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televisor-reviews · 5 years

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Everything Of Note I Have To Say About “Star Vs. The Forces Of Evil” Season 4!

As I’m sure you’re aware, the great animated series Star Vs. The Forces Of Evil has recently concluded and I have a ton to say about it... So I made a list!

1. Spoilers...

2. Duh...

3. Before anything, I absolutely loved it! This was the finale this great show really deserved.

4. Let’s start from the beginning: I’ve been watching Star Vs. for a few years now when a good friend of mine recommended it to me. At first I was resistant because the advertising for it at the time was god awful, but luckily I was convinced otherwise and been loving it ever since.

5. The show premiered when I was a teenager, going through all the cliche teen shit. So seeing a show that portrayed the overly dramatic life of a teenager without being one of those stock teen dramas was a good change of pace.

6. In particular, I remember being amazed that it could be so relatable while still being able to have it’s upbeat and fast-paced fantasy/sci-fi action sequences and world while also having a good mixture of mature and juvenile humor. I mean, all of that would seem to work against each other and yet this show made it work in spades.

7. Actually, the way Star Vs. uses it’s fictitious setting to complement its down-to-earth characters while juggling great humor reminds me a lot of a different Disney property: Guardians Of The Galaxy. GOTG, I think, is the perfect film to study if you want to ever write for sci-fi or fantasy because director James Gunn understood that you can have as wild and crazy of a world as you want but you still need to write your characters as genuine as possible. If you don’t, you’ll get something like Avatar (the movie); a film that everyone remembers liking because of the incredible world and even better effects, but no one can name a single character or plot-point. The universe still needs to be grounded by the characters or else it’ll become forgettable and un-relatable. Star Vs., thankfully, does not have this problem. I love the characters, their trials, their tribulations, all because they feel real despite the world in which it takes place.

8. That isn’t to say there isn’t a reason to set a story in a fantastical world or that there isn’t an issue with being too relatable. If anything, the world of the show helps to make it more entertaining, less monotonous, and more unique. Without it, Star Vs. would be another Pretty Little Liars or Zoey 101 or Dawson’s Creek or any other boring teen drama out there. They’re practically identical because they start off too similarly! They all follow around relatively normal teenagers in a relatively normal world with their relatively normal life and god do none of them stand out. So Star Vs. separates itself by still keeping its characters pretty wacky and the universe as crazy as Daron Nefcy’s imagination!

9. Even by a storytelling perspective, this makes more sense because there is objectively more that can be done! By the end of Zoey 101, Zoey and her lame crew basically did everything they could do without jumping the shark too much. In comparison, there are countless adventures Marco and Star could go on even past the series finale.

10. And because the number of future adventures are countless, part of the tragedy of the show ending is that we (the audience) don’t get to experience them alongside these characters we’ve learned to love so much. Keeping that door open leaves a much longer lasting impression on the audience, as apposed to the ending of Zoey 101 in which... wait, what happened again? I don’t remember. Anyways!

11. I love the comedy in this show! From the very beginning, the humor was very lighthearted and yet mature because it had to be. It had to have a tinge of maturity to it because the target audience isn’t little kids like it would be for a show like My Little Pony or SpongeBob. Star Vs., with it’s doomsday atmosphere and constant teen drama, was definitely geared more towards older children/preteens. The ones more likely to watch a show like Gravity Falls or Rick And Morty and this audience will not tolerate childish humor. They can appreciate it sprinkled in here and there but if used too much, they’re taste will sour. This is because as they are maturing to to start maturing into adulthood, there is the natural need to separate from childish things with the added childishness of wanting to totally separate from it. That’s why on The Loud House, a punchline could literally be poop and why that is not something you’d see very often on Star Vs.

12. With that said, the show still needed the humor to be incredibly lighthearted because otherwise this show would be so depressing! The worlds in which these characters live in and know are constantly changing, evolving, and almost blowing up. For Christ sake, many important characters die in this finale! The only one who died in Gravity Falls was the villain and in this, the villain isn’t even one of them! Seeing Marco and Star still be able to crack jokes to one another and making each other laugh keeps spirits high. God knows Hekapoo can’t do that now!

13. Speaking of Marco and Star, I have been a hardcore Starco defender from the very beginning despite the show constantly trying to convince me otherwise! There are so many perfect pairings in this cast that any one of them could’ve worked if Nefcy were top change her mind. If it ended with Star x Tom or Marco x Janna or Star x Janna or Marco x Hekapoo or Marco x Tom or Marco x Kelly it would’ve worked perfectly well.

14. But lets not kid ourselves, it was always going to end with Marco x Star. Their relationship and chemistry is unmatched, they might be the only couple in existence to say a joint line like “With or without magic, we were always meant to be together,” work and come off as not only sincere but true. I don’t even believe in the whole “soul mate” mumbo-jumbo, but I’d be damned if they are not that!

15. I audibly squealed in delight when they finally got together. It was like the build-up of four season culminated in one scene.

16. Though it wouldn’t really surprise me if I was alone in this assessment because I am a sucker for a good romantic movie. I saw La La Land in theaters, I cried at Love, Simon, I actually really love Love Actually. And though I do think Star Vs. pulled off relationships better than most, take my opinion with a grain of salt because the build-up itself was a little grating.

17. I have a huge issue with “will-they, won’t-they” stories! It’s the same issue I had with The Office and Friends and The Big Bang Theory and Sailor Moon and That ‘70s Show and every other show that has this dumb trope! Of course they’ll get together because otherwise I wasted several hours of my life wondering about it! Star Vs. isn’t as bad about this as most others but it’s still there and it’s still annoying.

18. It does this better than most because of three main components: it’s relatively short, we get plenty of Star and Marco being all lovey-dovey with each other once they do get together, and they do have genuine chemistry together. They have so much chemistry that Star’s ex literally told Marco that they were clearly into each other. If only they could’ve avoided the trope.

19. Okay, this next point is a little personal but it did effect my feelings towards this show’s finale so I think it’s kind of important that I mention it. Around the time the Star Vs. was ending, I was just entering my first real relationship and around the time I watched this finale, we lasted long enough that we could start taking the relationship a little bit more seriously. Now before anyone says anything: everything’s going great (she actually made me my header) and I am absolutely still in a honeymoon phase with her. But I think you could imagine how a lovesick teen just entering a serious relationship would be effected by this show that ended with lovesick teens so in love that they’d happily sacrifice themselves for the other.

20. I may or may not have also been high while watching this and that may or may not have effected my viewing experience. Don’t be a narc!

21. I love what this last season did with Ludo. Push away the fact that they somehow keep talking Alan Tudyk into these rolls he clearly does need to do and yet still does a great job at it (did you know he was King Candy in Wreck-It Ralph? Why? Why did he do that? Why is he so good in it? This guy’s casting decisions are so weird). The character of Ludo was a generic comic relief villain (see Doofenshmirtz) but was usually fine if only because he made for a good contrast and was way more interesting compared to Toffee (played by Michael C. Hall, another actor who does not need this job). But season four made Ludo a million times more interesting by showing his obsession with the wand exactly what it is: and unhealthy obsession that he needs to get over. And I like where he’s left by the end, clearly still not doing too great but is making strides to get better. As someone who has known many addicts in my life, this hit home a little.

22. Actually, I think a large part of season four was specifically meant to fix the first two mediocre seasons. Just look at my new favorite episode of the series: Britta’s Tacos. In this episode, Star and Marco find themselves back on Earth after a year of being on Mewni and catching up with all of their friends and seeing what’s changed. Watching this episode, I was reminded that as good as the first couple of seasons were, the latter half of the series was a ton better! The characters, character arcs, stories, everything, everything was better once they went up to Mewni. So seeing them go back to Earth and challenging the writers with rewriting their past characters to be more interesting showed just how much the series has improved. Could you imagine characters as uninteresting as those nerds I don’t even remember the names of being introduced in the much more interesting latter seasons? I couldn’t! So I appreciate that they went back and made sure every character in this show was interesting... except for Toffee, he still sucks.

23. And of course, the character that improved the most, hands down was absolutely Jackie Lynn Thomas! She was as bland and boring as a love interest got and that bothered me from the very beginning. How is it that in a show this imaginative and unique they still felt it necessary to use this tired cliche. So bringing her back, the writers had to do something to make her more interesting and it was apparently really easy. All they had to do was keep the character herself basically the same but now she’s a lesbian. And somehow, just adding that one extra layer made her feel so different, so interesting, so complete. I think that’s what it was, she just felt like an incomplete plot point and giving her a girlfriend completely separates herself from being important to the plot and adds that extra layer to make her seem more finished as a character.

24. I’m actually really surprised by this recent trend of LGBTQ+ characters in kids cartoons. You’d think that of all mediums, kids cartoons would be the last to fully integrate a controversial minority but they’ve been some of the first. Steven Universe really started this trend but I feel like The Loud House was the first to show and say it outright. Star Vs. doesn’t do it that well (and I’m willing to bet that was because of higher-ups over at Disney) but I appreciate the sentiment anyways. They never call Jackie and her girlfriend a couple or show them kissing, the most they do is have them hold hands and though I guess that’s enough, I wish they were able to go further. Whatever, I already wrote about why this representation in kids media is important, go read that.

25. For a while, Star was my favorite character in this show. I just have a real soft-spot for upbeat female badasses (and I am very happy this has become more of a trope recently), I think Janna might’ve taken the throne. It’s not that Star stopped being interesting or anything like that, I just really love Janna and her “Jannanigans”. Plus, I do really like the “cute girl who’s into weird shit” trope too. She’s not my favorite version of this trope (see Raven from 2003′s Teen Titans), but she was always a delight whenever she was on screen.

26. Tom is probably the most obvious example of “boring character was made interesting” that the show has. In the beginning, he was the standard bad boy archetype but, over time, was given more personality and started working off the other characters much better. Sure, he and Star worked great with each other as to be expected, but I think the real standout relationship he had was with Marco. I have never seen bromance as strong as what those two have. Their little musical number at Queen Moon’s cornonation turned talent contest might have been the greatest piece of animation ever made (change my mind). And this I know people agree with me, I cannot exaggerate just how much literally everyone I have ever spoken to loves Marco and Tom. It just works so strangely, it has to come off as genuine.

27. I think the series was supposed to go on for another season. I say this because Kelly was too good of a character to waste like they did! She was a great character with tons of personality and amazing chemistry with Marco that was seemingly building up to something... only to drop the ball at the end. She isn’t given much to do, she doesn’t have a final scene with Marco, she isn’t even given a good ending. The most we got was Ponyhead theorizing what her life would be like just to cheer up Star. If that was all they were going to do with Kelly, that’s just a waste of perfectly good build-up.

28. It’s very strange how on the nose these metaphors in the show got at times while still seeming perfect. I guess it had to be on the nose so that the younger audience could catch on to them but I’m not sure what the’ll do with the knowledge that magic=nuclear power. Also, the monsters kind of changed metaphors, originally they were clearly meant to be Native American stand-ins but later on they kind of changed into African American stand-ins. Not that they’re histories (in America) are all that different but it was a noticeable switch. It’s not like Zootopia where any given animal could represent any number of races depending on the scene in question, this was definitely what Star Vs. was going for and I’m not sure if it totally worked. It didn’t NOT work, I guess.

29. I actually don’t like the whole “blowing up the magic” thing. It was something Star made up in a temper tantrum and goes totally against the theme. The whole time, the show was going on about how important integration is and how “separate but equal” doesn’t work and whatnot. So destroying the only way they know how to travel through different dimensions seems contrary to that point. I get that drastic times need drastic measures but I get the feeling that in a theoretical season five, Star and Marco would work to bring back the magic. Or maybe find a more scientific way to travel through dimensions... like some kind of portal gun. We already know this takes place in the same multiverse as Rick And Morty, it’s not that crazy an idea.

30. Another reason I think there was originally going to be another season is because the whole “Mewmans are humans” thing that came right out of nowhere! I mean, it makes total sense and I’m totally down with this plot point but it seems like that would be a much bigger deal than the characters make it out to be. My god, they don’t even let Marco finish explaining this. How the hell did that cave painting get to Earth if they didn’t run into Glossaryck until they got to Mewni! Explanation please!

31. I wish destroying the magic didn’t also mean killing off Glossaryck and Hekapoo. I don’t really care about any of the other characters literally made out of magic, but those two are just so likable and such fan favorites, it’s just a shame to see them go. Though I do really like that they’re reaction to the whole thing seems to just be a mild shrug. I get the idea that since they’ve lived for millennia which would make them more okay with dying. It’s easier to live a full life if you can’t die.

32. I like how Mina’s story ends: defeated and yet still refusing it. Her whole speech about having good ideas really says something, like these issues will never be fully defeated because everyone thinks that they’re right. It’s a bit more of a bittersweet moral than “bad always loses because they’re bad” but is an important lesson that I think kids need to learn. Especially in this political climate. Good god, just end me!

33. Holy shit, I’m up to 33! My Wakfu one only made it up to 25 and I am nowhere close to done yet!

34. A psychotic part of me really wishes the finale had Star and Marco die in each other’s arms in the Magic Dimension. It’d be the ultimate show of love as they’re sacrificing each other for one another and be the ultimate ending. I mean, what more is there to care about after the main two characters are dead? It’d be very bittersweet and much more emotionally taxing on the audience but it’d also be more classic. Like Romeo and Juliet or Bonnie and Clyde, they’re love was just too strong for this world.

35. With that said, that part of me is absolutely wrong! Having their dimensions merge was clearly what the series was building up to with it’s hopeful tone, the power of love being a big theme, the message of integration, and (of course) the promise they made to Meteora and Hispanic Meteora. It seems so obvious in hindsight and yet I still didn’t see it coming, I guess that’s a sign of a really good plot twist.

36. My god, everyone is such a dick to Queen Moon. Like let her be in love you jackasses. I had such a hard time liking anyone who worked against her (which is why I really like that Hekapoo had reservations on both sides the whole time) and this includes Ex-Queen Moon. I really can’t grasp my mind as to why she thought this was a good idea, it clearly wasn’t from the very beginning. Maybe if the show gave her time to explain herself I’d be singing a different tune but she never really does and I have a hard time forgiving her even after her apology.

37. This is just a reminder that Starco is best ship. Repeat, Starco is still best ship.

38. The ending reminds me of Titanic. I mean, two young lovebirds meeting each other, growing closer, and falling in love all the while a looming threat of destruction and death is above them. The epic scale of their problem being brought down to earth by the almost normal love story happening in the midst of it all. Their ever ready willingness to sacrifice everything for each other. Their world forcing them to cling to each other for protection. The grand scale of everything around them making their love seem grander than it would be without it. Yeah, there are more and probably better examples I could turn to for comparison (Romeo And Juliet, Les Miserables, Spartacus) but Titanic was the first one to come to mind and I’m sure my subconsciousness has a good reason for that.

39. I continue to have problems with this finale but I get the sense that I’m nitpicking because this was still an amazing end to a great show. When I think about this ending, the first word that comes to mind is deserves. This is the ending that the story deserves, that the characters (minus Kelly) deserves, that the show itself deserves. It really is a fantastic finale and I’m so grateful that I got to experience it.

40.

#star vs the forces of evil #marco diaz #star butterfly #daron nefcy #disney #disney channel #disney xd #animation #cartoon #finale #season 4 #starco

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sepublic · 5 years

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Metroid Prime Hunters: Spire Ramblings

So if there’s one story thread from Metroid that I’m certain will never be addressed again, that’s poor Spire and the fate of his species, the Diamonts. Considering the hiatus that Metroid’s been through, I can’t see Nintendo putting in the resources to give closure to a fairly minor and forgettable Metroid character, from an admittedly obscure Metroid title, in favor of discussing Sylux, or Samus, or the Galactic Federation. It certainly doesn’t help that Spire’s whole origin story is more of a meta joke to the cancelled Raven Blade than anything else. So, to deal with that, I’ve written my personal idea regarding the ‘truth’ of the Diamonts, and Spire’s origins!

The truth of Spire’s race, the Diamonts? They never existed in the first place.

The story initially started with Biologic Space Labs. The company was hired to perform a secret experiment of dubious ethics for the sake of sociology and other related studies; In this case, simulating an entire society and history of a planet and its supposedly naturally-occurring species.

For the sake of economic reasons, the project, dubbed Ravenblade, initially started with only one synthesized subject- A silicone-based organism named Spire, who would be the basis for the rest of the Diamont species, should the project provide enough encouraging results. Designed from the ground up, Spire’s brain was programmed with false, simulated memories of life on a planet where the Diamonts had existed and established their own culture and society. To simulate this computer society, bits and details were taken from various real-life cultures and peoples, and unknowing science-fiction authors were hired to contribute.

The result was an entirely-fabricated simulation of a planet, with various AI posing as the fellow inhabitants, Spire’s mind freely wandering about in their life. Asleep in their simulation pod, Spire lived out a full virtual life, unaware that their entire reality was all a simulation.

Results seemed worthwhile after years of study, and the BSL researchers prepared to create more Diamonts to inhabit the virtual world with Spire. However, commands from higher-up took an interest in the project’s potential military applications, and so the research was geared towards more warfare-related purposes.

Postponing manufacturing of other Diamonts, the researchers instead set to work modifying their current creation, Spire, into a bioweapon. Spire was equipped with the ability to roll into a spiked ball, as well as given crystalline formations on their body, and an experimental weapon- The Magmaul. The justification for this change in the simulation was flimsy- In Spire’s virtual life, they supposedly developed these mutations specifically because of that- an enigmatic mutation.

Next, the researchers created a war within Spire’s simulated world. The other virtual Diamonts were fighting each other, and Spire was forced to choose a side and participate in combat simulations. To enhance the authenticity, Spire themselves was occasionally awoken in a holographic environment that would mimic the battlefield, and be forced to fight against disguised test drones.

These simulations continued, with Spire showing promise as a powerful warrior. Within Spire’s simulation, they were hailed as a hero by their comrades. However, even after one war ended, another came in the form of simulated invaders, based off of infamous Space Pirate species and the Kriken. These fake battles continued, with Spire occasionally noticing the slightest glitch, but never suspecting a thing.

Each time, Spire’s ‘species’ successfully fought off the token invading species of the day. The simulation was currently in a period of peace and reparation when Project Ravenblade was suddenly shut down.

Evidently, the higher-ups weren’t satisfied with the results, and had decided to cut funding. The project was cancelled, and Spire’s last virtual memory was of themselves falling asleep under a cliff before the simulation was turned off.

The unconscious Spire was preserved in a pod, and equipment for the cancelled project was repurposed and transferred. The now-obsolete Spire was placed into a warehouse for potential future usage, and remained there for years.

Eventually, an economic recession occurred, and Biologic Space Lab’s stocks dropped. Hoping to make some quick money, an employee violated company protocols and snuck Spire’s pod out of the warehouse, selling Spire to the black market. To drum up the price, the employee made up a story of how Spire was the last of their race, the Diamonts, which mysteriously disappeared alongside their planet.

Regardless of how much the price was altered because of the story, it was at least believed. Spire was bought and kept in storage, before trading through a long network of hands, the story of their enigmatic race’s disappearance travelling alongside with them between owners.

Spire finally awoke when a malfunction in their pod’s systems occurred. Spire broke free, finding themselves in a strange alien transport taking them to a buyer who hoped to sell them off to a being known as the Collector. Dazed and scared, Spire steeled themselves and attacked the crew, demanding to know where they were, who these people were, and what had happened.

Fearful for their lives, the crew of the transport explained to Spire the false story of the Diamonts and their disappearance. Shocked and afraid for their species, Spire forced the knowledge of who had sold them, and tracked that person down, as well as the person they bought Spire from, and so forth. Spire hoped that by tracking down the trail, they could find out what had happened.

Alas, the trail went cold. Desperate, Spire searched for their home planet, typing in the coordinates only to find empty space when they arrived. With their whole world shattered beneath their feet, Spire was forced to adjust to living as a vagabond within Galactic Federation space before making a living as a bounty hunter. Using their military training and powerful abilities, Spire became determined to find the answer to what happened to their people.

#metroid #metroid prime hunters #metroid spire #metroid diamonts #galactic federation #bsl

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stevenuniversallyreviews · 6 years

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Episode 65: Onion Friend

“Good things the kids are keeping themselves busy.”

It’s been exactly fifty episodes since Onion Trade, and it’ll be another forty-five until Onion Gang. Awfulness of the latter episode aside, this seems like pretty good pacing for a character as beautifully bizarre as Onion to get the spotlight.

Steven is largely kept out of the Gems' story throughout the Week of Sardonyx, and that’s never made more explicit than in his romp with Onion. Amethyst’s voice during dinner is drowned out by Steven’s fascination and revulsion with Beach City’s weirdest weirdo, and the episode revolves around Steven putting up with him for Amethyst’s sake. We don’t even see Pearl or Garnet, but we don’t have to: Onion Trade is all about Steven’s separation from the grown-up’s table.

Let’s start with his story before we get into the meat of the Week of Sardonyx implications. His main function, as per usual when he’s paired with Onion, is to serve as the straight man. In true sequel fashion, Onion’s absurd creepiness from Onion Trade gets ramped up: right off the bat he’s hiding in Steven’s cupboard to steal his food (as the latter narrates his own actions to nobody, because this is a silly episode from the start). Even if we learn he didn’t paint them, it’s honestly not even surprising to find portraits of Amethyst in his garage, because it’s hard to be surprised by anything he does.

After a relatively tame dinner scene—Onion is probably too old to be messing with his food, even if his age is hard to pin down, but this is still normal kid behavior to an extent—we reach the nightmare that is his room. We still get a nice blend of regular weird and creepy weird, aided by Zach Callison’s fantastic portrayal of bewilderment. He’s just so confused about Onion bounding on his bed instead of a trampoline, and even if this is hardly the strangest thing about this environment, I love that Steven’s still upset by it.

But like Charlie Brown with the football, Steven keeps up hope. He somehow sees no reason to be suspicious about Onion’s mouse or video tape, which makes their inevitable twists hilarious and super gross. So of course, when he finally decides enough is enough (featuring Callison’s best-ever use of the word “okay”), Onion decides to perform his first unambiguously kind action. Does he do it just to subvert Steven’s expectations? Or does he also consider sharing his snake and birth video “kind”? Even if he could talk beyond Callison mumbling, I doubt we’d ever know. But throwing a wrench into his actions by giving him a moment of true friendship is a great way to keep Onion unpredictable.

While it lacks the narrative oomph of Garnet being revealed as a fusion in Jailbreak, this episode gives a similar sense of satisfaction as all the implications about Clan Onion are confirmed. At first, the only hint that he and Sour Cream are related is the pun we get when combining their names, but more clues start piling up as we start to get a sense of their family. We know the unnamed fisherman who speaks gibberish is Onion’s dad from Onion Trade. We learn in Joy Ride that Sour Cream’s stepdad is a fisherman who speaks gibberish. We meet Vidalia (a type of onion) with Marty (who looks an awful lot like Sour Cream) suspiciously leaving Greg’s van in Story for Steven’s flashback. With this knowledge, we can shape an image of a family featuring Vidalia and the fisherman as parents and Sour Cream and Onion as half-siblings, but it’s never stated outright until Onion Friend. It’s not really a twist, as all the information (save the fisherman’s name, which we learn here is Yellowtail) was already there, but it still allows for that gleeful “I knew it!” moment.

Vidalia is the fifth mother we’ve met on Steven Universe, but only the second we’ve seen interact with her child-aged child (Nanefua’s kid is a grown man, Rose is only accessible by videotape, and Barb was on the job). Vidalia is the polar opposite of Dr. Maheswaran: a chill artist with free range kids and a shotgun in the house. We don’t even know her last name, just as we don’t know Dr. Maheswaran’s first name (although Ian Jones-Quartey says it’s Priyanka). They both love their kids, but where one expresses it through strict control, the other does so with wild freedom.

While neither style is strictly superior—compare and contrast Onion and Connie on your own time—I’m thrilled that the show’s desire to portray different types of mothers extends beyond the Crystal Gems. “Moms are people too” is a refreshing stance to take in a medium where mothers are often the portrayed as the most grounded (read: boring) member of the family.

One thing I find fascinating is that both of these mothers are voiced by women who have worked extensively behind the scenes in animation beyond voice acting. Mary Elizabeth McGlynn (who also played Major Motoko in Ghost in the Shell) is a veteran anime voice director, starting with a bang with the legendary English dub of Cowboy Bebop. And Jackie Buscarino (who also played Pacifica Northwest in Gravity Falls) worked her way from production assistant on shows like Spongebob Squarepants and Dexter’s Laboratory to full producer on shows like…well, like Steven Universe.

There’s nothing wrong with actors who are just actors, but even if it’s just a coincidence, I love that some part of the casting crew went for known industry multitaskers to play family matriarchs. Because yeah, no disrespect to Yellowtail and Doug, but Vidalia and Dr. Maheswaran are obviously running their respective houses.

(If Buscarino wasn’t so great at portraying Vidalia, I would’ve killed to have Wendy Hoopes in the role, because I’m pretty sure Vidalia is who Jane Lane grows up to be.)

As important as it is to see Vidalia as a mom, this episode is also about seeing parents as people outside of that context, which is why Onion and Steven are shooed out for Amethyst and Vidalia to talk. There’s a risk in making an episode about Amethyst talking about her troubles that features only a moment of eavesdropping, but this is another benefit of the Week of Sardonyx’s structure. We know why Amethyst is upset. We hear just enough to know how she’s dealing with it, and how valuable Vidalia’s friendship is. And we know how freaked out Steven is by Onion, making his quiet decision to return to his room surprisingly touching. Surprising not because it’s in any way out of character for him, but because this is otherwise a really goofy episode.

Subtlety is also used to shed a new light on Amethyst’s backstory. She’s always been the Gem most interested in humans (outside of Rose), attracted to human things like food and stuff and pop culture. She uses human slang and wrestles with humans and has that sisterly bond with Steven that makes the two feel like close peers instead of a parent and child. While we know she was fascinated with Greg and hung out with him alone, it’s awesome to see more of how he indirectly affected her forays into the human world.

There’s no indication from the two seconds we get of Vidalia in Story for Steven that she and Amethyst would be best buds, but they’re both punky and rebellious and we see so much of how they would’ve gotten along in their photo montage. Vidalia styles Amethyst’s hair to look like Rose’s. Amethyst morphs into Marty so they can make fun of him. It’s kind of amazing how quickly we’re able to accept that these two utterly nonintersecting characters have a history that informs Amethyst’s behavior to this day.

We sadly don’t see much of these two hanging out after this, but we don’t see Purple Puma and Tiger Millionaire wrestling between Tiger Millionaire and Tiger Philanthropist either, and are led to believe they’ve been regularly fighting the entire time. In that sense, I’ll just assume these two are getting into all sorts of trouble when Steven’s not around. Slippers included.

Future Vision!

This is our first look at Sour Cream’s weird backstory with the Crystal Gems, as Amethyst remembers hanging out with him as a baby. We’ll see more in Greg the Babysitter, but Sour Cream has a unexpectedly major role in Steven’s existence and it’s cool to see that referenced so early.

We’re the one, we’re the ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

Despite the angst behind the scenes, Onion Friend is at its core a comedy showcase. It’s a little too forgettable compared to more well-rounded outings, and not quite funny enough to sit with the bigger comedies, but I’m still a big fan.

Top Fifteen

Steven and the Stevens

Mirror Gem

Lion 3: Straight to Video

Alone Together

The Return

Jailbreak

Sworn to the Sword

Rose’s Scabbard

Coach Steven

Giant Woman

Winter Forecast

Chille Tid

Keeping It Together

On the Run

Warp Tour

Love ‘em

Laser Light Cannon

Bubble Buddies

Tiger Millionaire

Lion 2: The Movie

Rose’s Room

An Indirect Kiss

Ocean Gem

Space Race

Garnet’s Universe

The Test

Future Vision

Maximum Capacity

Marble Madness

Political Power

Full Disclosure

Joy Ride

We Need to Talk

Cry for Help

Keystone Motel

Like ‘em

Gem Glow

Frybo

Arcade Mania

So Many Birthdays

Lars and the Cool Kids

Onion Trade

Steven the Sword Fighter

Beach Party

Monster Buddies

Keep Beach City Weird

Watermelon Steven

The Message

Open Book

Story for Steven

Shirt Club

Love Letters

Reformed

Rising Tides, Crashing Tides

Onion Friend

Enh

Cheeseburger Backpack

Together Breakfast

Cat Fingers

Serious Steven

Steven’s Lion

Joking Victim

Secret Team

Say Uncle

No Thanks!

4. Horror Club 3. Fusion Cuisine 2. House Guest 1. Island Adventure

#onion friend #steven universe #su #steven universally #review

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aion-rsa · 5 years

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Who is She-Hulk? A Guide to Marvel's Next TV Star

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Avengers: Endgame gave us a Hulk in the laboratory. Now Disney+ will be giving us a She-Hulk in the courtroom.

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One of the better parts of Avengers: Endgame was the fact that Professor Hulk was a viable character, able to exist in normal scenes without sticking out like a sore thumb. Once they had that tech figured out, it was only a matter of time before She-Hulk became part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. And now, here we are, with the announcement of She-Hulk getting her own Disney+ show!

She-Hulk is high on the list of “top Marvel characters to not yet show up in the MCU,” especially now that both the X-Men and Fantastic Four are inevitable arrivals. Since her introduction in 1980, she’s been a major fixture in Marvel and a fresh enough take on an existing property that she rarely feels redundant when standing next to her brutish cousin.

So who is She-Hulk? Let’s take a look ...

THE ORIGINAL SERIES

The funny thing about She-Hulk’s creation was that she was made for the sake of legal strategy. The Lou Ferrigno Incredible Hulk TV show was a massive hit and Marvel came to a dire realization. Since it was an easy trope to give a popular male character a female counterpart (ie. the Bionic Woman), there was strong potential that the TV show would introduce a female version of the Hulk. But if that happened then the character would belong to the TV show! It’s like why Skeeter from Muppet Babies never shows up in actual Muppets stuff.

So Stan Lee went, “John Buscema! Get over here! We’re making a She-Hulk comic!” Then he let David Anthony Kraft and Mike Vosburg take care of the rest of the 25-issue run.

Funny enough, with Savage She-Hulk #1 existing to counter the TV show, the very first narration box even calls attention to the show via making a joke about whether Banner’s first name is David or Bruce.

read more - Eternals: Who is Marvel's Black Knight?

Jennifer Walters starts out as a mild-mannered lawyer until the day her cousin Bruce Banner shows up because he needs someone to confide in about his whole Hulk situation. They’re hanging out for a good 10 minutes before a criminal involved in one of Jen’s cases shows up and shoots her. In order to save Jen, Bruce MacGyvers together a blood transfusion and then splits. Jen soon discovers that she can transform into a giant, jacked, green woman, and so we have She-Hulk.

It’s your usual Bronze Age fare after that. She does double-life hero stuff because She-Hulk gets blamed for tragedies. The supporting cast is boring. The villains are forgettable (outside of a half-man/half-elephant).

Somewhere, it’s established that Hulk isn’t a rage monster simply because of the gamma radiation, but because Banner spent so much of his life holding down his anger. She-Hulk plays on that by showing that instead of being driven by fury, her second form is based on Jen’s lack of confidence. She-Hulk is strong in all the ways Jen Walters could never bring herself to be.

THE FANTASTIC HULK

With her series done, She-Hulk went on to become a member of the Avengers. She remained a regular part of the team up until Brian Michael Bendis’ mid-00s reinvention of the team. What’s interesting is that she was actually part of two major teams at the same time for a period.

read more: The History of Moon Knight

Unfortunately, the second half of the series doesn’t work out as well. Mainly because Dan Slott goes into full “continuity cop” mode and has to bring any changes to the status quo from other Marvel writers back to earth, including his own interesting developments. Like there was an X-Men story where She-Hulk and Juggernaut had a brief fling. Rather than ignore or build on that, there’s a whole reveal that it was a She-Hulk from another dimension who did the deed with the unstoppable one.

Peter David took over writing duties after Slott left and while it didn’t last long, it wasn’t half bad.

SHE-HULKAMANIA

There was a time when there were SO MANY Hulk-based characters running around at the same time. Rick Jones (A-Bomb), General Ross (Red Hulk), Betty Ross (Red She-Hulk), Hulk’s barbarian space son (Skaar), Hulk’s alternate future daughter (Lyra), and not to mention all of Hulk’s space gladiator buddies who had settled on Earth. Jen was...there.

Even though she didn’t leave much of a lasting impression, Lyra starred in her own miniseries, All-New Savage She-Hulk, and Jen acted as a mentor and a supporting character. So Lyra’s deal? Okay, deep breath.

read more: Complete Schedule of Upcoming MCU Phase 4 Marvel Movies

In an alternate future, men and women are barbarians going through a literal gender war. The amazon warrior Thundra has had a few run-ins with the Hulk via time-travel and decided to make the strongest warrior ever via getting impregnated by him. In a non-sexual way. Really. As a teenager, Lyra the She-Hulk was ostracized by her peers for being partially created by a dude, but she could kick ass and that was what was important. She went back to the present to sleep with and/or kill Norman Osborn and hooked up with Jen along the way.

Anyway, Lyra’s deal is that anger is her weakness. If she gets mad, she gets weaker.

SHAKEN FOUNDATION

So Jonathan Hickman wrote Fantastic Four and FF (Future Foundation) concurrently and brought huge interest into that side of Marvel for a bit. A couple years later, Hickman wrote the 2015 version of Secret Wars, which was partially Marvel’s way of getting rid of Fantastic Four/FF for a while because of movie rights bullshit. In the in-between, Matt Fraction wrote the two titles.

His Fantastic Four was more or less forgettable, except for a scene where a rightfully pissed Human Torch ranted at Reed and Sue for constantly patronizing him. God, that part was so good.

read more - The Falcon and the Winter Soldier: Who is John Walker?

FF was something very different. Fraction teamed with Mike Allred and had a team of She-Hulk, Ant-Man, Medusa, and a pop-star named Darla who was wearing a robot Thing costume. The whole thing was easily the better series of the two, was quirky beyond belief, and only now do I realize that her show needs a group of super-smart underground mole creatures announcing that they must protect “The Jen” at all costs.

LAWYERS WRITING LAWYERS

There was a time when Charles Soule wrote like 99% of comics. He might be writing this article for all I know. I’ll have to check the byline later to be sure it’s me. Not only is Soule incredibly prolific, but he’s also a practicing lawyer. Kind of the perfect choice for She-Hulk, right?

Javier Pulido is on art and it’s something you either love or hate. He has some really cool layouts, but Jen’s wonky eyes might take you out of the book too often.

Anyway, it’s more emphasis on She-Hulk’s lawyer stuff, including a courtroom showdown with fellow super-lawyer Daredevil. As much of a main event as that is, the highlight to me is She-Hulk’s time assisting Kristoff, Dr. Doom’s adopted son who is so casual about the utter weirdness of his father’s machinations.

THE FAMILY BANNER

You know how I have been gushing about all the fun runs with She-Hulk? Lately, she’s been...not so sunny. The story Civil War II happened, which not only started with She-Hulk getting beaten within an inch of her life by Thanos, but later on, Hawkeye killed Bruce Banner. Don’t worry, Bruce got better thanks to very bizarre comic book reasons, but for a time, Jen had to deal with some nasty trauma.

It was here that they brought back a concept from the early 90s run: She-Hulk has a gray form that makes her rage-driven and more like Bruce. Her new series was titled Hulk because of her daily struggle with not turning into the beast and ruining everything. Mariko Tamaki’s run on the book is tense and takes its time getting to the monster at the end of the book, but is still not as dark as the pitch would initially have you believe. It’s not about living with trauma, but living through trauma and finding the light at the end of the tunnel.

It’s fine for what it is, but I’m hoping it’s not the tone of the Disney+ show. At least MCU Thanos isn’t around to clobber her.

Gavin Jasper writes for Den of Geek and wonders if Tim Blake Nelson will finally return for the She-Hulk show. Read more of his articles here and follow him on Twitter @Gavin4L

Read and download the Den of Geek SDCC 2019 Special Edition Magazine right here!

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Gavin Jasper

Aug 28, 2019

Marvel

Disney+

She-Hulk

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#aion-rsa #Books

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flaming-mindsplosion · 7 years

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Ripping on Tucker

So it’s time to talk about Tucker, who I hate. Tucker for me is the worst part of Danny Phantom, because he’s the only part that’s unsalvageable. Every other bad element of this show can be repaired or improved or framed in a way that makes it successful while remaining recognizable. Tucker not so much.

So lets start talking about him from a character angle. Tucker is the comedic best friend and hacker of the team who tends to go power mad every time he gets the leg up on somebody and has a deep love of meat. That’s pretty much it for him. Tucker is a bit of a shallow character in terms of depth. With the exception of the popular kids he might be the most two dimensional member of the cast. In a lot of ways tucker is more an amalgamation of traits unrelated than a fully formed character. His definitive love of meat exists only to counter Sams vegetarianism. His comedy is mostly situational rather than character centric leading it to seem less genuine and more forgettable than we find in Sam and Danny, giving him the appearance of being more functionally funny for the sake of the show rather than being genuinely amusing. His friendship with Danny exists and we are constantly told how close they are, but the pair get few quality scenes and little real development the way we see with Sam and Danny. He’s a hacker and computer nut, but the constant contrivances to keep this element of his character used makes it seem less like he’s contributing to the group and more like the writers are struggling to shoehorn in opportunities for Tucker to be relevant. In terms of being a character, Tuckers biggest problem isn’t that he comes across as a forced ill defined third party member, it’s that everything that defines him could go to someone else. Danny could have had Tuckers love of meat. Sam could have been a hacker cybergoth (she’d have loved the ascetic). Because Tuckers jokes are never rooted in his character, every funny thing he says could be said by another character. Sam is already a better best friend than Tucker. Tucker is a completely removable element from the show.

Tucker doesn’t look any better from a narrative angle either. See Tucker falls into the same sort of character role that we see in countless other fictional best friends. Characters like Jimmy Olsen, Ron Weasley, and John Watson all exist in the same role as Tucker Foley. They are all the best friend that keeps the world and the lead character grounded by maintaining a realistic little man point of view amid all the fantasy. Tucker would be great for that if not for three things; he never takes things seriously enough to act as a grounding agent, Tucker is always the one that needs to be grounded instead of Danny, and Sam already fills this role perfectly. At the end of the day, Tucker is redundant and I have to wonder why he was included at all. There’s the obvious Robin principal were if Danny is off doing something Sam would need someone to talk to, but that’s a reason to include a third character rather than a reason for this third character.

So how do you fix Tucker? With how few characteristics he has, it’s hard to adjust him into something effective, worth including, and recognizable as Tucker. One option is to play up the fact that Tucker is something Danny has to keep fixing. Transform him into a sort of Patrick Star or Gilligan type character. This is incredibly risky and more often than not this character type becomes infuriating to the audience before it becomes rewarding. That’s not saying it can’t be done well. Soos of Gravity Falls is an amazing example of this trope going over well. Still I’m not sure it’s the best option. Personally my move would be replacing Tucker with Dash. The popular jock would give us a viewpoint on the world radically different from Danny or Sams. His physical power is something we don’t currently have on the ground team. His character is a stereotype but it’s well defined and lends itself to some worthwhile character based humor and unique personal dynamics with the other main cast members. His potential to grow and develop his own character arch is instantly apparent. You could even make him black without anything being lost in his character so the groups racial diversity isn’t thrown off. Dash really is a perfect solution to the Tucker problem

The reason I write these is because I love this show. I see such an incredible potential in Danny Phantom to change children’s television, but the show is constantly held back by amateurish creative decisions. Elements like Tucker don’t add anything to the world and don’t open enough opportunities for story telling to justify the time taken from other characters for him to be included. At the end of the day, Tucker is just a careless costly addition to a show that will always be better than him.

#Danny Phantom #tucker foley #It's like if the movie ron weasly was black and a nerd #praise the sun 2000's hackers are gone

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panpanpanini · 6 years

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Thoughts on MLP The Movie: Unpopular Opinion Edition

(I made a small post about this a few weeks ago, closer to when the movie premiered, but now that the hype has kind of fizzled out I thought I’d take the time to fuss more in-depth.)

So... I really thought the MLP movie was bad. Terrible. I had sooo many problems with it, so where do I start?

Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD!!

My two biggest complaints are:

1) The movie didn’t hold up in terms of quality-- nevermind MLP expectations, it was just a bad movie in general.

2) Target demographic was noticeably shifted (downwards), especially when compared to the show.

Let me start by saying I’m not at all notorious even among friends for being this grouchy, self-elevated, overreaching entertainment critic/analyst. I can enjoy most things at face value, ie. MLP. I despise fanaticism (not fandom, fanaticism), and I’m long past the mindset that if I like something, I have to be blindly uncritical of it.

Please also note that I have not read the movie prequels or supporting media, and I went into this movie with only limited knowledge of those materials.

*deep breath*

(1) So, starting from the top: “It was just a bad movie in general.”

Visually, the movie barely held up for me. Anyone who’s even had a basic flash animation class knows about this thing called ‘motion tweening:’ it’s an optimized process for creating movement, with which you can set a path for objects to move and deform as opposed to painstakingly animating each frame one by one. It’s a much quicker process, but the (immediate) result often looks way more mechanical than its traditional counterpart and can often come off as... soulless, or even lazy. It was unbelievably easy to notice this throughout the movie and it was a huge distraction for me.

You can more easily see what I’m talking about here.

As a side note, I was never really on board with the ToonBoom style from the get-go; I eventually got used to it, but I was never able to totally immerse myself in it-- the whole tweening thing just cemented my dislike for it.

Continuing my comments on style, the new character designs were interesting, but... so many of them felt too disconnected from established MLP universe conventions. In fact, the only ones I could only get on board with were the hippogriffs (with a preference towards their seapony forms). My biggest problem with them has to lay in the fact that nearly all of the new characters-- background and supporting-- were bipedal, when in-show nearly every new race introduced has been on all fours like our titular ponies... and to add insult to injury, so many of them had hands! Their designs just felt too distant for me to connect that they live in the same world as our pony heroes.

Note: I realize most of these creatures inhabit lands self-defined by Celestia to be ‘beyond Equestria,’ but that doesn’t dismiss that they still felt like they belonged in a movie not prefaced with ponies.

(Tempest is a little different. She was visually darker than most ponies than we’re used to seeing, and to the surprise of nobody the poster child for edgy pony OCs, complete with the perfect voice. Unfortunately, her intimidating demeanor was sometimes too much for me, as it’s much more *effectively* threatening than what we’re used to seeing in-show-- the closest being the Shadow Pony in the S7 finale.)

On a more positive note, I really enjoyed the new environments. Just the fact that we had new locations to begin with was endearing already, but unlike a lot of the other stuff (see above) they were on par with what I was expecting from MLP on the big screen. I seriously think the environments had more character/place in the MLP universe than most of the (we’ll call them NPCs) NPCs that occupied them.

Speaking of character, I can forego most of what I’ve talked about above in lieu of a good story (spoilers: the story wasn’t even all that fresh, it was predictable and full of classic kid’s movies tropes). What I can’t ignore is blatant out-of-character writing.

“But Salt Mom, if you hate out-of-character writing, why are you still watching the show post-season five?” -Most Starlight Glimmer Opposition

As I mentioned at the start, I still enjoy the show at face value. We’re seven seasons in; our beloved ponies have seen some noticeable character development over the years, which is what some people (perhaps those ruled by nostalgia for the earlier feel of the show) like to label ‘out-of-character writing.’ But the changes are justified by their development, which is why I don’t see it that way. The movie, however, seems to completely forego character development and reduces them to (at times, vapid) caricatures of themselves and the out of character writing is now completely obvious to someone like me who doesn’t typically enjoy ponies through heavy analysis.

Pinkie was by far the most glaring. Pinkie is already one of my least favorite ponies, so maybe I’m biased here, but she was for the most part written as comic relief. She wasn’t a pony Grubber-- she did play the part of ‘voice of reason’ in the climax with Twilight-- but she had an irritating tendency to completely downplay the seriousness of their situation, as they all did (she was just the most obvious, second being tied between Dash and Rarity). Since when have they all been so naive? Except for Twilight, all our heroes had minimal speaking roles (and even more damning, speaking roles with substance), most notably Fluttershy.

Other problems included the princesses (once again) being victims of weak writing-- they’ve been proven to be capable of putting up more of a fight than we were shown, jeez!-- for the sake of putting the Mane 6 in the spotlight, probably something some people would call ‘forced progression’ (related: bad pacing).

... Which leads into the movie’s general issue with logic.

OH BOY. I had so many issues with the movie logic. As mentioned before... the ponies’ general naivety, their blatant disregard for the grim nature of their situation... Capper betrays them, doesn’t explain his reasons, doesn’t get a proper chance to apologize, and our ponies are totally cool with him by the falling action sequence of the movie? Celaeno’s crew (and similarly, the seaponies) is swayed into changing allegiances with a simple, three-minute song? The Mane 6 add six or so characters to their posse and suddenly it’s possible to take back Canterlot, after being overwhelmed so easily in the beginning, when the princesses weren’t yet turned to stone? Really? How could Tempest-- a pony who comes off as smarter than the rest-- be so desperate to have her horn back that she couldn’t foresee the Storm King’s betrayal?

*angry flailing motions*

In summary: the animation was mechanical, character designs suffered from a serious disconnect with established MLP canon, and everything from logic to pacing to character behavior suffered from bad, trope-y writing.

---

(2) “The movie demographic was shifted noticeably.”

(A lot of what I’ve addressed above can also be applied to this section of grievances.)

Very few times have I watched anything in general and walked away feeling like a real dumbass. This was one of those times. Everything from the humor, the songs, the logic (see above)... it all came together to make me feel dumbed down and like a huge moron for even buying a ticket. Overall, it was extremely apparent to me that they’d knocked the target demographic down a few years, and that the movie was made with younger kids-- rather than families as a whole-- in mind.

The brand of ‘humor’ (I use that term loosely) employed by the movie has to be the cringiest one in the book. It was clear that it was the most vanilla one they could have gotten away with and I found myself rolling my eyes a lot because honestly, none of it was funny at all. Grubber was purely on the screen for comic relief (we literally don’t see him again after the finale); Pinkie’s naivety was obviously supposed to be funny, as were Rarity’s trademark dramaticisms-- They got close sometimes to pulling a laugh, but then it just... fell short and wound up feeling more pathetic and forced than anything. Was it even humorous to the kids?

I laughed literally once during the entire movie, and that was at a very transparent marketing joke (perhaps not deliberate) made towards the beginning, after the Mane 6 fall from Canterlot and band together to decide how to proceed. They end up saying something to the effect of “hungry, hungry, hippos” as they’re brainstorming and I chuckled because... Hungry Hungry Hippos is also a Hasbro property.

I thought I might be able to find solace in some of the songs-- I’d heard SIA’s contribution in the days leading up to the movie and thoughts it was a decent tune-- but alas... They turned out to be completely vapid, with the sole exception of Tempest’s song. Compared to the extensive library of songs we’ve gotten in the show, the lyrics and melodies we got in the movie were neither clever nor catchy (I recall thinking that rhyming schemes were nearly non-existent) and I found myself waiting with bated breath until they were over. “Time to be awesome?” Blegh. Completely forgettable.

IDK. Maybe I need to see the movie again to confirm my position with it; after all, I had already decided I didn’t really like it before the end of the first act. For the better part of a year I couldn’t get away from the hype surrounding MLP The Movie, but when I finally saw it it didn’t deliver on the same level and ended up being a huge let-down. It was lacking in a lot of things standard to its TV-counterpart, including what makes the in-show universe so appealing (lore, memorable songs, and magic), and if they end up putting out a sequel I hope it can bounce back in the same way EQG2 built on the shortcomings of its predecessor.

That’s all I’ve got. If you’ve managed to get this far, thanks for reading. ✌

(Bonus) Things I would have liked to see: an entire pirate fleet (instead of a single crew); more Capper and time spent in Klugetown; more Storm King and the land he comes from; the hippogriffs actually doing something (isn’t Queen Novo supposed to be friends with Celestia?) to contribute to the finale, even if it was them swooping in just before the final fight.

#mlp #mlp the movie #thoughts #unpopular opinion #review

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viralhottopics · 7 years

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A Definitive Ranking Of 2000s Rom Coms

Although people who peaked in high school like to act poetic about how great the 2000s were, they werent actually any better than the present day. I mean, it was a time when Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake wore matching denim outfits in public and nobody carted them off to an insane asylum.

But Im prepared to make a concession on two points: 1) At least we werent under the administration of a sentient slime mold wearing a bad wig. 2) The 2000s were a golden age for romantic comedies, mostly thanks to Judy Greers tireless efforts to play every heroines best friend. Plus, only like half the jokes were sexist, and there was about an 80% chance pre-pretentious Matthew McConaughey would show up.

Obviously, a betch has to be picky about her rom-comssome are shitty in a good way, but others are best avoided in case someone catches you watching them. To guide your Netflix viewings, here’s a totally objective list of 00s rom coms. If you disagree, which Im sure everyone will, please note that Im not actually forcing you to watch these movies; Im just saying that if you regularly watch any of the bottom five, you have terrible taste.

14.

is considered a modern classic by two groups of people. 1) men in their late 20s with a crush on Natalie Portman and a thriving quarter-life crisis and 2) 8th graders in 2004 under the assumption that any movie that features a Shins track in its soundtrack is automatically deep. To everyone else, its a film about self-absorbed white people whining about their lives until theyre magically fixed by the power of mixtapes. There are approximately a zillion issues with this film, beginning with Zach Braffs complete lack of expression and ending with the fact that you cant cure real depression by listening to The Shins, no matter how clearly superior the soundtrack is to anything else in this film. Worst of all, though, is the fact that Natalie Portman played a manic pixie dream girl so obnoxious I still dream about strangling her character sometimes. Padme deserves so much better.

13.

Im not saying romantic comedies have to make much sense, but s plot is mystifying. Matthew McConaugheys parents are tired of him living at home, so they call in a lady high class escort (Sarah Jessica Parker) whose job is literally seducing men into moving out of their parents basements and unceremoniously dumping them. Because that’s plausible, and not at all fucked up to force your son to fall in love with someone you’re paying. Ridiculous premise aside, you know a movie is terrible when famed nicegirl Zooey Deschanel is the best thing about it.

12. Monster-in-Law

In case you missed this one, and for your sake I hope you did, is about Jane Fonda inexplicably being terrible to Jennifer Lopez, who walks a lot of dogs and is engaged to Fondas son. That right there should tell you all you need to knowI cannot think of one movie that JLo was in that was anything above mild torture, and we’re supposed to root for her character why, exactly? If my son was engaged to a full-time dog walker you can best believe I’d do everything short of actual murder to put a stop to that bullshit.

11.

Im told some people love this movie, but Jesus fucking Christ, is it possible for the two main characters to be any more appalling? Here you have two assholes manipulating the shit out of each other and just generally acting psychotic, all to win a stupid bet with their friends. They really should call it “How To Act Like A Psychopath And Lose Your Dignity.”

10.

Not gonna lie, I fucking adored when I was an impressionable preteen. It had time travel! Mark Ruffalo! A makeover scene! Years later, the movie is still fun to watch, even if it is way too obsessed with the 80s, but the jokes are more cute than funny. Also, why would anyone allow their 13-year-old child to go to a sleepover hosted by a 30-year-old? That is … questionable to say the least. Not to mention Jennifer Garner’s character does a reverse transformation from a betch into a nicegirl and dumps her hot pro bf in favor of her formerly fat friend. Blah blah, true love, I don’t give a fuck. Tenth.

is close to being wrapped in cutesy narration, but it’s far superior. For one thing, it reintroduced the world to Joseph Gordon-Levitts dimples. For another, it manages to be a fairly realistic depiction of a shitty millennial relationship without being super fucking depressing. But thats also kind of the problemrom coms arent supposed to be realistic, theyre supposed to be clich and feel-good, and I don’t care what you say, Summer is a thot. I have literally stayed up at night mapping how she could have possibly met someone worthy of engagement a mere 118 days after she broke up with Tom, and only six days after attending a wedding as his guest (yes I did the mathI told you; this movie keeps me up at night). No matter how you slice it, she had to have cheated on somebody.

Full disclosure: As a Southern betch, Im stoked that takes place right next door. (Dear Hollywood: An entire country exists between New York and LA.) But even though it features Patrick Dempsey as the other man, Josh Lucas with a dreamy Southern accent, and Reese Witherspoon, there are still some issues. Mainly, WTF WERE YOU THINKING, MELANIE? Did you really dump your future president fianc for your secret redneck husband just so “the first boy you kissed could also be your last”? I’ve heard of trying to keep your number down, but damn if this isn’t some delusional shit.

Everyone on planet Earth can relate to having a batshit crazy family, and thats exactly what makes appealing. The two leads are fine, considering they’re not Kate Hudson or Matthew McConaughey, but the extended family is everyones favorite part of the movie. Honestly the most memorable moment to come out of this movie is the “put some Windex on it”pretty good deal for Windex, not so much for the people who actually starred in the movie. However, it does get points for the memorable line: “The man may be the head of the household, but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she pleases.”

The plot is pretty flimsy (a Canadian businesswoman has to marry her assistant to avoid deportation) but everyone loves a story where the couple starts out hating each other and eventually falls in love. The cast is what makes this movie pure rom com gold: Sandra Bullock, Ryan Reynolds, and Betty fucking White, who gifted us with the infamous Native American dance scene. Basically, it’s predictable but ridiculous, making it better than some of the other garbage movies on this list.

Admittedly, is probably to blame for some of the chubby man-child/beautiful, svelte woman couplings we see in the media that give men unrealistic beauty expectations (of the types of women they can expect to date), otherwise known as The Beyonc/Jay Z Phenomenon. But whatevs. Its a good movie. Seth Rogen has that whole dad bod thing going onapparently a thing some people are intoand Katherine Heigl was at the top of her rom com game before she pissed off the entire cast of .is actually hilarious, which is enough to make up for the fact that Katherine Heigl appears in it.

Even aside from my undeniable crush on youthful Sandra Bullock, is a quintessential early-2000s romantic comedy. Allow me to explain. 1) It stars an ambitious career woman who dont need no man. 2) But she kind of wants one anyway, and everyone realizes what a catch she is when she puts on lipstick and a dress. 3) Did I mention its plot is literally an extended makeover scene as Bullock goes from bad ass FBI agent to bad ass beauty pageant contestant? I rest my case. Add in some cute female friendships and a scene in which Bullock teaches us how to fend off an attacker, and its basically required viewing every year.

You had to know was going to make the list despite this amazing take-down article of why it’s actually terrible. With approximately a bajillion storylines going on, its hard not to find one you like and get invested, and it doesnt hurt that the film features every well-known British actor under the sun. Im not sure how the movie manages to juggle all the different plots without being confusing and/or boring, but Im not gonna question it. However, this shit is TOO FUCKING LONG. If I have to pop an Adderall just to make it through a damn movie (which I do), you need to send your editors back to the drawing board.

is the perfect example of a rom com thats super clich in theory, but in practice, its so fucking heartwarming it doesnt even matter (ugh). Katherine Heigl plays ultimate nicegirl Jane (in case the fact that her name is “Jane” wasn’t enough of a clue), whos been part of 27 weddings and miraculously hasnt gone broke from buying all the bridesmaid dresses. The dudes are pretty forgettable, but Janes psychotic sister and slutty best friend totally steal the spotlight, elevating the film to truly betchy heights.

P.S. For once, James Marsden plays the leading man, so his preternaturally perfect face gets more screen time, #bless.

Bridget Joness Diary is the ultimate feel-good movie, as in its literally impossible to watch it without feeling your icy soul thaw ever so slightly at the end. The titular character starts out fat, single, and past the age of 30, so basically our worst nightmare. By the end, though, she manages to bang Hugh Grant and Colin Firth, land a better job, and become a self-described wanton sex goddess. If those arent your life goals, you clearly need to start your own self-help journey.