#as far as im aware he is the only person house considers more insane than himself
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i hope that everyone remembers that house said multiple multiple times that he considers wilson more crazy than himself. that oncologist had mental issues science hasn’t discovered yet and i want to study him under a microscope
#rotating them in my mental microwave#as far as im aware he is the only person house considers more insane than himself#says a lot#house md#bay house posting#malpractice md#james wilson#gregory house
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So, I finally finished part 2 for the original ask. I’ve had a bit of trouble with writing the twins because I think this would affect them particularly bad. I hope you enjoy all this angst, cuz I sure as hell didn’t im fucking sobbing alright?
Pt. 1
Enjoy!
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The Brothers Reacting to MC sacrificing themselves to bring Lilith back, Part 2:
Satan:
-Satan felt like the stupidest demon in DevilDom. He was supposed to be the intellectual, the logical one, the one with more than a few spare brain cells to work with. And yet he never twigged there was anything going on with you. The signs were all there. You had asked him for very specific book recommendations for the past few weeks, about the Celestial Realm and the full power of souls. He even let you borrow some from his own collection without giving it a second thought!
-In hindsight, your goal was very obvious but at the time, he hadn’t even stopped for a second to consider it. It just didn’t seem like something you would be capable of doing. But you did. Of course you did. You were the most driven human he had even met. You managed to live for a full year with seven of the most dangerous demons in hell and make pacts with them no less, so anything is fair game when it comes to you.
-Lucifer and Lilith found him in the library, like usual, reading what seemed to be a very graphic book on different wars that took place in the human realm over the centuries. What can I say, the man wanted to know more human history for your sake. He was one of the few brothers who hadn’t even noticed you were missing and never thought anything was amiss. Sure, he missed your presence but the cynical fourth born isn’t exactly paranoid.
-Now, if it was Lucifer alone that had come to check up on him, Satan would have been very tempted to just ignore him. But obviously he noticed a slightly smaller, less threatening figure next to him and he forced himself to look up from his book. Lowkey hoping it was you because he often complained his brothers got to spend way too much time with you. Satan and Lilith technically never met, face to face. However, I like to think that since Satan was born out of Lucifer’s wrath, he has a small connection with his memories and therefore Lilith. After all, Satan was the only one that never participated in the war or actually fell down as angel.
-He never met her before. Yet he immediately recognised her as she came in. She had every trait you would expect an angel to have. Except she wasn’t an angel anymore of course. She was dead. Or at least supposed to be. Lucifer just stood in the doorway as she approached him. Lilith fidgeted in front of him as she tried to come up with the right words to introduce herself.
-“I’m really happy to actually-“
-She didn’t get to finish because Satan had embraced her almost immediately, almost like he was on auto mode and couldn’t help himself otherwise. She welcome the gesture, glad their first meeting wasn’t as awkward as she had predicted it would be. The eldest brother was watching, slightly in awe because, as far as he knew, the only person he had ever hugged before this was you.
-Of course, the spell had to be broken. Lucifer knew better than to step in and allowed his sister to explain. Satan was going to have a bad reaction nonetheless, but he might become even more aggressive if it was him delivering the news. Lilith never had to deal with this particular brother of hers or any of his fits but somehow, it was like she knew what to do.
- Their sister did her best to explain it to Satan as calmly as possible, as if that would make much of a difference. Satan remained oddly quiet throughout all of it, showing no reaction besides a neutral one. Lucifer found this strange. Yeah, his brother/son was usually the silent type, the sort of demon to think, not speak. But he expected some sort of emotion in there. Anything, really. Anger definitely. Maybe sorrow and misery. But not this.
-Lilith noticed the shaking before even Satan did. His body had just started convulsing on its own as he processed the idea of you laying there, unmoving and cold; dead. He involuntarily clenched his fists and he had to sit down before his legs gave over. Lucifer was still outright confused while Lilith struggled to soothe her brother. He hated feeling like this. All vulnerable and weak, like the skies of hell will fall on him and crush him. He was Satan for fuck’s sake. He was probably considered the most fearful creature in all of existence. He shouldn’t be feeling like this.
-But of course he did. You were always able to do that to him, bringing out that soft side of him he never knew he had. Or at least refused to acknowledge he had. The funny thing was, since you were the one being subjected to that side of his, he didn’t mind. Because you are MC, a literal ball of sunshine. Nothing him and his brothers deserved but you were still willing to spend time with them. The least they could have done was to protect you.
-They couldn’t even do that
-He couldn’t even do that
-Satan is even more retreated now than before, more hostile toward his own brothers and basically everyone else. He will snap at anyone for very minor reasons and lock himself up in the library even more than usual. Anything to get his mind off how much he must have disappointed you. It hurts too much to even hear your name being spoken. God forbid they choose another human to come down there as an exchange student because he will unleash all of his wrath on them on your behalf. How dare some lowly human try to replace you? He’s more prone to fits of anger now too. Long gone is his self control and calmness.
-The one person that understood him was dead. The one person he allowed himself to be close to and genuinely kind to was gone forever. Satan will never get over this. Or the fact that you were smiling so brightly before you died.
Asmo:
-He’s just so sick of it. So so so sick of it. So sick of watching everyone he cares about either die or get taken away from him. If he was a mortal he would have probably gone crazy. Maybe he already reached insanity and just didn’t realise it. After all, everyone has a breaking point, even demons. And once you go beyond that point, your whole world will shatter.
-To him, it seems almost impossible that just that morning he had seen you at breakfast, laughing along with his brothers and overall just being the intriguing, silly human you were. You were right there! Right in front of him, talking to him like it was any other day. And now he has to deal with the unbearable fact that he will never hear your voice again.
-Asmo was out, hanging out at the Fall as usual, when he realised he had missed several, frantic calls from Mammon, who at that point wasn’t aware that you were long dead.
-He brushed him off, initially, thinking his brother was just having another one of his melodramatic moments. So the fifth born went around Majolish, basically buying everything he could get his hands on to ignore the uneasiness creeping up on him. He could feel something bad was happening. He just didn’t know what.
-At this point, he was a bit unsettled which is very unlike him. He is pretty optimistic as a whole so seeing him so startled and on alert was a sort of disturbing sight to see. Lucifer called him after lunch and told him to come home. Normally, Asmo wouldn’t have taken his older brother’s words too seriously but hearing his strained voice on the other side of the phone forced him into action.
-He rushed home, faster then he had ever done before., because let’s be honest, he prefers being outside of the house more often than not. He searched for you everywhere, but you were nowhere to be found. However, he bumped into Lucifer and Lilith in the middle of the upstair’s corridor in his frantic search for you.
-Unlike his brothers, Asmo noticed Lilith immediately, way before he even acknowledged his brother. It was such a shock to him that he thought for sure that he was hallucinating, though things like that never happened to him beforehand. Asmo stopped breathing for what felt like centuries because he didn’t want to raise his expectations, he didn’t to be disappointed if Lilith truly wasn’t there and he was just making her up. He didn’t want to deal with the grief once again.
-However, Lilith remained exactly where she was and flashed him one of her brilliant, warm smiles that he had loved so much back in the Celestial Realm. That he, on more than one occasion, tried to copy because he wanted to have as much in common with Lilith as possible. He wasn’t imagining her and the moment he realised this, he threw himself at her, the worry of his hair being ruined long forgotten and now his only concern was that she would dissipate in thin air.
-Lilith did not yield and embraced her brother, she gave enough hugs today to last her a lifetime but she couldn’t be happier to see her beloved brothers again. It took every ounce of strength on Lilith’a part not to burst into tears from both joy and sorrow.
-Lucifer hated this. He hated having to cut in the happy moment and lay down the bad news. But he had do it. Because no one else would. He was the eldest. He was responsible for everyone. A sadist he may very well be, but it absolutely destroys him to see his brothers suffering from such extreme distress. He told Asmo everything as bluntly as he could, thinking that ripping the bandaid straight off would result in a better outcome.
-It did not.
-Mammon’s reaction to your death was expected, but Asmo’s took both Lilith and Lucifer by surprise. They didn’t expect him to be as emotional as he ended up being and both of them handled it awkwardly because the Avatar of Lust was usually such a confident and admirable creature, it felt weird to see him act in such a way. He fell to his knees in a moment of pure despair and cried enough tears to drown himself in them later. He sobbed for a long time and did not stop immediately, instead going through several stages of weeping, from hiccuping to panting and then back to crying. It was an endless cycle of sadness.
-Lilith half carried half dragged him to his bedroom, while her other brother watched, a bit mesmerised. Asmo usually loved having company and now that his sister was back, he 100% needed it but at the same time, he wished to remain alone for a while. It would be painful but he needed to gather his feelings in one place before he could even put together a conclusion on how he was feeling. So they both left and with the door closed, all the air seemed to suffocate him and drag him into endless despair.
-Asmo received a lot of damage from your death, changing his personality very abruptly. Compared to his brothers, his change in attitude is not so subtle and now he basically hates anything that reminds him of you. He no longer enjoys hanging out or clubbing at the Fall or even go shopping anymore unless it’s necessary because those were things he used to do with you! And now, they seemed so pointless he often wondered what was the point of actually doing it. The only sort of satisfaction he gets is being in your room because if he closes his eyes, just for a moment, he can pretend you’re still there with him, whispering words of comfort to him.
-Yes, he still has one night stands and tries to seduce people left and right but it’s a sort of distraction more than anything else. He doesn’t do it out of need anymore, but out of desperation to get you out of his head. He’s also been sneaking to the Human Realm a lot as of late, as if hoping to randomly bump into you up even though it’s not possible and he knows it. He’s just torturing himself further. Hopeless. Just hopeless.
-You made him feel so much more than just Lust. And now that he had you, even if it was for just a short amount of time, Asmo knew he would never feel that way to anyone ever again. He would never fall in love with anyone ever again.
-He knew the risks of getting attached to a human. He knew how much he would suffer in the end. After all, humans are mortals, they are not destined to live for long. And yet he went and did it anyway because you were too amazing to ignore. You gave him something he never realised he yearned for and you left before he could reciprocate.
The Twins:
-Neither Lilith nor Lucifer was surprised to find the two of them together, relaxing in the attic. It’s common knowledge at this point that the twins have a hard time being separated. And especially more so than before after the whole attic incident, which concluded with them refusing to leave each other’s side. Usually, you were with them too, of course, for good measure. Obviously, they weren’t able to find you anywhere like everyone else. Belphie got tired of searching and just suggested that they go upstairs and that eventually you’ll joking them.
-Lucifer was, understandably, extremely worried at how the twins would react to all of this. Just seeing their adored sister in the same room as them would be more than enough to cause them to malfunction. But if he let them know that you died mere hours ago? And for smuggling Lilith’s soul back into existence no less? It would be chaos. At least with his other brothers, their reactions he could more or less predict. But the twins were slightly different. Especially Belphie. You can never really tell what goes on inside his head.
-Beel noticed his sister before Belphie did. He was so taken aback, he tumbled backwards and off the bed, accidentally dragging his twin with him. It was quite a comical fall actually. Lilith would’ve laughed if it wasn’t for the circumstances. She missed them, of course. Truth is, she missed all of her brothers and their memories back in the Celestial Realm. It always hurt so much to think that she could see them but never really interact with any of them. Except through you since you were heir in a way.
-Beel was a mess, first of all. You can easily imagine the distress he was in at the sight of his little sister. His dead little sister. Dead because of him. It might’ve been centuries since Lilith fell from the heavens and got transformed into a human but he continued to carry that burden with him because how could he not? He should’ve been able to save both Lilith and Belphie even though, logistically speaking, it would’ve been impossible. He saw the despair in her eyes right before she disappeared below the clouds. That image had and will haunt him for the rest of his eternal days.
-He was on his knees before her in a split second, grabbing the hems of her sleeves and sobbing into them as if the whole of DevilDom was about to crash down on all of them. Beel was yelling incoherently, switching between begging for forgiveness and stuttering mid sentence, unable to get the rights words out. The whole mansion was filled with his distraught weeping and he just couldn’t stop.
-His sister knelt down and embraced him, almost awkwardly because of the position they were in, as she began crying as well. Out of exhaustion more than anything. She’s dealt with so many breakdowns in one day that she couldn’t handle holding her emotions in anymore. With the death of her descendant and the sorrow of her brothers, she wished from the bottom of her heart she had just stayed dead because everything would have turned out alright that way.
-Belphie was more cautious. He stood at the back of the room, watching as his sister hugged Beel and sort of held him in a way that would quieten him down. Careful. He casted Lucifer a glance, as if to ask “what the hell is going on?” before once again staring at the ridiculous sight before him. Usually, he wasn’t one to look to his eldest brother for help. There was some dangerous hatred he harboured for him deep in his heart after all. But he was so confused and conflicted, he couldn’t fight the urge to seek guidance from him.
-Lucifer didn’t know how long it had been since he last saw his youngest brother be that openly vulnerable. It felt like an eternity now, to be honest. He was like a rock hard, clamped sea shell since their fall as angels. He walked over to him and placed his hand on Belphie’s shoulder. For the first time in millenniums, his brother didn’t try to swat it away.
-“Lilith is back.”
-That was all he needed. Those three words. As soon as Lucifer finished his sentence, he ran straight into his siblings who were still crying on the floor. He almost bulldozed them over if it wasn’t for Beel’s strength. The youngest landed on top of them, almost starting to cry as well. Beel, seemingly tired himself out so much that he went a bit limp in Lilith’s arms, still gripping onto her for dear life as if she were on the verge of disappearing again.
-“MC is dead.”
-It was a horribly timed moment to drop that bomb in, to be fair. Lucifer tried saying it as casually as he could but he could hear his own voice crack and see his own hands tremble. His mind was focused but his body had betrayed him. The twins were so into the moment, so glad to see their sister after all this time, it was almost like they didn’t hear him. So he repeated the statement, this time in a more composed manner. Belphie immediately reacted. He got off his siblings and straightened his back, glaring at Lucifer in shock from the other side of the room. Beel stayed where he was, but craned his neck to gawk at Lucifer, who was standing solemnly, waiting for the predicted chaos. Lilith closed her eyes and winced.
-Beel was in outright denial which was surprising. He wouldn’t, or rather refused, to accept that you could be dead. I mean, the idea itself was propestrous, right? You’ve almost died once and you managed to outdo death. Or more accurately, your future self did. You could do it again, couldn’t you? Just the image of you laying dead somewhere was enough to send him in panic and another, this time almost silent, meltdown. He seized fistfuls of his hair and pulled, as a method of escaping the pain that came with the thoughts of you and death being correlated in any way. If Lilith’s death wasn’t enough to push him over the edge, this sure as hell was. Could demons go insane? Probably. Beel certainly felt like he was. Even with Lilith there comforting him, he had the impression he couldn’t stand or even look up from the floor.
-Belphie didn’t make a move to aid his brother or help his sister. He stood, teeth gritted and jaw clenched, staring at his oldest brother with an odd gleam in his eyes. For a few moments, he was motionless. Then, he turned on his heel and marched out of the attic, slamming the door behind him so hard that the whole room shook. Lucifer didn’t try to stop him. It would be meaningless anyway. He wouldn’t listen to him. And his sister was still occupied with Beel, who kept mumbling with tears trailing down his cheeks about everything being his fault and not being there when he should have.
-The twins did not even go through the same stages of mourning their brothers did. Beel was dealing with the grief of someone incredibly close to him by eating even more than he normally would, causing his siblings quite a bit of concern. But they couldn’t argue much. He was the epitome of gluttony in the end. Belphie didn’t change much in terms of his daily activities. He slept as much as he could during the day. And at night, he stargazed as he always did. But more bitterly than usual, despising the fact that he wasn’t going to enjoy another starry night with you ever again. He didn’t blame you for dying. He was angry you left and to do something so stupid as bringing Lilith back in return for your lost soul. He was angry you couldn’t be selfish for once and let yourself be happy with them.
-He was angry at Mammon too. He learned he was supposed to be with you earlier that day. He wasn’t. And now the two aren’t speaking. For some reason, he is slightly upset with Lucifer too but that is only because he was the one who delivered the sad news. But most of all, he was very furious with himself. Because he promised that he would never let anything happen to you again after the whole choking incident. He swore on his honour as a demon to protect you and he couldn’t.
-Don’t tell him they’re bringing another exchange student in. He will kill them. He 100% will kill them. He doesn’t want to replace you. And neither does Beel. He would probably eat the new student within a few minutes. But it would take a while until all of that is sorted out. After all, even Diavolo himself is bound to be mourning in his own way. Not like you were meant to know, but you were definitely the favourite child exchange student.
-It wasn’t fair you had to leave. It wasn’t fair that you didn’t even get to say goodbye. It wasn’t fair that the three of you couldn’t spend more time together. Beel won’t be able to ever taste your cooking again and Belphie won’t have anyone to cuddle with in the morning and be generally lazy with. And again, they had even more of a reason to curse their father for ruining the one good thing that’s happened to them since their glory days as angels.
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-The 7 brothers will continue to grieve your death for the rest of eternity, be assured. Their sister just as much of course. And at some point, the whole of DevilDom had to in a way as the prince himself wasn’t his usual, peppy self. At least Lilith’s presence had a calming effect on them but not one that could compare to the trauma of knowing you were truly gone. They would wait and with time, there will be healing.
-Except time doesn’t heal anyone’s wounds. It just teaches them how to deal with the pain.
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This took so much longer than planned, Jesus Christ! I guess I was really unhappy with it at some point and gave up, then sort of rewrote it which took a while. And now it’s done! I’m sort of proud on how it turned out. A bit cliche but I feel like it created the right atmosphere. Also, the last quote above is a favourite of mine that I thought would be a good idea to add in.
The twins are joined because I thought it would not only save time but also make more sense since the two are together almost all the time. Hope no one is upset I didn’t do the twins separately, it would’ve taken even longer then!
To add, 1,080 followers???? Wtf, I haven’t even posted anything in a while, thank you so much! You’re all too nice istg.
@doggonudez asked me to tag them in this post, so I hope this actually works lmao.
Al~
#obey me#obey me asmodeus#obey me beelzebub#obey me belphegor#obey me imagines#angst#death#🔥 own posts#🌪 angst#📚 Satan supremacy#🪞Asmo supremacy#🍔 Beel supremacy#💫 Belphie supremacy
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Comparing RWBY and YGO DM: The Handling and Evolution of Themes
Hey! Its been a hot minute since I last posted anything RWBY-related but Im laying in my bed right now and Im sick and bored so I guess we're doing this. Today I will do my best to analyze what I percieve to be the main themes and messages of both of these shows, or more specifically, how theyre handled narratively. Im mostly focusing on that part because, while these series do have similar themes and messaging, they are still a few things in which they are wildly different. And with that, lets start with this essay-post-thing!
1. Theres something we need to adress first
Okay so, before we can really talk about this, theres something I feel the need to clarify here: Neither of these stories was "planned from the beginning".
Now, I dont think a story being planned from the beginning or not nesscessarily makes the story any better or worse by default, however, it is still important to acknowledge because the way the story is planned is going to affect every facet of it. Things are not going to be foreshadowed properly, things are gonna be set up only for nothing to come of it, the story might drastically change directions, characters might act differently, etc, etc.
And, this is bit off-topic but, it's much better to just admit that the story was not planned than trying to pretend that it was. Like, there are a lot of reasons why I tend to be so forgiving towards YGO even though its not very good, but one of them is definitely the fact that, as far as Im aware atleast, the guy who wrote it isnt pretending to have had this big master plan all along and neither is the fandom. With RWBY on the other hand... yeaaaah, its kinda the opposite. From what Ive seen of RWBYs fandom, there seems to be this pretty popular narrative that everything was planned even though it clearly wasnt. Thats pretty bad and honestly lowers my opinion of the writers so much more than if they would just admit to not having a proper plan.
Like, I initially consumed YGO like this: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh (aka Season 0), like, a quarter of the Yu-Gi-Oh manga (I still havent finished it)
In all three of these we have the character of Yami Yuugi, or just Yami. Broadly speaking, he is an ancient egyptian gamer spirit who lives in a magical puzzle that has not been solved for 3000 years until this highschooler named Yuugi Mutou comes along and solves it, thus setting him free and allowing him to possess Yuugi and have access to the vague magical powers of the puzzle.
In Duel Monsters he's perfectly fine most of time, morally speaking. There is an instance of him almost murdering a guy and its a bit unclear what exactly happens to those he mindcrushes but overall he's very much a pretty good guy. In Season 0 most of what he does is set up these games for bad people, where they will go insane no matter what they do. From how I understand this whole Shadow Game, Penalty Game stuff, if you lose a Shadow Game, you get violent and intense hallucinations and you will always cuz yknow, gamer spirit. But if you try to cheat, which most of the bad people do in this show, you get violent and intense hallucinations as a punishment.
Since the two anime are generally considered two different continuities, its perfectly fine that Yamis characterization is wildly different in both of them. But in the manga both of these characterizations appear, basically one after the other with no real arc or consequences, for that matter. Why is that? Simply put, someone thought it was a good idea to try to turn an episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror manga into a more traditional, more plot-driven battle shounen. From what Ive heard, it was apparently largely because of network interference or something, but the point is, it changed directions incredibly drastically with little planning and everyone knows this and I can understand that for the most part.
In RWBY we have the character of Blake Belladonna, who, in the first 3 volumes/seasons atleast, was this aloof, more toned down loner-type character with a pretty strong sense of justice. She's an in-universe marginilized racial minority and she clearly cares about racial injustice. The way its initially framed makes it seem like she had a very hard life and no stable support system, which is what eventually pushed her to join a Civil Rights group/Terrorist organization (good god, the Faunus subplot is so awful, I could write a whole essay about it but Im already de-railing rn so I'll just save that for later).
Then, in volumes 4-5 it turns out her father is actually like, the mayor or chief of this island-place called Menagerie and she grew up in this big mansion with multiple guards/servants. Oh and also, apparently "space is a commodity" on there, so theres that. She still retains large parts of her personality but she's kinda like, worse somehow I think. I cant really describe it in a meaningful way but I hope you get what Im saying anyway. Then in Volume 6 she confronted her emotional abuser Adam (sorry for not mentioning him sooner but yeah, he was like, her abusive boyfriend, which is something that a lot of people disagree with but I wont really say anything about it either way because I dont really feel any specific way) with her friend, Yang, and ended up killing him.
After all that, she pretty much lost the rest of her personality, as well as her arc about all the Faunus stuff. She just kinda became the meek, generically nice, recovering abuse victim. Why? Well, the actual reason is that they didnt plan out shit and are just kinda flying by the seat of their oversized clown-pants and if they and the fandom just admitted it, I would have less of an issue. I still wouldnt be as forgiving towards RWBY as I am towards YGO because the crux of the issue, for me, is just that I dont particulary like RWBY but also like. Do you really expect me to take MKEK seriously as writers after admitting to not have a timeline because iT wOuLd CaUsE pLoThOlEs?
However, since they want us to believe that everything was planned out from the beginning, the explaination would be.... Idk, they deliberately butchered one of their main characters?? Because.. they hate her?? Maybe????
So yeah, that was quite a detour however, I would like you to keep this mind going forward.
2. Themes of the Early Series'
First, what do mean by 'Early Series' for both of these shows respectively? Well, for YGO that would have to be Season 0 or if youre reading the manga, everything pre-Duelist Kingdom. Basically, the part of the series thats a episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror series.
For RWBY that would be the first three Volumes, also known as the Poser-Era. Back then it was just kinda an action series that took place at Anime Warrior Academy (also known as Beacon) with some pretty bare minimum worldbuilding, character-driven plots and developments but now its more of an epic high-fantasy story with more of an emphasis on plot as opposed to just action.
The themes and messages in Early YGO are kinda vague, very confusing to me and if you were to follow any of it literally that would be pretty bad. For now Im just gonna say the main themes are Friendship and Identity and mostly focus on the Identity aspect.
Now, it took me a little while to figure out RWBYs deal but I think the main themes for Volumes 1-3 are also Friendship and Heroism. Once again, I'll mostly focus on Heroism and touch on Friendship more briefly later.
I dont have much more to add to YGOs themes right now, so I'll briefly go over Heroism in RWBY.
In RWBYs setting there are these man-eating monsters called Grimm that have basically infected the planet. In order to deal with that, they have people called huntsmen and huntresses that kill them and protect people. Theyre trained at special academies like Beacon and go on missions there and stuff like that. Our four main characters, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are training to become huntresses and one day they go on this mission to clean up a grimm infested city block with one of their teachers. Obviously, that takes a long time so they have to camp out in one of the empty houses. Weiss, Blake and Yang cant sleep because theyve been thinking about this question that their teacher asked them when they were fighting grimm: "Why do you want to become a huntress?"
They have a heart to heart and we find out about their motivations; Weiss wants to bring honour back to her family, Blake want to distance herself from the White Fang (that terrorist organization I mentioned earlier) and as an extension from Adam, Yang wants to have a life of adventure. They also talk about why Ruby wants to be a huntress and it turns out that she judt wants to help people. Unlike the others, she has no motivation besides that. We're meant to listen to that and look at her as a sort-of personification of Heroism: kind, but not naive, strong and most of all, selfless. The others on her team are not portayed as bad for not being like Ruby by any means but we are clearly meant to admire her the most out of all of them.
Okay, now comes the part Ive been looking forward to the most:
3. How did these themes evolve in the Modern Series'?
Alright, before we can really delve into the way they evolved in YGO I'll have to give you a brief summary of the character progression. At the start of DM, during the Duelist Kingdom arc, Yami Yuugi is just that; A darker Yuugi. Hes more confident, bolder, his voice is deeper, hes somehow taller, more ruthless, all that good stuff. Notably, he doesnt actually seem more skilled than Yuugi even at the start of this story, but he's still dependent on Yami. Yami on the other hand, has no identity of his own or even hints at one at this point. He's just The Other Yuugi.
Then during the Battle City arc, they find out that Yami was actually a pharao prior to being sealed in the puzzle, he just didnt know because of amnesia, I guess. So now they need to find out his real name and then send him to the afterlife because hes meant to be dead, but not before saving the world from being swallowed by darkness, which is also a thing they have to do now.
Then we finally get to the Memory World arc, where Yami, Yuugi and the rest of the gang astralproject to ancient egypt via puzzle magic. Yami is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who all these familiar people are, while Yuugi & Co are trying their best to help him. Then some weird shit happens and it turns out that all of that is not just Yamis sealed away memories, but also a giant D&D Shadow Game that will destroy the world if Yami loses. So now theres Pharao!Yami who is still clueless on the metaphorical and literal playing field and Player!Yami, who is kinda controlling himself now? I guess?? Yamis opponent, The Spirit of The Ring, has something similar to that going on where hes both controlling and properly participating in the game. So Player!Yami is now fighting against Player!TSoTR, Pharao!Yami is now fighting against Thief King Bakura (who is like, the human, ancient egyptian version of the Ring Spirit) and Yuugi is now fighting against Yami Bakura (who is like, the human, modern japanese version of the Ring Spirit). Yuugi gets Yamis real name, he and the gang go over to Pharao!Yami and tell him his name, meanwhile Player!Yami is also somehow helping as well and they defeat the Ring Spirit, thus saving the world. Then they travel to modern Egypt, the Ceremonial Duel happens and Yuugi wins, sending Yami to the Afterlife where he can finally rest and that was the series!
I originally wanted to recount the stuff that was going on with the Ring Spirit and his host as well because they parallel eachother, but this summary is already far too long and I think youll get the point without me needing to explain any more.
My point here is, that the story went from being vaguely about Identity, maybe? to being very clearly about Self-Discovery and Learning to Be Independent. I think this is a very good way to evolve the messaging of your story. How does RWBY track on that?
Well, uh... its not great. I will acknowledge that they have tried to introduce new themes and ideas since, even though I wont really be talking about them in this post. But yeah, the whole Heroism thing really regressed.
Like, I didnt explicitly say it when I was explaining grimm earlier, but theyre not going away. The grimm have always been there and people who sign up to become huntsmen and huntresses are effectively signing up for a job that will never truly be done, no matter what they do. Characters like Ruby and even more minor ones like Phyrrah have shown us that that doesnt matter when youre a hero. No life isnt worth saving, no grimm isnt worth killing, no criminal isnt worth arresting. Then, in volume 6 they find out about Salem. Salem is the Big Bad of the show, shes immortal, controls the grimm and is supposed to be very powerful.
What do our heroes do? They give up. Sike! They were just mindcontrolled by monsters or some shit, of course they didnt give up their mission (which is to bring an Important Macguffin to a city called Atlas, sorry I didnt mention it)!
But then they arrive in Atlas (which is llike, a city thats floating over another city called Mantle) and yknow, they do some plot stuff thats not really important right now until the city gets invaded by Salem and this big grimm army she has.
What do our heroes do? Well, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and some side characters are chilling, drinking tea in a mansion and Yang and the B Team were actually trying to do something, but even those efforts seem incredibly minimal.
Oh wait, I also forgot to mention that Ironwood (a fairly minor, vaguely antagonistic character up until now) wanted to lift Atlas even higher to save Atleasian civilians from danger while leaving Mantle vulnerable to Salems invasion.
What would be the most heroic thing to do?
A) Let Ironwood lift Atlas, get as much support as they can down to Mantle and save as many Mantle civilians as they can from the invasion
B) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas but then split up in order to protect both Atlas and Mantle civilians
C) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas and then dont do anything else
Congrats! If you choose C, you think exactly like the writers!
And I just
This is so mindboggling to me, I feel like I shouldnt even have explain how this is bad. And like, it wouldve been so easy to actually make them seem herokc through their actions, to make it seem like they did try but no.
I have never seen a central theme be this botched, how in the world did they do that? Why did they think it was a good idea for Ruby "The Embodiment of Heroism" Rose to sit in a mansion doing nothing, no planning, no organizing just ..... God, how are they this bad? Like, this doesnt even have anything to do with it being planned in any way, this is just straight up incompetence
4. Very briefly touching on friendship
The friendship is awful and its not solely because they all have the same opinions. They barely interact with eachother outside their designated pairs which leads to it all feeling incredibly hollow. Theyre also practically indistingushable from one another now, which is a shame because it wasnt always like that. Like, I dont think the characters were that well-developed in earlier volumes but they were very well-characterized. But now we've gotten to a point where you can literally copy and paste one characters dialogue onto another and literally nothing changes, it really sucks.
5. Some closing words
Damn, this took way longer than I thought it would and now Im pretty exhausted. I have no idea how yall always write these but props to you! I feel like this ended up a bit rambly but overall, Im pretty proud.
Please let me know what you think of the points I brought up! Id also really appreciate some tips on how to get better at these longer posts because I am planning on writing more in the future (not the near future, probably but yknow).
Thats all I have to say for now, thanks for reading!
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otp tag.
tagged by @solasan, thank u!!!!!
tagging: @ritualism and @editoress i think all my other Wayhaven ppl have been @’d already
PENNY AND FELIX EDITION
DISAGREEMENTS.
who is more likely to raise their voice?
i neither! penny if i had to choose, but shes usually p good at keeping cool. and felix doesn’t seem like a shouty person anyways.
who threatens to leave but never actually does?
N/A
who actually keeps their word and leaves?
N/A
who trashes the house?
N/A
do either of them get physical?
N/A
how often do they argue/disagree?
i think their first disagreement is in book 2 when Felix got hurt during Sanja’s rescue. Penny feels super guilty about it and is worried Felix is brushing it off when he has a right to be upset. She’s kinda haunted by that whole situation and the choice she had to make. Other than that, they definitely never really argue. At most in the beginning Penny was just kind of oblivious/flippant because she’s socially awkward lol
who is the first to apologize?
both lmao
SEX.
who is on top? who is on bottom?
Felix is a little top you cant convince me otherwise
any kinks?
not really
who has the strangest desires?
i think they’re mostly just cute in bed without anythnig crazy going on
who’s dominant in bed?
FELIX!! in the cute ‘i got this’ kind of way. Penny’s shy so definitely not her.
is head ever in the equation?
duh
if so, who is better at performing it?
felix has the charisma but i think penny has the technique
ever had sex in public?
they did almost fuck in nate’s library
who moans the most?
Penny! Felix thinks its cute
who leaves the most marks?
FELIX LOVES HICKIES. hes sad that they don’t last super long on him, but she tries anyway.
who is the more experienced of the two?
I think they’re pretty even actually
do they ‘fuck’ or ‘make love’?
latter
how long do they usually last?
im sure it varies
rough or soft?
soft!!
is protection used?
YES. penny is ON that shit. Though she wouldn’t be against having kids one day.
does it ever get boring?
nah they’re too cute and in gross cuddly love. Does felix look like he’d EVER get bored of the detective
where is the strangest place they’d have sex?
it didnt happen but again, nates library. Penny was secretly kinda into it
FAMILY.
do they plan on having children / do they have children?
I don’t think either are seriously considering it for a while but Penny is a good 50/50 on it!
if so, how many children do they want/have?
just one, maybe two.
AFFECTION.
who likes to cuddle?
Felix! Penny’s a little more standoffish in general with physical affection, but she does love cuddling Felix. If he wants to cuddle she’s p much always down for it.
who gets naughty in the most inappropriate of places?
Felix. Have you heard what that boy says
who struggles to keep their hands to themself?
Felix! Though only in private. He know’s Penny’s shy and its cute to do it when shes working or something. He likes playfully distracting her.
how long can they cuddle until one becomes uncomfortable?
Probably for a good while, though Penny has a tendency to get antsy. Usually it just means her getting up and him happily following after her though
what is their favourite non-sexual activity?
video games! She showed him Animal Crossing and it was over
where is their favourite place to cuddle?
on the couch!
SLEEPING.
who snores?
Penny...
if both do, who snores the loudest?
Not loudly , but again penny.
do they share a bed or sleep separately?
they share a bed!
if they sleep together, do they cozy up together or lay far apart?
depends!
what do they wear to bed?
Penny wears pj shorts and a cotton shirt, pretty simple. Felix is probs similar
are either of them insomniacs?
Penny DEFINITELY is. Thankfully Felix doesn’t sleep a lot so she’s rarely disturbing him!
can sleeping pills be found by the bedside?
YEP. Especially after book 1, she started having nightmares.
do they wrap their limbs around each other or just lay side by side?
Felix is a koala.
who wakes up with bed hair?
Penny. Felix somehow always looks fucking perfect and she’d be jealous if she didn’t think it was so charming.
who wakes up first?
Penny. Even if Felix is just lazing about, she’s one of those responsible people or something.
who prepares breakfast in bed for the other?
Felix tried. keyword being tried.
what is their favourite sleeping position?
Penny sleeps on her side and Felix clambers around either with one leg over her or spooning her usually.
do they set an alarm each night?
Penny does!
who has nightmares?
Both :(. Hard to tell with Felix how often for him
can a television be found in their bedroom?
Penny doesn’t have a TV
who has ridiculous dreams?
Felix for sure. Sometimes involving stuff pertaining to the Echo World and Penny is like ??? and he doesn’t know how to explain it.
who sprawls out and takes up most of the bed?
Felix
who makes the bed?
Felix, because he insists. Penny goes back and straightens it out
what time is bed time?
bed by 1
any routines/rituals before bed?
felix insists on brushing their teeth together bc he thinks its cute (penny does too). its how she first actually got a glimpse of his fangs
who’s the grumpiest when they wake up?
neither! though felix DOES complain.
WORK.
who is the busiest?
penny. felix is busy keeping himself from dying of boredom
who rakes in the highest income?
n/a
are any of them unemployed?
n/a
who takes the most sick days?
Penny, though very rarely. She usually saves them for days where she wants to work from home because the office got too overwhelming.
what are their jobs?
Vampire Agent vs Police Detective
who sucks up to their boss?
Felix tries to charm Rebecca. Rebecca just sighs.
who is more likely to turn up late to work?
Felix. Got distracted
who stresses the most?
PENNY. though she usually takes things in stride, she’s a little up tight.
do they enjoy or despise their careers/occupations?
Penny is fine with being a detective and doubly fine with being an agent.
are they financially stable?
yeah!
HOME.
who does the washing?
Penny. We know what Felix’s stance is on laundry considering he hides his socks in Mason’s hamper.
who takes out the trash?
Felix , and he acts like a hero
who does the ironing?
Penny! She wears nice clothes that definitely would require ironing.
who does the cooking?
Penny is a serviceable cook, though she tends to cook the same things. And sometimes still eats like a (healthier) college student because she doesn’t have the energy. Felix LOVES using it as an excuse to order food.
who is more likely to burn the house down just trying?
Felix.
who is messier?
Felix. More just disorganized
who leaves their dirty clothes on the floor?
Felix. Again, boy clearly hates laundry
who loses the car keys when it comes time to go somewhere?
Neither. Unless Felix yoinked the keys - then they could be anywhere.
who answers the telephone?
FELIX. First ring, always.
who mows the lawn?
city slickers for life so neither
who does the vacuuming?
both. felix likes doing it and danciing
who does the groceries?
Penny because felix will bring back a bunch of things they didnt need
who takes the longest to shower?
Penny. She uses so much water
who spends the most time in the bathroom?
neither!
MISCELLANEOUS.
is money a problem?
nah theyre secret agents
how many cars do they own?
just penny’s little clunker
what’s their song?
waterfalls coming out your mouth // violet hour (especially this one) // sugar
do they live in the city or in the country?
small town
do they own their home or do they rent?
penny’s renting but wouldn’t be against owning a little flat somewhere
do they enjoy their surroundings?
wayhaven is home and comfortable for penny! she was actually falling out of love for it before she got promoted, now she feels protective over it and the supernaturals shes now aware live there.
what do they do when they’re away from each other?
felix goes insane waiting until they can meet up again. penny is often thinking abt him but is eager to get work done so she can do it even sooner
where did they first meet?
abandoned warehouse in book one - though the first meeting SHE remembers is him kissing her on the hand... romance...
who spends the most money when out shopping?
i feel they both are pretty similar! Theyre Fashionable, though Pennys really good at budgeting.
who’s more likely to flash their assets?
listen it doesnt happen in canon but if you do the combat training route with felix he fucking puts your hands up his shirt
any mental issues?
penny has anxiety and has been diagnosed as autistic since she was, like, 12. felix clearly has some shit he’s not letting himself fully mourn but OKAY BUDDY
who finds it amusing when the other trips over?
penny laughs when felix trips just because he’s like a beautiful ragdoll and always ‘saves’ himself in really funny ways. felix is such a prince charming i think he’d see her tripping more as an excuse to be dashing and handsome at her and save her from face planting than laugh.
who’s terrified of bugs?
penny definitely isn’t. could see felix losing his shit over a spider.
who kills the spiders around the house?
PENNY. doesn’t kill them though.
do they have any fears for their future?
Penny’s worried that loved ones might get put into danger due to ... everything. Verda found out about vampires and wasn’t hyped, so she’s worried about their friendship and his saftey most of all. She’s also worried about making ‘tough’ choices like the one at the end of book 2. It’s not a pleasant dilemma.
their favourite place?
Penny’s apartment!
who’s more likely to surprise the other with a fancy dinner?
felix FOR SURE
who pays the bills?
both, but penny set it all up on autopay bc felix would forget.
who’s the tallest?
Felix! He’s like what, 5′7-5′9? penny’s 5′3.
who’s more likely to just randomly hop into the shower with the other?
Both! Penny’s shy when doing it but she loves felix’s reaction because he’s always super excited.
who wanders around in their underwear?
neither
who sings the loudest when singing along to the radio?
felix. duh
what do they tease each other about?
everything! penny teases felix over how energetic and goofy and ~suave~ he is. He teases penny over being bashful - but she actually teases him more! He teases her over ROMANTIC stuff.
who is more likely to cringe at the other’s fashion sense at times?
Penny. The waistcoat, Felix. Why. No
who crushed first?
FELIX DIDDDDDDD. Penny got flustered but is very :/ at relationships bc she struggles socially and the only serious relationship she had prior was fucking BOBBY. So she straight up doesn’t trust that felix is being genuine at first. Also she’s a lil bit oblivious.
any alcohol or substance related problems?
nope!
who is more likely to stumble home, drunk, at 3am?
neither
who swears the most?
probably felix, though I don’t think he swears a lot either?
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Episode 165
Honorable mentions:
Not @ how sera literally did not react to arlo saying that he had her suspended?
I know that the last time people were saying the word oof was like 2018 but I literally can’t stop i swear it only comes out when im typing.
Is seraphina aware that cecile is currently working with John? Is anyone other than the superhero posse??
I love cecile and i know i keep saying this but for some reason whenever i see her in scenes, i still feel like i miss her even during the scene like? I don’t know what’s missing from her appearances, but i feel like i haven’t read cecile since before the hiatus and it’s messing with me
I WANT CECILE TO FINESSE THE SHIT OUT OF JOHN NOW THAT SHE’S IN ARLO’S OLD POSITION. ARLO JUST CREATED THIS BIG CONFLICT (? wording, but i mean how he ended things with john (doesn’t sound like what i'm describing)), BUT I NEED SOMEONE TO PLAY MIND TRICKS ON JOHN PLEASE
The caps are immature i realize they lower my respectability and i’ll reflect on that. Lots of self-reflection today hm
I “talk” too much in these. Like. Notes from me, the author. I don’t like especially how much i did it in this weeks thing but we always have episode 166 so
Started this like an hour after episode 166 came out so you know im hating myself rn
But it’s here so yay
Arlo and Sera’s conversation:
We’ve given up on names so here we are. Also, this isn’t going to be all that thorough or structured if that makes sense. I have sparse thoughts on this conversation other than ohmygod i love that this is happening. So this is probably going to be like slightly more than honorable mentions: arlo/sera edition.
First off, the things that surprised Sera about John, or just the whole situation, surprised me. She, overall, seemed genuinely surprised about his power and some things he hid about his past. And, I mean, I get that, but she seemed almost as concerned at the fact that John wasn’t homeschooled than when she learned that he was powerful enough to be the king at his old school (grammer?). I don’t know. I’m bad at explaining. Thinking too, thinking is hard. Anyway, I noticed that she questioned the most about how bad/powerful could john really be and stuff like that. Example: “Why do you and Elaine both talk about him as if he’s some kind of monster? Was your experience with him really that terrible?” Sera had a difficult time grasping just how powerful John was. This surprised me for a bunch of reasons. 1. He’s literally? Joker? Everyone is afraid to death of him, there’s a reason why. 2. Sera literally saw John single-handedly defeat all of the royals???? Including Arlo? Arlo’s ability is a 6.5. That’s already incredible, but the fact that John managed to defeat both him and the other royals? You can’t do that unless you are insanely powerful. 3. How are you surprised that John was the king at his old school he literally dethroned a prestigious school’s (wellston’s) king and you don’t think he was the most powerful at New Bostin?
More on Sera being surprised about John’s past: Even Arlo was surprised that Sera was shocked. John had literally lied about having an ability to Sera, and a homeschooled background helped his story loads, what with how positive he always was at school and how he never seemed to let the hierarchy intimidate him because he hadn’t been indoctrinated or whatever. I don’t really know. Anyway, especially with the way that John has been lying to Sera big time for the whole time they’ve known each other, you wouldn’t think that she would be so surprised by this. I know that this whole thing isn’t that important, it just stood out to me though.
Something I’m also really confused over is the fact that Seraphina displayed literally no signs of shock after learning that John got 1. Expelled from his old school by 2. Beating up his whole grade. ????. All we get from Sera is a, “expelled…?” brutalized his classmates?” Like??? You got so worked up over the fact that he was king, but this doesn’t phase you?
Sorry this just became me ranting about Sera and her brain because it confuses me im sorry oof.
Something else that’s not in regard to Sera and her reactions is how Arlo describes John’s attitude towards Seraphina. I’ll admit, as he started talking about how John ordered him around and told him to look after Seraphina, I was a bit surprised by just how obsessed John seemed with Sera, though I obviously already knew everything. Having Arlo lay it all out for me was enlightening, Okay? John gives off major, and I had to google this word so pay attention, yandere vibes. I have no clue how thats different from like tsundere (? spelling?) or any of the others, but I looked at the definition and it fit what I was thinking of. The definition of yandere is: “a Japanese term for a person who is initially very loving and gentle to someone (or at least innocent) before their devotion becomes destructive in nature, often through violence and/or brutality.” So: that’s fun. And we’ve seen these traits in John towards Seraphina throughout the course of the story. John literally beat up a group of kids in an abandoned house because they hurt Seraphina, he attacked a girl because she threw something at Seraphina, e.t.c.. I think you get my point. Anyway, because the entire concept of unordinary is to mock anime stereotypes, i think that uru-chan is aware of what John’s character is (a yandere (hopefully because if i misunderstand this this is a big r.i.p.)) and is using that as a cookie cutter stencil thing for John at the moment. I’m not really sure. Anyway, this interested me a bit, realizing just how harsh and obvious John’s obsession around Seraphina was, and I always, you know, realized it, just seeing it all bunched together here made it stand out in a way it never really has to me. But also as an afternote, John also prioritizes revenge on behalf of sera over sera herself and i don’t know if that helps the yandere argument or contradicts it. oof.
Also: because of the way that what arlo said struck me, I can’t even imagine how Seraphina herself feels. Learning that your best friend is literally basically murderously obsessed with you must not be fun? Anyway. That’s that. I probably could go on, but no more words are coming to me about this so-
I just want to say that I need Arlo and Seraphina to become close after this please and thank you and no this does not belong in the honorable mentions because this. is . important. :)\
And yes, we’re going to gloss over the fact that sera said she was going to have a talk with john after she thought things through because i dont even want to attempt at talking about this it’s too vague and far in the future and yet not at the same time and i don’t know what to say.
Cecile and John:
My poor girl cecile all she wants is power and who can blame her. The lengths she’s going through: respect. Anyway, Cecile always does such a good job of riling up john, but at the same time being completely right.
I appreciated the explanation of how unknowingly john made things worse at wellston for seraphina. I’ve never thought about it in the way that cecile did. I think when John destroyed the hierarchy he figured Sera would be considered an equal to everybody else. But, obviously, that horribly backfired.
Literally don’t know what to say this section was short and there’s nothing i can really say that i haven’t
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Simple ques about Car insurance. Ive had my drivers licence?
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NY motor insurance issue?
I'm going to nyc soon and there's no means I - can pay the auto insurance but. Basically provide https://imascadecor.wordpress.com/2017/06/ how am I going to bypass the united states to view household? I have colorado, idaho, florida, oregon, washington, SC, family everywhere, illinois, arkansas, and new jersey"
Insurance for 2001 celica?
considering the rest equal (era, experience, t/e), how will be the value of insurance for a 2001 toyota celica when compared with cars of the same price range? Eg agreement, sports cars, compact cars"
How much is motor insurance to get an 18 year old man in California?
The caris going to be about 14k whole (out of the door price). I am wondering which car insurance business I is going for, and just what a great value could be. https://naimosandfindcor.wordpress.com/2017/06/02/i-am-looking-for-affordable-health-insurance-company-for-myself-i-an-single-male-40-years-old-i-dont-need/ are currently debating whether I'll be put into their insurance coverage, or easily can get it sepatetely. Does anybody have input with this? Thanks~"
Car Insurance Like A Driver?
It's cheaper for me personally to become named as a second driver on MY vehicle, with someone who has 4 decades no claismand continues to be drivin ages, but when i was too hav a collision while in the car could he shed his no-claims?? And also he's a car 2 if he claims of the insurance for my car, can this in anyway influence his insurance? cheers"
What is an insurance plan?
I have heard the definition of, Packages Section, and Plans Underwriter. What exactly are Packages and do they vary from the regular products an insurance organization offers?"
Life insurance for 18 year old?
My daughter is going to be 18 this year & she wants to know if life insurance is needed by her. She lives acquainted with us,is in 6th form at university (UK) & has no responsibilites like mortgage etc.She has a Saturday job so works. My partner & I aren't guaranteed, although it doesn't sound like she does. Any guidance? Cheers."
Inexpensive medical insurance in NYC?
Hello, I'm 30 years old and my wife and I had a mixed revenue of around $ 62,000 for 2006. In september with this year I returning to university regular and will be stopping my entire time occupation. My current pay is 000, $50. I anticipate building 000 while in university, a maximum of $20 and never having the ability to get healthinsurance . Our money for 2007 may screw up my odds of acquiring many federal-aid for your first-year and will possibly exclude me from balanced NY too. Insurance through college is about $600 monthly. I've gotten rates of $513 to $1200 a month for my spouse. All I would like is devastating insurance in case possibly people have any important difficulties or I have a collision while riding my bike (a means of transportation, not just a doll). These prices are currently driving me insane. Where's where for me personally to look for something that can include these distinct situations and how much must I be prepared to spend? Cheers in advance!!"
"Sad Love Account, Car-Insurance question for a 19 year old. Please Support. May reward 10 items?"
I've been seeing this son for a while today and that I have absolutely slipped for him. A year ago, my entire life fell aside in senior school and he's the thing that's gone right. He is the main one person who makes my heart battle all fast and stomach do flips with those butterflies. I'm absolutely crazy about him. I've my permit but I'm simply not ensured. Our grandfather found a delivery I left while in the car by accident and looked over the kilometers and that I got the vehicle taken away. If any one of you're in love I cannot stop crying you know how I must experience. I can't stop crying. I understand exactly how Juliet must have felt:'(Today on the insurance issue. Our 70-year old grandfather wont I'd like to generate anymore until I'm covered. I am 19 and he has esurance and want to obtain added onto it. Does anybody have any concept of the fee? It'd help out me so much therefore I discover how much I must save. Till then I'll must consider the shuttle to find out him I suppose:(thanks! I'll reward solution best."
Howmuch would my motor insurance on Porsche?
Hello last week, I am 21 and approved my test. I'm thinking about both investing in a BMW Z4 or a Porsche Boxster [yes i know they're expensive] It'll be described as a one. Used to do not know but people told me it would cost thousands...truly???? Considering that aren't that large. If dad features a car i can't get his policy but travel an alternative auto on???? Aid...how do i get this cheaper. I am not worried so much at this time if it costs thousands but its going and i will not realize my situation then."
Teenager car insurance!! ?
im 15 and preparing to purchase my first automobile. About howmuch my insurance is going to be, i really want to know. Im getting a 2001 toyota celica and that I im a girl and live in vermont. can anyone please help?????"
Really Angry! where could I get cheap vehicle insurance im 18?
i been on move assess the cheapest I acquired was 4600 thats on the 1.9 litre van I believe its dumb how do I make a living spending that kind of cash out i need my suv for function plus its nothing like its really powerful its a sh!tty van i wolud not mine if it having a 1.9 sports car buts its a van it sholud be cheaper on automobiles im 18 do u understand where i can get cheaper truck insurance plus I obtained quoted 2600 on a 1.1 automobile
Auto insurance + 3 factors?
Heya ok to lower along history short i got ripped ove by the police the other weekr and i had an extremely worn-out tire on my car. I acquired 3 things because of it and today two weeks later it-my insurance rebirth I understand I've to tell them in regards to the factors and thats wonderful but that is wherever it gets somewhat appealing, my restoration without items might cost 790 for your year but if i tell them about the points i think it increases to 1100 and so I searched about online i added the items while in the prices and everywere is all about 1300 and so I was messing about with all the insurance selections and i improved the buying price of my auto value from 400 to 3000 got a for 770 i couldnt feel it therefore I tested total the important points plus they are proper in addition to the benefit of my car thus my concern is... does it certainly matter that i put 3000 as the importance?"
Simple ques about Car insurance. Ive had my drivers licence?
For over ten yrs but have never had a car in my name. Also have never had my own car insurane. My driving record is spot clean no tickets violations nothing and im over 30. Would i still have to pay as much as a 21 yr old brand new driver for car insurance ?? am i looked at the same as them ??
I might suggest that you visit this website where you can get quotes from different companies: http://INSURECOMPAREQUOTES.US
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I'm beginning to operate courses, coaching creative recycling products and require liability insurance. Would you place me inside the proper path please?"
Produced a mistake on prior car insurance?
I am concerned about changing insurance providers as I forgot to inform preceding insuraure about 3 items I have. What will the brand new insurance provider claim regarding the situation? Can my previous insurance carrier rings and explain? However the insurance has expired thanks"
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I attempting to approach how much cash I will significance of an automobile. Its a 2000 truck. I am 17 and have had no injuries or seats. I required a drivers ed course and get yourself a great student discount. Discussing my parents vehicle (a fresh SUV) produced her insurance go up $70 per month. Have you got an idea of just how much it'd rise if I got my own auto? Thanks!"
Could having a Honda Civic coupe improve my motor insurance costs?
I am 18 & likely to move into a Honda Civic shortly. I observed that my insurance rate would get sky-high, although I'm indicating to get a coupe just because it's really a coupe. Is this true? & in that case, by howmuch? Cheers."
Easily got an automobile video recorder is my auto insurance going down?
I ordered a video recorder for my automobile as project.Keeping in your mind competitors and other motorist are currently operating intellectual occasionally in London can I get my insurance down basically got a recording device within my car.Did anyone were able to accomplish that?
"I didn't ride on it, although I've no healthinsurance, ambulance arrived?"
I fainted at my school. The ambulance got and 2 paramedics examine my blood glucose level and that and blood pressure was it... Used to don't head to a medical facility with them or anything. But of course I'd to give my information that to them... I am terrified since I DO NOT have medical insurance, of just how much it will be. :("
May be the health insurance paid to put off worker taxable?
Does this medical health insurance insurance payment taxable in case a company-paid it truly is terminated a-6 month healthinsurance protection to employee?"
Clever Vehicles are being insured by what insurance company in the US?
I've a 2007 Smart and my insurance has advised me that they can not continue my protection because of the sort of vehicle that it's.
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So I require a statisitic, normally, how much health insurance is provided by employers to employees? I have got that over 50 employees who don't present medical health insurance the Patient Safety and Affordable Care Work can enforce a $2000 good on employers with from January 1st 2014. But for just how much businesses really present medical health insurance, statistics are typical over the position... The portion of big firms providing these gains fell from 66% in 1988 to 34PERCENT in 2002 These estimates are from wikipedia, but I've been looking at different websites also. I simply do not know things to imagine, or how to understand what they truly mean. What proportion of businesses truly provide it really is full-time personnel with satisfactory medical insurance?"
That will cost more to insure? 00-04 mustang 00-04 or bottom mustang gt?
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How long are you experiencing in maryland to incorporate a new automobile for your insurance?
I am being informed it's 14 days, when I believed 30 days, maryland state-law says?"
I'm do not be eligible for medicaid. and pregnant without any insurance?
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Issue where you should get dentures without insurance.?
Hi,I live-in Renton,California and need new dentures.I don't have any dental insurance.I will be able to place down 300 dollars and make payments,just performing PT.Any strategies if its cheaper to attend a Denture Clinic or normal dentist? Many thanks..."
Where could I get lifeinsurance for my girl who has cancer?
Where could I get my child that has cancer life-insurance?
Adrian flux motor insurance?
Is this a good motor insurance company, has everyone got any good/negative coments or viewpoints about this company, I'm a new driver therefore I would love the guidance which will be my insurance. thankz in advance!"
How will you figure out in case you have health care insurance?
How can you discover when you have health care insurance?"
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What're the consequences of the selections with car insurance?
Evaluating auto insurance and answering the questions(rent or own property, relationship position, etc.). Do my advanced fee influence?"
Classic Mini Insurance? Support?
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"For washing company, business insurance?"
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I was considering investing in a 2010 vw gti car or car. Manual. Is insurance with this superior to get a gentleman that is newer? it has a turbo onto it. However it simply contributes I do believe 25hp popping out to about 200. Could a car and automated be insurance than the usual coupe/guide?
Common costs to purchase and guarantee a 50cc scooter?
Ok so I don't understand what moped it will be and so I'm simply looking for earnings and general help. I'm am thinking of getting a scooter charge imminent, for that next 6-7 weeks and 17. I just wondered how much could insurance expense me for this, not just a brilliant bicycle just a cheapo 400-500 assume as I shant everyday be applying it and is there in any manner to insure it for only 6 months rather than a year that's cheaper? Over a whole how much do you think it'd charge me altogether easily ordered a 400 50cc moped to guarantee for 6 month (year in case you cannot do six months) + tax + assessment you have to take P.S. I reside in England - South-East - Dover/Folkestone Location"
Just how much would motor insurance be for an 18 year old in Ontario?
I am an 18-year old residing in the Windsor area in Ontario, Canada. I wondered roughly how much auto insurance for me would be. I've been operating for just two decades, never had a collision, racing ticket, etc. I taken drivers ed."
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How much does insurance cost in the era of 30 on the car in the united kingdom?
Me that's in the age of 30 haha!
Simple ques about Car insurance. Ive had my drivers licence?
For over ten yrs but have never had a car in my name. Also have never had my own car insurane. My driving record is spot clean no tickets violations nothing and im over 30. Would i still have to pay as much as a 21 yr old brand new driver for car insurance ?? am i looked at the same as them ??
I might suggest that you visit this website where you can get quotes from different companies: http://INSURECOMPAREQUOTES.US
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You know... I've been meaning to ask you about this for a while, and yesterday's tag thing that you did with those Bale gifs only like... fueled? My curiosity? Lol, if that makes sense. Could you like... relive? The Champions League final from this year for us? Like, your perspective on it? Or maybe even the actual whole day of the final? Sorry, God, I know this is weird, but I just love how you tell stories from your life! I have seen you do it with some other anons once!
First of all, THANK YOU SO MUCH for this like, you guys always send me such interesting questions and Im so??? and OMG no this is not weird stop this is such a wonderful question to ask!! And omg you liked how I told the stories to those anons that is so sweet thank you so muchhhhh ❤️❤️💝❤️💘💘💞💞💘
But also this is making me really emotional I dont think I will be able to write this without tearing up but here we go!!! I was at school today and we had a special day so we didnt make any classes, so I had time to formulate an answer to this, and to complete it at home 💞
Quick WARNING?? Yes I am perfectly aware of how crazy and overdramatic this whole story sounds, but the thing is that this is how I truly feel about this day in my life. So yeah lol. Football is basically my life!
I would like to start this by saying that the day of the 26th of May 2018 is the most important day of my entire life as a football fan. There is nothing that could even come close to this. Absolutely nothing. Never in my life have I cried like in that night. Never. Absolutely never. I have looked at my life as a person, at my hardest times, when I cried a lot, but not even that can even slightly compare to the amount of crying that I have done on that glorious day of May 7 months ago. When I say crying, though, I dont actually mean crying, no. I mean violently sobbing, screaming at the top of my lungs, shaking and feeling numb. But in the best way possible, the happiest tears that I ever shedded.
My actual perspective, like you said, though, starts from the 2nd of May, a day after our semi-final second leg against Bayern. From that day, until the 26th, my mind, my body, my soul only thought about the final. I could not even focus on the Clasico on the 6th, neither on the last La Liga match. I was so fucking nervous, words are not sufficient to describe….. At least once every 2-3 days I would go to the bathroom with severe stomach aches and sit there until I would try to calm myself down so that my grandmother wouldnt get worried. I thank God, the Universe, or whoever you think invented life for the fact that highschool had nothing special during that period, just a few tests, that I got the best grades on, because had there been something big, I would have surely failed. That was a nightmare. Just think about it. Horrible La Liga season, then those fucking shaky as fuck second leg matches against Juve AND Bayern. I was literally so pessimistic that I am scaring myself right now thinking about it. All these bad scenarios played through my head ”What if Zizou loses his job? What if this will be the start of our downfall? What if this is the last Champions League final we will play? What if, what if, what if….”. I always tried to tell my brain how stupid I was, that we are Real Madrid and that we will win, like we always do, that we are the best fucking team in the Universe and that nobody even comes close to being like us. But its like these voices in my head wouldnt stop, it was so scary.
Come 25th of May I was an actual lifeless corpse. No matter how much I tried to call my best friend, who was in Bulgaria at that time, and telling her that I cant take this anymore, and her telling me that its going to be okay like it always is, that she doesnt really know my team well but she knows we will win, no matter how much of that was happening, I couldnt fucking stop being nervous and constantly thinking about this match.
On the morning of the 26th I woke up with a severe headache at about 8:30-9 AM. The only things that I remember from that whole day are the constant empty feeling, the amount of times I listened to Hala Madrid Y Nada Mas and the amount of pictures, videos, promotional/support videos I saw and watched. I called my friend one last time and I told her that now I am optimistic, that we will win.
My whole emotional state was ruined, however, by Gareth not starting. I dont need to explain the whole February-May Gaz-Zizou situation because I think everyone knows it too well by now and what I fucking felt about it. I have never been so enraged in my entire life. After all he has done, still no place in the starting XI. Though, this is pretty much the only thing that has ever angered me about Zizou. I love that man too much, I dont think there will ever be a coach that will ever come close to him, a coach that I will ever love as much as I loved him, but this whole situation really, really angered me. As I said, not going to get into details, I think that is enough. Though, I tried to only focus on my hardly achieved positivity about the match.
The match started and my emotional state reached its lowest point. I couldnt take it anymore, I felt impossibly sick from being so nervous, I got the most severe migraine ever, my eyes were literally about to pop out ugh again, remembering that gives me chills. Dani got injured, and I got angry again, because he didnt deserve it, the World Cup was literally about to start like God give this man a break!!!
Halftime at 0-0, my optimism grew, believe it or not. I felt like we will have more urgency in the second half and that we will win this.
The second half came, with me just desperately hoping for a goal. Because we were playing so well, we deserved a reward!! And it did come, with Benzemas goal, God I felt so relieved and happy. I have seen people saying that his goal was not good but? You literally take everything that is being offered to you in a Champions League final! He scored, he gave us a goal, we were 1-0 up, and I was literally screaming from joy, I was shaking so much and I was the proudest person alive. God, I love my team. Then, Liverpools equalizer came. I didnt think anything of it. I wouldnt get rid of my optimism. I was looking at my boys and I knew we would win.
And Oh My God, here we fucking go.
Minute 61. Gareth comes on. I was so grateful that he at least got to play 30 minutes, I literally only wanted to see him. At that time, considering everything that was happening, I was already emotionally starting to prepare for his departure to another team. I was watching him in those moments, flashbacks through my mind of all the glorious times I got to see him, all of his goals, everything.
And then…
All of a sudden…
62:58
That moment. The moment in which my soul has definitely left my body. The most beautiful moment I have ever lived in watching football. The moment in which I was the proudest person alive. A moment I will never, ever, ever forget, for as long as I get to live. The moment I have literally seen history being made, right before my eyes. The moment in which I literally evaporated, left the Earth, idk how to explain this but I hope you understand me. My idol, that had suffered so much that season, scored a fucking bicycle kick in a FUCKING UCL FINAL. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. The happiest, most full of joy, best, most emotional moment. Ever. No exaggeration.
My perspective on this? Oh well, brace yourselves. If you think everything that I have written so far seems insane, get ready for this.
I was on my bed, watching the game, shaking. I saw the passes, beautiful passes, that ended up with Marcelo controling the ball (incredibly, as he always does, my Brazilian sunshine). I saw him swaying to the side, and then passing a high, aerial ball in the box. Gareth came up to meet it, with… a scissor kick. That he scored. I literally fucking exploded like there is no other word. I jumped off my fucking bed and I ran literally across the house and came back, making the most inhuman noises ever I swear. I came back to my bedroom and I collapsed on the floor and I literally started fucking bawling my eyes out, and even that seems like an understatement. Screaming at the top of my lungs, bawling my eyes out, literally all of it happening on the floor. My grandmother literally came in and she thought something happened to me, but then I just pointed to the screen and she understood lmao. And from that point onward I cannot say anything anymore, because I dont remember anything else but me on the floor, literally. After like 15 minutes I hardly even managed to get back on the bed, and guess what?
82:41
AGAIN.
A
G
A
I
N
???? I dont know what to say anymore. Like he literally toyed with everyone that night, he didnt care about anything. Again, with a pass from Marcelo, he literally goes from FAR FAR FAR away and he shoots and… scores?? How much do you think my poor fragile self can handle? Like, WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU SAY TO THAT?? Except for bawling your eyes out even more, if thats even possible? Its been 7 months and I still dont have words for what happened that night, like 2 goals ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? LIKE DO YOU UNDERSTAND I WAS LITERALLY DEAD LIKE ??? I LOST EVERY SINGLE BIT OF MY SANITY THAT NIGHT. 2 goals, 2 goals in 20 minutes, he was about to get a fucking hattrick. A fucking HATTRICK IN HALF AN HOUR, but Karius unfortunately stopped that shot.
The match ended and… I dont remember anything other than barely seeing the screen, I literally had a blurred vision.
We fucking won it. We DID IT. THE DECIMOTERCERA WAS OURS.
In the moment in which Sergio lifted it I… I dont have words, did I go into another Universe, did I ascend, did my soul leave my body I dont even know but what I do know is that I spent the rest of the night, up until like 6AM, crying my heart out. And this is what I mean by ”I have never cried so much in my entire life”. Like I have never spent a whole night crying.
I went to bed at like 6:30, woke up at like.. 10?? I think you can imagine how I woke up, I literally felt like I was going to die but I spent the rest of the day catching up on everything that happened the entire night.
And then, of course, the celebrations, Cibeles, Bernabeu… of course your sensitive girl bawled her eyes out again lol!
Every day ever since it happened, I have always been thinking about this day. About all of it. No point in counting how many times I rewatched the goals lol! But I think you can imagine haha 💘
So yeah, this is pretty much it DSLKFDKJFKDFJKDFK. The story about my best ever day of watching football I made it unecessarily long (Im so sorry). I think the only conclusion that I can get from this is Hala Madrid Y Gareth Y Nada Mas lol! 💘💘
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Everything is a lie. Everything. I don’t know what to belive anymore and I don’t trust anyone anymore. No matter what I do he’ll find a way to make it worse. He always goes for the gut where it’ll hurt. He knows I’ll think about it non stop it’ll eat away at me. He can say the worst things to me make me feel like I’m nothing but everyone sees me as an immature child and I’m always wrong. Just cause he said so. If i cant sit down with someone and have an “adult conversion” 10 mins after they just told me I was insane cause I had to go to a mental hospital for bpd and tell me I’m evil. Told me id never be anything never have any power threatened to put me on the street call the police on me. He said i have no friends. They were never mine they’re his. And he has the power to make them not like me. And now after i thought that things would be different this time it seems like its going to be the same. He controls the situation and i have no power and it wont take long until everyone thinks im in the wrong. And im not saying that i didnt do my fair share of bad things that culminated into where im at now but for the people i considered to be my closest friends here say that my actions are childish and immature when all I asked for is space and to stop being harassed and forced into conversation with someone who broke my heart and makes me feel worthless and tried to put me out on the street makes me feel like shit. Like I don’t matter. My feelings dont matter and they never will. And now I’m doubting everything positive that was said to me recently cause now I feel like they were all lies. But like he said they’re not my friends they never were. And I can’t help to think that if they never saw me again it wouldn’t change their lives at all. This isn’t what I wanted. I tried to fix it. I tried to forget all the things he said in the past tell my brain to forget that he didn’t mean it. But I couldn’t and over time I grew to resent him for how he made me feel. Get mad at me because I couldn’t get over that fact that he called me a horrible girlfriend and that if he saw me getting jumped he wouldn’t help me cause I didn’t believe that our friends jumped him because they clearly didnt. Im pretty sure if he had actually gotten jumped he wouldnt have went over to their house 4 days later and gotten drunk with them. And i mean like i said im not so dense to see that I did do some wrong things too. But I never actually tried to hurt his feelings and make him feel bad. I have to work on some anger issues I’m aware. Even though I feel like no one believes me I have been looking for another psychiatrist and therapist just want a specific one. And I feel like I should be comfortable with who I’m talking to and shouldn’t have to compromise on that. I know it’ll take some time to find what I’m looking for but it doesn’t mean I’m not looking. I want to get re medicated cause the meds I have now make me feel like shit. Like sometimes I feel like ima pass out other times I’m a zombie and anything in between. He brings up how they “used to work” and I remember the days he was talking about. I thought they worked too. But they didn’t stop the thoughts or the urges of what I wanted to do to myself they just made me numb I got so disconnected from everything and everyone that anyone who reached out to me I clung to them to stay sane. I know because of this I made some mistakes did some things I know I shouldn’t have done but I wasn’t trying to hurt him or be bad I just wanted to maintain one of the only friendships I had left back at home. But it doesn’t matter cause the friendship got lost all of them did. I don’t have friends back at home anymore not really. I have people that I disconnected from because my dissociative habits got the better of me and I spent most of my time back at home trying to remember what day it was and where the time went and what I was doing (which was nothing) trying so hard to cling to reality but end up cooped up in my room for weeks at a time only leaving it to go to work or the bathroom or eat. I’m not excusing my behavior but I could tell the meds were losing their placebo affect and we’re not meshing with my body. They told me this might happen but I was already bound to come back to memphis at this point and I thought that if I took what I needed when I was too deep in my emotions it would help a little but I was wrong if anything I think it made it worse cause they weren’t reacting well with my body and taking them irregularly can’t be any better. But I was still trying. Really hard. Trying to keep everything together keep my emotions in check because it got to the point where I didn’t feel comfortable expressing myself or my emotions to him. If i wasn’t happy it made him mad. But it’s hard when everything in your brain is pushing you to feel your emotions so strong and even when I tried my hardest I would still be really mad and upset over the words he said to me and I couldn’t forget them. Those words cut so deep that it changed how I felt and so my actions became synonymous. I started to act colder because I was hurt and I felt like he didn’t deserve for me to be sweet or nice because he never understood how much he hurt me everytime. I can’t get over hearing those things be said to me by someone I loved and get over it in 10 mins when he’s ready talk and forget it ever happened and change nothing. I deserve to be able to talk about things when I’m ready and I shouldn’t be forced to or made to feel like a child because it’s not on his terms. Just because he said sorry. I remember when he told me that when I said I’m sorry it didn’t mean shit. And the part that fucks me up the most is that no one told me this in person. They talked about it behind my back but to my face they tell me I’m strong and I’m doing the right thing for me and I shouldn’t have to talk to him if I don’t want to and I deserve my space. Why am I immature? Is it because I took everthing in the house that was mine and put it in the back room so i could look after my things because i was afraid they’d be thrown out? That i sleep on the floor for the moment cause i dont want him to use the fact that i slept in his bed aginst me? Because he told me that they were his property and I can’t sleep in it. That I don’t feel comfortable enough to inhabit another room besides in the very back because he’s made points to tell me that this is “his house ” and give me ultimatums threating to kick me out because I wasn’t here to put my name on the lease so he has the power to (something he told me id never have) even though I pay to live here too but I’ve never truly felt like i was apart of this house no matter how much I tried to decorate and make it feel like our home but it never was mine the whole time I felt like I was paying him to live here not the landlord. Is it because when he told me to pack up my dollar tree shit and get out i took him seriously? Is it because i burned pictures of us and gifts because it was too hard to look at and be reminded of how far my relationship had fallen? By no means does this scenario alone make me want to kill myself but it adds the notion that I believe I am a burden that no one truly wishes to deal with which does make me want to end this sad life i live. He publicly tries to push my buttons make me seen crazy to people. Some people believe him. Through everything the thing that hurts my feelings the most is that everyone still talks to him. If someone treated my friends like this i wouldnt talk to them invite them places when i know they are mentally manipulating and abusing my friend. His feelings and inclusion means more than me and my feelings. He can harrass me in the streets at bars convince people to not talk to me but when he is screaming in my face to the point where he needs to be physically pulled away because I didn’t want to talk to him it’s still my fault. The cops said so too. Tried to get a restraining order and I can’t. Cause even the cops take his side. And my friends were there witnessed it and just pretend like nothing happened or do nothing. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who treated my friends like that so cruelly. I don’t talk to people that my friends have issues with. The most superficial and petty reasons why they would be hurt if i even said hi. And i know they would never say it but i would hurt their feelings. So why cant i be hurt by the fact that no one stopped talking to him. When they see how he treats me. I do what i do for them out of respect and support but they can’t do the same when I’m clearly being harassed. she died i always said it should have been me. Everyone liked her better. She was better than me. Im just a knockoff. If she were still alive my niece and nephew would still be together and my nephew wouldnt be getting abused regularly with us not being able to do anything about it cause the court decided that his asshole sperm donor has more paternal rights than his family who raised him but this pimple on the asscrack of socieity who was never in his life can swoop in and literally snatch him out of school and move him away and we only get to see him 1 weekend out of the month. That 3 days out of the whole fucking month that he doesnt get beat. He has anxiety attacks. Hes 6. When he realizes he has to go back to his “dad” he starts hyperventilating and we have to try to calm him down so he can breathe. I can already tell hes gonna grow up with issues and it breaks my heart that he might grow up to be anything like me in that regard. Meanwhile my niece has had her only immediate family cruelly taken from her by snakes in people skin. Her father was never in her life either. I fear that soon mine won’t be either. My dad won’t tell me everything even though I tell him to tell me I know he holds some stuff back. I think the cancer is spreading and all I think about is how long left I have with him. My grandmother is in the stages of dementia. Soon she won’t remember me I’ll lose the last grandparent I have but not from death. When I was still in the relationship he would tell me I bring home burdens that weigh him down. But he says sorry so I shouldn’t believe the nasty things he says even though he’s said them more than once on different occasions. I just feel so lied to It wouldn’t matter. It doesnt matter. I don’t matter. Honestly I don’t think i ever did
But I have to do this I have to stay strong for her. She left me 2 children to take care of. A part of her and I’ll be damned if I fuck it up. I can fuck up my life but not theirs
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5/26/2017 I would like to hold myself accountable in some way, so I'm going to start posting. Today I binged. These past few weeks have consisted of more binges than these past few months and it's scaring me. I started meeting with my therapist because of this and because of an ample amount of free time. I believe this amount of free time is causing me to think FAR too much about "fixing" myself, which is why I end up bingeing. My breakfasts and lunches have been satisfactory in the eyes of a girl on a weight loss journey, but if you ask my therapist, they are considered restrictive. Anyways, I'm going to be posting before, during, and after binges from now on in order to get a clearer sense of some of the reasons behind WHY I keep falling down this path. I'd really like to make this summer a time for myself to get closer to overcoming this battle of one and I believe the first step is being honest. So, here I am. Post-binge & post-purge as I walk the Weber Center track. My goal for the night is to reach 20,000 steps. Is this overexercise? Probably, but the highly irrational side of my brain is okay with that because... well.. whatever leads to weight loss. While I'm here, I guess I'll say how my day went and maybe I'll discover some potential triggers. 8:00- woke up and showered. I put on a cute outfit but I changed into a more comfortable one that made me feel really bad about my body. I changed bc I thought I'd get cold at graduation rehearsal. I even put on lipstick and earrings! Probably bc I wanted to impress my boo thang 8:15- I had my ACV and then I ate breakfast. I make myself drink this before breakfast bc I believe it's the magic waste loss cure. I wanted some protein so I started out with a strawberry Greek yogurt. I then made some oatmeal and had that as my starch instead of granola because for some reason I thought eating oatmeal would keep me from binging today ??? Who knows. My logic is skewed. I put 1 tbsp of protein in it bc I thought more protein = fuller tummy = lower chance of bingeing. I then had a disgusting overcooked hard boiled egg. My reflux of that was SICKENING. I had a strawberry too. I really wanted to binge but I left.... 8:35- supposed to be at graduation rehearsal @ 9. There was a breakfast from 8-9 that I skipped bc HA. when's the last time I've ever gone to a provided breakfast??? The idea of putting one of those bagels in my system makes me wanna barf. Disgusting carbs. 8:44- I arrive at niles North. I don't wanna see these people. Ugh. I wanna hide myself. I don't wanna walk in front of that crowd and get body shamed. I wanna see vaughn but I don't want him to see me. If I cross my arms over my belly maybe my body will turn invisible. 9:00- the gym is filled with pastries and bagels. Yuck. How does everyone just eat all of that stuff so carelessly? 9:05- the rehearsal is fine and long and I just wanna go and get on with my day. I'm so sick of this place and I hate all of this small talk. I see Uche and vaughn talking. Blah. I see tiselle. I think she hates me. Do I owe her an apology? Vaughn and I aren't even really dating. We've basically just hooked up and had some sleepovers. 9:40- omg there was this thing we had to do when we went to our seats and the person directly across from you in the parallel line would sit at the same time as you and vaughn and I were parallel! Love those coincidences. Also during the ceremony I sat behind manduul. He makes me uncomfortable. I also sat behind Nathan, vaughns friend, and I felt very judged. Am I too much for people? 10:00- I'm free! I zoom toward the exit and to the door and jump into my car. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I head to old navy and call dad. I tell him to meet me there. 10:15- I begin shopping. I enjoy shopping but it can be tough. I like my body now more than I used to, but I've still got some improvements to make. Im really proud of my exercise efforts though. I've been so consistent!!! I can't wait to continue on this fitness journey and to get a better grip on this healthy lifestyle. 1:00- omg, I'm finally done shopping. I can't believe I spent $270 on clothes...... holy shit. I've never done that before. It was my dads money and he was happy to do it but damn. I feel so spoiled. do I even deserve all of this stuff? Probably not. Ugh I'm so privileged it makes me sick. 1:05- dad was gross and flirty with cashier and I really don't wanna be around him but I have a salad at his house I was gonna eat for lunch so I head there and he follows right behind me in his car!!! Oy. 1:15- I eat a green salad from Trader Joe's. It has a lot of fat in it (27 g) but not a lot of protein (14 g) so I'm freaking out and worried about a later binge. Should I have that salmon in there or is it too much? The meal is only 370 calories. Do I need more? Dad comes and eats both of the small containers with salmon. He says it's okay to eat that much bc he worked out!!!! He keeps saying shit like that. It's so triggering. He says it as if you need to earn the right to eat which is such a disordered way of thinking. Is my whole family disordered? Oy vey. 1:30- I try and speed through lunch because this man is driving me insane. I say I'm gonna go to moms house and clean. I end up going upstairs until 2 and I just laid down and looked up things for vaughn and I to do tonight. Couldn't find anything. 2:05- I head to moms house. I grab 2 pieces of gum from dads fridge bc I think it'll rid of the urge to binge. It does for a while. I continue cleaning up and getting rid of stuff at moms while I listen to music. Not aware of the time. I take a break at some point. I head to the fridge and I get a chicken breast from jewel. I heat it up. My favorite part is the fatty skin. Is that completely disgusting? Probably. I'm proud of myself bc I eat it at a controlled pace which is new for me. I also have 3 pieces of shrimp. I'm upset with myself bc I'm watching a movie as I eat it. The love is called Blue is the Warmest Color. It's about lesbians. I question my sexuality for the thousandth time. I see that Jacob (my Ex boyfriends) new friend group posts a picture of themselves with a couch. Why are they mocking my friend group? Whatever! I also make myself a French vanilla cappuccino and I crave some shortbread cookies but I don't let myself. I tell myself to wait it out and let the craving pass because I know I'm not actually hungry. I stop watching the movie at this point and I return to cleaning. I have short text conversation with Spencer about vaughn and then about dammy. I realized that I'm not sure if I really trust vaughn and the relationship I currently have with him is kinda strange and I'm not sure how much I really wanna pursuit it. I really enjoy him though. He's so intelligent and makes great convo. At some point, I make my way to the kitchen again and I let myself have a ton of chocolate. I reach for the box of Fannie may chocolates that I discovered a few days back and rip through half of that, I love the chocolates with raspberry centers. I then reach for a box of European chocolates and they are expired and dusty looking. Yuck. I then eat some m&ms and chocolate squares and it's out of hand. I even have some more maple cookies and I heat up a handheld apple pie from Krispy cream. I heat up a butternut squash ravioli and vegetables lean cuisine and I devour it. I want more pasta. More carbs. I find another pasta dish in the freezer, I heat it, and it's gross. I put it in a container and throw it in the fridge. Wonder what my mom will think about all of the containers and food wrappers in the garbage. I hope she doesn't question me about it. I then have 2 spinach pie triangles and heat them in panini maker. Not very good. Then I make a quesadilla with 2 tortillas and a ton of cheese. I eat that by the tv. I then make another one even though I'm beginning to feel sick. This is the last thing I eat. I drink some water out a wine glass and I'm mad at myself. Go figure. This always ends up happening. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. I go to the bathroom and lay down and I'm in so much pain. I try spitting up my food. Oh yeah, just to mention I was spitting up some of my chocolate earlier on and I did this by running around and drinking water. Anyways, after My binge I'm in the bathroom trying to throw up and my phone is dying so I grab the extension cord thingy and I bring it to the bathroom downstairs bc I enjoy purging into that Toilet better and I charge my phone as I spit food up. Not too much comes up. I watch a video about what to do after a binge. It's not too helpful. I do hear AGAIN that I need to not restrict after a binge. This is so hard to learn bc I always have events coming up. I'm not trying to look like a fat ass at graduation or on birthright!!! 7:20- I decide to head to Weber center to walk. It's raining outside but I need to do something and I don't wanna be with other people. lol I never wanna be with other people. I'm too ashamed of myself. I set a goal for myself to walk 20,000 steps and I compete with everyone walking. Well, that's my day so far. If anything drastic ends up happening, I'll update you in tomorrow's post. Until then, keep on fighting. You are not your illness and I have no doubt that you'll eventually beat this. I love you, rach. Signing off.
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