#and yes. there IS a difference between counselling and therapy. a really big fucking difference.

[monty-glasses-roxy]

I've heard them all now. All the CDs. I. What the fuck.

Small scream here. I will give some more comprehensive thoughts in a moment.

NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE ARE COUNSELLORS OR THERAPISTS!!! THEY'RE FUCKING INTERROGATORS UNDER THE DISGUISE OF A THERAPIST!!!

AND COUNSELLORS AND THERAPISTS ARE DIFFERENT THINGS FUCK WHOEVER WROTE THESE CD LINES SPECIFICALLY

If you can't tell I'm annoyed. Again. By FNaF stuff. No therapist is looking at encrypted messages given to them by a company to record a session and snap a confession. Counsellors aren't doing that either. Even obtaining those logs is probably several layers of illegal never mind using it in a so called therapy session being horrific malpractice.

AND WHY ARE THEY ALL FUCKING IDIOTS???

Interrogator: So... you're looking for a costume and have been buying fake fur and materials. What are you making? Vanessa: I can't talk about this. He said he'd always be here watching. He could here or out there or anywhere in between... Interrogator like. Thirty seconds later: SO WHAT'S THE COSTUME FOR??

OH GEE I WONDER IF SHE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THE COSTUME HUH WOWIE I BET SHE WILL THIS IS A FUN CRAFT PROJECT HAHAHAA

Interrogator: These messages you're getting seem very manipulative... Vanessa: I get messages from Luis. He's funny Interrogator: WhY wOnT yOu OpEn Up AbOuT wHo YoU'rE tAlKiNg ToO nEsSa??

OOO I FUCKIN' WONDER!! BIG MYSTERY OVER HERE!!!

And then ones with the silence like. Literally this is an interrogation. All of these are company interrogations. None of these are therapy or counselling. No wonder they're dropping off like flies man if you're gonna be that fucking obvious to the one common link between all the disappearances like ooo big mystery gonna need to dial Sherlock on this one

I fucking. Head in hands.

More comprehensive thoughts coming soon. Just. What the fuck is this man...

#MALPRACTICE!!! MALPRACTICE EVERYWHERE!!! #and yes. there IS a difference between counselling and therapy. a really big fucking difference. #this is NEITHER #it's closer to counselling but it's still not fucking counselling #what the FUCK is THIS #'oh hey vanessa how is your anxiety? oh okay cool so would you like to hear about the NEXT HUGE CHUNK of PRIVATE information I have on you? #like oh wow I WONDER why she has ANXIETY #OOOOOOO SUCH A MYSTERY OVER HERE MAN #SEND HER TO THE TUBES THIS SHE'S TOO HARD TO FIGURE OUT #/SCREAMING/

[pars-ley]

The couples package

Pairing: Yoongi x female reader

Summary: Asking one of your friends to pretend to be your boyfriend on an all expenses paid work trip seems like a great idea...until you discover couples therapy is also part of the package.

Genre: Fake dating au / friends to lovers / angst / fluff 

Rating: 15 + (SFW)

Warnings: Explicit language / Therapy session / Making out

Word count: 2K

Notes: This is a request from my milestone drabble game (all my requests for it have been in the works for a million years, sorry it’s taken me so long!) for @unoriginal-username15432 I hope you enjoy this!

Beta Reader: @bluewhale52 thank you so much for your helpful suggestions.

"A free holiday?" Yoongi asks you, turning his head and raising a suspicious eyebrow. "What's the catch?"

You wince, hoping he'd just accept without question...you should have known better.

"Well, maybe it requires you to be my... partner."

"Huh? Your partner in what?"

You roll your eyes. "Life partner, Yoongi. My boyfriend, my other half, the love of my life you know."

His shoulders visibly tense. "I...I think that's weird, don't you?"

You pinch your nose, trying to ease the tension. "A little I guess, but Yoongi, I wouldn't ask if I wasn't desperate. The role that opens up for promotion is only ever filled by someone who's gone on this couple's retreat."

He turns to you, leaning back against his kitchen counter, arms crossed over his chest. "Are you telling me, you can only go to this resort if you're in a relationship?"

"Yes." 

"That seems really-"

"I know, its stupid, unfair, should be illegal, but that's how it works and I really, really, really need this promotion Yoongi, so please…" you clasp your hands together in front of you, begging. "I'll get on my knees if you want." you can't help the suggestive tone in your voice knowing it will make him blush. And there's nothing you love more than seeing him flustered.

"Fine. I'll come." he avoids your eyes as the crimson hue spreads across his cheeks.

"Thank you!" you throw your arms around his neck and lock him in an embrace. "You'll enjoy it, I promise and I'll make it up to you big time."

"Yea, yea." he says, arms winding loosely around your waist.

You savour the moment. It's not very often he's physically affectionate with you, much to your dismay.

"Ok, start packing. I'll pick you up tomorrow morning sharp." you order, "You're my bestest, best friend ever!" you call out the door. Once you’re outside, you can't help the excited flip your stomach does. Not just at the prospect of being in line for this promotion but also the idea of playing house with Yoongi, of pretending to be everything you actually want, of an intimate glimpse at a life with him at your side. That's better than nothing.

As you step off the boat and onto the pale sand of the island, you bask in the warmth of the air, taking a deep breath and holding your face up to the sun.

A nudge in your back snaps you out of it. "You coming?" Yoongi’s voice by your ear sends a shiver down your spine.

You wind your arm through his, receiving an awkward sideways glance in response but you choose to ignore it.

Trudging through the sand, a guide leads you to the entrance of the resort. At the reception desk, a bell boy takes your bags and leads you up to your room.

Yoongi's jaw drops as you both walk in - a huge queen size bed, covered in delicate, red rose petals, is next to double doors that open up to the balcony, framed by thin, scarlet veil curtains billowing softly into the room. You tip the bellboy and he leaves with a smile.

"Wow, look at the size of this shower." Yoongi calls out to you. 

Turning; you see a large bathroom with a roll top bath and a shower big enough to hold a conference in.

"I think it's designed that way for more than one person at a time." you fight the giggle, picturing the shocked look on his face as you start to unpack your suitcase.

Clearing his throat behind you, he says, "We have a problem."

"What's that?" you ask, shoving your underwear roughly in a drawer.

"There's only one bed." 

"Oh no, disaster!" you mock him and laugh. "So what, are you telling me you can't share a huge bed like this with me for four days? There would be almost a whole continent between us in there."

He scrubs the back of his neck. "I guess so."

You had to admit, the idea of sharing a bed with him had excitement blooming heavily in your heart...among other places.

Yoongi heads outside to take a look at the view from the balcony, but a knock on the door distracts you from following.

Opening it, you see your boss' smiling face staring back at you. "Ah welcome, welcome!" she says pulling you in for a rapid, impersonal hug. "I'm so glad you're here. Listen, first thing on the agenda is couples counselling, so settle in briefly and meet us in conference room number 4, ok?"

She starts to head off but you pull her back by the arm. "Er, I'm sorry, couples counselling? No one mentioned this."

She gives you a sympathetic smile. "That's right, I forgot, it's your first time here! I'm so sorry. It's just part of the package here, you have a session once everyday."

You blink at her, picturing Yoongi's reaction to this added piece of news.

"Ok? I'll see you down there. Can't wait to meet him by the way." she grins, her eyes searching the room behind you before she heads off and leaves you staring at an empty corridor.

You swallow down your fear and close the door behind you, knowing this will be the first argument you have here but certainly not the last.

"Oh, Yoongi my dearest…"

You prop your head up on your hand trying to look interested as you sit in the room full of strangers, listening to their mundane grievances with their partners. The chairs are all set out in a circle so wherever you look, you meet eyes with someone.

You glance over at Yoongi, who is slouching in his chair with arms folded and tension rolling off him in waves. You are  dreading your turn. He is definitely not an actor, he gets flushed when he's lying and he stutters. How on earth will this ever be convincing?

"Y/n, Yoongi, I'm sensing some friction between the two of you. Anything you want to discuss?"

You freeze, suddenly rigid in your chair as the counsellor directs his attention to you. 

"No." Yoongi's deep voice sounds beside you, low and unamused.

"I'm sensing some hostility about being here? Therapy can help the two of you bond and become closer." he clasps his hands together in dramatic fashion, making you inwardly roll your eyes.

"We're fine. Bonded and close as we can be." he mumbles.

"Y/n, do you agree with that?" The therapist turns to you, all eyes now on your face.

"We are very close, yes." you swallow, feeling like you're under interrogation.

"And are you happy with your relationship the way it is?"

No. The room feels hot, too hot, as you're aware it's not lying that's bothering you;  it's revealing the truth that's making your gut clench. You see Yoongi look your way from the corner of your eye, your silence must be confusing him.

"Y/n? You're in a safe place, you can speak openly here." 

You barely hear the counsellor’s words over the wild thrum of your heart, and suddenly a word leaves your mouth before you can stop it.

"No."

The counsellor leaps forward, on the edge of his chair, practically hovering in mid air, eager to get more from you.

"Honesty is the path to mindfulness." he says. "What are you not happy about, y/n?" 

"I want us to be closer." you say quietly. "I feel like he holds himself back from me."

The counsellor nods dramatically and looks straight at Yoongi for a response.

"How? I'm here with you aren't I, even though I didn't want to come."

Yoongi scoffs, turning in his seat to give you his undivided attention.

"What I'm hearing, Yoongi, is that maybe what you're offering isn't enough for y/n?" the counsellor says, leaning forward and  giving him a pitying look.

You see Yoongi's neck flush, knowing he's about to lose it as the vein bulges prominently in his neck.

"And what I'm saying, counsellor, is that I don't see how it's any of your business what I offer her." He says with gritted teeth, his low growl holds a powerful bite in his words.

The therapist holds his hands up in surrender. "You're right, it's not, but you're here in my session and it seems like it's y/n who really wants to know. And it's definitely her business." He leans forward in his chair. "So tell her, what it is you're offering her." 

"I'd offer her everything, anything I could. If she pulled her head out of her arse long enough she might realize that."

Your head snaps over to him, wondering if his acting skills have drastically improved or if…no, he must be acting.

"Have you told her this Yoongi, have you bared your soul for her?"

He scoffs again. "What difference would that make? She should know how I feel if she knows me that well."

You grind your teeth, annoyance running rampant through you. "I'm not a fucking mind reader, Yoongi. Am I supposed to guess what's going on in that big, dumb brain of yours?"

"For goodness sake, I want you to be my wife and have my kids one day! There. Are you happy? Clear enough for you?"

He slumps back aggressively in his chair, arms folded, face emblazoned with rage and embarrassment. All you can do is stare at him. You have no words to say as you're not entirely sure what to make of this heated exchange.

"Perfect. Guys, you've done really well this session. Unfortunately, time is up, but I'm going to enjoy working with you two. We've got lots to uncover, I can sense it." The man is almost vibrating with excitement and it unnerves you. 

Yoongi leaves first, making a swift exit with you hot on his tail, not wanting to be confronted by anyone.

As soon as the door to your room closes,  you find your voice again. "What the fuck was that?" 

There is no response as he drags his suitcase from under the bed and starts wildly shoving clothes into it.

"Yoongi, what are you doing?" 

"What does it look like? I'm leaving." He mumbles, eyes down and focused, body turned away from you.

"You can't leave after that!" You close some distance between you, fury boiling inside and bubbling over into the words spilling from your lips. "What about us!?"

He laughs a sad, exasperated laugh. "What about us? 'Us' will never be the same. I can't stick around to be pitied and pushed aside. I can't have you around me all the damn time not be able to hold you, I can't do it anymore, y/n. So please, don't ask me to." 

You see his cheeks turn a bright shade of fuchsia, his hands clasp his clothing so hard his knuckles go white as he still refuses to look your way. 

Your feet feel like they're rooted to the spot for a moment before you feel the ground come out from under you. A cloud captures you and floats you around the room, light and carefree. The words you think you'd never hear have finally been said and you cannot describe the pure elation and euphoria you feel.

You reach out to his shoulder, hoping to ground yourself as well as to offer comfort.

He sighs under your touch. "Please, don't."

His hands still and his shoulders slump. You grab him and turn him to you, lifting his chin till his gaze begrudgingly falls on you. Your heart is pounding hard in your chest from the promise in his words but also from the fear of being mistaken and rejected.

"I can't take it anymore, I need you. Right here. Right now." you whisper, voice husky and thick of want.

His eyes widen as he curiously examines your face.

"Please, Yoongi." you plead, hand drifting down to his, your fingers hesitantly entwining together with his. "I've waited so long for you."

His mouth crashes against yours in an instant and it takes your breath away. His sweet lips moving rapidly with yours, the taste of him enough to have your entire body throbbing violently with need. 

His hands find you and pull you closer, your body now pressed tightly against him. The heat rising from him drives you crazy and as his scent swirls your senses, it makes it impossible to think of anything but him.

"God, you make me crazy, woman." He whispers against your mouth.

You can't help but smile as your hands find anchor in his hair. "Yea, but you love me for it."

He kisses you deep, softly massaging his lips against yours, caressing them in the most gentle way. You feel like your worries and problems have dissipated, leaving you light and full of adoration.

"No arguments there." He replies.

#bangtanarmynet #thebtswritersclub #bangtanuniversity #ficswithluv #bts fanfiction #bts fanfic #bts yoongi #bts min yoongi #yoongi x reader #min yoongi #yoongi #yoongi fanfic #fake dating au #bangtan fanfiction #bangtan fanfic #bangtan #bts #bangtan boys #bangtan sonyeondan #bts angst #bts fluff

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 14

post directory

obsetress:

obsetress: viola

em: holy shit

em: i think viola could hold a truly ridiculous number of things in her hands

em: danis like i have a little fanny pack right here- and violas like (turns up nose) absolutely not

obsetress: pre therapy viola during her relationship w dani: buys dani a birkin too, is like "here baby, so you don't have to use that fanny pack"

obsetress: dani's like "oh. i, um. like my fanny pack"

obsetress: viola therapy era after her relationship with dani: buys her a hermes fanny pack instead

obsetress: jamie rolls her eyes but dani is literally

em: i think a lot abt viola offering solutions completely unprompted n then being really offended when ppl dont take her up on it

em: pre therapy obvs

obsetress: SAME

obsetress: oh link is gross

obsetress: cost is grosser

obsetress: but viola lloyd dropping $2550 on a fanny pack for her ex gf? chefs kiss

---

obsetress: ok just remembered viola slouching or leaning or w/e n like

obsetress: brain practically applying that to exes au and imagining when and where she'd slouch n everyone's reactions to htat

obsetress: bc like she has perfect posture but when she chooses to do it it's a power move

obsetress: and i. hm

em: yeah

obsetress: viola sitting up stock straight when they first get to brunch and as soon as she's ordered her bloody mary shes pulling off her sunglasses and dropping them on the table and just sinking back

em: how to phrase this w/o sounding too much like a whore

em: actually no way to say this but like i feel v strongly abt the way we make women take up less space wrt to knees together calves touching type deal and i think maybe

em: maybe viola can manspread a bit as a treat

em: hate that term but i cant think of a better one

obsetress: nah she does n it's hot

obsetress: just had this image pre divorce of viola and arthur at marriage counseling on opp ends of the couch n arthur's sitting v tight close and vi is just

obsetress: leaning and spreading a lil

obsetress: the first time jamie sees her do it she's so taken aback

obsetress: because she's NOT expecting it

em: jamies like ah ok late in life lesbian deal and then jokes on her viola is fluent in dyke slouch

obsetress: jamie immediately trying to suss out just how long viola has been fucking women

obsetress: she says to dani later "i thought she was all proper like" and dani's like "she is" and jamie's like "so wot was that then" and dani's like "well, people are gay, jamie,"

em: ghfjhgljkJFDASJKKJFGA

em: jamies like so wait how long HAS viola been

obsetress: jamie: so you were vi's first serious girlfriend right? dani: dani: jamie: right???????

em: violas been fucking women longer than jamie has lbr

em: i mean shes clearly only 35, jamie,

obsetress: jamie: so... vi... viola: hm? jamie: you're, uh, gay, right? viola: obviously jamie: right. well dani told me you've been dating women since–– viola: since i was 15, yes jamie: but you married a man

em: violas like u went to jail everyone does stupid shit occasionally

em: jamie: so how long have you been dating women viola: since i was 15 jamie: no i meant like. in years viola raises her eyebrows and jamies just like haha nevermind fuck

obsetress: she tried!

obsetress: she tried

em: jamie on her 35th birthday pencilling 'many happy returns' into violas ????th 35th birthday card

em: yknow i think

em: i think something's afoot

obsetress: jamie, giving up on the direct approach

obsetress: slipping in next to rebecca at the wine bar

obsetress: "becca"

obsetress: "hi, jamie" "hi. how old is your girlfriend"

em: am fucking losing it thinking abt jamie like. realising how much gay energy viola has

em: like taken ABACK

obsetress: fksljfLKSDJFLJ

obsetress: just like

obsetress: why are jamies reactions to viola so funny

obsetress: montage of jamie realizing how much gay energy viola has

obsetress: jamie watching viola sitting

obsetress: jamie watching viola pick up a variety of glasses and mugs

obsetress: jamie watching viola compare hand sizes with dani, jamie's girlfriend and viola's ex girlfriend who she dated for literal years and whose hand size she definitely already knows

em: NOT THE HAND SZIES

em: they go for a walk and viola immediately complains about the sun and jamie's like

em: i have a spare hat but ur not gonna like it

em: its a snapback that says daddy or smthn in gold, owen got it for jamie for her bday, jamie Loathes it

obsetress: BYE

obsetress: viola looks better in it than jamie does

em: jamie has that

em: am i attracted to viola? moment

em: it passses

em: she has already compartmentalised the weird psychosexual power play

em: queen of compartmentalising

obsetress: jamie: had another one of those moments today dani: what moments? jamie: where i thought i might be attracted to vi dani: well, you did let her fuck you... what was it, four? times in one night, so

em: jamie; yeah but like that aside

em: jamie 'thats neither here nor there' taylor

obsetress: she is the queen of compartmentalizing tho

em: i was gonna be like. 'jamies like wait i dont remember saying four' but. i think she would tell dani

em: because the flip of that is dani callin up vi n i dont think she would necessarily

obsetress: i think she would and dani would make her anyway

obsetress: well make her is harsh but

obsetress: dani would very curiously ask in very convincing ways

em: lovingly coax it out of her

em: dani: what if i fucked you four times in o

obsetress: dani: let me do five

em: viola probably wears so many rings jamie doesn’t even clock the ever present thumb ring

obsetress: jamie just. writes it all off

em: am laughing abt like. viola v meticulously taking off every single ring and putting it in its proper location before...

obsetress: there is something. so hot about that

obsetress: im gonna scream i think

em: i was just meming and now im thinking abt it and

em: truly played myself

em: actually this is me refusing to unpack whatever the hell theo crain gloves made me feel

obsetress: sdkfmsldjfa

obsetress: fair

em: sublimate it into rings

obsetress: i just like um

obsetress: thinkin about when she and dani are together and like

obsetress: it's intentional and everything has its place but vi also makes a show out of it

obsetress: and like

obsetress: she's SO painstaking about it and definitely makes dani wait a little bit and

em: helps dani outta her big ass earrings

em: i mean dani doesnt even Need the help

em: viola meticulous lloyd

em: i mean she just wears so much goddamn jewellry

obsetress: she can tell when dani's getting impatient and goes even slower

em: viola has like

em: viola is one of thos ppl thats really into expensive watches

obsetress: !!!!!!

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: nice lil canon nod too

em: she drags dani to antique auctions n danis like i cant. actually tell the difference between the real and the forgery and violas like (passionately explains it for like 30 minutes) and dani is

em: like shes mentally checked out but also v intensely watching violas hands as she points to the parts of the watch

em: rebecca gets it tho

em: rebecca Gets It

obsetress: dani shoving vi into the bathroom at the auction house and tugging vi's hand between her legs v rebecca grabbing her own auction paddle and bidding against viola for the same watch

obsetress: (rebecca n vi fuck in the car on the ride home)

em: dani grabs a paddle n mimes spanking viola n then the auctioneer is like '$250 to 201' and danis like aw Fcuk

em: violas like i cant take u Anywhere

obsetress: dani gives her the 🥺😌and viola's immediately over it and pulling out $250

obsetress: dani: i didn't even want it, i was just–– vi: i know dani: what am i even gonna do with a–– vi: i'll sell it for $500 at a private auction next week dani: so technically i'm making you money dani, grinning: it's like i'm your employee dani: do you have any more assignments for me, boss? vi: dani get your hand out of my pocket i need to focu––

#dj khaled voice another one #the dani jamie viola rebecca exes au

[beardyallen]

Here we go... (Part 2 of 3)

Alright, so let's talk about April.

[Warning: This is mostly just about my mental health. It’s not super interesting. You won’t learn anything about Beijing. Many of you will probably read this and imagine me sitting here whining. I prefer to call it venting. Feel free to skip this and go directly to Here we go... (Part 3 of 3). It’s where most of the fun stuff is. But...there’s a pretty dope comic about halfway down, so if you also suffer from depression, you should check it out. It’s a good comic. And it makes me smile when everything is gray.]

I generally only talk about my depression with a few people, but I think we could all benefit by having more open discussions about how it affects us. Too many people struggle with this illness, it's stigmatized, and future generations need to know that what they experience is more common than they think. Plus, I imagine that making this beast something that we can talk about will reduce its power and prevalence.

I'm not going to try to talk about the root cause of my issues as I'm not entirely sure where to even start, so I'll just share how it all manifests. And how that's changed over the years. If my mental illness is in fact something that I've been struggling with my entire life, I imagine that it manifested as anger when I was child, usually in response to anxiety around my social situation, exacerbated by end-of-the-semester stress. Why do I think this? Because it seems that I only really got in trouble for acting out in early December or late April/early May. And I was usually retaliating towards a feeling of isolation, invisibility, or worthlessness. It's a pretty strong pattern.

I'm not gonna share any sob stories about how I didn't fit in as a kid, or how moving into a tight-knit community in fifth grade led to a strong feeling of isolation that persisted through middle school and high school. I'm not going to talk about the bullying or harassment. These are things that happened, but they aren't the point. And I'm just as much, if not more, to blame for my circumstances as anyone else.

The anxiety is the point. The feeling that I've had at every stage of my life that I don't matter to the people around me if I'm not always around. That they don't think about me. That if I vanished from their life, they wouldn't notice. That I was replaceable. Or that I was a burden that they would rather shirk off. As far as I can tell, I've felt this way since kindergarten, and all of the anger I felt as a child was in response to stimuli that reinforced this notion.

And in April, the intrusive, invasive thoughts started up again. Yes, of course there were people who wanted to know what was going on with me. There were people who frequently checked in with me to see how I was doing in China. I had every reason to believe that I matter, that my presence was missed, and that I'm still important to people. And in spite of that, it's not how I felt. It even led me to start questioning whether or not my best friend cared about me, which is absurd because of course he does. Life happens. But the voice in my head is a prick.

On top of that, every source of stress in my life spiked. Complications with my teaching assignment manifested, including (but not limited to) issues with my paychecks. Financial reimbursements for my health insurance policy have not been disbursed despite repeated messages to those responsible. Since I'm currently not enrolled in any course credit, my student status was revoked and now those entities which own my student loan debt are looking for payments. My dissertation research stagnated as my collaborator has other super important grad school obligations to deal with, and my Masters Project has been put on hold again for reasons outside my control. It also seems to just get bigger every time I try to make progress. There's also a nagging voice in the back of my head constantly whining about how much more complex my project seems to be in comparison to other Masters projects I've seen from the department. But when the voice pops up, I do what I can to pummel it into submission. I can't live my life in comparison to others.

Beyond that, I randomly wound up with a case of insomnia. For three nights in a row, I laid in bed for hours staring at the inside of my eyelids, watching imaginary scenarios play out as my consciousness jumped from random topic to random topic. In spite of how exhausted I was, I just couldn't get my brain to turn off for more than 30 minutes at a time; during the one or two brief naps, I was privy to some of the most vivid dreams and nightmares that I've had, and my baseline dream/nightmare is already more vivid than most.

So work sucked, minor frustrations related to living in Beijing, no sleep, missing my friends, trying to not freak out about the fact that I'll be effectively homeless all summer (insomuch as I won't have an apartment that I'm officially renting or anything), worrying about the fact that I'm not making as much money as I projected, and just being sick and tired of being sick and tired. April was super fun, guys. Can't you tell?

Mental illness blows. Depression blows. Intrusive thoughts blow.

So I spent an absurd amount of time doing very little. Laying in bed. Reading comic books and rewatching Community. Not writing. Not researching. Being pathetic.

Wondering if I should reconsider my stance on medication. So let's talk about that.

From a philosophical standpoint, I don't much care for the idea of needing a medication to get myself on track. My mental illness is a part of who I am just as much as my intellect and sense of humor are a part of who I am. I'm no genius, but let's consider those individuals who have been described as such and think about just how many of them are suspected to have been depressed or grappling with some sort of mental illness. I'm not going down in history as anyone whose mind is something to admire, but I know that I'm smarter than your average bear. I'm a PhD student studing theoretical mathematics, probability and statistics. I'm simulataneously working on a dissertation related to subgraph density problems and a masters project centered around reconstructing familial networks in forensic databases. These topics are not related, nor has the coursework had very much overlap. Balancing two different graduate degrees is not common among people in my department, but I know that I can handle it.

So if I seek out medication as a means to balance my life, what sort of unforeseen impact will that have on my studies? It is not uncommon for the process of finding "the right medication" to take months, and as your life changes, so too does "the right medication." I have one year left in my program (maybe two if I'm unlucky, and that seems to be how my life goes), my diet is fucked, my sleep schedule has been jacked up for the last few months, and I haven't had regular physical activity excepting the 2 mile walks to and back from Wudaokou several times a week. My work life is tumultuous at the best of times, and all of this is changing in the not-so-distant future. I have been in academia my entire life, living on the same stress-rhythm for the past 24 years. What happens when I'm suddenly a research or data scientist?

Medication is off the table for the time being. I had bi-weekly counseling last semester which seemed to help with my stress levels, but at some point I would like some sort of diagnosis. But before I can seek therapy, I need to be back in the States, with some sort of stable life. That means August of September at the earliest. Probably September. In the meantime, I bounce between feeling like I've got everything figured out and feeling like I'm holding my sanity together with scotch tape. All the while, I question all of the things I thought I knew about how I wanted my life to look as I see more clearly every day just how messed up the world is. Ignorance definitely wasn't bliss, but knowing doesn't feel much better.

------------------------------------

Damn. That was pretty bleak. But I needed to get it out of my head.

Enjoy this dope little comic that I think about every Sunday to help me get through the week.

------------------------------------

Now back to it. I'm open to therapy, I know that it will help. It's part of my long-term plan for mental stability. And I'm open to talking about medication with my future therapist, once the "big issues" in my life that I can control are worked out.

In the meantime, I'm okay. Or at least that's what I'll say whenever someone asks.

Of course I'm not okay. For some reason that I haven't yet worked out, my brain focuses on the negatives waaaaay too much. I do my best to combat it, but generally I've just managed to make this work to my advantage throughout my life, planning for worst-case scenarios, being comfortable with failing when I try to solve a problem, being the skeptic in my research groups. It's made me a better mathematician. It's made me push myself further towards excellence. But it's also inherently held me back.

Before I really had a grasp on my mental illness, I would have periods of numbness. I would get absorbed by these intrusive thoughts and mistake them for my authentic voice. I would see everything around me as gray and conclude that my friendships weren't as wonderful and remarkable as they are, that my relationship is doomed to fail because I don't feel a spark or magnetism anymore, that I'm not actually supposed to be a graduate student and that I'm not good enough and that I've only made it this far as a fluke and eventually everyone will figure out that I'm a fraud. And I've made mistakes because of it. I've let friendships die, relationships fail, and...alright, so I've pretty much been kicking ass at the grad school thing, but I guess my response to feeling like a fraud is usually to push myself super hard until I start burning out. This actually happened last school year when I was preparing for my comprehensive exam, which led to my oral exam, which led right into the end of the semester, with several conferences that I was running and attending, and then a research workshop and then...my seizures came back. Maybe "seizure" isn't quite correct, but I'm not sure what else to call it when my body has a stress-induced reaction that feels like someone swinging an icepick in the back of my skull.

So I'm not okay. But for the time being, that's just going to have to be okay. [Queue i'm ok. by Judah and the Lion]

I could use a nap.

[alixzin]

Right you're going to regret unleashing my prompting because I have 31 OF THEM (I'm really very sorry) a whole bunch are cliched but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ , as you said. Please tell me to fuck off 1. Meeting the cast, take 2. Does he meet them individually or all together? 2. Alex is being bullied at school. Does he fight back or not? Does he tell Lin and V or try to hide it? 3. Alex struggles to make friends because of his attachment issues. 4. Alex does make friends but worries about telling them who his foster family are. (alternatively he tries to hide the fact that he’s a foster kid at all) 5. Maybe it takes a while for them to find the right therapist? 6. Alex actually IS embarrassed by Lin. 7. Alex struggles to gain weight. 8. Legal drama arises with a past foster parent. Maybe they’re brought up on charges for the sexual abuse? 9. Family vacation. Would a beach bring up bad memories? Would Alex hate flying or be totally glued to the window the entire way over? 10. Alex struggles with casual money use because he’s used to having to scrimp and save. 11. Meeting the grandparents 12. Meeting the cousins/aunts and uncles 13. The press learns the Mirandas have a foster kid. 14. Lin starts getting asked about Alex in interviews and SHUTS THAT SHIT DOWN 15. Discussion of the London move (maybe Alex thinks they’re going to leave him behind?) (not sure how foster system works but would they have to jump through lots of legal hoops to be able to take him with them? (Vanessa and her lawyer knowledge) 16. Alex comes to a performance and gets totally star-struck by a VIP (alternatively Lin is totally star-struck by a VIP but has to play it cool because his kid is there) 17. Animal-assisted-therapy (apparently helps a great deal with survivors of sexual assault?) 18. WHITE HOUSE VISIT. 19. Parent-teacher meetings (do you have to do that for the age group you teach lol?) 20. Tony awards/Grammy awards etc. Does Lin mention Alex in his raps/sonnets/teary speeches? If not why? 21. Alex gets twitter or something and posts something he shouldn’t (pic of Seb/script page/private comment) cue angry Lin. 22. Alex has to get an MRI when he gets a proper prescription for his migraine meds. 23. Vanessa and Lin deciding they want to foster 24. Obligatory first meeting with Alex fic 25. Alex learning to trust the Mirandas with regards to touch (maybe like a 5+1 type thing?) 26. Lin introduces Alex to some of his favourite music/movies/books/shows and Alex HATING it. 27. Alex opens up to Lin and V about his past abuse. 28. Taking Tobi for a walk 29. Various occasions- birthdays/holidays and the like 30. Alex starts to gain some independence (getting to school on his own and the like) 31. Awkward Safe Sex talk

all-the-worlds-a-fandom

Prompt responses. Not any stories yet, just bouncing ideas around. I know that I work best when I can discuss my ideas first. Once a lifetime ago (okay, not really but being a teenager feels that way) I wrote a 22 chapter fanfic novel with 2 other authors. The experience was incredible. Pretty much everything I know about writing was learned from that collaboration. Basically, it consisted of writing a small piece, sharing it with the other two and then spending hours discussing it and what comes next via the comment section with these two strangers. Looking back, I can’t even say it was my best work, but it was creativity at its finest.

2. He would hide it. Alex would so hide it! I think how he’d react would be a bizarre contrast between little Alex putting his head down just taking it and overreacting/ lashing out big time. I’m picturing the inside out characters fear and anger (still haven’t seen it) fighting over lead control on this one. I imagine this would just egg the bullies on since not knowing which reaction they were going to get this time would add to the fun of it. I’m not picturing physical bullying, just a constant wave of low level taunts and harassment.

3. Yes! One thing I don’t want to do is go the route, that like everyone has done, where Alex quickly has a close group of friends (Laurens, Mulligan, Lafayette, Schuyler sisters). It’s adorable, but already well explored. I am much more interested in the idea of Alex being very isolated and alone in the world. Like I could see one of the reasons Alex and Lin are so close is because Lin is Alex’s only friend.

I’m very charmed by the idea of Alex becoming friends with Chris Jackson’s son whose a few years younger than Alex and has autism. Lin and Chris are best friends so it makes sense their families would spend a lot of time together. I can picture the two boys hiding in the corner together at a cast party, both overwhelmed by all the people and noise for different reasons. I can see it taking Lin a while to acknowledge that with all of Alex’s combined issues, he’s also a special needs father like Chris, but once he does becoming even closer to his friend from having this is common. Maybe there’s a moment at the party watching the two of them together and coming to this realization. (note though that I would only ever write about their interactions observed from a distance, or mentioned in passing, since writing fanfic about a real life child is so crossing the line) I can also see Lin just aching for Alex to have a friend.

4,6,13,14. It will take him awhile but once he starts forming the beginning seeds of friendship this would be a big issue that derails his attempts. Especially with Lin’s overnight celebrity status that comes from Hamilton. Since Alex coming to them when the show is still in development I can see this becoming a major plotline. Lin starts getting recognized on the streets of NYC all the time when he’s out with Alex and it freaks him out. It becomes a thing that Alex is constantly ducking out of the way for selfies, but people also start taking creepy photos of them from a distance and posting it to the internet. Questions start to arise about who this teen is that looks just like LMM. When asked by fans Lin dismissively says he’s a relative, so initially the thought is that Alex is his nephew, but as Alex starts popping up more and it comes out that he’s living with him the circulating rumor is that Alex might be Lin’s bastard child from a prior relationship (since they look so much alike) and that Lin might have knocked up a gf in college that he recently got custody of.  People become extra curious because Lin is always tweeting about his life and sharing photos, but Alex is never directly mentioned which seems suspicious. Lin’s super protective and does not want to let on that Alex is a fosterkid. Any press questions about Alex and the interview would be shut down. He knows the press would have a field day with that story, but at the same time the various circulating rumors start to become very harmful. I also know that in the state of New York it is perfectly legal for paparazzi to take photos of celebrity kids (while it’s illegal in California) which starts to become a problem for Alex. Just to add to the mess, social services starts to question if the Miranda’s are a suitable placement given all of this. Oh boy…

5. Honestly because he’s Hamilton I don’t think he’s ever going to fully open up to a therapist. No matter what they do or which new person they try Alex just keeps on glaring and refusing to talk. Eventually they all realize that it’s currently a waste of time, but since social services is requiring it they keep bringing Alex to his weekly sessions. Maybe after a couple years of this Alex will finally break?

7. Conversation coming back from doctor’s appointment weigh in:

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I know that wasn’t nearly enough. I really am trying, I swear. I’ll do better though, promise. I’ll make you proud next time.” Alex is bordering on hysterical, crushed by the look of disappointment on Lin’s face when he saw the numbers on the scale. He hates letting him down.

“Alexander I’m not mad at you, kid.”

“You’re not?”

“No! All this means is we’re stopping for a big serving of ice cream on our way home.”

9. Maybe on a family trip to Puerto Rico? Yeah, I don’t think Alex would do well with the beach, especially in an environment so close to Nevis. I can just see him standing frozen right on the edge of where the ground meets the sand, refusing to take a step further. The whole family is dressed and ready for a fun day on the beach and Alex won’t move. Lin and Vanessa are baffled since the exact details of what happened to him with the hurricane are fuzzy in his report. Alex and the ocean have some major trust issues to work out. If the ocean was a character like in Moana they would need couples counseling. If they stayed in a beachfront resort they’d end up having to switch to a room that *wasn’t* ocean view.

15. This has been in the back of my mind for a while now. I’ve gone as far as to research it a bit and prior court permission is required before even taking a foster kid out of state. Out of the country trips are allowed, but requires a lot of advance planning and paperwork, and an extended time would not be well tolerated. They would probably have to fast track an adoption or legal guardianship (a step between fostering and adoption, I have a friends Mom whose done this with a child of distant Native American decent who could not legally be adopted outside of their tribe) to make it happen. But Alex might not be legally free to be adopted because it can’t be proven that Alex’s dad might not come back into the picture later. Meanwhile they are trying to keep all these legal proceedings a secret from Alex so he doesn’t stress over it, but then Alex reads online that Lin has been cast in Mary Poppins before they get a chance to talk to him about it, and becomes convinced he’s getting left behind. He would probably sit on this for a good week or so before saying anything. Later when it’s looking like it’s not going to go through Lin is ready to turn down the role and Alex feels horrible. This is angst extreme!

18. I just love the image of Alex tagging along shyly behind Lin at the white house. But it’s sure going to take a lot of convincing to get him to come…

19. Yes, I do! I’ve given some thought into the process of Alex needing to be placed on a special plan (like a 504 plan for his panic attacks and migraines since they are affecting his ability to function at school). This is the definition of writing what I know! It can be a tough process and I can see Alex (and initially Lin) being resistant to having any kind of association with special education.

Written weeks ago:

Alex’s mid-term report card leaves him dumbfounded. It’s not even the letter grades themselves, averaging C’s with a splattering of B’s and Ds). It’s the comments that shock him:

“Multiple missing assignments, falling behind, risk of failing, does not complete assignments, frequently misses class, clearly very bright, not living up to potential, work completed brilliant, lazy.”

This is not his Alex. Alex who Lin constantly finds knee deep in schoolwork. Alex who stays up far later than he should reading. Alex who frequently needs to be forced to take a break from his writing. Did they get him mixed up with another Alexander Hamilton?

Some digging reveals that Alex often skips class when feeling especially anxious or having a panic attack or avoiding other students. He hides in the bathroom. He also gets lots of milder headaches which makes it hard to get class assignments done. Also, Alex flat out refuses to participate in group projects.

After talking to all of the teachers a theme emerges: all homework, extended individual assignments and tests Alex excels in. He’s doing horribly in participation points, groups projects and in class assignments. How well he’s doing is proportional to how much weight these items carry in class. Classes where tests and essays make up the bulk of the grade Alex is doing well in. Classes where the opposite is true Alex is bombing.  

20. “Sebastian and Alex, Daddy’s bringing you home a Grammy.” That’s all I’ve got so far, and it might be changed, but it’s cute. I think it’s a given that Alex refuses to come to any of the award ceremonies, despite multiple offers.

22 I’ve been throwing this idea around as well (it’s already been eluded to in the stories). When I was Alex’s age I had, like, all of the brain related tests done. I thought the MRI was super cool, but I can see anyone with claustrophobia or trust issues (a cage like thing is placed over your head to keep it still and the machines quite loud) freaking out. EEGs sucked! I had to stay awake for 24 hours with no caffeine beforehand and then they torture you with flashing lights and weird breathing and such. Then my teenage self got all hysterical about all the glue in my hair because I was so exhausted my emotions were all out of whack. I’m already feeling bad for Alex (and Lin) thinking about how I’m going to use this memory to torture him.

24. Since our first discussion I have come up w/ a few ideas that haven’t been done before, but I’m keeping those to myself for now. We’ll see what happens.

New problem: what do I tackle first?  

#feedback please! #fosterdadlin #Alex and Lin verse #writing ideas #toomuchfreetime

[a425app]

Interview 07

Interview Questions

How are you?

Pretty good! It’s been a nice morning so far. Woke up at my leisure, had some coffee, conducted an interview with my father-in-law, and now I’m here

What is your name?

Cory Timmons

What is your age?

31

What gender do you identify as?

Female. I’m a transwoman, and I make that distinction. I can’t deny that I lived as a man for most of my life, although, that’s not how I felt inside. Many transwoman do not like to make the distinction between being a woman and being a transwoman, but I think it’s the most accurate way to describe me. I’m still very early in my transition, and expect to change a lot in the next 2-5 years.

What are the things that have been on your mind today?

Getting my interviews done is really stressing me out. I’m very nervous that I don’t know enough people to properly conduct the required number of interviews.

What's been the most enjoyable part of you of your day so far?

My coffee and chat with my husband this morning. I love him so much.

Is there something your looking forward too?

I’m looking forward to checking some things off my list today so I can reduce my stress. I know what I have to do, I took some time before bed to make a list of things for the weekend, so now I just have to GSD- get shit done!

What is the most important thing that matters to you at the moment?

Completing my degree.

Do you work? If so how many hours a week and what sort of job is it? / do you work on site or at home (or alternate location)

Yes. It varies. I work between 5 and 20 hours a week. I make posters for the music department, and occasionally do administrative work for an occupation/physical therapy company who helps kids with special needs in SF. I work at home for both jobs.

What are some things you like to do on the weekends?

Lately, working on homework. My husband and I like to have morning dates.. so we go out thrift shopping and have a nice lunch together. I like to just be cozy, so I immediately put my pjs on after we get home. If I have time, I clean the house, organize/work on little projects to make the house a little easier to live in. Every few weeks, we get brunch with my mom. If I perform in drag, I usually do so on the weekends.

What is your living situation like?

We live in a spacious house surrounded by trees with our pets. We’re very near a park, and near to amenities in town. I’m very very lucky.

is your living space organized to help you accomplish your tasks or goals, whatever they may be?

I think so. I have a dressing room/private lounge that’s just for me. It’s my own little haven in the house. We also have a nice art studio that’s set up for physical and digital arts. The rest of the house has a great flow, lots of pocket doors and things so we can close off parts as we need to. I love this house. It’s very well-designed.

What kinds of chores did you do during childhood/adolescents?

Very few. Basically just cleaning my room to the point it wasn’t a fire hazard, but even then, my parents were incredibly lenient about my chores. My mom did all of it, and I still feel immense guilt about it. That’s probably the most “male” part of my up-bringing—I was waited on hand-and-foot by my mom. I ultimately suffered for it. I had none of these skills, yet I was often in the position of being asked to do those tasks because of the dynamics of my relationships. I basically taught myself housekeeping from martha stewart, and then tried to come back down to earth to a more practical style of keeping house.

Would you say you actively seek out new things to try?

Oh totally

What are some of your goals for your daily life?

I’d like to walk the dog more consistently. I’d like to get in the habit of writing for thirty minutes every single day. I would like to be better about my makeup removal/getting ready for bed routine.

What are some of your goals in general?

I want to make Salem more comfortable fore queer/trans folks. Our city can be very hostile and cruel toward people with deviant genders and sexualities, and we don’t really have a ton of resources considering our city’s size. So that’s a big focus of my life. In fact, I’d say it’s what I’d identify as my purpose for the time. Besides that, more short term, I want to graduate and get a good job making a difference in the world. I’d like to work for a non-profit or some other kind of business/entity that improves peoples lives. I want to keep my art-making practice outside of school—it’s changed my life for the better and I don’t want to lose this power and passion I’ve developed.

What are some things that make you feel proud of yourself?

When I complete an art work that accomplishes my content and formal goals I feel very proud of myself. I feel proud of myself when I survive harsh and cruel situations and still keep my head up. I feel proud of myself when I speak my truth, not fearing the reprisal or consequences.

What activities give you the most satisfaction?

At home, DIY projects and gardening are probably the most satisfying. I get to see it change from A to B and it lasts—something that I can continue to witness over time.

What kinds of things do you to relieve stress?

I listen to guided imagery. I find it helps immensely with my anxiety and PTSD symptoms. I used to self medicate much more with alcohol and marijuana, but I’ve cut back a lot on both of those things, but still use. Not the best way to relieve stress, so I’m trying to be more mindful about it and use healthier options. Meh. No one’s perfect.

What is something you wish you had more time to do?

Making art, particularly digital art. I dream of making a video game. Some kind of RPG, like Final Fantasy or even action-adventure like Zelda. I’d love to have more time to devote to that.

What kinds of things take up most of your time?

Homework right now, and miscellaneous administrative tasks. Honestly, my schedule is so tight right now that it’s all kind of a blur.

How do you feel after you have completed a task.

Great!

How do you reward yourself?

This is a step a rarely do. I only really reward myself for BIG things. When I quit smoking cigarettes, I saved the money I had been spending on that and bought myself a game console.

How much time do you take just for yourself?

I spend a good hour and a half each morning waking up, drinking coffee, listening to podcasts and doing my shower/makeup/dressing routine. At night, I spend about an hour listening to music/podcasts, playing video games, or reading.

What are the most frustrating aspects of your daily activities/ day?

Driving. I love it and hate it. I like the ability to drive, but I hate commuting. So it’s a a weird dynamic! I would love to have the ability to ride a bus or trolley or something to work so I don’t have to think about it. But I’d still want a car because I enjoy driving. Weird, huh? I guess it just feels like I’m losing about an hour of productive time each day.

What time of day do you tend to do your work/chores/ homework

Any time I have, I spend it on that. So, usually 4-9 MWF, 12-9 T/R. All day on the weekend.

Do you feel like you have a good balance between work and personal life?

Not at all, but this period of my life is not about that at all. I’m doing all this work so I can have a personal life again. I absolutely do not intend to keep this pace. It will destroy me and my marriage if I do. I intend to be a more normal “adult” when I’m done with school.

How consistent is your schedule?

Parts are very consistent, other parts are variable. School obviously doesn’t change, but I have counseling/therapy appointments at various times of the week/alternating weeks, evening events, etc.

Can you describe a typical day for you from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed?

7:15 wake up, glass of water, take pills

7:30 coffee, read news, listen to podcasts, homework if needed

8:30 Shower

9:00 Makeup/dress

9:25 Leave for school

9:30 McDonalds

9:55 Arrive at school

10-4 classes

4:00 leave for home

4:25 get home. Drink water, take dogs out

4:45 use the bathroom

5:00 start dinner

5:30 hug mike when he gets home (our main ritual), then feed the dogs

6:00 eat dinner

6:30 dishes

6:45 watch tv/chit chat catch up with mike

8:00 Homework

9:00 alone time in my lounge: video games, music podcasts, drawing, etc.

9:30 remove contacts/makeup, night cream, take night pills

9:45 alone time again

10:15 – 10:45 slip into bed. Read in bed until I pass out.

What time of day do you feel the most alert/happy

Mid-day, 2-6

What do you think having a routine means?

Doing stuff without really thinking about it.

Do you have a daily/weekly routine(s) If so, What are some of your daily/weekly routines?

My days are pretty routine in the way I describe it. Not a lot deviates from that. The main consistent routine centers around school and caring for my dogs.

What tools do you use to plan or remind yourself of activities or a routine if any?

I have a family calendar  mike and I share to keep aware of our day-to-day. We have a chore chart for those kinds of things. Other than that, not realy.

Do you think having a daily routine would/does benefit you? Why or why not?

I think some of the things that’d be good for my skin/body would definitely benefit me. I’m pretty inconsistent about makeup removal, and I’d like to be better about caring for my skin in that way.

Have you done any research / read articles about having a routine?

No.

How often would you say you search for things involving lifestyle: blogs, articles, magazines etc.

Rarely.

Would you be interesting in learning how to best establish and stick to a routine?

What would that look like to you?

Yes. I think it would be positively encouraging and would try to keep me going if I fuck up. I think a lot of times it feels like “all is lost” if I miss a day or don’t do something quite right. So I’d want something to hold me accountable but still keep my interest? Maybe some funny content, connections with others. Tricks on how to get your brain to re-wire.

Do you use technology for planning and/or reminders? If so, what are your favorite tools/programs.

Why are those your favorite?

Yes. I use the apple calendar, and mike and I share it. It’s pretty intuitive, it’s native on the phone, and I can share with hubby.

What are some of your favorite apps to use? Why those? How do you use them? How often do you use them?

I don’t use a ton of apps, but I like the adobe apps for iPad a lot. I think they have the right amount of features for me to draw or do whatever. It’s like JUST what I need… no bloat. It doesn’t feel hard to learn. You just kind of open it and it’s obvious what to do.  I use them to make vector drawing sketches that I pull into illustrator and refine. I use adobe capture a ton to make cool shapes and illustrations, too. I use these almost daily.

If you could make a app for keeping track of a routine what would be some of the features you would want?

I would want to sync up with others doing it too. Social really helps for me. I’d want it to keep track of what I’m doing, maybe remind me of the benefits of what I’m doing. That was something that really helped me when I quit smoking… your lungs are x better and your risk of x is x or whatever really helped me to see the benefit of continuing something that was fucking sooooo hard I wanted to quit a million times day. Six years later it’s hard to imagine that, like it really worked for me. So, I guess getting through the shittiness of starting and then reinforcing after I’ve picked up the habit.

Have you ever failed to stick to a routine? If so, why do you think that was?

Yeah, I can’t tell you how many diet and exercise routines I used to try. I think I always wanted to go whole hog instead of just accepting that a little bit at a time over time is better than a quick burst all at once. I think it has to be something that will fit into my normal life..,. I shouldn’t have to plan my whole fucking day around a routine just to stick to it. I don’t do well with anything regimented or with negative punshiment. Fuck that. So it has to feel good, be easy, and feel positive.

Do you have any medical conditions that you think might affect your ability to stick to a regular schedule or routine?

Not really. Allergies maybe.

Do you think your profession has an impact on your routine?

Yes. I think being a student puts me in a position of forcing myself into a certain structure of time. In my old job, I had a very consistent schedule and no work to take home. My husbands job is not like that. We have different routines. SO I dunno, maybe it’s profession, maybe it’s the level of job, maybe it’s personality.

To what degree do you think other people impact your routine?

A lot routines and things need support, and I think if someone else is against the change, it can make the change very hard to deal with. I think everyone in a household kind of has to be on board.

Would you be more likely to do something if someone else was holding you accountable?

Maybe, but not in like an authoritarian sense. Like not like a directive, but more collaborative, like we’re in it together. Like… my bestie and I like to walk, so we often encourage each other in that way, but the same is true… she’s my bestie so it’s just as easy to say “fuck it” because we know neither of us REALLY wants to do it, ya know?? So maybe it’d need to be someone I was less close to so the social pressure to maintain the habit was a little higher.

If we came back in [x number of] years to have this conversation again, what would you like to be different?

I think I will have a pretty routinized daily life that is hitting all the boxes of things I want to work on and accomplish. Ithink I will have built more “down time” into my schedule because right now I’m working way too fucking hard and I know I can’t keep this up.

Is there anything I’ve missed?

Maybe what inspires a change. So I want to walk more for the main reason of my health: I’m very sedentary and I’m worried that as I get older I will miss my “easy” chance at starting to exercise and incorporate something health related into my lifestyle. To be honest, my disconnection from my body is not surprising. It never felt like home to me. It felt inhospitable and like someone else’s body. Now that I’m on the path of having the body I want (through hormone replacement) I’m feeling a much deeper connection to my body and the way that it cares and provides for me. So, in many ways I regret the apathy and neglect I demonstrated toward my body during my youth. It’s hard to know that I did so much damage to my body in my younger years and that I can’t take that time back. So maybe some motivation for wanting to change. I’m starting a new life, and I need to think about what the life means and what I want out of it, if that makes sense. And the health of my body is central to my ability to live the life I want. So that’s why I want a better routine.

Is there anything you want to tell me?

Thank you for being a good friend. : )

Any questions?

[2centsofsilver]

OMG I AM SO EXCITED AND HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!! I’m sitting in Espresso Royale, my new favorite coffee shop, right on South U, across from the SSW. I just got done eating a super shitty cheese calzone at this hole in the wall pizza joint a few stores down.  Let’s backtrack for a moment. I didn’t end up needing to call the CAPS crisis hotline last night or the national crisis text line for the first time in 4 days. I ended up confiding to my new SSW friend Brendon about my suicidal ideations and needing urgent help. Together we came up with the game plan that I would go to advising this morning and either the picnic after or skip the picnic and go to CAPS. I ended up coming home last night after SEED and crashing from 7:45-11:45 and going back to bed around 3:45am till 10. I got ready and left sorta late and then the bus didn’t come right away. It was held up in traffic once on the bus and then I had to walk from MI Union to Lorch, except I had no idea where Lorch Hall was. My GPS walking directions led me to it and I couldn’t find the entrance. I think it just connects through the School of Ed, but I didn’t know how to get in there. I ended up walking way past it and asking a security guard who once again pointed me toward where my GPS led me. Around 11:04 I decided my social anxiety was too severe to walk in late, so I sat on a bench to try and stop sweating. P.S. Did I mention I got my period yesterday? Fuck. More on that later. Point: I couldn’t hardly move my body forward on campus walking to Lorch and had exhausted myself and had to sit down. After deciding to fucking skip required MSW Advising, I just sat on the bench in the shade a while and decided finally, to walk to CAPS. I decided to take the bus back to the park and ride and back again to the Union because I couldn’t walk the 900 steps to the Union. But when the 62 arrived in front of the Libraries, I couldn’t walk the 10 steps fast enough to get on and missed it. By this time I was basically sleep walking. I finally made it to the Union and went to the 3rd floor. I drank some water and then walked into CAPS: “I need a walk in.” She couldn’t hear me. “I need a walk in. It’s an emergency.” She asked me to repeat myself. “I NEED A WALK IN. IS PATTY HERE?” “Ohhhhhh sorry. I thought you said you needed water. No, I don’t think Patty is the crisis psychologist today, I think it’s Cheryl. You’ll just need to fill out the urgent care questionare on the computer.” Went and did that.  Through life experience, you learn well. You don’t flow with the masses. Aka, when directions say, “Be Breif” and you’re in crisis (or not in crisis), be as thorough as possible. I explained everything in that little box. I knew I didn’t possess the energy to voice it out loud. I then proceeded to flip through an adult coloring book (all filled up) and sorta doze off/stare into space. When you close your eyes in a counseling center waiting room, not afraid to fall asleep, and you have severe social anxiety, that’s how you know you must not be doing well. Stop blaming yourself and telling yourself your problems aren’t real, < , or exaggerated. That’s something your parents would say. Eventually Cheryl came out and called my name. She was calm, sweet, and smiling. I followed her back and sat down in a chair and a big, vast, open, light room with big windows. It was pleasant. She sat down with me and told me she thoroughly read all of Patty’s notes from my last 2 times and was up to date on my history. She said she thoroughly read my description and said she deeply appreciated it. She then apologized for my struggle the last few weeks in finding help. She validated my severe depression, SI, and PMDD. When she apologized for my struggles in finding help, I turned away and cried just a little. I told her I’ve never once struggled in my life finding a therapist. When I told her I’ve been in therapy 11 years, she sympathized. I’d never experienced that before. Not sure how I feel about the sympathy, but I appreciated her deep genuine care. I don't know what my life would have been like without therapy and I love therapy. I do well with therapy, so I never thought to myself, “I wish I didn’t need therapy.” I’d be very scared to be thrown into the world without it. I also cried because I told her I didn’t understand why CAPS couldn’t help me long term when they’re all I’ve found who have helped me so far. The only source of hope I’ve had.  Immediately, she was very committed to finding me immediate, concrete help. Not just help, but ANSWERS. SOLUTIONS. I am so fucking grateful for CAPS. So far both Patty and Cheryl have been the absolute best, most effective psychologists I have ever met. CONCRETE from the start. U of M is no joke. She wanted to know if I have a psychiatrist, what my medication situation is like, and whether I feel they’re no longer effective. I told her about my old psychiatrist in Kzoo, how much I trust her, and am keeping her. But then I moved into how their voicemail system never works when you need med refills, how she’s old-fashioned, how she’s always disappointed when I’m not doing well and happy for me when I am. Cheryl grew very concerned and emphasized emphasized emphasized advice to seek psychiatry via UHS. She also mentioned I ranked my current conditions higher in severity this time than last time. I hadn’t realized. I also told her how I have appointments with Christine and Amy this week and next week. She highly advocated for that. She helped me establish steps and not even a “sense of direction,” but REAL direction. Not only external direction, but internal crisis. Cheryl helped me identify a pattern in my thinking I was aware of, but using different words and analogies than most counselors thus far. I really liked the way she provided information. She said she notices I have a very “Should/Should Not” perspective in my decisions and life view. She said, “Why not both?” She said to insert an “and” in between hard decisions. She said “This and This.” Present Moment AND Direction. Example: “I can get through this moment AND I can act on direction. “I can get through this moment by skipping advising because it’s what I need to do AND I can email my adviser to reschedule our appointment.” “I can ground myself in this crisis AND go to the emergency room.” “I can start and succeed in this program AND struggle.” “I can do well AND not feel well.” “I can skip the picnic AND make friends.” “I can work on old friendships AND meet new people.” “I can be myself AND have a disorder, but I’m not my disorder.” That was the next thing. I’ve heard that phrase before, “I have a disorder, but I’m not my disorder.” I’ve always wholeheartedly believed it. But I started thinking and said, “I’ve always known my depressed self. I’ve been in therapy 11 years. Depression is all I know and what I am.” She said, “Depression doesn’t define you. Your PMDD does not define you. Your anxiety does not define you. They aren’t you.” I thought for a second how much I wish those with a stigmatized uneducated understanding of mental health would learn and understand that.  Dear every person who has ever left me, I have depression, but there’s more to me than that. I have anxiety, but I’m also Katie. I have PMDD, but I do lots of activities that I think we may have in common; I think we could connect on similar world views; blah blah blah, etc. Also to the POS who recently told me she keeps a distance from people who are “amped up” and have anxiety, when I asked her whether there was potential for friendship, fuck you :) Cheryl was really amazing. We talked about my roommate situation and she told me I need to take care of me and don’t need to feel “OBLIGATED” to keep her up to date. I felt so validated and helped, that I no longer felt hollow and scared. I felt tired still, so I asked her to direct me to the Wellness Zone where I sat in a massage chair for over an hour next to a person who came in to take a nap :) What ultimately got me out of the massage chair was realizing how starving I was and a really sweet looking person coming in wanting a chair. I told her I was all done and to enjoy, went to the bathroom, and left the Union and started walking toward the South U restaurants. First I stopped by the SSW to pick up our gift. It was a U of M SSW backpack and some bumper stickers. Cool. Basically I didn’t need to buy the fucking $50 Target backpack. The woman who directed me to the Student Services office to get the gift asked if I was new to A2 and I said yes. She said, “Have you figured out where to buy toilet paper yet?” I wanted to get out of this conversation. “Yes HAHAHA” I said, fake laughing. She said “Because that’s the first step. Toilet paper is important.” I just wanted to say, “My survival is more important and you don’t need toilet paper to survive, but whatever you say, happy administrator. Side Note: I’m sitting in Espresso Royale and that one song by that one band is playing. Ummmm... Guster? Satellite? Something like that. Maybe. But maybe not. It was when that song came out and on the same CD. I just wanted to say that when you’re really scared in a new place and feeling in the dark with depression and stuff, sensory stimulation is so important. So when you hear a song from where you’ve come from, it makes you remember you’re ok and still you. Some things are different, but you’re still you. So on my way out from the Student Services office in the SSW, I sorta lingered for a few in the ground floor lobby. I looked at flyers and stared down the windows into the lower level (library?) I noticed a girl who looked very nice. Do you ever just see people and you can tell almost right away that they could easily have a spot in your life? She looked up from her computer and smiled when I first walked in. I smiled back. On my way out, we looked at each other again and said, “Hi.” I walked out of the SSW and into the hole in the wall shit show pizza shack (South U Pizza). Ordered my disgusting calzone and sat by myself just a few minutes. Noticed the girl walking towards the pizza place and looking at the menu on the window before deciding to come in. She walked in and ordered her slices of pizza and then was on her way to find a place to sit. I was looking at her in hopes of catching her attention. “Hey,” I said. “Weren’t you just in the SSW?” She said yeah and got a big smile and I asked if she wanted to sit with me. She said sure! We started talking and nothing was awkward. That’s another tell tale sign. We jumped right in from introductions to tracks of study to where we’re from to career goals to interests. It flowed really really well and there was a lot of relatability and laughing. We sat there about 2 hours and talked and talked until eventually she said, “Wanna be friends?” I was so happy, I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of elatedness that overcame me. I don’t believe in god and rarely the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason,” but there was definitely something there. Sometimes I really believe my grandma drops gifts for me and hears and listens and watches. I think she can sorta read my mind and knows my curiosities and drops gifts that allow them to come true. The very first thing we both said after exchanging names at the beginning was how we both saw each other and smiled and said hi and had a mutual mental thought, “I should introduce myself or say something,” but neither of us did. And then about 5 minutes later, she popped into that pizza place. We ended up exchanging numbers and adding each other on FB. She said I was the 2nd person she met and added on FB and then it was so weird! The 1st person she met yesterday and added on FB came walking into the pizza place LOL. The last maybe 45 minutes or so of our conversation was talking about past jobs and my SEED course and aversion to ABA. She was unfamiliar with ABA and told me she was actively following everything I was saying and that I should pursue this passion. I was talking about my SEED course: Integrative Health- A Whole Person Approach. She advocated for my ideas to voice my thoughts to my professor, get involved in the IH movement within the SSW, accept her offer as a recruitee, and create my own SSW student organization. She told me I should consider dedicating an aspect of my career to the up and coming power movement toward IH and away from ABA for developmental disabilities. We talked and talked. She seemed powerfully moved and very excited for me. She made me think about things I never had, such as my own power and ability to potentially make this happen and bring new knowledge to the realm of ABA/autism treatment research. We talked a lot about my conflict of not understanding why I’m in the minority given general core values from an outside perspective, whether naïve to the field or not having not done it, those core values not aligning with what ABA is ABOUT and centered around, means something. The adults coming forward. She also told me she recognized me from my post on the Team 97 FB group about the 62 bus that got 78 likes LOL This girl is really cool and I am so grateful to have met her. We plan on getting together another time soon. Her name is Savannah by the way :) We walked out of the pizza place and to the espresso shop where she asked if I’m a hugger. We hugged. She had referenced her fiancé and being LGBTQ a couple times and at the end I said, “Hey I want to ask you. You mentioned knowing a bit about the LGBT/Queer Community here; I’m recently out and need some support. Could we talk about that sometime?” She said, “I’m so happy you mentioned that. Yes of course! I’d be happy to talk with you more about that.” “Thank you. I’m struggling with it.” She seemed really happy, almost proud of me. I can’t wait to hang out with this new friend again soon! :) Time to write my SEED paper now. Hoping to finish before the last 10pm bus. 6:09 PM.