#andy barbour | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

carduelism · 2 years

Text

A collection of my thoughts after/during each chapter of The Goldfinch by Donna Tartt:

5/7/2022 - 14/8/2022

(Will contain spoilers, obviously)

Chapter One: Boy with a Skull

Jesus, I can already tell this is going to be a rough read for me. The start, the first line I believe, where he mentions his mother has set up my expectations for this book to revolve a lot around mother-hood and a relationship between a son and his mother.

WHILE I WAS STILL in Amsterdam, I dreamed about my mother for the first time in years.

As someone who has very strong ties to his mother and actively depends on her for advice and help I already know that this story is going to end up being super personal for me. (As well as the whole deadbeat father issue, though for me I’m still a little more attached to mine).

Theodore Decker, who I have nicknamed Little Guy for some odd reason, so far has been incredibly written and I am very excited for his character to be explored more in the rest of the novel. He so far he is definitely fighting for the stop spot of my top teen protagonist. He is a teen, flawed, anxious but also incredibly bright and not annoying or to standoff-ish (I find those traits very common when writing teens and it is so annoying lmao). Very very excited for more of Little Guy.

Also I love his mother, Ms Decker is what I will call her because I’m to lazy to recall a first name, even though I have knowledge that she dies I can’t help but appreciate her love and fascination for art. I aspire to be as knowledgable as her when it comes to discussing art pieces.

Chapter 2: The Anatomy Lesson

Ouch. This chapter really fuckin’ hurts, more than the last.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, four or five, my greatest fear was that some day my mother might not come home from work.

The first line, once again, is all ready relatable which helped me immediately infer that this chapter would end up impacting me a significant amount.

Little Guy, Theo, helping the old man even when he himself was injured was absolutely beautiful. As I’ve stated before, I’m so glad that he isn’t just a bitchy little teenager and that he is actually shown to be decently selfless when it comes to the wellbeing of others.

Back on track to me being all angsty and sad about his mother though. Theo had so much goddamn hope that his mother survived the bombing of the museum, he had so much hope that he didn’t even stop to question if his mother was truly alive, he just ran home knowing that she would be there. The whole time he was waiting in the apartment waiting for his mother to come home it took everything in me not to cry though I have to admit I whimpered “No, Little Guy :(“ at some point which was cat judged me for.

I have not watched the film yet but I’m so excited to see the cinematography of this entire chapter (more specifically the scene where he gets the call about his mother’s status) because I just know that I’m going to get stabbed and bleed out in tears.

Chapter 3: Park Avenue

I haven’t finished the chapter yet but I’d just like to talk about how much I love Andy as a friend towards Little Guy. Like, I want him to be my friends because he sounds like a genuinely fun guy to be around.

Also like damn, the author definetly wasn’t afraid of saying ‘faggot’ lol. Not even 100 pages through yet but that already pulled out a full on slur lmao. I do doubt that it would be used again though, mainly because I really really hope that I don’t have to read about Theo getting bullied in depth.

…boys who tripped us and shoved us and slammed locker doors on our hands, who tore up our homework and spat in our milk, who called us maggot and faggot and dickhead …

I’m loving Andy but I want Boris now! I’ve heard about him and he needs to hurry up and be mentioned in the book, like come on man! I want to read about you being helplessly in love with Theo! (Boris and Theo’s whole thing has been the only thing spoiled to me so far, luckily.)

Back on Andy because something about him just completely messed up my reading schedule and I just have to speak up abt it.

the sleek little phone with an anime still of Virtual Girl Aki (naked, in porny thigh-high boots) on the lock screen.

Sir, Andy, my guy, we need to sit down and have a talk because I knew you would have a lock screen like that but I still prayed that he wouldn’t. The fact that it’s just straight up admitted makes me though more and as well as the fact that it just comes out of no where 💀 It was so serious—the possibility of Little Guy meeting some sort of family friend of his—but then this fucker pulls out his anime girl lock screen.

(Just read spoilers about him dying, sorry for bullying the dead boy lmao)

Chapter 4: Morphine Lollipop

I am up to just a bit into VI and of course I love Pips, I’m glad that she is okay and survived by a miracle but I’m all on board with her aunt taking her to Texas. Like yes queen, seperate the straights because Theo, Little Guy, this is not you. You just don’t know it yet.

Also also time for me to be more angtsy about my new found affinity with Little Guy’s daddy issues.

“Who knows? He ditched us.”

“Good riddance?”

“Well—” I shrugged—“I don’t know. Sometimes he was okay. […] There was a lot of yelling and stuff. It was mostly him doing it. But—” uncomfortably aware that I’d said more than I meant to—“it was mainly him making a bunch of noise. Like—oh, I don’t know, like when he had to stay with me, when she had to work? He was always in a really bad mood. I

This is the exact way that I think of my own father, make that of what you will, and I really despise how accurate and painful it is. What makes it so painful is that he wasn’t an ‘okay’ dad, he was a shitty dad and thats pretty evident. But since Theo was facing this abuse, a like me, he downplays it and just says he’s ‘okay’. HE’S NOT AN OKAY DAD LITTLE GUY! Now watch my continue to call my dad okay.

Just started XVII, by that I mean I’m like three paragraphs into it, and my god, HIS FATHER??

I stood frozen in the doorway. The voice was unmistakable: my father.

Mate I was just shit talking him and now he has appeared in the book, I goddamn jinxed it. If he dare puts up and act in front of the Barbours, acting all cute and stuff as if he’s a good dad, then I’m going to die right here right now. I really really hope he doesn’t get custody of Little Guy, like Hobie should be his new father please, not him. Praying to god that his father wont put a single hand of my boy, Theo.

Yeah, just finished the chapter, finished 1/5 parts of the book, and holy shit my boy is moving :(

Farewell to Andy, Kitsey, all the other Barbours, and maybe farewell Hobie. Idk the last line of the chapter was funky:

He pushed open the door, and I walked out of the house—for the last time, as I thought. But though I had no idea I’d ever be seeing him again, about this I was wrong.

Like, Theo! That’s really damn ominous my boy 😭 Why do you have to go see Hobie again and why are you so creepy about it. Do you need him to restore you a coffin because you murdered someone in the future? Theo????

I’m very excited for Theo to finally move and go to a new school because I really need some Boris right now and I’m tired of reading the book without him. Boris this part please.

Chapter 5: Badr al-Dine

Woo! They’re finally heading to Nevada which means more story and please please please means that Boris will introduce himself.

When Little Guy was thinking to himself about how he will miss Goldie and the other doorman but he doesn’t ever verbalise the thought because ‘it would come out gay’. Come on man, your internalised homophobia is showing as well as the toxic masculinity you probably gained from your father 😭😭

“I—” I was going to miss them, but it seemed gay to come out and say so.

Also like just as I began to think that damn, with a turn of events Theo’s dad isn’t an ass anymore and no longer an alcoholic, his dad had a change of heart and began to be an ass again. I had hope for you, Mr. Decker!

So… Little Guy is not very innocent and little anymore. He sure loves doing his drugs and drinking beer with Boris. He sure loves Boris. Little Guy has grown out of his nickname in only a few months, guess I have to start just calling him Theo again.

Chapter 6: Wind, Sand and Stars

The chapters are beginning to get ridiculously long so I think I’m only half way through this one but so much shit has happened lmao.

So Boris has a girlfriend, Kotku, who is eighteen, right? And then Theo comments how she is three years older than them so that makes Boris fifteen? Listen, I would maybe be okay if Boris was sixteen, it’s not ethical in any way but it is at least legal. Once again though Boris isn’t the person to go to if you need something done legally.

I love Boris but my god, if he was really and I would either be terrified of him (fifteen year olds are scary, okay?) or I would go out of my way to shit talk him everyday. Mate is a druggie so early into his life so I can tell it ain’t gonna get any better for him, poor bud. Actually nvm. Not poor bud, just remembered he said a racial slur twice. Was it in character? Yeah, I suppose, since he picks ups on english that strangers use, but was it necessary to include? No. Love ya’ Boris but you need to fix your vocabulary.

Alot of things happened when I stopped updating but let me scream about it in order:

Theo admitted that he and Boris have fucked. He was so defensive about it as well, not word for word but basically what he was saying; “I’m not gay, I swear, I’m just jealous about Kotku. No! Not because me and Boris have fucked before, I can’t even remember that! [insert a rough description about how it happened and describing an 0rg@$sm]”. This boy…

And yet (this was the murky part, this was what bothered me) there had also been other, way more confusing and fucked-up nights, grappling around half-dressed, weak light sliding in from the bathroom and everything haloed and unstable without my glasses: hands on each other, rough and fast, kicked- over beers foaming on the carpet—fun and not that big of a deal when it was actually happening, more than worth it for the sharp gasp when my eyes rolled back and I forgot about everything;

My guy… my boy… this is the gayest shit ever. I tried explain this to my mother as well (because when ever I mention a gay relationship in my book she is always convinced I’m just over-exaggerating and making everything gay lol) and it was awkward because I was like “um yeah so ma’ I think they are gay because they um-“ and then I just handed her the book and it was so funny because she was laughing at the fact that I can not say the word ‘sex’ in front of her without being embarrassed (something my father practiced with me lol, I can’t talk about anything sexual aloud anymore).

Jesus. I got a bit off-topic and personal but I’m back.

But next event in the story:

“Potter—” he followed after me.

“Yes?”

“There is something important I have to tell you.”

“Boris,” I said, turning, “what the mother fuck. What is it?” I said, as we stood and stared at each other. “If you have something to say, go on and say it.”

“Am afraid it will make you mad.”

“What is it? What have you done?”

Boris was silent, gnawing the side of his thumb.

“Well, what?”

He looked away. “You need to stay,” he said vaguely. “You’re making a mistake.”

When I was reading this I was gripping on the page (I’m actually reading a digital version so I was not quote gripping on the ‘page’, it was actually my bed sheet but that sounds like it belong in some smutty work) and freaking out. It didn’t hit and I didn’t even ask myself if this was about him being love with Theo and I just assumed it was about either more death, more debt or drugs. Glad it wasn’t lmao

Chapter 7: The Shop-Behind-the-Shop

Mediocre chapter lmao. This chapter was one of my fastest read throughs and nothing of severe note happened. Sure, Theo got temporarily adopted by Hobie and he might’ve had at least one actual conversation with Pippa (icky, get away from the woman Theo, I know what you are) but honestly nothing I was screaming about.

Chapter 8: The Shop-Behind-the-Shop, continued

Still mediocre and boring lol. Theo got into his weird school thing, good for him but jesus he got my anxiety going from the stress of waiting for an acceptance letter. He also found a hiding place for The Goldfinch but just gonna be honest here, shitty spot, like I wouldn’t trust that it hadn’t been stolen if it wasn’t constantly in my view.

Also like oh my god! His apartment is destroyed and he’s so fucking sad about ittt. Theo it’s gonna be okay :( I’m sure someone has your mother’s stuff. Having to hold back tears right now because my boyfriend keeps looking at me weirdly, he mustn’t see me cry over a fictional character (again)

Chapter 9: Everything of Possibility

This chapter already has me in shock; an eight year time skip? Really? Smh. We missed all the fun stuff like his first legal drink since his time with Boris (I’m sure Hobie wouldn’t have allowed him to drink while he was staying with his) and I suppose his time at school, like isn’t this dark academia? WHERE IS THE ACADEMIA

Wait but Platt is back and… both Andy and Mr. Barbour are dead?? Miss Donna skipped a lot of the fun stuff in this time skip, like Theo is learning his old best friend died a few months after his death. Theo is learning this way too late and I imagine he probably feels super guilty for not checking in on the Barbours when he first entered this city

Chapter 10: The Idiot

Donna Tartt went straight into this chapter and was like “yep, Kitsey and Theo are dating now and they have always been in love.” Like ma’am where are you getting this from. Kitsey and Theo being in love since childhood is even more of a stretch than Boris and Theo being in love since childhood.

Also Theo is being watch by people I’m going to assume are people Reeve had hired (Reeve’s men, probs gonna call em’ that) and this book is starting to get scary. Like what is Reeve gonna do to get The Goldfinch from Theo if not some form of abuse, manipulation or torture. A simple conversation with Theo no matter what will never end with him handing the painting over. Honestly even if Reeve threatened to kill his fiancé, my man honestly wouldn’t care much lmao.

Also Theo is currently look into a bar and I got spoilers that he and Boris meet in one so when ever a bar is mentioned from now on I just freak out and start to scream whenever one is mentioned. I’m a little fangirly (gender neutral) over them boys. He’s going in one now eeeeeekkkkk

OMG POTTER SCMFFHZDHDDHDNDN BORIS IS BACK BABBBYYYYY

HE WAS THE GUY OUTSIDE OF THE SHOP WANTING TO SEE THEO??? PLEASE HE WAS SO SCARED SOMEONE WAS OUT TO GET HIM AND IT WAS JUST BORIS WHO WAS WAITING A GODDAMN MONTH TO JUST TALK TO HIM. THEO UR SUCH A BAD BOYFRIEND FOR MAKING HIM WAIT SO LONG

Sorry. That was unprofessional, let me get serious again because who is this Myriam lady and why is even Boris scared of her. Also not this man biting his lip and seeming flustered around Theo, what a gay man he is.

Boris, Boris was scared to come back to Theo because he thought he would be mad. He thought Theo would be mad because he thought that he already knew that the painting was gone and that Boris stole it. Boris is an overthinker and it fucking hurts so much. I LOVE YOU BORIS AND THEO WILL LOVE YOU FOREVER TOO ITS OKAY BB BOY

Also the fact that Boris has stopped Theo from killing himself multiple times is fucking murdering me. He doesn’t want to loose him but Theo can’t see that and feels as if he is alone. Fuck me mannnn this book is so sad now. Boris asking Theo about what that cut was on his face and you cant tell me that Boris wasn’t praying that Theo didn’t cut himself on purpose. For sakes of more angst this chapter, I need Theo to try to kill himself again but then Boris saving him for one last time.

Bro, why did Kitsey think it was a good idea to cheat on her boyfriend WITH HIS BULLY. What were your thoughts my dear Kitsey, WHAT WERE YOU THINKINGGGG. My girlie is in a silly goofy mood and the ice is getting thinner. If Theo had a menty b over this then booooo Kitsey, you suckkkk, you suck Tom Cable’s dickkkkkk

So he confronted her after Boris told him to do so (very submissive of him /j) and my god… the result to me is quite amusing. The fact that Kitsey thought it was okay to continue to see Tom up until her and Theo’s marriage is absurd. Listen, I know some shit is going down that I don’t think I’ve quite gotten to but I need to punch Tom because it’s all 100% his fault but Kitsey my girlllll you should’ve told Theo about this shit before it blew up.

During the confrontation may I just say, Theo was micromanaging the way he spoke, reacted, and expressed his emotions and yeah, me too bud. Hyperfixate on trying to keep calm when you were obviously not.

ALSO PIPPA IS BACK!!!! MY BABY GIRL!!! The way that Theo always describes her hair is quite hilarious though. Donna, you can’t keep describing her hair because you are eventually going to run out if words. Idc if Theo is obsessed with her hair, the descriptors are starting to get tiring. (Also he commented on how she had bitten down her nails or something and related it to how Boris did the same. Stop comparing your lovers to your boyf riend challenge!!!)

Um Theo just recalled him at 16 dating a 27 year old. Theo… are you good? You seem totally desensitised to this shit because of Boris and Kotku but DATING SOMEONE ALMOST 12 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU IS NOT GOOD! Theo baby boy you need to go to a therapist for more things than just the bombing, you were fucking groomed!

He’s currently at his engagement party (ik, why is it still happeninggg my guy she cheated on you) and some rando creepy dude is here but so is BORIS! Boris is fun and good and eeeeeeekkkkk I love him.

Chapter 11: The Gentleman’s Canal

I keep forgetting this is here and I keep ranting on discord instead of here so let me just catch you up on my thoughts on this chapter rq

I’m up to a section in The Idiot where Pippa and Theo are on a date and it’s so interesting… Pippa is another survivor of the bombing that almost killed both her and Theo and I feel like that love is so special to both of them but Theo is translating the nostalgia of their connection as something romantic when it truly isnt. Theo has this thing, I’ve noticed, where he thrives for nostalgia. Reason why he started dating his fiancé? She was his bestfriends sister during childhood. The reason he continues to do drugs even after Boris influenced him to do so? Sure, probably addiction but also the addiction to nostalgia. The reason he is in love with Pippa? Nostalgia. She reminds him of the last moments of his life when everything was truly in order

In addition to this, they play Apocalypse by Cigarettes After Sex during this scene in the movie which at first I thought was very odd (homophobic? Erasing his relation with a man and in turn making him crush on a girl?) but it definitely is used in a platonic way or at most from Theo’s perspective (where he displays his obsession with nostalgia as romance). *’sharing secrets with each other since we were kids’* very nostalgia based romance of you Theo

Chapter 12: The Rendezvous Point

So basically, Boris who was always characterised as the one of the ONLY characters to not simply give Theo and then push him away but instead gave him actual affection pulled a homophobia AND GAVE HIM DRUGS AND PUSHED HIM AWAY AHHHHH🔫🔫🔫 Theo is all sad about that (he was kinda happy abt the drugs but he’s an addict leave him alone)

And then shit got really bad right

Theo was aimlessly flicking through the television channels and he ended up watch a film his FATHER acted in and that triggered him to think about HOW MUCH HE IS LIKE HIS DAD and I’m literally going to die because me too Theo Decker!! Daddy issue mf bitch

Anyway I think he is gonna try to kill himself now so thats fun!

…I only said he was trying to kill himself as a joke but I think its serious now guys

I want to die,

RIP comfort chara 🤭🤭

Hahah heheh so cute Donna Tartt dont make him do this please

Act of rebellion. Life: vacant, vain, intolerable. What loyalty did I owe it? None whatsoever. Why not beat Fate to the punch? Throw the book on the fire and be done with it? There was no end in sight to the present horror, plenty of external, empirical horror to line up with my own endogenous

WOAH MY MAN JS WRITING THEIR LETTERS ALREADY HUH WHAT SLOW DOWN THEO HOLY SHIT HUH HUH WDYM IF HE ACTUALLY DOES THIS IM DONE

He’s talking about how his body feels like a marionette to his own actions and I literally cant rn

*insert picture of marionette from fnaf bc im to lazy to find one rn*

So he survived and he just compared Boris to his father…

Something in me had gone dead at the sight of him, almost like with my dad when I was a kid,

MY MOTHER WAS JOKING ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY PLEASE

Ten pages left 🤠 I am so fucking sad holy shit please dont finish I dont want this to end when this ends I am going to scream and I cant do that its 12:03 at night c’mon

3 pages…

Whoah im emotional and still reading but Screensaver by Wilbur Soot just started playing and my god I am litearlly dead. I have not heard this song in ages and it’s reminding me of the start of my MCYT phase but Im reading about the end of something im crying stfu Wimblur Shit

2 pages…

1 page…

I cant read it, at least right now. It’s like the square of chocolate, yk, I want to eat it but then it would be gone and I cant enjoy it after that. I dont want this to finish but here I go.

I have started the final page

Shit.

Closed the book.

It’s done Im so fucking upset 😭😭🤮

Anyway lets ignore that fact that I will never be able to experience this for the first time again and focus on what Mr Decker said

And—I would argue as well—all love. Or, perhaps more accurately, this middle zone illustrates the fundamental discrepancy of love. Viewed close: a freckled hand against a black coat, an origami frog tipped over on its side.

A freckled hand—Pippa’s presumably—against a black coat—Boris?—an origami frog tipped over on its side—Pippa.

OR YOU SEE MAYBE THEO COULD BE BORROWING BORIS JACKET IN A ROMA-

sorry.

No but I cant wtf is this ending Theo this isn’t good enough baby boy.

I am sad but guess no more saving this post to my drafts anymore. The Goldfinch is done.

#the goldfinch #donna tartt #theo decker #theodore decker #i love it #so far at least #i want to hug him #tgf boris #boris pavlikovsky #pippa blackwell #kitsey barbour #andy barbour #boreo #fuck this book #i am a mess #i feel ill #long post

20 notes · View notes