting. Thank y’all so much. Here is a leetol gift for the season~ This is set in my “And Nothing Bad Ever Happened, Ever AU” so. People still be dyin’ and dead but there’s not quite so much tragedy. Also we’re goin with a SFW and a NSFW theme, so the first batch will be listed as “NICE” and then the rest will be “NAUGHTY”. ENJOY.

ALL OF MY WORK IS INTENDED FOR AUDIENCES THAT ARE 18+. Minors DNI.

NICE

Starting off with our boy Commander Fox:

Life Day with Fox is honestly my personal ideal. Fox just wants one day (1) where he isn’t expected to do a thousand things a minute, he isn’t expected to answer a thousand questions from a thousand soldiers and senators or delegate any tasks. Also, you two don’t even have to leave your own home! Fox just wants to be somewhere that isn’t the Guard HQ that he can just exist and relax for the holiday, and he does just that. Like the rest of the GAR he doesn’t have much credits, so instead of buying you something he gives you something small that he made. Not sure what it would be, but it’s made with love and adoration. He will absolutely NOT be discussing how he went through five test runs with your gift, and he’s got them stuffed away in his contraband closet in his office. He also won’t mention how it took him literal months to complete, in part because of his schedule and because he wanted it to be fucking perfect. And it is. He made it while thinking of no one but you, and it illustrates the depth of his love for you. (Which is deeper than ANY of the deep sea trenches on Kamino.)

Next Up, my Personal Bestest Boy Hardcase:

Okay now I love Hardcase, but his Life Day would be. So. Fucking. BUSY. Hey Hardcase, you DO know that it’s LITERALLY physically impossible to give presents to ALL of your siblings in ONE day right? Oh you’re gonna make it happen?! Okay, Chris Fuckin Cringle, jesus fuck. He would though, you know he would, he would make it work. Hardcase is the exact opposite of the biggest Bah Humbug motherfucker you’ve ever met. Not only that, Hardcase is doing SO. MUCH. COOKING. But don’t worry - he’s making you all of your favorite dishes, and has been buying you little gifts ever since he found out Life Day was a THING that made him think of you and how much he loves you. While Hardcase knows that material things aren’t the reason for the season, he still wants to spoil you. He’s also just a bundle of wonder and awe, but he is also very generous - if he sees a family in need during the season he’s dropping everything he can to see how he can help make their season better. In a post-war world where Hardcase lives and everything is FINE, nothing bad happened, he’s definitely volunteering part of Life Day at a soup kitchen or shelter of some sort. All in all - Hardcase brings the joy of the season, whether anyone is ready for it or not. (Trust me - you aren’t.)

Speaking of Bah Humbugs…Commander Wolffe:

Oh, Wolffie. Oooh, Wolffie. You’re a mean one ain’t’cha? So yeah, Wolffe might be the biggest party-pooper out of the bunch. He just doesn’t get it - and he doesn’t mean to spoil it for everyone. He’s just not sure why all of this matters at first. So he’s the sulky uncle who sits alone, nursing some really strong drink throughout most of the day…at least he’s that way at first. But show him some younglings decorating a tree and enthusing about the holiday season and you unlock something in him. I stand by the HC that Wolffe actually has a soft spot for kiddos - it brings out the best parts of him that aren’t a soldier. So yeah, one minute Wolffe is sitting in the corner, barely making conversation with anyone - because let’s be honest, Wolffe is absolutely ass at small-talk and most conversations - and the next, he’s hoisting a youngling up to put the topper on some gaudily decorated tree. Meanwhile two other younglings are decorating him because he’s as tall as some of the trees they’ve seen. Also, Wolffe would absolutely wipe the floor with his fashion sense for the season - Wolffe being a fashionista is always something I can get behind. He’d also be down for an ugly sweater contest, purely because if you can’t give the judges the perfect scowl in that gaudy, awful thing, are you really even competing? (Also yes, him and Fox have a vicious competition with each other. It almost always ends with them having an argument where one of them inevitably puts the other in a headlock.)

Oh we can’t forget about Captain Rex:

Alright so, here’s a character I haven’t really gotten into. But I feel like if you’re looking for that cliche Hallmark Christmas movie experience, or something similar without the misogyny, you’d want to spend Life Day with Rex. Rex obviously gets invited by General Skywalker’s very dear friend, Senator Amidala, to spend Life Day on Naboo. In fact, the entire 501st do, but it’s the one time he doesn’t have to look after them. Instead, he’s spending his days experiencing - well, life. Naboo doesn’t have a typical winter season, but the vibes are still there, so he’s definitely drinking hot chocolate with whipped cream, marshmallows, candy cane sticking out - literally every morning. (Don’t judge him, he’s earned it.) And if you just so happen to be Rex’s partner, well, he’s also wanting to drink that hot chocolate with you every morning, and get out there and experience everything the season has to offer. And he can’t buy much, but the gift he gets you (besides his time, which is precious) is priceless. There is such obvious love and time and effort put into getting you something that is perfect for you. Also, you two get to have dinner on your own - just the two of you. (Tooth rotting stuff, truly.)

Arright now for the SINFUL SHIT~

***

Naughty

Foxy Boy~

So obviously, any time you and Fox get to spend with each other where Fox doesn’t have to worry about his men, you are fucking. Nonstop. But around Life Day, when he’s given the all clear for some VERY much deserved R&R, he indulges once…and then nothing. Besides heavy make-out sessions, he stops you just before it gets too heavy - tells you he just wants to savor his time with you without sex. Alright, that’s fine at first, but then you’re starting to get antsy. Why isn’t he in your pants like he normally is?! You finally wheedle it out of him - he’s got a surprise for you on Life Day proper. It’s not much, but it really is the thought that counts. And boy howdy, did he think this through. So you wake up to breakfast in bed - you also wake up to him, under the sheets, with his head between your legs. Who knows how long he’s been under there, because you wake up coming on his tongue. After that he feeds you by hand - a breakfast he made from scratch. And it’s not just good, it’s incredible. You do most of the cooking when you two get together, and some of Fox’s attempts at cooking weren’t great - but this? This is gourmet. Where did these skills come from?! Fox reveals that he’s been taking cooking lessons for today, which is impressive considering his schedule. After making sweet, slow love to you, he clears up breakfast (naked) and the rest of the day continues like that. Eventually you two do have to get out of bed for a bath (which you take together of course), and move to the living room for dinner (which he also made, it is lavish and delicious and perfect). Fox really just wants to show you how much he cares for you, and do what he can for you while he has this time with you. It’s precious to him - just about as precious as you are to him.

Ho-Ho-Hardcase:

Alright so yeah - Hardcase would do some really, REALLY cheesy shit on Life Day once everything calms down and he’s got you to himself. And not just the whole rose petals, candles (where’d he find those?? Do those exist in Star Wars???) and red satin sheets. Oh no. He’s got the Star Wars equivalent of a Santa costume on. (IDK what that is in SW, and I’m writing this at 1:30am - research is beyond me rn.) It’s ridiculous, but it’s what you’ve come to expect from him - and somehow he makes it so hot?! Well it’s probably because the get-up is little more than suspenders and trousers that leave nothing to the imagination, and he’s got this whole script going…. Which is way hotter than it should be. Hardcase would absolutely be in his element doing this: seducing you while telling you how naughty you’ve been, how he should just be punishing you. But you look so sweet, so it’d be a shame to let that spoil. Needless to say, you spend a lot of time on his lap. He also somehow managed to get you a whole new miniature collection of sex toys - with a few for him, of course. You two spend the night and into the wee hours of the morning just having the raunchiest, most thoroughly exhausting sex of your life. And Hardcase has a rule for the day - for every one time he cums, he’s making you cum three more times. Strap in, you’re in for a very long ride. (Mayhamps….a sleigh ride, oooOOOOHOHOHOHO--)

Krampus. I mean Wolffe:

Much like Fox, any time Wolffe gets time off to spend with you, it’s going to be spent absolutely railing you. And any chance he gets, he’s doing just that. Out looking at light displays? Good thing you’re taking a personal speeder, because he’s having you pull over and fogging up the windows while fucking your brains out. Going to some fancy restaurant? He meets you in the bathroom and takes you in one of the stalls. (Good thing he’s very good at keeping you quiet.) But the best time is the night of Life Day - he’s been teasing you at the 104th holiday party, giving you those looks, lingering touches that sets your skin on fire, whispering so close to your ear that his lips brush your skin and send shivers down your spine. When Wolffe finally announces both of you are leaving, the whole battalion knows what’s going to happen when you two get to your place. Wolffe has a trick up his sleeve though - normally, he’s the one calling the shots. But tonight he’s leaving it in your capable hands - he’ll do whatever you ask. And you do just that -thoroughly rescrambling his brain with that amazing sloppy toppy, edging him after you tie his hands to the headboard, and finally letting him blast the fattest nut in you - and then the two of you fall asleep like that, after you untie his hands. Throughout the night Wolffe and you wake up when he gets hard again, reaffirming just how close and devoted the two of you are to each other.

And Finally, Rex:

Oh, Rex. Remember what I said about that cliche Hallmark Christmas movie shmutz? Yeah, it gets better. (Worse?) Rex is much like Fox in that the day starts off with him pleasuring you. The two of you barely awake while he’s doing it, but when he’s awake enough he stills your hands and takes over. Slowly, slowly bringing you to climax, and being very thorough while he does it. When he’s finally finished (it takes him a good three orgasms until he’s satisfied), he enters you slowly. It’s so warm, so intimate, so raw and sweet in the best of ways as he makes slow, tender love to you. Murmuring how you just being in his life is the greatest gift the universe ever gave any man, much less him. The world melts away until it’s just you two, and it isn’t until he gets a message on his commlink that you two realize you’re late for the 501st holiday party. After reluctantly prying yourselves away from each other (after a very steamy shower, that is), the two of you go to the party. Somehow, someone (-coughHARDCASEcough-) got a hold of fireworks. And as the two of you watch the spectacular light show, you eventually notice Rex watching you. The devotion, adoration, pure unconditional love in that man’s eyes moves the galaxy around you. And listen, I’m not saying an engagement happens during the fireworks - but he might say something along the lines of how he wants to spend all of the Life Days to come by your side. (And then you two go back home and BANG some more. There, ended smutty.)

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And that’s it folks! I started this back when I had 101 followers - and didn’t get back to it until the new year. WILD. Sorry for my extended absence. I’ve missed y’all SO much, and I’m hoping to get back into writing soon! I hope everyone had a safe and sane holiday without too much stress, a lot of niceness and a bit of spice. ;) Y’all deserve it! <3

Taglist Sign-Ups: @thefanficsideblog @jabbas-lightsaber @rain-on-kamino @lackofhonor @seeking-kharis

Tagged Just Cuz: @rexxdjarin @ulchabhangorm @sleepingsun501 @boomtowngirl

If you don't wanna be tagged in future stuff, DM me to let me know! Otherwise if you DO wanna be tagged in future stuff, go here!

#Commander Fox x Reader #Clone Trooper Hardcase x Reader #Hardcase x Reader #Commander Wolffe x Reader #Captain Rex x Reader #Clone Commander x Reader #Clone Trooper x Reader #Clone Captain x Reader #Life Day Smut #Life Day Reader x Fluff #floof.txt #spicy.txt #HEEHOO hi guys I'm back (sort of)#wrow 106 followers #I am in shock like actually what hello???

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femmina-eroe · 5 months

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“My gift to everyone this year is me. Y’ain’t gettin’ shit else.”

Bah, humbug.

#𝐈’𝐦 𝐟𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐈’𝐦 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐥𝐮𝐞 ( ic - dash commentary )

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wildaboutmnhockey · 4 months

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15 People 15 Questions

I have surprisingly been Not Online the last 36 hours so the tags have built up but shoutout to my amazing buddies for tagging me: @babygirlspurgeon, @masonshaws, @tblueger, @giveemgreef, and @babygirlboberry

1. Are you named after anyone?

Yes and no? Mom had a co-worker that had my name and she just thought it sounded nice but I'm not named AFTER the person. Middle name is the same as an aunt but spelled differently

Nickname also no. It's just short for my gamertag (DEEVI0US) because I'm a little shit lol

2. When was the last time you cried?

Christmas. I have a whole thing about hating the holidays and obligatory gift giving so bah humbug and it was A Day for me.

3. Do you have kids?

Nope and I never want them. I will be nice to children around me because I'm not a monster but also much prefer to not be in the presence of children period.

4. What sports do you play/have you played?

Before age 14: softball (6 years), dance (4 years), cheer (2 years), volleyball (1 year) After age 14: none

5. Do you use sarcasm?

Almost daily.

6. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Hate to admit it but a combo of weight and what people are wearing. Never been a skinny mini myself so it's definitely a projection thing but it's lessened as I get older and stopped giving a fuck. (High schoolers are mean and I'm only human, who knew?)

7. What’s your eye color?

Hazel

8. Scary movies or happy endings?

Not a scary movie person. They're generally not scary to me and I just don't care for the gore heavy ones.

9. Any talents?

Honestly don't really have one. I'm just living and vibing my way through life.

10. Where were you born?

A hospital (Minnesota)

11. What are your hobbies?

Hockey, video games, reading are the main ones. I'll pick up ADHD hyper-focus projects here and there but yeah.

12. Do you have any pets?

One old man doggo named Jasper (we call him JJ) but he's getting up there and is going blind so he'll likely get put down within the year.

13. How tall are you?

5'6"

14. Favorite subject in school?

I liked anything hands on so I was really into woodshop and cooking classes honestly.

Fun fact: I was the only girl in my 8th grade woodshop class so I was super ahead project wise because I wasn't chit-chatting all class. So as a result the guys would get mad when the teacher told them "I'm helping 'Brad' right now but Dee should be able to help you with it if you ask her" and they would never ask me because of teenage male stupidity/sexism.

15. Dream job.

No job. Just let me exist and not expect Things and Labor of me.

But honestly just find me a job that gives me a solid work/life balance and I'll survive.

There's probably a duplicate tag or two in here but:

@rymurrsneckbeard @myteamofmonsterfuckers @jaredmccann @joeyisourranger @bagelsunshinecoffee @flaticeball @yes-perwallstedt @hard4softthings @in-the-mists @kreiderrider @stillfertile @dwisp and everyone else who enjoys a good tag game

#dee lb #dee plays tag games #dee and friends

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bklynmusicnerd · 5 months

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I'm currently fighting a battle against going full "Bah Humbug" to this holiday season, but nevertheless we are going to get into these latest GH Petty Politics results!

This is going to be a long roundup because I did more polls than usual because I weirdly felt bad about how boring these last few weeks of GH have been.

Considering the present state of the show is actually pretty dire thanks to a deeply misguided EP, let's start off with what moratorium you all think GH needs more? The results were actually not close at all as 70.8% of you said:

Violet's random ass song aside, the consensus is clear. The majority are sick of 90% of the dialogue revolving around how the only thing that matters in this world is having babies. Imagine that 😒. To quote my mom, "The songs only last a couple of minutes, those babies take forever to disappear!"

29.2% of you, though, do think all the corny singing is becoming a problem. You signed up for a soap, not Glee.

And along those lines, when asked what you find edgier and more exciting during this holiday season, 84.2% of you said Hallmark Christmas movies officially have more buzz than anything happening on GH right now.

I don't watch Hallmark, so I have no way of verifying this. I made it an option cause I was feeling snarky after that terrible Friday ep, but I suspect this is the truth. From what I'm told, the heroines on those Hallmark movies do sometimes get to discuss things other than babies or when they'll have them, so that's something.

Onto the poll that surprisingly got the most buzz: What do you think of Curtis' ableist Christmas miracle paralysis reversal?

43.2% of you agreed that it is a lazy and offensive conclusion to a poorly done disability story, and that's because it is! Curtis' paralysis was played as a cheap ploy to get quick sympathy for him and in the process promoted the idea that all the lives of the disabled amount to is what they can't do.

Anyways, here's an article on why the "miracle cure" trope is offensive as shit and gross to write in 2023:

38.5% of you could give a shit about Curtis or his terrible storyline and just want to know where Trina's real father, Taggert is? A question that likely won't be answered until next year (but keep hope alive 🥲)

19.2% of you are in an optimistic mood and are open to this story at least having the upside of a potential testing fiasco which clears Trina of these Ashford charges once and for all (again...keep hope alive 🥲).

And a total of 0% of you are happy for Curtis to receive his miracle cure, and honestly...I've never felt prouder looking at a result. There's something really beautiful about us all coming together in the name of having no time for Curtis, I'm tearing up as I type this.

Moving onto the latest Kraze (😉) in GH pairings. I really wanted to know what you guys thought of Kristina and Blaze moving forward at the same time as this surrogacy plot that will not die.

50% of you said that you were too devastated by another pairing already being dragged down by the baby agenda, to put yourself in Blaze's shoes. As a Trina fan, believe me, I get it, and my heart goes out to you guys. The wlw delegation deserved better than this smh

29.2% of you said you would absolutely stay romantically interested in Kristina through her surrogacy story if you were Blaze. Which regardless of how realistic, is actually very sweet and probably exactly what GH will have Blaze do because baby agenda always wins out 😒.

20.8% of you said you'd probably have to dip if you were Blaze cause that's way too much way too soon and I have to say I'm inclined to agree with you guys. I can't imagine starting a relationship with someone who's about to carry a baby but I guess we're going to see what that looks like 🤷🏿‍♀️.

Speaking of "fuck them kids", a certain demon spawn was finally shown the door this week and I wanted your thoughts on Trina's status as a potential accidental homewrecker, and whether or not you gave a shit that Spencer's domestic era is over.

On the Trina homewrecking front:

47.8% of you said, yes, our girl technically qualifies as the cutest accidental homewrecker ever and you think she's a hero for demolishing the Jerry Springer household by simply choosing herself.

39.1% of you think Trina's homewrecking status is irrelevant because Laura's home was simply a training ground for the real home Spencer is already planning in his head with Trina.

And 13% of you, like my mom, think I play too much and that Trina is not a homewrecker and there's nothing funny about the suggestion! And to that I say: 😛

As for Spencer's domestic mourning period (🤢), I'm proud to report that the majority of you (57.9%) have no time for the fake sympathy for Spencer. You can be honest and admit that this story was bad, you're happy this form of it is over and you're hopeful that he can burn the diaper bags and return to dark princedom once again.

26.3% of you do feel bad for Spencer but uh, not enough to mourn this baby nonsense with him.

And 15.8% of you are actually going to miss Spencer the Manny. I can't really relate to such an emotion, but I admire the bravery of being open about your bad taste in storylines.

Setting crybaby Spencer to the side, let's talk about the real Cassadine youth doing real Cassadine things, Charlotte!

In true Cassadine form, Charlotte has the people divided. 34.8% of you agree with Valentin and are proud of Charlotte for her mess. But 34.8% of you also aren't sure about anything except that Anna should have slapped Valentin again (I agree). 30.4% of you are not down with Charlotte's shenanigans and think Valentin is nuts for being this passive.

The people are thoroughly split on Miss Charlotte Cassadine, which means she's doing wonderfully 😘.

Bringing crybaby Spencer back to the front again because it's time to discuss our favorite new pill popper on the canvas, Adam!

I really wanted to know if people were as into the Adam and Spencer friendship idea as @anyathefandom and I and I'm pleased to report the results are hilarious:

54.5% of you think we are nuts for trying to play friendship matchmaker with Spencer and a guy who's about to OD on pills and you know what, that's fair! Maybe our priorities seem a little odd as this kid tweaks about test scores! But we all know the powers of nepotism will save him from anything fatal, so I think some of you need to ease up on the judgment!

36.4% of you are here for the Spencer/Adam friendship idea. You're ready for Spencer to move on from Cali Cam and get a friend that's actually in the same town as him. You also recognize that it's either this or a forced Spencer and Dex friendship, and the lesser evil is pretty obvious here.

9.1% of you have no faith in Spencer's socialization skills and think it's a waste of time to hope he'll get a new friend. You think Spencer will never outgrow his "no new friends" phase, and you might just be right. Depressing but right.

And to save the funniest result for last. No, seriously, I saw this result and immediately lost it.

When asked what do you think will happen first, Adam OD'ing or Dex finally getting a real personality besides sex robot, 100% of you said Adam's inevitable OD is coming before Dex's personality. Because the only thing you guys have less faith in than Spencer's socialization skills, is Dex's character development.

I wanted to save that result for last because that's actually our first unanimous GH Petty Politics result and I love that it was as funny as it was disrespectful ❤️.

And so concludes another round of GH Petty Politics. Once again, you guys are hilarious and your participation is always appreciated!

#general hospital #rest is going under a cut because of course it is #trina robinson #spencer cassadine #kristina corinthos davis #dex heller #curtis ashford (loser)#marcus taggert #anna devane #valentin cassadine #charlotte cassadine #adam wright #first time i ever guffawed looking at some of these results 🤭#honestly had more fun doing this than watching gh this week negl

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rosicheeks · 1 year

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🤦🏽‍♀️

#I’ve packed up two big boxes today and it hasn’t even made a fucking DENT #can someone please pack all my shit for me #ok so the thing is #yes half of me is like ok dude do you really need ALL this shit #but then the other half is a sentimental shit who wants to keep everything from her childhood cause I miss it so fucking much #also I’m the baby of the family so I got a lot of my sisters old(ish) things but they’re still good!#like she gave me a bunch of dishes that I’m saving for whenever I get my own place #and she even gave me a fucking king size bed #and now I don’t know what the fuck to do with it #it’s still in good condition #I just put it in my living room ever since I got it cause I’m a procrastinator and never found time to do something about it #like I have a comfy bed already idk why I said I would take it?#I was like ooooooooooo a BIG comfy bed???? ok I’m down #and now it’s taking up room in my living room and when I move I have NO FUCKING CLUE what to do with it #I don’t wanna throw it out cause it’s such a good bed #but I know mattresses are a little different when it comes to donating #NOT TO MENTION #how the FUCK am I going to move this fucking thing #ITS HUGE and heavyyyyyyyyyy #bah humbug #I just want to smoke and forget about the world #but noOooOoOoOoOoOo I’m out of weed and broke and I have to keep packing and cleaning cause life won’t fucking STOP #I just want life to pause tbh but that’s not happening #I also sprayed my painting for my cousins present so I have to keep the window open but it’s fucking negative and I’m in shorts????????#why???? idk but now my leg is numb and frozen and I’m cooooooooooooooold #ok that’s all #hope you enjoyed some rosie bullshit #shut up rosie

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zipmode · 10 months

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im like the scrooge of fourth of july. catch me sitting inside going bah humbug while everybody outside is lighting shit on fire to celebrate their false freedom. 3 ghosts try to get me to get patriotic but i just go back to bed.

#zipmode talks

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riverdale-retread · 11 months

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Riverdale S7 E6 Peep Show.

The episode opens with Jughead in bed reading comic books with the editorial condemning those same comic books. This is the second or third time they’ve shown Jughead Jones in his tight-fitting long johns in bed, reading. Is this- is this supposed to be fanservice for the Jughead girlies? (Of which I admit I am one). But I mean, Is it? The only other character I can recall who was regularly shown in this sort of underwear is Goofy from Disney. This is an odd choice, because so much of this episode revolves around showing bodies and how best to showcase them in underwear.

Anyway, as Jughead reads a Pep Comic issue which seems to be titled “Things [of?] Darkness,” he is suddenly reminded of something written by his “favorite pulp writer of all time, Brad Rayberry.” He picks up a volume of November County and Other stories by the same author, looking very concerned.

Immediately, he runs over to the publishing house to yell at his publisher about being a plagiarist. Jughead always does this in every universe - oh I’m suddenly sad I won’t be able to say this anymore after this season! Sob! - when he has a suspicion: He goes straight to the suspected perpetrator of whatever the crime or misdeed is and confronts then forthwith, but without any sort of plan as to what he’ll do if they deny it, which they invariably do, or how he will cope with the consequences of launching such a frontal attack. Betty and Archie are physically reckless, but Jughead is existentially reckless.

His publisher says that plagiarism is a word they don’t use at the publishing house (which is such a great side step. Did Mr. Publisher have a former career as a lawyer?) Then he makes up a story about how he tried to reach out to the proper author but then conveniently presumed said author was dead based on the lack of response. Which doesn’t justify plagiarism but he seems to think it does.

We are with Archie as he, along with me, tries to endure the unwelcome imposition that Uncle Frank is in his house. I’ve always despised Uncle Frank, and honestly, them showing me that he would have been even worse in the 1950s does not make me hate any iteration of him less by one iota. Archie is trying to fix his car, but Frank says he is “concerned.” He lays out all of Archie’s flaws, which are that he is a middling student, lying, not pulling his weight around the house, and the “business with the Blossom girl.”

Sir? Sir! I object. The lying & business with the Blossom girl was the exact opposite of a concerning lie, is it not? It turns out both are still technically virgins, which is what you all probably care most about, and he did it to save her and he went along with you all trying to force him to get married at 17! Anyway, Frank is a right piece of shit, because he pokes at Archie’s grief with “How do you think your dad would feel?”

Well sir, Archie may not know this but since I watched all previous seasons of Riverdale with close attention several times over, I know exactly how Fred would feel, and he indeed would feel proud of Archie. That was kind of Fred’s problem - even when he was annoyed at Archie, he was never less than proud.

Apparently, Frank was present when Fred took his leave of Archie to go “off to war” because he knows what the instructions were - “Take care of Mom and be the man of the house.”

I would have been much happier if Frank had died in the Korean War, and I’m sure Archie agrees. I’m also pretty sure that Fred DID NOT MEAN to burden his actual child with this sort of thing. He was trying to give his child something else to focus on rather than worry daily about his father 8,000 miles away. Frank as far as I can tell has no family of his own, so again, this business of childless men lecturing about or at other people’s children? Bah humbug, honestly. Maybe this is my being raised intensely Catholic while female, but honestly, this type of man should simply never ever say anything at all about children, child bearing, reproduction and so on.

So Archie, looking like he has a gun pointed to the back of his head (which is Frank staring into it like a psycho) apologizes to his mother about not being a ‘better son.’ I’m also back to very much disliking Mary Andrews. She is a bad mom. Why would you farm out actually raising your kid to FRANK of all people? Ugh. WHAT KIND OF MOTHER HAVE YOU BEEN MARY ANDREWS? Have you thought about that?? She’s been weak as shit against people like the Blossoms, arbitrary & unpredictable in her rule enforcement and generally a shitty parent.

Next door, Betty is sadly getting ready for school. I want to look inside Betty’s closet this season. She alway has a perfectly color coordinated belt or scarf (sometimes the same color, sometimes a wonderful contrast color) to go with her outfit. She looks across the way and is completely verklempt at the view of Archie’s moist abs, fresh from the shower. The music can’t possibly be 1950s- there’s synths and stuff. The song says “I feel so…. GOOOD.’ I can’t relate, but her vision is so good that she is capable of focusing on his happy trail from a whole house away. If only we all looked as pretty as she does (I LOVE the Grace kelly type hairdo she has happening) while agog with lust.

At school, in the locker room, the girls are putting on their gym outfits. What sort of sports can you play in outfits like these, by the way? Stiff yellow button down shirts with puffy sleeves tucked into high waisted bermuda shorts that barely cover your butt cheeks? These shorts are even belted tight at the waist.

In the sweetest, most kittenish way possible, Betty asks Veronica, “What’s sex like?”

…. I mean. OK. Lemme breathe. Because that was so like, the perfect delivery for a very by-the-books porno, no? Gorgeous blonde horny girl goes “What’s sex like?” while leaning forward, blinking winsomely with huge eyes. And she’s not even aware of the effect she has. What is GOING ON.

So Veronica is understandably shocked (hc: turned on and not out to herself) (Why is TONI not picking up on these vibes to invite Veronica for a cuppa at the Dark Room already? Is this because they are both tops??) but only gently says that it’s a bit early in the morning for this sort of talk (“I’ve barely just had my morning java!”). What happens next is a huge part of why I adore Veronica Lodge above all girls but especially Betty (who, even if not this season, is for plot reasons not all that big on truth telling): She meets truth and candor with truth and candor. When Betty says she doesn’t know what sex is like and would like to hear, which is a pretty brave thing to ask someone, Veronica responds with the same attitude to confess that she herself is still a virgin. Betty has the absolute perfect come-back: I just assumed because you’re just so sexy! Betty really knows how to talk to a girl!

I suppose the idea is that the 1950s were a super repressed time in America (which I don’t think it actually was in actuality but OK) such that even the sensual Veronica Lodge is - gasp! - still a virgin but actually since this is reflective of my own high school experience I found it very comforting to have it represented on the screen. “You don’t have to have sex to be sexy,” is what Veronica says.

Betty would like advice on how to carry herself more like Veronica. Veronica suggests perfume and heels, then brings out the idea of sexy lingerie. “Soft fabric against my skin” is what she says as some horny trumpeteer goes “Wah wah Waaaaah” in the background. OK so I guess I’ve tried out the wrong kinds of lingerie because that shit was itchy as fuck. Veronica walks her fingers flirtatiously up Betty’s arm as she says, “Say, why don’t you give lingerie a twirl?” Betty looks very turned on, first just by the purring way Veronica is talking about being sexy, second about the idea of Veronica in lingerie that makes her already perfect body “look fantastic” and about doing something sexual with Veronica. I mean possibly also I guess she is excited about having a guide to learn about lingerie but that’s like below tertiary. Betty is going to go over to Veronica’s later to try on her used underwear (which I find a strange idea but ok).

At the student lounge, Cheryl approaches Toni to give her the lesbian pulp novel back. Cheryl insists on calling her “Antoinette.” I am insane for all these fabulous belts these girls are all wearing this season. I love the gloss on the red patent leather one that Cheryl is sporting. When asked what she thinks about the lesbian pulp classic (the real world version of which was one of the rare ones where neither woman died for being gay at the end), she responds to the cover art using very distant artsy language as in, Cheryl finds “two voluptuous, feminine forms in close proximity to each other” quite pleasant. Toni pulls out her go-to pick up line for Riverdale girls: She asks the girl to go to the Dark Room for a coffee. See, I knew Toni was trying to put the moves on Betty when she was consoling her after the dumping of Kevin!

Cheryl refuses - “Oh I couldn’t *possibly!” - and that’s because she’s too busy “relaunching the Vixens.” She needles Toni about finding cheerleading “far too square,” essentially daring her to try out for the squad.

The hostage situation with Archie and Uncle Fucking Frank continues, this time at the Principal’s office. Uncle Fucking Frank is still standing executioner distance behind Archie. Archie is trying to do everything with his face to signal that he is not ok, please help, while saying what his abductor wants him to say: “I wanna be at least a B student.” His principal is too dim to catch these hints, and anyway he’s probably turned on by the weird dominance thing that he’s witnessing right this minute. It turns out Uncle Fucking Frank is in cahoots with this asshole, the principal, enough to have private conversations with him!

At the tryouts for the cheerleading squad, Cheryl is holding court. Evelyn Evernever is there! She’s already a cheerleader. Welcome back Evelyn! I hope you’re unhinged and evil in this world too!

Toni bursts in like Aragorn, pushing the double doors wide open. The song playing in the soundtrack (probably in Cheryl’s head) states: It’s Too Darn Hot as Toni smugly makes her slo-mo entrance looking, actually, Too Darn Hot. Cheryl is so happy to see Toni, and is extra happy because she put on her blazing red lipstick just in case Toni showed up (she had more of a nude lip earlier in the day for their initial encounter). She’s also forbidden Evenlyn from wearing her reddish hair down, lol. Evelyn condescendingly tells Toni that she’s not “on the list” so she can’t try out, but Cheryl overrules her (because it’s never a cheerocracy!).

The two lesbians smile adoring at each other. Something about just breathing the air with Toni on her home ground (as a cheerleader) makes Cheryl glow like a Renaissance angel. Toni actually has a routine prepared, and we go to it. Cheryl watches all of Toni’s tryout routine in a totally horny haze, slowing it down in her mind as she almost drools. The song is also egging her on - something something “Refill the cup with my baby tonight” and “I’d like to sup with my baby tonight” etc which are all statements about cunnilingus. The room gets all dark for her. She doesn’t have the orgasm (of the mind) that she did the first time she watched Toni do a dance routine, but it’s close. Cheryl says this whole performance “razzed her berries.” This means looking at Toni made her nips tingle. Then she adds that “I haven’t seen pompom technique like that in years” which means she can tell Toni is (like all dykes) great with her hands.

Evelyn is making a very sour face behind her. Somehow Cheryl knows this, so she says since she “alone” speaks for the Vixens, she immediately offers Toni a spot on the team. Evelyn tries to make a case for procedural fairness only to get screamed at. The other girls all welcome Toni to the team.

At the dinner table, Uncle Fucking Frank makes a terrible announcement. “It looks like I’m going to be sticking around for a while.” Oh no. OH NO. Why? Because Principal Featherhead asked him “to be the basketball team’s head coach.” I’m horrified. Also Frank is short and stocky. I know zip about sports but isn’t basketball for tall lean people?

So Uncle Fucking Frank has no family - not even a lady - and no kids and he just moved into his brother’s widow’s house to bully his nephew, and because all this is not enough, he begged his way into getting a job at this nephew’s school. “Asked me” my ass What the fuck is his fixation on Archie?

Archie understandably says he doesn’t want to play basketball while Frank is gonna be coach. Not playing is not a way out of the Uncle Fucking Frank close contact - if Archie won’t play, then he can be waterboy. What is happening? I hate Mary so much. See, I knew, I KNEW that my being OK with Mary Andrews was not going to last. Why the fuck did she even have this child? Ugh.

At Veronica’s, Betty is feeling shy about showing how she looks in Veronica’s underwear, though she wasn’t shy about wearing Veronica’s underwear to begin with. Did they go shopping? Is this NEW underwear? Be that as it may, Veronica looks very eager on the bed, quaffing mimosas, and eating chocolates. When Betty finally emerges, Veronica’s eyes light up. “I knew it would look perfect on you!” The problem is, Betty feels embarrassed, which Veronica doesn’t understand. Looking like Bettie Page exactly, Veronica says, “Bettie Page herself would go ape for you.” Bettie Page’s personal orientation was not, uh, lesbian so that is a weird thing to say, Veronica. Just say you want to fuck Betty. Even though Betty looks close to tears, Veronica wants to keep looking at her, so makes her come in front of the mirror so she can keep looking at her under the guise of giving her some sort of sexual koan: “I am a gorgeous, powerful, sexy siren, at the height of my womanly powers.” I mean, this is very sweet, but I did have a flashback to Hannah Gadsby going - *I* am in my prime!! *I* am in my prime!! - meaning her 40-something self. The koan does work on Betty though, who is actually persuaded by the end.

Jughead has straight up gone to see the author Rayberry. He introduces himself as a writer at Pep Comics, then bluntly says “they’re ripping you off.” Rayberry wants to know why Jughead wants him to sue his own employer. Jughead is full on fangirling - “I think you’re the tops.” Even though Rayberry just wants to get rid of him, Jughead won’t take no for an answer, and even though the author looks slovenly while he keeps slamming the door in his face, he doesn’t give up.

Evelyn has given Cheryl a visit, to say that she is “uncomfortable” with Toni being on the squad not because she’s black (sure?) but because she’s “a lezzie.” I mean, it’s probably a bit of both right? Cheryl shuts down both objections - Riverdale has been fully integrated, and Toni Topaz is not… that, so Evelyn needs to “put an egg in your shoe and beat it.” That is the weirdest way to say that I’ve ever heard. I kinda like it. Cheryl wants to watch her show which is Oh Mija!

At the Dark Room, Toni is taunted for becoming a “paper shaker” by the Lezzie Lizzo, who is sporting a beret with a studded Serpents jacket. Lizzo mocks her for “still birddogging that redheaded closet case.” Toni tries to cover it up with some sort of sanctimonious bullshit - she is now the first ever black cheerleader at Riverdale. I’m with Lizzo - I don’t believe her one bit. “Oh so it’s *political* for you! [Much scoffing, then completely insincerely] Yeah I got it. That makes sense.” But Lizzo says she understands Toni Topaz for knuckling under the white patriarchy’s demeaning demands for women in the interests of getting access to Cheryl’s pussy. She says it nicer than me AND she acknowledges that Cheryl is very hot. “That’s one cherry lollipop I’d happily lick.”

I knew Lizzo was a good egg the first time I saw her. Why o why won’t Toni give her a chance? And what does Lizzo do all day? How old is she? Is she a high school drop out?? Can I have more Lizzo and much less Evelyn???

The next morning, Archie discovers that Uncle Fucking Frank has confiscated his car, to be returned to him when his “grades are where they should be.” This is because Uncle Fucking Frank is obsessed with Archie, leading to his wanting to spend every possible moment with him, including the ride to school.

Veronica is super excited to approach Betty the same morning to ask her exactly what kind of underwear she is wearing. This is extremely heterosexual behavior among women, right? Oh, and Veronica acknowledges that the ‘lingerie’ type underwear is neither silky nor comfortable (I mean granted, I haven’t ever tried the like, thousand-dollars a pop La Perla stuff so maybe those are??) - “How will ever get used to lace panties if you don’t wear them every day?” she chastises when it turns out Betty hasn’t put them on today for fear of being seen in them and being thought a “nymphomaniac.”

THIS FEAR IS SPECIFICALLY KEVIN FUCKING KELLER’S FAULT. I HATE YOU SO MUCH KEVIN.

Veronica thinks this whole “nympho” talk was invented by misogynist (gay) men to hurt women. I agree. She also diagnoses Betty with “needing a man.” Usually, this sort of comment is not true about the woman about whom it is said, but Betty actually does need a man. She is SO horny.

Betty tells Veronica that she has her eye on Archie. Veronica doesn’t like it, but she prioritizes Betty’s well being over her own, so rushes her to speak to Archie before Betty can “talk yourself out of it” by which Veronica means “myself.”

Archie is bent over a book in the student lounge. While Veronica listens from her hidden vantage point (with Betty’s awareness), Betty, her big bambi eyes brimming with adoration, asks Archie out on a movie date. Archie actually tells her the truth - he’d love to, but he can’t because of Uncle Fucking Frank. Veronica’s face falls when he says he’d love to, then brightens when he says he can’t. Betty doesn’t believe Archie though, at all. She thinks she’s being rejected.

She cries about it on Veronica’s shoulder, who continues to say the right and decent thing - that what Archie said might be the truth. Cheerful now that they have both been apparently rejected by Archie, Veronica suggests that they both find some airheads down at Stonewall Prep to play with. Betty cheerfully agrees to this plan.

At basketball practice, Julian is being a piece of shit to Archie who is trying to appease Uncle Frank because his mother is blind to the abuse he’s being subjected to. Why would you leave a child in the care of a childless middle aged uncle? Mary Andrews makes me so mad.

Evelyn Evernever, looking very ginchy in the ginchiest outfit (I love the 50s cheerleader uniform - cream sweater, navy skirt), breaks into Toni’s locker, immediately finding the lesbian book. She gets caught red-handed, but is brazen enough to try to confront Toni about her lesbianism. Cheryl denied it, she tells her. Toni threatens her with violence, then insists that Evelyn tell her exactly what Cheryl said.

At the comic publisher’s, Jughead is getting to see his name in print. He is so pleased - “It’s so boss, Boss!” - and being really adorable about it. (By the way, is this a throwback to the comics? Was Jughead in the comics just always off in his own world like this?). With perfect timing, Rayberry, all dressed up in his confrontation suit, bursts in, demanding to know who Fieldstone is. He launches into an angry speech about suing Pep Comics for plagiarism. Jughead jumps in to mediate, and this middle aged man and old man let him do this. The author and publisher shake hands on compensating Rayberry for the plagiarized stories. For his troubles, Jughead gets to have a dinner date with his favorite pulp writer at his favorite diner. Right off the bat, Rayberry even hints that he might ask for Jughead to be the one to adapt his stories going forward for the comics. Jughead just gushes to the man about how he loves his stories in “all the different pulp magazines” then proceeds to list all of them: Weird Tales, Startling Stories, Fantastic Adventures. He looks so happy - he can’t stop smiling. It’s so cute.

Then Rayberry asks whether his father approves of these literary aspirations. Across all universes, terrible Faifather FP is a fail, because the light immediately dims in Jughead’s face. Rayberry causally says his own father didn’t approve of his “literary aspirations” but Jughead simply doesn’t know. And in addition to inflicting me with Uncle Fucking Frank again, Riverdale fails me additionally but not killing off FP. Riverdale, girl, why? So even in this universe created by his angelic girlfriend, Jughead is abandoned by his father yet again. Rayberry tells him to write about his trauma from paternal abandonment. When Jughead asks if Rayberry would be willing to read his more literary attempt, Rayberry sighs and says “Oh, and we were having such a swell time.” Jughead fully looks like he is going to break apart into sad, salty-tear soaked little pieces at this apparent rejection until Rayberry says he was joking, that of course he’d be happy to read Jughead’s efforts, and they laugh about it.

OK so this is why Jughead is so disinterested in girls and Veronica and so on. He is in too much pain from his father. He is in desperate need of a father figure, but Fred Andrews who served that function in the other universe is gone (and possibly didn’t even meet Jughead in this world, since he never met Cheryl either), other male authority figures are all non-starters (Dupont hates him, the principal hates him, Sheriff Keller is a moron, Clifford Blossom is evil, Uncle Fucking Frank is himself), and his publisher/editor who served this role for him in the other universe acts just as exploitative towards Jughead as FP does so he’s no appropriate either. And Riverdale’s main narrative arc - the Jugular Vein, if you will - is that Jughead Jones Cannot Get What He Wants, so we should know by now that this business with Rayberry will never work out.

The song that plays in the transition to the next scene is “Lead Me Father.” This show and its song choices! We cut to Archie doing child labor for Uncle Fucking Frank in the gym. he takes a break to handle a basketball. I don’t know this song, but it says things like “Pick Me Up When I Stumble, So the World Won’t Know.” I guess basketball is tied to his father’s death for Archie somehow, which is why he doesn’t want to play it anymore, especially not with Uncle Fucking Frank as the goddamn coach. Also I don’t know whose daddy is like this but if your daddy is like this, let me just say, Wow you are lucky.

This is intercut with Jughead trying to write about his father, as the lyrics gravely intone about “Give me the strength for a song.” He picks up a photo of a man who is not the FP we know, sitting scowling on a bike. The singer croons that he wants to help some “poor troubled weary worker along.” Jughead’s face goes through complicated set of emotions - he misses his dad, he’s bitter about his abandonment, and above all, he’s very very sad. Jughead Jones’s tears of heartbreak are always just under the surface, which is why he keeps not wanting to be here in his reality and (doubling down on my thesis) he resents it when people are emotionally secure enough to try to take a risk to make their lives even better (like, you know, get laid with a sexy person to share a good time).

The next morning, Uncle Fucking Frank unilaterally tells Archie that he now has a job at the Diner, pumping gas. This seems like a really specifically american thing, to overload one’s kids - Archie, who is not bright and also not that interested in school and not given very good brains by his very stupid mother, is supposed to get his grades up but also perform slave labor for the basketball team and further perform child labor at the gas pump all at the same time. This is not how that works. (Listen to your bespectacled East Asian -I know what I”m talking about.)

Meanwhile, Jughead is showing off his Homeroom of Horrors Pep Comics issue, written by JUGHEAD JUGULAR JONES. His friends want to celebrate with burgers. Jughead tells them he has a meeting with Rayberry at his house. He’s so happy.

Toni confronts Cheryl about telling Evelyn that Toni isn’t gay. She completely glosses over Cheryl saying they have a “big problem” about MIDGE. Toni says she’s not ashamed of who she is or who she likes and should not be considered someone to be rescued. Cheryl backs down immediately, answering in a soft voice that she doesn’t know what Toni wants Cheryl to say. Cheryl apologizes, so Toni says that she’s had enough of pursuing Cheryl. And that turns out to be the key thing, because the prospect of losing Toni’s attention altogether is what makes Cheryl gin up the courage to say, out loud, using her voice, to another person that she is attracted to girls.

Atta girl Cheryl!

“And I think maybe I’m attracted to you!” Cheryl says, starting to cry. Toni is merciless, and wants her to actually confess - that Cheryl KNOWS she is attracted to Toni.

Jughead is at the Rayberry apartment, which looks really familiar to me. Is it the Toni/Fangs Throuple Cursed Apartment with Fucking Kevin?? Or is it Jughead and Tabitha’s apartment?? (The windows are too different.) Rayberry says he’s willing to read Jughead’s writing, then offers him tea, which Jughead accepts. Jughead is a bad guest because opens a closed box and steals a manuscript with a working title that I don’t catch the reference to because I never do. Jughead straight up steals the manuscript. Plagiarism and manuscript theft are apparently big themes for Jughead (sometimes the manuscript is a computer file), but I am not clear on what the theme is supposed to say, yet... this was very ill judged of him.

Meanwhile, Cheryl and Toni are on their first date, kind of, during which Toni takes it upon herself to out both Kevin and Clay, even though she says Cheryl isn’t supposed to talk about it with other people. This does not seem like a very good beginning. Cheryl in this universe has an aunt Carol, who moved to Greenwich Village to be a lesbian and a writer. “A sapphic sexual deviant” according to Penelope. Carol apparently gets to live loving women. Toni is bisexual in this world too, but it was only a problem when she made out with girls. Her grandmother is for some reason absolutely accepting of Toni being queer. Cheryl says that her family will only accept her if she plays her role correctly. She’s now ready for something else, so Toni holds her hand.

Archie is working at night, and of course Julian oozes up to get his tank filled. Inside the Diner, Bee and Vee are on a date with one dark haired and one light haired WASP boy each from the private school. Betty is bored as fuck by her date. Pop brings a thermos of coffee to Archie. Archie says that Fred used to play basketball with him all the time, when Pops says Fred was a legendary basketball player. Pops says Fred was a true American hero. Archie agrees, looking genuinely happy for the first time

Jughead has stayed up all night reading Rayberry’s “Jupiter Journals” manuscript that he stole when he was personally invited to that man's house AND imposed on him to read his vomit draft. Jughead! Why are you like this! For some reason, he is not in his skin tight Goofy long-johns. Instead he is in the patented slutty Jughead Jones tank top over striped pajamas. Does this mean something? Or is this the underwear and loungewear that Veronica got for him when she redid his traincar? Jughead says the book is “like Flash Gordon if Fitzgerald had written it.” I have no idea what Flash Gordon is. Jughead in his inappropriate way, because he is so love-starved, immediately decides to confront Rayberry about shoving his light under a bushel or something, not cognizant of the fact that having stolen the manuscript is going to have bad consequences.

At school, Veronica wants to know what happened with the preppy that walked Betty home, which was a big nothing. There was no spark because Betty wants to sleep with Archie and nobody else. She says this means she’s doomed since he turned her down flat. Veronica says Romeo & Juliet had “logistical problems but they figured it out.”

And for the first time in seven years, at the THIRD Romeo & Juliet mention (Jughead calling Betty Juliet, Toni calling Fangs and Midge Romeo & Juliet and now Veronica) someone finally says the correct thing: “Veronica, they both DIED.”

Bless Veronica though because she knows something about Romeo & Juliet, so she retorts: “Not until Act 5 and only after they lost their cherries.”

Is this foreshadowing? Is this how this sojourn to 1955 is going to end??

Veronica has an idea. She says that Barchie should have long meaningful late night conversations to get close to Archie.

She also uses the word “gatekeeping.” Earlier on she used the term “gaslighting” about the purpose of the word “nymphomaniac.” Is the slow breaking down of the world of 1955 as created by Tabitha Tate? Why is Veronica using 2020s lingo like this in her 50s universe?

Betty said she’d love to, but she knows Archie doesn’t have a phone in his room. Veronica is so smart - she immediately gets to the heart of the matter. “You can look into ARchie’s bedroom window through yours?” she asks. She wants to know immediately if Betty has seen Archie [dot dot dot] and I’m choosing to understand this as “naked” to which Betty says, sounding very much like she really needs a vibrator, “Yes. Many, MANY times!” Veronica wants in on the peep show.

Inside the school, Julian Blossom is really asking for it, calling Archie a grease monkey to complain about the car service, then calls him waterboy and to get him to fetch a soda. Julian then takes the name of God, I mean Fred, in vain, saying he’s going to obliterate Fred’s record since Archie’s not going to be the one. Archie pushes him, Julian pushes back, then Archie punches him right in the face.

What was the casting requirement for Julian Blossom? Have a punchable face? Because he’s now been socked in the face by no less than Ethel, then Jughead, and now Archie.

It is Archie’s explosion into violence that makes Mary spring into action. I don’t have kids but this is bad parenting, right? Like, she’s doing all the things wrong. Mary only reacts meaningfully when Archie is violent, like today. She finally womans up enough to tell Uncle Fucking Frank to back off, declares that since she is Archie’s mother, she will take the lead on this issue.

While that’s going on, violence of a different, distinctly more feminine character is happening among the cheerleaders. Cheryl has assigned being the flyer to Toni, which Evelyn very much resents because that was her role. Cheryl comes very close to saying this is a Cheerocracy but what she actually says is that if Evelyn doesn’t like it she can quit immediately. Evelyn looks at the others for support, but none is to be had. OK so we know from the earlier seasons what Evelyn is like, and she is shown to be openly homophobic here, but also given that Kevin got to do all that HE did and still got called BRAVE by Betty as sweet music played over the horrible scene, I think Evelyn deserved better. So Evelyn capitulates as Toni smirks at Cheryl approvingly.

Finally, finally, Mary is asking Archie what is going on. She wants to know if Archie is avoiding basketball because of Frank. Archie says it’s not because of Frank, it’s because of Fred’s absence. There is an anvil in his heart whenever he plays basketball because he misses his father. He’s also afraid of not being as good as Fred. Mary says a truthful thing -that Fred would be proud of Archie. She’s also going to make Frank ease up on him. We’ll see about that.

Jughead has gone charging ahead to go to Rayberry, to tell him outright that he stole a manuscript from him and then read it. Jughead thinks that his telling an already published and well known author that he has “got to get [something] published” is somehow going to get him forgiveness for the breach of trust. When Rayberry tries to get his bearings, Jughead smiles as he says that it was “only for a night.” Rayberry gets angry, and kicks Jughead out. Jughead's heart breaks right there, but he did it to himself. He wanted to speed run to intimacy with this potential father figure (who also confessed to having a difficult relationship with his own parent) but made a colossal mistake by being too hungry & desperate. Rayberry also breaks his own coffee cup by throwing it, which makes Jughead go running, which probably means he grew up in a violent home.

In the girls’ locker room, Choni get their first kiss. Toni was turned on by Cheryl’s show of dominance, even though Cheryl is apparently sexually a total bottom.

And finally, Veronica and Betty are blatantly peeping at Archie undressing. Veronica starts narrating in the most cheesy way: “Stand back Ringling Brothers because THIS is the greatest show on earth!”

OK so I agree that Archie’s abs are pretty fantastic but why does this keep happening to him? In place of Kevin now here’s Veronica egging Betty on to do this voyeurism. Veronica even wants binoculars. Archie sees them though before Veronica can get a gander at his junk. Both girls collapse to the floor. Veronica finds the whole situation pretty funny, but Betty is so embarrassed, saying the two of them are being Peeping Patties. Also? Betty understands a lot of Veronica’s film references, though I suppose Rear Window is very much a mainstream blockbuster.

The next morning, Betty tells Veronica she couldn’t sleep a wink. Veronica was also embarrassed but like many perpetrators of sexual wrong acts she has come around to thinking that Archie was asking for it with his strutting while having abs. She also hopes Archie will be too embarrassed to confront them.

She is utterly wrong about this, because Archie has come directly to them. He doesn’t seem mad however. Archie wants to talk to ONLY Betty. Veronica makes like a MILF, tells Archie to “keep up the good work” before walking away. Archie says he saw B and V peeping on him. Betty does here what Betty always does and she lies, until Archie assures her that he isn’t mad, and actually wants to do a mutual peep show.

This next part is very very cute though. The lust makes the two of them completely braindead so they assure each other that they will both be in their own bedrooms at midnight (so they can do this mutual peep show). Archie is so really, truly, very excited, and Betty is BEYOND excited.

Suddenly, Archie wants to play basketball. Apparently 50s Jughead is not wrong about this part - Archie is entirely fueled by sex. Because he has sex related prospects tonight, suddenly he is “here to play.” He also stands up to Frank, telling him how irrelevant he is -”I’m not doing this for you.” Frank seems to think that his ‘tough love’ worked. I wish I could punch him in the nuts.

A teacher has ratted out Jughead’s author status to Werther (Dupont!). Why are these people at work so very, very late??

Betty and Archie are so ready to do their long distance strip tease/ peep show. Belts, then shirts (and Betty has on the sexy lingerie underneath!), then come Archie’s abs! Betty starts to remove her skirt (though with her unbuttoned blouse still on. And now they are down to just their underwear!

OH NO. RECORD SCRATCH.

I am cockblocked by BOTH Uncle Fucking Frank AND Hal Cooper! Oh Riverdale, that was really cruel. “What in the hell is going on here??” indeed! You title the episode Peep Show and then do THIS?

#i am finally caught up! Next ep drops June 1 here!#riverdale opinon #riverdale ep 7.6 #riverdale episode 122 #riverdale s7 recap #riverdale s7 #Riverdale s6 #riverdale recap #riverdale episode recap

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