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that-sw-writer · 4 years

Note

oooh yas! #16 and 20 for Kylo pwease 😗✌🏻

16: “Are you flirting with me?” “You finally noticed.”

20: “Shut up and kiss me.”

Word count: 1630

Warnings: Kylo Ren cannot flirt... like, at all. He’s awkward as shit.

Notes: The song Sugaan Essena comes from the Jedi: Fallen Order video game (the one Cal listens to on Bracca/plays in the Haxion Brood fighting pit). It kinda slaps so give it a listen if you’re interested.

“Are you flirting with me?”

It had started a few weeks ago, and at first you had thought nothing of it - but now you were convinced that Commander Ren was following you.

Everywhere you went he would conveniently pop up, and you were just a mechanic, what interest could be possibly have in you?

One day you had been under a TIE Fighter, making minor repairs and when someone cleared their throat you pushed yourself out, only to be met with Kylo Ren towering over you. You had sat up, reaching for a cloth to wipe the grease off your hands.

"Sir? Did you need something?" You asked.

You weren't particularly afraid of Ren in the same way a majority of officers were, after all what did you have to be scared of? You were a mechanic who really had nothing to do with him, therefore he had no reason to take any of his anger out on you. Or maybe you were just more level headed than a majority of the other officers, you just didn't understand what made him so scary.

"I-Uh... nothing." He said before turning tail and storming off.

You furrowed your brow, more confused than anything, but you had been quick to shake it off and get back to your work.

Another day he had approached you outside the mess hall, but just as he had opened his mouth to say something to you, he had closed it and kept walking.

These sorts of interactions were becoming strangely common in your everyday routine. But you weren't necessarily complaining, since Kylo Ren had stopped wearing his mask it had become a lot easier to address him when you could see his face. He was undeniably handsome, you and your fellow mechanics had had a pool going about his appearance and you were actually glad you had lost - your bet had been that he had a horribly scarred and disfigured face. But he only had one scar, it split across his face from his forehead to down below his clothing. Somehow it added to his appearance, you quite liked the rugged look.

Today you were working on Ren's Silencer, although compared to TIE Fighters it was more than a routine fix. The whole ship was so trashed you were tempted to write it off and send message to High Command that Ren would need a new ship, but you elected against that, after all you loved a challenge.

You had your headphones in, listening to 'Sugaan Essena.' It was an old song, one popular right at the beginning of the Empire's reign, but it was a great song to work to. Perhaps your music was a bit too loud, but you hadn't heard someone approaching and presumably trying to get your attention.

When you felt the mechanic's creeper you were lying on be pulled out from under the Silencer you were startled, and managed to hit your head on the way out.

"Ow!" You complained.

Groaning you pulled out your headphones and were rubbing the spot on your head that was probably going to bruise slightly.

You were met by Kylo Ren's face, looking incredibly guilty and slightly red with embarrassment.

"Yes Sir?" You grumbled, not overly happy with the abrasive interruption.

"Are you okay?" He sheepishly asked, and you nodded.

"I've done worse." You tried to lighten the mood, but his face didn't move an inch. In fact, he just fell silent.

"You're not wearing regulation uniform." He pointed out, and you raised an eyebrow, had he really interrupted you for that? You never wore your uniform properly.

Your regulation jumpsuit was usually tied around your waist, and you just wore a tight, black long sleeved top underneath. It was more comfortable that way, even though that wasn't strictly how it was supposed to be worn.

"Sorry Commander." Your tone was rather dry as you began to undo the sleeves which were knotted together around your waist, but he interjected.

"No, I didn't mean-" He spluttered and you paused to look at him, utterly confused, "I-it looks good, I mean. You look good." He commented, before once again turning tail to stomp away.

He didn't even give you a chance to respond, but you definitely put that one up at the top of your list of 'weird interactions with Commander Ren.' You still couldn't believe that there was a list - you were so oblivious you found yourself constantly wondering what his problem with you was.

A few days went by without any weird interactions, but you did notice Ren lurking in your peripheral vision multiple times. He never approached, which made it even weirder.

Finally you reached your limit with Commander Ren following you around when you were working on his Silencer for your third shift in a row and somehow every day you seemed to be fixing the cooling system. You were a good mechanic - no, you were a great mechanic, and there was no way something as simple as the cooling system was continuously breaking on a daily basis.

"Boss, can you get Commander Ren down here?" You called to your supervisor, who looked at you, confused.

"Are you serious Y/N? Why would you want him down here?" He replied to you.

"Because I have a theory that he's purposely sabotaging this kriffing cooling system." You shrugged. It made sense after all, he seemed to be the one finding every excuse to be near you. Now maybe he was trying to keep you working on his ship.

"Are you seriously asking me to summon the Commander Kylo Ren down here so you can accuse him of something? You must have a death wish." He laughed dryly, and you rolled your eyes.

"He's really not as terrifying as you make out." You shrugged.

"Not terrifying? Y/N I saw him use that glow stick of his to rip apart an entire computer console the other day - gives me the shivers just thinking 'bout it. But if you want him down here, that's on you." He snorted, turning away to go and request the Commander's presence.

You shook your head in disbelief at the fear a grown man had for... well, just another man, and rolled yourself back beneath the Silencer to fix this cooling system for what had better be the last time.

A few minutes later someone cleared their throat and you pushed yourself out to be greeted once again by Kylo Ren. You definitely hadn't expected him to arrive so quickly, although you were just glad this time he hadn't opted to pull you out from underneath the ship himself.

"What seems to be the problem?" He asked, and you narrowed your eyes at him, suspicious.

"Sir, I think you already know what the problem is." You challenged him.

"I was told it's the cooling system." He casually said, and you could tell he was shifting slightly, clearly trying not to run from the conversations like he always did.

"The cooling system which has broken three times." You weren't afraid of him, honestly he didn't look like he could hurt a fly the way he seemed so awkward around you. Although really you knew that wasn't true.

"Oh- I-uh, I wonder why that it. Maybe it needs replacing altogether." He suggested.

"That would be a long job for something that should be a quick fix." You pointed out. You weren't stupid, you knew Kylo Ren knew his way around a ship, he was a skilled pilot, he definitely knew a lot of the mechanics behind it.

"I'm sure you can handle that. You're a very-" He cleared his throat, "A very skilled mechanic." His comment confirmed your suspicions, and a smirk began to tug at the corner of your lips.

"Sir, are you flirting with me?" You finally asked the question which had been plaguing your mind. The following you around, making awkward comments, it all just added up.

A look of relief crossed his face, and his posture relaxed, "you finally noticed." He said.

You wondered what he saw in you, after all you were just a mechanic, not some general or war hero. Even with your hair swept up into a ponytail and grease marks all over of your face from a day's work he was somehow interested in you.

"I can't say you're a natural, Commander." You tried to tease him to break the ice, and when he actually smiled at you you realised that he knew you weren't afraid of him. You were probably the only person on base who didn't live in fear of him, and perhaps that's what he liked.

"I haven't had a lot of practise." He sheepishly said, and you stood up, as usual using a cloth to wipe off your hands and face.

"I've seen worse." You reassured him, with a small chuckle. In truth you hadn't seen much worse, you hadn't actually had many people flirt with you at all actually. This was the First Order not a cantina bar in the outer rim.

You walked on board the Silencer, away from prying eyes, and he got the hint and followed you.

"I'm sorry if I was too forward, or made you uncomfortable. I just- I didn't know how to get your attention, and I thought I was being subtle but then there was the time I accidentally hit your head and-" He was rambling and you cut him off by boldly placing a finger to his lips.

"With all due respect Commander, you could just shut up and kiss me." You suggested, and this time he didn't hesitate.

His lips met yours in a passionate embrace and you pulled yourself towards him by wrapping your arms around his shoulders. For all he lacked in flirting skills, he made up for with this kiss.

Turns out his flirting must have somewhat done the trick, because that wasn't the last time Kylo Ren kissed you and it wasn't long before he saw you promoted to Chief Mechanic.

Only the best for the woman he loved.

#kylo ren x reader #kylo ren imagine #kylo ren x you #kylo ren x y/n #kylo ren #kylo x reader #kylo x you #kylo x y/n

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alluringinure · 3 years

Text

OCD

may 23

this is a vent mostly, but if you do read this and have anything you think of what I wrote, please feel free to message me in any way and i’d love to talk to someone who knows what I’m feeling. it doesn’t even need to be advice, but mutual venting and discussion is welcome.

I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read through any of this.

My whole life has been spent knowing that I very likely have OCD. Some of the earliest memories I have is relating to the anxiety I had over certain rituals, and my parents’ responses over them. At the age of 8, I used hand sanitizer in such excess in class because I constantly felt like I needed to clean them. I’d find any reason I could to go to the teacher’s desk to get hand sanitizer. I knew it wasn’t normal to use it so much, but the urge was so strong and I got nervous if I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t just hand sanitizer, but it was washing too. Constant washing and sanitizing isn’t good for your skin, especially in winter. My hands would crack and bleed, and it hurt a lot but I could not stop. Before lunch, my teachers are would have us line up to use hand sanitizer before lunch, but I had to be given special permission to wash my hands in the bathroom before lunch everyday. Because washing my hands normally was preferred over the alcohol in my already cracked skin. My teachers were advised to not allow me to use it too often, because it was seen as a clear issue by them.

A common issue in OCD is numbers. For me, I have specific number rules. All odd numbers are okay. I like odd numbers bc there is always a clear median number. Math was always stressful to me in a way that other subjects weren’t, and I believe it was due to the involvement of math. I enjoyed finding the median, but I much preferred doing it with odd numbers. there was always a clear median, such as with {3, 7, 11}. There is always a clear middle number, instead of needing to average. Exceptions to this rule are multiples of 10, and numbers that have a pattern repeat numbers (11/22/33). I also have to count in odd numbers of odd sets. What I mean, is when I do a ritual, I must do it an odd number of times. If I take 3 sips of water but pause, I have to do another set of odd numbers (say 5), then another odd set (say 1). I do this with everything I do. I count when I drink water, when I grab paper towels, etc. I hate this because there are so many things that I know are wasteful about this but sometimes the stress outweighs my conscious about this. Numbers feel like they ruin my life because I get stressed if I only take 2 sips of water, or if I have to pick between eating only 1 thing of food when 3 is too many instead.

Another one of my issues was my bedroom door. I do not know where this started, but it went on for as long as I can remember prior to moving out. I had to constantly make sure that my door was closed. It was sometimes as simple as just pressing it to see if it was closed. Anytime I was near the hallway to my room, i’d have to go check. If I tried to leave without it, i’d start feeling panicky and it would not subside. I could go at least an hour without shaking the panic. As the panic over it grew, so did the length of the ritual.

I started to have to open my door, close it a very specific way, and if it did not feel right, i’d have to repeat. If I repeated it 2 times, I had to do it a 3rd. I can’t do even numbers. I’d do it over and over, everytime I was in or near the hallway. I would avoid going near the hallway to avoid the inevitable stress that I would have over this.

Sensory issues in another. I smell things that no one else notices, clothes sometimes have a weird feeling of just disgust and it’s like my skin crawls when I put it on. The smell of lots of clothes has me panicking if I have to wear them, and I had anxiety attacks getting ready for school in my bedroom trying to convince myself that my uniform shirt, which was clean, was not dirty and should not feel wrong like it did. Clothes, which smell and feel perfectly fine on other people, I cannot bring myself to wear. No matter if I perfume the shirt or if it has any smell to others, it’s unbearable to me. I can’t handle certain things on my skin. Most lotions I can’t stand feeling to the point i’ll wash them off immediately. I am working on this, but it’s so hard to do. Any oily feeling on my skin makes me want to scrape my skin off to avoid the feeling.

One that causes significant impact in my life is my bed. I have had issues sleeping in my bed since I was a kid. I have sleep issues in general, and a lot of anxiety relating to sleep. I cannot sleep in my bed without having showered immediately prior. If I even just leave my room and go to the living room and sit in there, I feel revolted to get in my bed. I get nervous and can’t sleep if I try to convince myself it’s okay. I sleep on the floor frequently because I don’t always feel up to shower, and the floor is fine. I have designated blankets that I only use in my chair in my bedroom, and on my floor. My “floor blankets and pillows” are just blankets that i use exclusively when napping or sleeping on the floor, as the name suggests. It’s a known thing in my household that I have these.

There are so many others that I haven’t discussed, such as intrusive thoughts, and much more. Many involve thoughts of harming myself, and I often have thoughts of harming myself to get rid of certain triggers , which is irrational thinking but it doesn’t stop the thoughts from coming.

I feel judged so often over the things that I struggle with that are visible. I am too embarrassed to talk about these things, and I don’t want to seem like i’m faking. I have so many issues as is and I don’t want to make people think i’m doing this for attention. I want to seek treatment, and my primary doctor suggested I see a psychologist for testing and potential treatment, but it feels so daunting. I don’t want to tell anyone I want treatment, so many of my issues are internal or behind closed doors, and the ones that are obvious are written off as me just being dumb. How do I seek help, when the cost is so great? I want to feel better but I can’t avoid the treatment I need to do so.

I don’t know what to do from here. I want help, I know I need it, but I can’t afford it. I can’t afford most of my health issues, so I have to just deal with them. I can’t do anything but wait around and hope it doesn’t get worse before I finish school and can get better insurance than my parents insurance. My family does not take my issues seriously and it feels impossible to improve in any way from here.

#OCD #obsessive compulsive disorder #mental health #mentalwellness #anxiety #psychology #vent #health #american health system #mental health suggestions #mental health support #chronic pain #chronic health problems

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minbongyi · 7 years

Text

AN UNEXPECTED PRESENT

Live Up to Your Name, Dr. Heo’s Ep. 16 - Extension Part 1

———————————————-

‘In your life, there comes a time that you long for something or want something. Then an unexpected present visits you. That is the real reward.’

“Did you miss me?” Heo Im followed Yeonkyung who walked first.

“Are you going to be here for a while?” she asked casually, trying to hide her happiness because Heo Im is back.

“What do you mean, a little while? I am here to live with you.” he explained while jumping cutely.

“Who’s going to live with you?” this time Yeonkyung tries to stifle her laughter.

“Do you have a Namchin (boyfriend) by any chance?” he asked.

“I have many Namsachin (male friend).” she teases him again.

“What is a Namsachin? Namchin, Namsachin,” Heo Im looking for the difference between the two slang words. “What is the difference?” he asked innocently.

“When are you leaving?” Yeonkyung glances at Heo Im.

“I told you already, I came here to live with you.” he hooks his hand with Yeonkyung’s hand.

“You said the same thing before.”

“So I came here again, I am sorry.”

“That’s fine. You abandoned me once. You could abandon me twice then.” Yeonkyung pulls her hand away.

“I have never abandoned you. I thought it was impossible for me to live here.” he blurted out for Yeonkyung to forgive him.

“Forget it.” she kept hide her smile.

“Where else can I go? I can not live without you now.” said Heo Im to Yeonkyung as he hooked his hand with hers. Yeonkyung just tutted while exhaling.

“Don’t touch me, you need to be punished for abandoning me!” joked Yeonkyung again.

“I told you already, I’m not abandoning you, Cheoja!” he whining cutely to Yeonkyung as she tries to untie the hooks of their hands.

Yeonkyung clucking her tongue again at the sight of Heo Im’s usual behavior, just like the first time they met. She can not hold back her smile now. While walking she is just smiling happily because her man finally come back after two years.

“How’s Joseon?” Yeonkyung asked again. She can not take her eyes off of Heo Im who is still smiling broadly as he tries to grasp Yeonkyung’s hand.

“Joseon? It’s alright now..” Heo Im paused as he remembered Makgae. He let go off Yeonkyung’s hand and looked around. She frowned a bit because he letting go her hand.

“What’s wrong?” Yeonkyung asked curiously. Her eyes look for what Heo Im looking for. Her head also mirroring his moves.

“Aniyo..” he replied to Yeonkyung’s question. He convinces himself that he did not take Makgae to Seoul. He smiles at Yeonkyung and holds her hand again, his smile still full flared because finally he can return to Seoul. And Yeonkyung has longed for this man, all this time.

***

HAEMINSEO ORIENTAL CLINIC

“Hello, there!” Heo Im shouting in front of the clinic door. Yeonkyung just laughed silently beside him. “Hello, there!” he yelled again. From inside Director Choi looks confused to hear the shouting voice in front of the clinic.

“Is he out of his mind?” he hurried to open the door when he realized who was shouting.

“Mr. Choi, I’m here!” Heo Im smiling broadly as Director Choi opens the door of his clinic. Director Choi fix the location of his glasses in order to see more clearly.

“Ya! You!” Director Choi yelled. Yeonkyung immediately pulls Heo Im’s hand into the house because she does not want to hear her grandfather preach Heo Im. Director Choi lost of words and followed them from behind after closing the door.

“Hello everybody!” said Heo Im to Jaesook and Byungki. Both of them looks so confused because Heo Im’s sudden advent. He continues to follow Yeonkyung who pulls his hand into the house.

The house is still the same since he left two years ago. The electric massage chair he bought was also there. He smiled a little as Yeonkyung let go of his hand and went into her bedroom. He walks around the house for a while to recall his memory in Seoul.

“Bongtak-ssi!” Yeonkyung called sweetly from behind her bedroom door. The girl’s face lit up as she bit her lower lip. Heo Im goes approached her.

“Ne cheoja?” he asked innocently.

“Change your clothes..” the girl keep bit her lips trying to not smile too wide. She then gives the clothes that Heo Im wearing used to, she’s still kept the clothes neatly in her closet, hope one day this man will come back again. Heo Im takes the clothes that Yeonkyung gave and goes to change his Joseon doctor uniform.

Not long after Heo Im had finished changing his clothes and washing his body, then he joined dinner with Director Choi. He cooked meat for his beloved granddaughter. Heo Im casually piled the meat into his bowl, but Director Choi stopped him while laughing at Heo Im.

Then Yeonkyung takes her chopstick and pumps the meat into Heo Im’s bowl, he laughed out when Director Choi scolded his granddaughter for giving a lot of meat to him.

“You can’t give him that much. It’s for you.” said Director Choi.

“I only giving him a little amount, Grandpa.” she giggled to her Grandfather.

“I’m just comeback from a far Mr. Choi. Please treat me well.” joked Heo Im again.

Under the table, Yeonkyung and Heo Im’s feet tease each other. They just chuckle during dinner, stealing glance to each other. Director Choi smiling widely because his granddaughter laughter.

Director Choi fell asleep after dinner. Heo Im lay down on the carpet near the sofa where he used to sleep. He buffed his head with a pillow and covered his body with blanket, he still could not sleep.

He stared at the ceiling because he still did not believe he was back in Seoul. He picked up the needle case that he placed next to him, the case was intact again like when he come to Seoul for the first time.

He still asks why the needle case came back to him after disappearing two years ago when he decided to return to Joseon. He took a deep breath as Yeonkyung sneaked out of her room.

“Cheoja?” call Heo Im.

“I thought you were asleep.” the girl smiled sweetly as she walked towards him. He is still awoke.

“Are you looking for me?” he asked softly.

She smiled at him and nodded. Yeonkyung rolls her eyes as she pulls his hand to stand up. “Does not it hurt to sleep on the floor?” Yeonkyung asked.

Heo Im shook his head. “Why?”

Yeonkyung immediately pulls Heo Im’s hand and orders him to follow her into her room. He just smiling as Yeonkyung locks her bedroom door after they entered the room.

“Sleep there.” Yeonkyung ordered while pointing at her mattress. Heo Im rushes over her mattress.

“And you?” he asked.

“Next to you.” Heo Im squinted his eyes. Yeonkyung chuckles as she grabs the grey blanket and covering their bodies. She lays and start to sleep.

“Are you serious you wanted to sleep?” asked him.

“What should we do then?” she gets up again and leaning her back on the headboard just like he do.

“I thought you miss me.” he smiled widely and take her hand. He hold it tightly as he saw some of their photo on Yeonkyung’s desk. Their last photo before he leaving Seoul to Joseon.

“I miss you every single day.” she said while also looking at their pictorial on the desk. He smiled again when hearing Yeonkyung keep telling him that she missed him.

“I thought I can move on from you, Cheoja,” he said seriously. “But every single things I do everyday keep reminds me of you,” he looked at Yeonkyung. “What should I do?”

“You trying to move on?” she laughed.

“Meh! I bet you have a lot of boyfriend when I’m gone.” he get annoyed because she laughed at his confession.

“Are you meet another beautiful women in Joseon?”

“You’re still the prettiest.”

“Really?” she raised her eyebrows.

“Are you meet another man who can make your heart beating fastly?”

“Too bad. No one can beat you.”

“Really?” he impersonates her tone. They laughed again as Yeonkyung moves closer to Heo Im and lean on his shoulder.

“But I did meet someone more handsome than you.” she giggled after intertwined their finger. Teased him again.

“Nugu?” he asked.

“An actor.”

“Which one?”

“Kim Nam Gil.” she smiled widely.

“Judging from your smile, he must be so handsome.” he gets more annoyed.

“Are you, perhaps, jealous?” she looking at him up close and keep smiling.

“Hehh! Aniyo..” Heo Im tried to hide his jealous-ness.

“You did.” she laughed because she can teased Heo Im. Pointing at his jealous face.

“Why don’t you asked him to marry you?” he’s still annoyed.

“You don’t want to marry me, Bongtak-ssi? I thought you just said you want to live with me.” Yeonkyung tries to calming him down.

“I’m not handsome.” he calmed.

“I don’t love him..” they looked at each other then laughed.

Heo Im taking a long breath. “I miss you, Cheoja. I’m serious.” he looked at her with his calm eyes. Yeonkyung get locked at his gaze, she cannot tell how happy she is right now. She’s smiling again.

Heo Im lick his lips. Yeonkyung gulped nervously as catching him looking at her lips. She stopped laughing as her heart beating so fast.

“And?” she said. Heo Im hesitate a bit to get closer.

The light is so dim on her room. He looked at her lips once and look at her eyes to asked for a permission. His heart beating faster as well when he decided to get closer to reach her lips. Yeonkyung naturally closed her eyes as Heo Im holds her neck softly, giving a small peck on her lips just like their first kiss. He pulled his head away, taking a deep breath in a shyness between them.

Yeonkyung cursed him in her head and hold his lower jaw. She kissed him back as she get his upper lips, so he titled his head then kissed her lower lips. Trying to get rid off the longing feeling in these two years.

Yeonkyung’s body trembling slightly when Heo Im kissed her more deeper. He take her left hand on his cheek and place it in his chest. Not wasting much time he hold her back neck, pulled her waist close and tight. They sucking each other lips gently while their head titled to the other side.

They pulled away after run out of breath, panting hardly as they tried to catch some air. She can heard his deep breath after pulled away. He leaned his head to her forehead and slowly opened their eyes to look at each other.

Yeonkyung’s cheeks becomes red when she’s smiling after the kiss. Can’t help Heo Im smiling ear to ear while biting his lower lips. He stroke her hair softly and give a kiss on her forehead before they laying on the bed.

He ask Yeonkyung to make his hand as her pillow so he can hug her freely while sleep. She did so. He keep kissed her forehead and sniff her hair. She’s also sniffing his smell and get fall asleep after Heo Im stroking her hair slowly.

The night falling to the dawn outside. Time seems like stopped clicking at this moment. They can’t even think about what will happened next time, this destiny is still strange for both of them. In their dream, they promised each other on being together forever, followed what their hearts want, wherever the destiny will bring them. So nothing would be regretted.

#live up to your name #kim nam-gil #kim ah-joong #heo im #choi yeon-kyung #김남길 #김아중 #명불허전 #fanfic

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my-hydeaway · 7 years

Text

Our Childhood

The best times of my life, let me share them with you. Approx 2k words

Remember the time you stood in a row of students and there was this boy beside you who could not stop crying? First day in kindergarten school and you were being looked up to as many by the brave and ambitious one, other parents in total envy of how their child is not as confident as you are while your parents stood meters away from the line of children and gave the proudest smile. Back to the crying boy beside you. His name was Minho. You never noticed it back then but he has the cutest round cheeks in the history of round cheeks. Up till today, he has not noticed how you managed to make a copy of his Polaroid childhood photo and keep it hidden in your wallet to be taken out at any time of the day for an adoring session. "Hey there! Don't cry!" You whispered to Minho, trying not to get caught by the harmless teacher.

"I wanna go home!" Minho continued to sob gently, eyes swollen and nose soggy with liquid.

"But we can play together soon!" Convincing him in the most sincere of ways, somehow he managed to calm down at the moment the word 'play' was said.

And that was probably the only thing you ever bragged about to Minho even after decades have passed, you wanted him to never forget how you took care of him on the first day of school, a complete stranger to you. He would always give the same shrug and warned you to never do that to a grown man crying on the street unless it happened to be himself. One of your favourite songs till date is the melodic harmony of xylophones and piano keys that gently carried the notes of the legendary Canon in D floating throughout the entire school. This meant that it was break time and before you knew it, Minho and you were out in the playground having a blast in the sandpit. He promised to built you a sandcastle, but wrestled so much with the idea he could barely get a bucket of sand to stand. Never did he knew, twenty years down the road he would have been trapped under the sand itself and embarrassed by his four buddies and childhood friend that he had to slur a cocktail mixture of vulgarities to be released from his sand prison. The years of classes involving nap time, break time and shower time soon passed as quickly as the seasons changed. The friendship between Minho and you remained concrete strong and the both of you made a pact to get into the same primary school by telepathy and dancing around a plate of animal crackers. The both of you continued this ritual every single time when it was required to choose a new school and it would always work. It was after much confrontation with your mother years later that you found out how your parents worked closely with Minho's parents to try and get the both of you into similar schools. You have stopped touching animal crackers completely ever since that hideous truth was revealed. Primary school was a lot more crazy and fun. Minho would come over to your place after school ends and the both of you would binge watch cartoon series and snack on chocolate waffles. It was also the time where Minho seemed to put on most of his weight. If you thought you had seen the chubbiest of his cheeks during kindergarten, the sight of how he managed to stuff thirty Maltesers into his mouth and the heavenly sound of biting and crunching into it all at once, chubbiest would be too mild of a word to call his cheeks by. There was this time another male student snatched your toy Pokemon and you were almost brimming with tears. No fear because Minho came to your rescue as he chased the toy thief around the playground as you watched Minho slowly ran out of speed as well as breath. Of course your toy Pokemon was returned to you unscathed but it seemed like a part of Minho's soul left his body as he laid on the floor panting crazily. "R-running.. is not my best forte.." He huffed and puffed, almost ready to blow the straw house down. "I can see that! But thanks for trying." You chuckled at his cheeks as you watched them jiggle when he exhaled deeply before extending a hand to help him out and brushing off the dirt that got onto the back of his uniform. You loved all of these innocent and child-like times. But what you loved even more, was when puberty began to hit Minho. For you, puberty hit way earlier than it did for Minho. Horrifying him at the way you squeeze the pus out of your inflamed pimples until there was a time where he refused to step into your house. When puberty finally dawned upon Minho, it hit him like a truck. "Why do you keep staring at me recently?" Minho asked nonchalantly as he balances his pen on his Cupid's bow, puckering his lips together while figuring out a way to solve his algebraic homework. "Do I do that?" You hid your tone, answering with absolutely nonchalance as well while you eyed at his broad shoulders. "Speaking of which, did you lose weight?" You sat up from his bed and closed the algebra book in front of you. It took you long enough to realise how his jawline emerged under all the baby fat that claimed the throne on his cheeks, broad shoulders that spanned out almost like the wings of a plane and the deep voice that dripped with honey each time he hummed his favourite song. It was no wonder you felt the deathly stares of other female species as you walk down the market with Minho, munching on spiral potatoes and chocolate sundaes. "Are you saying I'm fat?" Minho quickly turned around from his spinning chair and glared into your eyes. Things were just going so great in life. Not till his high school sweetheart crushed his heart into a million pieces and walked away without even looking back. Minho would always come to you and shared about all the romantic events he planned for her. On Valentine's Day, he stuffed petals of different kinds of flowers that belonged to the nearby garden into a transparent balloon and filled it up with helium. The way the petals did a little jump with every stride he took along with the floating balloon that glided through the air was absolutely stunning and you knew that she was one lucky girl. Sadly, she could not hold his hand for long and eventually decided to trample on his fragile heart. It was such a bad month for you because he hardly turned up for school. You had no one to walk with to school and no one to entertain your boredom doodle attacks during integration class. It got so bad that Minho did not even want to see anyone when you visited with some friends. It left you with your one last resort, one that could potentially break your legs if it went horribly wrong. It would be all worth it to make your best bud smile again. You climbed up the pipeline to his windowsill and tapped furiously on the window almost pleading to be saved from the jarring height. Because of this incident, Minho would always snicker whenever you stood near any kinds of window. Which is great, surely, because now there's at least two things you hate in the world so much - animal crackers and windows. After going through a dozen comfort movies, three tubs of ice-cream and two boxes of tissue paper, Minho returned to school the next day and normalcy was restored. Most first love almost never work out anyway and Minho recovered from his slowly but surely. Years of chasing dreams and painful rejections, the cruel world that seemed nothing like how you viewed it when you were in kindergarten. In fact, it made you wonder if the other children were crying over how the future will come too soon. In fact, it made you feel small and childish to be someone that brave. You were struggling through first year of university while Minho continued to chase his dreams. "You should have come to university with me." You pouted as you walked straight into the dormitory without even looking at Minho who stood at the door to welcome you in. "But I like it here." Minho was glowing, although he looked exhausted from all the training, he was in total glee and happy to see you after a whole month of confinement. "But learning is not the same without you anymore." Making your way to the fridge, you were so familiar with the house that wasn't yours, you could probably find the pots and pans with blindfolds on. "Ah come on, you're smart. I'll only be there to distract you." Minho dragged his feet, following you from behind, carefully examining your body to see if you have lost weight from the intense medical school. "Maybe we should have danced around the animal crackers." As if the can of beer you opened was not bitter enough, the thought of animal crackers made you cringe even more. "You? Trainee at YG? You've got to me kidding me!" The man wearing a black beanie matched with the largest rimmed spectacles teased you. It was getting incredibly difficult to spend time with Minho now. You had to go to school and had assignments almost every single day. On the other hand, Minho had to practice and train everyday in the company that he rarely saw the sun just as much as he used to when he was younger and more carefree. But I guess that's what being responsible adults are, even still, there are times where you would want to close all your books and head down with ice-cream and donuts to find Minho's great companion. "Just come down for a second, it'll only take a second I promise!" Minho pleaded through the phone, something that you cannot resist. "Okay okay, just for a bit alright, I have an assignment due tomorrow." You replied, finally feeling some excitement in your life after such a long time. Excitement turned to astonishment followed by a feeling that you have never felt in your life before. "Did you just end practice?" Hiding both your hands into the pockets of your hoodie from the late night breeze as you strutted towards Minho who waited at the empty park. Instead of replying, he whipped out a tub of ice-cream and sat you down on the park bench. The night was filled with ecstatic conversations and catching up with one another that felt all so familiar to you. It was as if time has rewind and gone back to the times where the both of you were kids again. The late night passed and the empty park was starting to show signs of life apart from the presence that Minho and you provided for the past four hours. Light slowly started to touch every part of the area, the morning dew that formed on the awaken leaves and elderly women coming out for a brisk stroll. "Oh my gosh, my assignment!" You shrieked after looking at the time on your phone before jumping up and getting ready to take off. "Before you go!" Minho stood up, got closer to your face and left a peck on your forehead. "You know that I'm always cheering for you right?" He smiled.

(to be continued..)

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visionaryconnector-blog · 7 years

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Gone, but Not Off Track

So, it has been a little over a week since my last post, and while I have been gone, it is not because I forgot, but rather it is because I was set to travel a lot and I knew that I would gain something interesting insights, and hopefully things you’d all care to read about. This entry is going to be about the process of meeting with school and community officials, the impact of some of the rhetoric that I hear, my concerns about how social justice is negatively effecting students of color in secondary education, and a potential dissertation topic I’m considering...oh yeah, I’m going to get a Ph.D.

Meeting Schools and Community Officials

It will never cease to amaze me how little information people actually need to be persuaded, and that isn’t always a good thing. I have traveled a lot of places, and met a lot of people and I have learned one important reality already: people are just grasping at anything they can to support minority youth in Minnesota...well almost anything...because their curriculum, cultural approach to educating them, focusing on building true competency in their teachers, having an administration that reflects their goals, and garnering community support aren’t on this list of “we tried everything” in some of the communities I have traveled to. (Steps Off of Soapbox) Anyway, I wanted to give you all my approach to interacting with people and increasing their likelihood of saying “yes” when I come to pitch the program to them. When I arrive, I make sure to get a sense of how people are feeling, in my last meeting, I met some delightful people in a Western Suburb of Minneapolis, they seemed to really care about the students, and as a whole were among the most honest about the failures of the state of Minnesota (the state the requires the most credentials for school administrators) to educate non-white students. The numbers are so abysmal, that one has only three options: 1. Own it, 2. Blame someone else, 3. Denial (what failure?). They, however, were refreshing and seemed genuinely interested in finding ways to help the students.

So, I begin my meeting introductions, myself, my role, and my goals. At this time, I also take the time for thanking them for taking their time to meet with me (and I am actually grateful because I need them to get my work done). I outline to them that I will not begin with selling my program, I would rather begin with a set of questions that will help me get a sense of what they are already doing, how their school functions, the make up of their community, and their school and community attitudes toward outside help, and particularly from the University of Minnesota. Once I meticulously compile what they tell me, I thank them and then restate what they said (in a conversational way - I’m not selling vacuums after all). I do this, usually by commenting on something I really loved, or asking for clarification to signal to them that I listened and understand what they are saying.

I then begin to discuss the program, but I speak about how the program can serve the areas that they discussed and make connections without hitting the landmines. Following that, I give them a vision for where I would like this to go, about my sincerity to serve their students and support the work that they are doing for the kids that are most underserved. At this point, I have them, how could I not? I affirmed them, and then pledged to use my time and resources to help them with no additional cost, and a minimal time commitment outside of helping me to set it up and vertically integrate into the district. We set our timetable to meet again, what tasks we will do next, and I set a time to reconvene because that is just needed.

The Rhetoric

Ok, so for the most part this blog has been pretty cordial and academic...I will be taking a different approach on this section. I’m going to be much more of myself, and if you know me and we’ve had these conversations, you know exactly what I mean.

Black Role Models and African American boys and Young Men

At times when I have conversations in this area, I feel like I’m transported back to the late 1990s and early 2000s. I hear phrases like “African America males aren’t succeeding because they don’t have black male roles models,” and I smile and nod and then think BULL****! While I recognize the importance of role models, people don’t recognize that making that statement is the attempt to blame the victim for their own victim hood. It’s a circular argument that doesn’t question the root of that problem.

Everyday I drive past the road Philando Castile was murdered on, that man from all reports was an upstanding man in the community, he was doing what he was asked, and was still killed by a police officer (who has been charged with a slew of crimes stemming from that shooting), the man isn’t present to be a role model by not choice of his own. We can see over and over, there are perfectly acceptable men that we gloss over everyday because we want to have sizzle; we want to project that success looks like this. So these communities walk past the black construction worker, and they come to me with my tie and sweater vest and master’s degree and say we need more like you. Except, I was raised by a garbage man and a church administrator. These were the people that they didn’t look for. Anyway, I say all of this to say that the “lack” of success of African American boys and young men still has a lot to do with a putative education system, horrific distribution of wealth that (by the most recent numbers) shows black people make between $45k to $230k less over their life time of working (even with the same credentials and skills as white people). Their success is rooted in a school system that sees them as a problem to solve, and views them as so “other” that they do not take the kind of care to help them that is necessary for basic development.

I am not insinuating that there are not areas that black men could contribute, but these notion that we are to blame solely for the failure of our boys is a tragedy in that we are as much effected by the same forces as they are.

The “Achievement Gap”

I have already heard this more times than my stomach wants to, this is one of the most ridiculous things that I have to listen to everyday. Minnesota is REALLY good at education...if you’re white, and in bottom of the bottom when it comes to students of color. Naturally, instead of taking any responsibility for an educational system that obvious has a cultural limitation, we say the minoritized people just not “achieving” the same. Whether or not anyone wants to admit it, that is an insidious BLAME THE VICTIM statement. These students aren’t scoring where we want them to be, so it must be a problem with them; but no not REALLY wants to investigate a problem that has such uniform outcomes.

There is a discussion about a thing called the “belief gap” the idea that teachers and administrators don’t fundamentally believe minoritized kids can be successful, so they don’t invest in them in the ways that bring out their best potential. This is a possible culprit, but I actually think it may be something more subtle than that, and I will discuss that later...yet, I did just give you a cliff hanger so that you’ll still read.

Wrapping up the Rhetoric

I could go on for days, but I won’t, I am frustrated to no end by the fact that I feel like I went back in time and we are having conversations that demand respectability politics. I have spoken to so many African American men that want the boys to get hair cuts and wear suits and they launch projects to “show people a different image of black men.” I shake my head, we just watched probably the objectively most respectable black man that we could have collectively known in Barack Obama be ridiculed, and heckled for 8 years as the PRESIDENT: respectability isn’t going to save them.

I indent to take my OneWin message anywhere people are willing to hear it, we have to re-center ourselves in our own narrative. We cannot continue to allow the perceptions (or fears of perceptions of others) cause us to spend the majority of our time trying to convince white folks of our value, when we can just be convinced of our value and allow them to deal with their own feelings about us. At some point, if we want to change this situation, our rhetoric has to change. They can achieve just fine, there are enough black men to be role models, and we need to stop this impetus to make them more respectable and just teach them how to respect themselves.

Social Justice: How Discussing Privilege is a Privilege

“White guilt is still more valuable to some than the lives and opportunities of our children...but hey...they can just chalk it up to their achievement gap and lack of role models, instead of seeing how white kids are not routinely subject to being held hostage in intellectual disputes about why teachers have to treat them like people.”

I have been watching how the discussion of privilege is all the rage. In my higher ed circles, the “check your privilege” movements and such are happening. Now, I won’t argue that it’s important to educate people on privilege but that appears to be where most folks stop, and well, that’s a privilege. lol

Why do I say that? Because discussing privilege is important, and getting people to understand that is important, but it is literally tearing the St. Paul school district a part of because people were just walking around feeling like they were racist, but were not engaged in any tangible way to begin to address the issues. Now, the people doing these trainings aren’t usually people of color, and whether or not people will admit it, the “big time” diversity trainer are almost always queer white women, and no one wants to have a discussion about how how conversations about other people are not the same as having conversations WITH those people. Anyway, this privilege movement, making sure every white person knew they were privileged has resulted in resentment toward people of color...because you know, that makes sense.

What is even more kind of...um...idiotic about all of it, is that we have one of the foremost scholars in the world related to culturally responsive education here at the University of Minnesota (another reason why respectability doesn’t work) a minoritized professor is a foremost scholar on something that could solve a massive problem...nah...we’ll just resent kids instead.

The long and short of it is, Social Justice folks need to begin to find a way to add some teeth and real scholarship and tangible outcomes to their trainings (I am speaking to this specific context), because it is literally resulting in fractured futures for children because white guilt is still more valuable to some than the lives and opportunities of our children...but hey...they can just chalk it up to their achievement gap and lack of role models, instead of seeing how white kids are not routinely subject to being held hostage in intellectual disputes about why teachers have to treat them like people.

I’m Getting a Ph.D.

So, that leads me into my dissertation topic...I’m thinking of looking at these sorts of rifts and to see if they exist in predominantly white communities. I am so intrigued now by the question as to whether white kid’s lives and educations are routinely caught in the middle of intellectual squabbling over their personhood.

I am going to pursue a Ph.D. in Executive Organizational Leadership, Development, and Policy.

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