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sunbeamstress · 4 months

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let's look at the coastline in elden ring.

it's tricky if you hit it at the wrong time of day; the simulatedly foggy marine layer glows the same color as the horizon so you end up letting torrent run off the edge like a fucking dufus. but sneak up on it when it's a little dark out, and there it is, just a chunk of the world razored off

but no if we want the main show, we have to aim the camera downward like so

what i think is most interesting about the abyss in elden ring is that it being entirely and unconvincingly simulated doesn't do a thing to mitigate the uncanny valley dread of it

when you fall off of something in this game, gravity chucks you like brock fucking lesnar, your character having precious little inertia, their falling animation not quite matching up with their bearing and angle. they sorta stay upright, puppetlike

if you want to take this journey with me, you gotta wonder what happens when your little elden ring girlie falls off the edge but she doesn't die. the death camera stays in place, fixed right over the ocean's surface, still half-aimed at the eerie undersea drop, while the tarnished vanishes into the black

it's a scary enough proposition in real life. what i think really kicks this concept across the line into nightmare fuel is the constraint of janky video game physics, the weird way you drop through the water without any convincing representation of fluid resistance. it's hard not to imagine falling like that forever

when i was your age, whippersnappers, we didn't have any fancy schmancy backrooms. we had ecco the dolphin's open ocean level:

this is the video game that taught me what thalassaphobia means.

ecco is an infuriating but beautiful puzzle/exploration type deal where you play as a cute lil dolphin. most of its stages consist of gorgeously-drawn undersea caverns, coral reefs, lush and overgrown lagoons, etc etc.

i don't know how it ends, though, because at some point you have to play Open Ocean

the scenery drops out entirely, leaving your lil dolphin self stranded out in an endless, monotonous scroll of deep blue. water filters in murkily from the surface in pale white, plummeting its way down a crispy noise-diffusion layer of darker and darker blues

open ocean.

i couldn't handle this. i'd gamely attempt the level, careening to the right as fast as my rubbery little body could move, but i'd get more and more anxious until i had to pause the game and turn it off. i couldn't really understand what the game was doing to me

i tried again a few times. skimming the bottom felt like the natural move, there being a minimal but ever so slightly comforting texture scroll of coral reef, but the problem was the sharks. sega genesis only had 256-320 pixels of horizontal screen space to work with, so flying madly around the place felt like swimming blind; i'd always smack facefirst into a shark and freak out.

the surface wasn't much more comforting

i remember this being a weird turning point in the game's tone. it's warm and vibrant and so utterly normal up until this level. and then suddenly it's this eerie music that never gives you a moment to rest, and an empty, alien sky with a diffuse light that comes from nothing, and artificial-looking silvery waves that repeat onward and onward and onward

elden ring's water looks realistic enough; your brain can agree ah yes, that is water without too much trouble. that it does look real enough is the problem, because if you can trust that it's water, you can trust that it'll act like water. it's creepy because when you fall through it like it's nothing more than fog, the reassuring illusion it provides of a physical medium you could swim through is shattered. you don't realize you're plummeting into a bottomless pit until you're already plummeting into the bottomless pit

by contrast, ecco's water is creepy because the illusion is never there to begin with. up until now the water has held to certain rules: you can go in any direction, you can leap across the surface, and your world is reasonably constrained by the ocean floor. open ocean takes away the floor, save for a vague hint of it at the bottom - yet it still feels like you could swim down forever if you wanted. also it throws sharks at you

these are mostly weirdo thoughts i kept to myself for most of my life, except for a stint back on the early days of reddit where i wrote a little essay about thalassaphobia on r/gaming. people seemed to get it

i was pleased as punch when eventually the concept of liminal spaces had penetrated the internet's public awareness. it gave language to something i understood but could never really ideate! not only was i able to understand why the safeway parking lot in tucson unnerved the shit out of me, but also i recognized at once that the ill-defined boundaries of ecco's open ocean and elden ring's jarringly bottomless sea cliffs were prime examples of artificial liminal spaces. the concept was definitely too abstract for the web and eventually it got diluted into horror game schlock fuel, but early on they had the right idea in that these spaces could invoke feelings of fear, loneliness, sadness, wistfulness, curiosity, more.

i think it's really neat that video games can do that, too. here's my very favorite liminal space:

if i had the wherewithal, i would have made this a little embedded video with sound, so you could hear the crunchy 8-bit din of the ocean in this weird little corner of the original legend of zelda. little 4-6 year old me loved to park link on this sliver of a mountain path and just kinda vibe here.

this screen's tilemap was so ruthlessly simple that you can't help but fill in the details in your mind's eye. isolated from the rest of the map, there's no telling if this little chunk of black/orange/yellow rock is meant to be a cliff looming over the sea, or some kind of depression in a sort of seaside crag, or perhaps something stranger still, known only to the japanese gentlemen who plotted it out.

my preferred mental image was that of link winding his way up a path no wider than he, carved into the surface of this enormous rocky monolith. in this context the path's presence in the foreground makes it feel as if it's somehow 'hidden' from the ocean, a safe refuge, free of meddling octoroks and zoras, to recuperate, soak in the sunlight, and from a secretive vantage, look out over a span of nearly-blank water that must go on forever.

i feel like this part of zelda is supposed to invoke the same thalassaphobic response i get from elden ring and from ecco the dolphin, but the presence of the cliffside, and more specifically the way the path is couched toward its center, makes it feel like we're regarding the ocean from far, far above. it might go on endlessly baby, and beyond its reaches the world might be nothing but vapor, but we're safe up here. the weird high concept void can't get us

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bangtiddies · 5 years

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Sleeping Beauty

Pairing: Jungkook x unnamed female OC Genre: Heavy Angst, bittersweet fluff Words: 2,038 Warnings: major character death, (unnamed) terminal illness, bittersweet reminiscence

Summary: “One morning, I’ll open my eyes, and you’ll no longer be in this world.”

Note: Inspired by SEKAI NO OWARI’s 眠り姫 (Nemuri Hime/Sleeping Princess)

The room is cold and lonely. There’s no sound, just dead silence, the only sound heard from time to time being people walking in and out of the room. The room is too clean for Jungkook’s liking, too white, too bare, too unfamiliar. It’s devoid of personality, nothing there to express the beauty of the person occupying the room.

Perhaps other people also notice the lack of personality in the hospital room. Flowers of different colours and shapes decorate the room, get well soon cards scattered across most surfaces. But no matter how many flowers and cards come flooding in, the room still feels empty, sad, and lonely.

Jungkook dreaded this moment. The moment his whole world falls apart. The moment his life changes forever. The moment he knew was going to happen as soon as they found out about the illness, but he constantly wished would never happen.

The moment his best friend is admitted to hospital, pale and frail in the middle of the room on the pristine white hospital bed, on the verge of closing her eyes and never opening them again.

Jungkook vows to never leave her side while she’s the in hospital, but he doesn’t like being here. He doesn’t like that she’s there, lying almost lifeless in the bed. The hospital room doesn’t suit her.

The room is cold and lonely. A sick, frail body lies in the middle of the room, on the pristine white hospital bed.

Growing up, they spent a lot of time together.

They would go on adventures in the nearby parks, imagining up long journeys of fighting dragons and finding the hero’s sword. They were always the heroes together, holding hands through fields and forests as they dreamed up their fantasy worlds.

They had good days and bad days; days where they cried on each other’s shoulders and supported each other; days where they cheered in triumph after defeating the big boss in a video game; days where they lied beneath the stars, pointing out all the constellations they knew.

Jungkook can’t believe that he might have to spend those days alone, her hand no longer intertwined with his.

He must’ve spent a few days there, at the hospital, because one day, she turns to look at him and smiles at him. But her eyes are filled with worry.

“Jungkook,” she says, voice hoarse. She looks so frail, so sick, so different to how he knows her. Sometimes, he finds it hard to believe that it’s his best friend there in the pristine white hospital bed. Sometimes, he can’t recognise her. Because the sick, frail person isn’t the lively girl he always knew.

“Hmm?” he answers, not taking his eyes off her. He needs to spend every moment he can with her.

“Go home,” she whispers, “take a shower, have a good rest.”

Jungkook shakes his head, “no. I’m staying here with you. I’m not leaving you.”

“It’s okay,” she laughs, it sounds shaky, and Jungkook wishes to be able to hear the lively laugh she used to laugh, just one more time, “it’s not like I’m going anywhere else.”

He doesn’t know why he does it. But an hour later, when she falls asleep on the pristine white hospital bed, he decides to go home to take a shower. Just for her.

Jungkook was five years old when he first met her.

He had gone to the nearby park with his brother, determined to collect bugs together. Only they ended up not collecting bugs that day because they made new friends at the park.

She was one of them.

There were about six of them – including Jungkook and his brother – and they all decided to strengthen their friendship by playing a game of hide and seek. While his brother (who lost paper-scissors-rock) counted to fifty, Jungkook ran as far as his little legs could run. He found a tree in the little forestry area next to the park, one that would be easy to climb with his little legs, and hurriedly scrambled upon the first branch he could reach. As he climbed higher up the tree, he noticed another pair of legs dangling off a high branch of the tree.

“Oh!” he let out a surprised sound.

“Shhh!” she shushed, putting an index finger against her lips, narrowing her eyes at him. Jungkook nodded and places an index finger against his lips too. After a small moment of them staring, with Jungkook being a little intimidated, she offered him her hand. He hesitated a little, staring at her with curious doe eyes, before shyly grabbing her hand and letting her pull him up onto the same branch she was sitting on.

They didn’t let go of each other’s hands, still gripping them as they sat upon the tree.

His brother teased Jungkook all day after he found them, and although Jungkook blushed and denied any claims of, ‘K-I-S-S-I-N-G,’ he felt chuffed that he made a new friend.

Jungkook played hide and seek with her again the next day, and many more days after that.

It’s so odd, seeing his best friend in a wheelchair. But the bright smile is back on her face, her energy and excitement high, that Jungkook couldn’t say anything.

In a way, he’s just as excited as she was; the doctor had granted her one day out, so long as she’s in the wheelchair and to come home as soon as she felt tired. Her face brightened up at the news, a wide smile Jungkook hadn’t seen in such a long time, and she planned her whole day out to be with Jungkook.

Jungkook would be lying if he didn’t say he was chuffed that she chose to spend her whole free day out of the hospital with him.

She says she wants to go to the park again. The park where they met. And so, he drives her there, where she sings along to music and laughs in the passenger seat. If it weren’t for her frail body and her wristband, the moment would have been just like the times before she fell ill. It was obvious that they both were trying so hard to ignore all details of her illness and the looming reality that she would return to the hospital that evening.

They reach the park where they first met, a world that looked so big to them many years ago looking so small now. He pushes her around the park, pointing out places where they used to play, laughing at fond memories.

He knows, by the tears welling up in her eyes, that she’s trying not to cry. And if she starts to cry, Jungkook knows that he’s definitely going to cry with her.

But she sniffs a little instead, wiping her eyes with her sleeves before looking up to Jungkook with a smile.

“Can I request one more place?” she asks.

“Yeah sure,” Jungkook answers, smiling at her. I’ll take you anywhere if I can for you, he thinks.

“Can we go to our rock?”

“Our rock?”

“Yeah, our rock. At the beach,” her smile is bright, as if she hadn’t been almost-crying just a moment ago, “let’s watch the sunset together.”

Jungkook would’ve been sixteen years old when he fell properly in love with her.

He’d always had a minor crush on her; even his brother could tell. But it wasn’t until his sixteenth birthday, when she arrived looking beautiful and like an angel sent from heaven, that he knew that he was in love with her.

He never got to confess his feelings to her.

There was a day when he almost did, about a year after his birthday, when they were sitting on their rock at the beach in the summer and staring at the sunset while their family cleaned up the barbeque. They’ve spent many evenings here before, sitting on the massive, smooth rock together that they both claimed when they were kids.

Every time the sun was setting, she looked at it like it was the first time ever; marvelling at the beautiful pink and orange sky above them. This time was no different, as she gasped loudly and watched the sunset with stars in her eyes.

“Jungkook! Look at the view!” she exclaimed with a wide smile, standing on the rock and putting her arms out, breathing in the fresh salty air.

He looked up and stared at her side profile, while she was looking out to the sunset, and smiled at how beautiful she looked. He softly said her name and she turned to look at him, sitting back down and staring into his eyes. Waiting for him to say something.

He was so close to confessing. So close to saying the words that had bubbled up inside of him since his sixteenth birthday. So close to saying them out loud.

But his father had called him over to help them out with packing away the chilly bin. And so, he stored away his confession, determined to say it when the next opportunity came.

The next opportunity never came.

He should have let her know, at least.

He should have confessed.

They reached the beach just before sunset. Pink and orange fill the sky, looking like a beautiful painting above them. Jungkook takes the wheelchair out of the boot but she shakes her head, asking if she could sit on the rock. Their rock.

So, he carries her to their rock, and they sit there together, intertwining their hands. Watching the sun disappear into the ocean. He looks over at her, like he did all those years ago when he almost confessed his feelings for her.

He wants to. Right now, he really wants to let her know. He wants to tell her what he should’ve when he was seventeen, all those years ago when they were sitting in the same place they are now.

But she looks back at him with a smile, squeezing his hand lightly. And from the glistening tears in her eyes, from the love she sends him, he knows. He knows that she knows.

“Thank you, Jungkook.”

Jungkook! Look at the view!

“Thank you for loving me.”

They let Jungkook stay over at in her hospital room that night.

He knows why.

She knows why.

She’s ecstatic though, a smile on her face as she chatters animatedly to Jungkook until she falls asleep.

He watches her fall asleep on the pristine white hospital bed.

He watches her for a little while longer, taking in her beauty while she sleeps.

He tries to focus on her heartbeat as he lies on the fold out bed next to her.

He tries to fall asleep to the sound her breathing.

He tries not to cry himself to sleep that night.

It’s 5:23 a.m.

The room is filled with silent sobs and anticipation. A body lies in the middle of the room, on the pristine white hospital bed.

Jungkook feels like all the air has been sucked out of his lungs. There’s no emotion in his body, the situation yet to process in his mind. He stares blankly at what used to be his lively best friend.

The rest is a blur. A man in a white coat – a doctor, Jungkook’s mind manage to process – walks in and talks to her parents. Jungkook doesn’t process what the doctor says, only continues to stare at the pristine white hospital bed. The doctor walks to the body on the bed, to her, and checks her pulse. The man sighs and with a remorse look, turns to the people in the room.

The next words from the doctor, Jungkook hears clearly.

“I am sorry for your loss.”

The doctor leaves after documenting the death, her death, and Jungkook has difficulty breathing. Once the doctor is out of the room, Jungkook bursts into tears.

I am sorry for your loss.

Your loss.

Loss.

He’ll never forget the wail of her mother, as she grips her husband and grieves the death of her daughter.

The room is filled with wails and tears. A lifeless body lies in the middle of the room, on the pristine white hospital bed.

A thing of beauty is a joy forever. - John Keats

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jewish-gay-elves · 3 years

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Oh, Calamity

“I don’t believe in the Maker,” he says, breaking the silence that followed your coupling.

A soulmate/reincarnation au fic where I play around with the idea of soulmates without identifying marks or timers that have to find each other every lifetime!

Words: 4803, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 3 of the Stephan Cousland: There's Never Much of a Choice for You

Fandoms: Dragon Age: Origins, Dragon Age (Video Games) Rating: General Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Categories: M/M Characters: Alistair (Dragon Age), Male Cousland, Goldanna, Cailan Theirin, Anora Mac Tir Relationships: Alistair/Warden (Dragon Age), Alistair/Male Warden (Dragon Age), Alistair/Cousland, Alistair/Male Cousland Additional Tags: ok just wanted to cover all my bases on the ship tags lol, also goldanna/cailan/anora's presences in the fic are v limited, like a sentence each p much, Songfic, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Soulmates, Alternate Universe - Reincarnation, Reincarnation, please let me know if there should be more tags!, also please ask if you have questions!

“I don’t believe in the Maker,” he says, breaking the silence that followed your coupling. You lift your head and rest your chin on his chest, mulling over his words. Morrigan is always scolding you for saying the first thing to come to mind, and this feels like it requires a more thoughtful approach.

“Okay,” you say, and it is. Truly, it is okay. His belief or lack thereof in the Maker has no impact on how much you both care about each other. Your own faith in in the Maker hasn’t been the most unshakeable, who are you to decide whether or not he’s wrong? You can feel the tension in the arm he has around your waist lessen until his grip is as gentle as it was before. He was never really one to go in the Chantry and it makes sense to you now why not. You thought he just wasn’t really one for all the anti-magic shtick that they preach.

“One of my tutors, he came from Rivain,” he begins, offering an explanation. “While we still had Aldous, my parents wanted Fergus and me to have a more rounded education. He kept his lessons mostly academic, but I enjoyed his company so much I often stayed after and he told me of Rivain and their beliefs,”

You rest your cheek against his chest again, still listening but curling closer to him. He waited a minute, just listening to you breathe before continuing.

“He said that everything in Thedas and beyond were made of energy. Humans, elves, dwarves, qunari, and all the other beings. That energy exists in a cycle. Once the energy in a being has been exhausted in say, an old man, it would go then to a newborn. This continues the cycle, with the same energy and souls from before, just reborn. He said the stress of childbirth erased the memories from the past life, making it harder to remember things from before,” he explained.

“Have you ever remembered anything from one of your past lives?” you asked, wondering if stray dreams may have influenced his belief in the Rivaini.

“No, and I doubt I will remember anything from before. This is a fairly new line of thinking in Ferelden and if it’s true I doubt that any of my past lives believed in it. I think that increases the chance of never remembering those lives, just thinking that nothing came before solidifies the experiences in this time. As sad as it sounds I’m not even sure I’d like to remember those lives,” he said, puzzling you.

“Well, why not?” you ask, lifting your head to look at him again.

“I can’t know if those lives were as lucky as this one to have been able to find you,” he says, lifting a hand to your cheek as you two look at each other. You both lean in for a kiss and you think to yourself that it’s hard to imagine never meeting him in any kind of life.

When I was younger I was certain I’d be fine without a Queen Just a king inside his castle, with an ocean in between Now all I do is sit and count the miles from you to me Oh, Calamity!

You sit on your throne, looking out at the crowd gathered in light of festivities. Teagan stands by your side, Maker bless him. Eamon and young Connor are back in Redcliffe, Isolde caught fever and Connor insisted Eamon stay with them until she recovered. The other nobles are all drinking heavily, well into their cups and you are painfully aware of the missing Arl of Amaranthine. You know he passed on the title back to the Howes and Nathaniel years ago before he even began his search for a cure but, he should be here.

You can see Fergus from your throne speaking to the nobles around him, some minor lordlings from South Reach looks like. They must be discussing politics for you can see Fergus’ top lip twitching. His brother had the same twitch that tells when either of them are about to seal a good deal. Probably speaking of possible marriage arrangements for Fergus’ boy.

You wonder if he thinks about his first son often but as the lordlings turn to retrieve more drinks you see a wave of grief pass over his face before the mask is back in place. You were able to return Highever to the Couslands but in the years since you’ve wondered if they even wanted it back. Nothing either of them said to you indicated otherwise but whenever you visit and they are both there they get certain looks on their faces. As if they were forced to eat Orleisian cheeses.

He must have noticed your eyes on him because Fergus turns to look up to where you sit. The grief is still in his eyes as he gives you a nod before returning to the festivities. You always wondered if he blamed you for having to remarry and raise heirs, knowing that his brother was otherwise occupied as Warden Commander and would never have given Highever heirs of his own willingly.

Seeing as you won’t be making heirs either and that the throne was mostly going to one of his sons you doubted that he could hate you forever. You make a mental note to later write to Fergus about the idea. Provided that you spoke to your fellow Warden about it as well. As soon as he returned of course. Because he would return, he’s the Hero of Fereldan for Maker’s sake, and also because you have had a cold spot in your bed for far too long. Teagan leans over and makes to whisper in your ear.

“Stop thinking about the Prince-Consort, you have the most unwelcoming look on your face,” he says before leaning back. You shoot him a grin upon seeing his sly smile.

“I’m that transparent am I?” you ask rhetorically, straightening your back with only two or three pops compared to the normal five or six. The chair (Eamon says you must refer to it as the throne but in all honesty, it’s just a chair) is far too uncomfortable and you wish said Prince-Consort was here to complain to but that will have to wait for another day.

We get older by the hour, watch the changes from afar. Keep forgetting to remember, where we’ve been is who we are. Now all I do is wonder why we ever set the scene Oh, Calamity

You lean against your shovel, looking up at the sky. Your eye is drawn to where they say the Breach once tore the heavens asunder. You think back to the stories the older servants tell of being children while the world was thrown into chaos by the Archdemon.

They say that among the rubble of the Temple of Sacred Ashes the Inquisitor arose as the Herald of Andraste with a hand sparkling green with ancient Elvhen magics. That they had been touched by Fen’Harel himself. Your knowledge of the Elvhen Parthenon is limited, but the savior of Thedas being touched by the Dread Wolf seemed a bit ironic to you.

It had been almost a century since the sky was closed by the might of the Inquisition and while it still had power, Ferelden no longer felt torn. Struggling to choose between the Inquisition and the throne. While the Inquisition started in Ferelden it had no power over country affairs. King Alistair and his Prince-Consort, may they rest at the Maker’s side, supported the Inquisition in that it would close the Breach was sure to remind them that true power in Ferelden laid with the crown.

To be honest you preferred the late monarchs of Ferelden, may they rest at the Maker’s side, to the Inquisition. The two surviving Grey Wardens of the Battle at Ostagar, saved by a Witch of the Wilds to unite Ferelden and prevent civil war in order to fight the darkspawn.

No one quite knows when or how the two Wardens got involved after ending the Fifth Blight, or whether or not they weren’t together before slaying the Archdemon. But they stood together against the nobles at the Landsmeet, declaring King Alistair the rightful heir and their engagement to each other. You always thought it was very romantic, the last two Grey Wardens standing together against nobles and darkspawn alike.

“What a lazy arse you are Marc!” a voice you recognize as Quint’s called from behind you. You turned to see him walking down the hill towards you, his hands dirty from where he was likely gardening in front of the main house all day, an equally dirty spade tucked between his belt and trousers. You gave him a smile as he approached, knowing that the work day was likely over and he was coming to collect you for dinner.

“I happen to know that you like my arse, whether it’s lazy or not,” you said back to him. Your mind’s eye flickered as he smirked at you, a delicate golden circlet with lavish jewels appearing on his head, the spade at his side now a decorated sword. You frowned, shaking your head to clear the vision. As he reached you he slid his arms around your waist.

“You alright, love?” he asked cautiously. You smiled for him, returning the gesture and wrapping your arms around him as well. You wondered if Quint had ever had a moment like that. As if a memory placed itself over the current view you had. Doubtful, Quint was likely more focused on his next meal.

“Fine, I’m fine. Just tired I guess,” you said blinking the strange vision out of your eyes. “Let’s go see what Cookie’s whipped up for tonight shall we?”

“Hey I heard that the Lord has a visitor from Rivain staying for a while,” He starts telling you earnestly, already coming up with all sorts of wild tales.

It’s such a shame that we play strangers No act to change what we’ve become Damn it’s such a shame that we built a wreck out of me Oh, Calamity.

“It’s not the first time I’ve had one of these visions Neil! There has to be some meaning behind them I just can’t figure out what!” you exclaim, curling your hands into fists against your temples. Neil sits on the cot a foot or so away from where you are curled in on yourself.

“Okay, okay, Wil I believe you,” he says extending his hands out in a placating manner. You peer at him, lifting your head from where you pushed it against your knees. He’s looking at you earnestly with his wide honest eyes and you find your initial fear of him ridiculing you disappearing.

“Just start from the beginning, when did they begin?” He asks you patiently. You take a deep breath and lower your arms to wrap around your calves. You collect your thoughts and decide to be honest.

“I think I’ve always had them, but I could never remember them until after I met you,” you start out. “It’s like I’m living another person’s life, but it just overlaps my own. I’ll see my papa start walking towards me but then his face isn’t his but instead its some Rivaini dressed in the Grey Warden uniform from before the Fifth Blight. My mother gets replaced by someone in servants clothing patting my cheek. And you, you have five different faces. All of them look like they lived centuries ago. There is maybe a century between each of them, with the oldest one from before the Breach.”

“Lived before the Breach? Wil that was back in what, 9:34 Dragon?” Neil says concern clear on his face.

“The Breach opened in 9:41 Dragon,” you correct him.

You’re scared to tell him that he doesn’t take on the face of just anyone from before the Fifth Blight but the face of the Warden who defeated that Blight. You’re scared to tell him that sometimes you look in the mirror and it’s not your face that greets you. That you have five different faces as well. And the oldest face that you see is one drawn in countless history books from the royal portrait archives to your classroom textbook. King Alistair, the last of the Theirins to sit on the throne before he gave it to his Prince-Consort’s nephews, he looks at you in the mirror. He’s always much younger than in the portraits but you know it’s him.

You’re scared that if you tell Neil he will remember the history lessons that covered King Alistair and his Grey Warden Prince-Consort. That they would only be known as the first two men to rule Ferelden as a couple together if they hadn’t also defeated a Blight. You’re scared because this is too new with Neil, you aren’t even sure if you like like him that way and what if he doesn’t like like you like that either? He’s been your only friend since you moved to Lothering a year ago. You refuse to lose a friend like him for something- something like this!

Neil is just as quiet as you, now that you’ve finished your tale. A moment passes before he scoots nearer to you on the bed and slings an arm around your shoulders and drawing you closer to him.

“We’re going to figure this out, ok Wil? I don’t know how, and I don’t know when, but we'll figure it out,” he says and it disturbingly sounds like a promise falling from his lips and you look at him in surprise. He has a soft smile on your face, and a little twitch in his upper lip and you’re almost overcome with another déjà vu vision but you tamper it down and stay in this moment where there is just you and Neil.

You find yourself nodding with a grin spreading across your face. His good mood and attitude becoming infectious as you sit on the little cot.

“C’mon, let’s go downstairs, I remember Ma said there was a visitor from Rivain who checked in yesterday,” Neil invited you, standing up and offering you a hand up. You gladly take it and you both head downstairs together.

I’ll remember nights alone, waking up to dial tone Always found my greatest moments in the sound of your hello. Now I struggle to recall the reasons you would come to leave. Oh, Calamity

You didn’t want to call Elijah, you didn’t want to call Elijah, but you wanted to call Elijah. Damn it, you thought to yourself, picking up your telephone. You impatiently pushed the rotary around waiting until it finally put you through. Thankfully, it wasn’t either of Elijah’s, frankly lovely if not a tad overbearing, parents who answered the phone.

“Hello, this is the Philips?” he said, sounding a bit confused by the late call.

“Elijah, it’s me. Benjamin,” you replied. This was a bad idea, you can already tell. You both don’t really know each other how can you be sure it’s him? Your parents always said it took a little while to know if someone was your soulmate. They told you it took time before you could be sure that the overlapping faces were truly the person you were meant to be with. That sometimes, if you rushed it, it wouldn’t be right. But you’re scared, scared it’ll never be right and if you never say anything you’ll never know what you missed.

“Oh hey, Ben. What’s up? Did you forget something at my house?” He asks, not picking up on your nerves at all. You can’t tell if he’s just dense or extremely considerate. Either option is endearing to you and makes the lump in your throat that much harder to speak around. Should you even tell him?

“Uhh no, no I’ve got everything, I just, wanted to call?” it comes out as a question and you want to hang up and then beat yourself over the head with the receiver. You can hear him pause and huff out a laugh of sorts. You want to smile because you’ve seen that laugh in person and can imagine him doing it in your head but it was at your expense and you are so nervous.

“Well, so you’ve called me. Are you feeling okay Ben?” he asks and you almost panic because he can tell, he can tell can’t he, that you don’t know why you called and you want it to be more than what it probably is but you are propelled by fear and nerves and find yourself confessing.

“Eli have you ever met someone and felt like you know them? Like you meet them and something clicks and it feels like you’ve known them all along?” you ask nervously, your voice cracks in the middle but you power through because you are not going to let your sixteen year old voicebox ruin this for you. You listen to Eli suck in a breath of surprise and pause before cautiously picking out his words.

“Ben, I uh. I have felt that way about someone before,” he says to you and you can feel your heart slowly crawl its way out of your stomach and into your throat. You want to ask who, and whether or not it is you. Whether or not he knows what you’ve been going through. However it seems as though you let your indecision carry on too long because Eli is speaking again.

“I’ve felt that way about you Ben, and I don’t know if you ever would feel that way around me but, the dreams stopped after I met you Ben. I don’t see my soulmate in the Fade anymore and I’m scared about what that means but I think I caught a flash of him on your face the other night when you smiled at me and I. I don’t know what this means but I, I would very much like to find out.” he rambles, his voice barely louder than a whisper, almost too quiet for you to hear over the blood rushing in your ears.

“Elijah, oh Elijah, I want to find out too. I want to find out so very badly,” you say twisting the cord between your fingers, nervous about what you’re about to ask him. “Do you maybe, want to go to the fair with me tomorrow then? And come over afterward?” you have the cord wrapped so tightly around your finger that you think it’s starting to cut off circulation but you’re too busy waiting for a response to answer.

“Yes,” he breathes out, like it was the only way to respond “Yes, I’d love to go to the fair with you Ben,”

It’s such a shame that we play strangers No act to change what we’ve become Damn, it’s such a shame that we built a wreck out of me. Oh, Calamity

You always dreamed of a man when you were younger. A man who was as gentle as the breeze and as strong as the oaks in your backyard and he was the right kind of funny. A man who was sharper than knives and had a tongue to match his quick wit. He didn’t always look the same, his hair would change color and length, he’d get short and then tall and then short again. His eyes however, no matter what color they were, always looked at you with the gentlest expression.

You’re five years old and you only see him when you sleep, wrapped in the Fade together. You both play tag chasing each other round floating bookcases and sheer cliffs.

In time you realized that this was what your parents called “nature’s way of showing you your other half”. There were more technical terms for it now but you weren’t really interested in that. You were excited about this other half business. As a child you wondered if he liked playing with toy cars too, or if he was one of those boys who’d rather build towns only to wreck later, pretending to be great archdemons from old.

You’re twelve years old and your mother finally sits down and talks to you about how sometimes it doesn’t happen. That you aren’t always guaranteed a happy ending due to location and distance.

Your teachers explained that as you grew older, your soul began to recognize that it was missing something. Missing your soulmate, to try and amend this, your body produced dreams and visions of previous lives and people who your soul had found time and time again. Your body doesn’t know what your soulmate looks like this cycle so you can’t see who it is now, but you can dream, and remember. That’s why you see the boy in your dreams.

You’re nineteen years old and lonely and tired of searching and tired of disappointment. Despite this, no matter who or when someone offers a night to alleviate the pain a bit, you decline and dream of your boy who smiles at you with the same sad look in his eyes that you’ve started carrying in your own.

You wake up the morning before your birthday alone in your apartment when your brother calls to tell you that he’s found his soulmate. He invites you to dinner to meet the girl and you accept it, happy to share this moment with your brother. You get there and are reminded that in this lifetime happiness is for the man once called Cailan who died before he even knew he had a brother. Happiness is for the woman once called Anora who watched her father get executed in front of her. Happiness is not for you.

You’re fifty-four years old and playing with your nephews despite your angry knees and their arthritis. Your only niece sits with her mother because the mud just wasn’t her cup of tea and you can hear the perceptive little ten year old ask “Momma, why isn’t Uncle married like you and Daddy?”

When the alzheimer’s starts to take you, it gets hard to remember your niece’s name even though she was always your secret favorite. She still visits you but it’s hard on her and you can tell. She reminds you that she’s in college for her Master’s degree but you still don’t know what the degree is. You are forgetting a lot of things these days, but when you close your eyes the same familiar face greets you every time and you feel young again.

You’re eighty-seven years old and that is the best description of you. Old.

If I catch you on the corner will you even know it’s me? Will I look familiar to you? Do you offer me a seat? Can we find a new beginning? Do you turn the other cheek? Oh, Calamity!

Job hunting sucked. End of story, no other options, game over, it sucked and that was it. Thankfully Gwen (you wonder if she remembers yelling at you in that dingy house back in Denerim) said that you only had to do it for a few hours and three hours seemed long enough to you at least. You walked to the closest café, pulling the messenger bag higher on your shoulder as you turned the corner. The day was nice enough; maybe you could stop and sit down at one of the outside tables.

After ordering (a tea of some sort and a cheesy croissant) you went back outside looking for a table. Sadly other patrons must have had the same idea that you did and most of the tables were already full. A particularly rowdy group of teens had already occupied one corner of the outside arrangements and you’d like to sit as far away from them as possible. You walk over to see if perhaps there are more tables around the side of the building, you’re out of luck but no one’s sitting in such a dense group as at the other tables.

You gaze around and finally you see someone sitting with a laptop and a few papers. You aren’t sure how friendly they are but they seem a better choice than the dodgy old man who glares at anyone who comes near. You walk up to the table with the man and his laptop, not the old guy, and hesitantly get the attention of the man sitting there.

“Oh uh hello, uhm may I sit here? This café is strangely busy and I’d rather not sit by all those teenagers. Not that I have a problem with teenagers but it’s a tad distracting when they scream random memes. Am I rambling? I think I’m rambling, I can find another table somewhere else,” the words fall out of your mouth in a somewhat coherent pattern and you hope he understands what you said.

“No, no you’re alright. Please, sit,” he says with a gentle smile, he even shuffles his papers closer to himself so you can set down your cup. You sling your bag over the back of the chair and sit down across from him. After sitting you smack yourself in the forehead before speaking again.

“Where are my manners today I’m sorry, my name is Van, pleased to meet you,” you say, extending your hand across the table to shake his. He has a strong grip and you’re glad you can return it in kind.

“The pleasure is mine, you can call me Ryan,” he says to you. After a moment, he watches you as you meticulously take apart your cheesy croissant. You flush under his gaze in embarrassment.

“Sorry, I’m just a little curious as to what you’re doing?” he asks looking over your mangled food.

“Oh! Well, you see, they hide the good bits under all this bread in some attempt to even out the flavor. However the truly tasty part is the lovely cheese blend they make here and I think they should just sell that on it’s own but the dear owner disagrees with me. Quite strongly in fact,” you explain to him. He chuckles at your explanation and then adds his own input.

“You know, the last time I met someone so in tune to the finer aspects of good cheese, he was a very strange man who spent time remembering his former life in a monastery where the boys had some fascination with lamp posts,” he says, and your eyes snap open to take in his features anew, yes there’s the twitch of the upper lip. You smirk back at him and take a second to remember a highlight in your relationship.

“Well, have you ever licked a lamp post in winter?” you drawl out hoping that your voice in this lifetime sounds similar to when you first said it back in the ninth age. He full out grins back and stands up to lean over the table and grab your shirt tugging you in.

“Congratulations on coming back to me again, my King,” he retorts, ignoring your question.

“I think you’re the one I should be saying that too Mr. Grey Warden who simply had to push me out of the way so that he could deal the last blow to the archdemon,” you snark back at him, remembering that fateful night. He just rolls his eyes at you and closes the distance, leaving the past memories in favor of making new ones.

It’s such a shame that we play strangers No act to change what we’ve become Damn, it’s such a shame that we play strangers No act to change what we’ve become Damn it’s such a shame that we built a wreck out of me Oh, Calamity

“Almost makes you wish we could just fight another Blight and be done with it?”

“I’d take a Blight over a hundred awkward first dates, maybe not actually. There are too many darkspawn during those. And with our first dates I’m more likely to get laid now,”

“The one thing the movies never have, a shambling horde of shrieks and genlock to ruin our day,”

“The movies do end up with me back at your place more times than not surprisingly, seeing as you were the last one to lick a lamp post in winter between the two of us,”

“Oh we’ll see who’s licking the lamp post this time around Warden,”

“You know I’m not one of those anymore, especially since it’s been what, five centuries since the order died out?”

“Yes but this is probably our twentieth first meeting and it gets confusing if I try to remember all of the names you’ve had,”

“True enough, you royal bastard,”

Oh, Calamity, come back to me.

#alistair theirin #writing #stephan #stephan cousland #m!cousland #dragon age #dragon age origins #goldanna #cailan theirin #anora mac tir #songfic

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lovemesomesurveys · 3 years

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You ever played Call Of Duty? Did you like it? Are you into those types of video games at all? Nah, I was never into those types of video games.

Do you like to cook for people, or do you order to be cooked for? Has anyone ever told you that you were a good cook? Well, I don’t cook except for ramen and that’s just for myself cause my family doesn’t really eat that. My parents and brother are awesome cooks, though, so I get to enjoy what they make.

Do you have any clocks in your house that chime when the hour changes? Do those types of clocks annoy you? We have one in the living room that makes bird noises, ha. We’ve had it since I was a kid.

Has anyone ever let you borrow some of their music, promising you'd love it, but you really didn't? Did you lie to the person and agree, or tell the truth, that you hated it? I’ve had people suggest music to me that I should listen to and I’d be like like, ‘okay, cool I’ll definitely check it out’, but then didn’t. :X haha. Not all the time, but yeah. I’m just lazy. Anyway, I’ve been suggested good music that I liked and others not so much. If I didn’t like it I wasn’t mean about it, I probably said it just wasn’t my vibe or found something nice to say about it like the singer had a nice voice or a lyric that stood out.

What is your usual hair style? Do you tend to wear the same style every day, or do you switch it up a lot? I just throw it up in a messy bun cause I don’t have the energy or motivation to do anything else with it.

Have you had the same doctor pretty much your whole life, or have you went to a bunch of different ones over the years? Have you ever been to the doctor thinking something was horribly wrong with you, but it turned out to be something minor? I had a primary doctor that took care of everything from the time I was a baby to when I turned 21, which was the age limit for that doctor, sadly. I found another primary doctor and I’ve been seeing him ever since. I’ve seen several other types of doctors as well throughout the years. I’ve had to bounce around to a few different pain doctors, but one I’ve had now I’ve been seeing for almost 3 years. Another regular doctor I see that’s been managing something else I have I’ve been seeing for the past few years and I’ve been to them in the past as well.

Do you prefer to go out to get ice cream, or do you just like to get the kind you keep in your freezer? What flavor do you usually get? I’m not a big ice cream person, but I’d say having it at home cause it’s more convenient and I can have as much as I want whenever I want. Going out for ice cream sometimes can be nice as well. I haven’t done that in years or even had any ice cream at all in awhile, though. Anyway, I like strawberry, mint chocolate chip, birthday cake, or peanut butter cup.

Do you look forward to the holidays, or do you dread them? What holiday is your least favorite, and why? I love the holidays. I especially look forward to Christmas.

Is the background on your phone a default picture, or a picture you took? What is the picture of? My lock screen and home screen are different hearts/Valentine’s Day themed backgrounds. I like to change up my backgrounds and if there’s a holiday then I’ll likely do something for that.

What is your favorite type of print (ex: zebra, stripes, argyle)? Do you have a lot of things with this print on it? Plaid. I don’t have a lot of things with plaid anymore, though, just a couple throw pillows and a pair of leggings.

Are there any stores you feel uncomfortable going into (ex: if you dress girly, do you feel uncomfortable going into Hot Topic)? Are there any stores that you refuse, or just never go in to? Sex shops, ha. I’ve been to one once because my friend wanted to go to one for her 18th birthday, but I’ve had no interest in going for myself. Otherwise, I just don’t go into a store because it’s not of interest to me or I have no need to, not because I feel uncomfortable.

Do you look in mirrors a lot, or do you try to avoid them? How many mirrors are in your house? I avoid looking into mirrors as much as possible and spend as little time as possible doing so when I need to. There’s a few mirrors in the house.

What is your favorite brand of clothing? Is this a brand that is sort of expensive, or is it pretty affordable? I really like Adidas clothing and shoes. Most of my clothes come from Boxlunch and Hot Topic, though.

What person do you text the most? My mom or brother.

Do you have any pictures that always make you laugh, or cry? Are they digital pictures, or printed pictures? What is the significance? Uhh, like funny or relatable memes I come across online.

What are you listening to? An ASMR video.

What were you doing at 4am? I had just finished eating my ramen.

What’s your favorite cereal? Fruity Pebbles, Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Life, Honey Nut Cheerios, Frosted Cheerios, Frosted Flakes, Lucky Charms, Froot Loops, Cap’n Crunch Berries, Cocoa Puffs... all the sugary ones, basically. Damn, I haven’t had cereal in so long that sounds good.

What’s the last thing you drank? Starbucks Doubleshot energy drink.

Where is your biological mother right now? She’s in bed, asleep.

Where is your biological father right now? He’s up getting ready for work.

What’s your mood? Right now I’m just tired.

Are you doing anything tomorrow? Nothing out of the ordinary.

Do you cry a lot? Yes.

Have you recently? Yes.

What’s your favorite candy? White chocolate and Reese’s, which they have a white chocolate version of as well, so hey.

Have you ever eaten raw pumpkin? Ew, no.

Does your car have a name? I don’t have a car.

Will you be in bed within twenty minutes? I am in bed. As for if I’ll be asleep, probably not yet.

Who did you sleep with last night? Myself, as always.

Wearing any bracelets? Nope.

What is your favorite color? Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow.

What should you be doing right now? Sleeping; it’s almost 7AM.

How much older is the person you’re currently interested in? I’m not interested in anyone in that way currently.

Remember the first time you kissed the last person you kissed? I do.

Have your parents ever caught you drinking? I didn’t drink until I was 21, so.

Do you love the last boy/girl you were talking to? Yes.

Did you have an exciting last weekend? No.

Is there a secret you’ve never told your parents? Yes.

Have you ever flirted with a friend’s crush? No.

Did you have a good birthday this year? I haven’t had my birthday, yet.

Do you lead people on? No.

Who was the last person you made plans with? I made plans to watch a TV show with my mom, ha. That’s about the only plans I make these days or about getting something for takeout.

What is the rudest thing someone has done recently towards you? i can't think of anything right now. which is good. <<<

When was the last time someone really got on your nerves? No one recently.

Have you recently lost any clothes? No.

What places will you be going tomorrow? I won’t be going anywhere.

When is the next time you will kiss someone? I have no idea.

How do you feel about your hair right now? It reallyyyy needs to be dyed.

How fast have you driven a car? I’ve never driven a car.

Have you ever smoked? Just weed.

Is the last person you kissed your other half? No.

Do you think this year is better than the last? It’s only February. We all know how awful 2020 was and we’re still going through it, but we’ll have to see how the rest of the year goes...

Where is the last person you kissed at this moment? I have no idea.

Has anyone seen you in your underwear this past month? Nope.

Would you rather marry Taylor Lautner, or take a million dollars? Give me the million, please.

Do you really believe in forever? Yeah.

What are you doing after this? I should go to sleep.

Someone says “all guys are players” You say? "generalizations are stupid." <<<

Are you an official couple with the last person you kissed? Nope. We never were.

Do you believe in kissing when you’re not together yet? Joseph and I did that for 3 years. I wouldn’t do that now, though. I’m in my 30s and if I date then I want a serious, committed relationship. I’m not looking for flings or to play games. Like, I’ll be upfront with the person and want to know where we stand and what’s going on before we carry on.

How serious are your feelings for the person you like? I don’t like anyone currently.

Do you live close to the person you like? --

#personal #text #survey #surveys

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purplesurveys · 4 years

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649

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you? Yeah, of course. What did you do yesterday? I spent the morning hungover because I drank the night before, but I had to be in class by 10 AM so I had no choice but to drive to school. My classes were thankfully pretty chill, and the most random thing that happened was my prof making us take a speed typing test in the middle of our class lol. Otherwise, it was a normal school day. Something you really want right now? More moneyyyy. I blew most of it last Wednesday when me and my girlfriend had drinks up in Marco Polo. Hotels obviously jack up their prices on everything, and alcohol is no exception so what I’d pay for a cocktail in my school’s area got quadrupled in Marco Polo. But I had a loooot of fun that night, so I can’t say I regret it even though I lost most of my allowance. If you could seek revenge on someone would you? [continued from yesterday because I just had suuuch a hectic week] Like I’ve said, the idea of revenge is something I daydream about just to feel internally satisfied, but I never feel the need to act on it. How long have you liked the person you like? Six, maybe even seven years.

Are you happy with the way things are going? For the most part. I could go with less worry/anxiety, but I mean I can’t say I’m miserable. Would you ever get a tattoo? Only if I feel like the time is right, which is a FAR cry from “get tattoos of all the things you love”-era Robyn lmao. Do you think you will be in a relationship 3 months from now? Yes. April is my birth month, and I’d hate to be single by then lol. What plans do you have for tomorrow? I finally have my rest day tomorrow, which I’m fuuuucking stoked about. It’s been such a busy busy week and I’m just so relieved that all I have to do tomorrow is sit and lounge around. Has a friendship ended recently that you wish had not? Not really. I kinda cut off friendships with two guys because they annoyed me over some issue, but the thing is they’re part of our high school group so I can’t avoid them forever – I see them when we have reunions, but I don’t mingle with them. What are you listening to right now? I can hear the electric fan whirring in front of me but in my head Simmer by Hayley Williams is playing as loud as ever. Do you and your last ex hate each other? No. What are you afraid of? I hate uncertainty the most, but some other things I’m afraid of are failing in general, videos that make me stressed like footage of collapsing/fainting people or racist people making tirades on public transport, flying cockroaches, sharp objects, and fire. When was the last time you were sick? Some time last year, I got a fever for like two hours but I was totally fine after. But the last time I was SICK sick was sometime in 2017 – but even that was only an overnight thing. I don’t remember the last time I was sick for over a day. Do you tend to waste a lot of money? LMAOOO don’t even remind me. I literally have a single P50 bill left in my wallet – that’s less than a dollar to ya. Do you have trust issues? No, not at all. Do you think this year will be better than last? I’m genuinely unsure, and I’d rather not guess or mull over it. 2020 is going to be a year of so much change – graduating college, getting my first job, maybe moving out for the first time?, not knowing if my girlfriend is going to pursue a master’s abroad, what that means for us, etc. Big things are waiting, and I HATE the uncertainty of it all. I take surveys to forget, so please don’t remind me of things I go here to forget, haha. Have you ever regretted kissing someone? No. Are you a jealous person? I can be, but like I’m not obsessed with being jealous. When was the last time you got a haircut? 2018. I desperately need a dramatic haircut. Do you know anyone that smokes weed? Yeah I know people who’ve told me about it, but I’m sure there are more people I know that haven’t told me they do weed. Who is the last person you rode in a car with? I was with Luisa and Hannah and for the first time in a long time, I wasn’t the one driving! Do you look more like your mom or your dad? I ask people this and they always tell me I’m a perfect mix. Apparently the top half of my face looks like my dad, and the bottom half is all my mom. Are there any stressful situations in your life? Yep a little bit yep yep yep. If you were caught cheating would you fess up? If I was already caught, I’d be incredibly stupid to still deny it so yeah, I’d confess. The last time you honestly felt broken? Maybe Monday? Idk, I cried pretty hard that day, harder than I normally would. What do you really want right now? I want this stupid internet speed to be faster because I need to send emails ASAP, and I need some good fucking food. I am not the happiest camper right now lmao. Best thing about the last person you chatted on facebook? He’s literally the most reliable dude ever. I can always depend on him to help me out no matter how last-minute it is. Best thing about the last person you talked to in person? She’s generous. When was the last time you shaved your legs? Yesterday. Is there someone you wish you were closer to? At this point, not really. I’m happy with my circle and there haven’t been new people who entered my life recently. Have any addictions? Nope. Are you anything like your siblings? We’re all reserved, but then again out of all the three of us I’m still the biggest extrovert and I’m also probably the one who finds it easy to blend in with most groups. But yeah, we all definitely have a layer of extreme shyness in us. We’re also never upfront about our feelings, so when we cry we do it in the privacy of our own rooms, or if we’re upset we rant about it to our own friends. Have you ever had a stalker? I don’t think so. Have you ever received an injury from a hook up? LOL what? No I haven’t. That sounds wild though. What did you last eat? A brownie and a sip of coffee. What was the best concert you have been to? PARAMORE. UGH. THEY HAVE THE BEST CONCERTS. I’ve seen them twice and I plan to see them three, four, and the next bajillion times. Paramore forever <3 Who is the last person you hugged? I’m not 100% sure. Maybe Laurice. Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? I have a couple, yeah. Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? This survey is a big secret for one, lmao. Where do you get your clothes? It depends. I shop everywhere so I get my clothes from a variety of places. They’re mostly from independent shops/stalls that pop up once in a while at malls, though. Do you have a secret you've never told anyone? [continued YET AGAIN from last night because I am just one big exhausted bean] Again, this Tumblr is a pretty big secret. Is there one person in your life that can always make you smile? There are several people who meet this category. Would you rather sleep alone or with someone? I like sleeping with someone only if they’re my significant other. Otherwise, I like my own space when I sleep. Have you ever lived with a girlfriend/boyfriend? No, I haven’t. When was the last time something bothered you? I am bothered at this moment, hence the survey-taking haha. Who was the first male you talked to today? My dog. But if he doesn’t count, it was Andrew. Are you completely over your past relationships? I’ve only been with one person. Do you get attached to people easily? No, it only ever happens with select people. But when I get attached, it happens hard. Are you currently looking forward to anything? Uhhhh sure. I’m dreading most of this week but my high school’s annual school fair is happening this Friday and Saturday and that’s the only thing I’m excited for. Do you believe in love? Yes. Let's be honest, have you ever been played by someone? Can’t say I have. Have you ever played someone? Yes, this I’ve done. I still feel bad about it occasionally but I’m sure the person has long gotten past it. What is currently on your mind? How sad I am and that I have to focus on this survey so I can be distracted. Would it hurt seeing the last person you kissed, kissing someone else? Of course. How many piercings have you had in your life? Just two. Who else is in the room with you? I’m the only one in the dining room but my brother is also here downstairs. Have you ever been beside someone while they were throwing up? [It’s 12 hours later. This is the absolute slowest I’ve ever worked on a survey lmao] No, it was always the other way around HAHAHA Did you eat breakfast today? I haven’t yet but I’m not feeling hungry so I might just settle for a cup of coffee. When was the last time you cried? A few minutes ago watching a clip from an NBA game having a moment of silence for Kobe Bryant. I was never into basketball but we DID have a copy of NBA Live 2003, and whenever I played it I always used the Lakers team so that I got to play as either Shaq or Kobe, so I’m sad and shocked, to say the least. Do you like tea? Just sugary iced tea. None of that herbal stuff. When was the last time you took a nap? Yesterday afternoon. What song is stuck in your head? Simmer, by Hayley Williams. As has been the case in the last four days. Do you have a TV in your room? I used to, but my brother would always be the one using it to play his video games so I eventually just gave it to him. Have you ever broken a bone? Nope. And I’m always extra careful so that I never have to go through such an injury. Have you ever had stitches? ^ Same answer. Are you wearing a sweatshirt? No...it’s starting to get warmer for sweatshirts now :( Have you taken a shower in the last 24 hours? Yes. Are there things in your life that you'll never be able to get over? Of course. There’s been a fair share of deaths, betrayals, abusive family shit that I’ve had to go through and that aren’t easy to forget. Can you remember who you liked this time last year? Yes. What's one physical flaw you'd like to fix about yourself? Straightening my teeth. What do you do when you're feeling extremely nervous? Uh it depends on whatever helps me at that time. I’d pace around, fiddle with my eyebrows, breathe deeply, shake my hands rapidly, bite my nails, etc. Do you have a hard time letting go? Yes. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now? I doubt it. What do you plan on doing now? Making my cup of coffee and taking another survey to make up for the embarassment that is taking three days of finishing this one lmao.

#survey #surveys

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lachalaine · 4 years

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GET TO KNOW THE BLOGGER.

Can be used for RP and non-RP blogs to get to know a bit about the person behind the screen!

1. FIRST NAME: J / Lady 2. STRANGE FACT ABOUT YOURSELF: I’m honestly such a severe worry wart that as soon as I get even the mildest thought of my loved ones potentially being in danger, I can’t get it out of my head. So I end up knocking on all the wood in the area, and step away a bit to focus on seeing them in my minds eyes, to imagine that they’re safe and healthy and have a little shield around them to keep them out of harms way, while also praying a lot for them in the back of my mind. I’ll be doing one thing but the reality is that my brain is still focused on the prayer. In fact, I’ve been doing it consecutively for 3 days now because my dad was in the hospital the other day and now my brain is on overdrive from it and it’s actually such a strain on my focus that my head hurts.

3. TOP THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU FIND ATTRACTIVE ON A PERSON: Eyes, hair, and smile tbh. I have a really bad weakness for curly haired guys tho, they’re always so cute 💕💕 4. A FOOD YOU COULD EAT FOREVER AND NOT GET BORED OF: CRAB. SHRIMP. LOBSTER. SCALLOP. SQUID. 5. A FOOD YOU HATE: Ampalaya aka Bitter Melon. 6. GUILTY PLEASURE: Having art made of Jackie???? In all the outfits ??? In all the designs??? In all the poses and styles ?? I love her so much, I will never let her go????? Because honestly speaking, idek how much I’ve spent having art made of her at this point in my life, but I’m 5 years in on this venture and I refuse to stop now! It’s like $700 and counting. 7. WHAT DO YOU SLEEP IN: Shorts and t-shirts. 8. SERIOUS RELATIONSHIPS OR FLINGS: Serious relationships. 9. IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN THE PAST AND CHANGE ONE THING ABOUT YOUR LIFE, WOULD YOU AND WHAT WOULD IT BE: I would go back to a very particular day just last week, where I accidentally moved my chair and tugged my brand new laptop down with it, where thankfully the laptop was safe, but now the charger is bent out of shape 🙃 The good news is: It still works! The bad news is: my OCD irritates me because I keep trying to fix it back straight and now I’m torn between the possibility of breaking it even further or just leaving it be. 🙃 10. ARE YOU AN AFFECTIONATE PERSON: Yes, yes and yes! I hug my friends and family and kiss them on the cheek sometimes and I hold their hands a lot and lean on them and I say I love you too much all the time but they love me too so its okie 💕💕 11. A MOVIE YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN: Rise of the Guardians. God, I love JACK FROST SO MUCH!!! 12. FAVORITE BOOK: Norse Mythology by Neil Gaiman 13. YOU HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO KEEP ANY ANIMAL AS A PET, WHAT DO YOU CHOOSE: Otters and Rabbits!!! They’re so cute! 14. TOP FIVE FICTIONAL SHIPS: Jackie x Chesh, Jackie x Razvan, Jackie x Kavik, Jackie x Kyrin, Jackie x Loke, basically Jackie x all of her ships with Momo’s muses! But also !! Tifa Lockheart x Cloud Strike and also Tifa Lockheart x Zack Fair :) 15. PIE OR CAKE: Cake 16. FAVORITE SCENT: Lanvin Éclat d'Arpège and Victoria’s Secret Amber Romance 17. CELEBRITY CRUSH: HARRY STYLES !!! 18. IF YOU COULD TRAVEL ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD YOU GO: London, again. But also Maldives and Paris. 19. INTROVERT OR EXTROVERT: Introvert 20. DO YOU SCARE EASILY: Yes, which is why I hate anything to do with ghosts or anything too genuinely horrifying. I tend to linger on the dread of such thoughts and can’t manage to sleep because I’m so scared, so I’d rather not ever have it cross my mind at all. 21. IPHONE OR ANDROID: iPhone. 22. DO YOU PLAY ANY VIDEO GAMES: Yeeees, I play Pokemon, Persona, Harvest Moon, Final Fantasy 14 and Ragnarok Online, and also 30 more games that are too long to list. 23. WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH A MILLION DOLLARS: Move to the states, get a house in LA, make sure my dad and mom are taken care of and then save the rest for a rainy day. But also treat myself with Seafood and Japanese food and also some more Jackie art 💕 24. FICTIONAL CHARACTER YOU HATE: It’s not so much the character that I hate, but I do despise the fanfiction narrative that the Female Warrior of Light in Final Fantasy 14 has to be a Mi’qote all the time. There are literally so many other races in that game, why the heck is the fandom always using the Miqo’te as their basis for the character, it’s so frustrating !! 25. FANDOM THAT YOU WERE ONCE A PART OF BUT AREN’T ANY LONGER: I started out in the K Project fandom, where I had Jackie set up as a OC in that verse. She was a part of HOMRA for a long while there, and then some crap went down in the fandom and I turned her fandomless. And the rest, as they say, is history ✨

Tagged: stolen ! Tagging: @aquoreus again hi ily 💕

#&& did you think i wasn't real (about j)#/ meep moop meep #&& pre recorded tracks (queue)

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ashphoenix06 · 5 years

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Pinky Promise

Chase’s breaths were rapid and haggard as he ran down the empty hallway. The fluorescent lights from above made the sweat all over his body glisten and his brown hair shine.

When he reached the end of the brightly lit corridor, he squatted down and bent his head down. He couldn’t remember even having gone through this much cardio in his life; his heart beating so fast that it could burst out of his chest at any minute. He needed a drink of water desperately for his cotton mouth, but he had forgotten to bring any with him... fucking figures....

After gulping enough air to steady his breathing, he took a chance to look up and get a bearing of his surroundings. He had gone through this same corridor four or five times already. So far, he had found no one... nothing...

His head snaps to attention when the sound of shoes scrapping on the ground from running echoed from the left side. Taking one more deep breath, he gets to his feet and starts running the opposite direction. As he’s running, he hears footsteps behind him. Oh crap! He hadn’t been stealthy enough! They knew where he was.

He had to find somewhere to hide and fast, before they caught up to him. He couldn’t get caught. Not again. They would hold that over him forever.

At random, he bursts into a room and looks around. There’s a huge table with rolling chairs surrounding it; it’s the only thing in the room. He dives under the table and quickly arranged the chairs to give him cover. Their all still jumbled but maybe they won’t notice...

Chase catches his breath as the door squeaks open and the sounds of feet slowly comes to his ears. He covers his mouth and stares straight at his makeshift wall of chairs. He hears scampering as they look around the room and he completely freezes. His he’s still enough, they won’t find him...

After what seems like an eternity, he hears the door open and the scampering shoes running out of the room. He slowly counts to twenty before he breaks the wall and crawls out from beneath the table. He creeps to the door and puts an ear to it, listening for any kind of sounds. When he’s hears nothing, he decides to take a chance and opens the door...

The barrel of a gun is starting right up at him.

Well, shit.

“BANG BANG, DADDY,” Sammi yells in delight, firing her nerf gun right at his chest. The foam bullets bounce right off but that wasn’t going to prevent him from his ultimate doom!

“Oh no,” he cries out dramatically, grabbing his chest as he falls down playfully to the ground. “Ah, you got me, Sammi! Oh, what a world, what a world!”

As he lays on his back, he sees Peter appear in the doorway. He’s holding his nerf gun like the soldiers in his video game, his face dropping as he sees the scene before him.

“Aw, man!”

“I told you he was under the table,” Sammi squeals, jumping up and down with excitement.

“.... I wanted to shoot him, first...”

“I WIN!”

Chase smirks a little at his kids bickering as he stayed on the floor. Playing the moment, he reaches for them with a shaking hand.

“I see a light...” he groans before going limp, keeping his eye slightly opened to see what they would do.

Peter rolled his eye while trying to not laugh, but Sammi dropped her gun and runs to him. She plops down on his chest and starts to shake him.

“Oh, no! Daddy, are you okay?”

At her whimpering plea, Chase looses it. He opens his eyes and begins to laugh, sitting up and scooping Sammi into a big bear hug. He feels her tiny arms try to wrap around his chest as she snuggles her face into his shirt.

“Ah, Sammi! You brought me back from the dead,” he exclaims, looking down at her as she looks up with a huge, goofy grin.

“You guys are dorks,” Peter playfully scoffs.

“Hey,” Chase retorts, picking up one of the foam bullets and tossing it at him. “We may be dorks, but we’re YOUR dorks. So, get use to us.”

“Yeah, we’re YOUR dorks,” Sammi says, trying very hard to sound like him but giggling the whole time.

“Hey, Dad. You think we have time for one more around before we have to go back to mom’s,” Peter asks, still not fully understand the gravity of those words. Chase thinks he does a good job of hiding the pain, but he feels it eating him inside. It’s not Pete’s fault. He doesn’t fully understand the whole situation yet.

Chase pulls out his phone and checks the time. “Sure, kiddo. One more round. Then I have to drop you guys off and get back to record some more videos. You two head back to the starting point and give me ten minutes to find a new place to hide.”

“10-4, rubber ducky,” Peter salutes and begins to head off. He stops for a second and looks back at Chase.

“I’m glad mom is letting us spend more time with you. I’ve missed playing with you.”

Chase felt tears forming but held them in. He and Stacey had talked recently about how he’s matured and seems more put together since taking over Jack’s channel. Stac only knew that Jack had been in the hospital ever since an ‘unfortunate’ accident and that Chase took over the role of Jack so the community didn’t worry. She didn’t know about all the other stuff.

Stacey has been throughly impressed with how much Chase had grown in the past two years; stating that maybe making videos wasn’t such a bad thing after all. She finally agreed to let him back into the kids lives more, letting him spend afternoons with him or letting them stay overnight. The last part was highly entertaining, watching how the guys reacted with them. But Chase was just thankful to have his kids back, even in this way.

“Me too, kid,” Chase smiles, giving Peter a wink.

Peter smiles and runs off. Chase looks down at his daughter still clinging to him, her face buried back into his shirt.

“Hey, sweetheart. You might want to catch up with Pete if you don’t want to get lost.”

She shakes her head and looks up at him. Chase is surprised to see that her face has fallen into sadness.

“Sammi,” Chase asks, bending down to her eye level. “What’s wrong, honey?”

“I don’t want to go back to mommy,” she whimpers.

Chase finds himself taken back a bit by her statement. “Why not?”

He sees big tears welling in her bright blue eyes and it breaks his heart.

“What... what if I never see you again? I don’t want you to leave again, daddy.”

Chase pulls her into a warm hug and rests his chin on her head, lightly rocking her.

“Sammi. You know I’m not going anywhere. I would never leave you or your brother. Just because things are different between your mom and me...”

“No,” she mumbles into his shirt, staining it with her tears. “What if you die? I’ll never see you again.”

Chase had been dreading this. Peter was old enough to remember when he had tried to shoot himself after the divorce, but Sammi wasn’t. Stacey had a similar talk with Pete after Chase was released from the hospital so he wouldn’t freak out over the bandages on his head. He always assumed that Stac had felt a little guilty after Schneep explained what he had done, so she had let the kids see him for a while after the whole ordeal.

He peels Sammi off his chest and holds her out so he could look at her.

“Sammi, I can promise you that I’m not going to die anytime soon. I’m going to be here for you and Pete, no matter what. I’m going to attend every play, sports game, recital and everything else you guys do until you’re adults and become sick of me... and even after that.”

I’ve learned my lesson, he thought.

Sammi sniffed and wiped her nose on her arm. Chase couldn’t help but smile. She was so much like him, in looks and personality.

“You promise,” she whispers holding her pinky up in front of him. He chuckles and grabs her tiny pinky with his huge one.

“Pinky promise,” he smiles. “And those are unbreakable.”

She gives him a big smile and tackles him with a hug. He hugs her back and kisses her on the top of her head, getting smothered by her thick, dark brown hair.

“Sssssaaaaammmmmmiiiiiiiii,” Peter calls, “Hurry up! I want to catch dad this time but I can’t start until you’re here!”

Sammi pulls away from Chase and rubs her eyes with the back of her hand. He watches her until she finishes wiping the tears away.

“You good, sweetie,” he asks her.

“I’m good, daddy,” she laughs, picking up her nerf gun and running to the door. She stops like she forgot something and runs back to him, planting a big sloppy kiss on his cheek. “You pinky promised!”

She runs out of the room laughing. Chase smiles to himself as he looks down at the pinky he had use in their promise. He finally let one tear fall. He had meant what he had said to Sammi. This time around, he wasn’t going anywhere.

He got up and ran from the room, knowing the kids wouldn’t even grace him with ten minutes before coming to look for him. He wanted to relish in this happiness with his son and daughter before they went back to Stacey. And before he had to go back to recording.

This is 2 of 4 writing prompts suggest by @glitchbicth and yes, this takes place in the same storyline as ‘Sweet Dreams.’ Lol!

I hope you guys enjoyed this little wholesome piece. Chase deserves some form of happiness! 💚💚💚

#jacksepticeye #jacksepticeye community #jacksepticeye fandom #jacksepticeye pma #jse pma #jse community #jacksepticeye fanfiction #fanfic #jacksepticegos #chase brody #jacksepticeye positive mental attitude

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eldritchsurveys · 6 years

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o81.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By @x-hallie-x ]] 1. When was the last time you realized something about yourself, your abilities, or your financial situation that left you feeling disappointed? >> I’m not sure. I feel like I’ve got a pretty solid perception of my financial situation, and considering it’s the best it’s been since I’ve hit adulthood, I can’t imagine being too disappointed (except when new video games come out lmao but half the time I buy them anyway because... like, I can, for once, and my brain goblins can’t prevent me from treating myself forever!). As far as my mental state is concerned, Can Calah won’t let me beat myself up about that, so entertaining any sort of disappointment in myself is out of the question.

2. Generally, are you more likely to blame others or yourself for problems you experience? >> Generally, I’m more likely to blame myself than others. But I don’t think that’s any better than blaming others. I am as much a product of my environment and the other people in my life as I am a product of whatever wild magical shit happens to make brains the way they are. I can control what I can control, but a lot of things about my life are out of my control. Finding things to place blame on really just doesn’t help me fix things, so I don’t care who’s to blame, I care how it can be fixed/helped.

3. What is one thing about your life that you don’t ever see changing, even if you might wish it would? >> I probably will never be a person that is gainfully employed or self-sufficient. And, honestly, that would hurt me more if I didn’t have someone who is gainfully employed and self-sufficient who is willing to use that for both of our benefit. I was basically convinced that everyone in this country is out for whatever they can get for themselves, and if I can’t keep up with that, then I’m not worth keeping around. I’d been convinced that people saw me as a leech who just existed to suck up all their resources, and had nothing of value to offer in return. It’s a very insidious mentality to have absorbed, but the longer I’m here, the less power it has over me, so I guess I do have her to thank for that.

4. At what point in your life have you been the most social or had the most friendships? And at which point have you been the least social? >> I guess when I lived in NYC, in general. I had a couple of persistent social circles: the Streetwork LES crew (homeless/destitute youth who went to the drop-in center on the Lower East Side called Streetwork), and the vamp scene crew (self-styled “vampyres” who participated in a big underground subculture, subdivided themselves into Houses and Clans, and threw a lot of parties). Most of those people weren’t what I’d call my friends, per se -- we were very friendly, sure, and I had a lot of good times with them, but most of those people didn’t really measure up to what I’d want out of friendship (and the rest were just casual acquaintances). I guess now is when I’ve been the least social; I know almost no one out here and the people I do know are really just... friendly acquaintances, I guess? Social-media buddies? We don’t really know things about each other, you know, like friends do... I don’t know. At this age, I don’t know how friendships form and I don’t know how to find out. The Internet is where my friends are now and I guess that’s just the way it has to be until I figure out something else (or until I move to a less socially-uptight area).

5. Do you prefer to have a few close friends or a bunch of random acquaintances? Which would describe what you have now? >> I’d like to have a mix of both. I just like to have people to be social with, in a variety of ways. Like I had in New York... Right now, I don’t know what I have. I’m kinda off this subject because it depresses me, ngl, no offence to anyone.

6. Do you journal? Generally, what do you write about? Do you find it helpful to get your thoughts out that way, or do you prefer another form of self-expression? >> I used to journal. I used to be really into journalling. But I guess, instead of trying to stick to the same practices I used to do, maybe I ought to recognise that my instinct to journal has been diverted into other forms of media -- like keeping a tumblr, and taking surveys. These all exist as records of my life -- as proof that I was here, that I existed, that these things happened to me. The internet enables me to keep a multimedia record of my existence, and that’s actually more than I could expect from just one paper journal, or whatever. Journalling (on various journal sites especially) was indeed a helpful way for me to get my thoughts out, but I guess now I just talk to Can Calah instead. I think I got put off writing my thoughts down because my instinct is to keep stuff like that public, because it’s all me and I am an open book, but then people (not just one person, either, this is just a thing people do in general, and I guess it’s understandable but oh my god) would get upset about stuff later and it’d just get messy. So I got put off being emotional on the internet because it backfired on me a lot lmao. I’m working on getting over it.

7. Do you like eating foods that other people have cooked for you, or do you prefer to have control over your meals? >> I do like eating food that other people have cooked for me -- as long as it’s food I like. And as long as it isn’t like... some kind of social trap. Like, I was annoyed with Sparrow’s mother for a few months because she wasn’t respecting my boundaries and always had some stupid shit to say about me to Sparrow and I don’t play that fucking shit. So I basically stopped being nice to her. And she kept trying to do stuff like... like Easter dinner, she made it “Southern-style” and made collards and banana pudding and shit. And like, this is a Midwestern White(tm) we’re talking about. That’s not the kind of stuff she naturally makes for any occasion. And she told Sparrow that she’d asked around (I guess at her job??? or something?) about what Black people eat on holidays??? And Sparrow’s like “but you could have just asked Logan if there was any dishes he wanted to be served”. Like, it’s not fucking rocket science, I’m right here. But she’ll always do shit like that, trying to ingratiate herself, when it’s not that fucking hard!!!! Don’t touch me, don’t talk about me to my fiancée behind my back, and ask me things directly!!!! WOW! SO HARD! (Also, the banana pudding was a fucking miss because bananas are one of like 3 foods on this entire planet that I don’t like. Which... she would have known... if she’d asked me first. But no, it was just all “oh I did this, I did that, he’s not grateful” bitch I DIDN’T ASK FOR ANY OF THIS. STOP IT.) Anyway, shit like that I hate. But people making food for me in general is great, because I hate cooking.

8. Have you ever been somewhere and REALLY didnt like a food that you were expected to eat? How did you deal with this? Are you someone who is likely to suck it up and be polite or refuse and save your taste buds? >> Yeah, that same Easter holiday I just mentioned. The collards were terrible, the fish was meh, and everything else was food I don’t care for (cheesy potatoes and that kinda starch-heavy fare). So I basically drank wine and played on my phone the whole time. As you can see, politeness is not something I feel compelled to give if I don’t want to.

9. What is one way in which you compare yourself to others? In this comparison, do you regard yourself as better or worse off than the people to whom you usually do the comparing? >> Well, I compare myself to other fanwriters a lot, because it’s something I can’t help. I don’t think I’m a bad writer. I’ve been writing literally all of my conscious life, and I’ve watched myself progress. I’m generally pretty fair about my strengths and weaknesses in writing. When my confidence is where it’s supposed to be, and I’ve been writing often, I turn out some pretty good shit. I like my work. But my confidence took a big hit at some point lately, and I’m not sure why. All I know is that I feel like my offerings to fandom are like... boring to people, or not interesting enough, or??? I don’t know. And I feel like I don’t have any stories worth telling anymore. These are all feelings and really not based in any sort of reality, because my friends and partner tell me they like my work and my OCs, and tumblr as a whole is so astoundingly saturated with fanwork that the lack of interest most likely has nothing to do with my content and more to do with the fact that the market is full up and people don’t have time. I know all that, but when I sit down and go “okay, self, let’s write a fic”, all these mental blocks land in my path and I get too tired to deal with it and just scroll my dash instead. I don’t know what to do, but I guess I’ll just truck along until something in me changes. :/

10. What is something you’ve been particularly grateful for lately? >> That while my thanatophobia is nowhere near fixed, it’s been a little quieter lately. I’ve been able to sleep, and being able to sleep makes a lot of other things more manageable by default, so it’s like an ouroboros (in this case, a good one; but when I can’t sleep then it becomes a terrible one, lol). I’m using the lull to try to install some better programming, some less spiral-y thought patterns, that sort of thing. I don’t know if it’s helping, but I’ve literally got more to gain than I stand to lose, so.

11. What kind of change or opportunity would be the biggest help in your life right now? >> A therapist. But... like, one I feel like I can build a relationship with, not one who I dread seeing (which has been every therapist I’ve ever had). But like, besides just the benefit to my mental health... the clock is really ticking; recertification for SSI will most likely be happening within the next year and I have no psych team. How will they know how to judge my case if I’m not in any kind of treatment? That’s how people end up cut off. :T

12. Is there one emotion that you experience more often than any other? Is there an emotion you rarely ever experience? >> I experience amusement most often, probably. If that’s an emotion. An emotion I rarely experience is... shame? Most likely.

13. How mature would you say you are? What qualities do you think make a person mature? >> I don’t know how to gauge maturity, least of all my own. What is my basis for comparison? Adulthood as it is in modern USian society is a crock, most of the time -- the way people understand it is all kinds of flawed. What are our passage rites? Who are our elders? Where do we learn how to be a productive member of our community (and not just a cog in the capitalist machine)? The people we look up to are often no better off than we are. Individualism as a social standard (as opposed to the understanding of oneself as an individual) and the division of the community structure has ruined our ability to understand ourselves in relation to other people properly. What is maturity, in a society like this? What is my role in my society, and how well am I fulfilling it? What have I learned about life, and how much of it is truly worth knowing and passing on? Questions, questions, questions.

14. When was the last time you believed there might be something seriously medically wrong with you? What was the ultimate diagnosis? >> I mean, I always think my body’s about to fall apart, even though I’m aware that’s illogical and just a byproduct of thanatophobia. I don’t think I’ve ever thought anything was seriously medically wrong with me, because generally nothing is.

15. What is one illness you are afraid of having? Do you know anyone who has faced this illness? >> Anything that involves degeneration of the brain (Alzheimer’s and the sort). And no, I don’t know anyone personally with anything like that.

16. How do you tend to behave when you’re sick? What kinds of things do you like people to do for you, if anything, to help you feel better? >> I’m so rarely ill that I’m not even sure, lmao. I think it’d depend on what kind of sick I am, because different illnesses require different methods of care.

17. If you’re someone who rarely eats breakfast, is there a reason for this? If you do usually eat breakfast, are there any other meals you avoid or skip for any reason, and why so? >> I mean, I eat when I’m hungry, and I don’t care what the time of day is (as long as it’s not too close to bedtime). So I don’t really label my meals using “breakfast”, “lunch”, and so on.

18. When was the last time you did something you were proud of? Were other people proud of you as well? Does it matter to you whether or not other people care about your accomplishments, or is your own satisfaction enough? >> Probably finishing some questline in a video game. And no, I mean, I didn’t really tell anyone or anything. It’s not really an important thing. Woo, big deal, video games, who cares.

19. What is your least favorite thing about the season you’re currently experiencing? Are you okay with most types of weather, or are you only happy under certain conditions? >> I don’t like sweating or feeling lethargic because of heat / humidity. I’m usually okay with most types of weather as long as they’re not extreme, but if there are long stretches of cloudy / rainy days I feel pretty diminished and gloomy-doomy.

20. Have you made any changes to your style or “look” lately? How often do you change your appearance, hairstyle, fashion, etc? Or is it a pretty constant thing? >> No, not really. I don’t know what to change. My executive function when it comes to appearance is like... in negative integers. I just... I lost the knack for it. Whatever.

21. What are some things you do to feel pampered? >> I’m not sure I ever feel pampered, lmao. I tried to think about it and I just got this tangled ball of wires regarding like, stuff I can’t even explain quickly, so I’m just gonna move on.

22. What was the last thing you felt hopeful about? Do you think there’s a good chance of whatever-it-is working out in your favor, or not so much? >> Well, the last thing I felt hopeful about was getting out to see The Equalizer 2 today, and then the whole debit card thing happened, so I actually had my hopes dashed. And all because I did what I was supposed to do! But doing what I was supposed to do means that now I have to wait for a new debit card, which means I can’t go to the movies today (I can’t get to the bank and just get cash, which is what the lady on the phone said to do! I don’t fucking drive!!!). So, you know. Right now I’m just focusing on salvaging my day and my mood.

23. In what ways are you prone to black and white thinking? In what ways do you see more in terms of color or gray? >> I don’t know, I’m mostly a grey person by necessity or by design or whatever. Sometimes I’ll think “I’m a complete fucking idiot” because I did one dumb thing, or something, but like... it’s just because I’m upset about the one thing and can’t properly process that one thing at the moment without like, making a mountain out of it. That’s why I just try to distract myself until the feeling passes, because that’s the only way to get my brain to move on.

24. Are there types of people you will simply never understand (not necessarily ~empathize with) no matter how hard you might try? Are there people you seem to understand almost immediately? >> Well, yeah, definitely. I mean, I can’t possibly understand everyone. I don’t expect myself to, either. I guess I understand people who are like me? Like, that’s logical, right? I don’t know.

25. When was the last time you tried something you’ve never tried before? How likely are you to break from your routine and try new things? >> The only thing I can think of recently is playing Journey, because I’d never played that before. I don’t know how often I try new things, especially since a lot of “trying new things” involves either money I don’t have or access I don’t have.

26. Have you ever “recovered” from anything? What does “recovery” mean or look like to you? >> I don’t think so. I think mental recovery is a long-term shifting of paradigms and changing of perspective that can only be truly comprehended in retrospect. I think in that respect, I’ll be recovering for a long time. This is why I prefer the small-scale focus rather than the wide-scale focus, because using the wide-scale focus too much makes everything feel bleak and futile -- we may have a more complex consciousness and a more complex understanding of time and space, but I think exercising that cosmic viewpoint frequently can be really taxing on the brain (which manifests in things like existential despair, thanatophobia, etc). So instead of thinking about “recovery”, I think about being good to myself today. And that’s that.

27. What are some ways your childhood differed from those of others around you? Do you think this difference was harmful or advantageous in the long run? >> Hm. I was raised as a “gifted child” with all the ridiculous bullshit that entailed. I was sheltered to an absurd degree for a modern child (like, I didn’t watch cartoons and didn’t know what actual video games [as opposed to computer games] were until I was almost an adult). I didn’t make my first friend until sixth grade, and I was so socially undeveloped that I ended up losing her before the year was out. I didn’t know how to talk to people, I was sullen and withdrawn, I lived in my headspace and didn’t bother with the actual world around me. My curiosity as a child was severely blunted by alienation (I guess I’m making up for that lack of curiosity now, huh). I was pretty obviously not a normal child, but no one could see that?? Or didn’t care?? As long as I got good grades and didn’t cut up in class, no one cared about my development, I guess. I think the nature of my childhood didn’t do me any favours, but I also think that I’ve done the best I could with what I had (which wasn’t much). I eventually had to teach myself socialisation by observation, for example, and I think I did a decent enough job. I can’t blame my parent and the adults around him for my stunted development forever. Now it’s my responsibility.

28. What is one thing you are really good at compared to most people? What about one thing you are really bad at compared to others? >> I really don’t know how to determine this. I think it’s too easy to judge oneself unfairly in comparison to other people, so I try not to do it on purpose, you dig.

29. Do you think people are “all good” or “all bad”? What would make someone qualify as “bad” or “good” to you, or do you simply not think in those terms? >> No, I don’t think that. I don’t even think of people in terms of “bad” or “good”, unless we’re literally playing a Fable game where you have an actual “good/evil” meter. Even then, I’ve spent most of my time in that fandom unpacking that stupid fucking spectrum and writing the characters with the nuance they deserve. So, you know. I’m pretty sick of good/evil or good/bad as a whole. People are people, and that’s that on that.

30. When was the last time you did something out in nature? Do you notice a dip in your mood when you don’t get enough of the Great Outdoors? >> I guess that’d be on the Fourth, when we went to Creekside Park to eat lunch. I... really don’t spend a whole lot of time outside anymore, and I think it’s directly related to how much I don’t like where I live. I’ve tried on many occasions to be more enthusiastic about something, anything, about Grand Rapids, Michigan, and I really fucking can’t. I can’t do it. And I’m tired of trying to make myself do it. So now I just don’t do shit. Which isn’t any better, I know. I’m just trying to make do, here.

#surveys #survey #random survey

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pagerunner-j · 6 years

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Before I begin, the obligatory disclaimer: the following is a bit of a feelings dump, and it’s more personal than I meant to get, especially since I’d intended to avoid posting personal stuff here at all. When I say “please don’t reblog,” I mean “PLEASE LISTEN THIS TIME AND DON’T REBLOG.”

But there’s a lot I’m trying to process about last night’s story, the friction between narrative and game mechanics, and the emotional repercussions of this sort of scenario. It’s been a long build-up that all kind of came to a head for me last night. Ergo, this post.

To give proper context, though, I need to back up a bit to the first campaign and explain why Percy’s second death, brief as it may have been, was ultimately worse for me than the first.

—

2017 did not start well. One January day I got a call from my audibly ill father saying that both he and my mother were in the emergency room. She’d been admitted for congestive heart failure. He was diagnosed within the day with what turned out to be stage 4 colon cancer. He’d been avoiding appointments, ignoring symptoms, and putting off the inevitable, until the doctors went in only to find that the tumors had spread to the point that there was nothing they could do. I still have a clearer mental image than I’d like of my dad’s scars, along with bags and tubes hanging out because what was left of his system couldn’t do its job anymore. They stitched him back up as neatly as they could, but there was no fixing the real damage. It was done.

I didn’t have much room to breathe for quite a while. My life was pretty much consumed with trying to figure out how the hell to handle any of this. I did manage, for better or for worse, to keep carving out a little bit of time each week to watch Critical Role, because I needed something good to think about while everything else was falling apart.

Unfortunately for me, it took less than two weeks between the day all that began and the final battle with Raishan.

I was braced for possible bad outcomes, considering the severity of the fight, but what I wasn’t prepared for was for someone to get felled in a way that was basically mundane. Sure, it was a dragon that did it, so much of the situation was fantastical: an enormous mythical monster, and a swipe of larger-than-life claws. But what I had to deal with, because it was, of course, described in detail, was an evisceration. It was, to be blunt, my favorite character getting his guts ripped out. And because Pat had to go and up that ante, writer that he is, I found myself sitting numbly through a scene afterward of Kerrek beside Percy’s body, trying uselessly to put the ruined mess back together.

I still can’t think about that scene without feeling sick. I couldn’t even feel properly relieved when Percy got revived. I wanted to. Obviously I was glad that he was there for the rest of the campaign, because I wanted to see his story find a less abrupt end. I just didn’t feel any better about the idea that well, sure, he got a magic fix. It just kind of ended up spotlighting the futility of what I was staring down.

My dad died in May that year, on a Thursday night. I got home very late after hours of trying to deal with things, and found myself alone, overwhelmed and unsure what to do with myself. For lack of anything else better to do, I pulled up that night’s VOD. I couldn’t really focus on it; I kept drifting out and only sort of coming back to. I let the episode keep running for a while, though, at least wanting some friendly voices to listen to.

Then I realized what everyone was doing, and I looked at the timestamp, and I counted backwards. And I froze.

While the party was playacting at speaking with the dead, I was sitting in a hospice room listening to my father pleading with us to let him go.

I only got a few seconds further in before I stopped the video and turned away.

Despite the fact that I’ve watched almost everything Critical Role has ever done, I still have no idea how that episode ends.

—

After all this I went in for my own medical tests, since my own heretofore-handwaved-by-my-doctors health concerns suddenly seemed more pressing. It turns out, unsurprisingly, I inherited all the fun stuff. Fortunately, none of the growths were cancerous yet, because at least my unfortunate genetic legacy is something that, with proper screenings and care, it’s possible to stay ahead of. But I was told they’d need me to come in in another six months, and probably every year after that forever — or until something finally goes nuclear, whichever comes first.

Guess we’ll see.

My shorter term problems were enough to deal with on their own. The day after the test, I found out I was losing my health insurance. Two days later I found out I was losing my job. Everything since has basically been trying to patch things together from scraps. Sometimes things are sort of okay. Sometimes it’s a bottomless pit of uncertainty. Obviously, nothing in the wider world has exactly improved since, either. In sum total: fun times, especially considering I was already struggling with severe anxiety before all this began.

I wasn’t really sure how to emotionally process the ratcheting stakes in Critical Role at that point either. When you’re still watching the show because you need a breather from months of continual crisis, but your beloved characters are facing down things like, oh, a dread god and the very real possibility of everything going straight to hell, it’s…not exactly something you can turn to for relief, per se. I kept on going, because the bright spots were still so good, but I can’t exactly say I was enjoying myself for significant parts of the run, either. It was also where I started to feel a very real frustration with D&D and the inherent capriciousness that can creep in.

In short, I desperately, desperately did not want this battle to go wrong. I didn’t want to have to face a story that I’d become so invested in going completely south not because it necessarily made narrative sense, but because the dice (as they always have the opportunity to do) said “fuck you.” Yes, the feeling was probably more selfish on my part than anything else. But I still hope it’s understandable for emotional reasons, and it also got me thinking again about the entire logic of “that’s just how the game works,” and how far you can run with that before you finally trip and hurt yourself.

I’ve always had problems with a few common things in game design. One of them — usually less of a problem when we’re talking about high-level D&D, although it can still surprise you — is when things arbitrarily become harder in the game than they would be in real life. (Floor/jumping puzzles in video games where you can’t step diagonally For Reasons, I’m looking at you.) Another is any kind of gameplay mechanic that robs you of your turn or otherwise puts you out of play. Varying degrees of success or failure is one thing, but I could never understand what’s ever fun about being stopped from participating in the thing you’ve come to do. Still, one way or another, there are so many ways for that to happen. Failed dice rolls, getting stunned or disabled, outright death: there are so, so many ways.

And it’s one thing if that’s happening during the course of, say, an everyday board game, but it feels different if it starts changing the course of a full-blown story.

Part of this is the editor in me talking (who will have words with me about this post, I’m sure), because she has Opinions about it all. She always wants to keep the story on track, not go off on useless tangents, and not drop things without getting proper resolution. She’s big on structure and pacing, suspicious of too much chaos. She does not get along well with D&D. This isn’t to say that this forms the entirety of my opinion, mind; I can still appreciate the way the game works, and the fact that so many interesting and unexpected things can be born entirely because of the random element, improvisation, and decisions you have to make in the moment. But dropped threads, unfinished plots, interrupted ideas, the things that get lost, or the characters that do…those can end up haunting me.

Honestly, and this is probably always going to be a fundamental disconnect between me and any D&D game: I’ve discovered both through watching CR and playing the game a bit myself that I don’t really care about the game as much of anything except as a skeleton for storytelling. If it supports the narrative, if it gives structure, if it enables activities, if it provides opportunities for play, I’m all for it. If it yanks the rug out from under you just because, again, the dice decided to say “fuck you,” or the rules get weird, or there’s something else that just doesn’t mesh between player and scenario and/or DM, I have a harder time with it.

And it’s crushing when stories I care about collapse or turn sour because the game says so, and for reasons that feel almost cruelly arbitrary — particularly when I’m getting more than enough of that in real life.

So for CR, the ending of campaign 1 was an exercise in protracted anxiety. I was in a space where I needed something to work out, but even the entertainment I’d been turning to was becoming dangerously precarious. Wasn’t the best feeling.

In the end, luckily, it ended about as well as it could have: not without consequence, but without everything crashing down. I felt relieved, and satisfied, and glad we got a chance for resolution with the characters we’d been following for months. If anyone had to permadie, the character who was already bound to the goddess of death was not a shocker, and in many ways it’s the kindest choice; he got more resolution than any human being in the real world ever will. It barely even registered as a sad ending. I envied him, really.

I’ve watched far worse go down.

Meanwhlie, i was also thinking that even though it would be tough to say goodbye to these characters, it could also be a refreshing reset. We’d get new characters needing to find out who they are, what they want, what they’re good at, how to relate to each other, how to begin. Smaller stories, with not everything having to be about the END OF THE WORLD (again). Lower stakes. I was fine with the idea of lower stakes for a while, and less threat of impending death and pain.

Well. Like I said. It was an idea.

That brings me around to Molly, and to story decisions and gameplay decisions that both broke my heart seven ways from goddamn Sunday.

—

It took me a while to come at this part, because it took some time for the thought to crystallize that I wasn’t only reacting to the rolls of the dice in last night’s scenario. That was part of it, absolutely. Luck is a thing, strategies work or don’t, fate is capricious. I wish that several things had played out very differently, and I’m especially upset that the way things fell out, it stopped a story in its tracks that had barely even started. (I’ll come back to that.) So the start of the thought was still game vs. narrative, and it’s part of why I wrote that whole run-up you just read.

That said, the more I poked at it, the more I got upset that we were playing out a scenario like this at all.

I was thinking aloud about this in another post, but to preface it a bit better: There’s an entire meta level to three players being gone last night that everyone knew about. I understand the impulse to avoid metagaming, but it also creates some odd situations, like everyone trying (and failing, because — yep — the dice said “fuck you”) to investigate the area and find out why their friends were gone. So we had to start with a big, clunky process of the characters figuring out what the audience and the cast already knew: that Matt had written Jester, Fjord, and Yasha out by having them get kidnapped. The story is streamlined enough. The gameplay around it, not so much.

But here’s what I got hung up on once it all sunk in: why did this have to be the story in the first place?

I’m not thrilled with how a situation that arose in real life because of pretty much the prototypical joyous event (i.e. a new baby) and something that had been mundane on the show until now (Ashley being away) got turned into a brutal story about a triple kidnapping and trafficking, which promptly resulted in a death. And it says a lot about the underlying plot they’re dealing with, which is not something I’m sure I’m willing to ride with much further. I’ve been leery for a while – starting off with mutterings about an evil god only a few episodes in put me on edge from the start – and then there’s the political unrest and the religious conflicts and people disappearing…it’s all going somewhere really unpleasant really fast.

It’s also derailed a story I wanted, which hurts like hell.

We’d barely even gotten to know Molly. Molly had barely even gotten to know Molly. We got tantalizing hints, and plenty of suggestions that there was more to discover — probably an entire character arc’s worth of material. And then…this. My inner editor? Yeah, she’s screaming with frustration. In any traditionally structured narrative, this would not have happened, because even if a death was in the cards, ether it would have been timed differently so that you could get further down the road with him, or if the character was always meant to die early, any decent edit would have trimmed out most of the details that suggested at things that never got payoff. But it’s D&D, and so it’s the push-pull at work: game vs. story, plus a(n un)healthy dose of “unavoidable meta circumstances vs. the apparent need for A: drama and B: to barrel right ahead into a crisis even though there were other choices that could have been made in the light of said meta circumstances.” And…here we are.

Here we are, with a dead character who should not, let’s be honest, be dead, and a story left hanging, and far fewer obvious options for fixing it than we had at any such crisis point in the previous campaign, and lots of miserable, hurt people.

One of them being me.

—

There’s a reason this shit hurts. Personally speaking, it would hurt even if I didn’t have over a year’s worth of unfortunate circumstances making narrative swerves like this even harder to take. It hurts because the story and the characters are so engaging, because they’re worth the investment, and, yes, because when things go wrong, sometimes they’re for reasons that make me want to flip a goddamn table. And yes, maybe it’s silly to get worked up when they might — might — be able to do something about it. But we can’t count on it, and so yes. It hurts. It hurts to have a source of joy becoming something else, especially when there were so many other options. It hurts to watch favorite characters get hurt and killed, yet still be expected to write it all off as “that’s just how the game works!”, as if having emotions about it is a weakness and to be scorned.

Honestly, I found myself screaming “FUCK THE GAME” aloud last night (and probably upsetting the neighbors), which sums my feelings up succinctly enough that I should have started right there. :\

But…again, here we are, and here I am, struggling with feeling hurt and sad and exhausted with so many things veering toward pain again when I was hoping for something different, and writing big long word-vomits of posts about it.

Because D&D.

(Memo to Editor Brain: I’m tired, and I’m not going to give you another three hours to edit this post into something more manageable, so you will just have to cope. Not everything or everyone gets good endings anyway. Apparently.)

#cr talk #cr spoilers

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dressedupkiss · 3 years

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84 days

12 weeks until March 2021.

Twelve weeks doesn’t sound like much.

But I don’t have much to do in my days so the time goes by sort of slowly but at a decent pace. I don’t have any habitual places to go or things to do.

Sometimes I play guitar and ukulele, I sing every now and then each day, I listen to music, I browse the internet...

Sometimes I go for walks but not much in winter time like now. I meditate and burn plan material, sometimes smudging sometimes smoking. I watch movies sometimes.

I lay in my bed basically all day long. Some days I will exercise for around an hour. But most of the time I feel like laying down. I do my laundry and dishes. I keep my place tidy as I can with all these random things.

I won’t be having any visitors anytime soon. My best friend stayed for over a week and left yesterday evening. I’m gonna be alone for a few weeks until Christmas dinners start happening. I’ll get money for Christmas from my dad and I’m not gonna get much from anyone but I don’t mind. It’ll be a chill Xmas this year.

It’s the 7th Monday and on Wednesday I get the dreaded injection again. Oh well. I had a bad dream about having to take another med and it was really stupid, it’s like a hospital and my elementary school and people are bothering me about my health. But there was a sexy lady turning me on so that felt good. She was a redhead and really beautiful.

I’m gonna try to spend lots of money on my MasterCard this month and next month. My friend gave me money for staying here so that covers my Mc payment. I spend $70 extra dollars this month so far though and I usually don’t do that. Oh well.

I just paid 120 on my mc and I have $394 for 20 more days this month. I’ll have free food a few times for early Xmas dinner and on Xmas dinner and I’ll stay at my moms and get fed on Boxing Day too. And my dad will give me money so I’ll have $19 a day for food and any money my dad gives me I will save for my MasterCard.

I’m at $1006 and now $886 but there is about $11 in interest each month so $897 I’ll be at. Hopefully I can spend another hundred on it later this month or next month. I’ll save it for January. And in January I get gst cheque of $160 so I’ll save that for February.

Feb and March will be low fund months cuz I only get $484 a month for all my bills and food and I have to put $120 on my Mc each month at least. So that’s $364 for food in feb and March. Hopefully my dad will get my groceries again for those months.

And then in April I will get $160 gst again which will help and I’ll put it all on my Mc.

I will be paid off by July next year by paying my most reasonable amount and not overdoing it. I should be saving my money to put every little extra bit on my mc but if I just have until summer to have to keep paying I think that will be okay.

I won’t have much extra spending money for the whole summer but I guess I will have to manage. Hopefully my dad buys me groceries and that lasts me all month long so I can buy little extra things here and there. I like spending my money on cool things and treating myself.

I’m glad I’ll be debt free next year. I spent $105 while Joel stayed with me. I bought cds and a sweater and random snacks here and there. At least it was only a hundred but that’s still a lot. Joel’s influence has me spending my dough. But they gave me $150 so I guess I spent my extra. And I paid my Mc and I still have a reasonable amount for food. Roughly $20 a day isn’t bad for a month. And I’ll get Xmas food.

If I can go the rest of this week without buying anything I’ll have a lot extra money. I’ll have to eat rice and soup and such. I have bananas and apples and not much of an appetite. So it should work out. I might even have extra for my Mc which would be awesome.

I want to pay it off before July, maybe I will get lots of birthday money in April and I can use that on it. That would be so nice to spend summer with all my extra money, having my full $484 for everything. I shouldn’t have spent money on random bullshit in earlier months this year but I guess I wasn’t thinking. I remember wasting $70 on clothes I don’t need. Oh well.

I’ve wasted a lot of money on clothes in my life. I’m doing better now but still spending on cds and stuff but I need these cds cuz they are super important music to me. Even though I won’t have a lot of extra spending money I’ll still spend money on things. I try to buy low money food and not eat out much. I think everything will work out and I’ll be paid off before July. I’m excited to be debt free, I will feel so proud.

Joel gets me into money issues kind of. They had $1500 to themselves this month and they’ve already spent almost all of it and it’s only the 7th. They really know how to waste money. I know how to spend and still save and not spend when I’m getting low. If I had $1500 to myself without having to pay rent I would have paid off my credit cards. I’m glad I only have the one credit card.

I’m waiting for my hair to grow and for my Mc to be paid off. I don’t have much else to wait for. I don’t know what kinds of fun things will be happening in springtime summertime because of covid. I wonder if they will solve the virus and everyone can go back to normal. I’m not afraid of the virus and I want to meet new people. But all in due time.

I’m alone a lot but I need to be. Having one best friend who is spiritually inclined and Métis and two spirited is fulfilling enough for my social life. I don’t need much socialization. I like the peace and quiet of the world. I like meditating and praying and being silent and chilling out. I don’t like bullies or loud mouths or rude people. I don’t like dirty stinky people that want to ruin a pure persons clean. I like being clean. I’m also wild and respectful. I love nature and nature loves me. I’m ready for the spring.

I’m gonna be on social assistance for a few more years probably. I don’t know how or where I’ll get a part time job eventually but that will probably be good for me. I just want to keep chilling out for now though.

I get all my time to myself to do whatever I want. That’s a blessing of mine. I’m never bothered by anyone and nobody expects any responsibilities of me except myself. I gotta keep my clothes and dishes clean and bedsheets and body. I have good hygiene and I’m attractive and in decent shape. I’ve got extra tummy poundage but it’s ok it’s not that bad but it’s not the best.

I’m very comfortable and I feel good here. The breeze kisses me and I have a spirit with me that encourages me to feel my best. When I look in the mirror I see beautiful eyes and a nice face. I like myself.

I still dream of Laura a bit but I know I’ll have to wait for death or a miracle day to have any time with her. She completely disregarded my need for love and hurt me deeply. She still looks fun and beautiful but she is not that way to me. Only in my visions is she kind and giving. When I die I will have a lot of satisfying conversations.... in my dreams last night there was a sort of video game with Laura in a car and she was in a wheelchair too and I laughed at her for having a problem in life. Some part of me wants her to have a hard time cuz she made me have such difficult moments for so many years. Her consciousness is riddled with drugs and abuse and she hurt my soul deeply. When I am dead and she is dead I will have a comforting interaction with her and she will probably see why I am fun to love too.

It hurts a lot to find someone fun to love and they don’t feel like loving you back. It hurts a heck of a lot. She was the most elegant beautiful skin I had ever witnessed up close and I fell deeply for her in a way I’ve never experienced before; I lost consciousness yet I was still awake when I fell in love with Laura. I had so many beautiful visions of her... I wondered why nobody else ever could tell how beautiful my love for her was. And I loved her for 8 years. I now feel like I can wait for death or a miracle before I get to talk to her for real.

She made me feel like my life doesn’t mean anything. I felt judged to an insane degree. Slander swarming the air around me, hatred and disgust, rumours and disrespect. There are a lot of angry people in this city of Saskatoon and I dealt with a lot of their inner thoughts about me. Good thing I always know I’m gorgeous and strong and a healer and mighty and beautiful because their slander was unwarranted yet I had to witness it and get through it with a positive new day in my future.

I’ll get to eat sleep and breathe calmly for the next 3 years on social assistance. I wonder when I’ll be weaned off the injection.

Life doesn’t have a lot going on and it is easy. You welcome death and people help you. Be brave enough to suffer and aid will come. For how alone I am, I am still not alone. The spirits bless me and I am kept safe. I have my own family here and my brother died so my life can be more safe with his protection. I fell in love with Laura because love is protective too and the angels blessed me in Laura’s beautiful vision and I got through the toughest part of my life so far.... getting a home to myself.

I am left alone to rumerate and soak up my peace. Nobody has a lot of time for me except my best friend sometimes but she has her own issues and can’t be by my side every time.

I am on a spirit walk to find the nature that needs me.

I’m not close with my mom anymore because she wants me to be feminine and I’ve always been masculine; I feel disrespected by her and it hurts me deeply.

I’m not close with my step dad because he doesn’t like homosexuals and since I came out of the closet I know he has an issue with me.

I’m not close with my dad because he is sick and says horrible things and expects everything to be fine forever. He has serious emotional issues and doesn’t deal with them and he abuses drugs and alcohol and I don’t have any respect for that person.

I don’t like my dads girlfriend because she doesn’t understand what I am and she assumes disgusting things and has a sick understanding of the world. She judges my life and she wastes hers away. I don’t respect her either.

My living triplet brother has shown me time after time that he takes my power away when I am weak and he weakens me more so he can be dominant. He doesn’t respect me and I don’t feel safe around him. He isn’t a good guy and I don’t admire his way of life. He has let me down too many times for me to keep a true love for him.

My older brother is a hermit and never contacts me and he seems like a pussy and he doesn’t enjoy being a man. I lost my communication with him years ago when I was having stressful mental times. Everyone in the family judges me now because I am the crazy one.

My best friend spends time with me out of their convenience and gets me to help them with stuff and we don’t hang out to hang out it’s always to fix some issue in their life. They don’t have the energy to talk to me about what I want to talk about so I feel stepped on and disregarded by them. They say they love me and I know they do but they also don’t have a lot of time for me. I am quiet and calm so they assume I have nothing to do and nowhere to want to be. They are a loud busy person and conceited and annoying and repetitive and they think I’m a pussy but I think they are too. We fight sometimes because they’re not true best friend material for me but they’re all I have. I don’t have a deep thinking artist friend. I don’t have a fun loving musician friend. I just have a self hating erratic friend that doesn’t respect me a lot of the time but is impossible to see that. I am challenged to stick up for myself most times I see them and that’s not a friendship situation. That’s a bully. But they’re all I have for social life so I take what they say with a grain of salt and I enjoy them and their dog as much as I can. They’re still a person that cares about me, they just have a lot of self centred habitual thinking that bothers me.

I don’t have anyone else in my life. My family doesn’t feel like family anymore for years now and I only have one okay friend that my family doesn’t like. So I have no beautiful woman today, I have no beautiful best friend.

I have issues with people and I have a lot of alone time. I feel hurt by everyone and I need to find someone who appreciates me for me.

Time will tell who in this city will fall for me.

I will be respected one day.

And I will live every day until I die.

I probably have over 25000 days to live if I die of old age. That’s a thousand days 25 times over. I have a lot of days to get through.

And the sun will shine and the birds will sing and the fluffy kitties and puppies will play. And the world will be okay. And people will heal.

It is a good life.

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wonderfulworldofmichaelford · 7 years

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The Emoji Movie review

[NOTE: THE FOLLOWING IS AN OVEREXAGGERATION. PLEASE DO NOT WORRY OR TAKE HOW I SAY THINGS 100% SERIOUSLY. THIS MOVIE HAS NOT ACTUALLY MADE ME SUICIDAL.]

This is it. The Emoji Movie. A film I and the rest of the world have been dreading. Today I have finally seen this film, and… it has drained me of all will to live. This is it; I can’t live in this world any longer after having seen this movie. This has to be my last review, because I can no longer live in a world where this movie exists.

Is it because it’s so abysmally bad as all the reviews said? Is it truly the worst animated film ever made, an utterly soulless cash grab of a movie? What could drive me to my death like this?

The fact that… I just… even after seeing it, I just can’t muster up the absolutely vitriolic hatred everyone else seems to have for it. It’s not even bad. It’s not even good. It’s just… meh. This movie is meh. And after getting so hyped up to see the worst animated film ever, this is… disappointing. Heart-breakingly, soul-crushingly disappointing.

So, what is the story here? Well, Ralph is a villain who feels out of pl- uh, sorry, Emmet is a LEGO man who wants to conform but ju- oh, um, pardon. Joy is an emotion who… okay, you get the idea. This film is nothing but a bald-faced, shameless ripoff of the plots of a dozen better films. The “Be yourself” message, the hero who wants to conform but learns to love being expressive, the journey to find oneself… it has been done to death, and done a billion times better. This movie is just every animated cliché ever. Fuck, the whole trailer revealed the entire plot and story arc in two minutes.

God… the worst thing, aside from the plot, is the main characters… But they aren’t even bad enough. They’re all so unbearably generic and trite. Gene is your average hero questioning his identity. He’s Ralph, he’s Emmet, he’s basically every goddamn animated protagonist for years and years, only with most of his personality excised and replaced with all the beats but none of the character. For an emoji with so many expressions beyond the one he’s supposed to have, he’s not very expressive. And even with all that, he’s just so inoffensively bland it’s hard to hate him. Hi-5 is an obnoxious comedy sidekick who contributes very little to the story and serves as a hindrance more often than not. But… he’s still got a few good jokes in him, and while he’s absolutely obnoxious and selfish, he’s still not as awful as he could be. Jailbreak is a ripoff of all the blue-haired action girls you can imagine, shamelessly cribbing Sombra, Chloe Price, Wyldstyle, and more, just subtracting anything that makes those characters interesting… and even then, she’s still not totally void of good moments. These three characters are who we spend time with so much, and they aren’t more than depressingly bland, generic archetypes. It hurts. Why couldn’t they just be absolutely, unlikably awful? Like, they all suck, but they just don’t suck enough!

And goddamn, is this plot filled with horrible, awful stupidity! We have Jailbreak spouting off terrible, hamfisted feminist messages by stating men take credit for things women say all the time, we have the human characters acting like words are uncool and emojis are the only worthwhile form of communication, we have the conceit that phones have firewalls and that internet trolls can just simply be deleted forever with the click of a button… oh, if only. There’s just so much that is unbelievably stupid and pathetic and poorly done, the whole story feels like nothing but a first draft that somehow got greenlit with no corrections done. And that’s not getting in to all of the blatant product placement, such as the cringeworthy portrayal of Dropbox as some sort of heavenly safehaven, Twitter ending up being a savior, outdated meme videos playing on YouTube, and the extended Candy Crush scene.

But I wouldn’t feel like dying if there wasn’t those few things of value, those things that keep me from letting loose pure unbridled hatred as so many others have, and saving myself. For instance, the animation… God, this film is an absolute treat for the eyes. The backgrounds, the visuals, the human characters, there is just so much visual stimulation in this film. It’s plain fun to look at, and it’s such a shame that so much talent and effort was used to make… this. It honestly hurts worse knowing that this gorgeous film is a subpar animated comedy.

Oh, but even more depressing is that the film has some genuinely good characters. The villain, Smiler, is so absolutely blatantly villainous due to how passive-agressively nice she constantly has to be she ends up being far more likable and entertaining than the so-called heroes. It helps too that she lives in what can only be described as a cosmic horror story, a Baby’s First Lovecraft if you will: she lives in a universe controlled by a fickle teenage boy whose first reaction to even the slightest malfunction is DELETE EVERYTHING. She has every right to be as concerned to the point of madness, as even the slightest fuckup would result in the utter annihilation of her entire universe; it’s to the point where she, despite the fact that in any other movie she would have crossed a million lines, comes across as one of the most reasonable characters in the film.

Then we have Poop, the character voiced by Patrick Stewart, and a shining example of how this film wastes brilliance. Poop has maybe ten lines in the movie and a few visual jokes, but everything he says tends to be rather funny, and he even manages to squeeze in a Star Trek joke. Why didn’t he get to go on the journey instead of Hi-5? If we’re going to listen to a bunch of jokes, even shit jokes, for 80 or so minutes, at least it’s Patrick Stewart telling them.

Next are Gene’s parents, Mary and Mel. These two are, without a doubt, the funniest characters in the entire movie, due to being in a constant state of “meh.” They react to even the most intense and stressful situations with just the most hilarious indifference, and even more baffling, they get a truly beautiful and emotional scene late in the film (!!!). Yes, you read that right: there is actually a beautiful and emotional scene in this movie. This only further compounds my sadness; why was the movie not about these two? They’re the best characters! Why is the spotlight on their boring son, instead of on these two hilariously indifferent emojis who can actually pull off a genuinely tender moment?

Finally, we have Akiko Glitter, a joyous, bouncy dancer who appears in the Just Dance app. She’s sweet, she’s fun, she’s cute, she plays Wham! She’s such a kind and bouncy character! …And at the end of her only scene she is coldly and brutally murdered by Smiler’s robots as her game is being deleted from the phone. Her death is bizarrely shocking and depressing for this film, and even worse… we see what happens to her after being deleted. She is trapped in the garbage, continuously dancing in agony as it is all she knows how to do, her eyes dead as she goes through the motions of a job that no longer exists. And despite her kindness to Gene and friends, Gene opts to leave her to die in the trash, not even bothering to save her when he comes to save Hi-5. And yes: she dies down there. This wonderful, fun-loving lady is left to die in a hellhole filled with garbage, trolls, and spam. Fucking Christ. If I was not depressed before, I am now.

So to sum things up, this movie has four redeeming features: evil brought on by existential dread, shit, unadulterated indifference, and the horrific death of beauty and joy. That sounds eerily like every review has painted this film, and yet… and yet… It really isn’t close to being that bad. Chicken Little was way worse. Doogal was way worse. There are so many movies that are absolutely, horrendously, abysmally awful, so many films unfathomably worse than this movie, that the hatred feels overblown to the point of being hollow. And I wanted so badly to hate this movie! I wanted to join in with the crowds, and cast this down as the worst animated film ever! But, I just can’t in good conscience do that, because it truly isn’t. The hatred for this movie is just a knee-jerk reaction to the soulless cash grab feel it has. And it is that, but it’s just not bad enough even with that glaringly obvious fact permeating it. I can’t even tell you if it’s so bad it’s good… it just kind of… exists. It has highs, it has lows, and I just can’t really sum up how I feel about it accurately…

Well… I guess I can… This movie is “meh.” I cannot bring myself to feel strongly about it one way or the other. And that’s why I can’t bear to live anymore; this movie let me down in the worst possible way. It just wasn’t bad enough to warrant my vitriol, or good enough to warrant my praise. This movie promised to give me at least one extreme, and I silently prayed for the other against all odds… and it delivered nothing. It delivered a depressingly middling experience.

So farewell. This is it. The big finish. There’s only one way I can truly end my life after seeing this, and that is by calling upon the one true awful emoji film…

I did it for the lulz.

#Review #Movie review #The Emoji Movie #Emoji #Emoji Movie #Sony #Sony Animation #Animated movie #Patrick Stewart

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annzybwrites · 4 years

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Truth or Dare: Coming Out Edition (Chapter 6: Relaxing Time)

Read on AO3 | Donate to my Ko-Fi if you like | Ch 1, Ch 2, Ch 3, Ch 4, Ch 5, Ch 6

A South Park Fanfiction ft. Creek, Style, and Bunny

Thankfully, all of the drama seemed to have ended after Stan came back. The rest of the night was spent yelling at video games, screaming at horror movies, and laughing at the dumb presents everyone brought to the White Elephant (Stan’s dad had made him bring a big jar of weed - he slipped a twenty dollar bill in as the real present).

Eventually, 1am rolled around, and most of the boys wanted to go to sleep. But of course, excitement caused them to put in just one more movie before officially retiring to the guest beds.

Tweek and Craig didn’t mind. Since everyone was sleepy anyway, they could cuddle in their recliner without anyone bothering them too much.

“Mm,” Tweek hummed, nuzzling further against Craig’s chest. They were laying back a bit, Tweek curled up on the side with his top arm around Craig’s waist, his hair gently being played with by Craig’s steady hand. While he was ready to fall asleep, his brain was still buzzing with the earlier excitement. He’d been so excited to learn that Kenny and Butters were together - they were so cute and happy! But it sucked that they needed to keep it a secret, since that meant all of the attention would still be on him and Craig as the only out gay couple in the school. Still, he supposed it was nice not to be so alone anymore.

“Honey,” Craig whispered, brushing Tweek’s hair back so he could look up at him.

“Yeah?” Tweek took the opportunity to sit up and stretch his neck out. Cuddling was nice, but you ended up in weird positions.

“Look.” Craig helped Tweek turn so his back was laying on Craig’s chest before he gestured over to the side. When Tweek looked over, he saw Kyle sitting on the couch with Stan’s head on his shoulder, their hands clasped together. “Whatever you said to Stan,” Craig whispered, “must have really helped him out.”

Tweek smiled bright, turning onto his side again to grin up at Craig. “I’m capable of more than I think, right?”

Craig snorted and shook his head, unable to stop a grin from taking over his own face. “Shut up, babe.”

Tweek snickered and went back to laying on top of his boyfriend, closing his eyes.

However, it seemed Craig wasn’t done yet. “Hey,” he whispered, running his fingers through Tweek’s hair again. “Do you… wanna hear about when I fell in love with you?”

Tweek snapped his eyes open, pushing himself up to stare right into his eyes. “What? You, you wanna tell me? Now!?”

“Yeah.” Craig had a small, relaxed smile on his face. It made Tweek’s mouth run dry. “It’s short anyway. The gist of it is… I’ve liked you ever since we had that fight in third grade.”

“What!?” Tweek’s jaw dropped. “You mean that fight that Cartman and them set up??”

Craig nodded in response, gently pushing Tweek’s jaw back up.

“But…!” Tweek felt his head spinning. “But that doesn’t make any sense! You were so insistent you weren’t gay when everyone thought we were together!”

“Well, yeah,” Craig frowned a bit as he remembered it. “Because I wasn’t ready to admit it to myself yet. Plus, it kinda sucked having everyone pair me with my crush before I could even say anything to you.”

Tweek felt like his face was on fire. He buried his face against Craig’s shoulder, stammering, “I c-can’t believe you’ve liked me for that long!!”

“Why not, babe?” Craig asked, kissing the top of his head. “Why wouldn’t I fall for someone who can beat me up?”

Tweek snorted and looked up at him with a raised brow. “Is this your way of telling me you’re a masochist?”

“Maybe.”

“Craig!” Tweek smacked his shoulder, laughing as he shook his head.

“Hey, guys,” Kenny called out, snickering from the beanbag he and Butters were curled up on. “We can hear everything you’re saying.”

“You’re lucky Clyde’s unconscious right now,” Butters added.

“That’s why I started talking about this in the first place,” Craig revealed. “That’s what he gets for trying to embarrass me all night.”

“Ah, so you’re a sado-masochist,” Kenny joked, winking at him. “I can relate.”

“Ken!” Butters covered Kenny’s mouth with a pout. “Shush!”

“Craig, I think your whole crew is out,” Stan pointed out. Timmy was slumped over in his chair, Jimmy was lying on the floor, and Token was napping peacefully on his beanbag.

Craig groaned and moved the legrest of the recliner back down. “The rest of them are fine, but I should put Timmy to bed before he falls. Stan, help me.”

~~~~~

Rewind - when they started their last movie for the night.

“Ugh,” Kyle groaned, rubbing at his face before pulling at the bottoms of his eyes. “It’s getting really hard to stay awake.”

“Yeah,” Stan agreed, yawning. He let his head fall back on the couch then, groaning quietly. “We could just sneak off to bed.”

“Nah, dude,” Kyle shook his head. “They’ll draw dicks on our faces for sure.”

“I hate that you’re right about that.” Stan sighed, forcing himself to lift his head and watch the movie. He didn’t even know what was going on. He was more distracted by this sudden need to talk to Kyle about… well, them . It was like his brain just decided to say “Hey, you should tell your best friend that you probably, definitely like him or whatever.” And now his heart was speeding up as if he was actually going to, and now his mouth was opening and starting with, “Hey… Kyle?”

“Yeah, Stan?” He turned to look at him, his eyelids drooping.

Stan smiled a little bit. Kyle was always super cute when he was sleepy. Damn it, this was not helping. “I, um… I feel like I should…” He swallowed, starting over. “Remember earlier, when you asked when I figured out I wasn’t straight?”

Kyle felt much more awake now. “Yeah?”

“Well,” Stan’s mouth was dry, his heart one word away from stopping completely. But he still wanted to say it. “I figured it out in… in sixth grade. During…”

“During?” Kyle prompted, placing his hand over Stan’s for encouragement.

Unfortunately, that just made him more nervous. He took a breath, whispering, “During one of our sleepovers.”

Kyle was certain his heart did a loop-de-loop in his chest. Was Stan saying what he thought he was saying? Was this really happening?

“I, I’m sorry if that makes you feel weird,” Stan mumbled, gently tugging his hand away to hug his legs to his chest instead. He stared down at the ground, fear plain in his eyes. “Maybe I shouldn't have even brought it up, but I… I want you to know that I really like you, Kyle. You really are one of the best things in my life, so I don’t really care if we date or just stay best friends forever - it’s, it’s up to you. I’m just… tired of being scared of my feelings.”

“Stan,” Kyle whispered, frozen to his seat. Half of him wanted to simply push Stan down into the couch and kiss him senseless. The rational part of him urged him to actually talk it out and go slow, since that’s probably what Stan needed more than anything right now. “You know, that’s how I found out I wasn’t straight, either.”

Stan didn’t process those words right away, and Kyle could see his eyes light up when he finally did. He turned to look at him, mouth slightly agape. “R, really?”

Kyle nodded, scooting closer. Their knees touched, and neither of them moved away. “Really. Stan, I… I’ve liked you for a long time. It’s just, you were always with Wendy, or -”

“Please don’t talk about her right now,” Stan interrupted, reaching for Kyle’s hand again. He squeezed it tight, smiling down at their joined hands. “I just want to enjoy this.”

Kyle wondered if his heart really was as loud as a war drum, or if he was just really tired. He squeezed Stan’s hand back, swallowing down some of his nerves. “So… what should we do now?”

Stan flinched, ducking his head down. “I… I want to try this,” he whispered, brushing his thumb along the back of Kyle’s hand. “But… can we keep it a secret for now? I don’t really want the whole school asking me all these questions.”

Kyle clenched his teeth, glancing away. This was something else he’d been dreading - having to keep a relationship secret. He wished he could say he’s secure enough to be a secret boyfriend, but a little part of him would always wonder if Stan didn’t want to tell anyone about them because he wasn’t serious. “Stan, I don’t want to force you to come out until you’re ready, but… I’m not sure how I’ll feel about keeping a relationship a secret.”

“Not, not a complete secret,” Stan tried to backpeddle, his voice rising slightly in pitch. “Like, I don’t care if these guys know,” he gestured around the room. “And I should probably tell Wendy, but… I don’t… want my family -“

“Oh,” Kyle interrupted, reaching up to wipe at Stan’s eyes. “No, no, that makes sense.”

Stan sniffled, closing his eyes. “Ugh… I’m sorry -“

“No, it’s fine -“

“I’m such a mess.”

“It’s fine!”

“It’s not fine for you.” Stan wiped at his eyes. “You’re right, I…” he trailed off, a new thought entering his head. He dropped his hand and stared into Kyle’s eyes. “Do your parents know about you?”

“Uh.” Kyle’s eyes shifted away, a sheepish smile stretching across his face. “My mom… found a magazine.”

Stan snorted and covered his mouth, trying not to laugh.

“Oh, shut up!”

“Sorry, just…” he grinned, teasing, “a magazine? Really? That’s so old school.”

“It was one of Kenny’s, okay!?” Kyle groaned and covered his face. “What, like you’ve never… you know!”

“Yeah, with the internet,” Stan snickered, pushing at Kyle’s shoulder. “You know, in an incognito browser?”

“I didn’t want to risk getting a virus!”

“Just don’t download anything and you’re fine.”

“Gee, thanks for the tip now.”

Stan went back to laughing quietly, hunching over and resting his head on Kyle’s shoulder as he tried to breathe. “Okay okay, I’ll stop teasing.”

Kyle huffed, digging his fingers into the couch cushions since he couldn’t cross his arms with Stan so close. He waited a few moments before muttering, “I… I want to try, too, then. We’ll just tell our friends, and my mom.”

Stan’s whole body went rigid. He looked up at Kyle in another panic. “Your mom will definitely tell my mom, and as much as I love her she’ll probably let it slip to my fucking dad, and -”

“Stan,” Kyle cupped his cheek, urging him to take a breath. “My mom won’t tell anyone, especially if I stress how important it is to you. She’s gotten calmer - something about aging I guess.”

“I don’t know,” Stan mumbled, looking down at the floor. “What… what does your dad even think?”

“He doesn’t know.”

“Seriously??” Stan’s eyes widened. “Your mom hasn’t told him?”

Kyle opened his mouth, closed it, and started again. “Well… if she did, he hasn’t asked me about it.”

“This is unbelievable.” Stan pushed his hairline back, staring into the space between them. “Are you sure it’s your mom and not an alien?”

Kyle rolled his eyes, a small smile on his face. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“What evidence do you have?”

“Dude, shut up.” Kyle laughed and gently elbowed him, relaxing back against the couch. “Um,” he swallowed nervously, mumbling, “Can I ask about you and Butters?”

“Why?” Stan looked away, his hands clenching around his pantlegs. “It didn’t… we were just - testing something, I guess? It was one kiss.”

“I figured that.” Kyle brought one of his legs up, crossing it in front of him. “But like… when?”

“Oh.” Stan swallowed, rubbing his hands back and forth against his knees. “Uh… last year. Like, right before he started dating Suzette.”

“No kidding?” Kyle turned to him with round eyes. “That’s, like… when I kissed Kenny. Also a test, by the way.”

“Thank God.” Stan let his head fall back against the couch, closing his eyes. He was pretty much done for the night, yet he was muttering jealous words before he could stop himself: “Was he a good kisser?”

Kyle raised a brow at him, crossing his arms. “Was Butters?”

Stan winced and turned his head away. “Touche. Sorry.”

Kyle rolled his eyes. Maybe it was the fact that he needed to go to sleep, but he found himself throwing Stan a bone. “I pretended Kenny was you, so I don’t even know for sure.”

“What?” Stan looked over at him in awe. “That’s… that’s what I did with Butters!”

“Are you for real??” Kyle felt his heart skip a beat. He covered his face, groaning, “God, could we be any lamer?”

Stan grinned, his heart turning warmer at the sight of Kyle’s ears turning pink. Feeling brave, he scooted closer and laid his head on Kyle’s shoulder. “Well… let’s not be lame anymore.” He reached up, gently tugging Kyle’s hand down from his face and squeezing it, intertwining their fingers.

Kyle let out a noise somewhere between a squeak and a nervous chuckle, feeling mortified right after. “Oh, y-yeah??”

“Yeah.” Stan closed his eyes again, sighing softly. The sounds of the movie took center stage in his ears for awhile, accompanied by his strong, loud heartbeat. If his eyes didn’t hurt from exhaustion, he would have sworn this was a dream.

“Stan?” Kyle whispered. “One more thing.”

“Hm?” Stan hummed, not moving an inch.

“Just… about you, er, your gender?” Stan tensed up, and not even Kyle squeezing his hand gently could calm him. “No matter what, I’ll like you. Okay?”

“Th…” Stan still felt tense. He swallowed a lump in his throat. “I appreciate that.” And he really did - it wasn’t Kyle’s fault that this topic made him feel sick. He’d worried so much about his crush on Kyle that his gender issues took a backseat. Which meant he’d probably have to deal with those issues next. Great.

His eyes snapped open when he felt a kiss pressed to the top of his head. He moved slightly, looking up at Kyle, who just gave him a sheepish smile. “You don’t have to figure anything out right now - I just wanted to let you know it… doesn’t bother me?”

“I…” Stan swallowed, shyness flipping his stomach over and making him lay his head back down against Kyle. He was right. He didn’t have to think or worry about anything right now. He should just focus on how warm Kyle’s hand was, and how he was finally as close with his best friend as he wanted. That’s all that mattered right now; he could figure out the rest later.

“Thanks, Kyle.”

#south park #sp creek #sp style #sp bunny #sp fanfiction #south park fanfiction #ToD:COE #annzy writes

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freevoidman · 7 years

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Prompto Week ① DAY 1 (10/19): Favorite Scene ★ Brotherhood

Summary: Noctis has a new friend named Prompto, but is terrified to lose him once he’s vetted. He keeps his friendship a secret for as long as he can manage, but not everything can stay secret forever

Noctis knows the drill by now.

Whenever he finds a new friend, his father and some members of the Kingsglaive execute a stupidly extensive vetting process, and a personal ‘interview’ of sorts with Ignis. If they pass the vetting and Ignis sees no ill-will that can potentially be directed at Noctis, then they stay. If not, then Ignis does his best to intimidate them, and Noctis is expected to keep away. Since this process takes about two weeks (give or take a couple days, depending upon the person), he normally doesn’t get attached, and see a person’s true colors, so he’ll know when to get away.

He’s expected to immediately ‘report’ any new friend to Ignis. And, really, most of the time it just… happens. Ignis says, “Anything interesting today?” And Noctis will just tell him damn near anything under the sun, which teachers pissed him off, what homework was annoying, how the jocks embarrassed the nerds at lunch, and all the other cliches. Then Ignis reports to his dad, dad, in turn, to the Kingsglaive, and the process starts.

But then Prompto comes into the picture, and Noctis has to make a very uncomfortable choice.

See, Prompto is all honesty. Upfront, he’s kind and generous, and he never asks Noctis for anything. Even when Prompto eyes Noctis’ discarded lunch vegetables, he waits for permission to eat them.

Even then, he asks, “You’re sure?”

It takes another confirmation from Noctis before Prompto chows down the lettuce and tomatoes.

Prompto is quiet and loud at the same time. He doesn’t talk over Noctis, waiting for him to say his peace or end his rant. He anxiously asks for a photo at the end of the day, and even then it’s not a selfie—it’s just a photo of the Prince flicking his pencil up and down the desk. He agrees, and it’s hardly something that can be used for blackmail or sold to the Nifs for info: it’s a photo of the revered prince acting like, well, a bored student.

Noctis is the one that gives Prompto his phone number, telling him that they can talk later about the algebra homework. Neither of them really understands what’s happening in that class, and he hopes that the two of them can puzzle through most of the homework to get it right.

The reaction is not the one he expects. Prompto shakes his head halfway through and holds up his hands. “You don’t need to give me your number!”

“Uh…” Noctis takes a moment to process this. “Don’t you want my number?”

“No! I mean, not that there’s anything wrong with that—you giving me your number, I mean, but wouldn’t your security or whatever be upset?”

Noctis shrugs. “I mean, I guess? They’re not going to look through my phone and hunt you down.”

Prompto laughs nervously, but he relents and exchanges numbers with Noctis. When the last bell rings, they pack up, and Prompto pats him on the back. It’s obvious by his expression that the action took a fair amount of courage, so Noctis laughs and punches Prompto’s arm in retaliation.

It feels… good. He doesn’t feel like a blue blood; he feels like a teen who’s finally been allowed to live his life.

And he doesn’t want to lose this feeling.

“Anything interesting today?” Ignis asks as Noct slides into the passenger’s seat.

“Nah, nothing really.” And they drive away.

~*^*~

He keeps it under wraps for about two months.

In that time, Noctis learns a lot about Prompto—more than he’s ever learned about someone… normal, he guesses. The summary is that they have a crazy amount in common: they both have similar tastes in comics, movies, and video games. Both have played through the Assassin’s Creed series and all of the King’s Knight console games. They have the mobile game, and quickly make a guild with each other, reaping the benefits of playing together.

Even the stuff they don’t share, they can appreciate. Noct looks at Prom’s photos and comments on each and every one, showering him in compliments (which he really, really deserves more of). Prompto listens to Noctis talk about fishing and asks him questions like, “What’s the best lure to attract the fish around here?” and, “What’s the biggest thing you’ve ever caught?”

He’s even managed to avoid Ignis’ watchful eye. Every time he stays over at Prompto’s house (the first visit happens around the end of the first month), he says he’s staying after school for a club. It helps that Prompto’s house is a five-minute walk away, if you cut through the back streets.

Prompto’s house is empty and feels vacant, and each time he tries to pry, Prom simply says that his parents are working, or just out for the time being. Most of the house is medically sterile, as if Prompto doesn’t want to disturb anything. It’s obvious that someone other than Prompto lives there, since the furniture doesn’t match Prompto’s personality at all. It puts Noctis on edge, to say the least.

He has seen pictures of Prompto’s parents framed in the hallway and there are a few more hanging in Prompto’s room. But they’re few and far between, compared to the innumerable shots of landscapes and random people. There’s a smiling woman with flowing blonde hair and a man who looks a bit rough around the edges, with a teasing glint in his eyes. They look happy.

The story at home is anything but.

So Noct makes an effort to talk to him more, to visit more, to text more, to show that he cares. He manages to get the date of Prompto’s birthday, and goes nuts trying to think of a present. He looks online for the best camera available in Insomnia, and purchases an incredibly expensive one, with features he barely comprehends.

Prompto’s face is absolutely priceless. His eyes are wet with tears as he says, “You didn’t have to do this!”

“But I wanted to.” Noctis playfully rolls his eyes. “C’mon, don’t make me have to explain to my dad why I got a wicked expensive camera out of the blue.”

Prompto accepts the box, holding it like it’s made of glass. He secures it in his locker and doesn’t open it for the rest of the day. Noctis follows him home, watching as Prompto fawns over the camera with a reverent gaze.

It’s easily the happiest he has ever seen Prompto, and it’s almost enough to make him cry.

Maybe Ignis takes note of his changed behavior, maybe not. Either way, he doesn’t comment about Noctis’ sudden fixation with the phone, or how he won’t talk about his day, or the occasional smile Noctis gets while staring off into space. Maybe he just takes it as Noctis being a moody teenager going through a phase.

All that he cares about is that Ignis never finds out, because he dreads abandoning Prompto. It’s his first real friend, one based on true camaraderie and no exploitation whatsoever, and he doesn’t want to lose that to a background check.

When it did crash down around him, though, it was in the worst way possible. He gets a text from Ignis halfway through last period, telling him that a series of meetings he had to attend had been moved, and that he would need to leave school early to attend. He curses, scrambling for his work, shouts an apology over his shoulder to the teacher, and sprints out of the school. He knows Ignis: that text means he’s waiting in front of the school, and if he doesn’t hurry, Ignis’ll be pissed.

So who can blame him if he forgets something in his haste? It happens.

And it just so happens that what he forgets is his phone, and that alone is a massive problem for obvious reasons. What makes it worse is that, when Ignis pulls away from the school, Prompto appears out of nowhere and throws himself in front of the car to stop it. There’s a dull thud as Prompto is hit. He falls to the ground with a grimace.

Ignis’ quick reflexes keep Prompto from being run over, and Noct is scrabbling for the door handle before he fully processes what’s happening. “Your highness—!”

“It’s fine, Ignis.” Noctis calls over his shoulder, and he’s at Prompto’s side. The other teen is holding his knee and hissing, and Noctis feels a hot stab of guilt in his stomach. “Shit, Prom, you okay?”

“Yeah, ‘m fine.” Prompto manages to push himself up so that he’s sitting. “That’s gonna hurt tomorrow.”

“Why did you—?”

“Oh, yeah.” Prompto reaches for his blazer pocket and pulls out a familiar black phone with a moogle sticker coated phone case (courtesy of Iris). “You left your phone on your desk.”

He can feel his cheeks flush, and Noctis takes his phone with a small, “Thanks.”

A cough from behind makes Noctis turn his head. He meets Ignis’ steely gaze surprisingly well. Prompto, however, tenses on the ground. “Um…”

“Noctis,” Ignis chooses to ignore Prompto. “We need to go.”

He’s half tempted to snark back, say that the royal snobs at the Citadel can shove a broadsword up their asses because Prompto’s hurt, but he also knows that it’s an uphill battle. Instead, Noctis bites his tongue and nods, helping Prompto to his feet and to the sidewalk. “You gonna be okay?”

“Yep!” Comes Prompto’s cheery reply, and Noctis can’t help but smile back. “Text ya later?”

Noctis can feel Ignis drilling holes in the back of his head. “Yeah, I’ll text you first.”

He watches Prompto hobble back to the school building. He studiously ignores Ignis’ tense posture as he drives to the Citadel, his fingers twitching and gripping the wheel a bit too tightly.

Of course everything comes crashing down because of his stupid phone.

~*^*~

He waits until Ignis starts cooking dinner before pulling out his phone to text Prompto. He worries his lip as he thinks of what to say, planning paragraphs in his head before eventually settling on something short and to the point. A quick apology, and then he turns it off and puts it on the coffee table. He knows that Ignis will look through it later, to double check that no secrets have been wheedled out of him, so it’s best to apologize now and hope that nothing Prompto would say will raise any red flags.

He waits a minute for a reply, but quickly realizes that the lack of activity is bound to attract Ignis, so he pulls out his history homework and takes vague notes as he waits. When the phone does ding, he doesn’t look at it, instead feigning disinterest as he ‘works’.

He loses himself for a minute, thinking about what’s going to come next. It all depends upon what the Glaive finds and what Ignis thinks personally

“Noct.”

Plus, if he can convince Ignis that Prompto isn’t a threat, then the odds of getting him to hang around skyrocket.

“Coming.” He calls back and stands, grimacing at the vegetable-covered plate in front of his seat. “Really?”

“A fitting punishment, all things considered.” Ignis says as he settles down to eat, sticking the corner of his napkin underneath his shirt collar and picking up the appropriate kitchenware for eating a festive salad. “If you prefer something else, then by all means, the kitchen is yours.”

Noctis narrows his eyes and stalks into the kitchen. He grabs the kettle that he shoved into the corner some months ago and fills it with water before turning on the stove. He puts it on the stove with a touch more force than needed, and he considers Ignis’ flinch at the bang a victory. He grabs a Cup Noodle from the cabinet and a pair of chopsticks and waits for the kettle to whistle. “Nothing bad happened.”

“But it could’ve.” Ignis turned to look at him. “That could’ve simply been a ploy to get you out of the car. Anything could’ve happened, especially since you don’t have your weapon on hand and I was busy making sure no traffic would hit the car.”

“It’s Prompto. The day Prompto is an undercover Niff spy that was sent here to kill me is the day you take the stick out of your ass.”

“So his name is Prompto, then?”

Noctis throws his hands in the air. “He’s not a threat!”

“You don’t know that.”

“I think I would, considering how many other mooches have saddled up to me.”

Ignis’ jaw tenses, and they stare each other down. “I hope you’re aware of the repercussions of your actions.”

“I am.” The kettle whistles, and Noctis takes it off the stove before pouring it into his Cup Noodle. He grabs the flavor packet and chopsticks and stomps to his room. “And I don’t regret a damn thing.”

#Prompto Week #promptoweek #Final Fantasy XV #FFXV #Noctis Lucis Caelum #Prompto Argentum #Ignis Stupeo Scientia #Ignis Scientia #That awkward moment when u haven't watched brotherhood but don't want to just rewrite ur favorite scene #Also that awkward moment when u typically write in past tense but torture urself by writing in present tense #I also have like seven other homework assignments to do but I don't give a fuck

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