#anyways whatever i'm tired i'm going to bed

[elliesspacewalker]

Ellie being the bully of reader but secretly being like very obssesed and possessive over them. Maybe even in a secret casual relationship but being rlly jealous.

I've decided I will make this into a series, so please enjoy!

"shup up Ellie"

Warnings; transgender!ellie, semi enemies to lovers, Ellie plays rugby and so do you, weed usage, Ellie is a jerk lol, pure angst and fluff.

fynn = brother

Ellie fucking Williams, your brothers best friend- she was probably one of the biggest bullies towards you, even after you graduated high school, she would constantly throw slurs at you or make you feel bad about what you were doing. It never mattered what it was, you could just be making food and Ellie would comment on how you're making the food wrong even if you were doing it right.

"Fynn! Come have a look at this fucking idiot" she called your very stoned brother over who laughed at you after you spilt chocolate powder all over yourself. "Ellie it's not funny"

"It's fucking hilarious dude" Fynn says trying to calm his breathing as he laughs even harder, "funniest shit ever, anyways me and Ellie are going to go play video games, don't interrupt us" you scoff, before moving to grab a cloth to wipe up the floor, looking up from the floor you see Ellie still staring at you.

"Bro what do you want?" you ask her and she shakes her head "you look pathetic by the way, you're clumsy as fuck and you need to stop spilling everything" you wanted to cry, Ellie always bullied you, even if she took it too far she never apologized to you. "okay" you say with a tired tone, so done with her shit.

It was 9pm and your parents weren't home yet, but at least you finished baking your brownies! You sigh before grabbing a few and putting them onto a plate, making your way upstairs quietly and knocking on your brothers door softly to see if he's still awake after almost hot boxing the entire house.

Ellie opens the door and a massive amount of smoke blows into your face, you cough and start moving your hands to get rid of the smoke "bro what do you want?" Ellie says with a frown.

"I just wanted to see if you wanted some brownies I made, nothing personal" you hand her the brownies and she looks at you, maybe the only time you've seen her genuinely thankful for something you gave her.

"thanks bro" she mutters under her breath and you give her a subtle 'you're welcome' before shutting your brothers door and making your way to your room...

You sit cross legged on your bed and open your mac book to finally get some school projects done, before you know it three hours had passed and there's a knock at your door.

"come in?" your voice low, but sweet. it was so intoxicating. it was Ellie, you have a confused look on your face- her eyes red and looks like she had been crying but it was just the weed

"it was uhh." she itches her ear, "it was good, thanks" you study her face, and she's being genuine "if you want more go for it" you sigh, closing your laptop.

"you coming to the game on sunday?" she mutters out, "ellie if you're here to bully me or whatever just don't bother with it, I'm done with your shit"

"i'm trying to be fucking friendly for once" she spits out and it gives you a slight shock "right" you nod, she rolls her eyes and slams your door pretty loudly, making you flinch.

You ended up going to the game on Sunday, which fucking sucked- you and Ellie were on the same team during rugby and your team lost by almost 30 points and you didn't know what to do...

You were sitting in the locket room with Ellie, fiddling with your bracelet begging Ellie won't try to talk to you.

"you did good out there" she mumbles to you "huh?"

"I'm saying you did good, we probably would've had it if Bredon didn't fucking injure his foot half way through the match" you giggle and agree.

"Nice bracelet by the way, where'd you get it?" Ellie moves her attention from your wrist to your eyes, you hum and decide if you should tell her or not "my grandma gifted it to me before she passed away"

"Oh- I didn't know I'm sorry for your lost" she says in a sympathetic tone, to say the very least you were confused about why she was acting nice to you... It was slightly overwhelming, you decide the tension is too think and you can't handle it anymore, you say bye before grabbing your gear and going out the locker room.

"Hey hun, that was amazing!" your mom hugs you tightly, you roll your eyes knowing she was only trying to be nice even though you lost, by A LOT.

Ellie was going insane, she felt crazy for the awkward interaction with you "really Ellie?! Fucking 'nice bracelet'" she groans, pulling out her phone and sitting on her bed defeated- she knew what she was doing was wrong but she couldn't help it, she was obsessed and it was unhealthy, even she knew it.

She unlocks her phone before typing in your name on Instagram and following you, she sighs and flops down onto her bed.

Before she knows it, you accept her request and text her.

She shoots up and looks down at her phone to see your notification that says 'hey, did u mean to follow me?' she groans loudly, feeling awkward and didn't know what to say to you.

Hey yeah I did mean to..

Oh k

I don't wanna seem weird rn but what you doing over the weekend?

nm, y u askin?

Wanna come over to mine?

els if this is a game, just don't

Her heart thumped at you calling her els, she hearts the message and replies back fast.

Its not, I'm being genuine

Come over at 7pm tmmr?

sure cya then

a/n: part 2?

#transgender ellie #trans!ellie #ellie the last of us #ellie x reader #ellie williams #ellie x y/n #ellie x you #ellie x fem reader #ellie tlou #ellie williams fluff #ellie williams angst #ellie williams x you #ellie williams x reader #ellie williams x female reader

[cobaltperun]

R and Tara have been friends for a long time, you could even call them best friends.

Ever since moving to new York, Tara made a habit to go to parties more and getting more shit faced.

In that state she is more handsy and flirtatious and Y/N is the person who suffers from her wrath.

I hope it's a prompt you can work with 😊

Drunk Words, Sober Thoughts

Tara Carpenter x GN Reader (Request)

Masterlist

Word count: 0.9k

You couldn't believe this was happening again. What was it? Like the fifth time this month? It was eleventh! Barely a third of the month has passed and you already had to drag Tara back to her and Sam's apartment for the fifth time!

"You're really adorable, you know," your drunk best friend blurted out, like she usually did. "I like your eyes," she continued. "And ears," not exactly the first thing you usually heard, but she was drunk, and it wasn't the first time she was like this when drunk. "I wanna wear your shirt," she was a hundred and ten percent, way too drunk. "You're real quiet," she hiccupped for the hundredth time since you got her to leave the party with you.

"And you're drunk like a skunk," you sighed, stuck between being done with this bullshit and not wanting to let anything bad happen to Tara while she was this drunk.

"I'm not a slut," she slurred as you gave up on dragging her and just lifted her up on your back. It would be faster anyway.

"Not a skank, Tara, a skunk, the animal, the stinky one," you corrected her.

Tara hummed. "'Kay, I don't stick either," she sounded sleepy, well, at least you hoped she'd fall asleep, and you could avoid the other... downsides of taking care of drunk Tara.

"You reek of alcohol," you still told her and she just leaned her head on your shoulder and mumbled something unintelligible.

With a sigh you reached her building and began the daunting task of climbing up the stairs to her apartment. Sam was upstairs, being pacified by Mindy and Chad while you took it upon yourself to bring Tara back. Because, for some reason, she tended to listen to you, maybe it was because you've been best friends for years now.

You felt like your soul would evacuate from your exhausted body as you reached the apartment doors and leaned your forehead against the bell, too tired to do it properly.

"Damn it, Y/N, you don't have to push the bell into the wall!" Mindy exclaimed as she swung the door open but you just grumbled and staggered toward Tara's bedroom.

"Scold her when she wakes up, Sam, I wanna get her to bed and crash on your couch," you had a long day, you just wanted to take care of Tara and go to sleep.

Sam probably gave up only because Tara was sleeping on your back.

You opened the doors to Tara's room and went inside. Luckily, Chad turned the lights on for you and closed the doors.

"Tara," you tried to wake her up as you just barely managed to get her on her bed and start taking her shoes off. "T," you tried again. "The Captain Dook Baba," you sighed and she sat up like she was a vampire rising from the grave, or Wednesday fucking Addams or something.

"It's The Babadook," she corrected you and you just shrugged.

"Great, whatever, just get changed," you sighed, dropping down on her bed just for a moment, just one minute for your legs to recover from all those stairs.

"You want to watch me change?" she teased you, cackling drunkenly as she turned onto her side and began brushing her hand along your arm.

"Tara," you groaned, not really in the mood to handle her drunken flirting and touching. She was your best friend, but, well, you were in love with her, but you never did anything to show it, fearing you'd ruin your friendship. And when she flirted with you while she was this drunk you kept turning her down, because she never showed interest when she was sober, so you didn't want her to do anything she'd regret.

"It's okay if you do," she leaned in, whispering close to your ear and you just buried your face in the blanket.

"Fuck, how do others deal with you when you're this drunk?" you complained, not even wanting to imagine how the twins dealt with her. Well, Chad probably gets flustered and Mindy probably just shuts Tara down right away

"Hmm, only with you," she somehow managed to get up and you heard her taking her clothes off.

"Wha?" you mistakenly turned your head just when she took her shirt off and quickly turned away.

"I only act like this with you, cause I really, really like you, Y/N," she sounded a bit less drunk as she said that, and your heart skipped a beat, but you couldn't dare to hope, you just sighed and waited until she changed and got into her bed again.

Only then did you get up. "Damn it, Tara, why can't you just say that when you're sober," you sighed, believing her to be asleep. She was always quick to fall asleep when she was this drunk.

"'Cause you keep rejecting me when I'm drunk and I don't wanna get rejected when I'm sober," she mumbled and you looked back at her, surprised.

You stared at her, somehow her eyes looked much clearer, though it was probably a temporary thing. You still leaned closer to her and pushed a strand of her hair out of her face. "Tell me again when you're sober, or don't, I might flirt first for once," you told her and she nodded sleepily, a drunk, but happy smile, appeared on her face as she got more comfortable on her bed.

A/N: Well, Anon, I hope you like this, I took some liberties with the request, as you can see, so I hope you don't mind.

#tara carpenter x reader #tara carpenter x you #tara carpenter #scream #jenna ortega x reader #x reader #x gn reader

[lis-likes-fics]

We love clingy, small, sweet Wanda in this house so how about one where precious little bean is having a cold but refuses to rest and follows Reader instead until they give in and take a bath with her or something like that 🥹💕

this has been in my ask box for like...two years and i'm honestly so sorry i didn't answer this sooner but here it is. i hope you like it (if you're even still active) 😭

tw: fluff, brief suicide joke, sick fic. 900 words.

You glance over at Wanda at the corner of your eye. Her nose is red, her eyes are droopy, and she's bundled up with at least three blankets as she lays in bed. The TV plays quietly in front of her, a dimly lit lamp providing whatever light doesn't come from the television as you try to watch for her tired gaze.

Picking up the remote, you pause the movie and shift in your chair to look at her better. “Sleepy yet?” you wonder gently, concern written all over your face.

Her answer is prompt. “No, turn it back on.”

You sigh. “Baby, it's almost two in the morning. You need to sleep.”

The night outside of your bedroom window is full of crickets and twinkling stars. As Wanda glances at the time on the wall, she just mumbles under her breath.

“I can't,” she complains, looking at you with tired eyes. “It's too cold.”

“Do you need another blanket?”

She nods meekly, her green eyes so full of her adoration for you. It both warms your heart and saddens it to see her like this. She's so pretty, you want to kiss her.

You take the blanket off your lap and drape it on top of her. You know she feels bad about taking yours, but she accepts it anyway because she loves you and she does feel a little better. Besides, the blanket smells like you, too. It adds another layer of comfort.

You watch her wiggle her nose, her eyes filling with tears and her lips parting as she moves to sit up. The first sneeze racks through her whole body, and you almost feel bad about the way you just watch her. The second sneeze has you pitying her. It follows in quick succession, and you know it hurts by the way she hunches over and stays hunched over. The third and fourth sneezes are definitely nothing to envy.

The look she gives when she opens her eyes is downright murderous as she stares at nothing in particular. She sounds strange when she speaks, like she's holding back a yawn.

“If I sneeze one more time, I'll kill myself.”

“Baby–”

She does, in fact, sneeze one more time. You watch her eyes light in a scarlet red, her fingertips dancing with wisps. You don't appreciate her joke as much as she wishes you would when you roll your eyes and thrust a box of tissues toward her.

“Quit it and blow your nose.” She eyes you as she plucks a tissue, folding it up and bringing it to her nose. She blows hard, making the most pitiful sound as she wipes her nose. As she reaches over to throw it away in the trash bag by the bed, her eyes glow suddenly and the whole bag disappears, along with the used tissue in her hand.

The both of you freeze, staring at the place where the bag once sat in silent suspense.

“Where did it go?” you ask quietly.

Wanda shakes her head gently. “I don't know, but I think that's for the best.”

You nod slowly. “Okay, then.”

Wanda's magic has been acting up since she got sick. You don't know what to expect, and you're slowly teaching yourself not to question things.

Wanda lathers a generous amount of sanitizer in her hands and then picks up the remote once more. She hits play as the movie starts up again and she sits back. You take the remote, turning it completely off this time.

She looks at you, both offended and confused. “Hey–”

“You need to sleep,” you tell her, determined.

“But–”

“Move over.”

She pouts, genuinely worried this time 

“I don't want to get you sick.”

You pull back the covers, “If I get sick, then I'll just make you take care of me.” You point at her. “Now move over and let me get in with you.”

“Honey–”

You scoop her up and deposit her a little further on the other side of the bed before crawling in yourself. You wrap your arms around her aching body and lay your head against the pillow. Wanda immediately melts against you, accepting your warmth as the deepest sigh eases from her body.

You feel the mattress beneath you slowly start to warm, a very steady heat that adds to both your comfort as you cuddle her closer. Enjoying the moment, your words come out more as a mumble. “Better?”

“Mmm.”

You smile a bit, carding your fingertips through some of her hair. “Can you sleep for me now, sweetheart?”

She glances up at you through heavy lids. Even the gentle light of the bedside lamp illuminating the light dust of freckles over her cheeks. “Can you sing to me?”

You'd like nothing more.

You reach over and turn off the lamp, allowing the calm darkness of the night to wash over the both of you. A gentle song arises from your throat as you begin to hum “L-O-V-E” in the quietest voice you can manage. It's one of her favorite songs, and she's moments away from rest already.

You continue to run your fingers through her hair, ignoring the slight ache in the back of your throat that you've been ignoring for the past couple of hours. You'll make Wanda hold you when you wake up in the morning with her cold.

please support your content creators and give your feedback!

#wanda maximoff #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff fluff #wanda maximoff fanfiction #wanda maximoff drabble

[clhampir]

one of my least favorite themes about the internet lately is non-american people complaining that americans are talking about american-centric issues on the internet and being like "nOt EvErYtHiNg ReVoLvEs ArOuNd YoU iDiOtS" and it's like. yeah buddy. that's why we didn't apply it to anywhere else in the world. we're talking about the specific issues we are facing as americans living in the states. the reading comprehension is atrocious

#like idk how to tell you that not every american you interact with is gonna be living a rich life in a mega mansion free from strife #the vast majority of us are living under a religious rule disguised as democracy with our own police force killing us in droves every day #your biased view of the states as this place with no pain and suffering is harmful and people are dying in our streets #and its always from these people who think they're communists who care about the collective good and i just. man. i don't understand #i don't understand the disconnect. we're a part of this conversation too the real issues we face are getting real people killed #especially when its coming from leftist non-americans to leftists americans. its like #you KNOW i don't support my country why are you berating me for talking about the real problems we're facing? #individual leftist americans don't make the policies that are killing other countries and i think those conversations are allowed to be two #separate entities without people screaming at us for talking about the atrocities we're facing just bc our government that we have lost #control of is doing things we do not consent or agree to #like fuck dude. americans are still PEOPLE #we are still SUFFERING #and to be clear this isn't to take away from suffering from anyone else this is specifically about when someone from the states complains #about something happening IN THE STATES and non-americans butt in to make a comment about it not being all about us like #baby WHAT #anyways whatever i'm tired i'm going to bed

[silverskye13]

In which there is talk of the tournament.

#the barking writer #redstone and skulk #helsknight #tanguish #evil beezuma #the hand #hels!martyn #head in hands crying sobbing kicking screaming #this chapter is done it can't hurt me anymore #please take it away #im tired of working on it #im tired of being mad at it and deleting it and rewriting it over and over #i don't care if its good or if its bad i care that its the last time i'm trying to write it #its posted its done it cant hurt me any more #i don't retcon things that are posted i refuse to roll this rock up the hill #one must pity sysiphus that he didn't get wise like me #anyway i'm going to bed #im so sorry if it's not good or not what you expected or whatever #what matters is i have moved on to a different ring of hell #you understand

[deoidesign]

.

#ok finally making a post about meds #I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without' #I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk. #can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset #so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but #it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways #so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone #like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work... #for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well! #it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus #my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night #sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired #it was more something that I just did because I had to. #but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end... #I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too. #but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted #but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk. #anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too #but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared #so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow #anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING #that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up #I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world #and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better. #but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on #and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much. #and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so... #I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better. #and I'm just crying because of all this combined. #I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!

[yangjeongin]

FELIX | FINDING SKZ: GET EDITION ( EP. 1 )

#felix #stray kids #bystay #createskz #lee felix #*gif #*ccarly #*felix #*carly:felix #these don't match whatever i'm tired adasdgasdg #once again going back to my roots of making everything too red #kinda getting some kingdom gifset flashbacks with this one very reminiscent of the last episode....or whatever that set was... #anyway i meant to go to bed earlier today but i'm gonna be busy today and i started this set and wanted to finish asdfasgdgasd #i was so sleepy early but now i'm awake...cry

[ridiculously-over-obsessed]

I swear, this is the last ever New Year that I ring in with people who don't value me or my time and efforts. This is the last year that I spend the holidays etc feeling utterly despondant and miserable. This is the last time I spend the 2 weeks that encompass Christmas, New Years, and my birthday with my cunt of a mother and sister. They have had almost 25 of them in some way or another, and this is their last. I'm done.

#max rambles a lot #pissed off exhausted and ready to go to bed now tbh #i worked really hard to try and make the most of the fact that i'm stuck with them #i bought us some fun card games for xmas to try and give us something to do together #and they just half heartedly sulked through it and then pissed off upstairs again less than an hour later #i'm done trying and i'm done caring #if i'm ringing in the new year by myself then so be it #seems a fitting end to this crap shoot of a year tbh #like it would be one thing if i was choosing to spend it by myself #but yeah i've put a lot of effort into trying to make the best out of this and they just both fucked off #mums watching whatever bs tv show she like this week and furthering her emotional affair with a married man #my sister who said she was tired and wanted a nap is actually on a discord call and yelling and laughing and screaming with her friends #so yeah fuck em i'm done making an effort to make things nice or easy or whatever #fuck 2023 tbh what an absolute cunter of a year #gonna make myself a drink and see if i can write anymore of this current chapter of tmwyh(icfit) #might get it out in the first couple of days of 2024 who knows #anyway happy new year ig

[mildmayfoxe]

you guys would not fucking believe it but i just counted all the prints ive been doing in the past week and a half and it's 109 counting some journals i threw some cover prints on. and 43 of them were two color so really 152!!!!! no wonder i've been feeling fucking crazy!!!

#i just remmbered that i have to edition them all too i can't even relax because they're done AHHHH #i'm so tired i feel so fuckin overworked bro. hell on EARTH!! whatever #it's so funny tho bc i had extra black ink out earlier and i was like what should i print with this #and then i had to be like 'nothing i do not have space to put any more prints' #my entire print rack is full and i have another 30+ on my clotheslines across my closet. NO MORE ROOM #anyway hope you guys buy stuff when i post about my holiday sale on friday. #even though i'm not looking forward to having all those orders either but at least people will appreciate my hard work #chatpost #ok anyway. i'm going to go to bed. BYE

[maranull]

I know I've said I'm not writing a full x reader fic, but listening to girl in red's watch you sleep is really pushing it.

I might. Might! Give in and do a small one-shot around the song with Meli.

#or maybe i'm just tired and feeling feelings or whatevers #i dunno #tbh i'll probably write it #then get way too self-conscious about it and not publish it #we'll see #i don't know honestly #just #hmm #i dunno for sure #anyway #i need to go to bed #sheesh #personal

[running-in-the-dark]

just almost dropped a glass I was holding and the panicked feeling I got from it was so bad I almost passed out lol

I guess it's time for bed

#like that feeling when you miss the last step when you're walking down some stairs #except a thousand times stronger #like someone punched me right in the brain #not fun! #also I actually had my arms full of more (drinking) glasses. and almost dropped all of them trying to catch the one that fell #did manage to catch it and nothing broke! somehow! except my brain!! #sooo lightheaded now lol #but I'm tired anyway so whatever guess I'm going to bed #personal

[violetsareblue-selfships]

good morning! <3

#i wanna go back to bed #i had to go chase after my dog bc my dad accidentally let her out the front door and :/ #i'm so tired and i haven't even been up thirty minutes yet #i just wanna restart the day #at least it's amber's birthday ^-^ #anyway... same old same old for the goals for today #though it's thursday - i doubt i'll wanna play extra hsr besides my dailies but we'll see #anyway i hope you all have a great day/night! <3 #morning rambles #(i always feel weird complaining in these rambles but like they're /rambles/ so it's not a promise of positivity...) #(just whatever i'm thinking about around when I wake up so *shrugs*) #also gonna go read through my dash now - decided to make this post first heh

[ankle-beez]

(Read tags before interacting)

there are so many things i wanna say about people i used to be friends with but i try to keep this blog free from that kinda drama so I'll be the bigger person and avoid that kinda talk. I will say tho the one I had the most severe falling out (and made one of my friend circles incredibly hostile in the last couple months we were friends with them) currently ships Minecraft streamers together and defends Dream every time he fucks up horribly so i came out the other end unscathed

#angel.post #if you know who I'm talking about please dont mention them or @ them or anything #just wanted to put this out there cuz i was tired and spiteful #also if i get follow-up questions about this i may or may not answer them depending on how i feel and/or how specific they are #i normally don't ask for much on my posts but im being serious this time and I'd appreciate if you all followed through on it ♥ #anyway im going to bed now. I'll deal with whatever comes of this in the morning good night

[aro-aizawa]

i swear the absolute HEIGHT of total happiness is when a long fic wraps up with a wonderfully happy ending

#shut up danni's talking #it is literally the pure unrestrained delight of wish fulfillment #you've gone on this big huge long journey with these characters through all the struggles and hardships #you've seen every time these characters stumble and you've seen them doubt themselves #and yet. and yet there is always happiness. there will always be happiness. #it makes my heart so overwhelmingly light with joy and it tints my world view with such wonderful shades of roses #my face aches with how much i'm smiling as the story wraps up and how light and free my whole body feels #i want to jump up and skip with how happy i feel #even if usually whenever i do end up finishing these long fics/series/whatever i'm always so tired #because i'd've stayed up and powered through to the very end so i could lay in bed and just... soak in the bliss #i think. it's my life goal to make something that inspires the same thing in others. #i cannot begin to even emphasize how much love i feel in my heart right now for so many things #i want to speak long flowery words of praise for hours because of how overjoyed i feel #and i know its just a shadow of a thing. the biggest escape possible but by god i will take whatever pockets of sheer joy i experience #i'll hold them so tight and i will defend these with great passion because no matter how insignificant the source #i want to bask in this feeling for as long and as often as i like #so here's my recommendation: if you're the kind of person who can get completely absorbed by something like i do #and you have a long thing that you've been eyeing but the length intimidates you then absorb it anyway #take that chance that the thing you're slightly iffy on will be worth it because ohhh chase that feeling whenever you can #that is hopefully my final nugget of words that i give you otherwise i can and will go on forever

[custer-mp3]

YEAAAAAH BABY THAT’S THE STUFF

#anyway. about to try a new brace but it's gonna be 97 degrees here all week & i already feel like i'm being hit with a bat repeatedly #like all my injuries are all ON at FULL BLAST on top of the swelling pain and whatever my feet are doing #i'm getting nerve shocks in my hands too #ON TOP OF MY ENTIRE RIGHT HAND FEELING LIKE A BALL OF CHEWED MEAT DUE TO AN INJURY SUSTAINED IN 2018 #my fkn BINGO WINGS hurt and i have never even injured those #i am going to have a 🙂 full scale 🙂 mental 🙂 breakdown by wednesday at the latest #truly be lucky if i make it through the next 48 hrs without landing in the ER as a hazard to myself cuz everything hurts just too damn much #i'm already at the 'scared to sleep' portion of the festivities cuz for DAYS i have been TRYING to sleep and not actually been able to sleep #cuz it's already too hot (moderate 80s) and hurts too bad #thursday night i slept in 15 minute increments #friday night was a little better i got like. an hour to an hour and a half at a time. #then yesterday i slept all day in 20-50 minute bursts and when i went to bed i once again slept in 15-30 minute increments #it's too hot i'm in too much pain there is no comfortable position nothing that can be done with the pillows. nothing #so lmaoooooooooo i'm scared to even TRY to sleep tonight cuz i know if it doesn't work i'm gonna SNAP but i'm already so so tired so like #truly have no choice #WORKED OPEN TO CLOSE TODAY 🌈 GONNA DO THE SAME THING TOMORROW 🌈 THEN HAVE 2 DAYS OFF WHEREIN I TRY TO REST BUT JUST LAY HERE & SWEAT & GR #OAN IN PAIN 🌈🌈🌈🌈 #I LOVE BEING ALIVE EXISTENCE IS IN NO WAY A BURDEN #thanks domestic violence!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 🌈

[abrushwithdeath]

Love is such a central part of her character, I feel. But not... not in the way it should be, perhaps. It's difficult for her when things get real because, suddenly, that's another weak point to be exploited- by others, by the person she loves. She’s not afraid of much, but vulnerability and, by extension, love, terrifies her. And yet, she craves it. It creates this kind of cognitive dissonance, her actions and her thoughts don’t always align, and that can be absolutely devastating, not just to her but to the people she loves. She has survived abandonment. Been discarded, been disowned for things she couldn’t control, had no say in. She has been picked back up and pieced back together... only to then live with love that is limited and conditional; easily discarded like it, and she, never meant a damned thing. She has had her love manipulated and warped and weaponized- the never ending search for approval from others like a drug. And yet she's stuck in the mindset of self sufficiency. She doesn't WANT to need anyone... Even though she strives to find meaning outside of herself, in others. In what she can do for them. In how she can give herself up to them. While her own love knows few limits (she tries to hold grudges, but offers forgiveness too easily- her relationship with Mystique is a prime example), her personal perception of how others love her is cemented in how useful she can be to them. A means to an end. And she doesn’t want that to be the case, of course. She wants love that is limitless. Love that doesn’t require her to constantly be walking a thin, winding, line of suitability. In fact, she strives against all of it, against being used, presses upon herself the need for independence. I have this page I’m writing up for her (it’s a basic bio), and in it I wrote: “self reliance assures self preservation” because that’s how she thinks... but she also falters in that time and again because she wants to be self reliant, yes; however, she has a hard time with actually committing to it. So she wavers. Hot and cold, so to speak. One moment she’s all in, giving her everything to someone. And the next? She’s pulling away as if she’s been burned. And the littlest things can set it off, push her from a place of comfort to a place of fear. In the comics she has often left Re//my for that exact reason- because things got too real, she gets too attached, he gets too close. Because in that propinquity she catches a glimpse at a piece of him that makes her feel like he’s only going to hurt her, or she him. It’s an excuse to step back, to walk away, to escape. Re//my caught onto that game quickly, and he loves her enough to offer her the space she needs, but he’s smart enough to often come to her first because he knows that if he doesn’t, she won’t come back. She gets so caught in her head, in these thoughts that she’s protecting both his heart and her own by keeping away, even when that couldn’t be further from the truth. And it’s the same in most of her relationships at some point or another. It’s hard to picture her being absolutely, unquestioningly, confident in a relationship when every time she’s felt comfortable with love it’s suddenly been ripped out from under her.  Add to all of this the fact that, emotionally, she’s stunted, still childish to a degree, especially when she’s younger- late teens, early 20s, still trying to figure herself out, still dealing with what she has been and who she wants to be. Her anger was fed and, like her love, weaponized from early on. It became a substitute for every other, harder to bear, emotion. She’s sad? Hurt? Heartbroken? It bleeds into anger and aggression more often than not. Even something as small as confusion can cause impatience and, to a degree, vexation. She can’t help it. In a respect, it’s how she’s been trained. To lash out. To wield her emotions like a blade. They wanted her to be angry because then they could aim that at their intended target, let her take it out in brawls that left her battered and empty, regardless of whether she won or lost. As she gets older, she gets better about all of that- the fear of love, the way she handles her emotions. She grows more comfortable with herself. Finds a way to take a step back and collect herself and try to place what she’s feeling and why she’s feeling it. She’s got a better handle, in general, on her emotions over time. It’s what, eventually, helps her learn to control her powers (to varying degrees at different times, mind you). It’s also why there does, in time, come a point that she marries Re//my and feels safe in their relationship. Of course, she still finds hesitations in her marriage sometimes because that’s never going to leave her entirely, I don’t think. It is such an engrained thing at this point that it’s hard to separate it from the rest of herself. It’s practically instinct. But that doesn’t mean that she loves in halves. She can’t. It’s an all consuming thing for her. To put it simply: she’s ride or die to the furthest extreme. To the point of telling Re//my “While I live, you don’t die”. To the point of throwing herself atop him so that they are impaled together. They die together. Because that’s how she shows love. Affection, itself, is difficult for her. More so when she can’t even touch the people she loves, feels detached from them because of it. There’s always a gap. A space between her and everyone else. A distance she can only bridge through carrying their burdens, through some form of self-sacrifice: whether that means literally sacrificing herself in the name of keeping them safe (in the name of proving her love), or even something as simple as suffocating her own emotions, her wants and needs, her concerns and fears and even her joys, to assure that the other person’s needs are met first. She is absolutely all in. ...until she realizes the power that that gives the other person. Then she quickly reels back. It’s cyclical, and it’s hard as hell to get her to break that cycle because she’s lived it her whole life, so much so that it’s become a comfort.

It’s... hard to explain the exact way her brain works, how it’s reacting. Like, I know that this probably all sounds convoluted and confusing to a degree (so if you’ve bothered reading even part of this- kudos to you <3 Seriously <3) But she perceives love as this unattainable goal, this pure, beautiful, little piece of nirvana... and she also perceives it as destruction. It’s empty and cold and cruel and manipulative and meaningless. It exists in both spaces simultaneously, as something to strive for and something to be avoided at all costs. Again- it’s all contradictory and she knows this. Even in her own head she can’t make sense of it. And it’s why she chooses to pull away even when she doesn’t want to. Because there’s a disconnect while these two conflicting ideas tumble around in already mixed up, fucked up, head. And I just hate and love that about her. Because these complexities are so intriguing and yet so frustrating. 

#ooc. #cw long post #long post #long post cw #((I'm tossing this under a read more AND tagging it in the hopes I'm not #gonna accidentally clog up someone's dash with my stupid headcanoning lol #But anyway- if you bother reading all of this you're the real mvp bc literally I'm the only person who probably cares about any of this lol #I just have a lot of feelings about her conflict with love and affection because there's so much nuance to it #and I feel like people who don't really pay mind to her character overlook it as her being frigid or just straight up annoying or whatever #when there's SO MUCH to it. #Tho also that could just be me digging too deep but ya know. It's fun for me and that's what matters.)) #((Also yes I spent the last hour just typing this all out instead of doing anything productive #and now I'm tired so I might go to bed. But I love ya'll lots <3)) #musings.